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Fortune Feimster and Tig Notaro. I nailed that. You did. May, you came in with such confidence. Oh my gosh. That you got Tig and I showing our muscles. Oh, I wasn't showing muscles. I was just um. Oh, you were cheering. I was showing muscle. I was like, May's confident, so I'm gonna I would love to support. I needed it today. I needed it. Oh yeah? Are you having a, needing a boost day? Well, I didn't
know I was until I just said I needed it like that and then now I'm like yeah I guess I'm having a low you know I went to like a scary event in New York oh my god I know I know fashion week it was you
No, I would never. I would never dare go to fashion week. Graveyard? Yeah, it was a haunted graveyard. No, it was like an award ceremony thing, but I got so insecure before that I went psycho and I called down to the hotel reception. I go, do you guys have scissors? They're like, what, just any scissors? I'm like, yeah. They send up industrial like paper scissors and I just gave myself a haircut because I got it in my head. I need a haircut and I need it now.
And then I started like chopping at it, thinking I could do it with big chunky scissors. And I just had big chunks missing. And then I had to go to this thing. And oh, man. And wait, I'm sorry. That's psycho behavior? Yeah.
think to be in a hotel room like an hour before a red carpet and being like I gotta get scissors and I gotta cut my hair at the back where I cannot see oh I've done that so many times yeah oh my gosh I'll during COVID I bought like a full-blown haircutting operation like a barber's kit yes I was cutting my hair I
I was cut. In fact, I did two movies with my own hairdo. No way. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And were you doing like clippers as well? You mean like the razor shaver? Oh, yeah. I would just like go up the back of my head. I would just pick my hair up and chop. And I did Max and Finn's hair. I did Stephanie's dad. I was Stephanie wouldn't let me touch her hair. She was like, I'll wait till the pandemic is over. Meanwhile, three years went by.
She also had a beard. She's Rapunzel all of a sudden. Yeah, but I'm still really into it. In fact, I just cut her dad's hair right before I left town the other day. And I think it's the best one I've done. I'm so into cutting hair. I wish you'd been there. I needed that. But I also really relate. Yeah. Do you do it when you're anxious ever? You're like... No, I'm just more like...
I don't have time to go get a haircut or they can't get me in the day that I've decided my hair is terrible. And then I truly just pick up my hair and just start cutting away at it. In fact, I did my bangs that are right now. Our son, Finn, actually, oh my gosh, when we got his haircut, maybe three weeks ago, this is what he told the hair person. He was like, I just...
I just, I don't want any bangs. And so he just lifted his hair up and the guy was like, okay. And so he cut his hair, but he of course left some bangs. Yeah. Because it, otherwise it's a buzz cut. Yeah, otherwise it's Pee Wee Herman. Well, but no, because then it's, there's a little bit more hair on the side and the backs, but he was, that's what he wanted. And then he was like, but no bangs. And that hairstyle didn't exist. Yeah. And so the guy cuts his hair and,
Everything's fine. And then Stephanie and I were sitting in the living room, just having coffee, chatting. And Finn comes down and he just starts talking to us. And Stephanie said, did you cut your hair? And he said, no. And she was like, Finn, did you cut your hair? He's like, no. And he was laughing. And she's like, you cut your hair. And then he like got defensive. He's like, no, I didn't. And so...
Oh, he said, I just combed it differently. Well, let me show you first day of school pictures. It looks cute, but... Oh, wow.
He totally cut his bangs off. He did. It looks kind of punk. It does look like a punk rock. It does. It does, but there are no bangs there. It's forehead and then main head. I learned this from watching May. He's the one that looks
like me right yeah yeah yeah i really i get i get it buddy but yeah when i did that army of the dead helicopter movie that was my own haircut that i did wow well you just have a knack for it fortune you would never touch your i only let super cuts touch is that where you go no i used to go to super guts no shame in my game and then i started getting um fan shamed
I had a couple people see me walking into Supercuts and took a picture of me and posted it on the internet. Well, so you do have shame in your game. I guess now. So, no, I kept going after that because I was like, they will not stop me from my...
$30 haircuts and it wasn't even about money it honestly was about time time you find someone fortune no i swear you're trying to save a few bucks on your hairdo it's fine no shame in your game it's that all of those beverly hills places take like three and a half hours and i was like i can't do this and like 10 different people touch your hair it's too much and to me i'm like the result
is similar. Yeah. And I think it was mainly getting with Jack. She was the one who put the foot down on the super cuts. Fans, you know what? Can't shame me. I know for sure it must have been when you got with Jack's. Yeah. That feels like that's got Jack's written all over it. And 100%. She was like,
You have to go to a proper, not that they're not proper, but you know, because I needed some color. Oh, you dye the hair too. I get it sun-kissed. And is that a perm that you get? No.
