Who Killed JonBenét Ramsey? w/ Sam Morril | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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What's up, everybody? It's Tom Segura. We're almost into the new year, and I'll be bringing my come-together tour to a bunch of more cities in 2025. January 18th, I'll be in Philadelphia. I haven't been there in a while. January 24th, San Francisco. The 25th of January, I'm in Reno. January 30th, I'm in Athens, Georgia. And January 31st,

February 1st, I'll be in North Charleston. I can't wait to hit all these cities. Get your tickets now at tomscrow.com slash tour, and I will see you there. 100% Cheers.

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. You can see my buddy's most recent hour, You've Changed, which premiered on Amazon Prime in July, on Amazon Prime, or you can get tickets to see his new tour, The Errors Tour, beginning in early February 2025. You can check out his...

popular podcast, We Might Be Drunk with Mark Norman. And of course, he's the co-creator of Bodega Cat Whiskey. It's Sam Morrell, everybody. Let him hear it. Thanks. It's quite an intro. That was amazing. I got all the plugs. I can't follow that up, man. You're doing great. You're doing great, man. It's always good to see you. You too. Thanks for coming in.

Were you just, did you come in from New York? Were you just in New York? Yeah, late flight last night. Watched, streamed the Knicks on the flight. Big dub. God, you're a hardcore fan. I'm a fan, dude. I love it. Yeah, you're like, I like a night flight.

I'll take a night, yeah. It's kind of nice. Yeah, I'll chill on a night flight. Yeah. And I like when they turn the cabin lights off. And you don't have to deal with the asshole who leaves the shade open, like, during the day, which I always hate and loathe. I hate that. I've been flying... This is, like, my first flight in forever that wasn't delayed. Yeah. And it was still delayed, like, 20 minutes, but that's, like, I... No, that's a win, though. We had a fucking incident coming back from... I did Miami Improv a couple months ago with my buddy Gary Veeder, and we just, uh...

It's like a five-hour delay. I'm the idiot who booked Miami during hurricane season, so I deserved it. But with a five-hour delay, two hours, we circle for two hours in the air, and there was this drunk lady on the flight just screaming to her friend. Everyone hated her. I was like, I hate this person, whatever. It's one of those flights. And then they're like, hey, we're not landing. We're out of fuel, so we're landing Dulles, Virginia,

So we're just like, ah, it's been like a seven hour day. So we're like pissed. And then we're on the runway and she's just like on the phone, drunk and shit. Everyone hates her. And Gary and I just look at each other like, what do we, do we just drive back? Like, this is crazy. And I could, I was like, all right, fuck, let's drive back. So.

We get off the flight, and as I got off the flight, I loudly said to her, you know, it's very rude to talk that loudly on the phone. And she was like, I'm so sorry. And everyone gave me a thumbs up because I was like, I'm leaving anyway. I may as well take one for the team. You did, dude. I took one for the team. Do you feel a little rise of panic as you're about to say it? Yeah. I don't like confrontation, but I was like, I got to...

I feel like I have to do something. Yeah, there's a thrill to that. This is not at all the same thing, but I remember one time I did a yoga class with Bert, and we were in the class, and the guy teaching it was like a hard-nosed guy, like a really tough dude. He was more like a drill sergeant, which felt weird for yoga. Yeah, it's not the energy you want. It's not the energy you want. And then he goes, like, starts telling a story about his son,

him and his son somewhere. And it just, it builds to nothing. Like it literally, he was like, and then, you know, we went and there was nobody there. All right. And switch poses. And I, it was just dead silent. And there's like 30 people in class. And I just felt this like, kind of, you know, this like momentum building inside of you. And I'm just laying in this position. I go, Hey man. And he's like, excuse me. I go, Hey, uh, is that story over? And he's like, what?

I go, is the story over? He's like, yeah. I go, oh, it didn't really feel like it had an ending. Oh my God. And he was like, okay. And I was like, yeah, we tell stories so I can help you with that. And he's like,

Okay, just switch into the next... Wow. He knew. And then Bert was looking at me, he's like, what are you doing? I go, I just couldn't help it. Was Bert laughing while you were doing it? I think he was scared. He was scared of what was going to happen. You heckled a guy. I heckled him, yeah. I was like, what the fuck was that? That was... I mean, I do... I respect that. I've seen the guy at the airport, and this one always like... Because sometimes you want to say something, but you're too intimidated to, or you're like, it's just...

it's the situation. - And you weigh, is it worth it? - Is it worth it? You weigh it, yeah. And there was line jumpers, like people like, or people distract, so like we're walking down the jet bridge and somebody's like, yeah, and there was this guy, now he was like 6'7", and he was like 245, like a big fuck, and this dude,

is behind me and these people are like distracted not moving and he was like eyes forward and walk forward like and we all were like yeah that's what I'd want to say but I would never say it you know and everybody got scared and they just started walking in formation but it was one of those things where you know yeah I wanted to say that to them but I was like I'm not gonna fucking yell at these people this guy was just like go but usually guys that big are a little more like

I don't want to say meek, but they know that with that power comes a responsibility to kind of behave. Even-tempered, yeah. Yeah. This guy was a hothead, dude. That scares me, that there's a dude that big who's kind of, I don't want to say a bully, but... I had one that bullied me one time on a flight. Really? Yeah, and I was like, it had my stomach in knots. It was, I told this story before, but like...

I think about this sometimes where I clocked this guy at the gate. We were flying from Austin to Vegas and I saw him at the gate and he was huge, like six, six to 95 and, and like muscular. And he was wearing shorts, flip flops and like a sleeveless tee. So like a big fuck who doesn't care, you know? And he had the shaved head and he just, you know, you just, it's one of those guys you notice, right?

And when I got on the plane, I had the aisle seat. And he goes, hey, could you mind sitting at the window back there so I can sit in the aisle? And I go, no. That's a fucking bold. Yeah, I go, I'm not doing that. That's not a cool request. You trade evenly. He's like, all right. So then he asked the guy behind me. And that guy's like, sure. So he goes, thanks, man. He goes, thank you for your help. Thanks for being helpful.

And I'm like, oh, shit. So now this big fuck is sitting directly behind me. And he reaches in between us. Because the guy that moved is now to my left. And he goes, you're a good guy. You're a cool guy. And he starts tapping him and telling him that. And I'm like, I'm sitting here like, fuck. And this guy's behind me. And the first thing he does, the flight attendants come around. Would you like something to drink? He's like, double Jack and Coke.

Oh, good. And I'm like, oh, shit. And within seconds, he's like, excuse me, can I get one of these? And they're like, oh, I just gave you that. He goes, I'm 295. That's why I knew his weight. He's like, I'm 295. And I was like...

And then, so they're pumping him full of double jack and cokes. And then he starts getting more like, you know, full of confidence. Starts punching the seat. Yeah, and he starts commanding the cabin. What do you got? Oh, we're gonna have a good time in Vegas. Yeah, we're gonna fucking hit the tables. You're going to Vegas. Bro, and I'm sitting here the whole time like, fuck, this guy is so crazy. He's like, and he keeps bringing up the thing to the guys like, that was real nice of you. You're a helpful guy. And I was like, ah, shit. And then he starts talking about

his NFL playing career. Oh, shit. It's Ray Lewis behind you. Oh, my God. Shit. And he starts talking. And then he's like, yeah, yeah, I got real suicidal that year. I just wanted to kill myself. And I was like, this guy. Can we go back to that year? I was like, fuck, this dude's going to do something erratic on this flight. And I just remember, like, my stomach was just, like, literally in knots because I was like, is this guy just at one point? You ruined your flight. Yeah, it did. Just because I was like, no, I'm not moving, dude.

