220: #220 Whole Foods featuring The Consumers
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Today's episode of the Nate Land podcast is brought to you by Jack Black, Rocket Money, and DraftKings. Hello, folks, and hey, Bear. I'm Brian Bates, as always. Tim Gondvy, Greg Warren, Dusty Slay, Sean O'Brien, the usual gang. Had a real podcast takeover here. We're really outnumbered on our own podcast here.

I thought you guys might laugh at that when I said that. I feel like I'm doing their podcast. I giggled. I mean, I sort of myself a little bit. Dusty and I feel like we're guests on y'all's podcast. We'll talk about that later. Nate is not here for obvious reasons. Nate is in New York getting ready for Saturday Night Live. We're happy for him. He needed that guy. He needed to catch a breath. You know what I mean? Finally. Yeah. Yeah, just some low-end music acting, right? Like some fly-by-night coming. Yeah.

Yeah, it's actually Coldplay. Local band finally getting a break. No, I'm saying I love Coldplay, too. Yeah, the first time he was on the Foo Fighters. My God. Yeah. Crazy. It's crazy. So Nate is in New York now doing SNL. Aaron's in Atlanta at the Braves game. They're in the playoff run. All right.

Lucy had the baby, but then he's like, my buddy's got tickets, so he's... No. Aaron, they had their baby Saturday afternoon. All right. Baby Olive. Big time. I texted with Aaron this morning. He said, tell everybody, mom and baby are doing great. Thank you for all the prayers. Five pounds, four ounces. Great. He said she had blonde hair. And he'll be on hopefully back next week, and we'll have photos and...

We'll hear all about it. Yeah, depending on how this goes, maybe we don't have either of those guys back. You know what I mean? Really? Yeah. Wow, that's a bold one. I'd feel bad about that. Yeah, I would love it. I'd do it. I'd feel bad about it. Yeah, we'll see what happens. Is it – if – you know, I was thinking about getting Aaron's baby like an Atlantic Braves baseball card or something, you know, like somebody from – like Dale Murphy or somebody like that or Hank Aaron. You think you'd still do that if it's a girl?

Yeah. I don't see why not. You guys got kids. Yeah, absolutely. I only have boys, which you got, you got my son a baseball card when he was born. Yeah. Yeah. Timo Perez. I have a boy. I didn't, I don't remember getting one of those, but you know, that's okay. Well, I, I might not even known you when you had probably not, but yeah, it's been almost a year. So get a card, get a card for this one. Yeah. Yeah. I'll get you. What's your son's name? Sam. All right, man. I didn't think about that. Nothing comes to mind right away.

mlb players named sam there's got to be somebody sam alone was a fake mlb player yeah probably got a card out there somewhere i can't think anybody else it's okay i am i am i am okay about it sam cassell played uh basketball for the houston rockets it's a basketball perfect yeah sam perkins did too right uh for yeah i can't remember who he played for yeah i think maybe uh

Portland. Is there a Sam Seattle quarterback? Yeah. Bradford. Yeah. Yeah. He was not good. He was not good. Yeah. Great college quarterback. Well, okay. I'm very excited to have you guys because last month I was in St. Louis and

And Greg said, I'm going to get you on the Christie show. And Courtney. Oh, it's Courtney. Yeah. Yeah. He got you on the Christie show. Boy, man, that's your career. I love you. And I think you're funny, but you can't, you can't get on the Christie show. No, it's too hard. Christie show is the Courtney show. Excuse me. Courtney show. And Tim said, come on the Courtney show. And I'm like, I'm a,

I'd love to. And then I get there and Courtney's not there. It was Christy. Courtney was filling in for Christy. You came in to fill in for Courtney. So when these guys said, Hey, can we come on Nate's podcast? I got the perfect week for you guys. Yeah. I'll return the favor. Okay. That's what I'm doing to him. Nice. Love it. Yeah. You came on. So I'm, I'm on the Courtney show. You came on and we, we hadn't met. Oh no, we had met briefly just a few days before. Uh,

And then you showed up and we're like, Courtney's out. You're just on, you're just doing the show with us. And we had, we had a great time. Yeah. It was on for like three hours. Yes. Did not get paid, but. No. Well, we want to see how this goes. I feel like it's an equal. What are you, what are you looking for as far as. Compensation? Yeah. To meet Courtney, I think. I got a joke out of it. Oh yeah. That's worth everything. Come on. Yeah. Um,

Our pal Ron from the Funny Bone drove Brian to see us on the Courtney show. So they came over and Brian had, I could tell something, he'd been affected by something and you shared it. Well, we got there a little early. It's the crack of the, I just met Ron. It's very often with morning radio. They club send someone to pick you up that you've never met. It's,

You just rolled out of bed. Let me clean my car out. Yeah. Yeah. They'll throw some stuff over and then you climb in and you go do morning radio. I just met him. We get to the radio station a little early. I said, Hey, can we go through that McDonald's drive-thru? Um,

so I can get some breakfast before we do it. And he's like, sure. So we go through the drive-thru and I ordered the bacon egg at Cheese McGriddle, McDonald's. And she said, it'll be $8.93. Would you like to round up to $9 for charity? And I just instinctively said no. Yeah, perfect. And then, the right answer. I said, to take it a step further, I said to Ron, I was like,

She didn't even say what the charity was for. I'm not going to give her money. And Ron said, well, it's probably for the Ronald McDonald house. The reason I know is because my daughter had open heart surgery. That's great. And we stayed there for many weeks. And then we just sat in silence in the drive-thru.

We roll up. I have to hand the woman my money. She hands me seven cents over Ron's face. Here, give this nickel and two pennies to your daughter. Hope she's doing well. And then he drops me off at the radio station. So is it free to go to the Ronald McDonald house? It is. It's free? Not anymore because I didn't get my advance since it used to be.

That was a little tax. It is free? Yeah, yeah. If it's free, I would donate. Yeah. I'm into that. Yeah, it's a good shirt. Sometimes they'll be like, yeah, donate. And then you go, oh, is it free? And they go, oh, no, you still pay a lot of money to be there. But the money's going to research.

You can find your own research. Hamburglar house, though, is going to cost quite a bit. Yeah. That's a rip off. He's a crook. It's a profit deal. It's not even a charity. Terrible. You're right. He's a crook. Unbelievable. Yeah. So anyway, Nate will be gone forever. Aaron should be back next week. We'll hear all about the baby.

Nate Land Live is the new weekly show we have here right here at the Lab at Zany's. Every Monday night. I hosted last week was the first one. Dusty's hosting tonight. Great lineup of comics. Every Monday. Okay, lineup. Good host tonight. Strong, strong. Get there early. Leave whenever you want. Yeah.

Get your tickets at zanies.com if you're coming to that. We're having a good time, guys. And then we also have the Nate Land Showcase. And Dusty hosted last month. It was a hot show. You were on that show, Greg. I was on that show. Nick Murphy was on it. You guys remember Nick? He was great. Everybody on that show was great. That was a particularly hot show. Yeah, but Nick's comes out this week. That's why I mentioned Nick. Oh, sorry. Everybody had really hot sets on that show. It was a great show. Nate did a guest spot. I mean, it was like.

Boom, boom, boom. I'm hosting this month. It's going to be another hot show. All right. Got a lot of good cup. Liz, Liz Glazer, Bobby Jay Cox, St. Louis guy, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Simon Frazier and Mike Goodwin. All very funny. Okay. I'll be on their best behavior. Um, and if you're here in Nashville, tickets go on sale for the next showcase, November 4th at the lab. So November 4th, the next one at the lab. Also Nate lands recording Steven Rogers special, uh,

Very funny. Yeah, that's going to be great. He's doing it at the Comedy Fort in Fort Collins, Colorado. That's October 12th at the Comedy Fort. And our very own Greg Warren doing another special. Look out. This guy's a writing machine. He is cranking it out. Yeah, he is. November 23rd at the Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio. That's a great club. Yeah, it's a big one. You know what? I was going to do it in St. Louis, my home club that it's like...

easy to fill. You know, it's like I can fill that thing in a heartbeat. But my friend Tim Convey told me it was a stupid idea to film there because the setup wasn't right. The ceilings were too low and I had Nate's guys take a look at it and they agreed. So I'm going to Columbus, which is, it's a huge club. It's a great, it looks good.

I think it'll look great. I think it'll look great. It looks like a theater almost. But I got to fill it. And if I don't fill it, it's on Tim Convey. It's on me. So yeah, if you're listening, buy tickets. But also, it's going to look better. This is going to pay off. I assure you. Columbus is a great city. The club is great. The club is fantastic. And you've talked about how you're going for more of an artsy thing anyway, right? So I think the lighting is important on that.

this one. Artsy? Yeah, that was kind of the priorities that shifted a little bit on this one. I was mostly... You kept talking about a statement you wanted to make. I always think artsy when I think Greg. Totally. Yeah. It says fashion. No. Yeah. That's why I led you in that direction. I was under the impression... This is all...

terrible okay I mean well jokes is really what I'm told people say who's a good alt comic I always send them totally yeah I tend to see myself as right down the middle almost avant-garde I think is what you think so yeah it's Neil Hamburger Greg Warren 100% yeah so November in Columbus do not miss that Hamburger is more avant-garde than me when did you guys get to town

I got in last night. I flew in from Pittsburgh and these guys got in. Yeah, we just drove in a few hours ago. So you wore that jersey even after you'd seen the game? No, man. I'm so proud of the Bill. Yeah, I know. I deserve it. It was an ugly, ugly game last night. I just love him so much. So I was like, I got to showcase him on a cool platform. So and now I'm paying the price because I'm warm and because they look, they got their heads kicked in last time.

You know, Dusty used to work with the Buffalo Bill. What? That's true, yeah. My old boss played for the Buffalo Bills way back. He was in his late 60s when I worked for him. So named Stu Barber.

And there's a local comic, Corey Knox, that played briefly with the Bills. That's true. Really? Very briefly. I think he was on maybe practice squad, maybe played a preseason game. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So you, that was when you were selling? Pesticides. Pesticides? Yeah. You had a guy play? Yeah. Yeah, my, he retired and I got his job, but I was a seasonal employee for him, but he was great. We had a lot of fun. I didn't know you moved up, man. Yeah, I moved up one position. And actually they restructured the,

the company. And then I, I kind of like by default moved up a position. Yeah. I was a, my title was a district manager. No kidding. That's a, my pay never changed. And you know, yeah.

Yeah. Really? After my initial move up, my initial move up, I became a salaried employee with a car allowance. Sean sold cars. Yeah, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was a grind. Three years. Loved it. But never like a promotion. It's a flat organization, right? There's no. Yeah, it was just like, hey, you sign up. You want to. My interview was like, you want to make some money.

That's literally what a guy, my manager told a 23-year-old kid. He goes, you're a classic Italian guy. Looked like, I swear, like Pesci in Casino. Just had his back hair, nice suit. And he goes, so you want to make some money?

