Surrender Your Expectations in Relationships w/ Kobe Campbell
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Welcome, welcome, welcome to another exciting episode of the Trap Nerds Podcast. This is not an episode. I'm pretty sure this is a promo. You know what it is. We in this piece. Trap nerds, trap nerds. Real n****s like you never heard.

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Hi, I'm Katie Lowes. And I'm Guillermo Diaz. And we're the hosts of Unpacking the Toolbox, the Scandal Rewatch podcast where we're talking about all the best moments of the show. Mesmerizing. But also, we get to hang out with all of our old Scandal friends like Bellamy Young, Scott Foley, Tony Goldwyn, Debbie Allen, Kerry Washington. Well, suit up, gladiators. Grab your big old glass of wine and prepare yourselves for an even more behind-the-scenes Scandal.

Yes.

What's up, what's up, what's up? Welcome back to the Woman Evolve podcast. Happy New Year. It has been an

An amazing start to the new year already. If you haven't already learned, the Woman Evolved podcast is now a part of the Black Effect Network. Big ups to the icon, Charlamagne, for expanding the reach of the Woman Evolved podcast and also helping me to stop reading all those ads because your girl was getting a little woo-woo.

Listen, I am so excited about this partnership. But what I'm most excited about is that since we got to take a little break, although y'all were really enjoying those throwback episodes, it gave us a chance to really reformat the podcast. There has been something that we have heard over and over again since releasing this new podcast.

format, which if you guys are not familiar with the podcast, it started in 2018. I grabbed a microphone, my laptop, and I would sit in my office. I'd go on Facebook Live and we would talk about hot topics and current events. I'd send it off to my brother to mix and then we'd upload it. And that is how the

But it started getting a little hard to go live on Facebook at the same time, week after week. And to be honest, it was getting difficult to rescue people. We had these segments. It was Hail Mary and Rescue Eve. And we basically take stories out of the news and try to find this angle of, you know,

Seeing people the way God sees them, even though it was easy to see them like Eve. You know Eve, our girl in the Bible. She ate from the fruit, gave it to Adam. The fall of humanity, sin enters the world. You know, she knew better, but she didn't do better. And people are out here, and I know they know better, but they are not doing better. And though it would be easy to judge, we would try to suspend judgment and see things the way that God saw them. Sounds good in theory, but trying to defend people was getting real hard.

But we're going to try it again. We are bringing back Rescue Eve. We are going to try and rescue the people. But this time, instead of just rescuing people who are in the news, though that may happen, we want to try and rescue you. Yes, you listening. Like, are you out here being raggedy? Like, did you call the kids in sick and they weren't sick? Do you need a rescue? Yeah.

Are you out here, you know, not properly laying that wig down and outside being like corporate Aaron? Is that you? I don't know if it's you, but if it's you, maybe you need a floaty. Maybe we need to send you a plane because you out here knowing better, but not doing better. I believe in you. I believe in all God's children. And I just want to see you do better. So send us your, I'll give you more information on sending us your rescue eaves.

But we're also bringing in a segment called Mind Your Business. You guys send me advice questions all the time. I'm going to answer them here on the air, but we're going to ask you to send them in via video. So you can send actually your Mind Your Business moments, how you want me to mind your business, to podcast.womenevolve or podcast.womeneevolve.

Send us the ways you're out here being raggedy at podcast at womanevolved.com. So if you send me your mind, your business thing, like drop a video, make it quick.

you know, but give me the details. Make it quick. Like send me a minute video or so telling me all about whatever it is you're going through and how you think maybe I can help you. And you can mind my business. You want to know where I'm getting stuff from. You want to know how I'm doing. Like send me your questions, whatever they are, no matter how deep, no matter how random. I'll do my best to answer them. And yeah, go ahead and send your rescue eaves to that as well. Podcasts at womanevolved.com. So

All right, let's get into our first mind your business question. Are you ready? Are you ready for me to mind your business? I'm ready to mind it. Hi, Sarah. My name is Winifred and I just have one question to ask you. So we've been a part of your story and your incredible journey as well. But with all of that, I just want to know, do you sometimes deal with imposter syndrome? If you do, how have you been able to...

get out of that how do you deal with it or navigate through it because i feel like sometimes when god tells us to do something we think because of our past because of what our past looks like we don't really deserve to do it or we're not good enough for it but i just want to know how have you been able to push through and still do the will of god thank you

Winifred, this question is so interesting to me because I often ask myself, like, is that imposter syndrome? Like the reason why you're questioning yourself, the reason why you are doubting yourself in this moment. But one of the things that I am beginning to realize is that I'm not

I feel like the only reason why I have had impact in my ministry and with my life is because I've made a commitment to authenticity, whatever is authentic to me for that specific assignment. And so authenticity isn't necessarily saying I'm going to show up the same way every single time as much as it is saying I'm going to show up in my truth, but I'm going to see if God blesses this truth.

