Trippin' Balls On A Plane w/ Russell Peters | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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This week, I will be in San Diego at the Pechanga Arena on November 8th, and I'll be in Phoenix at the Footprint Center on November 9th. Next month, I'll be in New Orleans, Louisiana at the Lakefront Arena on December 7th, and I'll be in Pensacola, Florida at the Pensacola Bay Center on December 8th. All the tickets are at TomSegura.com slash tour. 100% excuse me.

And welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Pretty crazy news regarding my co-host Bert's nervous system. He has some type of nerve issue, neuropathy stuff that they're doing. They're treating him. And right now, thankfully sitting in for him today is the great Russell Peters, everybody. Hey! Hey!

I'm sure the people watching is going, who? Or why the fuck him? No. You're beloved, man. You are beloved. By comics. Yeah. But I mean, I think. But real people, no. You don't think real people love you? Some, I think it's 50-50. I think it's split pretty decently. Really? Yeah, it's half hate, half love. But isn't that mean that like, you've actually made it? I could be. I don't think that people who are. Like usually, the most beloved comedians are comedians who haven't quite hit yet.

Right. That's who's beloved. Like, they're kind of ascending. People are like, we want them to get a shot. Right. And then when, like, once you're like... Once you get the shot. Then the people go, oh, fuck this guy. Yeah, yeah. It's like when people are like, oh, I used to like Eminem before people knew who he was. You're like, okay, shut up. Calm down there. What is, by the way, you are... I've told this before many times publicly, that you're one of the people that, like...

If I had to say the things that I identify that make up what I am, what I like, I would definitely list hip-hop music in there. And then I'm like, yeah. And then I met Russell Peters. And I was like, oh, I guess maybe I don't like hip-hop. Because I don't know a fucking 1 100th of your knowledge of hip-hop is absolutely astonishing. Do you know the ironic part? It's I don't really listen to it. Really? Yeah. I generally listen to just probably classic rock most of the time. Really? Yeah.

I love hip hop as a culture as a culture as a culture because it's part of your foundation it made me who I am yeah made me dress a certain way walk a certain way talk a certain way dance I've seen you dance dance a certain way and I've seen you DJ DJ a certain way do you still get on the turn tape I absolutely do you do I thought you were going to have a set set up we're going to get busy no but I've seen you do it many times yeah it's fun yeah so I'll do a party for you guys one day what is because I find this fascinating specifically about Eminem and I'll say this

Eminem, almost like to the point we were just saying about having made it, has people who go, I love this guy. A whole bunch of people that will be like, I hate this guy. Like, hate somebody. You're like, wow. And then every time there's like, the two things I've heard about the

criticism and then in defending them people will be like oh they ain't they ain't playing eminem in the hood like they're not you know but but then every time an elite mc is in a radio interview like fucking rock kim or somebody they will all be like eminem is like he is either they'll either say he's the greatest or this is one of the greatest of all time guys incredible yeah they always say he's in a different different lane

what's your take saying I would I think Eminem's dope I mean does he does he make some flop albums sure but who doesn't yeah it's not like everybody's banging out you know bangers every month no he you know he takes his time he sits and he waits till he gets some ideas and he comes back he doesn't need to do it that's why he does it just for like he does it just because he remind you I'm I can still do this yeah and I'm super creative and yeah

He's a recluse though. He does not leave his house. He's just in Detroit. He's somewhere in Michigan. Every time I play like Windsor, you play Windsor, I call Royce and I'm like, Royce, why don't you come to the show? He's like, I'll come. Why don't you call Marshall? He just sends me laughing emojis. And I go, what? He goes, Marshall ain't coming there. Marshall's not crossing the border to come see your dumb ass. Staying at his house. Yeah.

Yeah. Are you a recluse? No. You used to go, you, when I started a tour with you, I should inform people that you're one of the, the people that I, that showed me how to do this, like how to be a touring comedian, um, how to fucking treat people like you were extreme, always been extremely generous. You treated everybody with respect and,

You put on great shows, big shows. And so you're somebody who I was like, oh, this is how to be. You need examples. You have an example. And I would tour with you.

go all over the place um i feel like you you're a bit of an extrovert though right because you really i know i like people you like people i like people but i don't leave my house very often when i'm home just because i'm like i'm never home so you know when you're home you're like well might as well just stay here i paid for this yeah i mean yeah that's true and you have a nice house so it's a decent one i moved back to the malibu house that you came to really

Yeah, that's where I introduced you to Big Daddy Kane the first time. That is where you introduced me, which was one of the more surreal moments I've ever experienced. That was like one of those...

oh this is what like there's these that was when you were big-headed Harry Tom yeah the hair and a big head big head yeah but there's like these things like when you hear Hollywood stories you know I mean like so-and-so and then I got the call and then I showed up and then they're like you got the part it was like my version of that where I my first special came out I talked about Big Daddy Kane then one day I

because I lived in this really weird guest house that I was renting in Redondo, I would always just get voicemails. Like the phone wouldn't ring. It would just be like voicemail. Yeah. And I'm just like, it would be for everybody. Everybody would just go straight to voicemail. And I press, press play. It just goes, sup Tom, this is Big Daddy Cam. What the fuck? I'm chilling at your boy Russ house. Like I still remember the message. Yeah. And,

And then you were like, yeah, you should come over. And I just was like, I have to go do this. Yeah, well, you know how it happened. Kane was staying with me. And he said, hey, Russ, you know this guy Tom Segura? But the way he said it, I was like, oh, shit. What did he do? I go, yeah, of course I know Tommy. He goes, he's a funny dude. I go, oh, OK. He did a joke about me. I liked it. And I said, oh, let's call him. That's amazing. That's exactly how that happened. Yeah.

I still stay in touch with him. I still have my Sub Kane t-shirt. Yeah, Sub Kane. Sub Kane. Yeah, people yell that to me. He says it gets yelled at him all the time. Yeah, that was such an amazing moment. You took me to London. That was fun. You've done the O2 on your own now, right? No, I've only done Wembley. Oh.

I think I'm doing Wembley again next year. It was great. Wembley's fun. But you do the O2 now just as a revisit. Next year, it'll be your 15th anniversary of doing it. The reason we couldn't get O2 on this tour was schedule. Because these things, people don't realize, especially with the big venues, they're just like, oh, no, it's not available. You just can't have it.

You can have it next fall and you're like, I'm not going to be there then. Yeah, they always try to. That's the thing. And also the bigger the name, the more likely you are to get bumped down. Taylor Swift just bought the arena for a month and a half. Okay, cool. I had kind of a surreal thing with that where I have this tour lined up and then I get a call and they're like, hey, are you willing to move this date at this one arena? And I'm like, why? Why?

