Delicacy of Sisterhood w/ Lori Roberts
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can't bless who you pretend to be or who you compare yourself to he can only bless you and the lane that was created for you I feel that for somebody you don't need no edge entity you need boundaries what I don't need your likes I don't need your validation all I need is a God fighting for me that says all things child

Oh, now I know I didn't tell y'all to mind y'all's business. And yet you continue to show up in my business over and over again. I don't know if you are minding my business or I am putting my business out there, but some kind of way it keeps on happening. One thing you got to know about Woman Evolved is that we are heavy on sisterhood. So it's technically not a violation when you mind my business because you're my sister and I want you to learn the things that I'm learning and to be exposed to how I've grown and changed over time.

Whether it's newly formed friends from conference or tour or even in our book club, we literally like don't play when it comes to sisterhood. And because I am the fearless, fearful, sometimes depending on what day it is, leader of this movement, I wanted to demonstrate revolutionary sisterhood in my own life.

Today, I am going to introduce you to the biological mother of my bonus children. Her name is Lori Roberts, and she is a woman of many gifts and talents. She's incredibly kind and sweet and

And over time, we have learned to really not just do life with each other, but to love one another, to like one another, and to honor one another. I know that this is not every bonus family's testimony. Maybe you're in a situation and you're like, man, I wish that I could have a better rapport with the biological mother of my bonus children. Or maybe I am the child of a blended family and have experienced trauma before.

As a result of the blend, or maybe your story is like ours and you found a way to harmony. I hope that this echoes in your heart and allows you to remember that it is possible to blend a family without losing yourself, without losing respect, and while maintaining a safe environment for your children. So let's dive into this incredible episode with my baby mama, Lori Roberts.

It's time. It's happening. This is happening. So we have had conversations via text message about the dynamic of our relationship and sisterhood. But I don't think we've ever spoken like voice to voice, face to face about this transition. I don't think we've ever spoken like voice to voice, face to face about this transition.

I feel like part of what makes blending a family so challenging is that there is a grief connected to the fact that you are having to include

someone into your life who was never a part of the dream, right? So when we plan our lives out and we have this like happily ever after in our mind, and then we go through life, we experience a divorce or a breakup or whatever, in order to dream again, you have to consider that this next dream may have someone

else in my circle and in my family that is not necessarily someone that I get to choose, but is someone that I have to do life with. And I feel like we have found a way to do life with each other, but it wasn't intentional. Okay. So I won't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it.

Because, you know, like for those of you who are listening or watching, you know, if you all see this, there's a strong possibility that the only people listening or watching are the people who are right here. Because we don't know if we're going to air this. But just in case we make it, like I can say for myself, but I want you to speak and just give me your thoughts and feelings about us in this conversation. But...

I did not go into it thinking like I'm going to be a sister wife. Like I am going to just love whoever my husband's ex-wife is or ex-partner is like, I am just going to love them and we're going to figure it out. Like I did not go into this like blended harmony, rainbow family situation in my head. It has changed.

turned out to be a beautiful journey. But I can't say that I went into it thinking that like, I'm going to try and boss up and be the bigger person. What is your experience been? Yeah, no, that wasn't mine either. Yeah. I think over time, you know, because initially on my end of the spectrum,

I'm going into it hurting because I, you know, I have to adjust to, you know, my children, uh, have having another woman in their lives and me being like kind of out of that dream, you know, now. And so, um,

I didn't really think about it that far where it's like, oh, I'm going to, you know, just start loving on this person and just be, you know, arms wide open and accepting. Like, I didn't go into it like that. I think I had like that tunnel vision for a while where I was just in that place of hurt. But I think as time progressed, I didn't want to.

feel that hurt anymore. I didn't want to carry any negative thoughts or feelings or ideals or anything. I didn't want my children to experience any of that coming from me, you know? And so I think that's kind of over as time passed, I was like, let me, let me get it together. Let me just, you know, open up and kind of

Let's see how this will happen. You know, that's so funny. You said like you being out of that dream because I didn't, I didn't feel like,

that there was like a new dream taking place. Like I felt like an intruder. Like I felt like I had, especially for like the kids and I think for yourself as well, cause I'm a woman and I get it, you know, like I felt like I have, and I think also, okay, so this is more,

Like I'm from Texas. I moved to Los Angeles. I have like a couple friends here, but it's not like the community that I'm used to having. And then I've inserted into a community that is still grieving your absence, your presence, like not just the kids, the church too, you know, like, and she's so sweet and she's so kind.

And like, I'm like, Lord Jesus, was she passing y'all candy out? Like, what was she doing? Like, and they were mad that I was there. And I felt like this, it's almost like feeling like you took someone's space, but didn't measure up. And so I never felt like here's what I'm doing.

