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Cheers! Hey there, it's Tig Notaro. Welcome to the Handsome Pod. I'm sitting here with my very handsome co-hosts. Mae Martin. And Fortune Feimster. And we're back at it. We're back, baby! We are back, little babies. Are we ever. I just went and got coffee. I am on the road and two lovely listeners said...
We love handsome. While you were out getting coffee? Fortune! I got choked up about that moment. Yeah, while I was getting coffee, they said, we love handsome.
Whoa. That's incredible. I love hearing about handsome out in the wild. Me too. I know. And what city are you in? I'm in Charlotte, North Carolina. It's very wild down there. That's right. It's my home state. You've never been to North Carolina? No, I really want to. What is it, mountains? What do you got, mountains? We got everything. You got wild horses running on beaches down there. That's on the East Coast. Well, whatever. So, Mae, North Carolina is very wide.
The west part is the mountains. The mid part's just whatevs. And then the eastern part is... No offense, mid part. No offense.
these are why would you school in the mid part it's great raleigh all that stuff a lot of universities um eastern part beaches wild horses running around on the beach i mean that's ridiculous yeah wait i didn't take it in when you said it the first time wild horses that's right may and okay if these horses are so wild how come they don't
Go to other states. Is it an island, though? I can't remember. I don't know. That's not my... That's a May fact. That's not... I'm here to say there are wild horses, and apparently you can't drag them away from their little island. Yeah, they love it. Wait, you don't know if your state is an island? No, my whole state is not an island. No, the state is for sure not an island, but there is an island...
Off of the state. Okay, with wild horses. That you can't drag away. Which reminds me of a song. Two, three, and... Wild horses drag me away.
are we putting on a handsome album for some reason when i'm picturing these wild horses on this island i'm picturing richard gear kind of hanging out with them i don't know why i think like that i think wild horses i think richard gear i don't know why that is well listen if anyone can tame a wild horse it's richard gear am i right handsomes you're right
So how long are you there? I leave tomorrow and then head to Michigan. Now is Michigan an island? Michigan, not an island, but it gets very cold. But they have an upper peninsula. Yeah. They do have an upper peninsula that's right on the Canadian border. Their lake is so massive. There are many lakes. How massive is it? She's teeing us up for a good one, Mae. Okay.
What is it? Lake Ontario? Which one is it? Lake Michigan. Lake Michigan. Good Lord. I'm the one with a seventh grade education.
It's ginormous. It feels like an ocean, but guess what? It's not. It's not. I prefer a lake to an ocean. Me too, Mae. Yeah, I am scared of the ocean and I like knowing that there's a border somewhere. How would you feel if you were out on the beach and a wild horsey ran up to you? Oh my God, and just nuzzled me with its nose. No, turned around and kicked you.
Oh, and then I'd be like, hey. You'd say, hey. Hey. And the horse would be like, where? Did someone say, hey?
Hey. You wouldn't jump on and ride bareback? Is that an option with a wild horse? Yeah, I would try. Everything's an option. I mean, you're on a beach. A horse just ran up to you. There's no rules. You're a little cowboy. Yeah. Where's Richard Gere in this scenario? Is he there to help? You would be riding behind Richard Gere with your arms around him. Yeah, I'll do that. Topless. And y'all both are topless. Yeah. Oiled up for some reason. Cowboy hat.
Topless. Low cowboys. Sort of leather chaps. Yeah. Bareback, bare chest. Yeah. That's handsome. I think I understand why I'm thinking about Richard Gere. It's because of this movie, Runaway Bride. It just occurred to me that there's, isn't there a horse in that? Yeah.
yeah there there's like a horse situation where she's always on a horse running away from marriage right and then he's like chasing her on the horse or something like that yeah was that real or was that i can't remember if that was a figment of her imagination a figment figment yeah it was a figment yo when i'm in north carolina i don't enunciate
That's fine. You don't do it otherwise either. How dare you? I have to tell you something about myself and Richard Gere. Okay. Whoa, okay. Yeah, everyone wake up and focus. I'm alert. I got a call. I don't know. Maybe it was a year and a half ago.
that they were reviving Chicago. Oh my God, where is this going? And Pamela Anderson was Roxy. This is on Broadway. That's in her documentary. That's inspired casting. Yeah, well, guess, take it up another notch. Guess who was asked to do the Richard Gere role? Shut up. Wait, wait.
I'm waiting. Yes. Yeah. And you said no? No, I didn't say no. I said, oh my gosh, I can't sing or dance. But I'll take it. But I'll take it. And then...
And they were, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But they were going to help me with my singing and dancing because I guess his singing is a little like talk singing. Yeah. And his dancing's sort of reserved. Yeah. And they thought it would be really fun if Pamela Anderson and I were in those roles. And then Stephanie...
Pulls me aside as I'm, as I'm, cause I was truly like, my head was, I was blown away by this, you know, they, they were essentially saying I could help with the, the show launching and I wouldn't have to do the whole run. Right. Oh my God. This is a dream come true for me. Yeah. And, and then I was so excited because I thought this is so out of my world.
