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Hey, handsome listeners. We're very excited to announce a handsome live show on Monday, February 12th that you can stream from anywhere in the world. Our first show was so much fun that we're doing it again and we'll be taking your guys' questions.
Plus, we're going to have a bunch of surprises and maybe a special guest or two. So get tickets at DynastyTypeWriter.com now and join us. Again, it's February 12th. Your link will last all week and you can get tickets at DynastyTypeWriter.com. Handsome Pod. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Cheers!
Welcome to another episode of Handsome! It's your gal Fortune, and I'm joined by your guy Mae. And Tig. Tig Notaro! Boom, boom, boom! Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, folks. How are you guys? Doing well. Just popped down into the kitchen. Mr. Thomas is over at the house. We were...
Having some food, chatting with my little roommates. Yeah, so nothing too exciting, just relaxing.
Run of the mill at home business. I'm not at the place with the woman I'm heavily involved with and her child. I'm at my little bachelor pad in silver. Like that's kind of like an office now. And I just I'm doing like very like I'm having a nice tea. And then I was just watching a very crazy true crime doc about it.
a guy who admitted to killing these people, his girlfriend's parents. And then he's like, actually, guys, I didn't do it. My girlfriend did it. And she told me to say that I did it. And then now I'm like, maybe he's telling the truth. Wow. That's quite a twist. Why would the girlfriend tell him? Obviously, she doesn't want to get in trouble. But why? I don't even understand. Like if Stephanie killed somebody and said, I did it. But can you tell people you did it? I would be like,
No. I believe it's called doing me a solid. I believe in the criminal world it's called... They were in a toxic relation and he was German. That's not relevant, but he... It is very relevant. He had come...
to uh be a exchange student and he fell in love for the first time with this woman who she and they have these letters where she's like i'm lady macbeth and i'm whoa let's do witchcraft and kill my parents and he's like yeah cool uh hot and then um he claims that i'd be a bad juror because basically whoever's on the stand talking i'm like yeah i believe him i believe also how how is it hot i
I don't understand that. Everybody has different versions of what turns them on. Some like that kind of crazy thing. But like it excites people to kill people. I mean, I think a very small percentage of people. Very small. And I think what I'm gathering is this guy was...
naive and inexperienced and he'd never had sex and then he had sex with this woman and he was like I will do anything for what I don't know am I being manipulated but I believe that's called fortune fortune fortune fortune sorry vagina whipped fortune I'll send you guys a link to this doc do you think that she wrote in the letter hey can
Can you do me a solid? Can you do me a solid? Is that where that comes from? Do me a solid? Where does that come from? I should know. Yeah, we thought you knew. If I had to guess, I would say it comes from... My brain's going to poo and I know that that's not where we want to go. Right at the top of the F. Oh, a solid. Do me a solid. Yeah. I don't know if it comes from anything like...
you know, historically. You don't think Cleopatra said to Mark Anthony, do me a solid? Well, it's probably like do me a solid favor, right? That's just it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's nothing about poop or. I don't know why I went. It's kind of like when you take the word chill and you take the word relax and you chillax. Yeah.
Where do you think all that and a bag of chips comes from? Subway. I'll have all that and a bag of chips. That would be so fun to go doing. That must happen to them all the time. You go into Subway sandwiches and be like, yeah, I'll have all that and a bag of chips, please. That would be the place to say it. Yeah. Do you think in a pizza place you go, thanks, it's been a slice? Probably not. No.
I'm imagining people tuning into this podcast for the first time and being like, what are they talking about? I just had a flashback to a childhood memory. I lived in Texas. There was a restaurant called Pizza Wheel. And it was a pizza restaurant with a wagon wheel on the front. It was the 70s. And little Tidge would go to Pizza Wheel all by her lonesome.
And play. Oh, my gosh. As a kid, you go by yourself? Yeah. Well, they had a jukebox. Oh, shit. And I would go buy a root beer and I'd...
play my favorite songs on the jukebox. And at the time, it was just the jukebox was full of, you know, Willie Nelson's Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys and all these just awesome old tunes. And I would just hang out
My brother and I used to watch Westerns when I was little. And I think I was kind of taken by that vibe of, you know, going into this like saloon type vibe pizza restaurant, getting my root beer and listening to my...
My 70s country classics. Imagine the staff at that restaurant being like, she's back. Get the root beer. There he is again. Yeah, there he is again. Whoever that is under that bowl haircut.
What have you been up to, Fortune? I cleaned my office. When? Earlier today, before we gathered. Did you find anything? Well, I've been on the road like crazy. At the end of this tour, we'll have done 100 cities.
So I am just in a daze of like, where am I? What am I doing? Where's anything? And so I finally was like putting things in its place, hanging things up, throwing stuff away. And I find it to be the best feeling to purge. Yes. Yes. Which is what I like to do in a new year. I like to purge and
and start fresh. That is a really good feeling. You know, Marie Kondo was so big for a while and she would say, you're meant to pick up every object and say, does it bring me joy? Yeah, that's a lot. That's a tall order. That's like a high bar to hit. Does it bring me joy? Well, I don't like stuff. Like think to me, I think there's so much energy that's, you know, we did that one episode where we talked about woohoo things. I do think that
stuff holds energy. And when you walk into a house and there's a lot of stuff and someone has, like it's very cluttered and then there's like things on all the walls and the furniture everywhere. It feels very heavy to me. And as an empath, I walk in and feel it all. Is Jax a minimalist? Yes, very much so. Okay, so that's a good match. What about you and the woman you are...