Here I am living out a dream. I'm like almost feeling like an imposter. Like I'm the one that no one wants around. Every Sunday, the kids are coming over. Like we had, we, you know, weren't, it's not like we just connected in this family sense immediately. I think we loved and liked one another. But now when it's time to like live together, like did you do your homework? And here I'm making dinner. And it's like, my mom doesn't make it this way. And we don't eat that. And so it's like, you're not,

You're not giving Lori. You're not giving Lori. Oh, my gosh. You know what? And it's so funny to hear the other side. You know what I mean? Because you so often are just thinking about what you're experiencing and not giving.

Because, you know, hearing you speak your other side here and my other side of that is thinking, oh, this person's coming in and taking your place. And, you know, and, you know, for me, it's like, yeah, you're Sarah Jakes. You know what I mean? So it's like there was another level, you know what I mean, of a person coming in. You know what I mean? And yeah.

Not saying that like to diminish who I am or anything, but you know what I mean? No, I get it. Like being honest. Yeah. You know, so so for me, it was like this person is stepping in could be perceived as, oh, it was a level up. You know what I mean? And so for me, it was like then it made me feel like you're over here. You're over here feeling like, oh, everybody is hating on you because you're coming into this place. And I'm thinking, oh, this person.

person with his name has come in and is like, you know, bye, Lori. You know what I mean? That's how I was feeling. Yeah. You know, and it's so it's it's it's crazy how both sides of the coin are feeling something completely different. But it's valid, you know, either way. Now, a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp.

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I could feel the weight of burnout slowly lifting from my shoulders. I'm a huge advocate for therapy and I believe BetterHelp is a wonderful resource to get matched with a therapist that can meet your needs. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to.

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You are simply irreplaceable. And I'm telling you, based on someone who has adjusted into a world and a space where your presence was very much so necessary and important, like you just you're irreplaceable. And I think that one of my greatest.

Maybe battles and coming into this city and coming into the church and coming into the children's lives was just feeling like there's like I just am not going to find a place to fit.

And I think a part of it, which like I want to break that down a little bit because I don't want to just move past it because I feel like there are people who experienced blending a family. And like that idea of like, I'm not going to fit and this is not going to work. And like, who am I now? And does my identity matter? Like, I don't know. It's just hard to it's hard to.

maintain the love that you have for yourself when you know that you are not being loved in the space that, that you're in because you don't measure up. And, um,

I think that what I had to learn was that like, I was not trying to imitate or mirror who you are. Like I had to trust that like what I carry, you know, it may be different. It may not be, I can't sing. I'm never going to lead the worship team. Like, listen, and I ain't going to be up there.

You know, like I'm sweet, you know, but I'm also quiet and I can come off as like reserved and not very outgoing. But like, this is who I am and trusting that I would find peace.

space and connection based off of my authenticity without hating the fact that I wasn't you. And I think that like when you're blending a family and you're having this dynamic with the other woman, another woman, you know that you have to like really be

trust who you are and honor that other woman. That's the part that's rough is like honoring the other woman. Cause it's almost like, I don't want to betray myself by saying that. Like, I see why the everybody like her, you know, you know, like whatever, like, yeah, sure. She's nice. Like, cool. Okay. You do feel like warmth when she's around, but like, whatever. I don't like this. Yeah.

You know what? But that's so true. And it took me some time to really embrace that.

our differences in ministry and womanhood, whatever, you know what I mean? But to embrace and then love it, you know, like I love, you know, coming to your conferences and tour dates and things like that. I love coming to the house and just doing family stuff. I love planning Wren's wedding with you and having some, you know, experiencing some of those celebrations. Do you know what I mean? Like, so it's, but it happens over time, you know, as you just,

I think you have to have an open openness and a willingness, you know, to to just want to celebrate that person and be happy for them. And, you know, it took a minute for me to.

No, we're just having a candid conversation. It took a minute for me to pray blessing over you guys, over the ministry. You know what I'm saying? That's fair. Girl, I would have never, I could never pray a blessing over your ministry, child.

No, because only because, you know, you're you're hurt. Yeah, it's weird. It's it's, you know, unexpected. It's it, you know, it's just it's different. And so, you know, it just kind of takes like a willingness and an openness to just say, you know what, God, this is what it is.

