Tom and Bert Made Their Dads FURIOUS | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Real quick, this weekend I will be in Cleveland, Buffalo, and Toronto, Canada. Is this how we're starting the show now? Why not? I'm on the road. Okay, then I'm in Las Vegas, September 27th and 28th at Resorts World Theater. I kind of like it, Tom. Well, yeah, I mean, that's this weekend, too. What's the point of having a podcast if we're not promoting our fucking tour dates? This is not that fucking crazy. What?

Okay, keep going, keep going, keep going. We have shows this weekend. And then the following weekend, I'll be in Columbus, Detroit, and Grand Rapids. TomSegura.com slash tour. What's the name of your tour? Come on my stomach or something? It's come on my stomach. Loads of come. Loads of come. Come, come, come. Yeah. Come. Yeah, I know. I'm so sad because there's two comes in a row. I'm going to have to not name the next one anything come related. It's really sad.

Ali Wong's got a new special, and I love the name. What is it? Single Lady. Is it out now? I don't know. I think it's out. I think it's out. I try to watch everyone's special. There's an Indian dude. You do. I cannot believe you do this. I do it to make sure I'm not stepping on material or that someone's not doing. I always had the thing whenever I saw someone doing a joke similar to me, I just bailed on it. I was like, I got to write better. What about when you saw somebody take their shirt off? I've seen that. I know you have.

Yeah. I don't know. It's, you know, I don't know. It doesn't, it doesn't bother me, but I, it's, it's curious to me that they, that they would do it. Like, it's clearly something that I have done for a while, a while. And it's so derivative, but I, but I understand, like, I remember Ari texted me and Ari said, dude, I just did stand up shirtless. Like I had to text you and tell you I did it, but it was fucking exhilarating. It really is funny shit. Like it,

I love it. I'll never do stand-up with my shirt on. Ever? Ever. I never will. What about like in your 60s? Well, luckily I'll probably still be jacked as fuck. That is very lucky. Yeah. I don't know. I start thinking, can I tell you the only thing I'm... You know that I'm obsessed with this. If I have to get that surgery...

Yes. Then I'm worried. What if I have scars? What's wrong with that? I don't want scars because I can't get, I got a tattoo, but I can't get a tattoo on my stomach or on my arms or on my chest because it would be distracting to see me shirtless. And then you'd just be like, oh.

Hey, look, he's got a tattoo. It's always weird when you see like an older dude with his shirt off and he's got tattoos. Yeah. So it's always like, you're like, Oh, that you got that on. But the college, the scar wouldn't be that big a deal. I mean, a lot of people have scar. You look at it and then you're like, okay, that's the scar. I mean, unless you're going to get like the full open heart, everything. Yeah. Yeah. That would be a little more alarming. Don't even talk about the surgery. I don't even want to fucking talk about it. I mean, I'm not like you. I'm not like you. I'm not like you with,

With what? With the way the world works. Where you go, I should go see the dentist next week. Or, hey, maybe I should. I have something and it's an elective surgery. I elect to get it. That's cool. I can't wait to go under the knife. You're not going to do that. No. You and Christina are different than me. And I'm just not. I honestly think to myself about stuff. I remember when I had molar problems. And they were like, we're going to have to break your jaw. And I was like, well, maybe I'll just die first. Maybe I can just die first.

Well, that's a really normal way of thinking. Okay, I know that I'm crazy. I know that I'm crazy. But people have to think like me too. I can't be the only one that thinks like this. Well, I think a lot of dudes, I think it's pretty well known and accepted that a lot of guys avoid

men more than women avoid doctors and doctor's appointments. That's why a lot of guys, by the time they have something that's just completely destroying their body, it's like way too late, you know? Cause like they don't, they don't get, but you get physicals. Don't you get physicals? I get physicals every six months. That's more than most people.

Yeah, but it's just a cardiologist, really. But he does full blood panel and then sonograms all my organs. Every six months? Yeah, every six months. I stress about it. Is your health good? Yeah. The last one was the best. The last physical I just got, I got it probably three months ago, four months ago. It was the best shape I've ever been in.

Like, uh, every blood, everything was in the green where you like, it's like you want optimal, optimal. Everything was in the green and, uh, and I had been partying and so I was like a little nervous. I got to get blood work this week to get, you know, for my longevity shit and I'm fucking stressed cause I was partying so hard in Vegas. Yeah, that was fun though. It was a blast. Dude, Vegas was so fucking fun. You were on one when we did the, uh, the first bar we went to.

I didn't remember. I didn't know. I don't remember anything about that bar. Well, yeah. I mean, you also you didn't remember conversations we had in the parking lot leaving the podcast we did with Dana. Yeah. The conversation we had at the bar. You were you were bringing stuff up to me later. You're like, you know, we should do. And I was like, we already did that. And you're like, I was going through an emotional upheaval.

Yeah, you were going through it. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I woke up this morning in this house and there's no one there. No one. There's no reason to get out of bed.

There's nothing. It's Leanne making coffee. Leanne making coffee and I'm sitting there going, the fuck? I used to get out of bed to go see the girls, get them ready for school, say goodbye before them. I had a reason to get out of bed. This morning I was like, nope. I was like, this is... Do you know what I did last night? I got pizza for me and Leanne. I got meatballs because I'm keto. You're hardcore keto. I'm hardcore keto. And I bought three pizzas.

Just out of instinct? Yeah. You know? How many did you eat? Leanne had two pieces. So we have three whole fucking pizzas left. We have three fucking pizzas left. I didn't... And then I realized, Tom, oh, I'm buying... Like, I'm buying, like...

a psycho to buy food now you why would you ever get a jar a big jar of pickles I'll never buy a big jar of pickles again because no one's gonna fucking eat them I'm the only one that lives in that house that's gonna eat anything yeah I'm nothing like there's no reason to get a case like a 12 pack of diet coke I'm the only one that drinks diet coke like there's all of a sudden everything's changed where it's like I looked at our fridge today it's empty and then there's three pizzas

It's crazy, man. Yeah, that's got to be a weird thing to adapt to. Now, are you scheduling? Do you schedule trips to go visit them? Is that something you guys are doing? No, I don't think so. You're just going to wait until they come home for break? Yeah. I don't think my parents loved me that much when I went to college. I got real emotional dropping both girls off, cried for both girls. I don't even remember my dad going. Yeah.

