Matinee Monday: Garbage Pail Kids LIVE! (w/ Jon Lovett)
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I feel terrible, mom. Maybe it's a stomach virus, but I'm sure a little apple tea will help you feel better.

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Quite possibly the best movie ever made based on a Topps chewing gum trading card. We saw Garbage Pail Kids, the movie, so you know what that means.

Howdy, Schwarzenegger grow a baby in his belly, rock a rhinestone vest while whipping Justin to Kelly, or maybe see a burlesque show with Nick Crowe, and take a boat with Speed 2 hitting cruise control, J-Man, Big Paul, and the beautiful June, gonna take you from the groove all the way to the room, ran the games in street fight and hope to blow off steam, just a sucker punch the odd life of Timothy Green, sharp needle to Birdemic, how we staying alive, they call it in the badass, and he's on the

Hello people of earth and hello people of Largo. So excited to be back here.

We've been off for a little bit of time, and I gotta say, this audience is hot. They're ready for it. They are ready for it. First time we've ever gotten ba-ba-booied at a live show. So nervous about the energy that we have coming as the podcast continues. We have a... What a great lineup. We have a great guest tonight. We have a great guest tonight.

And let's just bring out the people that make this show. Please welcome Jason Manzoukas. What's up, jerks? Wow. Hot crowd. This makes me genuinely concerned for 930. A little. If 8 o'clock is this, 930 will be topless and attacking us. And that's just the guys. Yeah.

You know, we don't normally talk about the movies really that much before we watch them, but I had written you this week, and you responded to me about this movie. You're like, this movie seems gross. Yeah. This movie is T to B, gross. Top to bottom, disgusting. I did not care for this. I found it unsettling at all times. Guys, take it down a notch.

There are so many questions that I want to ask, and I'll get into it all. I'll answer them all. If you've got Q's, I've got A's, baby. Did you collect the Garbage Pail Kids when you were a kid? No. Okay. I did not. I did. Forgot about them. Brought my goddaughter to a comic book shop. Bought her a pack of Garbage Pail Kids. Why? And she went bonkers like...

my god it was in a good way or a bad way in the best way oh see I would never introduce this to children this is the thing of nightmares I think as a child looking at it you're like these are not children these are not kids well these are garbage pail monsters and should be treated accordingly we will one of them is an alligator alligator

That eats human flesh. Jason, we will talk about it throughout the show. All I'm going to say is you're wrong. Garbage Pail Kids have been known the world over. I'll get into that as well. And they recently just stopped production like in 2013. What? Yeah. So these have been coming in hot for a long time. What? Are you serious? Yep.

That is mind-blowing. I got some Garbage Pail Kid facts for you. But I'll save them. Saddest sentence in the English language. I would like to bring out my other co-host. Please welcome June Diane Rayfield. That is unnecessary. Push me aside. I had to get by to my seat.

Pushed me aside. Wow. Had to get here. I didn't know another way. Wow. June, how are you? I'm good. How are you, Paul? Good. I watched this movie with you. Brag. And my first question to you... Wow, we're really going in that direction for 8 o'clock. All right, so my first question for you, June, is where is your knowledge level on Garbage Pail Kids? Were you familiar that this existed as a trading card system?

So I wasn't a collect-a-maw kid. Saw Garbage Pail Kid cards. I think I had a few, like in a basket somewhere. Like they were... You were more of a basket kid then.

I was a basket collector as a child. You're almost like a... Tons of collections of baskets. You can't have one. You gotta have them all. You're like a blue jay. You just pick collector things and build a nest around yourself. Exactly. But I... You know what was... We have a lot to talk about. I wish we didn't have a second show. But...

I know. I feel like you guys have to restrain your energy. This is going to be a long one. I definitely was aware. I had an awareness of the Garbage Pail Kids. I think my sisters may have had a card or two. You're talking about a card or two. They came in packs of like eight cards.

Like, it would be harder to have just one or two. Were you guys just, like, picking them up loose off the street? No, it's like... Like, like, like Lucy's? Like a couple of loose cigarettes? It wasn't like a VHS tape or something. We had a lot of love in my family, but there was some amount of dysfunction.

And the toys were never organized, so you'd find a doll's head or a Barbie arm. It was just all, everything was all together and nothing was organized. And so yeah, I remember seeing a card or two lying around. But what I didn't know was the lore of the Garbage Pail Kids, the history of the Garbage Pail Kids, and how they ended up in Garbage Pails. Yes.

Well, first of all, June, I'm going to almost say... And I'm not sure I know it yet. I'm also going to say I don't know if this is canon. I don't know if this movie is canon. That's interesting. I would respond to you. I just don't even understand what you're saying. So they're in a safe. That's what I heard. But I don't know. Let's just wait. Let's wait on that. When we come to the audience, you can do your screaming then. Question mark. We'll give you plenty of time.

All right. Yeah, I mean, you know, I was with you when I saw this and I didn't feel well watching it. It is upsetting to watch. This is a horror film. Yeah.

That's the genre that the Garbage Pockets falls into. I've got questions from the jump. Yeah. I want to know what's up. There's a lot to get to. We will get to it all. It's the only movie that we've ever watched together where you've asked me multiple times within the first 25 minutes, is it almost over? Yeah.

It's almost over? I'm like, we haven't even gotten to the 30 minute mark. And you know why? Because usually we're watching something and it's on iTunes and I can see when we pause it how much time we have left. This was a DVD. Yes. And so once it went on, I had no idea where we were. And it was like being in a black hole. It was so scary. It was like being in the dark garbage pail. It was terrifying.

It was terrifying. I feel like a man sang a song that trapped me in a pail and forced me to watch this movie. And I am that man. Paul Scheer. Well, tonight we have a very special guest. You know him as one of the co-founders of Crooked Media. He is one of the co-hosts of Pod Save America. He also is the host of Love It or Leave It. John, love it! There you are. Welcome, John. Wow. Welcome. I just...

You got some audible gasps there. I heard the gasps. And whoever gasped, that's the level. That's right. I appreciate it. It is so interesting to be here. Well, I will ask you, John. We brought you here because you're an expert in all things Garbage Pail Kids. That's what everybody knows about you. That's the headline. What was your introduction to Garbage Pail Kids? If so...

When I saw that the movie was Garbage Pail Kids, I actually realized that I had combined Cabbage Patch Kids and Garbage Pail Kids in my mind. But that's legit. No, it is not. Well, no. Cabbage Pail Kids are adorable. Aren't Garbage Pail Kids a parody of Cabbage Pail Kids? Yes, it is satire. It is satire. The greatest art. They have names. And the font looks exactly the same. Yes.

It is a parody. So I said to two friends that I was going to have to watch this movie and one friend said, I love the Garbage Pail Kids. And another friend said, you are going to hate this movie. It is so gross.

And that was correct. Well, that was kind of my, I will say right off the bat, my issue with this movie was not gross enough. What? Yeah. These are grosso grossos. At several points during the movie when, what was her name, Victoria Vomit? Valerie Vomit. Valerie Vomit was on screen in a close-up. Paul was screaming at her, Vomit, Vomit.

That's her name. Isn't it nice to know that even now, 1,000 years into this process of doing this podcast, Paul still gets fired up while watching the movie? Oh, I get into it. Because here's the thing. Wendy Winston, who is like the farter, he farts the whole movie. So, yes. And of course he does. It serves a few key plot points.

serve as the plot a few key moments. You're not appreciating the fact that that vomit was the jaws of this movie. It was scary because you didn't see it. It's smart. And it was safe. It's true. Yeah. And it was safe. You really are waiting for it. You really are. It's that anticipation that makes you enjoy the movie more, question mark? Yeah.

I also feel like, just like Jaws the movie, there was mechanical difficulty that she would have been puking the entire time. Like, we got one shot at it, the animatronic will break. They couldn't even move their mouths, never mind get liquid out of it. Can we, okay, can we, if we're there now, let's spend, I need to talk about the size of these creatures. Because there were times... I also want to know, what are they?