Highly involved. Heavily involved with. We're a similar level of sort of untidy, but not messy. But yeah, no, I don't think clutter is good. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, my wife's at the other end of the spectrum. She's like, OCD, must clean everything. Everything must...
She is like another level. If it was up to her, it would just be you, her, and Biggie in a white room. Empty. In a white room. Yes. Yeah, she's such a germaphobe. Such a...
If she could take Q-tips and clean the baseboards, she would. - She could. - Well, she could. - Yeah, why stop her? - I mean, she could. Her mom's like that too. She's very tidy as well. Now, I come from not tidy folks. I come from people who love a lot of things, like a lot, a lot of things. So I took the opposite stance of like, I don't like things, I don't like stuff,
But I don't know how to clean like Jax cleans. Got to get you some Q-tips. I guess so. I'm glad your office is tidy. That even makes me... It feels good. Yeah, like I feel calm knowing that. See, when I'm on tour, I also did, not to compete, but well over 100 shows on this last tour. And whenever I come home, I just drop stuff in my office and go because it's just like...
My house is a crash pad for me, basically. I also have, which is completely out of control, every piece of art Max and Finn have done. And I'm trying to figure out what to do with it.
I fantasize about making wallpaper with it or, you know, just something, something. A quilt or maybe just a book like you have a like a properly bound book, you know, where if you're scanning it all or something. But I don't know if I'd want to scan it. I'd want the original. That's the thing is I know people scan things into...
If there's another Met Gala, maybe you could... If there's another one. If they continue that tradition. They're on the fence about it. Then maybe you could wear a kind of gown made of... Or make one and give it to Kim Kardashian or something. It's always been a dream of mine to go to the Met Gala. In a gown. Oh.
Hello next year The handsomes Are going to Be invited To the Met Gala And Word on the street Says we're going Do they wear Suits
Do they wear prom dresses? Do they wear a horse costume with all three of them in it? Oh, yes. Do they wear old baby bonnets from Fortune's Childhood? Please let us go to the Met Gala and wear baby bonnets. We're all in diapers with rattles and a bib. And hear from the handsome podcast. Three babies. We're all barefoot.
Oh my God. I'd do it. You would go to the Met Gala too? Yeah. Barefoot in a diaper, no shirt, just flashing my scars. Really make us flash. Yeah. Yeah.
and the what if well if the theme you know there's always a theme maybe the theme is like childhood something yeah childhood something that thing is fingers crossed the theme if they announce it and i'm not great it's childhood something does that interest you the the met gala no i i have no interest in fashion i mean yeah of course no i what am i talking about of course it interests me in fact i'm gonna slick back my hair i want nothing
them more I want to be there I want to be looking at all the famous people fortune fortune fortune what's happening I'm at the Met Gala and wait and my hair is slicked back and it would you be holding it the whole time yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah, I would go. I want to see all those fancy people. Who gets invited? Just famous people? Very famous people. It's usually, yeah, and people. Sarah Jessica Parker. It's like whoever's big that year plus people who are fashion-y and have like. Jared Leto. Jared Leto will be there. You know he'll be there. Leto.
you know leto will be there he wore a cat costume jay leno will be there you said jay leno in his canadian tuxedo which i love jared leto i did go to an event where jared leto was at the same table as me and he was sitting across from me and he has a vibe of a sort of cult leader and he's in his shades and his long hair and um
It was like there was this amazing chef and it was like a Michelin starred chef. Oh, I like that. Yeah. And the food was amazing. Oh, I like that a lot. I was a plus one. And so the chef comes out at one point and is like, I hope you're enjoying the meal. And Jared Leto goes, I'm not going to eat it.
And we're all like, oh, okay. I would guess. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, because I got food poisoning at one of these things once. And the chef is like, oh, sir, I assure you, you would not get food poisoning from my food. And he reaches in his jacket and he pulls out a power bar, like an energy bar. And he's like, that's why I always bring these. And he opens it and starts eating it in front of the chef. Wow. Wow. That takes balls. Yeah. Or something. Fortune. I would have. I would. Fortune. No.
I would have already like licked my plate clean and had the sauce on the side of my face. Totally. Uh,
Uh, I eat it. Two thumbs up for me. Did I get any on my bonnet? But also Jared Leto's like, you know, does he have any fat on his entire body? He's very ripped, this guy. He eats air, yeah. I find all those events, I've only been to like one or two of those events. And it's weird because you go and it's supposed to be all the hottest people on the planet.
Right? Which is weird that I wasn't invited. That was weird. That none of us were invited in our diapers is fucked. But I went as a plus one to this event and I'm like looking around and I wasn't finding anyone...
Because everyone's very self-conscious and kind of not relaxing. They're always looking over everyone's shoulder to see what famous person is walking by. Yeah. It was a real lesson in like... I hope you told everyone I'm not finding any of you sexy. Oh, I went around the room. I said, listen...