Really? My buddy Jeff Hartley took a bus from Tampa to Tallahassee. His parents didn't even drop him off at the bus station. Parents didn't love kids the way they love them now. My parents took me and then, yeah, I mean, I wasn't emotional about, I was like, yeah, this is fine. Goodbye. Really? Not at all. I was not emotional at all. And no cell phone. So how often did you talk to your parents when you were in college?

We would talk... I talked more to my dad than my mom, but I mean, it wasn't like a crazy amount. Now, I remember that I brought drugs for the ride up and I was getting high on the way up. What? I was doing GHB the whole way up and then I skipped freshman orientation, which every freshman went to because I got high in my room and blacked out. And then...

Yeah, I mean, a few months later, I overdosed. So it was kind of timing makes sense. Wait, hold on, hold on. That was pretty cool. Wait, who is this Tom? How many different Toms have we had? A few, I guess. I've had one Burt. No, I haven't. Let me think. I have high school Burt.

College Burt that bled into up until I met Leanne and then three birds We've had three birds right high school Burt very serious Very serious. Yeah, like I wanted to be cool. I wanted to be like like I wasn't I wasn't that funny I was funny, but I wasn't that I was funny with my friends, but I wasn't funny wasn't like I didn't give a fuck about funny I cared about pussy

Didn't think I didn't drink at all in high school. I barely ever drank I didn't I didn't like breaking the rules. Oh, I I drank a lot in high school So what were you like in high school? I mean, I I liked I mean III I partied every weekend I smoked weed and drank every weekend I tried I drank a couple times a few times maybe maybe ten times twenty times in high school Not a lot. I think I was way more insecure as a high school kid. I was way more confident. I

I thought he was the coolest fucking guy in the world. I think that's a super insecure guy. And the guy that arrived in college was super insecure, hence skipping freshman orientation to get high. So I think that was like a certain type of person that you kind of shed some of that

Once you overdose and you're so when you overdose did you become a new Tom? Oh, definitely. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, so what was the change because like when I went to college I remember going like I'm gonna get a Grateful Dead poster. I'm gonna listen to jam band music I'm gonna try smoking weed more. I'm gonna mountain bike. I'm gonna do I wanted to be outdoorsy I wanted to rock climb but never rocks like I want and I wanted to be and that's when I became funny in college I became much more confident in college

as a, as just like a human being and like, yeah, capable. Like, you know, I can do these things. I was applying myself more. I was super lazy in high school. I had a horrible GPA. I didn't try. I mean, I didn't even try. They would, teachers would be like, you're not even trying. Like you got to go, like you have to, you know, we want you to do well. And we think you're capable, but you're not even applying yourself at all. And I was just like, whatever.

I don't give a shit. I just didn't care. You know, I didn't know how to apply myself. I think I had to learn some too. Oh, when they, when they would say take notes, I would sit there and go, so what part do I write down? Like, what do I write down? Everything you say, like what parts don't I write down? And then I just get lost and go, fuck it. I'll just pretend like I'm writing stuff down. Yeah. I never studied for a test. I don't ever remember studying for a test in college ever in my fucking life ever, never, ever fucking ever. How did you pass anything?

I would retain whatever information was set in class. Okay. But I didn't do well. I mean, like, I just got C's my whole life. You got C's in college, too? Yeah. I mean, I graduated. I kind of graduated.

That's right. You did take a long time. Yeah, it was a long time. And then I didn't, I didn't, two teachers failed me right when I was leaving. Like when I was growing, Rolling Stone was written, two teachers failed me. They were writing teachers and they were pissed because I had got an offer of a book deal and they were fucking livid because they were writing teachers. Wasn't your dad like, Hey, what the fuck with you taking this long to graduate?

No. It was cheap to go to school at Florida State. It was like 50 bucks a class. But wasn't he like, hey, you're my son, do something? No. Really? No. No. No. I don't know if we had the best relationship when I was in college. Yeah. Because I've seen you guys. You guys are close. We're really close now. Yeah. I remember one time, this is good for anyone that thinks I cry too much. I remember one time my dad and I got into a fight.

I remember this so vividly as cause he, it was back when you had calling cards and my girlfriend that was like, we were doing long distance, but she was in like Boca and I was in Tallahassee or whatever. Yeah. So I'd use calling cards to call her. I can't even remember how calling cards worked, but I remember I had a calling card and so I ran up a bill on the calling card or maybe it was when I was in Europe. It was when I was in Europe maybe. And I, and I came home after Russia, I came home and I remember being in our, in our laundry room.

My dad got the fucking bill and he was fucking livid Yeah as a kid I was like I was like what he's calling Carter has how much could it be it was like 399 a minute and I just ran up a fucking bill of like 300 bucks and My dad lost his shit, and I got scared I got scared and I started to cry and he stopped and he went oh

Don't you fucking cry. Don't you fucking suck those goddamn tears back up. If I fucking see you cry, I will lose my shit. And I was like, oh, God. Oh, God. Tom, I was 22. I was 22. Yeah. I cried at like 19 one time seeing him mad. I was so terrified where I had used his clubs to play golf. Yeah.

And I didn't put them, they were in separate bags. So then he left to play golf. Oh my God. And some of his clubs were in my bag. And when he got back, he was so fucking mad that I swear, I was like, I cried. I was so scared. And then he didn't say any of that shit, but then he looked at me like,

Yeah, you wouldn't have survived in the Marine Corps and then walked away. Parenting was so different than it is today. That was so effective. When my dad lost his shit, that was so effective. Yeah. I remember one time telling him, this is how clueless of a kid I was. I was in college, and for spring break, everyone was going to Aspen to go skiing. And I didn't have any money. I mean, I always had a job, but I didn't have any money. And so I was like...

I was like, yeah, I'm going. And I had my friend book the plane ticket for me. I was like, I'll pay you back.

