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I am in Europe, and I have run into a few people from the States who have told me that they did not know I was taping my next stand-up special in Brooklyn at King's Theatre November 4th. I mention this at the end of the podcast, but in case you don't listen all the way through, which you should because there's important information there,
I am taping my special November 4th, and I hope to see you there in Brooklyn. Go to tignotaro.com for all ticket and show information. Welcome to another episode of The Handsome Pod. It's Fortune Feimster.
And I'm Tig Notaro. Oh, I fucked it up. That's okay. I'm so sorry. What is your name? I was going to say my name is Mae Martin. Mae Martin. Oh, hello, Mae. I think we all jumped in because we're excited to do the show again.
I am excited today. We are so pumped. It's always a treat talking with you two. It really is. I look forward to it. I'm buzzing today because, first of all, there's a bunch of hummingbirds by my apartment. Oh. It feels like I'm in a Disney movie. They just kind of appeared at like...
Yeah, at my window by this tree. And then also my friend let me drive her car. I don't have a permit or a license. Let me drive it down sunset to Walgreens. Oh, no. And I am buzzing. You were pumped about driving. Had you ever driven a car? Yeah, I've had three lessons, but not for months. And I'm rusty. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. You've only driven a car three times in your life? Yes. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding? Yeah.
No. And she said, do you want to drive to Walgreens? And I was like, yeah. And then I said, I don't have my license. And she was like, that's all right. You know, you got to practice. But I don't think she realized how. There's no way she knew that you've only driven a lot of that two other times in your life. There's no way she knew that. Wait, really? She didn't know you hadn't?
She knew I didn't have my license, but she knew I'd been taking lessons. But when I, the first question I asked when I got in the driver's seat was which pedals the gas? Oh no. I would be like, I'd be like, we're, we're going to actually not do this. Wait. Yeah. More importantly, what kind of car was this? I don't know. Cars, you know, it wasn't a Tesla. I'll tell you what, it wasn't a Tesla. Didn't have any helpful little videos playing for me to see. So you never learned to drive because you grew up in Toronto and,
And it's just not like a... You didn't really need a car there. It's public transportation. And then you moved to the UK. No car needed there. And I think I kind of have a... Not a fetish, but I like being a passenger. I like... Especially if I'm dating someone, I like being in that passenger seat. Really? I'll go where they're taking me, you know? But, you know, sometimes...
I feel like some people might be like, why are you always in the passenger seat? Why don't you drive sometimes? Do you ever get that? That's what's starting to happen. I love driving. Driving is like one of my favorite things to do. I can just like aimlessly drive and listen to podcasts like handsome.
and be really content do you go into like as like are you fully present when you're driving like do you go into a zen state are you because i'm just hyper vigilant and aware and i can't imagine a time where it's just like natural well i rent a lot of cars on the road because i'm doing like multiple cities in a weekend so i often drive braggadocious running all those cars i'm a gold member
I'm pretty alert because these roads are long and there's a lot of things around that you got to be on the lookout for. LA is a tough place.
to learn to drive, let me tell you. You know where you don't want to drive, May? Where? San Fran. Oh, God. Really? Yeah, don't drive there. Why? Their hills are like this. Okay, and then, obviously, May is so far away from driving a stick shift. Oh, my God. You'll never drive a stick shift. Your car, it would be like, whoa, whoa!
And like everything would be catching fire. You'll blow out the clutch, yeah. Yeah, you'll blow out the town. I mean, it's so insane. And you'd be rolling backwards with the black smoke. Oh, God. My very first car was a stick shift. And I was... It was like a...
clunky car that needed to be like totally redone for me to drive it and it took we hired like a guy that kind of took his sweet ass time so i didn't get the car for like a year until after i turned 16 and i was so antsy to drive that i didn't bother to take have anyone teach me i just got in the car and i was meeting a bunch of friends and so the whole time i'm like boom boom
like jerking and like it's stolen in the middle of the intersections. And I'm like coming up to my friend's house and there's like a group of like 30 of them outside waiting. And I'm like, all right, just come on, come on. Just please just give me the job. And I, I'm having to take, take a left and I'm sitting and I start to go and it goes right in front of everybody. And they are dying laughing.
I just want an automatic car that has a fake stick shift in it just for show because I think it looks hot when people drive stick shift. I love a stick shift. It's so fun. I just love... You feel so connected to the car. And yeah, it's very rare to find a car with a stick shift. So my car, it is an older model, but...
But man, do I love it so much. I bet. Really? And also, it's oftentimes full of bird poop. What? Well, I'm not really good at staying on top of getting it in a garage or getting it washed. And so I just call it the bird toilet is basically what my car is.
car is. Plus you keep all your pigeons in it. Well, there's that. But I'm just not really a car person. And so I've never been like, oh, I've got to replace my stick shift bird toilet car because I love driving my bird toilet around. Your
Your bird toilet. I love driving my bird toilet. I love driving my bird toilet around. You are more alert with a stick shift because you're... Absolutely. Both your feet are working and your hand's shifting. It is right. Anywhere but San Francisco, it is so fun to drive a stick shift. I know we have a long list of things we want to do together as outings, handsome outings. I know, we've got to start that right. That I hope Thomas is keeping a list of.