I go, I mean, that'd be great. I love money. He goes, here's this pamphlet on Dodge products. Read it in two days. See you Monday. And that was it. Just in. And then they're like, there's the floor kid. Just go talk to people. All right. I guess we're going to do this. And then you did it for three years. I did it for three years. So you made some money. But I really only made money like the last year.

Because the first year, they're like, I'm like, hey, how's it going today? They're like, nah, we're just looking. I'd be like, see you later. And then I'd just be like, all right. I always had no sort of like how to combat objections. Now you're like, let me get your ID. Oh, man. We were grinding. It would be like, let me get your keys to your trade-in. That was the move. Then you held them hostage. Yeah.

Oh, you're thinking of trading that car? Yeah, we're thinking about it. Give me your keys. I'm going to have my used car traded manager take a look. He didn't exist. It's me. And then we just take the keys. I give it to like some lot guy and then he vanishes for two hours. And they're like, yeah, I'm ready to go. I'm like, yeah, I swear you're – they're around here somewhere. Just give us a minute. Let me crunch some more numbers. I just chiseled out. Have your kid get in the car with our lot guy too.

It's dirtbag tax. Very unethical. That's what that is. Dirtbag tax. Yeah, Dusty was all about that. Yeah, I mean, you got to make a sale. You know what I mean? So I get it. You got to make the sale. He was closer to you than me. There's principles. I think. I think. Now, will you guys talk about this kind of stuff on the consumers?

Yeah, we talk a little bit about everything. First episode came out yesterday. Yesterday, that episode was the Dunkin' Donuts episode. We pick one brand every week and we do a deep dive on it. We're about to get a Dunkin' Donuts right across the street. No kidding? Yeah, that's big, man. Really? Just Dunkin' now, right? Just Dunkin'. You can dunk anything you want now. Doesn't that just have to be Donuts? Yep. Comes out every Tuesday? Every Tuesday. Why don't we get some reviews?

Came out yesterday. I already have some reviews here. Oh, yeah? What did it say? Let's read a couple. Let the other guys talk, Greg. That was one. Very reasonable and makes sense. This one says, oh, I love Greg as a guest on Nate Land and on Bob and Tom, but not really a leading man kind of guy. Don't know if he can carry a podcast himself. I have some of these. I hate it when they all the doubts that you have about yourself. They just. Yeah. Well, I kind of made that up. So those weren't real.

Well, that hurts. Actually, that does hurt because I actually thought they were real. I was like, nice. People understand what I'm going through. I was like, all right, sweet. That is the comments you get. You can get comments like, you suck or whatever. And it's like, those are fine. But when they, they'll find one that's like, like a deep, like you're like, whoa, do you know me? Have you known me since childhood? Yeah.

Yeah, they do have a way sometimes. Jeez. Yeah, the reasonable comments are the worst. Yeah, yeah. Reasonably negative, well-thought-out comments. Like, I can tell this guy has a lot of insecurities based on the way he moves around, and I'm like, oh, jeez. This guy makes a strong point. I think he peed his pants a little bit before he walked on stage. How did he know that? He's like, whoa. Who's talking? Yeah.

Those are the worst. The leading man thing, were you nervous about being a leading man? No. I wasn't starring in a Scorsese film. I'm talking about donuts and peanut butter. Fairly easy transition. Yeah, and White Castles. But yeah.

No, I think I'm very proud of that first episode. Yeah, it's a good time. And the one's coming. Well, what about a little taste of what, when you say you do a deep dive on Dunkin' Donuts, what are you going in on? You want to talk Dunkin' or you want to talk a new brand? Well, we can talk, we're going to talk a new brand today. We're going to get through these comments first. Yeah. Just do a deep dive on Dunkin' Donuts.

Yeah, what do you guys remember about Dunkin'? Like when they got started. So Dunkin's big thing, Dunkin' was the franchise one, right? Franchises basically exist today as we know them because of Dunkin' Donuts. It was frowned upon. Everybody hated the whole idea of franchising. In fact, in some states, you could not advertise that

you were a franchise. You couldn't mention it. It was almost illegal to franchise. And the main Dunkin' guy was like, it was the only way he thought he was going to make money. All he's selling is donuts and coffee. So he went big, talked all these guys into franchising, and that's why we have franchises. Wow. So Dunkin' ruined it for us. Yes, yes. Pretty much. Quality of everything is worse because of Dunkin' Donuts.

The other thing is the guy, Bill Rosenberg, I think is the guy that started Dunkin' Donuts. He was like a kid and he dropped out of school in the eighth grade because it was the depression. And this kid was like a hustler. And they said one of the ways where he made a bunch of money as a kid, he would take a big block of ice and he would haul it to the horse racetrack and he would sell ice chips. And he made a ton of money doing that. Wow. Yeah. Which, one...

I don't know anybody that's eaten ice chips other than pregnant women. And I don't know if they should be betting on horses. Maybe they should.

uh and it's a different time though it's real hot maybe they didn't have air conditioner i guess my thing is who is the stadium letting him come in and do that like i can't go to where the titans play and just walk in with some sort of bags of ice and be like don't mind me guys i'm just here selling stuff next to your concession yeah we're a little suspect we talked a little bit about that uh we i don't know i thought that was pretty interesting uh they had that uh

They had that donut with a handle for a very long time. Do you remember that? No. It was like a donut.

And it had like a handle. For people who love donuts but wish there was a handle. Yeah. Yeah. You know how when you're, if you don't have a handle. It wasn't an edible handle. No, it was. Okay. It was an edible handle. Which really is just more donut. Yeah. They didn't think it completely through. Yeah. Yeah. But they stopped doing that, I believe, 2001. Yeah. Because it's like a tire with a boot on it.

Right. Yes. Right. It's a lot like that. Yeah. They're really trying to push their coffee now, though, right? Yeah, that's why they went to Dunkin'. American runs on Dunkin'. Yeah. Which we felt was one of the best

pretty much in history. And it was John Goodman doing it, right? What? I think John Goodman was the voiceover for America. We missed that. Somebody fumbled that ball. Yeah, I think Tim was supposed to do that. Yeah, that was a Conby department. John Goodman is the voiceover for America runs on Duncan. Yeah. I don't know. If he's not, he sounds a lot like him. Yeah. I don't know.

If Aaron was here, we'd look it up. We'll have to recut that. We'll find out next week. Yeah. I'm humiliated. He's a St. Louisan, too. He really blew it. Yeah, he grew up right down the street. I'm hoping it's not him. John Goodman was really great. You hate to...

I hate to be anti someone losing weight, but it felt like when John Goodman lost a lot of weight, it's like he seemed like a different guy. I agree. And I'm happy for him, but he's a different guy now. Yeah. Heavy John was great, man. He had range. That's what I loved about the guy. He made arachnophobia funny. Yeah. That movie still haunts me to this day, and he's hilarious. He is hilarious in that movie. Love him. Maybe he just got a little older. Could be it, too. Could be.

could be. No, he made an effort. He was a big guy. He played Babe Ruth. He's big. And then all of a sudden we're just supposed to take him seriously. And he's still playing, what's his name? Dan Conner, but he's skinny now. I'm with you. I was not rooting for him. He's going to play Ty Cobb in a movie. Yeah, well, you get older. Yeah, it's good. It's not bad at all. Willie McGee. Willie McGee would have been a better one. And I know your podcast is great because everything you do is great. I made those jokes. It kind of bombed, but

I think, no, I didn't. I loved it. I'm glad you did. And that makes me appreciate it. A lot of the podcasts is Sean and I,

Don't agree on a lot of things. Yeah, we don't see eye to eye, just pretty much in life. So we decided to join forces just to make, yeah, sometimes on paper it doesn't fit, but I'm sure we'll get through it after episode four. Greg says you're a huge fan of the Nightland podcast. I love it, man. I am. I've never seen one. Tim's never seen one? Tim speaks out against it. Yeah, I don't. Do not care for it. I've never seen an episode either. Is that right? Yeah.

No, I'm a big fan. I'm, I'm, uh, yeah, I'm way into it. I want to tell you guys about Jack Black deodorant. Yeah. Anybody care to hear about that? Yeah. All right. Immediately. I see my wife's body care products and they're always so much nicer than mine. I can finally compete because I found Jack Black deodorant.

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Uh, that's good stuff. Is it? Yeah. Put that in a pies. Oh, pumpkin pies. All right. The real test. I think Abigail put that on. Let's get her in here. Let's smell her pits. The next place. No, that's a different type of podcast. That's more of a Howard Stern type thing. I use Howard Stern. I use Jack black this morning. Uh, my favorite scent. This is all Abigail. Uh,

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A men's luxury brand. You got a little bit of a... Well, yeah. And I love luxury. So it works. I know that's a deodorant and antiperspirant combined. Crossover, if you will. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's about time. If you want simple, effective products that do what they say they're going to do, you need Jack Black. Head to getjackblack.com slash Nate and use code Nate for 10% off your order and free shipping. Once again, that's getjackblack.com backslash...

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We didn't do where we were this weekend. No, we didn't. I had some hot shows. Let's hear about it. I was in Lexington at the Lexington Opera House in Kentucky. Hot show. Lexington's always great. That's a great town. We filmed a special there. I love it. I always say the worst thing about it, because I am doing some theaters now, the worst part about it is leaving clubs that I really like. The Comedy Off-Broadway is a great club. I like doing it.

I hate that I didn't get to do it there when I was there. And then I went over to Bristol, Tennessee, to the Paramount. And very sad stuff happening in East Tennessee and North Carolina. But somehow, even being in East Tennessee, I didn't see any of it. And how was your crowd? Really great.

Yeah, great crowds. Maybe it was the Virginia side of Bristol. Maybe so. Well, I stayed in the Virginia side and then I drove into Tennessee, but it was great. Are you claiming hoax?

what's that are you claiming maybe this is no no i'm just saying i was it was blessed to uh to not experience any anything not even any bad rain yeah it cleared up each night so i could have cigars outside i mean it rained all day and then at night it's cleared up so i could smoke cigars you do that after every show yeah we we uh hung out in the parking lot after the last time i did a show here yeah and you smoked some cigars i don't smoke them but it was

It's so great. It's cool to be around it. I'm trying to start. I mean that. I really am. It looks so much fun, but I just, I think you inhale a little bit and that's not good. Oh, I don't. Yeah, you can't inhale. I don't mean to. I just, I got an instant and then I'm like coughing. It's so fun to just, you know, after the show, it's a good wind down. I find if I do cigars before shows, that's a real mistake. All my energy is gone. I'm already a low energy comic. And then halfway through the show, I'm like, can I even finish this?

But after post-show, that's where it's at. So you still get a little nicotine though by puffing on them, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All in the glands. And then I wind down and then I go back to my hotel and stay up till 3 a.m. on TikTok. You know what I mean? Were you guys anywhere this weekend? Yeah, I was in Las Vegas. I got to open for Nikki Glaser and David Spade do a residency out there. So they were there together.

every couple of months. And, uh, yeah, I get to open those shows at the Venetian and, uh, yeah, it was, it was amazing. It was, uh, yeah. Place is incredible. And, and you're, you're the casino and Vegas and all that. And, uh, yeah, Spade was amazing. And, and yeah, Nikki's great. It was real, real fun shows. That's awesome. No cigars, lots of people smoking in those, uh, casinos. You don't need to smoke in Vegas. You can just walk through the casino. Exactly. Yep. Yep.

