Melissa McCarthy & Ben Falcone ask about comedy bits
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The band's back together. That's right. Looking as handsome as ever. Yeah, looking very handsome. Both of you in collars, collared shirts. You noticed, Mae? And you, Mae, in a hoodie. What's the special occasion? It's a sexy hoodie. I actually have a full... I'm wearing the jumpsuit that I wore in Army of the Dead.

Oh, no way. Yeah, it's the full... Yeah, let's see it. Oh, whoa. My loins are feeling things. Your cooter. Hey, Fortune Marie. Are you going to keep any wardrobe from Star Trek? Are you going to keep your... I don't know. I think about shows like that where it's like...

Oh, Fortune. Go to YouTube right now. Go to YouTube. I'm fingering the... Star Trek. Star Trek. Fortune's trying really hard to do Live Long and Prosper. Oh, May does it so effortlessly. Wait, you can't do it, Fortune? No. Oh, I mean, look at her. What's...

I barely can. Like when I go through, you know, doing press for the show and everybody's doing that, I'll be like, oh, you got it. I do. But it takes me a beat to get there. Do you think people have not gotten hired on that show because they can't do this?

Yeah, like is that part of your audition? Oh wait, look. Oh my god, you guys look there you go Oh my god, you gotta get rubber bands. Yeah, just get some duct tape and yeah Do you know it's funny speaking of duct tape is my character from the old series that I did Star Trek Discovery Janet Reno No

No, Jet. That's not your character's name. Jet Reno. Jet Reno. But I have a line where, because I'm an engineer and somebody does something and I say, I could fix that with duct tape. Yeah.

And so my character kind of is known for, you know, saying that and trying to fix things with little, you know, like with my gum. Oh, like MacGyver. I think that's like a really Canadian quality. Duct tape is very versatile. You can fix a canoe. You can make a wallet. That was the big thing in high school, making a wallet fully out of duct tape. Oh. Yeah. Well, you know, I have to be honest. Duct tape also has reached the States. Oh. Yeah.

In Canada, we love tech tape. Wait, why did I think it was purely Canadian? It's not, eh? No. Whoa. Have you seen all the kidnappers in the States with tech tape? Oh, yeah, you're right. You're so right, actually. That is such a funny thing that you thought...

You invented duct tape. I know. I was like, guys, you got to check this shit out. Our greatest export, duct tape. What did you say about Star Trek? I felt like I was going to say something. Oh, keeping your costume. Oh, oh, right. Yes. No, I won't be keeping my costume. Good. I'm glad we got to the bottom of that. Well, I was thinking when I was on set that,

the other day about how there are those types of TV shows where your wardrobe is not something that you ask if you can take home or if anybody, the director's not like, hey, you know, on Little House on the Prairie, they weren't like, hey, you can take that bonnet home. Although I would love a bonnet. You would love that bonnet. Oh my God. Can I take this nightgown? Yes, and this candle. Yeah.

But I did. I love the jumpsuit from Army of the Dead. It really suits you. Well, thank you. And if you're not aware, I did go viral for being sexy. Sex symbol. I know. I don't mean to compete with you here, May, but some people found me sexy during that window of time. I feel wildly unsexy at the moment.

Oh, really? I feel so sexy right now. I'm like ordering chicken nuggets at, you know, 3 a.m. I am not in a sexy place. Hello. Hello. Hello. Chicken nuggets at 3 a.m. Are you feeling sexy, Fortune? Yeah.

I sure am. Oh, look at all these little poses. I'm never feeling sexy. I'm always feeling silly. But I remember when Tig broke the internet. Yes. We were in the pandemic, right? Oh, yeah. You'd think it would have launched us out of the pandemic. Yeah. I thought the vaccine was coming on the heels of that. Yeah. But yeah, we were all at home, collectively at home. Oh.

While I was going viral. You were going viral on the old Twitter and Instagram. What was it like? Did someone call you up and say, Tig, you're gone, you've gone viral? Well, Stephanie and I were, um, we were in the editing bay for our movie. Am I okay? And my phone, yeah, starts going off. And, uh, I didn't know, or I forgot that the trailer came out. Uh,

Oh, yeah. And whatever it was of not remembering or didn't know, I everybody was like, oh, my God, you're you're going viral for being sexy, for being sexy AF. Yeah, I told this story. And then I turned to Stephanie and I was like, I am so I don't understand. People are texting me that I'm like viral for being sexy as AF.

Did you know what AF was? No, no. Had never heard of it in my life. And that's why I said to Stephanie, people are telling me I've gone viral for being sexy as AF. And she said, oh my God. She said it's not as AF. It's sexy AF. And she said it's like saying you're sexy at...

Wait, what is it? Sexy as a fuck? Yeah, something like that. I don't know.

