Matinee Monday: Rhinestone LIVE! (w/ Matt Jones)
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Perhaps we'll find the answer to the question, how did this get made? Hello, people! We are live here at Largo in Los Angeles with an amazing crowd, an electric crowd, for a night that we won't soon forget. Together, finally, the movie that everyone wanted, Stallone, Dolly Parton, musical, comedy, it happened. Um...

And we're gonna talk about Rhinestone tonight, but to help me do it, I am joined by my co-host. Please welcome Jason Manzouk, June Diane Rayfield, our very special guest tonight, helping us talk about all things Rhinestone. Please welcome Matt Jones! Alright. Oh, boy. Rhinestone, 111 minutes.

You know, it was interesting watching the trailer because that's a very short trailer. Like, that's... I feel like they genuinely couldn't cut together the story. Like, it didn't go together in trailer form. It didn't go together in full-length feature form either. It's a problem when you can't make a trailer out of the... It's basically my... Boss, I've been trying. I've been trying to cut a bunch of scenes together. It really doesn't make sense, though.

I feel like the head of Paramount was like, fuck it. We can't let people know that Stallone sings. Make him punch a bunch of people. He'll punch a hit. But meanwhile, one of the points in the movie is that he's never allowed to punch someone. But it's in the trailer because he's Rocky. I will say there's a little known fact about Dolly Parton that you may notice. Yes, go ahead. She's huge.

- Huge boobs. I mean, ridiculously big boobs. - What? - Okay, gross. - Her boobs have boobs. - You bring this up and I didn't notice it. - Just to make sure we're all clear, the premise of the movie is Dolly Parton-- - Oh, let's go over it.

Bets her body, essentially. She basically says, you can fuck me if I don't win this bet. You know, honestly, I actually re-watched this part because it wasn't totally clear. I was like, wait, what the fuck was the bet? Yeah. She wants...

Go ahead. Yeah, because at the end of it, he goes, and I get to have sex with you. He just tags it on. Oh, okay. And she goes, hey, go screw yourself and walks away. Oh, okay. She never actually said, I will have sex with you. No, she, see, here's the thing. The prize for the bet for him, for Frank, is his name? Yeah. I'm sorry, for Freddie. Freddie, the most unlikely owner. It's Frank Stallone. Freddie Ugo? Freddie Ugo?

Yes. F you. F you. The prize for him is to have sex with an unwilling participant. So,

She has agreed. She does sign on to the bet, but she signs on knowing that she... There is a contract element of it, though, where if she wins, he nullifies her contract, and if he wins, he gets to have her for five extra years on her contract. On top of the three, so eight years. And then he throws in the sex. Okay, just pause. Pause for a second. The

The contract is to sing at a bar. Yes. A country western bar. I love how he has an iron clad CD. Where? Manhattan. Manhattan's premier cowboy bar. Again, this movie. I love the pitch for this movie. It's like, yeah, yeah, it's like Studio 54, but like cowboys and shit. Like this movie, hypothesis.

hypothesizes something that never was a big thing. Like, you know, like I know line dancing was big, but like people weren't going to hillbilly bars and the people that were in the crowd were real New Yorkers. Like they were not like even, they were not making any effort, even though there was cowboy paparazzi outside. No, literally, literally the guys, the guys in the crowd were like, hey, why don't you play country music better? Yeah.

Well, this is what's weird, too. You sort of get the sense from the movie that the country music scene is taking off in New York City. Like, that it's not in Nashville. Nope. Nashville, you can suck it. Did you guys live in New York at any point? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, well, it's so big. New York City. That's why I moved to New York. To become a country music superstar. It's the only place to be. I was like, where can I break into country music? New York City, here I come.

In fact, I'm going to leave the place. I will say, it has a beautiful opening line. The opening line to the film is, have a good night, Mr. Hugo. It's always a good night when you're rich. That's good writing. Thank you.

That's good writing. I want to get to the bottom of Mr. Ugo because his whole thing is he doesn't look like an owner of a country bar. Why go so against type? Why don't you make him like a Larry Hagman type of guy? And also, to your point, this country western bar is so successful that he is stupid rich. Oh, yeah.

His apartment is like a Richie Rich apartment. He has a bedroom like Superman does in Superman 2. He has a fireplace that is oddly electric. He lives like Quagmire.

From the family guy. Actually, they did an establishing and it showed that he lived in Trump Tower. Yes. Oh, that's awesome. This is 1984. So this is like early Trump Tower. Let me ask this question then. If this club is so successful and he is so rich that this is the country music mecca...

Then it posits, the movie posits it is. Why does Dolly need to get out of her contract? She's where it's happening. She has succeeded, I assume. And there was no talk of him producing her album. It really was just to perform nightly, I guess. It's as if records don't exist.

And it was, I do, and I'm gonna bring back this cowboy paparazzi thing again. When he pulls up in his car, there's a girl in a cowboy costume who takes pictures of him entering his own bar, which is odd that you would have paparazzi, like people you hire paparazzi yourself, and then also they take pictures of them in the bar. I just thought that was interesting. Very egomaniac. Like, I want more of those paparazzi pictures of me going into where I live.

Freddy Hugo visiting his own, here he is visiting his own club again. Stallone drives a cab in this movie like Beauregard drives a cab in the second Muppets movie. Like, it is so scattershot and insane. Like, he, like Stallone in this movie, in the first scenes that you're seeing him, he's screaming, he's driving like a wild man, like he could have a full

on personality disorder. He does. He's a crazy individual. Yeah. Like, top to bottom. T to B, he is out of control. He needs to be medicated. If he was taking place now, he would be diagnosed like ADHD or ADD. Like, his level of like, he's always jumping around and stuff. Like, the scenes where he's like,

takes Dolly Parton, he takes her back home to the funeral home where he lives. They go in, he shows her the organ, he starts singing Tutti Frutti, he realizes there's a funeral. There's so much manic energy. Maybe he has Robin Williams disease.

Maybe that was an inspiration for him. Here's the weird thing about... Well, there's so much to unpack here, but the weird thing about his singing before she even tries to work with him is it's so crazy. But it's like, it's not that he's tone deaf necessarily. But that's part of it. It's part of it, but the main thing is like, it's...