And so I have to say, well, some of you may have seen the story. Some of you may not have. I was speaking at my father's church and I was there on my own. And at the time, backstory is at the time I was questioning whether or not I would be a good candidate to be a part of the leadership team at the Pardish House Dallas program.

primarily because, you know, I am going to give it to you the way God gives it to me. And sometimes it doesn't come off as eloquent and fancy as I think that it should. And so I was wondering, like, am I going to have to change myself to step into what God has called me to do? Or can I still be myself and it be effective? And I was having that going on in my own spirit, in my own mind.

I get up to preach and my wig starts slipping. I take my wig off. I keep on preaching. And so that moment ends up going viral, right? All of these people see it. But what was crazy about it is instead of it being something that people just laughed at, it became this thing that people were inspired by where they were like, when you took your wig off, it like snatched shame out of my soul. It gave me permission to be myself again.

Little did they know that as liberating as that moment was for them, it was liberating for me because it helped me to realize that God was trying to show me like, if you will just be yourself in your rawest, wig cap on state, I can use it. I can bless it.

And so those moments where imposter syndrome tries to creep in, I remind myself that I'm not forcing this. I'm just standing in the force of what it is. I'm not pretending to be anyone other than myself, which is why, you know, I could be on TikTok.

cutting the turkey open and then turn around and post a preaching clip. It is important to me that as I present myself as a leader, as a thought leader and faith leader, that I do so in such a way that no one is ever caught by surprise at me being human and a woman and a girl who's on a journey. And so...

Resist pretending. Resist the need to live up to someone's expectation. Resist the need to do what you've seen done before and ask yourself and ask God instead, if you chose me to do this and you know who I am, you know where I went to school or didn't go to school, you know who my friends are or who my friends aren't,

and you're still asking me to do this, then I'm going to show up in the truth of who I am, and I'm going to sit back and watch how you multiply whatever my offering is. That's been my testimony, and that is what has helped me to resist falling into the trap of imposter syndrome, because I am authentically being who I am and obedient to the places where God sends me. I hope that helps her. I

I have struggled with wondering whether or not I have imposter syndrome, which was one of my first encounters with therapy was trying to figure out whether or not

was experiencing imposter syndrome or something more deeply related with just the stress of my past trauma coming to the surface because I didn't feel present in my life. So I thought it would be cool to understand for those of you who may be wondering as well, like, do I have imposter syndrome? There is an expert on the subject. Her name is Dr. Valerie Young. And

And evidently she has a book that centers around women who may have imposter syndrome. It's called The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, Why Capable People Suffer from the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It. She says that there are five categories of

of imposter syndrome and the way they show up differently, the way it shows up is differently for everyone. So I'm going to just run off these five real quick, but if you want to dig deeper, get the book or if you want to just confirm what you got, here we go. All right. So category number one is the perfectionist. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome go

Hand in hand. Think about it. Perfectionists set excessively high goals for themselves, and when they fail to reach a goal, they experience major self-doubt and worry about measuring up. Whether they realize it or not, this group can also be control freaks, feeling like if they want something done right, they have to do it themselves. Reading somebody's mail.

Number two, the superwoman. Since people who experience this phenomenon are convinced that they're phonies amongst real deal colleagues, they often push themselves to work harder and harder to measure up. But this is just a false cover up for their insecurities and the work overload may harm not only their own mental health, but also their relationships with others. Number three,

The natural genius. Young says people with this competence type believe they need to be a natural genius. As such, they judge their competence based...

As such, they judge their competence, not the devil trying to tie my tongue up. We get off of me. As such, they judge their competence-based ease and speed as opposed to their efforts. In other words, if they take a long time to master something, they feel shame. These types of imposters set their internal bar impossibly high, just like perfectionists. But natural genius types don't judge themselves based on ridiculousness.

They don't just judge themselves based on ridiculous expectations. They also judge themselves based on getting things right on the first try. When they're not able to do something quickly or fluently, their alarm sounds. All right. You know why I couldn't read through that? Got me. That's not right. Don't.

Whatever, I'm definitely guilty of setting an internal bar that is so high and then be upset when I can't do something right on the first try. Planning conference on the scale that it was in 2023 with 40,000 people and having so many errors

And just like, how do we budget properly? How do we structure the team properly? What does the timeline need to look like? I was so upset with myself that I did not do well doing something I've never done before. Think about that sentence. It's already sounding off. So I guess I got a little touch of it. Okay. Okay. There's just two more left. For the soloist, sufferers who feel as though asking for help reveals their phoniness are what Young calls soloists.

It's okay to be independent, but not to the extent that you refuse assistance so that you can prove your worth. Not sure if this applies to you, ask yourself these questions. Do you firmly feel that you need to accomplish things on your own? I don't need anyone's help. Does that sound like you? Do you frame requests in terms of requirements of the project rather than your needs as a person?

Can I have both of them, please? Okay, last one, number five, the expert. Experts measure their competence based on what and how much they know or can do. Believing they will never know enough, they fear being exposed as inexperienced or unknowledgeable. Do you shy away from applying to job postings unless you meet every single educational requirement? Are you constantly seeking out trainings or certifications because you think you need to improve your skills in order to succeed?

Even if you've been in your role for some time, can you relate to feeling like you still don't know enough? Do you shudder when someone says you're an expert?

All right. Well, basically, we all got imposter syndrome. That is from Dr. Valerie Young. Her book, The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, Why Capable People Suffer from the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It, sounds like it might be a good read for us. I'm going to see if we can add that to the Women Evolve book club because we need help.

I am still going to stand 10 toes down on the fact that a lot of what I experienced had to do with trauma responses. When our unprocessed trauma has not been acknowledged and understood,

It shows up in the way that we function. And so, yeah, I probably got a touch of imposter syndrome with a dabble of PTSD and a few other things. But that is why we need therapy. You should know by now that there is no shame at all in needing someone to talk to, needing someone to help you process. To be honest, I think that's why social media is as...

powerful as it is, is that we are collectively processing what we see in the news, what we see in someone's life. I love TikTok because I like to hear the way people think, but you got to turn that inward. You can't constantly be

Focus on processing what's happening around you and not what's taking place in you. Here's a little secret. Most smartphone deals aren't that exciting. To be honest, they're barely worth mentioning. But then there's AT&T and their best deals. Those are quite exciting. They're the kind of deals that are worth talking about. Like their deal on the Samsung Galaxy Z Flip 6.

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Also, we get to hang out with all of our old Scandal friends like Bellamy Young, Scott Foley, Tony Goldwyn, Debbie Allen, Kerry Washington. So many people. Even more shocking assassinations from Papa and Mama Pope. And yes, Katie and I's famous teeth pulling scene that kicks off a romance. And it was peak TV. This is new Scandal KC.

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Meet the real woman behind the tabloid headlines in a personal podcast that delves into the life of the notorious Tori Spelling as she takes us through the ups and downs of her sometimes glamorous, sometimes chaotic life and marriage. I don't think he knew how big it would be, how big the life I was given and live is.

I think he was like, oh, yeah, things come and go. But with me, it never came and went. Is she Donna Martin or a down-and-out divorcee? Is she living in Beverly Hills or a trailer park? In a town where the lines are blurred, Tori is finally going to clear the air in the podcast Misspelling. When a woman has nothing to lose, she has everything to gain. I just filed for divorce. Whoa, I said the words.

that I've said like in my head for like 16 years. Wild. Listen to Miss Spelling on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Cheaters and Backstabbers. I'm Shadi Diaz. And I'm Kate Robards. And we are New York City stand-up comedians and best friends. And we love a good cheating and backstabbing story. Welcome.

So this is a series where our guests reveal their most shocking cheating stories. Join us as we learn how to avoid getting our hearts broken or our backs slashed. Listen to Cheaters and Backstabbers on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. I'm Angie Martinez. Check out my podcast where I talk to some of the biggest athletes, musicians, actors in the world. We go beyond the headlines and the soundbites to have real conversations about real life, death, love, and everything in between.

This life right here, just finding myself, just this relaxation, this not feeling stressed, this not feeling pressed. This is what I'm most proud of. I'm proud of Mary because I've been through hell and some horrible things. That feeling that I had of inadequacy is gone. You're going to die being you. So you got to constantly work on who you are to make sure that the stars align correctly.

Life ain't easy and it's getting harder and harder. So if you have a story to tell, if you've come through some trials, you need to share it because you're going to inspire someone. You're going to give somebody the motivation to not give up, to not quit. Listen to Angie Martinez IRL on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm really excited about my conversation today with Kobe Campbell. Kobe Campbell is an award-winning licensed trauma therapist, best-selling author, media expert, entertainment consultant, and keynote speaker. Kobe just released her first book with W Publishing of HarperCollins titled, Why Am I Like This? How to Break Cycles, Heal from Trauma, and Restore Your Faith. Let me tell you, Homegirl came in swinging and did not stop.

You know, I'm always letting Dr. Anita Phillips like therapy me on the low. If you guys haven't heard her podcast, you got to check it out. It's a woman evolve special. It's called in the light. But let me tell you something. Kobe Campbell is a Dr. Anita Phillips.

In the making. Her own individuality, her own unique style, but getting deep just as fast without fear of judgment. Homegirl got that on lock. So let's get into my conversation with her. And if I were you, I would just prepare to be blown away. Dr. Anita has this saying about us playing out our childhood traumas and our relationships. Do you agree with that? Yes, a thousand percent.

I feel like we don't even realize some of our childhood trauma until we are in relationships. My relationship was part of the reason why I started digging, like, why? What's wrong with me? Mm-hmm. Yep.

What makes you start a podcast with your husband where you're talking about healing and like perhaps your own things coming up in the midst of this podcast? Oh, man. Yes. So I think what made us start the podcast is realizing when he started going to therapy,

how much that changed my life. I think I was like, okay, you need to go to therapy. Quit playing. I'm not going to be your therapist anymore, all the things. But then he started going to therapy and it demanded of me. And I wasn't prepared for that. And I was like, oh, don't get too healed now. Wait, what did it demand of you? I think that I got really used to feeling entitled to more space in our relationship because I had done more work. And so...

Whoa. Okay. Wait a minute. Right. You have to break that down. So, yeah. What do you mean by that? Uh,

A lot of like, you know, well, I'm the self-aware. I'm the one who's been in therapy for almost 10 years. So when I say this, I'm coming from this place. Therapy jargon, therapy jargon. And that's why we're doing what I want to do. Right. Okay. And then he started healing and it started illuminating the ways that I was not, we weren't sharing the space, the emotional real estate. It was all mine. And he was a tenant. You know, like you get to be here for a little bit. Calm down. Calm down.

Calm down. Because weaponizing healing is like... As a therapist. Yeah, God yoked me up quick.

And as he was healing, he would say things like, that really hurt my feelings. And then I found myself falling into patterns of like, you know, misogyny myself and being like, well, you just have to get over it when that would never be appropriate for him to do to me. Right. And so when he started saying that, like, hey, it hurt when you expect me to get over that really quickly because you've made it clear that I can't, I can't track your healing for you. I just have to be along for the journey. And I'm asking you to do the same. And I was like, what?

Yes, in theory. But in practice, I don't know how I feel about this. Okay. So let me tell you, all of us talking about we want our man, we want your man, your man, your man needs to go to therapy. Yeah.

Which we do. We do, for sure. But what you're saying is we may not be ready for a man who was living in an awareness of his feelings and emotional state and deconstructing systems of patriarchy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think it was so difficult to let him hurt himself.

Okay, I'm intrigued. Okay, so can I ask you a question? It's going to be so random. Sure. Are we calling sassy men just emotionally aware men? Like the sassy man apocalypse is this? I think that there's a difference, but I think that...

In some ways, yes. I will say that. I have felt like sometimes we want the emotionally aware men, but we only want them to have those traits to serve us. Oh, my gosh. But the reality is, like, they deserve to experience those traits within us, and we are beneficiaries of their own experience of feeling at home in their bodies and in their lives.

And so I think that sometimes when we talk about like, oh, this sassy man, this, I cannot speak to every experience, y'all. Right, right, right. But what I can say is a lot of them are men who dare to be honest and then we shame them for it. Right? We want you to be honest enough to be faithful in the relationship and not honest enough to tell me that, tell you that I hurt your feelings. Yeah. You know, because then that costs me. And for me, I struggled, especially I'm like seminary grad, licensed therapist, like da, da, da, da, da, da. And...

God was like, and you're mean sometimes because there are ways that I just wanted him to be whatever I needed. But I am not, I'm not called to covenant with a thing. I'm called to covenant with a person. Yeah. Which means like they have their entire life. There are things that deeply wound him, deeply hurt him.

And the same way I needed space to just share and unload how he had hurt me, like, I needed to be able to reciprocate and allow him to share that without like, well, I did this and I tried this and I fixed this. And like, I think that

One of the things I love most about my husband and one of the things I think is sexiest about him is his tenderness. Like he is strong. He's strong enough to look like the weakest person in the room, but be able to turn up and take all y'all down. You know what I'm saying? He's strong enough to cry in front of men. Who doesn't matter? In front of our kids. Yeah.

You know, he's, I've seen him worship in our living room and our son come up and say, Daddy, why are you crying? And he's like, because God's been good to me. And that makes me cry happy tears. And like, that makes me tear up because I'm like, my son is going to grow up with the freedom to worship and the freedom to express because it was modeled for him.

But that demanded of me to say, you are allowed to feel and I will not judge how you feel based on the standards of what the world says black men need to look like. So that's a thing. Yeah. Well, you said quite a few things here that I don't even know. Because I think a lot of times when we talk about healing the fractures between men and women as it relates to romantic relationships, it's generally talking about what the man has done wrong, right?

Yeah. And the ways that men need to grow up, men need to rise to the occasion, men need to be more emotionally aware. They need to do their work. And yet we have not prepared ourselves for what that evolved man would look like.

And while I'm evolving, they're like, we need man evolve. We need man evolve. We need man evolve. And basically, we want men who can serve the version of us we have become without taking any inventory at all about who we are going to become in order to serve this version of who they are. Yes. Yes. And even saying, I want you to become this so that I can feel more safe with you. What if the person that God is calling that man to be is not someone you feel comfortable with?

It should be someone you feel safe with emotionally, physically, all the things. But like maybe it challenges you. You know, I think we're so used to sometimes being the source of challenge for other people, calling people higher that we forget that there are contexts in which we're going to be called higher. And for me, that was letting my husband's journey be his and not about how I could feel better.

You know, so like a rule we have is when we go to therapy, we do not share what we talked about in therapy unless we want to. And we don't even put ourselves in this position where someone feels uncomfortable about you asked me. So we don't ask. So the only time we know what's happened in therapy is when someone said, hey, I want to talk to you about what came up in therapy. Yeah. You know, because his space is.