She is who she is and she's actually lovely. Like, you know, yes, you are nice. You are kind of quiet. You cook the roof off of, I don't even know if that makes sense, but you know what I'm

I mean, but you, you know, and you've always been like, I remember one time one of my friends was like, so how is she? You know, I was like, you know what? I can't even not like her. Like, I can't. I know I'm supposed to, but I do kind of like her. But she's actually like a good person. So, you know what I mean? It's like when you when you're open and willing to just be.

that person and accept the situation, I think that a beautiful thing can come out of it. And it has. Okay. So how do you get there? Like, how do you get to the place where you are open, like where you are no longer angry? Like, I know you said it takes time, but like, what, what are you saying to yourself? What are your practices? Who do you cut off from your life? Like, who do you include into your life? Because there are some people who,

feed into the bitterness. They feed into the anger. And, you know, but then there are other people who call you higher. Like, what is that environment? Because maybe there is someone that's like, you know what? I'm too angry. I'll never let it go. Like, I can't just accept that she's going to be in my kid's life. But like, you were able to do that. How? For me, there was a few things. I think for me, and I don't know if this isn't in any order. Yeah.

I don't like feeling angry and bitter. I don't like that. I don't like the way that makes me feel internally. So for me, it was really seeking God, like for a pure heart, crying out to him for a pure heart. And number two, want to put my kids through madness. You know, I mean, it was already a transition and hard enough for them. I don't even know if I have fully discussed with them that,

their experience, you know, we've had conversations here and there, but I just, I didn't want to put another level of stress or awkwardness, you know, on them. You know, I wanted them to be able to experience love, balance, inclusion, and have a good experience as, as awkward and rocky as it could be, you know, in the beginning. And, and,

So it was that I really wanted my kids to be happy. You know, I didn't want to add extra on them. And yeah, so it was that it was me not wanting to feel that that hurt and that anger, me seeking God for a pure heart and and then not wanting my kids to to.

to feel that extra, you know, stress. I do think that that is one of the things that made us like overcome our own awkward discomfort dynamic is that like, we really, I think we all, without having a conversation about it, we're like, we want to make this the best possible for the kids, like the best possible outcome, the best possible environment for the kids. Like, you know, we not going to be throwing glasses at each other. I'm not going to roll. I'm not going

I'm going to roll my eyes when you come in the room. Right. You know, and I think like also I had to remind myself, like even when I was like in different community, you know, where you guys were together as a couple. And now I'm like, you know, here's the new wife, you know, and, you know, like, OK, here I am. Is that's me? No. No.

Hilarious is like when going out, especially like to greater Ebenezer where like people maybe haven't seen him in a long time and they're like, hey, Sister Lori. And I'm like, actually, my name is...

Love Lori. Think she's great. You know, because some of them are older and they just know Trey's wife is Lori. But the thing is, Trey had, what had happened was. So. Exactly. But like I had to remind myself over and over again like that it is okay for me to, you

To introduce myself into this new space and to be OK with people's reaction, people's reception, not being a reflection of my truth. And I think I had to like really stay grounded in that. Oh, do you remember? Do you remember the first time we met? Yeah, it was at.

Oh, no, it was at the funeral. It was at the funeral. Yeah, it was at the funeral. So Trey's father died when we were still dating and

And yes, that was the first time we met. It was. Which, you know, obviously, as Grandpa's semi-passing is, you know, heartbreaking for a family. But I think that the blessing in it is that it also, like, we couldn't cut a fool if we wanted to. Like, who's going to cut up at a funeral? At a funeral.

who's going to throw shade at a funeral? Who does that? And what was kind of just like, here we go. I was going to say like, what was going through your head when you knew that you were going to meet me for the first time? Oh, I was nervous. I was very nervous. But I think that knowing because of the situation and knowing you can't cut up, you know, or anything, but I don't think I went into it thinking I was going to do that because that's

kind of just not my my mo anyway yeah but i was nervous i was like oh my gosh you know like i'm gonna meet her like here we go this is the day here we go so i wonder what it's gonna be like and i don't think it was i mean you know obviously yes it was it was awkward because you know it's the first time but i think that it it went off well like you know we embraced you know sorry for you for your loss you know and it was just kind of like okay

I tell you what, I made a conscious decision that like, I walked right up to you because I was like, listen. You did. You did. Yeah.

I did not want to, you know how you like, no, you got to meet somebody, but you trying to avoid them at the same time. And I was like, listen, here we go. Like, here I am. Let's get it over with. You know, and then we got, we have the unfortunate reality that like members of the church, members of family are all present for our first time. We didn't even get to do it in private. Like the

Everyone is in there. The kids are there. I wonder if people were like, everything stood still when it happened and people were like, what?

