Matinee Monday: Winter's Tale w/ Andy Daly
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Now it's time for...

Hello, people of Earth, and welcome to How Did This Get Made? I am joined, as always, by Jason Manzoukas. How are you, Jason? Oh, boy, I sat through this movie today. Ha ha ha.

I'm not happy about it. Neither am I. Sadly, June Diane Rayfield will not be here today. Heartbreaking. I would love to hear what she has to say about this movie. I felt like I really was bummed because I feel like she's... I feel like she could have loved this movie. I think she might have thought this movie was amazing. I know. I talked to her about it last night. So let's try it moments...

To find what June might have liked about this. Well, maybe our special guest will channel the energy of June, Diane Raphael. Very special guest. First time guest. He is the star of the brand new Comedy Central Show review, which starts on March 6th. And the star of the Earwolf podcast, the Andy Daly podcast podcast.

Please welcome Andy Daly. Thank you very much. It is actually called the Andy Daly Podcast Pilot Project. Believe it or not, it is called that. I myself always get it wrong. Oh, okay. No, that's the most descriptive title possible. Right, because people submit pilots to it. That's correct. I'm excited to actually do a podcast with you, Andy. I don't think we've ever done anything before. That's true. No, we never have.

That's really exciting. Yeah, very exciting. Yeah. I want to say this straight off the bat. I saw this movie at 1.30 this afternoon. Yes. Was anybody else in the theater? I was ushered into a completely empty theater upon the movie. Okay, I could talk for the full hour about just the trailers before this movie. I would love to talk about Blended, the trailer. Can we talk about We Are Going to Africa? That's Blended. Yeah. What? What? What?

I want to talk about that forever. But right as trailers ended and right as the movie started, somebody walked in and I was like, oh, fuck. Now I got to share this whole theater. I had a private screening. Andrew Daly. It was me. We sat next to each other. We had a very romantic time. Yes, it was really nice. Well, I sat last night in a theater with another person who left midway through. Because they came probably. Because they finished jerking off.

This movie, it's so interesting because... Horse pervert. Someone who's into horses that are actually dogs that are actually Pegasus. This movie, I want to give it like a participation ribbon. For what? Because I feel like everyone... It was barely participating. I feel like people showed up and they were trying. I feel like

People were trying. I can say something in defense of this film. I told my wife last night that I was going to go see this, and she is one of these people who reads books. Right. And she pointed out that this had been a book. And a very successful book. And a successful one that she read and liked.

And so it is, let's just say right off the top, always a challenge to turn a novel into a movie. And when it's magical realism on top of it, an extra challenge. So this has got a little bit of the time traveler's wife element going on. Well, let me just say something about this movie, just to give it a background. It is a book. It's on New York Times best books of the 20th century. Wait, what? Yes, it's a very popular book. Okay.

Best books of the 20th century because the New York Times says so or because enough people bought that book? Is that a rating or is that a volume? It was listed, it was included in the New York Times 22 most important works of American fiction. Wow! Yes. So, but the book

Of the 20th century? Well, that was my edition. So this is important work. I was going to say, like, that's a lot of books in the 20th century. Well, this is American fiction. That's pretty bananas. That's pretty crazy. And this book has been labeled and deemed unfilmable. Martin Scorsese. Oh, and proved. Yeah, proven. Proven. Martin Scorsese was supposed to do this movie. Oh, really? And walked away and said it is unfilmable.

Well, I read that Gangs of New York was an attempt to film this movie. Oh, really? No, I'm just kidding. It is. It's almost identical to Gangs of New York. Magical Gangs of New York is basically it. This movie, it's...

There's so many things about it that are glaring and then so many things about it that are just, wait, I can't. We were talking right before it started. I don't even know if I could explain this movie to anyone. Oh, I simply cannot explain. As an exercise, I was trying to explain the plot to myself and I didn't get very far because as soon as I hit on the word miracles, I realized I don't understand what miracles mean in this movie and I don't understand their relation to stars. Or destiny. Or destiny.

Destiny, I don't understand that. The whole movie seems predicated on everyone has a miracle that they are capable of giving out, and that is their destiny. Yeah, yes. And as long as your destiny is unfulfilled, then you are immortal? Right.

But wait, but there is something about, but there is something also about that too because I wrote down one of the things. Well, I guess this is kind of at the end. The end, this is not to spoil anything, but it says when the- You spoil anything. It wouldn't make sense. If you watch this movie in reverse order, it would make the same amount of sense. It is about, I guess it's about destiny, but it also doesn't take into account that like

Like in this movie, everything works out well, right? So what about the people who things don't work out well for? Like that's the question. I don't know. Yeah. Is it the case in this movie? And I don't think we'll ever solve these questions. But is it the case that every human has one miracle that they can call on to?

Is that what it is? I don't know if that's it because then everybody would be full of magic all the time. Well, here's my question. The world would be like magic fucking city. No. You see, now here's the thing, and this brings a good point because I thought about this. Magic city on stars. Magic city. Love that. Miami. Hot. People liked it.

But here's the thing. If everyone has one miracle, then wouldn't Russell Crowe want to kill everyone? That's what I would think. Because Russell Crowe wants to kill him. So I don't think everybody has a miracle. So let me try my exercise. Okay. All right. So Russell Crowe is a demon, right? Yes.

he was grooming Colin Farrell to also be a demon, I think we can say. And Colin Farrell was too virtuous and ran away and didn't want any part of the demon lifestyle, which made Russell Crowe fixate on him as someone that he had to get. And then Russell Crowe came to believe that Colin Farrell is going to use his miracle and that

makes him all the angrier, makes destroying him all the more urgent, because it's a win for the other side. That's where I lose the thread. Right. He says to Lucifer, that's a win for the other side, and we don't want that, especially because she's a virgin. He makes a special effort to talk about virgin blood. Yeah, well, he kills that waiter who he also called a virgin. Oh, really? Yeah, because he could only...

Well, I want to get... We'll take it back a little bit and then... The thing that's... I think you're right, Andy, but... That is actually a very succinct... I don't think Colin Farrell knew Russell Crowe was a demon, first of all. Right. No. But Russell Crowe is like a demon...

Like a hilarious demon who's literally working for Lucifer. Right. Spoiler alert, played by Will Smith. That's the big surprise cameo that everyone is talking about. Is anybody talking about it? I just know that it's very much people are like, we can't tell you who the surprise is, but when you see the surprise, you're going to know it. It's great. Oh, it's awful. It's awful. It's a terrible couple of scenes that he's in. Yeah.

Should we just start at the beginning? We should. I think if we start at the beginning and try and work our way through, we might get somewhere. And I will say this much about Will Smith's character. I think he was sold on this movie by going, you can come in for a day and you can just totally score. And you're Lucifer. You're the devil.

And $2 million for one day's work, I'll bet you. Oh, easily, right? Easily. Okay, so the first thing opens on Adam Sandler, okay? He is a guy being set up on a blind date with Drew Barrymore. This blended movie...

Okay. It's arguably as confusing as this movie. This trailer, I could not wrap my head around this trailer at all. Please watch it. I woke June up last night and made her watch the trailer because it was so- Is there any way to drop the entire trailer into the episode right now? I think we could, but it's much more visual. You won't get the Dr. Scholl- Okay, so they're on a date.

Are you really going to go through this? Drew Barrymore eats something spicy, and she's like, oh, no, too spicy. And then he's like, well, here's this French onion soup. And then she scarfs the French onion soup with cheese all over her face. And it has like a big cheese mound. A big cheese glob in her mouth. It's gross. And then it's like, oh, I guess those two won't work out. But then for some reason, their credit cards got swapped. So they have to meet up again. Yes. And when they meet up again. I buy that. I buy that. Yeah. They realize that.

her sister is dating his boss and each of them were they were both supposed to go on a vacation together no no no no wait what no no his sister Drew Barrymore's sister was dating Adam Sandler's boss that's what I said by the way and then

And they were going to go on a vacation together. But now they broke up, they can't. Correct, yes. So then they both independently of each other. I get it, yes. Okay, all right. So Drew Barrymore asks her sister, hey, can I have the Africa tickets? And Adam Sandler asks his boss, hey, can I have the Africa tickets? Yes. And then they both say...

In split screen, we're going to Africa. But they don't know each other until they get to Africa. Well, they've just had one terrible blind date. Oh, okay, okay. But also, I don't understand how they bought these tickets because the amount of kids. Now there's twice as many people. Now they each have like three kids. Now there's twice as many people on the trip as should be, I feel like. It's like Brady Bunch goes to Africa. Yes, it's just like the Hawaii episodes of the Brady Bunch, only in Africa, as if the episodes happened when Mike and Carol started dating.

And it's just full of like crazy jokes that make no sense. I was mystified by this. I thought it was a good omen that that was playing before. But go watch that trailer. Do yourselves a favor. Go watch that trailer. I'm sorry I missed it. I was getting popcorn.

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So this movie basically opens up, well I mean, we can't get into the past and present, let's just go from the past. It's constantly jumping between...

Three different, two different time periods. Yeah. From two. Well, I mean, there's also, I have a question about how long, because I also feel like was, well, I'll get into that question later. So let's just say this though. Early in the movie, we see a Colin Farrell who has longer hair than the guy that we spend most of the movie with. Yes. And that's just a mystery, right?