Thomas, write this down. But you guys taking me out driving stick shift would be pretty fun. That would be great. Thomas has to film while...
We're teaching May how to drive and then we'll upload our outings online. I would love that. Expect a lot of jerking at first. It is just adorable that you're a full grown person. Thank you, first of all, for acknowledging that. Yes, you're full grown and you're getting in this car and you're just driving down the street and back. Yeah, to Walgreens and back. Did you buy anything at Walgreens?
Yeah, I had to get a prescription filled. Exciting. So I really did feel like a grown up. But man, I got a couple honks at me. Yeah. And I got a couple...
That's going to happen in LA no matter what, if you're a good driver or not. I learned to drive when I was 12. What? Yeah, dude. I learned earlier. I learned earlier. Quit bragging. Yeah, because I'm from, you know, a tiny town and my grandmother used to love going to, this is like such an old person thing. They love going to the cemetery and checking on the family plot. Yeah.
What else is there to do? Exactly. So she would go tend to the plot and plant flowers and stuff. And I was always bored. And the cemetery is all flat. And you can see who's coming where. And I would look around, and there was no one around. So at 12 years old, she's busy planting flowers. This is like one of those giant Caprice classics. And I got in it, and I just started driving it around the cemetery. Running over plots.
Running over tombstones. People being like, don't go to that cemetery. Being in a cemetery, you're okay. Everyone's already firmly planted. I bet there's like an urban legend about like the ghost of a 12-year-old drives around that cemetery. But it did not faze my grandmother. She was just like, I'd roll back up and she'd be like, okay, ready to go. And I'm like, sure. That's awesome. I used to sneak my car out when I was a kid.
And I mean, I was so underage and my parents would have parties and they'd be up late and I knew I could sneak out of the house while they were having a party and
roll the car down out into the street and then just go take my friends and get some fast food and smoke cigarettes and then come back home get back in bed and that's incredible one time when my parents were in bed i roll the car out and it's in front of the house and
And I don't start it, you know, I just roll it out. It's out in the street. And I, with the door, the driver door open, I have one hand on the driver door, one hand on the steering wheel, and I'm going to push it down the street so I can start it down the road. And it's so hilarious because there's no world where starting up a car on the street would wake my parents up. But I still...
What was that? What was it? So I'm thinking I'm going to roll this car, you know, down the road a bit. But my friends, my very handsome friends, guess what this foolish one did? What? Laid my hand on the horn. On the horn. Yeah. So I'm now. I can't do it. Like, oh.
And then I'm in front of my house. You see the light pop on? No, I leave the car abandoned in the street with the door open. I run. I hide in the bushes.
And then I'm sitting there in the bushes looking at the car that's just sitting in the street. And I'm laughing at myself going, oh, what? My parents are going to walk out and see the car and be like, oh, no, Tig's not there. And then just go back into the house. Door wide open. Yeah.
door wide open oh my god you're like scram yeah I did go back and push the car down the street and then started up smoked some cigarettes went to the fast food restaurant yeah I feel like you were making it all so much harder for yourself by thinking like it's almost like you
we're going to run in, wake them up and be like, look, someone's tried to steal the car. Like you were just overcompensating. Absolutely. So may you are, you are going to try to get your permit. Got to, I mean, license. What is it called? Permit first. Yeah. Oh, you have to get a permit, your permit first. And then will your girlfriend be in the passenger seat while you're driving? I hope so. I think that'd be pretty hot. Yeah.
You get like one arm around her and then almost never run. You have your permit, your girlfriend's in the passenger side, and then you have one of those cartoon lollipops. It's a big swirl and you're just licking that while you're, you know, a permit driver.
And you have one of those little hats on with a propeller. Yeah, that's sort of my energy is the propeller hat. You actually have that. Yeah. I went to a school dance when I was 13. And it was like right when everyone was like, okay, we got to be hot now. And the boy school is coming. And all the girls were in like tank tops and foam platforms. Yeah, I did not either. And I knew I couldn't compete with these girls with their like lip gloss and stuff. And I didn't know it.
I didn't know I was like queer or whatever, but I just didn't want to be involved in the whole thing. So to combat it, I went joke. So I went hat with a propeller overalls for real, for real. I went to, you called it. Yeah. I went in character. Look at May's face and tell me what other hat is going to go on there. You're going to put a propeller on May's head. Yeah. That's right. Yeah.
Oh, I got to buy one of those on Amazon now. Halloween's coming. And look, I would buy it at an independent retailer if I knew where. Did you know after the school dance when you had overalls and a propeller hat on, did you then know you were queer? I was just doing a bit the whole time. Okay. I always just wanted to hang out with the teachers. Me too. I love my teachers. Yeah. Yeah. And they used to come around with a pineapple at the dances and they'd say, I know. It's Canada. You got to be a...
you gotta be a pineapple apart and they put the pineapple between you and the boys because the boys would get semis and be like grinding what and i i wanted that like i was into the boys i i ian peach i was in love with but i knew he wasn't gonna choose me yeah so i preemptively was like no no i'm just kidding around i don't even want you to dance with me even though i was desperate for him to get a semi and for the pineapple to come they really put a pineapple between people
I have never heard of that. It feels like you could use a football. It'd be like they're a much lighter thing, like a stuffed animal. Like why carry around a heavy fruit with spikes on it? I know. Like they were trying to make it like fun, but... It is the exact size of a football. I know.
