Shownotes Transcript
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American Pie 9 was released on home video. And in that movie, there is more heart, humanity, and normal behavior that is identified as human than in whatever the fuck we just watched. We saw a beautiful wedding, so you know what that means. I just can't see your soul. I just can't see your soul.
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Hello, Los Angeles! We are live at Largo, continuing our exploration into the two worst characters in cinema's history. Remember their names. I think it's Abby and Jake. But if not, it doesn't make a difference. Him and her will do just fine.
Movie came out in 2024. What is it? Well, it's a sequel to a movie that we did, which I like to call a rom-com fight club. Now, at the end of that movie, there were these fun slides, like the end of The Hangover, that apparently were shot at the wrap party for that movie. And that's the basis of the sequel.
The movie starts with those slides and goes, what if? And here's the kicker. Both of these movies based on a book by a really racist writer. So we won't get into that.
We'll enjoy this because she's not involved in those movies at all. All you have to know is our two main characters, they fall in love. They get into multiple MMA fights. There's gambling. There's mafia. And then they somehow go to Mexico. They're married. This all happens in three months and the girl's 19. Okay, so that's...
That's that. I would say that the first act ends at minute 45, and it's an hour and 25 minute long movie. I won't talk more about it than that. We'll get into all of it. But first, let me introduce my co-host, Mr. Jason Manzoukas. What's up, jerks? Fargo! Night 2! Netflix is a joke.
Netflix is a joke festival. And you know what? Netflix is a joke festival said, can you do movies that are on Netflix? And we said, no. We said we personally would rather pay for these movies. Sometimes, multiple times. We want our audience to be frustrated just like us. We will not make it easy on them. Correct me if I'm wrong, Paul.
We've seen this movie before? No, we watched the first. Yeah, that's what I thought. A beautiful disaster, yes. Yeah, I kind of remember it. Yes. I remember it quite clearly. Luckily, this movie has a full-blown recap.
Of that movie in the first five minutes. Thank God for that. I don't remember, did that movie have cartoon graphics on the screen? No, that's new. That's new for part two. Part two really pulls out all the stops. It's Roger Rabbit meets Fritz the Cat, which is an old reference, but I'm going to stand by it. You really are tired. No!
I'm referencing Fritz the Cat. It's Roger Rabbit as you pick up stuff like just like... What's in my bag? It's Roger Rabbit. You're just plugging in specifics. You're just plugging nouns in. Well, you know what? I'm glad that it's just not us talking about the beautiful animation style of a beautiful wedding. No, no, no. We have somebody that is going to weigh in on all things. My other co-host, please welcome June Diane Rayfield. Woo!
Welcome, June. Hi, Paul. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Angry. I'm so mad. I'm so mad. You're so mad because you love the movie so much? One of the first things I wrote down was, have we made any progress as a culture? Just have we?
And it wasn't even like progress since the first movie. I mean, like, have we made any progress, you guys? Any? My question is, are these movies each an announcement of the impending apocalypse? Yes.
How many in this series? This is two. How many are there? Well, this just came out. Oh! So, hopefully three. Is it books? Well... It did say there was a book. Okay. You said book. Yes. And I'm not lying. Is a beautiful baby coming? Is it your book?
It is not my book. Is it your book? It is not based on my book. Do you write these? I did not. This is... Next one's called Beautiful Podcast. Ha ha ha.
Here's what I'll tell you about this. And just to kind of put it in simple specifics, the way that Twilight spun off Fifty Shades of Grey, there is another series of YA novels that are very successful. This is kind of the dirty alt version of them. The books aren't dirty, you mean? The books are dirty. They are? Yes. So this is the fan... What's the books it's based on? Does somebody know? One of the nerds here will know.
No? I love that this audience doesn't know. I feel so safe. Did we accidentally get a cool audience? I'm so happy. Oh, no. This is going to be a bad show. No, nerd? Okay. Yes. Thank you, nerd. Please.
All right, so explain it to me. So I only know this because I just listened to the beautiful disaster episode. Got it. Much like everybody else, to prep for this, everybody watch. So I did go over some of these details in that one. You did, and what it actually is is that Dylan Sprouse is in another series of YA movies called the After Series. Yes, and this is a parody of the After Series. Those are based on Harry Styles fan fictions.
Oh wait, is that the new Anne Hathaway movie? No? That's a different Harry Styles fan fiction that has spawned a successful film franchise? I have an answer for you now, June. We have not moved forward as a culture and in fact, we are moving backwards. Put us in a grave! It's over.
I listened to the trees from the happening and will be killing myself tonight. Goodbye. Just for brevity's sake, the idea is that these are kind of the... First of all, the fact that there's any source material here is so absurd. I've been sitting on what I really want to say, which is this is based on a novella. So this is based on a short book.
Yes. The first movie based on a full book. This is based on a novella. And then this novella, they really just didn't use at all. So the third movie will be based on like a magazine article. A pamphlet. And the fourth movie based on a tweet. Now...
Now I will say this. A couple more details that are equally confounding about this. So they did put the author of the novella's name in the credits. She says, I am not involved in this. And she has tried to get her name out of the credits. What? Unsuccessfully. So they have said, we've done this with the author's input. She says, no. No.
So it's apparently a 24-page novella. Wait a minute. 24-page is not a novella. It's a short story. I'm so sorry. What? I can write that. I can write the next one of these by Monday. It's a chapter. Now, we got to... The three of us have to write the next one. I don't want them to hear. I don't want them to steal the movie.
I will tell you. We can do it. They wrote another. Well, the author did continue to write this series, but spun it off. The spinoff series is about Travis's brothers. I was so flummoxed when those guys showed up. I was like, who the fuck are these idiots?