Can you imagine? Is that your permanent wave? I perm on top of my curls. No, my hair is naturally pretty brown and I like it a little lighter because I have chubby cheeks. So for some reason it makes me feel like the lighter hair helps...
with the cheeks you're like a little cherub you're like it's you're like an angel golden blonde i dye my hair as well oh really what's your natural color kind of light brown and my mom took me to diet when i was about 10. i was like i don't know if i want to she's like you need to dye your hair and then i i was like you're a blonde yeah i can see in your soul and then i went in
And I said, strawberry blonde. That was in the 90s. Remember, everyone was like, strawberry blonde. We want strawberry blonde. And then it came out bright red, like firetruck red. Oh. It was stressful. You know how Jax was like, no more super guts? Isn't it funny how like when you start dating someone, they're like, you're perfect...
as you are, I'm so in love with you. And then after a couple months, they're like, let's upgrade you. Yeah. There's a couple things as well. That I'm starting to notice now that I've taken my love goggles off. I need you to dye your hair. Yeah. I need you to go to Beverly Hills. Yeah. Three and a half hours later. And also a new belt. That one's pretty old. And we have to get rid of these t-shirts. They have holes in them. Yeah. Since 2020, I've been in this
real confusing place with my hair because the guy that cut my hair for 16 years passed away two days before lockdown. He used to come over, he'd cut my hair, he'd cut Thomas's hair, our kids' hair, everybody, our housekeeper, everybody would get a haircut. And I was just like, I was not only sad, but I was
He would truly come over and just cut my hair and I'd be done in 10 minutes. Yeah. And everybody was like, who does your hair? Yeah, that's my dream. This guy, Matt. 10 minutes. I'm telling you, just... Thomas, did he cut your hair that fast? It was done. Yeah, for sure. It was so fast. So I've been going to different people. I've been trying different salons and I'll get my hair cut on set. I just...
I don't know if it's because I am still hung up on losing my...
Your guy. Yeah. But now what I feel is a happy medium that feels good because even when people would cut my hair well. It wasn't the same. It feels ridiculous to say I was cheating because, you know, but it just, you know, you have 16 years you cut my hair. Yeah. And so now what I do is I take Max and Finn.
to the barber shop, and then I just say, I'll have what they're having. And we all just walk out with the same haircut. I have bangs, though. I'll have what they're having. Yeah. And so that kind of makes it feel special. Right. That's nice. I like that. Do you also get in the fire truck? The seat? Yeah. Seat? No, we're going to like legit...
Barbershop. You know, there's seven. There's seven. You know, if I had them get in a fire truck, they'd be like, I'm not sick. They'd be like, Mom, this is lame. What's it called? Like wet shave. Like I'm picturing them with the, you know. Oh, yeah. With the beard, the foam on the face. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And a razor, like a real razor. I've always wanted to have that since that, you know, Cindy Law. No, I fucked it all up. Cindy Crawford and...
You know that famous photo? Oh, Katie Lang. Katie Lang. Lindy Crawford, Katie Lang. Yeah. Oh, that was a handsome photo shoot. That was a handsome photo shoot. We should probably get KD on here. KD, what's up? What's KD up to? Gotta be KD. I don't know, but how about that voice, man? How about it? Constant craving? Constant. Constant. Constant. I am constantly craving things.
Can we use that sound bite to promote this episode? That was...
If that doesn't sell this episode, I don't know what will. If that wasn't the epitome of a distracted person. I'm constantly craving things. Craving things. Yes. Yeah. We need to get Katie the original handsome. Uh-huh. Yeah. We could also get Cindy Crawford or Lauper. Whatever. If your name is Cindy...
Give us a ring-a-ding. We'd love to have you on the show. Yeah. Cindy Brady, if you're listening. Cindy.
I've never met a Cindy in real life. Really? Not one? Not a single one in my whole life I can say confidently. Hmm. Hmm. There's going to be like three Cindy's reaching out so pissed. Yeah. Being like, we've met multiple times. Yeah. Multiple times. I was in your improv class. It's me, Cindy. Yeah. In my mind, I do. What about Cindy Lou Who? Oh, Cindy Lou Who, of course I've met. Yeah. Many times. Yeah.
Hey, you know how you mentioned Rapunzel? Yeah. Have there ever been any other people named Rapunzel or is it just the one famous one? Wait, when did Fortune mention Rapunzel? When Stephanie wouldn't let you touch her hair. Oh, I didn't hear that. I mean, sometimes I just drop in some of these. But yeah, I've never heard of a single other Rapunzel. Maybe there's someone out there with that name. Reach out. Reach out and touch us. Rapunzel, let down your hair and give us a note.
I haven't heard that song in so long. God, that takes me back. Can you sing it again?
Rapunzel let down your hair and give us a note or ask us a question. Yeah. Let's see if we can all sing the same song right now. Okay. Ready? One, two, three. Rapunzel let down your hair and give us a note and ask us a question. Okay.
beautiful we can do it we did it if anyone doubts we can do that number one on itunes next week it's the shortest number one song we've had on the charts cindy lauper covers it rapunzel let down your head is that cindy lauper's voice
Let down your hair and leave us a note. You gotta be like full-blown New Yorker. I'm doing like a Nathan Lane. Rapunzel. I was thinking the Pee Wee Herman theme song. That was Cyndi Lauper. Can you sing it? Come on in, pull yourself up a chair. That's all I remember. I was gonna say, that's a short song.
Straight to number one. We're all about short songs around here. There's also, you know, Stonehenge? Yes. Are there other henges or is it just the Stonehenge?
You've really been thinking a lot. I know. I like how you say Stonehenge. Stonehenge? Stonehenge. Oh, you say Stonehenge? I said Stonehenge. Stonehenge. I don't ever say it. Stonehenge? Stonehenge?
