Matinee Monday: Mortal Kombat (w/ Cameron Esposito)
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Now, there's not much to say about this next movie except for... We saw Mortal Kombat, so you know what that means. Let's go in the mediocrity of subpar art.

Hello people of Earth and welcome to How Did This Get Made? I am Paul Scheer joined as always by Jason Mantzoukas. How are you Jason? Oh boy, fine I guess. Just watched this movie.

And June Diane Raphael. How are you, June? I'm good. How are you, Paul? Very good. We have a very special guest today. Please welcome Cameron Esposito. How are you, Cameron? Oh, I'm feeling great. I mean, this one is like in my wheelhouse. So thanks for choosing this one for me. June, do you want to reveal to the audience what you just said as we were putting the mics on? And I said, I feel like, let's try and recreate it. Well, maybe we could do this. We could actually just play because we did roll. Let's just roll what just happened. Okay, let's just drop it in.

I didn't play this game. I never played it either. Fuck, we're all... But I did do the research to try to figure out... Good for you, no one. Well done. Just be like, you know what? Is this a thing in the... You know, so it's pretty cross-referenced for me. I just didn't know there was a game. Okay, so there it was. Okay, so there it was. And what we just realized is that June went through this whole movie not realizing it was based on a video game. Well, to be fair, I did write down at one point, this sounds like a video game.

Sounds like it. It sounds like the noises, the soundscape of it. Oh, some of it actually is. When Reptile comes in, that's actually from the game. Okay. So, Gail nailed it. It does sound like the score of a video game, like even what you just played. No, but the thing is, that song... It did sound familiar, Mortal Kombat. Those words together sounded familiar. Yeah, they sounded like something. But you just remembered them from fighting to the death, right? I don't know. Just from my own personal experience. The general experience of fighting to the death. I did know that's a...

familiar phrase or saying I just didn't know I'm laughing because I didn't know where it was from wait you didn't know so in your mind Mortal Kombat you were you just thought well this is a very large cast of characters and it seems to do it seems to be nothing but mano y mano fight sequences I

I have a lot. I sat down and said, guys, I don't even know what to say about this movie. You stormed out of our living room three times going, this movie irritates me. And you walked out. I had a very bad reaction to it. I didn't know what it was. We get it. You guys have a living room. Come on.

Now, I will say, I know a lot of people out there will be upset. Like, oh, come on. Well, you don't know the game and the game. And I played this game. Not so much that I would know all these details, but enough that I understand it. But screw you guys who are going to be upset about this. It's a movie. It's a movie. We're judging it from that. And here's the thing. If you have particular fondness for this movie because it pushes a button of love for you of playing this game, I need you to understand that.

This movie is very bad. This movie is like... And if you love this game, you should actually kind of hate this movie because... Yes. Now, I never played this game either, but I did live in the world at the time. And that's fair. And that's fair. I mean, this is like every roller skating rink growing up. It's like a big arcade game. They were words that sounded familiar. It was like Duck Hunt, then like that Rampage game where you turn into a bigger ape, you know, if

Oh, yeah, that was a good one. I like that. Here's what I'm realizing. I mean, to bring this back to June, one of her most famous quotes, you don't really even understand Street Fighter, and you didn't understand that that was a game. I didn't know that was a game. Now, my relationship to video games growing up was this. What do you know about video games? My next-door neighbor...

had Nintendo. And the games I played were the game where you had to cross the street in a little... A frog crossed the street. A frogger? That's not a Nintendo game. Why did you let her off the hook? Way too fast. Was it an Atari? It was an Atari. It was not a Nintendo. I want to go back to what you described. A frog that was in a cart?

That's true. Now I want to go back. Did you think when you were playing that the frog was also in a car just going perpendicular to traffic? I knew there were frogs in cars. I couldn't remember exactly how they related. She played Frogger. What was the other game? That was one of the best games on Nintendo. Also, that Sonic the Hedgehog game was pretty good on Nintendo, too. I didn't play that. I've heard of Sonic the Hedgehog. Oh, you have? I played Frogger. I've played Oregon Trail. I've played...

I've played, which I know that's on the computer. I played Solitaire. Those are the two games that I have played. And I'm Mario Brothers. I've played those games. When I went to an arcade or, you know, some sort of event with roller skates or whatever,

I would see the video games. I wouldn't even go near them. Really? Why? I'm not... I wasn't interested. This is why you get so angry when you see, like, things like Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto because you've gone from Oregon Trail to Grand Theft Auto 5. I have no interest in that. That's a part of life like I never had any interest in. Oh, I spent...

Weeks worth of my life getting quarters and playing video games in an arcade. When I grew up, you could go to Paladin, an arcade in my area, with your report card, and they would give you a dollar's worth of tokens for every A you got. Wow. That's kind of great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I played Pinball Machines.

Wait, wait, what do you want? Do you want a cookie for that? I'm just trying to think of other things that are okay. Like when you were at the pizza place waiting? Yes, skee-ball. Okay, so you're into like old-timey fare. Yes, I've never played another game. You played one of those video games where you put the coin in and you spin the dial and you see a moving picture. Like that's a video game that you like. Or like you put a quarter in and just like a monkey dances in the thing. I'm 72 years old.

I don't get through with your newfangled games. These words sounded familiar to me, Mortal Kombat, but I didn't know what the source material was. The reason I said that about the video game fans being mad is because the whole thing with that game was that it was super violent. It was like the first mega violent game and they had the spine rip. There's a spine rip move in there. Yeah, you could rip out a head and the spine would be dangling. I think actually that game is the reason that games have ratings.

I think that's true. I think you are right. And this movie was originally to be an R-rated movie so they could embrace the one thing that is defining about it, which is the supreme violence of the game. So the basic premise of the movie where mortals are fighting...

who have magical powers. I would say that this is a part of... That's the basic premise of the game, too. I would say that this is part of the movie that I'm a little bit unsure of. As a game player, I felt like there was a tournament, but it seemed like there were certain people who were not... The tournament didn't seem like the rankings. I couldn't follow a ranking system. I was like, oh, now they're out, but did they win? It just seemed like good guys versus bad guys. But yet they were all there. Couldn't tell who... Like, why were the people who were brought...

arbitrarily good guys or bad guys. Right. And I'm assuming then that some of the good guys killed other good guys, I think, in the beginning rounds. Well, to me, it's like, I feel like this movie was missing that chart that they had in The Karate Kid where they kind of just moved up the name LaRusso so you got to see what was happening. Here, there was no ranking system. Or like a round robin or like a bracket sort of a tournament thing. Because at one point, Sang Sum, the bad guy, he was like, well... Oh, the guy from Iron Chef? Yeah. Yeah.

Did anybody else think that he was just like the host of Iron Chef? Like that guy, they both overact so much in the most hilarious way. Every time he would get up and make those big declarations, it's like at the beginning of Iron Chef where the guy tells everybody what the secret ingredient is.

