Healing Your Mother Wound w/ Alyson Brown
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The podium is back with fresh angles and deep dives into Olympic and Paralympic stories you know, and those you'll be hard-pressed to forget. I did something in '88 that hasn't been beaten. Oh, gosh. The US Olympic Trials is the hardest and most competitive meet in the world. We are athletes. We're going out there smashing into each other full force.

Listen to The Podium on the iHeart app or your favorite podcast platform weekly and every day during the games to hear the Olympics like you've never quite heard them before. God can't bless who you pretend to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. I feel that for somebody.

You don't need no edge entity, you need boundaries. What? I don't need your likes, I don't need your validation. All I need is a God fighting for me that says all things, things, all things. Child.

So this podcast is Woman Evolve. And while it certainly centers around the individual journey of a woman who is becoming the best version of herself, I have to acknowledge that womanhood is so directly connected to our relationship with our mothers.

whether that relationship be amazing, somewhat frayed or complicated. It's difficult to truly understand who you are as a woman without fully examining the relationship you've had with your mother. A

A lot of times we hear on social media or we see little posts or graphics. It's like, be the change you want to see in the world. And that's powerful. It's beautiful. It's something that I subscribe to. But there's also something to be said about being the change that you needed.

When I begin this conversation with Alison Brown, I am fully aware that she has stepped into the reality of being the change that she needed, specifically as it related to what she needed from her mother.

One of the things that I love about this conversation is that it gives space not for us to condemn any mothers who are on a journey, but rather to see them as women who are finding themselves just like us, who are doing the best they can with the pieces that they have. And there are moments where those pieces, the sharp, jagged edges of their identity rub up against our vulnerability and indeed a wound is created.

But as you will learn, just because you have been wounded doesn't mean that it is the end. Through this conversation, I pray that you will be inspired to be the change that you needed as well. Not by waiting on someone else to do it, but by trusting that God can empower you to go back in time and to heal the very pieces of your life that he knew could be restored. Are you ready to go into the surgery room? I promise it won't be as painful as it looks.

Let's take a moment and dig into Allison's story. Hello. How are you, Pastor Sarah? I'm doing great. Thank you. How are you? Doing wonderful. Doing wonderful. I'm really excited to speak with you. I've heard amazing things about the work you're doing.

Thank you so much. I am so honored to be having this conversation with you. Oh, please. We're like, I'm about to be so far in your business. We're going to be homegirls when this is over. I'm kidding. Well, I'm glad you said that because we've been besties in my head for a decade. What's up? At least. At least.

Okay, Allison, I have found through lots of therapy, emotional trauma work, and just sorting through my own

pain in history that what I needed the most when I was a kid was language to really express what I needed. And as an adult, having received language, I have been able to identify some of the needs that I had then but couldn't express. I know that you've done a lot of work, a lot of growth and development yourself. And so I'm wondering, what is it that you needed but couldn't express when you were a kid?

Oh, man, there were so many things, mostly understanding. And that's a big ask as a kid. So beyond that, maybe even curiosity from those around me, from my community to at least try to understand, you know, what I what I could maybe express of a child or what I couldn't.

directly ask for, you know, I absolutely needed affection. I needed, um, gentleness, you know? Um, and I think oftentimes we expect specifically in our childhood, we sometimes expect, expect kids to be able to regulate their emotions, to be able to respond in an adult way. Um,

and unfortunately sometimes our community responds as if we should know better or we should have matured beyond the phase we're in um and I remember just always feeling like man like

there yet, wherever that place is, but now I understand that I wasn't supposed to be anywhere beyond where I was. So I really just needed gentleness and patience and affection and for someone to come where I was and to lean into the space that I was instead of me always feeling like I needed to acquiesce or get to this space that I just wasn't prepared for or ready for yet. Man, that is...

spot on for so many of us. When they were first telling me about you, they were telling me that you are the creator of healing from a mother wound.

And some of those things that you listed sound like an opportunity for a parental figure to really help a child translate what's happening to them or to serve them as they are discovering what they need. Can you tell me a little bit about your journey of having a mother wound and then moving from a place of not just having it, but healing from it?

Yeah, yeah. So firstly, let me express what exactly a mother wound is. That language may not be familiar to everyone. It certainly wasn't familiar to me. I had one, but didn't know what it was until probably maybe, I don't know, four or five years ago. I didn't know what it was until I was a little girl.

found a mother wound as an emotional injury created by a generational deficit in the mother-child dynamic, mother-child relationship that then causes self-critical, controlling and codependent behaviors and I

of course, developed this as a child due to emotional neglect. Abandonment doesn't always look like physical abandonment or physical rejection. It could be just not getting the attention you needed. We all come into this world with a set of needs and when those needs aren't met, there's a void there, right? Regardless of one's intent.