I mean, it's, it's, and you, you're just, you're not used to that in public anymore. And then you go to a place like that and it's pretty money on the table all over. I didn't, I don't do that. I love Vegas because I love, I love the people watching. I love that people are in a good mood. The shows are all always good. Uh,

But I don't gamble. I don't drink. I don't go to the clubs or anything like that. But I still have a great time. My buddy Brendan Ayer said that you drug him to the punk rock museum. I did. He said it was pretty horrible. It was not great. I was real, real excited. I was...

Really pumped. And I did like, Brendan was like, I got a bunch of stuff to do today. He was working at a Brad Garrett's club. I'm trying to take a nap before the show. And I'm like, please, I didn't want to go solo. So he went with me and there's nothing punk rock about a $45 admission to the punk rock museum. Yeah, it was, it was, you paid his fee though, right? I did. I got, I got Brendan's cause I felt bad. It was, listen, it was not, if you're into punk rock,

and you're in a museum, you should go. If you're not into those things, you should not go. It does not transcend a museum, if that makes sense. Kind of punk rock to have a bad museum about punk rock, though. Yeah. True. For a second, I was like, is this whole thing just this punk, like you pay the admission fee, you turn the corner, and it's just like... Some guy screaming at you. Yeah, middle finger. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

I was like, that'd be pretty good. That'd be really punk. It'd be a better story. But I'm glad I went. It was fine. People, they were nice. Some guy calling you an idiot for coming in there? Yes. Sort of like that sort of thing? No, aren't you in a punk rock band? Yeah, I'm in a band called Ludo that is certainly some punk influence. And then I do a band that does two shows a year. So one is basically punk rock Disney. Like my comedy. We do, yes.

Two shows a year. Yeah, all drivable. I've always said Brian's comedy is punk rock. Yeah. Yeah, it is. We got avant-garde and punk rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Comedy pillars. Yeah, so I do a band that plays punk rock versions of Disney songs. We do a punk rock Disney and then punk rock Christmas, which we do in St. Louis. It'll be December 7th. So it's all your favorite Christmas songs, the hymns, whatever, but by this cool punk band. And yeah, it's fun.

And I saw a bunch of my friends that I used to tour with and stuff all in the museum. Really? We were not, my band not represented in the punk rock. Oh, you mean like display the museum? Yeah, like their gold records are up or what? It was like a jacket that guys I knew wore and stuff. And I kept kind of like looking around every corner. No Ludo. Nothing? No Ludo. Yeah. Rude. So I started my own little

Oh, did you just a thing in the bathroom where it's our, okay. That's good. I'll check it out. Put up a vinyl. Yeah. Which is really, which is really more punk too, to be like our exhibits in the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. I felt good. But yeah, Vegas was great. Great weekend. Sean, were you anywhere? I was off last weekend. I went to see my girlfriend. I went to see the bare naked ladies with the wet sprockets. So if you're 40 or over, you probably know what I'm talking about. Yeah. So, uh,

um very fun man just to the bare naked lace silly the guy's running bits on stage he did it he did a bit on stage he's ends he's doing whatever like a million dollars and then he just goes guys you want to hear a joke and the whole crowd's like yeah yeah and i'm like oh no just play the music i don't have time for this aggravation yeah but whatever you know and then he goes i bet you let's see if you feel he goes uh because i was in a library and i go up uh

I go up to the lady working at the counter library. I go, yeah, let me get two cheeseburgers, large fry. I know this show. Great joke. Extra large Coke. Um, actually make that, make the three fries. That'll be it. And the librarian goes, sir, this is a library. And then he goes,

may I please have two large French fries? That's a great joke. I'm going to do it. I'm not good at street jokes. Again, I was like, I called that. I was like, I gave my girl a little elbow. I go, watch this. I'll punch this in first. So I had a friend, the crowd's like, oh, no way. This is crazy.

Whoever wrote that joke is great. I shouldn't be able to predict it to me. It's a fun street joke, but it's like, yeah, if you're in there to see music, it's like, I don't know. You got a joke, do a joke, but don't do a street joke. And he's a fun guy. I'll give it to him. Bare naked ladies, you should be able to just create something. I bet, and I hope this is the case. Someone just told him that, and he's like, I want to share this.

I hope that's not what he does every 20 years. Yeah, it feels like it was a St. Louis special because he was actually at that. They were at the factory where you played. Oh, yeah. That same place. So he had a lot of it's in this suburb called Chesterfield. I did that joke there, too. Yeah. You open it. Cut to Bates tonight on the show going down.

broken to my old apartment. That's a very naked lady song, right? Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. I don't think I knew. Yeah. Well, he was really proud because if I had a million dollars, he references something about like Chesterfield or an autumn and Chesterfield is the suburb where the factory is. So he was very proud of that. Okay.

Very. And he like called that like mid song. He broke song and he goes, like, guys, you see, you see, I wrote this song. It all fate happened 20 years in. I finally got the Chesterfield by saying Chesterfield. And that one kind of bombed. Actually, they play any songs all the way through. It sounds like they kept stopping. They stopped a lot, man. They played nine songs, four and a half hour concert. So no, I'm kidding. No, they did a journey. The journey they take. Yeah. And then they close with ACDC Highway to Hell, which I thought was Dusty's favorite song. Yes.

Are you not a fan? Well, you know, I mean, you know, I grew up liking those songs, but then you realize what you're singing and I'm like, oh yeah, no, I don't want that. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to sing. I'm on a highway to, I don't even want to say it. Wow.

We were at, you guys can sing it all you want, but, uh, that's not, that's not what I'm trying to say. We were at a birthday party where there was a band and they're like, everybody gather round up here. And we all went up there enthusiastically. And that was the song that they started playing. And Dusty's like, ah. Yeah. And then the guy goes, uh.

So there's this librarian. Yeah. And they want to rope us all into trying to go to hell out here. And I'm like, you know what? I'm good. Now, is it true Bare Naked Ladies came up with that name to get people to come in the door? Yeah. Really? Just put it on a poster like this Friday at the whatever. I've considered doing that with my comedy career. Just something similar. I don't know what it would be. Just seems like the ultimate. Free fried chicken. I don't know. Yeah. Seems like the ultimate letdown, though, doesn't it?

You go in, you're like, oh yeah, bare naked. Right. And then it's like, it's five Canadian dudes, a library joke. Yeah. And, uh, right. You know,

You can only do that a couple of times. That's real disappointing. Where were you? Oh, thanks for asking, man. I thought you were going to skip me. Sure, nope. I had a show in Youngstown, Ohio on Friday night, and then I did a show in Pittsburgh. It was like a fundraising thing for some charity in Pittsburgh. Always giving back. Yeah, I took money on this one. Every now and then I don't, but I took money. You didn't agree with the charity.

No, I agree with it. You can't do them all for free. You gotta pay the bills. But they had this thing I didn't know about. Do you guys know about in the state of Pennsylvania, at every function like weddings and this thing, they call it cookie table.

I've heard of this. Keep going. Yeah. Oh, man, I walked in and immediately my eyes just went to the most beautiful baked goods you've ever seen on every table in the place. Like cupcakes and cookies. I've done many shows in Pennsylvania. That's never happened. Well, they're not going to have a comedy club. Oh, okay. Yeah, but like at a wedding or this was kind of a, you know,

a charity thing where families got together and stuff like that. - Oh, God. - But yeah, I hope somebody in Pittsburgh invites me to a wedding 'cause it was unbelievable. - And people bring 'em? I'm sorry, everybody brings 'em? - I don't know if ever- - They just appear. - I think it was there, man. - Whenever two souls- - They booked home baked and it was beautiful. Yeah, that's a PA thing is cookie tables. I don't know if it's PA or just Pittsburgh. - When you propose in Pittsburgh,

Things just start making. Uh-huh. That's really cool. I didn't know that. That's great. That's great. Well, I was in Louisville, Kentucky at the Louisville Comedy Club. Oh, yeah. You called me on the way up, man. Yeah. Greg has great advice. He said- Now, let's take it easy. He said, you know, depending on the crowd size, sometimes you have to do a presentation and sometimes you just have to have a conversation. Yeah.

And I started thinking about it. I was like, you know what? There's never been a time I had to do a presentation. You can always just have a conversation. A lot of conversations. Yeah, you were telling me on the way up, you're like, I think it might be a small crowd. I'm like, well, then you need to talk to them a little bit more than talk at them. Yeah. When it's a small crowd, I like to get weird with it. Yeah. I find that's more fun. Yeah. I don't know, man. When it's a big crowd, you're not exactly straight down the line. Yeah.

That's her tip. That is true. That is true. You're not reading prose up there. I think that's weirdness I can't avoid. The automatic stuff and then you spread your wings a little bit on the weird one. You saw Abe R there? Yeah, he hosted. Ron McComb featured. It was...

Yeah, it was a small crowd, but I had a good time. It was good? Yeah. Yeah, it was so small they didn't have me fill out a W-9, so... They're like, Kentucky ain't even going to recognize it. Just don't even worry about it. Yeah. You just told everybody the threshold you did not meet. I mean, everybody sort of knows that number. Every show you're like, here's my paper. I love that. The tax-free tour. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's some driving money. Yeah. So...

Anyway, but I had a great time. They should just pay you with like a card and a grandma. Some ones? They turn people away. They're like, are there no more seats? They're like, no, it's the IRS line. The W-9. Yeah, you sell one more ticket. We're going to have to do some paperwork. Uncle Sam finds out. Let's just stop now. Keep the street going. You guys want to get into these comments? Yeah.

Dusty, you want to read or me? You want to do it. Do you want to do it? You want to take turns? No, I'll do it. All right. I feel like sometimes when I'm like, yeah, I'd like to do it, and then we get halfway through and I'm like, I wish I had not. Yeah. I wish I had not said yeah to it. Well, I do want to say, oh, go ahead. No, I was going to say, you can start and then bail out. Yeah, but I feel like it looks bad. Yeah, you don't want to be a quitter. Yeah.

Comments come from Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Apple Podcast Reviews, and nateland at natebargatze.com. Nate never reads that part, and then every week people are always commenting, where'd all email, where'd all email? So I want people to know the email is nateland at natebargatze.com. All right, Cameron Hadley. I really do like every episode and have never disliked a guest, but when I see the words featuring Greg Warren, I get unreasonably excited. Always some good peanut butter talk when he comes on.

That's pretty cool. Is it Greg Warren that you like or the peanut butter talk? I'll take either. It's true. Yeah, it seemed like they were like, I get excited about Greg Warren and then add in always some peanut butter talk. Like what if Greg doesn't talk about peanut butter at all that episode? I don't really see where that's going.

Or what if we just talk about peanut butter when Greg's not here? Do you think that's still going to make Cameron Hadley excited? Then you're going to render me sort of useless. That is true. Another good point. Expertise, I think, that it's hard to duplicate. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you.

