Atsuko Okatsuka asks about signature hairstyles
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Hello, it's your friend Tig Notaro on the Handsome Pod and I'm sitting here with my co-host. Your friend Mae Martin. And your other friend Fortune Feimster. Oh.

Oh, looking handsome. Just a couple of friends. No, more than a couple. A triad. A triad of your best friends. Sitting here perfectly normal. Nothing. Just having a lovely hang. Having some whisk. Having some whisk. That's short for whiskey. Yes. And also long for a whisk.

i have to confess that's an old joke of mine oh really it did seem to come pretty quick yeah yeah well i am quick i do know that about you okay so i'm slow and i've been coming up with short for wisconsin for the past 45 seconds that's pretty good thanks but when i say my name and people ask oh is that short for something and i say no it's long for it's fair

- That's very good. - That's another good one. - Yeah, it's good. I thought it was short for tidge. - Well, of course. - I feel like in your brain there's just like a filing cabinet of bits that you can just like pull from it. Like your fit upstairs of you like falling into a bar. - No, being thrown out of a bar. - Oh, thrown out of a bar. Yeah, okay, okay.

yeah that makes more sense yes yeah did you understand it correctly um i thought you were like getting out of a brawl or something well no i guess maybe i forgot to mention that i have somebody behind me that yells and stay out oh see that was important to the bit so when i'm in new york people hang out on the sidewalks chatting smoking whatever

And then I like to throw myself out of the door of a bar. Yeah. And then look back while I'm like dusting myself off. And it's good to have someone in the bar that yells and stay out.

And then you just walk off. That does sell it. Have you ever, have you been kicked out of a bar before? No. Me neither. Have you? Yeah. Maybe for, maybe just for being underage as a teenager, I think. Of course. It's one bar called Timeless that you knew that you could drink if you were like 10. And we would all go. And then one day I think that because he cracked down, he just was like, this is out of hand. It's full of kids. Oh no.

- No, wait, literally 10? - No, like 14, kind of on, yeah. - Wow, and someone definitely looks 14 when they're 14. - Yeah, exactly. - You currently look 14. - Thank you so much. And he would like, in a way, it was kind of a safe place. - What about me? - Oh, sorry, I'm so sorry. You look, yeah, you look 14. - Thank you. - Well, the bar's called timeless. Time does not exist. - Yeah. - That's true. - That could have been y'all's argument. - Yeah. - It felt like it kind of,

island of lost but it was like a safe place to drink as well what was your drink of choice

50 this beer called 50 it tastes like pee and water we would just drink 50s okay and do you have you ingested urine before have you ever been lost in a desert or even on track in a desert like exactly knowing where you're going have you but are people in a desert going somewhere

- Yeah, you might be just going to the Oasis. - Yeah, you might wanna let, yeah, you're walking your camel over to get a sip from the Oasis. - Okay. - I don't think I've ever drunk pee. - I can answer this with certainty. I've never drank pee. - Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. - Any interest?

I love that you're like, I'm not sure. Yeah, it seems like the kind of like prank I would... But no, I definitely haven't. I definitely haven't drunk pee. Okay. Well, you don't sound like you're lying or anything. But it's like, I feel interrogated. Have you drunk pee? Yeah. Have you? Why? No. Okay. You're very convincing. I...

would if I was dying of thirst for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you're in a situation of survival. Yeah. Well, how long? When do you know you're about to die of thirst? Well, your body just tells. Oh, is this a mayfax? Well, you're looking for some numbers and stats. Well, crunch. You can't. You can not drink water for days.

seven days I think eating you can go 21 days without eating y'all should google this for you yeah don't no one try this at home but oh oh a million anything may is saying let me be clear you should always follow yeah yeah yeah this is a comedy podcast if you have any criticisms or

Or questions. This is a comedy podcast. Go ahead. You cannot eat for 21 days, but I think drinking is like three days. Thomas? Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Here's my question. I just jumped from seven to three. Seven to three is a big difference. 22 days? 21. You're out? With no food. Right. But at day 22, goner. God, I can't barely skip one meal. That's crazy.

That would be difficult. Well, and then also I remember during Hurricane Katrina. Yeah. Like I remember this story about some guy that was like in his car

garage like in the rafters for I think almost two weeks. Oh yeah that's the thing all these things are mutable right? If you can meditate if you're the Dalai Lama. None of us are the Dalai Lama. Are we not? No. You can will yourself to live maybe past the three to seven days. Well maybe he was drinking his urine. The guy in Hurricane Katrina or the Dalai Lama? Yeah anybody really. Or a doll that looked

it's like a llama i don't know oh god i think it's one of your best yeah i'm having a hard time looking at you too why why i don't know no reason huh okay okay well um so uh for those of you that watch our youtube channel you'll understand

Why I said that. I've never felt better and more myself. Oh, good. Yeah. How about you? It looks very natural. Does it? Yes. I will tell you guys, I just got back from Europe and I went to Paris, London and Amsterdam. Had shows in London and Amsterdam. A lot of handsome fans. Real. Out there. Yeah. I love that. A lot of handsome fans. I've mentioned the podcast and got a lot of woo-woos.

