Lance Bass asks about clones
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Welcome to another episode of Handsome, the most handsome pod in all the land. It's me, your gal, Fortune Feimster, and I'm with the awesome Tig Notaro.

And? Oh, sorry. I was waiting for like another adjective. Like, oh, and the magic. And the incredible. Thank you. May Martin. This is the podcast where we just compliment each other. Because why not? We want to feel good. Yes. And we're handsome. Yeah. We are. One of us is a pretty little lady, though. Yeah.

It's great to see you guys. I've missed you. I know. It's nice to be back together. It's hard to be apart. I like your t-shirt, Fortune. Is that your own dog on your own t-shirt? I'm wearing my own merch. This is my dog, Biggie, who's also here. I don't know if this feels so crazy. He's there and he's on my shirt. I know.

And what does it say? I ain't got no stress. It says ain't got no stress. It's from my last special. I tell a whole story about how he almost died. Oh. And, uh, but he made it. He ain't got no stress. Well, good. Yeah. Spoiler alert. He made it. And where did the name Biggie come from? Because he's not big. Yeah. It was one of those ironic names. He's eight pounds, but he's not big.

He's big, biggie. - He's basically nine pounds in your eyes, right? - That's right. We rescued him and the rescue caught him buttons.

And that, he didn't seem like a button. Yeah, that wouldn't fly in my household. So Biggie just fit. He has a big personality. I think it's that. Like the iconic rapper, Biggie Smalls. Yeah. And what's his big personality like? He's just full of life. Because all I ever see is he's sleeping. Yeah, every time we see him, he looks dead. He's crazy.

I need to understand this. His personality comes out when I'm not taping a pod. He's been trained to know to just chill when I'm doing a Zoom or a podcast. You guys don't make me defend my dog. I just don't see a terribly big personality. That's because you're not at my house. Come over and you'll see he gets real riled up when he sees a squeaky toy. I am...

- So he's also a genius? - He's a genius. He runs out at the end of my special. You'll see his personality there. - Okay, well. - Watch "Good Fortune" and he'll run out at the end. He's the end of the whole thing. - The biggie finale. - The biggie finale is him, yeah. Do you think dogs ever have dreams where their owners treat them bad and then they wake up and they're in a bad mood at the owner?

You know how if you dream that someone cheated on you and you're just annoyed at them all day even though they didn't? I wonder if dogs are like-- -I don't know. I have had Jacks upset with me before because of a dream. I'm like, "This doesn't seem fair." -I've had that too where I'm looking at Stephanie just like, "What have you been up to?" While I was completely passed out snoozing,

Biggie doesn't really get mad at us. He gets upset every now and then when we're not with him, so he'll pee on something to show us. I wish I could do that. Did you know that they... You can, by the way. Yeah, you're right. There's nothing stopping me from doing that. Didn't that at... What's her name?

pooped on what's his name's bed. Amber Heard. Yeah, there was something there. I read this study where they filmed the dog home alone and then the owner went out and they didn't tell the owner when they were going to go home again to see the dog. And then randomly at like 3 p.m. in the middle of the day, they go, OK, time to go home. And as soon as the owner knew, OK, I'm heading home now, the dog psychically got up, went to the door.

waited for them. So I think there's psychic connections between, there's all kinds of things going on that we don't understand. Interesting. Well, our cats are all outraged when we leave the house. Really? Yeah, we've got three cats, especially Fluff, man. She, if we go on vacation, she, as soon as we walk in the door, she's like...

She comes up and just swats our legs. And we're just like, how dare you leave me? She's like, where the hell?

Where were you? Where were you? And the other cats kind of chime in doing their little meows, but they're not as aggressive as Fluff. Yeah. I imagine when you said that, like, they were giving you the silent treatment or, like, being a little standoffish, but they're fully attacking you. Oh, Fluff is outraged. Outraged. I mean, not attacking, but just, like, swatting our calves. Yeah. She doesn't really understand...

you know, we give her shelter, food, water. Like, we're not the enemy here. Right. And we had someone taking care of her. It's just we went on vacation. And it's just...

It seems a bit much. Yeah. Do you ever sit fluff down and say, we give you everything? I do. I sit her down oftentimes and tell her a lot of things. And I haven't seen one of those conversations register in her walnut-sized brain. You show her your bank statements? You're like, this is where I bought it. Always. I'm like, look at this.

Okay. You think I don't love you? Fortune, would you ever get a dog psychic? Maybe. I would love to know what Biggie's thinking, though I can't imagine it's very deep. He doesn't strike me as a philosophical dog.

I feel like he's very simple. Like, I love you. Where's my food? Yeah. No, it's more, I love that you give me food. Exactly. People misunderstand the affection from their animal and think that they're so loved. But it's just like...

This is the hand that feeds me. Yeah. I love that you feed me. We do have in our place, we never had cameras before on the interior part and we do now. And so we never knew what he was up to when we were gone. And now we can check in on him. Uh-huh. And he literally for like four hours will lay by the door and wait for us. And you can see his head tilting back that he's howling. No.