But also excited me. And then Stephanie pulls me aside and she's very Broadway. She's very musical, show tunes, all of that. Not me. And she said, here's the thing. If you do this, you cannot...
do it tongue in cheek you can't you have to walk out on that stage with full confidence and you need to sing and you need to dance and
And you need to deliver it for the Broadway audience because you can't be like winking at everybody. She was like, when you walk out there in your suit and you're dancing and singing, you have to really deliver it 110%. Yeah. It is not, it's not the comedy world. It is people are there to see you sing and dance and really deliver. Yeah.
And that scared the hell out of me. You said, I'm out. Well, no, I really wanted to do it, but my schedule was so busy that I didn't feel like I could put in the time to really sing and dance. But if you think I didn't want to do that, especially with a fellow vegan. Oh my God, a fellow vegan.
Oh my gosh. Y'all could have made so many dishes together. Oh my gosh. If not just one. But I was so excited to do this.
But Stephanie was right. She was right. There's a specific song that I'm thinking of in that musical where the Richard Gere character sits down and I think Roxy or Velma is like on his lap like a puppet. Yeah. I'm picturing you and Pamela doing that. It's wild. Oh my gosh. If you think I did not want to do this. No, we don't think you did not. No.
My wife gave a hard pass on it. I had a similar thing, but a whole different vibe. Is this Richard Gere related? No, but it is dude related. Okay. Oh, dude related is a new segment. When Magic Mike Live first came on the Vegas scene, the movies were a big hit, you know.
And they were like, we got to get these dongs on a stage. Fortune. Fortune. Sorry, penis. Fortune. Fortune. You guys. God, why do you insist?
They wanted an MC. They still, they have an MC, but they wanted me to be the MC that kicked off Magic Mike Live. So I would have had to pretend to be in the dongs.
That would have been incredible. That would have been so good. Can you guys imagine me in Vegas? She's like, ladies, ladies, ladies, who's ready to get their grind on? Yes, I can. I really can now. Especially with the headset you have on right now. I'm wearing a headset today, you guys. I look like an airplane pilot. If not an employee at Old Navy. Can we get some more khakis back here?
khakis backies okay my apologies that was pretty good too it was back it was pretty good yeah i was actually offered the part of frodo baggins in the lord of the rings and i was like that would mean no it's not funny there has to be something you were asked to do no you're not taking it all this episode is all about what could have been
Yeah. Well, okay. Yeah. May, what could have been? What could have been? What is it little cowboy? Well,
I'm just thinking that when I was a kid, I auditioned for Oliver Twist, the stage musical, and I was 10 or something. And I auditioned to play the artful Dodger. And it was me and a bunch of little boys. And I made it to the, like the final four or something. And I was so pumped to be that, you know, the artful Dodger was he. I don't consider yourself. No. What is that? I love English accent. I could listen to it all day. It's very good.
Yeah, and then they never told me that I didn't get it. So I told everyone at my school that I got it. And I went to summer camp that summer. And I thought, well, I guess I'll be doing that. I won't be going to school anymore after this. And then I got back and I still hadn't heard. And then I only found out when I saw the poster, like the play had started already. I know, I know. You would have been great for that show. Thank you so much. You were made for that. I was made.
God, it's early. Guys, look, I got something to show you. Do you want to see something? Yeah, sure. Always. Okay. I got to take the headphones off so I won't be able to hear you for a second. Okay. Let's dish, Fortune. Let's dish. Okay. Oh, no way. Oh, my gosh. No way. No way.
We're going to have to show our handsome listeners the video of this. Oh my Lord. Dreams come true. I've never felt more myself. I kind of feel like it should be like sideways. Yes, of course it should. Tell our listeners what you have on your head. I am wearing. It's a hat.
- Dang, you ruined it. - A baseball cap with a little propeller. And I've never felt more confident. - Mae, this is your brand.
This is my brand. You do have that thing where, you know, obviously you have sex appeal, but you are... Tig! No! May has a lot of sex appeal. Listen, listen. May's like a GQ. I am not trying to be inappropriate with our friendship here. You have no concerns. I am. May, you're real good. I don't understand. Fortune, stay out of it. They're mine. Who's ready to grind? I don't get it.
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I don't get, though, how the two things can coexist, that you're saying I got this appeal, but then also you're like, this is you. The propeller is you. Here's the thing. I think we all have it in our own way. It's a superpower that you can be seen in these different ways because I can look at somebody that's like, ooh, I've got a thing for May, and then I glance at you and I don't think, well, that's weird.
You know, I get it. And then when little cowboy puts on the propeller hat, it makes just as much sense. And you know, it kind of reminds me and this is very sad and unfortunate, but I dated somebody. It pains me to say this, because I do feel like
It's hard for me to think any child isn't cute. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, here we go. She showed me photos of herself as a kid. And I, I'm so, it pains me to say this. And listen. Thank you for saying this. Thank you for saying this. Cause it happens. Rarely. I've, I have, you could show me a child that I don't care what is going on with this child. Um,
The child, precious, precious being. There was something vacant or I don't know what it was.
