Matinee Monday: Howard the Duck LIVE! (w/ Kristen Schaal)
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bas.com slash bonkers and use the code bonkers at checkout. It's the classic story of girl meets a duck from another planet and they fall in love, save the world, and stop an interdimensional demon. We saw Howard the Duck, so you know what that means. Now it's time for

Hello and hello people of Largo. So How'd This Get Made Live, we are doing it here in Largo's, our live LA home. So please welcome my two co-hosts, Jason Manzoukas, June Diane Rayfield,

All right. And our very special guest tonight, Kristen Schaal. Wow, wow, wow. Relax. Very excited audience. Well, this, guys, Howard the Duck. What?

I mean, all I know is this. I was not allowed to see this movie as a child because my parents thought it was too adult because there were some duck boobies in it. Sure, right off the bat. I feel like that must have created a lot of really fucked up fetishes for kids. Oh my gosh. You can't see this at home, but I'll put it online. These are the duck boobies I'm referring to.

Yeah. I will say this, though. That is a very bad duck titty job. Like, those are, there's no way those are real. No way. And here's what's weird, thinking back to this. Later on, we learn that, like, ducks are in the process of evolving to humans, right? No, not evolve. They've already evolved. Oh, wait a second. Hang on. Hang on.

Wait, you think that ducks are going to become human beings? Hey, are you... Back. No, the ducks... No. No, no, no. Do you think that this is a stop in the evolution that is eventually going to lead towards humans? Well, yeah. Like it goes from duck to gorilla to us? Well, didn't Tim Robbins say that we came from... We came from...

Right. And they came from ducks. But they're advanced ducks. But eventually they'll look like us? No! No, they're on their own planet. And there's no humans on that planet. Wait, wait. When?

How long do you think until that turns into ice? I don't know. Because they already have everything. They still look like ducks, I know that. But they are at the same evolutionary step that we are. Right? They're just ducks. Like, like, like, they have evolved. Like, we have evolved. They are just human ducks now. So, so, so evolution... Oh my God. Oh my God.

Like, they soar off to, like, immediately. Down the rabbit hole of insanity. I love this. Well, that's the thing is that there's another planet that could be advanced. Ducks. Get it? Right. But it's another planet. But here's where I'm confused. But fine, but when I look at her, I see human breasts. No, no, you don't.

You don't, I assure you, you don't. You see duck breasts. Then you see some sweet, sweet duck titties. - I guess what they're hypothesizing is as they became upright, their boobs came in?

I don't know. You are right. The human boobs are tricky. later on they... Well, Tim Robbins says like, the evolutionary chart is basically from duck to, you know, upright duck with arms, not wings. You know, like a crow, magnan duck, blah, blah, blah. They have all the evolutionary steps. My question is, when will they be us? That's it. I think Judas

- I think that, hold on, because the ducks' beautiful breasts do resemble our beautiful breasts, but the thing about breasts is they're so gorgeous that they are the highest level of evolution for all life forms. So.

Things only evolve to get them titties. I will say to June's point that we've evolved from apes and apes have a chest that is similar to breasts. Yes. And that's where your confusion is. But that's my theory. Which I agree with. Perfect.

I think they just want to... This is not the point that we should be arguing about this film. No, no. This is what we need to begin to... We have to just accept that there are human ducks on another planet. There are, but the craziest thing is on their planet, ducks have evolved into the primary life form, like the primary sentient life form, and have direct analogs to everything we have. No, but this is what drove me nuts. What happened?

Because I hate this. It's like he has a poster for My Little Chickadee, which is like, and it's like starring Mae Nest and W.C. Fowl. Fowl. We don't, we aren't like that. It's not like Mae Human and W.C. Person. No, this movie is a vehicle for duck puns. Like, that's all it is. Like, oh, Willie Waddle is here. And if Howard's last name is Duck, Right.

Wait, but is it? Yes, he has mail. Don't yell at me. Hey, hey, shut it. He is Howard T. Duck. That's it, you're right, you're right, you're right. So is everybody's last name Duck?

That is a tricky one. I guess you could presume that. I mean, if I could get my hands on a phone book, I'd let you know. I know for sure there is somebody named Willie Waddle and May Nest and W.C. Fowle. So we know that. Yeah. So I guess not everyone. Why does he get such supremacy?

Like his name gets to be like the entirety of his species or whatever. Well, maybe his name is like white, like the name white here. Is this a race thing now? Could be. Notice we didn't see any black ducks. That's a good point. I didn't see any black. Did anybody else notice that? Just a planet of white ducks?

He flew through the apartment building and there were no black ducks. Actually, I think when he was watching TV at one point, there was a black duck. There was a black duck. There was? Yeah. You fucking weirdos. Yes, there are a lot of duck puns. They shop at Blooming Duck. He's a master of quack food. But then...

Fast forward, but then when he gets to planet Earth, he doesn't know what pizza is. Yes. That is weird. Well, this is a huge... There are huge inconsistencies because sometimes people see him and are terrified as if a monster is in their presence. And sometimes people see him and are like, what are you in such a rush for, pal? Yeah.

Which is, as far as I can tell, inexplicable. Other times people make such a leap, they go, oh, you're a child and you're in a Halloween costume. I'm cool with this. Yes. What? How did you jump that many steps? And every one of them has to say, what a good costume it is. It's really amazing. I don't know if this movie was made for children or adults. It feels like a very...

This movie was not made for children. There is a boozy, birdy housewife having a glass of Chardonnay with her tits hanging out, diddling herself in the bath. Guess what this isn't for? Fourth graders. That's what it is for. My spank bank.

That was so weird too because the humor is so bad. I mean, this was scary. When I watched this, I was nine years old and I thought this was the best movie I'd ever seen in my life. And now I'm like, did I just have reverse flowers for Algernon or what? Not to say I'm a

genius but i'm a lot smarter than this movie um and that's what's weird too is when leah thompson starts to like seduce him i just love the direction it's like because she must have thought she was in a children's movie you know i've been so confused it's like now you're gonna like hang your tits in front of in front of howard and she's like but this is a children's movie right yeah yeah yeah now put your tits in front of howard you know like she crawls

an underwear and a bra. She looks good. She looks damn good. Damn good. Oh, man. Leah Thompson is in top form here. She is. Well, I mean, basically, just even Howard meets the very hot Leah Thompson in the middle of a rape attack, right? Yep, apparently. Walking home. I love movie representations of punks.

You know, they've got like crazy colors and wild hair and they're like, oh, we're going to rape you now. Well, this is also during that time too where you're like, are these supposed to be teenagers that are just played by 40 year olds or did teenagers look like 40 year olds back then? Like it's very strange. Yeah, teenagers did look like 40 year olds back then and teenagers now look like 11 year olds. And there was one weird

- I remember a weird moment too where one of the punks said, "Oh, you're all high on toot." - Yeah. - Right? - Yep. - It was toot. - And you're a real snot nose. - Yeah, they wouldn't cuss too. And then there was also the Satan sluts, which is totally redundant. - Yeah.

And they're also kind of hair metal-y a little bit. There's a lot of almost punk in here. It's like, punk is a thing, but the music is like, hey, we're playing music on our guitar. The music is like... We like it. I thought for a little bit, I was like, is this either a sequel or a prequel to some kind of wonderful? Because I didn't know, did she break apart from that band and now she's living in Cleveland? Wait, she didn't play in the band.

That was... That's Mary Stewart Masterson. Oh, is she not in that movie? No, she is. She's in that movie. But she's not the drummer. She's the wonderful. She's the some kind of wonderful. Oh, she's the... I got it. Or is it Mary? You know. Wow. It's obviously Mary. Well, I mean, I think John Hughes would tell you that he did that movie in an effort to right the wrong he felt he made in making her not choose Ducky in Pretty in Pink. And so he made some kind of wonderful so that they would choose the right person. And then...

