Nelly Furtado asks about celebrity crushes
53:49 Share

Traditional bed sheets can harbor more bacteria than a toilet seat. Miracle-Made offers a whole line of self-cleaning antibacterial bedding, such as sheets, pillowcases, and comforters that prevent up to 99.7%

of bacteria growth and require up to three times less laundry. Miracle Sheets are luxuriously comfortable without the high price tag of other luxury brands and feel as nice, if not nicer, than sheets used by some five-star hotels.

Go to trymiracle.com slash handsome to try Miracle-Made sheets today. And whether you're buying them for yourself or as a gift for a loved one, if you order today, you can save over 40%. And if you use our promo handsome at checkout, you'll get three free towels and save an extra 20%. Upgrade your sleep with Miracle-Made. Go to trymiracle.com slash handsome and use the code handsome to claim your free gift

three-piece towel set and save over 40% off. Again, that's trymiracle.com slash handsome to treat yourself. Thank you, Miracle Made, for sponsoring this episode. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like you know to check that your microphone is plugged in before you start recording a podcast. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds.

You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audience in the U.S. only. Savings vary. Terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Northbrook, Illinois. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Handsome Pod. Chatting to friends on the Handsome Pod. Chatting to friends on the Handsome Pod. Cheers.

Welcome to another episode of the Handsome Podcast. I'm one of your hosts, Mae Martin, joined, as always, by my stoic, brave, handsome co-hosts,

Fortune Feimster. And your very dear, dear pal, Tig Notaro. Right here on Handsome. Here we are. Here we are, keeping it handsome. How are you, my handsome friends? I'm doing well. How are you? So good. Does anyone want to see what I'm working with right now? Whoa, muscle-wise. What is going on? Is this from Treading Water?

Yeah, baby. Your biceps are popping. That is crazy. Tell us everything, Fortune. I'm like the Hulk. Because you are looking quite trim these days. Well, I saw a video. This is not what sparked this, but I was in the midst of two crazy back-to-back tours. Each tour was a year and a half long.

100 cities, 150 shows. I went from that first tour right into season one of FUBAR, finished that, started my next tour, 150 shows, 100 cities, right into FUBAR again. So like a year ago, I saw my face and body and I was like, this is not good. I'm not taking care of myself. So I've lost like 40 pounds. Wow. Wow.

That is no joke. And how are you feeling? Good. I feel very good. What I was saying is they did like a best of videos on our handsome socials and Jax and I both were like, holy shit. I had...

just gotten, you know, on the road, you just don't take care of yourself. Yeah. Like you have no routine. You're traveling. It's you're eating at weird times. And everyone was telling me I was looking tired and my hair was like turning gray and my face was really bad. And it was like, I was breaking out. And so I feel like that right now. Like, yeah, finally just reeled, reeled some of that in and, and trying to take some time for myself. And every day I've been getting in the pool and,

And it's a good, like you said, it's a good meditation. Yeah. But it's also good for my muscles. Yeah. So you're doing it how many times a week now? Right now, since I've been home, which is only been a few weeks, I've been doing it like five days a week. Wow. That's amazing. I am.

But I mean, that's still really impressive, Fortune. Thank you. I mean, listen, we've talked about it before. I'm always up and down. It is such a journey for me. So there will be times that I'm not doing anything. But right now I feel very good. Well, none of that. Who cares? We're just talking about...

That's really incredible. For the record, I feel like only parents should be able to say you look tired to someone. That's like the craziest thing to volunteer. You look tired. Yeah. If your parent says it, it's like they're concerned, you know, their little baby is tired and sleepy. I feel like I was getting a lot of people telling me that.

I'm sure you were very tired. I was. Bags under my eyes were out of control. Yeah. So I'm not going back into a hardcore tour. I'll be doing dates here and there and then I have to work on my new hour. But I'm not going into a theater tour until like April. Yeah. There's only so many like...

I don't know, eye creams and shortcuts you can take. Like, really, you do just need sleep. Yeah. And some eye cream never hurt. And some eye cream. From J-Lo. From J-Lo herself. Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez. So, yeah, I'm feeling good. You guys are doing all right? Mm-hmm. Mae, you said you're tired?

I'm always sorry until you look tired. I don't think we just heard from your mother that you're tired. I have like three weeks left, but I'm I'm just looking at the window behind me. I can see the park. It's such a lovely evening and people are playing softball in the park. And I'm thinking I might go for a little walk after this. That's nice. Yeah. Did you ever play softball?

No. Really? No, I'm like Tig. I smoked as a teen and I never did sports, but I liked soccer. Look at those softball dykes over there. Yeah, yeah. We were in the bleachers. I was playing soccer and smoking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then smoking won. My thing is hacky sack. I think I've talked about this. I'm trying to bring that back. You know, hacky sack? Sure. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty insane to be like,

like the 37 year old Googling tricks. And when you say you're trying to bring it back, do you mean to make it popular or bring it back into your life? Oh, it was never in my life. It's just now coming into my life, but I want people to get into it. And it's such good cardio and it's really fun. And you kind of feel like,

Like it's so, so much of it is mental and thinking I'm going to keep this sack in the air. If it's the last thing I do. That's what I'm always thinking about. How do we keep these sacks in the air? How do we keep these sacks in the air? Marie.