And I would normally say cut this out, but I'm just going to go ahead and let it be. But I did not think this person was cute as a child. And it made me feel pain. And then it also made me feel a little more distant from her. Whoa. Yeah. Wow. I really know what you mean. But I wonder if that was a symptom of like feelings you were already having. I think so. I think so.
I know that I'm like crazy in love with someone if I see a picture of them as a kid and I die. Yes. And I'm like, yeah. Yes. You know what I mean? Yes. Oh, man. Yes. I mean, when I saw Stephanie's
baby pictures. I didn't even know, my brain couldn't even comprehend what I was looking at. And here's maybe what it is, is the picture that this girl showed me from her childhood, it was a little too posed and staged to be like perfect cute. Yeah. Well, then don't look at my childhood photos. Okay, I'll... Because you were...
No, I wore a pageant. When I was little, little, I had a bonnet holding a rose. Oh, I'm in. It was Olin Mills, our big photographer here. Okay. A bonnet holding a rose? I would be all in on that. One curl, please.
coming why would you need more now fortune speaking of olin mills and may i'm sure you're not familiar but it what is it a southern thing because it might be like you go to the mall there's a back like a dark backdrop and your whole family dresses in their church clothes yeah and regardless of your beliefs denomination yeah yeah these are our church clothes
And you take a family photo and then everyone gets solo portraits. Okay. Yeah. And they have their signature gold cursive writing at the bottom. Olin Mills. It looks like we have a new sponsor. Now I want to tell you the only Olin Mills I did was,
was as a young adult, I was very familiar with Olin Mills, but my family wasn't a very, like, let's go to Sears or Olin Mills and capture this disaster of a family. What I did as a young adult, my friend Shannon and I, she got a free package to have Olin Mills pictures made. We set our alarms. Like,
30 minutes before our picture was supposed to be taken. And we showed up. Well, as a bit, we showed up with our hair. So crazy. We look half asleep.
And we went and brought every prop into the photo. Like we had a big wicker chair that I was sitting on. I had shorts and sandals and a T-shirt. My hair was going everywhere. And Shannon was peeking her head around the big wicker chair. And we just did all sorts of different things. And the photographer was so annoyed.
Imagine if you agreed to do Chicago and then you showed up to the first rehearsal and the director was the photographer from Olin Mills from that day and he's like, this person is not going to take this seriously. Here she is again. Here she is. Like we wanted those little blocks that, you know, you stand on behind something to make you taller. We use those in frame and everything...
We just used every prop that we could and we thought it was so funny to show up looking like hell. I want to see those pictures. Did you have any family photos like that, Mae? No, never professional like that. I don't know if Canada had...
some cameras canada didn't have cameras per se but there there's uh a lot of santa claus pictures like oh yeah i definitely have one of me and santa claus there's one of me and my brother and all of his best friends who are these three brothers they were like our family friends and i'm just one of the boys and i'm so excited to be with santa claus and all the boys and i i like that picture me and santa and the boys what i want from this propeller hat hmm
I think you should do a photo shoot now in one of your suits where you're looking super handsome, but also have on this hat. Guys, also Thomas put this on the list.
Sounds like an Olin Mills portrait is in our future for the three of us. Oh my God, we have to. We got to head down south and we got to get an Olin Mills portrait done. Let's take handsome on the road. And little cowboy has the propeller hat on. I also want to do those old timey cowboy ones. Oh,
Oh, yeah. Can we do that? Yeah. But I also got extra propeller hats if you guys want them. Yes, please. We're going to need to have a handsome picture in those. Well, definitely at the live show, we should wear them. And we'll get those cowboy shots to submit for our walk-on role to Yellowstone. And all three of us should be in one of those lady dresses where the back poofs out. Yes, the many layered fro. The pretty little lady.
Yes. I have come out for the handsome pod. Yeah. We have so much to do, you guys. Well, I talked to Thomas about it the other day, and we're going to set a couple of days aside with a film crew, and we're going to get these different little things for our listeners. I'm really up for that. Well, I talked to Natalie Maines after that pod aired, and she goes, you guys didn't even comment on my number one video.
Jason Segel. I was like, well, we were... I think we were more surprised. I bumped into him the other day. You did? Did you tell him that he's Natalie Maines' number one pick? No, no. I talked about my acai bowl. I should have talked about Natalie Maines. He's a very nice man, I think. Well, because one of the activities we said we'd do is go on dates, all of us. Oh, we need to go on a triple date with Nick Offerman. He needs to find out about this.
Yes. Well, I hope Natalie will forgive us. She will. She'll be fine. I'm trying to find this picture from when I was a kid. You know, I'll find it later and show you.
No, we could just record dead air while you scroll through. I want to find this picture because it's how I feel inside. And I think that when people look at me, they see this person. Oh, really? I basically look like, is it the secret garden where there's the little boy in the wheelchair? Or is it a little girl in the wheelchair? I can't remember. It's a little person. I just know, come to my garden.