And then Lea Thompson ended up marrying the director of Some Kind of Wonderful. Holy shit. They have two kids. Holy. True love wins. This is for you, bride. True love wins. And now Lea Thompson often sits in a bath with a martini glass and diddles herself. Diddles herself. Just like this duck. You know what's so weird about the movie, though, is that the relationship between Lea and Howard, it doesn't...

It does seem like she wants to have sex with him. Yeah. Should we play the seduction scene? Yes. Yes. Please. Let's get right to it. But, Paul, when we're done with it, could that remain the image that stays? Could duck titties be the image that is there for the rest of the show? Yeah, of course. Of course. Guys, this is already like a porno still. Like, if I saw that thumbnail on a page, I'd click on it.

Also, Lea Thompson, after I watched it, I was like, how did she get involved with this? Did she have a contract? She auditioned. Oh. There were many people who auditioned. Tori Amos was supposed to be this part. Tori Amos. Was supposed to? Well, she auditioned for it. That's amazing. Yes. I would like to see Howard the Tux, Tori Amos.

So this is a longer clip than we normally play, but I feel like this scene would have been more erotic with Tori Amos. All right, here we go. She breastfed a pig. You think I might find happiness in the animal kingdom, Ducky? Like they say, Dal. Love's strange. We could always give it a try. Hmm. Hmm.

Okay. Let's go for it, Mr. Pacho. This is happening. What do you mean? Okay. It was a joke. Listen, I'm pretty tired.

It's just that you're so incredibly soft and cuddly. Beth, let's be realistic. I mean, my apartment's zillions of miles from here. You're three feet taller than I am. Huh? See? I just can't resist your intense animal magnetism. Feather boner. Whoops. Anyway, where will it all lead? Marriage? Kids? A house in the suburbs?

Let's just face it. It's fate. What? No! It's not. I've got a headache. And I've got the aspirin. Be gentle. Just one goodnight kiss, sweet ducky? Come on, Howard. I was just kidding.

What? No, you weren't kidding. Come on, Howard. Come on, Howard. Just kidding. Nope. You are not kidding. You are wet for foul. Well, yeah. There's so many questions. It's like, what is she doing? I don't know. But also, what's happening to him? Oh, okay. So that, I read some trivia on,

feathers on top when they came up. I guess it took like two months to figure out. You know that. Yes. Yeah. But why is he freaking out? Sorry, we shared a moment. We shared a moment. We know it. The duck costumes, which are really, actually, I think they're really impressive. In fact, the whole art of this movie, in my opinion, is very good. Like, it looks gorgeous. The color, the lighting. And Duck Howard

Howard the Duck looks great, but they had to improve his costume over time. So getting those feathers to rise, it just took weeks and weeks of hard labor to get it right. Which seems like the easiest thing. You just attach some string and pull it lower. This is like a fishing wire, okay? I mean, give me a job, George Lucas. God damn it. Can we show...

the beginning of this movie, speaking of George Lucas. Yes. So George Lucas just did Return of the Jedi two years prior. Okay, this movie came out in 1986. And George Lucas decides, you know what, I want to change it up. I want to show that I can do something else. I can break out of the genre. By the way, so flawless George Lucas impression. Ha!

I know. I know. And so if you look, this is the first thing you see of George Lucas trying something new. Can I show you the screenshot? I just have the screenshot. Okay, yeah. So this is, there it is. That's it. Two minutes from Tatooine. Like you can't even for a second. When I saw these two moons over the city, I was like...

It's like, we get it. Is Luke looking at the Howard the Duck planet? And Howard the Duck is looking at the... It's a way to tie them all together in a Chris Nolan kind of all my movies are one. That crossover event. But that, like, what... The Ewoks might as well be Howard the Ducks. Like, it might as well be a planet of Howard the Duckses. Well, guys, I also wanted to say that we should just...

Here, take a moment and say, this is the first ever Marvel movie. Yeah. Howard the Duck is a Marvel Comics character. Yes, the first ever Marvel movie is Howard the Duck. And in the comic, he's a very foul-mouthed, you know, like... Foul-mouthed? Uh-oh. Yeah. Uh-oh. Oh, shit. It's catching on. Oh, shit. That's just the kind of comedy we're doing on How Did This Get Made.

We got a lot more duck puns. There's so much weird trivia with this movie. Basically, it was supposed to be animated, but due to a contractual obligation that George Lucas had with the studio, he needed to make a live-action movie. So he's like, "Yeah, fuck it. We'll make it live-action." And he was kind of bankrupt at the time, and so he was like, "Ah, this is gonna make me millions."

Clearly it didn't. And so he went more into bankruptcy, at which point he sold part of Lucasfilm ILM to Steve Jobs, and that became Pixar. So Howard the Duck essentially created Pixar. Thank God.

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Here's my question about the love scene. Yeah. What...

I don't understand. Why? Is he freaking out because he doesn't have a penis? He has a penis! Whoa, whoa, whoa, yes! Wait a minute. Okay, wait a minute. Okay, wait a minute. Why? Why wouldn't? Why? Yeah. We know he has a penis. How do we know?

Because in his wallet is a loose condom. Unwrapped. It is unwrapped. Unwrapped. Just a loosey. Because sometimes you're like, I got to get inside this bitch, but I don't know if I want to open it up. But to me, like how dry is that condom?

Unless ducks don't need lube. Covered in lint and it's like next to money. He's got like pen marks on it. That or he used that condom and was like, ah, no trash. Put it in my billfold. I don't have a wrapper for my condom. I'll just put it between two dollar bills. Those are sanitary, right? Man, and if you...

if you watch this scene all the way through, she's like snooping and she pulls out this unwrapped tiny little duck, hook duck penis condom and she just looks, she's just like, Howard. Howard. Yeah, she's like, oh Howard. But,

I mean, if the people in the audience can see it, the condom is no bigger than her fingernail. Yeah. So they were like, make sure it's a small condom. But Howard the Duck is like four feet tall. He should have a bigger dick than that. Right? I mean, are you? I don't know. Are we going by weight? Wait, how do duck penises work in the... Okay.

Can we Google it? Doesn't it have a hook? Can we Google how the duck penises work? She's telling me. Are you somebody that knows about duck penises? Hang on. Are you being honest right now? Okay, hold on. Guys, prepare to have your minds blown.

So the thing is, is the duck's penis is corkscrewed and the duck's vagina is corkscrewed the other way. So when they have sex, it's like... Wait, does it move like that? You're moving it like a drill bit. Okay, yeah. Does that propel motion somehow? But I still feel like there would have to be a twist and a turn. I just got super horny. Okay, hang on, hang on. I just want to get to the bottom of this. I want you to explain it as clear as possible, but slow and in a sexier voice. Okay.

All right, so you know that, like, duck cup. Okay, this is happening. Guys, get out of here. Wait. Everybody get out of here. I think it's working. Wait, is there anything more relevant for this? No, really, it's just kind of a weird pointing thing. Yeah. So would you say... I don't think Howard has a duck penis. I think Howard, if he has a penis, has a human penis. Like the other duck had human... Yeah. Well, the condom would suggest that as well. The condom...

Although, I don't know, a rolled up corkscrew condom probably just... Or is it just kind of like you'd have to do this? It's like that game where you have to... The metal thing with the circle in the middle and the thing is going around and around and you have to try it. So it does its thing. Visually, you're missing a bunch of stuff here if you're listening. It's all visual jokes tonight. But why is Howard freaking out then?