But I went viral in 2012 for being sickly. And then whatever, 2022. So you've done sickly, sexy. What's next? Silly? I don't know. I'd love to go viral for silly. Oh my god, that would be good. I love silliness. I'll be honest. Yeah, start like go to some major event and throw a banana peel on a

Wait, let me write this down. This is a good one. This is a good idea. Hold on. Okay. Go to the Olympics. Throw a banana peel. Go to the Olympics, slip on a banana peel and go boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing

But I'm not really littering. I like throwing trash down on the ground to startle people. So now that I have kids, they want me to litter. So we were on a hike together.

We were in the mountains on a hike and they call me Mare. And they were like, Mare, here comes some people. Litter. Oh, my God. And so we're like in this pristine, just beautiful area. And I take my to-go coffee cup that I'm carrying and I'm like, oh, my God, guys, it is so beautiful out here. And then I just...

toss my coffee cup on the ground. Did they? Oh, my God. People want to kill me. And then I act like, I act like it's because they shoot me this look that I pick up my trash. And then my favorite thing was, you know, when you're in the mountains, people are so healthy and active. And even elderly people are just out there

trekking around and, um,

And so this is my absolute favorite. So my kids are like, Mayor, here comes somebody. And it's this woman, has to be in her 70s, just fit as a fiddle. And I do the same thing. I look around. And I mean, we're like, it's not like Runyon Canyon in Los Angeles. It's like packed full of people hiking around, dog poop. It's like pristine beauty. Every now and then someone passes you. Yeah.

So I take my coffee cup and I go, guys, look at that mountain. And I just throw it. And, and, um, and the woman in her seventies, she goes, ha, that's funny. And points at me. Yeah. And I said, Oh my God. Yes, it is. I'm joking. And I was like, I get it. I get it. Yeah. Ghost of Christmas future. I,

mean i love this incredible old bat you're gonna go viral for littering for sure i think so that's what i was thinking may yeah we're gonna open up an app and it's gonna be like comedian tig notaro litters well and i littered one i was with kristen shaw you know the

Comedian, Miss and Shawl. We went to a Tegan and Sarah concert and there were 10 billion lesbians in line to get in. And I littered right there in front of them. Just to see them lose their minds? They all got whiplash. Just swinging their heads around like...

Collective gaffes. Yes. Yeah. We almost lost 10 billion lesbians. And I was on a flight and I sat next to Tegan and Sarah. It was one of the gayest moments that have ever happened. This ever happened. Gay flight. And I told them that I'd been talking about them on stage and

And it was about this littering thing, how I littered at their concert. And keep in mind, I don't leave litter on the ground. I do it... As a bit. It's a tidbit. Yeah, it's a tidbit. I like to...

I like to shock, startle. Shock and awe. Ruffle feathers. Like in a fun way. I'm having fun and so did that woman. But yeah, so I'm telling them and it was so funny. Sarah Quinn of Tegan and Sarah, she is...

She was so uncomfortable and she was telling me how she loves when people do uncomfortable things, but she cannot. Like when she thinks about doing anything like that, it just...

And I was like, I'm here for you. I will do this. This is my job in the universe. You're going to sit in that uncomfortability and draw it out. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. So I do love to litter. My...

favorite thing that maybe you could you'd enjoy this one is is like if you're sitting near a window or actually you don't have to be by window but ask someone for a piece of gum and then they they go all through their bag and they're rifling through and they dig out the gum and take some ages and as soon as you get it you just throw it away

Like throw it out the window or just, it's really good. I'm happy to do that. Yeah, yeah, let's do it. You know what I never got to do? What are y'all doing to people over there? You know, because there's not video stores anymore, right? You can't really rent videos. I always wanted to rent a bunch of videos.

And then immediately return them in front of the people that, that just because there was a video store near my house that had the drop box right at the end of the counter, uh,

And so I wanted to rent like five movies and then just drop them in the return thing and then just walk out the door. I love that. One more thing I have to tell you. This I want to do so desperately. But it is a form of littering that is delayed. It is delayed littering.

And that is when you set a balloon free. That's just litter like one town over. It's going to go in an ocean somewhere. But here is my big dream. I want to go to Disneyland with my family. And you know those people that are holding those balloons that have Mickey Mouse in the balloons? Those $50 balloons? Yes. I want to buy the whole bundle.

I want to be like, how much for all of them? And buy the entire bundle of bullets. They're like $10,000. Yeah. Buy the bundle and then just stare them in the face and let them go. Just let them go right there. Oh, God. Oh, I want to do it. Love it.