I don't even know what you're talking about. Much less the theme song. It's a musical. Yeah, I already said I'm not a musical. Stephanie is the musical person. I know. Go Grease Landon. Oh, that's only the finest of musicals. And Tim Tomorrow. I can't believe you didn't take that part. Little orphan Tiggy.
This is me. Little orphan Tidgey. Little orphan Tidgey. We got it. We got to write that. We got to write that musical. Right. Put that on the down, Thomas. Show us your picture. Yeah. I just look at the size of my legs and this is and I used to make my dad carry me around like this. Oh, you are adorable. So you see yourself as that being carried around? Yeah.
I see myself as this little spindly creature, like a little spider monkey. It's so funny because you are very handsome. I was told the other day, someone noticed that I'm walking on my tiptoes, like around my own house. And I think it's because I just don't want to bother anyone. I'm being quiet. No, it's because you're a little cowboy. I'm used to my stirrups. Well, yeah, you're used to your stirrups and you're just too tiny. Yeah.
I'm too tiny. Yeah, you're just too tiny. You got to get yourself up on your tiptoes. Yeah, I can't see over the counter. You can't see over the horse's head. I saw a picture of myself on stage and it looked like I was also on my tiptoes, but I don't know why. It's a good place to be up there. Yes. It's such a difference. Like you're flat foot and then you go up on the tiptoes. Life looks very different up there.
I'm trying to ground myself through my heel and be more grounded in my root chakra and be like taking up space, you know, making noise, stomping around my apartment. I pay rent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to tiptoe. Yeah. And speaking of, I'm sorry. No, I was just going to say, get those loud shoes out. That wasn't worth it. Everyone make way for this. Go on fortune.
Get those loud shoes out. Why don't you get those loud shoes out? Maybe some clogs? When Stephanie and I went to her sister's wedding, I said, get my black lace-up shoes for me. She said, which ones? The one with the little piece of wood underneath? Oh, my God. And I said, you mean a heel? And she goes, yeah, whatever. Oh.
She's so gay. Whatever. A little piece of wood. Give me the heel. I was dealing with Pinocchio's grandfather. A little piece of wood. Wow. She's so gay now. It's only like half an inch heel. It's just a shoe. A kitten heel. It's a kitten heel. Tig, did you wear a kitten heel? Fortune, I did.
Please, God, let you wear a kitten heel. It's something even old Richard Gere would have worn, the little piece of wood under the shoe. Oh, just like a little something. Did she think that you'd glued it on yourself? I don't know what she was thinking. She shrugged it off like I was crazy for even questioning her, asking if it was the pair with the little piece of wood under. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.
tomato tomato may have you ever worn heels oh the last time was when i was 15 for a comedy sketch yeah but i i never not never never won for it myself i can't walk in them i don't know how people do it i think it's crazy but i i miss those like foam platform shoes those like that the spice girls would wear oh yeah
there was this, uh, some kind of party in grade eight. And I went to a hairdresser and got my hair done in baubles, like scary spice. Nice. I wore platform shoes and like tear away pants, like with poppers on the side. Um,
That was one of my best looks. I love that. Well, Thomas put that on the list too. We're all going to three walk in heels. Yeah. Maybe we should race in heels. That's it. Oh, yes. You got it. Jax broke her elbow wearing heels. Well, that's her problem. But listen,
That's her problem. The three of us racing in heels. You are going to break bones, Tig. You're right. Okay. I'll blow the whistle and you too, race. You know what's a good alternative? A wedge. Okay, girlfriend. Pretty little lady.
A wedge is like not the pointy heel. Look at us trying to be like, we know what heels are. That's actually a wedge. Yeah, it's a wedge. It's a nice cork bottom. Remember, you have a headset on. Hello, can I get that cork wedge to the front? Aisle two.
This truly happened last night that I was, my hands were very dry. I think I've been having too many baths or something. And I go to my girlfriend, do you have any hand cream? And she goes, hand cream? And she was like, you said hand cream. And I was like, no, I didn't. I bet you did. I bet you did too. We've heard you say ponte's. You say ponte's. I'm sure you said hand cream. Get your hand out of my ponte's.
Get your hand on that. Can I have some hand cream? Can I get a size 8 panties on aisle 1?
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So say hand right now. Hand. Hand. It's Han. Moving on.
Anyway, I guess we should get to our question. Oh, yeah. I'm excited about this. Yeah. We have a question from Bella Ramsey, who's my pal, an English actor. You're going to know Bella from Game of Thrones. They played Liana Mormont. Am I saying? I haven't seen Game of Thrones. Oh, it's so good. Really? I know. I would love it. And then they play Ellie in the hit HBO show The Last of Us, which is a zombie show.
Zomp show and Bella killed it. Oh, fuck, it's good. It's so good. Yeah, and I'm a big Zomp fan and it's just very, very good. They were nominated for an Emmy for that. Wow. And this is their question. Zomp. Hello, handsome podcast. This is Bella Ramsey. Okay, this is my question. Would you rather bite a towel or bite foil? Because I've got this theory and I need more data.