So he sings everything so fast. He wants to get it done real quick. Yes, but I've never heard someone be so off rhythm, I guess, but it's not even that. It's a crazy... Do you think that he thinks I'm such a good singer I need to really mess it up to not be... No, he's a good comedian.

I gotta tell you, one of the worst things in life, if you're a comedian or a funny person in any way, is being introduced to somebody, like, this is my friend, he's so funny. And you sit down with them and you're like, oh, and there's so much pressure on both of you. But then the person goes huge, and is sometimes super misogynistic or racist, and all this, and you're like, I don't find this person funny at all. Like, I really kind of hate this person. LAUGHTER

One person thinks they're funny. That person produced Rhinestone. Because somebody was like, you know, when they called cut on the organ bit, somebody was like, oh man, Sly, that was hilarious. Cut.

I kind of agree. I kind of agree. I think all of those choices, because there was other things within there that I was like, this is, I'm watching a man who is inherently not funny at all try and be what he thinks is funny. Well, like, there's a scene when he wrecks his cab. He's being reamed out by the owner of the cab company. He happens to be wearing a shirt that looks like a fair thing. And he goes, hey, how can you find me from being a taxi driver? I'm dressed like a taxi.

Like that's like, he's riffing. - Well, there's, do you notice he's wearing funny t-shirts in all of the movies. - Yep. - Well, as I-- - He's wearing the one that looks like he has all the cameras on him. - Yep, there's one that's a skeleton. There's one that's a skeleton. - The tourist one. I'm gonna play a slideshow. - I guarantee that was Stallone being like, "This is hilarious." - Yeah, these are the cab ones. Tuxedo.

Skeleton. That, whatever that is. That one.

Full rhinestones. That's a lot of different outfits. He definitely was dressing the part of the funny guy. - It's just weird though, because a little bit later we do see him singing with his family, an Italian song, and he sounds great. - Also super racist. - Fine, but he sounds okay. And then later on-- - He sounds okay? - He sounded all right. - I'm sorry, do you think we're gonna let you get away with that? - He sounded okay.

Do you think that's what all Italians sound like? I like that that's your setup for something else, is that he sang well in that scene, because he did not. I thought he sounded okay. I thought he sounded okay. But then at the end, and sorry to jump ahead, but during his finale song, he tries to do it Dolly's way, and then he has to do it his way. But his way is...

Should I play that scene? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have the... Do you have him trying to sing Dolly's Way first? I only have when he kind of goes into his way of doing it. This is really funny. Wait, is this the end?

This is the, I mean, we jumped, we're jumping to the end. Oh, this is like when he does his, like, get his crowd. So just very quickly, the challenge is, the movie, what the movie is, is Dolly Parton has to turn Sylvester Stallone into a successful country singer so that he will not get heckled offstage at this gong show talent night at the biggest...

At the biggest country western bar in North America, located in Manhattan in New York City. In Midtown. In Midtown. And like we said, guys, we are going way out of order, but I think there's no suspense that it's going to happen. So here we go. Also, if you can tell me what he's saying. Here we go. I really don't know. Here we go. Now watch. Just say it.

Tonight. Tonight.

Now this is a winning performance. I mean, this is as good as it's gonna get. That is the gold. But he does like a Sugarhill Gang kind of... He's rapping to a beat. That

Just so you know, like, that's where the movie Apex is, so... This is his victorious moment.

I'll say this. The same year that this movie came out, Frank Stallone released his first album. Oh, really? Yes. Just making sure. And he was nominated for Golden Globe for writing music for Staying Alive. Frank Stallone was. Yes. So do you think Frank was like, fuck you, Sylvester? That is my thing. That's me.

You're the boxer, I'm the singer. Shithead? I was actually talking to someone about this movie just today, and they read an original draft of the Rocky screenplay. And in the Rocky screenplay, there was a subplot where Rocky also wanted to become a singer. And it was cut out of Rocky. I have that on high authority. So this has been something that he has been trying to shoehorn in for a long time.

And for you to say, Frank Stallone, if there is anything that Frank Stallone is better at than Syatt, it's probably singing. I feel like, I think he got that gene. I also love the fact that this is post-Rocky 3, so he's a huge star. And they're like, yeah, this script we got, it's okay. Who we got that can punch this up? Who's like a big...

a big punch-up artist in town, Sylvester Stallone. Get him. Well, here's the thing. The guy who wrote the original screenplay, Phil Alden Robinson, who wrote Field of Dreams, wanted to take his name off this movie after Stallone did his extensive changes to the screenplay. He wrote Field of Dreams. He also wrote Sneakers, which is a great movie. Yeah, great movie. And they took the movie

from him and gave it to Sylvester Stallone. I'm gonna punch this up. Well, he writes every one of his movies. He's gotta write it because he's a comedian. If you give it to him, he will sing.

I only could... I can only imagine how upset that writer must have been to get back that script. Like, what have you done? What have you done with it? 'Cause there is... It's just, it's also like an extremely complicated premise. Like, I feel like if you wanted to work backwards into him singing and even being a country singer, you could get there.

But the way they get there in this movie is just like, it's baffling. Oh, yeah. It's New York City, the hub of country music. Okay. Okay. Uh-oh. The challenge is you have to teach him to be a country music star. Where are you going to go? Tennessee. So what? But also, the stakes for him are...

Not to become a country music singer. Nope. But to get his cab back. To get his own cab. His own cab back. Now, what I really took issue with is a couple times in the movie, they keep on saying that Dolly is the reason why he got fired from the taxi cab company. Now, from what we just saw... Because she's a woman and she shouldn't have big boobs. Okay.

From the scene we just saw, he just was driving willy-nilly and crashed into a sidewalk. He says later on that he was looking at her and that's why he crashed. But then Dolly also says, I got him fired from his taxi job. I agree with you. That made no sense to me. I think Dolly is a punching bag in a lot of ways. Did you see Steel Magnolias, guys? Yeah.

She stays with these guys that are bad for her. Have you seen Straight Talk? Straight Talk is the best Dolly Parton movie ever. If you haven't seen it, it's incredible. Here's the other weird thing about Dolly and the way she's written in the movie. He's also complaining that she's a nag. No, that she's no fun, basically. There's a big theme that she's not fun. And even her dad is like, he's right.