That sucks. I've told this one before, too, but this is Gary Veeder, who I tour with. Like, he's... You know, we were open micers together. We'd go back like that, and we were leaving Columbus, Ohio once, and as we're leaving...

there was a woman just berating the TSA agent at like, I don't know, 8 a.m. So we're like, it's kind of fucked up. Clearly she was just trying to help and this woman's just killing her. She's got two kids with her. She sucks. And Gary and I are like, at a certain point we should step in, right? There's been like two minutes of her yelling at a person. And then I was like, hey lady, like enough. You know, she gets it. And she turned like, this has nothing to do with you guys. And I was like, I mean, you're holding up the line. So it kind of does affect us now. And then Gary-

Kind of stepped in and he goes, yeah, lady, you're a nobody.

And that's when I was like, I fucking love Gary. And she looks at Gary and she goes, well, you're short. He's like five, six. And Gary goes, you should see me with my shirt off. And I was like, dude, what are you doing? We're professional comedians. We had her. Like, what are you doing? And it like woke us up like a jolt of coffee. It's like, how hard can we go in front of our kids? But we were like, we hate this person. But then she went through like angry things.

And the lady gave us a nod. We're like, all right. Yeah, yeah. It's like, what's the socially acceptable thing? How far can you take it? Because I have the same thing. I talk to Jim Norton about this all the time. Because Jim loves these stories. Of course. Luis Gomez loves these stories. New York is a kind of confrontational city. Yeah. I feel like you kind of have to. But it's kind of friendly, too, because-

you live on top of each other. You kind of have to be like, what the fuck? And they're like, no, it's all good. You've seen these, I'm sure you've seen these at least accounts when you're scrolling of guys who are standing on whatever street and they go, hey, how's it going? Like, what do you do? Or like, I like your outfit. I hate these guys. And there's this like one clip that went viral online.

And all the comments were like, that's a New Yorker. Where this guy's... Oh, he goes, fuck you. Yeah, he's like, get the fuck out of my way. I loved him. And everybody was like, this is the best New Yorker. This is a New Yorker. It makes me so mad. They'll just go up to celebrities and stuff and be like, hey, what's up? And it's like, the dude's just trying to have a call. Yeah.

Dude, I also hate the guys who are like, how did you accumulate your wealth? Oh, yeah. Because it's always a dude who's like, you know, I got lucky. I got right place at the right time. I just want to hear a guy be like, I liquidated three companies, and I ruined a bunch of lives. And that's why I have this cool car. It's pretty great. What you can do is you can undercut your competition. And then, yeah, you can just bankrupt people, and you make money. It's pretty cool. There's something so inappropriate. You're just walking up and recording people.

Yeah. It's insane. It's insane. Hey, a real quick question. How did you achieve all your goals? And people are like, what? I'm going to breakfast right now. I know. What are you wearing? Clothes? They just start going up to homeless people. How did it all fall apart? Yeah.

Where do things go south for you? So you're doing the same thing, essentially. It's kind of doing the same thing. It's pretty inappropriate. And then they're like, summarize everything for me. Like, what are the keys to all your... Someone who's like 65, who's been working, they're like, how do I become successful over the last 40 years? I mean, it's like right now in 15 seconds. It's a bizarre thing to ask. That's what young... I think they just want a cheat code book. Right. Tell me real quick. Yeah. Tell me real quick. There is something... I don't know, man. There's something lost with like...

And we're just telling stories about how we had confrontations. We're like, man, people don't behave in public. I'm literally thinking of an incident I had in Amsterdam. I'm like, I guess I do...

But there is something, I don't know, satisfying. If you're mistreated, you do... It's all about control. You want that upper hand back. Yeah. Like, I got basically thrown out of the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam. You did? Yeah, it was... I mean, I had already paid and gone and seeded. Seeded. God, I'm a fucking idiot. I should kill myself. I just say, I seed the...

What am I, a three-year-old with a coloring book? I hate myself. What did you seed there? I seed some art. Yeah? No. I saw art. It was cool art. God.

No, we saw the exhibit and it's amazing. It's so cool. It was right before we got turned away from the Anne Frank exhibit. So that's a hard ticket, by the way. Is it? It's a hard ticket. They don't let you in. You know, what'd she really do? She didn't do much. Yeah. She didn't do much. She was just up there fucking journaling.

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we'd already, uh, seed the exhibit. And, uh, after we saw it, it's, it's like torrential downpour. So I'm just waiting for an Uber, you know, and it's taking forever because there's so much traffic, you know, narrow, narrow roads. And, uh,

And we're just like waiting in the little doorway and this guy walks up to us. He goes, you got to wait outside. And I'm like, oh, we're just gonna be a minute. It's just the waiting for the car which raining so hard. And he was just like, I don't care. You can't just like wait here. And we're bothering no one. I was like, come on, man. Like, we're just gonna be like a minute. And he goes, okay. And he walks away. He gets another security guard to get rid of us.

And I was like, what are you doing? And I shouldn't have done this, but I sound like a dick here. But he was throwing us into the rain. We were about to get soaked. So I was like, I'm going to get a fuck you in there too. So I was like, I go, well, you're a midget. And he was really short. I did what the lady did to Gary. I'm aware of how shitty this is. And he was like, he goes, bye-bye.

And we're in the rain and we're just getting soaked and we're looking at him and he just starts waving and I got nothing. All I could hit him back with is, you're so little. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's all I had though. Yeah.

But I got soaked, so he did win. He did win, but he didn't forget that either. He didn't forget. It hurt. It definitely hurt. One day he'll date a woman who's like, if you're just like two inches taller, and he'll be like, that motherfucker. And you're tall, so it hurt more. I know. That's all I had on him. He was in the power position. He tossed me. It's so crazy. So did they physically escort you out? They intimidated me. Yeah. Like the Nazis. Yeah. You're like, real good reputation I'm living here with. Yeah.

I'm taking the story back. Yeah. That's fucking crazy. I'm going to journal about it. I'm going to sell it. Yeah. No, it's pretty rough. Yeah. I don't know. Disrespect also, that's when, if somebody disrespects you in public. Yeah, I was in front of my girlfriend too. What do you want me to do? Just take it? Yeah, man. Come on. She was laughing. I was like, all right, I'll, you know. It helps to have somebody with you. It's hard to do without an audience because then you're just like, you're like, I got embarrassed alone. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, I'm trying to like... But he threw out other people too and they hated him too. So I was like, all right. He wouldn't let people wait in the lobby? I know, dude. It was like... It was way in the... It was crazy. Because it feels like if the superiors, like the people that run that place would have been like, what are you doing to people? And they're never... By the way, this is our reputation around the world. They're never surprised that the rude person is an American. Yeah. They're like, of course, you know? But... And the New York accent doesn't help me. It's like...

They know. Yeah. I think I would have been furious too, though, dude. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to do it in a museum, though. It's like a dignified quiet. I know. I know. I've lost my shit at some people. At the museum? I don't think at the museum. I'm actually trying to block out the rage that I've encountered. It's kind of fun to revisit some of this shit, though. We did this recently, and I was like, oh, fuck.

It's just, it makes you, because you realize how bad you feel when it's happening. Yeah. When you're that enraged by somebody. I did feel bad about it. One time I checked out of a hotel because I thought I was going to kill one of the servers there. I checked out immediately. Yeah. I sat down. He was young, kind of rude. And when he delivered my lunch-

he dropped it oh nice and he turned and i stood up and i started to follow him and i realized i was going to follow him into this back room and instead i just went right up to my room and grabbed my bags and checked out of the hotel dude if you ended up being a killer netflix would have it made because you already got all those stand-up specials yeah you bang out some cigar and then it's just the next if you like this yeah check out this three-part series yeah

Did you watch JonBenet? I did. Do you think the dad did it or do you think Innocent? Well, I just finished episode two. One thing that's always funny to me when you watch it, because I was watching Menendez stuff too, was you recall the story in a broad way.