So let me know if you could buy both a towel and foil, or if one of those is absolutely abhorrent to you. Please. Oh my god. I love Bella's voice. Yes. And thank god someone finally asked this question. This is why Bella's very popular and working, because that's a cool voice. Oh, very cool voice. Yes. Well, first of all, I've never thought about this ever. Yeah, right. Right.
I think about it all the time. Would you rather bite a towel or foil?
I have a very visceral reaction to this question. Same. Oh, you do? Same. Oh, wow. Like goosebumps. Nuh-uh. Yes. Really? Don't yell at me, Fortune. It's true. Okay. Well, listen. You guys take the floor. Okay. I'm a big fan of bath time in general and one of the memories of it. I know your fingers are dry because of it. Oh, yeah. You like a bath and hand cream? Yeah.
I need hand cream because I'm in the bath so much. I'm in the bath. I'm washing my panties in the bath. But I love to chew on a flannel. And as a kid, I would like chew on a wet flannel or like suck the water out of it. That's...
And I would sometimes take a wet flannel and lay it over my face and then breathe through it kind of. I have a lot of happy memories, towel-based. Because what do you call it, a washcloth? Oh, you call the washcloth a flannel. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. I thought you meant like what the shirt, like what Tig's wearing right now. Yes, yes. The LGBTQ uniform. The gay one.
Oh, I see. So the washcloths would have water on it and you would chew on the washcloth. That's gross. But did you drink the water or just...
Yeah, I've drunk some bath water in my time. I have some stand-up about it because when I went to rehab, all the kids in the... I'm like, I don't know, 17 or something. And they all start calling me bath water. Oh, you mentioned that. That's right. And that was their nickname for me because they said I look like the type of kid that would drink their own bath water with a straw. And you did. And I guess we've all drunk a little. Not me. I don't think I have. Okay. But...
You're alone. But, well...
might have sucked on a washcloth when okay truth comes out here we go but i i don't think i drank the water okay yeah i probably you know maybe me neither listen this is a safe space may you don't have to walk anything back you drink that bath water the idea of chewing on tinfoil though is abhorrent to me oh oh
Oh, both of them. Both of them. But I would chew on a towel before I would chew. Wait, if they are using the word towel, why aren't they using flannel? Because flannel is only...
What word did they use, actually? Towel. I thought it was a towel. Oh, maybe they're sort of translating because they know that... Well, the flannel will be the small one, but maybe their towels are still towels. Thank you, detective. I think they're pandering to us dumb dummies.
Well, they should know this podcast is global. That's right. We're global, baby. Even the wild horses on the island are listening. Wild horses. Take it, fortune. So you have a visceral reaction to both these things. You don't want to bite a towel. You don't want to bite tinfoil. Why would I want to bite either of those? What? What?
On what planet? Well, this is the thing is I want to buy the towel. But I actively want to bite a towel. Okay. I will bite a towel over tinfoil. Okay. And Fortune, are you having a gut? I don't have a gut reaction. I'm just more of like, huh, I would have never thought of that. But see, that's what I like about our podcast is that
Everyone's brain thinks differently. Yeah. And so it kind of makes me go, oh, I never thought of that or would never think of that. But here we are. Here we are. Here we are. Yeah. I get nervous to answer these questions because I'm like, is it like a personality test where it says something? Right. You know how they say if you like the smell of gasoline, that means you also like red licorice. My fact.
I'm making this up. Oh. And then if you like the smell. Because I like the smell of gasoline, but I do enjoy black licorice. Okay. Okay. The plot thickens. Yeah. I do have one fact, which is. Yeah, please. I wonder if this is where this is coming from for Bella is that in England alone, every year for the holidays, British people use enough wrapping paper that they could wrap the moon.
What? That is a true fact. Who is crunching these useless numbers? Mayfax. If you take the surface area of the moon, every year British people are using enough wrapping paper that they could wrap the entire moon. Well, then they need to pull it back a bit. That's a little much. But most importantly, do you like red or black licorice? Red. Yeah, I would prefer red to black. But I don't really love either. Did you know rabbits love licorice? Have I told you that before on this podcast? Mayfax.
I think it's, I swear I've said that before. How would that have ever come up? I still don't understand why all those British folks are wrapping so many presents. Or the moon. Why are they wrapping the moon? Yeah.
My family at Christmas was like, we're not going to wrap all the Santa stuff. So we saved on some wrapping paper there. Wait, your parents said that? I mean, once I got to the point where the gig was up. What do you call it? The jig is up. The gig. The gig or the jig. When you realized it was a figma of your imagination. Santa's gig is up. Oh my gosh.
That's when I was like, why aren't we wrapping? They're like, why would we also do that? I'm not really into wrapping. I'm not really into presents, but if you must get me one, don't wrap it. I'm not really into presents either, except for like a gift card. Oh, yeah. I know this about you.