Iron Maiden wants it and I'm like no no but I was like I'm not just like giving it up I'd lose it to Iron Maiden no they're like well you get some kickback like and I was like tell me and then they told me and I was like no that's not enough oh that's not a kickback that's more of a here's a dollar kid thanks for holding the door for me is there a place you hate to tour I've been like very vocal about where did you hate

I got on the news in Erie for talking about it. Erie, Pennsylvania? Yeah, I was like, fuck this place. I mean, it's Erie, Pennsylvania. What the fuck else do they got going on?

you know who's from erie pennsylvania i know weird facts apparently about erie uh there's a newscaster named maria san son that used to be on fox 11 and now she's somewhere in boston she's from erie pennsylvania but i knew that because there's a porn star named rebecca bardot that's from erie pennsylvania too oh really yeah just uh have you met these two women well i i banged roberta uh what's her name uh rebecca year before really yeah how was she

Crazy. Can you look it up? She's an older one, so I don't like young girls. I can't see her on our bigger screen. Oh, nice. I like them old like that. You like them old? Older, yeah. That's why your mom's on the table for me. I'm just kidding. Holy shit. That's so crazy. I'll show her one bear. Nice. Okay. How'd you meet the... Did you meet her online? How'd you meet her? No, I don't know how I met her. Probably from Yoshi. Yoshi.

Oh my God. You know, if you're going to meet a porn star, it's going to be from Yoshi. He's the perfect conduit. Oh yeah. Has he introduced you to a bunch? He's a come to it. He's a come to it. He's introduced me to a bunch. I remember one night I had, this was like maybe 17 years ago, I had, for some reason, Yoshi had brought Joey Silvera

to come see me perform. - Yeah. - And Joey and I were buddies already, so that was cool. But then Rocco Soffredi showed up. - Yes. - And this other guy, I forgot his name, he used to do these smothering videos for Evil Angel.

where girls would just sit on your face until you couldn't breathe and you'd see the guy legs kicking so she has to get off his face but anyway that's nice yeah family family viewing and uh so we ended up me Rocco Sofretti Joey Silvera and this other porn guy at In-N-Out and I'm like I look at him I go you know guys this is the most ironic thing ever three porn stars and me at In-N-Out of all fucking places I know it's a perfect California get together Rocco came to the taping I did with you

He was at that in the Showtime one. Oh, in England? No, no. Yeah, that's the one I'm talking about. Oh, yeah, that night. That night. Oh, that night you went to... It was that night. Shit, you were on that. Yeah, I was on that, yeah. I forgot I put you on that. Yeah, yeah. That was... Russell Peters Presents or something? Mm-hmm. But... Was that 2007? No, that was... Eight? Nine. Nine, yeah. Early nine. Okay.

What? Okay, but so wait, is there a shit place though? Is there a place where you're like, I fucking, I don't want to go there. Just let them have it. There's nowhere that stands out in my mind. Really? Yeah, there's places I...

- There's no really that I haven't. - Well, how about this? - There's been places I've not enjoyed as much as others, but like-- - That happens. - But I don't know, I can't, like they're not coming to me. - Now you do like, you're an incredible mimic. You do so many impressions, like you can do accents really well.

Is there, I feel like for myself, when you go impression, it's not part of my stand-up, but I'm just saying in life, there's things that come naturally to you. Like you just go, oh, I can do that one. Oh, yeah, I do it right back to people immediately if I hear it. Is there one that was tough to crack, but then you got it? I never worked on them. Really? It either happens or it don't happen. So it's the same kind of thing. Yeah, it's kind of like, you know, I'm not going to.

Because if you're working on it, then what am I doing? A character? Yeah, yeah. I'm really just like, you know, I talk to you and...

Even if it's just an American accent, but if they have a wimpy voice, a deep voice, whatever, I tend to just repeat exactly what I just heard. And for the foreign ones, it's just like that too. Same thing. So you just have a great ear. Oh, he does an accent. I just do what I hear. Yeah. But you also pick up on, the whole thing is you pick up on the social aspects of that culture. You don't just do a voice. Yeah, yeah, no. Well, if you're also doing a voice, your body has to change.

You can't just do an Indian voice and be straight like, hello everybody. But your whole body goes, hello everybody. And then if it doesn't do this, if it doesn't flow, what the fuck are you doing? Because this is what they do. It's what we do. That's why you never have to worry about India working on AI robots because you know how hard it is to make a robot do this? It'd need to be on a gimbal. Yeah.

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No, that one is, yeah, the Indian, obviously the Indian one you're. Have you done India yet? I've never done it. You should do it. I've done a lot. I've done South Africa. Great, isn't it? Yeah, I've done a lot of Western Europe. I've done Hong Kong, Singapore, Tokyo, Macau.

In Asia, that's like my extent of Asian touring. You've done fucking everywhere. I've done all those. You've done the Middle East I've never done. Yeah, the Middle East is great. No, I have. Well, I've done Abu Dhabi. No, you did it last year. Earlier this year. This year, yeah. May, right? That's the first time. Sorry, that's my first time going there. Etihad. Etihad. I opened up that arena. You did? I was the first guy in there.

That must have been... It was in 2021. It was during pandemic. And I tell you that after... So they gave me the pregame speech of don't talk about Islam, don't talk about the royals, and don't be fucking gross. And I was like, I can help you with two of those, but I'm just going to be gross. And you could tell that it's a release. You could see the people, when I'm saying things, actually cheering. They're enjoying it, right? And then afterwards...

I'm back in like the dressing room and then somebody comes in and they're like, hey, um,

some of the royals would like to say hello and i just was like like just kind of from yeah they do and they're like yeah you want to come down here okay i go out in this room and a lot of times these post show meet somebody things are bare like it's empty yeah but like i get in front of the you know the backdrop thing for the photo and i said there's like 40 people in the room i'm like what the is going on and then these three gorgeous

girls walk up and I'm like who's this like these are the royal daughters I'm like oh fuck and I did this thing where like normally you're like hey like arms around like arms in front of you and I was like I do that too I was like hello and I was like scared I was like I'm sorry about what I did and they're like no we enjoyed it I was like okay

Am I in trouble? And they're like, no, everything's fine. We loved it. We can't wait to see you again. I was like, okay. And I just wanted it to wrap up. I still felt scared. That happened to me at one of my shows in Abu Dhabi years ago. One of the princesses came back to say hi and she was beautiful. I was just like,

What? And I couldn't. I was like, and she had like an all-female security team. Yeah, yeah. And they all had automatic weapons underneath their burkas. Uh-huh. But you could see the strap and you could see the gun sticking out. And I was like, oh, shit. And they didn't look like girls that are like, oh, my God, how do I fire this? They look like, let's go, motherfucker. Yeah, yeah.