Well, because she calls his bluff. She calls his bluff. He like, it makes a pass. So he's all talk. He's all talk. Yeah, he makes a pass and she says. By the way, he's in a loving relationship with Michelle. As we see in the beginning of the movie, he gets a postcard. She's like, I'm so, I'm missing you. Can't wait to see you. But he forgets about Michelle the second he's in Cleveland. I don't know. Is he in a relationship or is he just like fucking this broad? And I think there are a couple of girls who leave messages on his answer. I think he's got a bunch of fuck buddies. Yeah.

Look, Howard the Duck is kind of a lonely character. He comes home at night. He can't find TV. He takes out a play duck, and he starts to jerk it before he's sucked to earth. I mean, that's the way the movie opens. That's where it's going. That's definitely where it's headed. And, yeah, so maybe he's a lonely guy, and he's connected with her, but I would think he would want to kiss her. Would you say, though, that his journey through the movie is that he, like, learns to...

connect with someone and really learns to... Like, that he wants to settle down and stuff. So you're saying that he learns... Because, no, that's a serious question because, honestly, at one point I thought, okay, the whole movie, the trajectory of this movie is going to be that his passion for music is going to be reignited. I thought that too!

He's like, I don't play anymore. I'm like, oh, he's going to... They're going to collaborate. Well, by the way, I agree with that because there was... And I thought there was... He was going to sing a song at one point because he was like, I mean, I don't know. And then there's a dramatic move and he's in front of a piano and he goes, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. And he looks back at her and I was like, oh, there's going to be a song now. And then just walks away from the piano. Right. Also... That totally dropped. So it seems like... You wanted him to play a little bit. You did want him... Well, yeah, I thought that...

was what the whole story was gonna be about. Me too. And then he becomes the band manager and then he like plays one song at the end which was pretty awesome. With his beak. He does play with his beak. Spoiler alert you'll get to see that at the end. And I love that those cherry bombs. I know you said it but they're like Jim and the

Holly Robinson and Pete. Holly Robinson and Pete. They were hot as shit, man. By the way, Tim Robbins is also in this movie as kind of an evil guy, but then he becomes a good guy. But he does say a really creepy thing when he goes in to see those Gem in the Hologram girls. He goes... The cherry bomb. He goes, hey, girl,

girl, they just played a show and he comes backstage and he's like, hey girls, just came back here to watch you undress and I brought you some pizza. Well, that sums up the humor in this film. I think, I think. It's all that

All the time. Yeah. I think he actually said, hey girls, I didn't see the show, but I made it in time to see you undress. You're right. Which is one million times grosser. You know what? Fuck it. I don't want to see my girlfriend perform. I just want to see her and her friends and their titties out. By the way, he also works at a museum where there's a lab. Yeah. And like experimental lasers. Yeah.

I have a whole problem with the way his character is introduced because Leah Thompson's like, we gotta find out why you came to Earth, Howard. I'm gonna bring you to my friend. And then she goes there and she looks like she's never been there. And then is surprised to find

out that her friend is like a janitor. Like, then he's not really that much of a friend. Like, she thinks he's a scientist? And what about that moment when they walk, so she comes in, they both walk into his office, and then the camera holds on the door closing, then the door opens, Tim Robbins pops out, closes the door, and runs into a conference of higher level scientists, like, you guys, guess what I'm doing?

And then he's like, nothing. He goes back.

I also love that moment because he runs into these high-level scientists and there's just like a big dinosaur head on the table and someone's like, dinosaur head. And everyone's like, oh, yes. So we're all in agreement then. This is a dinosaur head. That is definitely a dinosaur head. I think we can all agree. Dinosaur. I'm pretty sure it's the head. This scene, this is the other, I mean, this is, it was problematic in every other sentence, but

stop by the way Tim Robbins is trying to treat him and he yells at Leah Thompson and is like I'm on my own and then he like goes and works at a brothel. No. No. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa. whoa.

Do not. We got to back it up just a bit. Back up. Because what he says is, oh, I guess it's time to get a job. And he goes to the unemployment office. He has been in town for 12 some odd hours. And he has given up on going home and decided to get a job. He is now keeping my...

he's a fucking duck. I want you to understand he's not from another town come to the big city. He's a duck that got sucked through interdimensional space in an armchair and is now

at the unemployment office. 12 hours ago, he thought Cleveland was a planet. So... Now he has clothes and is looking for a job. By the way, he dresses like a rejected member of the village people. Like a small leather hat. Well, also, for a while, he kind of looks like a flasher for the first...

He's dressed like a perv. He's on Earth, yeah. He meets up with an unemployment officer, a very sassy, large African-American woman who's like, all right, they gave me to you because I get all the weirdos. Like, keep in mind...

She's talking to a duck. I'm obsessed with this woman. And he says to her, yeah, she doesn't, she does not see that he's a duck. So she's great. She's killing it. It's on her and she's like, this is bullshit. I'm, you're going to go to work. You can't take money and reverse on him. It's a fucking duck.

She's talking to a goddamn duck. But what does she think he is? Oh, a weirdo. A weirdo? A weirdo. I think she's like, this is a new level of tattooing. Like he has put feathers on his face. She's just like, I've seen it all. I've seen it all. And now this. But no worry, I'm going to get this fucking duck a job.

That's what she's like, "Oh, don't worry, I'm gonna get you a job." Cut to, he works at a hot tub place. - Yeah, a weird place. - By the way, and by the way, I will say this, for her, she did do what she was supposed to do, she got him a job. - She's good at her work. - But number two, it seemed like Howard was pretty willing to work. She was very aggressive with him. He was like, "I want a job." She's like, "Don't you come in here." Like, whoa, hey. - Well, see, this is what's weird though.

because she got him a job at a hot tub place with water. It's a brothel. Okay, now keep it in mind. We're saying hot tub place and it's really just like a place that has hot tubs in rooms that people are fucking in. Yeah, and a mud room. But there's a lot of hot tubs in this place. But they're all fucking in them. That's what I'm saying. It seems like she knew that because he's a duck, he would do well there.

there but she does say she does say i think you're going to take to this job that's like a doctor that is an irony there are levels that june is watching on that are simply that are that are next level there's there's next level one wait so you think that she said all right i'm the best i'm gonna get this duck a job i think her whole

thing is, look, when people come in here, I don't judge them. I don't care what they look like. I'm going to get them a job at all

Costs. Come in. Right, but what I'm saying is she does know he's a duck. She doesn't care. See, you're saying when she's looking to play someone, she sees past species. Absolutely. That's the flaw with this film, too. It's like when you watch any Muppet movie, every character in that world, human or Muppet, is just like, this is our reality. But how did

- How did Duck never decided that? It's like you were saying. - Sometimes people lose their minds. Like, oh my God, I'm looking at an alien, a monster. And sometimes people are like, hey man, can I sit next to you? Like when he's on the bus, he's just walking around. He then has the job. - It was the 80s. People were much more accepting. The Cold War was imminent. We were friends to Ducks.

My favorite thing, just to wrap up this unemployment thing is, then the woman turns around to fill out the paperwork and he is transfixed by her ass. Her ass is like right in front of him and he's like, he's like freaking out. He's gonna like jizz in his pants if his dick works. Well, he goes to bite that ass, that juicy ass. He tries to go bite it just as she turns around. And puts the employment form in his mouth. Again,

if I am a parent in the 80s. Guys, she's helping him get a job. His response was to try and bite her ass. He is an alien who is trying to attack our women sexually. Why are we rooting for him? But yet, four scenes earlier, he's saving somebody from sexual assault. So he's a very complicated character. That's the thing. That's very true. Lea Thompson is throwing herself at him and he's like, hey, no, I can't. I'm nervous. I'm scared. Uh-oh. But he's like, oh, I gotta bite this juicy butt.