It's just a total mystery. Who is this guy? When is this guy? It's a mystery that gets solved later, but it's not one of those little mysteries that gets dangled early. Did you see the scene where they put the baby in the boat? Well, yeah. Well, I want to talk about the baby in the boat. We've got to talk about that. That's important. But anyway, I was going to say about that thing. You know, like in Goodfellas when it opens on this mysterious thing and we don't understand what it is. And we're excited and interested to find out what's leading up to this. When we're going to catch up to that.

This, in contrast, is simply confusing. That we see him with longer hair and then we see him with shorter hair for a long time. We just know that he exists in the past and the present, but there's no payoff in that scene. Yeah, it's 2014 and 1913, right? 1916. But here's the other thing. In 2014, and we can kind of dissect some of the plot here too, because he seems to be living above...

Times Square in 2000. Grand Central Station. No, in the past. No, no, in the present. No, in the present, he lives in that apartment. But no, but he was up there going in the little drawer. I don't know that he lived there. He discovered it. Oh, okay. He discovered where he used to live. Yeah, what it is, is that's the first symptom of his memory returning because he remembers that place.

And he finds the box with his memories. But he was never there. He was in 1916. No, because his parents went through Ellis Island. No, and then they had to go back. Yeah, but why would they ever be in Grand Central Station? That's where he lived, remember? That's where he lived. He lived in the roof of Grand Central Station. But that's my issue. I don't think it...

His parents steal that little toy boat. Yes. Okay. Put a little baby. Put a little baby. Okay. So the movie opens on Ellis Island. Okay. And there's a Russian couple with a baby. Yes. And they're trying to get in to the country. They're Russian? I believed so. Okay. Or they were Irish or something. They better be Irish because Colin Farrell oddly has an Irish accent but was never brought up in Ireland. They sounded Russian.

To me. But I don't know. That's just confusion. It wouldn't even help explain why Carl Carroll has an accent. Accents in this movie were a disaster. A big disaster. Yes. Okay, so then, how dare you kick me, Andy Daly? You son of a bitch. I didn't want, I felt like you were possibly insulting Russell Crowe's accent. Russell Crowe's performance in this movie makes Bill the Butcher look very mellow.

Very small. They are rejected and because of a pulmonary infection. Consumption is a very big theme. Yes. So the two parents are sent back to wherever the fuck they came from. Right. But while they're leaving, they take a model boat out of the ship they're now on headed back to Ireland slash Russia. Yes.

They hollow it out. They put their baby in it, and they drop it over the side of the ship. By the way, terrible idea that, A, you're putting a baby in a model boat. Yep. Right. And they look to be miles away from shore. Oh, yes. They are very far away. What they did to that child is unsurvivable. Yes, it is. It could not be survived. They might as well have said, we need to save our child from going back to where we come from. Let's shoot it. Yeah.

And by the way, I won't say this much, not in the novel. I know that for sure. Are you serious? Very serious. Because here's what's weird about that. What? That's the only way it makes sense is if it's in the novel. It's totally unnecessary. You don't need that scene at all. Exactly. All you need to know is that he was raised an orphan and had no money. Maybe. It would be nice to know that. I mean, they could have just been like, because the parents are like, can we leave the baby here?

Why would they leave? And maybe the guy could have just been like, sure, there's a baby drop right over there. There doesn't need to be anything to do with Ellis Island whatsoever. And now he is brought up by Graham Greene. Yes. Oh, I thought that was Jack So from Barney Miller. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Amazing. So he's brought up by Graham Greene, who has a Native American affectation to his voice. Correct. And so Colin Farrell. And not just that, but he like, he.

And a ponytail. He speaks of our peoples, and we believe in 12... Yes. Whatever. 12 songs. Yeah. He speaks with the gravitas of an ancient kind of Native American spirit or something. He's a wisecracking mystic. But meanwhile, Colin Farrell came out with a...

thick Irish brogue. Yeah. But now here's my question. See, I don't think he ever lived above Grand Central because he was raised by Graham Greene. No, this is what happened. As an adult, he lived there. I do think I know this. Because he's saying to her later, he's like, I ran away. The streets were the only home that I really felt comfortable in. And that's when Russell Crowe took him under his wing. And he became like a roustabout.

Okay. Actually, I know what it is. And then, because remember when he finds the white horse. Yeah. And he brings the white horse to the guy to say like, will you board the horse for the night? Yeah. The guy says, you can't keep living up in the attic. The guys are looking for you. Got it. And then there's that shot where he's opening the door in the sky. I do remember that. So it may just be that he was above Grand Central while he was hiding out from Russell Crowe for a short period of time. Well, because also Russell Crowe had no idea where to find him. Right. So if he was living above. It felt very, it was Hugo. It's basically. Yes. Hugo.

The most interesting part of this movie was, I was like, oh, I wonder if there are those panels at the top of Grand Central Station where you can peek your head out like that. Yeah. I thought that was neat. I thought that was neat too. That was a good, I liked the effect of that. Yes. Now. Also putting him in the stars in the sky. Love him. That's where he longs to be, in the stars in the sky. Beginning of us not understanding what stars mean to this movie. But the movie also opens up with a very long monologue. And I,

Like in voiceover. Yeah, I was like, this VO means nothing. There is nothing. I don't get anything. It explains absolutely nothing. But it's so long that you can't get it in. It returns at the end and similarly explains nothing. I wrote down the end one because I thought- Oh, you did? Yeah, I did. The end one is this. What if the universe loves us all equally so much so that it bends over backwards across the centuries for each one of us?

That's one of the lines. What? Tells me nothing? Yeah. And it's too late at that point to try and explain this movie anyway, and that's not even an attempt to do it. So then we're kind of now, we're going back and forth between the past and the present. We are the past. Yeah, the past. Wait, you mean 19... 19... 1916? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then we meet up with Colin Farrell, who is...

Now running... He's on the run from Russell Crowe's bad guys. Yes. Who are sort of a cartoony version of the Pug Uglies. Yeah.

In a way. Yep. Oh, I agree. Yeah. I agree. And Russell Crowe had some crazy scars on his face. Yep. And this weird haircut that has three little... This will come in later. Yes. Three little... Yeah, like stripes in the back of his head. He's like a hip hop in the 80s when they... Like a buffet or something. You would shave lines in the side of your head. I don't know if you had that. I did. That I thought was very cool. Mm-hmm.

Guys, that was pretty fucking cool. Yeah, come on. So he finds a horse. So he's running from these bad guys. And he sees a horse, a white horse. And it was someplace. He's like on the docks in Red Hook.

Yes. And he's getting away except that he slips on the ice and falls. Yeah. And that gives the bad guys time to scale a fence. But then luckily, the bad guys, by the way, have guns. Yes. Oh, true. But almost never shoot at him. Oh, no. And Russell Crowe explains. He goes, no, no, no, boys. I want to go slow with the knives. And by the way, when he finally does get to get his comeuppance, he does not

do that at all he does not he head boxes him is that what you're talking about yeah he does head butts him three times when he finally gets his pants that's the strangest fight I've ever seen it was crazy so this magical well we don't know what's magical a horse appears and kneels down to him yep

As if to say, get on my back. Right. And he does. I feel like there are so many people, listeners, I'm going to guess they're all women, who read this book that are like, you fucking idiots. You don't get it. You're missing all the good stuff.

I'm going to say... Listen, it's not called How Did This Get Written. We're not under any obligation to write the book. By the way, please listen to our new podcast, How Did This Get Written. We have to put this under the same rules as Mortal Kombat. People got very upset about Mortal Kombat. You don't know the rules. It's like, no, no, no. Hey, guess what? That movie is still terrible. That movie is terrible. So...

So this scene now, when he gets on this horse, right? As soon as he gets on the horse, Russell Crowe, who is looking forward to killing this guy, then has a line where he goes, he's got the goddamn horse. Doing absolutely nothing to prevent him getting the horse. He could have done a lot of things. Like we said, they all have guns. They all have guns. And they're literally an army of, I would say, at least 25 guys. They could have pulled him off the horse, knocked him down. And Russell Crowe knows the significance. They could have shot at him at this point. At this point, Russell Crowe should be like, oh, you know what? What?

Knife plan aborted. Just shoot the fucker. By the way, shoot him in the shoulder and then you can knife him all day long. Thank you, Paul. Shoot him in the shoulder. Guys, aim for the shoulder, everybody. You can still get all the knife play that you want. Shoot him, but don't kill him. That's something you're allowed to say as a gangster. Exactly. So now this horse...

Takes off. Takes off and jumps very high over a giant fence. Makes it a totally impossible jump. Yeah. Which, now, there are magical elements in this movie. Yes. But Colin Farrell is not aware of magic. Yes. He's not. He's not.

He's living in a non-magic world. Yes. And yet, he is not stunned, shocked, surprised. He's kind of like, wow, you made that jump. That was quite a jump for a horse. Throughout the movie, things that are just completely impossible happen, and all of the people who have no precedent for this are like, cool, I get it. Like, unfazed by cruelty.

Magic. And that's a problem. Like, I understand. Okay, magic is fine, but you have to have some rules in your magical universe. Like, here's an example. Some rules. Here's an example. Just a couple of things that we, because you can't explain, again, you really can't even explain what, it's good and evil. We get that, but confound is not necessarily good. And it's also, the framework is a very understandable story line.