Look at you, you prankster. I want to do it. What about bringing a pair of scissors to Disney and just walking down the main strip just snipping everybody's balloon strings? What is happening with you two today? I don't think we could get through security. Isn't there security at Disneyland? Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah. They'd be like, I'm going to bring a butcher's knife. Look who's joined us.

Hi, Biggie. Oh, precious animal. Oh, my God. I gave Biggie a kiss from my office in Los Angeles. You did? I did. I just went, oh. He's like, what's up? There he is up close. Oh, my God. Look at him. Biggie. Go to our YouTube channel right now and see Biggie's dead eyes.

That is the epitome. That is what Biggie, Biggie has dead eyes. He, they light up when he sees a carrot. Barely. Barely. Or food. His toy carrot or food. But that is the charm. And the eyes come alive. That's the charm. Yeah. I love. It's a simple life. Yeah. It's just dead eyes. If you guys came to my home. Hmm.

He is a lot more animated. I don't need it. Well, not in this moment on my desk, but like downstairs. Yeah, he's in your home right now. I know. But like playing and you'll see the... I would love to see him playing with dead eyes. No, Tig. His eyes are full of life.

That's his charm. Well, because he's like, what are you doing to me right now? Why are you putting me up in this Zoom? He knows what a Zoom is and he has no interest in it. My cat knows what sunshine is. Every morning when I come down, Fluff will meow at me. And I'll say, Fluff, where's your sunshine?

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It's so cute. Oh, that is cute. Have you seen those things where it's like a pad with words and the dog can step on the words to communicate? And it's like, take me outside. Or it's like, I want toy. And the dog is basically making sentences. This is unnatural. The dog is standing on a woman's pad? Uh,

What? Fortune. Like a tampon pad? Yeah, the dog is standing on a tampon pad. You sound like a man, Fortune. You do. No, I know what a tampon is, but I'm saying like the adjacent version of the tampon, the pad. You mean like a tampon pad? Those giant pads with the wings? Yeah.

Yeah, my chick wears those. Can I reveal a secret? Biggie's very familiar with pads because he has one in his diaper. What? Wait a second. Why does he have a diaper? Yeah. You're making me reveal all of Biggie's secrets. I don't think anyone made you. No. You really wedged it in there. Twist my arm, I'll tell you. Okay. Biggie has what's called a belly band.

And it's a diaper that goes around this back section here of a male dog. And it's a diaper. And so, because you know, male dogs like to mark everywhere. And so if we don't want Biggie to mark, if we take him somewhere and we don't want him to mark, we put a belly band on him. It's essentially a diaper, but we put a woman's pad in there. The indignity. You don't even have to say woman's pad. Yeah.

That's like when a guy will say, I am a male nurse. It's like, okay. Well, he's got a pad in there. And so we go to the dollar store to get him his pads.

but is the diaper not enough like he needs a diaper and a woman's path the diaper is she wants to humiliate him more yeah the diaper is enough but you just have to wash them a lot more frequently um but i have been in an airport holding his belly band with a

woman's pad or pad just flowing in the wind with the help of a male nurse it looks like i'm just holding a pad in the airport and oh my god we were like you psycho um yeah he he is well potty trained so he doesn't need it often it's more in just new places where i'm bored to

You stop. So yeah, anyway, pads. Women's. Speaking of pads, it makes me think of the word mad, which makes me think of the word mad lib.

Oh, don't. What a great transition, right? How good. The response to our Mad Lib was electric. It was electric, Mae. You knew what the people wanted. I'm so pleased that people like this much lighting. We'll have to do it at a live show sometime. I know. Oh, my God. I didn't know how much I...

would be delighted. I was like giddy from it. I was, I got high from it. Yeah. I'll tell you the thing people didn't like me. What? They didn't like that. Um, we didn't give you a chance to do one, but I got a lot of joy out of,

giving it to you guys. I'm a very generous lover. Yeah, we can say that May has given it to us. Yeah, you gave it to us so good. I'm a giver. And you're such a giver. Well, Thanksgiving is upon us. Uh-huh. My favorite holiday. Is it really? Is it your favorite holiday?

Yes, stunned faces. I love it too. I love it so much. I love food. And friends and family bringing their little weird dishes. Little weird dishes. Yeah. I'd come by and be like, I brought one shrimp.

I forgot, Mae. Do you go to visit your American friends' Thanksgivings? I've never. I mean, I did a Canadian Thanksgiving type of thing here. This year, I'm not sure. When is it again? November 29th or something? It's the last Thursday. Yeah, I don't know if I'm going to get off work because I'm working in Canada. Oh, right. Yeah.

They don't celebrate it, so I might be working on my favorite holiday. Yeah, I think it might be my favorite holiday, too, because it's just all the food and you're giving thanks, saying what you're grateful for. Yeah, when we took Max and Finn to Austin one year, we spent Thanksgiving. We have on my stepfather's side of the family...