And I was like, yeah, get my ski passes. I'll pay you back. So everyone had gotten like – my buddy Hutch paid for everyone and he was like, all right, you guys just cover me because Hutch had money. But he had money because he worked really hard. He was this like door-to-door encyclopedia salesman guy. It was kind of like a Mennonite but not. And so Hutch paid for everything. So I came home and I was like, yo, dad, I'm going to Aspen next week. And he was like, what? I said, for spring break. And he goes, how the fuck are you going to afford that? And I was like, oh, I –

I need you to give me like $700. And he was like, the fuck did you just say? And I was like, I need $700. He fucking in my bedroom, in my bedroom, lost his fucking shit. Do you know how hard it is to make $700 fucking dollars? And you just come in. You come into a house you don't even fucking live in anymore. And you go, give me $700. How the fuck? And he's like, you're not going. And I was like, Dad, you're not going to like this. Someone's already paid for all my shit. Yeah.

But it was so effective because when I got yelled at by my dad, it scared the shit out of me. Dude, I remember when I went to college, my sister was in Boston in college, and he gave her an allowance. Monthly, he gave her money to be in Boston. And I was like, oh, cool. Let's talk about my allowance. You know?

for college and he was like what I was like okay you know like Maria gets that allowance for Boston so like what like what am I getting he was like you don't get anything and I was like what he was like you're a guy I was like what do I do he's like get a job I was like but I'm full-time in school like your daughter and he was like yeah you're different I was like

Okay. So I had a job the entire time I was in college. Like I worked for a broker and then I got a job at Granger. And then in summers when my sisters would be laying by the pool, I was selling knives door to door. I had jobs all through college. And he was like, right, because you're a guy. You don't get it. And I was like, how about my little sister? He's like, yeah, she gets an allowance. I was like, oh, this is a cool fucking system.

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And I would take my friends shopping there and get them to give me cash. And so I just go in and Tom, I spent so much money at Amoco. They sent him a plaque. He was like, what the fuck? Dude, I remember one time. You're our P1 premium platinum Amco fucking shopper.

Jesus Christ. One time I wrote a check to someone. It was one of my buddies. And you know at the bottom of the memo part, you could write what it was for? Yeah. And I wrote, eating sweet wet pussy. Nice. And my dad...

My dad was really good friends with the bank that I, it was his bank. I had a checking account under him and that came in and the woman read it and called my dad and was like, your son in the memo, right? Right. Eaton sweet, wet, hot pussy. And I was like, that must've made him real happy. Dude.

That man deserves a fucking statue. He put up with so much shit. Do you know when I was an adult, remember my beach house we stayed at, me, you, and Charlie? Yeah. Right? My parents had a beach house in Clearwater that they owned with a couple other people and with another person, another family.

Was I was probably 30 I was probably it was actually it was the trip we took the trip We took you guys left and I stayed another couple days. Yeah, and I made a video you can find this video online of me Filming the sunset and I go you guys if you pay attention right when it crests, you'll see a green flash grow up I was like 32 Tom. I was 32 when I made this video and I

You you watch the sunset and you're waiting for it to do and as soon as it crests and right as you're about see the green Flash I cut to me in the kitchen of that Beach House in a speedo I go oh You coming up the moons coming up and I'm in a speedo showing my ass and bending over and dancing My dad called me up. He goes he goes hey Did you shoot a fucking video at the beach house, and I went yeah, and he goes yeah, I just watched that and

With like fucking 10 people in my fucking office. He goes, what the fuck is wrong with you? He's like, you're a grown up. He's like, you're a grown up. You have children. Has he seen any of your promos lately? No, he has not. No, he's not on Instagram. But I remember him being like, what the fuck? Yeah. And you're just like, I don't know, dad. It's how I make money. Now it's definitely a different generation of a guy for sure. It's so different.

Have you ever yell at your kids? Of course, I've heard you yell at your kids. Yeah. Do you remember when they fucking... What did they do? Did they color all over your fucking walls the day I was there? Ellis was doing like... He was painting shit in the... Oh, there's one from yesterday, by the way. I'll tell you about it too. But he's painting in the kitchen, like on newspaper with all these paints. Yeah. And then I'm like, I'm there alone just with the boys. And then he's gone and...

I'm like, where are you? He's like, downstairs. And I walked downstairs and he had taken his hand on the wall the whole way downstairs. So around all of it. And I'm like, what the fuck? Like, I lose my shit. And he's like, don't yell. I'm a kid. You can't talk to a kid. Like, just use a talking voice. And I'm like, why the fuck is there paint on the wall?

But yesterday, I get home. He dragged his hand down the wall like a serial killer. Like a serial killer with blood down a wall. And I go, why did you do that? Why did you do that? He goes, sometimes my brain just says to do stuff. And I'm like, yeah, okay. So that was cool. We'll just have, yeah, we'll paint the walls again. Yesterday, I get home. He goes...

I'm going to tell you something and you can't get mad and you can't punish me because I'm going to tell you. I go, that's not how this fucking works. And he's like, no, I'm telling you now that you're going to be upset, but you can't punish me. I'm like, yeah, what? This is not at all how this works. I go, well, what is it? And he's like, I was dangling a trophy over the toilet and it went in. Fuck.

and I go why would you do that he was like I don't know but it went in there and I tried to get it but it's not working so I go so we need to have the toilet again taken apart and he's like I think so I think so yeah I'm like that's great

And then I forgot that. And so like all the rest of the day, he keeps coming into my bedroom to use the bag. What are you doing? He's like, remember the toilet? I can't use that one. So I'm going to use yours. I was like, oh, right. That's right. So yeah, right. We have this agreement now that I can't. How do you keep that in that kid for the rest of his life? Like, that's my thing. It's like we lost it in Isla for a period of time. I remember it's the reason I have such confidence.

fond memories of Isla when, like, you know, when we were on vacation or, like, any time. Like, we went to Leanne's Lake House right before we took Isla to college, and we're all going to go on an epic kayak journey. And I got my paddleboard there, so I was like, cool. And Isla jumps in the water and swims over on my paddleboard. She's 18.

And I go, what are you doing? She goes, we're going to Tuzi's. I said, you can't do Tuzi's on a paddleboard. And she goes, yeah, you can. Big guy. We got this. And she just wanted to knock me off the paddleboard the whole time. And it was this, every time I stand up, she'd go, whoa, whoa. And it was making her laugh and it was making me laugh. And that is the little kid in her. And I love that. But how do you maintain that little kid in that? Like, how do you always keep Ellis to be Ellis forever?

