Arnold Schwarzenegger asks about being useful
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Welcome to another episode of The Handsome Pod. I'm one of your three handsome hosts, Mae Martin. I'm joined by my friends, Fortune Beamster and Tig Notaro. I feel like I never kick it off and that was exciting.

Yeah, you jumped in there and you're like, this is my show. Yeah. I was thinking we do a pretty good job of bopping around, though. Yeah. I hang back. I hang back like a wallflower for that part. I know this is hard for people to believe, but we don't plan...

who is going to do it. I'll speak for yourself. I script. You have a list of times everyone's done it. Yeah. And a mark beside it, like on the prison wall. It has to be an even amount. Yeah.

How are you guys?

Which I'm not interested in doing in general, but I just wanted to see if I could do it the day after. And I did. And feels so good. Yes. This is the new year. This is great.

Did I tell you how long I do each segment? I already told you that. Is it six minutes? Seven? Seven minutes swimming. Seven minutes in heaven. It's roughly seven minutes swimming, roughly 30 minutes on the stationary bike and roughly 15 minutes on the elliptical or stairmaster or treadmill, whatever.

Keep us posted. I went to Cold Plunge this morning. Oh, nice. This place where you do a sauna and then go in an ice bath and then sauna, then ice bath. Yes. Yeah, yeah. But I didn't sleep because I went out for dinner. I put my phone down for 10 minutes. And in that 10 minutes, Parv called. And I haven't talked to her in three weeks. And I haven't seen her in a month. I haven't had any contact. And she...

She FaceTimed and I fucking missed it. And then... Oh, my God. And that's the window? You don't... She doesn't really get another window? I don't think so. And I just was like, is she going to think I forgot about her? Like, oh, I was up all night. Oh, yeah, because you can't even follow up and be like...

My bad. It was from a random kind of producer who, like a number I didn't recognize. Oh, she'd be sneaking phones. Oh. I think they let her do one call or something, but it's like they're in prison. It is like in prison, your one phone call. Who would your one phone call be from prison? From prison? Well, if it's not Jax, I'm in trouble. Yeah, it's Thomas. I'm going to have to go with Parvati. I'm going to guess Stephanie. Oh.

You call parv, too? Yeah, I mean, how would it not be our special lady friends? Yeah, I guess so. I'm trying to think. I guess my backup would be my friend Beth, who's been my, I call her my Beth friend. My Beth friend. My Beth friend since I was a child. She's Max and Finn's godmother. Aww.

She's just the most solid, aside from Thomas, like the most solid person in my life. But yeah. I'd call her then maybe, or a lawyer. I might call your best friend too. Yeah. It probably goes Stephanie, Beth, Thomas. Thomas. Stephanie, Beth, Thomas. Those are the calls happening? Yeah. What about, what are your top three, Fortune? Jack's, then Biggie's getting a call. Yeah.

Biggie would be so useless to you. And startled, I think. Probably not startled because I don't think I've seen Biggie startled ever. He's just asleep all the time. Would he answer? And my mom...

Yeah, then my mom. Then who? Maybe if I'm lucky, Jax will be with Biggie so I can... So you can double... Do that in one call. But what are your three? My mom and then my dad. Okay. Should we keep going down the list until you're calling us? I always enjoy talking to my friend Andrea. She listens to the pod. Shout out!

Hey, Andrea. Now is the time of the pod where we shout out all of our friends. Yeah, we've got to that point now. Hey, guys. So, Mae, who are your top three? Well, part of it's probably going to be on a beach somewhere with no phone. So, I don't know. But I'm on edge anyway because I know tomorrow I'm watching the bear video.

Did I tell you about the bear video? I'm on edge about this. The bear video, man. Tomorrow's going to be intense. I plan to watch a YouTube video tomorrow and boy, am I stressed. Can I just tell you real quick? Guess who just texted me and showed up on my screen? No, not Beth Friend. Beth Friend.

No way. Yeah. Yeah. Friend. Just did you say, are your ears burning? That's what everyone says. Your ears must be burning. Beth. That is crazy. Ask her. It's not that crazy. Yeah. We text every day. Right. Right. Right. Every day. Really? Yeah. She's my bath. Oh, I don't think I text anybody. I mean, because she and her husband are, um, bored. Uh, they're bored. Yeah.

Because they are the godparents. Right. So you've got to maintain that. I send a lot of Max and Finn pictures, videos. I hope no one asks me to be the godparent. Really? It's a lot. Because we were considering having a third child and we felt like the natural...

Jack's would be amazing. I'd be pretty useless. Yeah, Jack's a kindergarten teacher. Jack's is amazing with kids. She'd crush it. She's like a kid whisperer. I think you're just spoiled by Biggie. You'd want the children to be sort of seen and not heard like Biggie. The children. We ran into one of Jack's old kindergarten parents. Oh. And that's...

That kid is now in eighth grade. Wow. And said Jax was her most favorite teacher she's ever had. Oh, that makes it worthwhile, right? Yeah. Only if you're number one. Otherwise, it does not. It's not worthwhile. You're my third favorite teacher. Hopefully he doesn't say that to all the teachers he runs into at a random party. Anyway, back to Mae's anxiety. The bear video. I don't know.