Not America, because that's the guy's nephew. But the original Iron Chef, where the guy had such dramatic flair, this guy was that guy. Well, this guy was amazing, because also when he said something in the movie, he would do this. He'd be like, well, now if you win this match, I can either challenge you or I can challenge someone else. Well, that's not a good effective tournament. That doesn't mean anything.

Everybody just gets to make shit up. I think the mortal part also really comes into play because there's a couple times when that person does not die and then the sang-sung just comes in and sucks their soul out. And is like, well,

I'll go ahead and clear this up. Basically, he always is winning because Sang Sung is like... He basically is... If I'm mispronouncing it, I'm sorry. But he just... So he gets all the souls regardless, no matter who wins in these fights. Is he collecting souls? What I couldn't understand was, was he collecting souls in order that...

In order to make himself unbeatable so that if it got down to it and he needed to fight to win the 10th victory, which does happen, he has at his disposal all of this sorcery. He can recall the souls that he's stolen to fight on his behalf. I want to talk about this stuff. I know we don't normally jump ahead, but at the end when he does have to call up all the souls, I do love that they all kind of pop

out of the ground like through little circles like a Britney Spears concert they all are shooting up from beneath the stage and I was like I wish I was on set for that day when these big muscle bound men were forced to be shot through holes like it did not go well that was the best part of last year's Super Bowl is when Beyonce was joining it was exactly like that moment for me we were like I can't believe Destiny's Child is here back from the

And there's a little bit of a stutter step because you're being rocketed into the air. And worse, they are being shot through like fake brick. Yes. But here's what I don't understand. So when he would take, I don't know any of these characters' names. I couldn't understand them here. Well, it was harder too because they didn't say them ever. Just kidding. Everybody called everybody by their first and last name in every occurrence. When Lord Raiden came on, they said Lord Raiden about a million, if you did a drinking game every time they said the name Raiden. I couldn't commit any of them to memory. But,

So when that guy was taking souls... Yes.

Were those people then dead to never be heard from again? Yes. Or did they then become his because of what I thought was happening? I'm sure this is all in the video game again. Well, no, no. We got to treat this like a movie. We're treating it like a movie. Was that those people were becoming his sort of slave army that was there? But that was unclear too. I don't think so. It's pretty confusing. Because Sub-Zero and Scorpion were under his spell. Because they seemed pretty soulless. Yeah. You mean the guys that ripped their faces off to reveal skeleton heads full of bugs and worms? Yes.

Oh, those guys. Yeah, they also... Oh, cool, got it. Yeah, those guys who are from Halloween 3 who also have faces of bugs and worms. That's like a real potent image, I guess, is like a head that opens and erupts into bugs and worms. I always think about who is the bug handler that's like, gotta get on set...

Like 5 o'clock that morning and just be like, hey, the roach is on top of the worm, but for continuity we need worm on roach. So if you could just get in here. Then you need somebody in the skull, though, going like, they need some sort of push more through. We got to get him out. It's like that Play-Doh spaghetti thing, you know, where you shoot the Play-Doh out. I do think, and I'm willing to say this now, that we should have an episode where we interview a Hollywood bug man.

If you are a Hollywood bug man, please. I've met a few animal wranglers. I can't believe I'm going to go on record and say this, but they're usually, they're strange animals.

I'm sorry, you can't believe you're going to go on record as saying Hollywood animal wranglers are strange people? It's a certain personality that is strong for that field. I'm going to say 90% of the time, they are not animal trainers. They are animal owners that just happen to want their animal. We had a snake trainer in the league. They're like, oh, you can't train a snake. They're training a snake was hitting it with a stick.

and the snake was like vomiting and shitting all over the floor. I was on a Marin episode where they had a cat wrangler and let me, allow me to throw something out there. She had a belt on and on part of the utility belt was just a little like a tiny Pringles can sort of a thing and it was rewrapped in brown paper and it said on it like liver snaps. And so she not only put it onto a belt but she also

She's like a Batman. She's a Batman ring. She's a cat man. Cat woman. She had a cat with a liver snap area that was labeled. That's how I knew it was an airman. Well, she didn't want to be reaching for liver snaps when she was reaching for something else. Oh, yeah. It would be confusing. Yeah, no, but to be fair, if you handle bugs for a living and you're a fan of the show and want to come on and tell us what's up with that, please come on. We will talk to you. We want to know.

I will also talk about this movie came out in 1995, and it was at the beginning of CGI, which is amazing because it's before people have learned how to react to it appropriately. Because CGI in this movie, the way they're reacting is not mimicking what is actually happening. It's like if something is flying by their face, it's like, whoa! Oh!

Like their reactions are so big. And it's so cool to see, well, I love, I love like effects stuff. And what I love about this is Goro's character. Oh yeah. Wait, who's Goro? He's the guy who has many arms. Four arms. Oh, four arms. That's what I called him in my notes. Yeah, I called him old.

forearms and he they clearly use like because it's just the beginning of cgi they clearly use a bunch of different methods to make him like some shots where it's just like an arm in front of the camera being like hey uh can you just get that arm over here and then like there's other shots where it's clearly a guy standing on like another guy's shoulders and there's just so many composite there's like i think there's maybe even claymation there's definitely ray hausen was definitely involved oh the miniatures in this are amazing of different and i always

I love that from this time period. It's like very... Terminator 2 did it the best, but this is like... It feels more... This time period where they're trying to smash a couple things together. It's like right where Clash of the Titans meets Terminator 2. It's sort of like they just don't know which side to go on. But I want to talk about Goro, the forearm guy.

You're led to believe that this is a character. I know we're going out of order, but is there an order? It's just a series of fights. If I hear that song one more time, I will put a bullet in my head.

That was... See, this plays for 80% of the movie. I wanted it to play for 90%. This and like... Get over here! Fatality.

And it's just, it was insanity. At a certain point, I was like, you can't just play this song and have fights and call it a movie. I want more. I got excited in my house because I was like, yeah. Because at least...

Gave me some energy. I can't believe I don't listen to that song when I'm at the gym. I want it every month. I want it all the time. It's the best song of all time. You are wrong. You guys are very, very wrong. I think that they wrote that song ahead of time the...

whoever put that it's like somebody actually cool Lords of Acid or something yeah it is so that song is not in the video game that is like their song and then they put in the Mortal Kombat scream like how when Bruce Springsteen did that Mortal Kombat that song that's in whatever the fuck that movie is with what the fuck is that movie where Tom Cruise leaves the

Cast away. It doesn't matter. But they put the sound effect in. Jumper's the volcano. And like ruined, that's their song. And now forever for the rest of their lives. I couldn't stop thinking about like if you made that song and then now the only thing people remember is like they're going to scream that in your fucking face for the rest of your life. Well, here's one thing I will tell you that that album went platinum. The Mortal Kombat soundtrack went platinum in less than two weeks. For sure it did. Why?