All boys. Like, I think it was like 15 boys had been born, not one girl until my brother just had a girl like a year ago. So we were all there and giving thanks for whatever going around the table. And Max and Finn were three at the time. And when we got to them...

I think one of them said monster trucks. That's what they're grateful for. Yeah, thankful for monster trucks. I love that. As everybody's like, you know, I'm so thankful for my health and what I got through last year and we will miss this person and that person and the monster trucks. Monster trucks. Yeah.

I went to an ex's Thanksgiving once with her whole family. I hadn't met her family yet. And we're all sitting around and they're, you know, the great grandmother goes, you know, for these and all his mercies, God's holy name be praised. Amen. We all say it. And then it goes to, and then this two year old angel, sweet child is just like babbling away and then starts going around the table and going like, she's been kind of eyeing me up. And then she's going, well, Lindsay's a girl.

Mommy's a girl. Daddy's a boy. And I'm like, here we go. And there's all these like grandparents, great grandparents, and everyone's silent and then gets to me. It's like, grandma's a girl and then points at me and goes, what's May? It was good. And what did you answer? I was like, well, you know, it's a spectrum. So everyone at the table had that accent? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It was like, well, for the reason all is mercy. Yeah.

Are you good at... Stephanie's really good at saying prayers. Oh, yeah. I kind of clam up. I get... Everyone expects... Like, do you find this? Like, it expects you to be good at toasts and things because you do comedy? She doesn't do it in a real way. Oh, okay. She can do it like... Like, she's a...

a pastor who just breaks into prayer out of nowhere. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. No, like she can rip. Thy kingdom come. Whoa, like free form. Thy will be done. Yeah. Like, we give thanks for the spirit of the Lord pouring down upon us. Yes. Oh, wow, cool. Yes. Like when you do a show with her again, a live show, ask her to do a free form prayer. Oh my God. You will die laughing. I will. Can she do this?

Thankfully not. Thankfully not. I feel like if you had been in your prime in like the 1930s or 40s, you would have had an unironic career as a singer. A chamber singer. Yeah.

I would have been the spinster that sings at church. No, you would have been married and spent your whole life thinking something feels off. I feel different. But I sing to the Lord.

Keep going. Keep going. And all is good. That's it. All right. Mad Libs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it. Who's ready? This is a Mad Lib called Oh My Thanksgiving Pie. And this is just for Mae? It's Mae and you. Perfect. I'll let you know whose turn it is. All right. You ready?

I'm already like giggling. We've been ready. Are you ready for the Lord?

Okay. I'm still preparing. One of the best parts of Thanksgiving is... Wait, fortune, fortune. So you just ask for a noun. Like you don't tell them the thing. Oh, Jesus. Oh my God, fortune. Yo. Okay. You have to keep that in, Thomas. Please keep that in. You guys, I told you I didn't know what the math was. Well, now you've proven it. And I'm like, why do I need to know this when I know about the Lord? Okay.

It's hard to read. Okay. May, give me a noun. Brisket. All right. Tig, give me another noun. Secretary of State. God, that took forever. But it was worth it. May, give me another noun. Butt plug. Whoa. Classic. Tig, give me an adjective. Fluffy. Okay. May, another noun.

Uh, water wings. Okay. Wow. This is going to be a real treat. Uh, Tig, give me, um, a family member, any family member.

Godfather. Good one. Can I replace water wings? No. Okay. Oh, God. The ad-lib police. Mad-lib police. May, give me an adjective. Slippery. Tay, give me a plural noun. A plural noun. How about... I'm bored. Lurchin'. That's my joke. Okay.

A plural noun. Jelly beans? Sure, bud. Another noun, Mae. Mystery. Give us an adjective. Why don't I ever get nouns? Dude. All you got was nouns in the beginning. Sneaky. Yeah, that's good. All right, Mae, give us another family member. Uncle. Actually, I'll say ankle. Isn't that like the non-binary version of uncle and aunt? Ankle?

I know. I think that's a part of your foot. Right. I'm going to go with ankle though. It's an aunt, uncle, uncle, aunt. Yeah. It's like a non-binary aunt, uncle. I've made it up, but I think that's what it is. Okay.

What's that say? A number? Can you read that, Thomas? Oh my God. I thought you guys Googled. Yeah, I'm trying to figure it. This is a nightmare. How dare you? This is a nightmare. If I could show you this picture of this at Mad Lib, it's so blurry. Do you know people have paid good money to listen to this free podcast? Give us a verb.

What is a verb again? You dumb bitch. Like an action word. Yeah. Remember, I'm the one without an education. I have a seventh grade education. We're all like, wait, what's imaginative? Verb. Hop. Is that a verb? Yeah, hop. Get off my ass. Eat my ass.