What is this? To keep it brief, I think I told you I have this driver who drives me to set. His name's Joe. He's a great... Congrats, Meg. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, yeah. I have a driver named Jimmy. Do you? Fortune, this is incredible. Is it a Toronto thing? Well, they're like assigned by production, right? Yeah. Yeah, but I don't have that in the States. Only in Toronto. Yeah, maybe it's a Toronto. I don't know what my driver's name will be because I'm heading to Toronto. That's right. And I have a driver.

driver hopefully it starts with a J yeah Jafar anyway the bear video it was it Joe basically first he was bringing me fresh eggs from his farm then he's like I could bring you some moose meat and and I'll cook it up in a tupperware I think I mentioned this yeah me we're like no thank you

I love this guy and he one night it's like three in the morning we're driving back from set and it's been silent for like an hour and then he's like so I have this video oh no yeah and I'm like what and he goes I have this video it's pretty cool it's I filmed it in 1993 on a camcorder and it's in a I was in a bar in Lake Elliot and I was with my friend

uh gary kaczynski i think and and and basically he goes my friend gary wrestled the bear and this bear is called caesar the wrestling bear and he's like yeah this wouldn't fly nowadays with animal rights and stuff but he's like i have this video of this trained bear who was maybe rescued as a cub and trained to wrestle and in the video he wrestles 12 men and he wrestles gary kaczynski and

He's like, yeah, I'll bring it to show you. And I'm like, I don't know if I want to see it. I'm scared. I don't know. I can't unsee it once I've seen it, right? And now you haven't been able to sleep? Well, then... So then it's... He's like, I'm going to bring... I got to bring a VCR down so we can watch it. Yeah, when do we get to the part where it's hard to sleep? Yeah, well...

he brings the vcr outdated technology works and the vcr doesn't work so i'm like does the universe not want me to see this video and basically it's grown in my mind like a weed the bear video the bear video i'm like what am i meant to see it like why am i is it coming to my life and and he's edited it he used to want to be a filmmaker so he's done title cards and stuff he said and it's like i'm picturing this grain it's like a

eight foot bear wrestling people and you would win a grand if you could pin the bear down and nobody could and this bear never mauled anyone but it would just whack him with one paw and they'd go flying and I'm picturing this amazing and he's like you gotta see it like it has to be seen to be believed and I'm why don't we let men be in charge of things I

I wrote a poem about it. Oh, let's hear it. Yeah. Seriously? Yes. Okay. What else are we going to do? Violets are blue. I wrestled a bear. And now I'm dead. How about you? All right. I did. Let me. Violets are red. Violets are blue. I wrestled a bear. And now I can't snooze. Yeah. Oh, no.

Oh, no, that doesn't make sense because he's sleeping fine. It's May. I just know that I'm finally going to see it tomorrow. We need a workshop this point. I like how you say poem. Poem. Have you at least asked him...

If the bear was okay, do we at least know that? He said the bear's fine. The bear is so much stronger than these men. I think you're going to be okay watching this. The bear is fine living in Manhattan now. Yeah. And let's hear a poem. Okay, here's the poem. Poem.

Okay. Poim. Poim. Because it's really all I can think about is like, am I meant to see this video? And yeah, once I've seen it, how will I be changed? And then I'm like, why does it mean so much to me, the bear video? And wait, I'm sorry, Mae. You announced that you wrote a poim video.

about this and then uh you weren't planning on reading it you're like really you want to hear it yourself yeah i read it to joe and he was pretty freaked out joe the button maker no you'll equally driver y'all now equally freaked each other out yeah joe's like okay it's just a cool video but he's i was like i have to say i if i were joe i would be like i don't understand why you are

But he's building the hype as well. He's like, you got to see this vid. And he's like, yeah, he says, you won't believe it. Whatever you're imagining, it's cooler. He keeps saying cool. Okay, let's hear the poing. Okay.

The neon sign promised a champion ur-sign to take on any man who'd throw his hat into the ring. You thought you'd seen everything when you first laid eyes on Caesar the kept bear. He moved woosily across the boards. He barely fit through any doors. Barely. One claw could make... What?!

What? May just disappeared. May just disappeared. Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. This is terrifying. No wonder May has been scared of this bear video. May

disappears. Oh my gosh. May, are you okay? This is insane. I know. We've been freaking out on this side. I just started reading the poem and my whole computer crashed. Your whole computer crashed. You disappeared. It looked like you got kidnapped by the CIA. I thought there was a bear attack. I don't think the universe wants me to...

See this video. Okay. I didn't want us to hear the rest of your poem. Well, how much did you hear? Where should I go from? Wow. Gosh. I heard barely. You got quite a ways in there. Okay. Okay. The last thing I heard was barely. I know you started rhyming, which I appreciated because that's what I associate with poems. Oh, it rhymes. Yeah. Yeah. It's got a weird rhythm to it. Okay. Okay.

okay let's hope if if my computer closes again i don't know what to do then okay you're haunted yeah yeah i would call the police if your computer shuts down yeah what do they call the canadian police mounties a mounting yeah mountain you've never heard that

I don't need to be judged. I don't need to be judged for admitting that I don't know something. Okay, I don't know. I don't know. I worked in Toronto for five years. I never had a run in with the Mountie. Well, they're generally up in mountains. Those are horses? Yeah, they're in, they wear special hats and red jackets and they ride horses. Okay, well, I wasn't like, they're up in the mountains?