Are they? Don't know. I can't answer that. Well, are they kids? The movie starts on a spaceship. Am I wrong? You are not wrong. Am I wrong? It is a... The movie starts on a spaceship. A garbage... Are they kids from out of space? A garbage... Well, you feel like it's coming from space to land to Earth, but then you're immediately cut into an antique store, and the garbage pail is there. It's not like nothing crashed. So...

There's some data. There's some information that the movie has to help us understand what these things are. Yes. First of all, they do not have mothers. By the way, neither does Dodger. Neither does Dodger. Where is his family? Where is his house? Does he? Where does he live? Why is he bathing in the antique shop twice? Where is his bedroom? Twice. Twice this boy is nude in front of his boss.

Well, at a height... For the purpose of getting cleaned up. He was like, we got to get you in the shower. We got to get you in the bath. Those garbage pail kids are looking at his naked body. Nope. Why not just go home? Why not go home? He never goes home. What's going on? Or go to school. I was getting like... Neither happens. So we were talking about the size of them, June, right? So...

There are times, so when I first saw them, I thought, oh, God. Oh, God. I thought they were about, I know this is an audio medium, but I thought that they were about this high. That they were the size of, like, a toddler. Yeah. Then I saw them again, and they were bigger than a grown man. The scale of them was off. They're wide. They're wider than humans. Well, their heads are the size of, like, um...

Um, like a Mini Cooper? Like the smallest Mini Cooper. Their heads are enormous. Why? What's going on? Well, here's the thing. I mean, I know we started off here, but are they kids? Because there's definitely a baby. Definitely an alligator.

And then there's two girls, both who have pigtails, and wear kind of old-timey aprons and stuff. One of them is a 1950s greaser who can pick locks, and they're all seamstresses. Yes. Oh, that...

Like, to me, when I was thinking about that, it was like, all right, pitch us your garbage kid movie. It's about fashion. Great. Greenland. Like, that, like, wait a second. What? Why would you ever equate...

and garbage pail kids. It's just like the fairy tale about the cobbler who goes to sleep at night and the elves make all the shoes except it's alien garbage pail kids who are, I believe, sexually active alcoholics, one of whom is a crocodile that eats people's toes and they're pretty fucking gross.

If I were pitching this movie... I will green light that movie. If I were pitching this movie, I would set the Garbage Pail Kids in like a... In like a reform school for girls or something like that. I would set them in like a manner school. Like a home for the ugly? State home for the ugly.

Stay home for the ugly. Introduce at minute 50. Which, by the way, the main character is like, yeah, they kept on mentioning that stay home for the ugly. I never looked into it. It's a giant building in the center of town. And it's with the letters stay home for the ugly written on it. It's not hidden at all. It's not a rumor. This is what's weird, too, because the...

I feel like this movie conflates two ideas. There's being a gross garbage pal kid, but then there's being ugly. And... I want to see where this is going. No, I was actually, I was very upset by the way they used the word ugly and what things they decided were ugly or not ugly. Too old! Too old. Too fat!

Santa is pictured as the person incarcerated for being too fat. They're set side by side. Too silly is a clown. And too bald, I believe, was Gandhi? Yes. Is that crazy? And too weird was just a man wearing a bra over his shirt.

There's one thing that I loved about the clown, though. But then I will say, and I just very quickly... Please. Go ahead. You say it. No. I loved that the clown... Please go ahead about the clown because we're picturing it. I loved that the clown, despite being in a cage for being too silly, still remained pretty silly. Yeah. He was not...

I feel terrible, mom.

Tal vez es un virus estomacal, pero seguro que un poco de té de manzanilla te ayudará a sentir mejor.

But to be safe... Do your annual check-up. Most of the plans for Ambit Health's health insurance include annual checks without cost. Choose between a wide network of local doctors and specialists. Consult them in person or virtually on your phone or computer. Ambit Health has plans that fit your needs and your pocket. You can sign up from November 1st. Get more information at AmbitHealthIsBetter.com.

When it comes to your health, you must be well-safe. Get more information at AmBetterHealthIsBetter.com. AmBetter Health is the brand used for the products and services offered by the subsidiaries of Centene Corporation. Visit AmBetterHealth.com to know the offers in your state. This is a safe promotion. To be well-safe, choose AmBetter Health. Get more information at AmBetterHealthIsBetter.com.

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Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval. Is the Chicken Big Mac still a Big Mac? It's got two chicken patties, the pickles, the lettuce, ooh, the cheese, the sesame seed bun, and it's got the sauce. It's not not a Big Mac. Get it while you can. And participate in McDonald's for a limited time. Well, let's go step back for a second and say...

Is this a kid's movie? Because I would have some issues with that. It's not a kid's movie, right? There's an alligator with a foot fetish. It is not a kid's movie. If it is a kid's movie, is Dodger the point of view character for the children? Because if so, no thanks. Dodger is being chased by bullies who seemingly are in their late 20s, early 30s. They're...

He is chased by two Barry's boot camp instructors. Yeah. It's who he's chased by. Into a confrontation with Juice. I was fascinated by Juice. So as far as I can tell, Juice has three sources of income. Robbing children for singles. Ah!

Selling uglies, because we didn't get to this, but the stay-at-home for the ugly buys uglies. Yeah. That's their business. I missed that. What? They give him a bounty. He's a bounty. There's money in it somehow. He's like a bounty hunter for ugly people. And then finally... That's the world of this movie. The third source of income...

But Juice, who is a master criminal, his third source of income is selling clothes outside of a nightclub. Yeah. Clothes made by monsters. That his girlfriend theoretically makes, but are really eventually just made by the Garbage Pail Kids. You're forgetting, I will say, his fourth source of income, which is Jason Patrick from The Lost Boys impersonator. LAUGHTER

But I just, there was one thing that was amazing about Juice, which he said, which Dodger is terrified of Juice because the last guy who snitched on Juice got poured into the West Side Highway. Yes. So he's a murderer. Yeah. And it's never, and maybe I'm wrong, never established why this man wants Sean Astin dead. Like, he... Oh, sorry, Mackenzie. Sorry, yes.

I'll just call him by his rifle name, Dodger. But yeah, you would think, well, at one point they're going to reveal what he did. Nope. That is for your own imagination to figure out why this team of people who, on their second time of beating him up, bring him down to the sewer and pour shit on him. That was horrible. Whipped from pipes that are so specifically labeled...

Such as to have a single pipe under a city street that goes to one person's hot tub. So that later in the movie, when they want to put shit into the hot tub that the bad guys are in, they just are like, as if the town has a single hot tub? Well, I would also like to say that was a great place for comedy because one of the pipes was labeled primetime TV because it's shit.

See, this is what's weird about the age of the garbage bucket. Sorry to go back to this, but Nat, the nerd or Nat nerd? Oh, yeah. Okay, so this is what's weird. So he has horrible acne.

That's clear. So is he a teenager? That's the problem, is that he must be hormonal, and so at least like 13 or 14, he's pissing himself. Yeah. Oh, constantly. He's pissing himself left and right. Constantly, and every time expects them to be like on board for it, and is shocked they're not. He's like, what? I didn't know. I think you did. Yeah.

Well, but shouldn't his name not have been Nat the Nerd? Shouldn't it have been like Pete the Pisser? Because like... And also, why is he wearing a Garbage Pail Kid Superman outfit? Is that because he's a nerd? What are they? What are they? I want to know. And it's your fault.

It's your fault we don't. John, you bring up, like, you said, like, in minute 50, they bring up the home for the ugly, but they also bring up, like, I would say around minute 45, like, we got to find our friends. And you're like, wait, who? What? Those friends are given such short shrift. They look for them for two minutes. Then later, the only other reference to them, they find out in passing that they were crushed to death in a garbage truck. Yes.