And there's a bunch of people wearing a handsome shirt. Again, YouTube followers, check this out.

people that are listening I hope you can hear fortune shirt I'm wearing a handsome t-shirt yeah do you think do Amsterdam handsome listeners maybe pronounce panties ponties they probably do and so they don't get the joke they don't get the joke and they're like yeah they um I'm not nailing the Dutch accent but there was a lot of like I like handsome very very good podcast handsome yeah you really aren't laughing

I apologize to all of our Dutch listeners. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're not going to be known for that. Okay. Yeah, well. Oh, you would be pretty pumped about this. It wasn't vegan. However, I had a really cool four-course vegetarian experience in Amsterdam, but like a high-end, like super foodie. Yeah. And the restaurant's in a greenhouse. I've seen that.

this place i've been to it's called yeah uh 80 percent of what they serve they grow themselves and it was one of the best meals i've ever had really what how did you land there because obviously there's many four-star restaurants a fan had told me about it she said this is one of the best meals i've had it's in a greenhouse it's really cool i looked it up it looked

cool and I knew it was near the end of our trip and I knew by that point Jax would really want healthier food and fresh you know and I like the idea that they grow almost all of it. What were you eating before? I mean you know when you're in Europe there's a lot of pastries. And Amsterdam's like they're famous for just like

meat and gravy mayonnaise on their fries this one was really cool I mean it was like celery mayonnaise on a rice cracker I was like there's no way I'm gonna like this it was and I don't like celery it was so good the butter was like made with mushroom that was incredible you don't have to sell me on it I know but I'm just telling you because I figured you'd love the veggie situation beet

Roasted beets with like a brown butter sauce, which is weird to think of the combo. It was so good. Some kind of root vegetable. And the main dish was a mushroom. Yeah, imagine that. The main dish. This is a bit of a may fact. But, you know, they recently found out cave people. Thank you for doing the non-binary. Yes. Yes.

They thought were mainly meat eaters, but it's reversed that they were mostly plant based and maybe 20% eating meat. Really? And like foraging? Because they hadn't. Yeah, they had no agriculture yet. Wow, that's cool. Yeah. So any cave people in the... Not that I know of. Good question. I'm not sure. Let me think. And did you do any like...

sort of touristy Amsterdam thing like did you go to the red light district I mean we walked through it just because it's part of the um that area you're not like it's not like you're going down an alley to find it it's just you're walking through the area anyway it's there but I've been that was like my third trip to Amsterdam so I'd seen that before and you and Jax didn't get a prostitute you didn't get it I can you imagine hello ma'am

They're all in the window smoking a cigarette. No, I know. Again, would you like my Dutch accent? Let's hear it. Hello, would you like to come in and...

Make sexy time that see that was kind of those borat You were all over there Fortune cross the pond. I don't think they do a lot of Ladies stuff. I think I think they're like if they do a lady situation. It's a couple male female Looks like someone looked into it Okay

I like walking through there and then I get really giggly when someone like waves at me from a window. And then I found out that the time slots you're getting are only like 15 minutes. I didn't realize that. You're getting... They get right to it. People are going in, you got 15 minutes. Fortune! What do you mean they get right to it? Get right to what? You're paying...

How much is it? Let's drop the facade here. I did not research it. What did you pay? I have no idea how much it costs. Okay. Like we're fools. Yeah. What do you think you're talking to? We're Poirot over here. I'm too much of a square. I could never get a prostitute. Yeah. What about you, Mae? I would get a sex worker. Yeah. Like if... Yeah. I haven't. But if the situation... You know, if I was...

Really lonely and yeah, I'm not against it like philosophically. Right, right. And I'm realizing because you just said sex worker. I'm very familiar with that term and I use it. But is prostitute not okay now? I don't know. I'm not up to date, but I feel like I hear sex worker more. During my research, I was going. I don't. I really don't know. I feel like when I first moved to England, I looked into whether there was a market for prostitutes.

like escorts for women and that I could maybe be an escort. You could be the escort. Yeah. For, for like, you'd get a lot of people paying some good money for that. I couldn't find, there's no market for it. Oh yeah. I couldn't find like, uh, there was no existing like agency that would, I'm sorry. What? There's not, it's only the female escorts for the men. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, so there's, there's not enough of a demand of like older women looking for,

People like this guy. A non-binary. Because the women in general aren't doing that as much as men, right? They're looking for that. I guess so, yeah. Probably zero. There's clearly some people looking for it. Oh, right. Oh, sorry. I forgot. You just outed yourself. Does anyone want to come into my window? Oh, come to my window. Guys, we get it. Is that what the song is about?

Come to my window. Closer to fine. Come to my window. Hello. Come into my window. Wait a minute. Hold on. Melissa Etheridge does not end that sentence with, ah! Like she has a bad mouth. Come to my window. Ah! Ah!

Come inside, wait by the light of the moon. We got to get a question from Melissa. Oh my God. Do you remember when there was all that talk around who was the sperm donor of her? Oh yeah. Do you remember that? It was me. It was you. Yeah. And it was on Oprah and everything. It was the... Crosby. Crosby. Yeah, David Crosby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was so...

I mean, like ahead of its... They were on the cover of Rolling Stone. That was ahead of its time. And it was...