And not get jaded by fucking high school kids who are like, you know what I mean? I don't know, man. I think you encourage it and you embrace it and you let them know that you love it when they are the way they are. I don't know if you can do much more than that because there's a natural turn that we all make, right? Like at a certain age, you kind of... But it's nice that whoever you are at home,

I think you can be that. Like, I'm still a kid around my mom, you know? I still just try to upset her. And, you know, I belch at the table and I do, I just, I try to horrify her because it made me laugh when I was seven and it still does at 45, you know? Yeah. I think now that we're talking about this, I think there was four Burt's. There was the Burt, I was the Burt that at age,

in like first grade only wore Speedos and knee-high moccasins and would only respond to the name Wild Boy. Wild Boy? Yeah, I remember the day that died. I remember the day it died and I was like, yo, I'm the only one wearing Speedos and knee-high moccasins. Like I got to kind of conform a little bit. Like I feel odd. My dad had already seen it. He'd always say like we go to the mall and he'd be like,

You want to put on some clothes? And I'm like, no, this is what I wear. Yeah. And he was like, let's go. And I was like, it's Wild Boy. And he was like, can we... And I tried to change my name so many times. I remember the first time I tried to change my name, I changed it to Flash. And he was like, he was like, hey, come on, we're having dinner. We had fucking cordon bleu every fucking night. I don't know. My dad got a deal on cordon bleus.

And we had cordon, I can't, I cannot stand cordon bleu to this day because he got a deal on cordon bleus. We had a freezer full of cordon bleus. And he goes, he goes, come on, it's time for dinner. And I was like, it's Flash. And he goes, oh, you changed the name to Flash? And I was like, don't say it like that. You make it sound stupid. And he's like, oh, do I? Flash? Hey, Flash. And I was like, can you not say it? Let's keep Burt until you figure out how you can say Flash right.

But then that kid died. That kid, that really fun first grade playing second base, caught a fly ball. Fly ball, bases loaded, caught a fly ball. Crowd, I'm playing for the Yankees. Teddy Church is standing next to me. I mean, I so vividly remember this. Denny Sullivan's our coach. I catch the fly ball. I then take the fly ball. I spike it into the ground. I take my shirt off and I start dancing. And I got in the car with my dad and he was like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

And I was like, I was celebrating. And he was like, everyone scored. You lost the game. I was like, oh, I didn't know. I didn't pay attention to that. I was like, did the dance look good? And he was like, there's a thing about humility. You can just catch the ball and then just like, you don't have to do a victory dance. And I was like, yeah, but.

The victory dance is the reason I'm here. I'm not here for the catching the ball. I want the victory dance. Hey, by the way, you definitely haven't lost that. That's still part of who you are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I've gotten more of my childhood back the older I've gotten. That's good. I think that's fun. Yeah.

Dude, I fucked up. You had to leave in Vegas, and we went by Best Friends, and we did another bar takeover, which those bar takeovers are fun as fucking shit. They're super fun. They are so fun, and I was on one there, and I almost got kicked out. I was so fucking hard.

of our own bar takeover. I was going, I was going onto the casino floor, uh, barking and just bringing people in. Who wants better sex and who wants to start having better sex

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Tommy, there was a table full of... Oh my God, we got to talk about Leanne and magic. Oh my God. Oh my God. Anyway, there was a table full of black women eating dinner and I was barking to them and they came in and got a bunch of poro sauce and sodas and just left and went back to dinner. And they're like... And then they came back for their second round. That's hilarious. All right, let's talk about magic. Oh my God. So...

I do a show at the Dolby at Park MGM. Beautiful theater. And definitely the most state-of-the-art setup that exists. I mean, that's where like Bruno Mars plays and Mariah Carey and like huge, huge acts. So their tech is like out of this world, man. So...

finished the show and earlier in the day we had walked through the mall attached to the art the crystal shops we're walking through and there was a guy that one of the sales people at one of the stores was like oh do you know him and I was like I don't know him no and he was like I'm a big fan and he didn't tell me who he was he was just like I'm a big fan I was like and they're like oh no he's famous and then he just left and they didn't tell and it was just kind of like oh okay yeah I don't know who he is but nice and

So then after the show, we do a bar takeover at the Park MGM at the Sportsbook Bar. And we're pouring drinks and people are all over the place. And then I see the guy and he's dressed really nice.

And that's when I go, oh, hey, I saw you at the store. He goes, oh, yeah, I didn't have a chance to tell you because I didn't want to disturb you or anything. But yeah, I'm a magician. And then somebody else goes, he's not just like a magician. This dude is like a world class up close magician. And he has shows in Vegas. And they're like, yeah, they sold out for like six months. Like he's top, top tier.

Do you remember his name? I don't remember his name. I'll have his name. I'm sure I can find it. But I go, oh, that's cool. And then, you know, he's just very nice. And we just, you know, kind of say hello. And then a moment later, Sean, who I work with, goes, hey, do you want to see that guy do like magic, like up for you right now up close? And I go, sure. Like we're in this like –

kind of sectioned off area of this place. And I go, yeah. I mean, if, if does he want to, I didn't want to like ask him to do that. And they're like, no, he, he said he would. And we're like, oh, okay. So he, he's like, come down here. We sit down on a couch like this. And he's, I go, you know, he's like, yeah, you know, a couple other people join us. And then somebody grabs you and you go, we gotta, we gotta go get Leanne. She has to see Leanne.

You don't understand how she is around magic. And I think you're just doing your typical Bert stuff of like, oh, I'm like, yeah, okay. Dude, this guy starts doing card tricks, right? And he's doing that shit where you're like,

What the fuck, right? Where it's like, hey, write your name down in marker on this card. And then he shuffles a bunch of stuff. You can't find it. And he's like, have you looked under your hat? And then it's under... You're like, what the fuck is going... Right? Like that. Yeah. And when Leanne gets there...

She writes something down on the marker with a marker on the card. He starts doing that and she's like, yeah, but what's under your sleeve? And he's like, what? No, stop right there. Stop right there. I want to see the card. Flip them over all over. I want to see all those cards again. Show me that. And we're like, what are you doing? She's like, well, it's a trick. He's just doing a trick. We're like, yeah, he's not an actual wizard. He's...