These sacks are a little saggy. Yeah, you gotta keep them up. Now, May, answer me this. Riddle me this, Fortune. A hacky sack is something you do with someone else or both keeping it in the air or it's a solo thing?

You can do both. I like a little group standing in a circle and you're just trying to keep it up and it's not competitive. It's like, you know, just try, it's like, you know, when you try to keep a ball in the air. Yeah. But I like doing it on my own too, you know? Okay. Yeah. But it is good cardio. It's really good cardio. You're sweating, you're using weird muscles. Okay. Yeah.

yeah like how done what tig suggested i will do what you suggest i have to get a hacky sack though oh my god yeah please do should we start a like a go fund me to raise money to get you a hacky sack a little crocheted listeners to spend their money in better places i will buy my own hacky sack but thank you for thinking of me because

If our handsome listeners want to do anything, I know it's been a little bit since this happened, but they are still in need of it. Western North Carolina was affected very much by the hurricane. If you have an extra dollar laying around...

And want to give to some places like Operation Airdrop or Beloved Asheville or World Central Kitchen. Any of those places helping our good folks in North Carolina, Tennessee, Georgia, Florida. They'll need help for a long time. They'll need help for a while. So go there and the Meals on Wheels website.

helping a lot of those seniors that need it. I highly encourage those donations. Yeah. It's crazy how things, well, they go out of the news, but the ripple effect lasts for like a decade, you know? I can speak of Western North Carolina because I just know so many people that live there and I see the pictures that the rebuild of those areas will take years. Oh my gosh. Absolutely. Yeah. But you know, that's,

The time that we're in, we got to look out for each other. Yeah. I have a childhood friend that lives out there right outside of Asheville. And I was reaching out to her and the phone call wasn't going through. The texts weren't going through. And I was, I kept trying and I was like, Oh God,

boy, this is terrifying. Yeah. Yeah. That's so apocalyptic to not cut off like that. Yeah. I mean, she did. She did eventually answer and I spoke to her briefly and then it cut out. Yeah. She is OK. She and her wife had some flooding in the basement. But yeah. And I believe she listens to handsome, too.

Shout out. Shout out to Amy and Sarah. There are so many places to donate to and so many things going on in the world. I sometimes get overwhelmed and I'm like, do I pick one thing I can really get behind and bring awareness to or do I spread it out or what? But I've got to be better at it. I think anything you do helps.

As we learned from a past guest, Arnold Schwarzenegger, he told us to be useful. Be useful. So I think anything you do in which the goal is to be useful, it helps. It doesn't matter big or small. And listen, I still stand by you should put cash towards the environment. Gold. Because if...

if this planet isn't working, nothing else matters. This is true, my friend. Also, should I invest in gold? Yeah. Yeah. What's the deal there? Gold bars. I don't know what my...

You know, you're supposed to have like emergency kits and stuff now. Now you need emergency gold. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, am I supposed to have like, will the banks go down at some point and I need gold? Well, do you have like a cash fund at your house? Oh, just a wad of cash somewhere? Yeah. Like a hundred bucks. Will that do? Well, you should get, you should get your little cash envelope together. Okay. Well, cash envelope, some gold. What else?

Well, this is fucked up to say, but cigarettes for the apocalypse. What? You're going to be able to trade those. Not for you. I don't even smoke now. I'm supposed to go into the apocalypse with a bad habit? Yeah, because that's what people are going to pay top dollar for. Yeah. Like in jail. And toilet paper. And also lighters. I read something about lighters. I mean, the lighters make sense. I need a fire. But cigarettes? You need a fire.

Yeah, no, to trade, to trade. Oh, to trade, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm not going to let many people get some kind of emergency kit, right? Really? Yeah, because I feel like at this point, what state is safe from...

natural disasters. Tig, why don't we stay in Toronto? Just you and me. What is Toronto's ailment? Just cold? Well, fire. Fire, sure, but we're kind of, I don't know, it's a lot safer, I feel, in Canada. Jax always says Michigan's a good place because they have all those freshwater lakes.

Well, any place near the Great Lakes is a pretty good bet. Places like Buffalo, Duluth. I've been to Duluth. Duluth. Yeah, Duluth is a hot spot. I went to a Red Lobster in Duluth. All right, braggy brag. I got some Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

How long do you think it would take to drink a Great Lake? Like if we all run it, ran out of water and we just got Lake Ontario left, like how long? Oh, I thought you meant one person. Yeah, I was like...

I was like, you're drowning now. Yeah. Yeah. But I wonder how much. Yeah. Like until it's used up. Well, let's say one person. Well. Would that last your whole life? Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And I think that that. Who's this asshole hoarding the Great Lake? This one's mine. I was here first. I think, I'm not sure which are all Great Lakes. I think my.

not be terribly clean oh yeah for sure you might get some bacteria yeah you're gonna have to like you can't just scoop a cup of water out of that no i know toronto after it rains you're not supposed to swim in the lake you grow another arm or something oh no why is that after it rains why i think it it washes all the poo in there or something i don't know you got pink eye

Yeah. I think our emergency kit consists of a first aid kit. Mm-hmm.

And a case of bottled water. Okay. And now I have $100. I don't think I'm prepared. I feel like you're not getting far with that. I don't think so either, my friend. We have those big five-gallon jugs of water in our garage. Okay. Four or five of them. Wow. And then we also have that kind of food that's dehydrated. Like astronaut ice cream. Is it vegan? Yeah.