It's gangster versus gangster. It's like the good gangster versus the bad guys. So I understand the framework of it, but then there's this scene where Russell Crowe is with his crony, and he's Kevin Corrigan, and it's like, we got to get this guy. We got to find him. We got to get him. We got to...

And he's like, well, we look at everywhere, boss. And he's like, sometimes the light comes onto the gems. You think I steal these gems because I want the gems? No, I steal the gems because the light loves the gems. And the gems love the light. And then he mixes up gems on a table. Like marbles. He's like, the sun shines on them. Like a sleaze deck. The sun.

shines on them and then he points to a table next door and goes Yahtzee. My favorite moment Yahtzee. And then the light from the gems illuminates and creates like an Indiana Jones in the Raiders of the Lost Ark kind of creates what's it called? Penn Station or whatever. Great Penn Station Grand Central rather and he's like Grand Central that's where he is. Kevin Corrigan never once was like what the fuck is happening?

Kevin Corrigan at that point should lose his fucking mind. And he's like, okay, boss, I'll round up the guys. We're going to Grand Central. So you're some sort of magic demon guy, right? Because that's shit I've never seen before. But by the way, you could argue in this movie, because everything is so not defined, that Kevin Corrigan could have also been a demon. We don't know. I don't think so. Maybe. But I feel like it's like... So is he the only demon? I think so. No, for that territory.

Remember, because Will Smith says, you are the demon for the five boroughs in the greater tri-state area. By the way, I wonder if that's historically accurate. Were all five boroughs consolidated under the city in 1916? We're going to have to find out. We've got to get an historian in here. I also feel like I was confused. Well, I was also confused.

There's so many things about this. I was confused about where Russell Crowe worked, what his front was, because in both worlds, they walk through this very... In one world, it's chalkboards. In the next world, it's computer screens. I was like, fuck you! And it was so...

But they look like they were like, I think in the first one it was like toys too. Really? I noticed they had like- But it was all chalkboards. Yeah, it was all chalkboards talking about like what black market thing, like gold or whatever, black market nonsense, like crime. Everything is so generalized in this.

It's like they are generalized crime bad guys. Right. You know? Now, this scene, we've seen Russell Crowe in the horse scene. And about halfway through this hologram scene is when I first went, oh, is he trying to do an Irish accent? I thought so, too. Yeah.

Because in his first scene, I thought he was just doing his regular Australian accent. Yes. Yeah. But then I realized later he was trying to do an Irish accent. And by the way, he is really, I mean, Jason's performance of the gems speech was about a three. I mean, he's coming in hot at a ten. He's really chewing this up. It's big. It is a big. Was there a time?

a time that Russell Crowe could like act and he forgot there was right I think so he was great he was good in LA Confidential right great in LA Confidential he was totally good in the gladiator right yeah beautiful mind he's good he's done a lot something happened on that Les Mis thing oh no earlier than that he became some sort of unhinged monster but you know what seven years ago he's got Marlon Brando disease which is like oh my god I didn't know oh no

Oh my God, no. Oh gosh. Now I feel terrible that we're making fun of him. I didn't know he has MBD. Yeah, he has MBD. He has MBD full-blown? Oh, no, he's full-blown MBD? Full-blown Z. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, it's not looking good. He's going to make a lot of bad choices for the rest of his career. Terry Gilliam is psyched.

But that's kind of the energy that he gives off. Marlon Brando, I think, at a certain point, just is like, oh, no, I'm a great actor, so I'm going to play this character super gay. So much so that it's an offensive stereotype. But I'm Marlon Brando, and I feel like, he's like, yeah, yeah, this works. It just seems like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can sing Les Mis. I should be in Les Mis, right? You know what? I think I actually can't take him seriously anymore after that, to be honest. That he thought to himself, I'm a singer. I sing with 30-odd foot of grunt. I believe that's the name of his band. You're right, it is. I can pull this off and...

Yeah, because really, I mean, look at this. He has good movies. It's L.A. Conventional, Master and Commander. Earlier, too, like the Australian movies were good, too. Like Romper Stomper's great. Like those movies, too, are great. Pretend to Yuma. Come on. His brain broke. Yeah. So he's doing an Irish accent. Okay. So...

What we have yet to introduce because it's already confusing enough is the other main character of most of this movie, which is Lady Sybil. Yes. From Downton Abbey. From Downton Abbey. Who I think, I would argue, you give her the best performance of the movie. Without a doubt. Does...

amazing work with terrible lines. She is giving horrible lines and just fucking sells the shit out of it. I was in love. I love Lady Sybil. Yes, me too. With all of my heart. And I thought she was awesome in this movie, even though she's meant to be like fevery and dying. Yes. And in that first scene, she's pretty spacey. And so I was like, well, what's going on? But then she explained she's dying of a fever. You mean she was like Kevin Spacey? She was very much like Kevin Spacey. She was very House of Cards.

One interesting thing, they go out of their way to explain why she has a British accent, which only makes Colin Farrell's Irish accent more glaring. They should never have commented on it at all. Why not just hire a British actor to play the William Hurt part?

You know, like I couldn't figure that out. They got what he heard on the hook, you know? They've got an American father and she was raised in London. It was very, now this is also one of those examples where magic is happening and no one reacts. The eye doctor comes over to check her out for old fashioned eyeglasses, which is, you know, whatever. She's supposedly dying any day now, but might as well be able to read a little better. And

And I love, by the way, I do want to say... And by the way, she never wears those glasses. She never wears those glasses. Never wears them. Those glasses are never even produced. Yeah. That's a good point. They are just, it is just a device in order to get her talking about the light. And then all of a sudden the light comes into the room and then like illuminates everything. And this is one of many scenes that could go. We don't need it. Yes. Oh, we definitely don't need it. And also confusing to...

me as an audience member going, am I the audience and her seeing this or is the eye doctor and the father seeing this as well? they are not seeing it. They're not seeing the light. Because what she's explaining is how she, because of the fever allows her to see the kind of lights that everybody can't see. Right. Blah, blah, blah. But that would, now that would make sense, but,

There's other parts of the movie where everyone sees the lights being crazy. Yes. So I'll add lights to miracles and stars as like sort of supernatural elements that are underexplained. Yes. Yes. Very confusing. And some people can see them sometimes and some people can't see them sometimes. Yeah. The mythology is very broken. Yes.

Like Frozen has an easier to follow mythology. I get Frozen 100%. There's not even a hesitation on that. No question as to how that snowman came to life. But I get it. I don't question how the snowman comes to life or why Elsa has snow powers or whatever. Well, we haven't even talked about the fact that you brought up early that the horse is actually a dog posing as a horse. Yes.

For what fucking reason? No idea. No idea.

And I will say the scenes between Colin Farrell and this horse are amazing. And whenever they cut to a close-up of the horse, I laughed out loud. This is a sad horse face. You could argue that the movie is a love story between a man and a horse. And when he's on that horse, you're going like, oh, horse, horse. Why is he calling it horse? He never bothers to name this horse. Never names it. Come on, horse. Come on, horse. Horse. Let's go, horse. And the horse has a very strong personality, so much so that he'll point him in the right direction. And the horse is the horse god?

No, the horse is a guardian angel. Okay, guardian angel. Yeah, the horse is a guardian angel. Oh, okay. That's what they explain at a certain point. Anyway, so Lady Sybil is dying of consumption. William Hurt is her newspaper magnate father. Right. And she lives in a, because she's feverish, she lives in a roof house.

where it's cold to keep her temperature down. She has a younger sister. The younger sister's afraid she's going to die. Now hold on to this idea of the younger sister because this is going to come back. You know what? Or don't. We'll try and explain it later. So then, okay, so then they all leave. Yes. They all leave except for Lady Sybil. Oh, go ahead. We got to talk about...

Oh, yes. The family leaves, except for Lady Sybil, while Colin Farrell is trying to leave town, but the horse won't leave in front of Lady Sybil's house. And Colin Farrell, who's a thief, is like, okay, fine, one more job, and then we're leaving town. So Colin Farrell gets out of his grappling hook. And by the way, this is another time when he's not shocked that the horse is insisting that he robbed this particular house, and he's just like, okay. And the horseman also doesn't speak. That's kind of a big deal when a horse is making it clear to you that you need to rob a house. By the way, the horse,

Which is his guardian angel is now an accomplice to multiple robberies. That's a good point. And by the way, to talk to your point about him being virtuous, it's not because he quits working for Russell Crowe, but it's undetermined really why, because he continues to be a thief.

So much so that he has a horse full of trinkets, as you hear as a clunky clunky clunk. The big point of contention between Russell Crowe and Colin Farrell is that Colin Farrell wanted to steal rings without cutting off fingers. Oh, yeah. Russell Crowe loved the craved the violence and the bloodlust. Yeah. And Colin Farrell wasn't comfortable with that anymore because he was such a good thief.

Anyway, so Colin Farrell breaks into Lady Sybil's house while Lady Sybil is in a very bizarre erotic bath. Yes, a giant bath. I loved that bathtub set up. Beautiful. And so then suddenly, next thing you know, she's feverish and playing Brahms.

And they have what I will describe as one of the only meet-cutes I've ever seen that begins with a home invasion. Oh, yeah. It is as if Funny Games was a romantic comedy. He's holding a gun. He's holding a gun. He's cracking her father's safe. And a floor squeaks. And she's like, hello. And he's like, the floor squeaked.

