Tony Hinchcliffe ROASTS The Bears | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. You can see the biggest live podcast in the world if you go to New York City and go to Madison Square Garden on August 9th and 10th to see Kill Tony. And joining us is Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody. Yeah!

That's wild. What's up? So Kill Tony, I remember doing it in the belly room. Yeah. Not even sold out. In the belly room. And I needed you guys back then. No, you did. You did. It was a huge favor. Also, it was kind of a fun thing because everybody had their podcasts and it was like, if you're another comic...

Like they go, "Hey, do we do my podcast?" You go, "Yeah, I wanna do my friend's podcast support." I mean, I know you've probably been asked this. It can't be yes. You could not have imagined that it would reach this thing, right? - Well, I'm nuts. - Yeah. - I'm secretly nuts.

So yeah, I did, but I just didn't think it would be this soon. When the pandemic happened and all you guys and everybody and Schultz and Joe and everyone got to keep doing their podcast in a sanctuary. Wait, did you just go on pause there? No, we did the worst thing ever, but the people loved it, which was we complained about not being able to survive in a studio like this while people would send in 60-second sets via Zoom.

file and then we would zoom with them to interview them afterwards but it was a way to make it happen it was crazy but and so it was kind of like everybody got to see how much we were struggling and apply that to their own struggles you know instead of oh everybody else is just doing their normal podcast I

from what I gathered afterwards. And by the way, at the time it was the most fucking depressed. Yeah. In, in, I was losing my mind in Los Angeles. Yeah. My neighborhood was where the riots hit, where we were shooting. Our studio was at La Brea and sunset. So there's literally just homeless encampments on fire that you had to walk by to get into the studio. Like the city was on fire. Yeah. It was crazy. And, um,

So, no, it was rough, but like it was relatably rough. Yeah. Because I'm like, this is not what we do. This show sucks. You probably, I mean, I think when I think about like all the, I mean, it's innovative. It's a very unique one and only show. But you've also been the most consistent person, I think. I don't feel like you've missed a week. We have not. We have...

put out an episode every single Monday for 11 years. That's pretty incredible. Everyone should know that. 11 years. Yeah, that's pretty incredible. 11 years. Doing a podcast 11 years. It's so funny. I had a kid backstage. I was in some arena and this kid's backstage. He's a college kid.

And I know their dad or something. And I had just done an arena. And he's like, dude, you know what you got to do? You should get on Kill Tony. He's like, if you do stand-up on Kill Tony, that's big. And I was like, cool. I was like, I'll tell Tony then. He goes, you know Tony Hinchcliffe? I was like, yeah, man. It's crazy. It's crazy because it's like it's –

It's I feel disconnected from comedy quite often because I feel like I do this thing that I'm doing now, which isn't really adjacent to how we started. You know, it's like it's it's fun. It's big and it's awesome. I just ended my tour in Austin Saturday. And then we start up for fully loaded this summer. Fuck. Yeah, we're gonna have a fucking blast. And but yeah.

I went one night, I went to dinner at Eddie B's with Leanne and I got a message from Tony. He's like, come by and do Kill Tony. And I hadn't done the show since it was in the store. And I went and got on it and I was, I know this is going to sound crazy to people, I was very funny. And I forgot. You were. I forgot I was funny. And you know what? I'm going to be honest with you. It's been driving me crazy hearing people talk shit sometimes once in a while about you because I'm like, wait, what?

Now, maybe a little bit, maybe a touch before, but late. I swear, I'm not even kidding. We're especially kissing your ass. But you were so funny that episode in the moment, completely improvised. And it's hard for people. People would be shocked to know what comedians are.

get there and kind of stiffen up because I'm hosting and they want to kind of host. People want to host. Oh, you mean like me? No, you're great. Instead of sitting back and just cranking homers and picking their moments. You know what I struggle with with your show? I told you this in the very beginning. I've done it a number of times. The very first time, I was like, so what do we do? And you're like, oh, these people, come on. They do their set and then I just fucking rip them apart. I was one of the

I've seen a few other people do this where like, I always try to go like, here's, here's what I think you should do to get better at. I try to be like, uh, that's great, but it's not funny. Like I actually just go like, I think you should part is great. People think guests think that when they come on, Oh, it's a roast show. I got to make fun of people. And I tell them like when they go, Hey, just let you know, roasting isn't really my thing. I go, great. That's my thing. Yeah. I do that. That's not what,

everybody's supposed to do. Advice is great. Just being funny and noticing things is the real role. We did your one, your anniversary show. Joe and I did. Yeah, the 10 year. The 10 year. So fun. Yeah. I was a spectator at that and I was enjoying myself because I was high. Yeah. I was drunk. Yeah. And it was actually like having a front row seat literally to watch this show take place that was

It was so fun to be a part of. I've noticed that that's been happening a lot at these big ones. That was like a big experiment for us. To do the bigger venues. Huge venue with a bigger production and all this stuff. How does it change? Because I haven't seen one of the arena ones. Is it pretty much the same thing, just larger scale? Larger scale, but I'm so ready and on that it is kind of like...

you know, I'm like really driving the ship. So I have noticed that it is harder for the guests to kind of pick their spots. To pick their spots. Because I have enough time. I'm not used to a bonus five seconds of laughter, reverberation. And that five seconds when you're used to having to have your next question or your next joke or whatever. That lets you come up with more. Or wherever you want to steer the ship. How much more intimidating is it for these newbies to do an arena set? It's impossible. Everybody out of the bucket has been

bombed on these things. It has to be. It's terrifying. First time I did an arena, I was eight years in. I was opening for Russell Peters. And he flew me over to London. First, he did a warm-up show for 7,500 people in Birmingham. And then we go to do the O2. And I'm like, so I'm eight years into stand-up.

terrified and that's with like a set that I know I'm doing I can't imagine doing a cold one minute there we have learned that 100% of people out of the bucket bomb so how do you deal with that so what I've been doing lately and it's great that we've had these practice runs before going to MSG is I stock

the line up. By the way, you're calling the forum a practice room. Yeah. It is weird. God damn it. Sometimes I don't know how fucking cringy and ridiculous I sound. I hope it's translatable to people. But it's the truth. It's like MSG's the shit. It is. I'm probably never going to do MSG, but the forum for me was like a... That's because I live in LA still. Oh, totally. But it...

I mean, I know I think you did the form twice. So like, I mean, so yeah, it's like it is a practice run and the roast. And I did the Staples Center with Gillis and Schultz. How was that? It was unbelievable. I mean, like with Schultz, Gillis, Post Malone and Derek Poston, who's my fucking homie, who I originally hooked up with Schultz. Schultz a few years ago was like, hey, you got an opener I could use for San Antonio. Well, that's how I that's how I translated it. He said an opener that I could use in San Antonio. I'm like, who's my.