I can only imagine like to be a fly on the wall. My mom was there. My mom was there and she was like, I got your back. I was like, I don't know if I'm going to need it, but I appreciate you having my back. I love her. She's a little, a little pint sized thug. But that, I think that that really set like the foundation and then, you know, doing birthday parties and all of that. So I wonder like, what is the greatest thing

that you had to overcome when interacting with like all of us as a unit? This just happened recently for me at the ripe old age of late 40s. Really, really embracing me and my identity and who I am. The greatest insecurity was thinking that I had to be

something that I wasn't like be what am I trying to say here thinking that I had to like prove myself as this amazing woman or amazing woman of God or you know things like that where I can just settle in and just be Lori yeah God's daughter you know and so I think that for me that was an insecurity is thinking that

I was less than. That's one of the things that I had to overcome was thinking that you have this thought that you, I had the thought that I didn't measure up, you know, like I wasn't enough. And so you were the enough, you know what I mean? And just so it made it took work for me to get past that. No, no, I'm

I'm enough in me, you know, in who I am. And so, yeah. That's comparison. I think that that's like to refuse comparison. Because who doesn't do that? Like whether you are blending a family or you're just ex moves on. Like you sitting up and you looking at her like, oh, her butt is a little bit bigger than mine. Oh, she went to college. Like, well, she know big words like that can

That comparison of like, what does she have that I didn't have? And it takes a lot of work to really feel like, you know what? At the end of the day, it didn't work, you know? And it wasn't about what I did or did not have. It was about us not, you know, being destined to be together in this season of our life. Absolutely. I have to tell you, like, that insecurity of mine of like me being,

like trying to fit into a picture that I wasn't, that didn't start with me or to fit into a storyline that I wasn't supposed to be in. That narrative was like,

It was both like, I think I felt both insecure and like a full circle moment at the same time. I don't know if that even makes sense. But when Wren got married, because, you know, you and Trey walked her down the aisle. And that the image of you two walking your daughter down the aisle felt like this is

This is probably what the dream was. You know, like, this is how...

I think, you know, in my head at what I battle is like, this is what it was supposed to be. You know what I mean? Like, this is what Wren wanted. You know what I mean? Was this idea of my parents being together and walking me down the aisle. And yet also the full circle grace in that, like, but I'm standing here. And she went to like great lengths to make sure that everyone, she went to great lengths to make sure everyone, there was an equal balance of everyone's

present that's that child yeah that is rich he's like listen everyone's gonna play a part there will be no division but that that moment of seeing you all together it feels what does that feel like for you like is it as challenging or I don't know what is that

As far as... Like, seeing, like, yeah, like, you guys are walking her down the aisle, you know, as mother and father. And, like, but here I am at the end of the aisle. Like, did you feel that blended family tension then? I did. Yeah. I didn't feel any tension at all. It was beautiful to me. Yeah. Like, here... Because, you know, it's like, she has all the parental figures that she loves right here. Yeah. You know, you're standing at the end. Yeah.

you know, watching us walk her down. I, you know, I'm walking my baby down. Her daddy is walking his baby down and we're walking towards her Madre who was then going to, you know, marry her, you know, her and her dad, you know what I mean? It was just, it was beautiful. You know what I mean? And I couldn't think of a more beautiful blend than what we have because I, you know, it,

It takes work. You know what I mean? It takes that opening and that willingness, but it's so worth it. You know, it is so worth it. And just to have that, it was beautiful to me. I was on cloud nine, you know, I was going to ask you, do you have like a first memory of like this being like, okay, this is revolutionary. Like we out here doing stuff that like we need to tell people about. I think it was when we had a text conversation and,

Um, and we were able to laugh at some of our, our foolishness that was kind of internal foolishness, you know what I mean? In the beginning. And I think it was, um, when I, when I was able to tell you about the cookie story, you brought it up. So now you got to tell everybody about it. Look at you out here talking. Now you got to tell everybody about the cookie story. So my foolishness. Okay. Yeah.

So this was in the beginning, the very beginning. You guys are still dating. And the kids have brought home some chocolate chip cookies that you made. Right. A nice plate. It wasn't even on a paper plate. It was on a real plate and everything. They brought those cookies home. And then I think they left to spend the weekend with Trey.

I said, they are not going to stay in my house. These cookies not staying in my house. The plate ain't staying in my house. Not the plate. None of it. None of it. Not only are they going in the trash, they're going in the trash outside. Inside in the trash can.

You know what's hilarious? You told me that story, but I did not tell you. I think the first year that we exchanged food for Thanksgiving, right? Because it's like, listen, we mad, but we ain't mad enough to cook all this Thanksgiving food bars. What you making? I'm making stuff. Bring that peach cobbler. You bring that. Exactly. So.

So I'd been hearing about your peach cobbler over and over again. People just talking about your peach cobbler. And I'm pretty sure this had to have been like our first Thanksgiving together. And I was afraid to eat it. I was like, I'm going to eat it after the kids eat it. Just in case she's trying to take me out. I don't know about it anymore.