And she's like, I guess it did. I guess I should offer you a cup of tea. This scene, I only wish we could have our hands on this movie because this scene is...

The best. The tea scene. Or just the scene where they meet. The scene where they meet into the tea scene. It's awkward. It's bizarre. It's so weird. She's really into him. Immediately they are in love with each other. He is a threat to her. He has a gun and he's in her house. And she's wearing a somewhat transparent nightgown which in 1916 to entertain a man

in that outfit. But she's feverish. That's the question. How much of her behavior is down to this fever? We don't know. Well, she doesn't seem to be affected by the fever. She just seems to be literally hot.

Like that is how her fever manifests. Yes. It's just in temperature, not in, oh, I'm delusional. She's never seems to be delusional. Not only that, I meant to look up consumption and find out if imperviousness to cold is one of the symptoms because she's constantly walking around outside wearing nothing. Well, that's their whole thing is like we have to lower her temperature.

And by the way, William Hurd's like, we have a fever in the house. Yeah. And that's all the windows are open. Everyone's wearing their jackets. So then they have this conversation where they have tea. And this is where she explains that she's from London and they are falling for each other. Again, he came to rob the house and he's very upfront about that. But now he's enjoying some lapsing Souchong. Yeah. Yeah. And then she says, I'm dying. She says, I'm dying of consumption and I've never been kissed on the mouth.

And did she bring up that she's never danced before, too? She doesn't. She just said she's never been kissed on the mouth. And then she's like, I don't know why I just said that, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, well, listen, I'm on the lam. Some guys are trying to kill me. I got to get out of town. But maybe when I'm back. And she goes, she goes.

Oh, by the time you get back, I'll already be dead. Yes, and the music. Just so matter of fact. The music swells under that moment like it's a romantic moment. It's like, not quite. And that's one of many scenes, and I think that this is one of the challenges of turning a novel into a movie, that actually could have taken place anywhere. Like, there's a lot of scenes like that. The fireside chat, the walk in the woods. Oh, yeah. Why'd you put it there? I don't know. It looked pretty. Yeah. We had the house.

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So meanwhile, Russell Crowe is upset. He is very upset, which means it's time to eat oysters and keep them coming. Oh, yeah. And up the accent, up the dialect work by 25%. This is where I wrote, Russell's accent is all over the place. Yes, I think it's because he's a little drunk in this scene, maybe. Maybe. The character is. He's eating plate upon plate of oysters.

Just sucking them. With his gang. With his gang. And they're at a table that is like...

The head table at a wedding, but at a restaurant. It's like a long table that's facing all the other tables at the restaurant behind a fire. You would never sit there. You would never have a table like that in a restaurant. It's like Game of Thrones table. Like he's at the center. It's the red wedding table. It is. It's so weird. And this is my favorite scene where he's upset. He can't figure out where he is. And then he immediately gets mad at the waiter. Why? Oh, absolutely.

Oh, because, wait, he doesn't have a South African spotted owl. He says, will there be anything else, sir? And Russell Crowe goes, oh, yeah, I'd like a South African spotted owl. Filet. Filet. Braise a little bit of salt and pepper. Yeah, exactly. And a little bit of parsley on top. And he's like, I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any owl.

And like in one fell swoop, he partly morphs into a bit of a monster. Yes. Now his skin cracks revealing monster skin underneath. It was crazy. His teeth get kind of crazy, right? But nobody sees that. Well, do they? I don't think anybody sees it because nobody reacts. But it's unclear whether his stooges have seen this before and they just accept, yeah, sometimes he kind of half turns into a monster. Well, I think that they have to react because he kills.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He breaks the waiter's head, right? No, he slashes his throat with a knife. Oh, I'm sorry. Wow. I think he slashes his throat with a knife. No, it was very quick. Okay, yeah. And then uses his blood. There's a little bit of blood on the table, and then he is overtaken by a premonition. He has a vision. He has a vision.

And he takes the blood and he smears his fingers in it. And does the most crude drawing. Yes. The most, if you were to describe it as almost like the yin and yang sign. Barely. Like a red, where the white is and that's it. And then there's a little bit of a circle. It's a very nothing drawing. And he goes...

Go find her. He goes, find the red-haired girl. And Kevin Corrigan's like, what red-haired girl? What are you talking about? He goes, there, this red-haired girl. That circle of blood on the tablecloth. Pointing at the blood spot on the tablecloth. Like, there, find her. So that seems unreasonable until the next scene when somebody using that drawing finds the red-headed girl. Finds her. There's no even search. He seems to be out.

Outside of her house and going, oh, yeah, there she is. I think all of the Stooges and Lackeys got copies of the blood smear. Oh, they definitely did. He doesn't have the original. No, no, that actually looked like someone's that I'm duping. A copy, yes. So he's like, quick, get this tablecloth, recreate this blood smudge, like, I don't know, a hundred times for all our guys? Find the redheaded girl in New York City, not even a small town. Oh, yeah, right. In New York City at the height where there were a lot of people there.

And again, is this another example of the magic of this universe or just stupid, stupid filmmaking? I think it's stupid because the next minute Lady Civil is trying to leave. She's leaving her house to go north to meet her family, and the driver is the one that notices her. She has red hair, and then he pulls a full side. He pulls like...

He pulls like a 20 by 14 piece of paper out of his pocket that is the drawing of the blood smear. And then he's like, oh, I got to tell the boys. And then all she does is she goes inside, comes back outside with a couple more suitcases. And Russell Crowe and his men are already. There are no phones. Right. He's already there. Well, maybe he has like a demon, an old demon phone or something. Maybe he did the thing with the marbles again. Yeah. But yeah, why couldn't he do the marble thing with the redheaded girl?

I don't know. Because that would make sense, too, right? Then it makes it very clear that Russell Crowe has paid off her original driver, a sum that he has felt is enough to retire on, and they're going to take this girl. Now, you think...

All right. Now, the purpose of taking this girl is to get Colin Farrell, or is it to kill her? He's going to kill her, ensuring that Colin Farrell cannot perform his miracle. Got it. Oh. Because he assumes... All right, now that makes... This is starting to make sense. Yeah, Russell Crowe assumes that...

If he doesn't create his miracle, then he doesn't give one point to the good guys. Correct. The whole movie is based on this very small thing. Okay, so she's dying consumption. Russell Crowe figures that Colin Farrell is about to use his miracle to save her. To save her. So if he kills her, he can't use his miracle, and that's in some way good for a demon. That's good for the bad guy. Am I right or wrong in assuming, was this a part of the narration at the top, or is it just me thinking about something different, where it's like,

You never know who you're going to save. Will they become the president? Will they become this? He says that in that scene, I think. Yeah. Something like that. Who are you supposed to be? He says that later when they're having that little horse dance by the Brooklyn Brits. Oh, right. Who is she going to be? The pope? The pray? Whatever. Grandmother of the first man on Mars? Yes. Amazing. Amazing line.

By the way, that's one of my favorite scenes in the movie, too. The horse head-to-head fight. It's two horses walking, being a horse intimidation scene. So I think that's basically it. So what if this woman was to have the president that does something amazing, the mother of the president that does something amazing? That's why he needs to kill her. No, no. He just wants to kill her. He only wants to kill her to prevent. But that's what I'm saying, to prevent the miracle, because the miracle could have...

Giant consequences. It could, but it also could be, which he says also to him, he says, or is it true love? Or is it something- Oh, so just true love? It could also be just like this true love. This guy has got to work hard in this city. Yeah. So Russell Crowe spends- Two demons for New York at least. Russell Crowe spends, I mean, a very long time explaining to Lady Sybil what's up.

For no reason. Meanwhile... One of, maybe I would say, four to five times in the film where someone takes a break to basically do about two pages of... Do not get me started on the library scene. The library scene was the craziest scene in a movie I've seen in a very long time. In my opinion, that whole part of the movie took place after the movie. That was a separate movie. Also, I thought that that library scene... With Jennifer Connelly's in it, it's madness. It's a whole different movie. Well, I thought that library scene was like, reshoot central. Like...

Oh, fuck. No one knows what's going on. This doesn't make any sense. I got an idea. Go in there and explain the movie really quickly. Colin Farrell's like, I just have three pages of a monologue in a row that is just describing the movie we're in. It's something else. That scene, I was like, heck.

That scene was, it made, anyway. So, so Russell Crowe, his intention is to kill her. He spent so much time talking that Colin Farrell has time enough to both talk through his love troubles with Graham Greene. Yes. And by the way, he's also eating clams on the dock too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

in like Brooklyn and also ride his horse all the way to the Upper West Side where Lady Sybil is. Yes. All during one conversation between, anyway, so Russell Crowe finally has the knife out and Colin Farrell rides by on the horse. Nobody stops him. Nobody shoots at him. Nobody's like, hey, look, it's him on the horse. He just grabs Lady Sybil and they jump away. Well, and Russell Crowe sees him approaching on the white horse, which he knows is a magical horse, coming toward them and he doesn't act any faster. He doesn't stab. He doesn't do it. This guy has a slow reaction time. He doesn't stab her.

He doesn't attack him. His belly is full of oysters. He can't move that quickly. And he seems totally surprised when he snatches her up and they take off. He goes, ah! I saw it coming. Ah!