And then never mentioned again, never referenced, happy ending. We never even met them. By the way, something was going on with, what's the guy's name who owns the antique shop? Captain Mandolin or whatever his name is. Captain. Something was going on with Captain because he says to Dodger that they can't go there until it's night out. Then they go back because they're going to sneak in to the stay home for the ugly. Then they go back at night and you think they're going to sneak in or he just goes through the front gate.

and is immediately escorted out, and then they give up trying to find their friends. And in the interim, those kids are murdered. They're murdered. Yeah, they've passed on. By state employees. This is a government facility that is exterminating the ugly. What world is this? Is this America? Is this America right now? No.

Relax. I will argue that I know where it is, and it was one block of some back lot in Hollywood. Everything was shot. Tangerine lives next door to the antique shop. By the way, Avenue Q, when you see Avenue Q on stage, they have more footage than this movie had of buildings. I feel like, oh, wow, that was a real block. This is like two doors. That's all they had.

So many questions. So many things to talk about. I just want to go back because we were talking about the bullies. Yes. This movie has like 700,000 amazing lines in it and crazy nonsense. One of which is at the end of the introductory bully scene, one of the women goes to the other woman, these are my kind of guys. Real psychos. Yeah.

I love that character, by the way. I loved her so much. She was incredible. She's amazing. She's by everything. She's a tough. She's a real tough. She's the fucking best character in this movie. She's obsessed with her. She is always wearing a leopard print leotard. She is stronger than Juice. She is stronger than the gay one that is silent. The gay one who has literally never seen a basketball before and is so distracted by it, he gets beat up by a child.

Yeah, his henchmen need a little bit of an upgrade because those kids are really running roughshod on them in that place. Can I play a little scene from when we first meet Juicy or we just take a listen? Okay, creep, gimme. I don't have any money. If he ain't got money, he ain't got nothing. You're running out of time, creep. So much makeup. No, please. Little baby gonna cry? Wall-E.

Let go! And again, if you're listening... This is my kind of guy. Real psychos. Stop it, Blythe. Juice is mine. They literally... Watching that scene again...

I can't impress upon you enough, these look like 30-year-old people beating up a 12-year-old kid. Yeah, and Mackenzie Astin looks appropriately like a child. As a movie that would star, I'm assuming, kids. Well, it would be. He is like the child of the movie. Everybody else is a grown adult, including the Garbage Pail Kids, I think. I think they are eternal kids.

Well, the Garbage Pail Kids can legally drink. We know that. Oh, yeah. They have hangovers. They get drunk. They are... But they had a hangover from food, though. They had a food hangover. They were just super full. Yeah. And they all had ice packs on their heads. They're like, this is my kind of bar. Why? Yeah. Have you been to bars before? No, that's what's so uncomfortable. I mean, the Garbage Pail Kids are down to fuck. Like, they are just...

They're sexually harassing every woman in that movie theater, by the way. Just assaults. He kisses a woman in the seats at the movie theater. Yeah. Excuse me. And then kisses her, right? And then another one takes a knife out to a couple that is together. And then tries to make the moves on another one. She's like, get away from me. Okay. I need to return to the beginning, though. How did they... How did they...

I think outer space. So they must be some kind of an alien. We find out, so there is one sentence that I think is instructive because it tells us a lot about the captain. He says this, and I wrote it down because it's one of the best sentences. A damn fool invented gunpowder and a bigger damn fool split the atom. That's when I decided to leave mankind to its folly and retire here to this world of memories.

So first of all, this is a narcissist and a lunatic. Now, he also says that this can is Pandora's pail. It is so dangerous, it will unleash a kind of destruction upon the world we've never seen before. And so he places a helmet on it.

A helmet that does not seem to be that heavy at all. And also, they appear to be able to get out on their own. And then he says to them, one of my favorite lines here, if I catch anyone out there, I'll be surprised. But it seems from the rapport he has with a lot of these Garbage Pail Kids that he's met them before. Yes. That he's spent time with them. They've gotten out of the pale.

Well, they are ooze, right? They are... They're not like... They're not bodies in that pail. That's my question. Yeah. Because the pail turns over and a green ooze comes out and then they're children. Right. So they somehow... There's a morphing process that we're not seeing. Does that exist in the...

What is, do we know the setup of what these, is there a thing we're missing? By the way, I just figured out a better movie. You have a bunch of kids who are a bunch of little hoodlums or something, and they're breaking into this guy's shop. They knock over the garbage can, the ooze comes out, and then they're transformed into garbage pail kids. Then there's at least something, but no, I thought that would get a huge round of applause. LAUGHTER

It's a great pitch for that reboot. But we know nothing about them. We don't know what they want. We don't know why they're there. But we must presume he has the captain. Oh, boy. Who I don't know what his deal is other than he has ownership over Dodger and a bunch of kids in a garbage pail. Like, this is a person of interest. And by the way,

a single customer in that store. No. Which Dodger says. He basically is like, we've only made two sales in the last couple of months or something. So this is a sex dungeon of some kind. Yes! Because... For kids! Because basically he's trying to tell Dodger, like, these kids are so dangerous, we could never let them out. But then when they come out, they're just little gross weirdos and they're fine. Yeah, they don't take over the world. They don't do anything really wrong at all. I mean, they disrupt a screening of The Three Stooges. Yeah.

a classic revival house of Three Stooges. They drive around on tiny ATVs. Where did that come from? Where did that one go to Suzuki? It's also in the pail? By the way, um, this is the synopsis that was on iTunes and it's a little bit more descriptive than the entire film. Um,

What the fuck? What? What?

Wait, and you mistakenly corrected the bad typo in the beginning. Seven disgusting kids, but nevertheless of interesting personality. Not a typo, but like it's weirdly, this is weirdly phrased. So I don't care for this.

It wasn't set up like Gremlins. Gremlins was like, here's a weird thing. Don't feed him after midnight. Here are the rules. There's no rules. No TV. Because when they're watching the TV to find their friends, I just thought the friends were setting up a sequel. We've got to find more of the Garbage Pail Kids. This was going to be their Guardians of the Galaxy. Yeah.

This was the beginning of a whole universe. We were going to find those other Garbage Pail children. Yes, the expanded Tops universe. That was, by the way... Where they come into contact with players from Major League Baseball. Anybody who had a trading card comes into contact with the Garbage Pail kids. Is that Jose Canseco? Another juice. I will say this. That's right.

I know stuff about sports. Josie Canseco, right? Oh, boy. The first movie, it was the first movie to be based on trading card sticker. Yeah, sure. But then the sequel was canceled immediately after the movie came out. But then in 2012, Michael Eisner was like, let's do it again.

And he had plans to self-finance and produce a feature based on Garbage Pail Kids, and then it was canceled a year later. Well, I mean, now that you've said, though, that these...

were still in production as late as whatever you said, 2012? 2013, yeah. Then I get it. You know, like I would have thought in my cultural awareness of these characters ended in whatever this is, 1980 whatever. You know, I never thought, did you guys, young people, collect these or have knowledge of this? Why not just make them, why not just make Dodger like a teenager and just cast these, cast kids as the Garbage Pail Kids?

Yeah, yeah. I mean there is makeup on their face and just kind of movie here. We just didn't you know We are not we have the IP is sound Source material like you could very easily do it exactly like yes Paul and make it gremlins with these little monster kids Well here can I just say how popular garbage pile kids are they're so popular. They've been all over the world in Japan They're called mr. Creepy

Better name. In Australia, they're called the garbage gang. They're called trashlings in Latin America. They're called the trash gang in Brazil. They're called the snotlings in Italy. That's really prioritizing one of them. They're called the filthies in France and the totally broken kids in Germany. Oh, that's sad. Totally, I love, that's like so German. The totally broken kids in Germany.

Shattered children. And Jason, I went wrong. These cards are still being made. 2017, they're still making cards. What? Yeah. They're out there. There's been 1,830 Garbage Pail Kids. I did feel badly for the Garbage Pail Kids. You're right. I didn't mind them overall. I mean, what am I talking about? I hated them and they made me feel sick. But they were, I don't know. They were just causing mischief. I genuinely felt for them when they said they didn't have moms.

But then I thought, well, how do they even know of moms? What do they know? What is their life? Did they ever have moms? Are they scientific experiments? Are they aliens? They cannot be children, right? They aren't kids. They come out of a garbage can in outfits. Yes. And they're adult outfits. Dressed as adults.