Oh, boom. It was like immediate. Yeah. Because I knew David Lucas was kind of more independent. I don't know how to describe it. Like, he's more like an independent creature. Yeah. But Derek is just such a fun hang and so funny. And he's a rising stock like crazy. I work with him four nights a week at the mothership. He brings me up there regularly. So...

to get to do the Staples Center with Derek Cold Opening, who opens almost all the shows at the Mothership. I mean, he's being built like fucking Darth Vader. And so for it to go him, me, Gillis, who is literally my favorite fucking drinking buddy, him and I were just at Texas Stadium doing this fucking Texas Longhorn fundraising thing for billionaires the other day, and we had the best time. I don't think people realize, like, me and Shane, like,

hang yeah and i'm whiskey cokes and he's beers so by the time he hits you know his 15 bud lights where he starts showing some sign of intoxication yeah exactly i'm i'm seven whiskey and cokes in and we're having the time of our lives man we went up at texas stadium and smoked a fucking blunt by ourselves like just him me him and lamare and his little crew and fucking we're just having the

best time here in Austin. So it's funny because it like translates. Derek moved. He's a comedy store guy, moved to Austin. One of the first guys to move here. Derek, then me, then Gillis, then Schultz, who blew my mind.

watching his stand up like he's talking about his actual life and having his first kid and it's so much smarter and I literally it made me feel like a kind of a hack because I'm up there talking about trans school shooters and fucking

The sub that went down to the Titanic and all this fucking, I'm like reaching for anything in the world that I find dark and funny. And he's up there talking about his actual life killing and I'm cracking up to where like, holy shit. That's awesome. It's hard for me to laugh at comedians talking about raising a kid and this and that. And what about the wife? But it's a really good. And then he brought up Post Malone. And the whole time you're looking at this. What did Post talk about? Oh, yeah.

You know, the crowd went ballistic and he fucking smashed. And then we brought up his dad who was his birthday. Yeah. And I got a few roast jokes off on him. And it was just so much fun, man. And like, what a trip to L.A. to get to start there, go through the pandemic there, the riots. Go back and have that kind of week and go back and have that kind of week. I mean, you couldn't have written it, especially getting it started with the roast, which I was a very late addition to.

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What is the story with that? We talked about, obviously, you know, your set and we were hanging out and, you know, all that stuff. But and we saw you at the 5K. But so how did when were you how were you a late addition? It's a crazy, crazy, crazy story. So, like, you know, I wrote for the last 10 Comedy Central roasts. Comedy Central never gave me a shot.

at all to get on them, which was crazy. Because if you remember, Comedy Central was literally making stars at the time, like SNL used to way back in the day.

And the roasts were huge for a minute. Huge. And the roasts before I started writing on it, the writers that were on the roasts before I started writing on it were Whitney Cummings, Anthony Jeselnik, da, da, da, da. So there was a clear path. Yeah. So on the first roast, I'm like, okay, so if I kill it in this writer's room and get a ton of jokes in and really focus, I can get on the next one. Yeah.

10, 10 later, fucking Trump. Boom. Fucking Rob Lowe, Bruce Willis, Alec Baldwin, you name it. I'm like that close. Never got on one. But all that stuff. Were there conversations? Like, would it be with because...

These are usually conversations that happen with managers and behind the scenes. You tell your manager, I want to do this. I had a bad manager for a long time. And I'm a very loyal, loyal dog. So I'm like, we're going to do it together. And I didn't realize it just wasn't happening. Sure enough, he retired a month before the pandemic. Wow.

what a move yeah exactly good timing on his part oh my god it was unbelievable makes you feel like he might be connected with him yeah I honestly did I'm like what the fuck so left in shambles so you never get your shot and then never get my shot but I'm super close with Jeff Ross who you know I worked with directly on a lot of those things he really does executive produce all these things yeah knows how to do it I told him I said without your fingers in the pie it would have been a

Nightmare. And I gave him his flowers that night and the next day. And like every party I saw him because I think it's understated how – it is very understated, and I say this because you were a writer for 10 years, how important the writing team and Jeff Ross and the production team is to those roasts. Yeah. Because they stage it in a way. They know what people are going to say. They know where they're going to say it. They create a fucking recipe for you to succeed. Yeah.

And Jeff Ross, I said it to him 100 times, drunk, even sober, he fucking is the reason everyone is loving that roast. Oh, yeah. To a large part, Jeff. Oh, absolutely. And every single one of the roasts that have ever happened before it. He's the reason why I'm not kidding you. We are such big roast guys, him and I, that roasting wasn't like a common term, believe it or not. It seems like it is now, but it wasn't like in the zeitgeist 10 years ago.

And so like when that, when we started, we'd like, when we would see a headline on the internet, like, uh, you know, uh, uh, you name it like fucking, um, Joan Rivers roast Kim Kardashian on the view or something like that. When we see, when we would see the word roast, we'd be like, Hey,

That's fucking cool. People are using that word. It was such an old art form. Did you ever see Jeff? I don't want to interrupt. I want you to keep talking about this going forward with this. But did you ever see Jeff? You don't? Did you ever see Jeff? You don't want to interrupt? I don't know. Whatever. Seems like you kind of do, dude. I've been really good at this fucking conversation. You're my partner. I've been really good. Very proud of you. I can't imagine how many times you've wanted to interrupt if you think you've been really good at it.

Damn, your crew is cracking up right now. You must interrupt a lot, huh? You were saying? No, go ahead. You already interrupted. You might as well follow through now. Nope. Go ahead. Come on. You already did it. Technically, you already interrupted. Finish it. I forgot what I was going to say.

Well, that's just a bad interruption. It was Jeff. You ever see Jeff Ross when he roasted B. Arthur? This is probably 20 years ago. Jeff Ross did an old school roast with all the legends and they were doing it at the Friars Club. He said...

God, she's so ugly, I wouldn't fuck her with Bea Arthur's dick. And then the camera cuts to Bea Arthur and he goes, is she still alive? I mean, did you ever see his roast of Shaq, the Shaq roast? Oh, yeah. Shaq and Emmett Smith's roast. Yeah, Emmett Smith's, yeah. It's...

Yeah. You know, Shaq brought that up. When I talked to Shaq, he was like, did you ever see that? And I was like, it's the hardest. It is the most inappropriate, wildest. Oh, yeah. Well, that's the thing is like, and you know, I learned from him a lot about like, okay, so you can do this. But if you do this, then you can't do that. And if you, you know what I mean? You can't go too much one extreme. So, you know, there was,

I was making. Well, first of all, if you want to get into it, it's kind of crazy because this is kind of like a hot scoop. Yeah. All right. So let's get into it. First of all, I've never been a Netflix darling. The special that I was lucky to get to make with a Steadicam in 2015, seven years into my career. Yes.

was a miracle. They were looking for something different with continuity and it was like a year after Birdman came out. So I'm like, what if somebody shot a special like that? - In one take, yeah. - And all I had was one show at the Ice House, I wasn't that good. The difference between a seven or eight year comedian doing an hour special. - In 15 years is, yeah. - Right, it's light years.

Um, but I was lucky to get it at the time and it worked. And then once that two year licensing deal was up and gone, I'm like, fuck this special, get it out of here. I'm so much better. I don't want anybody to see it. Right. So, and it seemed like they weren't knocking at the door anyway. You know, I think they have a thing with likable people or a thing that they can see or something that tests well or whatever, but,

And, um, so they didn't want me on this thing to, to start. And I knew that this was clear. I'm just not an industry guy. I mean, clearly I've, I've, my show, my hit show is on YouTube and you don't see me much more other than that. So, but I have a great team, a great agent, a great manager for the first time ever. And, um,

So I hit them up and I'm like, hey, I'm making you guys all this money. I want you to do something for me. I want to get on this thing, which is crazy because in the beginning when they first announced it, I'm like, oh, that's cool. They're going to do a rose to Tom Brady. That's great. But as it got closer and I'm like live Tom Brady, yeah.