There's just a void there. So that's what a mother wound is. And my healing from that, unfortunately, in the early stages of me coming into the awareness of this, I thought that because it was a mother wound, my mother was then responsible for taking care of it and for healing it and doing her part so that I can be fixed.

And I made a lot of mistakes and had a lot of bumps in this journey trying to change the other party instead of going inward and being introspective and understanding that though this wound was caused by another party, it is my wrong. It is my responsibility to heal and overcome it.

and thankfully God has walked me through this journey, which is why I then developed this program to help others overcome. And he walks me through having to firstly acknowledge, like, how does this show up for me? What does it look like? What does this mother one look like? Because, you know,

a full grown adult you know what I'm saying why am I still being so impacted by things that happened 20-30 years ago I don't understand make it make sense so whether it was perfectionism or codependency or recreating my mother child dynamic in other relationships whether that was romantic relationships or friendships or even at work you know I had to understand how it showed up for me

And then God walked me through having to not only forgive my mother for not being what I needed, but also grieving what I thought I was supposed to have. Grieving what, in my mind, is fairytale mother-child dynamic. You know, this is bad.

relationship whatever that looks like for each person I had to grieve that and then come into acceptance of what I do have right because I do I do have a mother I do have an amazing mother who gave me incredible things so now I have to come into acceptance of that this is what I do have how can I come to appreciate all of what she did give me and then move beyond that and um

several other steps but i don't want to get too far ahead of myself but yeah that's a bit about um my journey and experiencing a mother wound i have about eighteen hundred thousand eleven questions okay um where do i want to begin i want to ask you okay so going through life we experience all types of wounds wounds from

friends, wounds from teachers, wounds from other family members. What is it about a mother wound that makes it particularly devastating and altering to our identity? That is such a wonderful question. What makes the mother wound so impactful is that clearly, you know, this is the person who brought us into this world, right? And

for whatever reason, we come in with these innate expectations of our mother that she will protect, provide, or whatever that list may be for you, for anyone. We just have this innate expectation. And when those aren't met, it's like, dang. And so,

And honestly, some of those expectations are fair, right? Even the word speaks of, you know, it implies, like when the Lord says, even though your mother may forget you, I won't, you know, it implies that there's something, there's an implication, like she wasn't really supposed to forget you. You know what I mean? Like there was, she was supposed to be this person that did X, Y, Z, right? And I think what makes it so much more impactful is that this is her blood, you know, and,

It's different versus a, you know, a professional colleague or a teacher or a friend. It's just different when it's the person that you share so much with biologically, spiritually, relationally. It's just beyond impactful. And also this particular one, I think.

I think in other scenarios, as you mentioned, those may be a little bit isolated, but the mother wound impacts literally everything. I have a friend who's also into similar work, and he says our fathers shape our identity, our internal world. Our mothers shape our external world. So how we show up is a direct reflection oftentimes of...

Our mother-child dynamic, so how we show up at work, how we show up in a room, it's a direct reflection of what has been poured into us from our mother. So our identity, we may be getting from our father, our heavenly father, our natural fathers, but how we're showing up externally, a lot of times that's based on our mother's.

Okay.

We're checking out. I'm checking off the list. I'm holding these questions in my head because I want to understand part of the definition that you gave me for a mother wound included a generational pattern. And I didn't, I don't want to quote you, but what I took from it is there's a generational dynamic that is at play and why this emotional injury occurs in the first place. Break that down for me. Absolutely. Absolutely. Um,

I think it's very important to specify that this injury isn't something that is isolated to two people, mother and child. It goes far beyond that. If you have a mother wound, your mother has a mother wound. Nine times out of ten, it is something that has been passed down because we don't do it on purpose, but we pass it on.