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Wait, Tig, you're not saying that daily? I don't say it. I've never said it, and I refuse to ever say it. I guess you've never been there either. I have, but I only point it out. You've been there? No, I haven't. Then don't think about it. I have...
Real quick Stonehenge story is this is just sort of encapsulates both the wonder and magnificence of my mom and also the like sort of slight horror that could come about. So I'm like eight years old and we're in London and my mom it goes it's like 4 p.m. My mom goes let's get in the car. Let's drive to Stonehenge.
And my dad's like, well, it's like a four hour drive and it's going to be dark when we get there. And she's like, James, I want to go. Let's go on an adventure where it's going to be fun. We're all like, whoa, cool. Like it's so spontaneous. Yeah. So we get in the car and like as we're driving, like the reality is setting in of what's happening here and like that we're a four hour drive.
And when we get there, of course, it's pitch black and there's a fence around it. And so we have these. But my mom's like trying to make it fun. She's like, I can I think I can see it. I think then we get the camera out and we take these flash pictures, which maybe I can post these or something. Yes, please. Because we're like, well, we'll be able to see it in the pictures. And when we get it developed because of the flash, it's only focused on the chain link fence. It's just a picture of a chain link fence.
And then we get in the car, we drive four hours back.
No. Yeah, I think we got back at one in the morning. But did your mom feel satisfied? Like that's kind of the whole point is that she needed it. She needed an adventure that day and probably needed to get out of the house because probably my grandma was driving her crazy or something. But yeah, I think she felt pretty good. I remember sitting in the back seat with a little journal and a notebook and writing like, what's happening? You're like, one day I'll be a comedian and all of these stories will
Will still not make any sense. Yeah, your mom sounds like a character. Yeah, she's great. Your mom sounds like a character too. My mom's definitely a character. My mother was a character too. A lot of my content comes from her. Do you think there's anyone who's like, my mom's just normal? I think everyone's like, my mom is wild. Jax's mom's pretty...
Yeah. And Jax is a comedian. Yeah, maybe it's just comedians. I feel like Thomas' mom's pretty normal. Yeah. Yeah. Like Thomas has like a mom. Oh, yeah. You know, you're never like, what is she going to do or say? Yeah. You're like, well, she's going to... She's very normal. Yeah. She's very like...
kind and sweet and smart and who you would imagine maybe gave birth to Thomas. Thomas seems pretty normal. Thanks, Fortune. Do you ever wonder, Tig, what your kids will think about you and remember about you and stuff? I guess you have no control over it. You just have to do your best. Are you a wackadoo? I don't know. I don't think I'm a wackadoo, but I'm sure...
I think about this a lot where because of what I do, I'm not, for many different reasons, not like a typical mother. I'm, first of all, almost 53 and my kids are seven. You know, I'm almost retirement age. And then I'm gay, which obviously there's plenty of gay parents, but I have those two things. And then there's things with my career where somebody might think,
oh, that's so cool. People have said this. How cool when your kids are older that they know that you have done stand up with your shirt off after you had your double mastectomy. And I'm like, right. And then the more I thought about it, I was like, or they might be horrified. You know, they might be like, why were you doing that? Yeah, they might be like, why weren't you just sort of sitting and processing and being
Why were you compelled to? Yeah, because you can pathologize comedy, but then also you can choose not to and be like, oh, it's awesome and just the most fun. Who knows? But when I do see parents...
about the disconnect with their children, I'm like all ears and I'm like, well, what happened? What do you think you should have done? What do you, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah, I often wonder because I was out with this five-year-old of the person I'm dating and then someone just walked by me and just went, I love you to me like that and kept walking. And I was like, what does that kid think is happening? Like,
and the kid has no idea yeah just what a strange impression of what life what the world can be like that sometimes people can walk by and be like I love you and I can go thank you thank you yeah no questions asked just thank you thank you thank you thank you well that's something that finally my kids are understanding now because they would run into that where people would come up and just be like oh my god I love you so much and they would look at me and they'd say Mayor
who was that? And I'm like, well, I don't know. But they've seen me tell jokes, you know, just slowly trying to explain who I am outside of our house. But now they'll come up and they'll say something and then my kids will be like,
they like your comedy you know but they they my son Finn especially clings to my legs when a stranger comes out oh yeah like protectively kind of yeah I
I don't know what it is. I can't figure out the psychology there because it doesn't feel protective. I don't know what it is, but I love it. I think it's so cute. I know as soon as someone walks up that Finn's going to grab my leg. Oh, what if their takeaway is that they just constantly go up to strangers and say, I love you. I don't know why. I love you. That would be so cute. I love you. I love you so much.
Oh, no. I need to tell them not to do that. Well, I don't know. Because there's so much that you take for granted or assume that they understand. Yeah. Which, by the way, Stephanie and I...
realized recently that we had never come out to our kids. Oh, yes. I didn't even think of the coming out process in that way. Yeah. So you had to say, look. Well, we were just driving them to school talking about, oh, yeah. And then they realized I was gay and blah, blah, blah. And then our kids, this is just months ago, said, you're gay? Yeah.
