Merlin: The Return LIVE!
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bas.com slash bonkers and use the code bonkers at checkout mordred is back with an evil plan and what it is well i mean we don't really know exactly but we do know that we saw merlin the return so you know what that means jayman big horn and the beautiful gonna take you in the groove all the way to the

Thunderpants. I've got a lot to say. I took notes. I'm not okay. People of Gotland! Things full of farts. Eat them all. Rupert Ripper changed his name. I'm so upset. I hate this. That's my ugly truth. This place is full of bees. Get this guy out of here! And hello people of Belfast!

Merlin is back! Oh yeah! That's right. King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table in present-day UK. But guess what? What are they gonna do? Nothing. Run. Hide. This is a movie that primarily takes place in the woods. This is a movie that, according to the research I did, cost 20,000 pounds. This is a movie.

And maybe the most shocking fact, that came out in 2000. If you told me 1987, I would have been like, yes, that makes sense. But no, this came out in 2000. Oh, my God. We are going to break it all down. So whether you are Team Merlin or Team Mordred, we will get to the bottom of it all. But first, let me introduce to you my co-host, Mr. Jason Manzoukas. What's up, jerks?

How's it going, Belfast? That's right. Don't worry. I asked. They said I cannot play the organ back there. I said, does it work? They said, not for you. Not cool. You can't have a big giant. Can everybody see the big giant organ? It's big and I want to play it so bad. Jason Merlin, The Return. Is it a movie?

Good question. I genuinely feel like I fell asleep in the first five minutes and the rest of it was a fever dream. Because multiple times I was like, don't know what's going on.

This is a movie that reminded me of when I was a child and I was at my grandparents' house and they didn't have cable and you were forced to watch whatever was on. And I was like, yep, I guess I'm watching this. No. I wanted it to have commercials just to give me a break from the actual movie. Well, what a fake out. What a fake out because I'm like, is this a kid's movie? Yeah.

Because if it is, it has way more incest than I'm comfortable with. And speaking... Go ahead, go ahead. I've got a lot to say. I'm just pulling my notes out. I took notes. You know it's bad when all of my notes are just questions that are unanswered. Who is this person? Why are they here? What does this mean? Why is Tia Carrera even doing this?

What is anyone's plan? It took me three quarters of the way through the movie to realize that never once are we back in our three in time. Nope, just an alternate direction with very bad set decoration. Now, there is one other thing that we need to get into, and that is hair. And we have an expert on hair and so many other things. My other co-host, June Diane Rapio. Oh, my word.

How are you, June? I'm not okay. Now, I told Jason backstage, I lost my notebook with all my notes. I know. Will it matter? Nope. I don't think it will. Wait, that happened in between here and the hotel? Yeah. Wow. We went out to dinner. We went out to dinner and he was there. Someone out there on the street is like, we've uncovered the code. Well,

So I'm going off the dome tonight, just on feelings and instincts. I think you'll do fine. I think I'll do just fine, but I will say we flew here this morning, and we flew... I sat next to a couple who's coming to the show tonight, and I always feel insane watching these movies on the plane, and I was so relieved to just sit in peace and watch Merlin. LAUGHTER

And they saw me taking notes, copious notes. I was going to say, they've got your notebook. What? There's no doubt in my mind those creeps stole your notebook. I just want to say it again to get both of your reactions.

The year this movie was made was 2000. Respectfully, no. Yeah, with all... Actually, disrespectfully, no. 87, yes, but 2000, no. That's not possible, Paul. Maybe that's like a video release or something. This movie was shot in 1982.

I was looking so deeply, going, there must have been some mistake. But no, because I believe the director of this is a fan of Mike Myers. And I'm going to get into my theory. Wait, of what? Mike Myers. Oh, Mike Myers. I'm sorry. Thank you. Because Tia Carrere is in this. She's in Wayne's World. And at one point, Mordred.

Does the Doctor evil pinky to the lip and goes, my evil plan. And I was like, is that in earnest? Or was he directed to do that? And I really did believe. Well, to be fair, he also tells someone to put a sock in it? I think not. I can't imagine that's a phrase from Mordred's time. I mean, he has. Put a sock in it? He has been living in that weird. That sounds like something Fonzie says.

You said this in the intro, and I also am disputing the fact that this was made in 2000. And also, I'm disputing the idea that we weren't at one point in flashbacks. Well, I don't think they had the budget.

So you're saying that all of this movie, from tip to tail, took place in the same time period? No. Thank you. There was one flashback. I'm so sorry. It takes place in modernity and then an alternate dimension where all of Mordred, Lancelot, and Guinevere have been for 1,500 years. That's too long.

That's so long. You know how many times Lancelot and Guinevere are fucking for 1,500 years? They're ageless. To me, though, that was the most interesting part of the movie. Easily. Was that they fell out of love with each other. It's like this love does not stand the test of time. I don't think that love should stand the test of 1,500 years. You don't think that you'd love me after 1,500 years? I think we could do 1,350. And then...

And then after that, I think we've gone our separate ways. We've done it all. We've done it all. But by the way, what is there to do in Mordred's dimension? It's just a cave.

With, I guess, a kitchen because at one point they barrel into a kitchen where people are eating bread. Where are they getting that bread? Here's that. Okay, so that was my big question. In that dimension where they've been for 1,500 years, Mordred's also done this to himself because it doesn't seem like he can leave either. So he has imprisoned them.

And they don't see any daylight, but neither does he. Correct? No, I think they've all been imprisoned there by Merlin. Yes. Merlin. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yes. No, no, no, no. Yes, yes. By Merlin. Correct. Correct.