Yeah, we have a few buckets of... Like lentils and stuff. Yeah, just vegetables and things. Okay. I would get like a water purifier kit, like a Brita. Yeah, Brita. You know what I learned? Put it out in the rain. If you have like a metal coffee container or something like that, and you put a candle in there, and you're stuck like...

In a, like in a small room or your car, it'll heat the whole place. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. Tig is our survivalist here. What else? Our house is two stories. And so I also have a ladder that,

that you can throw out of a window. Oh, wow. I need one of those. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. My hometown in Mississippi got hit all the time. Well, and by the eye of the hurricane when Katrina hit. Yeah. And I think, I don't know. I don't know between that and probably my medical emergencies. I'm always like, I do not want to be

stuck in any situation and, and be unsafe. I really do not want to be. And of course, none of that will make sure that I'm safe, but I just, it gives me some peace of mind. Right. And I wouldn't want, when I say I don't want myself, I don't want Max and Finn or Stephanie to

you know, so what I can do, I've tried to put together. Yeah. We said if we were in a plane crash in the Andes or something within minutes, I'd be eating ass. Yeah. Yeah. We did say that plane didn't go down. I think. Yeah. I think if you hit slight turbulence, you would be eating. Well, give me, who's going to give me some. Oh, well,

How much money did you spend on food last month? How about entertainment? Travel? If you have no idea, that's okay. But Rocket Money can give you those numbers by categorizing all of your expenses and helping you set a budget for different categories like bills and utilities, dining and drinks, travel and vacation, and much more. With Rocket Money, you know exactly where you're going.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that empowers you to save more, spend less, and take control of your financial life. They also have a goals feature that automatically saves money for you so you don't even have to think about it. Whether your goal is to pay off your credit card debt, set away money for a house, or simply save your money, Rocket Money makes it easy. Rocket Money has over 5 million happy members and has saved its user over $1 million.

billion dollars across all of the app's features. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Get Rocket Money today at rocketmoney.com slash handsome. That's rocketmoney.com slash handsome. rocketmoney.com slash handsome.

Handsome has a new sponsor we're very excited about, Helix Sleep. A few weeks ago, we got a very exciting email from HeadGum. Helix wanted to send us each one of their mattresses to try out before they started sponsoring the show. Well, in the nights I've been home in Los Angeles, I have been sleeping on my Helix mattress and it is spectacular. I got the Helix Midnight Elite, which is designed for side sleepers like myself and

When you go to helixsleep.com, you can take a quiz that takes information about your sleep preferences and recommends a mattress based on your answers. Helix has a November offer for our listeners. They're taking 25% off everything site-wide. Plus, they're throwing in two free dream pillows with any mattress purchase. You get a free bedding bundle today.

two dream pillows, a sheet set and mattress protector with any Lux or elite mattress order. So go to helixsleep.com slash handsome today and try Helix. That's helixsleep.com slash handsome. Oh man. Well, the ladder is not a bad idea because, uh,

I like that. I have like six loose batteries somewhere in my house. You have six loose batteries? That's your plan? I think I need to get it together. More than six loose batteries? Yeah, I need to have some. Here's our batteries. Here's our lights. Here's some water. I'm going to get it organized. It's pretty satisfying to put it together, I think. I remember when I was a kid, if we were ever in a hotel, I'd make a little survival kit out of just like

the toiletries like I'd take a plastic I'd be like I got two q-tips one cotton ball and one strawberry I took from lunch and like I'd make a little kit and I'd be like if shit goes down I've got the strawberry you were expecting the worst y'all boys yeah yeah the one big hurricane I went through was hurricane Hugo yeah I was 10 years old and it came inland and

And there was like talk on the news that it could possibly change directions. And everyone's like, yeah, whatever. But my brother was like, no, we got to get ready. So he went in the backyard and he got all the lawn furniture and put it under the house and

And then our parents woke us up at like two in the morning and it sounded like a freight train outside of our house. Wow. And there was no power and they made us go downstairs and huddle in the hallway. It was so scary because it sounded apocalyptic. And when you looked out the window, it,

it was pitch black and you could just see kind of, you could see rain, but you could, the, the wind was like shaking the house. It was so strong. And we had this like a hundred year old Oak tree. If that tells you, you know, this was a massive tree. And at some point we were in the hallway and the loudest sound I've ever heard in my entire life. It felt like it was coming through our house. We were so scared and,

And it lasts, that sound lasted like 30 seconds. And we were like, what was that? But again, you couldn't see anything. And then the morning that hundred year old oak tree had been split. The wind was so strong, it split it in half.

And it made it fall down on the side of our house. But if it had come through our house, we would have been goners. But it went through the kitchen side of the kitchen. And the wind split it? Or like it got hit by lightning? Oh, my God. That's how strong these hurricanes get. Oh, my God. When I went back to Mississippi after Katrina, there were caskets everywhere.

On the beach. There were school buses in the water. There were... I mean, it was...

just level. There was houses just gone. You just see the foundation, just cement and no house, just steps going up to nothing. If there's lightning, are you supposed to get under a tree or not under a tree? Not under, not under a tree, not under a tree. No. Yeah. All right. But if you don't like someone, tell them to get under a tree. Oh no.