-I was excited to see you, but you are not vibing. -I'm going to need y'all to step up your sexy game. -Or I'm leaving and I'm taking fortune in her bonnet and diaper with me. -That's right.
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I met Sandra Bullock and she's just so gorgeous and beautiful. And I did not fit. Sandy pants. I found her very sexy. I would call her Sandy, of course. And she gave me a hug and it was perfect.
Probably the greatest night of my life in a while. When was this? A year ago. Oh, man. That's pretty amazing. People like her who've been in the business and they're comfortable with themselves and they're just real people. Like Kevin Bacon I met at a thing. I was like, that's a celebrity. He just is glowing. He's so charismatic and charming. She was dancing, having fun. She wasn't self-conscious about anything. I'm like, that's what's up. She's chill. You know who is...
I don't know her well, but I do know her. And she is very type A OCD. Sandy is? Yeah, doesn't even... I'm now calling her Sandy. Doesn't even have a housekeeper. Does it all herself. She's like, Jax, Jax doesn't want that either. And I'm like, can we please? Because you're fussing at me to...
clean my bathroom i don't want to do that i don't know how to do it that's a little fun fact for you i would not have known that about her because she was just like carefree and dancing and i wouldn't have been like you seem like the type that likes she has that complicated um dual personality where she's so fun and funny and friendly and down to do bits and then it's like
Not late. Clean as a whistle. Everything's in order. All of this is still big bonuses for me. Yeah, this is all... I'm loving all of this. I'm not seeing a downside. No. No downside. Nor do I. I think she's
She's pretty great. Let's be honest. She's listening. And she is. We love you. Hey, Sandy. Hey, Sandy. If you want to ask us a question, we'd be happy to answer it. Yeah, we'd be real happy. You know what surprised me at that one moment?
fancy party I went to where Jared was and all those people was um I've never had strong feelings about Paris Hilton and then she she arrived and I was like oh I get it she was the most fun she was dancing she was laughing she was just like hilarious and fun she's a DJ I didn't talk to her but I stood near her and I thought you're cooler than these people she knows how to get a party started she's a DJ she's a DJ baby yeah yeah
What do you mean she's a DJ? She literally is a DJ. I don't know how else to explain it. Okay, you hire Paris Hilton and she DJs your party? Yeah, you'd have to probably pay her a lot of money, though. She's a famous DJ. Not famous for DJing, but she is famous and DJing. I don't know. She presses play. I know, but was this before she had her little...
you know no this is like more recent years that she's i don't think i don't think she's doing it like on the reg uh-huh but you should watch her um documentary the paris hilton documentary on youtube oh actually i do want to watch that oh man it changed it changed my life i was about to say and then i thought did it no uh not at all i like i don't know why there's a real shift in you well
Well, I got in touch with my humanity and what I want to accomplish in life after watching the Paris Hilton documentary. Wow. So she's a DJ. It probably does make you understand her a little better, right? Yes. That's what they're meant to do, these documentaries, Fortune. That's good. Yeah. Tig has one. I have one. Check it out on Netflix. It's called Tig. I'm going to rewatch it, actually, because I haven't watched it since I know you. And I remember watching it before I ever met you and being...
very captivated and now I'm going to rewatch it and be even more deeply moved. It changed. It's good. Look, I'm no DJ, but listen, and I can't get a party started, but my first girlfriend referred to me. My first girlfriend referred to me as a party anvil rather than a party animal. I like that. Yeah.
Well, that is definitely... I'll put that on my list of must-watches. Must-watch. Yeah, she went to one of those... She got sent to one of those troubled teen schools. I'm writing about those schools for my new Netflix series, and so I did all this research because a friend of mine also got sent, and it's pretty fascinating. Someone said, isn't she going through channels to get some of those schools shut down, right? Dude, don't get me started. I could do it...
It's a billion dollar industry. These troubled teen schools, they're actually Mitt Romney, I think, is a big investor. Don't check that fact. It might be liable. It might not be true. Let's reverse that. My fact. Yeah.
Like multi-billion dollar industry of these unregulated schools where the kids basically get kidnapped and taken there. Yeah, against their will, like in the middle of the night. Middle of the night. Like they make it as sort of traumatic as possible. And then these schools use these techniques that are, they're all, they were started in these cults in the 70s, like Synanon, these self-help cults that use like brainwashing and
That cult synonym got shut down for all kinds of reasons. And then a lot of the founding members started up these official teen schools. Oh, really? Yes. And it's...
So look, I'm getting like excited because it's like when the kid myths behave, somebody comes and snatches them in the night and puts them. Well, it's like if the kid has a like it's continuous, like in the parents are like, we don't know what to do anymore. We're in our wits. And Mitt Romney swings by snatches your kid. Mitt comes by. Have you heard of those like wilderness ones where they're like out in the woods? Yeah. Doing stuff. People are yelling at them. Yeah, bear or hey, bear. Yeah.
