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I'm a good lawyer, and I want to win. I'm a savage. I think I killed JT.
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Can't bless who you pretend to be or who you compare yourself to he can only bless you and the lane that was created for you You don't need no edge entity you need boundaries
Summer, summer, summertime. Where is Will's? Oh, I don't know. Okay, I don't know about it. All right. But let me tell you something. The classics are still the classics, okay? I love summer, even though these bills don't take a break off. And let me tell you how school was such a fraud because it made you feel like you don't have any responsibilities for about two and a half months. Then you got into this big world. Well, never mind. I won't even start. I'll save it for my therapist. I'll save it for my therapist.
I love, though, the illusion that summer break still applies to me, too. The thought of making plans that I high-key hope the other person will cancel because, to be honest, I'd rather be at home binge-watching a TV show or reading a book, which, for a minute, can we just say that I believe canceled plans are a form of self-care? I believe
to see if my co-host though, Khadidra, agrees with that. She is the self-care guru and expert that you did not know you needed in your life. She's a self-care coach, so she knows all the things that need to be known about self-care. And let's start the conversation with helping you get back to a place of taking care of you.
Khadija, you better give us this face beat. It's giving. Let me tell you about this highlight and this contour. I see it. How are you? I'm doing well. I'm super excited. Like, I'm all bubbly in the inside. I'm like, that's what I'm about to talk to Sarah James. But, you know, I'm super cool.
Well, let me tell you, I've heard so many amazing things about you that I'm looking forward to just receiving from you and connecting in this way. So thank you. Thank you for being a part of the podcast.
Thank you for having me for sure. We're talking about just like revolutionary reset, right? It's July. It's the middle of the year. We're trying to figure out who we are. How do I want to close out the year? What am I looking forward to doing when 2023 begins? And I feel like we cannot move into this next phase of resetting ourselves until we talk about our self-esteem. And I heard that like self-esteem is your thing. So I want to know, how do you define self-esteem?
So for me, originally when I saw the topic and I thought, I'm like, what does self-esteem mean to me? At first, I'm like, it's not appearance. It's not the image that first came to mind for me. For me personally, it was like my voice and how I show up for myself and how I present myself and what that looks like for me. And so I'm like, okay, for me,
like my voice and how I choose to speak or, um, what I choose to say or what I choose to write. Um, when I was a child, I used to suppress it because bad things will happen. If you say what was on your mind, or if you say, um, the wrong thing, bad things will happen. So I just came up with this mentality. Okay. Well, I'm not going to say nothing. So, um,
When it came to my self-esteem, it really affected it because I'm like, dang, I can't even be who I am or I can't even say what I really feel because something bad is going to happen if I do. And so self-esteem for me is all about using my voice. I love that. I think that when I think about just the word esteem exclusively, I think about when they're introducing fancy people and they're highly esteemed, right? And I think that has ultimately...
What they're saying is they're well-respected. They're highly respected. So when we talk about our self-esteem, what we're really talking about is our ability to have respect for oneself, for our thoughts, our feelings, our voice. And when a person has low self-esteem, it is no wonder that we see that they don't feel confident in their thoughts. They don't feel confident in their voice. That's why you can have people who are beautiful on the outside, but they still have low self-esteem because they don't have that respect within themselves.
Can you tell me maybe about the first time life tried to attack your respect for yourself, whether it was something that happened to you or something that you did that made you begin to question whether or not you could still respect who you are? Oh, I'm like, where do I start? I love the vulnerability, but I.
It started, honestly, for me back when I was a child. So when I was a child, I don't know what trauma we want to tap into from the poverty, from the drug at a single parent household, from just a lot of emotional instability. Like it was just so sexual abuse. It was so much things that happened to me where I felt like.
my like self-esteem had to be like solid. And then it became this thing where I was like, okay, how can I be, how can I show up for myself? Um, truly without, um,
feeling like I have to shadow everything around me because all these things around me wasn't in my control. So I'm like, okay, what is in control? How can I listen to me and see what's wrong with me or how I feel, what I need in those things within those natures? And I came to the conclusion, like, I started, I always tell people, I started off journaling, Sarah. I journaled back in the day.