I remember seeing a thing about a woman who got hit by a meteor, went through her house and she was having a nap in bed and it just hit her on the side of her stomach and she survived and she had this big burn on her stomach. What are the odds? What are the odds? I'd like to know. That's like a one in a gazillion. I don't know, but it's a crazy picture. It's a black and white photo and she's just lying in bed and she's been napping and then a meteor hit her.

Wow. How did she know it was a meteor? Well, then she called this local whoever and they came. Yeah, who do you call? I don't know. I would think it was just like a kid threw something through my window. Like a flare gun came through. I think it went right through the top of her house though, right? Oh, wow. That kind of stuff is crazy because you're literally just like in your house

You think the safest place you could be. Yeah. And that happens, which is where the saying comes from. Now, this is an old saying. I don't know if it started in, I want to say 1918. What? Yeah. The thing is, and I quote YOLO.

You only live once. Oh, my God. My great-great-grandparents used to say it. It's been passed down by generations. Grandma and Grandpa YOLO. Grandpa and Grandpa, yep. And so now it's words to live by. You only live once.

Life is short. Yeah. Let me write this down. You're saying, what is it? Life is short. I don't know who wrote that one. Okay, but I'm going to write that down. Life is short. And then what was the other one? YOLO. YOLO. You only live once.

Live once. Do you have any others? Because these are good. So make the most of it. There's also got milk. Shia Twain also said, let's go, girls. Okay, yeah. Let's go, girls. That's just more of a mantra than it is a saying. Okay. Anything else I should write down? Did you get got milk? Oh, got milk? Got question mark.

Yeah. Soy milk. Sure. Got unsweetened soy milk. Oh, I should make a t-shirt that says that. Yes. Another, another wise words, uh, wise words to live by. And I'll, I've said it before. I'll say it again. It is from TLC. TLC. Um, don't go chasing waterfalls. Don't go stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.

What is that message? That contradicts YOLO a little bit. That contradicts YOLO. That's saying don't try. Just don't. But that was our grandparents saying, and now this is TLC saying. It's saying stay in your lane. TLC is saying...

You're not the special one. That's what they're saying. You're not the special one. TLC was saying, what are you doing? You're fine. It's the opposite of shoot for the moon and you'll land among the stars. That's Casey Kasem. Isn't it like... Shoot for the moon. No, isn't it... So like Galileo or somebody? Yeah, it's someone... It's not Casey Kasem.

Indigo Girls wrote Galileo. We all know that. There was a Galileo person. No, they made that up. Galileo's head was on the block. I can't believe these are really great things. Been crediting Casey Kasem this whole time. I don't know who that is. He was an American radio host. Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. That's what Casey Kasem said. He was responsible for America's top 40.

Wow. Okay. Anyway, America's top four. I don't know if there's, is there another saying that Tigney's right down May? Cause these are really, really inspiring. Um, what about don't throw the, don't throw the baby out with a bath water. Just don't throw, don't go throwing babies over waterfalls. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. Why by the cow when the milk, wait, why by the milk?

When the cow's free? No, why buy the cow when the milk's free? When you can get the milk for free. When you can get the milk for free. You've heard that one. Yeah. These are good. Okay, I got that one. Man, have we changed lives today with these things? Should we change everyone's life and hear from our questioner? That's right. I'm feeling nostalgic.

Today's questioner is a Grammy-winning Canadian singer-songwriter who has sold over 45 million records. She's got a new album titled Seven. Very enigmatic. Nelly Furtado is asking for today's question. Woohoo! Hey, handsome podcast. How are you? I'm Nelly Furtado, and I have a question for you. If you're willing to answer, but I am, so I want you to. Um...

Who was your very first celebrity crush of all time? Oh. Oh, my God. Nelly Furtado. Nelly Furtado. What a legend. Nelly Furtado has had some big jams. Yes. I mean, you'd have to if you're selling over 45 million records. That's right. I'm like a bear.

I don't know where my home is. I like that promiscuous song. Is that on with Timbaland? I think so. Yeah, yeah. I can't. I don't know how to sing it. No, keep going. No, it's like. Whoa. Yeah.

Okay, Tig, I felt like when Nelly Furtado asked that question, you nodded sagely like I think someone came into your mind right away. Oh, I know exactly who it was. Really? Yes. Oh, my God. Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. Okay.

Do you want to hear? Yeah, desperately. It is John Travolta. Yes, of course. Of course. John Travolta. It is John Travolta in Grease and Urban Cowboy. I mean...

Holy Lord, John Travolta. I'm telling you. I've said it before. It's that wiener shot. What? Yeah. What? With the Jamie Lee Curtis movie. We've talked about this. No, no, no, no, no. For me. It's a Jazzercise class. No. No. For me, it is him as like a greaser. You know, the white t-shirt, blue jeans. Yeah.

And driving around in a hot rod. Was there any part of you that was like, I want to be him? Or you just were like...