And you know what? The kids ate it and put that ice cream on it. And I said, I know she ain't going to kill her kids. She love them too much. And then I just ate the peach cobbler. And now I don't have a holiday without the peach cobbler. So if you're trying to sneak attack me, you've laid a good foundation because I'm going to eat the whole thing. Keep going in. Yeah. Now it's, you know, and see, and that's, that's the beauty of it. You know, that we can get past those awkward thoughts.

and feelings that are ridiculous, but they're real. Yeah. You know, they're real. Nevertheless. And I think it's important that we talk about it because I feel like the spectrum is either like, you know, oh, we blended our family and everything was so easy and whoop-de-whoop-de-whoo. Or then there's people that's like, we cannot be in the same room together. And it's important to know like there is a middle ground. Like you are going to have

moments where you feel insecure, where you wonder where you fit in the picture, how you fit in the picture. And then there are these beautiful moments where you look at the person who is in your life, who was not necessarily a part of your dream. And you thank God that your dream is different than his plan, because I am so grateful that you exist. Like when Taya first got sick before I went down to like, I'm like, mom,

I'm alert. Like, what can I do for your baby? Like, what can I do to make her feel better? And I'll tell you another thing. Even when we first got married,

And I moved to California and Isaiah was still in school. Like, you know, Trey didn't have like all the information that a mom needs in order to like, like where are the doctor's appointments? Like who are the teachers? What time does homework need to be finished? And so we had to overcome in order to, to have those conversations. And I'm just, I'm grateful for, for your presence in your existence. Yeah.

Thank you. I'm grateful for yours, too. Thank you. And, you know, and it's not always a situation where the woman that's now coming into your kids' lives is going to love on them, you know, and you feel safe as their mom. You know, you feel safe with how that other person is going to treat them and actually love on them and love.

When I tell you my kids love they my Drake, they do, you know, and I and I see why, you know, because, I mean, you love on them like they're your own. You know what I mean? And and for me, I'm super grateful for that. Like I couldn't have asked for it to be a better situation because you love on my kids. You take care. You hang out with them. You make them laugh. You know, it's just it. I'm very grateful. I really am.

Okay, so I hate to interrupt all of this good conversation, but I wanted you to know that I want to talk to you too. I want to hear your story. I want to hear your thoughts and opinions. You can send me your application, your video to be a co-host to podcast at womanevolved.com.

Let me know what it is you want to talk about, why it's important to you that you be on the podcast. Maybe you're like, girl, I am not going to be on anybody's podcast. I don't do talking to people. First of all, this is a sign. Overcome yourself. But if not, you can send me an advice question. Podcast at woman evolve dot com. OK, let's get back to the podcast.

I was going to ask you, because I think that's another thing that makes the blended family situation difficult is like someone coming into the picture who may have a different parenting style than you do. So how do you come to a place where you're able to...

I don't know, like, even though that that even I may do things that aren't in line with what you would do with the kids. Like maybe I'd speak to them differently or treat them in a way that you wouldn't treat them. How do you give that person room to like create their own relationship without talking badly about them like to the children? Could you know? I think sorry, there's background noise. I think that, um,

Having having conversations with the kids about how they here's the thing, because I I could already see that you were a wise person, you know, and so I think that them coming to you for advice or or help with anything. I trusted that the God in you was going to help.

give them, you know, the right advice or, or things like that. But I, and I think that still keeping that open line of communication with, with them and then how I parent, um, is important, but I think that there is room for other, um, ways of doing things. There's room for other, uh,

ways of seeing things and I think that that kind of adds value and a well-roundedness to the kids where they can have more than one person to talk to maybe I I hit a spot that um that they need and then there's something that you bring yeah that they need you know and so I think that it's even fuller for them you know to you know when they're dealing difficult situations they've got

a plethora of people, you know, to go to. That, okay, so that brings up another thing that I think is just worthy advice when blending a family. If you aren't careful, you will allow your hurt to show up in how the kids have a disagreement with the person who you don't like. Like, I want to, you know, say this the right way. So if the kids are having an issue with you, like, oh my gosh, my mom said,

I couldn't have my device and I had to do my homework. Like, I have an opportunity in that moment to like side with the kid's anger out of my own bitterness and hop on the fact that like, ooh, they don't like her or they found a crack in her armor and now I'm gonna be like, yes, I can't believe she did that. Right.

How dare she not let you have freedom of your electronics or you have an opportunity to validate that other parent as if they were there in the room. Because at the end of the day, making sure there's consistency with the children. And if we have an issue like we can talk about that as adults, but I'm not going to allow that.

the kid to reinforce a negative narrative about their parent just because I haven't figured out how to engage with that person. Now that takes growth because when you're insecure and you're uncertain, when the kids begin to see that like, oh, maybe this person isn't so shiny, there's a part of you that's like, yes, I've been waiting on someone to see it. But the truth is that that doesn't serve the child and their growth and development either. Yeah.

Right. Have you ever experienced like what I was going to say? What are your thoughts on that? No, I completely agree with that. And that's where you have to check yourself. Like even even if you don't agree with, you know, if I didn't agree with the decision that you made or that Trey made or whatever, and I would have done it differently, even if I check myself, because I'm not going to go against that.

what you guys are saying. First of all, they live with y'all. Now, but it hasn't always been that way. It hasn't always been that way too. And they did not like coming to see us quiet as it's kept.