Melissa and her wife and the kids and David and his wife all on the cover of Rolling Stone. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Katie, Katie Lang followed me on Instagram and I got really excited today. I got so excited. And then I saw it. It's like Katie Lang's management. Oh no. It's like, it's a fan page. For sure. Katie Lang doesn't run this page. There's no way.

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Annie Lang might pop in on Instagram every now and then. She's too busy out sort of farming. Yeah, looking into the horizon. Yeah. Like standing in a pasture and staring off. Just being handsome in a pasture. Yeah. I don't want to brag, but the folks at Sing Joe and the Button Factory followed me on Instagram. Well, look at you. We need to talk about this.

We need to... Sharon, Lewis, and Bram. Sharon, Lewis, and Bram. They're Canadian. Yeah, they're Canadians. But I've never seen a response bigger than that people were so outraged that me and Tig didn't know. About an imaginary song. It's a children's song. It's not real. Joe and the Button Factory, for those of you handsome listeners who've been following along. It was AI. A few episodes ago, I introduced Joe and the Button Factory song.

- Tig and May looked at me like I was an alien, literally said no one's heard of the song. And then-- - Turns out we were right. - Our friends from Canada, you guys wouldn't know them because they were famous for singing ♪ Skidamarinky dinky dink skidamarinky dink ♪ - Now that's a tune. - You don't know that song either? - Well, I don't need to be treated like this.

I don't know what got into you this morning. They were a huge part of my childhood. You're saying, yeah, but I still maintain that the button song, they're just in on this ruse now because it never existed. I feel like the song was more obscure. One of theirs, but thank you, but they covered it. I feel like,

- Our handsome pod talking about it, they posted, they tagged me and tagged us, the handsome pod, and put their song on both Instagram and TikTok, and it went viral, my friends. - The song that they made up based on you making up a song. - I don't think they wrote the song. - No one wrote the song. - But the handsome pod made Joe the Button Factory go viral. - You said it got four million views?

I think it's crazy that you went online and you created thousands of bots and fake accounts just to go on Instagram and comment on our clip and be like, I love that song. Was it worth it? There's a song of over 4 million views.

Well, when we're doing a live show in Canada, we should have them make an appearance. Oh, my God. I don't want to brag, but they did reach out to me and said, we'd love to sing a song with you. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm dead serious. Okay. I mean, I can put in a good word for you, too. I went to see them live when I was a kid. Chatting with friends on the handsome board. Chatting with them. Since I'm friends with them now, I could probably ask them, hey, can we all collaborate? Yeah.

I think they'd be into it. On a children's song? They're in Toronto. You're saying essentially that I can get Harry Styles. Yeah, that's how we're acting. It's our childhood version of that. I mean, we can sing with Melissa Etheridge to whoever you'd like, but I'm just saying... Come to my button factory!

♪ Come inside ♪ ♪ Wait by the light of the moon ♪ I can't wait to put out an album. - I used to do this VR boxing workout where I'd be wearing my thing and then the music was Melissa. You got to choose it out of a handful of options. - The boxing part had Melissa in it? - Yeah, and I would choose ♪ Come to my ♪ - Why do you box? - I'd be boxing alone in my apartment. - Do you start it off with, "I dare you to"?

Come to my window. Yeah, it was really like incongruous music for that. I'd be sweating and it was really cathartic. I feel like this is the second time we've talked about Melissa Etheridge, Come to My Window. Is it? Probably. I think so. Oh, I think our last live show was when we talked about it. Oh, okay. You did a thing about the window part. Oh, the lyrics, yeah. Yeah, because she's saying...

"Come to my window, I'll be home soon." So some girl is like sitting in her window. - Wait by the light of the moon. - Wait there, like what a move. Like, "Hey listen, little missy, come over here, wait by my window by the light of the moon, I'll be home soon." - That's what you know they're into. - "I'm at your window."

-But when, Melissa? -I told you I will be home soon. -When I get done with the button factory. -When I'm finished with this other broad's window. -Yes, that was at our live show, so people didn't stream it. They didn't see that whole hilarious bit. -You missed it. -You missed it. -I feel like I had a Sharon Lois and Bram dinner, Matt. -Back to this. -Yes, all right. We got to move on.

Do you remember dinner mats? Yes, of course. I was a child. Do they still make them? I haven't looked into it. Because do your kids have dinner? Like that was big. You'd have your dinner mat. Yes, my kids have dinner. I did not have a dinner mat. I was raised by wolves.

Really? Yeah, it was a free-for-all. Your food would go wherever. I would have a plastic dinner mat. And as a kid, you just study every speck of that dinner mat. And you know the picture so well. Yeah. I haven't seen one. That must be nice. I should get my kids one. I was breastfeeding on a wolf. Yes, I was. On the teat. That's why I'm half beast. Yeah.

Should we get into our question? I mean, sure, since you don't want to talk about our childhood songs anymore. Well, I mean, I knew like Mary had a little lamb and stuff. Do you know this is a song that never ends? Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was. They'll continue singing it forever just because this is a song that never ends.

Was that a Canadian song? Am I just very in tune with Canadians? I know, what's going on here? Was that a Canadian song? It was Lamb Chopped. I don't know. Have you never heard it? Lamb Chopped, yeah. Oh, that little puppet? I also, part of it was that I was a Girl Scout. This is coming up again. No, but I'm just saying, a lot of these things I think stem from me being a Girl Scout. I was a Brownie. Okay. Okay, now we can talk. Now you have some common ground.

