Matinee Monday: Van Helsing LIVE! (w/ Seth Rogen, Riki Lindhome, & Ben Blacker)
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- His greatest accessory, a pilgrim hat. His greatest weapon, boring the shit out of you. We saw Van Helsing, so you know what that means.

Howdy. Schwarzenegger grow a baby in his belly. Rock a rhinestone vest while I'm whipping Justin to Kelly. Or maybe see a burlesque show with Nick Crowe. And take a boat with Speed 2 hitting cruise control. J-Man, Big Paul, and the beautiful June. Gonna take you from the groove all the way to the room. Ran the games in street fire to help to blow off steam. Just a sucker punch to odd life of Timothy Green. Sharp needle to birdemic how we stand in line. They call it in the badass and he's on the line. Crankin' 88.

Hello people of Earth!

People of Largo! We are live here at Largo at the Coronet Theater, our LA home, and we are so excited to talk to you about a movie, an important film, a historical biop, if you will, about a man, a man who fights everything, and he does it all wearing a pretty fucking cool hat.

The movie is Van Helsing, and tonight joining me to talk about the show, or the movie, I should say, is my co-host, Jason Manzoukas! What's up, jerk? Welcome, Jason. Paul, this movie, oh boy.

Quick question. Yeah. Are we fighting with Hugh Jackman? Are we trying to start a fight with Hugh Jackman? We just did Swordfish. Yes. And now we're doing Van Helsing. Yes. Are we provoking Hugh Jackman? We are trying to see if this guy will come out and fight us on stage. By the way, Hugh Jackman, you coward. Come and fight us on stage here at Largo.

I think it's great to do Hugh Jackman movies because we love Hugh Jackman now. You got to see where you came from. Like, you can have a couple whiffs. A couple big whiffs and then come back big. This one was a straight oof. This was... This was too long. Yeah. Not good. Slow. I, at one point, was like, oh, I must be near... This must be the last fight. Hour left? That cannot be right. I...

As soon as I saw the runtime was two hours and 11 minutes, I was like, ooh. We need a rule. I can guarantee you 25 minutes could be, yeah. We need a rule. We can't do terrible movies that are over two hours. This is, like, we got to put a stop to this. It really, I know, it's taking a toll on all of us. The last 40 minutes are depressing. It really gets, it starts to eat away at you, like, I'm still watching this?

I would say the... What's going on? The most redemptive quality to this film was that it was available on Netflix. Like, I was like, well, all right, I didn't have to pay for it because I'm already paying for Netflix. That's not worth it. That's not worth it. I'd rather pay for... Or I would rather pay for a shorter... This movie was terrible, man.

This is unconscionably bad. My double header, I was on an airplane last Sunday when I watched this, was Hereditary and Van Helsing. Back to back. It was a rough flight. Not a good flight for me. Both of them so sexy. Both of them with werewolves.

There's no well worth it. I thought that this, oh, I just, well, we'll get into it. We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. And we have such an amazing panel. You know our first guest from the hit Comedy Central show, Another Period, and from the group Garfunkel and Oates, please welcome Ricky Lindholm, our next guest, you know, from The Thrilling Adventure Hour. He is an amazing writer and has a brand new comic book graphic novel coming out called Hex Wives. It's coming out on Halloween. Please welcome Ben Blacker.

Our next guest, stuck around from the first show, please welcome Seth Rogen!

You watched this movie too. I did. I saw this shit in the fucking theater and I emailed Paul. And I literally emailed, I was like, I feel like this movie owes me something pleasurable. And so I would like to come talk about it. I also saw this movie in the theater and did not remember anything about it except that it was bad, but not in what way it was bad. I watched it today and I don't know what happened. I have no idea.

Within the first 20 minutes, I stopped it three times to make sure I was watching the right movie. I was like, is it possible that I'm watching the wrong movie? No, you were watching the werewolf vampire. Yes, I was watching the right movie and I was like, oh.

Well, it's a weird movie because it has all the makings of something that should be good. How? What are those? Well, to me, I'm like, this is maybe a prequel to the Dark Universe. We love the Dark Universe. It's gotten off to such a great start. No, it's such a... The movie, it's Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing, who is this James Bond-ian vampire hunter who has a...

Uzi crossbow. It's so stupid. This movie is so fucking stupid and it does this shit that so many movies do where it takes place in the past but then they just give them technology that negates the fact that it's in the fucking past. And not just technology but contemporary dialogue. Yeah. People in medieval times will be like, that's gonna hurt. What? What?

No, it's not. Well, you don't say that. I don't say that for 100 years. You don't say that for 100 years. That's crazy. Oh, that's going to leave a mark. The thing that irritated me the most about this movie is it opens up and it looks like one of those classic horror films. Black and white. It seemed cool at the beginning. If this movie had been made in 1946, it would be the best movie. It would have blown people's minds.

If this would still be talking about Devil Maker. How they did that. I would love, like, I would love it if it was like a monster movie because I honestly went into this not knowing anything. Okay. So that when it started with the black and white flashback of Frankenstein, Dr. Frankenstein, blah, blah, blah, I was like, oh,

By the way, and this is my issue, that flashback is revealed to be one year ago. Yes! One year ago! That's the craziest shit ever. I missed the reveal. I did not understand this movie at all. It was crazy. Only every single thing happened in it. Well, it introduces Dr. Frankenstein being in Transylvania right off the bat. So you're like, what? That's confusing. Successfully.

bringing his monster to life. But it's also about Dracula running at Gus Fring in Breaking Bad. It's like, he's hired Dr. Frankenstein. I wrote at one point that he needs Frankenstein's tech. But he can also, like, I Dream of Jeannie. He can just pop around the room. There are no rules. There's no physics. Everyone can fly. I realize the rule is he can teleport only when it makes the conversation a little funnier. LAUGHTER

That's the teleportation rule. It's like, during a fight, he will not teleport. But if it allows him to, like, make the person he's talking to think that he's gone and then come back, then he can teleport. He really, like, he teleports like an annoying person would teleport. It's like, you're on the roof now? Or, like...

There's a part where he's walking up a wall. That's the craziest fucking shit I've ever seen. All of the upside down stuff is nuts. Like, I'm going to be honest. This movie is, I think, 7.5 hours long.

And four and a half hours... Oh, wait, you didn't watch the second part. Four and a half hours of it take place upside down. And it is... I felt... A lot of it's upside down. A lot of it's upside down. And you can tell the costume department is like, ooh, we're gonna have stuff that when it's upside down, it's just draping. Dracula and his hair will be like this. So much flowing drapery. And then he's having like an emotional moment. His hair is upside down.

with his hair in this movie and it kept trying to figure out what hair it was. Yes. So I have it narrowed down. I think it's either Jodie Foster in The Accused. Sure. Right? Like it's got that little poof or it's Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters. And then when it's raining it's sort of Sharon Moonstruck. But then it's a little bit Kelly McGillis in everything.

This movie should have been called Van Helsing's Extensions because everyone is like, my character is my hair. That is it. The vampire was very... I wrote vampires puffy. That's like Dracula was just a little puffy. I thought it was bulky when I first saw it. Yeah, he's just a little

unhealthy, which is not what you think of when you think of a vampire. It's like, that guy could use a nap. He seems like he stayed out late last night, which is what vampires do, but you shouldn't. Yeah, you shouldn't look that way. It showed on him. And he is getting 12 hours of sleep a night. And he's feasting on only the best blood. Well, the vampire

Okay, there's so many things. I don't know. What is Igor? Can anyone answer what Igor is? What is Igor? I know what Igor is. He's like, think comedy relief in this movie. But is he a human or is he a mutant? Because the Igor that I understand from those movies is like, yeah, but he looks a little... Is he different? He's weird looking. What are those other things? What?

Dracula had the evil minions. He had bad minion Oompa Loompas. I couldn't figure out, doesn't Igor belong to Dr. Frankenstein? Right, but he wants more money. But he seems to belong to Dracula now. He needs cold hard cash for something. He's saving up them bucks for who knows what for that surgery. What's his dream?

That's the movie I want to see. Yeah, exactly. Oh, there's like a lot in this movie. He was like, you were great to me, but he's... I just noticed that Mr. Hyde is in this movie. I wrote that down. Well, this is like the thing. The first time you're introduced to him, Van Helsing, he is fighting Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde where? In Notre Dame. In Notre Dame. Yes. The fucking hunchback should be there, right? That's the thing.

That's what they do in the first thing with Frankensteins in Transylvania. It's like our first thing is geographically fuck everything. It's not like they ADR'd him saying Mr. Hyde. Right. Because like they couldn't get the rights to Quasimodo. And then he fucks he's bad at his job is the other thing. He killed him. Then Helsing sucks. Like he fucking

He kills the guy. He's wanted. Yes. He always kills the guy. Always kills the guy. You gotta bring him in alive, but don't kill him. And he's like, uh-oh, I killed him. And by the way... And it shows the sadness. It goes out of its way to show the transformation of him into a person realizing he's about to die. It's not a monster. It's not a... He turned just in time for you to watch his soul leave his body. Yeah.

He transforms into a armless man. First seeing his arm is gone, and then that he's going to die. And you watch it happen, and then people swarm around him, and then a policeman looks up and is like, Van Helsing, you murderer! Like, that's the central theme. But this movie also presents that Van Helsing is like a cop in this world, and he has a boss who's like, goddamn!

Van Helsing, get in here. Give me your crossbow. He's like, it's James Bond. He's medieval James Bond. He has a cue. Yes. I feel like, I don't know who that actor was. I'm sure he's great, but I feel like they thought that cue was so funny. Yes. He's not a funny man. They were so pleased with him. Wait, I don't know what a cue is.

He's a gadget man. A guy who gives gadgets. Okay. Is that the guy who makes the stuff? Yes. Carl. Yes. He has it named Carl, which I didn't understand. Everyone had names like Valkyrie. Wasn't it Dom Hogleason? No, it was not Dom. Dom Hogleason was six years old. It was David Wenham.

Oh, it is. It's a guy from 300 who's narrating it with the eyepatch. It's the guy from Lord of the Rings. Thank you. He sets up the bomb that they use at the end in the dumbest way ever I've ever seen in any movie ever. Don't know what it does.

What is this? I don't know. I don't know where you would ever use this thing that gives you so much light. Like the light in the sun. But we know how vampires work. No, but they don't seem to. He's in possession of the exact weapon to use against vampires. What does this do? Here's your garlic. Here's your fucking holy water. What's this?

What does this light bomb do? I don't know. We'll figure it out. I don't know. I don't know if it's ever going to be useful, but it has the light of a thousand suns. So you might as well take it.

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So he's playing Wolverine to a certain degree, right? He's a guy who has no memory of his past, but only details. And X-Men had come out, right? I believe so. But he's like a really delicate Wolverine. He's very feminine in this. Like, I was really into the curl sort of. When he had the mask, the bandana, I thought it was Kate Beckinsale.

No, really, because he's sort of smoldering and then he took it off and it was just like Hugh Jackman in like a wet pilgrim hat and like Nellie Olsen curls. The pilgrim hat is the worst choice for me. I like that it's wet. It's wet and then he takes it off and puts it on her head. He's like, I've been wearing this for 400 years. Swish. Get his deal at all. Was he old?

Did he? What was happening? He's hundreds of years old, right? They don't talk about that. No, they don't. I thought they said they found you on a doorstep as a baby, but then later it's like he was an adult, so I don't know. And also Dracula's like, what has it been, 300 years since I've seen you or whatever? You took my ring from my missing finger. You murdered me.

- He murdered me. - Who let Dracula grow his finger back? I don't understand that. And an hour and a half into the movie, they're like, "Your nightmares you've been having." And he's like, "This guy's been having nightmares?" - Well, the movie cannot stop for any plot. It goes. - No. - And then he goes,

That's for another discussion. Sequel. That's a sequel. The plot of the movie is I could, I actually, I know what the bad guys were trying to do. What? But I couldn't tell you what the good guys were trying to do, which is not a good. The bad guys were just trying to keep gremlins alive. No, so the bad guys. He just wanted children.

No, it's that these vampire ladies somehow, in a way I would love to see, birth out thousands of these egg sacs. Giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant, giant,

Bag size egg sacs. Just fucking shitting these things out. Duff thousands of them. Like hockey bags. Each one. A fucking goalie's worth of equipment. Is he impregnating them every time? Yes, every time. Every week it sounds like. But they keep dying for some reason. So they need Frankenstein's tech to...

Schultz it into the fucking duffel bag, baby. It needs multiple lightning strikes to get the vampire babies to live long enough to who fucking cares? This doesn't add up at all. I think they fly into pillars, float into gold. They all, yes.

But didn't they kill off the 4,000 sacks and then he had another 4,000? He has way more. That's what they tell you. Oh, yeah. Those weren't them. Oh, Dracula. Make no mistake. He's got three brides and Dracula. Fuck. Looks like hell. He's dropping loads in these gals. They are dropping out cocoon sacks of alien eggs. How does that work? How do those come together?

I was looking online, I was like, do vampire bats shoot out egg sacs? You did? Yeah. Why? Do you know how that's going to affect your search history? The targeted ads you're about to get are chilling. So many egg sacs. These women are constantly ovulating. Squirting them out.

It's crazy. Scrumming up the double life. Makes no fucking sense. Oh, it's nuts. But I don't, for the life of me, could not tell you what Van Helsing was sent there to do. He was there to save Kate Beckinsale and her incestuous lover brother because nine generations need to go to heaven? They're in purgatory? That's what I couldn't figure out. But then he didn't save them. Oh, no. He kills her. Yeah.

He fucking hates to ruin it. He's the guy in the movie who murders the woman who he's supposed to be protecting. But they treat it like he did what he was supposed to do. And they ride away from the funeral of

in like a beautiful sunset shot. The adventure continues. Go murder more women than I fall in love with. He might as well high five Carl and be like, I fucking nailed it. You know that they had to like... This went perfect.

They had to put those faces in the clouds later. Van Helsing did it again. I wouldn't be surprised if this was part of the Van Wilder series. But don't you feel like this is where they get James Bond all wrong? It's like, oh yeah, and at the end he'll kill her. So then the next movie he'll have a new girlfriend. Have him kill her. There's a sequel. Well, I think they were trying to make this a sequel. They're still trying to make this shit, man.

It's so crazy. It's so stupid. But you're also supposed to believe at the end, like, she's happy now because she's with her family in the clouds. And she's dead. That was crazy. Then who cares? Why'd she die the whole time? Like, why is he trying to save her at all? Why keep them alive? Why do we need them? Yeah, just kill him. The whole thing makes no sense. I feel...

There was an anecdote that she brought at the end. She did, yeah. That she stabbed him with when he was a wolf. Yes. And then he killed her. Correct. Her reward for saving him from a life of being a werewolf is death.

Also, Hugh Jackman turns into a werewolf in this movie, which is another thing you're like, so are you a werewolf? Like, it's like, is she a werewolf? Like, what's... He's immortal. He's definitely immortal. We don't know why, but yet he's working for an organization...

that is taking care of the Vatican. Vatican Secret Service. There's other religions tied up. There's like Buddhists and stuff like that. It's the one thing religions agree on is that we have to kill monsters. But yet they work in secret and then people are mad at him when he kills monsters. Yeah, and that's like his burden. He's like, I'll take it. I'll just look like a mass murderer. But I know I'm killing monsters.

but yet he is still killing... People are probably terrorized by these monsters, I would think. Do we know why Dracula needed Frankenstein's tech? To juice the egg sacs. Yeah. He needed... Dracula has a genetic deficiency. I don't know why he needed the babies alive because aren't vampires dead?

That was where I got confused. That's what they say. There's a line that they say. Well, vampires are dead, so it only makes sense that their offspring are born dead is a line in the movie. Also, if you leave it... So that's the logic. They're born dead, and Frankenstein's tech brings dead shit back to life. I got it. And since their babies are born dead, they need Frankenstein's tech to juice the babies to life, which just makes no sense. Don't they need werewolf tech?

They need a lot of tech. The movie repeats. It kind of starts over in the middle. Yeah. They need like two people's tech. Two movies. Yeah, they take a three-minute break and then the action just starts again. He's like, wear my wet hat. We're starting the movie. Everybody who lives in Transylvania seems unfazed by the existence of flying vampire harpies. Well, that's what the weird thing is. So stay in at night.

Everybody's like out at night, like life is great. Well, they also are like, you killed them. Come on. Why?

eat one of us a month. It's not that big of a deal. That's the funniest part of the movies. In their world, they've decided it's okay if the vampires eat a couple of them once a month. They've worked the balance out. They're just like, Ben Hussing, we got a thing. The vampires come in. Stop fucking it up, man. They eat a couple people. That's the guy, the caretaker. The undertaker guy. The undertaker. Who loves death.

That guy just loves it. It was so ironic that he was digging a grave and then he actually ended up in the grave. That's good storytelling. Oh, boy.

That saves the cat. I did love the set design. It made me feel like I was doing Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios. Because it was, like, one step below that. It was, like... It was so, like... I mean, in the CGI in this movie, they stole all the Lord of the Rings CGI, so it was the first movie outside Lord of the Rings that did it, but they didn't quite, like, finish it or something. The CGI is...

It's terrible. And everybody, like the brides, the female, like, harpy kind of characters. Their shit's crazy. Like, you just have to imagine that those actors are in a room and also the brother who keeps turning into a werewolf and so forth. But when he turns into it, he rips his skin off. He rips his skin off immediately. That was awful. He has layers of skin, fur. Skin, fur. That's what it's implying. It's as if to say there's a wolf underneath the skin. Yeah.

Once I rip myself of the skin, I will be the wolf. Right. Rip, rip, rip, rip, rip. And it's crazy gross. It's disgusting. But the actor, you know, the actor is just shirtless, like, and they're like, great, more. Ah!

It's like his performance is crazy. All the brides and the brides and Dracula keep doing this thing where they are opening their mouths to one another but not kissing. No, those poor women. It's so much grosser than kissing. We all agree kissing is gross. They were there for like six months to a year. They had no lines. All they did was scream. Each other's names. Right. Or like lick the...

I also found that Dracula had a hard time with what to do with his hands. Like, he was always, like, hugging himself, like this. And it was like, if you watch his hands in the movie, there are a lot of, like, mmm, mmm. He needed pockets. He didn't look good. He wasn't good. He was puffy. Well, Hugh Jackman not doing any sort of accent besides...

It's kind of British. He had like a little bit of that 1920s accent. I don't know what he was up to. Just bad movie accent. And Kate Beckinsale was also making an effort. But yeah, everyone else is going like, what is going on? We're in Transylvania. By the way, really good. That was pretty good. Everybody was wrong. I worked Halloween Horror Nights two years ago. Um...

The... Wait. Well, there's so much stuff to talk about. But there also is nothing. Yes. I know. Well, that's what I heard. There's simultaneously so much to talk about, and honestly, we could end the show now. I know. I...

Five minutes in, I just wrote so much screaming. Just an assault. It's a constant assault. I wrote, he doesn't seem to have any specific skills. He literally... That goes for everyone. He has terrible aim. He shoots 100,000 of those arrows at one point right at Kate Beckinsale as she's running away. I'm like...

It's like psychotic. Like, what does he do? What does he do? What is his ability? Why is he the James Bond? Why is he Van Helsing? Great question. Yeah, and what is his secret? What's his past? I don't understand. We never find out, and we don't care.

He doesn't even seem passionate about killing them. And that's what my understanding of Van Helsing was like, I must kill Dracula. It's in my, I need to do this. He doesn't seem to be like, he's like, well, another day, another dollar. Like if they told him to go to 7-Eleven, he'd be like, okay, fine. What do you want? Big golf trip. When the priest at the beginning is like, we're going to send you to Transylvania, you know, Dracula is there. And he's like, Dracula? As if to say like, I thought that was like a story. Yeah.

No, wait, what? This is like, this is your whole ethos. See, I read it like this. I read it like, he's like, Dracula? Didn't I kill Dracula? And there's multiple, because I feel like this movie is like, he killed a majority of the main villains. If they were to do a sequel, like, what, the creature from the Black Lagoon? I mean, like, you really try. But then when Dracula introduces himself, he calls himself Dracula.

or something? What did he say? Dragulia. He says Dragulia. They're like, Dracula, Dracula. And he's like, I'll tell you about your past later. And just so you know, my name is Dragulia. Here is Dracula. I never talk about it. I did write down that the running and fighting to talking ratio is about 90 to 10. It's amazing. But this is Dracula kind of introducing himself. Here we go. Is this your silver steak? Mm-hmm.

- How long? - This hat is ridiculous. - Three, four hundred years? - By the way, Van Helsing looks shocked, like, whoa. - Whoa, hey. - And meanwhile, this guy's like, "Hey Gabriel, what's up?" - Don't remember, do you? - Exactly what is it? I should be remembering.

Wait, so by the way, his secret identity is his actual identity.

It's like saying, like, you don't remember anything. Your name is Van Helsing. Oh, so it was the same? So... Yeah. No shit, man. Nobody found him and was like, we will call you Van Helsing. Nope, you've always been called Van Helsing for hundreds of years. I guess that was not the Dragulia clip. I mean, it's not exactly like he's Jason Bourne. Like, his mind wasn't wiped ten years ago. Right, exactly. But yet it was. When was it wiped? Who the fuck knows? They never say. First of all...

he committed in the past that he never finds out about. Which is, by the way, the same exact storyline for Wolverine. Yes, that's a fact. Wolverine's mind is also, memories rather, are also erased. And he's old and he's been around for many, yeah. That's all Hugh Jackman wants to play. Yes. When do my memories get erased, eh? I have a few now. It's all I want. This man's memory's too present. Maybe...

Maybe he can't remember his life. What if he can't remember things? I wrote this. The bad guy's plan fails halfway through the movie.

For no reason. Like, they don't stop it. It just fails. They should have just, like, it felt like... They could have left it alone. Yeah, they're just like, oh, they could have not showed up ever, and the movie would have just not happened. It feels like an improv scene. It's like, oh, we already said that other stuff, and we got to keep on going before we're going to get the blackout, so let's keep on justifying. Pop all the gargoyles. What else? What else? How about a horse-drawn carriage chase?

But it's like, like really exciting. There's very long action scenes in this movie. I wrote, this werewolf just keeps falling into rivers. It's so true. Doesn't he ups into water? Like multiple times. He never learns. The clumsy werewolf. It also is that time of CGI where the actors were bad at looking at CGI. Yeah, they did it though. Oh!

Where is it? Ah, I'm so scared of it. It's like in the 50s when they were bad at driving. Yeah. It also feels like they didn't get if it would look real or not. So they were afraid to pretend too hard. It won't look that real. I'll hedge my bets. I don't know about this. I liked the woman who falls out of a building and Carl catches her.

And then she's like, what can I do to repay you? And he's like, fuck me. No, no. And she goes. No, no, it's even better because he goes. She goes, can we do that? I thought you were a monk. You're a monk. It's like a weird aside whispered, which is so much creepier. Yeah, and then he goes, no, I'm just a friar. And she goes. She's like, friar, fuck. Yeah.

we see her is when he like throws her over the couch. Yeah. Great porn name though. She's woken up by him landing on her. Fry or fuck. Fry or fuck. It's my favorite Robin Hood porn. Yeah, Robin Hood porn parody. Yeah, the fee parts in this movie are amazing. It's also a good game show where you choose whether to fry some food or... Fry! Or! Fuck!

I always pick Fry. Oreos are good, Fred. Not me. I don't want a fucking Oreo.

I can't believe that guy fucked all those potatoes. It was so clearly frying. He could have just had french fries. And he fried three women, which was crazy. I couldn't believe that. You know what? I get why that show was canceled. Yeah. It was pretty dark. Wildly unpredictable show. Uh...

- That's our next t-shirt. - That's a t-shirt. That's a fucking t-shirt right there.

Carl also has my favorite line in the movie. I forget what happened because a lot of people are falling and whatever. Carl. Carl. When he falls and he sees something bad happen, he goes, must warn somebody. Somebody. They hadn't written who yet. Mine in the movie was when Beckinsale went, I've never been to the sea. I know. But it's beautiful.

Romania, by the way, on the sea. On the Black Sea. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The opening scene's on the ocean, I think. They're on a boat. That's how Van Helsing and Carl get there, on a boat. I love that. Yeah, she's bare at sea, isn't she? Yeah. Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, I get it now. Oh, and things keep... Wait a minute. No, she's not actually. She says that line after she's been to the sea because the...

to the water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure that's a lake. Oh. The funniest part also is they just keep blow-darting Frankenstein. Like, Frankenstein, I have a controversial statement. Frankenstein is the smartest person in the movie. Oh, yes, yes.

Wait, why? 100%. Frankenstein is the reanimated pieces of seven different men. He has empathy, compassion, and an understanding of what's happening. He's like, why are you doing this? Go, help Ben Helsing. Get out of here. Also, he is built like a rock-em-sock-em robot. When he gets punched in the face, his face just opens up.

The only person I trust in this movie is Frankenstein. I like the Frankenstein stuff. I like Frankenstein. I like when they put him in ice. He's in a big ice cube. I liked the beginning when they brought him into like a rickety windmill of Bibles in absence. And then everyone came with fire and you're like, what's going to happen? Was he like,

Did he, like, when the windmill collapsed, like, he just stayed underground for the rest of his days? I guess for a year. I thought it was, like, 400 years, but I guess it was just a year. For one calendar year. It's been eight months I've been in this cave. It's not that bad. And they're, like, boating everywhere. I've just been eating these little tiny chicken bones and putting them in a stack. I won them on fire fuck.

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Subject to eligibility requirements in partnership with Kansas Crossing Casino and Hotel. Is he, um... He... Okay. I don't even really want to know the answer to this, but...

Why, in the beginning, I'm assuming, are we seeing Kate Beckinsale and her brother's father in that scene? No, them. I have no idea. They're in that opening scene? Oh, wait. In the opening scene. Oh. Wait, we are? Is their father part of the initial- The one leading the charge? Yeah, with the cross. The white haired guy? Look who's here. And the brother's like, father? Where did that guy get burned up? That guy was-

- I thought that was The Undertaker. - Yeah, The Undertaker. - That is The Undertaker. - Oh, it is? - All right, let's see. - But the father, it doesn't, it's okay if it's not. - I did not follow this movie. - All right, so this is up in the Frankenstein house. - Okay. - This movie's crazy. - Oh, we haven't even talked about the map that turns into a door to just another-- - The fresco. - Just another castle. - The transforming fresco.

We never saw that. Which, by the way, he... Sorry, I've missed my great computer abilities. Which he has, like, the one lone piece to, but they never realized that that would fit into a big giant map. And all you need to do is say a thing out loud and it, like, becomes animation. Like an ice wall. It's alive! That was so stupid. What happened to this guy? He just... He dies. No!

Okay, standard Christmas thanks story. Yeah, this opening is great. Exposition, man. Wait a minute. Paul, this opening is not great. This opening is great. I did not hate this opening. I thought this opening, I liked it. I was like, oh, this is actually, I think it totally said something until you saw this guy who looked like he's like a steampunk cosplayer. Yeah, no, this guy looks like a character in like a goon comic book. Yeah. Fucking steampunk. Oh my God!

All right, so Frankenstein, the doctor. So, like, is their dad not part of this? Oh, no. See? Only in a conversation.

I teleport conversationally. It's okay. It doesn't matter. I just am so curious because then they find later that the father is all charred up. Oh, my God. That is so hot. It's so scary. There's parts of this that are so scary. Yeah, and it's one of those movies where they're also, they play into every trope, but then they're not content to, like, keep it simple. It's like, this vampire has nine million vampire teeth. Like, all right, I guess. All right, like...

But then he gets thrown into a fire, but he's sort of down for a minute and then turns into a bat.

bat. Like, I don't understand the rules. And a shadow. Everyone can fly. He's a shadow as well at certain points, right? No, they just only show his shadow. They're waiting for the reveal. For budgetary purposes, I would imagine. I see. They're like, we got 12 shots where he's this bat thing. The bat ladies all the time. Yeah. And then when he turns back, like, when he turns into the animal and then he comes back to himself, his clothes are back on his body. Yes. So he never breaks out of his clothes. No. The clothes don't hurt. They're a construct.

Fashion doesn't burn. Apparently Hugh Jackman was going to be full on nude in this movie but they added a loincloth to his werewolf costume which is an odd choice if he was going to be like yeah this is the movie where I'll show my dick. I would have liked to see that. I trust Stephen Sommers. That is crazy. Has he ever gone

Like, full frontal? Asking for a friend. Full Jackman. Full Jackman. I would like to see that. Putting the huge in Hugh Jackman. I bet he has a giant dick, though. All jokes aside. Totally. Hugh, no, he's not circumcised. No. Now, why, eh? Seriously?

His dick also has a small little pilgrim hat on it. Yeah, exactly. A little sopping wet pilgrim hat. What is the hat? The hat makes no sense. It was like a four-non-blondes hat. Do you remember? It was. And I said, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was like a John Popper hat. Yeah. Just a lot of harmonicas on it. All of a sudden, Van Helsing plays, oh, music soothes the savage beast. What?

The hat is... A lot of hat work in the movie. Like, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, he takes the hat, he puts it on. Then he takes the hat back and puts it on. Becansall gets the hat, she puts it... Everyone's putting on this hat, which I feel like they're like, oh, man, wait for Halloween. We're going to...

people are going to love this hat. I thought the hat was going to have some magical powers or something, but then no. Well, it feels like every piece of the movie was orchestrated to be the beginning of a franchise. Yes. This hat's going to have meaning. Yes. And the Q scenes, people are going to love that shit. They're going to love Carl. They're still trying that shit. Did you watch that mummy shit? They couldn't be trying harder. All they want, they think Universal thinks Universal

you care about monsters. Yeah, they think you. They think you. You fucking dum-dums. Yeah. Out there.

at home thinking, I wish I could see a mummy movie right now. Yeah. Or the wolf man. I wish I could see what was up with the wolf man right now. That's what they think about you. Who cares? It's like a bunch of executives in a room who've never seen The Conjuring. It's like, now we know what will scare them, the wolf man. Yeah, it's like, no, what's craziest? Universal makes all those Jason Blum

fucking movie. They still think you want to see a mummy. What? It's all because they want to be like, Marvel's got a universe. We got a universe too. You don't need a universe. Reboot Abbott Costello. Dracula. Dracula. The mummy. Van Helsing. I don't know. It's psychotic. Oh, it's crazy. What is public domain? That's what we've got. By the way, so this is something that Avril found. This movie has a lot of one thing and that is swinging.

I'm about to die

Seeing that masquerade again makes me remember that scene made no sense. Dracula was like, meet me at the masquerade ball, but then the masquerade ball was only like vampires. Vampires. I don't even remember a masquerade ball at all. It's in there. Oh yeah, remember Van Helsing is like somewhere public where your master won't be able to like blah, blah, blah. Turn into a monster. And then it's just basically a masquerade ball of monsters. A vampire monster ball. I feel like it's zoned out

out for a lot of the rules. Well, it's because Van Helsing sucks at his fucking job. He's outplayed and outmatched at every turn. There's that thing in that red letter media thing about Star Wars and Phantom Menace. It's like, describe any of the characters from Phantom Menace without using their job or their name. It's like, what's Van Helsing without his job or his name? It's a hat. He's just a hat. He's just a hat.

There's nothing about him that you can't say like, oh, he doesn't have any knowledge. He does not seem to like women that much. He's very rough with Kate Beckinsale. He knocks her out at one point. He sprays her in the face.

He sprays her with some shit. Instead of being like, don't go, his first course of action is to knock her out. Just to spray her unconscious. The movie would be better, arguably, if it was about Kate Beckinsale and her brother. Yes. I want to know about the family whose lineage is dedicated to eradicating Dracula. You would think that would be Van Helsing's lineage. Her and her brother had some chemistry. She and her brother fucked.

There is no doubt Velkin and Anna are fucking. What if Van Helsing is their dad and that's what you reveal? Well, that's what I thought from the second it started. I don't know why he didn't think that. He's like, I'm a vampire hunter. I don't know my past. Here's his family of vampire hunters. I should probably fuck the girl. I would be like, there's a good chance we're related. They're probably the family.

I don't know about. And he's just like, now I'll fuck her and figure this shit out later. Like, that's crazy. You're right. Oh, fucking Van Helsing. Fucking Van Helsing. This movie is two and a half hours long. This should have stopped. It should, they had an end, it was ending. And then they started again. Yes. They did. Make it a 90 minute movie. This is hubris. This movie is hubris.

How dare you fly so close to not the sun? Had the mummy come out? Let's see. I wonder. Yes. I think he got this on the back of the mummy. Yeah. Who knew Brendan Fraser was the thing that was making that shit work? Yeah, not until he's gone. You're like, wow. He really held it together. I guess he was the thing that brought it all together. Totally. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I would have loved it if they'd linked these movies up. If Brendan Fraser and Hugh Jackman had arrived in a movie together. Or Finn Helsing and Encino Man. I want to see Encino Man. That crossover. That indie movie. Yeah, that indie movie, right? He played Frank. Really? Yeah, Gods and Monsters. Gods and Monsters, yeah. That's a good one. That's a very good movie, yeah. Wait, no, Gods of Egypt? No.

That's a great movie. Just kidding. But this is a movie like that. It's a movie where everything happens. Not just one thing. It's just non-stop. I wrote at, I think it was a half hour mark, that it feels like everyone involved in this movie was hit in the head with a brick. Yeah.

About that time I wrote, can everyone fly? Like, I don't understand why everyone can fly. Physics does not apply. So I'm just realizing as we're talking too, it's like, so, all right, so. Oh.

Frankenstein was in Transylvania, but then Dracula was in an ice world. Yeah. That nobody knows where it is. That made no sense. Right. That makes no... Again, why fuck up the one thing that we know? Yeah, where's Dracula? Transylvania. Nope. Ice world in a mirror, motherfucker. We don't know where he is. We don't know how to get to him. And why an ice world? Like, that's nothing about Van... Like, nothing...

Nothing about Dracula is like, he needs to be iced. And then everything in that fucking castle was iced. You're like, here's the thing. In ice. Let's put Frankenstein in ice. It's a big ice cube. That was so silly looking. His poor little head. Help me! He was so sad the whole time, Frankenstein. Because he's the only person that understands the movie. And he wanted to leave. Him as the actor is like, get me out, please. Help me! He paddleboarded away and said,

away in the end, right? Get me away from this. There was like a funeral and then he was sort of... He's like, I'm out of here. But can't he fly? I don't understand why anyone uses horse carriages or paddle boards. Oh, and the horses that jump in this movie, are those horses supernatural?

They're just Transylvanian horses. And those are the decoy horses. Those are just the decoy horses. What's the decoy horses? Fly over a broken bridge. The regular horse. I don't know what's up in that scene. Meanwhile, Frankenstein's still afraid of fire. Like, put the fire out.

But it didn't seem like he knew that he was afraid of fire until he saw it in that moment, right? Well, he'd also been around that fire for a while. And the windmill was on fire. Yeah, but he lived there. It made no sense. His strength made no sense. What was his role in the movie? Like, how did he... He was such a... How did he further

He was the missing ingredient. He was the battery that they needed to put the lightning through to charge the egg sacks that the witches jizzed out. Wait, wasn't it like the bite of a wolfman? No. Without Frankenstein's tech...

The babies just blow up on their own. They pop after 18 minutes. They pop after 18 minutes. They could recreate the reanimation of Frankenstein, but without his literal body, and his body would die to give life. He's the key. It's just science. So who were all the other creatures that were hooked up? Well, there were the baby banes, the vampire banes that were running around. Yeah, the Oompa Loompa things. What were those? I don't know. Nope. They were just something to kill. And the whale was like...

like watching as Dracula remember when the first of the brides dies and Dracula it's the upside down grief scene how come she wasn't immortal how come she wasn't immortal because he got her in the heart with a thing because he shot her 400 times finally he dipped his cross

- His crossbow in holy water. - Oh, I see. - And he zapped her with that, she dies, they're all like, "Oh no." - She dies, but they take the time to really show her pain and agony. - This right here, this shit right here. - Her like registering that she will die. - This shit right here is straight up crazy. - He comes out of his ice coffin and this is the melodrama scene, so. - He says, "I feel no sorrow." - What is Crayley saying? - So delicate, so delicate. They're upside down. - Leave us alone.

Can you pause for a second? This actor must have gone home at night and been like, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know. I don't know. His partner is like, how was work today? Ah!

I don't know. I actually don't think so. I'm doing the best I can, but I'm like walking up walls. Half of what I'm doing is upside down. My hair is crazy. I feel like he's like pushing it, like pushing it. Maybe if I make a really insane choice, the director will say pull it back. And he never does. He's like, well, now I'll go even crazier. I think he thought he was winning an Oscar. Like, I think he thought this was like a supervillain for all time. Oh, yeah. He's committed. This is Thanos right here. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's weird because it's like... He's like using all the techniques from acting class. It is neither here nor there, though, at the same time. Like, it's not that good. It's not that bad. No, he doesn't have a bigger plan except he wants his children to live. By the way, good to you. But also, why?

I get his plan. Before she destroys what we are trying to create. We lost Marisha. Where are my darlings? Do not worry. I shall find another bride. What? Do we mean so little to you? Have you no heart? No! No!

I feel no love. Can you pause for a second? He says, I have no heart. I feel no love or whatever. He's like, but all he's doing is emoting. Yeah, he's so sad. It's so emo what his, his character is so emo, but he keeps saying, I have no emotion. I don't have anything. I have no heart. I have nothing. He is a high school student. He's like, I don't care. I don't care.

anything. You don't know me. Fuck you, Dad. A good use of overhead space, though. A lot of movies avoid that. You really get to see the ceilings in this. Let's go to the audience. Let's see what you guys have to say. Who has a question, a comment, anything that you'd like us to address? Ma'am, your name, your question. My name is Sophia, and I read on IMDb Trivia that the reason...

Dracula keeps calling him Gabriel is that in his past life Van Helsing was the angel Gabriel like in a biblical sense. Absolutely. See why didn't we learn that? Well that's great that you have to go to IMDB trivia right next to IMDB goose like to get the inside scoop. That was Stephen Summers' plan.

I'm trying to drive traffic to IMDb. All right, weird. Okay, but sure. And the reveal, the reveal 14 years later is going to come on IMDb trivia. Your name and your question. Um, Adina. So apparently Stephen Sommers wanted- Is it Adina Menzel?

Oh my God. Whoa, sing. Sing hits a Telnazim. Is it a Telnazim? Will you sing Let It Go just a little bit? The wickedly talented. Everyone be cool. Just let her ask her question. Don't make her sing. All right. So Stephen Sommers wanted Kate Beckinsale for this role, but she was doing Underworld. But her agent insisted that she get this script and then she signed on immediately. What about this garbage part made Kate Beckinsale want this so bad?

I don't know unless she wanted to have a dress rehearsal for Underworld. Like, she's like, you know, I'm really... She hates vampires. She wanted a corset that, like, cut her off right mid-boob. Mid-boob corset. She was like, how do I... It's not sexy. There's, like, the under-boob corset where she's, like, hot. There's, like, the above-boob corset where it's hot. And then she's like, no, I'll cut it off right in the middle. Mid-boob. And then put some red...

red fabric where you're like, is that a nipple? No. I know. That was so bizarre. It was so weird. I agree. I kept being like, wait, is this see-through now? Like, what's happening? They're like, no, this is red fabric. And there's tassels maybe. And when it's wet, it really looks like a nipple. I'll tell you what, I'm a Hollywood professional. Kate Beckinsale is a professional as well. There's no way she knew they were going to shoot the first draft of the movie. Ha ha ha.

It does feel like he wrote this in a weekend. Absolutely. And, like, he was, like, a 10-year-old, like, Boy Scout being like, and then there's vampires. By the way, weekend, I feel like day of. Like, oh.

Like, now you're here and you're upset and you come in. All right, go. And then you can fly. What's interesting about it is like the promise for her, because in success, I could see them being like, great, this is the beginning of a franchise. This is the beginning of this world. She dies in this movie. Yeah. So she's not even signing on for the franchise. No, she doesn't even

get good boob placement and she dies. Why did she sign on? If you are like what Adina Menzel was telling us, if you have two scripts in front of you, Underworld and this, what about... You say both. Yes.

She's already done Underworld. Is Underworld good? I missed that one as well. Underworld is terrible. Okay. But yet there's like nine sequels. They replaced Kate Beckinsale in it with somebody who looks like Kate Beckinsale. And then Kate Beckinsale came back. Yeah. I like those movies. Wow.

Kate Beckinsale wanted to be an action star. I think that's what it was. She's just like, I'm going to be in action movies. And she's good. She has very good physicality. She could kill vampires. I would rather watch the movie with her. Make that the choice. It's Van Helsing, but it's her. Boom. I'm in. She was Van Helsing. Yeah. It's a last name. You don't even have to change the fucking thing. It's Pam Helsing. Pam Helsing. There you go. It's Pam Helsing. Yes.

And that's just... How about Dan Van Helsing? Van Van... They should do a modern one called Dan Helsing. Yes, your name, your question. My name's Erin. What's up with the clouds? Like, the moon is still shining and the sun's still shining, but the clouds come and everything stops. Yeah, that's also part of that magic world that we don't get any insight into, right? And it's, like, always raining...

They're always wet. Which doesn't help the... I also noticed that it's... The thing about Transylvania is the vampires will come out if the clouds go in front of the sun. Yeah. They'll still come out, but if the clouds move away a little, they hide. They hide in rubble. Yeah, that surprised me. I didn't know... Because again...

Again, in my mind, I'm like, the vampires you all seem to know come out at night. So stay indoors or underground at night and live your lives in the day. They just didn't want to shoot the whole movie at night. Yeah. They were like, we've got to work around this. It's too expensive. What if we just put wells throughout the countryside? Only one way to put a hide in a well every time. A real risky...

attack. Like, why would you even, yeah, like, it's just dumb. It's like, well, hopefully there's enough cloud coverage. Yeah, why not attack at night? Yeah. But luckily, the Transylvanians are totally ill-prepared for this thing that happens all the time. Yeah, how come none of them have wooden stakes? I know. Why isn't it like Pacific Rim? Like, they have, like, an infrastructure where it's like, oh, the vampires are coming. Like, get in your vampire cages. Yeah, like. Only that brother had something.

All these other guys are shooting regular guns. That town was stupid. They had a box of carrots out in the middle of winter. Like, I just saw that. It was like snow-covered carrots. It's like, put that shit inside, man. That's your food. Keep your fucking food. The whole town full of idiots. That's why the vampires were like, we'll eat these idiots. You won't miss them. Yes, your name's your question.

I'm Christy. Going back to the scroll, the granddad who started this whole thing sent it to Rome, to the Vatican. Sounds like a British person. You know so much more about this movie than I do. I don't know any of these words. This person is foreign. I'm sorry. Wait, so there's a scroll? Where was the scroll? You know the thing that opens the door? The scroll was the thing that's in the map. And he

Oh, the animated painting? He basically sent them all on this quest to be like, well, we won't go to heaven until we kill him. But he had the key to the door this whole time. He sent it? Are you Stephen Sommers? Yes. You understand this movie so much more than me. I didn't know any of that plot. I didn't get any of that. But by the way, that makes no fucking sense. So this is all actual history for your country. Right.

I bet this was taught to you in class because this is the history of your country. Wait, there was a grandfather? Wait, what? She said there was a grandfather with a school. No. No, the priest. She said there was a grandfather. She's saying that the grandfather who was in that study all the time, who stared at the map, sent that little... That was their father. So wait, hold on.

Did we ever see this person in the film? Yes. I don't know this person. We saw his charred remains. Oh, yes. Yeah, it was the guy who vowed, like, we won't die, like, go to heaven until Van Helsing is killed. And he then, all his lineage died, like, not going to heaven, but he, like, gave this part of the door to the Vatican and, like, didn't.

Oh, because he was like, I can't kill my own children was something they say, but I'll have Van Helsing murder them. Because he murders. That's all he does. That's all he's good at. He'll murder anybody. It should be Van Helsing to murder my progeny. Who do you need murdered? Van Helsing. He'll turn this map into a door. Who cares? This should have been like the test screening for Van Helsing. Like all of us. Imagine like, whoa, wow, we really fucked up. Wait, there's a grip?

I don't remember this character at all. All right, sir, name your question. You have a lot of notes. Let's see. Just a few. I'm Josh, and my thought was, so we have the Oompa Loompa orcs, because that's what they are, basically. Who were those people? Can you explain them to us?

You know, there were these terrifying creatures. They were like minions. I thought they were like bad minions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not funny minions. These guys definitely don't like bananas. Exactly. Peter, Peter. So Kate Beckinsale, she's there to go save her brother, and they kind of chirp and bark to each other, and she goes, oh, yeah, they're taking my brother to some experiment.

Like, how does she know what their language is? She speaks Minion Monster. She can fly. She's very acrobatic. They all also know where everyone else is at all times. How do they find Frankenstein? How do they find each other? At one point, Carl is like, Anna, I need some help. And then she's there. She's like two miles away. The movie only takes, there's three sound stages, so they just looked around at the sound stage. There was a movie.

There was a point when they go to the ice castle that whoever greets them, Igor, says they rebuilt the laboratory and it was the exact same set as the previous. That's exactly when they ran out of money. I realized for years, so Universal Studios in LA had this haunted mansion and the haunted mansion is that laboratory that I never realized was it and I was like, oh.

Oh. Universal has a haunted mansion? Yes, when you first walk in. They were banking on this. Yeah, that was like, they were like, so you would walk through this haunted mansion. It was Van Helsing's haunted mansion. The hat was there. And now it's walking dead. It's walking dead now, but it was this. Ben, have you worn the hat? Oh, I wish. To touch the brim. You can kind of tell the scenes where the,

the budget ran out. It was like when they doubled the laboratory and then when they had that Shrek monster Jekyll and Hyde. Yes. It looked like the Rudolph cartoon. It was like Canadian TV. Yes. I'm Canadian. Whoa. Ha ha ha.

So you know. But I agree with that. So for you, what we're talking about is just TV. It's just TV, yeah. But all of a sudden, it was animated and really bad. You mean television, huh? Yeah. We're talking about TV, eh? We call it television.

Sir, your name, your question. My name is Jose. Going back to the eggs that were born. Absolutely. The jizzed out egg sacs, yes. Yeah. So Frankenstein's monster said that it was, that first batch was born from one bride. Yeah. During one birthing. So gross. Meaning that she had all those. 4,000. That 4,000 egg sacs. A cathedral's worth. Yeah.

That's how you measure. Oh, I didn't remember. This is the thing. Oh, yeah. You ever been with a girl who just like starts cheesing out those sacks? I can picture you got like those toys you would put Play-Doh in and it would squirt it out in different shapes. Oh, these vampires are like a Snoopy snow cone machine of egg sacks. Oh, dude.

Everything you're describing makes more sense than this movie. We'd watch a whole movie about just a one-woman vampire having to birth 4,000 eggs. And be like, this is miserable. I would watch this movie where we could stop it after every line and be like, do we understand where we're at now? Like, just where does it start to lose the thread? Your name, your question. My name's Rachel, and the beginning of the movie actually made me mad right off the bat because...

Frankenstein is up in the laboratory in Dracula's castle. Yeah.

Why? How does the townspeople know what he's doing? He's like... And why are they mad? He's a grave robber. They're mad because he's a grave robber. They know that's Dracula's castle, so they just don't fear vampires enough to go and try and barricade down the door? No, it's in Transylvania. Yes. I mean, according... Isn't it Frankenstein? He was in Germany, according to the book. I'm just going to say. You read the book, Van Helsing's?

I did drunk kiss street. Just last week about Frankenstein. So I'm pretty well versed. So that's really at home for you. I've been living and breathing this shit, man. Are you Frankenstein? I am Frankenstein. All right. Your name, your question. My name is Grace. So Carl repeatedly says that he's just a friar.

Fridays don't evolve into months. Can I just put you on pause for one second? How many people's show of hands are British in the audience?

Just super quick question. How many people in the audience are British? Jason, chill out. We're trying to make it sound like we're at the London podcast. Oh, okay, cool. I hired a bunch of scouts. But also like, what's up with how many British people? Sorry, continue. No, that's it. Friars don't evolve into monks. Friars don't evolve into...

Wait, what do you mean? Like when she said, like, aren't you a monk? Friars can fuck all their lives. They don't become monks. Friars have taken a vow of celibacy. Oh, friars can't fuck either. I think friars just wear the same robes, right? Yeah. This is the limit of my knowledge. LAUGHTER

Carl could be lying, though, too. That's an elegant way to say, I don't fucking know. I'm going to steal that. That's so British. This is the limit of my knowledge. This is the limit of my knowledge. This is the limit of my knowledge.

There are so many great facts about this movie. We were talking about Frankenstein before, but the actor who played Frankenstein, Shuler Hensley, reprised his role. Sherman Hensley? No, there are no black people in this movie. Moving on up, moving on up. There are only white people in this movie. I don't know if you noticed. Shuler Hensley reprised his role of Frankenstein's monster in the stage adaptation of Young Frankenstein. Yeah. Yeah.

And this is an interesting thing, too. We were talking about, like, while the film is an homage to 30 and 40 Universal monster films, the inclusion of Mr. Hyde is odd because Mr. Hyde is a MGM movie monster. What the fuck? So, like, in making this movie, just went to another, like, you have the rights to everything. Why go out of that?

Oh, I wasn't at the Hunchback of No Trip Fucking Day. Which I think they didn't get the rights to Hunchback. But they had the, that's a universal monster. Listen, I know a lot about this. I think they dubbed it. And also, you know, this is obviously going to be a franchise, but then they also had a spinoff TV series that NBC was going to do called Transylvania, which would have been about a Wild West sheriff who is taken to Europe to battle monsters with an occasional appearance by Hugh Jackman.

I'm into that. That's kind of dope, actually. Is it a musical? Howdy, Frankenstein. I just want to hear the words howdy, Frankenstein. On screen one day. That juxtaposition of an old West Sheriff is like... It's just the only other stupid bullshit that isn't in this movie. Your horses jump how far? It's high moon.

High Moon. That's a good name for that. Oh, High Moon. No, they called it Transylvania. So obviously we had an opinion about this movie, but now it is time for second opinions. Ba-da-ba-dum-bum-ba-dum-bum-bum-bum. Ba-da-ba-dum-bum-ba-dum-bum-bum.

The CG is always keener in somebody else's eyes. You may think the movie's garbage, but you're in for a surprise. You may think the plot is bonkers. You may think the acting's wild. But looking through online comments, you'll find people quite beguiled.

Second Opinions. Second Opinions. Surely it's crazy that those who are crazy are studio minions. Rotten Tomatoes says it's crap, but these brave people know better than that. Reclaiming their time now on Amazon Prime. Now Second Opinions. There you go. Well done. Well done. Wow. That was...

That was awesome. That was really good. Really good. All right. These are five-star reviews from Amazon. Did you give him a mini poster? I did. He walked away with a poster from Amazon. This is the worst gift of all time. This is the instructions to redeem that. Yes. There are six steps to get a free mini poster of this ticket.

So you're trying to redeem your mini... Is it a fan housing ticket? Step one, go to Regal Crown Club. Step two, sign into your Crown Club account. If you don't have one, you gotta make one. Step three, navigate to the Predator IMAX mini poster.

that there's three more steps. So the gift we're giving is one in which you are essentially spammed. We give you a gift that is your identity is stolen. And it just says credit. That's not good. We turn you into spam.

There are 1,341 customer reviews for Van Helsing. The average is 4.5 out of 5 stars. Wow. We're all going to die. The world's going to end. We're all going to die. This is the last generation of people. It's for the best. And this one is called Something for the Whole Family, written by Red Hall.

And it starts out like this. Another home run for Hugh Jackman. A twist on a set of classic tales with a new perspective. Kate Beckinsale shines as she flawlessly puts on a completely unique persona. In fact, I didn't even know it was her until I went to IMDB to see who was playing Princess Anna. The outfit really gives you new... She's a princess? Yes.

You don't find out until two hours into the movie. The outfit really gives you a new perspective on her form of acting. That's gross. Boob cut off. And then writes, violence, yes, but for me and my family, violence is easy for us to use as a teaching opportunity. So enjoy. Thank you.

It's easy. By the way, what kind of teaching opportunity are you using? Don't kill vampires. I don't know what you would say. It's easy. If anyone ever gives you an Uzi crossbow, don't use it. Don't Uzi it. Oh.

Sorry. Zooks. This one is written by Ellie, and her name is Ellie Straight Up Dumb Blonde. Cool name. It's not me. And Ellie writes, this was such a great movie. Me and my sister went to go see it, and I thought it was going to be scary, but it ended up being the best movie ever! Exclamation points times like ten!

It was so awesome. If you don't want one that's not scary, but a little scary, then it's right in the middle. It's the best movie ever. Exclamation, exclamation, exclamation, exclamation. I can't wait till it comes out so then I can buy it. And I loved it. And I hope all the other people that have seen it like it too. Amazing five stars. She loved it. She really was into it.

This one is... This is a great one. This is from Cosmic Debris. The title is Oh My God, and it goes like this. This is truly the best lightning-related movie ever. First of all, There Is No Way Back to the Future is not the best lightning-related movie ever. There you go.

Lightning happens at least ten times a minute in Van Helsing land. True, true, true. A true lightning lover's dream. And what an amazing group of characters. Lightning!

Some sort of person who's horny for like he just gauges the quality of movies on how much lightning there is. Oh shit. It looks like storm clouds are coming in. Get those pants out. Get those pants out. That movie had 10 strikes per minute, man. That was a 10 strike per minute movie, man. Oh my gosh.

Buy this movie. It's that lightning porn, I wonder. It ends with buy this movie now. Don't rent it first. Just buy it. You won't regret it.

Wow. That would be a weird fetish to find out, like on a Tinder date. Yeah. Why do people want to go to Seattle? We have to watch Twitter. Why do you want me to hold this big, long, metal... Exactly. Why do you have a kite with a set of keys dangling from the street? He's the guy who puts shopping carts back in the grocery store parking lot in the rain. Who are you dating? Me? This...

This final one is... Sad nose. Just kidding. This final one is by Gary Lichtenwaller, and it goes like this. Sign from God. Oh, no. Jesus will use all things for my good. This movie gives me hope. In the afterlife, I get a wife. That's his takeaway.

God is so good. Thy kingdom come. Thank you to everyone involved in making this movie. Your God, send amen. What are you talking about? So basically he's like, when he dies, there will be pretty women like Kate Beckinsale in heaven waiting for him. Can I ask you an honest question? Does that work? I don't know. We can find out. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. That's so odd.

These are so sad. Yeah. These really go dark. He sees this movie and is like, I can find love when I die. Someone watched Red Helsing and thought to themselves, I'm going to die and find love. Yes, when I die, then it'll happen for me. This movie eternally validated their existence. He's like, yes, life will be

That's so fucked up. Swiping on the app and then being like, oh, I don't need to do this. When I die, Kate Beckinsale's gonna fuck me. But is that the takeaway from the movie? The takeaway from the movie is, oh, yeah, like, oh, good, well, there'll be good people, good, beautiful people in heaven. Like, I mean, that's not really the takeaway. No. No, because when they're dead, like, she's still fucking her brother, right? Yeah.

That was heavily implied. Yeah. Also, did he not enjoy the movie until that final scene? Yeah. The whole time he's like, I'm still going to die and be alone. And then at the end he was like... I will never get married. No. That guy, you could describe his religion as Van Helsing. Yeah.

Like his theology is Van Helsing. And when he dies, what he thinks will happen is based on Van Helsing.

Yes, I studied the book of Van Helsing. Yeah, exactly. Stephen Somers. The Somersian Van Helsing. The Old Testament, of course, is IMDb. The New Testament is the movie. There are women who've been on a date where they're like, have been told, oh, well, you know, I believe that like what awaits me is a Van Helsing style post-mortem love. Right.

Kate Beckinsale style. Now hold this lightning rod. This movie, of course, was written and directed by Stephen Sommers. So it's all his fault. There's no one else to blame. What do you think the budget... So this movie came out in 2004. What do you think the budget for this movie was? $45 million. $85 million. $120 million. I like around $80 million. Okay. $160 million.

million. Fuck this person. $160 million. That's so stupid. Can I ask why? Because everything was fake. If a log fell, it was fake. Why did they do that? Why did they spend that much money to make this in 2004?

Because I think how many Mummy movies had been made at that point? At this point, I think the Mummy, the Mummy Returns, Scorpion King. I think they thought they were on the precipice of a new thing. The opening weekend was $51 million. It made $120 million domestically. It did well. And then $300 million worldwide. It came in 16th place of all the movies in 2014. Wait, I'm actually shocked there was not a sequel. I'm shocked.

Yeah. How was there not a sequel? How do you make $300 million and not trigger a sequel? I feel like the actors saw the movie. Whoa.

Bad reviews, but then Guillermo del Toro and Tom Cruise were going to reboot it in 2009. What? And they did not. We're going to reboot Van Helsing? Van Helsing. And then they went to The Mummy. Well, one of them went to The Mummy. Tom Cruise went to The Mummy. The top three films of 2004, Shrek 2. And Guillermo del Toro was attached to make Creature from the Black Lagoon. Yeah, for a while. Which is what turned into Shake of Water.

He was just like, fuck you, Universal. I'm making this shit on my own. I'm going to have this lady fuck this monster. Oh, my God. Fish man's got a dick. You'll do what Van Helsing could never do. I tried to watch that movie seven times. I could watch Van Helsing like seven, like ten times before I watched Shape of Water. Really? I couldn't get through it. I kept trying. I would try to like hold my eyes open and I just couldn't do it.

I drunkenly told Guillermo del Toro that if he had showed that monster's dick, it would have been the best movie of the year. Agreed. How did he respond to that? He did not seem to agree. He's like, I won the Oscar somehow. It's like, you almost had me, man, but then you just did, you shrugged. I gotta see that fish dude's dick!

Almost bold cinema. Someone here put that in IMD trivia. Yeah, exactly. Top three films, Shrek 2, Spider-Man 2, and The Passion of the Christ, number three. Mel Gibson's a brilliant filmmaker. The film beat movies that we've done in this podcast, Catwoman and Sky Captain. Those are the two movies that it beat there. But, wow, there you go, people. All right.

That is Van Helsing. Anything that you guys, we did not talk about that you guys want to talk about? I mean, the windows. The glass shit they walked through? That was stupid. Yeah. What was that? Yeah, they didn't, they weren't affected by gravity or glass. At some point, someone said, well, that's not good. Yeah.

Someone also said, like, that's my job. Like, again, the way that they talk in this movie is not right. They also thought Carl was hilarious. Yeah. I mean, well, I feel like they were like, just something, like, lighten the tone here. I feel like they were like, can you believe Carl got laid? I wrote three different times in my notes, this is terrible. I don't know.

I don't know anything else. The magical syringe kind of like when they're like, it's so much magic in the movie and they're like, and there's a cure for his wolfmanism and it's in just a syringe. And as the most obscene, it was like, you have to get him while the clock is dinging to midnight, but not after midnight. I didn't get that at all. But werewolf...

to fight vampire and then get cured. Right. There was a rule. It made no sense because he knew enough to fight the vampire but he didn't know enough not to kill the woman that he's been fucking trying to save the entire time. But again, it doesn't matter because he kills her and the movie counts that as a victory. Yes. Like,

He kills her and then the director tells the audience, good job. Well, surprise, surprise, surprise. The man that represents the church is like, kills the woman and is like, I did it. But I also saw it as a prequel to Hurricane Heist because those faces went up in the clouds and maybe that's the face that we see in the Hurricane Heist clouds.

Face in the Hurricane Heist? Oh, yes. Get involved. What is Hurricane Heist? There is a fucking face that they look up and it's like, It's not a supernatural movie. No, that was a stylistic choice. I had that same idea for a movie. That's why I haven't watched it. Damn. I'm upset about it. Jason, would you recommend watching this movie? I would not.

People shouldn't watch this movie. It's just bad. It's not fun bad enough to warrant the two and a half hours running time. And it's bad. It's real bad. This movie is bad. In comparison to Shape of Water. Shape of Water is much better than this movie. Like, markedly better than this movie. So, so, so much better.

than this movie. This movie makes Shape... This... Shape of Water is like a real good movie. Yeah. This movie looks like the shit that Shape of Water took in order to look real good and fit into a tux. And again...

And again, we understand that all opinions are subjective. So Ricky, we know where you stand on Shape of Water. I would not recommend Van Helsing. I don't know what happened. It was really long. It wasn't fun or scary. It should have been one of the two, and it wasn't either. The hot people didn't even look good.

Like Hugh Jackman had like a wet pilgrim hat and Nellie Olsen curls, like maybe eyeliner. And then Kate Beckinsale had the weird boob nipple corset. The red shirt thing was weird. Somebody should have been like, you know what, this looks like her nipples. Right. Like one of those things should have worked out and they didn't. And it was long. I agree. Still haven't finished Shape of Water though. You didn't get through this. What do you think? Yeah, I did get through this.

I love monster stuff and I think if you have two and a half hours go volunteer or something. Do some good work.

Seth? Yeah, it's... No, don't watch it. And if you see Stephen Sommers on the street, kick him in the fucking shins or something. And tell him, you wasted $165 million, you fucking dick. Wow. Like, that's so much money. It's crazy. How much of that do you think, as a filmmaker, how much of that was in the hats?

What was the hat for? $40 to $45 million hat. I agree. It was good. Don't hurt Stephen Sommers physically, but emotionally berate him. Like I said, I saw this after watching Hereditary, and it was a real nice palate cleanser for me. So I watched it, and I was like,

That was a jaunty two hours. It felt light to me. It felt nice. Made me not think of some of the images that I had just seen and where I went to as a parent. But now, thinking back on it, I don't have that kind of... I would say if you watch Hereditary, throw this on...

This movie has one role, and that's as a chaser to the film Hereditary, which is a weird reason to spend $165 million to be a chaser for a movie that won't come out for 14 or 15 years. All good filmmakers are before their time. I would love it if somehow we triggered, because of our fans watching this movie, if we triggered some sort of sequel. LAUGHTER

I mean, they've started this dark universe like once or twice and closed it down again. I mean, it's like no one is interested in seeing classic movie monsters. Nobody cares. They just have to be scary. Yeah. Like make it scary and don't... Or fun. Or fun. Or sexy or wonderful.

Or what is this thing? But they always make it kind of like this on some other... Because they're dumb ideas. Like, it's because it's dumb. Right, it's like an idea from the 1940s. Exactly. What are the odds that's going to hold up? It's not the 19... Like, Frankenstein's fucking 300 years old or some shit like that. Fucking Jason and Freddy don't even really hold up anymore. No, crazy. You know what's scary? The internet. Yeah, exactly. That's what's scary. You know what's not scary? A mummy. A mummy. Who gives? Who?

the wolf man. Cut to me getting home tonight and being like, oh great, there's a mummy. If you get killed by a mummy, that would be the iron. You would appreciate it. Even you would be like, alright. It's Stephen Summers just dressed up in toilet paper. This cost me $4,000 in toilet paper.

It's Ben's and Radhika's dream. What are the odds, though? It's like a 3,000-year-old idea. What are the odds that's going to hold up? Like, yeah, movies from 1983 don't hold up. Nothing. Oh, yeah. This shit's from B.C. I will just give a big thanks to Nate Kiley, who does all of our research, Averill Halley, who pulls all these amazing, amazing, great clips. And thank you, everybody. We're going to pose for our picture right now. Here we go.

We all have that friend who wakes up early to go get everyone McDonald's breakfast, but the rest of us sleep in. This is your sign to thank them. And if you're that friend, this is us saying,

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