Quiet as it's kept. Well, I'm going to drag them on the podcast next. No, child. When we first got, first of all, there's a lie going, going, and I don't know if you heard this lie, but I'm going to fix it right here. Right here for the world to see. There is a lie that I used to starve your children when they came to my house. Wait. Oh, yeah. Oh, you haven't heard?

Thank God they at least didn't tell you this. No, when I first moved, someone in our family unit has oftentimes accused me of starving them. Of starving? Starving. Wait, no. Starving. What I did hear was Madre and dad would sneak off and go eat. Well, that ain't no problem. And then we didn't have nothing to eat.

tell you. I'm like, come on, y'all. Nothing. No, no. And let me tell you something. Not only is it not true, it is a bold-faced lie. It is a bold-faced lie. We had crackers, we had tuna, we had cereal, and we had milk at minimum at all times. With a napkin.

I don't even know how we got there, but I just wanted to clear the air on that one. That is hilarious. But no, but it's very important to not... Yeah, you don't want to add fuel to the fire. You just don't. Like, that's not... And that was always...

One of my main goals is make sure the kids are good, you know, and if there's something I disagree with, maybe I'll talk on the side about it, pray about it, whatever. But I'm not getting ready to add fuel to that because that's not going to serve them any good. Yeah, kids, people forget that when you add fuel to the fire, like you're in that fire too. Like it seems like you're just creating some mess over at their house or you're drawing yourself closer to your children because you're bonding over offense.

but we're literally about to spend the rest of our lives together like that's what people underestimate when you're blending a family it's not just until the kids get 18 like wren just got married she's well over 18 you and i are going to spend the rest of our lives together and i don't want to roll my eyes every time you walk into the room i don't want to be upset no i just i don't i can't i

want to roll my eyes over someone else. Like, I'm not saying I don't want to roll my eyes together. But like, why would we have to do it towards one another? Yeah, no. I just, that was not

It just was not what I wanted. Like, I just, I don't want to live like that. You know, I want, I want peace. I love peace, happiness, laughter. Let's have some fun. You know, it is a different dynamic of what we all thought it was going to be, but let's make it work. Okay. One more question. Then we have an advice question. Have you ever had to like get someone together to,

our dynamic like someone who maybe came into it thinking like oh I'm a Roma oh tell me about it so you know when men posted the picture uh of say yes to the dress and it was you me her and Taya in the picture on so a friend of mine lord god I hope you don't watch this but oh you know they're gonna eat this up she sent me a page she said you better than me I said you

I am so past that. Like, I don't have time or energy. Like, this is my family. You know what I mean? Like, I just, I'm like, why would I, like, why would I still? It's been how many years now? Eight. Yeah, we ate in it. Why am I still going to carry that for eight years? Like, what is it that I'm still mad about? Yeah. You know what I mean? That's for me, it's like,

What is it that you're still mad about? Like, and why are you still mad about something that happened eight years ago? Are you still like, I don't understand. Like for, and that's for me, like I, I'm not trying to put anybody down if they're having struggles with getting over something like, okay, but just put the work in to try to, you know, but I don't have, what am I still mad about? You know what I mean? So it's like, I don't see what, what's wrong with,

taking a picture with my baby me and her madre and her sister when we went wedding dress shopping and I remember we had that conversation when we were at the wedding place I said don't feel like you have to like take a step back you know when we're this is Renz we're picking out her dress like don't feel like you have to be in the background and you were like

Yeah, because I actually was kind of feeling, you know, like, you know, how do I know? You're her madre, too, you know, and she values your opinion. She values, you know, your feelings. So and I love that you create that space because I was like, you know, Ella is six. Kenzie is 12. And, you know, I think about like one day when they get married and when I think about it, like I don't see, you know, this other person in the picture. And I just wanted to respect.

the fact that like this is a moment that you've been dreaming of since she was in your womb right and I wanted to make sure that you got the fullness of that experience while also respecting the fact that Rin had invited me and so I did kind of feel like you know I'm a mom too and I knew what that moment meant and I wanted you to experience that yeah and I understand that part too okay girl we picked that dress and we didn't get enough credit for it okay

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We have an advice question about blending a family. And I'm going to flip it. I'm going to flip it. So I'm going to ask it and then we'll flip it. Dear SJR and the delegation. First, let me say I love you, SJR. And thank you guys. My big sister in my head. What's up?

I am a 26 year old woman who has been in a relationship for about five months. My partner is a healthy Christian man who is also a father of 12 of 12 year old twins. Initially, I was very apprehensive about pursuing the relationship because I do not have any children and have often questioned my ability to mother because of my own mother wounds.