Pull your chair up, bud.

Wait, you guys should know about how long you can not drink or drink in your pee and food. Well, brownies go to like what, age nine, ten? I don't know. I did it once and I was like. Just one season? Yeah. You're like, I'm out. There was some song that they would sing called like something like some friends are golden, some are silver. Oh, make new friends. Oh, make new friends. Yeah.

One is silver. Have you ever. Gold. Do you know that one? No. Two against one. I love Girl Scouts. What would you do in Girl Scouts? Just still. Eat cupcakes. No. Back in the day. You put on a little green suit and ate cupcakes. Just eat cupcakes and braid each other's hair. I just love being in a room full of girls. Yeah, yeah. Putting lotion on each other. Putting lotion on each other's arms. Cuddling in sleeping beds.

This is my jam. This is like me at camp. It's like a horny time, but you don't know what it is. It's a horny time. You're just rubbing... But you don't really understand. How old were you? I mean, I started at five and went to 12. See, I was smoking in the woods. I know. It was not... Huckleberry Tig. Huckleberry Tig had to get out of there. I just needed to be around...

the girls my age I needed the boys to not be in the picture right so this was like I was like y'all need to leave me be with Jessica

Nobody knew I was a girl, so I didn't need anyone to leave. And plus, I was also, did you water ski in the swamps? No. Oh, see, that's what I was skiing in the swamps. I was like smoking and water skiing in the swamps. With like alligators around? Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Like off the back of a motorboat? Yeah.

Yeah. Or off of the pier too. Oh my God. And, you know, I tell people about that and they're like, no way. And then I saw my brother and I was like,

"You used to water ski in the swamps, right?" He's like, "Yeah." I was like, "Okay." I started to think I made it up. -That's insane. -But it takes from the bayou. It's just different. You're water skiing, smoking a cigarette, you're five. -I was wetting my pants. -We had a whole different situation. Wetting my cut-off shorts, no shirt on. I didn't wear a shirt when I was little. I'd swim in just swim shorts. Nothing's changed.

at 10 they were like what is y'all's favorite tv show and everyone was like you know beverly hills 1910 or whatever it was i was like the golden girls i was just in a different situation i have one water skiing camp story but

I mentioned my camp counselor once before and then she messaged me and was like, you're talking about me again and using my full name? - No! - 'Cause I said Katie Anderson was my big crush at camp. - You said it again. - But look, we're pals now, I'm going to her wedding at some point I think. - She's like, do you really have to say first name, last name? - I know and then I just did it again. - Do you have her social security number? - Yeah, and it's 312. So she was like the coolest,

to me yeah i don't know if other people felt this way but she was like the coolest counselor at camp and she was in charge of water skiing and i wanted to hang with her in the boat rather than have to get wet and get cold and be like and i just wanted to be near her yeah and hanging out and she wore like oakley sunglasses and like hoodie and cool so cool and um what's her number yeah so it

So one day I show up, I sign up to water skiing. I'm like, oh, I'll talk to Katie and I'll tell her this joke or whatever. It's fact. And then I show up. Excuse me. Do you know how many teeth sharks have? I don't know.

Hello? So I was like, oh, if I go and I don't bring my bathing suit, I won't have to go in the water. So I show up because it's the other side of camp and I trudge over there. And I'm like, well, I forgot my bathing suit. So I guess I got to sit in the boat with you. And she's like, no, you got to get in the water in your clothes. What? Yeah. And I was like, what? And she made me get into my jeans. Katie's a real bitch. Fortune. I think.

I think Katie was, I think I was playing into it and I loved it, but she was like, get it. So I went in my jeans and my hoodie and I, I know for sure you were playing into it. Oh, I was like, yeah, it's playing this like low status, like pour it. And then I try to get attention. And then, so I just remember like the weight of these clothes and the water and it was knee boarding actually. Oh,

I'm lying there and then the so the boat starts and you got to pull yourself up onto your knees like my swamp in a Canadian Lake and like my wet maybe like flapping a notion a huge well no this one was a little guy and then She I don't know she remembers doing this but basically she got the other counselor to take the wheel and she turned she flashed me and I

you know, a normal person would be like, ha ha ha. I let go of the rope and I just like wiped out on the like, and it was like my body was hitting concrete. Like I just wiped out. Was that your first time to see boobs? Now I know why she doesn't want you to use her first name last name. I think she was wearing a bikini or something. I don't know, but I just was like,

gun I just wiped out I saw cleavage oh those were the days yeah I used to get real sad when she talked about her boyfriend oh my god that was always a buzz kill can we stop talking about Steve yeah he's not good enough for you you could have all of this

I also got her phone number and then called her. I mean, I was 14. I called her. She was at university. She was like four years old. Wow. And I remember calling her dorm from a pay phone outside my school. You're like, I'm at timeless. Would you like to meet for a 50 at timeless? Yeah. I remember her being like, cool. Anything. Was there anything else you wanted to say? Like, I was just like, anyway, how are things?