Like, who shook loose a bag of potatoes into this movie? And I couldn't pick one out from the other. Couldn't make heads or tails out of them. One of them keeps looking into camera. I'm like, has this motherfucker never been on a set before? Wait a second. Are you telling me that the hottest scene in cinema since Top Gun's volleyball scene, the shirtless spike?
spike ball scene. Please play it. I wish I had. That scene was, I only wish they had put playing with the boys in the soundtrack. They can't afford that. They did the high fives. They did all the tropes of Top Gun. And here's the thing. I'm not here to yuck anyone's yum. I'm not here to make fun of anyone's looks.
But those guys are decidedly good looking. They're not jaw dropping like the beach stops at these dudes and their tight packages. Like, I don't know what's going on. Well, you know they're all Maddox's, so they've all got that big hog. And I'm also like... They're all packing that mad dicks. The way that they show one of those brothers...
Dick bulge. I was like, it doesn't look sexy to me. It looks like something's wrong. There is nothing. I wrote down at one point, I was like, I hate women. I hate men. Sex is gross. I hate it all. It's disgusting to me. I wrote that too, and then I said, the only thing I'm attracted to is the cartoon characters.
Oh, my gosh. The cartoons were gross. The narrator's voice was gross. Who was the narrator? Real question. Who was the narrator? I think the narrator, I think, was the concierge. Sancho? I think it was Sancho. I thought the narrator was the priest that was training the priest in training. No, that's not Miguel.
No, no, the priest training, the priest in training. Oh. So he's like, Miguel's like, Father, I know I've been training to be a priest, but holy shit, let me tell you this story. And then the priest is like, you'll never guess what my priest in training told me. And then he's telling the Pope.
You're telling me the Pope is a character in this movie? This movie is a story that we tell the Pope. Oh, shit. Because he's like, it's so crazy, Pope. Next movie, beautiful Vatican. Well, then they send Russell Crowe from the Pope's Exorcist to then dispose of Travis and Abby.
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This is a Reese's Peanut Butter Cups sound experiment. We're looking to find the perfect way to hear Reese's so you'll buy more of them. Here we go. Reese's. Reese's. Reese's. Reese's. Reese's. Hey, get out of here, you little stinker! Reese's. Reese's. Reese's. Peanut Butter Cups. That breathy one sounded very creepy, am I right?
All of this backstory and these crossovers and whatever's happening with these characters, like none of it amounts to anything like this. This doesn't deserve any backstory or other movies or novellas. But what about when Abby says to Miguel, what's your backstory? When she said that...
I threw my pencil across the room. And then when we found out... I had to pick it up, but I still was just... I wanted the anger of that moment. What's your backstory? But his answer is devastating. And insane. Make no mistake, the most interesting character in the movie, Miguel. For sure. And at one point I was like...
If we cut to this house one morning and there's like 15 dead bodies and they've been slaughtered, like it's Miguel because he grew up there. He witnessed violence like something's going to turn and he's going to become so disgusted with the behavior that's going on in his childhood home and the disrespect that Miguel is going to flip out. And I wish I saw that movie. Let's.
Go from the top. Obviously, this movie starts off in the montage, the sideshow montage that we see at the end of the first film where these characters are having a crazy night in Vegas. We start off the movie right where it left off. Only three days, I think, pass by.
In six days. Okay, so it's very close. But enough time for them to make an Apple slideshow of all the photos from last night. Oh, I'm sorry. You mean in Vegas? Oh, yeah, in Vegas. Oh, in Vegas. I mean, nothing has happened. Like, no time since that is the last movie.
Well, yes, but we pick up there in the beginning of this movie. So just to talk about that slideshow for a second. So they had to, in their drunken stupor, make a slideshow. Do you think they're just... Hold on, let me... Yeah, that's a good transition. Do you think they're just air-playing it to the TV? Someone had to figure out settings. Oh, yeah. What Wi-Fi network? Someone's an iPhoto... Like I said... And they had to do the thing where they're like, oh, the code, you have to
Get the code to send to this. Yeah, like most hotels. Only Google Chromecast? How can I do my thought show? Most hotels won't let you do it. And thank God all the pictures just happened to be from the night before. And in chronological order. Yes. And then we get the craziest reveal, which is Abby has been straight up branded like a NXIVM victim. Yes.
With her new husband's name in her inner, like, area right there. I mean, that's a full... Inner area? Yeah, inner area. Inner cum gutters? I like that way to put it less. I think that makes it sound grosser. Her inner area? It's not inside her labia. Just like in that... It's on her hip bone. I know they call it cum gutters on men. I didn't know what they call it for women. So, here...
Oh my god. So, I think, they're called cum gutters on men, but I think it's just squirt drainage on women. So she's branded...
She's married. They also conveniently give them like $189,000. Like, what a great plot device. Oh, and you got a shitload of money, too. And they stole the money from the last movie. I do remember that. But then I had forgotten entirely that she is a child gambling prodigy. Yes.
And that's why... And he's a fight... He is a fight clubber. He... And that's why in some ways... I wish he was Tyler Durden. I wish he was imaginary. Listen, in some ways, though...
This movie made so much more sense to me than the last one. Oh, wow. I feel the opposite. Really? What's the plot of this? The last one, I get it at least. No, you don't get it. College rom-com. No, no, no. You think you got it, but if you remember back to the time when we watched it, we had to find out that she was like a child...
We found that out 50 minutes into the movie. It was insane. And her father, there was no record of her dad. And then he was called. It was absolutely bananas. She's very like demure in the first movie and then opens up in this movie. She's full on insane. Like she's fighting children. She's cursing. I love that sequence. That sequence I loved. That...