And unfortunately, we have people coming into the space of parenthood with all of their stuff. And unfortunately, sometimes that stuff includes their own woundedness. And oftentimes, if we are...

blessed enough to have grandparents, oftentimes we can see the exact same pattern play out. What we're experiencing from our mothers, if we listen close enough, they are experiencing the exact same thing from their mother. And that's where grace comes in. It's like, oh, man, you just do it. You just do what you know to do. You know what I mean? You didn't know any better.

you're also hurt, you know? So let me take a step back, deal with my stuff and show you grace and compassion. And hopefully that'll give you the opportunity, my mother, the opportunity to come into the space of her own healing. And we can maybe do our, you know, do these things together because she is also very wounded. And when, when God showed me the biggest part of my forgiveness is,

part of that journey was when God showed me that my mom was just a woman. Yeah. Like so many of us look at our mothers as just mothers and it's like, they are just regular old people who just trying to figure it out, you know? Um,

And especially if, you know, maybe the child wasn't like a very strategic plan. Maybe, you know, we just came along. My parents absolutely were married, but I'm not sure that like it was like, all right, yeah, we don't have Allison. So it's like we just come along and they're just figuring it out and doing their very, very best with all of it because they're still navigating within parenthood.

still navigating all this stuff right um so yes it is absolutely generational and i think that's why it's important to acknowledge that so that we can then be very cognizant and aware so that we don't then pass down the same woundedness now you mentioned making a lot of mistakes when you first realized you had a mother wound so i want to talk a little bit about the discovery of your mother wound

Like how did you wake up one day and was like, wait a minute, this is an emotional injury from generational implications of my, like how did you?

you? How did you pinpoint it to your relationship with your mother? And then I want to know, how did your mom respond to you having a mother wound? So I've always known that my relationship with my mom wasn't the most common, right? Like growing up, we all would have that like, oh my God, I can't say my mom, right? But mine was a bit more specific and it was a bit more

I remember watching how in school, whether I was a teenager or middle school, how the kids would complain about their mom.

But then at the same, in the same breath, tell their moms everything. They acted like friends. And it's like, wait, I don't, I thought you didn't like her. We different. Like, wait, I don't have that, that, that restoration piece, that, that reconciliation piece that y'all are having. Y'all are going back to her and y'all are just really kicking it.

And there's a disconnect for me. So I always knew there was a difference, but I did not know it was a mother wound or the implications of it until probably about five or so years ago. And it really was more of like a future revelation. Like, wait a minute. This relationship is showing up everywhere. It's

I thought it was isolated, which I can just tuck it away and deal with it or not deal with it. Cause you know, we can just not deal with this. So I kind of just tucked it away until I realized this is showing up in my dating. It's showing up in my work. It's showing up as perfectionism. It's showing up in like this codependency. Where is this coming from? And I, it, I remember starting my therapy journey, right? I went to therapy in 2018 and,

because I needed to be fixed. I was like, something is off, something, someone needs to fix me. And in therapy is when you know that onion starts being unlayered. It's like, wait a minute, I came here for one thing. How are we back at two years old? How are we back at five years old? And that's when I began to understand this anxiety isn't random. This thing has followed you from my own

My earliest memories, you know, these patterns, these cycles you're experiencing, they aren't random. This thing was planted in your childhood. And a lot of it stems from your earliest relationships inside your home. So that's how I came into the awareness of it. And again, like I said, I was like, all right, well, mama, you fix it then. I remember...

I remember, um, by, you know, going, going to my own development and then getting the boldness and the courage to not so much confront her. I was, I thought I was doing the right thing by saying, you know what? I'm not going to confront her. I'm going to say, you know what? Let's get a third party to help us heal because I'm ready to do the work. These are the words I'm using to my mama. Do the work. What do you mean do the work?

So I asked her to come to therapy with me. I'm like, you know, I'm in therapy. I don't always communicate the right way to her because of so many years of just, you just get hard over the years. So it's like, let me just get a third party to help us. That was not a good idea. Okay. Because even with my good intentions to really try and get us on the same page and help us communicate better, it's,

I realized that I was needing her to see what she did and to then change so that I can become better. And it was a therapist in that session who was like, you, my dear, need to go on an inner child healing journey. You grown now. She's done her part.

Now it's on you sis. It ain't fair. I'm not saying it's fair, but this is you. This is your stuff. This is your stuff now sis. I mean, if she wanted to come to therapy, cool, but you can heal without this other party ever changing. So yes, to answer your question, it did not really go over well because again,

I come from a two parent home, upper middle class home, a believing home. People, my parents are in ministry. Right. So it's like, what you got to complain about? You've had everything you needed. Right. Uh,

your financial needs were provided for, your college was taken care of, right? So not just my mom, but so many people are like, huh, what? I don't understand. I don't understand why you're mad or why you're hurt. And it's like, I'm not mad. Let's just, we have to acknowledge that this thing that happened, this real thing that happened in the midst of all of what you did do right, there was still something that happened and we got to deal with it. But I have just learned, though, that