I have a feeling this might be the biggest comedy event ever. In this period, are you at all hitting up Ross because he's your friend? I did hit up Ross when they first announced it to congratulate him. And I feel like he thought that I was going to ask to get on it. But honestly, at the time, again, this was like two months before, I was just like, oh, that's cool. This could be the start of a cool era of roasting on Netflix. But then as it got closer...

I realized like, no, this could be, this could be like the biggest, coolest, craziest thing ever. Like I, it's so my tone on it just changed and,

And I didn't just I didn't just want to hit up Ross and be like, hey, get me on this. Yeah. He knew that, you know, I'm a great guy for the job. If it's live on Netflix, who better than the guy that roasts people live every week, every week on a big ass show in front of a big ass audience that happens to do arenas, which is where this is being shot a few days before I do it anyway. Plus, I've written on the last 10 Comedy Central roasts. Plus, I've done crazy roasts myself.

And so it was kind of like all that mixed together. And then I was mentioning it to Joe that Netflix is doing this Tom Brady roast. And he goes, I'll message Tom Brady. You know, Joe.

Really? Joe's like, I'll message Tom Brady for you. I'm like, really? You do that? And sure enough, he does. And he says, Tony's the best. He sent me a screenshot of it. Tony's the best roaster in the world. You got to have Tony Hinchcliffe. Check out this clip of Tony Hinchcliffe. He sent him me roasting Snoop Dogg. That's a good one. And he sent me the picture of the screen grab. And Brady goes, I'm going to send this right along. Looks great.

And still nothing. Still, they weren't budging. Yep. And yeah, guys, people hate you. I know it's not as easy. I know. I know. Not all of us are fucking darlings like you fucking chubby headed fucks. Anyway, so we should tell you our story. I think it would really frustrate you. You hate our story.

Oh, well. No, I'll tell you when we're done. If it's anything like the set, I probably would hate it. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. You guys phoned it in like an Israeli airstrike. I'm joking. I'm joking. Anyway. Yeah, Burt was lip syncing my set and his set at the same time. Tell me. Okay, anyway. Wait. So this is pretty huge in the fact that the

The guy who is the roast is about. Yeah. Who's happens to be one of the most powerful, most famous people is like, I like this guy and still nothing. Right. Which, which for, you know, for everybody, there's no way anybody could possibly know what they do on these things is they tell you, because comedy central did this forever to me. They go, look, we're not the ones booking it. It's,

the person who's being honored is booking it. So, you know, if Rob Lowe or Justin Bieber or Alec Baldwin or you name it, doesn't, right. Which they're not going to say yes. Yeah. Because they want their favorite comedians that they've seen on the big, right on the big thing. Anyway. So, still nothing. Now we're a few weeks out, but,

Oh, so they want Dana White for the thing because Tom loves Dana White. So Dana White hits me up right before we tape a random Monday Kill Tony. And he goes, hey, they want me to do this Tom Brady roast. Can you help me? You're my head roast advisor. I've worked with them before on something where you had to do comedy. And I go...

I go, Dana, I'm going to be honest with you, bro. I'm trying to get on this thing. It would be huge for me, but I'll help you out any way we can. Like if you want to figure something out. Yeah. But as of right now, I'm still trying to get on it, but I'll still help you.

But I kind of like... This is like a big one for me. Yeah. And I haven't wanted anything forever. Literally, when I moved to Texas, I'm like, fuck all of everything. Fuck everything. I've got everything I wanted now. I can...

I can make money and have a blast doing my own YouTube show that I have 100% control of. No network notes. I don't need anything. I can make my own specials, drop them on YouTube. I'm so done with Hollywood. It's hilarious and I love it. It's so freeing not to worry about anything or be greedy or you know what I mean? Just want anything. I have what I want even though that sounds corny.

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on first three month plan only, speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. - Anyway, but here I am all of a sudden like fuck, I wanna fuck this roast up. I wanna fucking wreck this shit. I'm the guy for the job. So, and then it gets closer, my agent who's fantastic,

Marty Lee sack at UTA applies the pressure to the CP. He's like this old timey legend who, you know, reps will Farrell. And like, I have no, he has, I'm like, I'm like these agents and managers, naughty youngest kid. They all repped like the cleanest people. Seinfeld, Gaffigan, Nate Bargatze, like all these people that wear suits and like only talk about having grandchildren or whatever. Um,

And I'm like their naughty bastard kid that they kind of root for and like because it's like he's a renegade. He's making this money different ways. It's not, you know, whatever. Anyway, he got excited and applied the pressure to, you know, the people over there at Netflix. And then the Dana thing hit. Jeff hit. Tom Brady hit. And this little storm started. So it ended up being, okay, we have an idea for you.

Let's do a thing called and first Jeff warned me. He's like, keep an open mind when we pitch you the idea that we're going to pitch you over this Zoom call, which I'm like, oh, fuck, here we go. I'm going to come out on a unicycle and clown makeup and not get to do a joke. And they're like, we want you to do we want you to do a thing called Kill Tommy. And I'm like, what?

I'm like trying to play it cool because I'm like, are you guys going to let me brand my podcast on this fucking diabolically huge comedy event? Like, this is what I'm thinking. They're like, yeah. And you pull a name out of a bucket and it's going to be Dana White sitting next to you. And it's good for Dana because they'll only have to do a minute. And I'm like, this is fucking crazy. And I go and I get to roast and they're like, well, you know,

There's people at your table that you can make fun of. I go, you guys want me to make fun of the greatest fighters in the world that haven't been set up or made fun of? And Dana White, who runs the only sport that I like sitting next to the octagon for, you're going to fuck up the only existing good relationship that I love in the world? You want me to just light up people at my table? They're like, yeah, well, you get a minute. You can get like a minute.

Like, so Dana gets a minute and I get a minute. I'm like, so, you know, I had to fight the entire time up until rehearsal 24 hours before, which a rehearsal was just like a blocking. They're just seeing how everything looks on camera. Me and Dana are sitting there.

And the long and the short version of the story is like, you know, I go, you guys have got to let me cook here. And I'm like not arguing with this executive producer lady or Jeff. It's kind of like, you know, I'm kind of like, guys, this is like I can do this. Let me show you what it would look like. Okay. And one person's like, we see it as a desk piece. Stay at the table. I'm like, I hear you. Yeah.

But I maybe I'm crazy here. This is literally what I said. And I saw my boys, Jaron Horton and Benji Aflalo, who are two writers for the roast that I got into writing roast jokes again a fucking decade ago. So these are like my it seems like they're working for them, but they're kind of like my fucking like interior soldiers that, you know, are, you know.

Not owe me anything, but we're all fucking homies. Yeah. Anyway, they walk into this blocking rehearsal. So now I have like numbers a little bit. Right. And there's all these stand ins that are sitting there with your guys's things on the day. Yeah. Bert Kreischer and Kevin Hart is some, you know, different black guy standing there looking for like camera blocking all this shit. And I go, here's what it would look like. All right. So Dana White, the, the, the, the.

And then I go, fuck you, bitch. And I start walking. Right. And I go, here's the stool that Aaron Hernandez kicked out from under. I start showing them jokes, which I didn't do the whole time because you don't want other writers or anybody to hear any of your actual material. Yeah. I mean, they could hear your guys's material, but I mean, my good material. I didn't want them to hear any killer jokes. Yes, yes.