I just drank the coffee that was given to me in South Dakota. That was a handsome blend. Oh, nice. Yeah. They made a handsome blend and it had the package had quotes from our podcast. Wait, what are you talking about? Did I never tell you guys? No, no. What? We posted it on the Instagram, but it was on the stories. You might not have seen it. I went to South Dakota. Gosh, now I can't remember the name of the coffee shop.
What? It's a very gay-friendly coffee shop. Clearly. It's not owned by a gay person, but gay allies. And this was in, where did I perform? Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I wonder if there's a woman out there in the world named Sioux Falls. Yeah.
There's gotta be. Or even a boy. A boy named Sue falls. So I went and got coffee there. And then later at the show, the owner's sister came. And the owner had made me a blend of beans. And it said handsome on the bag. And it had little quotes from...
Show What a sweet thing to do And they had gotten like Some Yelp reviews saying like There's a lot of gays that work there Called them a name or something And so the company Made shirts That sort of embraced it And it was really cool I gotta find the name of this place God dang it Well again take your time Silently scroll
you guys talk nope we both just freeze and watch you scroll i i have some uh either or questions i can fire at you guys oh please yeah okay dill pickle or bread and butter oh oh so like a savory pickle or a sweet pickle right no fortune no you're not listening
Dill pickle or bread and butter. Bread and butter is not sweet. But it's not a pickle. It's not a pickle, Fortune. Bread and butter is not a pickle. You've got to know that. Dill pickle or bread and butter pickle. Fortune, you have to know bread and butter is not. Was pickle anywhere? Oh, found it. Found it. It's called the break.
The breaks. Everyone head on over to the breaks and get a cup of handsome coffee. Well, it's not for sale, but maybe it would be. Look at that. Handsome. Anyway, were we not talking about pickles? Fortune. I said, would you rather eat a dill pickle or bread and butter? But bread and butter is not a type of pickle. It is a thing. A bread and butter. It's a sweet pickle.
And it's called a bread and butter pickle? Thomas, am I crazy? There is a bread and butter pickle. Yeah. Oh, my whole, my world. I feel like I have been vindicated. You've been gaslit. I had no idea. I think my, well, clearly because I wasn't paying attention. I was trying to find this coffee shop. I heard dill.
And then bread and butter. So I thought the question was, what do you prefer pickle-wise? Nothing better than a boring misunderstanding explained. Okay, chocolate sauce or maple syrup? Well, first let me answer bread. Bread.
Was that one of the options? Bread and butter. Fortune. I'm going to pick bread and butter. Okay. I'm going dill. I'm going bread and butter. But it's, of course, a vegan butter. Yeah. Of course. What's the next one, Mae? Chocolate sauce or maple syrup? Maple syrup. Chocolate sauce. Dim sum or birthday cake? Wait, why didn't you answer, Mae? Oh, maple syrup, of course. Oh, okay. Of course. The Canadian. Okay.
Dim sum or birthday cake? Oh, birthday cake, baby. Oh my gosh, that's brutal. I'm dim sum. Birthday cake. Whoa. I'm gimme dim sum cake. Oh, that's good, Fortune. Oh, that's actually very good. I think that might be your new closer. Gimme dim sum cake. Gimme dim sum cake. Gimme dim sum cake. Anyway, moving on. How can we possibly move on from that?
It's the greatest closer in all of comedy. Ancient Egypt or medieval times? Medieval times for me. Ancient Egypt for me. Ancient Egypt for me, yeah. Oh, you don't want to clunk around in some thing? I studied ancient Egypt in the college. It was fascinating. Okay, what about Tom Hanks or Tom Cruise? Tom Hanks, baby.
cruise for me well it's hard when my face says cruise yeah your face and jawline says cruise you gotta go cruise
But, you know, I'm going to name drop. I know Tom Hanks. You do? Oh, boy. Yes, I do. I love Tom Hanks. He's the best. I'm going to go Tom Hanks, you know, because I'm sporting the Cruz face. Do you know that that's Stephanie's one male celebrity crush was Tom Cruz? And she married this face? She married Tom Cruz. The lesbian Tom Cruz? Yeah. Do people ever call you...
The lesbian Tom Cruise? No. Oh, okay. Moving on.
I mean, I have about 250 either ors, but I'm not going to... Let's do two more. Okay, would you rather travel back in time and be at Woodstock or travel back in time to be an invisible observer of one day of your own life? Whoa. And you're invisible in both scenarios? Like at Woodstock, you can just roam around, you can walk backstage, whatever. You got the whole day. Or you can pick a day in your own life. Yeah. And you can, yeah, just watch it play out. This is tough because...
Woodstock's like incredible. Yeah. And like, how could you not want to see that? But then like, if I could like see my grandma, that'd be pretty great too. And if you could see grandma's problem area, that would be something else.
Extra bonus. But now what day in your life? You just choose any day? Yeah, you can choose it. But it's not like you can go, oh, I want to go back to the day where I went on that trip. It's like you need to give the date and year.