"Ahh, gotta bite this juicy butt!" Suffice it to say,

him working at the fuck club does not work out well. But also his argument, his like, yawn at Leah Thompson is like, so dumb. Yeah. It's like, why is she getting yelled at? Yeah, like, because, yeah, he feels like, hey, you brought me to one person and you didn't solve my fucking problem? I'm out of here. Yeah. I'm a duck from another planet. I don't need you. He really does have a very bad attitude. Yeah. Leah Thompson

a band living in an abandoned tenement he's like she's like i'm trying i know someone who happens to be loosely affiliated with science like she's doing the best she can she's doing the best she can like a giant talking duck has attached itself to her and she is trying to it trying to help it trying to do everything and he's basically like you know what

Go fuck yourself. How about this? How about this? Go fuck yourself. I'm going to say Leah Thompson did it better than I could have done in that same situation. Oh, 100%. Absolutely. She is legitimately acting her ass off in this. She's doing amazing work. This, compared to Jaden Smith in After Earth, is like above, like the puppets are better than his performance in this movie. Yeah.

After his one excursion, he joins back up with Leah Thompson. He's like, all right, I'm back with her now. I can't at this point figure out how much time has passed. How long has he been in the workforce? No. Well, he gets back with her because he shows up at her club and he fights. He's a good fighter. That's the other thing. One duck punch from Howard and you're down.

I'm gonna show the fight scene because this is how he gets back into Leah Thompson's good graces. By the way, for the people listening at home, just know that one of the bad guys in this movie is one of the guys who stole Ferris Bueller's car. Ferris Bueller's car. Here we go. Hey, come on, don't think your bed's shut. Ha, ha, ha!

No earring in your other ear? I'll just make the hole myself. No, please, man. Don't, man. Please, don't. The money. Sure, sure. Here, take the money. Take it. It's yours. Take it. And you're no longer their manager. Listen, everybody in here is a witness. I'm letting the girls out of their contract, okay? Tell your goons to stay back. I'm warning you. Stay back, Richie. I bite your face. You're a dead man, Ginger. What are you talking about? Space rabies.

What? Space... So now, now not only is he a duck in the world, super fucked up, he is telling people I'm an alien. And I've got something you can have. Well, see, this is where the movie does turn alien. Like, this is where alien, it starts with space rabies and then aliens become a huge, huge part of this movie. Well, I'll go ahead. Well, I mean...

I mean, can we, did everyone catch the bartender being like, Jake? Jake. Jake.

It's so good. The bartender is like a 1960s beat poet kind of guy. And he's like, yeah. That is like, you don't see that anywhere. No. And that's just a character. That's not a character who has any lines or anything. No. They're the best. That's a director's choice to be like, okay, but I want the bartender to be like a mid-1950s beatnik. And you're loving this. You're loving this.

loving this. You're helping the duck. Now, I will also point out that it's odd that the guy that is their manager and has been holding money keeps all the money that he's owed them in his pocket ready to go as if, oh yeah, here's the money, boom. I have a bill full of the exact amount. And he says, I'll give it to him when sweet Beverly puts out. Yeah. Yeah. So we didn't see that, sorry. Yeah.

But yeah, these guys are bad dudes. But all of a sudden, again, if you're a parent in the 80s, you think George Lucas, duck, and all of a sudden you've seen condoms, you've seen fuck houses, and now you've seen a duck wielding a weapon ready to puncture a man's face.

This is not what you bargained for. This is not the P-13 that you brought. The thing that, for me, was that moment where I was like, what the fuck planet is this? At a certain point, the police get involved. And Howard the Duck and Leah Thompson are trying to escape. And Leah Thompson takes the cop's gun out of his holster and points it at him like, what the fuck do you want? And it becomes, I'm like, that's a police officer.

That's a policeman. He's done nothing wrong to you. You're with a duck that's talking. You're the weird one. Don't point a gun at this guy. I really had a lot of bad lessons. Well, the other weird thing with her is that every time she runs into a group of people and something's happening with Howard, she just says, you gotta help Howard. So everybody knows who Howard is.

She does do that all the time. All the time. You're hurting. And then, inexplicably, at a certain point, she just starts calling him ducky. That really upset me. Which is really weird. Well, and here's what's so strange about her character. When she first touches the feather when he falls asleep on their first night together, it looks so maternal. And it looks like, okay, I guess this is...

Some guy was like, oh, yeah. But can you say... I guess she's going to connect to him like a woman with her child. But can you say that this is like in her wheelhouse? Because Leah Thompson also plays a very similar scene with Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future when she is...

His mother, but she's also sexually attractive. She knows how to do that role. Did anybody else... It's a very hard position as a female actress to do that. Super edible. It really is very edible. It's so strange. Their relationship is super weird and gross. Did anybody else think that after the sex scene later or whatever, he's leaving or something, and she goes, hey, what's this? And she reaches into the bed and pulls out a handful of feathers.

And I was like, did he like jizz feathers? Ew! Did anybody else think that? No? It were those feathers. Yeah, a couple of other weirdos. No, no, that was, no. He was leaving those for her. What? No. No. What are you talking about? I might be confused.

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So at this point in the movie, Jeffrey Jones, right? Oh, we didn't even talk about it. Jeffrey Jones. Another Ferris Bueller player. Oh, yeah. So Jeffrey Jones is like... By the way, got this part because of his role in Amadeus. They said, oh, this is the guy. Really? Yes.

Wow. Okay, so he plays like an astrophysicist kind of dude who comes along to say, I think I know what I... He justifies everything. We tried out some new laser. It fucked up, so it brought you from your planet. Blah, blah, blah. He fires up his laser cannon again or whatever. And then a... What is it? A dark lord of the universe possesses him? An interdimensional demon...

- Overlord. - An overlord of the universe, okay. - Who's also a Marvel character. - Oh yeah? - Yes. - So he starts acting, I don't know, like cuckoo crazy? I think is what you'd describe it as. Pretty much 100% cuckoo crazy. - First of all, it starts with just some muscle aches. He's like, so anyway, I need to, ooh.

And look, we got to... I don't feel good. I don't feel good. Yeah, he doesn't feel good. He's a little sweatier. But then it gets worse and worse and worse. It's really bad. And then at a certain point he says, there is no more Jennings. I am now dot, dot, dot someone else. That is the best line of the whole movie. What? I am now someone else. To be named later.

Control Alt S. Save that shit. Done writing for the day. Now, at this point...

Leah Thompson, who is trying to fuck a duck, and the duck are like, stop acting crazy, Jennings. And everybody says he just needs a cup of coffee. Oh, Leah Thompson's doing everything. Okay, and they're also on like a crazy car chase. Like, they're like, ah! You know, like for hours. And he's going nuts.

nuts and Lea Thompson's just trying again to be motherly like you just need coffee maybe you need to go to the bathroom like she's just...

I don't know. And just to point this out to you guys, he is sweaty. His face is changing proportions. His face is melting. He's like, I talk like this now. And even when he gets eye lasers... Oh, wait, can we just say how he shows he's powerful? Yep. Do you have it to show? I don't have it to show. You were going to explain that? Oh, yeah, I was going to. Okay, go ahead. So they're at this diner. There is, I don't know, maybe...

- The diner. Come on. The diner is amazing. It's Cajun sushi. - It's incredible. - I like that. - I like that too. - By the way, there's a waitress in the diner scene. - The one who wears the big glasses who's one of the best actors I've ever heard. - She's fantastic.