Because, you know, it's a sneaky business, especially in Hollywood. That's why one of the many reasons why I got the fuck out is like, make your own shit, save it for you, enough giving it away. So I wasn't doing any of my jokes during the blocking thing. And they're like, come on, Tony, show us what you're going to do. How far ahead were you doing, like, were you prepping the joke? So what's crazy is that I put together a small four-person army immediately. I treated this like I had my own...

like I was on the thing, like I was going to do a full set immediately at my doorstep.

giant fucking, you know, office that I have anyway. So like I treated it and maybe it's not necessarily manifestation, but it was extreme preparation. Another place where we differed. Keep going. Oh, preparation. Yeah. Preparation H maybe. Am I right? Hemorrhoid guys. Anyway, but I really did. And I was obsessed with it. And,

You know, it was kind of crazy because I'm like, holy shit, I am only obsessing about this right now. But if it goes good, it'll give me four or five days to obsess about my show at the Forum, which I had already put a lot of effort into before the roast thing. So it's kind of crazy because I put all...

All my chips into this roast, which is crazy because, again, I knew I was two hours into the show at this point because that's important. And I figured that out. I know that about roasting because the deeper are you in, the deeper you're in, the more you have to kind of cut or readjust. And so you're really dialed into what's happening on stage, right? Super. Would you be? Did you edit? I think you edited something out. Oh.

Oh, tons. Yeah. No, I'm saying even from prompter, right? Cause I think. Oh, a hundred percent. I was switching things around. I know I was switching things around and moving things and sliding in new things and new headers and new sweeteners. And the, even the nice shoes, bitch, did you win those in the divorce? The Bella check, everything that I started with, which is a huge fucking risk. Everything that I started with, I wrote at the table. I got you. Like, I'm like, okay, nobody's hit that. Yeah.

He Randy Moss was begging for a ring. Bill Belichick's phone isn't ringing. Ring, ring those shoes. The top I was staring at Tom Brady's shoes the whole time because his pant legs were riding high and I'm literally right there. God, those are some gay fucking shoes. I wonder if they'll zoom in if I hit him on that. Yeah, because they were they were not they were like women's boots. And by the way, that's another thing you talk about, like especially a risk at the top of the set.

in that situation. First of all, I could have fallen up the fucking stairs. Like it's live. Anything could go wrong. And when I said my opening line that when I did that turn from Dana and I go, nice shoes, bitch. And I'm fucking making sure I'm not falling up the stairs. Did you win those in the divorce? He goes, and I don't think anybody noticed this. He goes, yeah, I'll shove one of these right up your fucking ass. Cause he was not, he didn't,

He didn't know who he didn't. He must not have said he must not have remembered who the fuck I am or whatever. Oh, he said it in the moment. And if you watch that roast, if you watch it, you can't really see it there because the pant legs are down, but they go high. They're so gay. Yeah. Anyway, he goes, I'll shove it up your ass. And at that moment, like you'll you'll notice if you rewatch it like I go, oh, hey, everybody. It's quite a day. It's up here because my brain is going. Yeah.

Do you acknowledge what Tom Brady just said or do you plow forward? That's a million dollar moment right now. And I go, Oh God, I should acknowledge it, but it wasn't Mike. Nobody else heard it. It's too early. It could throw off everything. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go run the ball, run the ball, run. I always go back to like football or UFC analogies. Anyway, um,

so I ignore that, which is fucking great that I did. Cause all I've made those mistakes before on shit. That's the difference between guys that are doing a roast for the first time and guys like you have been doing it for fucking 15 plus years. Yes, exactly. And again, kill Tony helps. Everything helps. You have to know what to ignore and what to move on. Keep the momentum going. That's the thing for performing regular shows too. When you're, when, especially when you're, when you're doing standup in arenas, sometimes you, um, you,

you hear something or see something and your brain in a moment has to go, is that worth acknowledging? Because you realize 15,000 people didn't see that. Are you going to derail the show? Exactly. And unless it's like noteworthy, you don't, you let things slide. You know, you have to. Exactly. And then all of a sudden people at home are like, what the fuck is he talking? Yeah. What are you talking about? Like, I bet you'd love to do that, Tom. Yeah. Huh? Do what? That's not the only thing you want to shove up my ass. What was your next joke right after that?

After the shoes up the ass, I went straight to because the positioning had changed. So like so many things changed. Originally, I had Kevin Hart shadow Randy Moss. That's not your shadow. That's Randy Moss. But now Gronk was sitting in between or no, not Gronk. Belichick was sitting in between Gronk and Randy Moss. So instead of abandoning that joke completely, I switched it to Gronk Kevin Hart.

And I wrote the Randy, because now I'm like, I didn't realize Randy Moss was going to be next to Bill Belichick because that wasn't in the blocking thing. Bill Belichick was a special guest, came out late. So I'm like, oh, I can go this way. So I go, Randy Moss, crazy that you asked Bill Belichick for a ring. You know what else doesn't have a ring? Bill Belichick's phone.

And then I, but we're here for Tom, Aaron Hernandez stool and all this stuff. Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart. Right. So I was moving now geographically. Can I interrupt? Instead of, yeah.

Was it your choice to walk the dais? Because that was my favorite part. Yes, so I didn't actually get to finish. When Jerron and Benji and everybody in this rehearsal are coming in, and they're like, it's a desk piece. And I'm like, having me sit at this table and shooting it like that for a minute is like hiring the world's greatest sushi chef to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You guys have to let me cook. I don't even use cool slangs like that, but I had heard it recently, and I'm like, I kind of like that.

Like you have to let me cook. Let me cook. Someone make that as a t-shirt. Yeah. Let me cook. Tony Hinchcliffe, let him cook. Yeah. And I, and I did, and I said it and I go, you guys think I'm crazy, but in the director lady who was awesome, um,

She directed like 12 years of Saturday Night Live. Exactly. So she was there now too in this rehearsal. We're going back 24 hours. And I go, call me crazy, but shouldn't it be like this? And I'm up there doing it and I'm moving. And I see her like, yeah, because she has something to do now that isn't just shooting the fucking podium or shooting straight on. You know, it's like.

mixes it up yeah it breaks up the monotony and I had to come up with that idea the best though is that you told me later because when you were done you sat down next to me and later on you were like yeah I was told to go back to my seat but I fucking decided to sit right here

Let them know I'm sitting here. Actually, one of their original ideas was, that's what's crazy, is they go, it's a desk piece, but when you're done, you can go up and sit up on the second level with the players. I'm like, why would I do that? I just look like an intruder or something. I want to be part of this now. That's so weird. Let me do what I can do, and then I'll end up there. And so...