You think Cameron's a man or a woman? I think a woman. Yeah, definitely a woman. You want it to be a woman because Cameron's getting unreasonably excited. I just like unreasonably excited. I think I'm going to start saying that. As somebody who's unreasonable most of the time. Correct, man. You're right. So I'll be unreasonably excited while I'm being unreasonable.

Melanie Hughes, beyond excited to hear Greg Warren's podcast. We'll be joining the lineup of the Nateland channel. Sounds like an awesome premise. Hoping Nateland will eventually have one podcast to listen to for each day of the week. Keep on creating. Wow, Melanie loves an exclamation point, and I like that about her. Yeah. I'm like that too. People make fun of me. Yeah. I go heavy. Really? Yeah, because especially in text, you kind of want to let them know your tone. So I go heavy on the exclamation point.

This is what I do. If there's three...

And there are three sentences and I did all exclamation points. I go back in the middle one changed. I do too. I do too. I was like, nah, this is too exciting. Yeah. Unreasonably excited. Sandwich it. They still get the idea. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. It seems formulaic. Yeah. But sometimes if you go, Hey, and then the name exclamation point, it's like, it's like, you know, like a period seems like you're being serious. Yes. Correct. Exclamation point. It's like,

I'm not really that excited. That's almost unreasonably exciting. We need a in-between exclamation point and period. A comma. Nobody's doing a comma. Text, can you imagine? Are you insane? If you were like, hey, Greg, comma, and then in a text? I mean, I think I've done it. Really? Maybe if you do dot, dot, dot. Yeah. Elliptical ending? Ellipses, I believe. Ellipses? Very good. It's hard to do an exclamation point if you're giving bad news.

Hey, Greg, you've just been fired. You don't need to come in tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to tell Melanie about the middle sentence. She actually has four sentences here. But in this case, it works. I don't think anything's sincere about what we wrote. I don't think so either.

Do you ever, when you reply to each other, like your friends, do you say your buddy's name? Like I'll never, if Tim sends me a message, I never, it's always gotta be. Hey, but Hey buddy. Hey pal. Hey man. And I'll use that. And I almost feel like I could never just, cause I feel like Hayes to just info, like almost cold. Like, Hey, so I always do a buddy, man, pal.

I like my guy. I like bro, buddy, man. But if I never do a pal, dude, bro is my dude. If I'm texting you too, that I text regularly, I'll go, yo dude. Hey dude. Hey man, pal, whatever. But if I'm texting Brian who I haven't texted in a while, I'll say, Hey Brian, like full acknowledgement. You know what I mean? All right. More formal. Can you guys go with chief?

If you do Chief, you should do big guy. I do player quite a bit. You shouldn't do that. You're not that guy. I am. No, you're not. On occasion. I'm that guy. I assure you.

Do you do play? L a Y a. Oh, I go ER. Okay. Good. All right. Got it. Yeah. Yeah. Tim did a set on my show with St. Louis. Yeah. Very excited. He said exclamation point. Oh yeah. I thought he meant something to him, but I'll bet our first, I bet our first text exchange is just littered with exclamation points. Yeah. Yeah. I thought you were really excited to do the show. I was, and it was, and we had a great time. He called me. He's like, I got to do this show. Thanks. Yeah.

I'll put exclamation points in just to make it feel like. Very excited, player. Yeah. Beyond excited. Try player. Put player in. Unreasonably excited. Unreasonably excited.

Uh, Jake Stevens. I've started eating dinner with my hands when I'm at home. No utensils. I got to say it does make the meal more enjoyable. I think Dusty is onto something with some of his ideas. Yeah. All of my ideas are good. If people just embrace them, that's what I, I was in a hotel the other day, kitchen in there. I went and walked to the store, bought a steak, uh,

cooked it in the hotel was eating it with utensils and i'm like what am i doing and i just picked it up and started eating this day i had i had like some type of side i don't remember what it was at this point but it it needed a fork and i ate it with my hands sure and it felt good oh i get it yeah it felt i was like why am i doing this it was in the hotel yeah let me ask you this

as a napkin did you use the the towel from the bathroom oh i do that every time every time every you guys do that every i've never said that out loud before but i do it all the time i did it this past week i've had some towels by the end of the week like oh they'll never get this clean yeah

I had barbecue last week and I looked down and I'm like, they got to throw this towel. I'll throw it away for them because I'm too embarrassed. I'd rather them think I stole it than see all that's going on with that towel. Yeah. 100%. I've ruined a lot of towels. Sorry.

I've ruined some bed sheets with food. With food. Sean eats in bed. Oh, I do. And not in just a hotel. Like, I'll eat in my own bed, which is way worse. Yeah, that is worse. If you're eating in bed.

People are like, well, what do you eat in bed? And I'm like, man, if you have to ask, it's not broccoli. I can tell you that much. All right. Look at me. I'm clocking in at 274. What could I possibly be eating? Nobody's eating healthy foods. You're so dead on. Yeah. It's quinoa, you know, mixed with romaine lettuce. Working on my portion control. Lettuce wrap. That would be the healthy. If it was a lettuce wrap, that'd be the best thing I've done so far, man.

Yeah. Oh, it's so sad, man. But eating with your hands, it really feels good. Especially some meat like that, that you got to tear with your mouth. So you're never going back. Well, you know, I got a wife and so I got to like, I can't just do it like that all the time. But if we do like beef with a bone, like a T-bone or something, even at home, by the time I get done with that, I pick it up. I'm gnawing on the bone.

the bone do you eat fast yeah i do i mean it's like i mean you look and you're like man i just ate a 16 ounce strip steak in two and a half minutes and i wonder why i have stomach problems yes yes and then i actually me and my wife both eat really fast and we've ate with other couples before and like the food comes and then we look up and they're like getting started

I've been at restaurants. I eat so fast. I've been with restaurants before that I win the speed eating contest that I didn't even know I was in. Like three buddies at the table will be like, let's see if we can finish for him. Not tell me it's a competition and I still win. It's a really bad habit. Well, you spent some time in the joint, so...

I did. I did. You had to fight. Yeah. For what was ours. But yeah. Sorry, go ahead. I grew up with, I had older stepbrothers, you know, and like, it felt like everybody would always eat before me and then like be mad at me that I'm still eating. Yeah. Like they're like, well, we're just waiting on Dusty. So I'm like, now I just eat like a maniac. Especially with little kids. You're just like, let's eat because you got two minutes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

yeah i guess it's horrible for according to uh some doctor of mine that it's uh a cause of acid reflux yeah part of the reason just like yeah just fasting your food just not digesting you're supposed to chew your food like till it becomes liquid yeah yeah yeah when i was at west point i spent my first year of college at west point and all the meals you had to um

You could take a bite like this with your fork. You couldn't chew until you set the fork back down. Then you had to have your hands on your lap, and then you had to chew until there was no more food in your mouth.

to dissolve it all. Why? It was like no less than 11 chews or something like that. Just to teach discipline or was this a healthy thing? I would bet it was because it was done to them and it started probably back in the 1800s or something. But yeah, I think now that I think of it, it's probably a very healthy way to eat. Probably back then it was a digestive thing. Yeah. Wow. But yeah. Did that take you a while to break that when you were out? No, I got right back to it. Yeah.

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Nice. I got to do that, man. Yeah. I think I'm going to do it. You should do it. I think I got a subscription to Highlights Magazine. On AutoPay. You should do it.

How was that ad read? I like to start- Bang up job, man. I tried to get angry with it. You were locked in it. You hit another gear there. Yeah. It wasn't anger, though. It was passion. Passion. You didn't want to bail halfway through on that one, did you? No, I didn't. No, I felt like this could be longer. Yes. That's what I thought. I thought it was longer.

I thought you could make more of a meal out of it, to be honest. Are there more details? Yes. I like how you did several church lookups. You found this and you were like, I'm going to engage. I want people to call Rocket Money to cancel that ad rate. That's what I want. Business is so good. You're all out. That was really, really strong. Thank you, guys. Ashley Person. I don't like that last name. Keep it vague.

Could be a man, could be a woman. We know it's a person. I've been grinding on the vegetables aren't real all day after listening to Dusty speak the truth. I'm converted, but my only hold back is asparagus. Please help explain it to me. So Dusty says vegetables aren't real.

What does that mean? Well, like they're – In what context? They're like – they all fit into a different category. Like peppers are fruit. Tomatoes are fruit. Spinach is leaves. Broccoli is flowers. What's carrot? Carrots are roots. Ginger's roots. Potatoes are roots. Yeah. And so asparagus has got her hung up.

I think it fits into the broccoli category. It's a flower. I mean, I asked this last week, but I guess I really don't understand. It's just a subject. Like mammals. What about people? Well, they're humans. They're not real either. Yeah. What about chimpanzees? Well, they're apes. But they're all mammals. I never felt like humans were mammals. I felt like we're our own thing. Yeah, I agree. We don't fit into the animal categories. I always felt like

that if you run the numbers yeah that's yeah completely all right let's take humans out though but like okay it is interesting because fruit you can't put fruit is only fruit yeah it's kind of your point yeah it's like a seed bearing thing you know so the peppers have seeds in it like a tomato does like an apple like a peach

I saw a video on TikTok about this. I didn't think I was, I thought you were going to back yourself into a corner, but you pulled that. I was like, how is he going to explain broccoli? And the flower thing is pretty good. Cauliflower. It's right there in the name. Yeah, it is. So avocado is a fruit, right? Avocado is a fruit. It's a real fruit. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

It's not a dusty fruit. It's a fruit. Yeah, that's what I'm getting at. I'm thinking asparagus. I'm going to go with, you might even say a tree. I was just going to say that. Yeah, I think that's strong. I was just going to say that. I grew some asparagus for a long time, and then I cut it down, and I was like, this doesn't look like any asparagus I ever bought at the store, and I threw it away. I was like, I don't even know what this is. What is an onion? I'd say that's a root. That's a root vegetable. Yeah.

root vegetable? I'd say just a root. You ever go to the grocery store late at night and they cover up the onions and the potatoes? Oh. Yeah. Something shady is going on. If you go to the produce section in the middle of the night, they have a cover over the onions and potatoes. Like a tarp? Like a tarp, but a cloth tarp.

Yeah. Do you have any idea why? No. Maybe they spray water on some of it, but not on that. I don't know. What's something they don't want you to see going on? They say onions have a real way to soak up bad things from the environment around. So if you cut an onion to cook, people say you should never put that onion in the refrigerator. You should just either use the whole onion or throw away the rest. Yep. Because it pulls everything. Yeah, because once it opens and you put it in your fridge, it'll start pulling all these negative things.

Toxins. Toxins. You're a holistic guy. Have you ever heard of putting onions and garlic on your feet? I have heard that. Never done it before, though. Okay. I got on a kick for it.

Yeah, maybe a year. What did you think? Yeah, then you got pneumonia, right? No, I didn't. I'm not sure. A couple times I think it helped me. Yeah. I'm not sure it did. I can tell you it's a very inconvenient way to sleep. Yeah. And going to the bathroom is tricky because it hurts because you're stepping on onions and garlic. You saran wrap it to your feet. Oh, okay. Socks over it.