Which is in the PE room. All the queers laughing at the football jokes. But yes, I mean, they're like, they're like, Martha, you got to go to the grocery store to get that pineapple. Get that pineapple. Wait, can we get a morning announcement about the pineapple? Yeah.
Hey, if you're planning to go to the dance later tonight, then just be prepared that the teachers are going to come around with a pineapple to put in between you so that nothing happens that's not supposed to happen. No semis. Semis. In the background. Martha, can you please go get that pineapple? No.
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Would the dance be off if they forgot to get a large pineapple? Yeah, maybe. Because what else? Yeah, I remember that not only were they going around with the pineapple, but they would remind you on like the megaphone, like periodically, remember pineapple apart. Pineapple apart is kind of a great pineapple apart. Was everyone in your school just a nerd, including the teacher? Pineapple apart.
Pineapple Apart. All the teachers had propeller hats too. I mean, there's so many dances that have happened around the country and world. And how is it that Fortune and I, and I'm certain, Thomas, have you heard about Pineapple Apart? I have.
- I have not and I'm Canadian, so. - You're Canadian. - Okay, okay. - Was this a Catholic school, Mae? - Anglican. - How did so many dances happen without pineapple apart? - I know, I know. - That's why teen pregnancy was on the rise.
And it was in America. Where are my pineapples? Going around with the pineapple. And so after they've come over and separated you and the guy, then after when they move on, that's your moment. They're not going to come back to you for a while. That's your moment to grind before they make the rounds. Oh, you got to get that grind on. That is so funny. I'm just now realizing that.
That they have to really be on top of that with that age group because it's so new being able to touch people. And like if the teachers walk off with the pineapple to someone else, who knows what
You're going to be pregnant with... Yeah. Pineapple apart. But also just let... Do you know the best part? Let them grind. What's the best part? Let them grind. May's right. The best part, though, is that at the end of the night, Martha has a pineapple to make her famous pineapple upside down cake. Okay. Wait a minute. We have our first handsome bumper sticker and it's Martha has a pineapple. What?
Martha has a pineapple. Did you know in the olden days, like here's a fact coming your way, in the like 1700s or 1700s, 1600s, they used to, you could rent a pineapple just to show that you were wealthy at your party because they were so exotic and so expensive. Like in England, you'd rent a pineapple and pretend it was yours and just put it on the table and be like, oh yeah, we got one. Somebody should fact check that. Don't worry.
That seems... How do you know all these facts? May has dated a lot and how else are you going to date if you don't have useless facts and a propeller on your head? Look, I can't drive. All I got is facts. All May has is facts and a pineapple apart. I just hate that they had to rent the pineapple.
pineapple that they couldn't just i know the pineapple and eat it maybe we should start a side business together pineapple rentals pineapple apart pineapple apart pineapple apart please hold please hold for pineapple apart do you know the extension you wish to read uh martha yeah she's still real i'm real busy the the dance is over and i'd like to get into this pineapple upside down cake that i just made
Or maybe we just have one pineapple that we rent out. Can everybody please leave me alone? I am trying to indulge in this cake that I have been taking all afternoon to make. And I'll tell you this, this is some of the best pineapple I have ever put in my cake in my life. And you know what I think makes it even better is that it kept at least 50 kids from getting pregnant. Yeah.
The other 50? Not so lucky. We didn't have enough pineapples to keep them apart. No, they were a banana apart. Martha doesn't even work at the school. She just works for the pineapple company.
She's just a loose cannon that shows up to the school with a pineapple saying pineapple apart. And they're like, excuse me, do you work here? No, but I do not want any pregnancies. And so pineapple apart. I'm here to do the Lord's work. I'm here to keep people apart with this pineapple. Okay. I'm really just desperate to get into making that cake after.
Oh my God. Can everybody leave the pineapples in the tray over there? I'm going to need to take these with me. Thank you. I cannot see Martha as anyone other than a lunatic that came in the side door with a pineapple.
Everybody out of the way, okay? I have business to attend to. And Martha is very pro-life. Oh, absolutely she is. Pineapple apart, pineapple apart.
if this does not work i will expect you to perform all of the duties expected of a young mother yeah next time you see one of those photographs of people protesting outside abortion clinics you zoom in real close to see martha in the back with her pineapple eating her pineapple upside down cake how old were y'all may were you like 14 yeah 13 yeah yeah
Okay. 13. I mean, shortly after I was like dating men and doing cocaine, but there was a brief moment where I was so innocent. I was so innocent. 13. I was in that propeller hat with pineapple apart. Do you want to hear my sad? I went to a school dance story. Yeah. Guess who also didn't know they were gay?
Me! I'm going to kiss all of us. Oh my God. All of our awkwardness. All three of us walking into school dances. Trying to find that dude to dance with us. So I show up.