You know, so I got it because the director was in and my homies were like, yeah, that looks great. And Jeff's like, yeah, man, that looks great. So, you know, and, you know, no disrespect to Netflix or the EP because they couldn't have known. No, of course. I'm just some fucking rabble rouser that's just shooting my shot. It could have seemed like I'm going to go up there and fucking, you know, but.

everybody looked good in the end they look like fucking genius yeah for sure but so many switches were happening in the moment like if you guys knew it would boggle your mind do you want to hear about our story oh yeah let's do it so they called and they're I guess they called Bert first they're like hey we have this idea we want to have you guys in the rose and then Bert said yeah 100% Tom's in too

And they went, well, we haven't reached out to Tom. I said, you don't need to. We're in. Oh, wow. Yeah, we're in. Done. Done. Wow. They said, well, it pays. I said, I don't care. I said, how much? They told me. I said, Tom, I get the same? They said, yeah. I said, yeah, we're in. Oh, my God. He called me. He's like, we're doing the roast. We're doing the roast. I said, what? Absolutely fucking not. I said, no. I said, Tom, light lift, light lift. I said, I knew two things. I knew one is...

and it was very clear to me when we got on the dais is that not every football player was familiar with any of us comics. And I was like, and not any of the comics have anything that you can make fun of. I'm definitely a good target. Oh yeah. So I was like, I was like, I know that's why I got the offer initially was like, you

yo we've seen you get there's a lot to make fun of you about yeah i didn't i didn't realize how much i was bringing to the table to be made fun of i didn't know how much i was going to make fun of myself authentically on accident yeah but i was like that's cool i'm in for that i'll be i'll get lit up i'm not good at roast jokes i'm not a good at making fun of people so and jeff knew that and jeff's like well we want to do something different yeah tom's still like i'm not doing it

yeah i was like no smart uh you were right i was like i don't they're like well we want to we want to break up it was i guess sort of a version of what you what they ended up with you they were like we want to do something different yeah we want to do the two of you and i was like and then we both i thought i go you want us to both go to the podium together and they were like no just like a

almost like a variety piece. Right. Maybe a screen. At first it was like pitched as like a sports center thing. So when they, when they pitched that one, we kind of were like, I don't know, man, like making, making fun of, making fun of it in a sports center way. Right. So then we, yeah, we pitched this idea about making fun of him with like whiteness. Yeah. Being a psycho. And they're like, oh yeah, no one's doing that angle yet.

Sent them a script. They send their script, like their punch of script. Combine the two. Yeah. You're like, that's good enough.

That's great. I'll tell you what. No reason to work on this anymore. It's just the most watched thing ever. First and foremost, all you should be saying is thank you, Bert and Tom. Because without us, it is a bunch of people doing the exact same thing. We broke up. We definitely thank you, Kim Kardashian. It was a comedy up until you guys started. Then you guys got to really change the tone a bit. You had to make everybody appreciative of us.

I had no idea. I told him this. I'm still living in oblivion. I had a blast. I think we did great. I've not met one person that did not like what we did. I don't read comments because there's like...

Like, what are you going to shit on someone who didn't maybe do as well as you or Nikki? That's the thing. Right. Of course. As well as you and Nikki who were next level. It was next level. And you have to realize. If your team wins and you were on the dais, all you do is go, that was fun as shit. Look, it's like when you see a boxer or a wrestler attempt the UFC.

It's the, it's, it's a, it's, you could be an Olympic gold medalist, standup comedian. And you go into that world where Nikki has that much experience. And I, so much. Yeah. We were doing this.

Peter Shore, the owner of the Comedy Store, is doing a mini documentary behind the scenes about Kill Tony going to Madison Square Garden. It just so happened that we're staying at the same hotel in LA and he's shooting this thing from the driver's seat, me, on the way to the roast. And I give this weird analysis just looking out the window. I kind of forget that he's there. I'm just talking to my team, kind of like talking out a meditative, like as corny as this sounds, like steak because it's jokes. Who cares? But anyway...

And I literally called what was going to happen because I know this world so well. Yeah. And I knew the order of events. And I literally go, it's going to be a fucking smoke show the first 20, 30 minutes. I go, the energy is going to be insane. It's going to be beautiful. Tom's going to look great. It's going to be intimidating. He's going to be taller than everybody remembers. He's going to be cooler than everybody thinks. And that's,

Jeff and Nikki are going to light the place on fire. I go, especially, I mean, Jeff, we know what he's going to do. So you can't, Jeff can't have a breakout performance because he's Jeff. He's done it. He is a breakout performance, Nikki. And I go, Nikki is going to decimate the room and everybody is going to be playing catch up.

So me two hours in after everybody and their mother and every special guest has to fucking just know that that's going to happen. I can't be like, oh, when there's no catching up to that. It's like a mentality thing. I'm going to ask you a very fucked up question. Okay. But I've wondered this. If you had put Schultz in Nikki's spot, would everyone be talking about Schultz and not Nikki? If you would have put Nikki in Schultz's spot. And Schultz in Nikki's.

It's a flow thing. If you look at Nikki's style, which she stayed consistent throughout her roasting career. If you look at her style, she does this continuity thing. She does this thing where she goes, Bird, I love your joke. And it's just...

continuous and it's just so good you gotta you gotta hand it to Kevin because he can't reach it bow bow bow short which I love if you look you know I'm like known in the writers room for sending in

eight word jokes where so many people you could see you can we used to do this thing right all the writers say there's fucking 12 16 writers or whatever everybody sends in all their jokes a writer's assistant compiles them and then we read them in the room and all laugh right and

You could see where my jokes start. You can tell because it's these fucking one-liners where everybody else has like, you know, three lines or a paragraph or whatever the fuck it is. You know, sometimes two lines, whatever. And if I have a long one, if I have a long one in my clump, it's like the Bert, Tiger King, Liber King. People are like, what the fuck is that? Such a great joke. But like, I'm obsessed with short jokes. It's one of the reasons why, you know, Jeff and I,

clung together immediately. He's like, what the fuck? Peter, make me another drink, please. So it's not about who's right. I'm not taking away from Nikki. Look, I've known Nikki 20 years. She is fucking...

When I stood backstage and I saw, first of all, she was like 6'4". Yeah. In that outfit. Yeah. She looked stunning. Oh, yeah. I was drawn to her out of all those people. Oh, yeah. And I was like, oh, she's going to fuck. She is walking in. She was there to eviscerate. Undeniable. It was also a flawless set. It was a perfect set. Flawless. So my point is, it's not who's funnier or necessarily position. It's a battle of styles. Schultz had, you know, it's like a reload. You know, he's moving on.

Does this make sense? Yeah. There's breaks in the momentum. Yeah. And you know, this person's here. And it's great. And it's huge. And then it's a reset. Right. It's a reset. So the momentum breaks. He's restarting on somebody else. I thought he was great too. Me, Schultz, and Tom were all sitting together. And after Nikki, all of us were like,

Holy fuck, man. This is like, this is, it's going to be a tough hill to climb. Oh, exactly. And, but Schultz, I think Schultz was masterful. He was so fucking good. totally. I almost, I would argue he is not brought. And look, you and Nikki owned that evening. I have nothing. I have no flowers to take other than to give, but I do believe that people are understating. No, one's really talking about how great Schultz was. And I look as a standup comedian and I love Andrew, uh,

He three hours in this motherfucker goes up after everyone has ringed this goddamn thing dry and still crushes. Yeah. Still people should be writing about him going like this dude had the fucking he was the fucking last dude in the orgy. Oh yeah. And his dick was still rock hard. Yeah. And he blew a load in her and he kissed her on the lips. Oh 100 percent. No he was great. And now I'm hard. Yeah. But it's really you know another thing is that.

With Nick, the way Nikki writes and connects it all like a like a model train, almost like it's like it all flows. And if you look at her old roast, like if you see an old clip of the things she's done before, she's doing that there. She's.