I want to do it. Somebody told me you can chop up onions and put it around the room, and it'll kind of get rid of stuff. And so when I stayed in the condo in Jacksonville, the Jacksonville condo zone, I chopped up a bunch of onions. Yeah.

What happened? I don't know. It just smelled better than it did. Yeah. Onion is no match for a comedy condo. You're going to have to have an onion farm to get rid of what goes on in there. Are you kidding me?

When I was in St. Louis, I stayed at the condo there at the Funny Bowl. Very nice. They have a full kitchen. And Dusty said, you know, you got a condo with a kitchen. You got to go buy some groceries. So you got to eat out every meal. So I went straight to the grocery store. And it was something with an S. We don't have them here. Schnucks. Schnucks. And they had these carts. The lady in front of me was pushing her cart out. The wheels locked up on her. Like, it somehow senses if you're stealing stuff. Oh, yeah. Wow. Sean, is this happening to you?

Yeah, I mean, that's so weird. I thought it was just a fluke. So that's how they catch you. All right. He's got a guy who will break that. I think it's just, I don't think it's about if you have a product in there. I think it's just almost like a dog collar. When it goes to a certain place outside the store, outside the premises, it stops. So maybe that malfunctioned.

maybe an employee had to come over and it's not like they accused the woman of stealing, but they just reset something. She just kept going. I wish that happened to me in the store. I'd make a scene. I'm not going down for this. I didn't do nothing. I want a lawyer. I want my lawyer. You're like, I'm stocking. If anything, I'm putting this back. Yeah. Are you guys pretty honorable at the self checkout?

You know, five apples, you're hitting five. What are you, what are you, what are you making sure? I'm just making sure that I'm not. The fact that you're asking that. No, dude, I am not. I am not. I'm not. You know. If anything, no, I'm, I'm actually the roundup guy, man. One for them, one for me. Yeah, what are you talking about? The fact that you asked that question makes me very suspicious.

round i've just heard people i've just heard people you've already got friends i've got friends yeah they're like if it they're just angry people they're like you know i mean there's podcast out there where people would have said yes they would have said no we're not reasonable yeah there's one guy i know i would he i don't want to name but he basically he'll he'll get six apples and hit four and he's very proud i love that he's just something like oranges wasn't something of that and so i guess you know you're you're beating the system there not here but not here honor system yeah i get integrity yeah

Uh, Nick Greenfield, another good last name. I live in Southern Illinois, about 10 minutes across the river from St. Louis. I always tell people from not around here that I live in St. Louis because no one has ever heard of Milstadt, Illinois. Milstadt. We have. Milstadt. Yeah. Where I live, it's still considered St. Louis metro area, even though it is in Illinois. Last week, I talked about doing a show in Dayton, Kentucky at the couple of sanctuary. Yeah. Yeah. Which is basically Cincinnati. And Dusty was raising the question. We'll,

I don't know. Like you say, just across the state line, right? It's like, I live in hermitage, but I, you know, I still say Nashville cause I'm still in Davidson County. Right. But it's like, you're in a whole other state. We do. We have that in St. Louis, what he's talking about, where we're from. I mean, I want to take a slight detour and tell you here that, uh, if you want to have fun on a weekend in the fall, I do. Milston, Illinois is the most fun you could have, especially if you got kids, they have like one of those, uh,

They have apple orchards out there. You've got their apple picking, but they have animals. They have games. I took my niece out there. It's the greatest time. They have a corn maze. It's Milstead, Illinois. You'd say this last name's fitting for where he lives. Greenfield. Yeah, there's quite a few of those around there. A lot of corn sweat going on.

Corn Sweat. You heard of Corn Sweat? Oh, yeah. Did we talk about Corn Sweat? Three people that week had told me about Corn Sweat. Yeah. I talked about Corn Sweat with you. We talked about it on your radio show. My feature act, Will O'Donnell, told me all about Corn Sweat. And then somebody else told me about it. I've worked with Will many times. He's never mentioned Corn Sweat. I think it had just come out in the news that week about being a thing. I think that's what everybody was talking about. I guess...

Corn releases a lot of moisture in the air, and therefore the humidity in St. Louis is worse. Not St. Louis, but the whole Midwest area. Because a lot of humidity comes from corn. Corn is putting out that moisture. I think that's pesticides. You would know. That's what corn is.

They told you this. Yeah. Yeah. I think on the, on the, where are you from? I think the further you are from that place, the more reasonable it is to attach yourself to that bigger city. Right. So if you're on a coast, I think it's totally fine for that guy to say St. Louis. That's what I said last week. Not that far. Then you're, you're, you know, people are gonna be like, well, it doesn't count as St. Louis in the same way that if you're overseas, you might just be like, I'm from Missouri or the United States. You go abroad. That's my, that's my policy. Okay. Yeah.

If I lived in Millstott, I would say Millstott every time. Greatest weekend of your life in October. But I bet in St. Louis, you tell people what part of St. Louis you live in. Yeah. Kirkwood. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. When you're... Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever feel the need to... I'm sure this is just me, but if I...

like I remember going to a football game in Knoxville university, Tennessee. Yeah. And I saw someone there that I did not know, but they had my hometown of Lebanon, like a sweatshirt on or something. And I wanted to go up and say something to them just because, you know what, then, uh,

I was in California and someone had a university Tennessee shirt on. Same thing. That could have been anywhere, but I just want to say, Hey, whatever. I was in Japan and I just saw a white person and I just assumed they were American. And I wouldn't go and say, Hey, my point is the further you go, just the more generally you want to say something to someone to see if we have a connection. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you with me, Tim, on this? I'm 100% with you. If you're ever on Jupiter one time, you'll see another Earthling. An Earthling? A life, just a life form. You and me, buddy. At that point. It could even be an animal you're familiar with at that point. Yeah. Yeah. A narwhal. Yeah.

I would do that. When I lived outside of home, if I'd see a Cardinals hat somewhere, I'd get excited. And then when I moved back to St. Louis, I was still like doing the thing. I'd be like, hey! And they'd be like, just everybody. What? Cardinals! I remember in New York City, I went to a sports bar to watch the Titans play.

And everybody in there, you know, had Titans. And one guy even had a Nashville sounds, the minor league baseball team. And I went up to him like, Hey, he could care less. They don't care. Well, you got to go to the one cool thing about living in New York city is there's several cool things, but the only cool thing, Tim and I both lived in New York city at different times, but there was a St. Louis Cardinal bar and we would go to the playoffs or go to Cardinal games there. And you do feel like you're in St. Louis. Everybody there is like,

very friendly and you know you're high-fiving each other and hugging each other and it's yeah foley's they're serving toasted rabbit they're serving st louis food yeah that and and those little pockets in new york for all the different yeah yeah there's a stealer bar chicago little st louis as they call it yeah they do yeah yeah chicago to some degree kind of has that they have all the big colleges have their own bars it's pretty cool tyler a bunch of numbers that's that's made up

Love Greg, but... That's made up too. Love Greg, but what would... You know how many times I've heard that in my life? Love Greg, but... It's usually followed by this. Are we back in high school? I love you, Greg, as a brother. All right. We're not going to the prom.

Well, Greg, but what would rocket him to global hero status is getting his old Jif buddies to sell Jif in tubs. Like butter tubs. Too often I pass up making PB&Js because I don't want it all over the knife kitchen and meat. I don't know what the tub solves. The tub doesn't solve the knife problem. You know what they do have, which is great for when you have a small child. They have little packets, little tubes where you just...

squeeze it out yeah like gogurt or something or just work it out care for that just work it out i'm giving jeff a compliment you know bunch of numbers i don't like i like a traditional jar when they pull that seal you still use the glass too don't you uh he's like i just uh i can't do it his kids are like can you make me a pb and jay's like i don't want pb i don't want it all over the knife in the kitchen and guess i'll make lasagna uh

Now, he's probably eating with his hands. A guy like that. That guy is definitely not using a fork. If he's angry about a knife. The knife for cutting his wrist. I'll say this on this podcast. And I want to make a commitment. If you've got some...

Good GIF ideas. Like good idea. I don't, no offense to a bunch of numbers, but if you've got some good GIF ideas, I'll take it back. I'll take it to Brazzi. Brazzi's number two guy at Smokers, which owns GIF. I'll take it to Brazzi. And you know him.

We went to college together. He got me the job at Procter & Gamble. He helped me get the job at Procter & Gamble. The guy that you got in with at the beginning is now essentially running the company? Well, he was at Procter & Gamble. And then he went over when Smucker's recruited him. Got it. And he basically runs the whole thing. We're talking peanut butter royalty. Yeah, yeah. The guy he reports to, he's the...

He's the top guy in the company that doesn't have the last name Smuckers. Okay? And Brazzy, Brazzy's going to be there in Columbus when I record my special. He's committed to it. He loves avant-garde. Him and Mr. Peanut are coming. I just like how Greg said that name as if that was LeBron James. I'll call Brazzy, guys. You know, everyone knows Brazzy. In the CPG world, he is LeBron James. Sean? Sean?

Except for he didn't just come out of high school and do this. He had to do it through sweat, hard work, shitting with his knuckles. No, Brazzi, I'm a fan of Brazzi. Brazzi, first name or last name? Last name, John Brazzi. He's kind of like a Madonna or a Cher. Yeah, he is. That's what I thought he was doing. Yeah, Brazzi's got sort of to the Cher, Madonna level. One name, Bono. Sean, you ever made a PB&J in bed? Boy, that's a great...

I will eat it. I will eat the peanut butter in bed with a butter knife and use the butter knife as the fork. And that is rough. You know, I mean, if there were, if I could watch myself doing that. And then you just, you toss it just a nightstand. Don't panic. I got, I got the little, a little paper plate. That's for all my, you know, for the other stuff I'm eating. And then, so I'll have wrappers and whatever, and I'll use the fork or I'm sorry, the butter knife and I'll place it on the wrappers and then take care of business in the morning. Got a system. Sick, sick world. Sick man. Yeah.

Anybody watch any NFL football yesterday? A little bit, yeah. A little bit? A little, yeah. Did you watch yesterday? Yeah. Yeah, it wasn't good, buddy. I was riding in the car with a Saints fan while they were having the trials and tribulations of that game. Who'd they play? They played the Falcons. The Falcons won. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, let me tell you about DraftKings. You're on DraftKings, Greg. You're going to want to watch every game. I didn't just bring up football so smoothly. We could have helped you out there. I didn't know where he was going. That sucked me right in. You can bet on who's going to score the first touchdown. And in the Buffalo game, Derrick Henry scored on the first play from scrimmage for the Ravens last night. 87-yard touchdown. You'd have won money right there on DraftKings. It doesn't matter how they score, just that they score.

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No one cares. Okay. I'm just taking it in. You guys are from St. Louis, so you don't know NFL football. We have a little bit of a cheap shot. What a jerk. No, you guys beat us in the Super Bowl, so still a little upset about it. A lot of good it did us. Yeah. Ready to do a touchdown dance of your own? New DraftKings customers bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly.