Well, one of them is in a onesie. Let's take this. Let's take this. They are, well, we can, okay. We can presume because of the origin of the fact that they were based on Cabbage Patch Kids, they are meant to be sentient dolls, question mark? Okay. Is that possible? Is that possible that they were dolls and dressed up, some like babies, some like greasers, some like whatever, and that the dolls in the ooze brought the dolls to life?

Oh, that's interesting. I think the only-- By the way, I'll take it. The only thing that we know for sure is they're definitely part of the Pepsi generation.

So I assume that Pepsi was involved in that scene. Oh, heavily. But my question would be, why? Like, I get, like, this, we figured out the perfect, we want disgusting little monsters that vomit and pee all the time. That's us. That's Pepsi. As Pepsi, we're a family brand, so we love when they go to bars, get into huge bar fights and fart on people so bad that their mustaches fall off.

We want these fuckers drinking Pepsi. Not only do we want them to drink Pepsi, we want them to steal our trucks, drive them away, and have that Pepsi for themselves. Where did these kids learn how to drive? These are...

pale monsters. Or how to sew. They know how to do everything better than the humans in the movie. They give dating advice. Oh yeah. These creatures have understood the nuances of Dodger's relationship with Tangerine to the point where they let him know that he's going to discover that she's not right for him but they also know he's not there yet. Yeah. It was...

That's amazing. They are. And I would argue they never even met her, right? They didn't even meet her when they kind of met. You're right in the sense that they have a fundamental understanding of a romantic comedy story structure. And that they are bringing it to bear on their gross movie.

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I'm starting to feel like they were not kids at all and not dolls but rather like a gang. A street gang named the Garbage Pail Kids. Okay. Where everybody takes on, you know, that sort of gang way. It's like the Warriors or something where they're all like they're dressed in costumes. Yeah, like a character. Or our gang, like the kids in like the Little Rascals. Yes, exactly. And everybody sort of like puts on their character. But they're adults.

And like the jokes on us that we think they're actual kids. I guess so. Other, I just keep coming back to the fact that one of them's a straight up baby. But remember when they said. I don't know how to reconcile that. One of them is a baby that is the same height as the rest of them, but is for sure a baby. One is not for nothing an alligator, period. Period, end of story. It just occurred to me.

That we know two things. That the one in the onesie is asking everybody, Mama, are you my mama? That was upsetting. And we also know that they do not have mothers. And we also, and then there, and then there was, and then one of them is kind of doing some very suspect stuff when he's playing doctor with the other one. And she's like, don't touch me there. And he's like, hey, I haven't finished the examination. What was that about?

One of them is Andrew Dice Clay. Yes. I could make a convincing argument. I believe that that just was Andrew Dice Clay. Forced perspective. There's a lot of great stories about this movie and the behind the scenes of it. The one thing that I found to be the most interesting was...

the director, they had kind of given him a mock-up of what these Garbage Pail Kids would look like. And he's like, great, and then these will get better during the production. This is like the first draft. And they're like, yeah, yeah. And they never got better. Shockingly. So he agreed to make this movie based on something where their mouths didn't move. And they turn like they all have broken their necks. They're just like...

There's no mobility on these characters. Oh, and they talk and their mouths don't move. Yeah. And their mouths are frozen in a look. Like a grimace. They all share the same face that looks scared. Yeah. They themselves look scared of themselves. It's like, it's a sad harrowing tale of children who are scared of growing up.

and the state that they have been forced to live in. Should we just... Also, I just want to reiterate, one of them's an alligator wearing clothes that eats toes and human eyeballs. What? By the way... What? If we're talking about the alligator... Alligator? I think we got to bring up this. Does the alligator look... Does the alligator look like anyone you know? And Avril pointed out, looks exactly like Gary Busey.

Hawaiian shirt, mussy hair. Loves to eat eyeballs. And also the father of Jake Busey.

There are two. There are. Like, it works. It really does work if you Google and put them together. Alligator and Gary Busey. I'll say this. I'll just say to our fans, why not cut a trailer for Point Break that has alligator in all the Gary Busey parts? Come on, nerds. Oh, my God. I would love it. Uh.

Well, there's... We have barely scratched the surface. Well, I think it's time to maybe talk about the fact that the movie also, for a brief two minutes, becomes a musical. Minute 36! I paused it because I thought it was almost over.

And the song, isn't the lyric of the song, it's so poorly, it's like, we do better when we. We work together. We're together when we, we do better when we. I think I got it here. We work together. Here we go. I hope you don't have it. This is the song. This is the song that happens. Why should we do something nice? Let's quit now, that's my advice. We're with each other. I ain't gonna work for free. Tell me what's in this for me.

Come on, kids. Take a shot. Show them what we really... They break into a sweatshop. A non-union sweatshop. They break in. They're criminals. The baby is one of the tallest. They pull out all the panes of glass at a sweatshop. Help a friend out over there.

your friendship to the test Rick and Rick Rick and Rick that was Paul can you Paul can you rewind it a little bit and play it just again but with the sound off yeah yeah what do you need to say this is how I feel like it goes just play it at any point okay sure this is what I feel like the subtext of the whole movie is with the sound down

I feel like it's like this. Ready? I'm just waiting for a close-up on one of them. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me. Get me out of here. Help me. Please help me. Please God, help me. Ah, you shut up. Help me. Help me. Get me out of here. Help me. Oh God, where are we going? Hey, we can get out of here. Like, that's what this movie is. I feel like these people are being held prisoner in these costumes. Let me add one more detail to the hell, the hellscape that these people had to endure. Uh,

They shot in sets without air conditioning. Oh! Honest question, how many people died during the making of this movie? Well, the Dodger said it was a surprise that no one did die. Yeah, that was it. Mackenzie Astin, who did this movie, auditioned without his dad, knowing his dad was Sean Astin. Oh, sorry, John Astin. Wait, is he Sean Astin's brother? Yeah.

Yes. When John Astin saw the script, he thought it was so poor. This is Patty Duke's son? Yes. By the way, I thought he did a fine job. Oh, yes. I wrote down, this kid is good. I put that down. Honestly, he's doing the Lord's work in this movie. He's...

He's the only compelling actor in this movie. The only actor. I would say, yeah, it's one of three people who you actually see their actual face, too. But I would say the one thing that I thought was odd, though, was his choice in how he played seeing Tangerine in a bra. I agree. Because he plays it scared. I think he'd be like, whoa. But he's like,

You're like, as if, like, you're the people who killed my parents. He backs away. He's like, you know what? He, like, is trying to get away from her as if her boobs are a garbage pail kit. He is more scared of her boobs than he is the straight-up monsters who watch him bathe. So I have to say...

I'm just going to have to disagree with that choice, with your description of his choice. I thought it was real. I thought it was an interesting way to approach it. Here is this 14-year-old. He is an orphan. He lives with some kind of a sex criminal. Yeah, this is the victim of sexual abuse. You have this older woman who is a criminal as well. She is a criminal and a sociopath. Hell bench on fashion success. Yes.

And all of a sudden, she's like hitting on him, and he's never had this kind of a real thing before, and it's scary. He freaks out. He's never been kissed before, and this adult woman takes her shirt off because another lunatic wants to buy it for cash right before, for some reason, they get into an actual fight. Did you see that? She takes her shirt off to sell it to a stranger at a nightclub

then says something insulting, then they have to drag the consumer away. And our hero's only recourse to get away from this situation once Juice shows up is to zip himself into a duffel bag. Here's the thing about buying clothes outside of a nightclub. If you were to go shopping outside of a nightclub, where would you put your purchases?

Like, that really disturbed me, are they? Because, I mean, I can understand, like, oh, I'd rather wear that shirt. I'll take that one and I'll put this one on. But then do you just have to throw out the clothes that you came with? It's also, yeah, it's not like you're trading. No, you're purchasing them. So that you would wear what you got. No, you're right. You don't want to have, like, a shopping bag at the club. No, I barely want to have a purse with me. But see, the thing is, I think, June, that you've really missed something important. Which is...