Because everyone loves it. I'm willing to say. I'm buying it now. I'm willing to say that song was terrible. No, it was great. It was exhausting is what it was. All right. So I want to talk. Oh, go ahead. I was going to ask as a fan of the video games. Did you guys like the video game? I love the video game. I didn't play it. You never played it? I loved it. Was it satisfying to watch? No, no, not at all. No, it's not satisfying as an narrative. It was one of those games where like two people squared off. It's like a button smasher. Yeah. And you just do different combinations and it's like pshh.

And were the characters like the actor? The cool thing about the video game from my memory of it was it was video. So the characters were not animated. Really? They brought in actors and so they were real people. And that was a cool thing. So the world looked very much like a video game, but the characters looked like real people.

What's the difference between this and Final Fantasy? Wasn't that the same thing? Final Fantasy is a whole different thing. Tekken is more akin to this. What was the other two-person... Street Fighter. Oh, Street Fighter. So Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat were like... So these were the competing enemy games. Okay, got it, got it. Now...

Oh, everybody is flipping out right now. Oh, they're mad. Everybody's like, how the fuck do you not know what this is? Do some fucking research. Do some research. Guys, talk to me when they make a game out of Pitfall. A movie. Or a movie about a frog in a car. I would watch that. Or a Q-Bert movie.

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Can I ask a quick question? Oh, yeah. What was Sonia... Was her name Sonia or Sasha? Sonia. What was their occupation in the real world? Special forces. Sonia is like a policeman. She's got the shotgun in the beginning. It is confusing why their job description involves... Because it feels like maybe they work for the government. But like deep ops where you just run into space. Where you're just like...

my job is to run at this ship. I have the video. I don't have any connection to anybody else. Wait, I have a real question. Who is her boss? But her boss is the guy that she's with, the guy she's with who doesn't get on the boat. When she runs towards the boat, he goes, he literally says it in this tone of voice, like,

Hey, Sonia, don't get on that boat. Don't get on that boat. So like, oh, well, oh, well, there she goes. Maybe he's the guy that has to go back to their boss. Just like, I don't know. She ran into some mist. She got into a fog boat. She got it, yeah. But why did the other guy, sorry, I don't know any of their names. Why did the other guy want to fight her so badly? Who, Metal Face? Not Metal Face. I don't know. By the way, this you want to know. This is from the Mortal Kombat wiki.

Sonya Blade is a female soldier who's a member of the Earth Realms Special Forces Unit known as the Outer World Investigation Agency. The OIA. And so she's sort of like a DEA agent of the outer world. Like a men in black. Yes. Sort of a predictive of that. Yes. What? What?

Okay, that's really... But when the other guy says, I don't want you to harm her, I just want you to humiliate her. Oh, oh, you mean... What was that about? The head bad guy, the bad guy. Yes, the main bad guy. Saying some. There's like a rape setup going on there. Really, really disturbing. Pretty over the top.

That was her humiliation? Well, they took her out of her short shorts, which she was fighting in her short shorts, and then they kind of dressed her in like a princess outfit for no real fair reason. Couldn't figure that out. But I was like, was he like softening her up so he could like blast her? Like, what's the deal? Oh, did he? Did he?

Something was very wrong about that. Yeah. In a weird way. And then the friends come and save her, and the guy who's been flirting with her the whole time goes, nice chest. Nice chest? No, no. He says nice dress. Dress. Oh, I thought he said nice chest. Nice dress. And I thought to myself, on earth says chest.

Who would be like, instead of saying nice tits or whatever, who would be like, hey, nice chest. I will say that this is my issue with that character. Everyone that was there was a fighter of some kind, right? But everyone was protecting her like, oh, let's not beat her up. Let's not touch the girl. But she was a fucking very good fighter. Well, they brought her there because she was a good fighter. I was happy she at least got some punches in the face. Like, that's nice to see when there's a chicken...

I do think, though, she is like the Angelina Jolie variety of female fighter. Yeah, but that's what I had a problem with because she was really, all of a sudden, she was like this woman in distress. Whereas she had been such a badass the whole time. I agree. And she was screaming and flailing about. It was very strange. And by the way, if you want to know who was up for this role originally, Sharon Stone.

Oh, and who was the woman that played it? This is actually Pete Sampras' wife. Her name is Bridget Wilson Sampras. And Dina Meyer, also from Battlefield, or Starship Troopers. Those are the two that turned it down. Do you guys recognize her from Billy Madison? Yes, that's what I remember. She's like the hot chicken Billy Madison. That was a formative person. Oh, yeah, 100%. You know, like the hot chicken. Yeah, she was like... And by the way...

She seems so humorless to me as a character. Like, at one point they make a joke, like, about, I wrote it down, like, she's always taking that Johnny Cage's jokes as being, like, serious. Yeah, serious. She doesn't get humor. Yeah, like. Like, apparently her partner was killed by Kano, right? Her partner's killed by Kano. And from that point forward, she only has, like, a bloodlust for revenge.

and cannot entertain jokes, cannot crack a smile. All she wants, she will shoot up a nightclub, she will do whatever it takes to kill Kano and then she snaps his leg, his neck with her legs. And I was like, this is some cold ass shit right here. I feel like it's more like an anti-feminist, like women that fight are not

fun. Like, they're not nice to you. They're not nice. I agree. And I felt like they shot that fight scene in, I mean, I did appreciate that she got punched in the face a few times. Me too. Thank God. But they really did shoot it in, like, these weird close-ups that, like, you never really saw her. No, no. And I slowed it down. It was not a fight scene. I slowed it down because I wanted to see him connect. Oh,

She did all of her own fights. All of her own stunts. And that showed, though. But how could you have slowed it down? Because the fight sequences in this film were already so slow. I disagree. The slowest telegraphed punches. That was so crazy to me. Because they would always slow it down. I was like, but you're not doing anything. Like when she flips over that guy, I was like, why are you slowing down this flip? It's not like she's moving so quickly. Many people were able to duck. That was a big move to get away from. Also,

And every punch is very easily blocked because it is set up and then very slowly executed. Yeah.

Dude, like the special kind of magical moves, they give them like plenty of time to set up where it's like, I'm calling to the gods. Ice thing is forming in my hands. Like stay over there and look at it with your eyes. Can I ask this? Why wasn't any of the, why weren't any of the mortals, like why wasn't Johnny Cage or Liu Kang or Sonya or any of these people?

when there was a four-armed man, when people could summon electricity. I mean, as far as we know, as far as we know, this is not a world that they were accustomed to. Johnny Cage was not like, oh, I know there's an other world. And by the way, it wasn't also made clear if the boat was in the air because there was so much fog or if they were on the water. Do you know when he...

looks and the compass is going crazy or whatever. Do you think they were on the Lost Island? I thought they were on the Lost Island. John Locke was one of the fighters. How fucking awesome would it have been on Lost if they just walked by and like there was a Mortal Kombat happening in the background. The others were just like, like, like,

It's all those other... If, like, the man in black and Titus Welliver, or Titus Welliver and the other guy there, when you flash back to them, they are just mortal combatants. It was never a polar bear. It was Sub-Zero the entire time. Well, it did seem like, even if they didn't know this world existed, they were very used to the idea of, like, magic and...