And every time I'm like talking to the camera, like, please go lay in your bed. Just go chill out. Can he hear you? I promise we're coming home. He does not. We don't, I guess, have that psychic connection because he's still at the door and not moving. I wasn't sure if you had some sort of speaker where you can be like, we'll be home soon, precious. No, I'm just talking to myself like a crazy person. Like, please go lay in your bed. Just enjoy your night.

But yeah, we're crazy. We don't have kids. So this is where all of our attention goes. Are you not a cat person at all? You're just full? I don't know. I've never had a cat. So I don't know if I'm a cat person or not. I haven't been around a lot of friends who have cats. So I don't have much experience. That's weird. When I was a kid, I... Invite me over. I begged my parents for cats and then they got...

us two little kittens finally and this is like such a metaphor for maybe our family but we were so scared of them and like didn't know how to have kittens that we we kind of didn't touch them enough like we kept them at night I was scared that they were gonna crawl on my face so I even though I had begged for them and then so they were we kept them in a kind of enclosure just at night and they would meow all night they just wanted love and affection and we didn't touch them and then

So they didn't really care for us later in life. I bet. Yeah. But here's the good news. You assholes. Your face is fully intact. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I got both eyeballs. Yeah. You got all three eyeballs. Yeah. You are all set.

I just love the idea of like these kittens are too precious. No one touched them. Yeah. What if we break them? Nobody touched them. Yeah. That's always, you know, you do that with kids as well. These are precious little beings. No one touch them.

Lock them in a room. Yeah. All will be fine in the end. Yeah. Padded walls. Yeah. But you got to let them make mistakes, right? Like with kids in playgrounds and stuff, it's so tempting to just like hover underneath them, but they have to learn their own body weight. And yeah. Yeah. It's tough. Tig, did you always want kids?

I did. I always kind of imagined, though, that I would be by myself with one kid. And for some reason in my head, his name was Lil Timmy. Oh. Yeah. And it was me and Lil Timmy. And we were just going to go everywhere and do everything together. And I just didn't have...

faith in my ability to have a long-term relationship or I just didn't have that pressure on myself and so I just thought well I'll probably just be alone in life and and date but I'm gonna have little Timmy and and I'll put him in the basket in the front of my bike and yeah and we'll just like a kitten yeah we'll just go around the world together and then I met Stephanie and

And then little Timmy never appeared, but Max and Finn did. But I did. I always wanted him. I pictured little Timmy as just like a tiny version of you, like just looking exactly like you, kind of like in Paper Moon, you know, Tatum O'Neill and Ryan O'Neill. But then you saw your unborn children in Stephanie's eyes right away? I mean, I don't know that that happened right away. I mean, we did a movie together and there wasn't romantic...

sparks or anything. We just had a really nice time working together. And then afterwards was when we reconnected. And then when we started dating, I was like, wow, I have never felt the way I feel right now. And it is that I want to be with this person for the rest of my life. And yeah, I had really never, ever felt that I've, I've,

enjoyed the people that I dated, been in love, all sorts of things. But it wasn't quite like that. It seemed there was no other option. Yeah. That's magic. I like that. I actually had a come to Jesus moment that involved Tig and Stephanie, which I think sort of cemented my friendship with you guys. Because...

we had one of those like vulnerable moments of like, everyone's just being real. You know, like we had known each other for years and like hung out, but like never really, you know, talk talked. And we had a mutual friend who invited all of us to dinner and I had just gotten dumped and was just like done with dating. And I, we were having like a normal meal. And I think Tig, you might've been like,

how are you? Just like something simple like that. And I just like heart on my sleeve, laid it all out there for the whole table. Like I'm sad. I don't like, I just got dumped. Yeah. I don't know if I'm ever going to meet somebody. I'm like this. It's just so heartbreaking. And they had these like beautiful words for me. And we just had this like,

real moment, you know? Yeah. I remember that feeling of like, do not say that you, there is somebody out there and you are going to find this person. I have all the faith. Like, I really remember that feeling in that conversation. I was like, yeah, there is no world where I believe that this is the end of the road for you. And then totally boom. I met Jack's like,

three or four months later. Yeah, I love that. And then I saw you again and you were like, hey, how's it going since that last time we talked? And I go, you'll never believe this. And we just were like, you and I were just like,

had like this friendship ever since it was like really cool yeah we were both goofy in love not together but yes go on Mae thanks for clarifying yeah don't get any weird ideas here that's a big plot twist yeah and then

I read a thing because I hate when friends of mine are like, it's just never going to happen for me. And then I read this quote that was like, instead of searching for love, search for the boundaries within yourself that are preventing you from accessing the love that's everywhere. And because there's so many people for like, there's so much love around. And then I had a dream the other night. I had

a dream the other night where I swear to God in the dream I like I knew with such clarity that there was a mathematical equation that the amount of love that you put out into the world is the exact amount of love that you get back and in the dream I knew it for sure who knows isn't that a Beatles song yeah it's lyrics yeah yeah yeah

The love you take is equal to the love you make. Yeah. But in the dream, I was like, no, that's math. And I knew it. I don't know that I believe it in my waking life, but it feels true. That'd be great if you could just crunch numbers like that and have a dreamboat show up. I'm owed this much love this month. Yeah, yeah.