Oh, yeah, Woodstock. You choose Woodstock? Yeah. Yeah, I guess I choose. Even though I love my grandma, I'll just carry that memory with me because I had it, but I've never seen Woodstock in person. And what if I chose a day that was just me sick in bed or something and then I have to watch that for 24 hours? Oh.
It'd be pretty riveting to watch Little Tidge and Beth. Me getting a spanking. Oh, God. Oh, God. It would really mess with you if you saw the wrong thing. Ow! Because there's no way for us to know the actual day, and we might get it wrong. Ow! Me doing school announcements.
Hey, everybody. There's a chess club meeting after school. Please meet Mr. Johnson's class at 3 p.m. if you want to be in the chess club. Is that the only thing that was going on at your school was chess club? And sports.
If I could go back in time to a day in your childhoods, I would probably pick that over Woodstock. No, don't do that. You'll be sorely disappointed. Fortune announcing chess club and me sniffling in bed. I'm like, God, I could have been at Woodstock. These two are going to be stars, baby. And everyone's like, these two? That's right. These two. Yeah.
Okay, last one. Okay. Primal scream or secret whisper? Secret whisper. Yeah, I guess whisper. Mae? I know in my heart that I need a primal scream. That's why I'm walking on my tiptoes. I got to go do a primal scream and then walk on my full foot. Fair enough. You got to get it out, Mae. But you got to be careful on your tiptoes now that you have a propeller on your hat because you might take off. I can take off.
One big gust, one strong gust. Even the slightest gust. I'm on my tiptoes because I'm wearing a wedge. You're wearing a little piece of wood, you mean. When I was a kid, I was such a picky eater. Oh my gosh, I only liked, speaking of pickles, I loved pickles, cheese, and, you know, chips and whatever. But my mother and grandmother used to tell me that
if I didn't eat something more substantial than cheese and pickles and whatever chips, that I was going to blow away to Windville. Oh. And that was a town where scrawny little kids, the wind just blew you away and you lived in Windville. And I remember as a kid playing and just thinking when the wind would pick up, I was like, eh, I'll just take my chances. Yeah.
Oh, my God. Were you kind of curious about what was going on? I had a slight fear I was going to end up in Windville, but I was so enthralled in what I was doing out in the yard that I just thought, eh.
I'm just going to stay focused. And if I end up in Windville, I end up in Windville. I love the idea of a town full of these waif-like little string children that all just kind of flutter around. No one told me about this town because they weren't worried I was going to get blown away in Windville. Well, lucky you that you could just play without any concern about ending up in Windville. Yeah.
I had two big fat feet firmly planted on the ground. Firmly planted. Yeah. Gotta get firmly planted. Should we hear what Bella has to say? So it's, Bella said that they had a theory. Oh yeah. Let's hear Bella's theory. Someone needs a theory. Someone needs one. I am vehemently, vehemently. How do you say that? Vehemently against biting towels. I have bitten towels before.
Not frequently, but I have bitten a towel and it was maybe the worst experience of my life. I still remember it. So biting towels is an absolute no-go. Biting foil, however, completely fine. I would love to bite foil. It actually seems like it would be quite nice to bite foil. And in my experience, people who... You're either one way or the other. You either can bite towels or you can bite foil. Maybe the occasional few can do both, but I'm absolutely...
all for biting foil, very against biting towels.
Wow. Wow. Okay. That's the opposite of me. Also, what was the theory? Oh, the theory is you're one or the other. Strongly one or the other. Vehemently. Vehemently. A no-go. And I'm sorry, where are they from? Oh, you know, England. Somewhere. Yeah, I can't remember what part. Like, I want to say Surrey, but I made that up. And would you, May...
Just dazzle me with some Debbie. Oh, hello, Tick. How are you? Did I not tell you? I only take cash.
I do go about my life thinking about, of course, I loved meeting Debbie, but man, hearing your accents kick in, especially Debbie. Thank you. Oh, I'm honored. Yeah, I am too. When I get my car cleaned, take your own Costco. Costco. It's a no-go. Hello, Alex. I guess that's so funny, endlessly funny that...
She called you Alex and then realized a half hour later, did I call you Alex? I know. And then said I looked exactly like him and then showed me a picture of him. I look nothing like this man. He's like a sort of 25 year old Greek man with dark brown hair. There he is. Well, interesting. Yeah, we've learned a lot today. I might go bite some foil just to see if I hate it as much as I think I will. I have to say, I don't think I have.
purposely bitten foil before, but I have bitten into like a sandwich and a little piece of foil got in my mouth and I did not like that. No. Yeah. Yeah. Now that you mention it. I mean, do you like anything to be accidentally bitten off into your sandwich? Oh my God. Yeah. Guys, I bought a hot dog on the street in Toronto. They call it street meat. It's like a grilled hot dog in Toronto. I bite into it. Clang. Oh,
I pull, there's a wire, a metal wire going straight through the center of my hot dog. And so I go to the guy and I go, there's a wire in my wiener, you know? And he goes, he goes, do you want another one? Sorry, there's a wire in my dong. Sorry, there's a wire in my penis.