Why? That wasn't new information for anyone. But I think it was new information. I think it was supposed to be too. But it should have been. They were so jaded. You guys, you could tell that they were surprised because of their sassy joke.

Whenever Johnny Cage was like, that's just how he interprets the world. He's just like, oh, this again? I gotta carry my bags to the other world? Johnny Cage is my favorite character. And his love relationship with Sonya was not ever set up. I think what they wanted was that Sam and Diane type of... But then all of a sudden he's like, I'll never let you get out of my sight. And I was like, wait, did we miss a fight? I want to talk about... You belong to me now, woman. He was throwing his autographed picture...

At the end of that fight. How about wearing the sunglasses to the other fight? Those are $500. This was during a time, though, I feel like in the early 90s, there was this real sort of like a lot of actors in movies were portrayed as just the

the worst douchebags in the world. It was during that time where it was like, if you were a movie star in a movie playing a movie star, you were getting handled pretty... A horrible person. We also need to go back to the fact that the whole reason he's there is because he definitely reads tabloid articles about himself. Even when they're in Chinese. Yes, the tabloid article... His character's arc is that...

The tabloids are saying that he is a fake karate fighter. He's like, I can't stand it. I'm a good karate fighter. And that's why he goes. Can I actually play this clip from the movie when his master comes to tell him to fight in this tournament? You'll get a sense of the movie here. Let's take a listen. I see the press is still giving you a hard time. Yeah, they think I'm a fake. Johnny, you're one of the best martial artists in the world, and I can help you prove it. Prove it? How?

A tournament. The tournament. It's held once a generation. The best fighters in the world are invited. You win the tournament, you win the respect. They'll tell the entire world that you're the real goods.

That is the premise. I wish, though, at the end of the movie we had seen, you know, printing presses putting out some new articles. Because it really didn't seem like the word was going to get out. Maybe in the sequel. Maybe in the sequel. The sequel does pick up right after this movie. Before we get away from Johnny Cage, because there's something very important, did you guys notice anything about that director that was directing the movie? Oh, yes. Who did it look like? Oh, the director? Yeah. Steven Spielberg.

Right. Now, did you be very surprised to know that apparently Steven Spielberg is a big Mortal Kombat fan and was supposed to make an appearance as the director in the movie, but scheduling conflicts forced him to back out at the last minute. Wow. So he was lined up. Steven Spielberg could have been in this movie. That would have been unbelievable. I wonder if he's bummed listening to this show right now. He listens, right? He listens all the time. You know, I also think that somebody should tell Johnny Cage about PR. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Just like, just like let him clue him in. You know, like you can get people that, cause he's kind of going for this like kind of word of mouth element. Yeah. That I feel like, you know, it's like invite some reporters on set and just have them watch you actually do it. Cause he is actually. Yeah. There's nothing about like, it's very easy to prove that you're not a fake. Yeah. Do an expo. Do like a martial arts expo. Right. Anything. Show people. Really anything. Almost anything. That would be the only, that would be the easiest to find. Or to be honest.

Enter a difficult to locate and or prove exists other world fighting competition that nobody is aware of. With no specific name. Right. In the hopes that the people there will then spread the word. Yeah, they're going to talk about it. But for all intents and purposes, that is impossible. Because everyone will be dead.

Except for the one winner in theory. To be fair to this film, we will say that the guy was a face shifter. It was actually Shang Tsung who came there and pretended to be his old man. He was tricking all of these people into coming to fight by appealing to their problems. But still, the premise of why he went...

remains the same. Well, look, if your teacher, if your sensei told you there's a thing, you might go. You may not ask him too many questions. How come none of the guys from Cobra Kai were there? They're not the best fighters. Yeah, they're not. But again, does anyone... All right, so this is my question, and this may be infuriating people at home.

Is there a reason? I don't understand. My idea would be that there would be somebody from every realm, and then whoever won the tournament would then be able to take over all the realms. You're now kind of describing the plot line of Ed Brubaker and Matt Fraction's Iron Fist series, which is...

Multiple realms each have a fighter and all those fighters have to fight each other. Okay. And they all have special powers about which pertain to each of their places of origin. Got it. Which is a way better version of this. Yes, kind of like Last Airbender, which was, again, one of the worst movies we've ever seen in our entire lives. I think we could even take this one step back, though. Even the way that the people in this movie are delivering the word fighter makes that sound like it is a baby. Yeah.

Did anybody, was anybody like, he's a great fighter. In the movie, the fighter, that sounds like a tough thing to be. In this movie, it sounds like a vague description of nothing. Where are they fighting? He's a fighter?

a fighter. He's going to fight. And it's also such a weird assemblage of people. Like an actor, a, I don't know what John. A special ops person. Yeah. What a Luke Kang. I don't really understand what he does besides tucking shirts into jeans. Oh my God. But we have yet to touch upon who I found to be the most bizarre person in this movie, which was Christopher Lambert. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I mean, there's a fucking Highlander in this movie. There's a Highlander. And,

And he, Lord Raiden, and he- What's going on? Who is he? Is he cross-eyed? No. Well, it would be hard to know if he's cross-eyed because you can't stop thinking about his accent. His right accent. You can't focus on his face because you're trying to close your eyes to figure out where he's from. I can't tell if he has an accent or is talking baby talk the whole time. It was such a, it was a fascinating performance, though. Yes. I will give him this. I really could not take my eyes off of it. Tell me more.

Every time he was on screen, because I really did have trouble paying attention to this movie, and so I am a little lost on a lot of this because it really just didn't hold my attention. But when he came on screen, I was...

Well, he's always popping up. He's always popping into everybody's conversations. And then he's presenting stuff and he's like, ah, you're finally learning. But he's never presenting any, like everyone, like who is he setting up? At a certain point, I was like, oh, he's going to train them. He doesn't train them. At a certain point, I was like, oh, he's going to be the Obi-Wan Kenobi. Like he's going to have to fight

the big bad guy. Like Vader and Obi-Wan's fight and sacrifice himself. Nope. He like disappears for them. Is he a character in the video game? Yes. Yes. Of course. I'm assuming everybody is. What does he do in the video game? Shoots those lasers. I think the lasers are his thing or like the lightning. Oh, so he does fight. He has laser eyes. Do you think any part of your fixation with him has to do with his unusual hairline? It's,

Because I think he has one of the more unusual hairlines in movie dumb. Like, it's kind of a Frankenstein. Well, that was a wig, though. Yeah, but, like, any movie you've ever watched is natural. But that's somebody's job to make a wig look good. I mean, you can't just, like, chalk it up. The look on June's face for the line, that was a wig, though, was priceless. Come on, Carly. That was a wig. Sweetheart, that was a wig. Um...