I think so. You still should know the phrase. Why the hell would I know about police on horses in the mountain, riding around in the mountain, you know, clomping around. Cause it's just part of the vernacular Mounties. Anyway, two against one. Okay. Let me plow through the rest of this poem. Uh, okay. He moved woosily across the boards. He barely fit through any doors. One clock could make you meet your maker. If you dare, uh,

someone has brought the bear to you. And though you know not what to do, the camera's running, time is running out. It's clear. And do you crack a joke or try to

As you step up to the fight assigned you, tell yourself you don't care if you win or lose. A thousand bucks, if you can pin them down, you hear before you hit the ground. Spend more than that on beer this month alone. Now you'll always chase this feeling like the kept bear has finally seen me. Hey man, aren't you a kept bear too? If it chooses you to witness, you'd be a fool to miss this. Hey man, aren't you a kept bear too?

That's good, Mae. You like it? Yeah. Do you write poems? No. Typically? Never. I'd like to get into the catchphrase of it all and what that means for you. I felt compelled to write this poem. But why didn't you write a song? Why didn't you write a short story? Why were you like, I need words rhyming here? This is part of the great mystery. But also, how long did it take to write you that? Right.

How long did it take you to write that? Write out their poem.

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Because that felt like a long end. No, I was channeling something. It came through me. Mae bumping Andrea Gibson out of the top spot of non-binary poets. Yes, it's a niche group. I don't think I've written a poem in a long time. We should write them maybe for our book club next time we get together. For our handsome book club.

We're like, this was a busy week, guys. I didn't get through the chapters. No, we should have a poetry club. Yeah. Where we write and read poems. You know who I heard really likes poems? Who? Kathy Bates. Really? May fact. I've heard through grapevines that she...

we'll just read from a book of poems. I love that that's like on the rumor mill. And can you imagine? Kathy Bates likes poems? Yeah. Can you imagine her just getting to hear her read a poem? That would be amazing. Who told you? I heard from Kate. I can't reveal my secrets, but someone told me that about her and I thought that was cool. As I've told you, Holly Hunter is going to be the star of Star Trek. Yeah. And she and Kathy Bates are,

used to be roommates with the Coen brothers and Sam Raimi and... What do you mean roommates? They all moved to L.A. and lived together. Wait, the Coen brothers? Helen Hunt? No, Holly Hunter. I knew the Coen brothers...

I knew the Coen brothers lived with Holly Hunter. I didn't know that. And Kathy Bates and Sam Raimi. That is the craziest crew I've ever heard. I used to work. I was going to say I used to live with Sam Raimi, but I used to work for Sam Raimi. He was the executive producer of Xena Warrior Princess. Of course. And, um, but yeah, so when I'm on set with Holly, I'll be like, tell me about Kathy and her pleams. And her pleams. I don't know.

I'm excited to have Holly up in space. Tig. Hello. Hey, Tig, we have an intruder. We've got to get on it right now. You better grab the thing that we need to fight them off. Let's go. Okay.

All right, Holly, I've got that thing that we need. I don't know Star Trek speak. I don't either. I struggle at it every time. It is so difficult. You play a human though, right? Mm-hmm. Okay, but there's non-humans around. You're going to have to watch the show and find out. Oh my God. Oh, wow. Yeah.

It's Jet Reno, right? Jet Reno. Not to be confused with Janet Reno. That's right. Not to be confused with Janet Reno.

Who is Janet Reno? I gotta ask. I was gonna let it slide and then I thought... She was in the Clinton administration, right? And was the... Was it the secretary of something? I think... Was she a lesbian? Well, Will Ferrell did an impersonation of her, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see what her job was. Was her job to be a lesbian? Yeah.

She was the attorney general of lesbians. Oh, she's dead. Did you know that? No. No, I didn't even know who she was. Janet Reno stands out there. When did she die? Apparently she tried to wrestle a bear. In Miami. She died in Miami. She was born there and died there. Huh. Huh. Is there anything else you know? Can you find out if she was a lesbian? She was 6'2"? Yes. Yes.

Oh my Lord. This episode is... Now I know why Will Ferrell played her. That makes sense, yeah. But wait, was she a lesbian? Why won't you answer that? Okay, hold on. See, I have such brain worm about this bear that all I'm thinking is like, 6'2", she could have taken on that bear. Like the bear was...

was probably roughly seven feet. Oh, she said, I am not a lesbian. But never married and didn't have children. That's all right. Yeah. Those single ladies. Did she have a travel companion that lived with her for 50 years? Yeah, but also the...

Saying I'm a lesbian, this was in the era of I did not have sexual relations with that woman as well. That's that administration. Yeah. Who knows? Not every woman needs a woman or a man. Google her ex-boyfriends. She might not have been into any of it. She's like, I'm busy. I'm in Miami and I'm an attorney general. Get off my back. Yeah. This was also pre-

Pretender. It was a lot harder to meet somebody. You couldn't just swipe left or right. Sounds like a cat lady to me. She would have been on Tinder for sure. I love a cat lady. Cat ladies get shit done. Mm-hmm. I get them done. You know? If you're not dating, you're getting more stuff done. I put an attorney general in there with no cats or kids. Or no, they can have cats. Yeah.