He's a fucking illusionist. This is all illusion. She's like, well, I got some theories about this. And we're like, Tom goes that we didn't think he was actually magically. Did you think we were a bunch of peasants? Oh,

I've got to re-question everything in my life. This guy's magic. I don't think he's summoning spirits. He's just a talented illusionist. And she's like, well, I don't know about any of this. I got some theories. And we're like, what the fuck? She said to you, she goes, Tommy, it's called a magic trick. It's a trick. I know it's a trick. No shit, Leanne. And then he does this fucking thing where, oh my God, it was like her car or someone signed a card.

And then he does his whole thing, and he's like, well, Tom, maybe you could check under your watch? Yeah. And then I had a watch on, and a card was under my watch that I unfolded, and it was the sign. And I was just like, this is incredible. And Leanne's like, I guess that's pretty good. You know what she does? She goes, she goes.

He must have put it there earlier. Well, yeah, of course. Like, no shit, Leanne. But we didn't see that. We didn't notice. No one saw that. Yeah. And then I put something together, obviously, later on, which was he obviously had done that. And he kept going, all right, Tom, hold your hands out like this, like palms up. And it was obviously to keep me from noticing that. But at the time, you're just like, oh, okay. So I'm like holding my hands. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. This way, right? And you put it together later. But yeah, he was fantastic. But Leanne was like... They had pulled someone from Papua New Guinea out of the fucking... out of the village and was like, here is a man from the cave that will now heal all of you. She was like, I don't know about any of this shit and I don't like it. I don't like spirits and summons. She was...

out of control with this. I was almost shocked that she ever believed in religion, ever. The way she's trying to, she was so analytical about it. And I was like, honey. And then even the next day we're at Lee's Liquors and we're talking about this. She goes, yeah, I ain't fooling, falling for no trick. And we're like, it's not a display of your intelligence if you like magic. Yeah, it's fun. It's entertainment. It's just entertainment. She goes, not for me.

I mean, you should take her to the opposite. How does she respond at the movies? Does she go, well, there's fucking lights and cameras there. I don't know if any of this is really happening. No, she, she tells you exactly. She goes, well, he's dead. He's been dead this whole time. And you're like, wait, what? And you're like, yeah, he got shot by the guy at the beginning of the movie. That's it. He's been dead. That's why, look, they ain't talking. And you're like, Hey, I was enjoying this. You kind of just ruined this.

She goes, why? I'm not going to sit. I can't watch this shit. Somebody must have done a trick on her when she was younger, and it just fucking really stuck with her, man. It is. Yeah, she, man, she was so. And then, you know, me and him and Leanne went out that night. Oh, he did? Oh, yeah, we went out partying, and she was like, and she would not let it go. He's like, you know, you should come to my show tomorrow. She goes, I don't want to see you.

And I was like, what are you doing? She's like, you want to do more tricks? And he's like, I like when guys like you, when people like you come to my show. And she goes, I ain't sitting through that. She goes, why don't you go make a drink appear for us? I mean, she was like, and I was like, why aren't you just a little nicer to him? She's like, he thinks he's magic. He ain't.

I would love to go to an actual full show with her, like to sit down and watch her for that whole show. A hundred fucking percent. And that would be great if he made her disappear. He was like, you know what? Enough of you. And then she was like, wait, what happened? Uh-huh. So the whole time, at any reveal...

of the illusion, she immediately is like, well, you must have done that when we weren't looking. And it's like, yeah, that's the fucking trick. That's the trick, Leigh-Anne. That's the entire trick. You didn't notice. That's the trick. It makes me uncomfortable. Like, it makes me uncomfortable. Oh, I got uncomfortable with the way she was reacting to it in the moment. I was horribly uncomfortable. I was like, this is borderline rude. Okay.

She does that with everything. She's like a bullshit radar gun where if someone's telling a story, mostly it's me, and I fudge the details a little bit. She goes, that didn't happen. I go, stop. I'm making it entertaining. We're having a boring night at your fucking friend's house, and I'm telling a good story. I'm just making it a little better. She goes, yeah, but it wasn't $20. It was $19. Let's get the facts right. And you're like, you know, it's like the...

You know the Whitney Houston story? The Whitney Houston story? When Georgia broke her teeth? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. So...

There's two ways to tell a story. You can do you can wait for the reveal to be at the end right where this I've got a great story It's a true story, but it's wildly interesting George breaks her teeth. We have taken her high-end dentist They have to put her under if you've if you've never heard the story. I apologize I'm not gonna tell the whole story, but well I started crying we go into the waiting room. There's this black chick She's staring at me the whole time trying to calm me down, but I'm not having it We go back to receive, Georgia going to the back

Black chick comes in, walks into our room, kind of odd, and it turns out it's Whitney Houston. But it's a good story when you tell it. When you take your time with it, it's a great fucking story. Because the reveal is the black chick was Whitney Houston, right? That's the reveal. And it's a true story. She sat with us for like five minutes with me and Leanne and George, and we talked about being parents. And it was beautiful. And then she paid for the anesthesia that we didn't have money to afford that shit. It's a great story. This is how Leanne tells the story. The black chick's Whitney Houston.

She goes, well, I'm not right. Right. When you start it right at the beginning, right when I go. And then we walk into the, in the waiting room and there's this black chick and she goes, it's Whitney Houston. I go, stop. No, you're, you're giving the reveal away. And she goes, but I wasn't stupid. I knew it was Whitney Houston. I go, no. Okay. Does it matter? Cause I'm telling the story and I didn't know it was Whitney Houston. Okay. I didn't know it was Whitney Houston. She goes, how, how could you not know? It's why I go, you're ruining the fucking story.

The story is the payoff. That's the fun part of the story is the fucking moment, the ta-da moment at the end. She goes, yeah, but we was in a waiting room with her. She had her bodyguard with her. How did you not? And I'm like, can... Well, you realize that one of you tells stories for a living, right? Yes. Okay, so. Oh my God. And now it's just me and her, Tom.

Yeah. No kids. Right. Just me and the truth. Why don't you just start doing unannounced visits to both girls? Oh, they would love that. Just show up. Bring treats. I texted Isla this morning. I said, hey, how are you liking school? She said, right back, I'm on my period. I was like, cool. The fuck?