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- Oh my God, you both were like little Macs at 14, Macing on people. - Me? - Yeah. - I wasn't. - You were smoking cigs? - I was just smoking and water skiing with alligators. - You weren't being a little Mac? - No, no, no, no. Nobody knew I was, nobody knew my gender. Nobody knew what was going on. I just had a greasy bowl haircut. - Gotcha. - And which time of year

ties in nicely to our guest. Yeah. Okay. Whose hair is not greasy, but that was my hairstyle of choice for a long time. So who is our guest today? So our guest today is a tremendously funny person that I like to claim that I discovered because there is a show that Netflix was making about

Where you discover new talent and help nurture them. And then the person that wins this competition gets their own hour. Well, the pandemic hit. Everything went away. The show was canceled. Never aired. But guess who I chose and who went on to explode and got her own HBO special?

and I directed it. - It's a good origin story. - Wow. - Who are you referring to? - Well, that's not all. She is a nationally touring headliner, one of the funniest comics out there working today, and a dear friend, Otsuko Okotsuka. - Otsuko's so funny. - So funny. - And so unique. - Funny bones, like really. - Yeah, like unique, there's,

In comedy, you know, when people say you got to find your voice, there is that, which means, you know, what is your angle and what are you talking about? But also your delivery and just the way you use words and your inflection. And she has her own thing going on. Very much. And that special really popped and very bright. And her outfit looked great. And her jokes were funny. Like it really, like you turn it on and it,

Stood out. Yes, and she also wears earrings like that are in the shape of a cheeto or eggs Not even in a shape of a cheeto. I think they use an actual cheeto and like, you know And then they dip it in something Well, let's hear our question from Otzko. Hey handsome, this is Otzko I have a question for you

Okay, so you all kind of have iconic looks and haircuts that you stick with. And so do I. And I was wondering if you could choose your next look for your hair, what would it be? Interesting. I mean, it's hard to imagine me without this big beard.

ball of puff it's not hard to i can imagine anything i want at any time and i'm imagining crazy stuff i'm imagining a marge simpson blue oh and pigtails for me pigtails no not that i want but i'm picturing them on you on me yeah i mean i do this character brenda but i wear a wig and she has straight hair people love to straighten my hair yeah they're like i'll get on set somewhere and they'll be like you know what would be the funniest thing to do

we straighten your hair. I'm like, it's been done. I like that they're not even saying, oh, that would look great. They're going to be hilarious. They go straight to like comedy. So I have had it straightened. I look insane. It just doesn't feel right. I have these chubby cheeks. I like having the fluff.

You got a great look for that. It's a great look. Don't mess with it. How long has it been before? The longest was in second grade. Down to your ass, right? Alanis Morissette. Down to the floor. Do you know the country singer, Crystal Gale? No. What? Two against one. Two against one. Who is...

what's her famous song sing it don't it make my brown eyes blue sing it i'm not gonna sing that i don't know this song do you there's so many i i've seen her live and she's got hair down to the floor really yeah but i'm you know is she amish uh she's an amish country singer um my hair was like to mid-back

But I've literally had this same haircut since I was like 18. Yeah. It just works.

But it's crazy. My wife Jax is always like, can you put some product in there? She wants me to keep the curls tight and just in place. But I'm like, it's a wild mess over here. Just let me be. You're a wild tree. Jax has a vision. Well, when my hair looks really good, she's done it. Oh, really? Yeah. But what is really good? I think it looks really good right now. Oh, thank you. This is me.

And I'm not flirting with you. People mistake my kindness as flirting. I was wondering. Okay. Like my specials when my curls are tight and it doesn't look like there's a lot of flyaways. It doesn't look frizzy. Jax has done it. Okay.

Okay, well, I like Frizzy Flyways. I get out of the shower. She puts a bunch of product in it. She gets a diffuser and she scrunches it as she diffuses. You're like her little doll. I am. But if I could change this... I mean, these days there's got to be like an app where you can see...

Like, see what you look like. Different hairstyle. Isn't there a bob in dark? Isn't that kind of a bob? Like a news lady. Oh, yeah. You're pretty news lady-ish. Yeah, like... Especially in that outfit. Here, I'm gonna take it back to you, Bob. Tell us what's going on in the weather today. Thank you, Fortune. Today it is raining. Yeah.

- Well, Bob, that was just a great forecast. I'm very excited about what's to come. At least my plants will be getting some water. - All right, Fortune. - Oh, Bob. - And I'm Steven doing the sports. - I love y'all's mustaches. - What?

What about you guys? You know how when someone is in love with you, they're supposed to be like, it doesn't matter what your hair looks like, but that's not. Anytime I've been like, I think I might go dark brown. Whoever I'm dating is like, nah, don't do it. Blonde is your signature. Do you think? But I dye it. Really? I've not seen it dyed. This is dyed. Oh, that's dyed. I do get my hair sun-kissed as well. Girls!

- My gray is O'Neal. - I'm starting to get grays at my temple. - Well this TV show I'm about to make, I was thinking about that, 'cause my character's a he/him, and like a trans guy who goes by he/him, and I was like thinking, "Oh, maybe I could try something different. "I could go brown." But I'm scared. As I'm saying it, my blood pressure, like I'm feeling, like my blood pressure's rising. - Wow. - I'm scared. - Look how your eyes, ugh.