I love her so much. Your kid's costume is great. That's terrific. And you're like, oh man, you are killing it. She's so great. I felt like they set up Cajun sushi and I wanted it to be like egg sashimi or something. They didn't have anything fun with the menu. They did nothing with it. It was all on the cutting room floor. So he's getting more and more powerful.

They're ignoring him. I just want to point out how much they're ignoring him. His face is changing. And they're like, all right, calm down. And his voice has been like, brr, brr, I mean, brr, brr, brr, brr. He also speaks

He also starts to speak with a Russian accent. What? A Russian accent? He starts to speak with a Russian accent, yes. It's not Russian. I swear. That categorically did not happen. Guys, I swear, listen to his voice. He becomes more and more Russian as he transforms into an over-large guy. I did not, that did not happen. Are you trying to say there is a subtle Cold War subtext to this movie? I don't know. That the guy that is the bad guy has to turn into a Russian? I'm not saying that.

I mean, is this like some Red Dawn shit? He's the Drago of this movie. So they're sitting there and they refuse to acknowledge that he is a dark lord of the universe. They refuse to acknowledge that they keep calling him Jennings and then his eyes glow and a ketchup bottle and a mustard bottle start vibrating. And then everybody's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on here? And those two things explode.

And then everybody's like, uh-oh, this guy might mean business. Condiments beware. But then Howard the Duck is rude to the waitress. They get into a big fight, a huge fight. The sushi chef is about to cut off his head. Jennings now is at an all-powerful, all-time high. Shooting lasers. He's definitely someone else. What? He's definitely someone else. Except that they keep calling him Jennings. Howard keeps going, hey Jennings, a little help here? By the way...

By the way, he has now at this point gone past I'm someone else and said I am an interdimensional demon, narcissist or whatever the fuck his name is. - Wait, did he have a name? - He did say his name, Somnolus or something. And so he has now named himself. - Wait, isn't that just someone else mashed together? I am someone else. I am someone else. - Someone else, someone else. - My name is someone else.

And control all time. Good. Things are exploding all over the place. He's like controlling a hatchet with his mind to which a patron of the diner turns and goes, he must've had the chili. Yeah. Yes. That happened. Gotta shoot it. Gotta shoot it. He must've had the chili. At which point then, when they're also gonna kill Howard, she goes, no, you can't. He's my boyfriend.

Yep. Record straight. That's a real declaration. How have they gotten, like, are they exclusive now? Like, what the fuck is happening? I don't think they've consummated this relationship. Oh, and there's also a moment in here where they, before this fight starts, where the truck drivers get angry with Howard. And there's like a,

I don't even know what it is. It's like some sort of special key that controls a giant laser. But it's like a big, it looks like a garage remote control. It's like a big bulky thing. Yeah, garage door opener. Yeah, it's big and it's weird looking. And the truck driver immediately goes, hey, what's this? The key to your duck mobile? And pops it in his pocket. Yeah, he would have told us. By the way, entirely possible that he would have a duck mobile. Also, it looks nothing like

of key but yet he needed to take it like that's the whole reason the fight happens so this guy has this here's what I wanted to know during the fight and this diner scene lasts I don't know an hour and a half everything in this movie lasts way too long this movie and the airplane scene the airplane scene is easily 25 minutes long at a certain point I was like

long have they been on this fucking airplane? Wait, they get on an airplane in this movie? Oh yeah, that flyer. Whatever that thing is. I'm calling it an airplane. It is, it's a little one. At the end of the diner scene is a pie fight, but Howard the Duck, they can't make Howard the Duck throw pies, so Howard the Duck can only hold pies and people can run at him and run into the pies.

So that is the pie fight that happens is people who are nearby put their faces in a pie. Oh. Now that we're in a post-Avatar world, oh my God. Here's another weird thing about Howard, though. They established that he can't fly, that ducks... And can't swim, either. He can't fly and can't swim. But in the beginning of the movie, when he first lands on Earth, he does try to fly.

Excuse me? Guys. Guys. Describe it, please. There's a moment where Howard, with his hands, tries to fly along the street. He flaps his hands a number of times as though he's going to take off. Where and when? Guys.

I don't know the time, though. That doesn't happen because he can't fly on his home planet. That's what I'm saying. He doesn't fly anywhere. I know, and that's why it was crazy that he tried to fly. So do you think this was some sort of vestigial event? Yeah, I thought because it was raining, he was crying. Yeah, like shaking off the rain. No, I know that moment. Maybe he was cleaning his feathers. I know that moment. You think he was trying to fly. I swear there was a moment he took both hands and he blasted. So do you think his journey is to a flight? To get wings?

Oh, that's a really good question. To being free? That's a really good question. Can I just also quickly back to the diner, the moment where they order the special and it's eggs and Howard flips the fuck out. That's what causes the fight. Yeah. No, no, the

as the truckers hit on Leah Thompson. What is, like, what would be the equivalent to us? Would that be like fetus, what? Embryos. Embryos. So I was going to say, would that be, oh, hold on. Would that be like, so it would just be like fetuses on a plate? But it would,

ape embryos, right? Or something. Because dusted chickens aren't the same. But he was like, I mean, he's never been more mad except for when Lea Thompson did nothing to him. But wouldn't you assume, wouldn't you assume, because here's the thing. Except for when she tried to help him. Yeah. I will ask you this. Like, you guys eat eggs, right? Sure. You guys eat the eggs of another species even though your body produces eggs. I had an omelet this morning.

Right? That's correct. On Duck Planet, are we doing, like, chickens? I'm assuming chickens are still just chickens. Well, here's the thing. I don't think on their planet they have other species. But we don't eat monkeys. At all? We don't eat monkeys, though. That would be the equivalent. We don't eat monkeys. When he opens his fridge on the planet, there are gummy frogs. Yes, he eats frogs. So,

But I don't know what those frogs were. They were like, they were in there. They were like gummy bears or gummy worms. Well, they were real, I would imagine. No, they were candies, I thought. Oh, I thought they were like real frogs, though. Well, they were poorly made. Okay. Again, another prop from Return of the Jedi. That's out of like Jabba's Bowl or something like that. I think you kind of

of get a hint at the humor too. Is it like Jar Jar Binks was really funny to George Lucas and this was probably really funny to him? Yeah. People who say that George Lucas lost it for the new Star Wars are wrong. He lost it way earlier. Way, way earlier. I want to show one of the most disturbing sequences of any film. This is Jeffrey Jones and he needs electricity. Um...

And I apologize because it's very visual, so those at home. And here's the thing. He needs electricity. He needs electricity. Here we go. Get ready to be disgusted. All right, so this clip is actually very visual. What you should picture is Jeffrey Jones, a sweaty mess, turning, leering at Leah Thompson. And then from out of his mouth comes...

metallic snake. It's kind of like reverse alien and it looks like a penis, like a disgusting penis coming out of his mouth. It's going right towards Leah Thompson and then at the last second detours and goes into a car charger and gets electrocuted and his whole face gets electrocuted. So that's what's happening here. Now back to the show. There is a straight up...

rape tentacle that comes out of his mouth. And she's still like, ew, gross, I'm gonna puke. Her reaction is so muted. Lucky for you, that's all he wants to do with that thing. It would hurt not to touch on the fact that they find an airplane out in the back of the diner for no apparent reason. That Tim Robbins and Howard just get on and try and fly. And in that flying sequence, Tim Robbins

goes from being a good guy to a bad guy, back to a good guy again. Like, he's with Howard, he's not with Howard, he's with Howard again. I feel like Howard is, if Howard is a Christ figure, he is the one who denies Christ. Like, you will deny me three times? Yeah, he did it. Like, that's what Tim Robbins does. The deep role. He's what? He's handcuffed. He's also handcuffed. He's handcuffed for pretty much the entire third act of the movie. Which is essentially three scenes. Yeah.