His, I mean, I don't really know what's going on with his hair, but I will say, have seen the Highlander series. Yes. It's as confusing. I agree with this. Should we do Highlander on this show? I think we should definitely do Highlander on this show. Should we just do every Christopher Lambert movie? That should be our live show. Also married to Diane Lane for a very long time. I love Diane Lane. My issue about him too is that it clearly Raiden, or at least when I played the game, was an Asian man, hence the rice patty hat. Yeah. Uh,

And I feel like anyone else wearing a rice paddy hat is offensive. I do feel like, I don't feel like. Also, the wig was like, it's definitely a wig. Listen, that could be a wig or not. I mean, but like. You think he could grow that length and thickness of hair? Yeah, I think he grew that out. Uh-huh, yeah.

No, not in thickness. Welcome back to wig talk with June Diane Rayfield. If you have done a wig for Christopher Lambert, we want to have you on the show. You know what? If you're a working Hollywood wig artist and have worked with Nicolas Cage, Christopher Lambert, or anybody else, please call us. But I do see what you're saying, which is that the wig is following and mimicking a hairline that's already there. But it's just pretty shocking. It's pretty straight across in a way that hair doesn't.

Ever. There is something amazing. I want to talk about, and this I think kind of sums up his character. So Raiden is this character who is, you know, the mentor, the Mr. Miyagi of this, who gives no information. Mr. Miyagi, you can at least look back and go, oh, well, he, the wax on, wax off, taught him this. Everything that Christopher Lambert said doesn't make any sense.

any sense. The best thing I think that sums up this whole character is at the very end of the movie, what he says to these characters that just had a battle to the death. Here, take a listen. I've got to tell you something. You guys did great. What is it? The Emperor. You weak, pathetic fools. I come for your souls. I don't think so.

This is a big violent action movie and he just basically goes, you guys, you guys are so good. I'm so proud of you guys. Great job. Like it's just like, it's such an unclimactic ending of a movie. It's like a ruffling of the hair almost. Yeah. You buddies. And he gives him a little huggy. He did it. And he has the kind of opinion where he's kind of like, I always knew you could do it. I don't want to. But it's like, no, you've had nothing. He didn't.

really assemble these people he has nothing to do with their success no he didn't train them nor did he impart anything of particular value to them I thought he trained Liu Kang yeah didn't he I mean and by the way that was how the movie was supposed to end with him just going I gotta tell you guys something you did great credits and then they added on a little bit more because I think it tested so poorly that they were like whoa that's you can't end well and all those children ran out we

Where were those children from? Where did those kids come from? Was it a school let out on this crazy, mysterious island in Bizarro Land? Again, I'm not quite sure if this island existed on Earth. Maybe those were the kids who were going to spread the word about the actors. Well, he's got that army on the islands, and they've got to fuck something. So there must be concubines, and those girls get pregnant, and those kids no doubt become the next wave of the slave army. It's like the army that Khaleesi hires.

So that's the baby of the Khaleesi. You could cut a nipple right off. I did like Princess Katana. Anyone? Yeah. I thought it was pretty confusing that she fought, what's his name? Liu Kang. Little puff hair. Yeah. And then nothing happened.

How was that not... They fought for a second, but it was not to the death. When she was telling him what to do. They were just goofing around. What was going on there? That's the other thing I have an issue with this movie. Sometimes they're tournament fights, and other times they're just fighting. It's like when that army attacks the three of them when they're snooping around the mysterious mountain. That's not a fight that's on record. That's sort of like an extracurricular fight. And why did they keep on saying that it was going to be...

there were going to be terrible consequences if she got together with, what is his name? Didn't they also say she was 10,000 years old? Yeah, she's 10,000 years old. She was great. What? Oh, she was looking great. Her wig was great. You know what I mean? She was a great wig worker. No way that she is 10,000 years old. You don't know how supernatural powers affect. It could be the opposite way, you know? Like Mork and Mindy, Jonathan Winters was a baby, but he was an old man. That's interesting. R.I.P. Jonathan Winters. R.I.P.

Can we talk about the set design a little bit, too? All the sets look like an expensive but shitty... How about the crazy stairs that Johnny, what's his name, fights Yellow Guy on? Guy in yellow suits. I think this looks like a He-Man playset.

that you had at your house that they were like, does anybody have anything they could bring in? Our budget is low. Well, it was like, this is somebody who makes a home haunt. It looks pretty good. It's like, we'll put some purple light here. You can't really tell if that's a refrigerator. The grapes are eyeballs. Stuff that looks like cobwebs and a couple of fake skeletons. The most upsetting thing was when that guy was eating...

The chicken wing. The cyborg guy? Yeah, the turkey leg, whatever the hell that was. It was disgusting. I hate mic'd food sounds. It was disgusting. I found that really sexy, actually. The amount of food on that table. And why was he by himself and not at the banquet? Well, because that was the scene where they needed to send up all the exposition of the entire movie. They? Oh, yeah.

He said everything in that entire scene. It was crazy. But also that banquet that he's having follows the banquet where they bring in a ton of food. Yes. Crab. Then they throw all the food on the table.

food on the ground. I'm just being kidding. That just seems to be not right. It's kind of like, welcome everybody. We're going to have this great tournament where we fight to the death. It wasn't the dessert. It was literally, they served it, flipped over every table, and then one fight happened where a guy just shot an ice bolt at this guy, and that was it. And now everybody go to bed. Everybody go to bed. It was like the worst first night at Hogwarts. Yeah.

You know, when all the food arrives. I thought it was like an Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom thing you thought would be like... Monkey skulls? The monkey's a monkey. I guess that's what they were trying to show, like the cruelty of them not even getting into food and then this guy, you know, having that entire...

Yeah. Table to himself. I really was trying so hard and oftentimes to tell, like, who are the bad guys exactly? I don't know. And what are their... What is their... Like, Kano and Forearms would, to me, seem to be the henchmen for the main bad guy. But they were just meeting for the first time in that scene. So I was like...

What the fuck is this? Who? Wow. And this only happens once a generation. And was the 10,000-year-old woman, like, a bad guy who was helping the good guys? I think that they were, like, keep an eye on the 10,000-year-old bad woman because she's the only one who could possibly defeat me. So she was an ally. So they needed to use the clear CGI character, which was another amazing... Oh, the salacious crumb character? They have this, like, little reptilian, like, this little lizard. And...

that's one of my favorite scenes in the movie when the main bad guy goes up to like a lizard statue like keep your eye on her and take a look at her and you don't know what's going on then he fully exits frame so that the statue can come alive and be like a many toothed terrible monster and it

It is interesting, just to go back to the Goro scene, when he's introduced and you see him for the first time and they're eating and he's not eating because obviously he's got great abs, so he's really restrictive. Oh, totally. It's just a very high protein and he has to work out twice a day. And before seven. I think absolutely. But then also whenever they do close-ups of his hands, what I love about his hands is that they look like the exact same gloves that the Ninja Turtles make.