Okay, so Merlin is not there. So who put Mordred there? Merlin. So upon your... Okay, I'm so sorry. There was one flashback. I'm so sorry. There was one flashback to the inciting incident in which Mordred and Merlin are fighting at Stonehenge. I'm so upset. I hate this. Mordred and... Boy, do I wish I wasn't saying, Mordred and Merlin were fighting at Stonehenge. I'm 51. I hate this.

I don't want to be saying these words. I will also say that when I was watching that fight at Stonehenge, the only flashback in the film, which comes about 30 minutes into the film, because at that point the film doesn't make sense. And then they go, hey, let's explain why it doesn't make sense here instead of starting the movie with that scene. I would argue the movie never makes sense.

Nor is it really interesting in giving us any exposition to help it make sense. Because every component is as if it's from a different movie. The kids are in their movie. Remember Kate and Richie? Of course I do. Can I ask you a question, June? This is a very real question. Please, please, please. And he's right here on the back here. Does this character who plays Merlin seem familiar to you at all?

Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Yeah. All right. Everybody be cool. You watched the whole movie. Everybody be cool because I also. I'm going to give you a hint. This person has been in a movie we've done before. And in my open, I did give a very big hint. No. No. No. Who is it? That's Rick Mayall. Drop dead Fred. Absolute legend. It's Fred.

That's Fred? That's Fred. That's Fred. That's Fred. You watched the whole movie with Fred in it and you didn't even know what the movie is. Okay, but I have to say he was the best part of the movie. Of course, he's with Mayo. I swear, I would have said that anyway. Of course, he's the best. I would have said that anyway. He's a fucking genius. He is a genius. I cannot believe I didn't recognize him. I did. There was something familiar about him and...

But I finished the movie and I wanted to erase it from my mind. So I didn't investigate further. I'm shocked. That is... I really, this is going to take me a second. I'm absolutely stunned right now. The movie should have been Merlin and the Kids versus Everyone. That's the only way the movie works as a movie. Right? Don't give me a smattering of applause, Belfast.

not looking for your approval, assholes. I'm telling you facts. But... Idiots. Merlin should also have a problem. He doesn't. There is... Like, this is the problem with the movie, right? They have this big battle at Stonehenge. Do you want me to read the crawl at the beginning? Well, yeah. Let's pull it up right here. Oh, we can all... Actually, do we have it? We do. Okay, so I think I'm going to count down from three and then everybody read it together, okay? Okay.

This is the pace. Three, two, one. In ancient times, the mighty army of the evil sorcerer Mordred brought the legendary King Arthur and his knights to their knees. Lancelot's love for Arthur's wife, Queen Guinevere, proved fatal. Not cool, bro.

It actually explains quite a bit.

Well, wait, but... Reading it now, I have to admit, it explains quite a bit. I will... A lot of my questions answered. But this is the problem with the film.

When I read that three times at the start of the film, I was looking for answers that I couldn't find because it's so much information. Like this one idea here where it says Lancelot's love for Arthur's wife, Queen Guinevere, proved fatal. Well, it did. But she's alive. No, fatal to the kingdom. Fatal through the kingdom.

I think fatal to whoever wrote this. They think she's dead. They think they're dead. I don't know. No, but didn't Arthur... Okay, now I'm going to go back to Camelot. Great. Didn't Arthur lose... Wasn't the entire kingdom threatened because of this affair?

Yes. Okay. I think that's what fatal means. Proved fatal. That seems like the wrong word choice. Like you could have said brought Camelot to its knees. Proved fatal means someone died. Fatal to the monarchy? Fatal to Camelot, right? Or something. Let's not interrogate it too much because let's be honest, this is a fucking disaster. All we need to know is this.

So Mordred and King Arthur were battling, and through a magical accident, one gets sucked into the netherworld, and we know that Lancelot and Guinevere also get sucked there, and then we could say, oh, they fell in love in the meantime. And to my understanding, okay, so Lancelot, Guinevere, Mordred, and the forces of evil get sucked into the other dimension. Yes. King Arthur, the knights of the round table, his men, they all go to sleep? Well...

Because Merlin puts them to sleep. Yes, where? Where are they asleep? The woods. And then Merlin, check this out, Merlin then lives for 1,500 years on Earth, right? And never gets contemporary clothing. Never that.

Yes, that's exactly what I was going to say. Thank you. He never gets, he goes undercover with a lab coat over Merlin's robes? You know what? Who's making these robes? Here's the thing. Here's the thing about Merlin. My favorite scene was when he was, my favorite scene was when he was looking through his robes. But the thing about Merlin and this performance, by the way, is that he's the type of guy who dresses like that and you don't question it.

No, he wants you to ask questions. He's like a guy walking around with a parrot on his shoulder. Absolutely. Like, oh, I don't want to talk about it. Absolutely. And you don't want to give him the satisfaction of asking him why he's wearing like a rope belt. And you just move along. As a doctor, as a scientist or doctor walking around. No. Hey, man, you work here, right? What's up with the robes?

But the problem is, he's in a town that seemingly has three residents. Yeah. Right? The woman who runs the convenience store, that woman's sister whose husband died? Yes. Who's a new patron. Yes. And then I guess down the road a little bit is the... The psychic? Yeah, the psychic. The medium? Kate's mom? Okay, if I could see an entire movie...

about a medium mom and a daughter and a young daughter. To me, that's the most... A medium mom? A medium mom. I thought she was pretty great. I don't think she's just medium. Medium mom and pint-sized girl. I would watch that movie.

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He died. He didn't take off to Hawaii. What? What?