Each of which is 90 minutes long, it feels like. If you took out all the chasing, flying, falling, fighting, the movie would be 15 minutes. I thought for sure, too, Tim Robbins' character was at some point during the third act of the movie going to see Howard as a real, you know, not person, of course, but

Like, see that he has an emotional life. An individual. Is an individual and not just a science experiment. Well, you know what? Like, that just never, there's no,

It's that kind of performance level that he brought to it that beat Jay Leno out of that part. Jay Leno also... Really? Yes. So Jay Leno and Tim Robbins going head to head. Jay Leno looked too much like Howard the Duck. And that's what caused him to not get that part is that his head was too large and square. Before... I mean, the third act is kind of inconsequential because it's so fucking boring, but...

But I do want to talk about this one thing that I think is a big problem, which is the voice of the duck is so...

It's so non-engaging. Like, I feel like I'm not... It doesn't seem like a character that I want to be friends with. It seems like... Well, in the comic, I think I'm right. Correct me if I'm wrong. In the comic, isn't he like... He's a foul-mouthed asshole. Foul-mouthed. He's a dick. Yeah. Isn't he kind of like a hard-boiled detective kind of asshole? He's like a smoking... What? Hard-boiled. You said hard-boiled. Hard-boiled?

Hard boiled. You guys see what's happening here, right? You guys are doing it better than us. He's like a film noir type thing. Yeah. And I think, and like George Lucas loves the comedy. Yeah, because he's in a trench coat. Yeah, yeah. And at some point he's in trouble and his goose is cooked.

No, no, no, guys. Guys, I was trying to force that. Egg-citing. Egg-citing? We did some research. The rest of the podcast is just puns and people leaving. Guys, I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers with that last pun. I'm glad we could have Kristen on the bill.

Now you feel what it is to watch the movie. For an hour and 15 minutes. I mean, there was so many what the fuck moments. I did think that was a missed joke when he kept on asking for the check. He should have said the bill. Yeah. But did you guys feel that at all? That his voice wasn't like, he wasn't like, that's a fun voice. I don't know. I mean, like Roger the Rabbit has like a fun voice and like...

that's a main character. No, he was really boring, really flat, really boring. I would have liked Gilbert Godfrey as that character. You know, like that kind of a voice. In retrospect. I would watch Howard the Dog. That would be great. Gilbert Godfrey was great. I would watch a sequel starring the Affleck Dog. John Cusack and Martin Short did not get the role of the voice. They auditioned for it and it went to Chip Zian.

Who we all know. I liked it. I liked his voice. You liked his voice. I thought it was just suited him fine. You know what? This is why we have the show. And I imagined all the fillers too because you know Chip is in the sound booth and he's got to do voiceover for hours and hours and hours and Howard's just looking off in a dress. He's got to like add lines. Yeah, his mouth is a lot of the times not moving when he's talking. In the beginning I was like, oh, is his mouth just not going to move?

And then it does, and then it stops. But there's a lot of times where it's just like, it's just, and you hear a whole monologue going on. At a certain point, Jeffrey Jones is running out of power, and so he goes on a tour of a nuclear facility. Which he just walks in and wears a visit. Because you can't.

uh and then he goes in and he like sucks the power out of a nuclear but wait a second before on the tour he is completely deformed now yep bald yep and someone goes oh this guy needs a cup of coffee yep just need some coffee and then he gets completely irradiated full of power gets back into the truck with leah thompson at which point i was like you just got all of the cancer in the world

Like, he is now like a walking radiation bomb. Like anybody, she is sterile instantly. Right?

If I keep getting into this, it's going to get real funny, right? The cancer that is going to befall her character within months. By the way, though, why does he need her on this mission? Because he's going to use her body to bring down one of the other overlords. But that makes no sense because the only reason why the overlord got into his body is because he's too ugly. My body, I'm too hideous. But now he's taken control.

He could bring a hideous person to Earth now. Yeah, and then he also just comes right out of his body and he's like this real monster, like a real scary monster. Like something out of Jason and the Argonauts meets the Cloverfield monsters. Very claymation and like blah. I don't know how to describe it more than it's a blob. I hate that.

- They pop with the mouth, and I think the mouth is the focal point. - Yes. - Well, at this point, they must have been like, "You know what? With the special effects, we're fucking firing on all cylinders. So let's just go ahead and create this new monster because we are killing it." - "Let's complicate this final scene a little bit more." But luckily, there was an irradiation gun. They shoot it, and it's good, done. So that's the movie. I mean, really. I mean, is there anything to talk about in that third act that's... I mean, just, it's long. - It's so long. - It's not about the third act. - What?

When they try to take... At one point, one of the scientists tries to take Howard's boxers off. Yeah. Oh, that's uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they don't come off. No. Why not? So we don't see his dick. Yeah.

I think honestly they try because the cop says the cop says take off this jerk's suit take off the duck suit get him out of the duck suit so they take off all of his clothes and then they are and they're like there's no zipper there's no zipper for the duck suit yeah and then he's like take off his briefs or his shorts or whatever and then but then when you see him he's not naked but he's skinny he's way skinny and why is he wearing underwear but Donald Duck wears none

Well, that's what I'm saying. They can't take off his boxer. Someone has a line where they say... No, they can't take off his suit, his duck suit. Yeah. Oh, so they just... They choose not to take off his boxer. Wait, did you think they were incapable of taking off... You thought the boxers were attached to him? I thought something very real was happening with his genitals that was affecting what went on with him in the bed. So on the duck planet...

The duck planet, they evolved to have permanent underwear. Except for ladies not on top. I didn't know what was going on. I do, just because we were talking about the cops, I want to show probably one of the best written 80-yard scenes of all time. This is the cops explaining the situation. Just listen very closely. Here we go.

Okay, I want this guy. The suspect is three foot one inches tall. Three foot two, thank you. You heard me. He's armed. That means he's got a weapon, right? That also means he's dangerous. What? Extremely dangerous. Shoot to kill.

Let's move it out, come on! - Youngest cops of all time. He is armed. He is dangerous. Means he's armed and dangerous. - Shoot to kill.

There are a lot of times people have quotes from famous movies in here. There's one line where Tim Robbins, because he's being cheated out of being able to use Howard to advance his scientific career, says, "I could have been a contender. I could have been a contender." And then in the next scene, he says, "Of all the planets in all the world, I had to fall into your..." Like, there's so many dumb movie quote lines in here.

And I feel like they thought people were going to be like, oh, fuck yeah, man. I fucking love these movies they're referencing. The writer of this movie wrote American Graffiti, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and this. Yeah. I feel like those two guys, they had to, it was almost like a bet one of them lost. And he was like, great, this is what you're doing. Boom, Howard the Duck. I'm George Lucas. I'm on

I used to get a Star Wars magazine when I was a kid. It was called Bantha Tracks. It was almost like a pamphlet. And then all of a sudden Bantha's tracks stopped after Return of the Jedi. And it was like, Howard the Duck? And it was like three months of Howard the Duck? And I was like, where's Han Solo? Yoda, where's Yoda? But in the comic, does he live on Earth? I think he's a detective.

Does he solve crimes? Can a nerd speak for Howard the Duck? Yes. Nerd with his hand raised, please. Disney sued Marvel and said that he has to wear pants because Donald Duck doesn't wear pants. Wow. He said Disney sued Marvel and said that he had to wear pants because Donald Duck doesn't wear pants. So that would have been like copyright infringement.