Noun, Mae. Oh, there you go with the noun. Yeah. Gouda. Gouda, okay. Tig, a number? 88, my favorite one. I love that number too. Mae, an adjective? Yeah. An adjective? Yeah. Whiny. Tig, a family member? Godmother. Mae, another noun? Jockstrap. Tig, a plural noun? Singers. Singers.

And lastly, Mae, a noun. Ooh. Uh, who? You said it. All right. Now what? Now what happens? Now we read it and we laugh.

Now this story, this is a mad lib. Is it true? Is it a true story? It's based on a true story. Some of the names of our people have been changed to protect their identities. But this is called Oh My Thanksgiving Pie. Hold on to your ponties. I'm so excited. Are you ready? Yeah. Yeah, we're ready. 100%.

One of the best parts of Thanksgiving is having pie for dessert.

My favorites are brisket and secretary of state pie. Though I know lots of people like butt plug pie and even fluffy water wings pie. My godfather makes their own pie crust using slippery jelly beans and mystery. And it tastes sweet.

so sneaky ankle hops pies in the gouda for 88 minutes and it comes out smelling whiny i like to have godmother's jockstrap pie with vanilla singers on top or fresh whipped poo

-I'm sorry, it's Godmother's what pie? -Godmother's jockstrap pie. -I'm making that a yearly tradition with my family. -Oh my God. -You have to hop a pie in Gouda for 88 minutes to make it. -That one was all recipes. That was really so good. -What a mad lib. -What a mad lib.

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What a Mad Lib. May, I'm so glad you got to participate. To be honest, I realized I like being in control more. We have discovered something. Well, the next time we do a Mad Lib, you're in charge, boss. I'm a Mad Lib Dom. You're welcome. May's gonna Dom Tig and I. We're gonna be topped from the bottom. I'm not playing next time. Yeah, next time Tig will go get a coffee.

All right. Well, I think the only thing left to do is go to our today's questionnaire. We teed that up perfectly. Today's questioners are a married couple who have brought you films like Thunder Force.

Life of the Party, and Tammy. One of them is Oscar nominated for her role for her roles in Bridesmaids and Can You Ever Forgive Me? They have a new podcast called Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire in which Melissa stars as Hildy, an unlikely hero from the land of...

That sounds right up my street. I know, right? I love that. Yeah, Hildy from Golgarath, I'm in. Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone are asking today's questions. Nice. Oh, man. Melissa, I love Ben and Melissa. I've known Ben and Melissa both for many, many years from the Groundlings. Oh, really?

Yeah, they were both in main company. And as I was coming up, I would watch them both in these shows at the theater. And then Melissa started doing Gilmore Girls and was really busy. But Ben was started directing a bunch of shows and everyone that had him as a director just loved, loved, loved Ben. So obsessed. Was he a teacher too?

He was a teacher too. And Melissa would come back and I remember she had a bunch of wigs and like, oh my God, stage glasses and jewelry. And she's like, if anybody needs any of this, you know, and I was like, oh my God, because that stuff was so expensive. And so we were like, yes, this is awesome. And she would come watch shows and both are just so lovely, but so funny. Her role in Bridesmaids.

I forgot that she got nominated for an Oscar for that, as she should. Like, I just saw a clip of it where she meets Kristen Wiig for the first time and

And she goes, hey, how are you? And she goes, well, I'm on the mend. And it's just like, you know, people like that. I took a hard, violent fall off a cruise ship. So good. So good. I met her once. I was having dinner with Lisa Kudrow and they know each other and they bumped into each other and I was like vibrating at the table. I couldn't speak, but she was so nice and funny and warm. Oh my God. She's the best. She is so...

Speechlessly funny. Good people always just trying to make people laugh and do good things. Haven't succeeded yet, but good luck to them. Wish them the best. Hello, handsome.

This is Melissa McCarthy. This is Ben Falco. We're so excited about our podcast, Kill the Barback and the Lake of Fire. We're shamelessly plugging it. We're so excited about it. So subtle. Well, yeah. But we also have a question. We do. What is the...

trickiest bit joke story something that you had to like work and rework but you knew you knew it was there you knew there was something to it but you had to like battle it to the ground that's just our neighbor who's building your house don't worry about it that is so funny

A comedic bit that you had to work. Something that you knew, you were like, the conviction that it was funny was so profound and it just was not working. That's a great question. Wait, so, oh, I'm sorry, I missed that. And does it not ever work or does it finally work out? I think it finally works, right? Oh, okay, okay. Could do. Yeah. I feel like for myself, I've had so many of those. I don't even...

know where to begin. Just that out on a ledge feeling where you're like, this is a real leap here. I had this concept of thinking it was really funny. You know, you of course see babies taking baths, but I thought it would be so funny to see an infant taking a shower. Right.