Right. And then when you get into these docs, you're like, oh, because we were young and I was, you know, a kid when this happened. So I'm like, I don't remember any details of either story. And so you're watching it. I mean, there's here's it's almost like the perfect. Well, this is impossible to figure out, at least through two, which is, of course, it's crazy, like.

the body in the house and these things, but then like the DNA being withheld and the way that the police were clearly trying to, well, we're feeding this stuff to the media to shape it so that they looked like killers with, with,

Which is, you know, you always go like, oh man, this is, can you imagine? That dad already lost a daughter. It's insane. He already lost a daughter. His wife dies at 49 of ovarian cancer. And then they're, and then they're keep implying maybe the other, maybe the car accident daughter was abused by him too. It's like all this like. It's like the staircase. Remember that one? That one was tough though. That one was tough. That's a little too, I think he did it. You do think the dad did it? Yeah, but no, not the JonBenet dad. I don't think he did it. What do you think happened? What's your opinion?

I don't know, but that guy, what's his name? Is it Mark something Carr? You know what I'm talking about? I don't know. The guy who claimed he did it? Yeah. I don't... Then he was released. John Mark Carr. Sorry, yeah. He confessed. It's sick. I mean, imagine confessing to this shit and not even doing it. Yeah. I mean, that's like... So you just want that level of attention? There's a few killers that have done that. But they're usually like...

Like the one who had like the most prolific body count ever. And he was a low IQ individual. And so like sheriffs would be like, we have this unsolved problem.

you know murder in louisiana he's like yeah i did that and they're like great and so it would let them just close cases and they just kind of kept doing it and they attributed like 150 murders to him you look like you're the man yeah detective you're like we did another one dude yeah henry lee lucas he was the one yeah he was uh yeah he could look confess to 600 murders sorry and yeah that's a bit high he's like the wilt chamberlain he's inflating his numbers just to sound cool

He's quite like, yeah. Yeah. And there was another guy. There was a Texas guy. What was his name? Tommy Lynn sells maybe who also he, he confessed to more like they, he definitely murdered people, but they realized that he was, he was confessing. Yeah. He was confessing to a lot more crimes than he was kind of capable of. Yeah. So then you're like, they maybe did a couple, but he got,

See, he claimed 70 victims. That's a lot. He only did like 20. Cops are like, you fucking loser. Yeah. You killed like three people. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, man. It's, uh, I think the dad didn't do it, but they found all this weird stuff in there, right? They found the, like the rough draft of the ransom note. That's kind of weird. Which is so sad that you're like, you needed to, he's like working out a fucking ransom. Yeah.

And the figure, the- 118. So bizarre, right? It's a weird number. Yeah, that's what's weird, is like, that sounds like he knew- One of the crazier aspects to me was the fact that you have this, because, you know, I first didn't, I didn't think about some of these things, like, before the pandemic, which was, like, how you think-

The powers that be get it. Like, know how to handle things. In other words, like, if something catastrophic happens, like a pandemic, you're like, well, this is the United States government. They'll figure it out. And then, so my...

analysis or comparison for this is like oh there's a homicide you know in a city like boulder it's not like a tiny little town and then like they don't have homicides i know so they're like we're sending a narcotics detective i think it was the only one that year they said the only one they don't know what the fuck they're doing they have to bring in people from colorado springs they don't know what they're doing yeah exactly and so and then you start learning you're watching this investigation you're like oh they were just like i don't know i think we should do this and like

They're not investigating it correctly. And they pushed that guy out. The guy, Lou something? Lou Witt or whatever? They pushed him out because he seemed to know what he was doing. He was like, no, I don't know. But that's...

If that dad is innocent, holy shit, that guy's had a horrible life. Horrible. Horrible. Really. Can I say this? What the fuck are you doing parading your daughter around in these... Pageants? It's really gross to me. It's very weird. It's worse than child acting. Yeah. You're inviting... It's also amazing that all these people are allowed in as just a solo person. Like, I'm just going to watch.

They don't want you in a park. It's so crazy because I know it's like one of the themes of the documentary is that this little kid has like a, there's like, they're sexualizing this child with like the performance and just the way that she's dressed and acting. And there is something, you don't,

Just say that and go, this person's a murderer, right? Or an abuser. But it's peculiar and unnatural because as somebody with small kids, the last thing you want in your kids' lives in any way is just anything sexual in nature. You know what I mean? You don't encourage that type of dancing or that type of posturing.

posing or that... It's just bizarre. Oh, I mean, for... It's probably like a steak dinner. You're like, she's got makeup on? Yeah, it's crazy. This is crazy. It's so crazy. Why, like, why you parade around like that? It's... I don't know, but, like...

And that also, that doesn't make you a murderer. I mean, you know, it's just, but the whole thing is, because I remember like when, when I heard this doc was coming out, I go, oh yeah. I go, whoever went to jail for that? Yeah. Same. You forget. You forget. Cause it happened. Didn't happen right after 9-11. I think it was before then, wasn't it? Maybe it was something, maybe there was like a ruling. 1996. Okay. But wasn't there a ruling like 10 days after I think?

After 9-11? I think so. About this? I think so. There was like a ruling 10 days after, and I think it got swept. There was something related to this that happened around 9-11. But like, another thing about the story is... Both went unsolved. When they're talking about the... There's my Aaron Rodgers right there. Do we really know what happened? I don't know. Coming soon to Netflix.

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When you're talking about this dad being like this possible abuse, and then they interview the other kids, the adult kids, and they're like, he's a fucking great dad. You think that he just had this moment where he was this horrifically abusive guy. It just doesn't add up, man. Yeah, it made me feel very sad for him. I mean, that is... And the brother, too, who is like...

That's a pretty, you're going to know that name, Burke Ramsey. Yeah. And then people just, I forgot what publication said he did it, but it's on Reddit. So you go on Reddit, it's like. It's all there. I figured it, some guys are like, I figured it out, dude. These Reddit detectives. Oh yeah? He won some lawsuit. They didn't say what the money was, but. He did win one? Yeah. Who knows? Oh man. But what does that money give you? You're fucking, you're dead inside. I mean, from all that, it's awful. Horrific, yeah. It's a fuck up. Are you going to watch the Rogers one?

I don't know. Maybe. I tend to watch any doc thing about football. I just always am interested in it in some way. I like the behind-the-scenes stuff of that, of like...

I'm with you, but he just bugs me so much. As a New Yorker at this point, I'm not even a Jets fan, but I'm just angry on behalf of my Jets fan friends. Because he just kind of, he came in like, we're going to fucking do this. And it's not his fault he got injured. But then like, he kind of kept the smug going for the whole like, once I'm back, dude. And then he fucking disappointed everyone again. And now he's doing worse than the last year's rookie, second year QB, that blonde kid, Zach Wilson. He's doing worse than him.

I mean, I don't know when this comes out. Maybe he'll pick it up a little, but it looks bad. Because his contract's up, right? Yeah, and he seems like he wants out. He does want out. It's like an abusive boyfriend that just ruins your life. I'm like, I'm going to see someone else now. He's just like, it just bugs me like,

I wonder if he'll hang it up. He's got to hang it out, right? I think he still wants to play. You're the last one to know that you don't have it anymore. He's a Hall of Famer. He's amazing. He's an amazing player. But like all this like self-searching shit, I don't want to hear that from my QB. I just want to see you in the weight room. I don't want to know you have a Sherpa. Yeah. It's like ridiculous. And I was trashing him because I was, you know, I'm angry just watching on behalf of my New York friends because Jets fans have suffered. I'm a Giants fan, by the way. We're not good either. But...