Richie never takes off his leather jacket, even during sleep. Love Richie. But I was obsessed with his mom because later on in the movie, I honestly have never seen this done in a movie, where Richie is in the big scene in the scientist's lab. Richie's mom is being held hostage. And in every other movie, and that's why some things about this movie I'm going to tell you are advanced. Right.

There is a reading of this movie, there are moments in it where I'm like, God damn it, I have never seen anything like this. Mom comes in restrained in her nightgown, and instead of saying, like, Richie, run, get out of here, get out of here, she goes, help me! Help! Help me! Repeatedly. Repeatedly calls to her 11-year-old son to come help her? I've just never seen anything like that. Take him away. That kid should be raised by Merlin.

So much so that Richie is like, I gotta kill Merlin. He's ready to kill him. I think Mordred's mom is cooler and they fuck.

There's a point to the movie where he's calling her mother, mother, mother. Then they have a passionate makeout. Very upsetting. I was rattled. Can I just show Mordred trolling Richie? That's clip six. Mordred really, this is what I was saying, like he kind of is really doing his Dr. Evil here. This is Craig Schaefer from A River Runs Through It. Wow. I'm so sorry. Did nobody know that this is American actor Craig Schaefer?

I don't get it. No, let her go, please. Help me, please, Richie.

Richie, help me, please. Let her go. Your mother's life belongs to me now. What do you want us to do? It's very simple, really. There is the Dr. Evil. What is that? That's insane. Also, this is the scene where I wrote, how does he know his name is Richie?

Mordred, I believe, has never laid eyes on this kid yet. Also, where did the machete come from? All of a sudden, that security guard has a machete that looks like it was... A security guard at a science facility. He's not out in the middle of the jungle that he chopped his way through. He's at a portal facility.

This science facility is badly operated because at a certain point, there are four scientists working in the lab. Merlin comes in and no one pays him any mind. No, because he's got glasses on. That's what I'm saying. They don't ask the question. And a lab coat over his robes, except out of the sleeves are cascading, I'm going to say four to five feet of straps and ribbons or whatever parts of his robes. I couldn't make heads or tails out of it.

Also, real question, and I mean this, why is Tia Carrera helping Mordred? Why? It's a plan that we are not privy to. We're not privy to, but actually, first of all, I think Tia is amazing in this movie. Fantastic. She's fantastic in this. Lover is a blonde. She's always great. She really is. So...

So at the end of the movie, when she's relegated to a lifetime of being raped by that guy, whatever his name is. I wrote that down too. Is that Sir Galwin? Yes, Galwin. Sir Galwin tells her, Don't worry. We're going to have lots of fun. Basically, the final line of the movie is, You're going to be raped for eternity. For eternity.

Get with it. But after a couple thousand years, you might come to love me. And again, I want to... Who knows? I want to suggest that this movie, I believe its intended audience is children. I know. But here's the thing about Tia and what her character wants in the movie, because a few times I thought, let's hear her out. Let's hear out what she wants to do with this...

piece of technology she's building or science. Like, we don't even get to understand what her plan is. It's clearly incredible. She has created portals to a different dimension. Through a helmet that is under armed security, but that she can just take out for a ride at any given point. Multiple times in a day. It seems like she goes to that psychic twice in one day. I wish we could have seen the scene where it occurs to her to bring the helmet to a medium.

Right? Like, what? Huh. Yeah. She's driving by a media, like, hmm. She also puts it in a giant shoebox, and I think the media at a certain point would be like, hey, you should stop coming to me, because if every time you come to me, you say it doesn't work, then I think we're done here. Also, follow-up question, what's the helmet you keep putting behind me? Ha ha ha ha ha.

The opening scene of this movie, I rewound this so many times because the medium has a pint-sized daughter. She's like, I wrote, oh, there's a Blossom in this movie? She's so sweet and wonderful. Because she's wearing a big Blossom hat at one point. Well, Blossom comes in and the psychic says, oh, say hello to Tia Carrera. And she goes, you know, how are you doing? She's like, fine, thank you. And the mom's like, how rude! Yeah.

My rude daughter. She said, fine, thank you. And I was like, is that like a British thing? I don't know. Is fine, thank you, like fuck you, asshole? But it was like, I also had an issue with the ghost skeletons because the ghost skeletons were ghosts, but yet they snuck around. Like they would be like, isn't the whole thing of being a ghost that you can't be seen? And at points, Paul, they were looking back at each other and going,

Like a SWAT team. I've never seen... Again, there are choices in this movie that are so shocking that I had to tip my hat to. Oh, yeah. Like when King Arthur and his men attack a semi-truck. Oh, my God. Okay. I was like... King Arthur... These fucking idiots...

I don't know if it's King Arthur or one of the knights, but when one of them started taking a sword and jamming it into the front vent or whatever that was over and over again, I laughed so hard. It was very funny. And by the way, the truck driver deals with this like...

It's raining. Like it happens all the time. On phase. How was your route? Attacked by ancient bandits again. My favorite thing, too, is they bring back King Arthur, who has woken up from a slumber, and they put him in Merlin's apartment. It's an all-new world to King Arthur. He could look at anything and be amazed by it. It's 2,000 cell phones, computers, anything. He picks up a banana. Yeah.

What is this inferno device? And eats it sideways with the peel on. Like you had bananas. Bananas are not the thing. Like banana is the only thing that you should recognize. Yes, fruit should be universal. Yes, that room has so many things. This, the truck, should blow his mind. The cars should blow his mind. Banana. That's the whole movie, is that choice.