The whole sequence with Thumbelina is absolutely insanity. She's like, I will fight this child because I won't hurt her as bad as another person might. Her thinking is, somebody's going to hurt this little girl. I'll go in there. I just need a costume cut to sexy cat costume. By the way,
I do want to just talk about the worst costume in the entire movie, which is, again, back to the opening scene. Oh, I know what you're going to say. She, within the first two minutes, Abby, pukes on Travis, vomits on him. He does not change out of that shirt.
Or that outfit. No. I would say it seems for hours because... No, Paul, he's wearing that. So I was tracking there. The same exact thing. And she wakes up in a thick black tee. And it's thick and it's cheap and it's heavy. I got big and it's... I got big. Yes. And she's wearing that. She's wearing that.
All the way to when she's on the bed with him. And he's wearing the same clothes in Mexico. They are so disgusting. They're so disgusting. They don't take a shower. Who cares? There's also... I've never ever seen a movie with such an egregious edit in my life where it's like...
Oh, they think they're being killed. They, I guess, we don't know, beat the shit out of a bellhop. Like, fully. They waterboard him. They waterboard him. Let's be clear. They murder that man. I think so. Every hotel in Vegas has a giant...
pitcher of water? Just an open pitcher of water? You know, and all the hotel carts that have an open hole in the top? Wait, what? What I couldn't understand is what was I know they thought it was a gun, but what was he bringing in? A dryer. A hair dryer? Where is the cord? Where is the cord? It was a cordless hair dryer? I didn't know we had the technology. I was like, what is that thing? It's future tech. This takes place in the future.
What movie, what also, what kind of character also enters by putting a hairdryer through? That's how I'm entering. Hairdryer. But here's the thing. That guy comes in, they think it's a gun, they cover him up, they beat the living fuck out of him.
And then they don't reveal it. Nope. They don't show you any of the funniness of, oh, I'm so sorry. You never get to see that he's okay. Nope. No, he's not. They're just like, here we are at the helicopter. What? When they go to the helicopter, I rewound him. What did I miss? Did I blink? Did I have a stroke? Not even like a nice helicopter. Do you want to fly in a helicopter from the scenes in Magna PI where he's flashing back to Vietnam? No.
But I'm also like, at one point they go, Michael can't come with us. I'm like, who the fuck is Michael? I didn't even know there was a Michael here. Also, how do you not bring, was his name Buzz? Buzz, yes. How do you not bring Buzz back? One of the most charismatic people in the movie. I don't remember Buzz. Buzz is in the other movie? The pilot of the helicopter. For 10K, he'll take you anywhere. He'll take you to Mexico without your passport. Cool. Okay.
He was amazing. He was amazing. And Kyle Richards was as well. What? Kyle Richards is great. What was that? She was great. I was flummoxed by her arrival only because I was wondering, is she playing herself? Well, here's what's so interesting. I want to know when this movie came out because for those who know... 2024 just came out. I don't believe it. I don't believe it. It's only a few months old. January 24th. You're saying 2024, but is it currently 2027? Yeah, it...
It's just not, the numbers aren't lining up. But it was so wild to watch her deliver some of those monologues about marriage, knowing what we know now, of course, about her and Mauricio. So Kyle has had this long relationship with a man named Mauricio who, by the way, sells a lot of real estate in Putumita, Mexico. So I did have the thought, like, maybe she was just there and they hired her, like a local hire. Yeah.
But they've had this marriage, like they've just really presented themselves as like absolutely in love for years, for like 30 years. Okay. And the marriage has fallen apart this year. Got it. And it's. Oh, so is that why is she, because I feel like is she being down on guys in this movie or
Or is she being like... Well, that's interesting too because she has a joke about them being lesbians and she did have a very sort of will they, won't they, sort of a lot of lesbian rumors about her and this singer Morgan...
What's her name? Morgan Wade. So that piece of it... You guys know that, but you don't know anything else. That piece... Okay. That piece of it was so crazy. It was a wild scene to watch because it just felt like we were watching Kyle talk about Mauricio and Morgan. I thought that too. But then little did we know that she plays a very pivotal role because...
It's the mother of the guy that Abby was supposed to be with. Now listen. What are the odds? Did you mind that he had a British accent and she didn't? Honestly, no.
I didn't hear a goddamn word. I thought Parker had a British accent in this movie. No, Parker doesn't have a British accent. I don't think so. Does he? He does! Oh, maybe, is he trying to cover it up, maybe? And it's coming through? I don't know. I don't remember having one last movie. Okay, all I know is his dog bark sounded American. What on also...
I... The entire scene of her... This. This scene, I couldn't make heads or tails of because she's asleep, still dressed as the cat wrestling costume. She...
She puts that back on. No. This is after she wrestled. She's out of that costume. She pisses on herself. We just pour tequila. She goes, am I peeing on myself? And then she then goes in to cheat on her. No, she goes in just to get a selfie. Just to get a selfie, Paul. Just to make him jealous. Just to make Travis jealous. But she puts that on. She does. But then falls asleep. But the amount of noise.
This Parker is such a deep sleeper. What is he taking? She's screaming at full volume. It is so loud, everything she's doing. And he's just like, in a way that is like, I don't think so. No, it was unsettling. Like something, there's a medical event happening and she's not waking up to this. She is making cat sounds. I couldn't tell you why. I mean, this is... That seems like an actor's choice.
This is the callback. What if I did the... Oh, it is? Yes, because the first... Was she making cat sounds? Yes, the first movie, when she gives him a handjob... I remember the handjob. She goes, oh, nice kitty, nice kitty, and she grabs the kitty's tail. So this is the heightening. But this time she's the kitty? Yes.
And he's the dog. Right. Which is a new form of sex play. I learned that. But she's not a kitten, though. Like, that's what... But that's like a new thing. When she was giving him a handjob, she thought she was touching a cat. Now, let's be clear. No, she's the cat. He's the dog. I know she's the cat. She has...