I have the hots for him. I mean, whatever you want to call it. He was like on my radar. I was like, there is nobody hotter than John Travolta in, especially in urban cowboy. So do you think let's imagine you go to a house party now today and John Travolta in his urban cowboy era is there. Yeah. Does it,

Would he look insane in a crowd of today's people? Would he look really of that time? You know what I mean? Or would he still be top of his game smoking hot by today's... He had nice dimples. Oh my god. Well, he just looks like a very classic cowboy. I mean, I guess these days cowboys...

also kind of where, I mean, I know that there's rhinestone cowboys, but I also feel like traditional-ish cowboys these days will still oddly have little sparkly jeans. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Where I'm like, wait, I don't know. I don't understand. You lost me. Yeah. Because like, I like the cowboy that just got

The hat. The hat, the dirty jeans. Well, whether they're dirty or they're even ironed, you know, those wranglers that are just like. That's what I got on that show Yellowstone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, you know, there's some cowboys throw in a little pizzazz in the, in the like jeans. There's like designer jeans. You need to wear Yellowstone and get your panties wet. Okay.

So Fortune Marie. They have a character on there that all the straight ladies, and I'm assuming you too, Tig, would go real wild for. He's a bad boy. You know what I also think is so hot is a black cowboy. Oh, yeah. That's right. Oh, my gosh. A black cowboy...

So Tig, if you know how like they, they found there's quantum science. It's like, maybe we invent time machines and stuff. So let's say you're at a house party with Stephanie. Yeah. You look over house party. You were back at this house party. Yeah. You look over there's John Travolta in that heyday and he is into you. Do you say, and of course he is. Of course he is. Yeah. And do you say to Stephanie, like, is that a hall pass? Would you ever consider that?

Whoa, what a scenario you set up, Mae. Well, here's the problem. Yeah.

I I'm, I'm struggling here because I, I feel like I'm struggling with this impossible scenario that could never happen. I'm struggling on many different levels, but I think knowing John Travolta over the years from a distance and like kind of who he is and what he is now, it kind of tarnished. Yeah. It's just, he's not my vibe anymore. Um,

But please, everyone, stop what you're doing. Or Thomas, if you can drop a picture of him, his profile shot on Urban Cowboy.

I mean, and then while we're at it, geez, Deborah Winger in urban cowboy. Yeah. You really love this movie. Have you not seen it? I don't, I don't think I have. I need to see this movie. You got to, I have barely seen anything. And that is a movie I have seen so many times. I need to be hot and bothered. That was a horny movie for you. I gotta think, look up this character's name on the yellowstone. Also, I lived,

that urban cowboy took place in Houston, Texas. That's this guy's name rip or was it in yellow song. And I lived in that area when that movie came out. And so I really connected with cowboys in a city. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Okay. Fortune who's yours. Oh,

I was looking up 80s movie stars to see, thinking of someone right. I mean, I had a thing for older women, so Betty White, for sure, got it going for me. Seriously? Are you serious? Is that hot for her? Mm-hmm. No way. Yeah, because she was like in their 50s when she did. Golden Girls? Yeah, they made them look a lot older, but they were all in their 50s.

I was not expecting Betty White. No. I love Betty White. I love that that's more shocking than me liking John Travolta. Okay, I'll tell you how it really was. Because I'm struggling to remember what male... Because I know that I... You were straight as a board back then. I know I was straight, yeah. Straight as a button. Yeah.

So I definitely had male crushes and I think I've said it before, like Jonathan from new kids on the block. I like sobbed when I saw him sing, but I'm trying to think of like,

The TV and movie people that really did it for me. And the first part, well, there was two people. And I can't remember if I've talked about either of these on here, but one was the hot blonde in crocodile Dundee. When she went to the river in her white bathing suit. Holy shikies.

Some people just know they can save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like, you know how to check your headphones are fully charged before you go on a hike to listen to Handsome.

Checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audiences in the U.S. only. Savings vary. Terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Have you ever heard of Allstate?

Ever felt a sense of unease when you leave your home, wondering if everything will be safe while you're away? I know I have. But it wasn't until there was a scary break in on my street that I realized how urgently I needed a security system. And I knew my family deserved the best. After some extensive research, I found SimpliSafe.

I loved having SimpliSafe protect my home and the security and service have exceeded all expectations. What SimpliSafe offers is peace of mind. When you go with SimpliSafe, you know you're getting the best system for you and your loved ones. To me, that's worth anything.

any price. But unlike many of the competitors, SimpliSafe is affordable as well. You'll never be locked into a long-term contract, so you can cancel any time. Pricing is transparent and affordable at less than a dollar a day with no hidden fees ever. Protect your home with 50% off a new SimpliSafe system plus a free indoor security camera when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring. Just visit SimpliSafe.com.

Dot com slash handsome. That's simply safe. Dot com slash handsome. There's no safe like simply safe. And we don't know her name. She's the hot blonde. She ended up marrying the crocodile Dundee. No way. Yes. I don't remember her name, but she was. But that was my first like. Was that hard on you? Was what hard? Was that hard on you when the two of them got together? I think I even thought crocodile Dundee was pretty cute, too.

It's that Australian thing, you know? Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez. So she was my first, like, holy cow, that is sexy. Maybe I'm not so straight. And the bathing suit was, like, a one-piece. But it was before, you know, now when people wear bathing suits...

You're seeing the ass cracks and everything, and you're seeing all the vagina. Everything's out in the open. Are you? Yeah, like bathing suits are barely covered. What beach are you going to? I'm telling you guys, look around. Everyone's asshole is poking out of their bathing suit now. They're easier to eat. I'm telling you, the bathing suits these girls are wearing now, it's just straight up asshole shots. Yeah.