Totally. War in that Ninja Turtles. They're weirdly the exact same thing. I think they just sprayed them. I think they just sprayed them down. They were like, cut off one of those fingers. I think the Ninja Turtles have four. Amazing. These guys have three. This guy has three. But otherwise, it was like a real recycled look that I appreciated. I wish I could have seen him actually hold a drumstick. Also, when it's a man in the suit, he does this one move where he raises his arms above his head and

And the two sets of arms are connected. Yes. So when he raises one set, the other set automatically goes. It's very cheap costume design. And so they repeatedly go back to him, and all he's doing is just raising his arms above his head. But the second set of arms is very meekly following the first. It's amazing. Well, I've got to say, I didn't feel like they used and capitalized off of those four arms. I mean, there was that fight scene. But that fight scene... Okay. Okay.

So he's built up as this big guy. He's like the unbeatable guy. They're like, oh, we're all going to get killed by forearms. And so Johnny Cage immediately just punches him in the dick and

Is he wearing sunglasses at that point? The glasses have been broken. At which point, Christopher Lambert punches a guy in the arm and he goes, yes! And then he goes, I'm sorry about that. And I felt like that was one of the biggest reveals of the movie was that Goro is anatomically correct. Because I was like, no way. I was like, no way this guy's got a dick. But here's my issue. I didn't think so, yeah. He punches him in the dick and he goes down like, ooh! And then...

Goro is literally doubled over for, I would say, a good 15 to 20 seconds. Johnny Cage does nothing else. No, Johnny Cage... He could just... He runs upstairs and decides to create this other plan of running off a cliff. But it's like, the guy is... He has the upper hand and does nothing. Nothing. You're absolutely right. It is...

It is a fight that is... There's so much buildup, I feel like, to Goro fighting any of our heroes, what we think are our heroes. Oh, there are heroes. There are ours, I think. You know, I feel a certain ownership of them. You know, Johnny, Liu Kang, Sonya. Sonya, love them all. Princess Katana, too. I mean, she's complicated, but she's ours. I couldn't tell exactly if she's... But I felt like she was one of us. Anyway, so Johnny Cage is like, you know what? I'm going to fight Goro.

And they're like, what? You're going to get killed? And he's like, I've got a plan. And his plan is punch him in the nuts and then lure him outside so you can throw him off a cliff. What? And by the way, it didn't seem like he knew that that cliff was there. The fight is such a letdown. By the way, when you have somebody that injured, just go to town. Go to town.

Maybe he was a fake. But it is nice to see the device of somebody falling off a cliff and then the shot from above like the extra arms. Love that. When we've seen it before, like when the Beast fell off the tower in Beauty and the Beast, like he only has... Spoilers. Spoilers for Beauty and the Beast. No, when Gaston falls off, he only has two arms because he's like a human person. But this guy forms this kind of extra thing. It's nice. And I love that they had the little callback there because Johnny Cage like...

he's so upset with this movie that he's on because none of the extras are falling down at the right time. Oh yeah. Right. And he goes, now you fall. And then you get to say it again to Gorham. This back to school season, spend less on your kids with Amazon. Now here's the thing. I,

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Okay, you say, I want some breakfast. Your so-called boyfriend says, we got eggs in the fridge. Obviously, when you say breakfast, you mean McDonald's. Definitely a side-eye situation. Bring home the bacon, steak patty, or others with a BOGO for $1 breakfast. Only in the app. Limited time only at participating McDonald's. Valid once a day. Must opt into rewards. Visit McDApp for details. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

Where do you think he put all of his luggage? Johnny Cage. Well, that was a great runner. Where did they stay? I don't know. What were their barracks like? He brought no less than eight suitcases. Eight Louis Vuitton suitcases. Louis Vuitton square boxy suitcases. It was like a Kate Winslet gets to the Titanic situation. Yeah.

But that was the weird thing about that character. He alternated between being like, I am not just an actor. I'm a fighter. But yet he was also a diva-y actor at certain points, too. I couldn't quite get a handle on him. And I thought that that struggle within him was going... He was going to have to come to terms with that. June, you brought me to one of my biggest points. This movie is all about...

inner demons versus outer demons. Oh, shit. But he never really wrestled with that. He was never confronted with his own vanity versus his wanting to be the real thing. Was he? I think when the woman is wearing the dress, for some reason, was that a... Was he? Genuinely asking, did I miss a scene? We didn't make this movie. Stop yelling at us. Sorry.

Because that would be how his character would finally come to terms with his- Well, Christopher Lambert tells them all- What their demons are. What is holding them back from achieving true excellence and being the best. And he goes one by one and is like, you are afraid that the prophecy is true, Liu Kang.

You are afraid to be whatever, he says to Johnny. He says to each one of them, and you're like, oh, okay, I guess they're all going to have to individually conquer these weaknesses in order to be stronger. Nope, not really. Okay, wait, what? The movie's over? Okay, great. I fucking hate this movie. That just made me think, I didn't realize this watching it, but now that we're talking about it, that means that he came back, so the whole reason he's there is so he can talk to people about the tournament. Do you think he came back and he was like, you guys, he was...

would have seemed his acting career would have been over. The tournament in the underworld. Forearms down the tube. He calls his agent and he's like, get me an interview. In the trade. I took a fog boat with some new friends. I fought a man with forearms who fell off a cliff in a magical city. And a man with a rice patty hat told me my destiny was here. A woman with 10,000 years

I love thinking about those interviews and how well his career must have gone after. Like, well, I guess he proved it. It was before we didn't believe it, but now. But it does prove that there were some people that seemed to be just there as spectators. Like, they were just like, they look like dads to me. Like, dads in jeans are like around. They didn't seem like they were a fighter. Hey, Mitch, you going to the Mortal Kombat fight this weekend? Well, it happens once every generation and my fucking wife will let me out of the house for one weekend. You gotta get out of those. This is gonna be a pretty spectacular fight. Did you hear? Did you hear? Liu Kang is gonna be there. Oh, yeah.

Luke Kang. Yep. His brother just got killed, by the way. Me, Gary, Pete, Luke. We're all going to go. We're all Team Luke Kang. Southwest going there? Southwest does not, but Frontier does. Oh, yeah. We got a real great gig on Frontier. Fog plane? Yep. It flies right into the fog, and you fly right out into the, no, Oceanic Flight 800. Oh, yeah. I'll do it. Oh, shit. I can't remember. 815. 815. Thank you. When Goro shows up to that fight, they pan across this audience that you're talking about, and there's just, most of them are wearing ninja outfits. There's one guy in a flannel. That was it. That was it. That's what I'm talking about.

I saw. Please rewind it. I rewound it twice. I love that. That's hilarious.

As a lesbian, I have to always be on the look for flannels. Where are they at? How do they plan this? You know what? I feel like you know what it was. I feel like they were like, rolling, rolling. Oh, shit. Sound Mikey? What are you doing? You know what? We're just going to have to shoot him in there. He's like, what? I was Mikey-ing over here. Just stay where you are. You're going to be in this shot. Like a guy, like a grip or something.