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How was that? I mean, it's no Dusty, but it was good. DraftKings delivers and so does Bates. All right. Thank you. That's a sure bet. Brian Bates.

Bet on Bates. Come on, man. This isn't the Christie show. Someday I'll get on the Christie show. You can't get on the Christie show. Nah, nobody can. Drew Robinson. I played football at Opelika High School, then Troy University. All right, go Dawgs. That's where Besty's from. Oh, to Opelika? Yeah.

I wanted to use my football knowledge, so I volunteered to help coach the middle school. I also worked at Jim Bob's Chicken Fingers. That's what I'm talking about. As the kitchen manager. After a few practices, the head coach said I smelled like what a chicken looks like, so he felt like I didn't have enough time to coach because I was coming from practice to work.

or from work to practice, I think I was supposed to say. I got fired from volunteering due to Jim Bob's smell. Wow. Is that, is just, is chicken fingers just a big thing in Alabama? We, in, in, in Opelika, Auburn area, we have a lot of chicken finger restaurants. A ton, right? We have a lot. I mean, there's like, there's Guthrie's, Tender Chick, Jim Bob's, there was, you know, there's Chick-fil-A, there's, uh, uh,

Niffers. There's Breezeway. What's the big chain? Raising Canes? Raising Canes. Oh, we have a Canes there, I think. Did Guthrie's come before Canes? Yeah. Okay. Well, I don't know where Canes was at in other places, but Guthrie's is a real mainstay of the area. I mean, Canes would have just come in in the last couple of years.

To our area. Okay. Okay. Now, maybe, I don't know where Canes is from. Where is it? It's from Louisiana. It might be. I just remember the first time I worked Birmingham a long time ago, they were telling me about all the-

Yeah, I think it's from New Orleans. There was no Raising Cane's down in Oplak-Auburn area. Now, there may be now. Now, Dusty, you're just talking chicken fingers exclusively? You're talking everything in the chicken world. Chicken wings. These are all chicken finger restaurants. But, you know, they got some other options. They'll mix it up a little bit. Yeah, they got some other. But they're pushing the chicken fingers. That's what you're coming in for is the chicken fingers. I would think that's a pleasant smell.

Yeah. I love it. But this is... But maybe he was hustling too hard. I know Drew. I think I... Yeah, I know Drew. And...

Oh, you do know him? Yeah. And we didn't go to school together. We've met, you know, later. Yeah. But he, yeah, I mean, that's a shame. You know, I never was trying to coach football. So when I worked at Jim Bob's, the smell never affected my personal life. You know, that guy got fired from volunteering. He just needed to cut an onion, man. That would have probably sucked it all up. Or bring some Jim Bob's to football practice. Yeah. Yeah.

That's probably. That's probably. Because if somebody smells like a food that you don't like, if you give them some of that and they eat it, now they don't even smell it anymore. Yeah. Right. That was the move. You're right. Drew, you messed up. Let's do one more, then we'll get into the topic. Gabe what? I'm a third shift Columbus police officer, and I'd be thrilled to offer Greg or any of the Nate Land crew to come do a ride along with me while they're in town.

We'll work 11 p.m. to 7 a.m., but you don't have to do the entire shift. You don't want to. Here he comes now. Yeah, it's Gabe. Just coming to roll call. And a few calls would be a great experience for any of you. What do you think, Greg?

Man, I would really like to do that. That is a tricky weekend because of the special. A lot going on. A lot of these, I had a similar offer. And I'm like, I appreciate it, but I'm not into riding around in the police car. You've done it plenty in your life. Well, I've done it enough to know that I don't really want to be doing it. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't mind going to the roll call thing, but it just may be, I really appreciate the offer. It just may be a tricky weekend. Yeah.

Now I'm in. I'm in. I'll skip the special. And I count me in for everything. I mean, heck, people already think I steal from grocery stores, so I need to get a little juicy. That's a really weird question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that you say that. People think, and then you go, hey, guys, you be stealing from them. I swear I saw an article that people of this country steal from grocery stores. I'd like to at least read the next comment, at least the first part of the next comment. All right, go ahead. It says, this is from Cameron and Mandy Scott.

My wife and I had a chance to see Dusty in Indy. Haven't laughed that hard in ages. It was a hot show. We can do the rest of it, but that's really what I wanted to read. That's what you're trying to get out. Yeah. He had a joke in reference to shopping cart, but called it a buggy. Just curious, is that a Southern thing? Yeah, it is. That's a great one. Yeah.

I like to, yeah, I call it a buggy. I don't know. St. Louis is on the, on the line. If you guys are like really Southern, right? We were both sides on the war. Yeah. So, you know, you, you, yeah. So you're, um, there's no buggy. You don't call it buggy though. But I heard it before. I think first person I heard call it a buggy was comedian Rodney Carrington. Oh yeah. That makes sense. Well, why would you want to call it a shopping cart when you could just call it a buggy? I love it. Buggy's better. Buggy's great. Yeah. Yeah.

Why did you not want to read that comment that said all those nice things about Dusty? I just didn't feel like we had time. Okay. I'm glad we fit it in. Dusty gets enough good press as it is. Yeah, well. All right. So today, guys. We all live comment to comment out here. We do. Really? Yeah. I think we all do, right? Yeah. Yeah.

You're only as good as your last comment. Yeah. They'll cut you hard. I can't wait to see these. I'm all ready. Yeah. Today, they're going to say, get rid of Tim Conby from the podcast. And they're going to say, he's not on the podcast. They'll be like, hire him and then get him off the podcast. Yeah. That's right.

You guys take a topic each, a brand or business each week, right? The first one was Dunkin'. Yeah. So we thought we would, you know, follow in the footsteps. And today we're talking about Whole Foods. Love it. Now, Whole Foods is very interesting to me because... We are talking about the grocery store, not just Whole Foods in general. Whatever you want to talk about. It's about the brand, Whole Foods Markets. Okay. Whole Foods is a very interesting store to me because you've got all your...

workout freak health uppity type people yeah and then you got the dusties of the world that you know survivalists that uh just want to you know uh get some off the grid kind of uh food well i'm not entirely convinced that whole foods is uh serving us up the best of the best but i do feel like in the grocery store world that's your best option

This is one of my favorite quotes. It was from the Texas Monthly, which Whole Foods started down in Austin. I read it every week. It says, an honorable truce between two old enemies, health food stores and supermarkets. That's what Whole Foods was. Wow. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. Back in the day, man, it was like, they didn't, you know, it was like, oh, well, that's poison that they have there. We, you know, and then they were in like their little tiny places with the seeds and the oils and weirdos and the.

yeah john mackie i like that you said texas monthly you said i read it weekly thank you like it just takes a while you're gonna get a lot of that on the podcast i say something funny and greg just keeps on going yeah and on that one man i missed it and it was very funny but i gotta tell you usually it's just not worth stopping for how would you know you miss them all yeah

Well, yeah. Read the comments afterwards. You're going to see. You lull me to sleep with all the dumb ones. Oh, is that what it is? So then when you say something good, I just don't get it. Yeah. You know? That's on me completely, then. Yeah. Man, you're really taking on the Nate role really quick. Oh, yeah. It's like Nate talking to me right now. Yeah. I mean, there's a little back and forth on this podcast. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. A little, there is, there is a little bit. So it's not exactly the same. Yeah. Not exactly. There's a little back and forth on the podcast and a lot of back and forth right after the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. It got a little weird after the third episode, after Greg chokeslam me, uh,

But other than that, he's talking about like violence. I've never was a bill mafia. He probably liked it. Yeah. You caught it there. Yeah. I mean, going through tables, I'll do it. If we went Superbowl. No, Greg gets a little, I can just get under his skin a little more than the average person. I'm not proud of it, but I do. I also don't want to get him upset. I mean, this guy was an all American wrestler and he could, I would never do.

Yes, but I could get it out of you. Also, you know, 56. If he decided that he wanted you to assault him, he could crack the code. You think he could make me hit him? I absolutely think so. Or, no, just a single leg takedown. I don't think you would strike him. I think you'd wrestle. Yeah. I'd say we'd do it right here. I don't think this is the spot.

This table looks like it's very durable. If you go through this, that hurts. But you know how in wrestling with the announcers and they'll slam them through and you're like, that table must have barely been set up. Yeah, it's a press board. I mean, this table looks like... This table is... This is gonna hurt. We've got a nice set. We're proud of our set. We got a lot of product.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we got about 84 jars of Jif and 100 cans of Pringles, and we got some ketchup and mustard and Coke and Diet Coke. You got to eat before you do the podcast because you're just staring at food. Oh, yeah. We got a lot of that. People were pretty irritated. The last one you were here, and we had Pringles, and we were all eating them during the podcast. There were several people pretty irritated. They were mad about that? About the chip crunching going on. Okay. Yeah, I can see that. Well-

I'm trying to think if we've done, well, we did eat some Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah, we eat. We definitely eat. The donuts are not going to be as bad as the. True. Yeah. We're going to do a Pringles episode. But I love the store Whole Foods. I'm a big fan of it. Yeah. I love that store. It feels good. Didn't I just say like five minutes ago? No, I'm saying I just, you know, you can't trust anything now.

But he's saying if you had to pick one, that's the best out of all. It's just, it feels good in there. I used to feel like when I first started going to Whole Foods, I felt like everybody was judging me in there. But I'm over that. I'm over that now. It's not that. I just used to think that. But now I'm like, I go and I get a, I go buy a bunch of healthy stuff. And then before I leave, I get a couple of slices of pizza. And then I'm out of there. Yeah, the to-go stuff. The Whole Foods pizza. I use it as a restaurant on the road. Yeah. I use it as a restaurant. Yeah. Yeah.

You mind if I talk a little bit about the history? We do that sometimes on the podcast. I do mind, actually. Me and you together, maybe? I guess. Sure. Sure.

No, go ahead. I'd love to know a little bit about it. It's kind of my thing, but whatever. No, go ahead, man. No, no, no. I don't want to step on you. No, let's hear about it. I'm going to chime in. This is a special episode where we've come together. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I used to love crossover episodes as a kid. Bionic Woman and 60 Million Dollar Man. Yeah. When they got together. Fantasy Island. I was way back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was way back. Yeah. What are you talking about? Bionic Woman. That's why I was looking at Greg. Yeah.

That's the reason he has me on this podcast. I'm going to take a turn for a minute. He's not the old guy when I'm talking.

Well, I mean, Fantasy Island and Love Boat, again. Did they do crossovers? Nick at Night? Lonnie Anderson was on that, I believe. No kidding. It was reruns on Nick at Night when I was a kid, and it was old. Like, even the Nick at Night reruns are old now. We don't need to look at the news. You're right. Let's hear about the history. John Mackey is the central figure in this history. John, as a kid, ate Cocoa Puffs.

hamburger, boxed mac and cheese, dropped out of college, and he got in with some vegetarians. He started hanging out with vegetarians down in Austin, and he wasn't a vegetarian. He just liked the sort of counterculture world that vegetarians... Back then, it was probably early 70s. It wasn't as prevalent as it is today. They were punk rock back then. They were. They were. Exactly. And yeah, it was cool and hip. And then he started...

being a vegetarian and he thought this was the way to go and he asked his girlfriend if she would start a health food restaurant with her and they opened it together. It was called Safer Way. Now, Safer Way is like a spoof on Safeway. Okay. It's basically, you know, making fun of- They're sticking it to Safeway. They're sticking it to the Safeway, which was the big chains. Which is Albertsons now, I believe, right? Yeah.