This happens all the time. Right. They knew she was going to be out there. These women know that tangerine comes to the club with the best clothes. I would say she shows up like those people who sell street hot dogs when the bar is closing. And they... No, they're good. Oh, they're wrapped in bacon? Yeah, I'll take two. And look...

When I go shopping, I don't try things on. There's a loose collection of different colored items. And I pick them up and I look at them and I'm like, $10? You know, yes. And by the way, I will say, we shouldn't shit on it too much. Tangerine is a sponsor of this show. She puts a box of clothing together, whatever she wants, and you take it. This is the exact kind of small business, entrepreneurial spirit that the internet is putting out of business. Yes.

Now listen, I liked some of Tangerine's fashion. Well, by the way, June, we have a fashion show here. Get her on the profit. If there's anything that you want me to stop on to talk about, you can just see she's wearing some leotards here. This is an odd thing where her arm is like in the boy in the plastic bubble, but just her arm. This is like a traffic pattern.

This is another. I want to see some of the bows on her head. Yeah, there's some bows. Lots of scrunchies as well. Lots of scrunchies, lots of bows.

When she became hypnotized, that was weird. I don't think she was hypnotized, but at the end when she's in her final look and she's staring in the mirror, dead. She's such an interesting character. I mean, the fashion show at the department store was, first of all, so brightly lit in there. I'm like, can someone just like, can we get some mood lighting for this fashion show? She behaved backstage as though this was her hundredth fashion show.

And that she had been through this before and nobody knows what to do. This is the first time she's ever had a fashion show. June, did you see how many different women she went up to and told them they were ugly? Because that is what you do. I hope that's not your real hair. That's what you say to a model about to take your clothes, your first big show. You're going to ruin her confidence? She is wearing a disco ball.

And you're going to insult her? And by the way, these women were beautiful, and that woman's hair was beautiful. It was great. I mean, it just made no sense. But her fashions are for beautiful people, so she has a very high standard. It even says it on the label. Tangerine for beautiful people. A lot of her fashions, or I guess a lot of the Garbage Pail Kids fashions, appeared on the bottom to be garbage bags.

Yeah. Like black plastic skirts made out of garbage bags. Well, listen, here's the thing. The first thing they, their first. This is also not her fashion line. No. She's not. She did not do this. But that's what's weird about the Garbage Pail Kids. They did make a beautiful jacket for Dodger. Wait, Dodgers? Dodgers jacket? Yeah. They made a beautiful jacket, but why not make those clothes for themselves?

They exhibit, and I guess maybe a lot of designers and hair and makeup people are like this. Like you'd never know that this is the world they came from because they present themselves like garbage buckets. Please name names. That is a dangerous game, June. So I get that, but they- You should see the way John Varvato stresses. Just in a booger encrusted bit. I take back everything I just said.

I heard that Garbage Pail Kids are gonna be contestants on this season of Project Runway. And Michael Kors was like, "Not good enough."

But they are quite good as just designers. They're not working from a pattern. Nope. They are just... Oh, it's all intuition. Yeah. They're great at romance and fashion. When you got those Garbage Pail Kids, you always thought, while they're disgusting, I wonder what they would do if I gave them a couple pieces of fabric. Also, where did they get the fabric? Is it just what's in the antique store?

Yeah, I guess, I'm going back to the song now, too. This movie is so morally ambiguous, because it's like, that's a song that should be in a kid's movie. Like, work together. Got it. Like, we're stronger as a team. Then it's like, get drunk, drive home, get into bar fights, play doctor...

take a knife to humans, eat their feet. Assault women at a movie theater where they watch The Three Stooges. Here's the thing. The Garbage Pail Kid kisses a woman who's just at the movies, just at the movies, and then says, Mommy?

As if, like, that's the get out of jail free card for just, like, non-consensual kissing. But by the way, there's a lot of moments like that where they go, you're a real ugly garbage pail kids. And then Mackenzie Asin's like, I don't think you're ugly. And she's like, you want to make out? He's like, oh, no. Like, they're very quick to switch gears. They seem super horny sometimes.

Well, they've been in the pale such a long time. Yeah, I guess that's it. And you don't think they're fucking in that pale? They're totally fucking in the pale. They're all the same ooze. So are they all the same entity? Oh, God. They get into a bar fight because the alligator one, who is one of them,

He's just a walking alligator. So much so that when they want to go to the movies and one of them is like, I have disguises for us. They all put on trench coats and hats, but one of them is still a fucking alligator. So guess what? You can all go to the movies wearing trench coats and hats, but the alligator's got to stay home. Because he's a fucking alligator. Yeah.

No one recognizes him as an alligator, though. Even when they catch him at the bar, they're like, stop eating feet, you human. And then the guy at the bar is like, ah, they're okay. And they all get wasted and party with these fucking monsters. And I don't want to quibble about it, but Dodger is not there for this. He's not there when they go to the bar. There's a long stretch where he's not on screen. And they never discuss it.

But then, when Dodger needs help, he goes to the bar and he says, he doesn't say garbage bale kids. They never say it in the movie. But he knows how to say, what does he say? He says, our friends are in trouble. Get your motorcycles. I need your help to open a window. Laughter

By the way, the longest rescue scene, the most boring rescue scene is just an open window watching, just here's another one come out. Here's another one. No danger, no impending doom. Just a slow procession of garbage pail kids being awkwardly lifted through a window. Also, it looked like their jail cell in the state home for the ugly was...

really large, like too big for the amount of Garbage Pail Kids that were there. Well, I think until just recently it held more Garbage Pail Kids. Oh, they're friends. They're actively being smushed. I would have rather this movie had other, like, smushing, like, Jersey Shore style and watch those Garbage Pail Kids. Fuck! I want to watch them get it in. So... Oh! No, just...

They introduced the concept of ugliness late in the movie. Yes. And here's the thing. I was actually really troubled by this because the Garbage Bail Kids are not ugly. They're gross. Right. And that is different. That's a good point. And here's the thing. The Garbage Bail Kids, again, they are satire.

All right? Of the Cabbage Patch Kids. They are subversive and they are dangerous. And that is what they... When you were... I was a kid and I remember kids having the Garbage Pail Kids and it was like cool. Yeah. They were banned from school. You couldn't bring them to school. They were dark and mysterious and interesting and they were for kids with like older brothers because they were tough, weird, little gross dudes that told your teachers like, I'm going to puke on you. Whatever. Yeah.

But then they're just thrown in jail for being ugly. Yeah, it seems like they should be like too much snot would be why they should go to that jail because it seems like everything else is too snotty. Here's the thing about being ugly in the state home. Ugly is the code for other, really. Yeah, socially undesirable. Yes. And the weird thing about that, too, is that it's not a society in which, because you see them try to round up ugly kids, right?

At one point... With a net. With a net, which is really disturbing. But it's not a society in which everyone's beautiful. So I kind of wanted to say to those cops, at some point, throw yourselves in jail. That's where you're headed. Those cops are running around like dog catchers. They throw a net over a young girl and they're like, oh, it's just a mask. And they were bummed out. But how many people are they executing a day? There is a fucking holocaust going on in this town. Right.

Right, but this isn't, what's so strange about this movie is that they're also not setting up a worldview in which like, oh, this is a statement about society and the whole town or world feels this way. It's just a few people who have this home. And also the kids, the Garbage Pail Kids, that is, don't represent some sort of

Like they should be allowed to live because they matter just as much as anybody or blah, blah, blah. There's no message to it. We know that because half of them I think are killed. Well, the other thing too is you, while everyone's talking, we were just playing. That baby is no good. Well, listen, I think what you were saying, John is right. That what, what we connected to in the garbage pail kids was the feeling of

My disgustingness as a kid is being celebrated. Yes. It's cool to be gross. Yes, it's cool to be gross. I know I'm a child. Of course I'm a monster.