He deserves a space to be free the same way I deserve a space to be free. And me and my therapist be cutting up, you know? Like if I'm upset with somebody, I'm like, this is her Instagram. And like, can you pull up? No, not that one. The one download. And so like he needs that same safe space. And I love that he has that. I want him to have that. And it also made me realize my life is not defined by his wellness, right?

You know, that like, I'm responsible. There's things in my life that I wanted to outsource to him. I wanted to outsource my self-esteem to him. You make me feel good instead of me build my self-esteem from internally. You make me feel secure and confident. Now there's a part of relationship that's a part of that, but like,

The bulk of what I'm called to be is my responsibility. You are added onto that. You know, you support that. You compliment that. You nurture it. But it has to exist because I've done the work for it to be there. Okay. So when we talk about trauma playing out in relationships. Oh, yeah. I am recognizing.

recognizing when I met my husband, I was in a really great place. I bought my home in Texas with me and my two kids. I'd gotten out of a toxic marriage and I was just finally at a place where I was like, I can trust myself. I love myself. My story doesn't make me cringe.

I pick up, I move to Los Angeles and I'm in this unfamiliar, fast paced city without as much support as I had been used to. My brother was here. I had a family friend here, but that's drastic in comparison to how much support I had. And I found myself, I think, clinging to him creating my esteem, my confidence and

And even if you don't move to a new city, you have a new baby, you lose a job, you take on a new job. Home is this place where it is where I should be able to find my footing. But because he's got his own thing and he's going through life himself, this may not be the place where I am finding my footing. And I think I found myself...

afraid anytime he had a bad day, even if it didn't have anything to do with me at like, this isn't going to work. He's upset with me. What did I do? I've learned a lot and grown a lot, but I do think it goes back to that, putting all of our dependency on this one person's emotional state and making sure that they're offering us that sense of comfort. How do we...

identify the way that our trauma becomes a filter for maybe not just our partner's actions, but for everyone's actions. Like, how do I know, like, that's coming through the trauma filter. This is coming through the healed filter. Yeah. I think a question that I get my clients to answer is what are your automatic expectations and when did they start becoming expectations?

When did you automatically start feeling like if a friend missed your birthday, they didn't like you anymore? Like what birthday did you realize like I now have this expectation? What are the things that you automatically expect people to do that

And if they don't do them, you can say to yourself, I knew this was going to happen or this was just like or this always happens. Right. Anytime we hear ourselves saying this always happens or like this is just like or I can never. Those point to patterns like those statements. They point to patterns and help us see there's something internally that's happened in the past that I am trying to resolve in the present. And I'm trying to protect myself in the future. Right.

I'm trying to offer myself as tribute, but the way you came in here so violent, I'm not really feeling that. But I feel like being the sister that I am to the delegation, I should offer myself as tribute so they can do their work. But Kobe, I just met you and I'm telling you, if you drag me, I'm not so far from Eve that I won't kick back a little bit. You got nails on, I don't. So let me just stay over here. All right, so you can help me. You can help me. Oh my gosh. Okay, are you ready? Yeah. So I...

I was doing a podcast and the person at the end starts saying a lot of nice things about me. Yeah. And I don't like it. I don't like when people say nice things about me, therapy me. Is that the trauma? Is it? Is that a trauma filter? Well, I will say this. All healing starts with getting curious. And so before I make a judgment, I will ask questions. Okay. What do you feel in your body when someone compliments you? Oh, you are just like Dr. Annie. That's why she likes you. Okay.

I feel nerves, fear. Where do you feel in your body? Like in my stomach. Yeah. When else do you feel that in your stomach? What else do you have like that sensation in your stomach? When I'm about to preach. Yeah. What do you feel when you preach? In it or before it? In it. Free. When we're free, we often feel seen. And being seen is vulnerable.

Being seen is vulnerable. Being seen is intimate. And it can feel scary when someone who has not spent time with you sees something of you that is so intimate and so real because it means that there's a part of you on the inside that's living on the outside and the world can see it.

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Hi, I'm Katie Lowes. And I'm Guillermo Diaz. And now we're back with another season of our podcast, Unpacking the Toolbox, where Guillermo and I will be rewatching the show. To officially unpack season three of Scandal. Unpredictable. You don't see it coming. It's a wild, wild ride. The twists and turns in season three. Mesmerizing. But also,

Also, we get to hang out with all of our old scandal friends like Bellamy Young, Scott Foley, Tony Goldwyn, Debbie Allen, Kerry Washington. So many people. Even more shocking assassinations from Papa and Mama Pope. And yes, Katie and I's famous teeth pulling scene that kicks off a romance.

And it was Peak TV. This is new scandal content for your eyes, for your ears, for your hearts, for your minds. Well, suit up, gladiators. Grab your big old glass of wine and prepare yourselves for even more behind the scenes. Listen to Unpacking the Toolbox on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Meet the real woman behind the tabloid headlines in a personal podcast that delves into the life of the notorious Tori Spelling as she takes us through the ups and downs of her sometimes glamorous, sometimes chaotic life and marriage. I don't think he knew how big it would be, how big the life I was given and live is.