In some nice iron slacks. A nice ironed button-down blouse. Yep. Beautiful. Hold on. It does not end there. I had some nice lace-up shoes. I had me some... I had a vest. No, like a waistcoat. A waistcoat? Yeah, you're looking like a little, you know, Victorian dapper street urchin. Yeah.
Well, guess who got stopped at the door and sent home? Because you didn't have a dress on? That's right. And let me tell you, it took everything in. It was such a big leap for me to even get out of my Van Halen concert t-shirt to even put that circus of an outfit on. And I was like, oh my God.
I was so uncomfortable, like dressed up. And I got to the door and they sent me home. That is so fucked up. Those are different times. Oh my God. I was devastated. I was like, I thought I was like, whoa, I got so dressed up.
You're like, yeah, I'm sure I've ever looked. Yeah, it's the nicest. I still to this day. It's the nicest I ever looked. Yeah. Yeah. The pretty little lady was showing up to get a pineapple apart kind of evening going on. And would you would you put on some makeup at that age? Like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay.
That's fucked. This is the thing with like if gender roles were so... What are you laughing at, Fortune? The idea of you putting on makeup. No, no, no, no, no, no. What were you saying, Mae? I was going to say if gender roles are so innate as people say they are, then why do they have to be so heavily policed? You know what I mean? We wouldn't be constantly having to... Whatever.
Yeah, no, it's absolutely horrifying. Like I, you know, I know there's so much in like the therapy world of like you look back or you try and take care of your inner child or you try and have compassion. And I do, I have compassion for myself with, you know, mistakes I made and
terrible ways I was treated as a child. But that is one of those things where it was truly so crushing. It was so crushing. And because you don't understand it, right? Well, yeah. And they didn't understand what a leap it was for me to even put that dapper, pretty little lady outfit on to go to the dance. And by the way, not a line of fellas wanting to be...
less than a pineapple apart from me god it was such a mess back then in people's heads and like I remember being so confused because I went to an all-girls school and so on the one hand everyone's like you're a girl you're a girl but then even the kids in my class like I remember them freaking out and making fun of me because I wore foundation one day and they like and or nail polish and they like
they were like, Mae's wearing makeup. And it's like, they were all wearing makeup, but they were making fun of me like I was a boy wearing makeup and nail polish because they did sort of see me that way. Because I had short hair. So I'm like, well, which is it? And I had to be, I was like, no, someone, oh no, my brother's friend just put nail polish on me. I didn't do it myself. And I was so boy crazy, but then boys would always tell me I was gay. I remember my boyfriend when I was 15 that I was like so in love with. And he's like, you're gay. And I was like, I just had an orgasm.
Like, what are you talking about? I'm gay for you, dude. Yeah. At my mom's second wedding, when she got remarried, and so this would have been like, I don't know, 10, 11 years ago, I wore a sweater vest.
slacks again like so dressed up for me and somebody at her wedding was like are you going home to change before the wedding like to like telling asking if I'm going to go on a dress and I was like oh my god I thought
fortune no yeah i better head out and get myself cleaned up i thought i looked so nice i was like i got my sweater mess i had a tie on and she was straight up like are you going to go change into what like and why does she think it's up to her to put like was it martha it might have been martha yeah
Yeah. So that was just like 11, 10 years ago. I was like, so, you know. What'd you say to her? I think I was just like, no. I think that's all I could muster up. No. Because I think I was so shocked, you know. Of course. I don't think I, at that point, had not been in a dress. Yeah.
for you know a number of years so I was just like all right lady I don't think you got the memo yeah now when I was in junior high though my mom would dress me this is when she wanted me to be a pretty little lady and so you were a pageant girl you were doing pageants yeah no pageants but like debutante stuff that old southern stuff and so but my mom would
like shop for me at like Lane Bryant or like these older, like Ann Taylor loft. Like what are these older people's places where, so I have a picture of me in ninth grade with my date who he's gay. Now we were the gays going together. And, and,
I am in, I will post it. I actually think we should have everyone, if you have a funny picture of you at a dance in junior high, middle school, you gotta. Well, that was the only one I went to. Post it and tag us. We want to see these handsome looks that you had. But I had like a floral like blouse with shoulder pads, a giant like flowy cream colored skirt.
and a kitten heel. Oh my God. And I look like, I look like Martha. I look like, I loved the hand motion you did for kitten heel. A kitten heel. A kitten heel. He was like 65. I was like 65 at the ninth grade dance. And I will post this picture on our handsome page. Truly, my mom was like crying, like, you've never looked better. Oh my God. Oh my God.
And I'm like dying inside, like, give me a hair. Can we recreate the, oh my gosh, here's another thing, Thomas, for our field day excursion. The three of us need to get dressed up like pretty little ladies for prom.