And we were like, oh, that's so interesting. We were stunned because we were like, it's so funny. Everyone around us, you know, it's important to them to teach their kids about different people and different worlds and lives. And we never, ever mentioned that we were one of those families. And we were like, oh my God, our kids don't know we're gay.
Honestly, I've never, I've always thought about the coming out process in many different forms and how people have to have that conversation with people, with friends, with family, but I have never thought about it in the sense of parents to kids. We had never crossed our minds. And we're like, yes, we're gay. That's how it should be though. And you're like, do you still love us? They're like, that's cool. That's fine.
What did they say? They were just like... Well, Stephanie just said, you know how Mommy and Mayor are two women? And then mentioned our friends Mike and Ray, you know, how they're friends, Guillermo and Inez and...
they have two dads and, you know, we just kind of went through that. Yeah. That that's what gay is, but we're just like other families. And yeah. And then it was just like, no follow up questions. Can we talk about my bangs again? Yeah. So, but it really still, this is so recent that we came out to our kids. That's so good. Yeah.
Maybe that's just the natural way it unfolds. It's like the better way because it's... I guess. You're not really like, kids, sit down. We have to tell you something. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't take on this like weight and drama. Yeah. No, but it was really a funny moment to have our sons who have been our roommates for seven years ask us, what do you mean? What?
What? What's going on over there? Well, should we get into our question? Yes. Yeah, let's do it. You know Neil Patrick Harris from Doogie Howser, How I Met Your Mother, a series of...
Take it. You can do it. Or giving me thumbs up and pumping the air in celebration of my doing great. Fortune put that thing away. Those guns. Whoa. Wow. Sorry, guys. But go on, May. You're doing great. You got this. Go, May. Go, May.
You know Neil Patrick Harris from Doogie Howser, How I Met Your Mother, A Series of Unfortunate Events, The Matrix Resurrections, and many other things. Let's listen to Neil Patrick Harris's question. It's Neil Patrick Harris here. Thanks for having me on the podcast. I love what you've done with the place. Here's my query. And I'm not going to ask about your buttholes. Nay. Nay.
I'm going to ask a classic. If you could have a superpower, like a superhero superpower, what would it be? And I think more importantly, why did you choose it? Godspeed and huzzah. Huzzah. The gravitas. Oh, by the way, Neil Patrick Harris has a very sexy voice.
Fortune's hair just shot up straight. It did. It does feel like I put my finger in a socket. Yeah. Oh, my God. I've never seen you so in love. So static-y right now listening to Neil's voice. He had a very sultry voice. All the curls are gone from Fortune's hair. Just straight. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Winger, winger, winger, winger.
Very buttery voice. A lot of gravitas. I think because I always see him when he's talking, but there's something about just hearing him
That I was like, hello. Yes, that sexy voice. Straight in your hair. He's relaxed. He's probably in his home environment. We see him when he's on. He wasn't in his home environment. He wasn't? I don't know. He was at Home Depot. He knows he's on the handsome pod, and I have heard from people that they picture all of us
in a dark room with a glass of bourbon and some kind of suit, either a suit coat or-- -They're not wrong. -They're not wrong. -They are not wrong. -What is the thing that you-- like a smoking jacket. -Yes, we have our pipes, our cigars. -Neil's taking on our energy. -Yes, he matched our energy. I think about this question quite a bit.
In general, do you guys ever think about it in general? I never think about this. I thought about it when I was a small child. Right, right, right. Why do you think you think about it so often? I have a lot of flying dreams and I often think about whether I would want that or time travel. But then the first thing that came into my head when he was saying it was like,
I'd love to have a real big vocabulary and that would be my superpower. But then I thought that is lame. Well, the rest of us dumb dumbs wouldn't know what you were saying. It would be the most annoying superpower. Also, fortune speak for yourself. I'm not a dumb dumb. I know you have a very extensive vocabulary. I would have to have a GED. That's right. Okay. Yeah. Take as a GED. And I have a, I have a diploma in shiatsu massage therapy guys. Do you?
yeah wait what is that wait have i not told you fortune's a dumb dumb what is that it's shiatsu massage yeah i did a two-year massage therapy program i'm a licensed massage therapist when i was like 20 i did it uh two years monday to friday nine to five whoa thousands of dollars and
- Whoa. - Never done it since. - What? - I did not like touching people that much. And all the people in my class. - That is a problem. - I know, I think I was just out of rehab and I wanted to get healthy, reconnect with my bod. And I actually wanted post-secondary education and then my mom said, "Okay, I'll pay for it if you do one of two things."
Okay. Private detective school or shiatsu massage therapy. Seriously. I can't believe you didn't go to the detective. Wait, your mother chose the two things? Yes. And I was like, I think I want to do like a history degree, like, you know, like a four-year BA. And she was like, you're not, you're going to drop out. But wait. I would have picked the detective situation. Who cares what you chose? Why those two things? I don't know. Why are we going to Stonehenge at 9 p.m.?
Okay. All right. I'm back on track. Good point. Why are we going to... Oh, I don't say it. I don't say that word.
Oh, you don't say hench. Sorry. Right. Yeah. I think private detective school seems like it would be a lot of following people around and then. Yeah. But man, massage therapy. It was a small school and they all the men had ponytails and were full of rage, like vibrating with rage. And they're all like coming into the Zen environment to kind of breathe and do body work. And they were full of rage. Rageful ponytails. Yeah.