No boyfriend, no girlfriend, no kids. You're hired. Anyway, what were we talking about? I don't know. I don't think you need to be afraid of this video. Oh, Jet Reno. To Janet Reno. Holly Hunter in space. Sam Raimi.

Tig, we've got a problem out on the deck. We've got to get out of here. We've got to get out of here. We've got to fly our spaceship out of here. Come on! Alright. And then y'all should play Some People Call Me a Space Cowboy.

Some call me the gangster love, but Holly Hunter is a space cowboy. Steve Miller band. Oh, okay. Anyway, don't be afraid of this video. Face it head on. It feels like I'm having to face up to face some aspect of masculinity. And it's like, I'm supposed to learn something from it. Like,

like I'm, what if I love it too much? What if I'm like, I want to wrestle that bear. I don't know. Or you know what I mean? It's I'm facing like a dark part of masculinity. Can I? Yeah. I was just going to say, if somebody wanted me to watch this video, I would never think twice about it. I would have to agree with Tig. I think it's, I wouldn't write a poem. I,

I wouldn't just be like, they'll see this video. Okay. Well, that's I think what Joe was expecting when he pitched it to me. And I think he's a little freaked out by all my sleepless nights. But because the VCR didn't work. And then now the computer shut down when I read the poem. I mean, is there some thing where you're like this bears having to like sing for a supper? That's why he's a kept bear. Yeah, I'm worried about the bear for sure. But I know like, I

I gotta you know look at the video in the context of the time and the place and embrace it and but I'm like

I don't know. It just feels significant to me for some reason. I'll let you know. I'll keep you posted. Yeah, keep us posted. I mean, we hope you make it through the night. Being one of the biggest things of your life. I know, Tig. I know, Mae. I know you know, Mae. I could never be the same. Listen, I hope the bear is not injured. It's not. I know. We do hope the bear is all right. No, no. It's...

apparently not injured and it just keeps knocking down these men and good they deserve it why are you freaking wrestling a bear exactly I know and it rips one of their jeans good and it's got its claws and teeth and anyway you shouldn't be wrestling a bear let them live let them work let them live maybe that's it I'm like if I watch it am I complicit in this

Yeah. Whatever. I'll just watch it. I'll let you know. Well, should we get to our question? I think so. Yeah. I will tee this up because it comes from my current co-star. He is an Austrian-American movie star, businessman, politician, and bodybuilder.

You guys will never guess who this is. I don't know who this is. There's a lot of people that check a lot of these boxes. But who checks them all? Well, I'll tell you. A guy that's known for the movies The Terminator. Oh, I think I know who it is. Last Action Hero. Kindergarten Cop. It's not a Tuma. It's not a Tuma at all. The Expendables. He also stars in the hit Netflix show Fubar, which is what I film with him.

Today's question is being asked by the one, the only Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He doesn't do a lot of podcasts, by the way. So this is a pretty big deal. And this is this has been months in the in the works, right? Yeah. I asked his people. I was like, I don't want him. I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I want everybody to want to do it. And they were like, yeah, we know your podcast. It's great. Oh, nice. Ask the big guy. And then I said, hey, big guy, you want to do my podcast? Do you call him? What are you talking about? What is a podcast? No, he knows podcast. Yeah.

I hope behind my back people are like, you know, I'm going to talk to Tick's people, see if she's willing. Why do you want to put him on the spot? Yeah, no, totally. Where he's like, I don't know. Because he has a whole team of people around him. Of course. So I just wanted to make sure I did due diligence. It's huge. It's huge. Let's hear it. Hey, handsome. It's Arnold.

All right, you gorgeous devil you. The question is really, what does it mean to you, be useful? Because that's the book that I've done, be useful. Very important.

what did he call you gorgeous devil you gorgeous devils you devil you or something it was definitely just directed at you for sure i have have that way with him oh my god that was electrifying what does it mean to you to be useful

Yeah, how are we useful in this world that we live in? Well, you know, I got a lot of useful facts that I like to disseminate. That's true. It's been very helpful in my life. Yeah, right? Well, one thing I think we three try to do as a collective in our podcasts and in our careers is we try to make people laugh. It's true. Which, you know, isn't curing cancer, but...

The hope is that if you're dealing with some heavy things like that, it's helping lighten the load. And even though it doesn't cure cancer, joy and happiness can stave off disease. Do you think? I mean, there's so much evidence that...