Well, luckily, I'll just be in my propeller hat and some overalls. I'm going to be in a vest, slacks, and pants, and then Fortune's going to be in her retirement uniform. Oh, my God. I'm going to post this picture for you guys to join Handsome Putt on our socials, but I am desperate to see other people's looks from junior high and middle school. Okay, I'll dig one out. I'm thinking of one picture in particular where, like,
it's a group of girls who are just like know who they are. You can tell they feel good in their bodies. They look cool. And if you pan over just at the end of this line of cool girls is this monstrosity. I got braces, acne. I'm standing, I'm like a spider monkey. Like my limbs are too long. I don't know how to stand. Like it is just heartbreaking. So I'll find that one. It's wild. Oh my gosh.
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Our question today is from Natalie Maines of The Chicks. She's a Grammy award-winning singer and songwriter. I'm lucky enough to be friends with her. She sent us a very fun question. Now, Tig and Mae have not heard this question. That's right. And I think you're going to really enjoy it. I will be so curious to hear what y'all's answers are. Well, let's hear it. All right, let's hear it.
Hello, my handsomes. So my question for you is, if world peace depended on it, what male celebrity would you fuck? Okay.
First of all, I loved my handsomes as a thing. Right? And second of all, this question is going to be easy for May. Yeah. I know. I love when Natalie said it because I was like, oh, fuck. She goes, yeah. That's what I love about Natalie the most. She's like, I don't care. Yeah.
Well, yeah, she's famous for it. Yeah. World peace so would not have to be a factor for me to have sex with a male celebrity. Wow, amazing. I got a bunch of these names lined up. Yeah. Tegan and I would have to, world peace would have to be on the table for Tegan myself, I think. I would probably honestly date you, Forreston, before I would. Really? So are you asleep with a man? Yeah.
I would do it for world peace. No, not me. No, I'm kidding.
Wait, okay. I need to know that. I'm teasing, of course. I'm down for the cause. Let the suffering continue. I thought you were going to say I'm down for the cock and I was like, that is so on you to say. I know, right? Have you guys had sex with men? I am a gold star, baby. I've never had sex with a man. That's so cool. I like to leave this mysterious. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough. Maybe I have. Maybe I have never. Right.
Interesting. I like it. And May, we know your answer. May is a virgin. Cross the board. Virgin.
I go way overboard, I think, in protesting and making it clear that I'm attracted to men because I think it challenges people's perceptions. And also, I get annoyed at people just assuming based on how narrow people's ideas are of what someone who's attracted to men looks like. Right. So I sometimes go way overboard. I'm like, no, listen. I'm going to make up for it. I love men. Listen to me now. I love them. Listen to me. Are you listening? I love men.
I will say this though. There are some lesbians who are like, ugh, gross. I can never think of a gross men or yucky. I think there are so many very attractive men. Of course, I agree. People are just people. Yeah.
you know what i mean yeah i always am suspect when people when their celebrity crushes are so obvious like even when like straight friends of mine are like i love ryan gosling i'm like i think you're gay because i think if you've got people have nuanced crushes and it's like he's considered handsome so that's kind of like a bandwagon thing
Is that what you mean? Yeah, like it's so obvious. I'm like, okay, but what are you into? Like what? Right. I mean, I get that he's hot. I don't know. I'm being... You want a more nuanced thing. Like I think this person's hot because of this interesting trait of...
Yeah. About them. Not that they were on the Sexiest Man Alive cover. Exactly. The People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive, which is always like The Rock. Yeah. Yeah. The Rock isn't my type. Okay. No. I mean, if you look... You're not a muscle gal. No, I'm not. If you put Stephanie up against The Rock, you'll see...
They're not. Especially if you keep them a pineapple apart. But I just, he's just not my type. But I can see, you know, why people would really be into like a big, strong man. Right. I just want him to boss me around. Or just hold me tight.
Yeah, what would your, give me like top three or a couple of names to. Well, I do find men attractive and I've been attracted to men and I really don't think it's that crazy of a leap.
No, no, not at all. I just feel like attraction, gender, sexuality, it's just like right there. Something can change your mind, your thinking. I've been close to guys where I'm like,
Like, are we in love yet? Do I have feelings for this guy? Totally. Yeah. Yeah. But then I meet a girl and I'm like, I think this is me. It's so different. It's a little different. But you know who I really enjoy, who I kind of have a giddy little crush on?
is well now i'm blushing pretty little lady i get teased all the time when i'm around him because i am like i'm so giddy around this guy is and he's kind of a cliche yeah uh his name's billy oh i know you're gonna say billy
Billy. You worked with him. Corgan? I did work with Billy. Oh, Billy. Oh, what's his name? Kudrup. Oh, Crudup. Crudup. That's right. Oh, yeah. He's got like a chiseled jaw, kind of bad boy face. I mean, you're giggly around them? Oh, my gosh. I...
I'm like, I love Billy so much. And when we work together and then we've socialized together as well, Stephanie truly is like, well, I guess I'll just go find something else to do. You two are locked into each other. Oh, I love it. Like I love laughing with him and making him laugh. I just get so, so like pretty little lady around him. Uh,
Love that. The hottest thing is funny people. Like, they got to be funny. Oh, my gosh. I also, I don't love, like, overly confident men. Like, I like kind of shy and funny and a little weird. And they laugh a lot. And they're, like, generous laughers. You know what I mean? Well, yeah. I mean, Billy I saw on Almost Famous. And I was like, of course, this guy's gorgeous. Yeah. And I love that kind of mustache. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, really? Oh, my God. Yes, please. Wow. We're learning so much about tick today. Handlebar. Handlebar. Yeah. Thomas, I say don't grow your mustache down on the sides or else your boss might be a little inappropriate. Watch out for pretty little lady over there. Pretty little lady is going to come out.