I was talking crazy up in those journals. And I used to be so happy because I felt like I had an outlet. I'm like, ooh, like, don't nobody know how I feel, but I know how I feel. And so I started asking myself, okay, how can that person that's in the journal show up in real life? That's where the challenge started. I'm like, because I could talk all day and how I feel.
privately with myself, but when it came to communicating with others, when it came to whether it was a job or relationship or family members, I started to get silent again. I'm like, I don't know how I feel, girl. You know how you feel. So that's where it started. I think childhood and growing up and learning, okay, I don't have no control of nothing that's going on, but how can I still show up and be myself in a sense? Yeah.
Do you think that if someone is in that same exact circumstance as you and they're like, I need to show up for myself in relationships, I need to show up for myself in the workplace as I'm advocating for my dream, my purpose and my destiny. I have to use my voice, even though the journal was a place that ended up confining you. Do you think it also gave you the opportunity to practice, though? Because sometimes I feel like, yeah, OK, go to go ahead. Tell me.
Yes, that's what it was. And that's what I took it as. I'm like, okay, I don't have to have it all figured out. I don't have to necessarily feel like if I say something that is the wrong thing, then, oh, I need to go back into my shell. So I just kept trying and trying.
I recognize this theme we talk about, about uncomfortable conversation. I'm like, boy, am I uncomfortable every time I say something. And it was like, but at the end of the day, I felt good, but it was just a practice. And it's like, when you learn this, like when you are comfortable, that's never going to go away. You still want to have uncomfortable situations in life. It's just kind of finding a way to navigate through it. And once I learned, okay, as long as you, you know, like, I feel like listening to myself was really important because I used to like,
have like everything around me kind of trying to validate me my experience what I should be doing and now this day and social media it's just like everything tells you what you should be and so I'm like okay how can I practice showing up like who I truly am and what that means to me um and do that and that my voice was a part of it now it's like I started blogging I'm like girl
I'm not telling all my business out there. But I'm like, it's fine. It's fine. But it's just what was way in which I challenged myself to really like show up for myself. I like put myself out there knowing that I don't think I get to be out there. So like, I like to challenge myself. I'll do a challenge all day. Like, oh, okay. So yeah. You remind me of myself because it's like, girl, like on one hand, you don't want to be in front of people. On the other hand, here you are. Yeah.
Like here you are. But I do think there is something about no longer trusting the inner voice that says you can't.
And anytime that inner voice says that you can't do this or you shouldn't do this, I think part of me doing it anyway is in rebellion to my shame. It's in rebellion to my insecurity. It's in rebellion to my low self-esteem. It doesn't mean that I show up confidently. It doesn't mean that I show up feeling like I've got it all together. But what it means is that I would rather be dictated by faith than fear. So in order for me to escape my fears, I have to step into this unknown and I'm willing to do that.
And that's just a crazy thing to do. Like some people are like, how are you doing? I'm like, I'm crazy.
That's why. Like, just go for it. Let's just go for it. Like, I feel like I'm either or. Either I'm going to not do it or I'm just jumping off the bridge. I'm like, where's the in-between? I love you. I love you from a deep place because I literally have a group message with two of my friends who are connected with Woman Evolve. And it's like, we just be doing stuff. And it talks like Woman Evolve just be doing stuff because it's like, you know what? Let's go on tour. Like, girl,
Girl, why do you think that you should be on anybody's bus going from city to city? Like, who do you think you are? Like, let's start a podcast and now just be doing stuff. I have no in between. Like they tell me when I say I just want to dip my toe in the water that everyone gets scuba diving gear because I'm going to push you out of the boat. I don't know why they say that about me, but I guess it's true. But I think that's what challenges teaches us. Like stuff is not like the ordinary life. Like,
I did something where I was real high in the sky and I was like, girl, why you about to go up there? But it was like, because and worse so you can't go up there. So you better go up there or you're going to listen to the inner voice. So I'm always like fighting with the inner self and like, okay, no, I'm going to go up the den, but I
I'm like, okay, it's peace up here. So it was just like, every time you do do that jump, it's like, okay, this was worth it. It took a lot, but it was worth it. And then, so I, I started getting so caught up on like the process and letting the process just be the process. And once I started doing that, I'm like, okay, whatever is supposed to happen will, but not trying to necessarily control anything. Cause I like to control everything. I want everything to be how I want it to be because I feel like,
I'm going to do it the best I can. So, yeah. Do you think that that's how you build your self-esteem? Like you have to do the opposite of what low self-esteem says so that you can discover new parts of yourself as you activate esteem and confidence and maybe conversations, relationships, and even self-care that you didn't know that you could possess. Yeah.