Like greeny blue? Yeah. For some reason in pictures with your blonde hair they look bluer. I'm getting lost in your eyes right now. Guys, get a room. Don't make my brown eyes blue. I've never seen you without blonde hair. Have you had a different color before? I just sang. I just sang. Oh yeah, that was beautiful. When we were in the middle of something we didn't even hear it. What?

Well, look it up. Don't make my brown eyes blue. Okay, we'll look it up. Crystal Gale. Got it. God, I love the name Crystal. Yeah, me too. And I've always wanted to say to someone, you know why your eyes are so brown? Because you're so full of shit.

I've always wanted to say that. Why are you holding back? I know. I don't know why. I've never had the perfect moment. I'm glad you got that one off your chest. I'm dying to say that to somebody. You know what I've really been wanting to say to someone? Hey, if you come in here acting like that again, I won't let you. I'm just dying to say that. I sometimes, as I'm going through my life, do you guys have imagined arguments with people? Sometimes I'm in a store and then

there's no truth to it but I imagine like what if that person came up to me and said you fucking gay lord and then I'd say to them how dare you you know and I'm like going through the whole that's a good response how dare you also gay lord I don't know well that one stung gay lord would probably be one of the nicer yeah well it just sounds like you're the landlord in like gay people in West Hollywood yeah my gay lord

Yeah. You want your rent? You come get your rent.

Wow, fortune. I've never seen you so upset. Wait, so do you guys think I should go brown for this part? Go brown. Yeah. Mainly because it's scaring the hell out of you. Yeah. So do something different and exciting. That's true. You can also dye your hair not in a permanent way, right? Yeah, that's true. And check it out. Like spray it or something. I don't know. Isn't there like a short term? I don't. Again, this is all natural.

What you are looking at, there's not a thing added to my look that is not natural. It might take me out of myself so I'd feel like more of a character too. Yeah. It might make you just get in that zone more. I might get real depressed. But then you have to go back to blonde, I think. I think so. Once it's done, you got to shake the character off. Yeah. Would you dye your hair blonde? No.

- Eh, no. - It'd be a lot of work. - What do you mean? - You'd have to go sit in a chair and get that done like every, what, four weeks? - You'd have to get Debbie to do it, I think. - Four weeks it takes to dye hair? - No, you don't have to sit for four weeks. - To keep it up. - Oh, I was like, oh my God, no. - Four weeks, nine to five, just to get your hair dyed.

- Just to see if maybe I like it. No, that doesn't interest me. In the 90s, when it was popular to have like,

And maybe it is again or still or never went away, but like dark roots and blonde hair. Oh, yeah. I used to want that. I've wanted that too. I have some wigs that have that. Yeah. Really? Yeah. We can get wigs that have the roots. That's so weird. Yeah, like a kind of River Phoenix or like Blade Runner. I feel like they'd have like bleach blonde and then dark roots. That would be cool. Yeah. I remember seeing that on this one girl going, oh, that looks really... And I never see hair that I'm like...

You know, oh my God, I have got to get that. But you're never clipping out pictures to take to your hairdresser. I know, this is due. How long have you had this style? I mean, it's a shorter version. I think I've had it a long time, but then when I see an old picture of myself, I have a longer, shaggier haircut. So this, I would say I've probably had...

for, I mean, do you really care? It's the part of the question. I'm just trying to get your backstory. I would say I've probably had this haircut maybe four or five years. And I sometimes am very curious. Well, during the pandemic, I got to make a dream come true, which was to cut my own hair. I was always scared to because I

I didn't want to mess it up and be walking around or having to film something. And then when the pandemic hit, I was like, Oh my God, this is amazing. And I just went nuts and I accidentally was good at it. Oh yeah. I'd trust you to cut my hair. I cut my, my father-in-law's hair and Max and Finn's. But yeah, even like that, I don't know if I talked about it on here, but that zombie movie I did. Yeah. That's my own haircut that I did in the pandemic. Um,

done just yeah I had when I was filming the second season of feel good I cut my own hair and tried to get to the back and took like a it was like a bald chunk in the back of my head and so they took from they had to take from a wig and I was doing a sex scene that day take from a wig a long blonde hair and glue it and then trim it so I had like a

patch of fake blonde hair and and I was so worried it was going to come off and just knowing that the person kissing me was feeling this like crusty oh my god little toupee on the back well it's so hard to assume or accept that you look normal yeah when you're filming and you have a wig on or something oh man yeah or you know if you had facial hair or something um

But I am very curious similarly to just shave my head bald. Really? Yeah. I'd shave the side, get a head tattoo, and then grow my hair back. So I know there's a tattoo under there. Wait, you do have a head tattoo? No, I would. I'll get a handsome tattoo. Yeah, please get a handsome one. Thank you. Put it on the list, Thomas. No one asked me to not shave my head. You couldn't? I could not. Come on. I don't know. My hair is my security blanket.

Wait, did you say what kind of hair you'd do? I would do a bob. Dark bob. Oh, right, right, right. And work in the news. And be in the news. Right. I completely blocked you out. I came with a whole new profession and everything. I do, not to acknowledge the stash, but I would do...

Please don't acknowledge the mustache. Sorry. I would probably do this. If I could avoid the kind of puby stage when people are on testosterone and they start trying to grow the facial hair, I want to avoid that in-between stage. If I could have this. And how do you avoid the in-between stage? You can't really. Can you just shave it?