I don't know if Safeway and Albertson. I think there's still some Safeways out there. No, Safeways are still there. Oh, okay. I thought they became Albertsons. I don't think Albertsons and Safeway are the same. Okay. Albertsons and, I can't remember who they bought. So they opened this Saferway and they lived in this apartment and they were keeping too much of their health food stuff in the apartment and their landlord was like, you guys can't be doing this. And he kicked them out of their apartment. So they moved into the grocery store.

Him and his girlfriend moved into the grocery store. And the grocery store... I like this girlfriend. She seems to be down with whatever. She's great. Yeah, Renee Lawson Hardy. Unfortunately, she didn't make it through the whole thing, but I think she got paid. Okay. Are there showers in a bathroom at a grocery store? Here's the thing, man. There were no showers. There were no showers in their health food store. So they used the dishwasher...

to bathe. You know it, man. I mean, look, they had some cascade, put it on hot, and there you go. Yeah, that's how they took baths. Now listen. Jack Black. Yes, this is 1970s Austin, Texas hippies

They probably weren't showering that much anyway. Okay. All right. Yeah. It probably wasn't a thing. So they got into it and they, they eventually merged with the Clarksville natural grocery and they, they did the first whole food store and they had to make some concessions because he was a vegetarian and they were like, Hey, if we go make this big new whole food store, we're going to have to have meat. The other guy said that. And he was like,

All right, I'll do it. And man, that thing took off. In Austin, Texas, that first one. Back in the day, hippies drove a lot of the, what are the, Volkswagen Bugs? Oh, yeah, the Beetles. The Beetles, yeah. And they said that people thought that it was a VW Beetle dealership because there were so many of them in the parking lot. Oh, yeah. Because that's what all the hippies...

And they had a flood early on, 1981. They had a flood and it wiped out the whole store. Everything. Everything went down and they were like, he's like, Mackey was like, I don't have the kind of money. It's $400,000 to reopen this. And the community loved Whole Foods so much that they all showed up for like,

three months and rebuilt the store. Wow. And that's, and that's 28 days, 28 days. Yeah. 28 days. You love it a lot. If whole foods went down to a flood now, would you get over there and be, well now Jeff Bezos owns it. What would you do? You could do what business would you go work for free? Zany's we all probably would. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Well, I would,

I would show up and I'd be there the whole time, but I probably wouldn't do a lot. Like encouraging, like keep it up. Make it look like I got, uh, I got this stuff over here. You guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I must've really loved it because yeah, they did. They did. And you know, they built it on the, they said, this is a company that's dedicated to, um,

organic foods that are free from artificial preservatives, flavors, colors, and hydrogenated oils. That was sort of their big thing. I've heard some pretty cool quotes. I told you one of them. They said, visit by visit, you get a master's degree in food. Wow. I thought that was kind of a cool one. This was from Mackie, which I think is a little much. It's going to look cocky. Retailers with a mission were missionaries who retailed.

Okay. Taking yourself a little too seriously. Take it easy. Pull it back a little. Yeah. Yeah. Especially like, what if you're a real missionary and you say, yeah, buddy, uh,

I'm in Uganda. I'm in a hut in Timbuktu. Yeah, yeah. And I just ate potatoes for seven days straight, and you're not a missionary. Yeah, it's like you can just say, hey, we just have a grocery store, and we're trying to provide better food for people. You don't have to go to be in the Messiah. I agree. Yes. People are saving souls. Yeah, you're like- You're trying to cut back on- You're just like, yeah, I just want you to eat some food without poison in it.

They built into the business they are today, which I think is like 500 stores, primarily by acquisition. They just bought up a lot of health food store chains. One that they got was this place called Wild Oats. And I do remember some Wild Oats stores. This was sort of early 2000s.

And, uh, the FTC stopped in and said, you can't do this partially because Mackie, who is a pretty cool guy, but he does like everybody else. You know, you have both sides. He was on message boards on Yahoo finance, basically with like a fake name saying stuff like, uh,

The end is underway for wild oats. Oh, man. He was basically... He was the original troll, right? Yeah. But he was trying to take them. Trolls just do it to make people mad. Classic missionary moves. Yeah.

Sounds like something Mother Teresa would be doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mother Teresa. Just trolling. Yeah, just saying. These lepers are not for real. But he does do some cool stuff. I thought one of the most interesting things he's done at Whole Foods when he owned it was he had open salaries.

what's that mean everybody everybody knows if you want to know what everybody's making oh you can just ask you look it up look it up you can ask don't mean they'll tell you no they tell you okay it's published whole foods tells you yeah whole food he will they'll tell you like he and and he said basically once everybody be like hey how come tim's making 19 an hour and i'm making 17 an hour and he'd be like because tim's better at at this than you and if you want to get as good as tim here's what you need to do that was his thing

Wow. It's also because the stores you go to, you can look it up too. So I look up before I go in there and then I'm like, hey man, you're making about 18 an hour. Could you help me find some, like I'll identify the guy in there. Just motivate them a little bit too. But they are like usually really helpful there. The attitude feels good in a whole fit. Yeah.

Like you're all doing something positive and it's a, you get a little bit of that, a little bit of that hippie vibe is still in there when you do that. Yeah. Another cool thing they used to do sort of before Amazon, but one of the cool things that they did over a long time, they would find like a local little brand. Um, there's one called Nada Moo. Tim, you're a vegetarian. So yeah, it's like a vegan, vegan ice cream. They found, they would just find it. It's good. In like a little local place. And he'd go, Hey,

I'm going to put you in Whole Foods. We're going to make you a superstar. It was almost like the music business. He made that company. Now, since Amazon bought them, less of that goes on. Some good stuff goes on with Amazon, but there's some bad stuff. There was a cheese company, I think it was called Atlanta Fresh down in Georgia. Back when John owned it, he was like, hey, listen, man, we want you guys to be big. You're going to be the cheese. And

build this new facility. So they built this, you know, multimillion dollar facility and they, they were supplying whole foods. And then Amazon at some point was like,

you're out which now that they went belly up so but yeah they would make like superstars out of uh little little little business and you always see those in whole foods you see like there's the little shelf with something you've never heard of that's that's great and it's one of those that they just picked i remember one time i had really bad acid reflux probably because i was eating too fast too fast and dusty and i were doing a show at stand up live in huntsville and

and the whole way down i was like man my acid reflux is killing me and dusty took me to whole foods and got some stuff that he uses some digestive enzymes digestive enzymes papaya digestive enzymes just chewables yeah dude i i live my life on digestive enzymes you just talk about probiotics is that what you're saying this is totally different you you take enzymes dr olivia has given you some of them i don't know there's like there's so many that whole world how was it um

I mean, I don't remember it. I still have acid reflux, but it's been a while. Yeah. It's not, it's not going to cure it, but if you got, it's like taking Tums, but it's not. And when, when his son was born, uh, we took, uh, food over to their house and we went to Whole Foods cause we knew that they like healthy food and, um, it was delicious. Right. So good. Yeah. And we really appreciate that. That's cool. Yeah.

Sorry. Go ahead. No, buddy. Am I doing all right on this? Yeah, you're doing great. Also, now with food delivery, if I'm at a hotel for a couple of days, now what I do, I know what hotel I'm going to. I'll just get on my phone. I'll order a few groceries from Whole Foods. And then by the time I get to my hotel, it's already there. Take it up to the room. That's genius. On the road you do this? Yeah. I got to start doing this. And then it's like...

If I don't eat it, I just take it home with me, and then we end up eating it. But I spend way less money on the road because I'm not eating at a restaurant every meal. Yeah. I got to do this, man. I got to do this. We do a little thing. We usually kick it over to Tim for fun facts. All right. You guys want some? It's very exciting. Let's hear it. 51%- They're not always fun.

We'll find out. We shall find out. I'm looking forward to some fun. They're not even always facts. Yeah, they're neither. Buckle up. Here we go. 51% of certified cheese professionals worldwide come from Whole Foods. Only 1,000 people have ever passed the American Cheese Society certification exam.

Pretty fun so far, right? What does that mean, though? Well, I'm glad you asked, Dusty. It's like the bar exam for cheese pros. Oh, okay. Okay? It's just as hard. The exam is given once a year in Richmond, Texas. In order to take the cheese exam, you have to have 4,000 hours of paid or unpaid work in the cheese business. 4,000? Wow. You have to come in with 4,000 hours. They won't even let you take the test. And over half of the people who take the test are just employed by Whole Foods. Wow. In the world? In the whole world.

4,000 hours in the cheese game, paid or unpaid, that's up to you. You don't know what constitutes cheese experience, right? Domino's maybe? I have no idea. You're slinging cheese, aren't you? If you're making pizza, does that count as cheese? I think you have to be at a cheese store or something. Yeah, because cheese at a pizza place is not good cheese. It may taste good, but it's not good. It's like a New York pizzeria probably.

In Italy, I bet it's pretty good. Maybe. In Italy, yeah. I bet it's the best cheese you can get. I mean, can you imagine...

4,000 hours and then you flunked the cheese exam. That's got to be like the LSAT or something like that. Well, I was just thinking like if you worked 40 hours a week, that's roughly 160 hours a month to get to 4,000. It's a good part of your life just to be able to sit and take that exam. And then, you know, probably not a lot of people pass it. No. Sean? No, no, man. Didn't you flunk the real estate exam like two times? Two years. Two years.

That's what it comes out to? I had 100 weeks. We were at 40 hours a week. Yeah, 52. 4,000 is two years. That's a long time to do cheese. But I want my cheese to be good. I respect it. Yeah. I want good cheese. Yeah. You don't want some clown. There's only 1,000. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want people out here who's just like, oh, no, I make cheese. I really like it. But how much time have you put in? Yeah, are you certified? That's what I want to know. Yeah. So let me ask you some of the questions on that test.

Yeah, I don't know. We'll have to take a look. When Aaron comes back next week, the laptop will look. Okay. So that means 510. Did I do the math right there? Yeah, exactly. 1,000 people have ever passed the exam. Yeah, and 51, 510. I would think the people that make cottage cheese have never passed the test. Yeah, it's not very good. I enjoy it, though. That's another food in bed. That's a lot of fun, man. Cottage cheese? Just a big old spoon in your bucket. I can't even look at it.