She was an early adopter of the bathing suit. Even though it was a one piece, it went, it rode really high up and showed a lot. And you liked that. I love that. But then the person who I would dream about, who was like, holy cow, maybe I'm not straight, but I can't be gay because it's gross. Yeah.

I'm Southern and I go to church and blech. I'm a pretty little lady. You would never think of this movie being the thing, but Sandra Bullock while you were sleeping. I haven't seen it.

I loved it. She was like the girl next door who was so cute and relatable. She did lie. Yeah. She did lie. She did lie and pretend to be engaged to a guy in a coma. Yeah.

But then she got really close to his family and they loved her. But while he was in a coma, who she really loves is his brother. Wait, is this a spoiler alert? Yeah, this is a big spoiler. I haven't seen the movie yet. It's been decades. I haven't seen it. So if you guys don't know at this point, but Sandra Bullock, while you're sleeping, va-va-voom. She's pretty cute, that Sandy Bullock's.

But yeah, for males, I guess it would be Jonathan from New Kids on the Block.

For males. I feel like that's the sign that you're gay. For males. If that tells you anything, he's gay. All right. What's yours, May? First of all, like the Disney villains, like Jafar, Ursula, the sea witch. I like like a villain. Like a twinkle in their eye, you know, a hedonist, you know, with the joie de vivre.

And I think my parents showed me Rocky Horror Picture Show when I was five and I was way too young and it's the horniest movie of all time. And Frank Conferter like lit me on fire, electrified me. He's so sexy, the way his body moves. And I was showed it because it because my grandpa was in the stage show and my dad loved it and everything.

Did your grandmother book him in the stage show? Yeah, I think she did. Of course. Because my grandmother's client was Richard O'Brien who wrote Rocky Horror Picture Show. So it was like a big part of our family lore. And I remember them fast forwarding the sex scenes, but

Oh, my God. When Frankenfurter takes his cape off and he's in this corset and is, oh, my God. And I would go to bed and be really horny. And I was like five. And I remember thinking, I wish I was Rocky, the creature created purely for pleasure. Anyway, then later on, I got into Hocus Pocus. And remember, I had that sex scene where all the witches eat my ass. But

I remember like a meatloaf slicing it. And I was maybe seven and I had this dream. I remember telling my parents, I've talked about it on the pod, but

I remember telling them I had this dream. I can't wait to have this dream again. I love this dream I had. It was about all three witches, Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kathy Najimy. And they kidnapped me and I was naked and they were going to eat me and they were slicing my ass like a meatloaf. I told my parents and they were like, what? I was like, can't wait to have that dream again. I loved it. Yeah.

I think I like, but they, what Bette Midler and Tim Curry and all my early crushes have in common is this like twinkle in their eye and like kind of confidence and, and exaggerated femininity, almost like a drag queen ish quality that I really liked. And then later on it was a Buffy with Sarah Michelle Gellar and, uh,

And Angel as well. But yeah. Later in your childhood, you're saying? In my teens, like early teens, I was like, I would like vibrate with excitement when the theme song to Buffy would play. I'd be like... I was very into Eddie Van Halen. Oh, yes. Like that was my teenage crush, like nobody's business. I just, I...

Couldn't imagine there was any cuter guy alive. His smile. Yeah. And vibe when he was playing. Oh, my God. Poor Eddie. Oh, I remember. I remember a man. Oh. I remember a male. A male. Yeah. Patrick Swayze. Not only in Dirty Dancing.

but also in Ghost and in Roadhouse. Yeah, you know what? You're right. And To Wong Fu with, is that what it was called? He was- Where he played a drag queen? So sexy and he could dance. He's so sexy.

Are you kidding me? Dirty dancer. I love a dancer and I love a strong man who can be vulnerable. Who can pick me up and twirl me around. Yeah. And like he was shirtless and, and baby comes to his cabin and it's raining and. Oh my God. Yeah. Did I tell you? Oh,

And I wrote this sex scene in the show I'm filming. Oh, really? Where I crawl across the floor like Patrick Swayze. Oh, my God. I wrote it in the script and I forgot I had to do it. And then the time came. Let me tell you, you don't look like Patrick Swayze crawling across the floor unless you're Patrick Swayze. You could maybe pull it off with the black tank and the black pants. Thank you so much. Oh.

What about Harrison Ford in Blade Runner? Harrison Ford has that thing of being a big, strong man, but vulnerable. Him in Blade Runner, I'm pretty into. Oh, you know who else I was into? Speaking of older women. Who? Julia Sugarbaker. Who's that? Played by Dixie Carter in Designing Women. What the fuck? You guys don't know this?

You don't know who Julia Sugarbaker is? No. She played a woman from Georgia in Designing Women, and she was always standing up for the rights for someone. How dare you come into my...

office and you treat this person like this. You will not do that in here. And Jean Smart was in there. Annie Potts. You guys never saw Designing Women? Are you kidding me? No. No, but I do love Jean Smart. I saw Sanford and Son. Good times. Designing Women might be one of my top favorite TV shows of all time. Yeah, I never saw that. Julia Sugarbaker was...

ahead of well ahead of her time and I was southern and they were all southern and I was southern and she was like the progressive southern woman who stood up for people while designing all the while designing I can't believe you took a break from designing to stand up for me to stand up for people laughing

Put him down her needle and thread. Yeah, when she would get on her soapbox, it was hot. Do you think her sugar baker, her family was sugar bakers? They must have been bakers that put sugar in their soap. Can we just take a minute to remember Patrick Swayze making a clay pot as a ghost? Oh, yeah. God, no.