Again, that's what makes me feel like it's for kids. You know, like that's a joke that kids would be like, oh my God, this idiot. By the way, my seatmates brought this up, but Merlin returns. You talked to them? Yeah, of course. Don't do that. Don't encourage them. Don't encourage them to talk to us. But they asked, is this a sequel? And they kept on trying to figure out if it was a sequel. And I did say, well, yeah, where is Merlin returning from? Especially now knowing that he has been here before.

for a long time. The return is like all of them went to sleep and now it's their return. No, but Merlin didn't go to sleep. Merlin's been here the whole time. It's like Merlin colon the return. So that leads to June's question. Is there a Merlin? Merlin colon goes to Greg's.

You know, like there could be like one of the, I mean, but I feel like he is like, he is, again, he has all of his powers. Do you think Merlin is with the medium? Do you think Merlin and the medium are a couple? Real question. First of all, I can't believe Merlin's Fred. So that's. So, you know, he fucks. So, so that's everything I thought about him different now.

I mean, it seems like they would get together. Why wouldn't they? Who else are they talking to in this town? Although the little girl has to apologize to Merlin Midway because she thought he was working for the bad guys. But she just found out there were bad guys when she saw her mom possessed by the green goo. And immediately Kate and Richie were like, we got to get in this woman's trunk and go wherever she's going.

And by the way, I don't want to... And then they fight the forces of evil with a fire hose? And oddly, the son comes home way late. Like, that kid left at 2 in the afternoon and is back at 10.30 at night. And everybody's like, hey, Jephun! I want to go back to Tia Carrera for one second because when she is doing the big scientific project, they go, why don't you just kill Merlin? And she's like, I'm not a murderer. Yeah.

But yet she is bringing back like a sociopath who is ready to kill. Because that was the thing. What is the plan? No idea. What's going on? We don't know. I don't really know what she wanted to do with him. I don't know the rules of any of it. One thing I did appreciate about that science lab is their ability to pop up wherever, whenever. Yep. They pop up that lab. It's like a good burger joint.

It's like, oh my God, it's in a truck over here. Oh, did you hear the burgers? They're at Stonehenge this weekend. Okay, when I saw Stonehenge in this movie, I was like, that looks weird to me. And then I googled Stonehenge. They're not in the same formation. Those rocks are different. Like...

I think that these rocks are different because they were damaged by the spell at the beginning, which in our reality, this, wait, is this based on fact? Am I just now finding out that all of this happened? Is the final battle of King Arthur and Mordred at Stonehenge? No. Somebody said yes so positively in the front and a crowd said no, no, no.

Do we have enough? Do we know? Can I get house lights for a brief second? Is there an Arthurian scholar in the house? Don't point at someone. Let them volunteer themselves. Because my guess, asshole, is she doesn't want to talk. Otherwise, she'd rage.

I don't want to put the pressure on you, but can you tell us just briefly what this movie gets wrong, what it gets right? Just kind of like, yeah. Not all of it. Just a dissertation on this. I'm going to hold the mic, though. I have to hold the mic. So I work at Stonehenge, and I can tell you categorically that's not Stonehenge. Yeah, right. It's different. Well, I knew that wasn't Stonehenge. You work at Stonehenge? Yeah. Fucking cool. Yeah.

So it's not Stonehenge, right? It's like the rocks are in a different formation. And there's not even a legend that King Arthur had a battle there. No. Depends on what you read in terms of mythology, but not really, no. Okay, all right. Well, I want to know what you... All right, there's more. Does anyone else have any more? Paul, can you also... Can you answer if... So isn't Mordred Arthur's illegitimate son? Can anyone answer that?

Oh, yes. Okay. So from what I recall, Arthur had an affair with Morgan Le Fay, who was his sister, half-sister, and then they had a kid who was called Mordred. So Mordred's mom that he's making out with... By the way, this is amazing. How do you know this? Because I fucking read. That's why I... Wait. Are you guys together? No, we're not.

You're married. And you're just now finding out he has a lot of information. Do you want to get divorced right now? All right. Well, you have research? All right. So King Arthur is here. Here we go. Come up here. Let everyone see you, King Arthur. He's back. Welcome, King Arthur. All right. So tell me what you know that you need to tell us about this. Some facts is that Morgana...

is the older half-sister of King Arthur. Okay. So... Mordred's mom. Yeah, so that's the hot goss. That's the hot goss. That's the hot goss. Okay, so I... All right, so... The Mordred's mom. All right, go back to your seat. All right. Give it up for King Arthur! Thank you, King Arthur. We're getting... Thank you. We're getting very specific but brief facts. Brief!

We need a Morgan from Dungeons and Dragons. But this is interesting. This is interesting because I knew Mordred was his illegitimate son. You did? I did know that. From Legend or from the movie? From Legend. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I thought I missed it in the movie. No, it's not in the movie, but I didn't realize what I didn't know is that Mordred's mom was his half-sister. So it's a family affair. Well, I guess it's just...

The word illegitimate, I mean, it's illegitimate in so many ways. It's wrong in so many ways. But what's so interesting then is, so Mordred's mom and... So, wow, okay. So Mordred is the one who outs the affair between Guinevere and Lancelot, right? Let me ask you a question about that before we get off on this too much. What did you think of her braids?

Well, Paul, I'm so glad you asked. So at first I thought they were braids and I was very upset. I thought they might be dreadlocks and I was chilled.

Chill to the bone. They are neither. What are they? They are, and I don't know the term for them, they are just a very, very tight curl. Yes. Long, tight, singular curl. Like tight spirals. Tight little spirals. Wow. Spirals that you could put a number two pencil through. It all sticks. Oh, that's where you hide your pencils in your joints. Yes.