Just on behalf of my Jets fan friends, I'm just like, what are you doing to them? You're just torturing them. Torturing them. And the fact that he just, he threw one of his wide receivers under the bus in that interview. He was like, you ran the wrong route. It's like, you don't, you know, if you're a comic, you're not like, why do I have a bad set? The guy who opened for me fucking sucked. That's why. It's like, you're doing the same thing. You're throwing your guy under the bus.

So I don't like that. And then he said, yeah, one of the guys, I guess ran the wrong route. He blamed an interception on that. And, uh,

I don't know. And I was trashing him. And I got all these like, well, you, I bet you can't throw a football. It's like, so I can't critique a football player. I'm not saying like, I'm just saying he's playing badly. I'm not getting into like the minutia of why. Sure. If I'm on a flight that's going down, I can't fly a plane. I'm not going to be like, well, I can't speak because, uh, I'm not a pilot. Cause I'm not a pilot. I don't have my hours yet. Yeah. So it just all bugs me. Like who's defending him at this point? Like, of course it's a hall of famer. He's a beast. I, in his prime, but you know, 40 is old in football. Not everyone's going to be LeBron. Yeah.

40 is, I know. Aaron Rodgers is like, I read. I'm like, cool, that's not translating to anything on the... Like LeBron, you ever seen LeBron with a book? He's always on the first page. Yeah, yeah, I've seen that. He never finishes a book. He's always like, it just started. Maybe reading is your kryptonite. Think less. This guy, the older you get to, the more you look at LeBron and go, what the fuck is going on? It's insane. It's so crazy. Because he's kind of like...

He's gotten a little worse. He doesn't play defense like he used to, obviously, but he's still pretty good. He's still, like, physically so imposing. He still has quickness, explosiveness. The Olympics were sick. Yeah, the Olympics were crazy. It also made me realize how France is gaining on America because they look pretty good, too. Yeah. Well, it's become, I mean, it's more global sport every year. It's going to, like, it should even out. It makes sense that people, and also there's that thing that

we've known this for a long time if you follow basketball in any way but teams that a lot of the international teams play together all the time where you know I mean like our our team will be assembled for

for two weeks. It really is the Avengers. And then that international team, they're that squad for two years. Yeah, it's like Wakanda. They've been together. We're just coming in. We fucking... Here we go. We're just going to figure it out. But when you have Steph Curry and Durant, they can kind of just fit anywhere. It's true, but that rhythm that teams that know each other play with is something that... It's beautiful. It's really nice. Because they probably were...

8 and 10 doing this shit. Yeah. It's kind of cool. It's cool to watch, yeah. But he is, like, as a physical specimen, the way that this guy, his body is...

to get the way that he is able to take care of himself and perform as a 40-year-old. It's insane. I remember when Donald Sterling, when they were saying, you know, the old Clippers owner who got fired for being racist and whatever, and did a lot of bad stuff in housing too that was racist, but he would go to the locker room and feel players, look at their muscles like they were racehorses. Something's wrong with this guy. But I do feel like if I met LeBron, I'd be like,

holy shit, you know, that might come out of me. Yeah. Look at your shoulders. Jesus. I mean, yeah. Like Sterling, he said the players were like, he would give tours to people too. That makes it even weirder. So he would have guests at the game taken to the locker room and be like, look at this one. Look at this guy. And like they would just like eyeball him and the players just like sit in there like, hi. And then he would just kind of like,

look at them like they were you know like a racehorse or a piece of art and then they would move on to the next one we're a gay dude I went to a basketball game with Mateo Lane and we're watching Mateo's it's like watching with a woman yeah cause he's just like he doesn't know anything about it yeah and he's just like that guy's hot you know he'd be like dude Josh Hart is he's like really hot and I'm like however I can get you into basketball cause he's my neighbor I love Mateo so however I can get him in but like he's just admiring like who's the most ripped and stuff mhm

Look at that guy's quads. But actually, I think that too. I do too, dude. That kid, Jared McCain, the one who's doing all the TikToks on the Sixers. I don't know. Uh,

He's like the new kid. He's playing out of his mind. He's like an 18th pick or something. He does all these. Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, dude, he'll be like lip syncing Green Day. He might actually be singing. I don't know if you have it. It's really funny. But it's also funny that like, you know, like now Shane Gillis is obsessed with he's texting me. He's like, I love this dude. Yeah, but it's not what Philly's used to.

Yeah, I mean, this is... I mean, this is going to make Philly more tolerant. Yeah.

You could have old guys who are like, all right, I don't know. If he puts the ball in the hoop, I'm cool with it. It's like the old racist guy whose daughter has a kid with a black guy. And then when he meets his granddaughter, he's like, I guess they're all right. But this is like two things for that dude to overcome. Because this is racial and possibly homophobia. Yeah.

Which is great. And he's a baller. Oh, dude, he's awesome. And when you're saying quads, I'm like, this dude has insane legs. Dude, I just got back from Florida and was on vacation there with the fam, you know, for like a week.

Every day I went to the beach or the pool and the only thing I point out to friends, family, whatever, are just other guys. I'm like, look at this guy. Look at this guy's physique. And everyone's like, what? And I go, look at his fucking chest. I think that's part of getting older. Is it? Because we're not as horny, but we're...

Like, we're like, holy shit, that's like hard. Yeah. Maybe that's what it is, right? Yeah. It's like full admiration. I'm like, and I was stopping guys. Like, they were like, you're not, I go, I'm going to stop this guy. So I say, what do you do? I go, Hey man, what did you swim all the time? He's like, what? Oh yeah. I swim. I go, is that it? Cause your chest is fucking crazy. And he's like, yeah, just swim in. I'm like, unbelievable. You look great. Some, some dude's going to be like, dude, the dude from two bears hit on me. That's why it's called two bears. I think they're gay. He tried to fuck me.

I mean, that's all I wanted. I was pointing them out. I do the same thing, though. I'll see dudes at the gym, and I'm like, how the fuck is, I don't ask, but I'm like, how the fuck is he so ripped? Christina goes, hey, that one guy you were admiring? She goes, turns out he's a firefighter. I go, ah, makes sense. You just light your hotel on fire. You hope he shows up. I don't want to see this dude again. Dude, carry me out of here, man. I want to see what it feels like. Pull me out of the window. Over your shoulder.