She'll be this tall. This is her career. And there she is. Yeah, I know. You're not really the settling down type though, right, Mae? I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that. It evolves like depending on the circumstance. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely. No, I'm totally open to settling down. I just get philosophically in my head about like never. I feel like I get a lot of my life forced from like,

Eros or like desire and so I get in my head about like what never...

having any other sexual experiences or one person holding the keys to that whole part of me. But then I'm totally into the idea of building like a life with someone for sure. Yeah, it's fun. I mean, I think it is. It's the most fun. Yeah, totally. Yeah, I mean, like real intimacy like that is that's a bigger high than anything. And that's what I'm looking for those highs. Yeah.

maybe maybe you'll have like four wives sure maybe you'll have two wives and two husbands yeah yeah that's true that too yeah

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-I feel like you might make your own path is what I'm saying. -Well, it's funny how situation dependent it is. I don't know. I never talk about my actual love life, but I am seeing someone now who I'm like, "Actually, forget everything I ever said." -Interesting.

Look at you. Well, we did know from the other day, from the other podcast, you were in bed with someone. Yeah, I'm dropping hints. There were some signs that someone was around. And does the person that you're dating right now know that you are like, maybe forget everything I ever said? Yeah. Yeah. I can't imagine you...

Keeping anything in my brain. No, no, I'm hard on my sleeve. Yeah. I have a hard time, you know, when I have information. Yeah. Especially about myself. I'm like, I got to get it out there. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I try not to like,

trauma dump on people I heard that phrase but then it's like but that is that's what friendship is right of course dumping on people yeah dumping on people as long as it's in like increments yeah you know it's not like you know what the first time you want to like give it all out like in one dinner yes

Yeah. I saved my trauma dumping for one dinner with Tig. Yeah. But just one part of my life. Yeah. I was going to say that's the only trauma you've, except you're in really good shape there. I have no other problems. Good night. Everything's been fixed since Jack's got here. Silence. Um,

I was just I feel like we all have like an internal clock that knows oh now is roughly the time for the question yeah yeah yeah that's true maybe should we head on in that direction we have a question from someone how exciting who is this person oh can I tell a little story about um Lance Bass before so okay maybe I'll introduce it and then I'll tell my NSYNC story

Yeah. Okay. So guys, I'm really excited because fortune, you've got a question from Lance Bass, the Lance Bass singer, actor in sync.

He's got an amazing podcast that you can hear called Frosted Tips with Lance Bass. I'm like a big boy band fan. That's really my era. And I love Lance Bass and I love NSYNC. And one time... I'm sorry. Can I just say? Yeah. I heard it as big boy band. I'm a big boy. I'm in a big boy band. I'm in a big boy band. Yeah. I don't know.

That's a fun thought aside from just boy bands, like a big boy band. I got my big boy pants on and my big boy band. Yeah, like boys to men. Yeah. Okay. Big boys to men. I think I was kind of like boy who cried wolf in school a little bit, like I would maybe embellish. And then one time I went out for dinner with my family and at the next table, this is at the height of their fame, was Lance Bass and Chris Kirkpatrick. And I was like 13 and this was huge. And this is before...

phone so none of us had a camera but I was like I need a picture with them and we asked the waiter at the restaurant like is there like a restaurant camera like do you guys have one

And they did. They found one. They did? Yeah. And so then got a picture outside. He was so nice to me. Chris Kirkpatrick, Lance Bass, took the photo, went into school the next day. And knowing like they're going to get those photos developed and I'm going to go get the photos, told everyone the story and then called the restaurant. And they were like, we don't know what you're talking about. And I could never get the photo. They were like, oh, we don't have the camera or like...

And so everyone thought I was lying. So I don't know if you could ever get Lance Bass to back me up if he remembers this little braces acne kid. Lance, I'm going to need you to dig back into your memory bank. I'm sure this is...

Sticking out all these years. Where was it? Was it in Toronto? It was in Toronto in Yorkville. Lance is in Toronto in Yorkville. My whole body was vibrating. And also we were like, we're not going to interrupt their dinner. We're going to wait till they leave the restaurant. So that meant we had to wait till they were done. So we were dragging out our dinner. We'd run out of stuff to say. I don't understand where this, they're acting like the camera never even existed. Well,

It just took a few phone calls of like, oh, we don't know who was working that night or we don't. And then it was like, okay, no, we, this guy took the picture, but we don't know where that camera is or we don't. And I never got the, and so everyone at school was like, yeah, right. This is like when you said. Heartbreaking. You went to. I can't wait for Lance to prove all of them wrong when he remembers. Every detail. This detail. I have a big boy band story. Oh my God, hit me. Let's hear it. I was skiing.

Yeah. And went to take a little break. This is years ago. And I'm sitting there alone at this table having lunch or something. And the table in front of me, there's just a lot of chaos going on. People ordering food, coming over, sitting down, you know, skis and whatever. And I'm not fully focused. And then I'm thinking, this looks like Hanson.

