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Welcome to another episode of the Handsome Pod. It's your handsome friend, Fortune Feimster, and I'm joined by... Mae Martin. And Tig Notaro. And we're handsome! Yay! Good morning!
Good morning, y'all. Are you guys caffeinated? Yeah, I got my coffee right here. It's the thing I look forward to most in the day is coffee. I am decaffeinated, but yeah. Everybody that I order a quad decaf soy or oat milk latte, they're like four shots of decaf
do they judge you? Yeah, four shots. That is a lot. Well, yeah, they judge me. Listen to Fortune judging me right out of the gate. I didn't even know that people ordered quads of anything. Well, yeah, I love the taste of coffee, but you know. You don't want that caffeine. I mean, there's some caffeine in there anyway. Yeah. But I can't...
my vibe and be too jacked up. Yeah, that would be really disconcerting if you were suddenly like talking a mile a minute. Tig's bouncing off the walls again. Nobody's ever said, Tig, relax. Yeah.
In middle school, you could go to this Canadian coffee shop, Second Cup, and we would get... It was called the London Fog, and it was Earl Grey tea with hot cream and vanilla syrup. It was the most rancid, sweet, thick...
creamy and you'd steep the tea for like two seconds so it was pretty much just hot sugar milk and we'd have that in the morning this claggy phlegmy disgusting and we felt like we were grown ups because we'd be like London fog please laughing
Nobody really drank coffee when I was growing up. It was not really a thing. Really? Oh, my God. I started drinking coffee when I was three or four. What? So you've been maybe on a caffeine comedown since that's why. Yeah, for 50 years. You were smoking cigs and drinking coffee. And water skiing in the swamps. Yeah.
I mean, truly, truly. My brother and I started drinking coffee. Our grandmother and great-grandmother lived together. And we would go over there and we would drink coffee. And to be fair, they had sugar cubes. And so we would...
enjoy putting sugar cubes into our coffee. Oh, yeah. It had to be really sweet when you're young. We also ate Rolaids. Like the gas... Is that the gas thing? Yeah. Like a mint-flavored chalky... Yeah, yeah. Because that was also in a jar. The caffeine was ruining your stomach. Well, no. No.
Our grandmother and great-grandmother had a jar of Rolaids and it was like candy. We'd just walk by, grab a handful, pop them in our mouth and then go skiing with the gators. I remember in like Cosmo magazine or one of those magazines when I was a teenager, it said supermodels.
supermodels survive off of Altoids and black coffee and I really stuck in my head as like a 13 year old I was like Altoids and coffee and I don't know I still think about it did you ever do it I'm sure for like a day I was like just an Altoid and a coffee for me
Just an Altoid and a London Fog. I'll do what the models are doing. Yeah. Yeah, it was like a few parents would make a pot of coffee, but there were no like coffee shops in my hometown. And then I think once I...
moved to LA, like coffee bean made the like ice blended drink. And that was when everybody was like, Oh, I love coffee. Coffee's like the greatest thing. You're just drinking a milkshake with coffee in it. And that was when like, with a little bit of coffee in it. Very little. Britney Spears was like running around LA with ice blended in her hand. And then all of a sudden they're like this coffee explosion of coffee.
Coffee shops. Well, I mean, Starbucks started kind of expanding and exploding in like the early 90s. I wish I had a fact about the Starbucks logo. And it's like somewhere in the recesses of my mind, there's a fact about the woman in that Starbucks logo. Is it a mermaid or something? Yeah, but I can't get there. I can't quite get there.
Well, what would you guys think if one day we provided our own handsome blend of coffee? Do you think that'd be fun? I think that'd be really cool because we're into coffee. Yeah. Yeah, I imagine like you drink a handsome coffee like in a big thick knitted sweater. You know, you're looking out over your...
Your yard, maybe? With your grandpa's sweater on? Yes. Or your kiddie pool? Yeah. You put your London fog down and you pick up a nice piping hot cup of handsome brew. Yeah. Handsome blend. Then your family respects you a lot more. Your family...
This coffee will make your family respect you. Well, listeners, write in. Let us know if you'd be interested in Thomas putting a handsome blend of coffee on the merchandise list. Put it on the list, Thomas. I do think it's crazy that coffee comes from beans in the same way I'm blown away by milk coming from nuts. It's just crazy to me. Oh, you mean not coffee?
dairy yeah oh you would like testicles i didn't know what you were talking about like i thought maybe um like nuts like from a tree but then because it's you then i thought testicles i always think of testicles when you think of me or just in general you always think of testicles fortune
I say penis as part of the situation. I don't think about the testicles. Fortune. Tig, don't you reprimand me. Fortune Marie. I actually really like compared to fortune. I really like a calm, quiet fortune. Like a warning. It's like, don't make me go there. Fortune Marie. Fortune Marie. Fortune Marie. Fortune Marie.
That's the daintiest version of my name. Fortune Marie? Isn't it Emily Fortune Marie? Emily Fortune Marie Feimster. Emily Fortune Marie Feimster II, you sit down. Women don't get the second or the third. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. You mean as a title? Yeah. Oh, that's true. It's always men. Yeah. They're trying to pass down that lineage. Right. Yeah.
I'm the third. I'm going to pass down that patriarchy. You're Tig the third? First of all, I think that is my favorite nickname since I got Tig as a nickname. Tig the third. Oh my God. Tig comes from a long line of tigs. Yes, please, Tig the third.
Well, no, my real name is Matiel. Oh, right. Yes. And my mother's name was Matiel and my grandmother was Matiel. But my grandmother went by Teal.
And my mother went by Susie. And I go by Tig the third. Your mom went from Matil to Susie? Yeah, because... I don't see the connection. Well, because my... Oh, and Tig makes a lot of sense. There's at least a T in there. That's true. That is very true. I can see Til to Tig.
But Teal. Teal. Susie's a bit of a trouble. Well, my mother's name, if they weren't going to name her Mathiel, they were going to name her Suzanne.
I like Suzanne. That's kind of fun. I've never heard. I've heard Suzanne and Susan. Never Suzanne. Yeah. I haven't either. That's what makes it so amazing. Hello, Suzanne. Anyone named Suzanne has a specific personality. And it wasn't my mother. I've never heard the name Matiel. Hmm.
either. Well, it's similar to, I guess, Matilda, but it's pronounced Mat-ee-l. It's French. But yeah, I'm Tig the Third. I love it. Because it reminds me of Hank Three.
You know, Hank Williams' grandson. Junior, senior? Well, there's Hank Williams, senior. Do you know who Hank Williams is? Mm-hmm. No. May? Country singer? May. I mean, I know the name. He basically invented country music. Junior was the one that sang, Why do we drink to get drunk? Yeah. Why do we get high? Yeah.
Oh, that part is the ones the audience sings. I'm thinking of like a Jimmy Buffett situation. Yeah, there was Hank Williams Sr. And he also sang, I'm forgetting the name of it. We use the song as my theme song on One Mississippi. Oh, yeah, I know that song.
Yeah. Jambalaya. Jambalaya. And then his son, Hank Williams Jr., who is known as Bocephus. Oh. That's his nickname. Why? I'm not quite sure. Bocephus. Bocephus. Southerners have this weird nickname. And then Hank Jr.'s son is Hank 3. 3.
stop okay you gotta be take three yeah yeah three yeah what up y'all my name is Hank three it's such a good name don't you think Hank three it is really it's so good Hank is a great name oh it's so good so is Huck yes yeah yeah I have some friends in Ohio and um yeah same they have a kid really
fortune you said that so like yeah big deal so do i a lot of us have friends in ohio you're not the only one i did i didn't know little miss thing i have some friends in ohio i have friends in ohio places
Yes. Back around to country. But Fortune, can we call you Little Miss Thing? Can we please? We have Little Cowboy and Little Miss Thing. And Tick Three. Little Miss Thing. Little
Little Miss Thing, whatever you want. You know how they usually write it Little Miss Thing with an A, but this would definitely be Little Miss Thing. I think it's funny. Little Miss Thing. Yeah. I now call Mae Buns. Oh, yeah. I really, yeah, Fortune texted me, thanks, Bud, and I corrected it to Buns. I really prefer it. My name's Buns to you. Sweet Buns. Well, what about your friends in Ohio? I didn't mean to rain on your parade.
One of their kid is Huck. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. I think I've said this before about that. I want to name my kid Bugs. But do you think that would be cruel to the child or? Well, in a weird twist in that same family in Ohio. Shout out. They have a kid that they never loved. Called by her real name. They just called her Bug.
Oh, okay, yeah. But you were thinking like Bugs Bunny. Yeah, and like on the birth certificate, Bugs, you know. Sure. Or Buster. I like Buster. Like Buster Keaton. Buster. Yeah. Buster. Are you having kids, Mae? Are you trying to tell us something?
I mean, I know the woman that you're highly involved with has a child who also lives in that house. Yes, she has a child who lives with me. And I really get why you refer to your kids as your roommates, because it is hilarious to be like, I live with this person. Yeah. Yesterday we did a...
Taylor Swift performance. She was like her godmothers, the woman I'm heavily involved with did like a ceremony to sort of almost confirm the godmothers and we did this like really earnest ceremony that was so funny and we did we sang this Taylor Swift song and she was so confident practicing it and then got really nervous and kind of stood behind me and then yeah asked me to tell everyone that we were both really nervous. Yeah.
So I did and then we sang it and it was very heartwarming. Which Taylor Swift song? That's my next question. Never Grow Up. So it goes, your little hand wrapped around my finger and it's so quiet in the world tonight. And it's really funny because it's
about like a mom singing to their little kid and being like never oh darling don't you ever grow up but hearing a five-year-old sing it was yeah not a dry eye in the house you guys i'm fortunate are you okay i'm nervous
Pretty little thing? Or what did I? Is that what I was trying to do? I just had Ria. Little Miss Thing? Little Miss Thing. Little Miss Thing. Not Pretty Little Thing. That's so sweet. Can you tell them we're both nervous? Yeah, but I actually...
um my brother once in the christmas play when he was four in preschool my mom had said you got to say your feelings always and so he walked up in front of the whole school and he had a british accent at the time and he went up to the microphone and he went i'm nervous oh my god i love that kids like being able to access their feelings yeah yeah i would like to say i'm nervous
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So she was mixed race, but she was raised by her mom who was white. And so she was at her great grandmother's 100th birthday party. And it was all her family. It's fun. Yeah, it's so fun. And she was two, I think. And the way she tells the story, she's like, I guess looking around and realizing she's the only non-white person there, which is a very weird feeling when you're two. And someone says, Lindsay, you got to get up and say...
happy birthday to great grandma on the microphone she's like i don't want to do it and they're pressuring her and it's like don't pressure this kid you're like just get up and say happy birthday great grandma i love you she's like okay she gets up and she describes like standing at the mic and looking out at the sea of faces and then she goes i hate you i hate you all oh my god
I really get it. I hate you. I hate you all. Good night. Good night. She's like, I didn't want to do this. I know. I'm nervous. But I really get it. She said she was just feeling like sort of alienated and like, fuck you. I don't, why'd you make me get up and say something? And I like it. I don't remember anything before the age of like six. You should talk to someone about that. Really? Is that not normal?
You don't even have little glimpses? I have glimpses here and there of kindergarten, but I don't remember a whole lot. Really? I don't really either. Really? My mom's like, when I was one and a half, I am like, how do you know this? Yeah. I have one sort of recollection of my grandmother driving me to preschool. I have a couple little spots of kindergarten-
But yeah, everything, I don't know. What a weird thing that like you see people day in and day out year after year.
And then just no clue that anything happened or who that was or, you know, like I see pictures of myself like in the arms of some woman and I'm like, who is this? Yes, that's so true. I've had a nickel. Wow.
It was truly. Arms of a woman I ended up in. And I'm like, I'm four, three or four, and I'm in a dress with sandals on and some woman's holding me. And there's like a whole series of pictures. And I'm like. Lovingly cradled by this stranger. I'm like, who is this? I've never seen that person ever again. Yeah. You would think somebody holding you in their arms. That was my best friend. Yeah.
That was my only friend. That's true, though. Like the drama, the daily dramas when you're like a toddler, it's so intense. And then, yeah, no recollection. Nothing. That's hilarious. Absolutely nothing. And like when you're a kid and then these people will come up and they're like, I remember when you were just this big. And you're like, okay, like, who are you? Yeah. You know? We're your friends from Ohio. Oh, good one.
Not pretty little, little, little miss thing. Your whole thing is going to be like, wait, what was your name again? Pretty little miss thing. Pretty little miss fortune thing. Oh,
Oh, boy. But still, even now, though, people will be like, remember in college when you did... I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe my memory's not great. Stephanie will be like, remember yesterday when we were talking? I'm like, no. Who are you?
I think I have enough of a like healthy dollop of narcissism that I'm like constantly narrativizing my life. Like I think even when I was three, I was like, I'm May and this is my story. Telling every moment. Yeah. Being like today, the pain was immense. And then were you a journaler?
Yeah. Oh, I was going to say, were you a troll based on that voice? I'm a troll. That's my inner dialogue every time you talk about your inner thought. Yes, my face is green. I ain't doing this. You journaled a lot? Yeah, I always had weird little diaries and journals and stuff. But my parents read my diaries when I was a teenager. And now I do keep a diary, but it's like,
Almost in coat. No, it's locked in a safe. No, you just have one of those little locks. Little tiny, yeah. No one will crack this. I only journaled once in my life. It was when I was living in Spain and I didn't have many friends. So I think I was just like, I'll just write. Way to bum everyone out. I probably was pretty insightful too. You're a pretty good writer.
What was your... I'm sure I had a lot of deep thoughts. What was like a journal entry for you, Fortune? I don't even remember what I probably... With the voice. I'm on the train.
I'm on a trip. Riding through the Alps. I'm going to do the troll voice. No, little baby fortune. Little baby fortune. Well, I was 22, so my accent would have been thicker. I'd be like, I'm here on this train. It's pretty cool. We're just going through the Alps. Man, those mountains. Those are some big mountains. I saw some water coming out of one of them. I hadn't seen that before. Oh.
Then we went through Austria and you know it's like going back in time all those rolling hills and I saw a cottage with some smoke coming out of it. Hey I like that. They want me to try something called wienerschnitzel but guess what?
It ain't hot dogs. Yeah, it's like some kind of breaded chicken or something. I wasn't expecting that. Well, more later. More later. Signing off. I did go on a Sound of Music tour by myself. And you're saying you had no friends? Well, I was alone. I went alone. It was me. That sounds like somebody with no friends, what they would do. I don't know.
Honestly, I would do that now by myself too because Jax would not go with me. It was me and three couples that were over the age of 70. Oh my God. And you took a van around Austria. How old were you? 22? Yeah, they blasted music from the sound of music. So there's no footage of this. No, I would give anything to have videos. You think you'd give any? I would give anything.
To see you with elderly people on a train. They felt sorry for me when I was like, do you want to come eat with us? Oh my God. And you went and ate with them? Yeah, because part of the tour was you stopped for lunch and everybody was in a couple and then there's this 22-year-old loser who
The 70-year-olds had to be like, hey, little loser. Hey, little lady. You want to come on over here? Or were they like, hey, son, would you like to join us? And then they gave us Edelweiss seeds at the end of it. That's pretty big deal. Yeah, Edelweiss is a flower. Oh, I never knew that. I thought it meant like goodbye. Fortune fact. Yeah. Oh, because of the song. Edelweiss, Edelweiss.
That's the flower. Okay. Oh, the flower greets him every morning. Oh, yeah. Small and white. Well, small and white could also just be a person. I'm just making stuff up. It was small and white. Wait. It was? Oh, because remember the chorus is like, may you bloom and grow. Yes. Bloom and grow.
You know how we always get asked questions by people about like, if you could go back in history to where I want to rewrite all my answers. It's this tour I want to be on. With me. I would have a friend to eat lunch with. Yes. Your wienerschnitzel. I love it. May. May Pearl Martin. May Pearl. May Marie. Fortune Marie and May Pearl.
Wait, you are May Pearl? Yeah, my first name actually on my passport is May Pearl. So Pearl's your middle name or is May Pearl your first? May Pearl's my first name. I feel like I don't even know you guys. I don't. They didn't give me a middle name. May, I have news for you. What? Pearl is your middle name. I think so, but my parents said...
say it's like it's like Mary Rose like it's a but there's no hyphen it's yeah but you go by May it's like Mayflower so Pearl is now your middle name and if your parents have more questions they can contact me directly oh I'm gonna put them in touch with you oh my god I should I should really get a question from my dad I think my mom's shy but my dad I'd like to get a question from him I told my mom that we would like a question from her and she goes well I don't know how to use technology
So, you know, I'll just have to figure that out at some point. I will say if anyone is listening to the podcast. My parents are dead. Oh my God, Tick.
Also, I just started a sentence. If anyone is listening to the podcast. Hello? Is anyone out there? Are we just talking amongst ourselves? If anyone's listening to this. It's just Thomas listening to us. We get on here and hi guys. Yeah. They should follow my dad on Instagram because he's just posting. He makes puppets and this is like a recent hobby of his. And it's like a great joy in his life.
particularly when people follow him on instagram it gets real excited so follow he just posted one called the golden gnome and it's this like creature that he made so follow at the james chato c-h-a-t-t-o is that weird that i'm plugging my dad's instagram let's unplug your dad yeah plug away plug him up is your mother on i'm asking people to not follow my father
Are your parents on Instagram? No. My dad's definitely not. He'll post on Facebook, like, great day. Great day. That's like the extent of it. Great day. My mom, I think, is on Instagram, but with like a...
like a friendster account. Like you don't know she's there. She's just lurking around. That is so funny. Well, guys, should we listen to our question? Yes. Yes, please. I'm excited because we have a Canadian today. A very, a characteristically kind and warm Canadian. Jonathan Scott is a Canadian construction contractor, interior designer, and illusionist.
He's best known for hosting the hit TV series Property Brothers with his twin brother Drew, as well as the spinoffs Buying and Selling, Brother vs. Brother, Forever Homes, and Property Brothers at Home. And what a kind...
Kind man. I did a couple escape rooms with him and Zoe. And yeah, what a joyful, playful, childlike soul. Do you think that we'll get invited to the wedding? That's a really good question. I know we will. I'm in charge of the guest list.
And he's always nice. I don't know him well, but I'll see them at events. And he always they always both say hi and are lovely. He's a big comedy fan. Yeah. In fact, I think he even tried doing stand up years ago. He used to do improv. I know. Yeah. And I'd love to see him do magic. We went to like a magic party.
bar where magicians go and then the magician was coming like table to table and then Jonathan was like can I just borrow that pack of cards and blew our minds like blew this magician out of the water and it was I love nothing more than to be astounded the problem is when you go somewhere and you don't want magic
And a magician is there and they harass you. Does that happen? Where is this? Yes. Not a lot, but we were at a party. Because I like magic. I'm always like, this is impressive magic.
Jax is not a magic man. Of course. Of course she's not. Classic Jax. Classic Jax beat it. She's over there rolling her eyes. Scram clown. This guy was like, it was like for a premiere, but the guy throwing, whose party it was, didn't know there was going to be a magician and he's not into magic, but the network hired a magician. And this guy was like harassing everyone like,
who wants to see a magic trick? And we were like, oh, I have, can I just like get a rain check? But he'd be like, okay, go get your drink and then I'm going to find you. And we were like, and he would. Oh my God.
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That is a thing, I think, because I once tried to hire a magician for a party and I found this website where you get like quotes, like you go, you look at all the different magicians, you click the one you want, you tell them about the event. So I'd like got some info from a few magicians. And then this one, I somehow got my phone number from the website and he texts me, he goes, Hey, it's really, um,
disrespectful to like get a quote and ask questions from a magician because the website charged me $20 and I wrote back I was like sorry who is this yeah and what do you mean he was like yeah there's like an etiquette here and we got into this long I was writing essay text like argument with this guy and then at the end he was like so do you want to book me or you're like no you're a terrible guy that's for asking everyone like I know you want to see some magic I know I'm coming over right now pick a card
And then they want a certain response at the end of the trick. You got to be like, oh my God, that was the greatest thing I've ever seen. You know, I actually was at dinner, even though I was laughing at going, where does that magic just spontaneously happen? This isn't exactly the same, but it's similar enough. Stephanie and I were in this tiny town in Colorado that we stopped in to have some food.
And we're just eating. And this guy recognizes me, comes and I was getting the vibe that he was recognizing me. And I was thinking, oh, gosh, you know, not really wanting our dinner to be interrupted. But he comes over, not only interrupts us.
but it's like do you guys like balloon animals oh no no yes this guy's a serial killer we are at the restaurant and he's like no and i oh my god you of all people mortified and i was just sitting there get away
Get away. He's like, reet, reet, reet, reet. Yes. And now everyone's looking at our table and not like I'm the most well-known person, but then it was drawing more attention and, you know, it was...
So uncomfortable. That's just such a lack of self-awareness. Yeah, and both of you just completely deadpan expression while this guy's just wrestling. Well, no, Stephanie is so nice and like, you know, has a kind face. And I think that was probably happening. And I was just sitting there.
Scott is doing balloon animals while we're just trying to have dinner. Wait, we never did. Uh, Jonathan. We got very excited about magic. Sorry, Jonathan. Let's hear what he has to ask us. That's hilarious. Hello, handsome podcast. This is handsome property brother, Jonathan Scott. I've had work done. Uh,
I am so excited to be doing this because I'm a huge fan. I'm obsessed with you guys in a purely not creepy way. A sweet, innocent way. Anyway, question I have for you. Have you ever had or do you have one of those punch list items around the house? It's been on the honey do list forever. You keep pushing it off and pushing it off. What is that? And are you handy enough to actually fix it?
Because it's not just about being handsome. It's also about being handy. Handysome. Yeah, handysome. There were a couple of like punch lists I've never heard and then honey do list. I liked that. Have you never heard honey do list? No. Yeah, like honey do this. Honey do that. There's a lot of items on our list. Really? We don't even have dining room chairs still and it's been a year since we moved. Where are you sitting? I don't know.
Well, we have an informal table where we have some chairs, but the proper dining room table has no chairs. Got it. Nothing's on the wall. We have not hung one picture. Jack just shushed me.
Jax, we should order dining room chairs. Fortune, can you handle that at another time? What if Jax... Jax, put it on the list. What if Jax just got on Amazon and just clicked on any chairs? Well, that's my problem. That's how I do things is I just go on Amazon and click like the first. That's why I have no style. Is that that thing in the background? Did you click on that on Amazon, Mae? Oh, are you talking about my light? This...
Cost $16.99. Yeah. And it is fake wood. It's made of plastic. $16? Yep. And I assembled it myself. Yeah, you did. So if I put something heavier than like a quarter on it, it's going to fall apart. It's like it's made of matchsticks. Wow. I'm not handy at all. Are y'all handy? I am not handy. But when I have downtime, I do like to challenge myself.
If we have something to put together or install, I always try to do it. And I can do it and I do it, but it's more of like a slow process. I'm curious if I can figure this out. But Stephanie, I would say she's pretty handy. And it really came out during the pandemic where she fixed the, like the
the disposal and the sink. Oh, whoa. Yeah. Where I was like, where'd this come from? And she was like, I don't know. Jax did that too. She fixed our disposal. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. I've gotten spoiled because Jax just figures things out. Yeah. And she's like up on the, she was like cleaning the gutters out and like painting her,
fence and... Okay, dyke. I don't know. Dyking out hardcore. Yeah. I'm not handy, but in the pandemic, I did start whittling. And I whittled some sort of
of faces out of wood. I ordered a lot of whittling gear, but no. And also, as I keep weirdly mentioning to you guys, I don't own any property. I really want to. And so anytime I can't change anything about where I live really on a on a deeper. I can't build like a sex dungeon or something. Oh, I thought you were going to say a garage like a little shed. But of course, it was like it was a sex dungeon.
Guys, I don't have a lot of square footage to add my sex dungeon. Oh my gosh. We have one closet that can fit like a handcuff. Look, it doesn't have to be large. It just...
I need to at least be able to put an Ikea chair in there. While I'm handcuffed to my Ikea chair. With my $16.99 Amazon. A sex dungeon. Wow. All right. And I get all the gear on Amazon. Get it, Mae.
I would like like a sex dungeon. Yeah, like a secret room. It doesn't have to be sex related, but like... But why have a secret room if it's not sex related? Well, exactly. I mean... Will you have something like where you have to say like open sesame and... Ooh, that's good, Fortune. That's good. That's from the... I'm stealing that from the Magic Castle, but...
yeah where the wall like opens up how would i do that would i have to employ someone you might have to hire jonathan scott and his brother oh yeah to make me a secret i'd like you're like um hey guys i'm looking to have a secret sex dungeon uh yeah i actually meant employ someone to sit there to to wait to see if someone knows the password and open the door oh wow that's um tough to find someone but where did
open sesame come from I want to say Scheherazade and the tale of a thousand and one oh boy and a thousand and one a thousand and one nights right Arabian night it's honestly I have no clue yeah we don't know what you've never heard of that
I think that's where it comes from. Really? Yeah. That's a book? Yeah. It's like a... But where does it come... Why were they like, open sesame? I think it was just the author of those stories came up with it. Yeah, because... Oh, Alibaba, Thomas says. Alibaba. Does that ring a bell? No. Um...
I know this song. Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa. Yes. Do you know that? Strong as ten regular men. Definitely. Something like that. A hundred bad guys with swords. For me.
Remember that? Yeah. Two against one. I can't believe that was a may fact you pulled out of nowhere. Wow. But I didn't really get any of the details right. I wouldn't mind having a fact room in my house instead of a sex room. In a sex dungeon. No, it can be a double. So I chain someone up and then I'm projecting facts onto the wall. And they're like, more facts. Or onto their naked body that's chained to an Ikea chair. Yeah.
There's some horny people listening to this right now. Fortune! Or it's like Clockwork Orange. I glue their eyes open and I make them read facts. What were we talking about?
honey do list honey do list repairs repairs yeah um what's on the you know stephanie and i are wanting to redo our home we also don't have many things on the wall in our home because we're so in the um we're still in that headspace of max and finn being little yes and they were so wild we
We would always see people holding babies on their lap up to like two years old. And we would always be like,
we've never experienced this they were just wriggling around they were always on the go they were into stuff they were up to things they were you know they were just always moving and so we never when we would go on vacation and we'd rent a house thomas i don't know if you remember this when we were uh on uh where were we nantucket nantucket we had we rented a house it
This is when Thomas was our assistant and Max and Finn were two. We rented this house and then we had to take all of the pictures off the walls, took all the lamps out of the room because Max and Finn would jump out of their cribs and just get into everything. Oh my God. Yeah.
And so everything, do you remember that Thomas? We had to take everything out and then also call child protective services, but we also had to bungee cord them into the room. We had to put a bungee cord around the knob. Wow.
To keep the door shut because they would climb out of their cribs. Oh, my God. And we were scared that we wouldn't wake up. Yeah. You're only now being like, okay, we're safe to have, like, any style. Nice things. Yeah, nice things. And we have been for a while, but we've just been in this mindset of, you know, not having certain things within reach. Yeah. So...
So now you can get into it. Yeah, so that's on our honey-do list is redoing our house. My parents are super handy. My dad's really like, he'll build a
deck or like they had this they lived in Greece for like five years and when they bought this place it had no roof and like no running water and they just this is before YouTube how do people just learn stuff they just kind of fixed it all up talk to people and then did I tell you about the like there's this old stone bench that they wanted to get rid of with sledgehammers you know they're renovating in Greece and
And they crack open the bench and inside is a giant albino toad that must have crawled in and started eating. And then it grew so big that it could no longer get out. And it's this white, bulbous, blind...
huge toad that's like inside and they were so gross i know they were repulsed they were like what gross i know and it was like yeah i had crawled in there and just been eating bugs and grown and grown and never seen the sunlight and that's why it was albino yeah i guess it was this white bulbous mass it was too big to move stop saying bulbous stop
it's so gross like we get it it was it was eating in the dark for years yes just stop bulbous it's like a mythical satanic thing disgusting so then they take like a bad omen i know so it wasn't running away because it couldn't so they took a big shovel and they sort of maneuvered it under this toad and they're like i guess we just put it in the
garden you know like let it run away or so they put it out there still there couldn't move so in the morning they go outside an owl has ripped it to pieces why are you telling me i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i even though i think the thing's gross i don't need to know it suffered guess what no longer bulbous
How dare you? I had to burden you with this. This is a vegan podcast. I know. I'm so sorry. It's just that it's in my subconscious so deeply that I needed to burden you guys with this. What a horrible life this toad lived. It got stuck in that thing and then it's just eating bugs in the dark and then gets out. And loses all of its color. And then it gets eaten.
I got a tan. What a horrible existence. You're framing it. That's useful for me to hear because I've been framing it like that was an evil king or something like that, that it was living this, you know. No, it was stuck. Yeah, you're right. Of course. It was stuck. It didn't get to see sunlight. What if you didn't get to see sunlight and you were just stuck eating bugs in the dark until someone let you out to go hop your bulbous...
body out to hop away and then you get eaten. I get ripped. It's like, it's like now that I think about it, there is no God. Yeah. Great life for that frog. Anyway, it really turned me off home renovation. That was the thing. You never know.
You just never know when you're going to find a big old frog. Yeah, I was really passionate about home renovations. Then I found this bulbous toad. Yeah. And I just never went back. You know, it's a lot of work. Every time I think that we want to do some kind of big home renovation thing.
Like buy a chair. Yeah, exactly. What aesthetic are you going for? I know Jax is like a minimalist, but are you going like mid-century modern?
Shaggy chic. I think that's a problem we don't know. Right. I probably need some help with that. Like, are you lesbian futon types where you're like, hey, I was at one point for sure. Wait, is that a thing? What's a lesbian futon type? I don't know. Just like, you know, a lazy boy. I had a recliner. Of course you did. I had a recliner when Jack's movie did. Okay.
She was like, we're getting rid of this immediately. I was like, not my recliner. What are you talking about? Where am I going to sit at the dining room table? Right now, I have a vintage arcade game in our dining room. And Rex is like, why is this here? What game is it? It's an arcade game that has Pac-Man and...
space invaders and donkey kong and dude i will buy that if you're selling it i will i don't want to sell it i'm obsessed like jack's is giving it away but it is it is in the worst place possible it's in the middle of our dining room it looks so crazy i mean i know of a worse place it could be sex dungeon oh yeah that would really kill them yeah sex dungeon for sure yeah
I want a vintage pinball machine. Or imagine if we made a handsome podcast pinball machine. And our faces and our mouths are open. Yeah. And the ball goes through our mouths.
Anyway. Well, I've been to Jonathan Scott's house and he does have, it's like a light up infinity dance floor. What? You know how it's famous that mechanics have like junker cars? Oh, is that true? Yeah. Yeah. If his house was like Ikea. And like a housekeeper has a messy house and then, yeah, he's just got...
nothing on his walls and never got to anything at his own house and you know too busy fixing everyone else yeah i would imagine his house looks pretty nice he seems like it's amazing yeah yeah he's such a good like host as well oh i can't wait to go over there let's go today for the wedding let's all just rock up
Well, should we hear his answer? Yeah. For myself, I have always been a dog dad, love my dogs and have always wanted to have the ease of letting them come in and out as they go. And it's a challenge depending on whatever house you're in. Well, we just finished a renovation here and I've had it for the longest time. Finally, I decided to build a
My puppy, her very own dog has this giant run with artificial turf. It's got a screen out there so she can get all the smells and the nature. But we have bobcats and owls, so she's not a danger of being snatched up. And I even put in all of its own drainage system and sprinkler system so I can automatically clean it all off. And really, it helps me be a better lazy dog owner.
I love that. That's my question. Just wanted to know if you're handsome and handy. None of us clearly are handsome-y. That's so impressive. That's amazing, yeah. I wonder if all three of us are picturing different versions of what he just described. I'm picturing pretty amazing. I'm picturing something kind of low to the ground with like a screen over it. That's more long than wide. I wasn't listening to him. Ha ha ha!
But someone like him has the means to. They've got their guys. They're like, oh, well, he can do it himself. But also it was like, I also know a plumber that can put in the. Yeah, he must know every person to call on every level of expertise and finance. He could find dining room chairs easily. I'd also love to have a little, as they call it, catio. Oh, yeah. What would that be?
Just like a little screened in area for a cat. A caddy was a fun name for it though. Yeah. I would like to learn how to do these things because I feel like it
it makes you like a 50% more desirable spouse, like to have those skills. Like that's kind of why I went to massage school just to, to be more, um, to have more to offer. And then you never massaged again. Yeah. I never massaged again, but I do want to learn how to do stuff. That's cool. Would you put, build Biggie a palace? I would give Biggie whatever he wants. If someone else would build a Jack's.
I know. Put it on the list. Put it on the list. Jax's whole family is handy. Her stepdad is in construction, and I would be like, I feel like this garage needs a hallway because it's so wide, and then all of a sudden there's a wall up. I'm like, what?
He just can do things in two seconds. It's pretty crazy. That's cool. That makes me realize Stephanie and I should get a husband. Yeah, we often want a husband. Mm-hmm.
No shade against lesbians and our skills. Some lesbians are putting walls up too. A husband can also be a lesbian. A her-sban. A her-sban. Basically, we just want someone handy. Well, yeah, we always talk about having a thruple because there's so many things that we can't do that we need. Like somebody that can organize parties well. Gift baskets. Was that one thing? Yeah, gift baskets.
That's right. Yeah. Stephanie's like, we're not good at presents and stuff. We're like, we need someone in our life who like knows like, Oh, I'm going to pick this bottle of wine for so-and-so. We're like, yeah, that would be great. My friend Beth is like the best gift giver. And yeah, would she be, would she be a good option for a third? Yeah.
Well, I mean, of course, yeah. As long as it was, you know, not romantic because Beth and I have known each other since we were small children. So she's married, you know, I'm married. Wait, are you looking for an assistant or a third partner? I feel like whoever this third person is, is going to feel really hoodwinked when they realize what the deal is. I don't know if you're looking for an assistant or...
Or a trupple. What's it called? A thruple. A thruple. More like trouble. Trouble, yes. Yeah, well, I think we need a thruple because sometimes things come up in the middle of the night or, you know what I mean? But, like, this person has to take care of all the difficult things. Yeah. There's some people who would get off on that, like, on the sort of sub-energy of that. Hopefully.
I don't mind it. I'll do it. Free your rent if you'll package this ugly gift Stephanie and I bought. If you can help me order dining room chairs, you got a room in my house.
Go out and live in the sex dungeon and we'll call you when we need something wrapped. I would do. You weirdo. I don't know why. Why did you take this job? This is appealing to me. If it was one day a week, I would do this. No, this is seven days a week, 24-7. Living in the sex dungeon. Apparently they're in a relationship. Yeah.
Yeah, but you live in the sex dungeon. And then we call you in when we need things carried. There is someone for everyone. So there is someone out there that's like, this sounds delightful. Yeah.
Yeah. I'll just sit in my sex swing handcuffed to the Ikea chair until I get a text. Well, there are people I read about who their kink is. So like a woman, a woman will have a phone number and when you call it, it charges you like five dollars a minute. And the kink is people call the woman answers. She's like, hello. And they're like, I love you. And then she goes, oh, God. And then she leaves you on.
And Jazz could do that. Yeah, Jazz could totally do it. And she leaves you on speakerphone while she just goes about her day in her apartment. So you can hear her like washing the dishes. Ignore you. Yeah, and you're just like, please talk to me. And she's ignoring you. And they make thousands of dollars a day. This is amazing. I could do that. Oh my God, you'd be amazing at it too. I wouldn't be good at it. I'd be like, I love you too, pal. How'd you get my number? Yeah.
Tick can make a lot of money. Yeah. Scram. Scram, clown! Well, I think that brings us to the end of this week's episode. Wow, what another treat. I had a wonderful time. Same. Same buns.
Thanks, little Miss Thing. Little Miss Thing, that's right. What is it again? Do you guys have anything coming up? It's going to be St. Paddy's Day. It's going to be. This is my Irish accent. I hope everyone has a great St. Paddy's Day. It's very safe and doesn't drink so much alcohol. Fortune. Do you like that? Yes, I was going to say, please keep going. When is St. Paddy's Day? The 15th?
17th every year it is year it's a seven it's a 17th i just wanted to talk about i have an irish name so that's why i have a great time fortune fortune yeah that was really good can you keep going oh top of the morning till you take a shirt don't tell plenty about my terrible irish accent he's gonna hear
I have some things coming up. I have, speaking of Flanny, I have a show at Largo on March 18th, the day after St. Patty's Day, where you're partying like a cuckoo bird. And my special airs on March 26th on Amazon.
So check that out. And then finally, just go to Tig Notaro dot com for all show and ticket information. And I'm still going to be working on new material around Los Angeles at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter. So come on out. I'm at Largo on March 26th doing my weird sex show with Brett Goldstein. That will be fun. We'll have special guests. We'll be...
Finally, having full penetrative sex at Largo. So come out to that. And then always there's improv shows popping up. So check out my Instagram. Are you going to be handcuffed to Ikea chairs on stage? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. I'm in North Carolina this weekend in Wilmington and Durham. Tickets are available for those. Los Angeles and San Luis Obispo.
The next weekend. And then Albany, New York, Hartford, Connecticut, New York City, Bakersfield, Rancho Mirage, California, Seattle, and Toronto. Finishing out my tour. Tickets are at my website, fortunebeamster.com. So check that out, y'all. And don't forget about our awesome merchandise flying off the shelves today.
flying right off and also if you're enjoying this podcast send an episode to a friend and say hey join the handsome pod yeah join us we're having a good time over here waiting on you some people call it the hot some pod the hot we're also hot oh my god i love that wait what do you mean who calls us the hot some pod i did just now yeah some people are calling us
But yeah, truly spread the word because we love doing it and we're so grateful to everyone listening. And until next time, keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod.
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