Dude, I know what you mean. A lot of it's not natural, though. A lot of those dudes, you're like, how the hell does he look like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of it is some sort of performance, and that's what I tell myself. Well, you can... Because if you're online all the time looking at stuff, there's just nothing but...

you know juiced up lunatics on there who are like yeah fucking broccoli and chicken you're like shut up i know that pisses me off minds and then there's well-known celebrities who are juiced out of their minds if you're in a marvel movie that shit ain't natural not at all they may as well hand you the needle they're all geared up even there's a few too that because sometimes there's guys who have like let's say a naturally lean build so you go oh that's possible

They're juiced up, dude. Even though I know a couple who I was like, oh, I guess this might be possible. And then I asked the person and they were like, oh, no, he was on everything. They're all on it. Is that safe or not? Safe? It's not safe, but it's probably, it's not as dangerous as,

to do if you're like, I'm doing it for these three months, as opposed to like, I do this year round all the time. So, cause some of them will just do it for the filming and then they're done. Right. But what about like an RFK? Cause whatever he's on ain't natural. He's 70 and he looks like an Avenger. How is that? That can't be good. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what he's on, but.

he's going to be in charge of health now. So maybe he'll get us on it too. That cabinet's going to be fucking, it's going to be interesting. Linda McMahon. I've always said she should play a role in education. Wrestling's made me so much more intelligent. It is kind of, it does feel like a reality show when they pick people for like, for gigs in the house. Like you're going to be in charge of, of cooking. You know, it's like, they're just like,

He's just like, I like this guy. You're in charge of the fucking defense. That's all it is. Trump was in wrestling, so he's like, Linda was good. She stood by. It's all loyalty, and she stood by Vince, so he's like, she's good. She's solid. And then, yeah, Matt Gaetz dipped so fucking quickly. That was crazy. So fast. That Vince sex story stuff was nuts. In the doc, you mean? Well, I was watching the doc, but coincidentally, like,

whatever it was a month or so prior maybe it was a few months before I read the story about this girl the girl I guess the girl that sued him and you know you're like oh it's like

Man in power, sex stuff, blah, blah, blah. And then it's like, he shit on my head and wanted the shit to stay there and dripping off. I'm like, what? And then he would send her. I mean, this is the accusation that

He'd be like, go over to that guy's room and fuck him. I want you to be like a cum-filled whore. And by the way, this all sounds like you could hear it in his voice. Yeah. I've seen enough wrestling where I'm like, I could see Vince saying that. It's gnarly, though. Yeah, he's not a good man. Pretty crazy. He's a bad dude. And also, I mean, look what he did to his kid. Look what he put Shane through.

What did he put him to? I don't know. I mean, did you see that doc on Netflix? I probably missed it. It's pretty amazing. I mean, all my, I don't know wrestling. Like Mike Lawrence is my good buddy. And Mike's like, they didn't go hard enough. Like, oh, they left out all the crazy shit. Really? He's like connected to murders and stuff, Vince. And he's, there was like Jimmy Superfly snuck up pretty clearly murdered someone. I think Vince helped him get out of it. And, and,

I mean, Shane, I mean, there's like a billionaire son jumping off a steel cage 30 feet. He could have been paralyzed. Yeah. And this is the only time his dad hugs him. It's like when he jumps off a cage and nearly dies. It's like it's like trailer trash succession or something. Yeah. Well, I mean, he kind of just like pushed him out and gave it to his daughter was tougher. They say, I think the son is like a nicer guy and the daughter is a little more like him.

I saw the part of the doc, I guess, I don't think I finished it, where I saw him talking about his dad. And he was like, yeah, my dad never said I love you except for like,

when I took the business to like the next level and he was about to die or something like that. Yeah, but you don't have to be exactly like your withholding and probably abusive dad. My dad walked out when I was a baby. If I have a kid, I'm not going to be like, shit, I guess this is in my DNA. I got to leave. Fuck. I'll be right back. Yeah, that was, it was. I hate when people blame their upbringing on bad shit they do. I find it to be like, oh, so you did zero work on yourself. Yeah, well, that's part of it.

Right? Like a lack of awareness and wanting to do better. Yeah, but he just poured it all... I think it was like that never-ending, I want to make my dad proud of me, so I'm going to build this up. But it's like, well, guess what? Your dad's dead. Yeah. So he's not going to give a shit about this. You got kids. You should be good to your kids, you know? I have little sympathy for parents who aren't good to their kids. You're fucking up people you made. Yeah. That's a... I mean...

It feels crazy when you have kids because when you have kids, like, you so want to protect, you know, and take care of them so much that when you hear about stuff like that, it just...

Part of your brain just goes, well, I don't understand. Because you just are so trying to take care of them. Yeah, I mean, a guy who poops on a woman's face doesn't strike me as the most introspective fella. No. And I really want to know. I'd really love him to comment on why shit on them. Why? Maybe that's his thing. I mean, there's always those porno links where you're just like...

I don't know who's into that, but that's weird. Yeah. And there's definitely people into it if it's there, right? But I think there's something... Look, weird is a broad term. There's something about human excrement that it's its own category. Because shit...

to all of us is revolt. Like it's just revolting, you know, not all of us. Well that, but like even that person, I think it's like, it's your body is actual waste. It's waste. And it's like the reason that it,

the smell is like, it's because you're supposed to stay away from it. Like, do you think now that he's getting really old and it's kind of falling apart a little and he probably poops himself a little and a nurse has to clean it up. He's kind of like, that's so hot. Yeah, for sure. Really? Maybe. He's probably like, she's like, don't worry. It's not that he goes, well, let's see what yours is like. Yeah.

Because I think that would be the movie. I think with him it's about the humiliation. Oh, right. I think he's probably like, this person hates this and that turns me on. Like, he's like a sadist, I think. Oh, right. Right. Yeah, I guess, I don't know, man. That cracked me up so hard, though, in the doc, though, when he's like,

He's basically on trial for, you know, all the sexual misconduct stuff. You know, they're looking into it. And they're like, you know, will he show up tonight? Like, that's part of the storyline. And he just walks out to that dumb song, No Chance. And everyone's like, yeah, you're here. He showed up. Yeah, okay. So during a threesome, McMahon defecated on her and commanded her to continue pleasuring the other man while McMahon took a shower. Yeah, he's like, I want to get this shit off of me. Grant says she had feces in her hair running down her back.

It lasted more than 90 minutes while she remained... So an hour and a half, you're covered in shit. But you're definitely right in that it's about humiliating the other person. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. I don't know. I just... Growing up is weird because I just watched this as a kid being like, this is great. Yeah. And you kind of know they're not treated well. Because think about how we travel and it's a lot. Yeah. These people are traveling...

you know, in pain. Yeah. Their body hurts and they're doing, some of them are doing like 300 days a year. It's crazy. When I met The Undertaker and we were talking about just the road and traveling and I was saying, you know, at the time, I don't know, I think, because this was like a little while ago, I was like, yeah, you know, something about the schedule where you have doubles, right? Like two shows, two shows on Thursday, two shows on Friday and how,

The cumulative effect, it really does start to break you down. There's something so welcoming when you run into a single show night because you're like, something about those doubles wear you out. And he was like, yeah, when I started wrestling, we would do doubles. So we'd do the show twice.

And so it's like, I'm talking about sitting here talking with a mic and he's doing fucking clotheslines and shit. And I was like, that's insane. And it was the same way. He was like, two Wednesday, two Thursday, two Friday. And he goes, my first thing when I got a little bit of juice in the business was

was i was like no no doubles like it was just one one show at night because they probably didn't know how many tickets they could sell at that time so they're like adding shows yeah that's crazy i mean yeah to do that shit twice in the night i mean oh dude it affects how i you know eat and stuff like and i'm just standing like we're low energy guys i know energy comics this dude is seven feet and he's jumping off jumping off i know he's it does fuck me up though i don't care what it i mean you can say whatever you want about it like

over time especially like there's tours where I've done it week after week completely I would get sick multiple times like immune system just falls apart yeah it fucks you up but it's more for me it's more mental it's more like I'm just drained I'm not like physically that bad it's more like fuck I'm like I need new jokes I'm forcing myself to do all these all these shows so I can uh

So I can hate the material enough to force new shit out of my mouth. So I'm more like run down and mad at myself. I'll do enough sets where I'm furious that I don't have more new. That's the thing. And then you go, man, even if you have one new thing at the top, all of a sudden that show, you're like, oh, that was so much better. Just because you said one new thing. Oh, dude, I did like one Hunter Biden joke the other night and it got a pop and I'm like, okay, there we go. All right, I had one thing and it made me feel brand new.