I just... Okay. Talk us through it. Well, that's really it. There was like nothing funnier to me than opening a shower curtain and seeing a wobbly baby that doesn't even know, like can barely stand, is in a shower.

And being like, la-da-dee. But just being like, no, like really unstable, wobbly, you know, because they can't really stand or walk very well. But yet they're standing there taking a shower. To me, that concept was really funny. Yeah.

And I see it's really tickling both of you. Now, has it? Yeah. Has it worked yet? Oh, it's long, long past. It was on my first album called Good One. And they did it onto an album. Yeah. Yeah. Because I do an act out. I do an act out. And the crowd went wild. Well, I mean, I do it. It wasn't a tape special. It was years ago where it was just an audio album. But yeah.

But yeah, I really believed in this bit. And then I act out the awkward, unstable infant actually showering. Well, that part's probably funny, which it's a shame it's on an audio. Because I'm like seeing you.

wobble as an infant. I wish I could see it in your mind, see the infant in the shower in your mind, because I bet it's like the specific shower and the specific wobble. And also just seeing the little fat baby thighs and legs and the creases of fat on an infant. It's just so cute to picture that little unstable baby

chubby body with lit and in the bit I say with stupid little two inch feet. So like, I like that barely anything to stand on to support that body. You know, little two inch feet. I like as a phrase a lot. Yeah, I like the idea of seeing infants in incongruous situations like a like a baby in a suit working in an office is that's good to me. Yeah. And that's the what begins today is the infant takes a shower.

Right, right, right. Okay, okay. Yeah. So anyway, it took me a while to get that. But that's the fun of it all. Like, as a comedian, you're trying, you have your ideas and your concepts, your jokes, your thoughts and feelings. And then you have to, when they're a little weird like that, you got to get the masses on board. You have to get that to translate. Yeah.

And that's like such a fun leap. I can think of two small things. One was when we were making Feel Good. It was in my head. It was really funny that my roommate was he's from L.A., but he always says he's from Hollywood. And then that the my British girlfriend gets really shy every time she says the word Hollywood, like she thinks she can't she's not allowed to say it even. And so she's not.

No one liked it. The crew didn't like it. The director didn't get why it was funny. The actors were like, where's the joke here? And the line was just her going, well, you'd understand, Phil, because you're from... And then him going, you can say it, Hollywood. No one thought it was funny, but I was like, that's funny, a British person being shy to say Hollywood. I don't know. Well, it must be very directed to some sort of feeling or thought that you have around Hollywood. Yeah, maybe. Which is what?

Maybe it's like embarrassing to say, like you would never say like, I live in Tinseltown. Like, yeah, you'd say I live in Los Angeles, you know? I say the biz. The biz? Okay. Someone asked me at Bloomingdale's the other day what I did for a living. And I said, I work in the biz. Oh my God. And they were like, what biz? Yeah.

They had no say. Not one follow-up question. They're like, I'm dealing with a crazy person. My friend, when I moved to LA with some childhood friends and like maybe two days after we got to LA, my friend Leslie goes to order a pizza for us and she...

She's on the phone with the person taking the order. This is how long ago it was that we moved, that you actually call and talk to a person to order pizza. And don't you do it all online now? Yeah, except for some Thai places. So Leslie calls to order us a pizza, and then the woman asks what Leslie's address is.

And what part of town she's in. That's what it was. And Leslie goes, and she earnestly felt this way. Like, she goes, Hollywood? Because we'd only lived in town like three days. And to her, it was just like, whoa, we live here. Hollywood. The other one is this stand up.

bit I was doing pretty recently, like a couple of years ago about bees communicating through the power of dance and things. I was doing this bit in England and it was like,

I was like, this is like a really well-structured joke. And it was always bombing. Like just sort of chuckles. I was like, what's going on? And then finally someone shouted out, that's an Eddie Izzard bit. And I was like, what? And then it was at a bit that I have seen from one of his specials that I loved when I was about 13, 14. And my brain just, it was almost verbatim. It was really scary because I was like,

Fuck, I could like, yeah, I fully stole it without knowing. And I was like, oh, my God, this just came to me so fully formed. This is like, it's wild. So embarrassed. I was like, thank you for saying something. Finally, like, what must people think he's or she is so famous in what is the UK? Yeah.