Now, I will say I was disturbed by her chain mail, which showed her chest, which would defeat the purpose of chain mail. Well, and also, I just remember her as being such a beautiful, like, figure in this story. Well, it's hard to do your hair in the netherworld, June. For 1,500 years? She has one curling iron. I guess I just wanted to say, take your fingers and brush it out. Pull it out.

It was really... Honestly, I felt like the director hates this woman. Yes. And this is his way of taking something out on her. She and Lancelot are in the netherworld with Mordred and the forces of evil, right? Yeah. They are given not only free reign to go anywhere and do anything. Lancelot is allowed to have a sword, right?

They... What? What? What? It's like a white-collar prison. Yeah. It's like where Bernie Madoff was. Like, they're in prison, but they're doing okay. He keeps fighting guys with a sword. At some point, mustn't somebody be like, hey, take that fucking guy's sword away? Or, hey, why don't we chain these two up? What's up?

Do they also go down a sewer? Oh, yeah. Because they go down a water slide. They for sure water slide a sewer. But that is like piss and shit slide. Arthur and Lancelot would have pink eye for the rest of the movie.

I mean, that water slide. But here's the thing. That water slide, I was so shocked by it because after seeing the whole movie, I look back on the water slide and I'm like, they spent all of their money on the water slide. Like, there's no other sets. There's no other. That was it, the water slide. For a kid's movie, I'm like, okay, yeah, of course there's a water slide in a kid's movie. Do the kids get near it? Absolutely not.

Also, if that's where all your money goes, you use that up in the first act. Like, I mean, they don't go down that water slide at the end. Like, the movie, like, starts to lose money exponentially as it goes on. That's why we had to pop up our science lab at Stonehenge. Tia Carrere is writing credits on pieces of paper and just throwing them in front of the camera at the end. Like, what? Again, what does she want?

What could she want? She's done it. She's invented portal technology. But just to the netherworld. Don't minimize her achievements. Paul, you know what? I think that's pretty fucking good.

And I don't appreciate you trying to minimize her achievement. She's created a goddamn portal to the motherfucking netherworld. And you're like, no big deal. Anybody could have done that. But, I mean, if you have a hose, you can pretty much close it. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Okay. So let's talk about the hose in the science lab. So what's in there, first of all? Is that water? Water?

Gotta be the hose. I know, but Paul, adult people, like eight adults, are taken out by a garden hose. Powerless. Like a tiny stream of water they're taken out. Let me tell you that I work with an animal trainer on a TV show, and he was talking about working with like orangutans.

And he was like, you know, once an orangutan gets a grip on you, they're not going to let go. That's terrifying. And the only way that you can get them off is if you spray them with water, like in the face from a hose. He's like, so we always have to have a hose ready to fucking spray them in the face. But these are human adults, Paul. Yeah, but when you want to close another world, it works. Hoses work 90% of the time on any problem. Depressed? Use a hose.

Whatever your problem is, use a hose. When the kids are faith, the kids conquer both scientific portal technology and magic with a hose.

Like, I want to be clear. This movie has tons of magic being used. Magic with staffs, with hands, with forehead stuff. With little, like, tasers. Taser magic. There's a ton of genuine motherfucking magic in this movie, plus science, and all it takes is two kids with a hose for everybody to be like, we don't know. Game over. They got us.

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I want to go out into the crowd, but I do want to just... I don't have this clip, but it was one of my favorite moments. At the end of the movie, there's a big fight, and someone gets hit with a sword. It's when King Arthur throws the sword at Mordred. Excalibur. Excalibur at Mordred. Boom, it goes in him. They cut to that mom, and she goes, Ugh!

It was the best. Because it felt real. It felt like, yeah, you'd be like, ooh, that's cool. Again, there are moments. I don't know if we have this clip, but we don't. I should have asked for it before. But there is a shot of Aunt Anne. And Aunt Anne had a very distressing haircut. When I found out they were sisters and not mother and daughter. Oh, you didn't know that? That was her older sister. I lost my mind. Actually.

Actually, I don't know if it was her aunt. No, you're right. It was her older sister. Or her aunt. It would have made sense. Generationally, it didn't add up. Yeah, it was like the parents took a real break. Yes. A real break. She was surprised. Or just working in the country ages you.

That's possible, too, working at that sundry store. Yeah, she's working at a gas station, so all those petrol fumes come in. Well, there's a shot, though, of Aunt Anne, because she's also possessed by the skeleton ghosts. And there's a shot where she's standing behind Richie in the science lab, where she's possessed that is genuinely one of the most terrifying things I've ever seen in all my days. It's so real.

It took my breath away. So there are glimpses, there are portals in this movie where I'm like, I want to see that movie. I want to see Aunt Anne possessed. Yes. You know, and what she did during that time. But the movie that I did see, I didn't like. There's a crazy... I don't like it.

The moment where Mordred, when they've got them all, they've captured everybody, and Mordred's like, hey, Richie, I'm going to kill your mom. And that's when she says, help me, Richie. And instead of being a fucking adult about it and being like, run! Get out of here! And he's like, you've got to kill Merlin. And she's like, you better kill Merlin.

This is some real Voldemort, Draco Malfoy shit right here. This is some real... I believe J.K. Rowling watched this movie and was like, I got it. I'm going to do this one better.

All right, I'm going to go to the audience here for questions. Don't worry, King Arthur, I'll get to you. I'm going to cap off the end of this with you. All right, so you have a question? Okay, what's your name? Cahill. All right, and what's your question? How come Lancelot sacrifices himself over and over again, but it's fine? Yeah, just because nobody dies in the movie.