Yeah, rageful, fiery ponytails. Where they just swing in their head back and forth and just whipping that ponytail around. Yeah, yeah. And then I show up with my pigtails. Yes. They're the ones that needed to call down to the front desk and ask for a pair of industrial scissors. Just chop it off. Yeah. I mean, if someone moved their kimchi in the fridge, that ponytail would be flying around the room. Whipping around. Yeah. Yeah.
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Listen, I'll dig into a shell for pistachio, but this is just so easy. You pop them in your mouth. I take them on trips. They are so good. So visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more. That's wonderfulpistachios.com. Wait, I forget how we got onto this. I'm sorry. We're not off this yet. Did your mom just say massage or specifically shiatsu massage? Shiatsu, specific. She specifically said shiatsu. Shiatsu.
and what is shiatsu exactly let's see if i can remember it's uh it's acupressure so it's it's like you leave your clothes on and then it's like no fun the pressure i know it's pressure points and um i wanted to get massages for two years so i was like great but i forgot i'd have to massage the ponytail men did you know when you picked it that you did not like touching people i think i'd
Love touching people, but I didn't like touching those dudes because they were vibrating with rage. They were rat-a-tat-tat. Yeah.
It's interesting because they're polar opposite. Yes. With massage, you're so up close and personal with someone. Yeah. And then a private detective, you're like in a... In the shadows. In a coat reading a newspaper upside down. Yeah. You know? At a huge distance. Yeah, on a park bench. At least this is what we gathered from watching Dick Tracy. No, it's true. It's true.
It's true. And you would think that people would catch on and be like, that's a detective. But no one does. Oh, and then also the way you know for sure it's a detective is if they lower the paper and look over it with their eyes. Yeah, their eyes dart back and forth. What happened after you finished the two years and your mom paid for everything and you're like, thank you for this degree. Never going to do this again.
And y'all just moved on? I think she wanted me to have a vocational backup plan for comedy, which made sense. And I was moving to England with my ex. So then I moved to England and I only did massage for, there was one summer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in London where I ran out of money, like ran out of money, you know, when your account,
Yeah, runs out of money. Yeah, runs out of money. You know, exactly what you're saying. Yeah, you know, when you run out. When there's zero, if not less than zero. When the money has literally run out. Yeah, like there's no more, you're saying. Zero, yeah, a deficit. And so I put a Facebook message saying, hey, any comedians in Edinburgh at the Fringe Festival, if you want a massage, I'll come to your house.
I'm so embarrassed now looking back. Like I have massaged so many comedians in their homes and, uh, so many of them, that's their memory of me. Like their lasting memory is me being like, okay, well just lie on the floor and I'll, you know, I'll sculpt you. But you made money, right? It got you out of, out of a big jam. Yeah. Yeah. 40 bucks an hour. I was really undercharging. 40 bucks an hour? You could have charged more. I was embarrassed. You were like the super cuts of, um, uh,
Any comedians that we would know of that you massage that I can follow up with? Yeah, we'd like to ask some questions. I massaged Jamie Dimitriou. I massaged...
I think Lou Sanders. Yeah, but a lot of British... What about Brett Goldstein? I mean, I would do anything to get my hands on Brett Goldstein. No, I don't think I ever massaged him. We would work out together in our apartment. We lived together in Edinburgh for a month. So we would work out and he would like...
really motivate me and you're motivated if Brett Goldstein's yelling at you you know but kind kind yelling supportive yelling like what what would what would you say well he's the only person in the world that calls me Mavis Mavis which is not my name and he goes come on Mavis you can do it come on Mavis and that's all you need and then you do it pretty much
It doesn't take much over there. I would truly be like, could you please be quiet? Mivas. Mivas. Yeah. Well, what a journey you've been on. In the end, your mom was right because they got you out of a few jams. Yeah. And now the superpower that I want is a big vocabulary because I only went to shiatsu school.
-Well, I'm going to answer two ways. -Okay. -Because one's for selfish reasons and then I feel like I need to do like a world peace kind of thing. You know what I mean? -You don't even need to do the second one. We know the first one's what you want.
Well, the first one, because I feel like I live most of my life in a plane these days because I'm touring. And you're a pilot. I'm a pilot. I've basically not stopped touring in many, many years, except for the pandemic. There was a bit of a little break.
I would love to be able to... Is it teleport when you just like arrive somewhere? Yeah, I'm on Star Trek. Yeah, we teleport. That would be amazing. If I could just like teleport myself to like the...
backstage of a theater and maybe a local coffee shop. Teleport to the coffee shop first, get a nice iced latte. Why are you wanting to teleport to coffee shops? I want to avoid planes, but I love trying local coffee. I don't want to miss out on that.
Are you afraid to fly? No, I don't mind flying. It just takes up a lot of time. Yeah. And I feel like the majority of the performance part, that's the easy part. I don't know. I've seen you struggle up there many times. I can do the show, no problem. Then you're like...
You know, up at 4 a.m. to catch a flight and you're connecting in this place. Since you fly so much, have you got flying down to an art? Like, you got your little, your hand luggage, you do your thing? Yeah. I keep a bag with all the toiletries and everything in it that stays in it. Oh, I should do that. That's smart. It's like pre-packed. I do that too. You do? Okay.