I'm looking for new material. Yeah, because I don't know this bit. Yeah, but I need a closer for my new hour. You got to try the bee bit. Try Eddie's bee bit. It's just that bees...

communicate through dance and I can't remember what oh yeah and then how depressing it would be if they have to communicate something sad and they're like oh Stephen died or whatever but they're I don't know because they do communicate through dance did you know that I did not know that well I heard it through Eddie but yeah how embarrassing though like what if Eddie got wind that I was just verbatim just doing this doing this bit doing this bit

Oh, God. Isn't that terrifying when you don't know if, like, we don't know if we steal something. I mean, that is so much stuff is coming in and out of people's ears and eyes these days that you are like, is this a unique thought or did I hear this? But that's why it's always, like, helpful when you use personal stories because...

You know what? I learned my lesson because that's like one of the only observational bits I've ever done. And I was like, oh, wow. It's also from one of my favorite comedians from one of my favorite specials. Like how is my brain just corroded and Swiss cheese? Like I'm pretty sure...

I would be a little suspicious if you told me somebody was out there doing like a 15-minute long Taylor Dayne bit. Completely. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Something to tell you. What is it? Is it something about bees? No, I've been doing a 15-minute Taylor Dayne bit and it's crushing. I guess I have two ones. One was a stand-up thing and one was a Groundlings thing and...

The stand up one was now it's a bit that people often shout for me to do, but it took me a long time to figure out how to make it funny. But it started by me doing a show. I was doing a show in my home in Charlotte, which is 30 minutes from my hometown. And someone in the audience was just like, remember when you were on the swim team?

I was like, I do remember that. And I was like, yeah, I was on the swim team and I wasn't very good. And they were like, yeah, you weren't very good. And I was like, OK, calm down. And it made me remember that when I joined the swim team, I didn't know how to do the butterfly.

um so i would run across the pool and do the motions of the butterfly with my hands but your feet were walking my feet were walking and so they liked the visual they thought that was funny but then i didn't know i go that's it i don't know you know what else to tell you about that and i kept being like there's something to that like

That is funny, a funny visual. A kid can't swim, so they're running across the pool trying to do the butterfly with their hands, but I could not for like two years figure out how to turn it into a story. And I just, I was like, I'm not giving up on this story. And I just kind of kept adding like,

a sentence at a time of just like, I'm going to keep telling this like boring story until it, I can build, build it better. And then now, and then it, at the end of that, like two and a half year tour, um,

It is one of my best bits. I love that. Yeah. You did it. I did it. You never know. We did it. We did it. And then the Groundlings one was, I would always start with a wig that I thought was funny. And I was like, oh, this short gray haired wig is kind of like, I'm in. I like the idea of this. And a sparkle jacket. And I was like, I'm going to base a character just around this like,

this outfit and so i came up with a lounge singer the lord and i was like i don't know if this is like could not i was just like i know this is a funny look and a funny costume but i don't know what she does other than she's a lounge singer

So I finally, I would kind of do it and there was like not much to it because just seeing a woman like that sing is kind of like, well, okay, but what about that is funny besides she just looks funny. So then I started, then I came up with a thing where she has a signature cocktail and I would say, hello, my name is Tita Martin and

I have a Sunrise Sunset signature cocktail named after me, Tita Martin. And then I would play piano. And then so the bit became over time that she would sing and then stop herself to say, I noticed nobody ordered my Tita Martin Sunrise Sunset signature cocktail.

That's okay. We've got time. And I would just keep coming back to this cocktail and I'd say, well, maybe you need to know what's in it. And I'd be like, Jen...

vodka, tequila, Sprite, cranberry juice, pomegranate seeds, and a whole banana. So it just became this stupid bit, but it ended up being funny, but by a lot of trial and error. I'd like to see it when it was just

Singing. Singing the song straight up. I would just be like, you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. And that was it. You know what I would have done with her? What? Since she was a lounge singer, I would have made her...

always lounging around. Oh, yeah, that's funny. Just like when she, you know, she's singing as a lounge singer, but then when she's off stage, man, she is just lounging in the chairs, in the booths.

Backstage. She needed you. Lounging. Like you can't stop this woman from lounging around. I have a character that nobody likes as well. Let's hear it. Yeah, let's hear it. A character that nobody likes. It's basically a stand-up comedian who after every punchline, their catchphrase, I guess, is they yawn as if they're bored. So they go, and that's why they call it fair play.

I don't know. After every punchline, they go... I like it. Thanks. Yeah. I remember the first time I was doing TV, doing stand-up on TV. I was backstage getting ready to be called out.

And I just started yawning. I got so tired. And the producer was like, are you really this tired? And I was like, I think I don't know what's happening. But people told me later that that can happen with nerves. Yeah. Like, you just kind of shut down.

I used to yawn in doctor's offices a lot, you know, because I'd be nervous. But then would you ever have an observation that you think is universal and then it bombs? All the time. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, do you think that the only food that gets stuck in your kind of nasal cavity is carrot? Like when you're chewing a carrot and a little piece of carrot just flies up into your nasal cavity? Oh, God. That doesn't happen with any other food. I've never had that happen. Thomas is my...