You're kind of a turd. By the way, who's Richard Farnsworth, who's one of my favorite characters. I love him. But this movie especially is a rule I have about him where it always feels like he doesn't realize he's in a movie. Or he's like, oh, yes, the camera's here. Well, we'll just continue to play pretend. We're moving on. We're moving on. Were we shooting?

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To go back to the plot confusion of it.

New York, hub of country music. Tennessee to learn. So how do you teach someone to be a country singer? Show them how to chop wood. Show them how to ride a pony. Show them how to walk. Show them how to walk. These are things... Singing! Singing would be the first. Well, they have worked.

Getting by a piano and just banging out some notes. They appear to have to turn him into a cowboy in order for him to successfully be able to sing a country song. Because all cowboys are good singers? Which is flawed. Apparently. Wow.

- You know, yeah, okay, what do you think inflation has changed in 30 years? This is 30 years ago, 1984. - Dude, are we really gonna get into an economics discussion right now? - Because this movie made $22 million in 1984. - But it was a huge failure because the budget was 28. - Which is even crazier. - Yeah, you know that-- - So that was like an $80 million movie.

This was like if Avatar made no money. Well, I do think that they're like, perfect, this guy's coming off of Rambo. This is going to be a huge hit. No one looked at the script or the tone or the content of it. This is, yeah, it was a mess. I didn't like this movie.

I wrote, this movie is cringingly bad. I feel bad for the people in it. I genuinely at times felt bad for Sylvester Stallone because I was watching someone try so hard to do something they were failing at and their best attempts were on screen. Well, here's...

Because here's the thing. Singing, I really do think it's one of those things, you're a singer or you're not. You can either do that or you can't do that. And so what's strange is he must have known what the actor's ability, he knew what he could do before going into this. Oh, yeah. Which is, he knew he was a comedian, you guys. This movie is hubris. Hubris.

Right? Like, he thinks he can do anything at this point. Exactly. This is the moment where he does Cobra a year later. Oh, flawless. Well, I mean, here, this is an interesting fact. Stallone turned down the Michael Douglas role in Romancing the Stone, the Eddie Murphy role in Beverly Hills Cop, to make this movie. Because he's a comedian. He really thinks he is. Have you seen Oscar? Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.

He's great in that too. He's a good straight man. Tango and Cash is legitimately a fantastic movie. I love that movie so much. Have you done it on here? No, we have not done that. Oh my God. I can't remember it well enough. You don't remember? Oh, it's Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell. I think I'm confusing it with Tequila Sunrise. No, no. This is like the heyday of Kurt Russell's beautiful hair. Oh, man.

That, no, that heyday continues, my friend. That's true, that's true. That man has the best hair in Hollywood. You're right, you're right. Let's show you a clip of the comedy. This is like probably the, I would think a centerpiece comedy scene. It's about his big organ. Um...

Do you play an instrument? Yeah, I can sort of play a couple of chords in this organ I have at home. Hey, I'll tell you what. Why don't you come to my house and you can teach me a new song? Go to your house, huh? I suppose that's so you can show me your organ, right? And why do you think I'm counting you? I'm telling you, I really do have this big organ. Thank you. All right, we'll go to your place and you can show me your organ. But I'm warning you, it must be having music coming out of it. You got it. Thank you.

He plays it like Jim Carrey in the Ace Ventura era. And what you can't, for the people at home, you can't see that there's an extra in that scene who when he hears big organs, like, oh, what? And then when he hears it again, gives him a thumbs up. Any extra on any movie worth its salt. Get that guy out of there. No, you know why? You know what I think? I think they put that guy in there to make sure people got the double entendre. I think they had that guy in there so people would be like,

Oh, shit. Dude, rewind this. You just missed a fucking great joke. I have to rewind it. So at the end, puts on sunglasses with the flare as if he's doing like a Buster Keaton comedic routine. I also love in the 80s where he's like, hey, we're going to do your hair for this movie. And he's like, can you make me look like a microphone? Like,

- Perfectly shaved? - Like I have a Madonna halo around my head. - One of the insults when he's trying to sing and he's getting heckled is, "Is that a hairstyle or a launching pad?"

Written by Sylvester Stallone. You didn't enjoy this movie, did you? I hated this movie. I hated this movie. Also, by the way, when you bring up the audience heckling, another thing that I didn't know about country music is the art of slams. Your mama jokes.

is a big... Like, you know, when you go see, like, a Waylon Jennings concert, he's always being like, shut up, your mama's so fat that when she sits around the house, she sits around the house, two, three, four. And I lost my woman to a man with a horse.

I love Dolly Parton in this movie. I actually was like, wow, she's, I thought she was very attractive. But she also dresses like a caricature of someone in a cowboy movie. Yes. Like Mae West is like, tone it down. Richard Farnsworth in this movie, the actor who plays her father, who we were describing as not quite knowing if he's in scenes, describes

Stallone's character as slow-witted.

If that gives you an idea of where on the spectrum people are falling. Stallone is acting like a cartoon character in most of the movie. Like, when they go, one of my favorite things is the scene where he goes to the, I was saying, he plays the organ, but there's a funeral, and his dad comes up and yells at him. He's like, what are you doing? This is crazy. It can't be it. Oh, this is crazy. And then he sees Dolly Parton and he's like, oh, God.

And then his dad's like, "What's this girl? "Is this girl for you? "Is this girl for you? "If you can't handle this girl, you tell me, "because I can handle a girl like this. "If you need help, you can." I'm pretty sure he's like, "If you need me to come and double team, "golly pardon with you, you give me the word." At which point I'm thinking, the mom must be out of the picture. Not true. No, she serves them lunch and she's furious. She serves them lunch.

Well, Dolly's there and the dad is like, oh, fuck. I'm going to eat this cannoli like it's your fucking bush. What's going on? But they also treat Stallone...

That may have been an edited line from the movie. Don't reward that. They also treat him like he is a child. Like, he's asking for permission from his parents to go to Tennessee with a weird woman to win a contest. Like, okay, we'll let you go, son. He leaves his home to go with a stranger. Well, he takes a bet from two strangers. It's like a trading places bet. It's...