Yeah. Anyway, it's a... They gotta get shut down. Well, I was... I've been, like, very responsible since I was, like, 10. Really? Yeah. I was, like, always the... I don't... My mom said even when I was a kid, I was the kid that, like, looked both ways before I crossed. Like, I have been misresponsible...
forever. That's like your kids, Tig, right? They're sort of, they put themselves to bed if they got tired. Yeah, we went to a friend's party. It was like, oh, bring kids. We're going to make ornaments. And my friend said to me and Stephanie, she was like, your kids are like
Midwestern uncles. That's hilarious. Because they are, I'm sorry to like go on about them, but they're so polite and they're so sweet and
And they wear these little sweater vests that have little patches on the elbows, you know. Oh, my God. It's really cute. Yeah, I don't know if that's just like something that you instinctually have or if it's like a learned behavior. But yeah, I was always like so responsible. My God, I was not until I was probably...
30. I mean, we've talked about this in different variations, but I mean, you know, I was, I was making it happen in life, but I was definitely, I had some real blind spots and couldn't pull it together. Even when I got older and I like, you know, you go to a strip club or something. Do you? Parchin. Parchin. Parchin. You know, they're, they're, they're dancing and I'm just like,
hi, Angela, like, is everything good? Saying that to the strippers? And then they're like, they're like dancing while telling me their life story. And I'm like, yeah, that, that would be hard. I'm so sorry. I am obsessed with this image. You're like, I wore a bonnet as a child.
And what were you doing at strip clubs? Just, I don't know. You know, when you get older, it just happens. When's the last time you were at a strip club? Cause I've been to many years. Yeah. Like over a decade. Oh,
I mean, like my Chelsea Lightly days, we occasionally bop in there. Really? It's like we had a Vegas show or something. But I don't... Yeah. I mean, it wasn't like my go-to spot. But like, you know, once in a blue moon. I feel like I've been to strip clubs, like maybe...
I've been to a strip club. And... Tig! What? Does that work when I do it? Tig! Tig! But yeah, I think it has been since maybe...
2000 is the last time I remember going to a strip club. I've only been twice. Well, technically once. Once was a charity event raising money for a sort of gay theater and they had this...
stripper there who was a sort of friend nice friend of a friend yeah she and she she was kind of connected to the theater somehow and so she was giving private lap dances and I was 20 to raise money I'm yeah and I'm with my girlfriend at the time who's 27 and I'm 20 and I have never I'm pretending I go to strip clubs all the time and then I was like I really have a crush on that
dancer and my girlfriend was like let's go get a lap dance I couldn't possibly and then your girlfriend's like it's for charity it's for charity yeah okay so we go in and then um and then we're getting this lap dance me and my girlfriend and then she said uh you know you can touch me if you want and and
and then I was like, oh no, because the whole, the whole point is you're not, like the, the reason it's relaxing is there's no expectation. You don't have to do anything, right? And suddenly I'm like, well, how much and where and freaking out. Did you give her a big old bear hug? I gave her a big old bear hug, yeah. And then the second time I went, you just smack one titty and she's like, she's like, wait, what? Portune. Portune. I imagine they're going, you can touch me. Yeah.
You didn't say how. Smack one titty.
Anyway, sorry. If that's what she says, you can smack one titty if you want to. Well, sure. Thank you. No, thank you. Did you end up touching or you just kept your hands down? Yes, I did. And I felt like I was in, like we were in love. And I know that's her job, but by the end of this three minute song, I was like, okay, I guess I'm breaking up with my girlfriend and marrying this woman. That's a powerful advance. Yes. And then I sort of told my girlfriend like, I don't know, I think I had a...
with her. She was like, that is her job. Your girlfriend's like, we probably are going to break up if you got a connection in three minutes. Did the stripper ask you to take your propeller hat off? She let me keep it on. I put it on the...
and then the second time I went I went with my male friend in England and we were pretty drunk and again got a private dance in a private room and this we were both very polite and then she said you guys should make out and
and and so we start making out to to please wait you made out with who my my friend oh the stripper said to you for you and your friend to make out yeah she's like why don't you guys make out you're you seem like you should and uh my friend you guys are really like we just wanted to please her and do what she wanted so we end up making out for the like five minutes and get and she's going more and more do more and wow are you actually attracted to your friend you
You know, yeah. Well, no, but we had a very good kissing chemistry. But then at the end of the day... And all of a sudden the stripper is throwing money at y'all? Well, no, that's what felt weird was paying her at the end and being like, what did we just... Did we just pay? Yeah, you did all the work. We just paid to make out. What a weird night out. I know. That is a weird night out. Like, Fortune, if you and I ended up at a strip club and the stripper's like, you two make out. Yeah.
We're like, okay. We're like, what? What if we had really good kissing chemistry, Fortune? Yeah. Oh, wow. What if we did? Nothing else, but just really good kissing chemistry. Yeah. What would Jax do if you came home and you said, Tig and I went to the...
strip club and the stripper insisted that we kiss and so we did what would jack say no you can't say no to a stripper what would jack i think she would just be like shocked like what because none of it would make sense would she then kind of turn on me and not trust me around you or um she probably wouldn't love it stephanie would be like
I feel like she'd be delighted. She'd be like, what the fuck? Baffled and so amused. It would never come up again. We're both like, she said we had to. What? You've always wanted her. I know it. Oh, yeah. That was in Toronto, Meg? That was in London. In London. Yeah. And my friend, his name is Bertram Alfred Peake.
It's such a British. Have you heard of more British name? Could you say that with an accent? Could Debbie say that? But your mouth for take. Oh, that's all. He's like a Harry Potter character. He is like a Harry Potter character. Guys, I'm not kidding. He's the heir to a biscuit fortune. This is my dream. Yeah. Unfortunately, biscuits are cookies over there. I want to be a heir to a
American biscuit company. Bourbon biscuits. His family invented bourbon biscuits or something. What's that? Oh, he's really nice. Is that really an invention or is it just a recipe? I guess it's a recipe. That's a good point. They patented bourbon biscuits.
But then also... There's bourbon in the cookies? No. Sounds like it. No. Oh, no. Bourbon just happens to be in the name. Yeah. You know what? My mother used to make beer biscuits when I was a kid. I guess biscuits with beer. She was a partier. So she really was. Why just drink it when you can also eat it? Yeah. I forgot about beer biscuits. I don't like the taste of beer. Well, don't have her biscuits. Okay.
Okay, it won't. All right. I got to finish my... Wait, my final thing about Bertram Alfred Peake. Okay, please. You promised this better be the final thing. I swear. Seriously, Maeve. We're learning more about him than we care to. This is enough Maeve facts about Bertram... Bertram... Bertram Allerbiscuit. Bertram Allerbiscuit. Bertram Alfred Peake, who is...
his family invented bourbon biscuits and he lives on frying pan alley that's his address he's no yes does he want that information out there oh probably not but he he is like a harry potter character oh no all of our listeners are gonna head right over to frying pan alley i hope they do and just like bertrand
Oh my god, he would love it. And he's like, May, how dare you? Oh golly. Oh golly, I have a lot of people coming at my door wanting these biscuits that have no bourbon in them. A lot of handsome women yelling up to my window. Some are women, some are men, some I don't know. They don't know!
even know chiseled jaws lots of chiseled jaws bonnets i find myself attracted to all of them is it just me or has tv gotten really complicated i'm either endlessly searching for my favorite shows or i'm subscribing to like a dozen different streaming services to make sure i can watch everything that i love thankfully philo has changed all of that for me one service i
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with all this sexy talk i do want us to go ahead and get to our question because i feel like there's going to be a lot to say and more kissing stories might unfold we don't know but our question today is from someone who's very handsome very awesome gabrielle union she's a she's an actress and an activist
whose credits include Bring It On, 10 Things I Hate About You, Bad Boys 2, and most recently The Perfect Fine, which you can watch on Netflix, and the TV series Truth Be Told on Apple TV. Now I saw Gabrielle at a comedy show and never had met her before. She's so cool, and I was like,
you gotta you gotta give us a handsome question good for you for getting so there's a little bit of noise in the background that's all right it's a pretty great question let's hear it what up handsome all right who was your childhood crush and would you smash today the way they look today whatever has happened to them would you still smash just on gp
So wait, what is GP? That's a good question. Just on GP. On GP. We are so lame. We're all, Thomas is Googling it. Gabriel's so cool and we're like, we're going to have to Google that. Smash? Does that mean? Just bone. Smash means, yeah, boning. Fortune. Fortune? Guys! Guys!
Let's see. On general principle? I think general principle. Okay. On general principle, would you smash today? Yeah, it must be general principle. So this basically can be anyone. It could be someone in your life. Yeah. It could be a celebrity that you watched. Yeah. It could be whatever made you tingle. Or tinkle. Whatever made you tinkle. That happened too. Yeah.
Mine was definitely not a boy. I touched one wiener. I think we talked about that. Yeah, we don't want to hear about that again. And I don't want to go. That wasn't a crush. I was more just like, I guess. Yeah. We're here. I had lots of little crushes on different friends that I didn't know at the time were crushes, right? I just thought I was such a good friend that I cared about them so much that
that I wanted their well-being, you know, to be... Yeah. Life to be grand for them. And if they talk to any boys, I hated that guy. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Because I'm such a good friend. Yeah. That that guy is not good enough for them. And if they were like slightly off with you, you were devastated and like... Yeah. Yeah. If you didn't hear from them... Yeah. I...
I was very, you know, that closeted, like intense thing where you're just like too wrapped up in, in whatever that person says or does that it affects you to like the too much. Um, I had several of those. Friendships are so intense at that age though. Like that's. Yeah. Yeah.
We were leaving notes for each other, some of us. I talk about in stand-up, my form of intimacy with these folks is I would put lotion on their arms. Oh my God, it puts the lotion on its skirt.
It sounds very creepy, but I would, that would just be how I would like, I, on the inside was like, Oh my God. Yeah. This is the greatest feeling ever. But again, didn't know I was gay. Didn't know. Like it just didn't process to me what that was. You know, didn't even know that their arms weren't dry. I didn't know that. But, but,
you know, those, some of those people today I know and are friends with, I don't think about them in that way whatsoever. Okay. So you would not get that out there, pals. Everyone can relax. Yeah. Everyone keep your panties on for fortunes coming back in town, but everyone relax.