Lurking around. But I, of course, thought he was so gorgeous on Almost Famous. I don't know if it's just to me. Everyone thinks he looks great in that movie, right? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Okay, so then I go about my life, and then I'm on The Morning Show, and I know Billy's going to be on that. I'm not like, huh?
oh, I can't wait to see my boy Billy. You don't get dressed up in your vest on your first day of work. Well, I was in, you know, pantsuits and stuff. So it is kind of my style, you know, but I certainly wasn't getting dressed up like that for Billy. And then I'm on set with him and I'm just like, this guy is the, I just had such a fun connection with him. And I can't, like, as soon as I walk into a party or I see him in any room, I'm like,
Stephanie always goes, "Oh boy, all right, well, bye-bye." I just beeline over it. I love that. It's so funny. Fortune, what about you? I would say, and this is more of like obviously because he's super handsome, I'm a Channing Tatum gal. -Really? -Yes. I like those magic mic gyrating moves. Yes.
If he made that noise while he did the dance. Oh, this is, that's the clip that's going to go online. I met him and he was so sweet and cute and just funny. He made like, we'll DM each other every now and then. And he makes me laugh.
I don't know him well. We're not like besties, but... He's not like Billy in your life, right? That's right. But he's worked with one of my best friends a lot and she adores him. He's so cool. But I just... Yeah, he does it for me. That's like magic Mike moves. That's what I hear about him. Yeah. I might even let him pick me up and I don't let anyone pick me up. Oh my God. I might even let him pick me up. I love that it got to that point.
He might hurt his back. He might hurt his back. It's like some random thing of like, I might even let Billy give me a piggyback ride. But yeah, he's my guy. I love him. Oh my God. Listen to how girly, just like giddy. Yeah. You are both blushing right now. I know. My face is red. Woo! Woo!
Because we don't... Tegan and I probably don't think about this that often, but... Well, I do when I see Billy. I'm going to tell you one more experience that is going to shock you because this is the total opposite of Channing Tatum. I had an experience when I was... Back in my Groundlings days, when I was in Sunday Company...
James Gandolfini from The Sopranos came to our show. He knew a guy in my company. Did you let him pick you up? No. Okay. But it was like the height of The Sopranos. The show was so popular and I hadn't even watched the show yet. I ended up watching it later. And we went, I went to the restaurant and we ate and all of us are broke. We're like struggling comedians.
And he paid the whole bill and the waiters came around with second rounds of drinks for everybody. And they're like, James got this. And we're like, oh my God. And when you're broke, you're like, oh my God, that's so nice. Even when you're not broke, it's still nice. It's lovely. So I went over to him afterwards and I said, oh my God, James, like, thank you so much. I think they call him Jim, but you know, we weren't to that level yet.
And I said, thank you so much for dinner and drinks. That was so cool. And he like put me in this bear hug and pulled me in. And he kind of like whispered in my ear. He was like, you're so fucking funny. And the way he just like encapsulated me, you know, because I'm a big gal and he made me feel like a dainty, pretty little lady. Yes. And I all of a sudden found myself going...
hysterically giggling squealing and laughing like a little girl like so in love yeah whatever he did i want to see that in real life i could not believe i left that restaurant that night being like did i
Did you just fall for James Candle Feeney? I believe I did. I think I did. He was so magnetic and just like something about this, like, I'm going to protect you. And like, I was like, he said that too? No,
That was the feeling. I was so safe. Well, now we know how to get fortune away from the grips of Jax. I know. We just go give her a bear hug and say, you're so fucking funny. I felt safe in his arms, y'all. I love that. And he bought me dinner. Not many men have bought me dinner. And two rounds of drinks. That got me. Yeah. And were you just driving home on cloud nine? Yeah.
It was crazy. And were you driving home on cloud nine like, or like, or like,
I don't know man has ever had that effect on me the way that I like giggled that night. So yeah, those are my guys. I have a couple names, but I have a story like that that was very surprising to me where I didn't expect to have that reaction to this man. But I used to work as one of those charity fundraisers on the street with a binder. You know, have you ever seen those people? They're like, excuse me, do you have a minute for Oh, yeah, I've done. Yeah.
Yeah, so I did that. Greenpeace. It was for the AIDS Committee of Toronto. And I was freezing cold, middle of winter, like snowing. One of the best jobs you can get. One of the best winter jobs for a young whippersnapper. And I was probably stoned, like red eyes and just standing there for hours. And my hands are numb, you know. Propeller on your head. Propeller spinning in the wind. And then...
These two people walk by and I go, you have a minute for the AIDS Committee of Toronto? And one of them just turns to me and goes, what is this? And no one else had been stopping for me. And I'm like, oh my God, it's Antonio Banderas.