And my instincts are, you know, these animal instincts. So that's why the Garbage Pail Kids were cool. But that's not this movie. No, because it's set up from the beginning that these children are dangerous. If not evil. Evil, and they cannot get out of the can. He keeps them captive. He won't let them leave. He says they're Pandora's box. So, and he, as June pointed out,

Spends a lot of time moving in and out of the state home for the ugly.

In fact... Something is going on with him. I thought he was going to be revealed to be a bad guy. Because he's the only one who ever looked into it. I'm like, you are the guy. You've been executing all these people. You're the villain. It's right in front of our face. But no, he wasn't. He was just a good guy who was kind of lazy. But because of the atom bomb, you see the atom... Once man split the atom, he gave up on us. And he was no longer going to help us. Only he's going to help the little kid like a bat. Do you think he's some sort of...

immortal wizard? He does have really... He has really... Wow! That was not a sincere question on my part. And that was almost universal agreement. He has a book called... I don't know you guys anymore. His book is called Really Black Magic. You know, that's how dark...

Like, just not, not just black magic. And I love that it's italicized. Yeah, really. Really black magic. There was one very funny person involved in this movie, and it was the person that did that stuff. Oh, yeah. The sewer stuff. There were non-union sweatshop. A funny person was there.

while this movie was being made. Absolutely. I feel like they were trying to get it in. All of those signs, all of those props are cries for help. You know, I am thinking about this thing about the kids just, again, going a little bit deeper than we probably need to, but wouldn't it have been interesting if these gross kids...

brought joy to people. They don't even bring joy to people. They don't do one good thing the whole movie. They don't help anybody. They make some clothes for an evil fashion designer. The story should have been this. Dodger should have been struggling with whether he was good or bad, with whether he was a good kid or a bad kid. And the Garbage Pail Kids should have been able to teach him along the way that you're both bad.

And the monster side of yourself is a part of you and your grossness is a part of you just as much as the movie. That is beautiful. But they didn't teach him anything. That is beautiful. I don't know what they're... I don't... I am moved. Yeah. And again, a reminder that the IP is sound. Yeah. Oh, we're clear on that. But I'm not... What they don't make any effort to tell us in this movie is what they're...

Point of view is. They are, yeah, they have nothing. They don't have, they don't have other than the base level of their one farts, one pukes, one snots, one whatever. And they're not trying to escape. I would posit that their point of view is that they just are. That they are kids and they're gross. So cogito ergo sum, they think therefore they am? Pretty much. That they are, they're not there to...

I mean, I think that would have been the lesson for Dodger. Okay. Well, they help him. That you're a child. They do. They help him understand that beauty is only skin deep. Yeah. But of course, it's expressed in the craziest way I've ever seen in a movie, which is, you're not pretty to me anymore. Yeah. What? We do have that scene. Yeah. Oh, great, because we also get this bow tie. All right, great.

That's a great look. I've got a lot to say about this bow tie and the scoop neck shirt underneath it. Criticize that look. We gotta get a collar. We gotta get a collar if you're gonna wear a tie. Me too. The fashion shows a big success. I mean, you're a hit. And these clothes, they're not mine. They are now. Look, maybe we can just be friends. Maybe we can just do fun things together.

No thanks. I don't think you're pretty anymore. He's killing it. By the way, they dated in real life.

No. That's a joke. That's a joke. What? No. They dated in real life and broke up in the movie. No. During the shooting of the movie. Wait, what is the age difference between them? There's only one year. One year. No. She is an adult woman. She is conservatively three feet taller than him.

You know what, though? This is at a time also where teenager women look like they were 55. This is a different time. How old is that girl? He's one year younger than her.

Relax, sir. You know what? If you're the guy in the audience who knows to shut out 15, know better. Know to shut up and let one of the girls in the audience yell it out. Don't be the creepiest. She was born in 1972. He was born in 1973. Wow. I am like flummoxed by this. By the way, one other really funny thing about her is I guess like the car that Tangerine had belonged to the director's son. And so like there's one...

It was like, so she got in and drove it away and then drove it into a brick wall in the movie. So after that happens, the car is slightly damaged every time you see it. And they couldn't drive it anymore. So it was just grips pulling the car by road. But like the only time she did a stunt, she like jumped in, hit the gas and hit a brick wall.

Wow. I have to say, her character, I mean, it just, it reeks to me of that mid-90s, like, or early 90s, just indictment of ambitious women in movies. Like, it's just, she's so horrible to him. It's... Women can't be trusted is the lesson he learned. Well, or women who want to get their own fashion line off the ground and get out of this whole town. So much so that they're willing to use monster labor to do it. She did, she was...

Because here's the thing. She was selling her own stuff. It's not like she profited entirely on their hard work. We saw her make successful sales. She just didn't believe enough in herself. Or she wanted a shortcut, I guess. She also says to Dodger, I need those clothes in three days for the fashion show.

What was she planning to do? She found out about these monsters moments earlier. Like, what was... Was she just... Was she going to wing it? Did they have nothing? I don't think she... I don't think she had the fashion show lined up before that jacket. So that all came together in 48 hours? Yeah, it did. I think her seeing him in that jacket...

Blew her mind and she was like, I can build a brand off of this. Well, I will say the weird thing about the Garbage Pail Kids is they didn't make... The weird thing? The singular weird thing? They made that jacket in four hours, but they were so unwilling to try to make 12 jackets in three days. I know they made it in a night. Didn't they make 12 outfits in a night? Because they broke out, they stole the sewing machine, and the next morning, they're like, come see us in the morning. Bring us breakfast.

And they brought him breakfast and they had 12 outfits on the rack. And we'll tell you our answer. Yeah, right, yeah. Then they surprised him with the clothes. Right, they did it. They just did it. They're just complainers, you know? Well, I'm sure that you guys have some questions here. Let's come out here to the audience. Oh, guys. Let's all be cool about this, okay? I'm going to ask you to give me your garbage pail name instead of your actual name. So I'm going to go right here first. Ah!

Captain Mancini and his motivations are just so confusing to me because he says like we have to keep the Pandora's pail sealed. We have to do this. But then when the garbage pail kits are caught, he's all about breaking them out.

So, like, what's his deal? Like, is he... I think he knows they're going to get smushed, so he doesn't want them to be killed. He wants to put them back in the pail. Stop saying smushed. They keep saying it. It's the word they use in the movie. Every time they do it, they do this.

Multiple people do the same hand gesture to insinuate what smushed is. Well, to be fair, that's the only hand gesture they could make as garbage pelicans. He just seems to want to put them into a tinier, more uncomfortable prison than the one that they're actually in.

He'd rather have them live their life in a prison than get smushed. So he has a redeeming quality. That's called Save the Cat. How about this? Why, why, why, if you put kids, the Garbage Pail Kids, in a smusher, why don't they just turn back into goo? Like, why do they get killed? Why can't they just... Sequel. First of all, before I continue going on, if anyone worked on this movie or knows some factoid from this movie, raise your hand. I want to ask a question. What is the rating of this movie?

NC-17. PG? Yeah, it's PG. It's PG. Wow. So children could see this alone. Yes. Yes. They could go and see it by themselves. Without parental. And the protagonist boy character is naked in a bath twice before the 15-minute mark. There's some weird stuff going on in this movie. So Tangerine is a child. Yes. Is Juice an adult? Yes.

No. What? I think we're meant to believe that they are just slightly older teenagers. I will say though... Then why is he in a double-breasted jacket? Because it's the 80s, baby. When kids dress like adults and adults dress like space people.

All right, sir, you're... I mean, I went to Bar and Bat Mitzvahs dressed like Sonny Crockett from the Miami Vice. I mean, that is for real. I'm a child wearing espadrilles. Not a good look. I dressed...

I remember I went to a birthday party dressed like one of the characters from Boys in the Hood, but because I was like, that's me, it was a button-down shirt that had four panels of red, blue, and yellow. It was like the one that was on the poster. I was psyched about it. Non-ironically. Sir, your name, garbage pile name, and your question.