And then a beat later, I'm like, this is Hanson. And I was just sitting alone, just this lonesome lesbian. Yeah.

Just watching Hanson have lunch with their parents and family. And it was just such a funny moment where I just thought, it's a shame I'm not a big fan because this was such a bizarre. Yeah. It's like the time I went with friends to bowl and

in Hollywood and right next to us the lane over was the Olsen twins for their 13th birthday bowling. And I was like, gosh, there's so many people that could have enjoyed this way more.

This doesn't feel right that I have a front row ticket to Hanson or the Olsen twins. I wish that you had waited till the end of their meal and got the restaurant camera and been quivering with excitement. I'm just shocked you knew that they were Hanson. Yeah. Well, I do follow music. That's one of my passions. Yeah, I love music. They were huge. Yep.

So they just released a new acoustic version of that song. And let me tell you, it is amazing. Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah. They're like, who on earth needs an acoustic version of Mbop? May does. Honestly, I don't even think we needed the acoustic version of Nirvana. Yeah.

I love Nirvana. I'm not sure we needed the original Mbop, but we've got it. I've gone off in a different direction here, but I like Nirvana for Nirvana. You know what I'm saying? I don't need you unplugged.

Yeah. Plug it back in. Yeah. Plug it. Plug it back in. I don't want to hear the sex pistols unplugged. You know what I mean? Well, my boy band before, I loved NSYNC, but they were like getting popular, I think, when I was a freshman in college. Yeah.

I grew up on New Kids on the Block and I was obsessed with Jonathan. Obsessed like you wanted to date him? -Yes, I wanted to date him. -Good luck. For both of us. I put his picture and posters of them all over my wall. This is when I thought maybe I'm straight because I was obsessed with him.

And got tickets to their concert, cried like a baby in the whole concert, just sobbing. Realizing you're not straight. Realizing I'm not straight. But I think I ultimately just wanted to be in the boy band is what it was later on in life. But I know Jonathan now. And it's funny to be like, I was obsessed with you. How do you know all these boy band guys? You know, Lance Bass. Honestly, I don't know how I...

think I met Jonathan because he used to watch Chelsea lately okay and then Lance I think just through the whole gay world of living in LA yeah how have I never met him I don't know because he he gets around a lot I guess because I'm always home that would be and he never swings by

Can you invite him to something, Fortune? Yeah, he's been to quite a few things. But I guess I haven't had you there before because it's been a while since we've thrown anything. But next time I do, I'll invite the both of you. I'll be chill, I promise.

I remember I invited him to sit at a table for this event I was doing and my friends were freaking out because they were big NSYNC fans and they were like, I can't believe I'm about to sit at a table with a member of NSYNC. And I was like, guys, don't embarrass me. I'm not, I don't even know what NSYNC sings, honestly, even though. Bye, bye, bye. Oh, oh,

Oh, oh, oh. Tearing up my heart when I'm with you. Is that NSYNC or Backstreet Boys? Oh, that's NSYNC. It is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. See, I feel like I know if you gave me a lineup of NSYNC, I would go, oh, that's Lance Bass.

But I don't know if I'd know the rest of them. Would you know Justin Timberlake? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was in NSYNC. Yeah. Oh, okay. Chris Kirkpatrick, Joey Fitzgerald. They actually have a lot of hits. I can't name them right now. See, I feel like Joey could be in any...

He could be in all the bands. And I didn't know that What's-His-Name was in a boy band. I thought he was just in the Mickey Mouse Club. Justin Timberlake? Justin Timberlake. Didn't know he was in NSYNC. Justin and JC were like the two main singers for NSYNC. Lance had the bass part. Okay. And then who is in... I know Donnie Wahlberg is in New Kids. New Kids, yeah. Jonathan Knight. Yeah.

Don't know. Joey McIntyre. That sounds familiar. Jonathan and his brother Jordan. Don't know him. But I did know who Hanson was. That's true. Yeah. But they're more of a sort of folk family outfit. Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe you got to see their parents. I'd be fascinated. You're more of a Taylor Dane gal. Yeah.

Which is one of my most favorite stories anyone's told in the history of stories. You're kind. You're kind. If only it were made up. And it's just not. But yeah, I think I would know Donnie Wahlberg. They're a...

Hanging tough. Yes. You know that song? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Wait, should we listen to Lance's question? Oh yeah, sure. Oh yeah. How's it going fortune, May and Tig? It is Lance Bass here. And boy, do I have a question for y'all. All right. Would you rather have five half-sized clones of yourself or one full-sized clone of yourself?

I'll tell you what just surprised the hell out of me. You bet his voice was deep? Yeah. I told you he sings bass. Sexy. Oh, right. Right. That is a hot voice. And how crazy that his name is Bass, which is also spelled bass. Yeah. That is crazy. I never thought of that. His voice is so nice. I'm stunned. Yeah, velvet. He's got a sexy voice.

we need to relax let's all take a deep breath okay you got us feeling all handsome over here pretty little lady over here tig did turn into a pretty little lady hearing lance's voice hey wow someone told me our mutual friend said that and i don't know if i have not confirmed this with lance but i imagine it's true that

that Lance sang the part of the Chili's song that went... Barbecue sauce. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah.