Everyone put your, keep your lotion in your bathroom. If you do, if fortune shows up with lotion, then, then, uh, you can be alarmed, but, um, fortune would not smash on general principle. That's right. And so fortune, you didn't have any, there were no boys that you had crushes on. Um,
There was this one boy I thought was so cute. His name was Taylor and he was just the sweetest guy. He was on my soccer team. I would say if I had a crush on a boy, I probably had a crush on him the most. Like I just thought...
He was just like the coolest, but he was like quiet, sweet and just like a good guy. Yeah. Yeah. I think at soccer, I probably like looked at him very longingly. Looked at his little soccer shorts. His shin pads. Yeah. So he would have been the one guy that I was like pretty...
head over heels about him. And did you get a vibe from him? No, we were always just friends. We didn't... Actually, we went to the prom together, but I asked him. You went to senior prom together? Yeah, and he probably was like, oh, God. I can't... He was...
But he was so sweet. He probably didn't have the heart to say no. You don't know that. I think I trapped him. No, you don't know that. I think I trapped him into going to prom with me. I just realized that. Did you have lotion at prom? No, but it was so platonic. And he was...
Great and an awesome date. And so such a gentleman. There was no smooching or nothing. Yeah. But I liked him a lot. I just was a walking...
erection from the time I came out of the womb basically I was like I was a crush personified like my still like my driving force in life I mean not now but like was crush was impressing certain people and there was always one or two that really
dominated my thoughts and my, you know, and oh man, I thought of two. One is my brother had a friend called Sam who was just, I like people who are just like cheeky and have like a twinkle and have a zest for life. And this kid was just kind of, he was always getting his scrapes. He was like, he was always falling off his skateboard and stuff. And my brother tells the story that one time Sam was having a sleepover at our house and
And maybe I was like 10 and my brother found me watching Sam sleep. I was just standing and I was gazing at him just being like, he is beautiful. I vaguely remember just standing in the darkness with my heart pounding. How creepy is that? Just watching his beautiful face.
Anyways. Get your lotion ready. Get the lotion ready. Put the lotion in the basket. And then the others are, I mean, the one that I talk a lot about in standup is my camp counselor, Katie Anderson, who was, you know, I mean...
I was beyond obsessed with her, but I didn't know why. I didn't. Yeah. I just wanted, I was always trying to like pick fights with like physical fights with her. Just being like, Oh, put them up, put them up. Like just to get any physical contact. Some kind of contact. See? Yeah. Lotion. Hello. I was a more pacifist. Hello. Lotion. Yeah. You're slapping titties. I'm rubbing lotion. Yeah.
Oh, I did have a giant crush on my seventh grade teacher who was a female. She was like 24 or something. And I just was head over heels about her. Have you looked her up?
No, because I don't like she left the school like a year later. So I haven't seen or heard of her since I was like 13. But I just I do remember once being like, do you have a boyfriend? Yes. She was like, that is none of your business. And I was like, cool, cool, cool. I feel like I know someone interested. Yeah.
Asking for a friend. That's where that saying came from. Asking for a friend. I think she's like, what? Asking for a 10-year-old. All my 24-year-old friends. I really want to track her down. Like, Tegan and I need to, just the two of us, track down this woman. She was so pretty. Does this look familiar? And I was just a little fatty face.
fat kid with like greasy hair. Do you have a boyfriend? But did she like? No, but why do you ask? Who's asking? Greaseball.
That was back when I, yeah, my hair was greasy and I put it back in a ponytail and I wore a lot of sweatsuits. I look like an Italian mobster. Did you have just cash in your pocket? Eating a salami sandwich. Hey, you got a boyfriend?
You're just counting cash in your hands that you pull out of your sweatpants. She's like, who's asking? Hey, none of your business. I bet you were so adorable though. I bet. No. I was so adorable from like up until like age seven. And then I had a real rough go at it for a while. You had two rough decades. Yeah.
Junior high was not my time to shine physically. Tig, let's hear about your crushes. There's this guy, Sean, in elementary school that I could not get enough of. I remember when he came over on the weekend. He didn't live in...
The area that I did, but his mother drove him over. And I remember being so embarrassed hearing my mother on the phone with his mother saying, Tig has been up since before the birds. Oh, my God. Don't say that. Oh, my God. Play it cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when I got into junior high school, there was this guy, Mark.
You got it bad. You had it bad? I had it real bad. And, you know, we've been friendly. You know, I was out of touch from him. We became friends. We were good pals. But I was performing in Austin when I lived in Texas as a kid. That's when I met him. But I was doing stand-up. I hadn't talked to him in years. And I'm looking from the stage thinking, oh, my gosh, that guy looks like Mark.
I didn't know he had moved to Austin or whatever. And I get off stage. Sure enough, it was Mark. He had seen in the paper that I was coming to town doing stand-up. Aw. Was there still a spark between you? Yeah. I think I am just so... He's one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. Oh, man. And he is so...
He's just a delight. He's so fun. He's so cute. He's so funny. He's a musician. And he plays guitar and drums and sings. And he's a skateboarder. And, you know, oh, Mae's yawning. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, I'm so sorry. You know, we listen to your... Your straight crushes music.
bumming me out. No, listen, I'm horny for Mark. Yeah, Mark, I haven't talked to him in a while, but man, yeah, anytime I'm around him, I think I've even openly talked about my undying love for him to him. And when I'm around him as an adult, I still feel a little like...