She's so good. This was so amplified. This will probably make some people crazy, maybe make me crazy. A few nights later, I was at the forum for my show. Netflix executives came by that show, talking about the roast, asked if I wanted to be involved in the next roast. Oh, wow. And that's after that set. Damn, they didn't even ask me that. That's how hated I am by the industry. Because you guys went out there and did what you did. And you're already being invited to the next one. Yeah, it isn't even booked yet.

Yeah. I fucking decimate and I have no idea what's going on. But we'll see if we can put a word in for you. Yeah. That's the thing. I'll send you a screen grab of the text I sent. I can't wait. Tony, if you want, you can write for us. Yeah.

But I didn't even get to tell you guys like the one of the coolest parts of the thing from my story. Just to let you know what an underdog I was. Yes, is in the final thing. It was like, OK, you can roam the stage, but let's keep it to two minutes, two minutes, which is like crazy. That's like fantastic.

five jokes with applause breaks yeah you know i know that i have the all hell nods up my sleeve which i watched you i watched i watched you cut off your applause breaks oh yeah yeah and this is a thing for that you would they would start clapping and you go yeah and and get it because i was like i was like oh he's running this yeah and for the 17 people that are excited about the technical side of roasting that i'm talking about here's a crazy fun fact

Is that it was only on that day before the day before in which I had this like breakthrough because I'm a stoner. Most people don't know because I don't like make up my identity or anything. You know what I mean? But I smoke blunts all the time. Um,

And like I was just kind of chilling and I had this like moment where I'm like, wait a second. Every other comedian is going to be going off of arena timing. They're going to want to look good. They're going to want to get applause breaks. They're going to want to soak it in. They're giving me a shorter set than everybody else. And I'm other than Jeff, the roastiest comedian that has anything to do with this thing. So I'm.

So I am going to hit the fucking gas pedal. You did. And I'm going to play for the people that are watching at home or the people that are screen grabbing it for the Internet. I'm going to play towards them. And since I'm two hours in, like I couldn't do that early on. Right. Yeah. Mickey spot or else it would seem like this guy's too rapid. Right. Exactly. What's he doing? What's he have a problem? What's anyway. So like.

Had this moment and I ran it by Whitney Cummings at at a brunch the day before okay Let me ask you something she's a fucking gangster genius And I go I think I'm gonna play this thing like fast and hard cuz I'm two hours in she's like that's exactly it You have to fucking make it yours go over the top like yeah, that's

That sounds right. And it was my secret weapon. I watched your pacing on that. And it was, you know, look, Tom said this. Tom gave you this compliment behind your back. They were talking about people were saying like how great was that roast? How great was Tony Hinchcliffe in that way? Tom's like, you know, we've watched this guy cook.

His entire life. And he's like, we've watched this guy be a monster his entire career. We knew he had that ability. I don't think we just got to watch him shine to everyone the way he's always shined to us. And it was a bunch of very important people. And everyone's like, really? And Tom's like, man, that guy did exactly what he does every single fucking night. He just got the platform to do it on.

That's exactly what it felt like to me. Again, I always make corny UFC analogies because it's my other favorite thing. But like, and this is obnoxious to say, but it really felt like my like Nate Diaz versus Connor moment where everybody was shocked.

except for me. And even I was fucking like when Kevin Hart, that moment, you remember that moment where he's going on and on for a minute, 30 seconds. And I turned to you and that was real, by the way, I wasn't kidding. I literally go, is he still talking about me? And you go, yeah.

Yes, and I remember your face like yeah, dude. This is your fucking yeah moment. Yeah right now Well then Tony turned to me. He goes I've arrived I said yeah, and you go and now I was like I said, you know, it's so funny It's what you did is is I will say is bigger than a Netflix special it feels that way it is I mean, I mean it was bigger than a Netflix special what Nikki did is

What Nick and Nikki eclipsed.

Oh, yeah. And I'm saying the two takeaways were you and Nikki. That was it. That was it for the whole night. And I think it goes understated how brilliant Kevin Hart was. Yeah. Kevin Hart was brilliant. He was great. He set the stage. He set the energy for that room. It doesn't get talked about because he's like a superstar and he does all this shit. And, you know, the jokes are like he does everything. But watching him just as the host of that and the energy and the joke, like he was fantastic.

- Oh, him and, that's the Jeff Ross effect, right? It's like you're so used to them doing that that it's not that big of a deal, but without them, it is a shit show. - Jules killed it, Gronk killed it. - Yeah, he made that thing. - Everyone, all you, I said to Tom, 'cause Tom and I thought we were gonna absolutely bomb, we didn't. And we said that to each other, we're like, we're about to eat a dick.

It's gonna be bad. And I remember I kissed him. I said, buddy, if we die, we die together. That's so great. Because I'm cool dying next to him. I'm cool with it. He said one time, we were talking about cancel culture. I remember, I don't know if he said it on a podcast or he said it to me privately. And he said, let them go after my buddy. Wait till you see what I burn down. And I was like, okay, I got that for you then. If we die, we die together. I will tell you, I don't give a fuck what anyone says on the internet. We didn't die. We had a great time. And we sat down confident. We're like,

The internet's going to decide to hate whatever they want to hate. I don't really give a fuck about those people. You guys are balling out of control. Of course they're going to hate. It was kind of funny, though, because even though it wasn't fever pitch like your guys, we were getting laughs throughout this bit. Of course. So we sat down. Tom Brady was like, that was great. After the Netflix people, the after party, I had to call him. I go, do you know that online they're like, you guys ate shit? And I was like, I don't know.

I had no idea. But I made this point on other podcasts, especially about the non-comics, meaning like the athletes, Kim Kardashian. She's a great example. And Ben Affleck. Kim Kardashian gets up there.

And she's getting booze, right? But what she does is she stays unflustered, stays in the pocket, keeps on prompter. And eventually, the jokes, she got to jokes that won the crowd over, and they ended up applauding. And you're like, wow, she went from there like, we hate you, to they gave her props. Ben went up there, and I don't know if it was...

a panic thing or what, but it just went off the rails. No, it was weird. That whole thing was just bizarre. Yeah, the Ben part was goofy. But it shows you that it ain't easy. I think it shows you it ain't easy. I also think that... Because we didn't know he was there. I don't know if you knew. We didn't know he was there. I heard a rumor that he might be there, so I had a couple things up my sleeve. But there was also like...

You know, you had a daughter that just came out as trans. No. Did you know that? No. Yeah. She's like, I'm a man. So stupid. Catch me doing that at the next multimedia roast. The no, the thing is, they told us he was back there later on. Yeah. With writers.

Up until I think he went on, which tells you that you're making last minute changes, which probably are changes that he's suggesting. Exactly. Which is very dangerous. What's the problem is that, well, and I think, you know, once again, I always go back to the writers because they're Mike Gibbons, Mike Lawrence. I'm thinking of the two Mikes, but... Monsters. They all know...

so much more than we do. Oh, yeah. And sometimes if you don't... I mean, look, I see Mike Lawrence and I go, tell me what to say. Yeah. He gave me the Hitler joke on the day of. Yeah. He was like, you know, Hitler stuck with his wife until the end. Amazing. And I was like, oh, awesome. Like, I know he is a better comic than I am. Yeah. He is just... That guy's brain is better than mine. Writer. If he took his shirt off and got drunk, he might have a better career than me. But...

But, listen, I'm likable. I get it. But I think that's the problem when you get these superstars in there where they go, I know what I'm doing. Right.