I haven't either. Are you serious? No. Thomas, are you against one? If not three against one. I kind of know what you're saying. Yes. I don't think he does. He's trying to make you feel better. It's a Canadian thing with your duct tape. It's a duct tape thing. But yeah, you don't, you've never had that thing where you're like, I think a bit of carrot is stuck in my nose. I can't say no enough times.

Yeah, I'm going to go with my original answer of no, never happened. I do love carrots. Well, let us know if you agree. Yeah, me too, except I don't like the risk that I'm going to get a... I know. And no other food does that to me.

Interesting. Anyways. Well, that's the end of this episode. Let's hear Melissa and Ben's answer. Oh, right, right. I love their outfits, by the way. You'll have to go on YouTube to see these. I know mine was in The Boss. There was one really long joke that my brain was ahead of my mouth. And I kept saying, I know it, I know it, I can't, but I couldn't say it. And I kept stuttering, stammering. It took like eight or nine times.

But it's all about these badges and women being underappreciated and all this crazy stuff. And finally, finally it worked out. And I just remember feeling like I'd done a man. Finally, the elixir of profanity was just perfect. I'd stay out of your way too if I had to do it. A lot of teamwork. She just added profanity. Is that what she said? I think so. Their neighbor's construction was...

Yeah, that house was getting built. Getting in the way of their punchline. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. It's hard to imagine, I think, that, you know, when somebody is just so...

funny as Melissa McCarthy. It is hard to be like, you struggled with anything? Yeah. Anything? Like anything. It seems impossible. It's like funny just runs through her bones. It's so crazy. And was she saying it was a long phrase about...

Women being underappreciated. Yeah, I'm into it. I love it. Mm-hmm.

Do you ever bomb with your kids, Tig? All the time. That's the only thing I do is bomb with them. Oh, that's so good. When you really go out on a limb with something bold. Oh my God. That's my entire relationship with them. They look at me like I am the most annoying loser who shares a house with them. And I push, like every part of my personality as a comedian is,

when I'm around them. Really? Oh, my God. I push so hard. I am so desperate. I will win them over. Oh, my God. That's so good. Oh, my God. I'm like, I try so hard. So none of that dry, it's all like, hello, my darling. Hello, my darling. I love you, Jesus. You've got a treasure chest of props. Perfect, my darling.

Hey! And I'm just disturbing them constantly. Oh my God, that's so funny. Yeah, it's really wild. You're a professional comedian? Yeah, yeah. But I have to remind myself to just...

Take a deep breath, chill out, just act normal. If you build it, they will come. Yeah. It's so interesting to see that side of me come out because it doesn't come out with anybody else aside from them. I want them to think I'm the funniest person and I...

I don't trust myself. I don't trust that they will know that just by me being myself. But yet I trust it as I tour the world with strangers. That's amazing. What a podcast. Yeah, what a podcast. I would like to say mark your calendars.

December 3rd. Okay. My Netflix special, Crushing It, is premiering and I'm super pumped. I'm in a pink suit. Yes, I was going to say, you teased that you were really happy with your outfit for it and I didn't know what it was. And I sort of in my mind thought suit, but it's electric. It's pink.

Thanks, bud. It's so beautiful. I'm so proud of this one. It's my third Netflix special. I just want people to watch it and enjoy it. So I'll remind you on that week of. But yeah. Well. Mark your calendar. I'm sure people are going to watch it and enjoy it. And I cannot wait to see you looking handsome. Thank you. Yeah. I'm still out in Toronto.

Filming Star Trek and will be through February. So check my website. I am doing two to three shows a week at Comedy Bar working on new material. I mean, I basically live there. So yeah.

Check that out. And then I have, you know, sporadic dates here and there. You can come see me at Largo on December 4th and Stephanie Allen will be doing improv and I'm going to try and get her to do a free form prayer. You have to. I really can imagine it. I really want to. That is funny. And I've got great surprise guests. It's going to be super fun. And yeah, I'll be riding high off watching Fortune Special. Yeah. Probably doing some of your jokes verbatim. Please. Yeah.

I have a whole new tour starting. I think it goes up on sale this week. So check out my Instagram for all those dates. Subscribe to the podcast and subscribe to our YouTube channel. That way you're not going to miss any Biggie appearances. That's right. You're not going to miss anybody going sexy, viral AF or whatever. But yeah, thanks for listening. And until next time, I mean...

Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a HeadGum Podcast.

Handsomes, the audio version of my comedy special, Hello Again, is available everywhere just in time for the holidays. Go to TickNotaro.com to get a copy for you and a loved one now. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like you know how to check the weather before you go sailing.

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