I know she's a cat. Let me be clear. She has broken into his room while he is asleep and then sexually assaults him. That's what I don't understand, though. But still, I cannot understand why she's making cat noise. I don't either. Because she's deadly asleep thinking she's a cat. What? Yes. How do you know that? Because I read the novella. So then...
So then why does he think he's a dog? Because he's dreaming about being a dog. Guys, you're so fucking dead. By the way, these are... This movie is all here. You're saying this like, you know you've had dreams of flying or dreams or even to perform and... I'm a dog. I'm a dog. But he only starts making dog sounds, I think, after she starts jerking him off as if that's what happens when dogs get jerked off.
Like, what I will say about both of these movies, the plot and the story and the choices are inscrutable. I don't understand why they're making these choices. This is a movie. But thank God they are. Because if they weren't, if this was a flat telling of the same basic story points, boy, would it be just awful. Oh, I mean, the fact that at 45 minutes into the film...
He goes, maybe we should take a break from each other. They've only been together. She thinks that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've only been together for about 72 hours as a married couple. I think we just need some time to figure each other out, like find ourselves. This movie was the longest movie I've ever seen. Same. Why was it so long? Every time I looked and stopped to catch my breath and just like reorient myself in the real world.
Somehow there was 45 minutes left every time. There was always, always 45 minutes left, and I was so shocked. So much is happening. Literally so much is happening. So much so that you're like, wait, what? All right, I have this friend who freed a rooster. The rooster that he freed is trying to kill him. Do not gloss over this. Because the only love story I care about in the movie is Shep and the roosters. Yes.
Shep is easily the most interesting character in the story. When Shep is trapped in the closet by the roosters and his mother calls from hospice and his grandmother dies on the phone with him. No, no, no. I mean, on the floor outside. He doesn't get to talk to her. It's even worse because what they say is the mom says,
Hey, whatever you're... Hey, Shep, I'm in the hospice with Grandma. We're going to pull the plug. And then Grandma goes, Hi, Shep, I want to... Like, they wouldn't even let her finish a sentence. We've just watched Matricide. So crazy. I loved that part. Shep is the best. Shep, I don't know what's going on in Shep's mind at all. Yeah. Yeah.
Shep is in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I laughed when he wakes up the next morning and the roosters have drawn and etched out pictures of him. I was laughing so hard. Do you have the picture of all the different drawings and sentences? I wish, no. The roosters have trashed his room and graffitied all over the walls. Just one. In English.
And a picture of him. What? That's in this movie.
But am I wrong in remembering it like that Shep freed the rooster? Oh, all of them. All of them. So why do they hate Shep then? They're fighters. They're fighting, yes. They're cockfighting roosters. He lets them all free in the room like, oh, we're all going to hang out now. But they're trained to kill each other. Oh, yes. So they begin to slaughter each other. I thought, okay, I thought it was. What did you think? Yeah, what did you think? What happened in there? I thought they were just mad at Shep.
Oh, I mean, because of the writing on the wall. No, no. It seemed personal. It wasn't like a guy was like, oh, shit, I let these dogs run loose. It was like these motherfuckers are like, now you're going down, asshole. Like, we have a, it felt like they had a vendetta for him. Well, I think that's also true. Oh, I don't think, I don't think these cocks respect life at all.
They are going for it. But you're right, though. Like, this isn't a bit. Like, the most compelling story was him wrestling with whether or not he was a carnivore. Like, whether or not. And then actually confronting, like, animals who were dreamed to kill. Like, it was...
Yeah. Oh, especially when you realize that is the second beat of him admitting to being a hunter and that upsetting his girlfriend so much. And now he decides to care for animals. He has, get ready for it, an arc.
He does. Shep, the only person who has an arc in this movie? I also argue... The rest of them, like Travis and what was her name? Abby. Him and her. They start in one place and they seem to end in the exact same place. They times zero each other. They go right back to zero. Do they have chemistry? That's a great question. Is it fun to watch them fight or is it just like...
No, it's neither fun to watch them fight nor fun to watch them kiss. No, I'm also not like turned on by their sex scene. I had more. I was more turned on by the kitten and the dog sex scene than when he's like, I'm going to. Oh, I didn't like that. In this scenario. I wanted Abby to fuck Miguel the priest and be like, oh, yeah, listen, listen, Miguel. Oh, yeah. Tell me how to juggle.
You're about to become a priest. Let's go. What I couldn't understand is the scene where they decide to take a break with their bachelor parties and bachelorette parties. She says to him, he says, like, I've really been a dick. And she's like, no, you haven't. You haven't. And he's like, no, I have.
I have. And she's like, yeah. And multiple times in the movie, because the same thing happens with Mare and Shep, where he's like, I've been really acting like an asshole. And she's like, no, no, no, no, no. And he's like, no, yes, I have. Like the women will not accept the bad behavior and toxicity of these men. And it's so disturbing. I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say, Abby is questionable in some of her behavior. Why do you say that?
When she's like, I need to fuck you, just put it in an inch, and then she locks them in there to like... Oh, let's be clear. Travis and Abby are both toxic and insane. Yeah. Full stop. Yes, but... I just want to acknowledge that. Okay, fine. But his behavior around the topless beach, around her taking her shirt, like all of that was absolutely insane. That was a little overboard.
I'll say. And you're right, though. They are both, like, terrible people. I don't even know if they're terrible. I don't know what they... It's literally like watching someone play with two Barbie dolls and just, like, smashing them together. Like, it doesn't... It feels like they are each triggering the other person constantly as if that is chemistry. You know what it feels like to me?
is if this movie was made and then it's like drunk history. They get somebody really drunk and they're like, explain the movie to me. And this movie feels like a drunk history reenactment of someone telling you about a rom-com that they saw. And then like there's cartoons, he's punching them, he's like, movies!