I think he was like, oh, yeah, things come and go. But with me, it never came and went. Is she Donna Martin or a down-and-out divorcee? Is she living in Beverly Hills or a trailer park? In a town where the lines are blurred, Tori is finally going to clear the air in the podcast Misspelling. When a woman has nothing to lose, she has everything to gain. I just filed for divorce. Whoa, I said the words.

that I've said like in my head for like 16 years. Wild. Listen to Misspelling on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Angie Martinez. Check out my podcast where I talk to some of the biggest athletes, musicians, actors in the world. We go beyond the headlines and the soundbites to have real conversations about real life, death, love, and everything in between.

This life right here, just finding myself, just this relaxation, this not feeling stressed, this not feeling pressed. This is what I'm most proud of. I'm proud of Mary because I've been through hell and some horrible things. That feeling that I had of inadequacy is gone. You're going to die being you. So you got to constantly work on who you are to make sure that the stars align correctly.

Life ain't easy and it's getting harder and harder. So if you have a story to tell, if you've come through some trials, you need to share it because you're going to inspire someone. You're going to give somebody the motivation to not give up, to not quit. Listen to Angie Martinez IRL on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome to Cheaters and Backstabbers. I'm Shadi Diaz. And I'm Kate Robards. And we are New York City stand-up comedians and best friends. And we love a good cheating and backstabbing story. So this is a series where our guests reveal their most shocking cheating stories. Join us as we learn how to avoid getting our hearts broken or our backs slashed. Listen to Cheaters and Backstabbers on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

So when I don't like that, I don't like being seen that way? No, I don't think it means you don't like being seen that way. I think it just is unnerving sometimes to be intimate with people who you are not intimate with. Rather, it's hard to feel like there are people who have access to intimacy with you that you have not chosen intimacy with. And that's what we would call a parasocial relationship.

Like, you know of me and you know me partially, but you don't know me in here. So when you call out something in here that you can see from out there, all the way out there, that means that the way I'm living, what I'm projecting is real. People see me. And when people see you, they can hurt you, right? They can celebrate you. They can lift you up. They can tear you down. It's just a vulnerable way of existing. Yeah.

So if someone is choosing to live a life where they're like, you know what? I want to be free. I want to be whole. Like, what do you think we have to surrender in order to live that way? Certainty about anything. Certainty about what we think life is supposed to be like, what partnership is supposed to be like, who we are, who the people we are called to are, who God is. Like, remaining ultimately curious and just saying, like,

I'm willing to learn. I'm willing to find out. I don't know. And even what I think I know, I'm willing to be found wrong. Okay. This is so, so in my messages, I feel like it really has to be like, if it's for you, it's for you. And if it's not, it's not. Yeah. Because I feel like I have a responsibility as someone who was standing in the gap between people and what,

I perceive God is telling me to make sure that I cast a net wide enough to cover different circumstances and scenarios. And so I was talking last month about, you know, I got a bad report from the doctor. And there was on one hand where I was like, proclaim your healing. Yeah. Take your healing. Plead the blood of Jesus. Rebuke the disease. Yeah.

But also I had to wrestle with the reality that there were people who have done all of those things and still got the disease and still died. And I did not want to set myself up or someone else up for this idea of God betrayed me by not giving me what it is that I prayed for. But instead to stretch our reality in such a way that if this is the path that has been

for you to take. Yeah. That sometimes healing is not necessarily the disease being gone. Yeah. Sometimes healing is God giving me the strength to walk this through and still be a light. Yes. Because...

Because if we only make it to where things have to turn out the way that I need them to be, that's the only way I'll have certainty that God is with me, that God is real is if he does it this way. Then we miss out on the opportunity of experiencing God's presence in suffering, God's presence in pain and in disease. And that's just a reality. Yeah.

that God doesn't always show up in the way that we would have wanted him to. But it doesn't mean that we can't access his presence now. Yes, yes. And one, that is powerful. Two, I'm sorry about whatever report you got. And I'll be praying for you for sure. But three, that makes me think back to the question you asked me about whether it's trauma to compliment or

Just thinking that like, you know, when you are thinking about sharing your experience, your lived experience, you're still processing how this is going to affect other people. Right. And that's not a bad thing. It just means that, you know, you represent something. So I wonder when people compliment you, it's just like this external affirmation that I represent something. I represent these words that they're sharing to me. And what does that mean?

right? Does that mean that I can never change? Does it mean that I can't evolve? You know, does that mean that I can't change? Or does that just affirm what God's told me, you know, behind the scenes and that's still unnerving? So that was a thought that came to mind. But yeah, I think that a lot of us can identify with what it means to want to look for the manifestation of God's

in a person. And I don't think that's all bad. I think that's actually why we're designed for community. And you represent that for a lot of women who look like me. Well, you tried to therapy me on the slide before you moved to the next thing. And I just wanted you to know I did pick it up. Sorry, girl.