Now... This brings us to... This is the horse battle that happens here, right? No. Oh, that's later. We're about to meet our surprise guest. Oh, yes. Yes. And really the most extraordinary scene in the film, I think. Yes. Russell Crowe goes to meet with the judge. He has an appointment and the judge lives under the Brooklyn Bridge. I think this judge is Satan. Yes. He's Lucifer. Well, his name is Lou. Ah.

He calls him Lucifer. Does he call him? Oh, I thought he called him Lou. He calls him Lucifer a couple of times. He might also call him Lou. And at first, when he walks in, you're like, what do you want? No, first when he walks in, there is an old man with a stitched up mouth. Oh, I forgot about that guy. What the fuck is that? The guy that answers the door. The door opens and it's like Alfred from Batman, only his mouth is all stitched up in a gross way. Oh my God. That was amazing. Yeah.

And then he walks in. He's like, what do you want with me? And then all of a sudden, a very small little light comes on. Then there's Will Smith sitting on a chaise lounge reading a book. That was a little clever reversal that just didn't work. Yeah. Yeah.

What's going on? Hang on, I don't understand. Why is his voice scary in the dark? All the accents are all over the place. Everybody's crazy. But I do believe Russell Crowe or Colin Farrell or Lady Sybil, I do believe they are all period appropriate. Will Smith is incapable.

of not sounding and acting contemporary. So there's a lot. I want to try to figure out what happened behind the scenes. My first theory was that Will Smith shows up to play Lucifer in 1916 and he has a very today hairstyle and somebody said to him, can we cut your hair? And he said, fuck that.

And they said, okay, well, then let's go with it and put a Jimi Hendrix t-shirt on him and give him earrings and just say that he exists out of time. Yeah, because he has that whole monologue where he says, now? You ask me for now? You don't understand time. And his voice is getting deeper and bassier and weirder. You don't understand someone like you doesn't, in the blink of an eye, thousands of years. But I was still like, wait, but you sound too.

contemporary. But that's why they put him in the Jimi Hendrix shirt because he is of now. Wait, was he in the Jimi Hendrix shirt in the first one? Yes. He's wearing a Jimi Hendrix t-shirt in 1916. Yeah. Yeah.

So he traverses through time. I only noticed it later. I'm now confusing elements of the stuff that I've just watched in True Detective because there's a time element now. Oh, really? And so now I've got to remember which is which. But my second theory, once he pops up again in 2014 later in the movie, is that maybe they shot that scene first and they were like, okay, time to change you over to 1916. And he was like, I don't think so. I just need to get home. I've got to pick up Jaden. I've got to get out. I've got to go. It's this or nothing. It's this or nothing.

I'm Satan. What difference does it make? Yeah, it is odd that he does not. He's in the same wardrobe in 2014 as he is in 2016. It's one day. It was one day and they definitely had one day shoot. It's like Bruce Willis in Expendables 2. Well, it's like Marlon Brando in Heat. Oh,

Oh, yeah, right. You know? His special effect is, not special effect or whatever, but like, is just he turns on and off like light bulbs with a string. Yeah. Like he lives in a dark room and he just like turns on an Edison bulb with his... That's when he's being a judge too. Like he's like, well, all right. He's like, you know, obviously Russell Crowe's like, I need to get up to the Lake of the Coheres to kill this woman. And he's like, well...

Do you want a judgment? All right. I'll walk over here to this judge stand. This weird railing he has. And turns on the light. And then he's able to judge him in this moment. They have their conversation. He lets him go. He denies him. Oh, he denies him. Yes, he denies him. He says, find another way. I got to say the design of Satan's office space was a bit of a punt. Yes. Yes.

Just kind of like a stark bat cave. It was like there was water around it and a chaise lounge, and that was it. It was disappointing. This is also the scene where Russell Crowe's character, a 1916 gangster, tells us shit happens. Shit happens. Yeah. Well, that was the thing. I wrote down shit happens because shit happens means that he's contemporary too. I don't know. Shit happens is not a 1916 flashback.

I wouldn't think so. Not at all. So maybe are they all wearing like Jimi Hendrix t-shirts, but Russell Crowe's is undercover in 1960? I don't think so. I think that's just bad writing. Or an improvised moment. Yeah, it did feel a little improvised because it felt like there was a little bit of a wink, like, yeah, I'm having fun now. So now Lady Sybil and Colin Farrell have gotten away on Pegasus. And they're in Lake of the Coheres, this beautiful- Yeah, they're up in this beautiful place where the- Super thick ice.

Very sick, but not thick enough that a girl with tuberculosis could melt the snow with her. At any point, just wherever she's walking is just becoming puddle. Yeah, it becomes melt. She's so hot that she melts through everything. Yeah. Anyway, so, okay. So William Hurt is basically like, okay, you rode up on a, again. By the way, I just want to bring this up. The Will Smith character is not in the book.

What the fuck is happening? No! Wow.

How do you even introduce this? That's what I'm saying about this. What was this point? Because they didn't know they had Will Smith. Why did they introduce this character to do what? Make Will Smith the William Hurt character if you want to give him a cameo as a father. Make it even more confusing. It feels like they were like, you know, it's hard to turn a novel into a movie. Let's make it a lot harder by introducing nonsensical elements. Yeah. We've got a demon. Maybe what we need, you know what we need? Let's tell the writer we need the demon to have a boss.

Right. Oh, my God. So they ride up to us. William Hurt. Colin Farrell has basically abducted this girl, ridden on a horse all the way up the river. To her parents' country of state. To her parents' country of state. And they are like, they are not phased at all. Nope. Not at all. Not at all.

Who's not fazed? William Hurt. William Hurt's basically like, what are your intentions with my daughter? Not like, who the fuck are you? But that's another great scene. He's like, what are your intentions? What do you do? Who are you? Where do you come from? Who made your suit? And he's like, I'm over here. I did this. My suit's over this. It was like a weird... That's a hell of a scene. William Hurt is really robotic in that scene. And that's also the scene where we have the long conversation about whether it's filet or fillet. Oh, yes. Or claret or claret. And then that was like, to me, I was like, well, okay, is he...

What is the power play of this? He's saying, I say it's fillet. So it is fillet. Or is he saying, I'm testing because you're too poor to know how rich I am? I didn't quite understand. I will say this for sure. The actors did not know any better than you do what the point of that dialogue was. I agree. They didn't settle on it. I really feel like there's a lot of favors called in. And it was like, trust me, this is when we put this together and edited. The book was huge. Then there is the furnace scene.

Another scene that could just go and have no impact on the movie at all. Take it out. By the way, I like, yeah, because again. It must have been a huge part of the book in order for them to keep it. Well, the whole thing in this movie is that Colin Farrell, while not being a good guy. I just had a realization, by the way. This movie is Harry Potter. Oh, fuck.

Colin Farrell is Harry. He's an orphan. He's an orphan. He's raised by people who aren't his parents. He is the chosen one who can save the lives of everybody. He's like the chosen one. But he has to go off to this estate in order to realize the true extent of his powers. So this estate is basically Hogwarts. Hogwarts.

I'm telling you, this movie is Harry Potter. This movie is Harry Potter! I feel like the only reason the furnace scene is in there is to do the microfiche scene because he sets up early on. He's like, I'm good with... He says he always wanted to be a mechanic. He says to her at some point. For what reason? Why do we need to know that he's good with machines? He knows machines...

And, like, by just touching them, he can fix machines. I'm guessing in the book, his, like, magical power was, like, machine stuff. I thought that this fire in the furnace was, like, one thing that the powers of hell could do in this sacred area. Like, I thought maybe that's sort of what was going on. Ooh, I like that. But it doesn't get paid off. But by the way, I also was confused. Like, that was a giant mansion, but they were treating it like it was the engine of a giant ship.

that was going to explode. Did houses explode from furnaces? Probably. It was like a steam furnace. It could explode. But the idea of somebody saying, if my house is going to burn down, I'm going to burn down with it is so absurd. And him saying, my wife built this house. My wife picked out every window dressing. Every pillow. Therefore, I'm going to burn alive in it. So Colin Farrell comes in, saves the day with the furnace. William Hurt gives him a big hug. And then Colin Farrell is up. He's sketching.

the red haired girl. Yes, Colin Farrell's also doing the same drawing. The same drawing that Russell Crowe did. By the way, guys, we are not even into this. I know. We can jump ahead at any point. No, but no. But at this point, I really do want to figure this out because he and Lady Sybil have a real romance. They go for a walk in the cold. He teaches her how to like... They dance. He teaches her how to control her breathing so she doesn't get so hot. They go to a New Year's Eve dance. And then they fuck.

Now, my question is this. I had a question. Was his, this is going to sound vulgar. Who cares? Was his dick too warm? Like, did he kill her because she was poisoned by the angel? Oh, right. Right. Of course. I'm sorry. Wait a second. What's his problem?

Hold on. Okay, this is a June moment. I love the June moment. I did. I forgot about the poisoning. I forgot about the poisoning. In your mind, you were like, his dick was so hot, he exacerbated her fever. I did think so. I did. Because I thought...

Because this is what I thought. Now I remember why I thought that. Because I thought that the devil, it was more of like a Romeo and Juliet thing. I thought that they put that stuff in her glass and she was going to appear to be dead or something like that. Oh, I see. Because I kind of missed when he was having that deal with it. No, the way that the poison worked, that she was poisoned with, is it will only kill you if you get excited.

That's what he establishes in Bryant Park. I think it was Bryant Park. Yeah, that's what he said. He's like, don't worry. It'll only kill her if she gets excited. Oh, I didn't catch that. Which is weird. So Russell Crowe is hoping that she would have a beautiful night out dancing. Why not just give her a poison that'll kill her regardless? Because it's special angel poison. Why did the angel do that? And why is the angel a caterwaver? He's a fallen angel. He's a fallen angel. He's a fallen angel. No, I thought he was a demon who became an angel.

I thought he was an angel who became a human. An angel who became human. Oh, okay. Got it. So he had the special crystals. Okay, this is where I have a- And the crystals were also magic. They were magic crystals. They were not like- What crystals? He put that thing in her glass. That was the poison. That's what I'm saying, but it was like a- Oh, it was magic. It had like a special light. Oh, I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying. It wasn't just like- Yes, yeah, yeah. It wasn't like rat poison. So that poison- Which he could have done easily. Yes, easily. The poison plus getting fucked will kill you. Yes. I guess so, but here's my question, and this is-

A very important question that I need to know the answer to. Is consumption contagious?

No, no. She says it's not. She says it's not early on. She did? Yes. She said, don't worry, it's not contagious. Okay, okay, good. And he goes, I know because my daughter died of it, too. That's the eye doctor. Oh. Or sister. How is it not contagious? I don't know. I couldn't figure that out because I was like, I get it. You're in love with this girl, but you're going to get consumption, bro. He didn't care. He was in love with her. Where is he going to go?

All right, so she is dead. She's dead. He can't use his miracle to save her from consumption. He tries to. He brings her to the princess bed. The little girl. The little girl. Lady Sybil has a little sister who is a little bit like all over the place, all over. Guys, by the way, I just typed in consumption. It is a potentially fatal and contagious disease. Thank you. Maybe they didn't know that in 1916. How did they explain to themselves how each other are getting it if it's not contagious? If a disease is not contagious, how can somebody else have it?

Who knows? Only one person would have it. That's a big get there, too. I mean, to have a disease in a movie where it's not- By the way, all she does is handle her younger sister, who's probably now going to die. Oh, well, no, she's not. Wait a minute. You know what? She says two things. She says it's not contagious, and I've been locked in this house. I can't see anybody. I can't talk to anybody. I can't kiss anybody. Yeah. So it doesn't make any sense. Oh, yeah.

Okay, so she dies, and you think he takes, oh, the little girl, Willa, the sister, has made a princess bed so that when she dies, she says to Colin Farrell, when she dies, bring her here and kiss her, and you will bring her back to life or something, whatever. Yes.

And so she dies after he bones her. Yes. He bones her to death. Bones her to death because his dick is too hot. His hot dick kills her. Tips her temperature over the air. He takes her temperature with his manometer and she overheats. Deadsville. He carries her down to the princess bed. He kisses her. And she doesn't wake up. And then she is put in the ground. Quickly. Very quickly. Married. Married.

Now we finally... Now, I guess during all this time, there was a lot of time to get her buried and everything. Colin Farrell... I guess that's the time that it takes before Russell Crowe... Because Russell Crowe can't leave New York, so then Colin Farrell's like, well, I guess I'll go back to New York now. Well, but the cemetery is in New York. Right. But the...

What's interesting here is at this point I have now forgotten about the horse slash dog. By the way, the horse never turns into a dog. You never see that. They just call it a dog because it's the dog of the West. It's a horse, but we understand it's a dog. But it sometimes appears as a horse. To us, only as a horse. But this whole time that the two of them have been up at this country house, which they got to by way of horse, the horse has apparently been back at Grand Central Station.

At some point, that's true. At some point, that is true. You're right. The horse has been hanging out of... Well, the horse can fly and they can do magical stuff. So, yeah, I'm sure. But why not stick with them? I don't know. Okay, I have a real question, though. And this is a very real question. So, can we... Let's do... I'm just going to jump through a couple things. Yeah. Okay. She dies. Colin Farrell comes back to New York and is like, fuck it. I'm here. God.

get ready. Russell Crowe's like, he's back. I'm going to go get him. Yeah. So Russell Crowe comes to kill Colin Farrell. Colin Farrell turns the horse loose and is like, get out of here, horse. I don't know why. The horse flies away. He doesn't get on it and fly away with it. No, he should have gotten on it and flown away. 100% gotten on the horse. Maybe he's suicidal at that point. By the way, I did love this moment because they, they use a, I forget, like a bolo or it's like one of those whips with like a,

Two balls on the end of it? Yeah. And they quickly knocked that horse out. There's some CGI with that horse. Yeah, that was pretty good. That horse was very talented. So then, okay, so then Russell Crowe and Colin Farrell have a fight on the bridge. And you were thinking, because he does say in the beginning, I'm going to take my time. I'm going to kill this guy.

Right. He is driven to kill him, first of all. Yes. Definitely make sure he dies. And secondly, to relish it and make it painful. These are two things we understand about this. Again, this is 1916. It's now 1917, probably. Yes. And then he just headbutts him to death. Not even death. Just headbutts him like poof, poof, poof. He headbutts him four times and then pushes him over the edge of the Brooklyn Bridge. Now, this is where I have a giant question come in. Oh, you do? Yes. Oh, I don't know why you would. Giant, giant question. I don't understand why you would.

We have a question here. Okay, go ahead, Paul. So he falls off the bridge. He gets in the water. And he is... Now, there's a part in the... This is where I'm confused. We led to believe that he immediately pops up from the water. No one checks to see if he's dead or drowned. Because he shouldn't have been dead. He just kind of fell off a bridge and got his head hit a couple times. Right. And... Well, I think they think he's dead. They think he's dead. I think for sure Russell Crowe and his crew are like, and handle. Now, we know because we've seen a movie before that he's going to pop up out of the water.

Exactly. And by the way, Russell Crowe has never seen a movie since 1917. Here's the thing. But by the way, stay there for two more minutes and just go, this was watched. But I think I'm going to cut, I think I might cut in front of you. He doesn't crawl out of the water until 2014. No, that's my thing. He crawls out in 1916 and is alive for 100 years with no memory. Yes. He's alive for 100 years? Yes. This is super confusing. Oh, well, I thought he crawled out in 1916. No, that's what I thought.

And then today I realized he was in New York drawing on the sidewalk for 100 years. I think it is. Yeah. Yeah. Because years is 100 years. I know that. But so he has no memory. The fall from the bridge gives him amnesia. Yes. And he is also immortal for reasons that I'm not sure about. And also then. But this is the question. Why isn't Russell Crowe ever dead?

bumping into him in the streets of New York. I have a problem with this. Okay, go ahead. Well, Russell Crowe doesn't realize he's still alive because he doesn't know he's who he is. Until Colin Farrell realizes who he is. The minute Colin Farrell writes Peter Lake, question mark, on the mirror. That was the best moment of the

Question mark. He wrote his own question mark. That's when Russell Crowe is like, wait a minute. Russell Crowe in another part of the city suddenly goes, oh shit, he's alive. Which is triggered by him realizing he's alive. But by the way, but by the way, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, but,

But see, if he's writing Peter Lake question mark, his spidey sense tingles. But when he's hiding in Grand Central, he needs to move things around. He needs to move gemstones. It's weird. Even Russell Crowe's ability to be- I think Russell Crowe is tuned into his existence but can't pinpoint it unless he's got his gems. I don't know, man. But this is very important. We have, for 100 years in New York, a person walking around living someplace, feeding himself- No, I don't think this is true. By the way, I'm just looking on the Wikipedia page. You are? Yes, it says-

He miraculously survives, but wanders around the city with amnesia for a century. But wait a second. Drawing chalk art of a red-headed girl. Feeding himself, clothing himself, living somewhere. How? And never aging. Never aging. Never aging and not questioning the effect. Not questioning it. And at some point, a little girl says to him, what's your name? And he just very matter-of-factly says, I don't know. And by the way, that's a hundred years. That's a hundred years. He hasn't made any choices. He didn't choose like, oh, everybody calls me buddy. Yeah. Yeah.

That is what it would be. Yeah, I'm like, what? He makes no friends. Okay, so yeah, but he does seem... I have real problems with this now. Yeah. I have real fucking problems with this now. It's a serious problem. Because I was on board for the magical realism of Fall in the Water in 1916. And that's why

Come out in 2014. And that's what I thought. And that's how I saw it last night. Because it made sense. It makes a little more sense. It makes like a time continuum. We would still be sitting here going, what was he doing under the water for 100 years? Sure. Well, maybe he fell through a time portal in the falling down. Either way, I would have bought that more than the pragmatic...

practical legitimate concerns of an amnesiac living in New York City for a century and never aging never aging and never having friends but by the way he has an apartment because you see that one scene where he kind of goes into a closet and gets out a jacket he affords the apartment based on coins that people throw at him because he keeps drawing this red headed woman that can't be it that can't

He is. His drawings are really good, though. And there's a lot of ways to get along cheaply in New York. By the way, is that what he was doing in 1923? Yes. Like, what the fuck are we talking? He's lived through the Depression. But again, did he serve in World War II? Did he serve in Vietnam? I mean, like, is that another part of the book that he's cut out? How is he eating? How did he function in the world?

But again, it will sing. He has no ID. Right, no ID. And when he gets to the library and they're like, sure, if you want to look at the microfiche, you've got to use an ID. This is the first time it's been a problem for him. It looks like it's been a hundred years.

He's like, oh boy. Well, I guess I'm fucked here. Like really, bro. It really broke. Never come up for a hundred years. You haven't had, I did. His life was simple. He lived in a great high rise apartment and drew on the street. That was it. I need somebody who read this book to write the fucking on the forums and explain this pile of garbage moment right here. I'm sure. By the way, I'm sure the book is amazing. As a matter of fact, uh,

I remember that someone, I'm going to read you a thing that Akiva Goldsmith says, or Goldsman, says, but okay. This is the screenwriter. This is the screenwriter. And director. And director. Who has proven himself competent in other films. Yes. He does say that the movie is kind of unfilmable. That's why he took out 300 pages.

Whoa! So 300 pages of that book is not accounted for in this film. Can we make a movie that is just those 300 pages? When someone asked him, are you the right man to direct this film? He goes, I'm the kind of romantic that likes to find the meaning in things. Just in its natural course, life is sufficiently hard. And if you can find the hope underneath that, there's the connectedness. And for some reason then, that's comfort. That's what I've learned.

And I think that's the feeling in this movie. And was that then used as the ending narration? This makes no sense either. Let me paraphrase that. Will you give me the question? Yes. Are you the right man to direct this film? I think he basically said, I'm the guy that they made the checkout to. Yeah, I took their money. Okay, so now I have another huge, huge problem. Yes. Okay.

So when Colin Farrell starts to have a tinkling, a tinkling? Yeah, I like that. An inkling, rather, of who he might be, he remembers the Grand Central Station of it all. And so the first thing he does, which is now we've caught up to the first scene we saw, which is that he goes into that attic area of Grand Central Station. He moves aside the board and he finds the box.

And the box has in it his baby blanket, the little ship thing. Which has no significance. City of justice. And. And. But it is brought to you. It is brought to light so much as if it has a lot of significance. Well, it will have significance later. Okay. But in that box. In that box.

In that box is a chocolate from New Year's Eve. Yeah. He never went back to Grand Central after New Year's Eve. He did because that's where the horse was hanging out. And now I understand why they told us this stupid fact that the horse has been hanging out at Grand Central Station. Because where does a horse hang out at Grand Central Station? That's when he put the chocolate in the box? So she died and he went back to his little home there and he's like, well, I'm going to save this chocolate for good. Oh.

From the night I fucked a girl to death and put it in the box with my baby blanket. You fucking shot that scene, put it in the goddamn movie, because he pulls that chocolate out and I was like, fuck you. There's no way that chocolate is in there. A hundred year old chocolate. So then he goes using the chocolate as his only clue. Yes. He goes in search of answers. In search of... Oh, we didn't talk about the moment though where he's just kind of wandering around the park and bumps into a little young girl. Now, meanwhile, his best friend

or his good close friend at Grand Central Station, a black man who is magical. We don't know how he's magical. He's another like guardian angel type person. It's very much like that movie, The Adjustment Bureau. We don't know there's certain, like, and so he's standing not more than, I would say two feet away from Colin Farrell. Uh-huh. Colin,

Oh, I guess he has amnesia, so he doesn't remember. Correct. Okay, that's why he doesn't recognize her. And he's flipping the coin. He's saying, come on, Pete. Come on, Pete. Here's your change. Here's your change. He flips the magic coin. And then the little girl. And it facilitates, finally, after 100 years. Why did it take that long? I don't know. After 100 years, he facilitates the meeting of Colin Farrell and the little girl who he is meant, in reality, to use his miracle eyes. The real redheaded girl. The real.

Who is also dying of cancer, which is not contagious. Which is the 2014 consumption, let's face it. By the way, also at some point we learned that Colin Farrell is...

Lady Sybil's miracle or something like that. Maybe that's why he's become immortal. He cannot die because he is her miracle. Yes, because in dying, she gave him life. He cannot be killed. No, no, no. I thought the whole thing was he has a miracle in him and he won't die until he gave it to that redheaded girl. No, Lucifer says to Will Smith in the second scene says to Russell Crowe, you were too short-sighted.

You thought you were ruining his miracle. Oh, right, right, right. You didn't account for the fact that it was her death was her miracle and her death or her miracle protected him. He cannot be killed.

Okay. Got it. And that's why the deal- So everyone is capable of miracles then at all points. That's why Russell Crowe then makes the deal to- We are going to fight- Can I be a street fighter? To the one true death. And that means Russell Crowe has to become mortal. And then his three little shaves go away from the back of his head. His cool 80s haircut that Jason really liked goes away. Now he's mortal. So he can have a fist fight.

Oh, boy. So baby cancer. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. But the little girl, the cancer-ridden little girl is Jennifer Connelly's daughter. Yeah. Then they meet in the... By the way, don't you get that they're... I feel like the movie was pushing them to almost kiss. I was like, is he going to have to kiss this little baby on them now? Oh, I thought that was 100% going to happen. I felt like that was... I feel uncomfortable with this. Let me also say, by the way, do not ask a child actor to have a seizure on film. That was super awkward. The best moment of the movie. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

That was really uncomfortable. Oh, man. That was, I'll be June for a second, that was upsetting. Oh!

But what happens is they have a weird meeting in the park at night and then they separate from each other and then he's on the search to figure out the chocolate, the mystery of the chocolate. He goes to the library, not to the library, to the newspaper library or whatever and he's like, I gotta find out what's up with this chocolate and the guy's like, well, you can't without ID. The guy gives him actually two pieces of ID so it's really hard. And a waiting period. There's a microfiche waiting period. Yeah, it's like

Guns. Guns and microfiche. To keep psychopaths from looking at microfiche. But in the meantime, sorry, in the meantime, Colin Farrell, between the first meeting with Jennifer Connelly and her daughter and the second, Colin Farrell has mostly remembered who he is and has now cut his hair and is wearing his old clothes from the teens. Yes. Right.

So he now looks identical to himself in the 19-teens. Which is very confusing. But he's living in... Okay, so... Well, when he meets Jennifer Connelly in the library section of it, and he has a two-page explanation of what happened after the movie until now, there is a great moment where he's like, what are you researching? She's like, the cure for cancer. I guess. I guess. The cure for cancer, I guess. There are so many regulations these days. A lot of weird lines. This scene in particular...

He is just monologuing. I mean... And it's all run-on sentences. I think you're right about reshoots. That was a reshoot. This was definitely a reshoot. Yeah. And then she believes him. She brings him back to the microfiche. They find the pictures in the newspaper of William Hurt and his daughter, and then that's when Colin Farrell starts to cry. I can only imagine, by the way, if you're listening to this and you did not see the movie, you must be like, what the fuck? I mean, even talking it through, I'm like,

Wow. Now we're in 2014 for a long time. We've settled into 2014. Oh, yeah. For a bit. This is like at least a half an hour of the movie. Jennifer kind of then flips the page and sees a picture of Colin Farrell. And when were these pictures taken? I don't remember the picture being taken. And by the way, that's the easiest thing to set up.

Picture day. New Year's Eve flash. Just one flash. And these are like weirdly, they're not even in their New Year's Eve. No, they're just outdoor pictures. But also, who's taking pictures in the teens outside in the winter? Yeah. Nobody. This is equipment.

of work. And you're like, oh, take a picture. Oh, Lady Sybil, take a picture with this stranger that just came to our house for this afternoon. Like, it's not, there's no even, they were at an event where they could have easily gotten a picture. Okay, so they dropped the ball. Like very much at the Shining. It should have been everyone at the New Year's Eve party and it would have been a great film. Jennifer Connelly believes him to have been from the past. Of course. He's wearing the same fucking outfit. And is again,

unfazed. Nope. Never gets it. And basically he's like, do you want to come over for dinner? Yeah. And he's like, no, I got to figure out who I am some more. So I'll see you later. And not before, not before they go upstairs though. Yeah. They go upstairs and meet like the kind of Catherine Graham character who's running the paper. Who, if you do the math, is like 104 years old. Yes. She ought to be about 104 years old. Because. She's played by an actress who's about 85.

Still running the paper. Still running the newspaper. Really running it. She is the little sister of Lady Sybil, all grown up, and now is an old woman. And she sees Colin Farrell, and she goes, Peter Lake. Someone she hasn't seen in 100 years and has not aged. She hasn't seen in 100 years. She goes, well, well, well. Well, well, well. Look who is unchanged.

Exactly the same. Standing in my lobby. And she's like, come here, give me a hug, you. And it immediately brings her back to the house. She did drop a thing. Yeah, she did drop a thing. Now, here's the thing. You introduce a character that's 105 years old. Do you think that she's going to play a pivotal role in this movie? Nope. Not at all. She basically has a cameo. Oh, yeah. And then it's like, oh, bye. She looks out the window and tells us something incomprehensible about stars. Yep.

So she, that means that she also is aware of stars, but she has no real knowledge of stars because she was not with consumption and she, and her sister died. It's madness. So then she, but she kept the table and the teacups. Yes. Who cares? Who cares? They have some tea and she's like, I feel like, but not even the same.

Not even the same team? Not even the same team. She's like, I feel like I'm never going to see you again. And he's like, well, you're right. Laters. He high fives her. They fucking walk out of there. And he and Jennifer Connelly, then they split up. Yes. Then they split up. And then I was like, why are they splitting up? She's like, I live on 12th.

street. Do you want to come eat chicken? He's like, no, I got to go. Like you said, I got to go keep figuring out who I am. I got a mystery to solve. See you later. And then he decides, oh, maybe I will have some of that chicken on 12th street. And then he tracks her down by her last name and the fact that she lives on 12th street. He walks all of 12th street. And checked every, that's a, that is a giant, giant job. That's a fuck you. Yeah. That's a fuck you to New York city. Like all she should have said is like, I live on 12th and 5th. Yep. Right. Just say, just say the intersection. Yes. Why?

It's just 12th. 12th Street is so long. But that line of dialogue where he goes, you're the only gamely on 12th Street and I do like chicken felt like something they had to drop in there to explain how the fuck he ends up on that doorstep. And it was a mistake. A mistake with me.

So then we see the baby have the seizure. Big mistake. And that's when he realizes the baby has red hair. And the red hair. And that's when he realizes his destiny is to save this little girl, not to save Lady Sybil. And then I'm like, make out with that baby. Oh, yeah. He's got to get her out to the old country house, which they do once again by way of the ice. Yes. Why did they need to get to the old country house? Oh, the horse shows up again, correct? Because the princess bed is there. But the princess bed is not real. That was made by the five-year-old girl. It was real. It worked, didn't it? It worked, but for no reason because that girl has no magic.

I agree, but it worked. Okay. But also because... But I mean, that's insane. That's a crazy-ass thing to do. It makes no sense. But that country house is in the protected area that the demon cannot go to. Okay. Which may be why he wants to go there. Okay. I don't know if at that point he understands that... I think he believes... ...Russell Crowe is about to get him again. I think he believes he needs to be in the princess bed. Well, the princess bed didn't work last time. His dick only works in the princess bed. So obviously they take off on the horse. They're flying. And as they fly to the Lake of the Cohes...

all of Russell Crowe's guys in black BMWs reach it at the identical time. They're able to. Five cars in formation across a frozen lake. But they are also able to, like, this horse is flying on, like, wings. They are able to keep pace with a flight. That's what I'm saying. It makes no sense. They arrive there. The cars are, I guess the cars are magic. And now we get the big flying.

final fight scene between Russell Crowe which is also like why that's what this movie is culminating towards like a fisticuff scene between these two between a demon who has now transformed himself into a human for reasons I now don't remember although it helps him be at this country house which he otherwise would not be able to go to as a demon I guess he wants to kill oh is that why he

can go to the country house? Yes, it is. Because he's not a demon anymore. He's now renounced his demonhood. That's why he can go anywhere. But he renounced it, though, because he wanted to kill him for... Because he is powerful now. He's immortal. The only way that he could take away his immortality is to... Fight him to the one true death. Yes. Yes, correct. I believe that's true. But in fighting to the one true death, that means Russell Crowe has to fight as a human.

He doesn't have his demon powers. Well, I guess you know what's going to happen here. Russell Crowe kills Colin Farrell and the little girl dies. It was a really bummer of an ending. I wish. Now this is when the little emblem from the tiny little toy boat finally comes into play as the instrument with which he kills Russell Crowe. It doesn't justify the presence of that scene. But Russell Crowe, when he gets stabbed in the neck...

turns into a fucking snowman. We don't know why that happens. I thought he was mortal. I thought he was immortal, not like... I thought he was mortal. So he should have just died. I agree. He does make some reference earlier in the movie to when he's talking about what he wants to do to Colin Farrell. I want to turn him into snow. I want him to scatter... So that's a thing... Oh, really? Oh, I guess that's a thing you can do? But is that a thing? I mean...

So he stabs him with the boat thing, which means- City of justice. I guess that he gave him justice. He finally gave it justice. But, oh, God, that's terrible. Then they go and they kiss. The girl comes back to life. The girl comes back to life in a hilarious little misdirect where we think she's dead, and she pops up and goes, hey, what's up, guys? I was hoping that girl was dead. We see, by the way, there are two prominent placements of Dunkin' Donuts on 12th Street. The second one comes after that. They got their money's worth.

I want to do the Dunkin' Donuts like cups for this. Oh my God. Like you go in and like, I would like a Peter Lake cup and I'll take a pearly some. I'll have a medium Peter Lake day. Okay.

I think the message of this movie, and this is me giving it a lot of credit, is that if someone has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and you're sitting there praying for them to survive, understand that what it's going to take for that to happen is all of the crazy bullshit that goes on in this movie. So don't bother. Oh, but I do want to say that I then fully expected...

Colin Farrell and Jennifer Connelly to get together and raise that little girl. But instead, he takes the flying horse and flies into the stars and becomes a star. He becomes a star. Yes, he is free to become a star now because he has performed his miracle. And I think we are meant to assume that this little girl grows up to become the grandmother of the first person who goes to Mars.

Or the first female pope. So when we all die, we become stars. Is that what we're elected to be? I think that's part of it. Oh, if we're good. If we're good. Well, I will tell you this much. Obviously, we had an opinion about this movie, but there are people who had a second opinion. That's right. It's time for Second Opinions. Second Opinions! From top to bottom, crazy movies are fun. They're not your first, but they're gonna be a second. From the depths of Amazon, they come.

Second Opinion for everyone. Second Opinion. There are no reviews on Amazon, so I had to take a 10-star review from IMDb. And here we go. This is from Ilea657.

This is one of those movies that is so profound, so perceptive altering, you cannot truly appreciate this movie for more than a love story or a monster story if you're not a deep person. This will be a movie I show to my son and I hope he grasps the meaning of. The love scenes captured romance and love between two people and not the filth.

This movie is not getting its due. Unfortunately, I feel like it's because of the level our society is on now. Sad, really. Wow. Ten stars. Oh, brother. I feel like I just got taken out to the shit. You did. And here's two more. This is from Pam V. Critics of this movie surely don't have a heart or an imagination, for this movie is overflowing with

I don't think it's Phil Pullman. Philip Pullman? Yeah. But,

But as he goes, it's like stepping into the world of C.S. Lewis, but much more subtle and contemporary. For me, this is life and mood altering. I will see it again after the day it was opened. It is a must-see in my book for any human being. Whoa. And finally. So you hear that, members of the animal kingdom?

You're not welcome to see this movie. And then Patty M finishes us off by saying, if you can suspend your intellect for a moment and remember how you believed as a child, you will find this to be beautiful, touching, uplifting. This is Shakespeare and Dickens. Whoa. It is not Tom Clancy and Philip Roth. What seems sophomoric to many critics is magic.

It is childlike imagination and hope. It is a classic struggle of good and evil, which will be lost on many in our gray society. Oh, yeah. This movie is the salve for hurting and longing. Oh, God.

So if you can leave the details of it behind for a moment, embrace the love and faith as reality beyond what our minds can fathom. I don't understand that. I agree that having that point of view requires setting your intellect aside. Yeah, you need to. I will say there were real emotional beats in this movie that I was affected by. Yes, Colin Farrell comes to tears a couple of times. That I was affected by. There are good performances in this movie. That's why I say it gets the participation award. That's what was tough about it. It's not bad.

bad. For example, another movie this year that I loved that also was a romantic comedy that had a sci-fi element. About time. It's about time. It's an awesome movie that I also was like, this is going to be weird and crazy, but it totally worked because it was very, very simple and the rules of it were very clearly established. Yeah. Yeah. Any, any movie, I think movies with magic are,

You have to just give us a baseline. Yes. And in this, I don't even know what the baseline is. I don't either. Because some of the people who have magic aren't even aware of them having magic. And at the end, when he flies up to the star, he does it so naturally and so like, all right, bye. I'm going to become a star now. Bye. Bye.

I've been alive for a century. Bye. It's so crazy. I mean, there's no explanation to it. Would you guys recommend people seeing this movie in the theater or on video? I really would not. No, it sounds like I would recommend reading the book. Yeah, I would like to read this book now. I would not. No? I'm not going to read this book at all. One of the best fiction books. I can't imagine that's true. Here's what I will say. Go see a really good movie. Uh-huh.

And then get stoned and sneak into this movie. Yeah. I mean, I did say I did laugh out loud a handful of times. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I laughed out loud a bunch. And some of the performances are okay. It's not like Last Airbender level terrible. No, no. It's definitely watchable. What's unfortunate about the movie is there's parts of it that I'm like, oh, I bet there could have been a cool movie here if they made any effort to make it.

makes sense. I believe I saw on one website someone describe it as like a really well-financed version of The Room. It's weird and it has, I mean, it's like, it has all the elements of a midnight movie. It doesn't make sense. There's all these weird moments and weird shots. It's a bizarre movie. You should definitely check it out when it's out. Yeah.

when it's on the video. And a big thanks to our engineer, Cody, who is always awesome for us and all the people that make this show possible. I'm talking about Nate Kiley does all the research. Avril Haley, who pulls all of our clips. Leanna Waldron, who designs our amazing, amazing graphics on our Facebook page. Definitely check that out. All right, we'll see you next time. Bye-bye.