I can't either. I was waiting tables one time and a guy asked me, it's the first I'd ever heard this. He goes, do you have like cottage cheese that I could just have on the side? And I was like, what? My buddy though, he used to,

We would go drink, and then I think he would go home and eat cottage cheese. I'm with him. Yeah, I enjoy it. That's not drinking. It's so gross. Is it? I don't know. My buddy Derek, he said he would go home and eat cottage cheese. Yeah, the key has been you have to have a whole milk one. I noticed that. If you eat a fat-free cottage cheese, that's a rough day. Yeah. That's a rough day. But whole milk cottage cheese was good. We had it as a kid growing up. My dad let me put pepper on it, and I thought that was –

very unorthodox, but I don't know. Maybe that's what people do. So whole foods is a great place to work. Fortune's best 100 companies to work for 17 years straight. That's as long as they've been doing it. People love working there. Whole foods employees get a 20% discount at the store. That is significant, but it can go up to 30% your discount depending on your cholesterol level. So they encourage you to be healthy. If you're that much healthier than they'll, they'll cut you a deal. Wow. What if you have like a genetically modified,

you know, like my little brother, he's got high cholesterol, but he's had his whole life. It's not his fault, man. 20%. Yeah, man. Rules are rules. Yeah. Rules are rules. They're like, Hey, if you want to get the discount, get it down. Yes, exactly. He can't though. I mean, I don't think he can. I don't think there's any lifestyle that he can. There's gotta be some arbitration or something to be able to get my brother this extra 10% off. He can get into the cheese game, make the money that way. Okay. Uh, have you guys ever been to the Austin flagship store?

You know, I went to a whole foods in Austin, but I don't know if it was the one. Yeah. You would, you would know it is enormous. It is. Have you ever been to a, like a huge Bass Pro shop?

Yeah. I was just in Austin. I wish I knew that was there. There's a Bass Pro Shop inside the Whole Foods. That's how big it is. No, it is. It's enormous. You can ice skate on the roof. There are all kinds of different restaurants and stuff even within. I was just in Austin. Yeah. It's real, real cool. Live music and like different parts of it. It's pretty cool. And then they have some things that are unique to different locations. Whole Foods in Westport, Connecticut, they give two team members a

every month, they're the king and queen of customer service. If they do a really good job, they make them king and queen of customer service. And their reward is that each of them gets two minutes to sprint around the store and just take as many things as they want. They're on a timer. Yeah, supermarket, sweet style, two minutes, go for it. And a Whole Foods. I say you go right for the supplement aisle. Yes. 100%. Just take a shelf and dump it. Yeah. Right? Yes. Go for the probiotics. 5,000 right there. Yeah. Yeah.

5,000 bucks by just taking your arm and going like that in the supplement aisle. That's what I think. I bet you they don't let you do that. Yeah, they say it's food. Are you saying exclusions? I bet they let you go for it. You're the king and the queen. They would all know. Yeah. I'm going to be really nice to people this month. Like, what would you do with them all though?

Put them on eBay. Sell them. Yeah. Just resell them? Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't do that. I'd go by the rules. Sean would steal them. I'd steal them all. I mean, let's just go at this point. I'm already looking dirty. Obviously, they're all about health, but a Dallas Whole Foods store for some time sold American Spirit cigarettes. All right. I like that. Yeah. I guarantee you, at some point, Mackie was like, hey, man.

We encourage a little bit of local flair, but no, you can't be selling cigarettes. Those are the healthy cigarettes. Yeah. But they're still cigarettes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In two stores, one in Maine, one in Massachusetts, only two stores to sell live lobsters. So they sell live lobsters in the Whole Foods in individual tanks. When purchased, Whole Foods uses a shocker to kill them because they don't want them boiling in pots. So it still comes from the place of vegetarianism, but certain things that he's like selling out and making money, but they have different policies. For example, they're shocking lobsters, which is a punk band I was in for a while.

Yeah, like that. Also, we also did not make the Hall of Fame. I guarantee you. The early stuff was strong. Pretty fun facts. I think they're fun. I think so. I got one, too. This one cracked me up, man. I don't know. Maybe you will remember this, Dusty. Remember they used to put at Whole Foods, they would have asparagus water?

yeah this is real instead of that go in that is well that's a good question let's go to dust in that okay a tree they put three stalks in water bottle it bottle it sell it for like nine bucks wow i don't remember that did not move well and uh you know i'm just like well yeah maybe you know you got to eat i think you know i think the marketing was like if i just drink the water i might get all the nutrients from this but you

He had to eat the asparagus as well. Like that's part of the deal. Now, I don't know. I guess maybe it just enhances the water, obviously, but it was, this was real, you know, look it up. And I think it, uh, it bombed. This is like you were saying at the beginning, they are tricking us to a degree. They were trying to make people think, Oh, look at this healthy new fad. Like they just invented it. It didn't work at all. And then the, uh,

it went viral. It is a girl who it turns out my wife went to college with posted, um, somewhere whole foods, whole foods. Execs are laughing at us and that picture. And it went viral. It went, it went big and then they pulled it. They stopped doing it. And then that girl spun it into a career. She has a career now where she will, um,

Troll people. Make up hashtags for your wedding. You know how people have clever wedding hashtags? Yeah. People with too much money pay her to make up a hashtag for their wedding. And it all came because she called out the asparagus water. That's more of a shakedown than the asparagus water. I know. That is. That's more. Yes. She learned from the asparagus water. Completely the other way. Yes. I remember a chia seed water.

It was a glass bottle and it was chia seeds, but when you put chia seeds in water, it gets a little clear kind of membrane around it. So it's almost like little eggs in there. Really? I had a... What's the chia pet? Oh, yeah. Chia, the pottery. It's not healthy. Yeah, it isn't. All right. Well, I think we got to start wrapping up because Zanies has a show. Oh, yeah. Look out. Yeah.

I really enjoy you guys play off each other really well. This podcast. You were pointing to Tim and Sean. We do play off each other really well. Thank you. No, all three of you. And you guys are great. I'm going to start tuning in, which which

Which one of you is Nate, though? He's not here. No, he's not here today. No. He's with Christy. It is. He's on the Christy show. That's who gets on the Christy show. To promote SNL. You got to get on Saturday Night Live before you can get on the Christy show. It ain't happening. Thank you. What shows you got coming up? Coming up, I'm going to be at the Greg's Columbus thing. I'll be in...

This weekend. This weekend. I'm in Chicago. Oh, it's coming out. Oh, yeah. I'm in Chicago at Zany's with Greg. I've got Ludo shows. How Ludo wean at the pageant in St. Louis. Three nights the weekend before St. Louis. And then, yeah, Punk Rock Christmas, which I talked about, is first weekend in December at the pageant in St. Louis as well.

This Friday, I am in Knoxville, Tennessee at Allie Ray's Gastropub. I think you guys just did that. Sean and I just did it. Oh, yeah. Nice. Yeah, that was good. That was fun. Good food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why didn't you take Tim?

It was a rare occasion where Sean and I were getting along. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to wait for them to... Very peaceful. Well, this Friday, come to Allie Ray's Gastropub in Knoxville, Tennessee. Greg says it's great. Yeah, the food's awesome. And the comedy. Comedy. October 17th, I am at Arlington Drafthouse in Arlington, Virginia. Oh, that's a good one. Okay, I've never been. I've never been either. I've heard it's great, though. You ever been, Dusty? Never been. Well...

DC basically. Yeah, it is. Um, it's like Milstead, Illinois. It's basically the same thing. Uh, October 19th, Clarksville, Tennessee has a new comedy club, Joker's comedy house. I'm going to be headlining there. All right. That sounds fun. That DJ prior. Yep. All right. Yep. Yep. And, October 25th, I am in Lebanon, Pennsylvania at Lifeway church. Um, all fun shows. Looking forward to it. Awesome. Yeah. What about you? Uh,

this weekend I will be at Zany's Rosemont, uh,

That's a suburb of Chicago. Got to play a giant arena there with Nate a few months ago. I'm going to a little smaller venue. That club's great, though. It's awesome. It's a beautiful club. It's really fun. And Tim's going to be there with me. So, yeah, can't wait. And then I got a bunch of shows. But most importantly, on November 23rd, my friend Tim –

made me move my special to Columbus, Ohio. And, uh, I got to fill that place. So I hope to see some, uh, some Nate land fans. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Big weekend this Friday, Macon, Georgia, the grand opera house. I've never done comedy in Macon. That's,

that I'm aware of. I have, I think. So I'm very pumped about it. It's great. It's going to be great. And then a bit of a hometown show for me. I'll be in Charleston, South Carolina at the Gale Yard Center on Saturday, October 5th. So I've already sold a lot of tickets to that, but the Gale Yard is a lot bigger than what I normally do. So percentage-wise, doesn't look as good. But...

but if I were doing the old theater that I normally do in Charleston, we would have already sold out plus, but it's a bigger room. Moving up, man. Yeah. But very exciting. If nobody else buys tickets, it's still a very exciting show, so I'm pumped about it. Who autographed your beach nut chewing tobacco? Actually, a guy sent this to me, and that was on there when they sent it. An autograph? Is that what that is? Yeah, I don't know. I just got the hat the other day in my post office box.

So I don't know what that is. Oh, okay. I just make sure you didn't autograph your own. It's cool. Yeah. No, somebody sent it to me and I, I should have, you know, it looks like a symbol more. I think Prince. Yeah. And I should have, um, you know, they wrote a note. I should have brought and said their name, but, uh, it's a great hat.

yeah it's a thick hat yeah it's a winter hat right man cardinal red almost yes yeah it is i wore it for st louis there you go thanks i knew you guys would be here yeah what about you sean uh this weekend thursday through sunday st charles funny bone same when you played yeah and uh st charles yeah and then uh i think a few weeks after greg has taken me with him to uh michigan and detroit detroit oh

And Kansas City. Kansas City as well. Yeah, Kansas City, Detroit with Greg. He might fire me. I don't know. I get him angry a lot, so we'll see. It's the next two hours. I could be there too. I'm feeling pretty good about it. We've reached a new level in our relationship. That's great. The Consumers, every Tuesday. First one's out now. First one's out. Three best comics in St. Louis. Wow. To Will O'Donnell. Sorry, Will.

I love what Will will come on with. Will's great. I believe the next is Lego. Ooh. Yeah. Deep dive on Lego. We ate those too. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, very weird. Yeah. Fair way to eat those. Tough to eat in bed. Hurt your feet. Yeah. All right, guys. That's the show. Nate, uh...

Nate's not going to be back next week. He's got more things going on. We should probably see what he's doing this weekend, right? I thought I mentioned it, but he's hosting Saturday Night Live. Did I not mention it before? I think you did. It's a big deal. I was saying, I wonder who the band is. It's one of the biggest in the world. Aaron should be back next week. I can't wait to hear more about the baby. See some pictures. They're doing great. He says thank you to everybody for

thoughts and prayers. All right. I should be here because where else would I be? So, I don't know. Sean, Greg, Tim, loved having you. Yeah, thanks guys. Thanks so much, man. All right. We're having a good time. Nate Land is produced by Nate Land Productions and by me, Nate Bargetzi, and my wife, Laura, on the Audio Boom platform.

Recording and editing for the show is done by Genovations Media. Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch us next week on the Nate Land Podcast.