Was just added to the movie. I need to see this. You have to watch the fight scenes. And they're also in the front. They're like right on the stage. Now it's time for some facts that will, I think, blow your mind because they blew mine. What do you think the budget of this movie was? $75 million. Okay. 1995. Yeah, 1995. $15 million. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to say like $40 million. Okay, $18 million. Really? Okay. Wow.

Weekend gross, opening weekend, $23 million. Wow. Worldwide gross, $122 million. This movie is a giant hit. It was number one at the box office. It was a huge, huge movie. Now, here are some facts that also blow your mind. This movie is imaginary. It never happened. Tom Cruise and Johnny Depp were both considered for Johnny Cage.

Considered. Considered. Of course they were. Cameron Diaz was cast as Sonya Blade, but broke her wrist before the filming started. Jesus, I can't believe that. You know, I would have...

It's so nice whenever her name comes up because she is my namesake. I mean, she's only like two or three years older than me, but my parents renamed me when they heard about her. From the mask? Well, actually, when she was in Seventeen Magazine. Oh, nice. That was her first modeling job. I remember seeing it in the credits in the back. I was like, rename me this, please, Mom and Dad. So, Cameron Diaz, I can't believe you're not in this movie. It would have been so great to see all that underwear dancing that she's known for. Sure.

She has so many underwears. So now Cameron Diaz breaks her wrist. So then they hire Miss Teen USA Kathleen McClellan.

So they get her in the movie. She gets injured. And so then Bridget Wilson is the third person that they cast. Gregory McKinney replaced Steve James as Dax because he died. And then Brandon Lee was then cast as Johnny Cage. And then he died. Oh, no. Jean-Claude Van Damme turned down Johnny Cage to do Street Fighter. I don't know. I would have liked him in this as well. I would have liked him in this. Yeah, me too. But here is the best fact of the whole movie. Now, this goes back to what we talked about earlier.

Apparently, get ready for this. The snake and insect action was monitored by the American Humane Association and commended the film for its responsible and sensitive treatment of even the smallest of Earth's creatures. Oh, God. Wow. So this movie got a special commendation. So the animals were treated well in a movie that was about senseless murder. Oh. Wow.

How do you treat a worm well? I do not know. It's like decent dirt. You keep birds away from it. Good question. Obviously, we had opinions about this movie. Especially if it's an early morning shoot. Yeah. Because those early birds, they really get those worms. I've heard that.

And you can have no apples on set either. No, no, no. How do you keep a bird away from a worm? Is it like a dick punch? Do you think you punch the bird in its bird dick? You know what? Maybe. Although, I don't know how to immediately and rapidly tell the gender of a bird. If you are a bird dick puncher, we want you on the show. If you know how to train birds...

hopefully through abuse of their genitalia, to not go after worms, please give us a call. Once again, we're looking for you to clarify some things we have questions about. All right, so obviously we have an opinion about this movie, but it's now time for a second opinion. Hit the theme song. These are second opinions. From top to bottom, crazy movies are fun.

Okay, so these are five-star reviews, cold from Amazon. One of my favorite reviews of all time is coming up. It's a little bit long, but it's well worth it. Here we go. From Laura S., this is my childhood movie. They have some good fights and some really funny dialogue for understanding listeners. What does that even mean? I don't know. This movie made me interested in wisdom, good looks, and martial arts.

Wow. Wisdom. It made you interested in wisdom. Just interested in it. Just interested. Want to check out that wisdom that everyone's talking about. You know what I'm going to do tomorrow? I'm going to go to the library and I'm going to look up wisdom. Also, good looks. Good looks. Do you think they misspelled wizards? Maybe that's wizards?

All right, now I'm going to read one other. So this one is one of the best video game movies ever made. If you never saw this movie before and you watch it now in 2011, you probably won't like it with its thin and you'll think it's cheesy. But if you remember how sweet this movie was when it came out and you remember Scorpion shooting his grappling hook out of his hand and ripping off his face to reveal a skull that breathes fire, then this is for you. Five stars. God.

Oh, God. I hope this person's at a better place in life. Now, here's another one. The acting, the story, the special effects, everything is just perfect. My favorite scene is when Sonya does battle against Kano, and we see how sexy she is with her nice breast. What? Five stars. Breast? Singular? Singular. You know, that scene did make me feel... Singular breast? With her nice breast. We can see how she is sexy with her nice breast.

I can't believe that's what they were... I mean, she's wearing black jean shorts. That's the look. The short shots, yeah. That's the fucking look in that scene. By the way, the person who wrote this, their screen name is LB Worshipper. So, Pound Worshipper?

I don't know. Chubby Chaser. Now, I... Maybe. Or a very big fan of Lorraine Braca. This is much longer than a normal review, but I came across this one and I felt like it needs to be read. Just read it. Do you want the Mortal Kombat music under you while you read it? I...

You may be distracting, but let's... Okay, we don't have to, because it is very intense. Okay, here we go. This was written on December 26th, 2011. So it was the day after Christmas. Right after. From Caracas, Venezuela. Now, I'll be reading it the way it was written. You'll understand why in just a moment.

I was a fan of the first Mortal Kombat when it came out, and I remember playing it in my 386. When the movie was announced, I almost got an orgasm. And when it came out again in VHS DVD, it was years from being commercial. I don't know what that means. I see the movie once and another and another time. In fact...

This is really bumming me out. In fact, making an interstate trip on a bus, I convinced the girl that works on the bus attending passengers of put the movie on during travel. Yep, I carry the tape with me. So he brought a VHS on a bus. This is very dark. Okay. One day, the tape broke up. This is a suicide note. I'm going to be really upset. One day, the tape broke up. Yep.

Wow.

Of course, I bought it again. And even today, when his effects are really lame compared with actual, I still enjoy a lot of this movie. The end was great, too. And when I see it, I was stunned looking that there will be a second part. But as this time, you must know it was but dot dot dot. Stay away from that.

Unless you are a collectionist of MK stuffs, buy it, but don't watch it because then you will not get desires, but you must punch somebody. Don't know what that means. I think he's basically saying the second movie is not very good. I was happy when I bought the sequel to this. Yes. Called the mortal combat annihilation, which is what we were going to do. But, uh, I heard that we couldn't do that until we saw this one.

I was happy when I bought the DVD. Remember at the end when they're like, uh-oh. Well, I figured, but I didn't know. I knew that's what it was setting up, but I couldn't imagine it was made. It felt like it could have fallen through the cracks. Yeah. Well. It came out many years later. All right, so here's the end of it. Here it goes. I was happy when I bought the DVD, and I see it has Spanish subtitles, because as you must know now from reading my review, my English stinks, but not so much as MK2.

Slam on MK2. Amazing. So I only buy DVDs that have Spanish subtitles and it's like some divinity don't want me to throw my money away. The MK2 movie has not subtitles and I can't really remember what to do with my VHS tape. I really want to believe that I threw that one out the window. Five stars. Wow. This is one of the craziest reviews. It's pretty intense. It's intense and I...