But she was really sweet and very kind. They're very sweet. They're very sweet. And they make you feel very comfortable. Every royal person I've ever met is all the same. They always know how to make you feel like, oh,

Oh, they take your defense down because you're like, hey, don't worry about all the formal stuff. Let's just be people right now. Let's just be people, yeah. Well, you have the best story ever about King of Jordan. Yeah, that was cool. That was a cool story. He's my buddy. And then Prince Charles, I met him. What was he like? Same thing? Yeah. I meet him at this function in London, and he's like,

"Where's the Indian detective?" And I go, "Oh, ah," he goes, "Russell Peters, he talks very like that." And it sounds like my dad almost. - Your dad had that, British? - British with an Indian twang too, but not heavy, it was pretty good. So we're walking, me and Prince Charles, and I got my hands in front of me, and he's got his bloated hands in front of him.

Have you seen his hands? Yes. They're fucking disgusting. In person, it's even worse. Yeah. They look like blood sausages. They do. That's just gout, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at that. Yeah. Yeah. So we're walking, and Camilla's walking behind us. And I go, oh, sir, do you want your wife to walk with us? He goes, oh, no. It's like, he's a real guy. Yeah, he's a real guy. He's like, I've had enough of that. That was the nicest way of saying, fuck that bitch. Yeah.

That's fucking amazing. Look at those little sausages. Oh, yeah. It kind of makes me want a sausage. Yeah, Jesus. Like a nice little breakfast sausage right now. Imagine if he pricks his finger, he'll flood the place. Oh, my God. He just deflates. What? Is that explained? What are they? Is that gout? It's definitely... It's some sort of circulation thing. Retaining fluid, right? Cause by... What does it say? Have you done this update for fuck's sake? I can't find shit on it anymore. No. No.

I like how it keeps saying, do you want to know about his fingers? Yeah. It's all clickbait. What is it? Click with your fat fingers. I'm going to show you this photo. All right. Well, we learned absolutely fucking nothing from this article. Do you want to know? And then it just tells you like all the possible things that could be. Like, so do we. Do we know? No. But we got you to click this thing. Here. Okay. This is you guys. Yeah.

And there's those little digits. He's holding a drink, too. Water, I think. Oh, that's lame. I mean, I'm saying water because, you know. Yeah, you look sharp, buddy. I don't want to get killed by the royal family. Where is this? In England. But, I mean, is this at a royal place? No, it was at a function in London. They wanted me to perform some South Asian cabinet thing, you know. And Katy Perry was there. I was there.

Prince Charles was there. Wow. That's wild. And I bombed. You did? Yeah. I'm pretty sure I bombed. Anytime there's music, I always feel like this is going to be- Well, she didn't perform. She was just there. But they were just so stuffy in that room. Yeah. And I said to Prince Charles, I said, hey, man, I'm a big fan of your family. I even got your mom on my money because I was Canadian money. Yeah. Anyway. Listen, guys, you wonder why I bombed. Did you hear the fucking jokes I said? Yeah.

Are you going to Middle East anytime soon? I think so. Well, if it's still there, yeah. How are we going to resolve this? You've been there. Can you fix it? I think we know who needs to fix it. I'm not going to get into that fucking bag of monkeys there. Well, who's causing it? Okay. Depending on what side of the fence you're on, you're going to think somebody started it.

I don't know. What do I know? I'm just asking the guy questions. I don't want to go down this road either. Of those cultural things. By the way, I shot my last special in Abu Dhabi at the Etihad Arena. You did? Yeah, last year in November. I don't know where it is, but we're sitting in the can somewhere. It's not even out. We're just fucking sitting on it. Why? I don't know. Ask my brother.

should we call him you should call him and ask him right now go for it this will be fun he'll answer your call he's calling and be like where the is russell he said he said he was supposed to be here is that number the 310 one yeah yeah no no no no no the other one okay hold on i don't think that 310 exists really 416 that's the one keeping it real keep facetiming him or should i face them no whatever you want hello hi uh may i speak to clayton peters please

speaking clayton this is tom segura i'm sitting with your client russell and uh you're on the air we're on the air so just giving you a heads up um don't say the n-word i just wanted to ask you uh where is um russell's special why haven't i why haven't we seen it um why is it not streaming on platforms all over the world he said he shot it at the etihad arena in abu dhabi

He did. We did. And we ran into all kinds of complications on it. Our financial partners defaulted and left us holding the bag. And then that led to a whole string of other problems in terms of

chain of title etc etc we finally put it out for uh distribution it's with the agent right now and waiting to hear back if we don't get any traction on it uh watch for it coming soon on on youtube and or pay-per-view and or both okay uh but it's been a shit show i'll tell you that we've had a lot of trouble well he made me call you i made him he made me call you to get that answer i i told him to ask you where i was to make you believe i wasn't here yet yeah he's here he was on time and everything

I know. I got a text. I was shocked. Amazing. I was shocked. You know what's funny? We pull in at 11.15 and I go, fuck, I'm dead ass on time. Dead ass on time, dude. Yeah. All right. Well, there'll be some more follow-up questions with other business inquiries later, okay? All right, man. Take care, guys. Thank you, Clayton. Bye-bye.

he gave it a very like very yeah my brother gets very businessy you know how he is he's we're the complete opposites of each other yeah it's a good it's a good pairing you need that you don't want two people you don't me and another me yeah we're not getting anything done but nothing will get done yeah but we're barely getting through this podcast with me being me now i know why bert's here so he could laugh anytime to fill time

You mean to talk? All he does is talk. What happened to him? He sick? I guess, yeah. But he's in the hospital. He's okay. He's not in ICU. He's just getting general care. Okay.

His liver's fucking up on him. Yeah, he's had like a lot. He had a kidney transplant. Really? Yeah, he had a kidney transplant and he had like, I guess they drain livers sometimes. I don't know. There's a way of cleaning them somehow. Yeah, they did something like that to him. And then I know he had his spine, spinal fluid was drained. My back's been fucked up. Maybe you should hit him up. He's had a lot of operations. I had to cancel work a couple of weeks ago. For real? I canceled the whole weekend because I was walking with a cane. No.

No shit. And how did it get resolved? I rested it. My lower back was from sitting on planes. Those fucking seats are uncomfortable as hell. You got to get a bed on a plane. Yeah. And every time I'd get out of bed, I'd have to grab the cane. I'd look at it and say, sup, cane? And then I'd go to the bathroom. I call it a callback, guys. It is a callback. Wait, I want to ask you, because I'm genuinely interested in this. Because you've done all this world, you're like the global comedian. Is there...

When I did Europe and I did, oh my God, where do they speak Flemish? Oh, Belgium. So I was in the Flemish side. That crowd, they were like, I would finish a bit and then at the end of the bit they would go. And then I would start the new bit and then you'd hear very little chuckles and then you get to the end of it and I would get applause. I was like, huh.

Like, is there... I never did the Flemish side, I don't think. You did the French side. Yeah, I did whatever side understood English. Did you ever... Have you encountered cultures that have, like, you know, left an impression on whether, like, they're really, like, big laughers or they're... Really. I love Lebanon. I love Beirut. It's amazing. Really? But the shows were always, like, it's all Lebanese. There's no... There's nobody else there. Yeah. So...