And he's like, do you want another one? I'm like, no. Yeah, God, no. I know. What the fuck? Oh, that's disgusting. That would be jarring. I hate that kind of stuff where you're biting into something. And I saved Biggie's life yesterday because he was... That's my dog. Yeah.
Yeah, we know. And we were walking him and I looked down and I see something in his mouth and I go, drop that. And he ate it even more. So I had to drop down and I pulled this long thing out and it was this like old chicken skin. So I pulled it out of his mouth and I go, like, cause that was so, I would, I wish so bad someone had been filming. Yeah.
Because I was like literally gagging. Pulling out old chicken skin. Yeah.
but i didn't know what it was so i was like literally gagging on the sidewalk and jackson's dying laughing and she didn't jump in to save her entire family you were both about to die i saved biggie's life for sure i did something so disgusting when i was a young adult i would never do this now
And this might make you start heaving, Fortune. Oh, gosh. Oh, God. And if anybody wants to pause this episode to go subscribe to our show, feel free. Yeah. What I did, I went out to eat. And this still hasn't killed Vietnamese food for me because certain things, you get a bad memory or you get sick on it. You can't ever have it again.
I was eating my bowl and I spied a little roach in there. I ate around it until they replaced it. No. I would never. I would never. What possessed you? That bowl was so good. I just left that little roach over to the side.
I do love Vietnamese food. Yeah, see, it didn't kill it for you. And we are now auctioning off a dinner with me at this restaurant. Oh my gosh. Well, what a day. What a day. We have a couple things to remind our lovely listeners about. We do. We have merch. Yeah, do we ever. And we want to make more merch, like more stickers and stuff.
But yeah, thanks to everyone who's bought it so far. And check it out. There's very good stuff. Handsomepod.com. Yeah. People love it. We have very fun shirts. We have an awesome, handsome hat, a tote bag, and some stickers that people are really loving. Those are flying off the shelf. They're flying off the shelf. And we're going to keep...
You know, there's so many fun quotes that there will be more things coming. So if you want your merch. Maybe we could do a poll online of different quotes. Because that's the thing. We don't know what the quotes are. You guys are telling us what ones you like. We're like just living our lives and talking. But then you're like, well, that's ridiculous. So yeah, tell us what you want on the sticker. So go to handsomepod.com for any of that. We also have a live...
streaming show. You want to tell them about that, Tig? I would. I'd love to tell you about this live streaming show. Tickets sold out immediately for the actual in-person part. But here's the amazing, amazing thing about this show. Anywhere on the globe or in outer space, you can buy a ticket to watch this show. And you know what I'm even going to say? I'm
why don't you get a little viewing party together with some friends? That's a good idea. With some of your handsomest friends or maybe some pretty little ladies, some people that are big fans of the show, or maybe they've never even heard us and you're like, this will be a great way to bring them in. Send us pictures of your viewing party. Yeah, that would be great. But please make sure you're a pineapple apart. Yeah.
Good point, Mae. Good point. And the link lasts for... That's the thing. Even if there's a time difference, I think for the whole week, if you buy your live streaming ticket. So you can watch it whenever you want that week. You don't have to watch it live. But try and watch it live. It might be fun. Where do they go to the link? DynastyTypeWriter.com for tickets. It's going to be our first in-person show.
In front of a live audience. I'm going to be wearing a propeller hat galore. It's going to be really fun. And if you enjoyed our podcast, go, uh,
Subscribe if you haven't done that. Give us a five star. Leave us a review. We love hearing feedback from you guys. And it just helps us spread the word and get more handsome folks on board. Well, and that's the thing is people are always asking like, I'm scared the show's going to go away. What do I do? How do I? I don't want you to stop doing the show.
Here is what's key. The more subscribers we have, the more it secures us in the show. Makes it sustainable. Yeah. Spread the word because we want to keep doing it. Yeah. May, do you have anything you want to tell our lovely handsomes about?
I'm at Largo December 11th Largo in Los Angeles doing like a holiday extravaganza with very special surprise guests it's gonna be really fun awesome what about you I'm doing my my stand-up tour right now after Christmas I'm gonna be in st. Petersburg Orlando Jacksonville and West Palm Beach Florida then in the new year I have tons of shows Eugene Oregon Vancouver I'm
Burlington, Vermont, D.C. And then I'm going to Europe. I'm going to be in London and Amsterdam the end of January and just added some more shows in Denver, Wisconsin, Houston. Go to fortunefeimster.com for those tickets.
Tig. I will be in Los Angeles January 19th, the Dynasty Typewriter. Then I'll be College Park, Maryland January 26th, which I believe is Eddie Van Halen's birthday. Woo. Yeah. Then I'll be in Waterville, Maine March 9th. So go to tignotaro.com for all show news.
and ticket information we love you guys we appreciate you uh listening to the show yes and and guys keep it handsome handsome is hosted by me may martin tignotaro and fortune feimster the show is produced recorded and edited by thomas willett email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod what a podcast what a podcast what a podcast