And leaves to go to the valley, because that was no way shot in Tennessee. It was the tightest interior shots on everything. It was just porches, all porches. Yeah, all porches. And my wife walks in and she's like, is this Little House on the Prairie? Why does it look like they're in an old-timey house? Nobody's that poor. Yeah.

And then she, my wife, I have to say, asks the same question of every movie we watch. She's like, so do you think they had sex? Like, do you think they actually had sex with each other while they were shooting? Because I think they had sex. Interesting you bring that up because it was rumored for years that Dolly cheated on her husband with Sly during this movie. Their chemistry was undeniable. Yeah.

Palpable. Palpable. June, did you think they had good chemistry? There was a scene or two where I thought, something's happening. Something's happening here. When they kissed...

I thought that she would kiss him, but I thought that she would kiss him to be like, "I wonder what a New York guy tastes like." I feel like it was more of a... Try it. -June, is that the way women think? -I've never had a taco. I don't think I'll like it if I try it. Is that the way women think? Like, "I need to taste the men of the country." "I wonder what a Chicago guy tastes like." "He tastes like deep dish."

He tastes like diesel fumes and sweat. It is interesting. If you have watched a lot of Dolly Parton movies, the similar part she plays is that she's like this sweet, like, down-home country girl who's had sex with everybody. Like, she's like, that guy screwed me over, that guy screwed me over. They sing a song in the movie that's like, their first duet is like, it's not about love, it's just a one-night stand.

But I guess we always catch up with her after she's learned her lesson. Like, her movie is over, and she's now wizened. Like, she's never back in... Like, you never see her being... No, she's trying to get... I think the thing is, she's trying to get out from under. You know, like, and this actually, I feel like, is the Dolly Parton story. Like, she's a child, a poor... She sees the prostitute in town and says...

that woman is beautiful. I want to look like her when I grow up. And she dresses like the prostitute. And this is true. This is Dolly Parton's story. And then she becomes a country music star because she's part of Porter Wagner's situation. And the husband in this, I'm spacing his name. Freddie Hugo? Barnett. Barnett. Barnett.

Oh, yeah. He is a, like, he's a Porter Wagner stand-in, right? Yeah. So she, because they used to be singing partners and they were involved, but he was keeping her down so she had to escape from him and get away and got involved with a bad manager. I feel like a lot of this is weirdly Dolly Parton's actual weird life. That's Stallone Road. Yep.

Well, well, according to you, Dolly Parton's life sucks. Except that she is one of the most triumphant and amazing singer songwriters in American history. Which is amazing. I've ever seen was a Dolly Parton. This movie is excruciating to watch. Absolutely. But how many times are you like, wow, she's a really good singer. Um, and songwriter and songwriter. Uh,

How many years difference do you think between Dolly and Stallone? She's ageless. I have no idea. I have no idea how old she is. It's actually really hard because of the wigs. The wigs. And the makeup. Because I don't know. They could... I do. I feel like there's... You do know? I do, but I want you to continue. Yeah.

I feel like maybe they're around the same age. Yeah. I feel like... Oh, boy. I don't... I feel like they're... So I know pictures of her as a kid are all in black and white. Okay. We at least have that nugget. I'm guessing she's older than him by less than 10 years. Okay. Exactly the same age. Really? Exactly the same age.

Wow. Wow. Exactly the same. Do you think she went from best little whorehouse in Texas to this and was like, ah, fuck, Burt Reynolds. He really had the comedy chops that she was used to. Yeah, and then she's like, ah, fuck, Sylvester Stallone. And then after this, it was like James Woods, right? She eventually makes it to Queen Latifah. Somehow that, like, from Burt Reynolds to Queen Latifah finally has made it across the board. Oh, thank God.

We haven't even gotten into Drinkin' Stein. Drinkin' Stein is a song that Stallone sings where he becomes a monster after he drinks Budweiser called Drinkin' Stein. Do you have the clip? I do have the clip. Pretty positive. Here we go.

Check out that bulge. But wiser you created a monster and they call him Frankenstein. And the tavern down the street is the laboratory where he makes the transformation all the time.

Sorry, cut off a little bit early. He's wearing a cowboy hat that has multiple tails on it. He's dressed like...

This is a pet peeve of mine in comedy, by the way. It really is. And it happens to me, and I bet it happens to all of us here quite a bit. You go in and you're doing a small part on something. You come in to do a funny couple scenes, and they're like, "I got this costume for you that's hilarious." And you're like, "Why does my costume have to be funny? Can't I just be funny?"

- Why do you have to? - It's a comedy. - Yeah. - I do feel like Stallone though requested a funny costume. - Oh Stallone, he's a comedian. - Yeah, he was like, "I need more, can't this be a funnier costume?" This is a thing I really wanted to get into. When they go to a bar, the guy, the Tim Thomerson Barnett says, "I like my beer foamy." That's not a thing. No one requests a foamy beer.

I lived in Amsterdam for three years, and all beers are served with two fingers of foam at the top. They won't take a beer without foam at the top. Okay, so maybe he is from Amsterdam. He is a European cowboy. I will say, I will say, I will buy that, but his foam was literally from top to bottom of glass. That's good joke writing. Do you think that was to show that he was an idiot? No, I actually feel like...

I don't know what that was. It didn't seem like a character choice. It didn't even seem like a joke. It just seemed like if I was a kid, that would be like something I would be like, "Oh, that's how adults order things." And then I'd be severely disappointed. - I wrote down a joke. I don't know the context. I don't know who said it. I don't remember 'cause I hate this movie. But I'm reading this line and I'm like, "It's pretty funny." "You sound like baby Hitler."

That is in the movie, right? Where is that from? Stallone says that about Dolly when she's telling him, I think, to mix his peas and mashed potatoes together. She's saying, he says, she says, you're a big idiot, and he says, well, you're baby Hitler. You sound like baby Hitler. She's making him do too many things. Baby Hitler, very bossy.