Yeah. Georgia just said for the first time I'm allowed to wear her college's clothes.

It's a high-risk because the girl both the girls don't want anyone to know where they go to school So they want their privacy you'd be shocked how much people care about fucking anonymity and and being just regular people Oh, so no people don't know people. I mean, I'm sure people you know how the internet is But for the most part I've never really talked about it. I've told everyone George goes to Yale So everyone thinks she does I told everyone I was going to Harvard - clearly not and But I but I've never been allowed to work

to wear Georgia's college gear. And then we went to drop off Isla, and she could see that I was very bummed that I couldn't buy any of the stuff. Because as a dad, that's like the coolest fucking thing. It's like my dad didn't go to Florida State, but when I went to Florida State, my dad rocked Florida State gear all the time. He called me about the games.

And it was like, and he was just, you're proud of your kid. I'm really proud of them. And I want to rock sweatshirts. And I love, I mean, one of my favorite things when we're on tour at those arenas is to get the workout shorts, those mesh workout shorts. I love those workout shorts, those basketball. And Georgia saw how bummed I was that Isla wasn't letting me buy any of the gear. She didn't want me to have any of the gear so that if I ever take a picture of someone and they see it, they're like, oh, that's where this kid goes to school.

Then Georgia came up to me. She goes hey. I'm sorry. I never let you wear our gear. I was like it's okay I was like it's important to you. It's important to me She was you can start wearing our gear, and I was like for real She goes yeah, but just wear a lot of college gear like what like yeah, I know you're a college. Yeah, like rotate it. Don't yeah Like fucking Notre Dame shit so cool Yeah, that's cool

Do you know, can I tell you something wild? I just found out that Matt Rife's, I don't know the right way to say it, but he had like a breakdown, you know, where he had to be like, he had to stop his tours to hospitalize. Did you know it was from insomnia?

I know he told me he doesn't sleep very much at all, and then he was touring real crazy, so an exhaustion type of thing, it makes sense. He sleeps like three or four hours a night every night. What the fuck? I don't know. That sounds horrible. Absolutely horrible. And he doesn't party. He's not doing drugs. So it's just real insomnia. I guess so. For me, it's like the baseline of whether I'm going to have a good day

is just all about sleep. So I can't imagine operating regularly on three and four hours sleep. I just can't imagine it. - So is insomnia, and I apologize to anyone who has insomnia who's listening, 'cause people get really personal about their things. - Yeah, yeah. - And so I'm sorry that I don't know anything about it, but is it anxiety?

Like, is it? Well, I mean, there's different things that cause insomnia and people have dealt with it differently. But overall, it's just this kind of inability to naturally fall asleep. Is it like erectile dysfunction where it's like you get in your head about it and then you can't get your dick hard because you're in your head about it? I think that's a pretty good analogy. Yeah, I mean, they just can't fall asleep. Some people like...

just try everything and black out the room and sleep mass and meditate and obviously medication but some people just really struggle with it some people it's way more um uh mental and emotional and some people have like chemical um irregularities in their in their mind that that cause it but i don't know what what the cause the root cause of his is

That's wild. Yeah, I listened to – I saw him. He came up – it's amazing what comes up on your – like not on Instagram search, the Discovery page, but on YouTube. Yeah.

That fucking blows me away what YouTube selects for me. Yeah, because I had to change my algorithm entirely so that I wouldn't have I didn't want comedy in there Yeah, I just didn't I don't I wanted to learn stuff and I wanted to tell I want to talk to you about the history podcast But what's crazy is like I came up in the matter It was a Matt Reif interview and I was gonna flip through it cuz I don't like watching comedy interviews on on YouTube but it was like they talked about his insomnia and then he fucking lives in Rhode Island and

Matt does? He lives in fucking Rhode Island. Really? Yeah. He doesn't live in LA. Doesn't live in Austin. He lives in Rhode Island. He has a place in LA and a place in Austin. I'm sure he's got places everywhere, but his home is Rhode Island. I had no idea. Isn't that fucking wild? No idea. Yeah. All right. So let's talk about this. I think I've stopped listening to history podcasts.

Yeah, I mean, you keep bringing up every time I see you and talk to you that you are consumed by thoughts about death.

You wake up thinking about death and you go to bed, but you also took it further and said that what you really think about is that you don't want the world to continue after you die and that you would gladly push a button that ended the world if you knew you were about to die, which is a really cool thing. But so like did you wake up today thinking about death? Oh, so bad.

So bad. I'm listening to a podcast about the Northwest Passage to Asia from England. And it's everyone that tried to get – they tried to get basically through like above Canada and then above –

through the Arctic Circle to get to Asia. They were looking for a shorter route to Asia, but just everyone fucking died. I mean, these one dudes ate undercooked polar bear and they all got trichinosis and their teeth fell out and their stomach, their loins hurt. And then everyone just, everyone died. And then they were cannibals. And it's like, and every story you hear, every story you hear, they're like, and then he died, you know? And then he died. You listen to, who's,

Who's the guy that married Pocahontas? Not James Madison. Is it...

No. Is it John Smith? But they talked about the whole establishment of Jamestown and everyone just died. And then no one ever lives. No one ever lives. And so I think I'm hearing that so much that I just get consumed, consumed with death. And then, and I was like, but I don't have anything fun to listen to. Like I can't listen to a comedy podcast to fall asleep because if it's good, I get involved in it. And if it's bad, it frustrates me. So do you watch, do you like true crime stuff though? Or no?

Um, no, not if there's murder in it. You don't think I can't, I can't even watch. There's a new movie called it's on Netflix. It's called, uh, something like renegade Hill or something. And I can't even watch those cause they make me nervous. So I end up fast forwarding through it cause it makes me nervous cause it's about this guy who gets fucked with by the cops and then he goes and takes on the cops and

And it's like Black Rambo is what it is. It really is Black Rambo. And I can't watch it. It makes me nervous. I have nothing that relaxes me to watch. You got to find something. You got to find something. Maybe reading will do it. Would you read? Never mind. Do you...