I like how they're all, by the way, I mean, not that this is new, but they're all so full of shit in politics. Oh, my God. And, like, the fact that, like, we... I mean, we can just find this with anybody, but they're like, so you're not going to pardon him? He's like, no. Absolutely. Just don't say that. Yeah, I will accept...

how this justice system and how it works. And it's like, cool, all right, good to know. And he's like, what do you want me to do? Fucking not pardon him? And the acrobatics you made these Democratic pundits do going on who are just also full of shit, who are like, yeah, you know, he said he's not going to do that. We respect the justice system in this party. The smug now is on top of it, which is annoying.

And then you come back and be like, we had to do it. You know, Trump said he's out for revenge. You have to, like, justify anything. It's his only son left. I know. And I know that it's always their job to do this, but it's why you end up loathing all press secretaries because they have to spin whatever they're told. You know what I mean? So, like...

The press secretary has to come out and be like, no, he's not going to do that. And then the next day has to go, what do you want him to do? Not do it? And then bring up the counterpoints. And it's like, so we can't believe anything you say ever. Press secretaries are always just master manipulators. But I think most Americans are cynical enough to be like, none of us feel burned. We're like, yeah, that's what they do. That's what they do. No, of course. It's just another glaring example.

It reminds me of college football coaches when they're like, I'm not taking the gig. Okay? I'm staying here. Vince McMahon, I'm not pooping on an employee's face. I've never done that. Pooping on someone? It's so gross. Do you guys know what it smells like? And he's like, I have to. I love that he was like, that's gross. I'm going to go shower. That's disgusting. I'll be back. And then he got back and he's like, you're still covered in shit? Ugh.

And he didn't pay her that much, right? I don't know. He raised her salary to 200 grand. I'm like, that's not that much to get pooped on. To get shit on? Yeah. And stay there, too. He wasn't just like, this is my kink. I'm going to shit. No, he's like, you stay there. You blow that other guy. Can you imagine she's at lunch with her friend and her friend's complaining about work and she's like, you think you have a bad job? Yeah. The boss is pooping on me. Yeah, and not only that, it's said that

He commanded her to keep pleasuring the other guy. What if you're the other guy? And you know who the other guy was? I think it was Brock Lesnar, wasn't it? Was it Brock Lesnar? I'm pretty sure.

Holy shit. Which, by the way, I don't think I would want to have a threesome with Brock Lesnar. No way, dude. How highly do you think of yourself? You're like, I'm going to go in there with Brock Lesnar. And give this girl a show. No, but wouldn't you be so mad as the other guy? You'd be like, no, no, no. I want you to shower, too. Because I can smell. It's in your hair. It's really gross. It's so gross. I don't care that that's my boss. Yeah.

You don't just get to make, I don't want to sit here and get this blowjob with her covered in your shit. It's not cool. Not only that, it's like, it's one thing for Linda to find out her husband's fucking around on her. It's another to find out he's fucking around with employees because now it's a lawsuit that she's a company, it's a company she's a part of. It's a third to find out poop is involved. Poop. This is like an onion with layers that keep on giving. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yes.

But is that... Wait, hold on, though. This might be a separate thing. That might be a separate thing, yeah. That might not be the... What's this one? Just that he forced her to create personalized sexual content for a superstar that he was trying to re-sign. So that... Because he involved multiple people in these sexual escapades. And that one...

Let's see, Grant, that he likes... This is like old school showbiz shit. This feels like mob shit. It does feel like mob stuff, yeah. This feels like 1940s Bugsy Siegel, Mickey Cone type depravity. It says that maybe Brock wanted her to send a video of herself urinating, which is cool. Like, man, defecate on her threesome. It doesn't say...

oh my god yeah it doesn't say who that person was there it's cool if if brock's in the piss though that's kind of a cool detail to learn it's interesting you never know you never know what people are into piss video is he in the piss or is vince just like you should get into this like he's an older guy like you'll get into it yeah it's cool oh you're not into that yet let me have my friend send you a video there's a girl on instagram

who is like her whole, I don't know how she doesn't get shut down. It's all like power pissing. And she sits there and just angles her camera in such a way where you don't, you can't see her, you know, private parts, but piss just everywhere. I've heard of this. And it's got like, what the, who is this? I always thought I've heard of this. Yes. And the wall street journal did a nice piece on it. Dude, you know, 60 minutes. Dude, uh,

I know what you mean. It is crazy...

Because porn is essentially like, even with your starting point, porn is like things you should not do. It's like fucking your friend's mom. It's all like kind of wrong, right? And then you keep escalating to the point that you get to shit. Shit is, yeah, it is about raising the stakes, right? Because what's wrong every few years gets worse. You're raising your tolerance to this. It's like when you're, the first time you see a girl in a bikini, you're like, oh my God. I know. Right? And then it's like topless. You're like, it doesn't get crazier than that. I used to have a bit about jacking off to Jennifer Love Hewitt's Smile.

Yeah. And then it gets worse. It gets worse. It gets fucking worse. So what's that first one there? She's like, hey. Oh. That's crazy. Okay, so I got it. So it's not real? No, it's real because that's definitely real. That should warm things up. That should warm things up. I just wanted you guys to know that... By the way, this is like a new scouting tape for Vince. He's like, someone get me this girl's number. She would definitely be...

getting calls from him if she was on the roster. This is weird. Why are our jokes getting flagged and this shit is okay? This is alright. I can't say sex in a bit. That gets flagged, but she can pee. What does the link go to? Is it just like a pay site? It's like OnlyFans. OnlyFans, many... It's like a bunch of pay sites. Where I guess you get more...

Right? You get longer streams? You get longer streams. Open mouth. She pees. Yeah, I mean... Yeah, it's pretty cool, man. I don't know, man. I'm like... Porn is getting like... I'm more just irritated by porn as I get older, too. I can't even like...

You know what's like an ultimate peeve in porn is like the dude who's like trying to be like too animated. Oh, yeah. Where he like takes you out of it. He's like, what? You're going to fuck me? And you're like, just fucking do it. It's like doing crowd work with a guy who's trying to be funny. And you're like, just let me do this. You just respond normally. You just do the, you're just there to be there. We're here not for you. We're here for her. The overacting, like when they go like. What? You're going to fuck me? Yes. You knew. You knew.

Yeah. There's so much porn. It's too much. I mean, I'm still on 2006 porn. There's no way you can catch up. I'm still on the shit I jerked off to growing up. The only thing that I actually really wanted that even turns me on anymore... I can't watch...

like a manufactured pretend turned on thing. I like the genuine behind the scenes, like the real one. Yeah. Because then they're doing something that they are like,

doing to arouse each other. You know what I mean? Yeah, and it's also like a different type of, it's like you've watched too many thrillers and you get like a documentary now. Yeah. It's just like a different genre. It's a different, but here's the thing. There's, because porn does this with everything. There's the fake behind the scenes. That one doesn't do it for me. It's got to be the authentic behind the scenes. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sure, sure. That's the only one I like. Yeah, man. No, I'm with you. I don't even know what I like anymore.

You want to, like, kind of ration it, too. You don't want to be, like, too... You don't want to be on the road and being, like... It's so easy to just jerk off, like, three times in a day. Easy, yeah. I used to. Yeah. I used to. I was bad. I think, like, that was just part of the... Dealing with the anxiety of, what am I doing? I know. You know what I mean? Like, I'm in Hartford. And, you know...

I'm in Hartford, question mark is a great title to a book. It's like, I spent $600 on the flight. I'm making $600. Like, what am I doing? So yeah, you're just in your room like, let me get another cheese stick and jerk off. That was kind of, I don't know. You know what I mean? Like, you look back and you go, oh, that's what...