It's mine! Mine! Mine! Thank you, guys. Again, another way to teach someone how to sing. Make them eat biscuits with gravy, not butter. That was the scene that we just saw the baby Hitler in. This movie was worse than a Dukes of Hazzard episode.

than all of the Dukes of Hazzard episodes. Like, this is not, this section of the movie felt like the Dukes of Hazzard to me for some reason. Yeah, because it was shot in the same back lot. It probably was. When they go to Tennessee and all of the, everybody here are like such bold stereotypes. Obviously, the Asian family at the beginning. All the hillbillies are like crazy stereotypes. All the Italian families, crazy. But this,

there were so many moments in the Tennessee section where I desperately wanted the general lead to speed through and freeze frame and Waylon Jennings be like, well, the Duke boys have gotten themselves in a real pickle this time. What's Nick gonna do next? Uh,

This movie felt like an axe. You know what I mean? You're talking axe of movie. I got to the hour point and I was like, oh, it's over. Holy shit. There's 30 more minutes. I thought it was over. I thought the next scene, he's going to go sing in the bar. This huge other plot of like, she's jealous of him? Well, that's the thing that I really wanted to get into. The third act of this movie comes out of nowhere. They literally...

have sex. It looks like they are together as a couple and they're having a fine time. When did they have sex? Remember when they kiss and she goes, there's just one more thing I want to find out about you. Like his dick size. Oh, wow.

Didn't they have sex in that scene? I wasn't paying attention. No, no, no, later. At the end, not with the scene with the extra. No. No, I was saying I didn't understand it later on because the extra wasn't there. Oh. Got it. I didn't know. If he had been there doing that, I would understand. If that extra popped up in the window, thumbs up.

There are multiple jokes made about Sly and Dolly trying to hook up in the house where Richard Farnsworth is, but he's like, I hear you, basically. And then it kind of scuttles them. But then at the time when they do have sex, Richard Farnsworth is still right there.

Like, he's listening to them, like, pound it out. And you're right about the house that, well, we've never really seen the scope of the house. No, you never see the outside completely. Except for the Walton's good nights. When we see them in the kitchen, it does look like it's a two-bedroom situation. Like, it's a tiny, tiny house. Well, the bathroom is very small, where Stallone is singing into his toothbrush.

And Dolly and the dad come in and they're all kind of like, uh-oh, cramped. Yeah, there's no noise machines or air conditioners. So if you could hear a mouse fucking on cotton, you could hear, you know, Dolly and Stallone going. Wait a minute. A mouse fucking on cotton? Is that a line from this movie? No, no. It sounds like a country song. No, it was so quiet you could hear a mouse fucking on cotton. You've never heard that? Another mouse or the cotton? Cotton.

The cotton would be the bed for the mouse because he doesn't have a bed. It would just be a cotton place where he... Mice don't just sleep on the ground willy-nilly. They gather up cotton. They make beds. Like a nest, like a mouse nest. Like a mouse bed? Yes. No, just a cotton ball. So the mouse... An adorable cotton ball. How big is this mouse? It's...

It's a pretty small mouse. It's gotta be because I don't think of the cotton ball as the pillow. Wait, Juno, where are you on this analogy? What I'm curious about is the cotton making noise? Like, what are we hearing? The cotton is killing the noise. Yeah. Of what? The fucking? Of them fucking? Yeah. That's how quiet it is. That's how quiet it is. Right now, right now, try to get it so quiet that you can imagine two mice fucking on cotton. All right. You shut your fucking mouth.

You ruined it for everyone. Oh, we hate you. What am I listening to?

We're trying to find the imagination. I feel like what I would hear would be the mice squeaking. That's what I'd say. And the cotton being there or not. It's irrelevant. If it's just two mice squeaking on the floor or squeaking on cotton, the cotton isn't dampening the sound of the floor. That's what you're wrong. There's no springs. No, it is. Maybe it's like two Smurfs fucking on cotton. Now we can get into this.

Because now I'm curious. I think the... Cotton sucks sound. We know that. Cotton sucks sound? Oh, my point was they can hear Dolly Parton in Sly's bucket. Oh, by the way, there was a cliche in this movie that drives me insane of, like, two people are about to kiss, right? And then you say something, right? So I'm about to kiss and be like... Say something. Oh, my God.

Sorry, I didn't get it. Let's try it again. I want to play this game with Jason. So we're like, oh yeah, I really love this game. Oh, hey. Well, I guess we can't kiss now.

Like, that has ever stopped anybody in the history of time. Someone said something, and then they... Richard Farnsworth says something, they're about to kiss, and then they're like, uh-uh, and then he walks away, and they're like, yeah, I guess we're not gonna kiss now. The moment was over. No, they leave, and then you fucking kiss the person. That's how the real world works. She has huge boobs.

There comes a point, though, when she has to take off that corset. She's just blood. She's in pain. She's in such pain. She's like those people who get caught in the subway. You ever see, like, you know, like a car impales them in a tree or they get caught in the subway tracks. It's like, well, if we pull out the subway, they'll die. If she ever takes off her dress, she'll die.

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I love Dolly Parton, like, truly. I love her too, so much. True love. And even in this god-awful movie,

She is still somehow like transcendently wonderful. I think so too. What's that? I really do too. Every time she opens her mouth, it's funny. Every time she sings, it's amazing. And in those moments, you're like, wow, unstoppable, unstoppable. She's a queen. She's unstoppable. And then fucking everybody else in the movie, like it takes a shit all over everything. That's why I'm...

Honestly, I didn't hate the movie because I liked seeing her outfits. I liked seeing all the different clothes she got to wear. And also, her voice is so beautiful. Yep, it is. That I'll watch this horrible movie just to hear her sing in those scenes. Great.

And she sings a lot. She sings a lot. I do think that you could take a lesson from Dolly Parton because she is above it all. She makes it work. She makes that chemistry between the two of them where you're like, oh yeah, I guess Sylvester Stallone is kind of a cute, roguish kind of guy. Yeah.

But it's only because she's playing. He's a boorish asshole who wants to get back to driving a cab. He's like, she is... She has strapped this movie to her heavily corseted body and is carrying it for the 90 some odd minutes that it lasts that I sincerely wanted to kill myself during.

She is like a champion of this movie. And the entire plot of it is like so borderline hateful towards her character. And yet she still comes out shining. Love you, Dolly. Call me.

If you've ever dated a musician, if you've ever dated a musician and they're like in bed or around the house and they're like playing the guitar or piano, it's the most annoying thing. This is a dream of mine. It's the most annoying thing in the world. No. It's a dream. Why? Why is it so annoying? Oh, it's just so goddamn annoying. I'm hanging out. Nora Jones is playing piano in bed. Oh, boo-boo.