If you're not talking about them, they're like... But then as soon as you make it about them... Mention them, bam. Even if I did an Indian joke, they wouldn't get it because I'm like, I don't understand. This was a long time ago, but I had a great time there, though. Really? Ever been there? Never. It sucks what they're doing to it right now, but that place is amazing. Did not know that. So good. And Asia? You've done all of Asia. All of Asia. When you do India...

Because you're also, you know... One of them. You're one of those guys. Do you make it... Do you, like, make the show more about them? Because you have so much reference. Not necessarily. No? I mean, I can pick up local references. Sure. But just for that moment. I don't write an entire... A show for them. No. Can you do other...

like in the same way india is is indian people yeah but india is one of those places where they're really smart like india was the one country in the world and i'm not saying this because i'm indian but it's the one country when i internationally where i go on stage and i could talk at exactly the same pace and say the exact same slang words that we use right now yeah and they're right on it really yeah they're right on it they're sharp as fuck oh

That's why they're going to be a superpower in the next three years. Yeah, man. We just got to get used to it. It's tough. I know if you're watching, you're like, fuck. We already infiltrated Christina's family. Yeah. I know. She's a big fan. She knows him well. She knows him well, dude. She lived with a guy. Yeah. He was fucking stepdad. Yeah. BYOB. Bring your own brown guy.

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How about the fact that in the time that we've known each other and like- I've known you since you lived in Florida. No, I was living in California. Oh, you just happened to go back. I was on that really cool system where the improvs were like, yeah, we'll give you a middle week. You got to buy your own airfare, which is $500. You'll make $700 for the week, but go for it. And so I was like, okay. That's how I met you in the Palm Beach. West Palm, yeah. But-

I remember how apprehensive you were when I first met you. Really? Yeah. You were so like, I was like, hey, how you doing? I'm Russell. Hey, I'm Tom. And you were really like shy almost. Really? But then after a show or two and I said, man, you were fucking funny. He was like, oh, thanks. It was like, I think you weren't sure about me. I probably was. You were a little hesitant back then. I was probably. You were so young then. How old were you then?

How old are you now? 45. Oh, yeah. Shit. You would have been much younger then. Yeah. Yeah. When I met you, that would have been... 2007? 2006? Yeah, I was like 27, 28, man. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So there's like...

you're hesitant you're not confident you don't know how the week's gonna go you don't know if the highlander is gonna like you yeah you don't know how the crowds are gonna be and you didn't know me like you didn't know me from adam like you were like this fucking guy's in here sold out it's i never heard of him who was this guy yeah so i'm sure you were like what the fuck is going on here i kind of yeah that is true i definitely was because when they told me i got a week first of all you're just so happy to get a week period and then i was like who am i working with and they're like russell peters and i was like who is that yeah and then

Somebody was like, oh, somebody told me, one of the comments was like, oh no, he's great. And then it was like, all the shows are sold out. And also, then when I got with you, you were like, oh yeah, this is just like a warmup week. I'm just like running stuff. I was like, huh? I thought all the shows are sold out. And you're like, yeah, this is what I do before I go to my shows. This is just like. - I think I was just doing, I hadn't started doing arenas yet. I was about to start doing arenas that year, I think. In 2007, I started doing arenas.

That's pretty crazy. It's pretty wild, right? Yeah, that's pretty wild. I'm doing Scotiabank Arena on December 14th in Toronto. That's going to be my ninth time doing it. I just did it last weekend. Yeah, you killed it, right? That was my first time. Who opens for you? I mix it up. That show, I brought Jordan Jensen and Jeff Tate. Jeff Tate? Wait, I haven't seen Jeff Tate in forever. Jeff Tate's great. He lives in Portland now. He was a Cincinnati...

He's a Cincinnati native who lives in Portland. Jordan lives in New York. They're both fucking hilarious. Oh, good. And they legit crush that show. That was a really fun audience. Yeah, they're good. My city can be real good to people. Those glasses are really nice. Keep staring at them. What are they? I don't know. I can't read. I legit can't even see what. Just pass me these fuck faces. Yeah. I'm over here. Did your vision deteriorate? Mine has gotten. Oh, mine's horrible. Yeah.

I think it's the other side that has the name, though. I'm just trying. Yeah, I can't see shit. I can't see that. I was playing like mom's going to see this thing. How sad. What a dad fucking moment that was. Where I was like, here you go. And we were both like. I don't know. I need my glasses to see your glasses. I need my glasses to see your glasses. Yeah. Fucking super dads. Hey, how are your kids now?

How are they? Yeah. They're fucking maniacs. Yeah? Yeah, dude. They're both... The older one's probably more chill than the younger one, though, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like me and my brother. He's the older one. Yeah, the older one... They're always more level-headed. He's more level-headed. He also understands... He just really gets...

that like here's the exchange on something you know and then he fucking manipulates like he's 11 now no he's much younger he's he's eight he'll be nine in december but like i met him when he was an infant yeah you met him very young that's right we were in there taking the neighborhood for a walk you got him on a leash it was nice it was nice he got i come home the other day and he's like hey i'm like oh this is nice he's like big hug i just wanted to hug dad yeah he's like i love you man and i go i love you too and he was like so

can I get some more Roblox for my iPad? Robux. Yeah, Robux. And I'm like, is that what the hug and kiss was all about? He goes, I give you something, you give me something. That's awesome. Fucking A, man. My kid's five, my son, and he's...

I don't know where he gets his shit from the other day. He goes, hey, he's obsessed with planes. So I picked him up. He's like, hey, daddy, I want to go to Dubai. I go, what? Where'd you get that from? He goes, how do you even know about Dubai? I want to see the Burj Khalifa. I'm like, what the fuck? Really? And then I drop him off to his mom, and his mom goes to me.

You know, he asked me if he wanted to go see the Burj Khalifa. I go, wait, he said that to me? I go, I'm sure she's coaching him. And tell me you want to go on Emirates first class. Yeah, well, they hate long flights, right? And so I took Ellis, the oldest, to New Zealand to visit the Minecraft set because he loves Minecraft. Well, how did you fly? We flew on...

some fucking Emirates no no no it was from Dallas so it was like I don't know it was a US carrier and it it was fine this fucking 18 hour flight yeah and so then I told them about Etihad and I showed them like you know the little like apartment thing they give you

And I was like, check this out. And they were like, how come we didn't take that? I mean, they got a point. I go, well, yeah, but that doesn't go the route that we did. And they go, if we're doing long flights, I want that fucking apartment. I'm like, yeah, OK, cool. So then they're like- I like that Ellis has this really deep voice already. He does. He's always like, hey, man. But he does. And then the other guy's like, hey, how are you? He has like a little cartoon voice. Yeah, he's six. But-

Anyway, then they're like, well, where does that plane go? I go, well, you could take a plane like that to the Middle East or Asia, fucking Hong Kong, Japan. And so now they're like, cool, that's where we want to go. You got to do Singapore Airlines. Singapore. Singapore Airlines A380 first class suites. Fuck, it was the best. Best. Listen, I'm an Emirates guy, but that Singapore Airlines one kind of, as far as I was concerned, kind of beat Emirates on that one. It's the best of the best, right? It's so good. And if you get, say you and Christina get...