Where is he going? I want to know where he's going on that bus. He's on an interstate trip with a VHS copy, convinces someone to get it. With friends. Finds out it's going to be on DVD. This is after he finds out the movie's coming out. He has an orgasm. Then he gets the DVD. His house is robbed. The DVD is stolen. It's a harrowing tale. Then he finds out about the sequel. He kind of slams the sequel. And then he just wants to let you know that this is a good DVD because it does have Spanish subtitles. And please don't forget that he watched that tape so much that it broke.

It broke. He broke. I'm trying to think of anything. I've not watched anything enough that a tape would have broken. I remember getting worried that my VHS tape of Anne of Green Gables was going to go. Yeah. Like, that it was actually. Because was that something also that you, like, taped off of television? No, that was given to me. It was for sale. Yes. Okay.

Because I remember thinking that about things that I had taped off of television but you couldn't get. Right. I used to tape Saturday Night Live. Right. And I would be afraid that something would happen. I used to fix tapes. Open up the top and you put the thing in. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Guys, this is the classic time. Anything that we missed? Anything that we want to talk about? Oh, man.

Anything? I feel like we covered a lot of it. The one thing I feel like I would be remiss if we didn't talk about is that one scene in the beginning when, uh, uh, Liu Kang decides to go fight in the tournament, monks murmur. He's like, I'm going to fight that tournament. And the monks are like, Ooh, like monks should not be gossiping amongst each other. That seemed like an odd, an odd thing for monks to do to kind of have a little coffee. This movie was so bad. I think that my favorite part of this movie is that, uh,

whatever that guy's name is, Liu Kang, is fighting the big bad guy. Yeah. And the big bad guy turns around about two feet from him and then turns back around and he's his brother. Oh, yeah. If you watch this movie for any reason, fast forward to that part just so that you can see Liu Kang go, wait a minute, I don't...

think you're my brother he just saw him transform and still in his mind he watched him transform yes in his mind there's a chance that that is really his brother and the brother tries to prove it by saying a line that will live with me for the rest of my life which is remember when our parents died if the movie had ended on that I

I would have been a five-star review myself. You would have written it on Christmas Day. I would have written it on Christmas Day. Oh, my God. That was a great little reveal, too. Oh, man, the brother, the dead brother. None of it pays off. None of it. Would you guys recommend? Now, here's the thing. This movie's on iTunes, and you can't even rent it. No. I paid $15 for this movie. I paid nine bucks on iTunes for it. How did you pay nine bucks?

It was only nine bucks on iTunes. I think I paid 15 on iTunes. You got high definition. Oh, yeah. So I bet it looked better. I bet it looked better. It looked amazing. If amazing looks like garbage. So would you guys recommend watching this movie? Never once ever in your life. No. I think you could fast forward and find some fun stuff. I think if you can just find that scene of the brother...

That's going to stick with you. And also that flannel guy. The flannel guy. I mean, he's actually interesting going back to see. This movie's bad. Christopher Lambert, I think his... This movie is bad, guys. There's no movement in this movie. The fights are lateral and boring. I don't necessarily believe in piracy, but somebody should pirate that section and put it on the internet and then all of our problems are solved. Well, it's also like, you know, I mean, this brings a whole thing. It's like...

making a movie out of a video game. They're separate things. Like, I think you can make a video game out of a good movie, but like also trying to do something cool. Like when Luke Kang's move in the video game is like, he flies forward and his legs are kicking really fast. But in this movie, when he's flying forward, he's like almost, he's sitting in his legs are just moving. It's not impressive. It's a, it's, it's almost anything, but it seems like almost like a sketch. Like you would see it on a Saturday night live. If you're going to watch this at this point, watch the raid redemption.

Watch a really good martial arts fighting combat movie that would be like, or any of the Tony Jaa movies or something. I'd recommend Haywire. Sure, watch Haywire. If you like Sonya in this movie, why don't you go watch a real MMA lady? Take some people down to suck. Great, I love it. Does she have a sense of humor? She's a terrible actor, but hey, what the heck? She was on American Gladiators, the reboot.

Well, this has been so much fun. Karen, what do you have that you want to plug and tell us about? So I have two podcasts of my own. Oh, great. And if folks like this, I also do an action and sci-fi movie podcast. What? I didn't know about this. It's called Wham Bam Pow. And that's why I said this is my wheelhouse. I fucking love this shit. So you can do that with Ricky Carmona and Rhea Butcher, who also are both amazing comedians.

comics amazing and then Ria and I also run a show at the UCB on Tuesday nights very good show that is called put your hands together and we put that out as a podcast as well and that is a stand-up podcast in fact it is like the first of its kind it's really awesome amazing in your house at home okay the end what else we got guys anything

Jason, you still in the dictator? Yeah, I'm just getting word now that I'm still in it. Oh, good. That's great, though. Yeah, yeah. My voice has now been dubbed. But your body is still in it. My body is still in it, but I've been told that my voice has been entirely dubbed. All right, that's okay. Way, but with a dog's bark. Okay.

Oh, wow. So my character has now been reduced to being an animal in the movie, apparently. I haven't watched it. It's an interesting performance. My comic book Alien vs. Parker is coming out on February 4th. The trade paperback. Read them all in one sitting. June, what the fuck do you want to talk about? Oh, shit. I don't know.

Oh, did you want to yawn on mic? Don't you have a DVD coming out? Oh, yeah. Ask Backwards is out on DVD January 28th and available on iTunes. There you go. I'll also say go see Ride Along. Oh, yeah. Jason Manzoukas, writer of Ride Along, a huge, huge hit. Yeah. A giant hit. Fantastic. Now, are you going to be riding around like in a helicopter fueled by champagne at this point? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you think I got here? Yeah.

It is not a good technology. Is that actually true? Yes. I did write a version of it. You wrote the first version, right? I wrote the middle version. I flipped out because I walked by one of those big bus ads and I saw your name on the thing. I was like, wait, what? I texted you immediately and did not hear you talk about it. We were vacationing together and didn't even hear you mention it. Nope.

You are a mystery. Yeah, guys. All right. But check it out on my Twitter. No, you do not have a Twitter. I still don't have Twitter. But how did this get made? It has a Twitter. You can follow us at HDD. Oh, whatever. You know the initials of the fucking show. I'm on Twitter at Paul Scheer. At MissJuneDiane. Yeah, and I'm at Cameron Esposito. Great. Not on Twitter. All right. That wraps up the show. And a big thanks to everyone that helps us out here at Earwolf. Brett, our engineer, our amazing people online, our

Avril Haley, who pulls all of our clips. She's amazing. Nate Kiley does a lot of the research. Getting in deep on the Wikipedia pages. Leanna Waldron designing cool shit that goes on our Facebook pages every single fucking day. And Katie Dyer, who runs our official How Did This Get Made Twitter. That's right. We have a How Did This Get Made Twitter. You know that? It's at HDTGM. HDTGM.

Did I say that right? I think I did. All right. So that's all I'm going to say for the end of the show. Thank you, everybody, for listening. Thank you, everybody, here at Earwolf. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye.

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