When you're positive, like genuinely positive and happy and laughing and all of that can kind of... Yeah, affect your health and your body. Yeah, for sure. I mean, one thing I didn't realize would be a byproduct of putting out specials is...

like you are kind of with people in very intimate moments of their life, like vulnerable moments and stuff. I've always been so surprised when someone's told me like they were like in the hospital with a loved one who was dying or they were dealing with having to overcome this big thing. And they're like, I put your special on and, and,

laugh for the first time or this person that was sick, you know, brought a smile to their face. I never really considered that to be a thing that could happen by just putting out comedy. Yeah. And I've like cried with people before that have come up to my show to like tell me some connection to the comedy with some sort of tragic thing. Yes. It's always pretty, it really is.

blows me away it's deep it gets deep fast because people feel that connection to you and like and that they know you and they yeah and then the way they do know an aspect of you yeah were you guys when you were growing up were you encouraged to be useful around the house like did you have a lot of chores and like was that instilled in you like to to kind of

help out and you know what I mean? I didn't have a lot of chores but I was expected to like you know keep my room clean do my own laundry take care of all things for our cats and lock the dog and you know but it wasn't like I had to you know

mow the whole house and you know what I mean? It wasn't that kind of thing. It was, I just needed to keep my, your area. Yeah. Yeah. Not be a massive burden. Yeah. Yeah. We didn't have like a chore list or like, Oh, you get money if you do this. Yeah. Um, but my parents split when I was 12. So there was no like quote unquote man of the house anymore. Um,

So my brothers and I kind of filled that gap of like the lawn has to be mowed every week, you know, every weekend or something. The house has to be painted. We have to clean out this flower bed. But we weren't like, we were like tidying up our rooms, but we weren't like mopping the counter, you know, not the counter, the counter. Mop the counter. Thank God they didn't put you in charge. Yeah.

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But we were doing like manual labor, painting rooms. Yeah, that's kind of what I mean. Yeah, that's so that probably that's instilling a good work ethic. Well, now I don't want to do any of it. I'm definitely not useful around my own house. Really? Jax is the handiest person I know and does all these things. And like, yeah, if there's like something that has to be fixed, she's like Googling how to do it and figures it out. She's hanging out.

things on the wall she's checking the coolant in the car there she's mopping the counter mopping the counter she's on a ladder getting leaves out of the gutter so i'm i feel very not useful around her i'm good at like pulling the trigger on things like making things like parv will take a long time to make a decision but then she'll make the right one whereas i'll be like let's just get it let's

let's you know I'll book a task rabbit or I'll like I'll you know but then when we moved in together I was like I'm gonna really impress her so that when she when we get to the house I've already done a bunch of stuff and it's and I've and but the I focused on the wrong things and I got like a

I got so many garbage cans, like white plastic, ugly, big garbage cans, like more than we have even rooms for. But for some reason I was like, gotta get those, all those practical things. I need 20 trash cans. Large plastic trash cans. I got it. I just went nuts on Amazon. Before I go out of town, I always like to feel like, and when I get back in town,

Certainly when I'm home, I'm still doing things around the house. But before I leave town and when I get home, I like to make sure everything is just handled. Just every bit of laundry. I love doing laundry. I love laundry too. I love it so. I love doing it. I love folding it. Stephanie makes fun of me because I don't want anyone to do. I just love doing

I'm like, what are you doing? What are you doing in there? And he's like, I was just going to put no, no, no. This is my thing. Oh, interesting. But yeah, I just love making sure everything is.

topped off handled and you know tidy clean filled up before I leave town and when I get home is that because you feel kind of guilty about being away so you're like reminding everyone like that you're useful kind of you know no it's just more of like I just don't want anybody to go without anything or you know not have access to something and um but I just like to get everything all

you know, is it so cute folding their little shorts and stuff? Oh, my gosh. So ridiculously cute. I would also say what came to mind, you know, obviously, this comes up a lot for me. But after I was sick, after I was really sick, I think you can't help but have an awareness of

what other people might be going through. I mean, obviously, you can still have that without having deadly illnesses. But I think it just like really broke me open in a way. And I like to be helpful to people that are

That kind of rock bottom where it's scary to call the person, scary to go see them in person, anything like that, I have no problem doing it. I can walk right into the fire and be like, what do you need? What do we have to do?

And I, you know, speaking of, you know, earlier, my Beth friend, her sister passed away when we were like in our early 20s. And I remember calling my mother and just being like, oh, my God, Beth's, you know, Julie died. And I was I didn't know what to do. And my mother said, hang up the phone and go over to her house. Yeah. Right now.

And I was like, right, you have to go. You have to go do that. And at that point, I was scared, you know, and I'm not saying I don't feel that fear.

like, oh, how is this going to go? But I don't even think about it now. I don't even think about it. I want to be helpful. I want to be useful. So you're up for like the emotional mess, tough stuff. I am up for it. I'm up to drive you. I am up to bring you food. I'm up to, you can call me. I'm up to coming in when it is absolutely the worst possible.

Mm-hmm. Time. I'm going to amend my answer of my one phone call from prison. I feel like it's got to be you. You can call me. A lot of people don't want to face that stuff, so that is... Yeah. Yeah, and I really think it comes from knowing what I needed. Yeah. You know? Because when you're in a place like that and somebody...

When somebody says, call me if you need anything, it's still you're putting it on the person that's in a hard place. Right. You need people to show up and be there and be like, I want to be here. Yeah, because a lot of people have a hard time asking for something. That's what I'm saying. You can seem like you're being helpful by saying, hey, I'm here. Call me if you need anything. But I feel like when people are really, you know,

sad, deathly ill, somebody died, any of that stuff, it's still hard for them, even though they're like, oh, May said to call anytime, it's still hard. And so I think it's really important to, obviously, some people might not want that from you. But if you make it known,

Or if you say, hey, I'm going to check in on you tomorrow. Or can I come over? Or can I bring you food? Or I'm going to bring you food unless you don't want it. It has to be, I'm going to do this. Or even to write him a nice letter or something, you know? Like those things mean so much because you get so isolated in your pain and sadness and

an illness and whatever that it's hard to

I used to laugh at, I remember, you know, I did that story about Taylor Dane and my standup and Taylor when I was ill, she reached out and was like, Hey, you know, call me anytime. And I remember thinking how hilarious it would be if I really did that and was calling Taylor Dane all the time, like three in the morning. I'm like, Hey Taylor.