They couldn't afford to have another person in the movie. No, I feel like in a kid's movie way, nobody really dies except the bad guy. I think that they are all immortal. I mean, he's lived for 1,500 years, right? So I feel like when he comes to Earth at the end, oh, no, then that wouldn't make sense either. But he says he's going to stay behind. So maybe he'll live a mortal life now going forward. But then he would have gotten killed, though, when he had the battle on Earth. I don't remember. I don't remember. And frankly, I don't care. It's a good thing.

And sir, sir, you shouldn't care either. All right, your name and your question. Think about it. If your hand is raised, think about it. Like, do you care about the answer? What do you need to hear? All right, your name? Carl. Carl, what's your question? June mentioned this might be a sequel to something. So if you were to replace one of the kids with Phoebe Cates, could this be pitched as a sequel to Drop Dead Fred?

Ooh, great question. Did Merlin even exist? Was this just a way for a boy and a girl to hide away and maybe find each other? Are all of these characters the imaginary friends of Kate and Richie? I'd love it. All right, your name? Roz. And your question? I just wanted to say that most of the questions could have been answered here with, Your ma? Most of the questions could be answered with, Your ma? Your ma?

Yeah, so why does Lancelot not die? Your ma. What's Tia Carrera's plan? Your ma. You're dangerously close to a t-shirt right here. What year was this made in? Your ma. All right. Yes, your name? Matt. And your question? So at the end of the film, Guinevere gives the kids her wedding ring and kind of winks at them suggestively. Do you think they get married and or divorced? No.

Yeah, I didn't like that. You know, Richie gets knighted and Kate gets a wedding ring. And it was very distressing. But what I did like about that moment is that she was very clear. Like, I'm going to go back with Arthur as a queen.

And here's my wedding ring. It was like, oh, wow, this is an interesting take on marriage. Like, I'm taking the title. They're for sure open. They are Polly. None of the responsibilities. They are now Polly. And this ring ain't no thing.

At the very end, I was going to say, just to piggyback on the end, sorry, before when the ring gets done and the kid gets knighted, I'm pretty sure this is right. When King Arthur says, we're going to go back to the other dimension, he says, besides, there's a whole new dimension out there to conquer? Yeah. Don't love it, my guy. Okay.

I don't love it. Like, be cool, bro. He's basically a Mordred. Everybody's a villain. Everybody's like, got to conquer. Must take control. And then he just turns to the kid and is like, kneel. Didn't love that either from my guy, Arthur. I am in the balcony. Be careful, Paul. All right.

All right, I'm in the balcony. I want to talk to some balcony monsters here. Oh, nice bottle of wine. I like that they sell a full bottle of wine here. Are you kidding? Those people snuck it in. They're in the balcony. There's no way the balcony is buying full bottles of wine at the bar here. I heard they stole it from the people downstairs while they were asking questions. All right, so what's your name? What's your question? Brian. Brian.

As a moment of observation, we wondered, you talked about Tia Carrera's motivation and her grand plan. We wondered if it was a social commentary on the bureaucracy of having to fill out paperwork for a scientific grant. Because it's easier to bring back someone, a 15-year-old wizard, than actually fill out paperwork to do scientific research. All right, so this is from a science perspective that he's... Is he a scientist? Are you a scientist? Yes.

A doctor of philosophy? He's a doctor of philosophy. Get the fuck out of this show, idiot. You're a doctor of philosophy and you're in the balcony? Shame on you. Of course he is. All right. All right. So now your name and your question. My name is Suzanne. My question is, we've already said that it's not Stonehenge. It definitely didn't look like England either. Where was it filmed? South Africa. South Africa.

That I know. I know that for true. All right. Let me go here. I'm going to go over here. Yeah. Okay, sir. Oh, my gosh. Six beer cans. All right. All right. Easy. How are you doing? It's okay. I applaud you. I love it. I applaud you. I love that six beer cans gets an applause break. And they're lined up perfectly. And a lot of people down here are like, pussy. All right. Your name? My name's Yeoman.

I'd like to say a big shout out to Matt Mucker-Rice, who does the sound. Oh, yeah. Very good. I love Matt. You said earlier on about The Return. Have you seen the Sam Neill, Merlin miniseries? It was like two episodes. It's a brilliant show. It's two episodes and they call it a miniseries? It was a Hallmark kind of thing. From how long ago, roughly? 1998. So this film... It is a return. Because it was called Merlin, The Return. And people thought...

It was a follow-up to that, which was amazing, and Rudger Haar was in it, and lots of people. But it wasn't. It's a piece of shit. Wow. You are hypothesizing this is on the trail of a Hallmark movie with Sam Neill. Wait, I'm sorry. Okay, so Fred was not in that one. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe. Fred shows up. Wait, does everybody know the Sam Neill movie? Okay. It's huge. But it's good. But it's good. It's not bad. It's great. It's all right. Double thumbs up. Okay.

Wow. Honestly, he did so well for six beers in. I mean, not for nothing, maybe the best point of the night. Maybe the most information given tonight. And all I have to say to you is, your ma. All right, we do have our King Arthur to bring us home. King Arthur, you have pages of notes. I can't believe nobody else came in costume. Cowards. Cowards.

All right. So what's your name and what's your best question? My name is Dr. Michelle Port. Okay. You're a doctor too? Of what? Is everyone a doctor here? Of what? Doctor of science, baby. A doctor of science? Wait, are you... I'm a doctor of science, baby, which might be a shirt. I'm a doctor of science, baby. That's a pretty good shirt. Dot, dot, dot, your ma.

I'm a doctor, your ma. I'm a doctor of science, baby, dot, dot, dot, your ma, exclamation point. I think it's I'm a doctor of dot, dot, dot, your ma. That's pretty good, too. That's pretty good, too. Okay, what do you got for us, doc? I do have a question, but first I just want to say that today is one of the best days of my life. I dream of coming to this podcast, a live show. I'm sorry.

And so I love you, June. I'm a woman of significance. I love you, Jason. I love you, Paul. I love you, Belfast. Oh, that was sweet. We love you. And now you've set yourself up. Oh, geez. You're going to get a question. You're going to get one. Don't worry. Don't worry. I'm just saying that you set yourself up that this question better be good. Like, really, it's got to be good. All right, here we go. And it's a question for you, Paul. Oh, for me? Oh, geez.

Did the character of Mordred resonate with you when he kissed his mother on the mouth? There she is! Yes! Wow! Nailed it! You did it! You did it! Wow! What was your name? What was your name? What's your name?

Michelle. Incredible job, Michelle. Wow. Holy shit. Dr. Michelle. Holy moly. Best question of the tour. So much buildup. I'm done. So much anticipation. I didn't think you could do it, and you did it with, it blew my mind. That was amazing. Wow. Wow. She's been sitting on that the whole show. And you must have been, that's why she wanted to go first, because she was nervous somebody else was going to say it.

And then, boom! That's what a doctor of science does. Yep. My... Holy shit. That's what a doctor of your mom... After the show, you better be taking pictures with her. Don't come to us. I had a feeling it was going to be good. All right, so the one person who decided to sing a second opinion, you can come on down. One person, that's it. We have one here in Belvedere.

Okay. I want to say something. It's her husband. Can we get some house lights up? The guy who's going to sing a song just gave a tender kiss to Michelle. Well, they are married. They're together. Oh, man. Belfast, you're breaking my heart.

Well, obviously, wow, we've had a lot of opinions here tonight. Makes me want to watch the Sam Neill movie Merlin, or sorry, miniseries. But there are people out there with a different opinion. It is now time for second opinions. All right, I'm Sören. I'm the husband of the amazing Micheli. As you already know.

When you've got Arthur and Lancelot and Merlin, yay! In present day, this does sound like a good old fun-fine romp. But when you do not have a script, the king's mustache has not been clipped, then this production is doomed to bomb. Leather jackets are showing on connectors and we're wondering where this is going, like T.R.'s career.

Color grading is more missed than hit. All the VFX just look like shit. Mod Red and his minions can't help to stop us from hearing second opinions. Second opinions. Oh, yeah. Yes! Wonderful. Great job. Great job. You go back to your seat. That's right. Absolutely wonderful. That's right, Belfast. There are heroes among you.

They live together. They're going to fuck so hard tonight. They're hugging. Yeah. Michelle's like, yeah. There's just nothing sexier than a man introducing himself in relation to a woman. Yes. I loved it. A woman dressed as King Arthur. That's right. From this movie. I loved it. A doctor of science, baby, who's dressed as King Arthur from this movie.

I hope they fuck with the outfit on. You know, it's truly like it is big Merlin energy she's bringing. It's like... That BME. That big Merlin energy.

I wish you made your husband paint his forehead with whatever Merlin had on there, like that little triangle. Wow! I will say the interesting thing about this was the art director of this film, and maybe knowing that the budget was only £20,000, the art director of this film did win the Director's Guild Award for Best Art Direction on No Time to Die, the James Bond movie. Oh!

and was nominated for Wonder Woman and for The Batman with Robert Pattinson. Oh, so recent nomination. Okay. Yeah, so this person... Well, this was probably the beginning. I mean, this is like 20-some-odd years ago. Well, he made the woods look good. There we go. He made the woods look good, and he made Stonehenge look like Stonehenge? Stonehenge, surrounded by forest. Is that true, Stonehenge expert? Yes.

Nope. Okay. There are 152 reviews on Amazon. Not that many. 49% are five-star. That's pretty low. Joanne Klonowski writes, This is for Merlin fans first of all. And we see things different. Watching this, I felt jealous that I could not have starred in it. Lighten up, people. It's fun.

You should be watching Archie Bunker, LOL. Five stars. A few different avenues that they went down there. Why? Yes. Whoa. I felt jealous that I could not have starred in it. And you should all be watching Archie Bunker? The crazy thing about the first line is like it implies that this reviewer has starred in other movies. Or auditioned for this movie? Yeah.

Or, I mean, I was going to, I mean, maybe this movie made Joanne Klonowski want to be an actor. Wow. We'll never know. Thomas B. writes in his title, this is not a movie. I don't disagree. I'm with him so far. And continues by saying, it's an experience. Yes.

I guess that's true. It's from a time I've never known and a place I've never been in a life I'll never live. Watch it with your family. Your friends. Watch it alone. There's no better way to spend a day. Five stars. Wow. Wow. There is a loneliness epidemic. Yeah.

I can think of so many better ways to spend the day. At 89 minutes... While watching this today, I was like, there's so much I'd rather be doing. At 89 minutes, you have a lot... You can still enjoy the day. I mean, really. You can put that on and get out of the house pretty early. What I do like about this is it goes...

It's from a time I've never known, yet it is from the year 2000. They are primarily in the year... Quite a bit of it is from modern times. And then we go to this one, which I really enjoyed, from Snorpson. Snorpson? Snorpson. Snorpson. Snorpson. So the son of Snorp? Snorpson.

Etymologically speaking. I love the Smurfs, I love the Snorks, and I love Snorps. Fucking amazing movie. The wife and kids hate it, but I don't know why. It's my favorite movie right now. He wrote this in 2022. Only one minus star because there were no kittens. I want to say, are you done? No. Please go.

Truly, my favorite thing is the, in all caps, HARD CORE male friendships. Then, in all caps, I wear the same tighty-whities as Merlin! What the fuck was that ending, though? Why would Gawain say that? Unsettling. I will force my family to rewatch this movie until the day I die.

Five stars. Holy shit. What's crazy about that, what's crazy about that is it's insane on every level and yet someone loves Snorpson enough to marry him and carry his children. Like this person has a family. What? What am I doing wrong?

I do love the idea of hardcore male friendships. I love it. I don't know what it means, but I love it. But it's important to snorps in. It's so important. And who are the hardcore male friendships in this movie? Lancelot and Arthur? No. Well, I mean, they come back to being friends. Hardcore male friends. Merlin and the boy. They have to have a sword fight first. Your ma. Your ma.

It's pretty. Thank you for that, by the way. It's really a great tag. All right. I will say the one thing that is right about this movie. No one brought this up. This is one of the few live action productions based on Arthurian legend, which the actor portraying Merlin is younger than the actor playing King Arthur.

After playing Merlin... So, I think that Merlin is... I think they often cast Merlin as an old wizard. Yeah, Merlin is kind of like the Gandalf of those stories, so much so that he even has to find his pipe in this. Well, but when you cast Fred, you, I mean...

He's timeless. He's ageless. Did Merlin know? Also, Merlin, I mean, maybe, maybe I'll give you that people in the netherworld don't age because it's a different dimension. But Merlin is here on Earth for 1,500 years and does not age one second. Is that just magic? Sure. It's your ma. It's your ma.

We've empowered you too much. We've given you a weapon that is too good. Your ma is like the Excalibur of this show. You pulled it from a rock, ma'am. All right, would you recommend this movie? Now I'll ask the audience first. Would you recommend anyone watching this movie who's listening to the podcast? I'm hearing no. Anyone that would? Like maybe six people.

Maybe six fucking idiots. And one of them is the guy who drank six beers. Now, Jason, June, I want to hear your opinion, but I also want you to know that I may have a very big surprise for you. But here we go. It was tough. It was very tough, I will say. It was a tough watch. I was confounded and confused throughout. For the podcast, sure, watch it. Do you need to? Absolutely not. Because it's straight nuts. Yeah, I...

I guess if you're going to watch it, like be doing something else, you know, fold your laundry, do a crossword. Like don't go head on with this thing. Don't take it on like on a one on one. Cause yeah, it's not safe to, to consume it that way. Um, but it is something, here's what I'll say. It's something to see. It's a movie. Is it? I am going to say this.

controversial opinion, but sticking with who I am as a person. While I thought Merlin was good, it was Mordred's movie. It is Team Mordred. Wow. I am Team Mordred. More Mordred. Wow. That's a real heel turn for you. I love that. That's interesting, Pom. I'm not mad at it. And is it because he made out with his mom? Oh!

Thank you, Belfast. Give it up for Jason. Give it up for June. Paul Scheer. Thank you so much, Belfast. Once again, give it up for your hometown, Matthew Rice. Beth Thomas, our stage manager. Thank you so much.

And that concludes our first ever show in Belfast. Thanks so much to everyone who came out to see us live, the staff at Ulster Hall, our tour manager, Beth Thomas, and our recording engineer, Matt Rice. All right, people, we have a great t-shirt here, but you know what I also want to tell you about? A great book that I wrote, a New York Times bestselling book, thanks to you,

Joyful Recollections of Trauma is now available Canada, UK, all across the United States. You can get it anywhere that you get your books and your audio books. I appreciate it, recommend it, review it. It really, really helps. And you know what?

I want to now tell you about t-shirts. The shirt that we made for this episode says, I'm a doctor of Yamaha, which has a picture of all-star audience member Michelle dressed as King Arthur. You can buy this shirt and every other shirt that we've made at tpublic.com slash stores slash HDTGM. And let me let you know that this weekend we are going to be in Boston. That's right, on Father's Day. Come see.

See us. We would love to see you there, Boston. And guess what? We're putting a balcony monster tickets on sale right now. We're going to be actually doing the movie communion, which is from my book, joyful recollections of trauma. And then we're going to be at the Nantucket film festival on Thursday, June 20th, the movie communion.

is a shark film called Bait. Go to hdtgm.com to get tickets for both shows. And as always, if you have a correction or an omission from this episode, leave me a voicemail at 619-P-A-U-L-A-S-K or write a comment on our Discord at discord.gg slash hdtgm. Then make sure to tune in to next week's Last Looks follow-up episode on Monday.

Merlin the Return to hear me respond to your messages and announce our next movie and chat with Jason about all sorts of fun stuff. Remember, if you listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, please make sure that you are subscribed to our feed and you have automatic downloads turned on

in the show settings. It helps us and we appreciate it so much. And last but not least, I have to thank our entire team who this show couldn't be done without. I'm talking about our producers, Scott Sonny, Molly Reynolds, our movie picking producer, Averill Halle, and our engineer, Casey Holford, and our associate producer, Jess Cisneros. That's all I got, people. We'll see you next week for Last Looks. Bye for now. I just can't be... I just can't be...

Pulling up to Mickey D's just for drinks. Oh yeah, that's me. Nothing extra, just perfection and a straw. Coming in hot for the coldest cups on the block. Because there are drinks. Then there are drinks from McDonald's. Mix things up with any size lemonade or sweet tea for $1.49. Perfect with our classic fries. Price and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.