Yeah, I guess you could just keep shaving until it's like... But even my brother can't really grow a beard. Like, I think in my family, we don't really... But I would do, like, a blonde mustache like this, I think. Just for a while. Yeah. I love a mustache. I mean, it looks incredible on you. It's a whole personality. Can y'all tell our audio audience what is on y'all's face? Oh, yeah. If you're listening. No. I'm not.

They'll have to go to YouTube to see what's going on. All right. There's a secret that these two have been hiding this whole episode. It is top secret. I don't have what they have right now. You do. Dare you.

So yeah, go to our YouTube page if you want to see. To see Fortune's mustache. I asked if I should join them and I was told no. It's funny too. Because you didn't seem like you were into it. And then when we were about to record, you're like, should I? Because I felt like the weird one.

well you are you look so weird you look really weird right yeah oh my god fortune and i didn't want to i don't i want to be a handsome team player uh-huh i like the two against one dynamic on every on everything it is it does work for us i'm worried about when i take this off there's going to be like a red line there might be yeah there's going to be a significant kind of whatever it is that you're referring to yeah and what's the problem with that yeah you're

- Right, maybe that's my new thing. - Red line. - You know people get tattoos in their lip, inside. - I have a few of those. - Oh my gosh. - Oh my god. That would be crazy if you opened your mouth and you had Russian prism tattoos all over.

Flip down your lip. Flip down your lip. Surprise. It says Tig. And I did them all myself. I bought a tattoo kit. I have a home tattoo kit. So if you guys do want. I definitely don't. Okay. Fair enough. But.

know did you someone will want to be tattooed by you have you done your own yeah okay oh there is not gonna inspire confidence what is it a mushy is it a marshmallow or something a lot of things like that if you're not watching our youtube page you're really missing out right now like a kind of showing their tattoos oh it's like a triangle well it's sort of like a speckly

I don't know. I did some. I like that you started small. May I'm being very chill with your filthy shoes on the couch. Oh God, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Well, I guess I wasn't chill. Yeah, super chill.

So should we hear Otsuka's answer? Yeah, we should. Okay, so I've been thinking, and I'm very close with my mom and grandma. There's three generations of us, and my mom and grandma both have short, permed hair. So I thought my next haircut or my next look would be a short, curly perm too. Finish off the three generations. Call it done.

I like that. If you don't know Otsuko, you should look Otsuko up because she has a very unique hairstyle. Yeah, my childhood hairstyle. But then if you see pictures of her, like her wedding pictures, it's down to like her shoulders. It's a trip. Yeah. It does look like a whole other person. Yeah. And she also has a hilarious grandmother that is always on tour with her and comes out in the special on stage. Yeah. And when you say hilarious, you mean doesn't have a clue.

what's happening or what she's saying or yeah because they dance a lot together right yeah her grandmother is the cutest person alive yeah have you met her no just seeing her oh my god I when we have dinner plans I'm like can grandma come that's

That's who I want to spend my time with because Otzko invented the drop challenge. Do you remember that? Oh, that was huge. Yeah. The Beyonce song where you slide down. You like go down very slowly to the Beyonce song. Yeah. That was Otzko started that. We should probably do the drop challenge again.

Thomas put it on the list. So what is a perm? Like a really curly... A permanent wave. But how long does it last? Do they still do them? It was definitely a popular thing. It was my grandmother's age. Like very popular. But it involves a lot of chemicals, right? Yeah, like how do they... But you have a perm, right? How dare you, Gaylord? No.

Fortune! This is not a perm. But if you had... Like those older women, that was like the style. If they had straight hair, they wanted it to be curly so they would get a perm to just...

Had these really tight curls. And I don't know how long it would last. A couple months? But also, just girls and some guys would get them, too. In the 80s, perms were popular. I like to call them permanent wave. I like to elongate the word. That's a good band name, permanent wave. Yeah. That's pretty good. There's got to be a band name that, no? Well, there is now. There is now. Permanent wave. Did it feel really crusty, you think?

The perm? No, I mean, I would go with my grandmother when she would get one into the, they call them beauty parlors. And they would do not a perm on me, but she would give me a... See, I knew it was a perm. Her lady would give me a hair wash and cut. And she had these...

giant nails and she would just like wash my hair and her nails would dig into my scalp and it hurt so bad. Oh, not in a nice way? No, it did not feel good. Oh, man. Well, have you ever, I have the problem where I, when I go to a hair salon, which I don't really do anymore. I believe they're called salons. Salons. The person who's washing my hair, no matter who they are, what they look like, what they smell like, I'm

I'm just like, I think I'm in love with you. I have the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, don't have that. I can stay here all day. It doesn't feel heavenly to you. It's so intimate. It's like you go back to being a baby or something. It's just, yeah, I want. Oh, interesting. I'm like, when is it going to be over? Really?

Really? Can you not get that water in my eyes? Ow! My eyes are red! My eyes are red! I'm just like, oh, wow. You know. Yeah. Really interesting. I don't know if it's like an ASMR thing, you know, that some people get like tingly sensations if there's very soothing things. And it's when they go like, is the temperature okay? I'm like, just the fact that you asked has happened. Oh, look at you two. Y'all should go to a salon together. Two against one. Why don't you guys go get tattoos and go to a salon together? What?