Exactly. And it's really about like knowing what you need and what is that voice saying? Like instead of blocking it, listen to it. Like, what is it saying? And then like, why is it saying this? Because oftentimes once I figured out the why, that don't even make no sense. Like, so you sitting over here dwelling in something, you're sitting over here dwelling in something that
doesn't even like matter. It's not like, girl, calm down. Or like whatever the emotion is, it's like, I like to have these little pep talks with myself because what I used to do is I like run to talk to my friends and everybody and see what they thought and make their thoughts my thoughts. I don't even feel like that. So just really just honing in to your why I think will help you build your self-esteem because once you realize it's about you,
The self and esteem is you. And being able to celebrate you in that way, you will be able to just really thrive and who you want to be. Our next partner has a product I use literally every day. I started taking AG1 because I wanted to do more than just talk about wanting more energy or to be in better health. I wanted to do something about that thing.
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So you laid out something that was very practical. Instead of trying to suppress the voice or ignore the voice, honor the voice of your low self-esteem, tap into it, discover what it's trying to tell you. And then you get to choose whether or not it makes sense, whether or not it's true, whether or not it is anchored in what God says about you, or is it anchored in your fear? Can you give me a practical example of you having to walk this process out yourself? And if you give me one of yours, I'll give you one of mine.
Okay, cool, cool. Because I'm trying to think, where was I walking it out at? Because I don't want to generalize, because I know I always start with my journal and being able to just release and bring them. I always like to...
I can go first. You want me to go first? Go first. So, okay. So something recently happened on social media and I was convinced that it had ruined my ministry. I was convinced that everything was over, that it just like, you know what, this is it. Not because it was true, but because people were, it was gaining attention and traction and people were paying attention to it.
And so I started preparing for life outside of Woman Evolve. And I'm like, you know, I can cook. I can do hair. Maybe I should start getting my cosmetology license now. So that way, like if it goes down, I could try and get a job at a hair salon. Like maybe my friend Jason will let me work in his marketing department at his store. You had a whole plan since late. You have no idea. Like you think I'm joking and I'm giving you my God's honest truth.
And, you know, when I actually like said it out loud and it was like, what is this rooted in? Like, why are you having these thoughts? And I'm like, I'm afraid that people will lose the connection that we've built over the last few years that I've been doing this. I'm afraid that people won't trust me, won't believe me, won't believe that what I'm saying is true. And then I had God really...
it in my spirit. It's like, so are you afraid that something that I gave you, something that I blessed, something that I anointed is going to be taken away by some opinion? And I was like, oh, I guess that don't make sense. And so like my peace came in, like if God built it, it can't come down. And if God didn't build it, there's nothing that anyone can do to change the path of what's already set in motion. So that's like, that's where I found my peace. But I thought
was coming for me. Yeah, no, tell me about it. Then it just made me think of a situation. Well, not even a situation, just a lifestyle change. Last year in July, I decided to uproot my whole life. Child, I was making a fake move. When I told y'all I had to jump off the bridge, I jumped off the bridge. So,
I thought I was about to drown because I decided, okay, I'm tired of being in this state. This is not fulfilling me. I know what I'm passionate about and I want to chase that passion. And I just kept feeling like this urge and like the Holy Spirit guided me. And so I'm like, okay, Holy Spirit, we teaming up. We working together. So,
then. So that involved me giving up my job, giving up my apartment, my place in peace, and I wanted to relocate to the DMV area. So I'm thinking once I gave all this stuff up, boom, like,
Like, it was just, the miracle was just going to fall right in my lap. The miracle didn't fall in my lap. So the day I had to move out, I'm moving back in with my mom. So I'm overworking myself. I'm putting all these, doing all these applications. I'm doing all, forgetting about why I did it in the first place. And the guy was like, trying to,
really teach me trust and obedience because I could believe in God, but to be obedient when you in a season when you don't, when you like control so much, it wasn't the easiest for me. So I'm putting all this strain on my body. I'm losing weight. I decided to go vegan. Girl, I'm doing all these things. And I realized through all that, when I was just doing so much, I literally just had to like surrender and like, okay,
And then soon as I surrendered, I just felt just like a wave of like peace. And then everything started going in a line and I started just doing things more so with purpose. And that really helped build back my confidence because my confidence was like shattered. Once I started losing weight, my acne started, like it was so much happening. And it taught me like, you may go through seasons where you're not confident, but that don't mean you can't get right back on track. So just, yeah,
not necessarily focusing on the destination, but like really like just enduring. And I don't be liking to endure for a long time. Like I endure for a little bit, but I be like, Jesus, like, I'm done. We finished. Child, why I gotta be three months? It's six months now.