I guess. Yeah, you can wear it. Okay, great. Well, this is actually great. Let's actually turn up the house. Let's go out to the audience, see what they have to say. Oh, nice. Anything that we did not bring up. We normally have mini episodes for corrections and omissions, but are there any things that you want to talk about? Oh, there's a lot. There's a lot of people who want to talk about this movie. A lot of hands up. Sir, what's your name and what's your question? My name is Tony. I'm actually from Cleveland where this is supposed to take place. Wait, you're from...

- You're from Cleve land? - Cleve land. - Cleve land. - The planet? - Is it a planet? - We call it the Cleve, but we don't at all. Three things. First one-- - Three things? - It's quick, it's quick. - It's gonna be quick, I believe him. - Hey, Tony, don't get cocky, bro. - His city lived through this incident. Let him speak. Here we go. - During the flying scene, you see palm trees in the back. - Yes, that's true. - No palm trees in Cleveland.

I believe that. The second one, too few black people in downtown Cleveland. I also got an email, I got a Twitter, and someone said, please mention that there is no woman as attractive as Leah Thompson in Cleveland. Okay, third thing. The third thing I actually forgot because I'm kind of nervous about talking to people about it.

- I wanna ask a question. - Well you did a great job, those are two. - If you wanna break into the music scene and really like boost your music career, do you go to Cleveland to make that happen? - Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is there. - Okay, so. - All right. - Touche. - That's what you do. - Touche, Tony, touche. - That's great. - All right, we'll go over here. Sir, what's your name, what's your question? Here we go. - My name is Jason. My question is-- - Great name.

Fucking a home run name, bro. In the name department, killing it. So in the end, pretty much the end scene when they kill the big alien thing, right? Then they tell Howard that he has to blow up the laser. So, you know, and she says, oh, but then you can never go home. But he blows it up anyways. Was there not just like a button they could push or something to turn it off and blow up?

It's a very good question. I'm sorry. So you want to know, you want to know why, why there isn't an emergency off button for the laser. Why do you need to destroy the technology instead of like, why, like, yeah. Keep in mind, this is a laser that at one point when it goes off, it goes off poorly, which burns half of one man's face, leading him to say, hold please,

Hold, please. Oh, God. Why isn't this? Where is it? What did I? Oh, guys, this happened. Hold on. Mark this. We'll edit it all out. We have no right to tamper with the universe. Worth it? Worth it? I think so. His face is burnt. We have no right to tamper with the universe. And Liam Thompson and Howard run into the room he just came out of. Everybody, it's evacuating because the thing is burning people's faces. And they're like, we got to get in there.

I want to get a lady's perspective. Ma'am, what is your question? Hi, my name's Denise. I have two things. One, can we discuss why this movie is rated PG? Yes. Big question. First one. And then the second thing is apparently the writer, sorry, the director and producer are married. They conceptualized this idea and they originally wanted to shoot it in Hawaii just because they thought it would be a fun place to shoot. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I read that. And?

And they went to Hawaii and didn't read any reviews as soon as it came out. Yeah, they made a bad choice. To start off this, let's just shoot in Hawaii. It'll be fun. It's a bad choice. Unless you just created Magnum PI, that should not be how you operate. Again, this is a Marvel comic book that takes place in Cleveland, so it's a very big...

throwing out everything to say, let's put it in Hawaii. What I found on the Wikipedia is that they went to film school with George Lucas. And George Lucas brought it to them, brought the comic book to them, like, what do you think? And then Paul explained that they had to shoot it live action, all this stuff. So they kind of got pulled into this. But also, they really fucked it up. Oh, yeah. Does anyone know if they're still married? They are. Okay, good. Are they here?

Anybody else think, oh wait, this is just, this is a comedy nerd insider weird thing. When Howard the Duck lands on Earth, he goes into a club where Leah Thompson's Gem in the Holograms band is playing, and the doorman looks exactly like Paul Rust? Yeah. Anybody? Yes.

All right, good. Thank you. Because for one second, I was like, oh, Paul Rust is in this show. That's impossible. I said it out loud. But then I started to think maybe Paul Rust is ageless and he's been acting for a long time. Okay, that does bring up something. A really common rumor is that he is a Highlander. We'll get into that on the next episode. Your question right here. It's an explanation.

Oh, great. Oh, no, I need you guys. Oh, okay, bad. So it's an explanation, Hope. Also known as a question. Very good. Yeah, so fuck you. So fuck you, dummy. All right, go ahead with your explanation, Hope. Here we go. This better be awesome. Oh, God. At the end of the movie...

All this stuff has happened and he says, I need this. Like, I need another tail. And? Well, I'm going to just go out on a limb and say that that's probably the least offensive thing that he says. Like, I need that. Like, I need another hand or I need another head, right? Like, I need a hole in the head, I guess. Yeah, a hole in the head. Although, one thing I will say about their tails is I did think it was interesting that on the Duck Planet, their costumes or their...

- Their wardrobe. - Wardrobe does not give them their outfits. - Their everyday civilian clothes has a hole cut in the pants for their tails. - As do all of the clothes he has on Earth. - He's very good with a pair of scissors when he's shoplifting from the tiny, the tyke section of Goodwill, he said, the tiny tykes. - Yeah, go ahead, sorry. - All right, question here, question, where are some questions? Okay, right here, yeah. We haven't had anybody with a beard ask a question, go ahead.

If these ducks lay eggs, why do they have breasts? Good question. That's a great explanation, Hope. Are we sure? Wait, what? He was saying if the ducks lay eggs, why do they have breasts? I think maybe the planet is so advanced that they come out of the egg and then they're like, I am still hungry for a good, you know, breast milk.

There's no proof, by the way, that his planet, they lay eggs. We have not seen anyone lay an egg. I don't know. Howard also does say that he went to med school and his parents wanted him to be a plastic surgeon doing titty jobs, doing boob jobs. Maybe that's how they get them. You're off mic. No one can hear you. Hold on. I've got to get back there. All right, your question.

Well, this was just a very weird throwaway line. When Jeffrey Jones has become irradiated and he's blowing up all the cars, he's blowing up all the cars because traffic is all backed up, and traffic is all backed up because the highway patrolmen are doing a routine smog check? That is the great question.

Something that I noticed as well, and I thought, oh, that's just something that happened in the 80s, right? Smog checks. You're bringing that up like it's not totally normal, bro.

I get stopped for routine smoke check all the time. One more, one more, one more question. Listen, you come here, you come closer. Here we go, all right. Here's your question, one more. This is our final question. Better be good. Don't blow it. Your name, your favorite Jason Statham movie, and your question, go. My name is David. My favorite Jason Statham movie is In the Name of the King, a Dungeon Siege tale. All right, good, good answer, good answer. Terrible choice, but it is an answer.

Uh-oh. He's pulling out his iPhone. He wrote it down. Paul, get away from him. Paul, get away from him. His tongue is mouth. Paul. No.

There's no energy in my ass. All right. If there is a George washing duck on Howard's $1 bill and his apartment is decorated with those posters, then are we to believe that every duck has some sort of human analog on Earth? If that's true, then is there a Howard the human on the duck planet? Whoa. That was an amazing question. Like, killing it.

If I had a prize, you would get it. Killing it, bro. Hey, that's how you do a question. That's how you do it. That's how you do an explanation. Hope. That's how, yeah, that's well done. And for everybody at home. I would say yes. Oh, oh, oh. And I want to tell you, there's one thing here. Sorry.

Okay, the whole movie, you're right, has these things. It's like Breeders of the Lost Ark, you know, My Little Chickadee. But then on the wall, Flashdance. No, it's Splashdance. Oh, it was? But still not a duck pun. Sort of. Sort of. Splash? Splashdance.