Yeah, but what about... Because Christina always comments to me, she's like, Jesus, you fucking go to bed every night watching some type of killing. So I'm either watching true crime, biography stuff about some horrific crime, or I'm watching scripted thrillers, murder mysteries, things like that. And I'm like, yeah, but I don't want to watch a rom-com. I don't want to watch a comedy. Most of them are...

there's exceptions that are good but like most of the time that stuff is like more stimulating to the mind to watch so but she's like flabbergasted by it she watches like

period pieces only like you know British royalty all that type of stuff but maybe that would do maybe you would enjoy that because it's kind of history and it's less death involved you know like the crown did you ever watch that I watched the crown that was fucking awesome so there's but there's a bunch of like I like foreign language cooking shows if that does it for you then why don't you just but I can't fall asleep to them because I I want to see them like I used to I tell you what I love you know what I'd love I would love I would love

a Spanish-speaking podcast, I bet. Because I...

When we were getting our, when we lived back in the smaller house. Do you have acid reflux today? No, I don't know what's going on with me. I'm just coughing a lot. Yeah. No, but you're clearing. You're not just coughing. You're like, you don't have something going on? No. No? Why do you notice stuff like that? I mean, it's just, you've done it a lot. And you also mentioned when we were in Vegas that after you got back to your room, after getting absolutely hammered, that you ate a dozen donuts. So I was just wondering if that carried on to this week.

Are we telling all our secrets? I didn't know that was a secret, hardcore keto guy. I just thought that maybe something is coming up. No. I couldn't. The day I dropped off Isla, the last day, the last day we're catching our flight to Vegas, and I get a text at 6 in the morning, and it says, will you get me donuts? And I started fucking bawling. I was bawling. And I was like...

I was like, it's like, this is my last duty as a dad. Like, this is the, this is like my swan song is like, I always got the girls donuts and I was, and I got up, I was like, got out of bed and I was like, let's go get fucking donuts. And I was like, and I was crying the whole ride to get donuts. And then I bought, I bought four dozen donuts. Oh my God. Cause I couldn't, first of all, this fucking dumb who I know we're not allowed to say, but, uh, but,

I go, can I get a dozen donuts? And she goes, sure. And she gives me a dozen of the exact same strawberry sprinkled donuts. And I go, well, no, can I get like an assortment? She goes, what's an assortment? I go, you work at Dunkin' Donuts. How do you not know the word assortment yet? And I go, different donuts? And she goes, oh, you don't like these? And I go, no, those are great.

They're great. You mix it up. I said, can I get another dozen donuts? And can this time, can you throw like different ones in there? And she starts with the strawberry sprinkles and I go, okay, cool. We've covered the strawberry sprinkles. So then now I barely have an assortment. So I go, can I get another dozen donuts? And then give me everything you haven't given me yet. Do you know what she does, Tom? I swear to God, she goes to the first box and starts moving strawberry sprinkles into the new box. I'm like, are you trying to move strawberry sprinkles or something? Like what is the strawberry sprinkle thing?

And then... And so I had to get four dozen because she never even gave me an assortment. So you brought home four dozen donuts. Isla was like, Dad, I can't take these into the dorm. She's like, I'm going to look like a fucking lunatic. They're going to think I have an eating disorder. I was like, I don't know anyone there. And I'm walking down the hall with four dozen donuts and a fucking tub of coffee. And I was like, make friends. I was like, go door to door and just give girls donuts. And she was like, Dad, I...

And she was so frustrated with me. But I cried the whole time getting donuts. So then we got to Vegas at the Park MGM. And the fucking Park MGM is so fucking great. Do you know what they did, Tom? They took pictures all in their rooms, pictures of Vegas or whatever, or Frank Sinatra. They changed them out with pictures of my family, of me and the girls. They put pictures of me and the girls in every frame. Wow. And then they gave me a dozen donuts. Wow.

And I got hammered with you. And I came in and I saw the pictures and I saw the donuts. And I was like, fucking donuts, man. And I fucking worked a dozen donuts crying. Wow. Wow. But I am keto, so I only ate the tops. Yeah. That's how keto works. That's good. Yeah. You should run that by a nutritionist.

I just ate the tops of the icing. It's less calories. Yeah, totally less. You're fine. I remember when we were doing the fat shaming thing. I remember one time I was –

I was in Chicago O'Hare, and I went to McDonald's. And it was right when I was getting fat shamed the most. Yeah. And I went to McDonald's, and my order was like, I think it's usually eight cheeseburgers, Big Mac, and a large fry. That's your regular order? It was back then. But what I'd do is I'd taco the cheeseburgers. So I'd take the bottom bun off, all the businesses on the top bun, the cheese, the pickles, the ketchup, and I'd taco them.

I'm tacoing eight cheeseburgers, but people are looking at me. So I'm drunk. I got a backpack on, and I got fucking eight cheeseburgers. I'm standing. So I went over to an old phone booth. It used to be a phone booth. And I hid. I put my face like I was making a phone call, and I just ate in privacy in this old phone booth. And as I turn around, there's a fan there, and he goes, wow. Wow.

This is how this happens. Holy shit. Yeah, man. Yeah, it's funny because if you eat in private, then it doesn't count. You know what I mean? If nobody sees you, what you're eating, and then it doesn't really count that you ate it. Well, it's all in your head anyway. Like I feel if I work out, I feel skinny. If I don't work out, I feel fat.

When I was at my fattest after a workout, I'd feel skinny as shit. And I'd be like, but if I don't work out at all, I feel fat. And have you ever woken up and you eat like shit before you go to bed? You wake up and you go, I feel like shit. But if you get so drunk, you don't remember eating at night. You wake up going, I didn't eat last night. I feel fucking good. Yeah. And then if you, if you eat a Xanax,

Then you sleep longer and then you wake up skinny. You haven't eaten. Dude, that is the fucking move. That's the best way to jumpstart a diet is Xanax and Ambien. If you can tic-tac those, start it on a Saturday night. Don't go out Saturday night. Take a Xanax at 4 p.m., have a cocktail with it, go to bed, wake up Sunday morning. First thing you do, take an Ambien, go right back to bed, sleep all day long. That evening when you wake up, open a bottle of wine, get a vodka soda,

Have a couple cocktails all that's gonna kick back in your system You wake up Monday morning in a 5,000 calorie deficit skinny as fuck and that's how you start a diet Yeah, you jump start a diet. That's all about the jump starts the important part. How's your diet now? Is it good? I haven't eaten today. That's good Yeah, but I'm I eat meatballs and burrata cheese last night. Okay, um