Why it got to be that long? So, but I told, because I guess God was teaching me patience too. And I think patience and sometimes it's being, go together because you have to be patient with yourself in order to seek out what it is that you need and want to be.
You said that when you were basically at your rock bottom in this recent season of your life, that that's how you begin to rebuild confidence. And somebody is like confused because it's like, sis, I'm rock bottom and it ain't no confidence nowhere to be found. I didn't try to Amazon Prime. It ain't on DoorDash. It ain't on Instacart. You try everything.
everything. Where is the confidence? How does your rock bottom become the place in which you begin to build confidence? What happened for you in that moment where you started building brick by brick the confidence that we're now experiencing? So what first it was like
I was literally like, once I did it, I was expected the miracle to fall. Even though I knew it didn't work like that, even though I felt guided to take just a super safe move and people, I know it's crazy, but then I kept, I kept validating myself. Like it got it. Believing in the unknown is crazy. So it has like,
I didn't want to necessarily give up my job. I still wanted some type of protector factor because I'm a planner. I'm going to plan everything out and I'm going to have every A, B, C, all the way to Z. But when I realized the thing that I did the most that kept me safe and sacred was gone, I'm like,
You kind of just kind of like, I feel like you just kind of surrender. Like you just like, okay, what can I do? Like you focus on what you can control instead of focus on the things that you can't control. I think I was focused on all the factors that I couldn't control. But when I was like, okay, I can control the things that I'm putting out and start building the things that I'm passionate about and just,
that's when things I just felt like started aligning for me but it was hard because my confidence was definitely shattered and then I went through like I felt like so much was happening to me all at one time I'm like am I going through a mid like crisis or something like I don't know I'll be hearing some podcasts when they talk about the salad all the stuff is it the moon like I was really just trying to
I had anything to like, you know, cling on to, but I just feel like I stuck to my guns, like journaling, devotional reading. And then I also like to listen, like I listen to a lot of like inspirational podcasts and things and like sermons throughout the week. So I just felt like, although those tools in the moment felt like they wasn't working, I kept doing them and then eventually, yeah,
they started like, you just, you start to lift up a little bit. So I feel like even when you do feel like rock bottom and you feel like everything is like, you feel like everything is just shattered to pieces. That's when you really build it up. I plan for me to be shattered. That's what I've been talking about with God. Like, cause he stayed trying to like teach me something in the moment when I'm trying to be taught. Yeah.
You know what I love about what you said is that it came piece by piece.
And I think that's P-I-E-C-E and also P-E-A-C-E, like piece by piece. Because, yeah, I do think that like when we lose our confidence after a bad breakup, a job loss, a business thing doesn't go the way that we expected. When we want our confidence back, we want it to come back at 100. Like I want a full tank of gas. Like don't give me no ounce by ounce, gallon by gallon. I want the full tank of confidence that I had
not realizing that those little drops do matter. And if we could pay attention to the little drops. So today I felt confident in the fact that I could get up out of the bed out of this depression. Today I felt confident that I can communicate about the best way to end the business and the best way to pay out the employees that
How to surrender to this heartbreak. I think those little pieces come together until you begin to rebuild not just your confidence, but your self-esteem, which again is self-respect. My ability to respect myself comes from me not surrendering to the grief of what didn't work, but really manifesting the power of what can still happen with what I have left.