I'll allow it. Let us have it, Paul. You guys got it. I see where you're going, counselor, and I'll allow it. Is there any way, do you have the DVD in there and can we look for the moment when he tries to fly? I do have the DVD in here. He's walking through the streets. Okay. He's just landed in Cleveland. He's after this. Was that it? Was that it? No, that's not it.

- That's not it. - Wait, so we found a shot where he flaps his arms and that wasn't it? - That's not it, I'm telling you, that's not it. - June, he was knocking out of the way. - There, I'm talking-- ♪ Come run, we are the champions, my friends ♪ - No, no, have this man removed. He just got high fives from everybody. For those listening on the podcast, he got one million high fives.

After he comes out of the club and after the rape scene. Oh wait, that's, okay. I think it's when he's walking, it's a moment where he's walking alone. With her? He's almost listless and he tries to fly. Wait, he's list, he goes from listless to fly? Do you have the, okay, I'll find this on my own time. I promise it's there. No, no, no, we're gonna take as long as it, oh wait, I bet it's this. I bet it's this. And I love you shaking off the water. That's it, right? That's it.

No! That's not it! No! Go back to when he first landed on her. At any of these points. That's not it. All right, we'll just fast forward to the club. When he's on the streets. By the way. She's killing it. Right there! Right there! Wow, way to go, Junes. Oh!

- Oh, what? - That was great. - I'm breaking my fingers! - Wow, wow, wow. Jun did it. You did it. Jun was right. Jun was right. He did try to fly. Too bad we'll have to edit that out for the real show. - Oh my God, that was amazing. - Obviously-- - People stood up. - That was amazing, Jun. Well, you were right. That looked like a flight. That looked like flight.

Obviously, we had an opinion about this movie, but now it is time for a second opinion. These are five-star reviews called from Amazon. I will say there is one similarity to these reviews, and this is, I'll read it to you, and then I'll tell you. From S. Granger, writer and dad, he writes... I understand why someone who is looking for a great film would be disappointed. LAUGHTER

Fair enough. Howard the Duck is no saving Private Ryan or English patient. I'm listening. Thankfully, not all films are because then we'd be really bored. What Howard the Duck is is entertainment. It's a guy in a duck suit. It's pretty funny and refreshingly enjoyable. Five stars. Now, I will, now,

I read numerous reviews that slammed Saving Private Ryan and hoisted this up. I don't understand what the correlation is. - Bob Granger? - No, Saving Private Ryan. - No, written by Granger. - Oh no, no, by other people. Multiple people said, "Yeah, it's no Saving Private Ryan, but..." - They didn't come out at the same time, did they? - No. - Not at all, right?

Spielberg. Oh, Spielberg. But he's not involved in this. He's not in this. But that's why he's there. I guess. Yeah, I guess. Here's another one from Kevin Pitchford. He goes... KP! I know a lot of people think I'm crazy, but this is my favorite George Lucas film. Oh!

Maybe it was the fact that I gravitated towards being a small person in a strange foreign world that has yet to understand that I related to my childhood. But the best movies are the ones where you watch them and the movie never changes, but as you watch it at a different age and different point in your life, you notice so much more. - Whoa. - I can't explain my fondness of Howard the Duck, but I love this movie. Some deep shit is going on over here.

The rest are all very positive. There's a lot of people who love this movie. And it seems unironically. I'm not one of them. Yeah, this movie is terrible. Would you recommend anyone to watch it? Nope. I kind of just wish it wasn't so long. So long. Yeah, I had to watch it in two nights. Like, I had to... Take a break. I had to take a break. You have to take a knee in the middle of it. It makes... Just like Jaden Smith in After Earth. Take a knee. Ha ha.

The movie, it just is bananas. It makes no sense. There is no, you're not doing anything. And the fact that it goes on for so long makes it like not enjoyable in the, this is stupid, right? It just is like, is this stupid thing still happening to me? Yeah, I feel like they were tackling so much because it should have been an animated film. So I think that it's like, what?

And, you know, that's cool. But at the same time, it's like, did they not have it in the system of Hollywood in 1986 where they would get Patton Oswalt in to punch up the script? I mean, why was it allowed to

to be so not funny all the time. I think the issue was, there's two issues at play. Number one, Lucas was like, I made Star Wars, so this is gonna be great. Like, and everyone's like, yeah. Now people are like, okay. Like, um,

But like, this is a great story. They said the film was optioned by Universal. They lobbied so hard to get this because the head of the studio had passed on all these other George Lucas projects that had gone on to be hugely successful. So he's like, "I'm gonna get this one! "This is the one!" And he got it without even reading the script.

And then he was promptly fired. But it seems to me like... You don't have to read the script. The title should give you enough. I wanted a whole movie on the Duck Planet. The Duck Planet would be great, right? Yeah, the Duck Planet was what I was excited about. I would like the Duck Planet. Oh.

In the cartoon, or in the comic book, Howard had a real distinct personality. He was gruff. He was existential. He was cool. And then they wanted to make him likable in the movie, but they didn't quite do it. So he's just sort of like middle of the road. Everything's kind of like...

of like middle of the road. Yeah. And just perverted. Yeah, it's, pervertedness goes through this movie. That's the, if there's a through line, it's pervert. Yeah. Like, there's just a guy with big, chunky frames and a trench coat like going, yeah, more of this. Yeah. Like, he was the Patton Oswalt of his day. Like, yeah, yeah, and then his tongue comes out. So you're saying Patton is a real pervert? I'm saying he was, he was the equivalent of punching up the script but they had a pervert, not Patton.

Guys, you heard it here. You heard it here. You're really taking Pat to task. Yeah, no, there is like, the duck titties, which we talked about a lot, I did especially, happens within the first three minutes of the movie. It's a PG movie. He opens, it's a PG movie. Not 13. Not 13. Not 13. He opens, the movie opens. And it's PG because you see titties, but they're duck titties? Yeah, duck titties. And they're puppet titties. Like, you've never seen.

If you missed Piggy's titties, according to the grading standards of this movie, you could. Yeah. Wow. In a way that is sexualized because she's in a bath. And she's singing like, I'm in love.

Is that it? No, she's like masturbating under those bubbles. Yes, absolutely, but she's also singing. Wait, did Danny Elfman do the music for this? No. Who did? Oh, Thomas Dolby. Thomas Dolby, that's right. Because everything sounded kind of oingo-boingo-y, and I thought it might have been Danny Elfman. Well, here's the best way to end. Any movie is great when it ends with a musical number, and here is just...

Just a bit, a bit of that musical number. Here we go. We're gonna release the big wave. Q-Hag ready, Q-Hag go! Howard, Howard, help me out. Release that rope there. Gotcha. And I'm just gonna pause it right there because basically this is the best ending of any movie. They've become hugely famous singing a song about their adventures.

Jim Robbins, who was a scientist, is now like a stagehand stage master. They have become, yeah, they're hugely famous. Howard the Duck is like a powerful manager in this world. He is dressed like Don Johnson. Yes. Everything has worked out for these people in the best of ways. And I think that, you know, when you do that in a movie, hey, come on, you got to leave with a smile on your face. Or hate in your heart. Yeah.

And then the end of the movie is basically Leah Thompson and him kind of huddle off to the side of the stage and go like, hey, you did it. Let's do this. Let's do it. Let's make duck babies. Like, let's make a hybrid form of life.

And that was Tobey Maguire. And that's what happened at Largo. A big thanks to Kristen Schaal. She was amazing. So good. You can follow me on Twitter, at Paul Scheer. You can follow June, at MissJuneDiane. Jason is not on Twitter. And for those of you that have been reading Aliens vs. Parker, a brand new issue is coming out July 3rd. Definitely check that out. We will see you next time. Bye-bye.

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