And he like takes his sunglasses off and it's Antonio Banderas. Antonio Banderas. And he's with Melanie Griffith. And I should have said, yeah, do you want to donate money? But I immediately panicked and was like, no, don't worry about it. Oh, forget it. You'd have to give your details and you don't have to do that. And he was really like, no, I want to help. I would love to give you my email address. I would love to give you my...
And then all I remember is him taking my hand in his hand. Like, I was like, nice to meet you. And we shook hands. You didn't say your legacy will be great? Amazing.
amazing callback wow nice dig he took both my hands like or sorry my one hand he wrapped it encapsulated it in his warm Antonio Banderas large hands yeah and my numb little frozen hand was in his hands and he was just so kind and warm and then so hot oh my god I was like okay uh yeah love it um
But my thing is like bigger features. No one who's like scrawny or muscly. So we're talking Javier Bardem. We're talking Boston Rob from Survivor. Survivor winner and MVP. I would not accept that. You know what? I got pretty giggly meeting Nick Offerman the other day. I'd never met him. Oh, yeah. I got pretty little lady. Pretty little lady came out. Nick Offerman reminds me of my real father. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. So that's...
Not good for you. I've never met him. You never met my real father? I've never met your real father or Nick Offerman. Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, the best friend. Oh, isn't he in succession? Yeah, he's kind of Alan Ruck. He's kind of like shy and weird. But you liked him more in the Ferris Bueller days. Are you reading off a list right now? Yeah, I wrote them down. And Mae did not even know this question in advance. And just walks around with a list of hot men.
I've been writing while you guys were talking. Not that I wasn't listening.
George Harrison, Elliot Smith, Joshua Jackson. And then I had a dream where I was married to Eminem, Marshall Mathers. In my waking life, not attracted to him at all. But this dream was so detailed and I felt like I understood him so much. He was so misunderstood. And I remember just waking up and being like, I'm in love with Marshall Mathers. Wow. But yeah, that's sort of my list. Your list...
is all over the place. Do you think? I think they're all... I think they're pretty different. Right? I only recognized one person on the list. Nick Offerman.
Well, no, I know who Eminem is. Some of these people, let me see, like Paul Mescal in about 15 years will be... How can we work it out to where we do another field trip, a handsome field trip, and we go on a triple date with our... Because I know I could get Billy. I feel like we could get Channing eventually. Okay, we'll get Channing. We can get Nick Offerman. We can get Billy. Let's do it. We have to go on a triple date. We film it. We upload for the people. I hate...
I'm so up for that. Oh, I. And it's just all of us giggling the whole time. Us three giggling. And we have to wear dresses. No, don't make me wear a dress. I'm going as a little twink gay boy. That's going to be my vibe. Okay. Well, I'm wearing a gown for Billy. Okay. Yeah. I will say I've never seen the three of us before.
Be so giggly. I know. We're all like grinning. And in my fantasy of the triple day... Big old gay podcast. And we're like... Can we go on a Ferris wheel with them? Ferris Bueller's wheel. Hello. Hello. Well, I think this question got everybody going because Natalie was the one that came up with this question and she was...
super stoked about it. Now she is single and ready to mingle. Natalie's latest album with the chicks, Gaslighter, talks about love and the complications of it and it coming to an end. Now she's entering that phase of like, what's next?
So I think she was pretty stoked to answer. I have one Natalie Maine story. Yeah, give it to us. When I first moved to Los Angeles, I would say in my first year of living there, maybe 27 years ago. And I had a show. And I know at the time the chicks were called the Dixie Chicks. And I was like,
Oh, my gosh. The Dixie Chicks are here. And it was a tiny, tiny intimate room. You know, like the little room at Largo? Yeah. That's how big that room was. And so I'm staring at all three Dixie Chicks in a room that seats maybe 40 people. And I had only been doing stand up for like six months or something. And then I wrapped up my set.
And this isn't a great story. It's just the one story I have. And as I was walking out, I walked past them and they were all, you know, very kind and complimented my set. And I was, you know, a brand new person.
stand-up comedian. And then I walked out to my car and then they walked out to their car. And then they were standing there and one of them, it might have been Natalie, said, oh yeah, we're just following you home now. We liked you so much. I can totally see her saying that. Yeah, and I was like...
And I was like, wow. Wow. I guess they really did like me a lot. I think it was probably the first celebrity. Yeah. I was going to say a gaggle of celebrities that complimented me. But, you know, gaggles of celebrities don't really. There are three of them. Yeah. That is amazing.
Very thrilling. They were awesome. Like the nicest, coolest. Yeah. And I hadn't really gotten into their music. And I do love country music, but I wasn't really that familiar with them. And then this girl that I was hanging out with at the time got us tickets to Lilith Fair. Of course. Of course. Of course. Where else are you going to go? And so we went and my head exploded. I could not believe what incredible voices and the show they put on. Oh, my God. It's so off the charts. Yeah.
It's so off the charts. I was like, they've got me now. Yeah. They got me wrapped in their bear hug. And they're still performing. No, I know. They just wrapped their two-year North American tour. They're about to go to Australia. And I was watching it because I've been listening to them since I was 18. And I...