Ate really good at best friends. I just had steak. I've stay away from I do stay away from bread primarily and pasta and rice Okay, and I just try to eat lean but like I had fucking I eat an avocado a day I don't know if that's good enough, but I eat an avocado a day. It's not about cars. That's good, but I mean a lot of red meat Okay, I don't know do you like getting the fish? I'll eat rotisserie chicken. Okay. I get I don't like seafood you like fish or no

Do it's just it's hard. It's like I eat a lot of out and so I don't trust a lot of fish out And if I go to a steakhouse, I want a ribeye. I don't want salmon Salmon yeah, I don't really eat a lot of fish now that you say that I can't eat sushi cuz it's rice I swear to God if I have a cut like I went to I was telling you this one to fill at least Yamakusi whatever it's called

Sushi by scratch? No, no. Oh, you had omakase. Yeah, yeah. And it wasn't even that. It was like 15 pieces of sushi. But I left and my stomach felt like it was huge. I actually, my belt was tight when I left. They have a good, well, the thing is they have a pacing to it. So in the pacing, your digestion is kind of keeping up a little bit. It's a little more realistic what your capacity is because they're not like, here's all at once. It's like peace. Yeah.

a couple of minutes, you know, a minute or two piece. And so you eat often. Yeah. I'm eating. Um, let me see. I'm eating probably one, two, three, four, five, six, six times a day, six, six, seven times a day. Yeah. Yeah. I got up this morning and I was like, I'm not fucking eating your fat fuck. You don't deserve food. Good. That's a good way to talk to yourself. Yeah. I, dude, I, I talked to myself like I really hate, hate me.

I am burping a lot now that you say that. Yeah. I talk to myself like I fucking hate me sometimes, especially if I was drinking the night before and I wake up going, you fucking, you're such a stupid fuck. Did you drink a lot last night? Yeah. Yeah.

we went wake surfing. Yeah. Remember I told you I was going wake surfing with Austin Keene? It was fucking so fun. But then we're wake surfing, I'm feeling healthy, and then they throw me a beer on the wakeboard, and then I kill it, and I fell. I killed it, but then I fell at the end. So I ended up killing three beers doing wake surfing

And then the gloves were off. We were flying home. I was like cocktails on the plane and then came home. Cocktails land, open a bottle of white wine. When we got home, I was like cocktails and then passed out watching Wyatt Earp documentary and woke up in the middle of night. And I was like, I could fuck up meatballs. And I was like, it was like midnight. I was like, no, I'll take my cholesterol medicine and go back to sleep.

And so then I listened to the Northwest passage. Okay. This is a fucking crazy person story that you just told. But then I woke up, then I woke up and I was like, I was like, you fucking piece of shit. Yeah. And I was like, I was like. All this is connected. You know that, right? Like.

If you don't have the first half of the story, you don't wake up going, you fucking piece of shit. Like, just, you know. You're going to die and no one's going to fucking remember you. Yeah. No one gives a fuck. I think it's time for a little reset. Maybe a little, you know. I decided to quit drinking today. Oh. Yeah. For how long? I don't know. Definitely until Thursday. That's a long time. Yeah. Well, yeah.

No, it's Wednesday, I think, right now. Or Tuesday. It's Tuesday right now. I ran four miles. Yeah. I ran four miles this morning. Good. Like, real nice. And still no food. No food. Cup of coffee, no food. Diet Mountain Dew. I've had two waters. Yeah. I water picked my teeth real good until they bled this morning. Dude. I just love, I just, I just hate me sometimes. Fucking A, man.

You're a fucking lunatic. So I don't know. Maybe I'll have something to eat today. I bet they've got food downstairs. That's a good idea. I think you should eat something today. Okay, what are you going to eat? What are you going to eat? Let me guess. A piece of chicken.

i have i have it with me what do you have what do you have i have a chicken breast i have um a little medley of vegetables greens mixed in there some avocado i'm just gonna i'm gonna i ate some i'm gonna have some more oh it's also got some sliced um uh pear in it so there's like some fruit in there too i can't do that i can't do fruit

And then I'm going to have a little bit of almond butter and another banana like in about an hour. And then, yeah. And then dinner, I'll probably have like sea bass and some greens, but I'll have like, I'll have a pound of sea bass. Really? Yeah. Sea bass is so good. Do you make it yourself? I love it. Yeah. Yeah. How do you do it in the oven?

Yeah, sometimes. I mix it up. Sometimes in the oven. You could do it on a grill. You can do it in a pan. I use sometimes olive oil. I like it simple too. Salt and pepper. Salt and pepper. Salt and pepper. Oh, I'm going to have fucking sea bass today. I'm going to go buy a sea bass. That's good for you. I'm going to go buy a sea bass. I'm going to make a sea bass. That's what I'll do. Eat a ton of it. You can handle it. It's good for you. I will. I'm going to fucking fuck up sea bass. There you go. How much water are you drinking in a day?

Well, I try to drink at least four liters, but I'm definitely behind today. Four liters. All right. I had five of these in the middle of the night last night. In the middle of the night? Yeah, when I got up and I was like, I'm just going to murder fucking water. So I just drank five of these. That's two and a half liters in the middle of the night. How many liters do you drink? I try to drink four to five a day, but not in the middle of the night. Okay. What's going on here?

Okay. Then I'm done. That's half a liter. That's good. That's it? Yeah. That's half a liter right there. I thought that was like a liter. It's literally almost exactly half a one. 16.9 ounces? 19 ounces. 16.9. I have the same one. They're not different. No, they're different. This is 16.9. You just don't have your glasses on. Okay.

I'm going to go eat. I'm going to go pee. I love you. I love you too. It was great spending time with you in Vegas. When is our next party? Well, we already did Orlando. Motherfucker. Orlando was fun. Yeah, it was a good time. We'll announce another one soon though. I think we're going to announce a very fun one for December. I know it's the one you're talking about. I think it's going to be very fun. That'll be pretty crazy. We'll have to get you like

and ready so that you can be full Bert on that. Let's get you some more water. Yeah. I'm going to water up today. Okay. Good. Good. All right. Seabass and water. I love you, Tommy. I love you, too. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.