Just know it's there. It's got the toothpaste, the toothbrush, the brush, the deodorant, all that stuff. I like that. The hair dryer for my curls and my perm. Gotta keep your perm. Gotta keep my perm intact.
And then, yeah, I've got flying down, but there are a lot of things happening in the world today. The weather's worse than ever. People are low staff. The airlines don't give a crap. There's just a lot of bumps in the road that you have to navigate. Bumps in the sky. Bumps in the sky, thank you, that I would love to avoid. So if I could teleport places, good for me. Wait, but do you ever worry that you would miss out on like,
the journey like maybe on the flights you might meet someone cool sitting next to you you might be sitting next to Cindy Lauper you know and she's like hi fortune hi fortune
No, I don't worry about missing out on that. Yeah. If the airplane food was better. Yeah. Then I might want to take that journey, but it's not, it's no bueno. It's never gotten better. Also guys, I'm at a coffee shop in St. Petersburg. I'm meeting people. That's true. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then you just teleport right out of there and freak everyone out. Yeah. Well, no, I, I, I'm in St. Petersburg at that point. I get my coffee. Well,
walk to the venue okay i'm gonna i don't need to teleport from place to place we don't want to overuse it because teleporting probably is exhausting do you think i don't know i'm assuming i don't i think no i think you're just that you think it takes a big toll no you're just there okay well good but this is coming from someone that has teleported yeah it takes being on star trek what's it like actually have teleported on star trek what does it feel like
It feels like and cut and then Tig leave the stage please. Yep. That's exactly what I want. And action. Yeah. And she's gone. Tig come back to the stage please. And she's
It's very easy. That sounds easy. I just figure why not enjoy the local scene while I'm there. Then the show's over. I do my meet and greet, chat with people, have a good time. I've been social. I've experienced St. Petersburg. Now it's time to teleport to the next city. Now we're going to Jacksonville. I just had an image of you. You're getting ready to teleport. It's you and Jax and Jax.
Biggie the little white dog and you guys all do a big bear hug and then and then you all teleport together and you're flying through space the three of you in the hug and then you arrive in the hug the three of you would you bring her with you even if you're yeah yeah what if you accidentally teleported with some weird person that was in line to meet you oh
Oh no. I hope they like Jacksonville. So that would be my superpower for myself. If I needed a superpower for the world, I would have the ability with my hands to take all of the pollution out of the ocean. With your hands? Yeah. Scoop by scoop? With those muscles? It just like pulls the trash and everything out of the ocean and then it
I don't know. I haven't thought beyond this. And can you do the sound effect again? Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.
It's pretty quiet. I have like vacuum hands. Yeah. I thought you were saying you were going to pick up all the trash on the planet. And I was going to say that's not a superpower. That's such a job. I could just do that. That's just like a massive task you've given yourself. That's a massive... What is that highway program? Adopt a highway. Yeah. You could just do that. But there's a lot of...
trash I need vacuum hands you need vacuum hands you're doing the Osh but you're leaving you're leaving the air and the jungle and stuff you're just focusing on the Osh I mean guys I can only focus on so much do you know how much water is in this world way more water than anything else
May's the one with facts. I don't have the percentages, but our planet's made up of a lot of water. I have a fact that might lead into Tig's answer to this wonderful question. And the fact is that in 2005...
They actually made Superman officially vegan because they said, yeah, they said Superman can sense like things, life force and stuff like that. And when things life force ends and so he couldn't, he became vegan. I did not know this. Yeah. Good for him. Where did you hear this? From Batman? Yeah.
That's so dumb. Yeah. Where did you hear this? It's just one of my facts, you know, and I like, I do like superheroes. I am sort of up to date on what's going on. Oh, yeah? Yeah, you know. We do want to preface all of Mae's facts by saying we don't know for sure what is actually a fact. No. But Mae, this is an asterisk.
maze facts. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In brackets, not verifiable. Don't Google. No, but I think they are true. They come usually from facts websites, you know, interesting facts. Oh, okay. Then it's for sure. Then it's legit. Also, we're talking about a made-up
Superhero. Yeah, yeah. So even if your facts are off, well, he's a vegan. Yeah. Good for him. Does that make you feel more connected to him, Tig? Even though he's a fictional... No, but I like that. I like, especially in 2005, you know, veganism is now pretty hip in the past couple years. But 2005...
I mean, obviously people were vegan back then, but to make Superman vegan. Do you remember when like at every comedy show, like vegans were the butt of, it was such a sort of hack joke, like the vegans. I don't know. No? Okay. I don't know. You know what I think about a lot is like George W. Bush. And then I feel like people really went on a rampage making fun of...
Who's that comedian? I'm forgetting his name. Carrot Top? Oh, Dane Cook. Oh, and Carrot Top. Like all that kind of stuff. I always, even George Bush, I would always kind of be like, yeah, we're gonna smoke them out of their holes. Yeah, I guess. Or like long ago when people would make fun of how dumb Dan Quayle was. I know this probably isn't your real house. Potatoes.
-May. -I don't know who Dan Quayle is, but it sounds like a superhero. Captain Quayle. -He was the VP of George Bush Senior, right? -These were different times. He misspelled potatoes. -No.