Fortune. Fortune. I never knew that me not being part of your bit would really leave me on an island all to myself. Are you really feeling it? It wasn't until now. I'm feeling like I can't really smile with this mustache on my face and so it's really affected my like...

I'm like, am I having fun? Because my face doesn't know it. How much do I look like I own a pizza parlor? Hey. It looks so natural. You're like a poet. You look like a poet. A guy that's like. Painter. A guy. Do you want to come? I am a woman. Do you want to come into my house and read some books? Yes, of course. Can we hear one of your poems? The bird, it flew away.

And the people... Oh. Oh. The people said, birdie go, you fly away, you bird, on your way to the high, high sky. This is the first single of a permanent wave. Oh, please, please, Mae, don't. Oh, sorry. Interrupt my flow, and the bird knows where to go as it flies through the snow.

Yes, yes. Yes. And come the springtime, the bird will have flown. We'll be back to see family and friends. Tweet, tweet. Flap, flap. Fly. Oh, wait. No.

And furthermore, having said that, we must bow our heads in prayer. Whoa! Sharon, Lois, and Brim, we're going to hit on our hands. Amen. This is just the middle of the poem. Oh, God! You really wouldn't. Well, please, fortune, please.

I'm really feeling it right now. Why are you talking back to my poem? You really went into this character very easily. Yes, well, well, well. I really like a poem that has a line in it that's just... And another thing... Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

And you really like a phone line. That has a line in it that's just, yes, yes, yes. That's my favorite part. Well, it rhymes. Yes, yes, yes. It's a triple rhyme. Yes, yes, yes. You look like that. Mae looks like a cop.

All right. I'll take it. Or a mechanic. I was going more like Robert Redford and, you know. I was thinking more like old grandma. What? Old grandma. You know, sometimes they have the mustache. Yeah. I was thinking mechanic. Maybe more mechanic. Okay. Yeah. You want me to tune your car? I kind of was thinking more like the village people. Oh, yeah. I like that. Yeah. I'll go with that. You seem open to any of these. I'm open to all of them. I know.

- Yeah, I know. - May was the role play. - May was like, "Oh, yeah, okay, grandma, I like it." - Okay. - Well. - What a podcast. - What a podcast. - What a podcast. - Do you guys have anything to promote? - I do. I'm gonna be a Dynasty typewriter March 1st, and then I'm gonna be in Peekskill, New York, March 8th, and then March,

9th is sold out in Maine but March 10th I'll be in Waterville Maine and you can go to tignotaro.com for all show and ticket information but I am working out new material in LA and you don't want to miss it it was only then as you were saying the dates and stuff that I really took in the mustache and beard and suddenly was like this is the funniest thing I've ever seen I couldn't

Well, you know you have a mustache as well. I know, I got it. Yeah. What about you, Fortune? I'm on the last leg of my tour. So coming up, I have Durham and Wilmington, North Carolina, Los Angeles. I got to show the Ace Theater, the Beacon in New York City. And then I just added dates, Albany, New York, Hartford, Connecticut, Atlanta.

Bakersfield and San Luis Obispo in California. And then Toronto is capping it all off. When's Toronto? I'm going to send all my pals. Toronto is May 18th. Oh, I'll be there. At the Massey Hall. Oh, Massey Hall is...

A very historic venue. I saw the kids in the hall there. Oh, nice. I'm excited. I'll come. I would love that. Please. Yeah. Everybody wear your handsome t-shirts to all these shows. Yeah. Check out our merch. I got nothing to promote, really. Maybe even wear a mustache to the show. Wear a mustache to the show. Make Fortune feel further alienated.

Propeller hats and mustaches. May was rocking their little cowboy hat. The little cowboy hat is, I'm loving it. It looks really good. Thanks, I love it. Because it's like a, it's a color I haven't seen really on hats. You've never seen that color? Not a lot on hats, it looks cool. Fortune. I've seen that hat, that

color. Okay, I got it. Anyway, you can get one of these handsome t-shirts. That's good looking. We've been seeing these in crowds and shows and they look really cool. My girlfriend wears it as pajamas so I'm seeing both your faces in my battle loss. She's a real fan of the show. She's a big fan of the pod. I love that. That's awesome. Jax will listen after the fact. She'll be like, what did you say about me? Yeah.

When she starts getting messages and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know Stephanie will say things to me where she's like, somebody messaged me about, and it'll be something we said the day before at home in bed. She's like...

I'm like, oh yeah, I mentioned that. It's just like, wow. Listen, we're sharing our lives with you guys because we love you and we appreciate you listening. And you're our only friends. Yeah, and we're your only friends. Make sure you go to our YouTube channel to check out the video versions of this. Hi to all of you watching. Yeah. Hello. And yeah. I'm sure I'll be around in LA doing shows.

yeah check out you have a i just post them on instagram and stuff i'm usually at largo once a month nice nice and also tell your friends yeah tell your friends we love you i'm sure we'll love your friends yeah bring them along share your favorite episode with them yeah it's probably this one i was just gonna say is it this one all right this goes down in the handsome um

Folder. Folder. This is definitely the handsome folder. Well, until next time. Keep it handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod.

What a podcast!