I was kind of into how Whoopi Goldberg and Demi Moore slow dance in that. Oh, that was pretty sexy too. I thought we were about to get some smooches. Me too, because he takes over Whoopi's body, right? To slow dance with her. Unchained Melodies playing in the background. Yes. Oh, that song. Oh, my love. My darling. Oh, my God. He was sexy. Talent is hot and...

Being funny is hot. Yeah. Dancing. Confidence is hot. Funny is the hottest. Oh my God. And standing up for people while designing. While designing. I was really in, I was never attracted to Chrissy Hind from the Pretenders, but she was like the first female rock star.

Where I was like, I was so into like guys before that. Yeah. Whether it was Eddie Van Halen or Willie Nelson or, you know, whoever else.

And then Chrissy Hind just like rattled me. Yeah, I just I was just way into her. But I just wasn't ever attracted to her. The other day, a friend of mine was like, remember that letter you wrote Angelina Jolie? I went, what? I have no memory of it, but I hope she never got it.

Whatever it was. She remembers that one letter. Yeah. It somehow is the one fan letter. Were you hot for her? Oh my God. I went on a date to see Tomb Raider 2 with a guy and I was like holding sweaty hands with this guy just, and then the movie ended and I was like, I loved that movie. I mean, she was really amazing. He was like, yeah, yeah, it was pretty good. And I was like, no, like she can do it all. She, I, yeah.

She's really got what it takes. Yeah. She can raid my tomb anytime. She really is. Fortune Marie. Well, we never followed up. You went to an event where she was. Did you ever, did you get to say hi or be anywhere near her or meet her? Did we? Yeah. Did we never? I don't think we ever followed up on it. Well, exciting news. Yeah. I did.

I did not meet her because she's Angelina Jolie. She, uh, no, she like glided on stage, gave the classiest speech and it was like seeing a Greek God. Like she's not of this earth, like her bone structure. She, she's wildly beautiful. It was like how I feel about Charlize Theron. Really? I was just at a screening with her. Oh really? Gorgeous.

And fun and cool. So it seems. I don't know her. I've met her a couple times. I don't know her very well, but she's gorgeous. Do you think Angie would be a fun hang? I think so. Okay. All right, never mind. Moving on, moving swiftly on. I mean, fun. Whee! That kind of fun? Not that kind of fun, but probably would come up with a plan to save Angie.

some people save the world. Maybe I could unlock like her, her, her, you know, previous wild child self. I see. Like, let's have a 90s style night. I see her watching someone be silly and going, Oh,

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I heard she's a huge fan actually of our podcast. Shut the... No. I would kill... You never know. She might keep it handsome. I truly wonder what I wrote in that letter though. I have no memory of it. Like, what would I be saying? Dearest Angelina. Angelina did make a lot of lesbians have sexual awakenings with the movie Gia. Gia and also Foxfire. She jumped...

Up into a fence. Yes. You know what I mean? Shirtless. Y'all, I remember. Shirtless. In a photo shoot. Jumping up on a fence. And she just jumped up against a fence. Yeah. And every lesbian that watched it was like,

Okay. Yeah. I remember she, in that movie, she sleeps with that woman and then the woman in the morning is like, I got to go. And she is topless and she follows her out into like the stairwell of the apartment building, just topless. And the woman's all like, Oh no, what if people see? And she goes, where does everybody have to go? And they say they have to go. I thought that was so cool. That's cool. Just titties everywhere. See that chain link does not do that for me. Can you,

Can you imagine? You'd be like, this is going to be hot. Jump against a chain link fence. Get your boobs stuck in the chain link fence. No, I think it goes back to like they have to be funny or at least even if they're not funny because like I get why people are into like beauty obviously and sexy and like amazing fashion. But I really cannot –

even think twice about somebody unless they are funny or if they, they have to have a great sense of humor. And that's not to say people that are hot and high fashion, all that don't have a great sense of humor, but I like really to have a painful cackle. I like people who, who laugh easily and laugh a lot at the, at the, at the right things. And yeah, I mean all my current, I mean the early awakenings were all these,

sort of icons, but I, were there, but now I, uh, yeah, it's got, you know, you got your Megan Mullally, Nick Offerman. These are Catherine Hahn. These, these are my, you're hot for,

Megan and Nick? Yeah. Remember we talked about it. Remember we talked about our crushes. Yeah, funny or bust for me. I gotta be doing role plays that last days. Well, should we hear what Nellie Furtado has to say? Let's hear it. If she says that those three witches she had a sex dream about them. How about Julia Sugarbaker? Maybe it's us.

Oh, my God. Please let it be Betty White or Julia Sugarbaker, a.k.a. Dixie Carter. It's going to be Thomas. When I was about 13, 13, I think, maybe 13, yeah, 12, 13. Yeah, I had a poster, or 14, of Mark Wahlberg, Calvin Klein ad. I was marking Mark when he was like all about the Calvins.