And I'm not going to listen to Mike Lawrence or Mike Gibbons or all the great writers that are attached to that. Which is a very movie star thing to do. I can't shit on Ben Affleck. No, I'm not shitting on him. I just think that's a decision thing. If he was making adjustments to a camera angle or a movie or something like that, that would make sense. What did you think of his angle? Do you think that angle could have been funny? It was stupid. In fact, it stepped on what Tom was about to do later. Somebody should have...

somebody should have made huge adjustments to that. That's where a network executive should have been like, wait a second, this is kind of like talking about internet trolls. I'll tell you what I think is almost a thing there is that Ben Affleck is a super sharp guy. And I think you can, a really smart person who's really creative, you can get into overthinking these things. Whereas the regular joke writer, roast writer is like, here you go. And they go,

I want to elevate this more. It's like, it's overdoing the bit. And I think that's really why it didn't. It also just takes tons and tons and tons of experience doing that. Like even my set going back to it again, like it's like,

Being raised in an all black neighborhood and doing every single black show that I could do when I was in L.A., all the trip and on Tuesdays, the crack them up Thursdays, the Moe Betta Mondays, the chocolate Sundays like there's all these different things called Wednesday. We hate whites Wednesday. No, I'm kidding. I don't know. Yeah, but.

All of that put together, all of the risks that I took in each one of those shows was applied to what can I get away with? OK, so I'm calling Kevin Hart a shadow to Gronkowski. I'm saying that Kevin Hart is so small that when his ancestors picked cotton, they called it deadlifting. I'm like, oh, fuck, that's right there on the line. Yeah, right up against it.

And then there's definitely some of the athletes on stage that were like, yeah. Oh, well, what's amazing. And again, the fucking director, God, I'm blanking out Judy or Beth or Beth, Beth, right? I mean, my God, she fucking got this shit and it could have backfired, but we did the goddamn dance. Yes. Yes. Yes. Beth McCarthy Miller killed it. So for example, when I'm doing the cotton picking, Kevin,

Kevin Hart joke. She literally has two black offensive linemen from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers over each one of my shoulders. And I they're literally like they have their drinks and shit. One of them does at least. And I go, Kevin Hart is so small that when his ancestors pick cotton and at that part, you see them both go like and like one's taking a sip like that. Like literally they're in over my shoulders flanking me.

And when I hit the dead lifting part, you see them both like one goes that way and one goes that way laughing. And it's like, Ooh, thank God. How many of those did you have shows? I imagine those shows you're talking about coming up where you took a risk like that and it just went horrifically wrong. So many, so many. I had one where fucking, I went off on this one guy in an all black show. Like, I mean the super black show, they used to do this thing in a movie theater where,

Egyptian movie theater and I mean it was it was like gang gang gang gang gang gang gang LA gang gang gang gang super gang gang show I cannot describe to you how dangerous this show was yeah but I was like one of three token white guys that were in the rotation for this thing because I would go for it yeah and

One night, this guy... I do a Michael Jackson pedophile joke. And some guy with a big fucking grill and, you know, just...

You can picture it. Stands up and goes, you don't make fun of Michael Jackson. Fuck you, homie. And I go, fuck you. You broke bitch. And like, I just start going in on him in the crowd. Boom. I'm smashing this guy. Right. But I got there late and then had to run to the comedy store. So I don't know who anybody in the place is. I go, look at your tinfoil bitch ass grill. Sit down. You fucking broke ass bitch. You spent all your money on the outfit you wore out tonight. The crowd's just roaring.

And they were roaring a little bit too loud, but I didn't really notice why I didn't think anything of it. And I'm running late to my spot at the comedy store. I get a call from my manager on speakerphone, and I take it. I go, what's up? I just had a fun set at the Black Show. And he goes, yeah, did you just completely annihilate A$AP Rocky? I'm like, oh, fuck.

Oh, is that who that was? And they're like, yep. I just got a call from one of my assistants saying that ASAP Rocky is like mad, but happy, but mad. I'm like, oh shit. This is the thing. There's two questions I have to ask. But one is I find really interesting and I find it interesting now that

that your name's being brought up to me so often is I don't think people know who you are. I think when people think of you, they think of Hollywood, LA, move to Austin, embrace the Austin, outlaw, whatchamacallit. But it all stems...

from you growing up and I didn't even realize this in a rough part of Ohio. Oh yeah. The roughest. And I don't think Youngstown, I didn't understand how rough it was because you don't look like that. Exactly. And I don't sound like it. A lot of, that's why one of my least favorite things in the world are white people that try to sound black that were raised in all black neighborhoods. Cause it's like, you don't have to, you don't have to do that. That's weird. Yeah.

Cause like no one, I swear to God, I wish I could show you like video, like, like fucking Google maps, 3d. Like my neighborhood was so diabolically insane that it's unbelievable to the human eye. Like if we made a movie about it, no one would believe it. No one would believe it. That's what the coolest thing about you is that like, and so, but that's where the fearlessness begins. So what's crazy is that by the time I hit the cotton picking and by the time I hit the,

you know, this, the, that, the fearlessness with him. I moved to Sam J black, obese, lesbian. So Netflix checked off a lot of boxes. Now I hit them once in the ribs, right? Yeah. Mr. Two minutes set, stay at the desk. We didn't want them here anyway. Right. Yeah. Just one little, one little. Yeah. And so I was actually, I, that all hell Nas joke, which I knew the second it clicked in my head, like,

I was actually... This sounds crazy, but I was getting a massage at the time. And I trap a lot of shit in my shoulders. This is a weird, braggadocious, stupid thing. But the masseuse had her fucking elbow right in here. And I'm trying to think of a Sam Jay joke. And I'm like, okay, black lesbian. Come on, Tony. You've got this. You've got this. So...

What do they do? They eat pussy, right? But what do black women say? What do black women say? Oh, hell nah.

And I'm like, oh my God, nah, nahs, nahs on it. She doesn't eat pussy. She all hell nahs on it. And I stopped the massage and I'm literally like, I gotta, I'm sorry. I have to get up and I get my face out of my, you know what I mean? Like your face is swollen. You can't even open your eyes and shit. And I'm writing this down and I tell the masseuse, this perfect little like sweet, innocent, right? Bull of a chick that fucking goes crazy on my upper back and

I go, I just wrote a joke about a black lesbian. I said, she doesn't eat pussy. She all hell gnaws on it. And I've never, she's literally like, and she's not that type of person to like hysterically crack up. And I'm like, oh, this is like a crazy joke. Like it's different than, it's a great joke. It's a fucking, you gotta go for it. You have to believe in it. I mean, another super technical thing is I take a few steps out. I saw a Drake concert.

like eight months ago, which was amazing. And I kept noticing that he would do this thing where he would go right up to the edge of the stage at times. He's on a box in the round and on big things and on big lines, it almost looked like his foot was hanging off. And like he was, and it's a high stage, extra high stage too. And it would look like he was about to fall off. And I loved it.

sometimes I'll see like a great concert or something and I'll be like, oh, that's rock and roll. That's good. So I started kind of applying that to the big theater standup shows that I was doing. And on the all hell Nas joke, I was so excited. And I looked down, I almost fell off the fucking stage live on Netflix. Cause I took a few steps up. I go, she doesn't eat pussy. She, ah, hell.