I have to drain this blood from my chest. And I just, I need help. But that again, to go back to Beth, when I got discharged from the hospital and I had to deal with my incisions and draining the blood and fluid, it was not fun or easy. And Beth was like, I'm staying at your house. I'm taking care of all of this. And she handled everything. That's awesome. When you're sometimes when you're in a really

bad spot it's easier to reach out to someone who you know less well maybe or who's let or I don't know or

Because there's so much stuff between you and your close family sometimes. And so to have like, sometimes I've been in a weird spot and then had a weird urge to reach out to someone pretty random. Just who I know is a trusted, safe person who like someone who's a little more emotionally detached from the situation. Sometimes that's nice. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Jake and I have been talking more lately about how community is important, be it, you know,

a small group of friends or the community in which you live. We're in LA where everything's so big and you don't really know your neighbors. You're a little disconnected from people. And my mom had knee surgery and,

Just everyone showed up for her every day. Really? Different people with food or taking her to appointments. I mean, the community is so strong in that world that she lives in. And it made me think, God, people can be so useful when you're set up in a situation where you've built that kind of network of people. And it makes you go...

gosh, I really got to work on building community, you know, so that you're useful to them. They're useful to you. This, you know, they talk about that and those blue zones that they've done documentaries on about people living. It's these areas that people live where they have the most,

longevity people than oh yeah anywhere else and okinawa valley in japan yeah yeah yeah maybe in a certain way but a big part of its community and doing for others and helping each other and some places they you know they take care of their elders they you know it's just like the ultimate being useful to each other they financially help each some places they

pool their money together to help one person when they're in need. And then at the other point, you're going to be in need at some point, they'll help you. That's nice. That stuff, all of that helps longevity. Well, and that's the thing is not only can people help you, people want to help. They want to do something. I remember when my hometown was wiped out in Hurricane Katrina and I,

this whole thing and to drive trucks with food and everything out to Mississippi. And I remember thinking, God, this is so nice that everybody's helping. And it was really such a moment where I was like, oh, yeah.

this has nobody's doing this because they like me. People, I'm like, I'm a vessel. People want to help and they don't know where to put that energy. And it was such a,

an awakening for me that like, I have nothing to do with this. People want to give money. They want to give the food and clothing. They want to help drive trucks out there. Yeah. And it was, it was, I don't, I was really remarkable. It was like,

Around the clock, day and night, we had lighting set up. Me and Chris Fairbanks lived together. We had lighting set up in our front yard, and people just came dropping off donations and loading up trucks around the clock for two days before we drove off. That's cool. And it was so...

Incredible to see how much people wanted to give and help. I love that my interpretation of this question was like, well, I know a lot of facts and I got to diversify my skill set so that I know how to do several useful things. You just heard the question and...

But that's also think of all the other things, you know, Kathy Bates would be useful because she knows a lot of pulling. But that's going to be the thing that probably a lot of people face is not knowing how to be useful. Right. It's overwhelming. I actually have been inspired working with Arnold these last two seasons because he having been a

Being a movie star, he has access to a lot of people that need help and he has the means to do so in a team that helps them. But I was pretty shocked at how philanthropic he is. I mean, he's involved in so many charities. He's helped Special Olympics, veterans, athletes.

kids that need, you know, uh, schools. Uh, he has an afterschool program that helps kids and there's, he, his hand is in so many different types of, of things that made me go, I tell him, I'm like, if you do some kind of, you know, whatever your next volunteer thing is, let me know. Cause I always feel like he's just got his finger on the pulse of

and being useful. And I know I could seek that out more myself, but I'm just like, let me know. I want to start somewhere.

And Jackson and I are always talking about how do we get more involved and how do we help more? We've talked about, you know, maybe one day starting a foundation is just finding ways to be useful. But he's definitely inspired me in that way to figure it out. I don't know if this speaks to you, but there is something in Los Angeles called Hangout Do Good. And it's so cool. I don't know how many drop off events.

places there are. Yeah, but we do this on Sundays and what you and people should look this up. And I'm sure there's something similar in people's areas. And if not, it's such a cool idea. But basically, you can prepare bags, like food and clothing. Oh, yeah.

I told you about this. No, I think Sabrina does this. My friend Sabrina and you drive them around and you don't even drive it. You just go and you there's people that have they use their front yard or front porch as a drop off. And so you drop these meals off by 1130 a.m. on Sundays and then they pack up their cars and then they drive and deliver the food to

to people that obviously need it. And that is just like a weekly thing. That's cool, yeah. But that's something, you can look it up called Hangout Do Good and there's different drop-off places and neighborhoods. Yeah, we definitely, I'll definitely look into that. We definitely have the itch right now because...

Jax, you know, was a kindergarten teacher in inner city Chicago for 13 years, like actively making a difference every day, teaching these kids who had never been read to, had a book, you know, don't own a coat, right?