And yeah, he was my first celebrity crush, I think. But then there's a better story to this. So years later, I was asked to be in a movie called Max Payne. It's based on a video game. I was asked to play a role. It's a short scene, but I'm at a wake.

And my husband has just died and it's kind of Mark Wahlberg's character's fault. So I'm really angry at Mark Wahlberg in the scene. I don't remember the characters. I guess he's Max Payne. Anyways, so I'm in the scene. We're at a fictional wake. There's a lot of extras and there are a lot of people. I've hardly acted before and I'm feeling the pressure. I'm like, Mark Wahlberg's about to walk on set. But not only do I have lines with him,

to slap him in the face. So he comes out on set and because I'm a novice, I'm a singer, I'm not an actor, I actually thought that I could slap him several times right on the face to practice. So they're like, action! And I'm like, oh my god.

And his face is getting red and he's like, wow. And he's so nice. He doesn't say like, we don't have to really practice the slap. And so I'm there just slapping Mark Wahlberg. Meanwhile, my 14 year old self is like, and then, I mean, I barely got through the scene, but I made it happen. And then I couldn't cry. I was supposed to be sad and they had to put fake tears in my eyes. Anyway,

It's my celebrity crush story, but I thought it was pretty damn good. That is wild. Just slapping the shit out of him over and over. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm surprised that they didn't say. I know. Yeah. Like, just say, oh, hey, by the way. Especially because you're not an actor. Yeah. Maybe it's good we tell you don't actually hit him. The star of our movie. I remember one time I was...

Back when Sarah had the Sarah Silverman program on Comedy Central, I played a cop. And I filmed this episode and then I flew up to San Francisco for a

you know, weekend gig. I was there, whatever, Friday through Sunday. And no, I guess it was longer. It was when I was doing like a full week at a comedy club. And, um, I got a call from production that I had to fly. They were going to fly me back down because I had to do a slap, uh,

Like I had to get slapped in the face. So I, they flew me down early in the morning. I went to set, I got slapped in the face and then they drove me back to the airport and I got back. That's really funny. And did they slap you for real? No, no.

Okay. No, I got a slap coming up where I get slapped and I'm like, I think I'm not a good enough actor to do that, to act it. So I'm like, Oh, you can do it. Really? Yeah. Cause you just turn your, some people want to get, some people want to get really slapped and some people don't. Yeah. Not me. Right. Yeah. I've been slapped a couple of times, but nothing too, too big. Yeah. No, thanks. Yeah.

No slaps. Those Calvin Klein ads were pretty sexy. Oh my God, they were. The guy from The Bear in them now. Oh yeah. He does the commercials now? Yeah, he's in his panties on a rooftop. Panties. I'd like to see our faces photoshopped onto the original Mark Wahlberg Calvin Klein ads. Yeah, could somebody make that happen please? Ha ha ha.

I mean, I imagine somebody's already done that, but could you please just reveal your... Publish it? Yeah. Yeah. It's an easy lift. Is that the face that you're going to do? Are you practicing your face? Like this? It's kind of like... Yeah, that's pretty... It's molder. Okay, yeah. Biting your lip or something. Yeah. And you got to be on a couch with your Calvin Klein's on and your wiener bulge. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

You got to have a wiener bulge in all these ads. I'm just assuming they're padding that. Yeah, they put definitely a sock in there. I doubt there's an actual sock. I hope there's an actual sock. Go old school. Come on. Okay. What another wonderful podcast. This is a pleasure as always. What a podcast.

Please, if you would like to start your holiday shopping early, go to Tignotaro.com and get my brand new album that is the audio version of my special Hello Again. And all of my tour dates are on there, including Toronto and Los Angeles, where I work out new material. So come on out and...

Say hello again. Fortune, what do you got coming up? I have a show this weekend, but in Santa Rosa, there might be a couple tickets to open up. But my big special that I'm excited about just got announced. It's coming out December 3rd on Netflix called Crescent. Yes. And I'm super stoked. I hope people will watch it. That's really exciting. Yeah.

Thanks, bud. I'm just doing new material at Largo in Los Angeles November 15th and December 4th. But also check out handsomepod.com. Check out our merch. If you like the show...

Subscribe. Tell your friends. If you know Sugar Baker, what's her name? Julia Sugar Baker. Hello, Julia Sugar Baker here. How dare you come into my design office and say what you're saying. I will not stand for it. Not today, not tomorrow. But do you like the tiles in your kitchen? Is that verbatim?

No, I took some creative liberties. Well, we appreciate everybody listening. We hope everybody's doing all right. And we're sending love to everybody who needs it. Yes. And even people that don't need it. We're sending you love. Everybody needs love. That's right. And you know what else people need? They need you to send your favorite episodes of Handsome to them and be like, hey, check out this podcast.

I'm listening to come join the handsome crew. It makes me and Angelina Jolie chuckle. Yeah. Angelina loves this show. All that's left is keep it. Handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a HeadGum Podcast.

Handsome's, the audio version of my comedy special, Hello Again, is available everywhere just in time for the holidays. Go to TickNotaro.com to get a copy for you and a loved one now. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first.

Like, you know, to check that you're a pineapple apart at any school dance you attend. Yeah. Checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. This content is intended for audience in the U.S. only. Savings vary. Terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Northbrook, Illinois.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.