The room is side by side, the wall comes down and it becomes one big bed. And you got this giant room, about the size of this. And then you can just bang in the sky? You could bang in the sky if you're still doing that to each other.

And look at that. See, that's when they got the double set up there. And I like that he's fully clothed. They're like, this is how we enjoy our flight. I don't know why. He should have been wearing the pajamas. They give you pajamas on board. Pajamas are nice. Pajamas are nice. It's a real experience. Oh, yeah. I take my underwear. I free ball that whole flight, too. Why let my balls get sweaty in my own underwear? No, just let them out. Yeah. Let them out, dude.

And that chair, you see that recliner chair? It has a button on it that turns it automatically. But wherever you turn it, and if you turn the TV on, the TV will follow you. It'll turn with you. The TV keeps moving with you. Unbelievable. Yeah, it's pretty wild. They really know how to do it. Yeah, it's good. And the food's good, and the service is good, and the flight attendants all have open-toe shoes on and pretty toes. Nice. So for me, it's masturbation in the air.

It's cool that they... I've said too much, guys. It's cool. Hey, I just got a text saying I'm banned from Singapore Airlines, guys. It's cool that they thought of that. They're like, you know what? We'll get these guys hard. Yeah. I do appreciate that, like, when we flew Etihad, the flight attendants were all attractive. And I was like, let's bring this back. Yeah. You know, it's not like when you fly Delta here where you're like, look at fucking... Oh, yeah, now you end up with Delta Burke. Barbara fucking bringing her problems down the aisle. Boom, boom, boom.

The old flight attendants are funny because you could tell they're seasoned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're... You want a drink? That's what they do. You thirsty? And they're real casual with everything. Yeah. Eh, taking off now. It's not like that in those international carriers. No, no, they're all very professional. It's a whole other level. Fucking love it. It's good stuff out there. It's real good stuff. Yeah. Wait, what was I going to ask you? Oh, this is what I wanted to ask you. So, it was a thing when you...

I was like, you know, how did this happen? And I think you and the general observation was that your stuff was cut up and put on YouTube. So what happened first was, remember when people would email you a clip? Yeah. It would just be audio even?

It had chopped up and they would email people like, yo, listen to this. And that's 2004. They were doing that before YouTube started. Wow. And so they'd email you a three-minute clip, take you fucking 24 hours to download the thing. Sure. And then you'd hear it and people are like, I want more. And then when YouTube started in June or May of 2005, somebody dumped the whole special on there. So now people had a video to the audio and it was all in one place. They didn't have to listen to it in sections. And then...

That YouTube explosion though made things really change for you. Well, the file sharing is what started it. Because February of 2004, I did DePaul University for 700 bucks and only 13 people showed up. Nice. And I was like, oof. And I felt bad because at that time I was like, 700 bucks, that's a lot of money for a show. You know what I mean? Sure. And I felt bad. I was like, should I give them their money back? I mean, nobody showed up. But I gave them the full show.

I went back to Chicago like November of that same year and I did like a theater for three nights. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? I still didn't know what was going on. I still had no clue what was happening. I was like, people suddenly like me. This is great. No clue. No clue. Completely clueless. I still don't even know how to upload shit to YouTube. Do you? I've done it before, but I haven't done it in years now.

yeah yeah somebody uh yeah but I mean promo shit's real guy I don't I do my shit on my phone just like hey that's them they know how to do that they know you got a team now I don't have a team yeah Joe Rogan's got a seal team and he's got a seal team he's got a seal team you got a I know you got a team I got you got the a team a team for sure these guys are good but you have well you have your brother yeah that's uh

Team Peters. He fucking, he knew what was up. He gave a very professional answer. He's very, very, very professional. By the way, when he called me yesterday to tell me what I'm doing today, he's like, okay, so you're going to go to Segura and then you're going to do a bunch of other ones there. And remember, the focus of this is to promote the Relax Tour. It starts in Canada at the end of the month. Make sure you, I'm like, all right, I'm not a fucking idiot, all right? He goes, yeah, I knew you were going to say that.

Okay, well, can we pull up the Relax Tour? Can we pull up the Relax Tour, guys? Did my brother send you any artwork for that? Let's see. Russell Peters. Yeah. There we go. Hey! It's not that serious. That makes sense. Yeah, right. There you go. There you go. All right. So you guys got that? So here we are promoting the Relax Tour. What's your name of your new tour? Come Together. Okay. That one, the last one was Coming All Over? I'm Coming Everywhere. That's right.

oh you're hitting the road bro oh yeah these are just like the uh get it ready you'll get it ready dates and then there's the uh big ones there yeah i see that can i tell you my big um there's scotia bank i see it didn't you just do uh uh calgary a couple weeks ago i did i did it for the great outdoor i did it too can i tell you the the market that i learned about on the last tour and i just did it again for them that i'm like man this is awesome

In Canada? Where? Halifax. Oh, yeah. You don't know about Halifax? I mean, I didn't before I went. That's where the Underground Railroad ended. No. Yeah. Harriet Tubman took them all the way to Nova Scotia, to Halifax. Really? So if you go to a place called North Preston in Nova Scotia, it's like the black area. Do you know that they're doing a documentary about her called Getting My Steps In? No. No, they're not. I was going to say. I was going to say.

That'd be amazing. And Tyler Perry's directing it. Harriet Tubman played by Tyler Perry. Oh, hey, honey, follow me. Hey, keep running. Okay, wow. But that place is fucking awesome, dude. First of all, it's one of those places. A lot of times, if you're American and you go, hey, I'm going to like...

or Edmonton, you're like, yeah, it's just another city, right? Like you don't go like, oh, this is so fucking different. Like Toronto is like, we always, you know, Canada's New York. It's just this huge metropolis, whatever. But Halifax has its,

this really interesting maritime culture like it just feels it does but they got a lot of soul out there too it's very cool and the food's good out there food's good people were great did you buy lobsters at the airport i did not buy love you know you can buy live lobsters at the airport at the airport and they pack mints and make a shipping ready for you they carry it on the plane um oh did you know that uh i was on news on radio shows all these people got mad at me in

What'd you say? In Montreal. I think I was doing the podcast with Nick Swartzen. Yeah. And we were talking about Just for Laughs, which we've done... Many, many times. And for people who don't know, that has been this benchmark of like, I'm for real now. Yeah. It's a validation thing too, right? So...