Whether or not she wants to come on this journey, I can still heal. And that is what I want to share with others. Whoever wounded you, you can heal without them ever changing. And that's what this whole week is about. We're talking about like being the change that we needed. And so once you came to this realization, like, okay, this is my responsibility. This is what happened to me. You've taken inventory and assess the damage. How do you then begin to reverse it?

man, um, like I was saying earlier, it was of course, acknowledging how it shows up. And then, um, a lot of the change happened when I began to shift my perspective. And I've, I've already spoken to that a little bit. Um, but I had to shift my perspective of not just my mom, but also of myself and of God. I had to become to see God differently. Um,

Because of our raising, I saw God as this, like, tyrant, this person who was always trying to get me, always looking to see where I had failed so that he can then, you know, get his rod, you know? And that's a direct reflection of the peripheral dynamic, right? One of my former therapists told me that our parents are often our skin gods, right?

So they're the closest thing we have, right, as a reflection of who God is. And unfortunately, that reflection isn't always the appropriate one or the accurate one.

So I had to change my perspective of who God was, and I began to see him as someone who absolutely was for me, not just someone who was trying to force me to become something, but someone who was for me, who was pushing me gently, who was Abba, who was a really good, good father, and also a good mother to me. He's amazing.

Right. So I had to shift my perspective of who God is to me. And I was about to shift my perspective of who my mom was, which I've already spoken about. She's just a woman trying to figure it out. And also shifting my perspective of who I am. Like, yes, this thing had happened, but I don't have to remain a victim. I can overcome that. I can now become whatever it is I want to become. I can now give myself everything.

everything I needed, right? There are deficits, yes. There are voids to fill, but God has granted me or has poured out abundance in emotional abundance, spiritual abundance. I have everything I need. So sure, I didn't get this from my mother. Sure, I didn't get this from my father, but God has also placed me in great community, and God has also allowed me to give myself those things.

so I'm no longer going to place demands on external beings to give me something that I already have within right so did I need affection yes but I can get that I can also get that elsewhere I can get that within did I need quality time yes but now I can get that within did I need and do I still need acceptance absolutely but now I'm practicing radical self-acceptance right I'm

not going to wait anymore. I'm just not waiting no more to be loved, to be wanted, to be accepted. I'm going to give myself that and also accept that God has also given me that as well. I am deeply loved. I am deeply cared for. I am deeply sought after, right? So that is a lot of the ways that I've healed and overcome and reversed the trauma that is the mother wound.

When you said earlier, you probably didn't even realize it, but that you were talking about the mother wound. And then you said to me, I have an amazing mother. And I feel like part of the indicators that you have embarked on a successful inner child healing journey is when you're able to look at your villain and see them as amazing and

even with their flaws in full sight and to be able to say you didn't do everything well you are not perfect but you were absolutely amazing and I think part of the fear that parents possess is if I didn't do this well then are you going to throw everything away and I think that's what makes them hesitant to engage in the conversations that adult children want to have about the areas where

where they experienced a void. I did the best I could. Somebody else was home. Somebody else went through this. Somebody else was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't do that. No, you didn't physically harm me. Maybe you didn't sexually harm me. Yes, I did eat dinner, but there were other things that I needed that don't take away from what you did do well. But I think it's so powerful to say, you know what? I'm not even asking you to fix it.

I've made you aware of this being the journey I'm going on, and I'm going to take care of it myself. You know, I think that that's the reparenting that makes us all better. Yes. Yes. We have to reparent our inner child. We have to. We have to. And that's what all this is, right, is reparenting. And we get to do that in so many beautiful ways. And I have found that this reparenting doesn't have to be so rigid and so...

I've just learned that healing can also be fun too, right? Like there were things, there were small things in my childhood that I wanted growing up as a PK. There were just things that I didn't get to experience because we was in church and we was always in church. There are little things that, um,

I didn't get to experience. And even in my adulthood, I find myself like, you know what? I can do that now. Small example, growing up in the South, there was always the Battle of the Bands every year. And I always wanted to go see the Battle of the Bands, but it was always on a Sunday. So it's out of the question. Like we're just not doing it. Not doing it. Last year for the first time in my life, I finally went to the Battle of the Bands all

on a Sunday and it was just so amazing. And it's those little things like I had, I was like a little kid in the candy store. I had so much fun. And it's like, Oh, this is healing too. It's not just the confronting and the deconstructing and the tearing down and rebuilding. It's those little moments of healing where it's like, wait, I have everything I need. Like I'm, I'm doing this. I'm healing. Like even at, you know, whether it's,

in the ocean for the first time. Whatever the thing is, it's like we can give ourselves that now. We're not stuck. We are not stuck. We full grown now. We can do the things. Okay, so I have a question for you, Allison. As you've been on this journey of healing your mother wound, I

Outside of your mother, who has obviously played a part in your healing, as much maybe of a part as she did in your wounding just by giving you space to do it and inspiring the work that is allowing you to touch others. So much honor to her, your amazing mother. Outside of her, what woman would you say has been most impactful in helping you on your healing journey?