But if it's Dolly Parton, I don't think it would ever get annoying. No. I really don't think it would. I actually buy that she sits in the dark and plays guitar before she goes to sleep. I believe it. I truly believe that. And then she takes off her corset. And her boobs, like, inflate to fill the entire room. She sleeps on her boobs. It's like two mice fucking on Dolly Parton's boobs.

Let's go to the audience. Let's see what questions you guys have. I mean, we have a lot of, oh, people have notes. We always like people with notes because you've done the research. All right, so, all right, who has got, yep, you've got a question. Here we go. Your name, who you think is a better singer, Dolly or Stallone? And your question. I'm Allie. I also obviously think that Dolly Parton is amazing, so Dolly Parton, I'm sorry. I mean, as a singer, though.

Like, who do you think is a better singer, die partner, or Stallone? I'm a sardine Stallone. Okay, great. Yeah, perfect. That's what I thought. How are we supposed to believe that Stallone ever learned how to sing if there wasn't a montage? That's a really good point. It seems like that's the only thing that wasn't in the training montage. You never saw anyone teaching him...

singing, it was like if you eat this way, if you chop this way, if you ride this way. - I have a thought on that. He cannot sing. In order for that to succeed, he has to be able to sing poorly and then be able to sing better. You need the capability in your actor of before and after.

"It's not happening here. We've got two befores." So he never learns how to sing. That's part of the problem. This movie is horrible. Let's all kill ourselves.

Also, do you remember Richard Farnsworth teaching him Old MacDonald Had a Farm? Oh, yeah. He was such an asshole. You can't just try to sing Old MacDonald Had a Farm for a second. If you can't do that, why am I watching the rest of this fucking movie?

I want to get to, I do want to get to the bottom of why he was, it was ever acceptable that when he would sing, like when he sang Tutti Frutti, he was like, Tutti Frutti, oh, Frutti, Tutti Frutti, oh, Frutti, Tutti Frutti, oh, Frutti, like, it was like, like, that's not acceptable. Like, he didn't copy it. Like, if he was like,

Like, that's not bad tone. That's not even like a conception of anything. He has no rhythm. It's not even rhythm. That's what that is. Like, because even a bad singer would be like, Tutti Frutti, oh, Rudy. Here's the thing about the way he sang it, and I know what you're saying about it being a comedic choice, but the way he sings Tutti Frutti, it's almost as though he's like hearing the song wrong. Like...

Like he heard it on a fast. He's recreating it. He also doesn't know the words to the song. Yeah, it's this frenetic retelling. He never got the information correctly in the first place. Maybe his record player is stuck on the fast side.

He only hears records super fast. Sir, what would you call the movie, your name and your question? Here you go. My name's Paul. I'm from England originally, but... Didn't ask.

Get it, we heard your accent, we get it. You're more cultured than that. You're in America now! USA! USA! USA! USA! He is actually wearing a Captain America t-shirt, so I think he's on board. He's on board. All right, your question. Um,

Well, I worked for a TV station in the UK and Sylvester Stallone did an interview where he was actually mad that everyone thought that he couldn't sing in this movie because he was shortlisted for an Oscar in 1978 for Best Song from a single from the movie Paradise Alley.

That is true. And he was shortlisted for an Oscar, so he was pissed that people didn't think he could sing, because on that song, he actually can sing. So he was saying, like, he was mad... So that's why you made this movie? No, I'm kidding. Here's what's weird, but he didn't even give himself an opportunity to sing in this movie. Right. Like, he could have... Like, if it was... He said it's a parody of himself. But he says it...

if he was not in control, like if someone made this movie without his consent. - This all comes back to what I've been saying. He said he's a parody of himself. He was trying to be, 'cause he's a comedian. Guys, Sylvester Stallone is a fucking comedian. - All right, here we go. - Tango Cash. - Your question, what you'd call the movie and your name. - My name is Mishka. I would call the movie "What Did He Say?" - Ooh, great.

My question was, his first performance in Tennessee, why was he given a guitar to play when he already told Dolly that he only played a little bit of organ? Great question. It really stacked the day. And yeah, he learned how to play guitar, right? Or was he playing guitar at the end? Sort of, but no, not in the diamond jumpsuit he was in. Okay. Didn't he look like Don Cheadle in Boogie Nights in that? I don't know.

Does the song Rhinestone Cowboy ever get sung? Never! In the whole movie. Oh, but guys, the movie is based on that song. That is a title in the beginning. Based on the song Rhinestone Cowboy. Which I don't believe... That song is not about a woman taking a cabbie from New York to Tennessee to win a competition or she'll get fucked by a sleazebag. No.

I'm not super familiar with it, but I don't remember that being... So, just to get back to the third act for a second. So after he sings at that last performance in Nashville, he feels... No, in... Oh, yeah, sorry. No, after the last performance in Nashville, he feels like he's such a good singer at that point that it's no longer about the bet.

No, he's going to be a professional. He doesn't want the cab anymore. He doesn't want the cab anymore, but still decides to not stay in the South, but to pursue the country music scene in New York City. Because the height of country music... Is in New York City, right. Okay, great. Great, great, great. He's going to get on stage with the rhinestones. What are a couple famous country singers who came out of New York? Like...

Like all of them? Yeah. Johnny Cash. Raylan Jennings. George Jones. Bill Monroe. Okay, your name, title for Rhinestone, and your question. My name is Jason, and I would say that... Cool name, bro. Killing it. Can't stop killing it, Jason.

I would say that the title of the movie should be the hardest movie to find because I had to get a bootleg of this movie. But actually, Mike, I had a question for you guys. What did you guys thought of the suicidal cowboy at the start of the movie who was singing in the cowboy bar? Because I would have liked to have followed his story because he had a very tragic story about his wife getting shredded. Oh, this is amazing. I actually have a clip of it. I do have a clip.

I'm going to play it and I'll come back to you guys. I thought that was, what's the guy's name? The country music singer. Dwight Yoakam. I thought it was Dwight Yoakam so I looked it up but it's not Dwight Yoakam. Did you guys watch the movie here tonight or before you came? Before they came. How many people stole it offline? Yeah. I bought it off of Amazon for a dollar. I now own a DVD of this piece of shit. It is?

Well, here is the guy, and you'll see he bends a mic stand, and I think you'll see a quick Frank Stallone cameo in this as well. He's a yeller, or a heckler. I know, he does get another mic stand. Here we go. So here we go. This guy, he bends the mic stand, throws it down. This is a song I wrote

all right so i know sorry it was a quick clip um but the

He's viewed as being terrible. No, well the song here, he's like, everybody's like, "Oh, that's pretty good." Yeah, not bad, not bad. But then the song gets super-- The song gets super crazy and everybody's like, "Fuck you!" But again, this is the talent show thing where hecklers rule and nobody's ever passed before. I was severely disappointed when he never came back.

When you realize that he's not the villain of the movie or something, and you're like, oh no, that's just one scene. God damn it, that was great. You love that guy. I love that guy. This movie is really like a precursor to The Voice, right, guys? Yeah. You know, like really just taking someone, plucking their talent, really working with them. Yep, they get a mentor. It's so good. Who did some research? I know people have research. You want to make sure? No? No one? Okay, you did some research. I like to reward research. All right, here we go. Your name, your question, here you go.

My name is Walter. The question I found weird was when he scoots up next to us or someone at the bar and he asks him about doing heroin. Yeah, I forgot about that. I didn't get that. It's like, you're from New York. Have you ever done heroin? Stallone, control, alt, save. Knocked out that scene. Now I'm going to go get fucked. Boom. I've got one of the very first computers in the world. I write on it.

And I have a robot for a maid. That movie was written one year later. Rocky IV, Rocky. If you look at Stallone's trajectory, he was making, writing, and directing movies at such a rate, your mind would explode. He directed Staying Alive, then the next year he was doing this, then the next year he was writing and directing Rocky III. He was the Woody Allen of the 80s. LAUGHTER

I think he produced even more than Woody Allen. Oh, yeah, okay. He made 48 films in four years. I think. All right, come on. Your name, your question. Here you go. My name's Brian. So the song Drinkenstein, which was, one, a Razzie. Yes, for the worst song of that year. So I...

There's no montage of it in a Stallone movie, but it's unknown like did the Stallone character write the song? Is it a song in this universe that's a very popular country song that they're covering just to kind of work out the bugs and is, you know, trying to like, hey, try this song. Let's see, you know, it's a simple chord, one, two, three, Drinkenstein.

Or did the whole band jam together and they're like, hey, we got this costume. Why don't you put this on and let's work up that song you did like half an hour ago and let's do that. Well, first of all, if he really would commit to the costume, I'd like him to make bolts out of Budweiser cans and put them in his neck. Yeah, that is unclear if that was an original Frank or whatever his name is in the movie. What was the name of the backing band that would like her friend? The what? The what?

Something possum. Wild possums. Wild possums? Yeah. Like the wild stallions. Bill and Ted. I got upset. Was that like, do you think the Budweiser was product placement? No, I don't think the Budweiser is advocating that when you drink it, you become a monster.

A drinking monster. Good point. I actually am surprised that Budweiser let them keep that in there. Someone was like, hey, we could get sued because we're saying that our alcohol makes you a fucking monster. I was surprised Jeff Healy wasn't in this movie. He seems to be in all of our terrible country movies. Your name and your question. Here we go.

My name's Laura, and mine is more of an observation. I was concerned about Dolly Parton every time they sang a duet that she was going to get headbutted. I didn't know if anybody else had that concern, but I was worried for her health. Well, I'm sure there is a hilarious blooper reel for this movie where he beats her with his head. Well, if you want to headbutt Dolly, you've got to get past those titties first. That far. I'm telling you, when they shoot her from the side...

It's upsetting. I'm just, just a handful. I don't agree. I don't think it's upsetting. Would you guys like to, would you guys like to see a little bit of their duet? Here is, here's when Dolly and him come together. This is where the magic happens. So much so that in this movie, the minute they get on stage together, the credits roll. They don't even let it like, they don't even let you see it full screen. Like, yeah, get the fuck out of here. We're done. Go, go, go.

Here we go. If you don't want to play in my fantasy, stay out my bedroom. Babe, if you can't take the heat. If you want it, come on and get it, babe. Satisfaction guaranteed. I'm a pleaser, free and eager. Again, the apex of the movie. He's won over this crowd.

Again, I'm pausing for one second just to remind everyone this crowd has been set up as a crowd full of the New York City's best hecklers. Yep.

They were paid to heckle, but yet that song, the power of that song, which is really just one chorus repeated over and over and over and over again, gets them out of their seats. But honestly, and be honest, because again, this movie is reprehensible.

Doesn't it get good when she starts singing? Yes, it's awesome. Like, it's laughable when he's trying to sing. When she comes out and starts singing, it's like, okay, this isn't that bad. It's great. What? They sound horrible together? You get out. You get out. She's doing the best she can. She's doing the...

It's like Mozart trying to play a piece and a rat running around the keyboard at the same time. It's like two mice fucking on a cog. Obviously, we had an opinion about this movie, but now it is time for a second opinion. These are five-star reviews called From Amazon, and these are amazing. I actually did a couple more than normal just because they are amazing. Um...

Okay, R.W. DuBois says, "The first time I saw this movie, I thought I would die laughing. And I was-- and I did." Critics panned it because they thought Sly Stallone wanted to break into the music business. Not true. It's just a movie. Too bad they can't tell the difference between reality and fiction.

We all know he can't sing. That's why he's perfect. Five stars. That's just, yeah, so just quickly, do you think he does have a career after this song? I mean, obviously he's won his taxi back. Oh, do you think that they go off and perform in New York City's highfalutin? Yeah. I'd like to think so. There's no way.

There's no way. This is the height for him. That night is the height? This is the best night of his life. I kind of see a sequel like Karate Kid 2. It picks up right after this night. He's toweling off. They beat up that guy and they go to Tennessee again. It is weird because in the fight before this, she says to him, when she realizes he wants more than just this night, she tells him he's not going to make it.

And so I guess we're to believe that she also thinks he's going to be a huge New York City country music star. Because he got the hip hop beginning, right? I just realized something. Still.