I don't know. I don't know if it's that. What my instinct tells me that it is that makes me uncomfortable is that, like, I do not think that I trust people to stay and believe the same thing about me. Mm.

And I think that obviously I have experience that would point to that as a point of pain. But I think it's also just within the culture in general that, you know, you love someone the next day, they say something you don't like, and then they're completely canceled. And so I think that I could receive it if it felt certain, if it felt like...

I don't want to say if it felt like truth, but if it felt like something that I could really hang on to. But I do think definitely the inner child in me is like, reject it, don't receive it. Because if you come to trust it, they'll rip the blanket off of you and you'll be back in this situation. So I think that that's part of it. It makes me feel uneasy, even when like,

You know, the delegation shows me a lot of love and like I want to lean into it, but I also don't want to need it. I don't want to trust it. And so there's like this awkward dance of me not being able to really see the impact. Yeah.

Of my life, my ministry, the words, because I'm so afraid of it being taken away. Yes. Wow. That's so real. And I think that there's actually a middle ground between like, I fully accept it or I fully reject it, which could be, I'm grateful that how they feel about me right now aligns with who God says I am. Yeah.

And that may change, but it's really nice to hear God's words coming from somebody else in the moment. You know, and like saying, I can savor this right now. And if you hate me tomorrow, that's all right. I savored it yesterday. The fruit from yesterday can't feed me today. It's already gone. It's already digested. So like, I can appreciate that right now you saw a glimpse of who God sees me to be. And that's beautiful. That's good. I gotta figure out, because I just be sitting there awkwardly like,

Enjoy glitching. Thank you so much. Definitely glitching. Definitely don't know what to say back. You're welcome. And you got the script in your head. Yes. Thank you so much. That means so much. And they always do this. Right here. Because this is where it went. I just want you to know, regardless of how much I'm glitching, it made its way in here. Thank you so much. That means the world. Oh, prayer hands?

hands is when you've said something. When they're going on a little too long, you're just like, for sure. Just stop talking now, please. Yeah, I mean, and then I'd be like, dig for something deep, and all I can come up with is, you're welcome. I don't know what to say. Yeah, yeah. What do you want to say? Stop saying that. Stop saying that. What you gonna do with me? What?

How many sessions and can I get a discount? Maybe. If you give me your shoes. Oh, well, there it is. No, stop saying that. Girl, be quiet. Exactly. Thanks. That's enough. You topped me off today. Oh, but isn't it crazy that like we spend so much time warding off the very thing that we like have spent years crying out for? Oh my gosh, I need it. Because if they know

I'm going to be like, God, do I matter at all? Am I doing this right? Do I have the impact? And I just think about the seasons in my life where I was face down, on the ground, looking absolutely bonkers, crying out like, God, no one loves me but you.

No one sees me. No one cares. And now like Diamond, my good friend, she said this earlier. She said, you're seen. And I was like, thank you. Like I am seen. And I think sometimes the enemy will make us want to cringe when we receive the blessing we spent years like asking God for. And so now I'd be like, I am seen, you know, and I enjoy it. And it's okay to enjoy it. You ever feel guilty enjoying it when people celebrate you?

Yes. You got to pretend like you're like fake humble. Humble, you got to be humble. But like, I don't remember where I heard it, but I remember hearing, humble is not downplaying your greatness. Humble is staying in the assigned position God has placed you. This is the assigned position. So yeah, I'm going to receive the compliments, say thank you so much. And I'm not going to pretend I don't like the perks because I'm

I prayed for these perks when I was in the hospital and was lost in my life with my son. I prayed for these perks, you know, when I was like wondering if I wanted to live anymore. So I've been processing that in therapy. Really? How other people feel about me joyfully receiving what God's blessed me with. Because I think it makes other people uncomfortable and that's what makes me uncomfortable. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, I think especially, I'm protective, especially on social media, because I really be trying to like make sure that I take into consider all of the different scenarios. So like, there's just so many. It'd be one I miss. Yeah. I didn't even realize it. How did you not think about the fact that I can't wear the color red? Yeah. Because my meemaw used to wear red. Yeah, yeah. And she's gone now. And now I'm hurt. How dare you? You don't hear from the Lord. And then all I do is add to the list. Can't wear red. Do not wear red. Please choose.

Please choose Maroon next time. No, I think that that's such a worthy journey of learning to really stand in it without fear of coming off as arrogant or prideful. Yeah. And being okay with other people wrestling with the reality that to them I may be.

Yeah. That's a wrestle between you and God. You know, that's hands-on contact. That's between you and him. I can't get into that fight because I got my own battles. So if you're upset about what it looks like for me to do what God's called me to do—

I mean, it makes me think about Paul with the disciples. They didn't like anything he was doing. But they watched long enough to be like, okay, maybe he was really doing what God's called him to do. Let's partner with him. So some people are in different parts of process and they may not like what I'm doing right now, how I'm doing it, how I receive it. Either they'll catch on or they won't, but...

I can't remember the names of some of the people I cried over 10 years ago. Jesus. Erase them. Just tears wiping them right away. Literally. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I tried to warn you.