And then the guy is fighting a chicken because he killed a chicken, but then, no, it's roosters, and then they're like, fuck you, and they write on the wall. And then another guy, he's like, my boyfriend, and he's like, I'm getting a painting, and then he gets knocked in the mud, then they're in the mud, and then the priest is there, and he's juggling, and it's like, wait, what? Or it's either, I agree, it could be that, or it's written by like two 12-year-olds. It's written by two 12-year-olds who are like, I think this is what sex is like.
I think this is what it is to be in love. I do like that they like safe sex. I mean, they really... Oh, well, you know what was smart? I will give the movie this. It was very smart to set the movie in Mexico where we all know you cannot get condoms. You can't get them. Illegal in Mexico. Impossible. Even if you've got a hookup like Sancho, who's with him 24-7...
Can't ask my guy for some condoms? But here's the thing. Why was he looking? I did find it very strange that they just settled into this Airbnb and he immediately looks in the bedside drawer for condoms? Do they come with every Airbnb? Bibles and condoms. And if they are there, don't use those. Then he goes, then he leaves. Yeah, don't. Don't use those. This is a PSA for everybody. Don't use found condoms. Oh. Just don't do it.
He then leaves his room to go ask Shep if Shep has condoms. And Shep appears to be wearing, like, very offensive, like, he's dressing like very offensive Mexican, stereotypical Mexican gear. Big mustache and a bandolier, like, El Guapo from Three Amigos. I was like, he's got this but no condoms?
They're wearing the same clothes that they got puked on in, but this guy's got full on, like, sexy dress up, offensive sexy dress up. But weren't they fucking in the helicopter? Oh, yeah. Yes, they were. Maybe that's where all the condoms went. Yeah. And then how big is that helicopter bathroom? How big?
How big is that helicopter that they can go into a private room in that helicopter? I can't imagine there's a bathroom in any helicopter. I don't think there's bathrooms. Maybe a hole in the ground. Like the hole that they pour the water in for that poor bellhop. Here's my question about the brothers. The Maddox brothers. The Maddox brothers. So the wedding happens. They're married.
And then after they present her with a ring.
Why not give it to her before? Great, great question. Also, if we're... Why not give it to your brother to give her and have that moment before? No, because you don't want to mess up the wedding day with the ring. You do that afterwards in private. Also, why not, if you're the brothers, why not give the ring to Travis to give to her? To give to her. It was very strange. Why do they do it away from Travis as if they're protecting him from, like, talking about their dead mother in front of him? No, the movie...
movie ended and I was like, oh, she's married to the brothers. Got it. By the way, she'll be better off. Absolutely. I also found it interesting where like we need to take a break. Why don't you bring your friends in for a bachelor party and I'll do nothing.
Like she is. I think she doesn't have friends except. Oh, right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But I was obsessed with watching the, I don't know where Kyle Richards found. See, I would love to see a whole other movie about Kyle Richards in that resort because she pulls those women together like ladies and waiting. Who are those women?
Oh, yeah. Who are they? Is she some sort of guru or something? I have no idea. It seemed like she had just paid for these. She seems to be teaching a workshop in the power of the pussy. That's what she's telling them about when she then sexually assaults the waiter. I'm going to tell you two things that are going to maybe help this. The movie had to be written in less than four weeks. And they also...
according to the actors, improvised a majority of it.
I'm not surprised by that at all. And multiple times wrote, there's no way that was a line. Like, people are saying stuff just to say stuff. Yeah, they had one month to write and cast the movie. So that is it to get down to the DR to shoot this on the sets that Roadhouse wasn't using when they were shooting their movie. Oh, wow. So they were really fighting for sets, too. So...
There we go. I would love to talk for, I guess, the rest of the time we have here about the blooper scene. Oh, the blooper scene. Blooper single. I have... I've never seen one blooper. And it wasn't even good.
It was terrible. It was just celebrating too long. Bloopers are meant to be enjoyed by you at home being like, oh, they're cracking each other up. They're having a good time. They're having a good time. This wasn't that at all. He yells. He yells at the director. He's like, Roger, stop laughing. Stop laughing.
I thought what he was saying, I don't know if I want to watch it again to find out, actually. I thought what he was saying was, Roger, like, when are you going to cut? Like, you've had us scream here. Oh, I thought he was like, I can't do this acting with you laughing over there. He's like, what do you think, you're at a Netflix as a joke show over here? Oh! What do you think this is, Hulu is hilarious? Yes.
Hashtag Hulu is hilarious. By the way, Hulu needs to start a festival at the same week. It's just called Hulu is hilarious? The cast of The Bear doing variety show skits. I didn't... You'll see everyone on Shogun do a tight five. Wait, but that also, like, again, that scene to me of them, like, laughing about the game and that one single blooper...
Also reminded me of my... One single blooper. Reminded me of my favorite scene in the movie, which is when she's juggling with the priest. He comes out and fucking eats grapes like knuckles from Sonic. Like eating them whole. I thought that was a funny choice. Funny choice. Then he drops the towel just so he can intimidate Miguel with his big dick. He doesn't yet know that Miguel is a priest in training. Can I tell you how... P-I-T.
By the way, can I tell you how I would like to have shot that scene? I thought of this and I was like, well, I'll never make it. Don't overthink this too much, but the way I would have shot that scene is when he dropped his towel, it should have looked like an eclipse covered the sun.
Well, it's the whole thing. His dick is so big, it covers all natural life. I would have loved it if we knew Miguel was training to become a priest, but when he saw Travis's dick, he renounced God. I would love it. I would love nothing more than if I could make all of my roles force them to make me have a big dick in all of them, just by people talking about it.