Name would be Stinky Seth. And my question was, we didn't say that there was too skinny in the House of the Ugly was Abraham Lincoln. Was it? Yes. So are we to believe that time just does not exist? Great, great question. So you're positing a world where that is the actual Abraham Lincoln? So I think that that is right.

That is the real Abraham Lincoln. It is the real Gandhi. It is the real Santa. Because, again, one funny person was there and in his mind this is a world where the stay-at-home from the ugly has captured those people because it's a commentary on being different. End of thought. By the way, I love their prison is equal, is the same set design as Hollywood Squares. Um...

Yes, your Garbage Pail Kid name, your question. Cyrus the Virus. Yeah. That's good. Also a good Con Air name. Best one so far. So I have the bizarre factoid. I saw an interview with Mackenzie Astin, and he said that the director had no facial hair, eyebrows, no hair on his head because...

Because he said that because he used to be a stuntman and he actually did a movie where he was in a gorilla suit and something inside the gorilla suit, some substance, some glue or something, took off all his hair. Why are you laughing? Cyrus the Virus has lost his mind. It's a horrible story. We're watching a man come undone. So Cyrus is saying...

Cyrus is saying that this man was permanently... Mackenzie Ashton said the director had no facial hair. Yeah, we got that part. We got that part. It takes a lot of joy in this man's disfigurement. So, by what you're saying is... Cyrus the Virus might be an actual garbage bin kid. Delighting in the misery of others.

From playing a gorilla in an old movie, something in the gorilla suit took off all his body hair. That's terrible. So I actually, I don't, I think that's actually a really important thing for you to have shared. I think it's really valuable because now we understand something. We understand why the director was connected to this material. I mean, that is why this movie has such, to use a word, pathos.

Because he understood it. He's lived it. Now, who's coming? Oh, yeah. Come here. That's great. Come on down. This is great. Cyrus, man. That guy. These stuntmen and women, these are their jobs. They're giving it their all. For that guy, there exists a movie where if he's flipping through on TV and he comes across it, he's like, oh, shit, this is the movie where I lost all my body hair.

That's me in that suit. This movie caused me to lose all of my body hair. But the benefit was I got to direct the garbage fail kids. Imagine you, that accident happens to you, you call up your good friend Cyrus, he's like, I gotta tell you something.

And you go and see Cyrus, and he's just cackling. Like, Cape Fear style cackling at you. I guarantee Cyrus is the dude on the boards who's been suggesting the Garbage Pail Kids for years so that he could come and tell that story like a real creep. All right, your Garbage Pail Kid name and your question. Kathleen the Leaky Spleen. Oh, that's good. I like it. So there's a couple of establishing shots that show that it's in Los Angeles, and

Do they think that Los Angeles gangs dress up like weird wrestlers? But then I think this is more of a story about a successful grooming of a small child by... Agreed. Agreed. Because it's not... You show this boy who goes to this man who lets him dress him in daishikis...

Without questioning anything. And then at the end, even though it's this morality tale about being ugly or gross isn't a problem, all of the women are a problem. Pandora's box. It's not about the box. It's about Pandora being a psycho bitch. I'm listening. And then at the end, you're not pretty. Even though she's like, she doesn't want to date him. She just wants to be friends. No, you're not pretty anymore. No.

And it's this, like, and he goes back to his old man who protects him. Yes, he does. Without his, like, who owns him with anything. And it's a successful grooming story. This is, like, how to do it. Just keep them in a store where they sell buttons. I'm glad you brought up the dashiki because... Yeah, I'd forgotten about it. Because...

And actually, no, and it's to your point. It's to your point. Because what does he say when he introduces the dashiki? Is this a dress? Yes. He says, it was given to me by an African tribe leader because I made his mother-in-law disappear. That's right. It's the third thing he says, and it's the story of him killing an old woman he met in Africa.

She might be in that pail. And I don't want to... And there's this one other thing that he says right then. Because he asks, oh, what were you doing there, says Dodger innocently. He says, I was doing a split week, Cleveland to Cairo, but that's a long story. I mean, now I'm thinking maybe the Garbage Pail Kids, like, saved him from this pedophile. At least for a time. No, I mean, barely. Barely. Barely. I think...

A dissertation could be written on Captain Mancini as being some sort of ageless, perhaps vampire character. Like, I would not be surprised if Buffy the Vampire Slayer entered three quarters of the way through the movie and killed him because he was like a demon who owned an antique store, all of the antiques of which contained other demons.

Like Spike and Xander go in there to defeat the Garbage Pail Kids. Or he is the literal devil, and it's like the Rick and Morty episode where the devil opens a Curio store. Also, Rick and Morty guys back this weekend. Not to you listening at home. Oh, it's been back for weeks. Sir, here you go.

Moldy Mike. Okay, great. So, first of all, apparently Captain Mancini composed all the music for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Okay.

Which is incredible. Wait, what? The actor. The actor. Oh, wow. And the song Feeling Good. And what about the song in this movie? Probably not. Probably not. We get to work together. That's not him. But anyway, the real question is, does the Jacob's Ladder scenario begin when he gets beat up in the beginning or when he gets shit on in the sewer? The minute he got knocked unconscious in the sewer, I knew somebody was going to bring this up.

I was going to start banning Jacob's Ladder questions. There's definitely a possibility that that kid gets killed in the sewer and it's a Jacob's Ladder for the rest of the movie. I would say the Jacob's Ladder would have to start before he met the Garbage Pail Kids. Yeah, maybe. So maybe he dies. Maybe he drowns in the shallow puddle in the park. So truly the only real scene is the first scene. I mean, there's wiggle room in there, but... All right, I know you're going to bring us home. Here we go. Here's your question. Here we go. My name's Toilet Tim. Uh...

Okay, so when Tangerine has her fashion show, the woman introducing it says, Tonight, McBundy's department store is delighted to welcome you to a debut of a truly remarkable young design star. Iconoclastic, rebellious, original. Her clothes will make us think, Tangerines, clothes to wear when one simply does not know what to wear to occasions which it doesn't matter what one wears. What does that mean? Great job.

Wowie. I remember thinking that too, feeling like, what does that even mean? Yeah, what would that be? Like, what kind of event would that be? When you don't know what to wear to an occasion that doesn't matter what you wear? Doesn't matter what you wear. That seems like when you're at home. Or if you're going to the hospital. Or if you're going to like a nudist colony. I guess it matters what you wear there. You wear nothing. Wow. Wow.

Maybe it's hard to put ourselves in 19, I want to say, 87. Yep, you're right. You're 100% right. It's hard to put yourself in that mindset because fashion, to my mind, looms so large in that world. These are people that care about fashion. They have high-shouldered clothes. And again, this is trenchant satire.

That's like the most important thing to keep in mind. We had a different opinion. It's now time for second opinions.

Great production, great production, if you wanna see kids kiss. Great production, great production, if you're into farts and piss. Great production, I bet they don't even know about Cabbage Patch Kids. I got your Cabbage Patch right here. It's Second Opinions. Give it up for Toilet Tim! Nice work, Tim! Alright!

These are five star reviews called from Amazon. Okay, all right, so this is right here. I started off this one with an odd one. This is from Sharon Dixon, and it's just this. I found the movie, my boss signed it, and put it in my desk drawer. So sorry. So I think five stars.

I think there was an issue where she didn't think that Amazon delivered it and is responding to Amazon for complaining. That's the single greatest short story I've ever heard. That's better than that Hemingway short story. Did she say my boss signed for it? Yes. My boss signed for it and put it in my desk drawer. Sorry. Sorry.

Somewhere on that website, she lit Amazon up. There's a review that is like, fuck you. I'm just trying to imagine her boss also opening up a...

to see a Garbage Pail Kids DVD. That, by the way, I would fire that person. Me too. That person is unwell. If I signed for an employee's package and it was the Garbage Pail Kids DVD, I would give it to them because they paid for it along with a pink slip and I would say, no thank you.

There's a lot of ones here. It's like, this one is by Tracy Smith. This is a great kids movie. Nope, it's not. Her children should be taken away from her.