Based on the current direction of the relationship, marriage is a strong possibility. I would love to continue to be in this relationship, but I am worried about becoming a stepmother. I want to grow to love them the way that God would desire for me to. My question is, how did you grow slash learn to love your stepchildren unconditionally? Thank you in advance for your advice.

So I'm going to answer this question because I know that you don't have stepchildren yet, but we working on it. But before I answer, I want to know from your perspective as a woman who's had to welcome a stepmother into your life and into your fold, what are some things that she can do in order to, you know, create harmony or open communication and relationship with the biological mother of the children?

Well, it sounds like since she's asking for advice that she wants that, that, you know what I mean? So first you got to want it. You really, really have to desire to have that harmony, you know, with the other person. If the other person is willing, you know, prayerfully, the other person is on that same page. You know, you can have conversations about that.

you know, the kids, is there anything, you know, that, that I can do to be, to be more helpful, you know, and, and I think just having that open communication with the kids to not trying to force anything, but just being who you are, you know, and having that open communication with them and establishing that trust with them, I think will help the mom when she sees that,

And she'll have to work through. Yeah. She'll have to work through some things, you know, because then it's part two where it's like, oh, they do like her. OK, so. OK, so they like her, you know, because there's that, you know, where you have to deal with. But I think creating that open communication and just being open.

with the mom, you know, hey, we were thinking about doing, you know, this. What are your thoughts on that? Is there anything that, you know, I could do to help them enjoy this more? You know, just things like that. You want to include that

you know, the mom in that, I think. That's great. I love that advice because one thing that like, you know, you can come into one accord with as it relates to the biological mother of your stepchildren is like, she's going to be a sucker for them kids. So if you show her that you're trying to love those kids and protect those children and help her raise them in the way that she wants to raise them, y'all might not like the same music. Y'all might not go to the same places or shoppings.

at the same places like you may not choose to be friends but you can choose to raise them children together and if you show me you're going to love and protect my babies like I can get on board with that

And I would just add as someone who's, you know, learned to love my bonus babies unconditionally that I would say like date them, like date them the same way that you date your partner and take them to the park, take them to the movies and then observe them. Don't try and force like, are we going to connect? Is this going to be when we fall in love? But give them space to like really be who they are.

Right.

they are, make a decision that is headed in the direction of love and then create experiences that allow that seed of love to be watered in the lives of those children. And you'll look up and you'll just be like completely, totally obsessed with them the way that I am with mine. So...

I was going to ask you, though, like when when was that moment? I mean, I'm sure it happened, you know, at different times with the three of them. But when was that moment for you? When did you realize that? I mean,

You know, Isaiah was the nicest to me when we first got together. He was just a gem. Thank you for all that you've done to pour into his life. Them girls was they mama's protector and they was not like they would eat them cookies, but they was like still like I made these cookies, but it's not that. Oh, Lord. Me and Rin, it was perfect.

Probably 2017 when Wren and I, we were sitting out on the swing and like Wren, you guys don't know Wren, but Wren is just not the one or the two. Like she's just going to sit down and tell you how she feels and

And we were sitting on the swing and she was like, okay, listen, so like, this is what my issues were when y'all got together. And you know, here are what some of my current issues are. And this is also what I love about you. And I want to fix these issues so that we can learn to live together in harmony. And we were sitting, I always,

admired Rin though because Rin had no problem you know talking to her dad and communicating tough feelings and disagreeing with him without fear and I was like this is bad and she is bold and I enjoyed that for me and Taya Taya and I like I always felt like Taya

I shared this. Taya reminded me of myself when we first got married. And I don't know, at the time, because she didn't know me very well, that didn't necessarily come off as the greatest compliment. Because at the time, I was just talking about my story about getting pregnant at an early age. She's like, what? Yeah, she was like, mm-mm, you tried it and no man would.

So I think we had like a disconnect because I was I don't know, it was just an awkward disconnect. And then I think we learned to, you know, live with one another. But I think I think that Taya and I really started loving each other in Denver.

Okay. Yeah. Cause you know. And moved to Denver. I know. Oh gosh. Good job, girl. Gosh. That was rough. I know. It had to have been rough. Then you came and visited for Taya's birthday and stayed at the house. Cause remember we were in a snowstorm and had a onesie.

Man, we was trying to make it work. Painting. Yeah, that was fun. It was fun. We made it. We made it work. But it was definitely Denver. How did Denver affect you? And then I'm finished. Then I'm finished. No, that was rough because I think it was maybe a year before that. Maybe not even a year before that when they stopped living with me and then moved with. That's a whole nother story. You know, we're living full time with you and Trey. Right.

And then the move to Denver came and it was it was hard because I'm such a hands on mom, you know, and I had never I've never been on my own before. Truthfully, because, you know, I went from living with my parents to getting married to having kids. So I had never just been by myself, you know, and so.

It was really, really hard. But Ren, remember Ren stayed here for a little bit because she was trying to be like, I'm not moving. And then she couldn't see life without her siblings. So her siblings needed her. And it was really hard to see her go because I was like, there was part of me that was like, OK, well, at least I have one of them with me, you know.

But to see then her go to it, it was it was tough. It really, really was tough. You know, at the end of the day, I said, well, you know, you guys will be coming here, you know, to visit here in L.A. And then I'm going to just make some trips out to Denver and we just have to make it work again. Another new normal, even though it's only for a year. Praise you, Jesus. Thank you.

What did you learn about yourself in being stripped of the title of wife that you had and then mother in the way that you were used to mothering? What gift, what hidden gift, it was their hidden gift that existed in that solitude that you're grateful for in hindsight? I learned that, and I don't even know if

Because at that point I was in a relationship, you know, but so I wasn't completely alone. Right. But it was still a different dynamic because my kids were gone, you know. And so I think for me, it was just learning to let go of that. I don't want to say responsibility or that feeling of I needed that.

to have my kids in my life in order to feel like a whole person. You know, I needed to, you know, have them there with me in order to be a whole person because there's, that's the thing. It's like, I'm not, Lori is not just a mom, you know, Lori is Lori, you know, and what is that? Who is she without Lori?

having the responsibility or the commitment to having her kids with her all the time, you know, and so navigating through that. And I'm still navigating through that now, because now that I'm not in that other relationship and my kids aren't, you know, I have one that's married and, you know, the other two still don't live with me. And so it's even, it's so wonderful right now being in this space where I am, where, you know, my kids are grown and,

I'm, you know, single. They're very single. If anyone is listening, we will have a WeTV show about Final Laureate Man for another time, though. For another time. But it's a wonderful space to discover...

who you are just as you, not the title of being the mom or being a wife or being the worship leader or just who are you? You know, those things, yes, encompass you. But do you need to be identified by any of those things to feel like a whole person? And that's where I think that that's where I'm at right now.

Well, I can tell in the eight years that I've known you that you're definitely like in your best season yet. You're full of so much joy and light and confidence and peace. And I just look forward to being in your corner as things grow and evolve. I see what I did. I see how you did that there. Yeah.

We survived. We did it. We did it, girl. We did it. We did it. Chyna. She said Chyna did it.

No, this was great. I love you. Thank you for doing this with me. I love you too. And you know what? I love you and I like you. You know what I mean? You can love somebody and be like, cause they're my family, but I love you and I like you. Same. You're a good person. Thank you. So are you. So are you. I'm going to get the footage. I'm going to send it to you. We're going to play it and then we're going to decide if anyone ever sees it.

But right now you think they're going to see it? You think they got a chance to seeing this? I think so. I think they got a chance to. Okay. I'll talk to you later. Okay. Bye. Bye.

Man, listen, we made it. We made it. You have no idea how much we have been texting about this. Like, are we going to do it? How are you feeling about it? You nervous what you want to do, but we made it. I hope that our story, our transparency and vulnerability was helpful to you on your journey. I love having conversations that help us all to grow. And to be honest, I'd love to have you join me too, but you got to be honest.

You got to be transparent. You got to be vulnerable because that is the only way that we feel seen, connected with, and then challenged to grow. I know you have a story to share, so I'm inviting you to be my next co-host. Email podcast at womanevolved.com with a one to two minute video about why you should be on the show, or you can send me an advice question that you'd like me to answer. Either way, I want to hear from you.

I'm not going to stop.

I think I love it, love it. Never underestimate the power of attorney. Always bet on tax. Reasonable Doubt. New episodes Thursdays. Streaming only on Hulu. Most deals are barely worth mentioning. But then there's AT&T's best deal on the new Samsung Galaxy Z Flip 6 featuring FlexCam with Galaxy AI. You can get it on them when you trade in your eligible smartphone any year, any condition. It's a deal so good you'll be shouting,

So grab a ladder and learn how to get that new phone on AT&T. AT&T, connecting changes everything. Requires trade-in of Galaxy S, Note, or Z series smartphone. Limited time offer, 256 gigabytes for $0. Additional fees, terms, and restrictions apply. See att.com slash Samsung or visit an AT&T store for details. Hello, from Wonder Media Network, I'm Jenny Kaplan, host of Womanica, a daily podcast that introduces you to the fascinating lives of women history has forgotten.

Who doesn't love a sports story? The rivalries, the feats of strength and stamina. But these tales go beyond the podium. There's the team table tennis champ, the ice skater who earned a medal and a medical degree, and the sprinter fighting for Aboriginal rights. Listen to Womanica on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.