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PNC Bank, National Association, member FDIC. They dedicate five minutes of the movie to Shep. I am sorry to keep going back to Shep and the chickens, and the cocks, rather. But the guy who's carrying the dead cock covered, who's saying, My son! My son! And he's so upset!
And Shep is just like, and then that's such a funny scene when everybody's watching and the cockfight lasts one second off camera. And then Shep is clearly affected by it. And then we go on and they, the guy, everybody's betting on the Maddox brothers eating hot peppers or something like that. But they cut to Shep outside in the world and the guy comes back again like, oh no!
And he walks back in again. The same scene plays out, but Shep is like so moved by it. They spend so much time. Shep alone with the cocks? What? I couldn't understand. Merrick was very upset when Shep fell out of the roof. Made me laugh. I laughed too. Just like, whomp. But she was so upset. Hey, what's up?
She was so upset. I actually just need an explanation. Then he was saying he was sort of covering for spying on her and then was saying there was an earthquake there. What was happening? Was he covering for falling out of the... It seems like no one had headset mics on.
It seemed like nobody in Video Village was able to hear the dialogue, and it just looked like, yeah, that looked like a scene happened. Great, move on. I guess. It feels like all they had was the idea that he's spying on them. Maybe he's jealous, he's insecure, whatever. He falls down into things, and then I feel like the rest of it, they were like, just go, just riff.
You guys will riff. Just try and be embarrassed and cover and all the earthquake stuff. All that stuff felt like riffing to me. But not good riffing. I could make heads or tails. But I think that's why it didn't make sense. Remember when they were playing Twister? Holy shit. With Sancho? And how many disgusting shots of feet there were? The whole thing was so gross. And when Shep farted in Travis's face?
I was like, what the fuck is going on? Don't show me farting in faces. Don't show me all these gross feet, please. This is not a Tarantino movie. You're not making up for this with brilliant filmmaking. This is too much foot content. And then they sing like this very weird Italian song. They sing it in a karaoke machine while the power is dot, dot, dot, out.
What? No! You made a whole point to be like, it's raining, the power is out, so they've got to play games. Except they've got a functioning karaoke machine. What? I also...
I don't know. I don't know what's happening. It falls apart. The movie is so unstable. You know what I mean? It's so unstable. It's like it doesn't have... It's like baking something without an egg. Ha-ha. Without an egg. There's no binder. There's no binder for the cake, and it's just coming apart in your hands, and you're like, what is this? And if we're going to even go there, the two women that try to seduce... Travis. Travis.
Right? Okay. They take his phone and instead of doing credit card transactions, anything, they just want to look through his photos. Like all they're doing is like, ew, gross. Like their job is to rob men and just critique their eye photo. Ew.
I will be up at night thinking about the women who went topless for this movie. I will never forget them. So many. And I honor them. So many. So many. So many boobies, boobs, and tits. For this.
But this. Oh my God. Devastating. Really. It's really devastating. Let's go to the audience. And I do have some more information about the novel. I got some other things to share. But we'll go out here. We'll see what we have going on. And I will say, if you are someone who has read the novels or have more book info, can we get house lights? Please raise your hand and give it to us because we want to know the truth. All right. What's your name? Amanda. Amanda, why do you love Netflix? Oh. What? What?
It's so good. It is. All right, your question. Do you want to recommend any shows from Hulu? You better watch yourself. It'll kick you right the fuck out. That's a trick question. All right. Your question. At one point, Abby talks about how she wants to move to Paris. And then with a very straight face and no further explanation, he said, well, how am I supposed to pursue criminal justice there? Oh!
Thank you so much. I mean, Amanda, great work. Both of those elements, both Paris and criminal justice, never mentioned again. Both of their dreams deferred. Criminal justice. I don't think he knows what those words mean. Nope. I again believe it's an improvised line. Yeah. Okay. Um,
Hi, how you doing? What's your favorite show hosted by Mikey Day on Netflix? I have no idea. Is it Cake? Now, here's your question. My question is, this movie's based in Mexico. They speak Spanish at some point, yet the owner of the hotel says a made-up word for dick in Spanish and can't say an actual Spanish word for dick. He's just like, Pino! And a what? Pino.
Really? Yeah. The entire time. That wasn't someone's name? No, no, no. He was referring to Dick. Oh, okay. The entire time. Right, because he's excited. He's like, oh, he has a big dick, right? And it's like, yeah. Yeah, like he's in the pool and the girls are like, oh, where are the guys? And he was like, I prefer Pino. And it's like, my guy. Like, binga, bene, fucking beach hole. The world is your oyster. Especially because also they are subtitling...
the Spanish speaking in the movie. He could say whatever he wants. All right. Yes. Your name? Jonathan. And your question?
more a comment. Shep's iPhone during the rooster murder scene, it inexplicably works like an old-style answering machine? Oh, right. It played a speakerphone. It answers on its own and plays out loud. So that he can sob in the closet about his grandmother dying. If I give the movie a little credit, I think the roosters answered the phone.
No, I think you're right. That's what I think. I'm assuming the roosters answered the phone just to torment Shep. All right, your name, your question. Hello, my name is Yuvia. Do roosters lay eggs? Good question, June. Do we have a cock expert in the room? Any pinot experts? Any pinot experts? Let me go back over here.
The movie's not concerned with reality like that. Well, here's what's really interesting, too. And maybe we've glossed over this because everything is so confusing. This went from a pretty, like, heightened but kind of real-world rom-com into...
fucking like hangover three territory like it's totally you're right they skipped part two and went straight to three and just changed tones it's like yes these are the same characters but tonally this is a comedy ooh I don't think so
Wait, you think that this movie thinks it's a comedy first? Yeah. She pukes on him? I think so, too. Oh, I definitely think they have comedy going on. But I mean, like, in the sense that, I don't know. I think they're still trying to do a rom-com. They just don't have any of the beats. I think they let go of rom and went into, like, sex. Well, sex comedy. Like, I think they were going for... American Pie. Okay.