Listen, we're going to have more from Kobe's perspective and wisdom next week. There is something she shared that I believe is really going to help us further unpack our journey to healing and connecting in relationships. So I can't wait to share with you my thoughts.

on what she said and to collectively process with you so that you can process inwardly. Listen, before we go, we're going to try Rescue Eve again, okay? So because this is new and some of the people didn't understand the assignment, you know, I found one out of the headlines. But listen, let's keep them light. Let's keep the rescues light. Let's end with a chuckle, you know? So I saw a story in the news recently

It's about the Hermes heir. He is the heir of the really fancy purse bag that the folks be rapping about. And he plans to give $7 billion of his fortune, that's the whole thing, to his 51-year-old gardener, okay? His name is Nicholas Pushk.

I said that real fast because I don't know how to say it, but he's an 80-year-old heir to the French luxury brand, and he is reportedly planning to distribute his wealth to his 51-year-old gardener, who he also intends to legally adopt. First of all, is this rescue Eve or is this God blessing us? Do you know how many of us grown folks with bills and children want to be adopted?

Lord, I see what you're doing in the lives of other people. That's all I'm going to say. I see what you're doing in the lives of other people. Okay, 51 years old and about to become a billionaire. But let me tell you, the saints are not happy. Who are the saints? Probably like the board.

they want to have his mind checked out. They want to make sure that he's thinking properly because in their mind, why would you give your $7 billion fortune to a gardener and your handyman? But let me tell you something, the foolish things of this world, going to get them every single time. I think we need to rescue Nicholas because for real, it's

always the people who are maybe seen as least likely who are the people that God highlights. We need to throw him a floaty, throw him a private. He needs to throw us a private jet. We, does he need to send a yacht for us? Because to be honest, we ain't got it, but he got it. The gardener, sir, sir, I know of a Jesus in the garden.

And that makes us kinship. Can you send the jet for us? I don't know. Listen, what do you think? Do we need to rescue him or do you think it is excessive? Should he just give some of the fortune and the rest away to charity? I mean, it's not our business. Either way, we still have to finish doing the things that we're doing in our life. But sometimes it's nice to visit someone else's world. Let me know. But also let me know the ways that you need to be rescued. Do you need a floaty out here? Do you need a private jet? Do you need a...

You know, a life raft. I don't know. You tell me what's going on in your world, how we can rescue you. Welcome back to the Woman Evolved podcast. We've got an exciting year for 2024. I can't wait to serve you, to grow with you and to become a force. I can't wait to move with power with you. I can't wait to ignite your confidence and become a force. We'll talk more about that throughout the year. Before we go, let's say a quick prayer. God,

Thank you so much for the beauty of being seen, even when it appears that no one's looking at us at all. The opportunity to dig into our heart, our mind, and to connect with your spirit is how we become better. If something we've said today has highlighted someone's need to go deeper in healing, deeper into the work that is required so that we become more like you,

I hope that that comes with ease. God, help me to be a good steward of this platform, of these people, of this opportunity. I want nothing more than for you to be made known and to make it evident that you use unlikely people who are authentic to do impactful things in their world. So bless this week. Bless my friends. In Jesus name I pray. All right. I'll see y'all next week.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to another exciting episode of the Trap Nerds Podcast. This is not an episode. I'm pretty sure this is a promo. You know what it is. We in this piece. Trap nerds, trap nerds. Real n****s like you never heard.

We're giving you reliable gaming news with the best movie and TV reviews from a Blurred perspective. All things inside and out of Blurred culture. Listen to the Trap Nurse Podcast on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What's good? It's Colleen Witt and Eating While Broke is back for season three. Brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. We're serving up some real stories and life lessons from people like Van Lathan, DC Youngfly, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, and many more.

They're sharing the dishes that got them through their struggles and the wisdom they gained along the way. We're cooking up something special, so tune in every Thursday. Listen to Eating While Broke on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Presented by State Farm. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Yo, it's Big Bank. Check out my podcast, Prospective with Bank, on the Black Effect Podcast Network. Each and every Monday, Prospective with Bank podcasts will feature individuals, all walks of life, who come together to share their unique perspective and engage in enlightened conversation. This podcast will explore all type of conversations from everyday people, your favorite celebrities. Every Monday, listen to Prospective with Bank on Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple

Presented by AT&T. Connecting changes everything.

Hi, I'm Katie Lowes. And I'm Guillermo Diaz. And we're the hosts of Unpacking the Toolbox, the Scandal Rewatch podcast where we're talking about all the best moments of the show. Mesmerizing. But also, we get to hang out with all of our old Scandal friends like Bellamy Young, Scott Foley, Tony Goldwyn, Debbie Allen, Kerry Washington. Well, suit up, gladiators. Grab your big old glass of wine and prepare yourselves for an even more behind-the-scenes Scandal.

I just filed for divorce. Whoa. I said the words that I've said like in my head for like 16 years.

wild. Listen to Misspelling on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.