I love this guy. I love this guy so much. Oh my God, I love him. Oh my God, I love him so much. Yeah, that's so cute. It's funny. I mean, less with people that I actually knew and had a crush on then and now still know. I guess I would not smash today because they're my friends now. But with celebs, like...
like uh bat middler was my big crush and tim curry both in their 80s now i think and and i would still smash because wait not bad she's not 80 80 right i thought she was like maybe 70 no she's gotta be older than that you think so i do let me google i do did you ever know i just want to make sure she's 78 yeah
Okay, Fortune thinks Bette Midler is 60. I'm almost 60. And I can fly higher than any gold. Oh, sorry, pardon me. 78, really? God. I just want to be real clear that neither of these people wanted to smash any part of me. Okay.
Yeah, Taylor wasn't trying to smash me, but I do think I stared at his picture from when we were age 5 to 12. I love that these are all unrequited crushes for us, but that's kind of where your mind goes when you think about a crush, right? Yeah. Well, because as a closeted gay gal that didn't know she was gay...
I didn't realize that, you know, like when you're attracted to someone, you're putting out the pheromones, right? And so if you're a closeted person in high school, I'm not putting out the same things to the guys that the straight girls are, right? So like when I would meet a lot of the...
we would immediately kind of high five and have that kind of rapport. Yeah. They'd like, they weren't like, and you're like, I'll see you at prom, buddy. Poor Taylor. You freaking trapped him to go to the prom. I apologize. And are you still in touch with him? I have.
haven't seen him in years but i think he's still around in my hometown oh he's married i believe with kids such a just the cutest he was so cute let's put pictures up of our crushes on social media i know i do not want to do that to him he's so shy oh my god i would not do that he's so sweet and shy can you imagine these three guys in the
on a handsome podcast. Also Sam is like. They're at their eighth grade picture. Sam's like, you watched me sleep? What? I sort of wish I hadn't said that, but hey, it's the truth. And their wives now are like, oh, this whole dyke fortune thought you were so cute. And I'm like, we put up a video of me with like gray hair and CVS readers on. I'm like, oh yeah, Mark, whoo.
Lordy. He is so funny. Celebrity wise, Sandra Bullock did it for me back then too. Practical magic and I watched while you were sleeping. Wait, you watched the reverse. You watched Sam as well? He
That is the reverse. She was watching her crush sleeping and I'm watching her watch her crush. Yeah. Hello. Hello. I wish in some ways I could go back to that. I don't want to go back ever. I'm so happy to be like moved on, but I wish I had been out sooner. I wish I had gotten to experience that.
that was like to be an out teenager because I didn't come out until I was like 25 and I felt like I was like really learning how to date and how to...
be in relationships, you know, in my late twenties and early thirties when people got to experience that at like 16. Yes. And, and I just felt like I missed out on so much in that regard. Yeah. Like you were a, it was a bit of arrested development when you don't get to flex that muscle, then you're like, yeah, learn it all at once. My wife came out at 15, which at our age, um,
That was very bold to be an out 15 year old that nowadays it's not that uncommon. But when we were growing up, that was very uncommon. And you and Jax are the same age. Yeah. We're the same age. And she, um, yeah, she came out at 15 and just knew who she was and what she wanted. And,
I was not that person. Where did she grow up? What part? In Michigan. Okay. Well, Jack, she's very feminine presenting. Yeah. So when she came out in high school, people were like, no, you're not gay. They were like, you're trying to get attention. They wouldn't accept it. They're like, no, you're not gay. You look like a girl. And you're like, come on. And then I walk in and they're like, yeah, old queer. Yeah.
Eow, queer. No, actually, no one ever said that to me. I wish they had. Because I really did not know. Well, should we hear... Yeah, let's hear what Gabrielle's answer is. Yeah. My childhood crush, it's a trio. I loved Matt Dillon in a way that was fucking unhealthy for me. I loved him from...
texts to little darlings and that's really where it took a turn for me. I loved him. I ran into him in Montreal and the answer to that question is no.
My other crush is Stoney Jackson from TJ Hooker and Streets of Fire. And I was able to run into him after we did the Facts of Life redo a couple years back. And no, I'd had that. And my other one was Christy McNichol. I love Christy McNichol from Family, from Little Darlings.
Empty Nest, I love her. And if she gave me a fucking shot, bitch, it's on. Oh. Wow. So she went full on celebrity crushes. Celebrity crushes, yeah. Right, right, right. Which we should reveal now. I mean, I'd love the reveal of Gabrielle would smash it with Christy McNichols. I know. I know. What a reveal. Vava voom. What a podcast. What? What?
Podcast. Podcast.
Reveal! Well, mine was Sandra Bullock. I revealed mine. Yeah, I had too many to even begin. But Tim Curry and Bette Midler were my big ones. What about you? John Travolta. Yes. I think I knew this about... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, John... Don't you laugh at me. I'm talking John Travolta in Grease. I'm talking John Travolta in Welcome Back, Cotter. True. I'm talking... Oh, yeah. He had that scene with Jamie Lee Curtis, another handsome...