You know that song, I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. Chili's baby back ribs. And then it ends with barbecue sauce. Our mutual friend said Lance sang that part. Why don't you text him and ask him so we can get an answer here. Okay, I'll find out. Is Lance single? Is he married? He is married to a gorgeous man named Michael who's an artist. And they just had twins. A boy and a girl. Oh.

Because I'm trying... Oh, it doesn't matter. Well, I don't know. Well, I was thinking about getting on... This is before I started dating this person I'm dating now, but I was thinking about getting on Grindr. And I was thinking like... Because I was thinking, God, Lance Bass sounds hot. And then I thought, maybe I would be his... Never mind. No, it's too much of a word. You were thinking that you might be his type. Well, yeah, like I...

I don't know. I sometimes look like if I'm in a steam room or something at the gym, I'm thinking of one specific time in a steam room at a gym. Since I have my top surgery, if it's steamy enough, I can look like a sort of twink. And I'm into that. And this guy came in the steam room and he thought I was a guy and I knew he was a guy and he was flirting with me and it was electric because something about the fact that it was

because then he did start touching... He got his dick out. And he started... Anyway. But it was really steamy and nothing happened except that. But I was like, if I thought that this was a straight guy who thought I was a girl, I'd be like, call the police. But...

knowing that it was a gay guy who thought it was a guy, I was like, this is a glimpse behind the curtain into a whole other world and it's so hot. And I was like, okay, maybe I get on... And then I did make a Grindr account and I didn't put my face on it and I would just say, like, I'm, you know, I don't have a... Wait, are you going to be catfishing people? No, I say... Oh, you say... Like, this is the situation. I say, my name is May. Yeah, I go, I don't have a dick, but I got a very hairless chest. Yeah.

Well, I'm sure if Lance was single, this sounds quite fun. Does this sound appealing to him? Maybe. Hi, my name is May. I don't have any hair. Not a lot of hair either. Is it just me or has TV gotten really complicated? I'm either endlessly searching for my favorite shows or I'm subscribing to like a dozen different streaming services to make sure I can watch everything that I love. Thankfully, Philo has changed all of that for me. One service online.

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That's HelloBello.com slash Wondery to start bundling with 30% off your first order. Don't forget, that's HelloBello.com slash Wondery. Maybe what we can also do with this show is ask our guests who they want to date out of the three of us. Out of the three of us? Oh, no. What? I'm going to lose. No.

But I mean, do you want to win? No. I mean, are you looking to date Lance Bass? Yeah. After hearing that voice? Yeah. It was really creamy. Anyway, we... I just texted him. His notifications are silenced right now. So we'll see. But he is a part of Chili's history, which is all that matters. I guess in the cultural zeitgeist, I know I want my baby back, baby back. But I don't know the rest. And I've never been to a Chili's. I just went to my first Cheesecake Factory.

I had the time of my life. You did? I love a cheesecake factory. I loved it. That's my kind of place. I don't like seeing the calories on the menu. It bums me out, but it's tasty. I like a 50-page menu. That's when you know you're at a nice restaurant when they have the calories next to what you're ordering. What'd you get, Mae? I got a pasta and then...

Yeah. I love Canadians saying pasta. Oh, pasta. What do you say? Pasta? Pasta. Yeah. That's handsome. I just got a message from Lance. He wrote, sure did like a good base.

-Oh. -I don't know if he's trying to say-- -We caught him in a lie. -Now that you've pointed this out, Tig, I don't know if he's saying a good bass or a good bass. May, I'm sorry to interrupt. You got a pasta? -Oh, yes. Shrimp pasta and then a ton of starters and then so much cheese cake. -How many calories did you walk out of there? -Like 10,000 calories. -I don't know. I wasn't adding them up. -All their starters are so good. -Oh my God. I like gentle brown food.

There's so many things that we need to do together. One is to go dine at the Cheesecake Factory.

The other is to get a massage together. Thomas, can you tally all the things? And get drunk on a show, a crowd work show. Yeah. If you could keep a tally or a list of all of the things that we're claiming we're going to do together. But we have to make sure that Cheesecake Factory has some vegan options. They do. Okay, good. I was in Honolulu and I was...

desperately in search of some vegan options and there was a cheesecake factory across the street

and Hot Damn. Wow. Right there. Wow. They are for everyone. Most places have them. Okay, good. So I've never, I don't think I've ever heard you, Tig, answer like a would you rather question, like a hypothetical, but for some reason you strike me as the type of person who'd be like, but why am I doing either of these things? And it's like, well, that's the question. And you're like, but why do I have to have five? Okay, Stephanie and I always do this. Oh.

Always where we'll be like, would you do this or would you do that? Or out of, you know, there's a group of mothers that are at our kids school, the mothers of the other kids. And the other night before bed, we were ranking who we would date.

In order. And then every now and then Stephanie does this to me and tease me. She Charlie Brown and Lucy's me. She'll be like, I would never. And I'm like, what? After I've told her who I would date in order. She's like, I wouldn't date any of them.

you know and you're like yeah and I just told you and she's like oh good to know she's in the number one spot oh my god that's amazing yeah that's a trap yeah but no I'll play along but I do I do kind of go off in the on what planet

What wizard is presenting me with this choice? So what was the question was five mini clones, like half size. So are we talking about like a, that's like a, like a little tiny, like four half size version of us. Yeah. Or, or one full size clone of us.

Well, isn't the only benefit of having a clone is getting them to do the stuff that you don't want to do. So you'd need one that would pass as you like a full one full size for me. I'm pretty freaked out by the five half size. Okay. But then they could. There's a lot more. They could do even more. Yeah, there's a lot. I don't know why they have to be smaller. Frankly, yeah.

Because people would notice that I'd shrunk. People would be like, I'm trying to imagine a three-foot version of me. I'd look like a little roly-poly. The only way I hide my weight is because I'm almost six feet. You're almost six feet? Well, I'm like 5'10". You know what? Stephanie did mention that yesterday. She was like, you know, Fortune's really tall. And I said, I didn't even notice that.

I'm a 5'10 tall drink of water. Yeah. What about you, Mae? How tall are you? 5'7. I'm just the little one. Wait, are you 5'5? I'm 5'5. 5'5. And I had back surgery and I might even be 5'4. Oh my God, it shrunk you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa. I think so. I'm pretty freaked out by clones, but my dad was very freaked out by body snatchers when he was a kid, I guess.

of the body snatchers came out or something like that. And so when his mom was always working and so she'd come back home late and he said, no matter what time you get in, come wake me up. And then she had to say, he would say airplane and she had to say window. And then he knew it was really her and not a body snatcher. Yeah. Wow. He was really serious about that. Yeah.

So maybe you got to just tell your clone all the secret words. I would like to clone Biggie. Can I do that? Yeah, Barbra Streisand did that. Would you want Biggie half the size? Five little Biggies? Yeah, do you want five? A four pound Biggie would actually be pretty adorable. And five of them.

I would actually kind of love that. Oh, there is nothing better than tiny little animals. Tiny little biggies running around. Yeah. Full of personality. Thank you very much. While they sleep.

I don't know. I would be kind of freaked out by five little versions of me. I could handle one. Do they have your same personality or is it like they're starting from scratch? It kind of sounds like it's just children. That's kind of what five tiny versions clones of you would be. Because I see myself and Max and Finn and I feel like I have two little...

little versions of me. Yeah. I don't think I want a child version of me. You don't? Mm-mm. I have a question. Would you guys make out with your clone just to see? Ew! No! God, no. Really? God, no. Yeah, no way. It sounds like May 1. I love that you want to make out with yourself. I want to know. I want to know. What?

You're like, I want the gay guys to love me. I want myself to love me. I'm shocked that you wouldn't want to just see what it's like. I would not want to make out with my clone in a million years. Or five tiny versions of myself. Yeah, definitely not that. I'm not doing that. And we walk in, Mae's having an orgy with half. Yeah, like five tiny versions. Outside of the steam room at the gym. Yeah.

So are you saying, Mae, that you would want five versions of you? I'm going one full size so I can make out without feeling creepy. Okay. I would say it's still creepy. Yeah. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. I'm going to vote...

Creepy. Still creepy. Yeah. But also, yeah, I'd be sending it to do kind of shows I didn't want to do or like I'd always do this podcast my real self though. Oh, that's how would we know? I guess we'd say airplane window. Yeah. Yeah. And then we're like, we're like, clone, can you go get me? I love, I love, I love the exhausted what clone clone and does clone appreciate being called clone?

Yeah. What would your clone's name be? Yeah, Clone. Just Clone? Yeah, just Clone. I don't want to humanize it too much in case it gets any big ideas. But are you annoyed by Clone? Because it feels like you've been married to Clone for years. Clone. He's all ball and chain. Clone. Oh, Clone. Clone.

Yeah, I am kind of annoyed by clown. Just come make out with me, clone. Oh, my God. Making out with yourself. Just not for pleasure, for curiosity's sake. But that's what you could say to anyone that you're trying to hook up with. You're like, I'm not even into you. I'm truly just curious what it would be like to make...

To make out with you. I need you to just, you know... This is for science. Yeah. Yeah. I'm still shocked that you wouldn't... Yeah, I'd never. No. No. I don't want to look at myself...

My eyes are closed when I'm making out. Yeah, I don't know. I wonder if there would be like a pheromonal repulsion the way like you're supposed to be pheromonally repulsed by your siblings so that like biology to prevent you from. I would love to walk up and see Fortune making out with herself and be like, Fortune? Yeah.

They both turn. And we're like, busted. And then you go, clone. Clone. God, clone? We should have stayed in both. Yeah, I think I would want a full size version of myself. I mean, I'm not looking for one, but if I have to answer this.

I would say full size and I would send my annoying clone out into the world. I don't know what I would send my clone off to do though. Right.