Yeah, exactly. Or something. One applause for the world. One person, one clap. It's like one blooper. Thank you, Stifler. Stifler is over here. Please don't point that out. Please don't point that out. Please don't look at me. Please don't look at me. Please don't look at me. I... No, I agree with you. A single clap for American Pie. I know this is a movie... I know this is a movie with...
I would love it if from now on one of our things was that when people enjoyed a joke or something, they all just went... Just one. You guys get it. Try and implement it through the night. You all have to make eye contact, though, to make sure you get it on the same... You have to connect with each other. You've got to figure out group mind for the audience. Focus on the tall guy. He'll be your leader. Yeah.
Wait, I just forgot the wrong... Oh, this is a movie where I know that there are at least two handjob scenes in this movie, but the first handjob scene made me so uncomfortable where they're like, yeah, I like this. It's good. Obviously, they don't like giving handjobs. She tears three layers of skin off of his dick.
She is... They appear to have no lubrication whatsoever. And she is cranking down on that thing as if she is, I don't even know what, trying to tear it off his literal body. Okay. Okay. Okay. We're getting somewhere. This guy gets it. Focus on him now. He's the leader. You blew it, tall guy. Okay.
Alright, your name, your question. My name's Aaron, and I was going to ask what we think the name of the animated penis is, but someone here I think already gave us the answer. Pino. Pino? You think the animated penis is called Pino? I don't think so. Okay.
I would love it if that were the case. Ooh, that animated penis. Whew. That was tough. I needed it. I also don't understand why we needed to see an animated penis. She's like, give me an inch. And then it just shows how much more. Like, the way that the movie portrays that penis is as if she says, give me. The cartoon penis, you mean. Or his penis. No, the cartoon penis, in my mind. All right.
Sit with me on this one for a second. Ladies and gentlemen, take your time to explain to the audience how the cartoon penis played out in your mind. We got all the time in the world. We got all night, baby. Netflix is a joke. Okay. Okay. You guys, I love watching an audience learn. You guys nailed it. They didn't nail it yet, even though that is a show on Netflix. That's what I was trying to do. I was trying to make... All right.
You guys blue-eyed samurai'd that. No. People aren't even looking around. Don't fall apart. Okay. In my mind, she says, give me just an inch. Oh, God. Okay. And Travis goes, got it. And he just makes an inch of his dick hard.
And then she says, give me a little bit more. And it's like, and it gets a little bit bigger. Well, you're right. That is what... That's the way it's portrayed, right? You're right that that's what happens with the cartoon penis. But I think she's just... She's saying, give me the tip, essentially. Right, but...
But you're right. I'm just saying the way that the cartoon is making me understand it is that he has tremendous mind control. And let's be clear. Let's be clear and think about how impossible this would be. He's able to just make the tip hard first? I don't think so. He's getting the blood just to the tip. Quick, just straight through to the tip. Don't get anything else going.
This movie did make me hate sex. It does. Me too. Me too. It's gross. It makes me mad that I want the animated penis to be on the t-shirt. No way. But I, boy, do I want it. No way. No way.
I don't know if this makes it any clearer to you all, but I will just tell you this because I realize in my notes, the great Molly Reynolds, one of our producers, did write down everything. A Beautiful Disaster is based on the first book of Jamie Maguire's beautiful series. Are we still talking about what this is based on?
We not made any headway there? Here's what I feel like. I feel like I'm watching the movie now. I feel like the show is the movie and I thought we were wrapping up and I just looked at Paul and we have 45 minutes left. Somehow, somehow we've gone back in time. Wait a minute. If he says novella, I'm going to straight up kill myself happening style.
Okay. With the house lights off, you guys are struggling with the single clap. But I like it anyway. You keep leading. Watch his hat. I'm not going to look at you. No, them. Yes, them. Obviously...
You say novel, I say novella. There's a lot of different opinions out there, but now it's time for second opinions. Cold from prime, we have some opinions that it seems other people don't share. Though at times, stranger than Paul's childhood, these reviews are by people who care.
So let's read if there are boobies or cursing in this movie or wigs that look like hate crimes. Typed with love, but never punctuation. Five stars on Amazon Prime. Amazing. Great job. Fantastic. Wow. Great job.
All right. Here's the deal, people. This movie just came out a couple months ago. There's only 458 reviews. 52% of them are five-star. But, yep. But all of them suck. So I went to Discord and said, I love my Discord. This is written by Claire Meacham. What an honor to witness this. God bless America. Five stars. Five stars.
Do you think this person meant America like Mare, the character Mare? Yeah. God bless America, the character. Sarah Kiger writes, less Dylan Sprouse ass, but he did say Uga wanna fuck, so it balances out. Five stars. And then my favorite one of them all by Ian Bruce, you couldn't make a movie like this in 2024. What?
Bye, stars. Oh, that's amazing. Now... Oh, they wouldn't let you make a classic like this in 2020. The woke police wouldn't let you make this classic. There are a couple of things that are interesting that I wanted to share with you. We talked about the mud scene. And every time you hear the cast talk about this movie, they seem...
Well, like, again, one blooper. Also, how often do you hear this cast talk about the movie? Well, every time you hear the movie, the cast talk about this. How much are you tuning into that? Well, I started to go down a rabbit hole. I was like, oh, let me see, you know, I'll watch a couple of their interviews. Gardner called the mud scene the most challenging to film. That was two days in real mud, not fake mud.