Podcast. Alumni. Yeah, alumni. Where he gyrated his wiener. Fortune! In the aerobics class, jazzercise class. And she was all doing it too. And they were like, Is that what did it for you? What if I was like John Travolta from Look Who's Talking Too. Yeah.
Yeah, no, I was nuts about John Travolta. If you hung out with him now, do you think you would see young John in him? I don't see a trace of young John in him now. He is very different. He looks so different. It's wild. But he was like the movie star of the day. He was in everything. You know what? I'm sorry. The movie that...
To this day, I'm like, ladies, I'll fight you for them. Urban Cowboy.
Never seen it. That is... I don't think I saw it either. You spend the evening tonight watching Urban Cowboy. You pour yourself a Chardonnay. It is John Travolta and Debra Winger. And if I can have a braggadocious moment, Debra Winger is hands down one of my top favorite actresses of all time. And I've become friends with her. Wow. Mm-hmm.
But Deborah and John in Urban Cowboy...
Nothing hotter. They're both so awesome and hot and talented. That movie is so good. Really? Okay, I'd never even heard of it. That's crazy. Please watch it. Okay, I'm going to watch it. I found Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder to be very sexy. Well, thank you. I once hooked up with an Irish man and we were talking about Tom Cruise for some reason and I said, what's your favorite Tom Cruise movie? And he said, Days of Thunder.
Days of tundra. I loved how he said days of tundra. Tundra from down under. I liked seeing him and Nicole Kidman getting sexy in that movie. Yeah. She was the curly-haired physician that was like, you better be careful out there. This is bad for you. And he's like, ah, racism is my life. Was he a pirate? No.
Racism. No, but I realized that I did. I think the Irish was still kind of sticking with me. There's a tundra. There's a tundra. Not only do I race cars, but I'm also a pirate. Yeah.
I'm an Irish. Irish. He was old and the cop pulled up over the big truck that had all the guys on it and she was like, you're under arrest, mister, for something. Oh, we're still in the plot of... Yeah, nobody asked. Oh, this is Days of Thunder, guys. This is a pretty important movie to my childhood. Can you do the whole movie?
And then it turns out she was a stripper and like grabbed his junk and fortune. I'm just, it's movie. Don't say junk. That was pretty sexy too. And then she said to the cop and Tom Cruise, can you guys just make out? Money flying everywhere. Yeah. Days of Thunder really did it for me. Thunder. Well, what an episode. Really? What an episode.
a true pledge as always yes people like to ask us who we have the hots for they do yeah they do wouldn't it be so fun to find out who had the hots for you that you never knew about oh my god yes I would love that circling your just they're in your orbit I imagine you two had a lot I don't you as well fortune everybody want
to be my best friend. I don't think I had a lot of unrequited love. Okay, even now. What if now there's a fan who's like, yeah, Mae was my childhood crush, but I wouldn't smash now. Look what happened to them. That would be sad. If we were your crushes, let us know. Yeah, please let us know.
We need constant, constant validation and adoration. I have not left a trail of broken hearts along my path, just so you know. Well, let us know who your childhood crush was on social media, please. Even if it's a childhood crush, tell us something specific about it. Or if it's, you know...
John Travolta or Deborah Winger. Yeah. I don't have much coming up in January except Largo, January 16th. Please come in Los Angeles. What do you guys have? At the end of the month, I'm in Burlington, Vermont, Washington, D.C. and Red Bank, New Jersey.
I'd really love for our European listeners to come to my shows in London and Amsterdam the end of January. I'm going to send Bertram Alfred Peake. Please tell him to come to Union Chapel. And then some big cities coming up. Denver, Colorado, Philly, Milwaukee, Madison, L.A. and New York and Toronto.
Fortunefamster.com for tickets. Well, I will be in College Park, Maryland, January 26th. And then I'm just going to pop on over to Peekskill, New York on March 8th. I'll be in Waterville, Maine, March 9th. But I believe that is sold out at this point. And always Los Angeles, New York.
at Largo or Dynasty Typewriter, just popping around working on new material. And also a quick thank you to everyone who tuned into our live stream. I don't think we ever got a chance to say that.
But what a blast. What an off the hook blast that was. It definitely makes us want to do more of that. Doing these fun shows and connecting with people all over in a different way. Yes. So thank you guys for being a part of that special night. Don't forget to treat yourself to handsome merch. Where can they find that, Mae? Handsomepod.com. My favorite website. Handsomepod.com.
dot com handsome pod dot com handsome pod dot com handsome and if Bette Midler were here she would say did you ever know that you're my hero oh man I love her oh beaches the movie beaches you talk about wanting two ladies to kiss
That's what I wanted. I don't remember the movie. I feel like somebody was sick on a beach or something. Barbara Hershey. And I sobbed like a baby. Well, they were, because that was like, I love movies about female friendship. And they were just, that and fried green tomatoes. I wanted them to kiss as well. Anyway. That's for another time. We can also write sequels.
Yeah, someone should ask me about movies where I want to do people to kiss. And I have a lot. I have a big list. Yeah, Thomas, put that on the list. Put that on the list. Well, in closing, all that remains is, yeah, thank you guys for listening. And we hope that you will keep kissing.
Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!