I was watching them just, we talked about it in another episode where I got to sing with them. I don't want to brag, but I'm watching them. They're like one of the most talented bands. Like Natalie can sing her face off like nobody's business. And then the fiddle.
And the fiddle and the banjo. And the fiddle, the banjo. Like, oh my God. And like, you're like, nobody does this. Yeah. And their harmonies. I mean, they're just so good and they're still killing it. Well, let's hear what, let's hear what Natalie's answers were. Again, she had a lot. She had a lot. I was like, calm down. Well, since this is a very easy question for me to answer, I decided to do my top five questions.
So here we go. My top five for world peace. A couple of these guys I'm sure are married or taken, but their wives are going to understand because it's for world peace. So number five, Paul Rudd. Funny and cute. What's better than that? Number four, Kendrick Sampson. Total hottie. Number three, Captain Jason from Below Deck Down Under. Wow. Number two,
Kind of expected, but it's Brad Pitt. Hacky. I mean, who can't say Brad Pitt? And then coming in at number one, Jason Segel. Okay. Never met him. Don't know a thing about him, but he seems super funny, super cute. There you go, you guys, my top five.
really i know right wow when i heard um brad pitt and uh paul rudd i was like doing my judgmental thing of like she's gay it's too obvious then we got to the more esoteric that jason seagulls i was like i'm buying it natalie you think if someone thinks brad pitt's hot they're gay it's a flawed theory it's just sort of i find it
I know a lot of lesbians want her to be gay. They're big fans. But unfortunately, she's not. She likes that D. She likes that D. She likes that D, ladies. Sorry. But we still love them. You see a lot of lesbians at their show just scream singing those songs.
That was a really strong list, though. I liked that. That was a good list. Yeah. Well, maybe she can come on our date, our group date. We have to get one of the non-married ones. Yeah, we gotta go do that list. Yeah. I know. I'm scared for, you know, I know Billy is with Naomi Watts. And so that's the only thing that gives me hope that I have a chance because I do feel like we have a lot of similarities. Very similar. Yeah, I mean.
her well you seen Mulholland Drive no okay never mind is she Australian yeah she's an amazing actor no no no you gotta see I heard Huckabees no no no no no I haven't anyway
Anyways. Oh, no. We're blowing my chance with Billy. We are off the rails on this episode and I love it. Yeah, I am giddy. I can't wait for our quad date. I can't either. This has been probably one of our more insightful episodes of Handsome. I mean, the straightest sides of all three of us just came flying out and we would love to hear from our listeners about
who they would be attracted to that's maybe not their typical type, right? Yeah, absolutely. Thank you to Natalie Maines for your question. Go see the chicks on tour if you live in Australia and New Zealand. They'll be out there. Yeah, and Natalie, let me know if you remember that interaction we had 27 years ago. Oh, certainly she remembers, certainly. I'm sure she brought it up to you, right? Yeah.
Just like Lance Bass remembers that photo I took with him on the restaurant camera. Well, thank you guys for listening to this week's episode of Handsome. And follow us on social media so you can see all these pictures and content we're going to be putting up on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, whatever that's called now. Fortune, do you have any things coming up you want to promote?
Yeah, I have some live stand-up dates. I'll be at Largo tonight if any of you handsome folks want to come to a show in Los Angeles. Then I've got Oakland, California on October 21st. Evansville, Indiana coming up. Dayton, Ohio. Charleston, West Virginia. Then after Thanksgiving, we have Grand Rapids and Royal Oak, Michigan. Kansas City and St. Louis, Missouri. Louisville. And then I just added a bunch of shows in St. Petersburg, Jacksonville, West Palm Beach, Florida, and Chicago.
You can go to fortunefeimster.com for tickets. I always plug these Largo shows, but I'm there on the 12th and the 22nd, and tickets are at the Largo website. Tig, what about you? I am going on my European tour. October 17th, Brighton. October 19th, Manchester. October 23rd, Dublin. October 26th,
And then I'm back in the States, October 28th, La Crosse, Wisconsin. Then I am going to be recording my next stand-up special in Brooklyn, November 4th. But most importantly... Most importantly, tell your pals. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Because maybe the word will get back to Alan Ruck and he'll listen to this episode and be like, God, I got a true fan. If you do like the podcast, which it does seem like people are into it with the growing numbers that we're getting, which I want to thank everyone for that. Also, it's really incredible to see the show grow so fast. Yeah. But if you want to keep the show going, go.
keep listening and it's so important to click subscribe and also give us a five star rating if you do believe that we've done a good job and tell a friend I'll take a four star like that if you know we don't want that we want five baby of course we want five but I mean four stars for me five for me and fortune this episode
This episode alone where we've gotten Tig to reveal her male crush, that alone deserves a five star. That's right. Come on. And even send an episode. If you think it's funny, send it to a friend that isn't familiar with the show. Yeah. And lure them in to the handsome world. Yeah, the handsome world. Let's make a handsome world. Let's build a handsome world. This is a handsome world we live in. Yeah. Let's build a handsome world.
Let's make it a bigger, handsomer world. That's right, y'all. So you know what you have to do? Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod.