Exactly. And knowing what works for you. Like for me, getting up in the morning, making sure I do some type of movement, make sure I have my live shot with coconut water. Like me doing some of these things, even when I didn't feel the greatest, like,
Although my mind wasn't necessarily in the right space, my body felt good. Even when it comes to being in alignment with the mind, body, soul, and spirit, sometimes the spirit may be high, but the body, you just feel a little sluggish. I just feel like you just have to work with what you have and know what that is that you need. Even if you don't know what you need, just ask yourself.
like, marinate on, like, sit still enough to receive it. And that was another important fact. I started passing stillness to a whole different level. Then I really started hearing God way clearer. And I'm like, wow, okay. Now I really feel guided. So it was just like...
Stillness is an incredible practice because it does allow you to really to detract and subtract yourself from the noise of life and to really allow yourself to honor what you're hearing, what you're feeling, and also to be filled up. I wonder, do you think or where do you think the line is between high self-esteem and arrogance? Like what is the difference between the two?
So I feel like arrogance is more so people feeling like they're too good to either do something, be around something, or, you know, like, experience something new. I feel like arrogance, like, it's when it's like, can't nobody tell you nothing. Like, you know how you have, sometimes you walk in a certain event or something, and it's just like, it's like a chip on the shoulder. Not because you don't have the sex need. Nobody say you didn't work for it, but do you have to act like that?
Like, character. Like, I think it comes down to character. Like, you can have everything you ever wanted. Things are working great for you. Or even the opposite. Nothing is working for you because there's some seasons where it's like, you like, ain't nothing happening for me. But still, like, being able to know that you are good enough for that, I think that lies the difference. Like, the worth in it. Like, you can...
Know that you are worthy of something, even when it's not happening. And as far as the arrogant part, when you know that you are worthy of it, but your character just make it seem like, I don't know, it's like, it's really like your character is really demeaning.
That's what I would say. Okay. So I hate to interrupt all of this good conversation, but I wanted you to know that I want to talk to you too. I want to hear your story. I want to hear your thoughts and opinions. You can send me your application, your video to be a co-host to podcast.
Podcasts at womanevolved.com. Let me know what it is you want to talk about, why it's important to you that you be on the podcast. Maybe you're like, girl, I am not going to be on anybody's podcast. I don't do talking to people. First of all, this is a sign. Overcome yourself. But if not, you can send me an advice question. Podcasts at womanevolved.com. Okay, let's get back to the podcast.
I love the difference between the two that you shared there, because I do think that if you're like me and you've suffered from low self-esteem, sometimes we think that high self-esteem is arrogance. Like to be proud of who you are or to have respect and boundaries. Like, I don't want to come off as arrogant. I don't want to act like I'm brand new, like I'm acting different. But to have self-respect is not to diminish or demean the other people around.
Right.
Where are you now? People are shaming for that sometimes. They will. That's what I don't like. They will. I learned that and that's what, like, it started becoming this thing where once you start feeling that confidence, like, you're smiling, you're walking out shit, people are like, why are you happy?
I can't be happy today. Like, I can't, you know, they feel like you're pretending, but a lot of times that's a reflection of them and not of you, but it's still, you know, like you still kind of feel some type of way. Like, because it's like, dang, I'm working all hard on myself. You don't just come over and think you could just step on me like an ant or something. Like, I wonder, you said you were going through a tough season. Where are you now in your journey, in your story?
So I'm still, I'm out. I feel like I'm out the dungeon, but I'm still like working my way alongside the river. I'm still not where I want to be. I'm still not in a state that I want to still didn't get the pay or the job that I want. But what I, but I started focusing on like what I am doing. So like, I'm like, okay,
I am building my business. I am making sure I'm showing up every day for my self-care and doing the things that my mind, body, soul is spearing in. And I'm making sure I'm just enjoying my circumstances and what I have for the moment. Like I'm appreciating the now. Like, okay, the future will get there and what I want. But really just taking the time to appreciate the now. And I think that's what really helped me grow.
gain a little bit more confidence because I'm like, I'm not going to be here forever. So just take it like that word patience. Just be able to take your time and not put a timeline on it because I kept putting little timelines on certain things. And I think a lot of people do that too. Like, oh, I'm going to feel better by next week. Sometimes you ain't feeling better next week. So it's just like giving yourself the time and grace for what you need and that space and what you need. I think a workout instead of just forcing yourself to
feel better or feel like, oh, and then especially when people ask you like, oh, what are you doing? I'm still at my mom's. Still there. Did you really give up your housing? Yes, I did. Why? Girl, it was faith. That's crazy. I know. Yeah.
You know, I don't think that there is anything more soul shaking than entering into the world of entrepreneurship because you just find out everything you don't know and how difficult it is to even make noise so that people can hear about whatever it is that you do. So I want to ask you, what is it that you do? What is this business that you're building?
So my business is self-care lifestyle. I coach black women who wants to invest in their self-care to become a source of self-love, self-worth and self-awareness. And I do that through newsletters, workshops and toolkits. And what you said about self-care.
just being able to get in front of people working with an auditor especially when you being truthful and vulnerable like the things I say on my post and then when they talk to me on like the workshop what I do they be like
You really are down to earth person. I'm like, yeah, like I don't want y'all to think just because I'm putting this information out there that I'm not living by it. So I just feel like I'm true and authentic to my brand. And I just really want to create and cultivate those safe space where we can be able to have those vulnerable conversations.
Because oftentimes, like with me, just being that voice, being silent, I'm like, if I could cultivate a space where women don't have to be silenced and they could come and talk about trauma, they could come and talk about what they like. But they also come and talk about their success. I think it just shows some balance and bring back that, you know.
That state of, I feel like, urgency that we need in order to feel safe. So if you could go back in time to the girl who needed this space, she needed this environment, she needed the opportunity to be able to vocalize how she was feeling. What do you know now that you would tell her about what?
Whatever it is she was experiencing, whether it was, you know, the relationship dynamic with your parent or, you know, the homelessness. Like, what is it that you would say to her? I'm like, it's funny because when I was going through the childhood trauma, I didn't know was childhood trauma. Like, I didn't learn that until I got to college. And so, yeah.
When I think about what would I tell that girl now, because I will always have outlets. And I think that's why I'm really big on toolkits and knowing like, okay, you can reach out to different things to help you hone back into yourself. And that's how I birthed my business. But
I would really tell that girl to really keep finding those outlets. Outlet for me was school. Like knowing I had a safe space and then we had after school program, even though technology didn't, but just being involved, even though we couldn't afford like none of the sports and stuff after school, I could go to the center and have a space to still do club and programs and stuff like that. It's so crazy. That's the type of work that I do now. Literally like programming director and being able to give back. So it's like,
It always come back full circle. But it was important for me to have those outlets because everything now, child, with the kids now, everything costs. So just being able to find those programs, especially as a child or if you have children, when kids almost talk to me, all they do is want you to listen to them nine times out of 10. They just want you to take five minutes to listen.
And then, so every time I'll come home, I mean, to work and all the kids listening, all they want to do is talk. So I'm like,
let me just listen to what they got to say. Cause I ain't nobody want else want to hear them. That's all what they used to say. I'm going off on a tangent, but yeah, I would just say find the outlets. Okay. So I want to ask you something. And then we have an advice question that we'll answer together. But you said that you did not know when you were a child, that what you were experiencing was childhood trauma that you didn't find out until you were an adult. And I think that I, um,
can relate to that. I think that I didn't see some of the things that I went through as trauma either until I came into adulthood and realized how much it shaped my esteem or broke my esteem or broke my belief in self. When you discovered that it was trauma,
Did it take you some time to embrace it? Did you feel like I don't want to call it trauma? I don't want to own that. Like, I don't want to speak that over my life. Or were you able to embrace it pretty quickly? Because I feel like for me, I was like, I don't know if that's real trauma. Like, I don't know if that's trauma. Like, it's not trauma trauma. It's only like, well, it's like trauma. But being able to really embrace that, I think has made me more compassionate over myself. Yeah.
For me, when I recognized it was trauma, you know, therapy, they do like an ACE test or something like that. And they like check out the ones you experience. I'm in a training, by the way, I'm in a training doing the test to help youth that's in crisis, high risk situations.
I checked off every single box on the list and I'm like, but I ain't crazy though. Like all these things y'all say that people can have, I'm like, I'm perfectly fine. And so I just feel like don't put a stigma attached to yourself until you really know yourself. And for me, when I first recognized that it was trauma, I think it released something on me because I was, I went to a HBCU, HBCU and they,
it was always space cultivated for people to talk about their trauma. When I first heard people talk about their trauma, I'm like, no, they're not out here putting their business out here. But it freed me. It really helped me be able to see, okay, that wasn't right. That wasn't right. That wasn't right. But okay, what can I do to make it right? How can I shift? Because I think a lot of times we talk about like,
oh, I don't want this to be like them or do this, but to actually walk in that path was completely different. And I'm like, I'm choosing to walk in that path. And when I chose to do that, I think, um,
That's when I really, I think myself, that's when myself revealed itself to me. I feel like it revealed itself to me. Yeah. Okay. I wanted to ask that because I feel like there's a lot of inner healing work going on. I think especially for women, Black women in spaces where we're finally acknowledging some of the pains and wounds of our culture
and of our individual stories. And I think there's something powerful about saying this was trauma. Like this was not something I should have seen, witnessed or experienced. And yet it is a part of my story and owning that takes a lot of work.
Exactly. And not letting it define you, but allow it to make you who you are. Like, that's how I look at it. Like, yeah, but I don't have to necessarily like keep that trauma alive by trying to live by it, but just being able to know who I am within it. Yeah. Finding
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Okay, here's our advice question. This isn't easy for me to talk about, but my therapist thinks it will be helpful for me to open up about my past in order to heal. I am 29 years old and in an amazing, healthy relationship with a man who I love dearly and who loves me. I have grown so much in my faith and just as a woman in general with loving and valuing myself.
My issue is that I still struggle with forgiving myself for the sins of my past. I have had many partners and I'm not proud of this. I know that when I was younger, I was feeling a void and I liked the attention that men gave me. But now that I know my worth, it's hard for me to come to terms with who I used to be. How can I move forward and forgive myself for my past? Thank you for reading. Thank you. How can she move forward and forgive herself for her past? Mm-hmm.
you know, stop holding on to it. Like I would definitely say it happened. A lot of times I, sometimes I feel like we overcomplicate things. And if we look at the situation, okay, I did that. I understand why I did that. Now let me process on what that looks like moving forward. Like girl, you was in a healthy relationship. Do you know if that means to be in a healthy relationship? Like just, just,
Making sure that you understand your now and stop being so focused on the present, I think will just help you just come alive. Like, yeah, I did that, but now I'm doing this. And when you have that confidence, then it's like, OK, you coming through since you're not being defined on what has happened and you choosing to walk forward in spite of what has happened to be who you want to be.
So that's what I would say to her. Okay. So this is going to be like the first time in Woman Evolved podcast because the way that I'm going to start mine off is going to sound like I disagree with what you said, but I don't. I just have a different angle, a different perspective that I would like to offer because I think that you were telling her to let it go and to not hang on to it. And I actually think she should do the opposite. I think she should hang on to it. Wow. Yeah, I know, right? That's why I said this is going to be groundbreaking. Yeah.
I only say that because I spend a lot of time trying to distance myself from my past, from the relationships, from the promiscuity. Like I was like, I don't want that to be me. I hate that version of myself. She was this, she was that, whatever. And I think in the process of doing that, that I internalized a hatred for my own pain. I internalized a hatred for my own self.
And so instead, what I have been challenged to do in the more recent years of my life is to embrace that side of who I was, but to not punish myself in the embracing, but to rather see it from the lens of pain and compassion. So now when I think about those things that used to make me cringe or like, how could you have done that? You just met that person or how could you do that?
I think to myself, wow, I was in so much pain that I was willing to do that in order to fix that pain. And I honor the fact that I no longer experience that pain or that I know how to deal with that pain in a healthy way. And so for me, hanging on to my past has actually helped me to honor the growth of my present because I realized that the pain that I experienced as a girl,
And the pain that I experienced in those moments did change me. They did shape me, but they also allowed me to find purpose and to recognize that humility and vulnerability don't have to be scary.