There were rocks in it. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Is there fake mud? Let's unpack that just briefly. What's fake mud? I guess like where they would just make it. Well, you'll see why. She goes, not fake mud. There were rocks in it and mosquitoes were super drawn to it and they were laying eggs in it.
And it was pretty nasty. And I'm grateful that Rob Estes was in there with me. He's a great sport. But that was a tough scene for me. Then they cut a lot of it. So that always adds insult to injury when you spend a lot of time on something and it ends up on the cutting room floor. I feel for this woman. I feel for this woman. How long is this movie? What's the real time? An hour and like 35 minutes. It's four hours and 25 minutes. I only wonder because...
I only wonder because here is a, I have a theory as to why there is a single blooper.
You have to – your movie has to be a certain number of minutes long in order to qualify as a feature-length movie. So a lot of times the reason there are bloopers or bits at the end of a movie are because the edit has come in too short to fall into the category. I get that. That's normally under an hour 30. This is an hour 40. It is. Okay. So that's what I was wondering. I was like, oh, did they just need that one – Jason, it's not why. Okay.
I'm trying to help the movie out. I don't know why. I don't know why I think I love the Beautiful series. I think these movies are my movies.
Virginia's real life husband is in the movie. She got married right before she started shooting the movie, as did Dylan. They both were newly married. They went to go shoot this movie, and her husband is in it. She said he's outside the Lucha Libre tent. In an English accent? As if he's at a Ren Fair? Yep. In Mexico? I knew it.
Couldn't figure that out. I had to grab him by the nose and take him out of the frame. My husband and I had a lot of fun with that little cameo. It was his first time acting, so he was nervous. He did great. He was rehearsing that stupid song he sings in the movie. He sang it all day and night.
Everything just ends. That's infuriating because that's a perfect example of a thing in the movie that makes no sense because they're at the festival where she dresses as the cat. It's a luchador wrestling match. They're eating the hot peppers. It's a whole festival. And then she comes across a man who's acting like he's at a Ren Fair. Yep.
Like, hello, milady. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this now? How is this part of like the luchador festival that he's doing medieval stuff?
He calls her a wench and she gets mad at him? Was that it? Well, because now I'm wondering, like, does he... He's not an actor, so was that part in the script? Or was he just like, I want to be in the movie. This is something I can do. Yeah. Or she was like, babe, you should do your Ren Faire thing. Exactly. That bit we do that makes me laugh. Oh, Netflix. Jason June, would you recommend this movie? Yes, 100%. Yes. Forever and ever. I love it, I think.
Yeah, okay, we're back. No, it, no. No. It really, it depressed me. It made me sad. It made me sad for young women. It made me feel like, oh, there's so much work to do, you know? And will we ever get there? And why are we going backwards? It made me very depressed. Yeah, I agree. It was, it's, to me, I loved it. I hated it.
And I'm in this zone where I could watch it for the rest of my life and still get something out of it and also hate every minute of my waking life. I don't know. It's like a lifetime movie where they are allowed to go hard R, and that's what I kind of love about it. Yes, that's what I like. What I like, yes, it was more successful in the first one. In the first one because the plot a little bit was... The plot was insane.
You're looking back on the... This one was crazy. And the first one was too. The first one was crazy, but it at least was an archetype I understood. You know what I mean? They're in college. She's the bad boy. She's the... The plot is nuts, but I at least understood the architecture. You understood it was a rom-com. I understood the architecture. This is neither a wedding movie nor a bachelor party movie.
It's like a chase movie. It's a movie about the beauty of Mexico. They go to jail. All this stuff from the first movie, she never gambles, he barely fights, all that stuff out the window. All of the elements of the first one, it's almost as if they're starting from scratch and are like, we'll find it on the day. Should we go back to where the source material is from? So, in 2015...
All right. I love it. Thank you to this amazing L.A. audience. Thank you. You were fantastic. Netflix is a joke. Great work.
Great work. That's our show. Thanks as always to the wonderful staff at Largo and our recording engineer, Rich Garcia. If you want to show your love of this episode to the world, what better way to say I love a beautiful wedding than a commemorative T-shirt. The T-shirt that we made for this episode says we pulled the plug. Shep's grandma, 1941 to 2024. You can get that shirt and all the shirts from our recent episodes over at tpublicstores.com.
slash HDTGM. People, just a reminder that Troll 2, the virtual live show, will be on September 6th at 5 p.m. Pacific, 8 p.m. Eastern. The show is a fundraiser in support of moveon.org and tickets are pay whatever you can. Unfortunately, the live stream is only for U.S. residents, but it will be available to everyone as a regular audio podcast. My book, Joyful Recollections of Trauma, is available wherever you get your books, your e-books, or
or your audiobooks. And if you want a personalized copy, go to my website, head to Chevalier's, and they will take your order. I'll go there. I'll fill it out. I'll put whatever you want in there. And then you get it. That's the way it works. I've been doing it with them, and it's been absolutely amazing.
All right, everybody, if you have a correction or omission from this episode, leave me a voicemail at 619-P-A-U-L-A-S-K or write a comment on our Discord at discord.gg slash HDTGM. Then make sure to tune in next week to our last Looks follow-up episode on Beautiful Wedding to hear me respond to your messages and announce our next new movie. Plus, Jason and I will be going to chat.
with the one and only Greg Fitzsimmons. So make sure you tune in. Remember, if you listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, please make sure you are subscribed to our feed and have automatic downloads turned on in the show settings. People, download these episodes. It's important. It helps us
a lot and we appreciate it and last but not least I have to thank our entire team to who this show could not be done without I'm talking about our producers Scott Sonny and Molly Reynolds and our movie picking producer Averill Halle and our engineer Casey Holford and our associate producer Jess Cisneros that's all I got people we'll see you next week on Last Looks bye for now at Amica Insurance we know it's more than just a car
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