There are, there, there's quite the list. Um, Kalita Forbes comes to mind. Um, she, I think literally one message of hers changed the trajectory of my entire life. It was, she preached the message at, um,

What was the conference called? It was in Chicago. World Changes Conference. I want to say in 2019, I didn't go, but I remember buying the conference package to get to look at the replays. And she preached a message called The Resurrection of the Wounded. And it changed everything for me. It changed everything. It changed the game for me. I remember being on my living room floor, like leg prostrate, just like ball

bawling my eyes out because it was like she was speaking directly, directly to me. And I had never heard anyone break down dry bones the way she broke that text down at EZQ. And yeah, she has been so influential to me and in my journey. Of course, I cannot be talking to you and not say you. No, you're not allowed to say me. Can't say me, can't say your mom. Okay.

I want to find that message, though. It sounds really powerful. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And, you know, we listen to good words. We hear good things all the time. But it's something when I remember the exact name of the person, the exact text. Like, it was so, so, so, so powerful. Who also has been influential, you know,

is Melissa Frederick. She is an influencer. She is the wife of comedian Kevin on stage. Most people know her, but her journey has been so beautiful to watch. Her evolution has been so beautiful to watch and so encouraging. She is another one who has been just like, okay, yeah, I can do this. I can shift and pivot and change and evolve and evolve again and evolve again. And yeah,

Yeah, those two women right there. Absolutely. Well, if you had to tell them in one sentence what you hope they know about the role that they've played on your journey, what would it be? Oh, that one got me teary. Oh, man. Thank you. Thank you for your yes.

Because them displaying, specifically Melissa Frederick, displaying their vulnerabilities and evolving in front of us, it gave, it was everything. It was everything to give us the freedom to, especially as Christian women, specifically Christian black women, there are so many things that, so many barriers and barriers.

for us unfortunately so to see people like her to just like break against all those bears like I don't care about none of this I am a Christian woman yes and dot dot dot dot dot right um so yes I would just say thank you for your yes thank you for showing us thank you for inviting us in the journey thank you because it was a game changer

Well, Allison, you're a game changer. I'm so excited for all the work that you're going to do in helping women grow and become the best version of themselves. Thank you for spending some time with me today. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate you so much. My pleasure. Take care.

Alison, sis, we appreciate you for setting the time aside to hang with us. I had a blast and you are clearly a change agent, undeniably so. I know so many listeners connected to this podcast are now motivated to curate safe spaces in the lives of others. Thank you for creating a safe space while they're on their journey of healing.

I look forward to hearing how this podcast is helping you heal. Make sure you drop us a line on the socials or send us an email at podcast at woman evolved.com. We'll chat soon. Take care.

Most deals are barely worth mentioning. But then there's AT&T's best deal on the new Samsung Galaxy Z Flip 6 featuring FlexCam with Galaxy AI. You can get it on them when you trade in your eligible smartphone any year, any condition. It's a deal so good you'll be shouting!

So grab a ladder and learn how to get that new phone on AT&T. AT&T, connecting changes everything. Requires trade-in of Galaxy S, Note, or Z series smartphone. Limited time offer, 256 gigabytes for $0. Additional fees, terms, and restrictions apply. See att.com slash Samsung or visit an AT&T store for details.

The podium is back with fresh angles and deep dives into Olympic and Paralympic stories you know, and those you'll be hard pressed to forget. I did something in '88 that hasn't been beaten. Oh gosh, the US Olympic trials is the hardest and most competitive meet in the world. We are athletes, we're going out there smashing into each other full force.

Listen to The Podium on the iHeart app or your favorite podcast platform weekly and every day during the games to hear the Olympics like you've never quite heard them before.

In 2020, in a small California mountain town, five women disappeared. I found out what happened to all of them, except one. A woman known as Dia, whose estate is worth millions of dollars. I'm Lucy Sheriff. Over the past four years, I've spoken with Dia's family and friends, and I've discovered that...

Everyone has a different version of events. Hear the story on Where's Dear? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.