Pam 127 goes, love sharing this movie with my princess. She loved it. Five stars. Don't know who my princess is. Sounds like something someone named Pam would say. Her princess is a 300 pound man watching this covered in his own film. This is the one that I wanted to read. Spam Pam. From 80s Lady. I saw this movie a long time ago as a kid. I was grossed out by it. Hence, the whole reason for viewing this movie.

When I viewed it as an adult, I was in stitches. As an educator, I feel like there is a useful message woven into this movie. Please, tell us. If gone awry, I think it's awry, children can go astray. They may act out, disobey, and do downright dangerous things. Yet, with a little love and guidance, they are capable of doing the right things. From a pedophile.

Children will get a kick out of these gross, vile kids. And those parents who were born around the late 70s and 80s will be treated to a blast from the past. Five stars. Like, I would not want my children to be taught by this person. By 80s lady? By 80s lady. I'd be like, also, by the way, if my kids were like, Miss 80s lady said that I have homework, I'd be like, she shouldn't be calling herself Miss 80s lady. Okay.

I know we're wrapping up and I do want to wrap up, but I just want to ask the audience only because sometimes they know stuff that we don't know. Have we missed what is the origin of them? Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Just stop and just talk to him. Where are you? Where are you? Your moment has come. Here we go. All right. I'll hold the mic and your name, your Garbage Pail name.

Barf and Ben, I guess? Great. So the origin story for the Garbage Pail Kids is, as a parody of the Cabbage Patch Kids, the Cabbage Patch Kids come from, you know, cabbages and they grow out of it. The Garbage Pail Kids come from a garbage can spaceship, which is why it's in the beginning. Wait, hold up. Time out. A garbage can spaceship. That's why in the credits it's flying. Collecting space garbage? I don't understand the reason for that one. I can't answer that question. They're from a planet of garbage.

Just like the Cabbage Patch Kids are from a planet of cabbage? I don't think so. So the Cabbage Patch Kids grow out of cabbages. Right. The Garbage Pail Kids come from the ooze that spills out of this space trash can. Why? Ben, why? You don't know anything about this. You don't know a goddamn thing. Is there more to it besides that?

The premise alone raises so many questions, I have no answers. Why do they have so many different dialects? Why are they from different parts of New York? And seem to be from different eras. I go back to my amazing idea, which is that slime gets on normal kids and makes them gross. Does anybody have any further information we need to know? No. You know what, guys? Here's the thing. Figure it out.

Because I'm fucking pissed. But why can't they just grow out of... I mean, why can't they just grow out of garbages? Yes, great. Like, out of dumpsters and garbage pails? Why not? Yeah, and I don't know why exactly they do, but space? Why do they have to come from outer space? You're supposed to go back in the garbage can when you sing the song backwards. Okay. Okay, that is...

That is something we learned from the film and is a non sequitur to this. Even if they go back in when you play the song backwards, that doesn't help me understand why they're from outer space. Well, I hate this.

I don't feel like we got any answers. We didn't break it down. The only thing I want to... You got to set me down. The only thing I wanted an answer to is, why are kids playing basketball on the street with no hoop, but just passing the basketball to each other in a triangle formation? Jason, would you recommend this move? No! No!

No, this movie is upsetting. It's gross. It's full of like a lot of gross sounds and gross things. I didn't like it. I didn't care for it. Five stars? Listen, I can't believe I'm going to say this. I know. This feels really weird right now, but I felt sick watching it. But I was so sort of excited to talk about it.

And there was something nostalgic about just seeing the Garbage Pail Kids. From that one card you had. From the two cards that I had. From those few cards that people let you look at or something. That were scattered about in my house. I mean, I don't know what I'm talking about. No, don't waste your valuable time with this. Of course not. You would have to track down a DVD in order to watch. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. It's not easy. I forgot about that. Now, if you wanted to do it in order to make the enjoyment of this wonderful podcast better, go ahead, but it's going to scar you.

Like, you'll never... Here's the thing. Having watched this movie, I think... Everybody here watched it? Who amongst us is not going to be able to think of these faces of these gross monsters every time you come? Listen. Just think about it. Just think about it. You're getting busy with your significant other and just think of the snot running down the face of that one. Always. Was never not there.

That's the thing though, we've watched movies. - Or like waking up next to your lover and being like, "Ooh, your breath is like the baby's breath from the Garbage Pail Kids." Let's do it. - We've watched movies like Ninja Terminator or I don't know what they're called. - You barely remember the movie. - Is that a movie? - That is one!

That's amazing. Great. Like, we've watched movies that are so painful to me, that are so excruciating, that I literally have to force myself and say, like, listen, watch this. People are coming to the show. Like, watch it now. Watch. And I can't. I can't watch it. This, at least for me, I found I could sit. Now, I was very concerned about the length, and I was having anxiety about how long it was, but...

So that did happen, but I could sit. This is the worst review ever. I could sit and watch it. She's right on the front cover. I could watch it. I could sit. I could. I could sit and watch it. I could do it. She was able to do it. John, were you able to do it? This is the worst movie I have ever seen.

It is irredeemable. It is insane. We don't understand what it was about. None of the characters make sense. None of the writing makes sense. It is ugly to look at. It is disgusting. I have a stomachache thinking about the characters in the film. It is about monsters. I think people should see it. I think people should check it out.

I am in your boat. I agree. I think there is enough insane things at play here that even hearing us describe it, you need to see it. You need to see Valerie vomit vomit. You need to see the sneezing. By the way, that was my issue. She should eat that popcorn and then vomit that popcorn. Instead, she sneezed. Oh, I guess that was a different one. She saved it.

Saved it. She was saving the vomit for the moment at the end where she vomits on the villains who get their final comeuppance because at the beginning it's established that they hate vomit. And she vomited green slime, not like vomit vomit. So anyway, weird. When she sneezes the popcorn, she sneezes it over the entire theater. Yeah. Does that mean she has like super breath?

That's not a... Are you saying her breath was so bad that it propelled the popcorn? No, it was so powerful. So powerful that she could sneeze popcorn over...

It would be as if you put like 12 buckets of popcorn in front of an industrial-sized fan. That's what you were seeing. And she is a kid, I think. I don't know. Like I said, we'll never know. Let's just go. So, John, would you like to plug anything? Obviously, you have... I don't want anything I'm doing to be connected with this show.

with this film, so I don't do anything. - I respect that. - This is the first thing I've ever done. - I respect it. - And it's the last thing I will do. No, you can, look guys, if you're not subscribed to Love It or Leave It on Pod Save America, what are you even doing? - Great shows. - What are you even doing?

Great shows. I saw a Pod Save America shirt out there. Really? That's just a coincidence. Yeah, look at that. Yeah, June? I'm trying, I'm like, I'm racking my brain for something right now. I don't, I mean, Grace and Fergie's on Netflix. This third season is on. I don't know, I'm going to see Girls Trip on Monday night. Very excited. That's it. Jason? No, I'm good. All right, great.

I will just say that this movie that I did with Topher Grace comes out on Netflix August 1st called Opening Night and it's really funny. Taye Diggs is in it. Anne Heche is in it. And it's a funny movie. Give it up for John Lowe. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Give it up to Avril Halle who cut all these amazing clips, did all that stuff.

Nate Kiley did all of our research. He's amazing. Kelly Alto put the whole thing together. That's the show, but it doesn't end here. If you like how did this get made and you want to wear it or put it as a sticker or have it as a cell phone case, head over to tpublic.com slash stores slash hdtgm tpublic.com slash stores slash hdtgm and you can check out

all of our amazing merch like Put Her in a Bra or the Jason Zardoz shirt, which I particularly love. Make sure you follow us on Twitter and on Facebook. I'm not going to explain where. You can figure it out, but it's pretty much HDTGM. Make sure you rate and review us on the iTunes. We like that. It's fun, and we have a good time with it. And make sure you tune in to our mini episode next week because we're going to tell you what we're watching. See you next week. Bye for now. How did this get here? Here we go.

I feel terrible, mom. Maybe it's a stomach virus, but I'm sure a little apple tea will help you feel better.

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