Practically got canceled. That's how different times are. Yeah, I reacted that way and then I was like, could I spell it? Like, is there any, you know? I wouldn't even say practically. He was so written off as the dumbest person. People were convinced he was...
the dumbest person alive because he misspelled potatoes. And think of the dum-dums we're dealing with these days. I would give anything to have someone that even knew how to spell some potato. Could identify a potato. I don't know.
I am kind of stuck in the cultural moment of George W. Bush. Like that was, I guess when I was getting into comp, that's like my SNL era that I loved and deified those people. Like, yeah, I don't feel at all connected to modern culture.
Like I'm not, yeah. You're not what? I don't know. I just had a moment where I became, when Fortune said I'm craving things. Like I lost confidence in what I was saying and then I got, and then I sort of trailed off and hoped someone else would come in and just change the subject. May just wandered off telling us what your superpower is. Yeah. Well, I don't have a superpower, but... We know that. And you would think that...
While you were both talking, I would be thinking of the superpower. But I was so... You were invested in my superpower. Yeah, where you pick up trash. Yeah. Vacuum hands. You know who does pick up trash is David Sedaris. Really? What do you mean? That's what he does in his pastime. Wow. He just walks around with... Yes. I like that. Has like one of those lights on his head. Mm-hmm.
And goes and he spends his day just picking up trash. That's interesting to me. He is a superhero. Yes, he is. That's why I'm taking care of the oceans. David's taking care of the streets. David's keeping it on the ground. I have nothing to base this on, but I believe that telekinesis and telepathy, like that we're capable of that if we just tried hard enough, you know? I've tried many times and I'm wrong. Okay, try now. What am I thinking? Yeah.
Number from 1 to 20. Fortune is thinking of number 2. No.
What was it? 18. I'm thinking of one now. Fortune guess. I mean, don't guess, but like... Really connect with May? I'll give you a clue. You in particular... No clues. Sorry, okay. Yeah, no clues. I should be able to just guess. Yeah, you guys are connecting with your brain. Six. Nah, it was 14 because I thought fortune, 14. Oh, interesting. Yeah.
Tig, what am I thinking in general? No numbers involved. You're thinking about a black cat. No, I'm thinking that I'm hungry.
Okay, let me think of something. Something with a clear image, you know? Okay. Yeah, wasn't it clear on being hungry? Pool table. Like a pool table and a game of pool and like a cigarette. I was thinking about an old shoe. You know those kind of shoes you pull up with a fishing pole out of these? Yes. Yeah, I was thinking about one of those kind of old shoes. The kind that Fortune will get with her vacuum hands. Okay.
I'm like, fortune, you forgot something. And I reel in an old boot. The old shoe won't be in my ocean, baby. Not when I'm done with it. I met this guy once and I was on vacation in Nepal. I was like... I thought you were going to say Nebraska, but go ahead. I was on vacation in Nebraska.
And I was like 20 and it was a very like mystical trip and I was volunteering in an orphanage and I met this guy at this bar and he had grown up in a cult and we got really drunk and he said to me, I've seen someone fly like on the cult and
people would occasionally through meditation like fly and something about the conviction with the way he said it i believed him and we made out no he just got you to make out you think that was like pillow talk yeah
Yeah, maybe. I bet a lot of people at Burning Man have seen people fly too. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Speaking of, I think that would maybe be my superpower is I might want to fly. I love birds so much and I actually don't enjoy flying in a plane. Do you have flying dreams a lot? I barely have any dreams.
Oh, I'm sorry. That's all right. They've all come true. That's why. I have a lot. And usually I have to start jumping. And then as I jump, I am staying afloat longer and longer each time. And I keep jumping, jumping, jumping. But I'm usually doing it like to prove myself to someone. Like they're like, I bet you can't fly. And I'm like, watch me. And then I try and try and try. And then sometimes I can stay up and it's so gratifying. Wow.
This is all in your dream? Yeah, not real life. See, my dreams are, if I do have dreams, they're more of the annoying dreams where you're like, there was a guy, but it wasn't that guy. It was someone else. And then he, we were in a hallway.
and then a jack-o'-lantern popped out of the, and where you're just like, what am I? That's the thing with dreams like that. It's like, of course, this is what you're dreaming about. You're exhausted. You're so tired that it's like, you're just, it's crazy what your brain is doing.
It's like, I don't know, grab a pumpkin and a, you know, we can work with anything. And then you analyze it when you wake up. Really, it's just nonsense. Yeah, it's just you're an exhausted person. That's why you had that dream that made no sense. Yeah. And then Annie Lennox starts playing. Sweet dreams of metaphys, who am I to disagree?
Another handsome gal. Oh, yeah. Very handsome. She's somebody that I've always wanted to see live. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tig's going to fly us there on her wings. Yeah, on a wing and a prayer. You'll already be there teleported. So I'll be on Tig's back. With all of her garbage. Yeah, and I'll be on Tig's back just whispering. I'm really smelly. Multisyllabic words into Tig's ear. Being like...
I could think of extraordinary. That was the only word I could think of. That's really good, though. Should we hear what Neil's superpower would be? Yeah. I would choose very clearly it would not be flying. Hey. Because of bugs. Oh, bugs. It would not be super strength because I just feel like my anger would get the best of me. I would want to be able to stop time.