And she made such a massive impact and got these kids to like second grade reading levels, like setting them on this path to love school and to want to be at school. And she moved to L.A. for me and tried teaching in L.A. and just it was circumstances led to she's not teaching anymore. So I know she has that itch very much sort of like I knew what my

was and I knew what I did well and now I'm not able to do it in that way so how can I take that where I was so useful and help other people now and so we're kind of in that seeking phase start a foundation use your relation to start a foundation do it only if I can abbreviate everything

and weirdly enough Arnold's program that he does for after school kids Jax was like that program was at my school I saw it first hand in action and working and helping kids I was like wow what a crazy full circle thing yeah and is he I mean it must bring him so much joy as well what's he like does he smell good

Is he nice on set? He's pretty great. I didn't obviously know him personally before we started working together. He's so infamous. You've heard a thousand stories about him, and he's been famous since I was five years old or probably before then. So he's such a big presence, right? But he's got to be one of the most charming people I've ever met.

um checks out yeah he likes more than me he walks in about similar okay he walks into a room and i mean literally everyone stops and turns and just lights up him yeah he's he's known all over the planet you know i remember i was in uh london with with my family and then there was this

big commotion and like a car pulling up and it was the Planet Hollywood restaurant. It was like, there's a celebrity here. And then it was Arnold. And the crowd lost their minds like it was the Beatles. And he, I was like, that's the most famous man ever. Oh yeah. I mean, especially men when they meet him, it's like,

Really? You see men reduced to like their little boy selves. They freak out. That's hilarious. But he knows what he's bringing to the table. Yeah. And he does a lot of good with it. And he's very generous with his time. And he talks to people, shakes hands. He rides bikes every morning to the gym. Really? He's very much...

of the people. He still kind of lives his life like he's a governor. He's always shaking hands. Great. He's very inspirational on set. He's always...

giving you know a speech you're like looking people in the eye and giving them advice he tells stories he's very the director's like we gotta we gotta finish this take he's like making a speech just listen really oh my god that's incredible because he has a lot of wisdom in his time and if there's a big thing going on in the world i always ask his opinion like what do you think of this and you kind of sit and listen like very smart guy like

I've been very impressed getting to know him. He has three miniature donkeys that live in his house. Yeah. Yeah. Lucky guy. Right? A mini horse and a donkey and a pig. I mean, then you know you've made it. You're, you're,

That's useful. That's how you... People are like, how do you know you've made it? It's like you have three miniature donkeys and a pig living in your house. Yeah, yeah. I thought I was doing okay and that life is good, but...

I don't have three donkeys running around my house. And he smells like cigars. Oh, really? I think I like that smell. Speaking of usefulness and donkeys, weirdly, my grandmother, who we often discuss, until the end of her life, she only ever donated 10%.

a donkey sanctuary but she that was her thing and she would donate every year to the donkey this woman man donkeys were living like kings we were like what about the children she was like gotta save those donks are a lot of donkeys in need in England there's all these donkey sanctuaries or maybe just one really but she was that was her thing she was like that's my charitable funniest thing to like zone in on my money's going here I

I can't be kidding. You're like, what about books for kids? No. No. I do like it when celebrities find like a specific thing. I mean, donkeys. Interesting. But like Dolly Parton, how she has committed so much of her work to getting books in libraries and it's such a specific thing. I know because it does seem overwhelming sometimes. But she's donated so many freaking books at this point.

And then I think at one point she gave every kid in her area she grew up in like $500 when they were born or something to put into an account for it to accumulate. She's amazing. That's cool. Any of these people with these platforms who have, you know, done this to made it a priority to give back. I'm always very impressed by that.

I'm going to set up a little stall on my front yard that's like, does anyone need a poem? People can come up and I'll... Free poems. But you know what? You can make someone say it. That's the thing. It doesn't always have to be these big things. It could be small things too. It could be as simple as like smiling at someone and having a good day. Like that stuff can make a difference. You hear these stories of like, you know, this one guy that...

was gonna go jump off a bridge she's like someone smiled at me and I changed my mind I mean you just never know I think you never know I think the purpose of being useful is is trying to just think about anybody but yourself for a second you know for one for one second think about someone else or some other miniature pony

Donkey. Yeah. Should we hear what Arnold has to say? Yeah. Here's what I did to be useful.

I stopped thinking just about myself, building my career and all about me. I started thinking about other people. I started working in Special Olympics. I started after-school programs. I started running the state of California. Gave all my time and effort and everything like that. Just giving back to the community to make sure to know that we are not products of just being self-made. We are products of a lot of people helping us. And therefore, we have the responsibility to help others.

Well, and also, you know, obviously he was married to Maria Shriver, who is just like... Misuseful? Well, yeah, I mean, just that, you know, Eunice Shriver, her mother started the Special Olympics. Oh, right. That whole world and family has, like, got to give back and be involved and...

And something that you've talked about a lot, climate change. He's a big proponent of that and helping with that. And he gathers these gazillionaires every year in, is it Germany or Austria? I don't know for a big...

thing on what can they be doing um as these people with money and means good to a not be contributing to it so much as far as the the bad things for the planet but what can they be doing to help and that has been a big thing because you would listen to arnold he was like get your head out of your ass

Listen, here's what we did in California. You need to do it. You need to stop being a little girly man. Let's go. Come on, get down. It's his Schwarzenegger climate initiative. This is your impersonation of him after working with him for years. I do that to his face. And does he like it? He loves comedy and he loves comedians.