Like, I mean, I literally stepped out for almost alive on Netflix in the middle of a killer set, almost disappeared out of the frame. Real quick before we wrap up, how happy is your mom for all this? Oh, she's ecstatic.

She's absolutely fucking she came on your mom's house. Yeah, ten years ago or something Oh, she was like one of my favorite things. Oh, yeah, she loves you guys She she talks about that all the time, but she's must be elated for your success. Oh, it's absolutely insane. Oh

She's like, my doctor and the ladies at the, you know, she's 78. She's like, I went to my doctor's appointment. All the ladies are like, are you Tony's mom? He killed it. That's awesome. Like everywhere she goes, which is like there. That's where 78 year olds go to the doctor's office for their hangs. Yeah. All right. One more question. Yeah. One more question.

And this is maybe a useless question. You've been doing stand-up how long? 17 years. 17 years. I've been doing it 22 maybe, 23, maybe 25. Which is another crazy thing. Sorry to interrupt you for a change. Payback's a bitch. But no, um...

That week, this crazy week that I had was my 17 year anniversary of starting stand up at the comedy store and my three year anniversary of my cancellation. All in the same crazy ass week that I had in L.A., which was pretty crazy. Fucking nuts. Yeah. Staple Center, two forums, YouTube theater. And I got to basically call my shot at the comedy store like the highest level that you dream of as a door guy. Being able to be the special guest pop in and be like, I want to go now.

Which, you know, I only was doing my normal set. Yeah, a good like a good human. But, you know, it was just a very surreal week of hitting the. Yeah, that's like I've shared a lot of moments with you privately that I don't mind sharing.

But in saying that, I know your struggle. I know where you have been. I remember when the fucking cancel thing happened. I remember when you were not the hot ticket item. I remember you getting in trouble for shit. You sat on a plane with Joe one time. I remember all that. You were there. You were the only person that was there the day I did my...

first paid regular spot you're the only part you pulled me aside and you said I know this is a big moment for you uh you brought me out and it was and you we shared that privately we had a shot together you're and so I know you how tough is it with these kids that are doing Kill Tony that are now all of a sudden so famous doing these arena shows and they're very talented yeah Cam Patterson

I took him on the road. He's one of the most enjoyable human beings to be around. His dad is fucking amazing. All the time. On stage, off stage, at restaurants, on a trip, everywhere. But how do you keep it measured for them to let them know, yo, you still just started?

This is a long career and you're getting so fucking... What's the kid that moves around, Rockin' Rodney or something? Yeah, Casey Rocket. Casey Rocket. I mean, he's fucking... He's so fun to watch, but how do you... Do you talk to them...

And like, like Joe talked to us or to keep the measure to go, hey, you're just starting and there's going to be a long career. And it's not always going to be as fire hot as it is right now. And like, because that's the most fascinating thing. It's the secret sauce to my life. It's the thing that actually keeps everything in balance. I don't have kids. I don't have, you know, a wife. So as corny as this sounds, they kind of are my life.

Not children, but fucking... Sort of. I love comedy so much. I live it and breathe it. And so my favorite thing is to tell them everything that I know. You know, Kill Tony is...

It's it's it's actually modeled after Kill Bill, which is like training assassins. That was the original idea of the name behind it is like, let's fucking kind of help people and teach them how.

everything that we know and be fearless and work with the funniest people we know. And if you're good, you get a golden ticket. If you're great, if you're unbelievable, you're a fucking regular. Cam got regular ship after one set. It's unprecedented on that show for me to go, you know what? You're so good.

But I want to see a new 60 seconds from you every single week. It is such a hard position. He's the youngest ever regular. He's the greenest regular. He had only been doing it in Austin a couple months when he was made a regular. He was doing it in Tampa a couple, I think a year and a half or two years. Something crazy.

And so like, you know, to work with the funniest people, you know, and to get to help them and truly help them. I mean, I tell them all the same thing. You have to write, write, write, write, write. Don't waste your energy on bullshit. Don't do a ton of other people's podcasts. They're all going to try to suck.

the energy out of you. Wait to do the big podcast if you want to promote yourself because everybody gets hit up immediately. If you have a good set on Kill Tony, you get invited to 30 Austin, not open micers, but you know, whatever. Yeah, yeah. Podcasts.

I give them all the advice that I can, which is all trickle down from Joe, which I think goes for all of us. Joe created this paradigm where you share all the information. Absolutely. If Kill Tony was 20 years ago, it would be a shit show. That kid Cam, we did an arena in Portland, Maine.

And during my set, he went and did two open mics. Yeah, they're crazy. That's what they do. Came back. His dad was there. His dad's like, you should be hanging out. And he's like, no, I got to get on stage. I was like, that's the fucking hunger, man. No, that's what they do. And that's how I was. I was a fucking nut. My boy Toby, who just moved here to be a bartender here, he was a former bartender at the comedy store, reminded me the other day.

He goes, dude, I was telling somebody about your work ethic. They were talking shit. They were saying, I don't know how Tony got this or that or whatever. I go, let me tell you something. Tony is from Chicago. I'm a bad impressionist. But anyway, he goes, Tony used to fuck in when I was a door guy at the store. He goes, Tony used to get on the fucking tour buses that would pull up in front of the store and go, hey, I'm going to do three minutes.

And he reminded me of that. Yeah, I used to do that. Like if it was before a shift or whatever, and the TMZ bus came up and they had a microphone on the thing. So I would go right up there and I go, hey, how's everybody doing? I had some bad jobs in my day. I used to be a bus boy and a bag boy, like all these corny shit, terrible fucking beginner level jokes.

And but but it was work getting better. And that's how they all are. And I share that with them. I go, if you guys want to go bomb at an open mic after fucking doing a sold out theater with me, feel free. They've been doing that the whole time. Hans Kim, him, William Casey. They just can't get enough. They have insatiable appetites for amazing comics. And if they get one little tag or one little thing, all of a sudden that's 15, 20 seconds out of next week's minute that they've chipped away at. So, you know, kill Tony. You get to actually watch these people grow.

And, you know, everybody in-house loves them when they see their long sets. And people can nitpick, you know, at their minutes on Kill Tony, but not...

Never ever ever in the history of comedy have you gotten to watch? Somebody's actual growth you're getting to watch together their brand and their fans new minutes are always fucking good bro Casey Rockets is fucking awesome William and Hans all the all the people you have on David Lucas is a monster monster There's so many fucking great. You're so good for comedy the thing we love the most and and look at all of

fish stinks at the head joe rogan created a paradigm for us to give oh yeah and and you man i'm i'm so happy for your success genuinely happy thank you when you killed awesome i was like that's what yeah i told you i was very proud of you man oh yeah that was amazing you like helped me like settle back in like the adrenaline from that

Because it was kind of like, I don't know, eight mile-ish, my moment, right? Just letting go and letting all the work

do it for me. And like being there with you and like I looked out in the crowd and I saw it was like a blur as corny as that sounds because I've done arenas and I've done stand up in the round at Madison Square Garden and all these places with Joe and my own big giant theaters. But there was something about all of that coming together live on Netflix. Awesome to see. And we're super happy for you personally for the podcast, too. Also, we will call you on the next roast. Yeah, I'm going to help you guys out. Yeah.

I'll do the same fucking set. Thank you. I'll do the same fucking set. And you can suck my dick, America. The world. It's global, Bert. It's the whole world. We'll see you next time. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.