And just about, we were just talking about the festival and how in the conversation about it, how funny it was to us that like the first time you go, you're met by a guy who's picking you up, who's like, you are in the,

the show and you're like do you not speak English and he's like some yes and you're like but you live here he's like all my life and you're like how do you not and then the French Canadians were like that is so fucking disrespectful how is that disrespectful I have no idea I was like great then we got woke French people now oh dude they were so mad they were so mad they're like that is so disrespectful I'm like dude it just blows your mind

Because what happens is you go there, right? As an American, you go there and you're like, wait, we're in Canada, right? And yes, you know that like French is also a national language, but like,

Every Canadian you meet goes like, I can count to 10. But when you go to Montreal, you meet people who are so immersed in their own culture that they have broken English. Of course it stands out to you. Oh, yeah. Well, now what's frustrating when I went last year to Quebec when I was in Montreal, they used to have – so in Canada, everything has to be in English and French. Right. Right.

But in Quebec, it used to be French and English underneath. Yeah. Well, now they've X'd the English, so everything's in French. And I'm like, I go to a cafe, I go, what is that?

Because I knew what it said, but I wanted you to... No, I'm still in Canada. Tell me what the fuck that says. It said, pain du chocolat. And I'm like, what is that? Pain du chocolat. I go, no, what the fuck is that? I'm getting so mad. I go, English. Why is this not in fucking English? Now tell him. He's Canadian. You give him the fucking business. Give me the business, because you guys fucked it up. Because we respectfully put your shit on ours, and then you disrespectfully took our shit off yours. And now I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at. I could... Like, to me, I...

at the first time, it was beyond my comprehension. I was like, wait a minute. And I would sit with the guy who was very nice. And I'd be like, you've lived here your whole life? And they're like, yes. And I'm like, well, why don't you speak better English? They're like, because I live here and French is how we live. And I'm like, I just can't believe that you're in this country and that you can, the bubble is huge.

this suppressing where you could actually just go through your life not really doing anything. That, to a lot of French Canadian people, was beyond. But it's just, that was also your experience. It was my experience, yeah. It's funny how people get mad if you say what you saw. I know. They're so insulted. I'm telling you the story from my honest experience.

My honest place and you fucking give me shit. It's fair to hear my version and go, oh, you're ignorant. I'm like, that's fine. You can be like, yeah, I'm ignorant. I had no idea. I literally had no idea. Now I do. I've gone back many times. As a Canadian, it's frustrating just to watch them slowly push us out, but we have to slowly big them up. I'm like, hold on. This is supposed to be a fair exchange here. We should be shaking hands. They've come close.

A few times. I remember. To separating? To seceding, right? Not really, not really close. Kind of close? No, no. They still want the, that would be such a fucking crazy thing.

If they split? I mean, you know what? I feel like Texas could do that in the United States if they wanted to. Texas probably has come the closest, yeah. Because Texas is the only place, when I come here, it's the only place that still feels like America. Really? You know what I mean? It doesn't matter where you are in Texas. Yeah. It's just, it feels like that's how I picture America to be. And that picture is dissipating around the country. What is LA like now? Because I feel like it changed from when I lived there. It's definitely changed since you lived there. I don't go out much. I don't wear jewelry when I go out. That's true.

that's fucking i don't go to fancy restaurants you know really they got people watching you in restaurants now there's a lot of follow-home robberies yeah and if you're gonna follow me home you're gonna have a long fucking drive pal yeah out to malibu yeah because i not only that i always take i always take different ways i don't go the same way every time yeah i because i that's my add i'm just like no i want to go this way today i want to go that way today i think i want to go around the whole city before i go home you know yeah yeah yeah

But it's still nice out there, I bet. The weather is. There have been a lot of earthquakes, especially in Malibu. Yeah. When did I leave? I left yesterday. Are you a beach guy, though? No, not at all. Not at all. I look at it, and there it is. The water's cold. It is. Do you like cold water? No. I like cold water. You do? Yeah. After the accident? Mm-hmm. Do you do the cold plunge? Yeah. Often? Yeah.

I didn't this morning I did yesterday morning oh you have one at home yeah you feel it every day or do I feel it do you feel it it's it stays filled oh it stays filled and stays icy yeah it's like plugged into the wall so it stays like a refrigerator yeah it stays at 43 I've never done it you have to try it yeah yeah you're doing naked

No, because I don't want to see what it does. Well, you won't see it after that. It's so small. It's already not a good starting point. Yeah, your Spanak side never came in on that. Nope. No, I got my dad's dick. You're welcome. Isn't Segura a gift? Oh, man.

I do it in like shorts like underwear or a sweatshirt yeah but you do feel fucking amazing I don't know I know people get so sick of hearing about it but you know I will say I want to do it I think it would help my back

It's good for inflammation. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Well, yeah, it definitely gets rid of inflammation. I mean, yeah. If you're inflamed, you won't be. You do ride this high. How long do you sit in there? Three minutes. That's a long time. Breathe. Yeah. Just keep breathing. And don't start at like 40. Start at like 52 or something. Then it just feels like you got in like a lake, you know, and you're like, woo. But you can get through it. And then if you want, you keep lowering it. Okay. Yeah. It's fucking rad. I think you'll like it.

I won't be doing it, but it's great to hear about it. I do want to try DMT is what I do want to try. I got mushrooms in gummy form that are incredible. I did mushroom, chocolate mushrooms around Christmas time. Yeah. And you know, it's a little bar says take three pieces for microdose. Yeah. So I took three pieces. That was too much for me.

Whenever somebody tells you what to take, just go in half at least. And I was like, how much can be in there, right? It was like a little piece for a rocher. And I was the only one on it, and we went to a restaurant. And there was like 10 people with me, my kids, everything. And it kicked in right as we got in the restaurant. So I can hear everybody's conversations around me. And then I was like...

I'm like, I start panicking. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And then people are like, hey, what's good here? What should I order? Just order your fucking food. Don't talk to me right now. Nobody fucking talk to me. Just order your food. I'll pay for it. And everyone's like, what's his fucking food? Yeah, they thought I was having a meltdown. I was like, just leave me alone. I'm fucking tripping out. Dude, I had a friend who he gave me an Oxy.

And then he's like, here you go. He gave me two, actually. And I'm like, okay, I'll take one, obviously, not taking two. I take one, and I'm on a plane, and I'm just fucking drooling onto myself. And I get off, and I was like, yo, dude, I just took that on a flight. He goes, did you take the whole thing? I go, yeah, it's a pill. He's like, oh, yeah.

He's like, yeah, you should have taken that in half. I go, fucking, you gave me two. Why would I think to split it in half? You think one is for now, one's for later. Why would I think that? Why don't you give me a four-day dose? He gave me the fucking strongest one they make. And I'm like,

What are oxys supposed to do, though? Yeah, it's supposed to. I mean, it's a pain pill, and it's supposed to have that effect. But he also gave me an extremely strong dose. Like the horse pill. Yeah, and I'm just fucking drooling on a flight. Maybe the chlamydia pill of oxys. It's fucking so strong. I'm like, you think I was in a plane? Like, how do I crush this thing up? No. Can I get a knife? Do I cut this pill? I have to cut this. Do you have a pill cutter? Narcotic in half. Do you mind? Yeah. Yeah.