And to move freely within the time that was stopped with the caveat that when I started time up again, I hadn't aged faster than anyone else. I know that's a weird wrinkle, but here's the thing. If I could stop time and spend three hours fixing something or reading something or cleaning the house or
Then I'd start timing and I'd have more wrinkles. I just turned 50 and I feel like an extraordinary amount of time and bandwidth is spent thinking, if I only had a little bit more time in my day, afternoon, evening. I'm sitting here in this farm that we live at trying to fix...
A German cuckoo clock. Oh. I don't, what? I've been cleaning up dog crap earlier. I fixed a frame of a piece of art. Busy little bee. I know. And I'm going to have to like sand and stain a table. Okay. So this is why I wish that I could stop time.
Neil. NPH. He's in a farm? I really like that. I feel that time scarcity thing. I love wasting time. Do you? Mm-hmm. I can just do mindless whatever. Really? And all of a sudden it's 7 p.m. I wish I had more time to do that. That's what I want to do is very little. I want to lie on the floor and be bored and
let let the old mind wander but yeah i got these cuckoo clocks to fix so i can only do that because i don't have kids so i'm working all the time but then i come home from tour and can just waste time like nobody's business and if anyone cares i have a cuckoo clock on my wall in my office you do yeah let's see it do you see it coming out of the wall oh yeah oh yeah did you know that i know the song from the sound of music that involves clocks all right you ready for it yeah i
There's a sad sort of clanging in the clock in the hall and the bells in the steeple too. And up in the nursery there's a sad little bird. Or maybe it's not sad. There's something little bird that's popping out to say cuckoo. Very gruffly they tell us, but firmly they compel us to say goodnight to you. Thank you. Wait, this is a song you wrote? No, I'm kidding.
Remember it so long. Farewell. I'll be to say goodnight. I hate to go and leave this pretty sight. Anyway. I want to rewatch it. I don't want to brag about my skills, but yeah. When your voice gets that little vibrato in it, it's so beautiful. It's very sound of music, though. It's very like, how do you solve a problem? Like, that's the vibe.
I watched that movie like a thousand times. We just watched it. Early days. I love it. I think I know most of the songs. Let's hear them. Let's hear them. You gotta wait to tune into the next episode. I can't just give it all away right now. Our son Max is very into musicals and it has to usually have something to do with an orphan. Yeah.
Or a nanny. Yeah. That's the vibe. Do you think he'd be into Little Shop of Horrors? I don't know. Also, did you know that that time stop thing, that's a very popular porn category? Oh, it is? Time stop, where it's like in the film, in the piece of cinema, usually it seems to be very popular in Asia and someone will freeze time and then
just go about doing nasty things to all the time frozen people. Oh, well that sounds, that is naughty. Yeah. Well, I mean the other people are simply other porn actors who are pretending to be frozen. Okay. So they're, they've given consent. Yes. Yes. In real life, that would be no good. Well, Neil's just trying to fix cuckoo clocks so he can go to the pool. Yeah. I didn't know Neil was so busy on the farm.
I didn't even know he was on a farm. Also, he's created this entire workload for himself. Yeah, technically could take the cuckoo clock to a clock maker, fixer. Yeah, that's all I was thinking. There's got to be one in the village in which he's living. Well, I hope Neil hires some people to take care of all these tasks so he can go sit by the pool because he's 50.
The guy's 50. And he's got a gorgeous voice. And he is handsome. He is very handsome. Yeah. Very. I want him to host another award show at some point because he sings and dances and taps and does all the things. I like that. Right. Maybe the three of us can. All right. Well, I have all of my Sound of Music songs ready to go. And I have nothing to offer. Hey, the boys. Hey, the boys.
That's like coming out of my cuckoo clock. Meaning your mouth? Yeah.
Well, listen, if you've listened to this episode and you've been thinking about what your superpower would be, we want to hear. Yeah. Leave it on social media and maybe we'll pick our favorite one and we'll read it next week on the pod, on the handsome pod. Yeah. What would your superpower be? Is it a porn category? Well, who knows? Yeah. All right. Anyways, thank you for listening.
Fortune, do you have any things coming up you want to promote? Yeah, I'm on my tour. If you want to see some stand-up comedy, you guys, I'm coming in mid-October on to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Oakland, California, Evansville, Indiana, Dayton, Ohio, Charleston, West Virginia,
Just added a bunch of shows like St. Petersburg, Orlando, and Jacksonville, Florida. And we just put the Chicago Theater up on sale. That's going to be in February. I guess you go to fortunefamouser.com for tickets. May, do you have anything you want to tell our lovely, handsome listeners? On the 10th, I'm doing improv at the Elysian with Stephanie Allen. And then I always plug these Largo shows, but I'm there on the 12th and the 22nd. And tickets are at the Largo website. Tig, what about you? I am...
Going on my European tour, October 10th, Amsterdam, October 12th, Berlin, October 15th, Oslo, October 17th, Brighton, October 19th, Manchester, October 23rd, Dublin, October 26th.
London. And then I'm back in the States, October 28th, La Crosse, Wisconsin. Then I am going to be recording my next standup special in Brooklyn, November 4th. This has been the handsome pod. And as always,
Keep it handsome. Keep it handsome. Perfect. Nailed it. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod.