Jameela Jamil asks about being an accomplice
55:08 Share

This season, Instacart has your back-to-school. As in, they've got your back-to-school lunch favorites, like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back-to-school supplies, like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow.

Let's face it, we were all that kid. So first call your parents to say I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee for your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 per order. Additional terms apply. This podcast is brought to you by eHarmony, the

the dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. Why doesn't eHarmony allow copy and paste in first messages? Because you are unique, and your conversations should reflect that. eHarmony wants you to find someone who will get you. How are you going to know who gets you? If people send you the same generic conversation starters, they message everyone else. Conversations that actually help you get to know each other. Imagine that. Get who gets you on eHarmony.

Sign up today.

Welcome to Handsome. I am, of course, Mae Martin, and I'm, of course, joined by my most handsome colleagues, Fortune... Oh, you should... You say your own names, right? I'm, of course, Fortune Feimster. And I am, questionably, Tig Notaro.

Hello. Hello. Welcome to Handsome. Yes, welcome back. Oh, and welcome to any new listeners to the Handsome Pod. Yes, I think there are quite a few. I know. Thanks for finding us.

- I haven't seen you guys in so long. I have a lot of questions. - Oh yeah, you missed us? - So much. - Oh, we missed you. - I for sure, for sure look forward to doing this every single time that we do it. - Feels like a warm, handsome hug. - I'm excited that we're doing, well, can we talk about our live show? - Oh yes, yeah. - Oh yeah. - Let's get that out there. - Start big, man. - Big, yeah. - The people wanted this.

Yeah, they asked, we answered. When is it? What day is it? What are we giving them, eh? Oh, I don't know. I don't have any of the details, but I know it's happening. We're doing a live show at Dynasty Typewriter. Yeah, and it will stream all around the world so you can buy tickets for the show, even if you're not in Los Angeles and watch us live and in person. I'm going to wear a suit.

I am too. Then I guess I will too. It's going to be December 18th. We're going to be ringing in the holidays with this lovely live show. We've never done a live show before, but it's going to be really fun. Yes. Oh, I can't wait. I think we should plan something weird. Like, oh, it's a sort of holiday show. We should get like a full children's choir. And a reindeer. And a live reindeer. Yeah.

Can you imagine us trying to wrangle 50 children? Come on, you guys. Put that sucker down. Let's go. Come on. Follow the reindeer. Follow the reindeer. And then there's just some kid looking at me going, is that a man or a woman? And I'm like, okay. And then turning to us as well. Is that a man or a woman?

Wait, is that a man or a woman? And then they get to Thomas. Mustache. Still, is that a man or a woman? It takes us two hours to explain to them that gender's a spectrum and then the show's over.

They're all crying. What a show. And then we ride off on the reindeer. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Because the reindeer we got is low rent and it can't fly. So we just slowly trot off. Let's face it. It's a dog we glued antlers on. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, if you're interested in either A, coming to this show in person on December 18th at Dynasty Typewriter, or if you want to live stream it, you can go to DynastyTypewriter.com for tickets. Wow, nicely done. Also, since we're mentioning exciting things, another, another...

other thing that our listeners demanded and we have delivered we now have merchandise why not right we have merchandise yeah that's pretty exciting but i don't know how they get it fortune to you i'll tell you how they get it wait why don't we morning announcement how they get it

Okay. Hey, everybody. This is your morning announcements. We are very excited to announce that the Handsome Pod has our very first thing of merch coming out. We're going to have a shirt and we're going to have a hat. We're going to have a tote. Everybody loves a tote. You get a lot of things you want to put in there and you can put your hat and your shirt in the tote. You can tote it around. And then we're also going to have some stickers. And you can go to handsomepod.com. Is that what it is? Mm-hmm.

Yes, it is. Everybody loves a tote.

Go to handsomepod.com to look into that merch and get some of yours. Because guess what? You're going to want it because you're going to be real handsome if you wear it. That's right. Get it for your conservative grandparents for Christmas and don't explain it. Just have the three of us, our faces on a t-shirt that grandma's wearing. Ooh, I have a new merchandise idea. What is it? All of our faces on a tote. Yeah? Yeah.

And it says, are they boys or girls? It's just like a conversation starter at the grocery store. Or even just a t-shirt that says, are you a boy or a girl? That would be good. I like that. I was with Stephanie shopping for a suit, actually, for her sister's wedding yesterday. Okay, the majority of my life, I am met with

Hello, sir. How can I help you, sir? Really? Pretty little lady? I was called something. I have never been called and I've never heard anyone called. This woman said to me, Hey there, lady girl. No. Lady girl. No way. Yeah, she worked at the department store and said, Hey there, lady girl. Can I help you? And I was stunned.

Did you feel a shift in your energy? Were you like, well, hello? I truly did not think she was talking to me. I was like, there's no possible way somebody is going to call me lady girl. She thought you were a pretty little lady. A pretty little lady girl. I feel like that reeks of like, it's coming from a place of panic. It's like she... For sure. I need to come out strong with something. Yes. And I'm going, I'm doubling down on this. Listen. Doubling down on this lady girl. Yes, I...

I feel like it was, I didn't know what was walking up to me. And then I realized in the last second that maybe you were female. So I just went with all description. Lady girl. Hey there, lady girl. Female. Lady girl. Woman. Female. Hey there, lady girl. Hey there, lady girl. Oh my gosh. Yes, I'm pretty little lady girl.

Pretty little lady girl. Wow. Yeah. Tig, you've been all over Europe. And then you did your special. Yeah. I mean, there's too much. I was gone for six weeks and one day. And I have to say, when I got home and I got out of the car, my sons and my father-in-law came out. Stephanie was inside doing some Stephanie stuff. And Finn, they both hugged me. Finn held on to me.

for at least one minute and I am not exaggerating. I was just bent over while he was hugging me on the sidewalk and he did not let go and it was the most life-affirming, family-affirming feeling. It was incredible. -That's so cute. -If you do this more often, mommy's going to keep leaving because I like this hug.

I met Max and Finn while you were away. I heard at the Halloween party. At the Halloween party. And let me say, those two are so cute. And so I don't know which of them was dressed like a football player. That would be Finn. That would be Finn. And he was so cute because there was this older kid there also dressed like a football player. And he just kept going and standing near him. Just like kind of standing at his elbow. Just kind of like, oh, here we are. His teammate. Yeah.

Me too. Look down here, buddy. Yeah. That's so cute. If you look down here by your elbow, you'll see me. Were all the kids having a good Halloween? Yeah. I was really into it. It was my first true kid Halloween. There was a blow-up maze where...

Once it got dark and then they were kind of packing up like the party was ending. But there were definitely still kids hiding in the maze and like their parents couldn't find them. And it was, yeah, it was fun. Yeah. Yeah, that was, I think I mentioned previously, that was my first Halloween to miss with Max and Finn. And I did take a picture of Finn's ankles on the way to school today where he still has his Halloween socks on.

I'm telling you, it is year round with these two. So good. I love it. Had you done shows in Europe for that long before? No. In fact, I had before I went to Europe, I went I had some a run in Colorado of shows. Then I did this cancer charity event in Texas. Then I went to Europe again.

Then I came back. I did some shows in the Midwest and then the East Coast just to kind of get myself completely as ready as possible for my special in Brooklyn. How did it go? It was really fun. It was a good time and it was...

Oh, Lordy. Just I was thrilled to be finished with that. Because I was originally supposed to tape my special in June. And then I moved it to November out of solidarity for the strike. So we had to pack in all these extra shows, practice day. Yeah, to get me still ready to go.

and it was a long haul to go from june to november to add all of those extra shows and keep it

it fresh and like yeah yeah I felt like I showed up ready to go and so I'm excited Stephanie is the director and we get the first cut in I don't know like four days so oh wow I saw the romantic flowers you sent to Stephanie in preparation for filming and you said don't screw this up that's correct so far so good don't

Don't screw this up, Dyke. Nice. I had it delivered to the green room at the theater and she saw them arrive and I was still at our hotel getting ready and she was like, oh, that's so nice. Somebody's going to take flowers.

And then she said she sat there and like 40 minutes go by and she was and she thought, this look a lot like the type of flowers Tig sends me. And she just went over and looked and it was in fact from me to her.

That's funny. You have a go-to flower order? Well, she does love white roses. A classic. Classic. White roses is the little card that says, okay, Dyke. Yeah. On our anniversary a couple of years ago, I sent her flowers with the card that said something like, here's to eight miserable years or something. I don't know. Yeah.

Wait, this, I was very thrilled because when you were in London, you needed a haircut and you were texting me for recommendations. And the woman who cuts my hair is such an icon in my life, but she was way on the other side of the city from you, I think. Oh, it took me like an hour by Uber to get to her. It was more, I paid more for the Uber than the haircut. Oh, she's, she's super cheap and she's incredible. She, um, I,

I love Debbie and she was a real lifeline for me in the pandemic. Like I would, I would go to her garden and she would cut my hair and she'd go, hello, May. How are you? Hello, May. Yeah. She's such a character. She like, she always says that she trained with Vidal Sassoon, but she'll whisper the name Vidal Sassoon. Like it's, she'll go, well, you know, I trained with Vidal Sassoon. If you say his name too many times, he appears. Exactly. Yeah.

So how is she? She is so great. I loved her immediately. And I was also horrified because she also couldn't believe you didn't tell me this, that she only takes cash. And so I show up, I get my hair cut and I pick out some hair product and I'm standing at the counter. She's like, oh, I only take cash. May didn't tell you this?

And I was like, no. And how horrifying because I only had credit cards. And so I gave her I had off your exchange. But I just said, here is, you know, if you want, here's my here's my swatch. No, I offered her tickets to my show in London. And so she wanted those. And I said, and then come backstage and I'll have cash for you.

And so I had the tour manager go get cash because I just didn't even know where. And so she went out and found the cash. And then Debbie came backstage and then refused to take my cash. Oh, Debbie. Yeah. Debbie. I think she kind of saw me as like a little orphan child. Are you not? Weirdly, no. She'd always go. She was shocked to find out I'd never been to a Costco. Wow.

have you not been Costco? And I go, no, I've never been. And she'd always say, when I get my car cleaned, I'm going to take you around Costco. And I guess she never got her car cleaned, I guess, because we never went. I didn't know there was Costco in London. Yeah, they're in Canada as well. Yeah, all over the Commonwealth. I love that May didn't tell you that she only takes cash, but May did tell you about the history of haircuts and where it originated. Yeah.

Well, I did. I not did, but I love Debbie. I just really enjoyed her. And after she cut my hair, she hugged me and said, I feel like I've known you my whole life. I know. There's something about her. I gave her a hug when I was leaving England and we both burst into tears. I was like, I was not expecting it. She's a good hugger. And she used to make me laugh because I'd go in.

And she'd go, hello, Alex. And then she'd be cutting my hair in like 20 minutes would go by and she'd go, did I just call you Alex about 20 minutes ago? And I go, yeah, yeah. And she'd go, ah, you look like my nephew. Hello, Alex. How old is she? I'm trying to picture Debbie. 91? No, no, like...

50 maybe? Benjamin Buttons. Yeah, 45, 50. If you're a homeowner who doesn't want to deal with switching your home insurance, we understand. Switching can feel like a lot of work. That's why Allstate is dedicated to making finding a lower home insurance rate as easy and simple as possible.

Check Allstate first and you could save $574 on your home insurance. You're in good hands with Allstate. Not available in every state. Based on the national average annual savings for new home insurance customers surveyed in 2023 who switched to Allstate and reported savings. Savings vary. Is it just me or has TV gotten really complicated?

I'm either endlessly searching for my favorite shows or I'm subscribing to like a dozen different streaming services to make sure I can watch everything that I love. Thankfully, Philo has changed all of that for me. One service, all the stuff I need. Philo's got current seasons of the shows I can't miss live on networks like A&E, MTV, Discovery, and TLC. Classics like The Office, Martin, and Friends. I never get sick of those. And all of the incredible originals on AMC+.

from Mad Men to Orphan Black. And don't forget their library of more than 75,000 movies and shows, all of which I can save and rewatch anytime for a whole year. Never miss a minute of shows like my favorite, Golden Girls and Friends. Best of all, with Philo, you get all this for just $28 a month. No contracts,

no hassles, just one subscription and a world of entertainment. So go to philo.tv and check it out for a free seven day trial. That's philo.tv to start watching.

Oh, I did not picture that. I was picturing like a 65-year-old with that voice. No, she's, that means Sprightly. You've never been to Costco. I mean, that's kind of, you know, doesn't sound like a 45-year-old. Ain't you been to Costco? Have you ever been to Costco, Willow? Someone's going to get that Willow reference. Where do you get your porridge?

You never saw the movie Willow? I did, but I did not get that. Willow is that old woman that turns into a goat. Turns into a goat? Doesn't she turn into a goat? We need to watch it. She gets cursed and turns into a goat. Someone turns into a goat, guys.

All I remember is watching that while my parents were at a New Year's Eve party and all the kids were in the basement. We watched Willow and this guy, Raphael, had stolen vodka. So you saw it and you don't recall a goat? I don't recall a woman turning into a goat going, well, you were drinking vodka. I could be wrong. This could be a May fact. I swore that she, because she was old and she started to sound like a goat. Oh, fortune. But she still kind of sounded like an old woman. Nobody cares.

But also that sounds like a goat. We don't really have to get to the bottom of the matter. Dig!

There are some Willow stans out there. Honestly, when you said Willow, I was thinking of Willow Smith. Oh, I was thinking of the song by Joan Armatrading. Yeah, we all split off in separate directions. I'm glad we've gotten on the same page. How talented is Willow, by the way? Which one? The goat or the song or Will Smith's daughter?

She's a guitar player and singer. And she sings? Yeah. She's really talented. It's so funny, the people that you know and the people you don't know. I know. That is a random person for you, Tig. It's so random. I would not typically know, but somebody told me she was just a really, really good guitar player. And I was so interested to see that because I play a little bit of guitar. And drums, right? And a little bit of drums. And drums.

And so I went and checked out her page on Instagram. And then I started following her. And I'm always pleasantly surprised whenever she pops up and is like, you know, ripping on her guitar. You're number one fan over there. I don't know anything she sings. Yeah.

Well, she whipped her hair around that. I whipped my hair back and forth. I've been playing a lot of guitar with, well, I don't know if you can see, I'm in a bedroom. So I've sort of half moved in with the old GF and this five-year-old. So I'm doing a lot of like playing the guitar and the three of us the other night started a band and

And so the five-year-old was improvising the lyrics and it was a really deep song. It was called Where Does the River End? Oh, that is deep. It was really deep. No one knows. And she really directs like, and then you sing this and you sing this. Yeah, Where Does the River End? We never found out. Well, you know, Max wrote a song when the family was watching the Super Bowl in

And my family gets very into sports and cheering and what have you. And Max plays sports, but he's not as into watching them. Whereas Finn plays sports and he loves watching them. So in the middle of the Super Bowl, Max says, I just wrote a song and I was wondering if I could sing it.

The Super Bowl gets paused. Oh, the Super Bowl gets paused. That's a big deal in your house. It is. And then the song starts and he's like, we don't know how the world works. We don't know how we were born. We don't know if we were born.

And it just, it's like this monotone intense song of like, where did I come from? Wow. Like Leonard Cohen style. That's deep. Yeah. I want like a real...

We got here. Yeah, I want to take the actual audio of him singing. Oh, and everybody clapped and cheered, and then he sat back down, and then the Super Bowl went back on. And that was that. But it couldn't wait. Yeah.

You gotta remix that song. He's gonna be doing a one-man show one day and be like, there was a pivotal moment in my childhood where I expressed all of my feelings. He's doing a one-man show every day. It is insane. Stephanie was asking him the other day if he was interested in dancing Fred Astaire, putting on a suit and a top hat. And he was like...

ballroom not really but I do like how they dance on Charlie Brown and then he just started dancing around like you know how the kids dance at the party

Who cares? Look it up. But I want to take his original audio and have a really talented musician put music to it and make it an actual song. Can you send it to me? Can I try? Yes. Okay. I would love to try. That does seem like something you would write, Mae. Well...

-What about-- -Like a deep meaningful song. -Thank you. -How did I get here? -Yes. -I'm really honored by that. -You're really thinking about these big life things. -With a dollhouse behind you. -Yes. -On this Zoom. -Yes.

I am thinking a lot these days. You're a deep thinker, right? I mean, it's I'm just desperately trying to hold on to like positive things at this moment in time. And I was in the Uber the other day with this Uber driver who was I mean, we were both just being like the world's fucked and getting really heavy and talking about everything. And and then at the end of the drive, he goes, do you want a cookie? And I went, yeah, why?

What do you mean? And he pulls out this paper bag with this like giant cookie from a really fancy bakery. And he was like, I just drove all the way to Larchmont to get that, but I want to give it to you. And I was like, no, I couldn't possibly accept. And he was like, no, this is what we should do. Like we can't control anything. That's so nice. I know. Yeah. But he kept saying like,

well there's nothing you can do and i was like well you could you can vote and like do stuff some stuff but anyway then he gave me this delicious cookie and i did think that's the good stuff in life you know that is the good and was the cookie good oh my god i need to it was from like i imagine it's that levain levain yeah how do you know that they're just ginormous cookies oh and once it went in on larchmont there was a

just an obnoxiously long line for like a week but oh man it was like oh like molasses almost and raisins and oats and honey and but more importantly how's it going moving in with gf and kid five-year-old oh man i'm loving it i'm like i i just it's the whole other side of me has been on friday night pizza it's like a sleepover right yes at 5 a.m i'm up i'm drawing pictures i'm

I'm singing songs. I'm off my phone. I'm just having a blast. It's so ridiculously cute. So nothing's changed. Yeah. So pretty much business as usual. The party palace in Silver Lake is empty right now. The party palace is still there. And yeah. Dude, got to keep your party palace. I got one too. Yeah.

Don't get rid of that party palace, Mae. Don't do it, dude. Don't get rid of your party palace.

Well, should we get into our question? Let's do it. Yes, I'm excited. Our question is from Jamila Jamil, who we all know. Have you got? I've met. Yeah, she's great. I've met Jamila. Yes, I know she was at your birthday party, I think. Yeah, she came and partied with her dog. Yeah. Jamila is the best. She's an actress, an activist, a podcast host.

Of course, you know her as Tahani from The Good Place. And her podcast, I Weigh, is so good. Also, I've known Jamila since London, like maybe 15 years now or something. That's where y'all met? Yeah. She also has another podcast, Bad Dates. Oh, yes, which is huge. I've done that one, yeah. But no, she's a very hilarious human being. Let's see what she asked. Okay. Hello, handsome pod. It's Jamila Jamil. And my question for you is...

genuinely genuinely would you ever like genuinely help a friend dispose of a body of someone that they had killed either accidentally or on purpose and if so how close would that friend have to be what are your stipulations that's my question

oh my god i love listening to jamila's voice i'm like i would help her move a body she sounds like a spy she sounds like a like a cool spy i'm like yeah let's do it she does actually yeah sound like double o double o jamila yeah like uh like we gotta do this someone like that yeah you're like absolutely

This pose of a body. I know. Oh, God. I mean, it feels like you should just immediately say no, but I'm thinking about it. And I'm thinking, of course, there are situations where I might. Is that fucked up? Let's hear the situation. Yeah, let's hear it. In what world do you think? Oh, man. Like, yeah, we got to do this. I think I'm your guy to come to if...

Oh, okay. She said if it could be accidental. Yeah. Look, I don't know that the prison system like reforms people or is rehabilitative in any way or is good for the world. So if let's say a young person, let's say a teenager or something comes to me and says, I was making eggs. I whacked my grandma. But like any teenager? Just any teenager? I don't know. Just like a young person who accidentally... Okay.

You've already cracked this door, so walk us through. Yeah, yeah, walk us through. You're making eggs. You whack your grandmother in the head with a spatula. Maybe like a frying pan or like if it's a true accident. That doesn't feel like an accident. Also, I've never ever, ever, no matter what I'm cooking, raised a frying pan before.

In a way that... What if you're flipping a pancake and you just go too hard? My grandma walked into that front van.

Her bad. Okay. She's dead. When she walks into the frying pan, does it become like a cartoon where the frying pan completely flattens out her face in the exact circle of a frying pan? Yes. And the police are taking notes going, okay, okay, uh-huh. So Nana walks in. You're flipping a pancake. Okay.

I think I would. I mean, I'm having second thoughts now about helping a stranger. No, it's too late. Well, yeah, it is weird that you wanted to help just any teenager. Well, I feel like any teenager represents you as a child. That you at times needed help as a teenager and you maybe made some mistakes.

You didn't mean to do it and you needed help. That's my interpretation. - Whoa. - Yeah, I think that's really, that's probably it. Yeah, I'm like-- - Yeah, I stunned you. I saw your face, you looked stunned. - I went speechless, yeah, because yeah, I just hate the idea of someone spending the rest of their life in jail 'cause of an accident.

However, look, now I'm thinking about the family of the deceased and I wouldn't bury the person though. I'm going to dissolve in acid or something, I think. Oh, wow. Wow. I thought we were backtracking from helping, but we just went to a different type of disposal. Well, I don't want to get caught. Well, here's the thing. Well, you're gonna. If

it's truly an accident, you'd just call the police and be like, Grandma walked into a frying pan. You're right. You're right. So there's something shady going on. Remember that Christmas song, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer? No. Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Okay, Grandma walked into a frying pan. Going home from our house Christmas Eve.

is the new song. Yeah, maybe that song didn't reach Canada, but it was an unusually big hit. Really? In the States. Grandma got run over by a reindeer going home from our house Christmas Eve. You might say it. You might think, what is it? You might say it's something, but me and grandma, we believe. There's something we're missing. No, no, we nailed it. We didn't miss a thing. Exactly.

Nothing missing. What do you mean? Maybe uproarious applause. So if I came to you guys and I said, I fucked up. I killed someone. I killed Nana with a frying pan. I'd say, I'd say, Mae, I hope they have podcast equipment in prison.

I am a puss. I cannot be helping someone dispose of a body. No. I would not be able to sleep. Especially a stranger. Excuse me. Okay.

- I don't know why I went to stranger first. - We figured out why you did. - Yeah, you're right. - But yeah, my go-to might be maybe call Thomas. - Oh yeah, Thomas is pretty handy. - You're burdening Thomas with this immediately. So you mean if you accidentally killed someone, you'd call Thomas right away? - Well, no, if you reach out to me asking me to hide a body with you, I'd be like,

I can't do that. Maybe call Thomas, see what he says. But it is a bummer when somebody brings a person into it that has nothing to do with it because then you're an accessory to murder. That's a real bummer. Like, for instance, Jack Kerouac helped Lucien Carr dispose of the knife that he stabbed David Kammerer with. May fact. May fact.

Next time you're shopping for snacks and you're craving something crunchy and satisfying, ditch the bag of chips and grab wonderful pistachios, no shells. Your body and your taste buds will thank us. I love pistachios, my friends. They're the perfect snack, whether you're having a busy day or relaxing with friends.

Wonderful pistachios, no shells flavors, come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted, honey roasted, sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue, sea salt and pepper, and the new addition, jalapeno lime, with the same great taste and health benefits as traditional pistachios.

No shells flavors make snacking a breeze. I too, Tig, am a big fan of pistachios. They're such a perfect snack. As soon as I got to Toronto, the first thing I bought was wonderful pistachios. And I love that you don't have to deal with those shells because pistachios

Listen, I'll dig into a shell for pistachio, but this is just so easy. Pop them in your mouth. I take them on trips. They are so good. So visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more. That's wonderfulpistachios.com. Okay, it's time to commit. 2024 is the year for prioritizing yourself. Begin your new smile journey with Bite, and you could start seeing results in just two to three weeks.

Just order your at-home impression kit today for only $14.95 at Byte.com. Byte clear liners are doctor-directed and delivered to your door. Treatment costs thousands less than braces, plus they offer financing options, accept eligible insurance, and you can pay with your HSA, FSA. Get 80% off your impression kit when you use code WONDERY at Byte.com. That's B-Y-T-E dot com. Start your confidence journey today with Byte.

We need to get an actual song or noise. Oh man, don't get me started on this. Lucien Carr, David Cameron murder. It's fascinating, the shades of it. But yeah, Lucien Carr was this kind of wild young beat poet. And there was this older guy, David Cameron, who would kind of hang around. He was like,

he was sort of stalking lucien car but there were it's like we're real quick though let's really stay focused on the fact that may has a dollhouse in the background while talking about this go on may i'm not in my own room i should assert again this is a child this is not where i normally speak of murders okay continue

So Lucien Carr one morning shows up at Jack Kerouac's house and says, last night, David tried to hook up with me and we were walking by the river and I stabbed him with my Boy Scout knife and I weighted his body down and put it in the river. And Jack Kerouac helps him dispose of the knife and then they go to watch a movie and then Jack says, you got to turn yourself in. But he ended up

and William S. Burroughs I think they were both accessories to murder but because Lucien Carr was like oh he was gay and he tried to hook up with me he like didn't spend any time in prison really no one got in trouble no but it's a very interesting story I never heard that anyway you've never heard of gay people being treated terribly I've never no I've never heard of that I'm unaware of this everything's been a walk in the park what was that accent

I don't know. It's been a walk in the park. It's been a walk in the park. That sounds like the voice in the song Thriller. What is it? The graveyard. Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Mayor, are you a crime person? Do you like to learn?

Learn about murders and stuff? Yeah, I'm a true crime. Great question, Fortune. Thank you. Thanks for asking. Yeah, great question. Yeah. And then I wonder, does all this obsession with true crime, does that make people get away with more murder? Because you know how to do it. Like I know. Like they learn things. Yeah, I know about the acid, don't I? Don't you feel like most people these days are getting caught? Or is that a myth? Yeah, I hope so. I mean. It was my understanding that most crimes like that, you get away with. Really? Yeah.

I mean, that's a tick fact for you. But, I mean, I don't know. I haven't learned much about acid crimes or other crimes. The tick fact is, like, I'm just saying something and we're not sure. Hey, I'm...

I always say to Stephanie, I'm like, look, I'm very unreliable. I don't know what I'm talking about, but that's what I think. Or maybe I heard, but I'm likely wrong. It just feels like a cell phone's always pinging your location, right? And they're like, well, we know that you were near. You don't bring your phone. You do not bring your phone. Here is something I just got completely in touch with. No offense, Fortune. I hate the word pinging.

When somebody says, hey, ping me, or I pinged you. I'm like, what? That is not what I expected you to say. What were you expecting? I don't know that I've, I don't think about the word ping ever.

Well, I don't either until somebody says it and then I'm like, oh, I hate that word. I'm just picturing you watching a gruesome crime documentary just describing the most horrific murder and you're not even batting an eyelid. And then they go, and the cell phone tower pinged and you're like, oh, God. But that is the word. Yeah, that is the word. I know it's the word, but I hate the word. You also hate panties. Maybe you don't like P words. Yeah.

Ping me in the panties. Ping me in the panties. I pinged her in the panties. Yeah, I just never think of the word ping.

Unless it is involved a cell phone tower and usually that's involved with murder. Okay, but when somebody says to you, hey, ping me or I'll ping them later. I don't say that. No one's saying that to me. But you've not heard somebody say that? Yeah, I guess I've heard. No, not in that context. Okay, well. They say text me, call me. I guess that's all I'm asking. Just use the actual word.

Call me, text me. Don't say I'll ping you later. I don't like when people say, give me a bell. I've never heard that. I don't hear it. I've never heard that. You know, give me a bell later. It's like your holly bobs word is in question. A couple of people wrote on our handsome Instagram page, no one uses holly bobs.

Oh, there was a lot of uproar also about my fact about the aardvark or the armadillo. With Alf. I don't know. I got the Alf thing. You ignore it and you just keep giving the facts. Just keep giving those facts. Yeah, Mayfact is a Mayfact and it is taken as is. Ooh, this segment should be called Just the Facts, Mame. Sorry? What's Mame? As like ma'am.

But you know when a police officer says, just the facts, ma'am. No, I did not get that. I've never heard that either. Oh boy, we are not connecting. Nobody's heard of anything that the other person has said. I know. It started with Willow and it went downhill from there. I blame myself. Ping, give me a bell, and just the facts, ma'am.

But that's all right. Part of being handsome is bringing our minds together and learning from each other. Yeah, that's one of the 10 handsome rules. And we have to come up with the other nine. Yeah. Number 10 is bring our minds together. If our listeners could just write in and tell us what the other nine handsome commandments are, we'll put it on the list. Well, number one is must be handsome. Yes. Yes. And then number two...

is whatever we just said. We need two through nine. What was ten?

10 is 10 was what we just said. Bring our minds together. Bring our minds together. Okay. Because we come from different places, different perspectives, and we bring them together. That's right. And learn. I have a thing about a bell, which is, sorry, I know we've moved on from give me a bell, but, you know. We've even moved on from Jamila's questions.

I know, I know. We'll get back to it. We'll get back to it. In the olden days, they used to bury people with a string attached to their finger and that connected to a bell. So if they were accidentally buried alive, they could ding a little. So maybe that's where gimme a bell comes from. I have heard that, weirdly enough. Didn't know that was where gimme a bell came from. But this may fact...

- Is correct. - Yeah, and I'm just guessing about where that phrase came from. - So when you're asking someone to give you a call, you're basically saying, "Hey, if I'm buried alive." - Then give me something to jiggle so you can dig me up again. - I see. - So basically you're saying you're in a grave. - Your entire family is above ground mourning you and you're alive.

I'm gonna need you to give that bell a little jingle jangle. - Would love to hear from you. - Do you know where the phrase, "Give me a break" comes from? - Kit Kat? - Yeah! - No. ♪ Give me a break, give me a break ♪ ♪ Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar ♪ It doesn't come from that, but it's just fun.

This also means that Mae and I are now connected. Tig, get on board. Wait, I have a question related to Jamila's question, which is, would you... Why would we go back to our question? We're so far down the road. Okay. I mean, the question was, for any friend, would you help them dispose of their body? That's true. But like, for people in your... Like, would you do it for Stephanie or Jax?

Because you want your life with that person so selfishly you're like, or would you be like, all right, yeah. If it's Jax, I think I got to, she's the boss of me. She's the boss of all of us. Yeah. You got to dump that body in that hole, Fortune. Yeah, if Jax is asking, I don't think I can get out of this one. Yeah.

Yeah. She'd be the only exception. But I have kids. Oh, yeah. So you guys have to have one parent around. Yeah. They got to go to and from school and get to birthday parties on the weekends. And, you know, I can't leave them with either of you. This is true. I got this room now with the dollhouse. Yeah. I don't know how to handle a kid. I'm like, you guys like salads? I don't know. You guys like salads? What kids eat? What?

My kids eat salads. Oh, yeah, they're vegan. Yes. That's why I said that. Oh, thanks. You're welcome. So Stephanie comes up to you and says, I got so mad I killed May. What should I do? Yeah, what do you do? She goes, I got to get rid of the body. I would just say call Alanna.

Oh, Alana. Yeah. Morissette? Alana. Who we improvise with? May and Stephanie do improv with. Alana seems like she'd get down to business and do what needed to happen. You keep wanting to bring other people into this. Well, I got, because I got kids. I can't, I can't. I would sit down with Stephanie and be like, you gotta, if this is an accident, you, you, people will understand, you know, I've seen you. It's not.

Because it wasn't. Then I would take my babies and run. Yeah. If I find out my wife is purposefully killing people, I would take my children and leave. I don't know that I could sleep there.

That is a good point. And then if she did this accidentally, I would encourage her to, I would testify that she is a lunatic in the kitchen and that, yeah, anyone could go down with a frying pan. With a frying pan. I think that in court, a kind of legally valid defense should be Jax told me to do it.

I would love just, oh, she told me to. What else could I do? Isn't the law that you can't testify against your spouse or something like that? Is that a thing? I thought I saw that in a law and order. Let's ask May. No, I'm going to say, of course, you can testify against your spouse, right? No, I'm saying you don't have to. They can't force you to. Well, this is where I love to say in life, there's just no way to know. There's no way to know.

couldn't possibly ask or google or i mean if may doesn't know how would we possibly get to the bottom of this i would not do this for anyone uh but i feel like with jack she'd probably be like you better do this and i'd be like yes ma'am you go just the facts ma'am

But I really don't want to go to prison. Really? Since when? I just decided. I really don't want this. I'm a delicate flower. What a crazy day if we woke up learning that fortune is in prison. Or life.

for a whole lot god don't jinx me jinx you owe me a coke no no i would come and visit but i would i would be one of those people though that was like all right let's make the most of this in prison maybe start teaching people improv oh my god you would be teaching improv you'd be singing yeah improvisational murder scenes i lived in spain for a year and i taught kids in real life

Well, technically I was supposed to teach them English. Technically. But I'm not a great teacher and they could tell that I was fun. And they were like, we don't want to learn English. What else you got? And I was like, I guess, yes and. Let's do some improv. Zip, zap, zap. So we were doing these fun games every week. And then right before I left Spain, the family informed me that the five-year-old had failed English. Oh my gosh.

And I said, ooh, ah, oh, I have to go. What is Zip Zap Zop? It's like an improv game where you pass the, should we try it? It's like zap, zap, zap. You pass it around. That's supposed to explain what it is? It's a game.

It's a warm-up game. Yeah. To kind of get everybody in sync. We should have probably done it before our podcast. Mm-hmm. Where we... It's harder on Zoom because you don't know who I'm passing it to. You have to make eye contact. Mm-hmm. And give it a... Still don't know what's happening. It's just that you're in a circle. It's a circle.

So you're in a circle and I'm here, right, Tig? And I look at you in the eye and I go zip and I send you that zip. But what is the zip? Okay, I'm like a handful of zips. It's just a phrase. I'm sending you energy. Actually, you know what? Alana Johnston and Mo Welch and Beth Stelling have zip zap zap tattoos. Wow. So that's commitment to improv. That really is. When you get that zip, Tig, then you say zap. Zap.

to Mae. And then Mae says zop to who? Yeah, Mae sends that zop to whoever Mae wants. Boy, who came up with that? And how amazed are they that everybody is zip zap zopping now? I'm shocked that that five-year-old failed English when they were playing zip zap zop. I know. I was like, let's pretend to be tigers. And they were like, El Tigre? I said, tiger. So I was teaching English. El Tigre? No, no, no, no.

Tiger. Tiger. In my defense, the little boy, because he was having so much fun, he didn't tell me he had homework and tests every week because he was like, oh, this is playtime.

I don't want to deal with this homework and studying. So I had no idea he was doing this stuff. I thought they wanted me to teach him English just to get ahead. But instead, zip, zap, zap. I think that you would thrive in prison teaching zip, zap, zap. To bring it back to you in prison. Yeah. I would come and visit and...

-Would we record the pod? -Oh, yes. -I would hope so. I'd really want to keep this going. -We would change the name to The Clink. -Yes. -The handsome clink. -Or that cheers sound effect would be-- -I don't know how this ended up with me in prison. -Because you would thrive.

We realized you would do... Because you were immediately so positive, like, oh, I'd just start teaching. That's because it's one of those when in Rome situations. When in prison in Rome. But the food would vote me out. Like, the one thing I look forward to in life is food. Well, maybe in Rome it would be better. I don't think I would be excited about it. Maybe the food in the Rome prison would be delicious pasta. Ooh, go to prison and find out. Yeah. No! Okay. Would you spend a year in prison for...

$20 million. Whoa. Might as well. There's certain, you know, moments in life and where it's like, well, yeah, like I sometimes do fantasize about being institutionalized in some way. Not only because like,

you don't have to get back respond to anybody you just just the relief from you can do that without a vacation yeah you don't have to be institutionalized and i would turn tax i'd love to be here in a straight jacket phone down maze in a straight jacket and isolation like i just wanted a few hours away from my phone

And then I can't get out. I can't convince them I'm sane. I'm like, oh my gosh, fortune's in prison. May's in a mental institution in a straitjacket. Where are you, Tig? Just taking Max and Finn to and from school. Because apparently Stephanie's a serial killer. Good thing we found out.

And then Thomas has been an accessory to murder because he helps hide the body. God. Well, should we hear what Jamila had to say? Yeah, let's hear what Jamila had to say. She'd hide a body. My answer is that I believe I would.

I knew it. For a really close friend, a best friend, I'm so down to help someone avoid jail that I would totally help them bury a body. And I feel that with such conviction that I'm actually genuinely nervous saying it on such a big podcast. Well done on going to number one, by the way. Because then what if the police are listening and then one day I'm connected loosely even to the burying of a body, to the obstruction of justice. Yeah.

what if the police hear this on this massive podcast? And then they'll know for sure it was me. I'm genuinely, I'm sweating just thinking about it. But I'm so into the idea, not because I have like a weird creepy fetish for dead bodies. I really actually can't stand the thought. But...

I really enjoy the kind of Sopranos level loyalty behind the idea of being willing to do that for a friend that I love to the point where when I'm thinking about the friends that I love the most, my marker of how much I love them is if I would risk it all and help them cover up the worst crimes.

And May, if you're wondering, yes, I will 100% help you bury any dead body that you bring to me. But please let's not do that.

Love you. Bye. Oh, wow. What a friend. But I also have to say, couldn't we measure this just simply by, hey, would you take me to the airport in the middle of rush hour traffic? Right. You think it's an extreme barometer. It's a little extreme. But you know what I have to say to that? What? That's what friends are for. Grandma got run over by a reindeer. In good times and bad times.

I'll be on your side forevermore. That's what friends are for. Keep shining. Keep shining. That's what this podcast got to the bottom of. Friendship. Nothing. As soon as Jamila started talking, I was like, would she help me? And do I qualify for that upper tier level? And I think I probably would help Jamila as well. But also because I think she's really smart and wouldn't get caught. Wait, probably? Probably.

So she would for sure for you and you would probably do it for her. Good catch, Tig. Good catch, Tig. I just want to know all the circumstances. But no, I think I would because she's very clever and I think it's unlikely that she'd let us get caught. I think I have to take that song back. Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Running over our house Christmas Eve.

We still don't know the rest of it. I love that. No need. She wasn't even like weighing it up. She was like, I'm thrilled at the thought of it. She didn't even weigh it up and her podcast is called I weigh. Exactly. I mean, it makes no sense. I want to listen to her podcast now because her voice is delightful. So delightful. She's actually a great singer as well. Oh, yeah, of course. Maybe she and I should do a friend's

We should have her on our live show in the choir, but it's like a reveal because it's all kids. It's all kids. We have a choir? Yeah, we're having a children's choir. We have a choir to choir? Remember for our live show on December 18th at Dynasty Typewriter that

everyone in Los Angeles is going to come to and other people are going to stream. All around the world you can buy tickets and see May, Fortune, and Tig live! I can't wait. And handsome. In suits! Go to DynastyTypeWriter.com for those tickets.

And don't forget, we got merch coming. That's a different website. That's handsomepod.com. Get your merch, y'all. The holidays are coming. This is the time to be handsome. Yeah, you've got to get your orders in, okay? All you handsomes and pretty little ladies out there, you want to get your stuff. And get your stuff for your family and friends, too. Also, if you like this episode or any other episode, send the episode back.

to a friend and say check this out yes and ask that friend would you help me bury a body yes and absolutely if they respond affirmatively then you know they're you've got to send them the pod because they're a true friend and if you like our podcast give us uh a good five star remember when i was writing a review remember when i was like or four you know i'd take a four

No fours out. We're fivers. Five across the board. But we do appreciate everybody who has been listening. Actually, yes. And that reminds me that I want to post. I was doing a Largo show and somebody sent backstage this incredible artwork that they had done for like a handsome podcast, like illustrated book almost. It was so cool. And I forgot to post it and I don't know their name or anything, but I'm going to post it because it was so cool.

Cool. There's been a lot of really cool art coming from our episodes from some really talented listeners. Incredible feedback. Just running into people left and right that are listening to this show. It just blows my mind. Me too. And I have to say...

When I was getting ready for my taping in Vermont and I was in this tiny, tiny club, it was so tiny. I mean, people sit basically sitting on stage with me and I mentioned, hey, make sure to check out Handsome. These big, burly, bearded men, Vermont men were like, Handsome. And I said, sir, do you listen to Handsome? Yes. Love it.

- I love it. - Amazing. - No way. - It really tickled me beyond belief. - Oh, that's the best. - My best friend called me like shocked. She was like, "I love this podcast." - Shocked? - Yeah, 'cause like, you know, I'm always doing a gazillion things and she's just like, "Have fun out there."

And she was like, and she texts me about it now every week. Like, she loves it. That's amazing. It's cool because, you know, your friends just kind of go, oh, yeah, here's another comedy thing Fortune's doing. And just to be honest, I am Fortune's best friend. It is Tig writing me.

Well, you guys are awesome. We appreciate everybody. We hope everyone has a great week. You guys have, we got to promote stuff because we want you to come see some more funnies. Yes, we do. Please. Yeah. Tig, do you have anything? I do. I'm going to be at Largo in Los Angeles on December 6th.

I'll also be in College Park, Maryland, January 26th, Waterville, Maine, March 9th, and cannot express enough how you should get your tickets online.

to see our live show. Anything for you, Mae? I've got improv on the 21st at UCB. I got improv at Dynasty Typewriter on the 29th with Stephanie Allen and Elena, and that's going to be live streamed as well all over the globe. And then I'm at Largo December 2nd and 11th

11th with very special guests. Nice. I just announced a ton of new dates for the next leg of my tour. After Thanksgiving, I got Grand Rapids and Royal Oak, Michigan, Kansas City, Missouri. After Christmas, St. Petersburg, Orlando, Jacksonville, and West Palm Beach, Florida. And then I just added tons of new dates.

like DC, Eugene, coming to London and Amsterdam out there in Europe. I added a second show in Denver, Colorado, Philadelphia, Wisconsin, all these places. And you can go to fortunefeimster.com for tickets. Well, as always...

Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod.