Matinee Monday: Twilight Breaking Dawn Pt 2 (w/ Doug Benson)
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BAS.com slash bonkers and use the code bonkers at checkout. Vampire stereotypes, ripping heads, and CGI babies. We saw Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2, so you know what that means. Now it's time for

How did this get made? We're gonna have a good time Celebrating failure Not just be a hater Cause you know you won't know How did this get made? Let's follow in the mediocrity Of subpar art Perhaps we'll find the answer To the question How did this get made?

Hello, people of Earth, and welcome to How Did This Get Made, a very special Twilight edition. I am joined, as always, by Jason Manzoukas. What's happening? Unfortunately, June is not here today because she is shooting Burning Love, and she could not get out of that, but you can watch that in January, and it'll be all worth it. But we will have to try and make up for her loss by espousing...

ardent feminist beliefs and believing the best of Bella. I know, and that's the thing that I'm really bummed out about. On the way over here, I was bummed out about it. But we did bring back, as promised, Doug Benson. Welcome, Doug. Hey, everybody. To talk about this movie. And before we start recording... I'm very... What's that? We agreed before we started talking about this movie, if you have not seen it, if you have any intention of seeing it,

stop this right now, hold it on your iPod, see it, and then listen to us talk about it because we are going to spoil it. We're going to spoil everything. Yeah, even if you're going to see it as a joke, even if you're going to go and laugh at it because that's what I kind of went for and...

I was pleasantly surprised that there were plot twists that were actually interesting to me. I would also say, I would also say, go back. I kind of did too. This is again. It's crazy, but fun. This is again, I cried at a movie that we are doing. Oh my gosh. The moment I teared up at. Oh my gosh. Well, tell us when we get to it. I will. I didn't find it tear up-able. There was a moment where I was like,

Wait, what? Oh, God. But I will say you should also go back and listen to our Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1 podcast. Yes. That also featured Doug on it so that you really get the full scope of Twilight Breaking Dawn. We have broken down these four hours. We have broken down Breaking Dawn. Breaking down, breaking down.

So, yeah, let's just start off by basically saying I like that out of every Twilight movie I've seen, which is only, I think, three of them, I like this one the most. It's numero uno. Yeah. And it makes me want to go back and pick up the pieces that I've missed. See? You are wrong. They'll be bad. They'll be bad. But it's still... Do you know?

I do not remember part one in like Bahamas Fuckfest. I do remember. Bahamas? Oh, part one of Breaking God. Part one of, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wherever they were where they were just like, it was just about like hanging out on a vacation. I was playing chess. Come on. Look, there's a lot of moments of slow times. I was happy to see that their love of chess. Vampires love chess apparently because they play chess. This time,

And people are playing chess while other people are sitting around just watching them play chess. Hey, guys, did you notice that the final battle looks like a chessboard? Yes, on white and white. Guys, I didn't even notice that. Vampires love a game of patience. I was too busy going, this is an awesome battle scene. Yeah, the battle scene was amazing. If in the first movie they'd said five movies later there's going to be an awesome battle scene that you'll appreciate even more if you sit through the first four hours. Yes.

I might have been more enthusiastic about the first four movies. Are you kidding? Those movies are terrible. The first half of this movie is literally garbage. Oh, I enjoyed a lot of them. It's really fun garbage. I laughed out loud so much in the second half of this movie. But basically, it's still... I mean, we're jumping into it. So we can say... Let's just go. Yeah, we'll just go. Spoilers. Spoilers. There's a baby. Lots of spoilers.

Okay, this fucking baby. And ripped off heads. This baby in this movie is like a CGI baby. I don't understand why. I thought it was like the E-Trade baby. I think I figured out why. Okay. Okay, because I was flummoxed. I was like, why is the baby CGI? I mean, at every level, even as a, like a,

A newborn. A newborn to toddler to... It finally becomes a real baby when she settles in at about seven years old, right? Okay. What I think they did was they CGI'd... It's finally a real baby when she settles in. Yes, exactly. It's a real actress. They CGI'd her to look like that child actress. So they CGI'd the baby and the toddler baby to look like that little girl. Which is...

bananas. Because I had that thought and I thought, do they have an actual baby on set and they put like a little green bag over a baby's head? I think they did. Because they really had a baby. No, they could have just held, I mean, the whole thing could be fake. No! No, no, no, no, no, no. Did they have real wolves on the set? Because I looked at it. I looked at it. Rob Pattinson is holding a baby. He's clearly

holding the baby. He's clearly got a baby's genitals in his hands. He does. In that scene where he walks in, he introduces the baby to not quite Tom Skerritt, and he says, hey, not quite Tom Skerritt, here is our baby, and he's clearly holding a baby. I was like, that's definitely a baby he's holding, except that the face is CGI, which is creepy. I'll tell you why it's CGI, though. Okay, oh. Because the baby, like, they can't get that kind of acting out of a baby. The baby wasn't doing

anything. The baby wasn't doing anything. Seriously, the baby's very intently staring at whatever person it's dealing with. Okay. And then that weird thing it does, and then she keeps doing it. We should say that we sound... We and the movie sound crazy already. When you're a half...

half vampire, half human baby. Apparently, you totally fucking Benjamin Button and you age really quick. Here's another, just talking about CGI. I watched some stuff online last night. This,

movie was a lot of porn I watched the be real footage of this movie like on the twilight page the be real what is it called be real be real sorry be real isn't be real an act a rapper yeah be real from cypress hill narrating clips from twilight so I watched be real footage of twilight now this movie is it is insane in the membrane yeah it's

This movie is arguably one of the most successful films, makes so much money. The CGI looks so bad. It's garbage. Yeah, it's not good. It's clearly a rush job. I believe they are like, it does not matter. These kids will come. The director is not David Fincher, who is all about making it look amazing. Authenticity and seamlessness. But then I started to realize on the B-roll footage,

that everything is CGI. Like when they're in the house, that's not a real house. It's yeah. The snow is CGI. Every like everything. They just stood around on green screens. Yeah. Everywhere. Everywhere is, is between three and 14 people standing in front of green screen is what this entire movie is. If you look at this B-roll footage, you'll be like, this is the most unimpressive, sad thing. It looks like a community theater production because the costumes look way worse in front of a green screen. Everybody looks worse. Um,

We should start a little bit from the top. Do we need to recap? We don't need to recap. I just want to talk about moments. There's so many little amazing moments in the beginning. Oh my God. First of all, just the fact that they have to stand around saying Renesmee over and over again. That's the kid's name. I could not. I kept trying to make a note of the kid's name and I was like, what are

What are they saying? I'll never be able to say Renesmee, I thought, because it's a hard name to remember. Why was it even named Renesmee? Why was it even named Renesmee? Because... It is an it, because a half-human, half-vampire. Not real. Because there's someone... Because I saw this in the end credits. Okay. Which are...

awesome end credits. Oh my god. It's like the opening titles of a soap opera. It's slow motion shots of each character all the way back to the first movie. People that had two lines. A girl that never had a line was only in the last movie is featured in that part. You see the whole soap. It's like an in memoriam. I was wishing the audience that we saw was in the same theater with Paul but we sat away from each other so we're not like

By the way, two guys going to see this together with no women. Three dudes all sitting by themselves at Twilight Screenings on opening weekend. Super creepy. I had a notepad in front of me too, like a scribbling note. Yeah, yeah, I was scribbling down notes on a piece of paper. I tried to get into the theater and it had already started. And at the Arclight, they were like, well, we don't really let people in. I was like, well, I'm reviewing it for a podcast.

And they said, okay. But I was like, this is hilarious. Like, I am now being like, I am the single man trying to see a noon showing of Twilight Breaking Dawn and have to explain myself. Oh, my God. That one we were at last night, there was no young teenage girls to speak of. No, but there was a lot of like... You sound disappointed. Where were the

teenage girls I was promised there were a lot of women I feel like the Sunday night screening was a lot more of like 30 year old women are you doing the ribbing each other the whole time because there were some good laughs in there I think I got a laugh because I laughed so hard at one point

I laugh so hard at the end. The one thing I want to point out in the beginning is obviously Bella, when we last left her, was turned into a vampire. So now we're seeing her and she looks beautiful and she's right there and she has this power. Super hugs. She can give really strong hugs. Did you get it? I missed strong hugs. Yeah, so she goes to hug Robert Pattinson and it does that whoomp noise they do whenever they move around fast. It does the whoomp noise and then he's like, oh, you're stronger than

me now Bella please let go let go it's such a it's awesome by the way it's like Bella is finally you know in control like it's so bad it's terrible that June isn't here I would love that I love that impression because it's basically Edward as droopy dog oh please don't hug me you're so strong Bella we can't let you hold Renesmee but I do you'll squeeze her to death ha ha ha

I just love that that's how her first moment of power is just power hugs. She, and when she tries to sit in the chair, they're like, why don't you just go sit in the chair? And she like, she speeds over and knocks the chair down. It's like, does everyone in this movie, these people,

But they slowly walk across the snow. By the way. They have to take airplane flights and they have to drive in cars. What are they doing? They could have done so much. If they just ran to Brazil, ran to Alaska, they drive and fly everywhere that they simply don't need to. They can go so quickly. And also my big issue is why are they needing, like Edward is wearing at one point a winter jacket and a turtleneck. Yeah, they always have tons of clothes on. Why do you have to wear all these clothes?

They try to imply that Alice is a real fashionista. Well, I buy it for her at least. Yeah, but they push it on everybody because they're all quite fashionable. Edward is wearing a pea coat and a turtleneck. They always look natty. They are fantastically dressed. I'll be honest. I would take the entire wardrobe from the Alistair character, the guy that stands up in the tree.

Yes, yes. Like the guy who's like, you guys are fucked, basically. Yes. Who then disappears and never comes back. Yeah, Alistair does. I thought he was going to Han Solo that. Nope, no. I thought he was going to like, he leaves, like you guys are fucked, he walks away, and I full-blown expected he was going to arrive Han Solo and save the day. Nope.

Never heard from him again. That's the good thing about this movie. People are disposable. But they don't need a Han Solo. Yeah, they don't. With the plot twist that occurs. Oh, I love this plot twist. We'll get to it. The other thing I wanted to talk about at the beginning, which you may have missed, Jason, too, was literally her... I said literally. I already broke it. Basically, Bella and Edward... Oh, I said literally already like five times. Oh, good. Bella and Edward are hugging, and she's like, oh, you know, you're a vampire. We're vampires. And he goes...

Oh, now you've got to get your thirst under control. And as if on cue, she touches her throat and she's like, oh, yeah, yeah. That reminds me. I am thirsty for blood. It was crazy. I was thirsty for hugs. And now I've quickly transitioned into thirsty for blood. And so she goes running out into the forest, right? Yes. With him in her stead. He comes with her. And now I don't understand why they need to, like...

stalk animals, they're fucking super fast. Just fucking speed over, kill a deer. But they're like hunting like hunters on a Discovery Channel show. They're like creeping around rocks and looking at the deer. It's like, come on, man. Just fucking power through it. I firmly believe that if they...

did everything in this movie as fast as they are capable of doing things, the movie would be 40 minutes long. It would be so over. The movie would be instantaneously over because there is so much just walking. There's so much slow walking across the snowy field. Totally. There is a scene. They just cruise across. It's so slow. There is a scene where she drives to Seattle to meet Bunk from The Wire. To meet Bunk from The Wire. I'm so psyched. There's nothing that happens in this scene. She has to drive to Seattle.

Walk, sit, drive again. They're making a meal out of the littlest things just to pad this movie.

And it's so funny, though, when Bunk, he has that one scene, and then when he shows up in the end titles, it's the weirdest, like, oh, there's one black guy in the entire Twilight series, and yet one scene in the last movie. Don't forget about the two African tribesmen vampires. The tribal girls. Oh, okay. The tribal girls in, like, Amazonian garb. The wardrobe-ing?

It's basically United Colors of Benetton as a Twilight movie. It's like every minority is represented. Every country and culture is represented. In the most stereotypical fashion. Yes, in the most stereotypical garb for whatever country they're from. Like when they are Amazonian princesses show up, they are in crazy fucking native garb. Native American shirt?

loincloth fucking classic style. He does the hand solo at the end. Oh, he does do it, yeah. But he's in the most, he's wearing nothing and he's walking across the snow. Yes, why? What the fuck is happening? Why can't they all just wear nothing? Or shorts and t-shirts. They just love wearing pants and jackets. Oh my God. Talking about pants and jackets and things that are useless. Kellen Lutz? Kellen Lutz.

Who is Kellen Lutz? I know that people talk about him. Who is he playing? He's the big bulky guy. That's him with dark hair? Yes, that's Kellen Lutz. Yeah, there's that commercial. You look so different. There's that commercial where they're trying to outdo each other two guys and they keep getting things for this girl to impress her and the one guy gets her, Kellen Lutz, and then he moves in on it.

And that's the gag at the end of the commercial is Kellen Lutz is going to score with his lady now. And every time I saw that commercial, I was like, oh, he must be like some athlete or something. Nope. He's in the Twilight movies. I had no idea. Yeah. I like Kellen Lutz. He's Emmett. Hi, I'm Emmett. And why does he have to have big feet?

Bella, now that she's a vampire, is super crazy strong and can beat him. Oh, yeah. Can beat Emmett in arm wrestling on a rock, and then she smashes the rock. That's what I was going to ask. Why does he have to have big muscles? Was there something in the beginning that I missed, which is why she is so much instantly stronger than everybody? You know what? Because she's new. She's new. So she still has like

all the height of her power. Is that why she and Edward have like a bone zone? Okay, let's talk about this. Like a sex marathon? They have this sex marathon and she says, you know, they finally are both able to really have sex. Let loose, yeah. It is the most slow-paced like sex scene that you will ever see. Yeah, it's not two people that are capable of tearing each other limb from limb. It's just tender and Cinemax style. They rip each other's shirts but then it is tender love making. He rips her shirt in the,

He rips her shirt in the back. Yeah. Because that's what dudes do. I can't wait to get to that back. Yeah. I can't wait to get my hands on her naked back. I want to see her. I want to rip her clothes open for a part of her body that I cannot see. He couldn't see it, even if there was a mirror in the room. Exactly. Which she couldn't use. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Are there any mirrors in the house?

house? No. Why would there be vampires? The fuck house? Why have couches and beds? Let's even go back a second. They don't have to sleep or sit down. That's what she says. She says, why do we need our bedroom? It's not for sleeping. It's for fucking while our baby's in the other room. Exactly. And basically, they go on, they basically talk about how vampires will fuck for days, even decades. They will just fuck. And then she's like, I knew you were holding back. It's like,

Really? It looked like the slow, it was slow and steady. You know what I thought was really fascinating about, I felt like in order to have their crazy sex scene, they had to, and again, Bella is like 18 years old. Sure. You know, Bella is in this narrative, like an 18 year old person. 19-ish, yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah, she turned 18 in the last movie, so this is now 19. They have to constantly show, like every fifth shot in the sex scene is of them and their wedding rings. It's their hands intertwined with their wedding rings. So they're constantly, while they're showing you sex, they're saying, but it's marriage, it's in marriage.

There's such a weird, you know, like the books are super Mormon and Christian. By the way, did you know that the first public sighting of Mitt Romney was at the Twilight screening this weekend? Really? Yeah, someone caught him. Why would he go see that? Where would they go see that? In LA. He was in LA seeing Twilight. What? It was on TMZ. That would be the best celebrity sighting ever. Mitt Romney at

And no Secret Service anymore. None. Sorry, we don't have to go sit through your shitty taste in movies. That's what he wants to see. He could have seen Argo. He could have seen Skyfall. He's on Twilight. Maybe he heard how wholesome it was. But that's what's amazing to me is that it got the PG-13 obvious. Oh, yeah.

So the sex scene is like there's no nudity. And there's no blood. And you see in talk shows, Kristen Stewart and what's his name? R. Pattinson. R. Pattinson. They complain about, like, you know, we would have gone for it, but it's got to be PG-13, so you've got to position everything just right. They have those kind of talks on TV. They make a hardcore fuck movie, those two. Yeah, but it's amazing that they go to all that trouble to get the PG-13 on that front, but...

But then on the violence front, you can have a gazillion decapitations. You can have this movie. The violence in this movie are amazing. Upwards of 15 people's heads get ripped off. Maybe Mitt Romney heard that part of it. Maybe he heard how violent it was because I was digging how violent it is. I was laughing because I felt so joyous. I haven't seen a movie this violent in forever. It's so callous. It was crazy violent. But they're all monsters. Yes. They're all not people. They were people. Except for when they kill people. Except for when they kill people.

people and you're like these are our like Lee Pace is introduced as like one of the good guys yeah he is introduced while he is killing a human yeah just like he's just killing a dude for whistling a British song exactly he's just like I hated the British invasion ooh

Roar! And then they're like, hey, you gotta come help us with these other bad vampires. And he's like, I will help you, but first let me finish my meal. And then he eats that fucking guy! And he's a good guy! Good guy. Hey, look, he's a vampire. He doesn't have his thirst under control.

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And now, am I to believe that these vampires built them a fuck house? Like, I mean, they built them a house. They have a house that they immediately, as soon as they get the house, that's full of, the closet is full of clothes. Yes. That's for the teenage girls. Shelf's are clothes, born. Oh, yeah. The books, though, the books pay off. The books do pay off. The books pay off. But, I mean, did they build that house? I mean, I don't understand, like,

they built that house we got you a house out here in the woods that looks beautiful and it's right near where everybody else lives and then but now here's the thing that I was most confused about they go there they have their fuck session they come back the next day and they go okay so we're leaving town yeah we gotta get out of town wait why did they build that house then they basically built it for a one night stand yeah just give them one of

one of the rooms in that house you already have get my hotel room but that's one of the crazy things about this movie is they're like okay so we gotta get out of town because we have to tell everybody that Belle is dead and then Jacob is just like alright leaves the house goes to not quite Tom Skerritt and is like hey Belle is still alive blah blah blah there's a daughter blah blah blah wait wait this is the best scene in the whole movie

This is the best scene in the whole movie. It happened so early on. It's so nuts so early. First of all, just so you know, just so you know, this is just, just before we get into it, the last time we saw Taylor Lautner's character, he imprinted with Renesmee, which basically means...

He has to be with her 24-7. He's like a bodyguard. He basically, the baby belongs to him in some weird way. So he is now in this weird three-way. Why aren't all the other wolves in the movie, why don't they have some child that they're near all the time or a person that they're near all the time? They may have imprinted on another wolf. You can imprint and then part-time imprint. I think that he just imprinted with the wrong person. He should have imprinted with a wolf. With an animal. He accidentally imprinted with a baby. But I don't want to distract us from this idea

It's really good. So in order to not have Bella have to leave... Yes. This is such a bitch move that he pulls. Oh, yes. Taylor Lautner... I hate his character. Oh, my God. He's the worst. Taylor Lautner...

rides his he is literally the worst he is a pile of garbage in this movie yeah every step of the way he's always saying something snotty or smirky or bitchy or vampire or also like what are we doing we're sitting around telling battle stories yeah I was like

You've never been in battle, you dumb dildo. Like, what are you talking about? But how great was it when Bella just beat the shit out of him? Oh, yeah, that was good. But I found it kind of wolfed out. But he's like... They treat him like he's the comedic voice of the movie. Yeah. Like, he's got all the funny clips. He's fucking hilarious. And it's just like, shut up! You don't even belong here! Like...

Okay, say this part because I got more later than... So he's like... Because they're going to tell not Tom Skerritt that Bella is dead. Bella's dead. Yeah, they're going to say Bella's dead because Tom Skerritt knew, not Tom Skerritt knew, that she was sick from

breaking down part one. He doesn't understand what, like, she's pregnant. He doesn't know anything about vampires. He doesn't know anything. He doesn't know shit. He doesn't even know that she was pregnant. And Jacob's like, doesn't want her to leave town. Right. So Jacob goes to her, goes to Tom Skerritt and says, listen, Bella's fine, but she had to change.

in order to be fine. And Tom Skerritt's like, I don't know what you mean. And he's like, you don't understand the world you're living in. At which point, Jacob starts to disrobe. I wrote down that exact sentence. You don't understand the world you're living in. Because I lost my mind in the theater when he said that laughing. It was amazing. He's taking it

his clothes off while he's saying it slowly takes off his shirt everyone in the theater goes nuts because you gotta see those abs oh god and he's like and then at first not Tom Skerritt's like whoa hey hey what's happening here man the only assumption is that something gay is happening like the only way not Tom Skerritt can process this series of events is oh Jacob who I've known since a boy since he was a boy is about to try and have sex with me wait a second I have this

I'm gonna say that Jacob did not do a good job of like saying, hey, I'm not gonna rape you now, Tom Skerritt. He kind of was seductive and taking off his clothes. Yeah, he's like, I got something for you, buddy, that you are gonna really like. And then he pulls down his pants and is like... Here's the thing, he turns into a wolf when he's wearing pants all the time. Yes. Why does he have to get completely naked this time? The one time, the rest of the movie, whenever he switches, clothes are gone instantly. And meanwhile...

He pulls the pants down to his ankles. Yes. And it's not a wolf with pants around his ankles when he turns into the wolf. It's a wolf. He's still going to rip those pants. I'm going to say that... I'm going to still say that not Tom Skerritt... At first, he's like, come on. Billy Burke. Yeah, Billy Burke. He's like, come on, man. Come on, man. He'll always be not Tom Skerritt to me. He's like, come on, man. Don't... What are you doing? What are you doing? And then, like...

he stops protesting a little bit and he's like, all right, what do you got? Where's this going? Like he wasn't like, all right, I'm in. Like, wait a second. Like he stopped protesting pretty early on when the pants came down. He's like, all right, well, I'm in for this. And then Jacob turns into a wolf in front of him and he is...

To say not really that impressive. He's scared. He's down on the ground. But then they cut immediately to Jacob back with Bella and Edward going, yeah, I just told him you were different now. Yeah, and he's coming over. That's the explanation. And he'll be here in 10 minutes. She disappeared for a while.

She, you know, may or may not have had a baby. And by the way, what was his plan? His plan was, she's different. She's not like me. I'm a werewolf, but she's different. She's another thing that you don't have to worry yourself about. Yeah. Don't be concerned

all for another waking moment of your goddamn life. About your 18 year old daughter. About your 18 year old daughter who just married a pale weirdo and like vanished for a little while and you thought she might be dead. And when Jacob shows up

He's like, oh no, this is it. He's coming to tell me that he's dead. And then he starts taking his pants off without having told him what's going on with his daughter. But then he turns into a wolf. Yes. Wait, guys. He then... Okay. He's the sheriff, right? The minute Tom Skerritt is like... Not Tom Skerritt is the sheriff. The minute not Tom Skerritt is like, okay, my daughter's okay. Everything should be trumped by the fact that that kid just turned into a wolf. At that point...

Your world is destroyed. What are you talking about? He turns into a wolf. He goes on a fishing trip. The rest of the movie is like, there's something up with all these other people. He's not overly concerned. Because I feel like there's a scene cut out where he turns into a wolf. They have that thing and then Taylor Lautner and him have coffee. He's like...

What the fuck? Later on in the movie when the daughter's rapidly aging, they bring her over to visit and he doesn't even say the typical thing that a grandfather would say like, oh, you're growing so fast or anything. He's just like, well, looks like she aged a few years in a couple of days. He doesn't even comment.

Comment on it. There's got to be missing scenes. There has to be. No, you know what it is? It's all covered. I think it's all covered by her saying, Bella's saying, there are things you don't know. You don't need to know. I'll tell you what you need to know. Yeah. So he kind of has a couple of lines where he goes- He's on a need to know with his daughter. Where he goes, I guess I don't need to know about this. About why the girl's eyes look like Bella's eyes. And why it's a crazy special effects baby. I feel like Billy Bush should just turn to the camera and just go-

He kind of does. Oh, Billy Burke. I would like it if it was Billy Bush. Oh, by the way, I do want to say that I think he's just a bad father in general. Oh, boy. Because at one point. Taking him to task. They take him to task because they go, your father's worried about you. He's been calling twice a day. Yeah. If your daughter was missing for arguably like over two weeks and you're the sheriff of the town, just two phone calls. Just drive over. How about Billy?

drive there. No, I'm going to give him a call in the morning and call it and I just check in. It is, I find the, I find it so strange. He's the sheriff of the town and his daughter's missing. He just makes a couple of calls. Just not even a couple. Just two a day. I find it so strange to me that he so easily allows for her to not just be taken away from him. She's 18. Like she is legitimately unarmed.

subsumed into this family and he is cut out. Like the lessons of this movie are so bizarre and anti-family while being so pro-family about like the Cullens and the vampire family. But it is about the destruction of the nuclear family essentially. It's crazy how much Bella's mother and father are marginalized so she can be robbed of her human soul and turned into an immortal monster. Yeah.

By the people that were supposed to be like, that's a real family. By the way, she doesn't have any care to tell her mom that she's changed either. I know her mom's in a different spot. Wait, was her mom in this movie at all? No. Okay. Wow. She doesn't even mention it. She's in the end credits. Oh, yeah. She's in the end credits. Well, that's why I asked. I was like, was there a scene early on with the mom? No, no. No, no. Not Tom Skerritt's, you know, he's shacked up with the Native American lady. Who's not a wolf? Is she a wolf or not a wolf? I don't know. I can't remember. Is not Tom Skerritt with not a wolf? I think.

Women are not wolves in this world, right? I can't believe NotTomScarrett's girlfriend didn't tell him about the wolf thing. Well, no, but I don't think that she knows. But she'd at least know that there's wolves in the neighborhood. She must know that her other tribesmen are wolves. Maybe she just explained it to him, like, he's a wolf. Don't worry about what Belle is. She looks fine. He's probably a vampire. She gives nice, strong hugs now. He's never, by the way, NotTomScarrett is never told she's a vampire. No.

Never. No, she's just something different. And also, they do a terrible job of storytelling in this movie. Because Bally at one point is like, if he knows, then the Voltari will come for him. And I was like, ooh, I bet that's going to happen. Nope. Nope. Nope. Voltari never come for Charlie. Well, you know why? Because they sent him on a five-day fishing trip. They can't come for him. Oh, right. They can't figure it out. They can't figure out that he's on this five-day fishing trip. Hey, get out of town when all the vampires come here to go crazy.

All right. So this movie, we're making it sound even crazier because we're jumping around so much. No, it is this crazy. It is. In fact, it is this crazy. But we're switching the order around. That's fine. I don't mind. Can we talk about Game of Thrones, the Game of Thrones baby? That whole sequence where- Oh my God. Yes. So Bella has this baby and the Voltari think that the baby- Okay, the Voltari are the bad guys. They're a machine. And it's called Voltari. Oh, Voltari. Sorry. Sorry.

Voltroni, B-rolls. B-rolls. They think that this baby is immortal. An immortal child. Yeah. They just assume that he turned Bella first and then had the child. Even though this guy, Arrow, can sit around and know everything that's happening with everybody's mind all over the world, he still has these misconceptions. By the way, which can be cleared up

with a phone call or a hand touch or anything. I heard you guys, do you guys have an immortal child over there? Nope, we don't. Okay, great. I was going to kind of round up all the vampires and come and tell you. Okay, we'll do that. Okay, but the explanation of an immortal child is just a toddler that has turned into a vampire and because the toddler has no... Which...

It's just a toddler. It's just hungry for blood. They are just killing machines. Which basically blows out of the water the whole Kristen Dunst interview with a vampire thing. She was so young and lovely and she was a vampire, but they're saying the kids can't handle it. She won an Academy Award for that. No, she didn't. Didn't she? No. She might have been nominated. I think she was nominated for an Academy Award for that role. Because they never say, you never see Academy Award winner Kristen Dunst. That's true.

But then when this happens with a child... Did you see it for Anna Paquin, though? She won. Yeah, if you saw her in a movie, like when Fly Away Home came out, they probably said Academy Award winner. When Fly...

They take it away from you after you turn 20. If you get it when you're a kid, it doesn't count anymore. Yeah, it reboots. Yeah, you kind of fell into it. Sorry, Doug. Go ahead. That's okay. I don't know what I was talking about. We were talking about the Game of Thrones, the baby. Oh, yeah. So when a baby is terrorizing its village, which that's a crazy awesome concept to me. I love that. That the baby could terrorize the village. Then they have to destroy vampire babies. One of the only blood...

scenes, one of the only scenes that has blood in this movie, is actually really effective, which is like a shot that cranes down on just fire and like bodies in this medieval village. It's a game where it's all the bodies this baby has killed. And then a baby, like a two-year-old comes into frame, like a little blonde boy with big eyes and blood around his mouth. Blood all over his mouth. And I was like, ooh, that's great. Yeah, and then they kill his mother. Yep. And then they kill him. They set him on fire. But also, he's killed. By the way, we found out

He's killed all these people, but during the whole scene where they're arguing about what to do with him, he's just being held by somebody in their arms. By Dakota Fanning. By Dakota Fanning. And he's just sitting there, not doing anything. They're talking about killing him. Because he's not aware. He doesn't get it. He's a baby. That's the whole problem with the baby. Oh, he's probably full. Yeah, he's full. He's probably full at that moment. He's not going to attack the vampires. He's not going to feed on vampires.

Oh, that's true. You'd think he'd still be physically out of control and not easy to just stand around and hold while debating his future. When Bella smelt that hiker who was hiking up the mountain, which you did not see, Jason, she went from going to attack a deer to running across the woods, running up a mountain and almost killing this hiker. And then she decides, all right, I'm going to kill him.

Yeah, so later in the movie when that chasm is suddenly created and the wolves and the vampires are falling into it, they've set up that these are characters that can leap and climb and fly. And yet, oh no, we're falling into a hole. We're falling into this chasm. We can't get out of this. I mean, when the rocks fell down on top, that was like, okay, that could kill them. That's why, I mean, Jacob at least was able to claw onto the side a little bit.

I also didn't understand why all... Like, in previous movies, it's, you know, everybody's a vampire or everybody's a werewolf, and then Ashley Green... What's her name? Alice? Alice. Alice has, like...

They all have to have an extra power. But now in this movie... Being immortal and fast and strong... In this movie, they are all superheroes. They all have... There's like a girl who has electricity out of her hands. There's a guy that has black fog. It's like Stephanie Meyer saw X-Men. Yes, that's exactly what it is. Right before writing this last part. It is totally pale X-Men. That's exactly what it is. I could not... I was like, why do they all have superpowers now? Oh, well, I mean, in some of the superpowers...

I almost want to jump to the end because we're talking about superpowers. Bella's superpower at the very, very end is scrapbooking. Yeah. Like, essentially, she can touch your hand and do a little scrapbook. Mental scrapbook or mental montage. Yeah. Yeah, which I love that that's her power, a mental scrapbook.

And he goes, how did you do that? And she goes, practice. Yeah. What? I just took clips from each of the films. She's like, it's mostly Final Cut Pro. But I'm glad to know that in the scene with the baby, the toddler, I'm glad to know that you can tear the head off of a toddler and set him on fire and still get a PG-13. Right? Nice work, Motion Picture Association. By the way, a baby?

head is ripped off of the baby this movie is PG-13 there is and they throw him onto the pile of bodies of people that he killed there is a there is a shot where Bella is clearly orgasming in this movie yes where she is orgasming and then not 10 minutes later a baby's head is ripped off of its body and

PG-13. Yeah, I have a problem with the second part much more than the first part. The decapitation, and I don't know if that was set up in the other movies, but holy shit, they go to that well a million times. So much so that at one point when they're having one of their final fights, I won't talk about it too much, but it's like they really tend to pull that head off like, this is a tough one. Exactly. This is a tough head to get off. Some heads are easier than others to get off. Some just pop right off, but some you really have to work at.

There was literally, like, Bella's on one guy's head and Jacob's, like, kicking him in the stomach. Like, let's get this head loose. Let's get it loose. It is. There are so many. And there's also, it's not just decapitations. They rip, two guys rip the arms off. Arms get ripped off, yeah. One person rips the head off.

and then they light you on fire. I also don't remember from past movies that just lighting a vampire on fire kills them. Well, I think that they need to... I think you have to remove the head and light it on fire. Oh, okay. I think you have to do both. I would like to see someone... Please, if you're out there and you're had this Get Made fan, take Protect Your Neck, the Wu-Tang song, and then mash it up with the vampires.

getting their heads ripped off. That's pretty good. That's why I understand it now. But when you think, oh, I've seen nine decapitations, is this next one, is there going to be another one? Yeah. Then that one girl grabs the dude by inside his mouth and just tears off the top part of his face. Yeah.

It was great. It's so violent. There is. It's so violent. But that guy's a monster, so you can do that to him. So basically... That's why zombie movies... That's why zombies can be so violent. Well, that's true. Just so... Just if you want to check in on plot. So basically...

Basically, they have this immortal baby. The bad guys are coming from them. And Bella and Edward are basically... Because they want to kill the baby. Exactly. And the bad guys are going to come. It's been determined by, I don't know why, when the snow is sticky is when they say they're going to come. And why would that be when they come? Everybody seems to know exactly what day that is. Well, because Pattinson and Arrow, the good guy and the bad guy, are both sort of...

you know, mentalists. So they both kind of know what the other person's move is going to be. Again, another chess reference. But is that true? Is our Pats like, what is his power? He says at one point, he says, you know, they're going to probably try to take me out first. Or he says something about how they're going to know that I'm going to know what they're going to do. Oh, okay. So they're going to have to take me out first. But here's the big issue that I have. Michael Shannon, super powerful, super,

Sheen. Sheen. Michael, he's super powerful. I would have loved it if it was Michael Shannon. He would be great. Can't wait for him. Sheen's pretty good. Michael Sheen, rather, is great in this. He's better than most Bond villains in this. He's really good, and he has, like, it's the perfect mix of, like, Darth Vader. You know, there's a total Darth Vader element, and then, like, but, like, that beat where they bring the daughter to him, and he giggles. Yeah. He he he he.

I can hear her strange heart beating. I was like, ooh, that's creepy. I felt like he was like, I'm going to just do this, and no one told me to do that, and they kept it. I was so psyched. I thought that was a great moment. And then also when he was doing fast running, I liked that, too. I like a fast, whatever. I thought he could have been a fast runner, a better fast runner in Midnight in Paris.

I would have liked it. I liked when the one guy said, you know, vampires, the werewolf said, vampires are, no, werewolves are our mortal enemy. And then Michael Sheen, Arrow, looks at him and kind of does like the, you know, thing with his finger and his thumb where it's just like, eh, just a little less of that. Take it down a notch. But it's almost like he's saying, this isn't Underworld. Yeah.

This is the Twilight movies. This isn't Rise of the Lycans. Those movies, they can't stop and talk to each other about their problems, but here we're going to settle it with words. This is also a very bad werewolf vampire franchise, but it's not Underworld. Guys, relax. We got it under control. We're going to take a quick commercial break. We'll be right back.

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All right, so... What was that commercial for, Mountain Dew? Yes. Oh, Mountain Dew. I hope it was for Mountain Dew. I was going to say with Michael Shannon, why didn't he just... Oh, Sheen. Sorry. Michael Sheen. Why didn't he just come right away? The minute he found out about it, he could just run across the country and just...

No, we'll do it when the snow is sticky. Because he had to give them time to go all over the world and assemble the United Colors of Benetton witnesses slash warriors. By the way, some of these people are like Hunger Game rejects, too. I felt like they were like, oh yeah, we gotta have kids who look like Jennifer Lawrence from the Hunger Games. Get them in there. Yeah, we gotta have two, and it's like two people from every country. Two people from every color, except for Asians.

No Asian. No Asian vampire. Except for that one guy that killed him quick. Get rid of that Asian guy because we don't want Asians in our collective of warriors. Oh my God. And the Russian dudes blew my mind. I was like, who are these guys? Those guys, I wrote down at one point, Vladimir and Stefan, exclamation point. Because I was so excited about them. I love them. And even at the end of the movie when it's a happy ending, they're just kind of like, no, no, you guys, we still got to fucking fight these people someday. And then they just run.

and they just run off into the woods. But they also say, we've got to fight these people. And their voices are insane. Yeah, it's very funny every time they talk. They are my favorite characters. They are sketch characters. I felt like those characters were being played by Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig. They might as well have been SNL characters. I want to talk about the bunk...

When basically... Bunk from the wire shows up. When Bunk goes to... He's getting her passport so they can leave the country. Again, don't really understand why they need those. Yeah, yeah, just fly out of the country, you crazy flying vampire. I don't understand why a baby needs a passport either. I don't know if that's a real thing. Yeah, no, babies need a passport. There was a great thing. Did you see that Jacob's fake name? No. Was Jacob Wolf? No! Yes! No!

No way. On his new passport? Yeah, his new thing was Jacob Wolf. I feel like that was a prop master just going, yeah, Jacob Wolf. What are you talking about? That is crazy. Jacob Wolf was my favorite. I was so excited to see that. Jacob Wolf. And Renesmee crazy. Hybrid baby. Crazy CGI baby.

She's CGI for... I mean, I know we talked about it, but she... An hour plus is a CGI child. And even when she's playing the piano, it's like, when are they going to just... Oh, yeah. Why didn't they just... All right. I mean, the movie is...

Peter Fascinelli, what's his name? Yeah, Peter Fascinelli. Peter Fascinelli, whatever his name is. He's the head of the Cullen clan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carlisle Cullen, who's like the dad of the Cullen clan. He looks terrible. No, yeah, this blonde is- His hair is insane. Why did these vampires- Why did they make him blonde? Every vampire decides to bleach their hair. He is a handsome man. Even in the Game of Thrones style era, they all bleach blonde. Yeah, the girls are all blonde. I don't understand. He is a handsome man. He looks bad. Why does he need to have fake blonde hair? Maybe he'd be too much handsome. I don't know.

I couldn't figure that out. Because that's the thing. I remember I read Twilight Book One. Yeah. And that was the thing about the Cullens is that they were so beautiful. They were all like so beautiful. Yeah, I think they were going for like on him like kind of like, you know, Flash Gordon kind of look. It doesn't look good on his skin. It looks terrible. Well, his skin is pale too. That's the thing. Pale skin and blonde hair. They give them fake blonde hair and fake pale skin and they look like

Like, they look pasty and terrible. I like what they said about the little girl that she, you know, they're speculating that she can't be immortal because she has blood and she has flushed rosy cheeks. And then the one vampire screams, Artifice! I've never heard the word artifice spoken in anger before.

It was awesome. When Alice and that guy that she hangs out with, when they show up... Julian. When they show up at the final battle, and by final battle, we should say that it happens halfway through the movie and is the rest of the movie, except for the montage at the end. Which is great. And it's really cool. It's a really solid battle. And that's the thing. So basically what happens is, just to get there, the Voltaris are coming. They're going to kill Renesmee.

The Cullens assemble warriors from- Eighteen people. Yeah, eighteen vampires. A ragtag gang. A ragtag gang from all over the world. The John Varvatos vampire is my favorite. That's a New Orleans vampire. Who's that guy? Lee Pace? Lee Pace. Oh, Lee Pace is great. My favorite. I loved Alistair, what's his name, who's scruffy and has great clothes. Yes. It's so weird. They suddenly have all these great characters in the fifth movie.

Yes. Oh, yeah. Why wait? And why that last movie? Why was it so intimate and boring? They could have gotten to some of this shit in that movie. This is that movie. By the way, this is the end of that movie. Yeah. Remember, this is... I know, it's a two-parter. That's the thing. It could have just made that movie a half an hour. That could have been so short. The first half hour of this movie could have been the whole first... Oh, we didn't need... Any of that. So the last movie was...

so fucking stupid because it was stalling for this. Yeah. Harry Potter, it worked here, it did not. So it becomes a, oh my God, I loved, okay, let's not get into that. Um,

So, oh my God, but that's the one point I wanted to make was that Michael Sheen's left-hand man is totally Draco Malfoy. Oh, yes. Like every bad guy needs a henchman who is like bleached blonde and like- He's the one that yells artifice. Yeah, he's the one that yells artifice. Yeah. Anyway, so the whole movie is the lead up to this battle where the Cullens have their 18 vampires and all of the werewolves. Yes. And they're going to fight on this chess board, on this-

Expanse of snow. They're going to fight the Voltaris who have come. And for the first 10 minutes, it is just talking. It's a lot of talking. And there's a lot of like, hey, look, you think that she's this. Let's communicate. There's a lot of like, this stuff should have been settled over the phone. Yeah.

And there's a lot of wordless communication. There's a lot of communicating done between people by just touching each other. Yes. Oh, by the way, that's what I wanted to say about the girl. The girl, Renesmee, Nessie or whatever her name is, she... Oh, you gave my daughter a nickname!

No, no, no. It's worse. It's worse. You gave my daughter a nickname for the Loch Ness Monster? Oh, yeah. That's what she immediately says the first time he says Nessa. Like, that's what you jump to when you gave her the fucked up Renesmee name to begin with. Nessie is a little bit nicer. I like Nessie.

But you named him after the Loch Ness Monster. She screams at him. You know what's weird is that the Cullen's mother is named Esme. Yeah, so that's why it's in there, I think. So it's... Is this another Nesme? I don't know if there's another character named Renee. Is that like Renesme? Like, is it... Reed?

Esme again. Re-Nesme. I was trying to figure that out. I was like, this is confounding. I think it's just they named it sort of after her. Well, they keep on saying with Nesme, they're like, this is how she communicates by touching someone in the face and they see the images in her head. What they see is they all go, she always proves she's not an immortal. Yes. So like, what is she showing them that proves she's not an immortal? What else?

going to say is what is she doing when she touches your face? And also, why don't we ever...

And why does she ever say talk to the hand? When Alice has a vision, we go in and we see Alice's vision. She don't see what Renes made. Only once. We did when. When she touched Bella's face for the first time. Oh, I missed that. Oh, and she sees the first memory of Bella giving birth to her. But meanwhile, they go, this is how she communicates. Oh, that must be what she shows. Well, no, that still doesn't prove whether she's immortal or not. No, yeah. Well, to me, I feel like she also can speak.

She talks a lot throughout the movie. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's not the way she communicates. She's a real fucking chatterbox. Yeah. She's just showing people stuff. All right. So they get the one other- Like Zafrina takes Edward to Pandora at one point. Oh, that was amazing. Oh, my God. The Avatar world. But I love that the Volturi, they come out in March, and all I want to talk about is that they are in such a long line.

I just wonder how long they were in that line. Like, okay, so we're going to get to this field, guys. We need to look impressive. So really spread out. Really? Like, they did not come in a tight group. They are so spread out. I would say they're like three city blocks long. It looks like there's four times as many of them when they're approaching and when they're talking. But then when the fighting starts, it's kind of a

one-on-one battle. It's not too hard. There's never two people ganging up on one person for the most part. Except for the good guys. The good guys are better at teaming up and making shit happen. Because like Kristen Stewart develops this shield power where she's like, so she's individually shielding people instead of, she's the strongest person there. She should be fighting instead of standing there staring at someone else trying to keep them. Intently staring at them so that she can protect them from, it's so stupid. Learn to do them both at the same time. By the way, here's the other thing.

thing is like they set up all of these characters having superpowers that are pretty interesting which never get used no like black smoke guy never uses black smoke in the fight he starts to use the black smoke and Michael Sheen's like no no no not now

Yeah. And I don't even really know what that black smoke does to people anyway. Electricity girl never zaps somebody. It blinds them and disorients them. They're blinded and they can't move or something. And like, they introduce all of these people with great... I like Dakota Fanning or Elle Fanning. Yes, I liked that. Oh, which one was it? I think it was Dakota. It was Dakota. She's like, pain. Yeah, and that person experiences pain. Yeah, I liked that too. But I really... I thought she said Bane. Bane. And then Robert Pattinson falls down. You want me to be...

Gotham will fall. You must fight the vampire. Oh, I was going to say, when Allison, what's his name, show up to that battle scene, when they're all standing around, when they show up, it takes them like 30 seconds to walk across the snow. We watched them walk so far. Why are they that same character in a scene in the beginning of the movie? He goes,

The movie goes, vroom, to get to her from across the living room. But when they're that far away, let's walk in. Let's keep it dramatic. This is like the Academy Awards. We're coming out to make a presentation. Let's make a real entrance. By the way, this is where I got really fed up with the movie because I was like, are you kidding me? I feel like every movie I see, it's like, there's going to be a battle. There's going to be a battle. And there's no battle. And I was like, is this what's going to happen? There's not going to be a battle. They walk across the thing. They convince...

They convince the main bad guy. They go, hey, guess what? You were wrong. And he's like, okay, yeah, I was wrong. And then...

Watch out the battle that you've been waiting for Explodes and it all it starts with one of the best and it's better than any of the like because in the previous Twilight movies when things start to seem to get action yeah They were always just like wolves running around and jump early shot and yeah, and nobody nobody's actually getting killed No, and in this movie suddenly all of these characters are getting their heads torn off the first moment is you know Michael Sheen and

and Peter Fassanelli running at each other. They jump in the air and then fucking Michael Sheen just rips his head off midstream. Yeah. Oh no, Michael Sheen. They start by walking slowly at each other though. And then they suddenly both decide to speed up. Yeah, Michael Sheen lands. Yeah. Raises up and he's holding Peter Fassanelli's head. And you're like, oh!

That was when I was like, oh, shit. So now we're into some heavy spoilers here now. So now let's spoil it up. He's the first one to go. Yep. And it's probably because he looks so weird with that blonde hair. Yes. And his wife is distraught. Yes. Well, everyone's distraught because their leader has just been killed. So now it's like, all right. The gloves are off. But what we should say before that happens. Yes. Because we're just going to give everything away, right? Yeah, yeah. We're going to give it away. Nothing. Before that happens, Alice does the long walk up with the other guy, with Schmengi. Yeah. And then they get there. Julian.

And then she says she's got the ability to, like, she can see the future and show people the future by holding their hand. Well, that's Michael Sheen's power to hold hands and see what's in their brain. To see what the future is in their brain. See what's in her mind. In her mind, it happens to be the future. Yes, yes. So she goes up to him and she's like, let me prove to you that we do not need to fight today, that everything's going to be cool. Yeah.

that this girl is not going to grow up and be a problem. And then she takes his hand, and then they continue to talk for a little bit, and then she steps away from him.

And she turns and looks at everybody and says, now, like she's like, you know, decided that this will be a great moment to just everybody suddenly pounce. Well, she says to him, it doesn't care what you see. You're not going to change your mind.

Oh yeah, you're not going to change your mind anyway. Which is a badass move. Then she turns around and says now. She kind of whisper mouth now, even though they're all standing really far away. The other thing is people whisper to each other from hundreds of yards away. They even have conversations way across that field. So far from each other. Anyway, so then she does that. She says now. And then she totally badass...

kicks Michael Sheen in the face. Oh, yes. And he goes, I thought this was awesome. It's really cool. It's really cool. And it sets off this amazing battle sequence where pretty much every, almost all the major characters, except for Bella and Edward and Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, the wolf, by the way, as soon as they start the fight or they're about to, uh,

off with Renesmee on his back. So he runs off. Because that's the plan. I don't understand when the big battle sequence, like when wolves are dying and stuff, I'm like, I don't know who that is. I have no connection. Yeah, yeah. I don't know which one that's supposed to be. I think he just sort of recruited a bunch of

kids that we don't know for the most part. But there was also Leah and Seth and like his friend wolves were there. I was even laughing because thinking about how, what's his name, the actor that plays Jacob, Taylor Lautner. Who by the way has gotten better. About, sure, but he's, the character's annoying. It's not necessarily his fault, but he's always smiling and those super white teeth and it's just like, what the fuck are you doing here? And, uh,

An Abercrombie model. Like when he shows up and hangs out with Renesmee at the dad's house, Charlie's not like, why? We don't need the fucking...

Wolfman hanging around. No, this is the bane of their existence. The pain of their existence. Bella and Edward are in love. They have a child and they ought to be followed by this fucking dummy. Yeah, yeah. Edward's always just kind of shaking his head like, oh, Jacob. The presumption is that when Renesmee is of age, she will be his? Well, is that the thing? Because I mean, at the end, that seems to be what's happening at the end. Because he says to Jacob, he goes, can I call you dad? Yeah. And he's like, no. But,

Basically, and then Alice's premonition is that Renesmee is all grown up and she and Jacob and Bella and Edward are a foursome. Yeah. Like are a quartet. And I was like, yeah, Jacob is blasting this little girl. And by the way, Jacob doesn't age.

Like, Jacob in that flash forward is not older, so does Wolves not age? I don't know. Well, it's not that long of a flash forward. She grew up to as big as she's going to be within a couple years. Yeah, yeah. Except by age seven. Like, in the end credits, it says seven-year-old Renesmee, and it's played by some... And that's some girl. They didn't go crazy with the CGI on that adult girl. No, no, that's an adult girl. But she did look like the... Creepily like an older version of her. Wait, that wasn't a CGI...

I thought that was a CGI head. I don't think so. Some actress gets credit. Oh, okay. I thought it was a CGI head. But it could be some actress who was just standing there and they put a CGI face on her. But yeah, so anyway, it's a very impressive fight scene. Almost nothing really to make fun of in the fight itself. It's really well done. I mean, head rips galore. I mean, you think you're going to get tired of it. You don't get tired of it. There's a chasm between...

people are falling into the chasm. I loved, and it perfectly, and it is, I mean, it really is a chess scene because the pawns go first. You know, like, I mean, obviously a big sacrifice with Carla Cullen, but then the people that start getting killed are like pawns, are like lesser people. There's a point where Michael Sheen's just standing with his main henchman just watching everything happen. Yeah. Like, not even participating. Exactly. Like, why wouldn't,

Edward or Bella run at that guy let's kill that guy first that was kind of the issue it just seemed like come on guys I liked it I liked that you had lots of little battles with not that interesting people that were still cool and then like real people started getting killed and I was like

Dakota Fanning gets it pretty bad. Dakota Fanning gets it pretty bad. Dakota Fanning, I think, is my favorite character. She just is so fucking evil in this movie. Oh, totally. She says like two words, too. And I like Dakota Fanning. I thought she was good. It's weird this movie series came into its own now. Yeah. It's a little late. In the last 30 minutes, it's like, yes. I loved the guy. Because you also think these guys have been alive for thousands and thousands of years. Yeah. I loved the one guy that they come and they kill the one guy who's like...

the older vampire and he goes he says something like at last like he wants to die he wants to die so bad and he just can't be killed so they kill him and he just says at last and then die I was like that's great he wanted to die because he had a real Michael Bolton thing going on and people teased him all the time what happened to those other the vampires we like the weird at

ethnic ones, where they're like, they just kind of went catatonic in their castle for a long time. Is that what they said? Who? The two, you know, the frickin' frack of the vampires. What were their names? Vladimir and Stefan? Yeah, Vladimir and Stefan. Those two are like...

we just hung out in our castles in a catatonic state until they burnt our castles down like that. Oh, I don't remember. Yeah, yeah. And they said, they sat very still. And they said, they probably did us a favor. Yeah, they were prisoners in their castles and then their castles were set on fire. And they're like, they probably did us a favor because that's what motivated us to come now and try to kill them. Yeah, yeah.

They go, we're going to return the favor. And it's like, well, that's not returning. It wasn't a favor. And why would you return it? So stupid. They should have said something about paying it forward. The fight scene is amazing. And I'm laughing. I'm psyched. Everything is going great. It's like the beach at Normandy in the beginning of Saving Private Ryan. It is fucking intense. I love it. It's really entertaining. And then, and then, and then.

And then guess what? Guess what, dummies? It's so great and such a burn at the same time. I was elated and fucking angry. I was furious. Simultaneously. But it was pretty cool the way it tricked you. At the point where literally...

Everybody is dead. And Michael Sheen is killed. They rip off his head. They burn him alive. Bella and Edward kill him. The last shot of the battle is a close-up of his face seeing in his eyes we can see the torch coming to burn his decapitated head. It's great. Because it's like a chicken probably. You're probably alive for a few seconds after you get your head torn off. And then it pulls out really quick and we are revealed to be Go ahead. That it is all

just in that moment where they held hands. Where was her name? Alice. Alice and Michael Sheen were holding hands. She's still holding his hand. She showed him what would have happened if he decided to have the fight. The entire battle is her premonition of what would happen. Exactly. It didn't really happen.

And everyone's alive. Who shot JR? She's got an amazing premonition to show the guy every different possible angle of the fight and every person that got killed. Like, why not just show him, oh, you're going to get your head ripped off if you do this right now. I will say that as much as it is like a crazy twist, that I kind of liked it in the sense it's like, it's what you want. It's like, you get to see everyone in the movie get killed and everybody. I was pretty happy that they were all getting killed. Yeah.

I was like, this is some heavy fucking shit. I was blown away. I was kind of bummed that they're now, oh, now they're not really dead. Exactly. Except for the one girl that they killed before the fighting began. Maggie Grace. Maggie Grace. Maggie Grace. Is she ever going to be in anything where she isn't killed or kidnapped? Maggie Grace cannot catch a break. Maggie Grace fucked up. She fucked up because she just saw something on a cliff and she deserved the death. Wait, did she jump in the ocean? Yeah.

And she swam back. Yeah, why? Why did she jump in the ocean? She can also fly away. To me, though, this is the most flawed thing about the movie. She's wearing great clothes. Why not just run home? The most flawed thing about this movie is simply that Maggie Grace sees Renesmee catch a piece of snow, a snowflake. Yeah, she flies up into the air and gets a snowflake. Exactly. And she makes the assumption without any knowledge whatsoever that...

this is an immortal child or a bad kid and then runs back tells Michael Sheen Michael Sheen's like okay let's go kill him she doesn't even tell him she just shows up and he like touches her hand and goes okay we gotta go take care of this now meanwhile all of this could have been averted if she just hung around and said hey is that an immortal kid if anybody in this movie would just have a conversation they even yelled to her they're like Irene

Yeah, the come on. Let us explain. Oh, who is that? Oh, I got to jump in the water. I think it's our cousin Irina. Yeah, they have this super eyesight, but they're standing there going, who could that be? By the way, I mean, being a vampire, you get to experience it firsthand when Bella's first turn in the beginning. You missed this, Jason. It just seems kind of annoying. Everything just zooms in like really intense. Like you look at a bed and it's like, boom, boom, boom. And you see like the threat count. You look at the floor and boom, boom, boom. You see like every like...

It's like, I don't want that. That seems a little bit too much. Yeah, and that's how she could find when the clue was in the book. That's how she found that particular book so fast. I was like, there's books everywhere in this house. How is she going to find that book? I couldn't believe how many books there were. At first, I was thinking, why would they need so many books? And I thought, oh, they are immortal, so that's probably a good hobby to read everything. We didn't really get into the book, but the book is whatever. Oh, who cares? Yeah, Alice leaves a clue and a book. Who cares? It's not important. It's kind of a cute little... But it's...

All a flash forward. Everyone leaves alive, and everyone goes off to have a very happy life. I wanted to tell the listeners that, because if anyone's thinking, because we're talking about how great the battle sequence is, if anyone started thinking, oh, wow, they...

They really did it. I'm going to go see a good Twilight movie. No, you're going to still see the same crazy stuff for the most part that you've avoided through the last four. Yeah. And this one, you may be just livid when you find out that all these characters didn't actually die. I loved that they were dying. I loved it too. I was like, this is badass. They are killing it. Really?

fucking killing all these people. But don't you like, I felt like I left the theater more psyched. When I went home, I was like, yeah, that was good. And how long do you think they pull off that in the last book? Oh, I can only imagine. Can you do, it's page after page after page of all these people getting killed in this amazing battle and then, and turns out she was still holding it.

with Arrow. I feel like that would be, in a book form, it would be more of a fuck you because I feel like there's more time. Oh my God, yes. Whereas this, because I mean, I felt it when Peter Fastenality got his head ripped off, I was like, oh no, not him. Oh yeah. Wait, when did you cry? Oh, yeah. I cried in the battle sequence when who somebody died or somebody was watching somebody die and

And I got, like, choked up for a second. I can't remember what it was. Oh, Alice was watching. Alice watches Julian die. Yeah. Right? But no, then she's trying to go after... Oh, fuck, what was it? It was when people were falling into the crevice that ethnic guy creates when he punches the earth. The guy that can work with the elements. Control the elements. And people were falling into that thing, and I got, like, choked up when...

Who fell in? And somebody was watching. Somebody was watching somebody they love. When the wolf was falling backwards and was going, oh. I did. It was like, oh. That was sad. I got sad. It would make it 10 times better if we knew who that wolf was. I don't know. Which wolf was it? I don't know who the wolf was. But that is when I got emotional was during that sequence of the fight. Yeah. When people were falling into the thing and people were watching the people they loved die.

It was her watching Julian die and then somebody else watching someone else they loved die. I was like, whoa, I got bummed. I did like that. I guess...

I guess, yeah, look, life, real fragile, real fragile. Super fragile. I did like that. So it's fragile, guys. So it's fragile. And when I alluded to it earlier, it was Michael Sheen's head that was really hard to rip off. I mean, they really struggled with that head. That was a real wrench. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to get this thing. Is it righty-tighty, lefty-loosey? I don't know.

For people that are thinking, that still haven't seen it, listen to all of this and are still thinking about going, just to let you know how easy it'll go down. The opening titles are three minutes long and the ending titles are 15 minutes long. Yes, it's a big... If you get up and leave as soon as the end titles start, although you'll miss a funny thing, they go back and show Anna Kendrick from... Oh, yeah. And she's telling the guy staying next to her he's got something on his lip. Yeah. It doesn't fit. It's such a comedic... I was like, what?

What is that? A little grace note in the middle of this very serious in-memoriam montage. Telenovela. Yeah. So the total credits on the movie, 18 minutes of the movie is devoted to credits. Wow. And the movie is less than two hours long. Yes. By a few minutes. So you're basically watching, I mean, you're really just watching about an hour and 40 minute movie. You just have to watch some silly setup that's got some interesting moments. Come late like Jason did. He missed a good one.

part though I did miss I did miss the almost eating the hiker you missed the power hug and the power hug almost eating a hiker it is worth it and when she when she pounces on a cougar starts to I was gonna say this I love that they got like a sexy older lady I love that they got pita off their back because she's looking at a deer and thinking about eating that because she's got her blood thirst and then a cougar comes out of nowhere and is about to get the deer is it Samantha from Sex and the City yeah

So she saves the deer by pouncing on and eating the cougar. Oh, yeah. But it's pretty sweet seeing cute Kristen Stewart just dive on a cougar and start macking on its neck while it's going, it's like clearly... In like a tight balloon dress. She even kind of does like a take, like for a second she's like, can I really do this? Okay. Okay.

Oh, wow. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I will say that I've never really found Kristen Stewart to be, like, super sexy. I feel like in this movie, she really, like, stepped it up a notch. It kind of, like, really, like, glammed her. Well, the thing is... She's always been cute, but she's also 18, is maybe why you don't... Yeah, we've also talked about this in the past, of, like, Bella in the previous movies...

has been absolutely powerless to the men in her life. They dominate her. And in this movie... This is her Snow White in The Huntsman. It really is. And you know what's so creepy about it? Is that it is like... The story is basically once you get married...

and give yourself to a man sexually and he turns you into a vampire, then you can be a strong woman. Yeah. Before that, no. Before that, no. Do whatever the men are telling you to do. But once you get married, you are a strong woman. Stronger. Stronger than all the men. Yeah, stronger than all the men. She's physically stronger than all the men. She beats Kellan Lutz. She's mentally stronger. She's like...

Like, she always knows what to do and why to do it. By the way, when she does do that arm wrestling thing, which is such a funny, like, over-the-top weird moment. Literally over-the-top. Literally over-the-top. I just love that she's like, like you said this, Doug, she starts beating up that rock, like, yeah! And she starts jackhammering a rock. You're like, yeah! Like,

So weird. She's very, very excited about her powers in this. And of course, there's no, you don't have to sit through the credits because since there's no more movies, theoretically, I think there will be more movies. When they're saying that it's definitely over, even if What's-Her-Name doesn't want to write them, Stephanie Meyer, they could just still make, there's so many characters in that movie.

that would be a great movie to follow. I bet they make a case. Lee Pace is an interesting... I bet they do a TV series that is... Something. Something. So that they don't have to have Christian Stewart or Robert Pattinson. But if they did another movie, it could be Renesmee, who's a hot

young girl tell me more hire some actress to play her oh great so there's no there was two wacky scenes at the end of the last one that you had to sit through the credits to see but in this case you can just get up and leave after you see Anna Kendrick is what I think

Or stay until you see Christus George. It's like watching The Bows at the end of a really long play. It was kind of fun to watch everybody get out. I wish the audience would have clapped for the ones they liked. The crowd we saw it with was kind of stiff on that. But they should have done, at the very end, just a scene of not...

Not what's his name. Not Tom Skerritt. On a boat catching a trout. That would have been amazing. What if he catches a trout and goes, we're having so much fun, I wonder what they're doing right now. It would even be better if he catches a trout and then Michael Sheen just flies in and rips off his head and flies out. That would have been awesome too. That would have been a great twist. Maybe that's a spinoff. I did think there was going to be a... Billy Burke and his Native American wife on fishing trips. That's just it. That's it. The woman knows her trout, he says. Oh yeah.

Oh, the movie. Jacob made Renesmee a friendship bracelet, too. I thought that was really beautiful and sweet. Okay, so that's the thing. At the end of the movie...

everybody's okay. And Alice has a vision. We see Alice's vision of the future and it's Edward and Bella who are going to be together forever. They say, and then it's a grown Renesmee and Jacob. And the presumption is that he is just stone cold bone zoning. This little girl. I don't know if that's there, but I appreciate it. They're just hanging out. No, no, no. Cause he said, can I call you dad? And then Jacob goes, no, no,

Because he's like, he's going to eventually be married to him. That's why I think it was so creepy when he imprinted on the kid. Now, listen, this is going to be, I might say something very inflammatory right now. Is this like a weird Mormon, like kind of like you are betrothed to someone? Is this like a Mormon thing that is being appropriated for this mythology? Or is this truly just...

I think it was in a way to keep these people together. He could still be just watching over her. He has to watch over her for the rest of his life. Why would you call Jacob dad? Just because he's making a stupid joke. You know, like we're all family now. You know what I mean? Like you guys are the parents. Guys, hit up the Earwolf forums and let us know. Let us know what you think about this. I'm sure people are going to write really long,

I feel like Twilight people must know. I'm kind of getting weird about maybe wanting to read the books. Because that was also an interesting... The books are terrible. I bet they are, but they're probably simple and easy for someone like me to read. They're so easy to read. But I think that... I read the first two. I like the way they worked in pages of the book at the end. Yeah, I did like that too. And little passages, and especially the very last line from the books appears on the screen. I like that too. You know that little girls, or anyone...

grown women who love those books it was like forever it's such a everybody fucking creamed their jeans a good ending I was the same way about Dark Knight Rises you know I didn't love it all the way through but I was I found that ending very emotionally satisfying wait wait wait wait wait wait wait the Michael Caine in the restaurant ending

Yeah. Even though it's ridiculous. I didn't like that very much. Oh, really? You know what I wished? I just wished we had stayed on Michael Caine smiling and not reversed and seen like they were there. Because seeing them doing that, why would those two characters just sit around at a cafe? Exactly. They're not an old fucking man who's glad to not be a butler for a... A lot of people say that that was his vision. It was not a real moment.

What do you mean? Yeah, people argue that that's just what he was kind of imagining he was seeing. That Batman is really dead. What? No, that's nonsense. That's nonsense. That goes against every... By the way, spoiler alert on Batman The Dark Knight Rises.

That's crazy. I think we're late enough on that one. No one should be mad at us. By the way, I will say this. If you want to read books, read The Hunger Games books because those books are great. No, they get so bad. They're so bad. Book three is not great, but it is still... Book three is awful. All three books of Hunger Games are...

a billion times better than the Twilight films. Okay, well, that's a... That might be true, but the movies... And the best of all of these are the Harry Potter books. The Hunger Games movies can only get better from the first one. Agreed. The first one didn't really get it done, I didn't think. The plots get wonky. They get really wonky. But I think that... I feel like the guy they got to do the first one wasn't the man for it. I actually think the director of this...

Bill Condon or whatever did a great job. That fight scene was one of the best because again, they cheap out on action. It was cool, but they do a lot. It's a weird movie. I mean, he did direct the fact that there were all these weird scenes with the weird melodramatic music in the background. And so much CGI. Yeah. And they didn't go outside to shoot this movie at all. There's so many moments in this movie that you're just sort of like, there doesn't even need to be CGI. No! Watch that

be real, be real footage. Watch that be real. And, uh, but the, uh, I love, I love stuff like when the group of vampires that are coming to visit and they're all happy, they all come flying down the, the, the, you know, they come shooting in from the woods really fast and then they go to regular speed and then walk like the last, you know, why, why are they super speeding all the way to their destination? Like, why do they do that? Oh, I also thought that they, you were talking about incorporating the book. Um,

they do incorporate the book and sometimes poorly like they just take like obviously a passage from the book where Bella's talking about what she's thinking and stuff and they just kind of drop it in as like VO but it's not like VO that you're used to in a movie it's like yeah because it doesn't start at the beginning yeah it's just like it's like a random

middle. Somebody said, we gotta explain what's going on right here. This is confusing. We had friends come from all over to help us. Wait a second, when there's VO in the middle, it really is just one moment in the movie where there's a VO for no reason. No, there's two. And I noticed that there's two moments of VO that are like, and by the way, you didn't need them. You didn't need them at all. Because she's explaining stuff we just saw happen. Yeah. The best line of them all might have been when she says to Jacob,

You think you have some sort of moronic, wolfy claim on her? She was so angry at Jacob. Because he's annoying. But she should have been angry at him in every other movie. Like, go away.

way. Like, I'm with this other guy. But the thing that's weird is that Jacob now isn't interested in Bella at all because he only wants to bones on the baby. He's just watching out for her. I don't understand why Bella was attracted to him in the last movie because it was Renesmee kind of like getting her junk stimulated. Yeah, yeah. There was a moment where she was treating him like, yeah, like he was...

the father. Guys, I think we did it. I think we did. It's sad not to have June here. I feel like June needs to come in for a mini episode just to talk about this. Talk about what we said about it. I was actually thinking about that last night. I was like, I want to have her just watch it and then come in and just record it.

Yeah. And add this as an addendum. So maybe that will... But we all said that Bella's very strong in this one and finally does things that she should have been doing all along. She really stepped up in this one. Yeah. And I just want to say that I'm very excited to, you know, if you're in the Los Angeles area, I am definitely going to do a...

Benson movie interruption of this. Oh, great. Oh, great. Yeah, because I'd see it again. You should do it for parts one and two. I'd see it again anyway. You should do it for our- We already did one back in the day. Because it comes, you know, last year's came out at Thanksgiving also, so then in January, because, you know, essentially with the big movies, we have to kind of wait for them to be like hit second run theaters. Yeah. And then we can rent it from the studio for a reasonable price and then sit there and make fun of it.

So if you're in L.A., you can maybe wait. You can maybe wait for... That's a good call. And see it that way. That's not bad. It's going to be a lot of fun. I'll try to get you guys to participate. I'll see it again. All right, that is our episode. We will see you all soon. All right, bye.

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