Things happen. Your behaviors happen for a reason. I was like, you're trying to get some dopamine going because you're like, what am I doing? You're also kind of like, what else am I going to do? You're like, I'm here all day. It's different than when you're...

a little older and you have like, oh, okay, this is my job. Then you go like, I should write or I should go work out. Like, your brain changes, right? But it helps to bring a friend because if you have a friend who's a good influence, like my friend Gary would be like, let's wake up at like,

8.45, 9, we'll work out. I'm like, all right. Really? So you guys are doing that? Kind of, yeah. We just do something just to get the brain awake. Yeah. You just don't want to waste the day. Just so you kind of see, especially when you're on the road, you're like, I got to try new shit. I'm doing one or two hours tonight. I got to, if I do the same show as last night, I'm a failure. Yeah. So you get yourself into that.

I'll listen to the set. It's coming together, but it's like I'm always in awe of comics who just don't need... I need to throw shit at the wall. I'm sure you do. You do so many stories. When you're doing a story, you're kind of like...

I know where this is going to end maybe, but I don't know how I'm going to get there sometimes. Well, the interesting, Oh, for sure. The interesting part, the most interesting part of like figuring out a story is like telling it in the first few times where you're over telling it, but you don't, but you have to, you have to go like, okay, all this is unnecessary, but you don't know that until you do it. So that story, the first time you're like,

And then, yeah, you find a place where it goes eventually. And then sometimes you go, I think it ends here. And you realize, oh, I should kind of like add to it. You know, it's like it is like this equation that you don't know all the numbers yet. But like the only way to do it is by trying it out. I also had one where I had this bit now where I told –

a version of this bit before and I used to do a longer version of it and I realized that this add-on that I was doing was taking the joke from like here to like here so I cut that so now it ends on like a more you know a stronger ending basically yeah it's

Sometimes you have a line that you love and you're like, this adds something, but you keep listening and you're like, it doesn't work. It doesn't work. We get into this thing, I think all comedians do, where...

It's like a, it's a form of insanity almost where you go, I'm going to say the thing I like. And then you say it and you're ignoring the reaction. And you're like, it's still funny to me. And you keep saying it. For some people, that's their whole act. Yeah. That whole act is like, I think it's funny. And they're like, none of this is working. None of it works. But then I think there's this point where you're like, yeah, I just, I'm better at that now at going like, that's not working.

Yeah, stories are like... I'll usually do like one or two per hour. I don't... Like I can't... I just...

Yeah, but you're a joke-writing machine. Oh, thanks, man. I mean, I just like... But I think you need something else. Like, I mean, I've seen other... Then you'll see a guy like, you know, some people that have long stories, but then you'll have some short bits, too. Especially early stuff was a lot of short bits, you know? Or someone like Jim Jefferies, who will tell a long story that's hilarious, but then he'll also do like... He'll just throw a one-liner out there every once in a while, and you're like, oh, shit, all right. I think you got to keep them on their toes a little bit. You do. Or else you become predictable, and it's like... Yeah, yeah.

I think like my hour right now is shaped by like, it usually almost has like some mix of this of like short bit, short bit story, quick, quick, you know, quick one liner story store. Like it's like a, it's a mix of it, but you try to not make the order of it too predictable, you know?

Yeah, that's also the hard thing. I'll do this sometimes where I'm like, oh, there's a good joke, and then I'll put it too early, and they just think I'm a fucking asshole. Because I'm like, oh, I'm an asshole in this bit. You didn't earn it yet. My crowd will laugh at that, but if I do that, I did a show, man, there are these guys who do these shows in New York, and pop-up shows like

they'll do it at Peter Luger's Steakhouse. They'll do it at like Paragon Sports. I just did one at Katz's Deli and I bombed so fucking hard because the show just kept getting pushed back. Like I saw Louie at the cellar. He's like, I'm doing that Katz's show with you. He's like, I'm going on after you. I was like, oh sweet. For some reason he just like went on and I was like, fuck what? I thought I was before Louie.

And he did like, I think he thought I went on. So we did like 30. I'm like, fuck. All right. It's like 1145. That kid Marcello from SNL is there. And he's like, I'm shooting a thing at 6 a.m. Like, go ahead. Fuck. But like, he's so adorable and funny and likable. I go on. I'm like, my first joke was like way too fucking...

not nice. And they were like, this guy's a fucking asshole. So I'm just bombing after two pastrami sandwiches at Katz's Deli at like 12, 15 in the morning. I'm like, this sucks. This is the worst. I feel bad. Earning, it's a thing where like, I figure that all the time where like your show, you can kind of like play with that, you know? Like, do they like you? And it's your show, so they like you. But then you go do like a, just like a random showcase show and you try to do the same thing

type of order and they're like no no you still have to get like some goodwill you gotta earn it yeah you have to earn it too and it's a different thing it's like you're on the road like like you're hitting the road or i'm hitting the road it's kind of like you get used to just the hour yeah you know and then it's like cool when you're a young comic you're like how do i get five minutes how do i get to this point and then you're old you're like how do i get down it's a different thing it's so i was like trying to do a fallen set and i was like how the fuck do i do a five minute

It's almost panic inducing. I just got back from a, like a string of shows. I got back and I go to the club here and they're like, do you want to go on? I'm like, sure. And I'm just like in my head going like, how do I figure out what 15 minutes to kind of play with? Yeah. And it's like, and then here's the thing is like, it starts well. So you're like, Oh, I think I found my stride for this 15 minutes.

And then all of a sudden it just takes a left turn and you're like, oh fuck, I just lost it. Like I lost it here. I relate so much to that because like it's been happening to me at the cellar. Like there'll be some young hungry, young killer there and I'm following this comic and I'm like, oh shit. All right. I got to kind of bring it. There's nothing worse than when you're like, I'm trying all these new jokes and you see the person in front of you just

annihilating and you're like fuck all right well i can't be a pussy got to do them yeah but then you just are like eating it for the first that's the hard thing too is like all right well do i start old and kind of earn it or do i do i just like say fuck it maybe they'll give me some bonus points because these are all clearly new because they're topical and that'll help me but

I usually just, I'm like, I'll just fall on my face and hopefully I'll win him back. But like, I've had a couple recently where I'm like, shit, I don't know what the right move is. But I think that's,

That tells me too that I think that's the healthy way to approach it. The fact that it doesn't go well sometimes means that you're doing it the right way. As crazy as that might sound to somebody. That's what we tell ourselves. Only hacks kill every time. But it's true, I think. I think it's true, dude. I think it's true. I also feel that boredom thing so much. One thing I've done on this tour, I've been on this tour now for about a year now,

is, you know, it always is like tweaking a little bit, right? Things get dropped, things get added. But I have taken...

every 15 minute chunk of this hour and done it in different orders. So I've opened with it, put it second, put it third and put it fourth and moved it around. That's kept it like interesting and different. And like, it goes different ways and different more. And like, I, there's certain nights where you could tell me that's the way to do it. And then the next time I'm like, I don't think that's the way to do it. But I think the doubt doubt is a good thing in comedy. I think it, it keeps you,

First of all, you don't want to be overly confident and you also want to be somebody who goes like, okay, doubt means that you actually have some risk to what you're doing and to what you're saying. So I don't know. I'm a big fan of like,

of just embracing that, like you said, like following the person going, fuck it. I'm just doing this anyway. And it might each, and then it does eat shit. And you're like, whatever, like that means you're trying things, but you switching the order to keeps it present. I think, I think that's like, you're now like, you're not, it's so easy to go on autopilot and lose the joy in this. But I remember Louie would say that he would, um,

he would open his new hour on his last hour's closer because it would put so much pressure on him and like man that is a that's a tough thing to do to yourself is open on your best bit yeah and then just like be like oh these aren't good yet yeah but it'll it'll make you get good it that stuff that that advice i think works i mean moving your heavy hitters up front does that too and then sometimes yeah you suffer through sets like i've done sets where like

I felt like the 20 minutes in, it was like bedlam in there. Just people. And then I'm like, all right. And I settled in and it was like turned into a eulogy where I was like, fuck. Like, you know, but it does make you address them and change things. And just like, will you still hit clubs when you are working out? Like on the road, every once in a while where you'd be like, I'll hit a road club or no? I mean, uh, I feel like the, the,

rhythm i kind of go with is like once the thing is out i just play clubs for a while trying to figure it out then i try to do some theaters and then go on from there i mean i did do like the i did that den in chicago i filmed a special there that was awesome i love that room i did that chicago is awesome yeah chicago is just like one of the best cities dude i just it's great

I just love being there. I love, I don't know. They got, they love to talk shit like on New York. They're like, this is affordable. We got the water right there. And I'm like, look, you're not wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Sports town. It's a great, it's a great sports town. I love it, dude. And, uh, that room, the den, I did a Netflix special there and it was like, um, yeah, it's perfect. That was one of my surprise, like most fun rooms. And that's, that's, I did that as I was like getting ready to go on tour. Chicago is, yeah, that's a, that's a,

That's a place I always love hitting. Chicago, Boston. There's some of those like comedy cities that are just like so... I cannot wait to do... Are you doing Boston Garden? Yeah. Or TD Garden or whatever? Dude. I did it recently because I was doing... I did Comics Come Home. Yeah. Dennis Leary's thing with like the stack lineup. It was like Bill Burr, Bobby Kelly, Ronnie Chang, all these great comics on it. And so much fun, man. They gave me a Bruins jersey though, customized. And I was like, what am I going to do? I mean, I'm flattered, but I'm also like...

I'm a New York guy. I can't rock a Bruins jersey, but it's a cool gift. Yeah, it's cool. You frame it. There were some Boston guys there who were like, what the fuck? This is amazing. It was a Rangers one. I would have gone nuts. Yeah, of course. But it's a cool cause, and it's like, you know, oh, dude, I was going up there, and I'm taking the train up because I'm like, it's an easy commute, and the train in front of me fucking runs over a person. What? So we're on the tracks, and I'm like, I wonder if Ronnie Chang is on...

that guy didn't see him on my train so i text him like are you on the train that hit a person he was like yeah dude we're not moving we're in the middle of the tracks i don't know what to do and i was like well we're off like so let me see if i can like pick you up in an uber and we'll just like it's like a two-hour uber but we got to make the benefit you know yeah so ronnie was like uh i can't i'm literally in the middle of the tracks we can't move we ran over a person so i was like holy so this guy comes back and

this like guy works for Amtrak sees me and he recognized me and he goes, I hope you make your gig tonight, man. And I was like, oh, thanks. And yeah, I said, do you want tickets if we make it? And he was like, really? That's amazing. So cause I, so I did that. He felt like he had to update me every two minutes. So like what's going on? So he'd like come back and be like, Hey, it was a woman. And I'm like, oh fuck. All right. Shit.

And then I was like, all right. And then he'd come back like two minutes later and he's like, she was sitting Indian style. It was a suicide. Like, you know, it's going so quickly that the conductor, the engineer, he can't slow down. So he just, he had to watch that. I was like, that's fucking awful, man. Oh, man. And then he goes, so the tickets are at box office? Yeah.

And I was like, yeah. And he emailed me that night because I was like, here's my email in case anything goes wrong. And I emailed him. I was like, he said, I got it. I was like, let me know how the show is and make sure they take care of you and stuff. And he wrote, man, amazing lineup, great night. That lady getting run over is the best thing that ever happened to me. Pfft.

Holy shit. But it was crazy. It was a crazy experience. Dude. I mean, we showered at the venue because, you know, you give yourself a couple hour window, but we were delayed a few hours. So I ended up showering in the...

visiting locker room for the Celtics. It's like enemy territory, man. Celtics and that water stream is shit. Is it really? I think they do that to the visitors. Yeah, to be like, fuck you. Here's a shitty stream. It'll take you forever to shower. Yeah, that's awesome. It was great. I was like, this is cold and shitty. We were on the road somewhere and one of the guys from my crew was like, oh, I was talking to this chick at the bar and

and she's a conductor. She's a trained conductor for Amtrak. And he goes, I asked her, have you ever hit somebody? And she goes, yeah, seven people. And he was like, what? And she goes, yeah, it's just part of the gig. Especially on the holidays, they say. Because people get really sad. She goes, my dad is also an Amtrak conductor. That's how I got into this. And he's hit over 40 people. Oh, my God. And I was like, what? And they were just like, yeah, it's just how it goes. It's just part of the...

It's one of those things, man, you're just going to hit people. You see some shit. Fuck, man. People like explode when a train hits them. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Train going that fast with that much mass. So I guess the hope is at least it's quick. It's quick, yeah. But that is rough. That's rough. And also like they have to, that's a bad gig, whoever has to like dispose. Because you have to, the train can't move. You have to dispose. I guess you go back over it. I know. And you have to dispose, hose it down. Shit.

It's a bad gig. The scooper. Amtrak's super reliable. Great way to get in. Don't sleep on Amtrak. I do love Amtrak. They're great. I love a good train. I love a good train. Especially a scenic route. You get a nice view. I want the old school, like when you see in the movies where it's like this bedroom. You know what I mean? Like Murder on the Orient Express. Yeah, yeah. Like that, yeah. Sleep on it and...

It's kind of cool. That would be a cool thing. I did that one time when I was a young comic and just like making no money. I did a 26 hour train ride to Toledo, Ohio. No shit. Yeah. From New York? Yeah. Cause it was like the cheapest way to get there. And I, you know, I didn't have a car and I'm a shit driver. And, uh, I was, it was like a connect train ride and for like a feature weekend, but it was like a hundred bucks. I was like, I'll fucking do it. Was it cool?

Yeah, it was kind of cool. It was kind of like a cool adventure. It was only that bad because I think of a hurricane, so it messed up a rail. But I was like, whatever gets me there cheapest, I will do. And it was like, yeah, fun weekend. I think a train is so cool. Don't forget, you can see Sam on his new tour, the Errors Tour, beginning in February.

We'll be right back.

all the comedy clubs in New York, The Stand, New York Comedy Club, Gotham I believe is carrying it now too. - Awesome. - So yeah, and a bunch of new bars are about to carry it and yeah man, Poroso's and Bodega Cab, I rock my Poroso's head all the time. - Thanks very much, we're gonna crack open some whiskey here in a little bit, get the day started right.

Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Oh, dude. Austin, Dallas, D.C. I'm hitting like 50 cities. So samorell.com slash shows for tickets. Charlotte, Tulsa.

I'm not going to say them all obviously, but, uh, I'm literally coming. I'm not gonna say your tour name. I'm coming everywhere. The best tour name of all time. I saw that. I was like fucking jealous. I was like, that is, that was a good tour. And that was right there for any of us. Yeah. I'm coming everywhere. But, uh, yeah, the errors tour. And I got like, I'm going to be, I'm coming to every city, uh,

And if it's not there right now, it's going to be added for the fall. But samrell.com slash shows. One of the best comics working today. That's no shit. Absolutely. Go get tickets. Go see him. Laugh your ass off. And we'll see you guys next week. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.