So he always chuckles and shakes his head. But he's also good about teasing back. He's got a really funny sense of humor. Once he likes you and knows you, he's always giving you crap back. I'd love to hear his impersonation of all of us, really. I'd love to hear his too. Yeah, have him send that in.

It's so funny. There's certain words that he, even after all these years of living in the U.S., he doesn't know what the word means. He's like, what does that mean? What does this say? I can't remember the one it was recently. He was like, what is that? What is poem? Poem. He's like, why do we say that? I go, I don't know.

He's a true. He invented the Arnold press that, that workout move. I did that today. That was useful. There you go. That's, I imagine having something named after you like that. Like, like, uh, you know, some of the mountains on the moon and stuff are named after Tolkien, like Lord of the Rings, like,

To penetrate public culture so much that something is named after you. Like the Arnold Press will always be the Arnold Press. His favorite story to tell is that he and James Cameron flew to the most remote part of the world possible in Africa. And James Cameron told him, like, I don't, you know, sorry, big guy. This is going to be the one place in the world

No one knows who you are. Yeah, no special treatment. And they landed and trekked through, you know, did the trek to the trek to the trek to the most remote place. And there was a movie poster of Arnold in a hut. No way. That's crazy. Yeah.

Wow. He loves to tell that story. He's like, so I'm kind of a big deal. If I ever meet him and he starts telling me that, I'll interrupt and be like, oh, I've already heard this story. And it wasn't really until he got those donkeys that he was really a big deal. That's right. That's when he made it. The mini horse, the donkey, and the pig are all walking around his grounds of his. That's crazy. Lucky, lucky.

Yeah, they're in the house. I've seen pictures of them in the house. He's having his morning coffee. And they just poop in the house? That, I don't know. You need to find out because that feels like if you got three donkeys and a pig, I feel like... It's a lot of poop. Well, yes. I feel like a litter box probably isn't working. I was about to say I'll text somebody who doesn't have a phone. He doesn't?

He does not carry a phone, does not want a phone. That's impressive. He has an iPad that he plays chess on. And like on his birthday, if you want to talk to him, like people were FaceTiming him through the iPad. But he that is one cool thing he did when my dad, my dad was having had open heart surgery and it was pretty dicey there for a bit. He was on a ventilator. He wasn't waking up.

And Arnold FaceTimed me out of nowhere. And he's like, hey, why didn't you tell me that your dad was having open heart surgery? I was like, you know, this was before we started filming this second season. I go, I don't know. You're busy. I didn't think to be like, I got to call Arnold. And he goes, what can I do? Well, what can I do? Let me talk to him. And I go, I'm not with him. He's on a ventilator right now. So he can't talk either. I go, but how about this? If I think I'm going home.

when I'm with him and hopefully he's awake, can we FaceTime you from the hospital? And he's like, absolutely. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to the nurses. I'll talk to the doctors. I'll talk to the donkeys. So when I went to visit my dad, we FaceTimed Arnold and he was in Austria and he gave my dad this cool, like pick me up speech of like,

You got to think of, you know, being in the hospital, like having an escape route. What do you need to do to get better to escape that place? He's got these speeches up his sleeve. Yeah. That's cool. So he's like Tig, trying to think of ways to...

help folks when they need it. Yeah, that's nice. I like that Tig, and I mean this in the best way, that you're amazing in a crisis, but I feel like if I invited you to a party, you'd be like, no. In the good times, nowhere to be found. Unless you really need

dig there. Yeah, like. And I also am, well, yeah, well, I did, you know, I flew off to Thomas's wedding, so I was going to be there for the good times, but in that trip, ran into a lot of bad times. Well, that was a cool question. I liked it a lot. Yeah, I hope

If it helped inspire anybody at all to be more useful, then that's awesome too. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I do want to promote our merchandise at handsome pod.com. Yeah. And also most importantly, if you like this show or you liked this episode and you know of anyone in your life that you feel like would enjoy this show, we also have a YouTube channel and you can see Biggie, uh,

Fortune is holding her dog in his dog bed. Do you hear him licking his lips? He's ridiculous. And he, like, whether the dog bed is being lifted or not, Biggie does not change anything.

Biggie is so comfortable. But yeah, sign up, subscribe to our YouTube channel so you can watch the videos and you can see Arnold asking and answering his questions. We appreciate you guys. We really do. We really do. And I appreciate you guys. And I you. And us we. And us we. Yes, us we. Should we kiss? Mmm.

Wow. Oh, my gosh. Whoa, we just first base. I know. Wait till our travel companions find out about that. I know. Also, check Tignotaro.com for sporadic shows in Los Angeles, Toronto, and other here and there's working out new material. I got nothing. Just check out whatever on Netflix.

Me and Fortune have specials. Check them out. There you go. I have specials too. Check them out. Check them out. Well, until next time. Keep it handsome. Keep it handsome. Keep it handsome. Keep it handsome. I can't do it.

Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! Saving money on home insurance doesn't have to be complicated or time-consuming.

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