This heroin in pill form? Yeah, I did mushrooms for the first time about two years ago in... You all right there? Yeah. You want one? No, good, thanks. What is that? Are you doing... Nicotine. Oh, wow. Yeah, they're awesome. I never did it. Just try it. I smoke cigars. I'm good with that. Oh, yeah, you do do your cigars. Yeah, I'm a cigar guy. No, so I did it with a shaman in Amsterdam two years ago for the first time. And?

It was cool. I did it laying down with a mask on, like an eye mask. So it was a cool trip because you're just laying down and it feels like you're floating everywhere. And you think you're dreaming at first, but then you realize you're tripping and then

Once you start, realize you're tripping, you start to enjoy it more. It's like, okay. Yeah. This isn't real. This is cool, though. That mushroom gummy I told you, the first time I took it, I took it during the day before a flight again. And I was like, I was, no, I enjoyed it. And it was like, oh, this is a nice, chill high. The second time I did it, I took it in bed and I put an eye mask on and it was super

such a different experience with colors and movements like I felt like a proper trip as opposed to the other one where I was like oh I'm just like kind of high they're just kind of yeah I'll be around the scene yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it was well I saw myself dead mmm I was dead in New York on my head on the sidewalk my body on the street and everybody's around me crying and and and and I'm and I'm I could see myself and I'm floating away from it

And I'm laughing at them. I'm like, I'm not there anymore, guys. I don't know what you're wasting your time for. And then the only person I recognized was Crazy Legs from Rocksteady Crew. Crazy Legs. Crazy Legs was like running to get help. And I go, Legs, don't bother. And I just kept floating away. Okay, bye. I just left. I didn't even like stop to say I just kept floating away. I just floated right away.

You have so many fucking hip hop friends. I'm an official Rocksteady Crew member. Are you really? I am, yes. You have like a jacket? I do have a sweatshirt that says Rocksteady Crew and Brown Comic on the back. Wow. Legs gave me that for when he made me a member. That's cool.

- That's pretty fucking rad, dude. - Yeah, it's pretty cool. - And your friends, I'll tell you when I go, "Oh, I wish I was friends." Your friends was Cedric, right? - Yeah, he was at my house two nights ago. - I think he's so fucking funny. - Next time you come to LA, you gotta come over, 'cause we have these random nights where people come over, smoke cigars on the balcony and hang out. - Just shoot the shit. - So it was me, Cedric, David Justice, and Bentley Evans the other night. You know Bentley, he created Martin and the Jimmy Foxx show. - Jesus, yeah. - So it was just the four of us talking shit.

That's great. Sunday was my birthday. Melly Mel dropped by and hung out until like 4 in the morning. It was your birthday? Yeah, yeah. Happy birthday, man. You know, four years ago, you sent me a pair of shoes from Brunello Cuccinelli, and this year, not even a fucking text. How old are you? 54. I think I texted you on your birthday earlier, Shannon. I never got a response. Let me just double check that for you. Let's check the tape on this one, guys. Segura. Let's see. Let's see.

Yeah, I text you on April 18th. Happy birthday. No reply. Then May 11th, I sent you that photo. Wait, what number are you texting though? I'm texting the right one. You are? Yeah, because I texted the right one. And then I sent you that photo of you, me, Rogan, Burr, and Ian Edwards. And you said, damn. Wait, are you a 323? Yeah, yeah. And then June 8th, I text you and you replied the next day. That was nice of you.

And then on August 14th, you asked me what the best hotel to stay in Toronto. Did you stay at the one I suggested? I did. It's nice, right? Yeah. Oh, hey, Tom just sent me a happy birthday. That's so nice of him. If you guys see Tom Segura, Tom, thanks for the message. But the Cuccinelli's are much better. I got to get that address again. I'll send it to you. Okay. Yeah. I need the address. So my, wait, both of our moms are casino moms. Casino moms. Casino moms.

Your mom is, I know you talk about her mental state, but your mom's still physically in good shape. She can get around. She can get around. Her mental's still there. She's still manipulative. Like I saw the way, I saw your, like she's hilarious. She's very funny. And I love your relationship with her. She's very funny. My mom's still sharp in the head, but my mom, I just found a video of my dad's 70th birthday party and it was 1995. Yeah.

Wow. And I was 25 in the video. And my mom was my age. My mom was 54 in this video. Wow. And I was like, holy shit, that's...

But my mom at 54 looks exactly the same as she does at 83. Yeah. Like they just, my mom's packed it in as soon as she had the kids. All right, that's it done. No need to look like anybody anymore. Yeah. Yeah. That's what women do. But your mom stayed, you know, she got a Hispanic mother. She's going to, you know, they take a lot of pride in that stuff. I don't know. I don't think she puts a lot of effort into it, to be honest. She looks good.

I sound creepy, but yeah, she looks good. Okay. Hey, guys. What's your mom's name? Charatine? Charo. Charo? Charo is a nickname for Rosario. Her name is Rosario? Her birth name is Rosario, yeah. And everybody whose birth name is Rosario, which, yeah, it's, they call it. I mean, I could see how she was a catch back in the day, though. She was beautiful. I have photos, nudes of her, yeah. Yeah.

- That's definitely not her there. - I have that t-shirt. - I have some good ones. I'll send you some better Charo pics. - Yeah, please would you? - Yeah, I'll send you some good ones. - How's her feet, good feet? Not now, I mean as they get older they get more, I'm getting fucking weird on this thing guys. - It's okay. - People are going, can you bring back Bert? That creepy brown guy was terrible. - Believe me, they're not saying that. What ethnicity is your wife?

filipino nice feet very nice feet really yeah that's actually why i noticed her you saw her feet first yeah where were you at nordstrom was she trying on shoes she was i was walking by and i was like damn look at the girl's feet and then she caught me looking and i and i didn't know what to do so i went i just winked at her and then i walked away and then and then her sales guy is my sales guy he goes you know that is right

She goes, no. He goes, that's that comedian Russell Peters. She goes, I don't know. I don't watch comedy. I'm like, what? Really? And now that I'm married to him, I'm like, ah, yeah, you don't watch comedy. You miserable bitch. Just kidding, babe. Don't get mad. But keep that in. Oh, there's Charo. Which one? Leaning Forward.

With the blonde? Or on the ground? The one leaning forward on the right. Oh, leaning forward. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's Charo. Trying to see who... Do you look like her? Are you an only child? No, I have two sisters. She's very dark there, by the way. Yeah, well, the Peru. Well, they used to just lay in the sun from like 9 a.m. Yeah. Yeah.

Now she has some pre-skin cancer. This photo's great because-- - This is like the 60s it looks like. - Yeah, this is definitely back in the day. - 68 or something. - Her sister Blanca's sitting on the ground. - Yeah, Blanca's pretty good though. - Blanca's very pretty. And then her best friend who adored my mother, who died,

is look how she's admiring my mom yeah she looks like she has a crush on you yeah that's chato figatti also chato oh wow yeah oh they're all uh peruvian women there yeah they're all smoking yeah they like the one that admires your mom looks like a white girl and then it looks like uh karen carpenter on the ground uh-huh and uh the lady smoking looks she's about to rip one right after i know she does look like that yeah that's a bunch of peruvian ladies right there yeah

Fucking most are dead. Yep. That's what happens to them. Yeah, they just die. It's kind of the end of the run. Yeah, it's the end of the run. They just die. Speaking of which, how is Christina? She's alive. She is alive. Where is she? She's home right now. Well, I think she had radiation today, localized radiation. And then she's like, you know, after...

probably gets exhausted she said it gets tired yeah she gets tired so she'll rest take it easy today and what is this uh tv show you're doing now so i'm in pre-production it's been fucking crazy as soon as we wrap here i go over to the production office we start shooting next wednesday yeah i know i saw you had to cancel dates yeah it's been yeah because like i know and people were like why don't you cancel that thing and do the dates and it doesn't really work like that um

So, yeah, we're shooting in Austin. We'll shoot for about six weeks. The show is basically every episode has three short stories. So kind of like the old Twilight Zone. Yeah. That type of presentation. But there are short stories that are dark.

So 10 minute stories, three of them? Kind of like that, yeah. Some of them are very, it's like one episode we have a 15 minute story and then like a five minute, like so some of it, yeah. There's no rule to it, just this is what we plan on doing. Yeah, exactly. So they're all, I mean everything's obviously written, ready to go. We start shooting Wednesday.

Excited? I'm super excited. And you wrote the whole thing? I wrote it. I got a writer's room with great, great writers. So I brought in a bunch of them, and then that room made everything better. And then there's also original ones that came from that room, from being in the room together. But it was, yeah. I get to direct a few of them, which I'm excited. Really? You want to direct? Yeah. Do you really want to direct? The thing is that this is a perfect...

place to because it's yours well it's also my and and the um i'm not it's not like hey i'm directing this movie to start i'm directing a short story yeah it's like it's like directing a short film yeah it's open mic yeah so i get i get to do like i don't know the first one i do is like

six or seven pages the next one is like I'm doing one like eight page one and the next one's like six pages so it's like a stepping into that and like yeah if I fucking hate it I'll know and it won't be like oh because I directed a movie I directed this thing so it's a lot of work

It's work. It is work. I mean, I'm in everything except for like one. So it's a lot of work. You're number one on the schedule too. Yeah. You're number one on the schedule. And then you go, if you're going to direct, you're going to be number one and directing. You're going to be beat. Yeah. It's going to be long, long days, but I mean, I'm saying it in a good way, but it's just like people that don't know that like shit is exhausting. Yeah. It wears you out for sure. But, um, I think I've always loved, um,

you know features and i love like i love this world so for me you haven't done much acting though right not much no i've done a few parts and things small parts over the years but yeah i'll be acting a lot in this yeah yeah you're gonna like it i think so when it's yours it's different at big time yeah because you really understand it you're like i know exactly what i'm doing because you've had your shows and i've done some stuff nothing crazy do you like it all right it's okay i mean

It's a lot of work. And the payoff's just not there anymore. Yeah. And I mean, I look at it as, well, I could stand here and work for a month and a half for 14 hours a day, six days a week. Or I could go do a weekend and make way more money than I did in this month and a half of my entire life being wasted. Yeah, that is crazy. I know. I remember I've had...

one time I was I was shooting one a movie small part but they need you know they're like you gotta be here for like three weeks or whatever yeah and for the three weeks I was like man this is they really don't pay you shit yeah and so I just did one show and I was like oh I I

like just supplemented my salary by more than double yeah it's it's one of those things where you're like okay i'm doing it for the love but you have that's the thing you have to love it so i mean yeah like if my friends are doing something they want to do oh yeah but if like they're like hey they want you to audition i'm like yeah i'm good yeah someone so and so wants to know if you want to is it an open audition are they asking for me well they're open to you i'm gonna i don't know i'm not doing it yeah offer fucking doing this shit 35 years now i don't want to

I'm sick of jumping through hoops. Fuck it. You know what I do? You know who I am. You want me or you don't want me. I don't give a shit. 35 years? 35 years. Since 89. That is. I first did Just for Laughs in 96. Wow. That was a good year. That was when Just for Laughs would like still. That's when Chicken got a deal. That year? Yeah. Tell people the Chicken story real quick. Um.

Chicken was this guy. He was a comic called himself Chicken. Did he dress up in a chicken suit, I think? I think he either did that or didn't he have a prop chicken with him? Something like that. He got a million-dollar deal. It was the last million-dollar deal they gave at Just for Laughs. And then he killed himself a few years later, right? Yeah. It's a good story to end on. I mean, you know. Did he hang himself? Because that would be even funnier if he choked his chicken. I believe he did. I think he did. That would be amazing.

just fucking he's just going for the punchline right to the end you know oh I love commitment yes you have to commit you gotta commit to that one you gotta commit um pull up the dates again we're gonna go because we don't want to let Clayton down yeah the uh I don't want him to think I don't want him to I don't want to prove to him that I'm an idiot so stay relaxed just relax it's just relax relax it's not that serious

I feel like there's some places in the mall called Just Relax. Yeah, those fake men. They have the really shitty artwork on their board. Yeah, Just Relax.

Just relax. Like they Googled, how do I get a logo? Yeah. And then they're like, here, I generated a logo for you. I generated a logo for you. Well, Russell's touring. Well, those are the, see, it's funny because I'm doing the arenas and the club dates in between the arenas too. It's kind of a mishmash of things. I think that's the best way to actually do stand up. I agree because if you get stuck in the arena head space and you go into a club, it throws you off. It does. You're doing actually the right way to do it, which is you kind of hop in and out. Yeah.

um so you can see russell all over this is looks like mostly north america um but you'll probably go to other places in the world oh yeah next year is pretty hectic hectic once we get into let's see keep going february once we get into march february march it's gonna be nutty oh they haven't announced it yet oh no they do there we go good okay no yeah no okay no after that oh yeah they haven't they haven't put it out there but all right we go international after the peacock theater and in uh

in February. Well, go see, it's like Australia, New Zealand, all that stuff, Asia,

The hot spots. The good spots. Go see Russell Peters on tour. You can get tickets at russellpeters.com. You're one of the best, man, and you're a fucking great guy. Thank you for... Thanks, Thomas. Thanks for taking me along all those years. Come on, kid. It was great. I knew it when I saw you. I said, this kid's going to be something if he shaves his head. This kid's got to shave his head. All right. I did. We love you. Thanks, man.

High five. See you next week, guys.

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