Right, right. And I agree with that because it's like you're investing in a why you did that in order to move forward. Yeah. So I definitely, I definitely agree with that because oftentimes when you don't know the why, you kind of ruminate on just thoughts and oh my gosh, is this a healthy relationship or should I be doing it? Because I have those, I've been through a few toxic relationships and I realized toxic looks different for everybody. So,
understanding that and what she was saying about trying to fill that void like I felt that on a spiritual level because I'm like okay I tried to fill a few voids myself but understanding like what you're saying that why has helped me be able to push through in order to be that woman I want and not feel like I have to okay since I did that in the past I can't show up as this I can't demand this type of respect or these type of boundaries or doing things totally different from how I used to do it
It's like spend less time focusing on what you did and more time focusing on why you did it so that you can see. Because if we don't focus on why we did it, then we may not be promiscuous anymore. But now we're workaholics or we're alcoholics. You know what I mean? Like we just moved to something else, but the void is still there. And I think when we learn to hold on to that void, to figure out how it got there and to most importantly, allow the love of God to fill it and to transform us and change us, then it's like, yeah, my
price is still high and yes no I still don't take anything because at the end of the day that void has been filled so I am whole through Jesus and now you gonna have to come wholly correct to me or get out my face because I'm not hurt no more okay and I feel like they're gonna make that a clip or even people that she probably know probably remember you used to yeah I remember and that's my business and I'm gonna move forward in what I know now so it's just like
Just being able to be free yourself through what has happened to you. Like, I think it'll be amazing for you because it's like you've given yourself that credit and,
In order to do that. And I feel like that's very freeing. Okay. So before we go, I want to pick your brain. This is your business. This is what you do. How do we become self-aware and discover self-love in a way that changes the way that we see ourselves and others in the world?
OK, I love that question because I feel like it's near and dear to my soul. But for me, in order to love myself, I have to be aware of myself. And so I had to first understand what my needs were. I had to know how to identify my emotions by putting a word to it, because oftentimes it's like I'm feeling some type of way, but I don't know anything.
what I'm actually feeling. I'm just feeling. So just being able to identify a word with what you feel and why. Then being able to invest in that trauma. Like I talk about these are like my five things I do to invest in your self-care. Then I talk about their trauma, like understanding what has happened to you in ways in which that shows up so you can know that
how to cope with your triggers. And all of this is not an overnight process. It's a lifetime process. It's about the journey, not the destination. I love to say that because people, I just want to feel better tomorrow. Okay, you get there. Just start with the simple things today. But also, um,
The last two was just understanding what you value so you can know what place you want to operate out of. Oftentimes, I feel like I was operating out of all these different things that didn't matter because I wasn't listening to knowing what my beliefs were. So if you believe in faith, operate out of faith and walk in those paths. Not saying you're going to be perfect, but knowing what that looks like. And then lastly, being able to have
have a regimen, like knowing what works for you. Like, how do you like to listen to yourself and investing in that toolkit? If you need to learn and grow, make sure you're following pages or going to workshops or sermons, like investing in these toolkits that allow you to get to know yourself
Like I get to know myself in various different ways, whether it's stillness, whether it's journaling, whether it's listening to a sermon or attending a workshop or reading a book. It's like you can find yourself through things. But understanding that that love for you is being able to take care of you by investing in what works for you. Oh, that was kind of a bar actor. And I didn't plan that. Yeah.
Indeed it was. Khadijah, you are my girl. I love you. I love the work that you're doing. Thank you for taking this time to talk to me. I am so hopeful that this conversation about self-esteem is going to be restorative for women, that it is going to fuel them with hope and that they're going to be able to embrace themselves even more. So thank you for your gift today. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. Okay. You take care. Bye. Bye.
Kadeedra, thanks for hopping into the co-host seat and sharing your light with me and the delegation. You are certainly appreciated. If you or someone you know is down to either help me co-host or if there's an advice question you'd like for me to try to answer, hit my inbox at podcast at womanevolved.com with a one to two minute video about being my next co-host. Or you can send me an advice question that you'd like for me to answer.
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