Stallone wrote in both this movie and Staying Alive, the female character telling the main guy he can't make it. And him having to triumph over that negative assessment of him in order to win. So Stallone hates his mother. Also in the movie Over the Top is the same. We're familiar with Over the Top. Yeah.

Right, but it's the same thing. Oh, don't you worry. It's a love story between a man and a boy. And now when Robert Loja is telling him he can't win. Yeah, but it's his ex-wife not believing in him. Well, no, his ex-wife is insane. His ex-wife is in a mental institution. Robert Loja keeps her in. Her ex-wife is kind of supporting him 100%. By the way, Stallone, if anything, has really good taste in music. I mean, getting Dolly Parton over the top as Kenny Loggins, you

You know what I mean? Look, he's... Oh, he gets it. Frank Stallone? Seven songs, staying alive. Here's another review. Rambo can't sing, but he's funny. Stallone has a gift for comedy that his fans don't recognize. Rhinestone is hilarious. I think too many of his fans expected him to actually become a country singer by the end of Rhinestone, thereby missing out on all the humorous scenes between him and Dolly Parton.

I don't understand that logic. And then I've been wanting to purchase this movie for 10 years. But everyone's defending this movie by going, hey, shit. Is this a thing? Do people see movies and be like, oh, classic. Daniel Day-Lewis, obviously going to be President Lincoln after this. He's doing all the work. It's clearly what he's gearing up for.

Like, do people think that of performances? Yes, people are that stupid. I can tell you from firsthand, people are that stupid. 100%. This one by Krista F. O'Neill. If you're too cool to watch a movie about Dolly Parton trying to turn Sylvester Stallone into a country music star, then guess what? You're an idiot. Five stars. She sounds cool. This is one that I was really confused by.

Five out of five stars, titled Wardrobe by Matt Smith. Get ready for this. The robe that Freddy Ugo wore had blue satin on silk. How can I buy the robe he had on when she went to rent his room to call the bet?

That's the outfit that you're going to pick in the entire movie? What are you talking about? He's wearing like a weird kimono. Where do you buy that? Where do you buy that? Five stars. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to write on Amazon. Somebody's going to see it. They're going to give me a heads up. Judy Shinsky writes, my mom loves this movie with every bone in her body. I myself can't stand it.

So I'm rating this movie for her. I've seen this movie, and from what I've seen, I'm surprised that they'd actually make this movie. But that's not what my mom would say. She would say it's a great movie and everyone should own a copy. I just can't stand it. This review isn't going to be helpful, so what can I say? You should really rent movies before you buy them anyways. What went on in that household? Judy! Judy! Judy!

review the movie for me. Judy, please. Let them know what I think. I don't want to do it, but Judy, please. Give it a thumbs up from me. They don't do thumbs on Amazon. Whatever they do, as many as they want. Judy should have just not have reviewed this movie. And then the second to last one here is just another interesting insight. Want to laugh?

Stallone is hilarious in this film. Made my mother-in-law laugh. Really fun to see her laugh. She hates me. Now, this is a first, and I just thought because it was a first, I had to read it. There was a fight on the Amazon reviews. So Daniel Becker, in a very lengthy review, slammed this movie, gave it one star, and his point number seven was...

And finally, complicity with the theory that Sylvester Stallone is an alien life form sent here to reap carnage on mankind, capable of single-handedly destroying art and culture with little more than a typewriter and the ability to form catastrophic phrases out of seemingly benign language, i.e. guru of doo-doo. Run. For the love that is all holy, run. Then.

Someone writes in the positive section, "Daniel Becker, shut your mouth. Daniel Becker does not know real talent when he sees it. How low-minded are you when you run down a top celebrity? Sure, I respect your opinion, but it's so narrow-minded, I wanna puke."

If you don't like Stallone, then why would you see a movie he's in? That's what I thought. You don't know because you're a complete jerk. If you can't say something nice about an amazing guy, don't say anything at all. If Stallone really is an alien...

And there is some kind of contest between Stallone versus humans. I think the results are in. I think we won. I was going to say, I think the aliens won. Anything left to add? I miss him. I miss Sylvester Stallone. I really do. Watching this movie. This episode of How Did This Get Made brought to you by The Expendables 3.

We'll keep on making movies until we run out of poster space. We will keep adding septuagenarian and octogenarian actors to this cast list as some of them die off. Remember, Dolph Lundgren is a PhD physicist. Finally, Kelsey Grammer in an action movie. He was in that? He's in Expendables 3. As is Harrison Ford. Oh.

who does his own stunts not so well anymore. - Yeah, that's right. We're going after Harrison Ford.

We already shut down How I Met Your Mother. That rivalry ended with that show getting shut down. Don't even talk about How I Met Your Father. It didn't get made because of us. Boom! Would you guys recommend people seeing this movie? Nope! No! I would say go see Straight Talk. It's the greatest Dolly Parton movie ever.

Yes. Is that Dolly Parton doing like Frasier? Yeah, no. Yeah, kind of. She gets her own talk show. She just like tells people what's going on and gives them Southern Wednesday. Straight talk. And it gives them straight talk. And like there's like a theme song that goes straight talk, straight talk. Like come on, let's talk turkey. And they play that song eight times in the movie. It's fantastic. Yeah.

Go see Straight Talk. Yeah, I would say see any other Dolly Parton movie. Steely Mags. Nine to Five. Watch Nine to Five. Come on, guys. I would watch this just for Dolly because the Dolly scenes were enough for me. They were. Wow. They were. I love her that much. A vocal minority applauds.

I would say watch it because I think as somebody who does comedy and stuff like that, it's great to learn from a master at the height of his game.

You know, it's good. You know, it's good to see how... Like, those kind of takes. I actually saw this movie in theaters when I was a very small child. My parents are divorced and I have a shitty father. And if he wanted to see a movie, we were fucking seeing it. So, you know, I saw, oh, a death wish and like...

Cobra in theaters when I was like three or four. I don't remember seeing this, but my sister would tell me about it, and then my dad bought it and watched it a bunch. My dad is obsessed with Dolly Parton in a really disgusting way. I have a, just, you know, not, just something to think about. Just ponder on this a minute. You are too. Can't top that. That is our show, everybody. I'm just gonna be

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