Well, have you ever wondered what you'd look like with a neck tattoo or something like that? You could get them to do all the risky, big mistakes just to see, you know, so you don't... Do you see a neck tattoo as a mistake? On you specifically? It doesn't seem to fit you, that's for sure. I don't know. If you got anything on your neck or on your clone's neck, if your clone called and was like, hey, I really want a tattoo, and you're like, clone, fine. Clone.

-I'd go find you-- -Like a big old tiger. -Oh, that's nice. -Yes. I want my clone to be edgy. -With bad taste.

How dare you? Do you have tattoos? Me? No, this is not a tattoo buddy. I got a bunch. Yeah. How many do you have? I have about 18, but they're all really small. I didn't know that. They're all really small and just words and stuff. I might get an NSYNC tattoo on my clone just because Lance was the one that asked the question.

I'm too much of a puss too for tattoos look very painful. You go numb really fast and then it kind of weirdly feels good.

Yeah, they're pretty... Once you start, they're addictive. Would you ever get a Max and Finn tattoo, Tig? Some people say, oh, I just never had anything that I was certain about. And then they have kids and they're like, okay, I'm always going to love that person. No, I mean, I know I'll always love them, but I don't think I will. There's not anything...

No, I just, I don't, I don't connect to it. Yeah. I certainly will see people with tattoos that I think, oh, that's cool. And then I see other tattoos where I'm like,

Yeah, some of mine I think would fall into that category. Why did they do that? Yeah, yeah. You have one of those? I have a couple of those, yeah. What are they? Where you feel that way or you know people are looking at that going, oh, boy. Like I feel that way. Yeah, I've got the word oatmeal tattooed on my wrist from when I was 16. And then I have...

I have a Beatles song here, which is... The song is I Dig a Pony. And I got it... Mainly, I was sort of getting sober and I was like, God, this song is like the whole Beatles message. Like, you can celebrate anything you choose and all this stuff. And then I hadn't Googled it before I got the tattoo. And the first thing that came up... First of all, pony is a euphemism for cocaine. I didn't know that. So I've got I Dig Cocaine. I didn't know that either. Yeah. Second of all...

first thing that comes up is John Lennon saying, that's my least favorite Beatles song I ever wrote. It's garbage. It means nothing. I wish I could throw it in the garbage. Like, yeah. Tell me about Oatmeal on your wrist. The true story is I went on, it was the Second City Touring Company was on tour and I was 16 and I somehow went along with them. And there was this woman there who I had a big crush on, this comedian, and she took

took my shirt off and drew a bunch of tattoos on me looking back strange sitch but uh drew them on and then I thought hey what would be hilarious is if I went and got one of these tattoos to to really impress her and the look on her face when I revealed that I had got the oatmeal tattoo that she drew on my arm that I thought she'd be like whoa what a badass and she was like oh my god what a

What have you done? What have you done? Did she know you had a crush on her? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything ever come from that? No. Even with the oatmeal tattoo? Yeah, that didn't push her over the edge? No, I mean, I was 16. It did, but the other way. Yeah. It's a long story. I'll tell you another time. Wow.

Well, she probably was like, who in the world gets oatmeal tattooed on their body? Mae Martin. The thought. Yeah, because I don't really have any strong feelings about oatmeal as a food. But in a way, that's kind of nice because they'll never change. Like, I don't mind oatmeal. I don't particularly. It's fine. Well, let me tell you something about oatmeal. You want to make sure you always get steel cut oats. Why? Why?

It's just the healthiest version. Okay. No need to put any sort of sugar in there. Just smash some bananas, some blueberries, some cacao, maybe some raisins, or maybe you don't like raisins, maybe some walnuts, maybe you don't like walnuts in there. It's so good for you. Very heart healthy. Very heart healthy. Really? That's where I can put the blueberries that you told me I need to eat. Yes, the blueberries. And wild blueberries...

are much healthier than just growing it in your garden. Sometimes if I have oatmeal in the morning, I feel like I'm more hungry later in the day. Well, did you eat again?

Because you can eat again. Yeah, that's true. You do have that option. Yeah, you can eat again. Yeah, you can get your clone to make it for you. And you know what I actually heard that I find really fascinating? I was talking to Stephanie about this recently. It's typical to have a very light breakfast, and then you have your lunch, then a big dinner. It should be reversed. Yeah, I have heard that. Because you are asleep for so long, and then breakfast...

will sustain you first thing in the morning. And it's like the biggest meal that you should have in the day. You should eat breakfast like a king or queen. Yeah. Then lunch like a prince, dinner like a pauper is what they say. Yeah. And then because you don't need as much, you don't need as much food for your night, night time.

Yeah, you're going to sleep. When I lived in Spain, breakfast wasn't huge, but it was a giant lunch and a small dinner. That's where the tapas came into play. Yeah, I like that. And I lost a bunch of weight living in Spain and didn't even try. How long were you in Spain? I lived there for a year right after college. Whoa.

And the weight fell off of me and I was eating whatever I wanted. Wow. Well, I would, to answer Lance's question, just have the one regular sized version of me.

Because that's just weird thinking of five little me's running around. Yes. So we're all going one regular size. Yeah. Should we hear what Lance said? Yeah, let's hear it. See, for me, this one is easy. I would definitely pick five half-sized clones of myself because I would create the coolest, most epic boy band in history. I mean, think about it. The synchronization would be insane. Yeah.

Interesting. Again, I'm stuck on why do they have to be half size? Because that's the only...

the way that this works. Oh, I mean, five of him, you know, in the harmonies, but he, except he's, he sings bass. So who's going to do the soprano? Maybe he can teach one of them to get a little higher. Well, there's gotta be higher and lower bass, you know, versions of bass. So that would be kind of cool. Remember that band, um, crash test dummies. Yeah. I really fortune.

Once there was a girl who... That's the one. Yeah, you could start a new Crashed Us Dummies. So that makes sense for him because he's a boy bander for life. Yeah, I had a feeling he was going to choose the five because it's like, why would you say that unless you had a point to it? And then once he said it,

I wasn't quite expecting though that he was creating a tiny little boy band. But he's a group, like a team player and we're all like egomaniacal, like solo. We're like... Well, especially you making out with yourself. You're making out with yourself. I know. I know. I gotta take a long hard look at...

Well, I can't wait to see his new boy band. You know, I just realized in this episode, we have referenced Mbop and Mm-hmm, that Crash Test Dummies song. Oh, yeah. You've also discovered that bass and bass are spelled exactly the same. Yeah, a lot of discoveries. A lot of discoveries. A lot of discoveries.

and that may would make out with themselves yeah and and and lance would you would you ask him if he and lance if he remembers a weird little kid in a there must have been every time he went to a restaurant there would be a weird ask him that next time i see him because i have a feeling there's gonna be a lot of follow-up questions yeah yeah yeah can you also ask him if he would be interested in dating me

Yeah. Okay. Feminist husband and his, I'll be a step-parent to the twins. They are such like a cool couple. Like Lance is, they're both like so handsome. They're, they hang out with this friend group of all these like beautiful gay men and they go on these like vacations where they all post a big group picture. And everyone you can tell is eating steel coat, steel cut oats and blueberries. Yeah.

They're all very fit. But wild blueberries. Wild blueberries. And they're just like the most gorgeous group of friends. Not one Ugg in the whole group. Not a single Ugg. Not one Ugg. Are they all full size or are they... All half size. All full size. And Lance's husband's gorgeous and he...

He makes pop art, which is like, so their house is really cool and has all this interesting pop art. It's like, they're a fun couple. Yeah. It sounds like they're living the dream. Yeah. We got to go on a group holiday. We just have Pokemon around our house, you know?

May's added something to the list that we need to go on a holiday to. A handsome holiday. Holly bobs. Oh, yes. Holly bobs. Handsome Holly bobs. I already forgot about that word. And I was determined to put that into my day-to-day life.

But a neck tattoo of holly bobs. Holly bobs. Where would we go on our holly bobs? That's a good question. Gosh, somewhere tropical. Well, yeah. Do we want tropical or do we want like wintry? Well, we already know take skis now. I don't anymore. But I do think that, you know, people, the fans are going to want to see us.

On a boat, sailing in our bikinis. Looking so handsome. Yeah, drinking our tropical drinks that are in pineapples or whatever people do. Eating steel cut oats out of a coconut. Yeah, I'll be doing that off in the corner. Yeah, so add that to the list, Thomas. Our handsome holly bobs.

Tig, what do you have coming up? Well, May, I'm going to be in Colorado Springs, September 25th, Breckenridge, Colorado, September 28th, La Crosse, Wisconsin, October 28th. Also, the month of October, I'll be in Europe touring around. Check my website for dates. And then November 4th,

Brooklyn, New York, King's Theater for the taping of my next special. Fortune, do you have anything? Starting September 29th, I'll be in Portland, Oregon, Spokane, Washington, Boise, Idaho, Minneapolis, Sioux Falls, Oakland, California, Evansville, Indiana, Dayton, Ohio, Charleston, West Virginia. And then I just added some Florida shows after Christmas. Go to fortunefilmstereo.com for tickets. May, what about you? Do you have anything to promote today?

I'm not as busy as you. I am kind of going to a wedding this week. So anyway, but I it's always good to get tickets to my Largo shows. I got two in October at Largo. Get a head start on them. I'm doing the October 12th. So May Martin and Friends with very exciting surprise guests. And then October 22nd, I'm doing like a weird one off kind of music show with my favorite band,

I'm not allowed to announce who they are, but there's a Canadian band who I absolutely am obsessed with. And it's like dream come true. We're going to do some duets. They're going to do their tunes. You should come, Fortune, come and sing some. You got it. And get tickets to this wedding that Mae's going to as well. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure the bride will love that.

Well, this has been so fun. I love these hypothetical questions. Is that what you would call it? Hypothetical? That's right. Thank you, Lance, for that hypothetical question. Thank you, Lance. And thank you guys for tuning in. As always, keep it handsome. I said it too. You sure did.

All right. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod.