The Wildest Take On Soda w/ Stavros Halkias | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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100%. I like the loose vibe. Loose vibe's fun. Nice and loose, baby. This is, you've been to your mom's house, right? Yes, I have. And this is Tom's, for a team's first time being here from your mom's house. And I go, this, our different offices kind of says a lot about who we are. Yeah. Tom's is like an abortion clinic. And mine's where you make the baby. Yeah.

It is a warmer feel. It is definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, this is just a house. It's a home. It smells like baked goods downstairs. There was a pantry. I literally just was snacking for 20 minutes. I had a nice A&W Zero Sugar Root Beer. Those are the best. Which you put me on to, Bert. They're the best. Truly the best thing you've ever done for me. And you've done some nice stuff. This is the best. Introduce me to this.

Crush is fully loaded. This is the amount of joy I've gotten from Zero Sugar A&W Root Beers. I think it's the best Zero Sugar soda I've found. Without question. Without a doubt. Because I think Coke Zero sucks. I hate Coke Zero. You just make do with most diet sodas. It's just like...

I want a soda. Dr. Pepper's taking some big swings. Dr. Pepper's got their zero sugar cream soda, cherry soda. It's pretty good. Diet Dr. Pepper, sometimes you're like, yeah, that hits pretty good. That's not bad. Diet Dr. Pepper is a good afternoon on the lake soda with ice. There's no other question I take more insulting than when somebody goes, how about a Diet Pepsi?

How about you fucking stand in traffic? Hold on. Spit in my eye instead. So wait.

You just got to change the way you take in the Diet Pepsi. You got to change your perspective. I don't know about this. I'm very skeptical about this. I'm glad you're voicing my inner thoughts. Hold on. I'm here to stand up for Diet Pepsi. Okay. Jesus Christ. Cross the board. Pepsi products are NW Root Beer. Oh, really? Yeah. Pull up the Pepsi products. NW Root Beer. Let's get into sodas, fellas. Mountain Dew is a Pepsi product. All right. Mountain Dew fucking kills it.

Mountain Dews kill it. Are you... Hungover. Hungover on vacation. Before a coffee, you kill a Mountain Dew. Then the coffee even hits harder. You're being... This is the most Florida trash you've ever sounded in your life. Yeah, this is very trashy. This is... A Mountain Dew is a morning beverage? That's what you're trying to fucking sell right now? By the way, I thought you were going to say Pepsi products. I thought you were going to say R for black people. Because...

They... You know that that's a thing, right? I haven't found that. No, is that true? In the Pepsi Coke competition. Like, black people, by and large, prefer Pepsi. Oh, see, look at this. You're fucking... You're wrong. It's mug, and mug sucks my dick. Okay. A&W is the good root beer. Dr. Pepper. You're taking some hits here, brother. I am taking some hits. Dr. Pepper's good. Mountain Dew's good. If you tell me Mountain Dew's not on the list, I'm going to fucking... It's there. It's there. Yeah, it's...

You can tell by... But what are you, a fucking gay? Are you like a Twitch streamer? No. Are you a 14-year-old half-Asian kid with a raccoon butt plug in his ass? Will you please Google... I'm playing Minecraft. Will you please Google, do black people like Pepsi more than Coke? I've never... I went to Baltimore City Public Schools and I had never clocked this, so I've never... I didn't know about this. Yeah. Black people only sell Coke. They love Pepsi.

I'll give you one. I'll give you a courtesy chuckle. Tom's in the zone right now. I'm all you got, Bert. A brief history of racist soft drinks. I don't know that this is how we need to open up. Click right in. I don't know that this is what...

I love they have an ad for diversity in here. Keep going. Good signs demands diversity. Every time I've hung out with black dudes and soda comes up. Pepsi. Pepsi. Always. Hold on. Let's call the blackest man in America. Who's that? Donnell Rollins. Oh, yeah. That's interesting. Donnell Rollins. He can speak for the streets. That's what he says. Yeah. I guess I'm thinking about, again, going to school.

There was a lot of raspberry iced tea floating around. That was a big one. But that's what it was just what the cafeteria had. So it wasn't a choice thing. And then, you know, Mountain Dew. I'm putting a lot of chips on this right now. Yeah. I'm kind of just going. Yeah. Donnell. What's up? Perfect. I'm doing a podcast with Stobby and Tom. I just want some vodka, man. You got vodka?

Oh, you like that vodka, don't you? Speaking of beverages. I tried to get him to do it. He said, nope. I said, nope, like Diddy. What's up, Donnell? What's going on? What up, son? Hey, man. I got a question. We got a question for you.

And you're speaking for all of black America right now. As I always do. I know. Okay. Am I right in the assumption I made? You can't say the N-word, Tom. No, no. I know. Come on. He's sort of Hispanic. Whenever I see a white man sit the way you sit, they want to use the N-word. Okay. Okay. We'll shift it to this.

For the most part, do black dudes prefer Pepsi over Coke?

Pepsi. Wow. Wow. Told you. There's a book called the Pepsi challenge. And back in like the late forties, when Coca-Cola and Pepsi, they was the top dogs, right? Coca-Cola was murdering Pepsi and Pepsi wanted to get more of the black community. I know this is sound crazy. So what they did was they, they, they had the same price as Coke, but they doubled the ounces. Like when Coke was given away 10 ounces, uh,

When Coke was giving away 10 ounces, Pepsi would give away 20 ounces. And Pepsi Cola was the first big corporation to put black families in a professional setting with the marketing. When you saw a brand being represented, it was like, answer mama this, but it was the first one to show black people. So do you prefer Pepsi? Do you prefer Pepsi?

No, because I date white women, so I had to go to Pepsi. No, but historically, historically, the reason why... This is fucking wild. I mean, okay, plus the sugar, but the reason why is because Pepsi was one of the first companies to show black people the good life. That's awesome. Thank you for filling us in, Jono. Did you guys plan this? Any other African-Americans

This motherfucker had like a... He cited his sources. I know, it was incredible. I've also heard that in blind taste tests, you know, where you just have a little sample. Both blind people love Pepsi. That Pepsi always wins

blind taste test because it is a sweeter drink. The Pepsi Challenge. I don't know about the book that Donnell's talking about, but I remember that was the craze when I was 13. You'd eat an oyster cracker, drink some soda. We were doing the Pepsi Challenge for fun at home. When you were a kid, Coke took a big hit because they went to Clear Coke. I remember hearing about that as a soda historian. They knew Coke. They fucked it up. This is why they came with the

the name classic it was too classic it was to tell people hey that bullshit we did sorry yeah this is what you were used to well that is true i mean that there is something the nostalgia anytime you're doing nostalgia american nostalgia it does feel racist so you know what i mean like it makes sense why black people be like the new one the one michael jackson drank with a sparkly glove we want that we don't want coca-cola classic that script

That font is like from before segregation. Yeah, yeah. Like when you use a typeface that a guy, you know what I mean, who never went to school with black people. Well, a classic should have like a guy going. Everyone go back in the door you came through. Use the back door, you guys. How'd you get in here? Sit with your own. Sit with your own. We should do some coke ads. Yes.

That's a good idea. I always had this fantasy of doing a Pepsi ad where it was like...

It was in the middle of a domestic argument, and then a guy just fucking threw a pan and hit the woman, and then she's crying, and as she weeps, the camera turns, and it's just like Pepsi. You know? Just the can sitting there. They should do a taste test where it's a guy blindfolded, and they bring out a Coke and a cock, and he takes a cock, and he goes, that's Pepsi. And then...

So Pepsi, I just started fucking with Pepsi. The one you just described is cock flavored? I got two Pepsi zeros here. I did start fucking with Pepsi. I love that we're getting deep into diet soda, so I have a lot of thoughts. By the way, with that Don L call, I think the podcast is over. That was perfect. That was insane. Pepsi is...

So I was always a Diet Coke guy. Hardcore Diet Coke. DCs. I called them DCs. I had a nickname for them. Sure. And how'd you come up with that? That's very inventive, Bert. DCs, huh? The D for the diet. What about the C for the Coke? Oh, interesting. You know SH? Never has anyone ever called me SH in my life.

You should start selling shirts and just say SH. Great merch idea. Yeah. SH. That's good, man. You should call your next festival. Sh. Greek flag. Yeah. Sh. That feels like I'm like keep the allegations quiet. That sh does not feel right. Sh does not feel right. I think I'm going to pass. So I started drinking Diet Pepsi. Yeah. You started fucking with Pepsi. Started fucking with Pepsi. Yeah.

And I just had to change my perception of when I drank it. So DC has always been for me, like, I need something to drink. Give me a DC. And then I just drink it. And it's casual. It's in my mouth. It's familiar. This is insane. It's like a get-me-through-the-day drink. You know, it's like, I don't want a coffee. Give me a DC. I started looking at Pepsi as a treat because it is a little sweeter. And I started thinking,

Do you remember those times when your grandma would sit you down and say, let's sit down and have a drink? And your grandma's always pulled out Pepsi. And my grandma would pull out Pepsi. And I was a Coke guy because I grew up in the South. But then you have a Pepsi with you, and it felt like you were –

splurging and having a moment. So I started thinking about my grandma every time I drink a Diet Pepsi. And it makes me nostalgic. I don't know anybody who's more into splurging and little treats. Yeah, that's true. I'm also realizing you're an incredible, you're a huge liquids guy. Yeah. Because, I mean, I think everybody thinks you're like a fucking drunk, obviously, but I mean, you know. Oh, it's my fault. Yeah, you're right.

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I'm sorry, Bert. It hasn't been every decision you've made. Listen, man, it's a double-edged sword, pal. We're playing fucking arenas. People are sitting out in the sun for eight hours drinking fucking Millers and Buds all fucking day. I think you did very well for that, right? But it's not also not, I guess what I'm realizing is it's not

it doesn't have to be alcoholic. You're a huge, you're talking about these, you're talking about, like how often in your day are you drinking a liquid? Are you ever dry? No, no. Do you ever spend any time not liquided up? And then, I'm sorry, one more thing. And then it's like these associations you have with the liquids are fascinating. Yeah. Because you're talking about your grandma and it's like there's such a deep, I feel like there's a deep psychology with every drink you drink that we could probably unravel Bert

one beverage at a time, I feel like. Probably. I can tell you what I want to have if I'm going to get in the pool. Yeah. Immediately. Situationally, you have... What's your pool drink? Yeah, let's go pool. Let's go.

Campari Spritz. Campari Spritz. Campari Spritz is one of the best goddamn drinks in the fucking world. I like the other one. Aperol Spritz. Yeah. Okay, so I was a child when Campari on Ice was introduced. It was like Campari on Ice. Oh, so nice. Yeah. And one day I was like, I want to try Campari on Ice. It's garbage. It's really garbage. It's very rough. It's very rough. Yeah. But I want it. It's a cool color. It's like a cooling. Great color. And then I was with... Makes you feel sophisticated. I was with Antonio La Fossa. European. The chef. And she said...

we should have a Campari spritz. And I went, I don't think I've ever had one. Two parts Campari, three parts Prosecco, one part soda water. And it gives you a bite on the back of your tongue, but a freshness. And it kicks. I could have one right now. Can you have them make me a Campari spritz, please? I can't do this. Yeah, no, I was an asshole calling you a drunk. Have Pete make me a Campari spritz, please.

I fucking love a nice Campari Spritz, but I don't like, I have a friend, I had a friend, he's no longer drinking, who only drank Chani Walker Black. I thought he was going to die. I thought he died and it's like, he might as well be dead to you. We don't talk that much.

But he was just Johnny Walker Black. Everywhere, Johnny Walker Black. That was his only drink. And if they didn't have Johnny Walker Black, he wasn't drinking. Really? And he was a big drinker. He wouldn't even fucking drink. If they didn't have Johnny Walker Black, no booze. Interesting. And I never understood that because I thought booze should complement your moment. It should, if you're at the Whaler down in Marina Del Rey.

And you're on the top deck and you get some little calamari. You definitely want a margarita with ice around the rim, frozen with a floater on top. Brown. Okay. Come on. Jesus. I mean. See, I'm such a food addict that I'm still thinking about the calamari. Me too. I don't give a fuck about the margarita. I mean, margarita's good. Yeah. But I'll have a number of drinks, but.

Fucking rooftop looking at the water with some calamari. The best. That's good. I guess I'm honestly thinking beer in that situation because I think about being in Greece and

Because they have all these little beachside taverns. That's the problem. Beer has overwhelmed our culture. When beer should be had at beer moments. What's a beer moment? You're skiing in Jackson Hole. You stop off. Yeah, you're snowboarding. And then you stop off at the little ski chalet. Everyone's out there. All the girls look beautiful. Everyone's got their jackets off.

And you go, ooh, I wouldn't mind a nice IPA. Nice heavy IPA. You know what the status of their outerwear is? Yeah. That's the most specific. Here's what I would say for beer. It's hot and I would like a beer. No, no, no, no, no, no. I just got out of a pool. I'm drinking a beer. You can have a jacket on. A hot day in Texas, by the way, with a cider. Oh, okay. That is...

Because it actually is thirst quenching. Yeah. Delicious. It goes down like it's fucking Gatorade. Have you had sour beer? Sour beer? I'm a big sour beer guy. Sour beer is fucking great. I feel refined when I drink that shit too. If you're in Alabama eating barbecue, a sour beer is the best thing to compliment barbecue because you want sweet tea or lemonade. You also want a buzz. Sour beer.

- Do they have that shit? I feel like every time we got into sour, they fucking poured in a goblet. That's not very like, you know. - In Birmingham, Alabama, right across from this great barbecue restaurant, there's a sour beer pub. - Interesting. - I'll tell you what kind of changed beer for me. I'm not a big beer drinker, but I went to this dude's house

who kept, he had all his beer was in a fridge set at like 34, 33 or something. The dedicated beverage fridge is one of the most beautiful things in the world. But so cold, like, you know what I mean? Like almost frozen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. That was like, man. Because I don't want to even somewhat warm. You know what I mean? No, dude. I want it fucking ice cold. You want to hiccup the first fucking, the first gulp. You know the hotel across the street from CIA over in Central City? Yeah.

There's a big hotel right across the street from CIA next door to where they shot Die Hard, the Takamimi Towers or whatever. There's a- Yakutomi Plaza. Yakutomi Plaza. There's a hotel there and the bar, my dick's going to get hard. The inner kind of now. And the bar has-

frosted taps. The taps are covered in ice. And I cannot, I had to leave CAA. I had to leave CAA. No job. I went, I left that, I left my meeting there. I went over to that bar and I had like six beers. I left my car at CAA and had to Uber home. And I was like, I can't work with these people. I can't work with them. They're fucking killing me.

God, fucking beer is pretty great too. I know. So I'm taking a year off all substances. I turned 35 this year. When did you do that? February 12th. So you saw the full year almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like we're... You're not almost there. Oh, oh, oh. Wait, I thought you were going to do it next February. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's been about three months. And I...

I realized I'm not, I mean, I wasn't a huge drinker for me. It's way more weed and drugs. Those are much more, and honestly food, that's much worse for me. But I was fucking grilling.

And I was, and it was hot and I was in Baltimore and I got a little backyard and I got a non-alcoholic beer because that to me is just such a pure beer moment of like, got a fucking, got a little bratwurst, got a fucking couple lamb chops. Yeah. I got to have a fucking little brewski. What's the hardest food for you to resist? Is there, is there, is it like, like,

Carby starchy stuff sweet. It's night ice cream brother. It's what night ice cream. I'm clean off Honestly, I just I think of that as a drug Like I think of that like i'm sober off. I can't be sober off food You have to eat food, but I am sober off of full fat night ice cream for three months now. Nice That's that's that's like and so listen will I have some halo top methadone every once in a while in a hard moment Yes, I will

I will have a 330-calorie, fucked-up-tasting Halo Top. And I also got one of those Ninja Creamies to just fucking make your own. It's just protein powder and almond milk. And it comes up with, again, some kind of fake... How has the three months affected you? Have you noticed...

I don't know, dude. Mentally, physically? Not really. I mean, I guess I'm happier, but I'm also not working as much. So it's like probably just from not doing shit that I feel better. And everyone's like, oh, you're going to miss working. You're going to be back at it. No. I fucking hate doing anything. Even it's like, I'm done. Like...

I could do nothing forever. I'm a fucking hangout guy. I could have a fucking little barbecue, see my friends, beach, just chill, whatever. I guess I'd want to do stand-up, but we're talking 15-minute spots.

You know, I don't need to do an hour. Just fucking do a couple spots. Not get ready for an hour. Just fuck around on stage. No, just fucking have a good time. Wouldn't that be cool to go back to that world? To like, when we all first started. You started when all the social media was starting to kick in. Not really. I mean, I started... When I started, there was like Twitter, but you would just write your jokes. No one really had a YouTube. I was lucky in that...

Like, dude, I feel bad for people starting to stand up now because they have to post their dog shit clips now. Yeah, I like to remind them that they don't have to. Well, yeah, they don't. But I remember what I thought. But remember how you felt when you were 24? You're like, I'm actually one of the funniest people on earth. Like, you think that, and it's like your joke about, my jokes were about, like, you know, not being too fat to wipe my ass. You know what I mean? Like, and shit like that. I'll take that out of the new special. Yeah.

And I would, if I could have, I would have shown the world because in my head, I'm like, well, yes, I'm, yes, I'm the feature here at Uncle Dave's Comedy Hour at the Red House Tavern in Baltimore. But where I should be is on fucking Saturday Night Live. So I just thought it was like,

The media holding me back, not how shitty I was at comedy. And so I get the side because they even want to do step. You have to be fucking stupid and like, you know, and think you deserve to for people to hear you talk, which is

Almost nobody does. Like eight people in the world do. But especially not some 22-year-old with no life experience and nothing that's ever happened to them. It was just harder when I started to get the clip and get it posted. And there wasn't as many places. Yeah. When it first went up, I was like, oh, this is... People are really going to celebrate this clip. Yeah.

Right. Wait till the world beats hurt. Oh, I posted something on MySpace video. That was us. That was us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, dude, I was the... Literally, I probably posted the second or third time I did stand-up and my big fucking joke was like, you want to know where to find me on a Friday night? Paddle your canoe up the river of semen and tears. Like, I'm beating off and crying. And I was like, heat...

Gonna get me fucking a sitcom. It's like not even a joke. That's not a joke. It's like a sort of like a kind of cute little phrase but incredibly vulgar and I guess it's sort of poetic. It's closer to a poem. It's a great description. It is a joke. I can see it.

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But yeah, I remember posting the grainiest footage you've ever seen in your fucking life. And I remember that was the time where you were excited to see the comments. Yeah, yeah. You didn't know what comments were. Well, here's the thing. Now that I remember, it wasn't that I had posted it because I didn't think I knew how to do that. It's that it was like Just For Laughs had posted it. Oh. You know, and I was like, oh, let me see all the praise I'm going to get. Yeah.

And people are like, don't quit whatever you're doing during the day. I remember wanting any feedback. I remember people would like Zach Galifianakis, who I have a clip of, of him getting smacked in the face by an Asian chick or something. Sounds awesome. And I think either that or he hit her. I don't know. But...

And we're talking about comedy? Zach, have you never seen Live for the Purple Onion? I've seen Live for the Purple Onion. Does he get hit by it? He makes an Asian woman slap him in the face. Oh, okay, okay, okay. And so, hold on. Hang on. Hold, okay. Real quick. I'm going back to this. Yeah. I don't want to forget. Have either of you ever heard how Christy Alley's parents died? Christy Alley's parents? No. Okay. Okay.

Do not let me, do not let me forget to. Okay. You're never going to believe this. All right. And I'm only doing this so that I can hear your laugh. Okay, great. Her death? Her parents' death. Her parents' death, okay. You in a million years will never be able to guess how her parents died. And she's dead, right? She's dead. So we can play this clip. Okay.

That's how it works. Yeah. Do not let me forget to play this clip. Okay? All right. But let's go back to where we're talking about. Live in the Purple Onion. Okay. And I remember all my videos were, what's wrong with black people? Because I just wanted action. And I was like, it doesn't matter who watches it. Like, just gets action. Yeah. And I was like, God, man, Zach's so lucky. People are shitting on him. Yeah. Like, God, man.

Like that was your feed? That's what you were interested in? Or you were putting out what's wrong with black people videos? I was putting it out. No, but it was early clickbait. Early clickbait. Because the joke was good, but it was like, what's wrong with black people? And then black people were like, what the fuck? And then they didn't like it anyway. They were like, oh yeah, you got me. You got me, white guy. You got me. I had so many. That was my whole... I remember being jealous that like Zach...

Zach had the coolest like footprint. Like he was like in his Wikipedia, it says he was a member of the Omega Phi Psi fraternity. Yeah. And I was like, Oh, the like black fraternity. Yeah. And I was like, Oh fuck, they're fucking with this. How cool is that? Now I look back, I'm like, well, he must've not liked that. Yeah. He must've been like, Hey guys. Yeah.

I don't know. I would love to see him in a Omega 5. I would have loved to have seen. Branding guy. I would have loved to have seen young Zach with you. Yeah, absolutely. Young Zach. Big hero. Come on, Galifianakis? Yeah. Did you know him at all? No, I don't know him at all.

Yeah. Zach, do you remember how great? I mean, Zach's still brilliant. That was a huge, I mean, when Live with the Purple Onion, all that stuff, like I was, his Comedy Central half hour, like, obviously because he's Greek, but I was also on that, a little bit on that, like, alt-D, you know, I did clubs too, but I just loved his shit. Oh, yeah, it was like, yeah. He'd pop around town, I was popping around, like, doing those spots.

and when zach would pop in everybody would fucking yeah flip out and people just stole the joke construction of like here's my impression of what is it like the um the illiterate the like uh fuck i'm blowing it but it's like he used to do like these very shitty like impressions and they were just like these little jokes with the potential literate and he's like oh i'm sorry uh

I can't read. You know, like... The pretentious illiterate, yeah. He would just do shit like that. I stole that. Like, I was just stealing his shit, you know, as an open mic where you're just, like, doing... He was doing these little setups and, you know, these, like, impressions that are just little micro jokes. Did you ever see... I mean, the thing that was crazy about Zach was he would go up in an orphan Annie dress. Did you ever see this? Yeah. And he would bring... And he would have a black choir hidden behind the thing. He'd tell a...

borderline racially involved joke. Oh, yeah, yeah. He had some wild shit. He'd tell it and he'd say, I got a letter from a woman, a black woman who didn't like that joke and I want to apologize to her in the best way I possibly can. And then the curtain would drop and there would be an all black choir and they'd be singing and then Zach would have a clipboard and he'd drop papers of

And it was so fucking inventive. I mean, like, no one was doing what Zach was doing, and he was, like, totally free. Like, a real artist. Him and Comedians of Comedy is one of the— It's a real glimpse at, like, a real brilliant mind that hasn't been fucked with yet. Like, he was so— Like, everyone was excited to see him. And he said this— I remember watching all his shit, and my mom's gold grand—

Grand Caravan got a flat on the way to Comedians in Cars and I didn't get to see that show. The Wrecker in Towson is still one of the things I'm the saddest about in my life. I can barely drive and it's like, I just fucked. I just get a flat. I'm just there. I'm like, I want to see alt comedy. But he had, we was talking about when he edited his special, he played the piano on purpose so they couldn't take jokes out. It would fuck with the music. And he like, he would take off his like,

his clothing so that they couldn't jump around and cut around. And he like made it so that, cause I guess, I mean, you guys would know better than me, but that feels like they fucked around with people's half hours quite a bit. Oh, especially back. Yeah. Yeah. That was a big thing. I also remember that there was this thing about Zach too, that, um,

I didn't really understand then is that he always seemed like he didn't want to be there. Yeah. Everywhere you saw him, he was like, yeah, I need to leave. That's great work ethic right there. I feel it. Yeah.

He was the first guy to rock scarves on stage. Yep. He would dress like eccentrically, but on purpose, like, like accidentally eccentrically. He, he, he, and he was the funnest fucking guy to drink with. I believe that. When he drank, he was such a good drunk. Like he was just. Is he sober now? Yeah, he's sober. Yeah. Yeah. Every time Bruce says that, he's like, says it with like sadness in his voice. Yeah, we lost one. Yeah.

That was a tough one to lose. Because he was so, he still is the sweetest guy. I saw him at Brody's funeral. He's, you know, Zach Galifianakis. Yeah. And he comes up and he goes, hey, Bird, it's Zach. And I went, yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah. And he was like, well, I didn't know if you'd remember. And I was like,

buddy, you're in the biggest comedy in the history of comedy. Everyone knows who you are, Zach. And he's like, well, it's good seeing you. I was like, it's great seeing you. And then he murdered at Brody's Roast. He murdered. Did you go to Brody's Roast funeral? His memorial thing. Yeah. The best story they had, he walked into Zach

Walk Brody into HBO to sell the enjoy it and they didn't know what show they were shooting HBO didn't know it shoot show they were buying and they said so tell us about Brody and he goes this is really hard Brody give us your top five streets in LA and he goes Sada Koi I like the base like and he just starts going off in his five favorite streets in LA and they go we'll buy it that goes I don't know what the fuck we sold Yeah, Brody was a fucking yeah drink when we were in the wings and

after Zach had done his tribute, which was like really funny and also really touching. And then somebody else went up

And they started crying. And Zach goes, pussy. Just quietly, just to us. Yeah, that's great. It's always tough at a funeral when somebody crushes it and you got to, and then somebody's just like, you know what? I think I'm going to go speak from the heart. And then they blow it. One of the worst feelings of all time. Zach's buddies, or Brody's buddies are all baseball players, athletes. And so they all thought,

i remember one guy was at the funeral and he was like dude i can't believe i'm doing a set at the store oh no it's a memorial and he did a spot yeah he did he roasted brody everyone's like that's tough it was a tough one and then zach went up and was destroyed that guy yeah yeah god he's so good man he's so good i wish i don't i mean i guess he's like you he is like you like

He I'm always fascinated. I mean, this is a compliment because your generation has a work ethic that's different than our generation. Like I can't stop working. And I remember like you, DeStefano, your whole group of guys were all like, yo, work enough so that you can enjoy life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'm fascinated by that. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to because I think ultimately working.

This idea that you have to constantly be doing more and more is so fucked up and poisonous, I think. And that is the problem with America to me. Capitalism is good up until the point where you just have to keep going. And it's like, why don't you just find the place where it's nice and stop? Why do shareholders always want more? Why can't you just be a profitable business and get to see your family and get to do all these things? And I think that is something where...

I mean, most people my age can't like are working fucking just to survive. So it's almost like this thing of the best, the best thing you could do is if you're successful is like actually just get to live like what a middle class person got to live like.

you know, one generation ago. Like the middle class doesn't exist anymore. So all I want is to, you know, have a good time, make some stuff that's fun and then figure out being happy. Because the other thing is being successful doesn't fucking make you happy. It's not, it doesn't necessarily make you happy. You just gotta, I'll tell you what, being unsuccessful makes you sad. I don't know. You never got to be, I got, I have a really sweet spot in this business and that, and Tom saw it firsthand is like,

I was on Travel Channel and like not really, I mean, I was successful, but not like not across the board. Everyone was like, oh, Bert's here. And then Tom was with me when everyone started popping and everyone started blowing up and Tom started doing theaters and Rogan's podcast was growing and Ari's got 700,000 downloads on his skeptic tanks. He's doing his show and I got fired from Travel Channel. And I remember being

it's not like you're a pariah, but there's a stink on you with other comics. They'd look past you. And trust me when I say, I think even at Brody's Roast, Tom goes and everyone's like, oh, Tom Skrur is here. And I was just...

I think I sat at the table with you and push because I didn't know where to sit. Yeah. And because, because I wasn't like a made man and there, and like people that show up, like I remember Bradley Cooper showed up. It was like, Oh fuck, it's probably Cooper. And I remember being like, Whoa. And so like, I remember not being, being like thinking, uh,

am I cool with the fact that I'm 44 and it's not going to happen? And people know it's not going to happen. And people would look past you. They'd look past you at a party in the hallway of the store, and they're like, oh shit, Chris D'Elia's here. And they'd walk right past you, and you'd be like, okay, and that's your life. But see, that's a perfect example, because I would say...

you know, what's Chris D'Elia's life like right now? You know what I mean? Like the point is success. If your personal life isn't right, if you might have a couple of kooky habits, your personal life, it's like your success is not going to save you from that. And that's, and that's also, I think a lot of your psychology too, of like, maybe that's true because people are shitty, but

How you wanted to be perceived didn't match up with your perception, maybe. Of how I felt about myself. Right, right, right. And also, it's like... But that's what you can control. And sorry, now we're just getting into fucking therapy and philosophy. I would be curious, and I hope we can keep this in the podcast, but I would be curious...

to hear D'Elia's perspective if he's happier now that his life is less chaotic, less crazy with his kid. You know, that really wasn't what I was talking about. I wasn't really talking about him slowing down career-wise. That was the negatives with Chris D'Elia. I was kind of talking about some other stuff he was up to.

But that is a great insight into your mind, Bert, where it's like it does matter to you in a way where and maybe that's upbringing, right? Like maybe you have you feel the need to live up to something because like, look, I didn't also come from. I mean, my parents came to America. We grew up poor. I grew up in Baltimore. And my thought process was I just wanted to fucking make money.

$70,000 a year playing B clubs my entire life. That was the only goal I had. I wanted to put out one special and I wanted to make one really good special. Career-wise, I wanted to just be a comedian and artistically, I wanted one special that I could look at myself in the eyes and say like,

that was a great special. What it did commercially didn't matter to me. So I had an artistic goal and I had a career goal. And I blew past the career goal in a way that I still am having trouble with. And artistically, I'm not there yet. And so that gives me purpose of like, I want to make one thing that I think is great. And so I just feel like I'm kind of playing with house money and my family's fucking good because of me. And I've kind of done it, you know? And it's like... That's awesome. And that's just kind of how I feel. It's a great perspective. And then it's like, you know,

I'd like to I'd like to fix some like psychological shit in my family you know we're good financially but you know I'd like to I have a fucked up relationship with you know commitment relationships all this like my career is great but my personal life I didn't work on at all and so that's the thing I want to and I think you're in a good great place where you were working on your family the whole time and like that's a different thing of of you know I don't have that

And then you might have had some stuff. I don't know if it's like family stuff. I don't know what the background is. I don't know the, like what you wanted to achieve. And so like you were feeling like a piece of shit when you're like 45 or whatever, but you can look at that. I could look at that as a very successful career where you were at. I always thought of you as a successful comic. Both of you guys, like coming up, you're very aware of, you know, uh,

Now, you could argue what you're doing now is fucking insane. Like it is. It's crazy. Like it's there's no other. You're both doing fucking arenas. That's fucking crazy, dude. You got buses. You know what I mean? Like and not one. There's like buses for there's buses for fucking the stage and shit like that.

I would argue that's fucked up and too much. You know what I mean? Like, I would argue that it's like you're going to drive yourself fucking crazy. And I've told you this too, where I'm like, you can't keep fucking working like this. It's insane. Well, the next time, it's always been a progression. Clubs to theaters, theaters to arenas. Clubs to rock venues. Rock venues to theaters. Theaters to arenas.

Arenas, there's like two tiers of arenas. There's hockey arenas where you can get everywhere. There's like 7,000, 8,000. It's just a great fucking night. And then you get Amelie, which is what, 19 or fucking United Center. And then you go, okay, so two at the United Center. And then you're like, wait, what am I chasing? Yeah, that's my point exactly. What am I chasing? It doesn't go bigger than arenas. It does stadiums.

But who wants to do 72,000 people? Matt kind of do. In Tampa. I'd like to shoot one special in the Tampa Stadium. Yeah. I've already talked to the Glazers. I've talked to everyone. That would be a really great experience for the person in the upper deck. I'll tell you that much. Motherfucker paid $200 to fucking hear the machine in echo. I

I heard it four times. I heard the machine four times. That's what I'm talking about, dude. It's like, at a certain point, what the fuck are we even doing here? It is cool. It is impressive. Don't get me wrong. I want to play an arena once because it's within striking distance, but I do want to make it special. I think you do a good job of making those shows special and events. I want to do it in my hometown. If shit broke great for me, MSG would be the fucking dream of all dreams, but

I also think that's like for yourself a little bit. And that like, I really think going back to what I even started this shit for is like, let's just make, I'm still just chasing, let me make one great special that I'm just fucking so happy about that it's like, and then I'm, and then it's just like, you're kind of done. And that like life isn't just,

and working. And that is a very American thing of like, let me accumulate more and more and more and let me... No amount of money is enough. And that's like a fucked up way of thinking, I think, that we all can't help it. That's how our society is structured. But I'm trying to like...

Stay away from that. I wish I was more grounded like that. I don't even know what I'm... There's a book, What Makes Sammy Run, that I never understood. And when I started doing it, I went, I don't know what makes Sammy run. No one can figure out what makes Sammy run. And I don't know what I'm chasing and I don't know what I'm trying to prove. Maybe I'm trying to prove it to myself. Maybe I'm trying to prove it to the industry. There's got to be... I mean, I did Fully Loaded...

Dads? Is it dad shit? Is it family shit? No. I mean, my dad was a guy who always said he was proud of me. And so, I know when we did Forest Hills last year, someone said to me, um...

they were like it's really great show and they were like can you believe that you created this and i said no and they said why did you create this and i said i was drunk and i said because if i if i didn't create it i wouldn't be invited and they were like this is that's fucking crazy and i was like this might be the the psychology of all yeah yeah yeah if i didn't do it no one was going to ask me to do it i want to be i want to have a party and so if i don't

create it no one's gonna ask me to do it no one's gonna be like we need to get burnt that's also not true well now it's not because i've done all these huge things but if i didn't do those huge things i would have never been invited i feel like but that's also like if that's if that's what why people are showing up that's those aren't people you want to be around anyway

You know what I mean? It's like the people that would have been there if shit was just going okay. Those are your actual, that's who you want to spend time with, you know? And it's one thing to like meet people because you're just doing more shows. But if you think you had to achieve something to get people to fucking hang out with you, then it's like being the fucking rich kid with an N64 who nobody actually fucking likes. Wait, is that me? No. Oh shit. But,

But that's not what you should be striving for is my point, is that you're a great guy who's fucking awesome to be around and people are going to like being around you whether you have this shit or you don't. And then, in fact, by striving for approval from people who don't really give a fuck, you might be spreading yourself too thin and just fucking over yourself in a...

very basic human way and maybe even you know maybe even those people that would have been around maybe you're not paying attention to them because you're striving for other mother oh hell yeah fucking Campari Spritz yeah my sister Cotty you drinking one too? are you made them? I'm good thank you he's sober

Tom and I will take one. It does look incredible. It's so good. Take a look at that. If you can get a look at the bubbles coming up, look at the great ice. Ice is really important. I'm a big fan of ice. This is huge. I think you should have gotten just successful enough to be able to say, I would like a Campari Spritz, and someone brings it to you. That's very successful. You don't need any more than that, though. You know what I mean? Let's talk about Sprite. Yeah. Do you think...

Are you a clear soda guy? I'm not a clear soda guy. Dr. Brown's, by the way, I never got this out. Dr. Brown's is a boutique soda. Their diet cream soda gives the A&W a run for its money. I've had that too. Those are the number one seeds in the diet soda bracket. Okay, should we talk about Sprite or how Kirstie Alley's parents died? I'd love to talk about it. I mean, I'm game for either, but we've been holding on for this Kirstie Alley story. Do we need headsets for this? Do we need headsets for this?

This is maybe the best piece of media that's ever been made. So this is Christian's parents. It was made in probably 1987. This audio was? This audio, this video. It's a video. Can you pull the video up? Interesting. Let me ask you this. How long have you been aware of this video? I saw it the other day. Christine sent it to me. I was taking a shit. I started watching it. I didn't finish it. So it's kind of new to you. It's brand new.

You haven't finished it. It's 54 seconds. And I got there and my sister and I, we were all sitting in this waiting room and we were sobbing. And as I'm crying, I said, my sister's here and I wasn't looking at her, but I said, where were they going? She said, to a Halloween party. And I said, what were they dressed as? Why would you ask this? And she said, the odd couple. And I'm thinking, what odd couple? Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon? Well, what were their costumes exactly?

She said mom was a black girl and dad was a Ku Klux Klan member. And the whole family, I guess, had heard this conversation and we all started laughing. Her mom was in blackface. Her mom died in blackface. Holy shit. And her dad with a hood on his head. Her dad was dressed as a Klan member. Oh my fucking God, dude.

She had the right reaction. Yeah, right? Yeah. I mean, her reaction was almost a little too lighthearted. You know what I mean? It's like... She did that on Barbara Walters. Yeah. On Barbara Walters. She said, my mom was dressed in blackface and my dad was dressed as a Klan member. It would have died. It would have hit different if the interview was like a couple weeks ago. Yeah. That's how they died. Yeah. He looked at his face.

dying in a car. She was dressed in a black face. You should not have turned down. He probably looked over and his hood went, mission accomplished. He got really into character. One less. He was like, yeah.

Is that not wild? That's crazy. Oh, my God, dude. That is crazy. Dying on the way to a Halloween party, that's tough. In the costume. In the costume's tough. I've had some. I don't want to die as like Mr. Potato Head. No. You know? It's almost like they're all, anything you're wearing, it's funny. Yeah. What was he wearing? Superman? Yeah, Superman's really good. Yeah. Anything. Yeah. Clan outfit. Clan outfit's pretty top tier. Can you buy a clan outfit? Yeah.

You can make one pretty easily. I bet they're hard to make. Honestly, I bet you $1,000 you couldn't sit with a sewing machine and make a clan outfit. Well, I can't sit with a sewing machine and make anything. Exactly. I think they're really hard to make. I don't know about really hard. If somebody is proficient with sewing, you could be like, hey, I need a hood with some holes in it. Make it pointy. I don't know how to make it pointy. I don't either. I have some thoughts. Yeah, I think pillowcase, you stuff the top with some cotton. I wore almost a clan outfit.

When? For what? Type in Bert. Use our pictures of it online. Oh, good. Bert Kreischer, Mardi Gras. Let's bring more attention to it. Mardi Gras. Listen, I'm going to upset a lot of people in Louisiana right now.

But there's a different type of Mardi Gras outside New Orleans where they celebrate Mardi Gras like they did in the 30s and the 40s. And what they would do, type in images, images. And you can see, that's not Mardi Gras, that's type in Louisiana. Okay, there's a different, there's a racist Mardi Gras? It was trip flip, I wore a tan camera. Oh. But they don't use white outfits. Louisiana trip flip maybe.

They don't use white outfits. They use patchwork outfits. So they use all different cloths. But it's technically a Klan outfit. Oh, that first one there? Yeah. What the fuck?

Oh, no. Yeah, everyone's... The hat's tough. The hat's a tough look. You can't go pointy. No. You cannot go pointy. Yeah, and so everyone's dressed in these outfits and they get on horses and go town to town. Oh, wow. And you said they celebrated like the 30s is what you said? I think so. How faithful to the 30s. We go town to town. Yeah, we do a little bonfire. It gets dark out, so we got to carry some fire with us.

It's not a cross, but they have a huge pole with a chicken on a cage on top of it. And the pole's greased, and people try to climb top of the greased pole to get the chicken off. So the whole idea of what they do is you go house to house, and then they throw a chicken in the yard. And you all chase the chicken, try to catch the chicken. And then once you catch the chicken, then you carry that chicken to the next town.

Okay. And everyone's like on, in like, in like hayride stuff and horseback and walking and drinking and they're throwing beads and they've got these live animals and then you take them to the end and you take all these live animals, they kill them and they make their gumbo. Oh, hell yeah. And they make boudin. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. And they, there's wild hazing. Wild hazing. Like, like,

Hey, blackie. I'm not saying that's what it is. It's not racially motivated, but I'll tell you, if you're black, you're not comfortable there. You're probably not going like, this is cool, man. I love seeing a different culture. Yeah, I'm not seeing a lot of black up in the photo. The hats are tough. The hats are tough. Everything else is like, all right.

And these women that make them are like really good seamstresses. I still have two of those outfits. I did it twice. I did it fucking twice. Yeah, I did it twice. Why the second time, man? You had a good time. It was funny shit. We fucking partied our dicks off.

It was just about the chicken for you. It was just the gumbo. It was about the fucking boudin. Boudin was the fucking best. What's boudin? Boudin is like a cased rice. Like a sausage situation? Like a sausage, but with heavy with the rice. Real spicy. And they smoke it. And then you take it and you kind of pinch it out of the casing. You suck it off. All these... Everyone I met in this thing was all cool as shit. No one said the N-word. But man...

Well, not in front of you. It was definitely a few times where I was like, man, this is borderline. You went back. Yeah. Let me get a round two to make sure. This is my second outfit. I know the first time I did it was a different outfit. It was a little more. I still have that one. I definitely have that one. And there's a mask you wear, too. See the mask on my face? No, there's a mask. You have a mask on your face with the hood. Stop talking, Bert. Stop talking.

Find out what that's called and then Google that. You'll see some wild outfits. And you said this show got canceled, huh? Dude. What time of year is this? This is for Mardi Gras? It's for Mardi Gras. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's how they celebrate Mardi Gras outside of Louisiana. Outside of New Orleans.

because you're outside of new orleans i'm sorry outside of new orleans yeah but yeah they're gonna be mad because i know that this part of their culture and they're like yo that's not what that's about but it's like it is from the outside looking in there's also they say the same thing people say the same thing about the confederate flag like it's not what it's about it's about pride it's about pride well you know they changed the name of fort bragg it did yeah to fort liberty

I was just there, wherever Fort Bragg is. I did that show. And everyone wants to be called Fort Bragg. But Fort Bragg, what's interesting is all these Confederate soldiers weren't that good. At being soldiers? Yeah, well, definitely they lost. But they were like...

They wouldn't even, it's like when you see like a guy from the fucking 20s in the Hall of Fame in baseball and you're like, yeah, they didn't have Latinos yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, so Fort Bragg was over this shit dick soldier that no one fucking liked. He was like, he was actually, he had a sour disposition. His name's Brixton Bragg. Brixton Bragg. And he had a sour disposition. It sounds like a gay porn star. He had a horrible, he had a horrible approach to war. He always went frontal.

Like he was a terrible fucking guy. He was a worse soldier. Not a good tactician. Not a good tactician. One of the worst. No one liked him. And they named him after Fort Bragg. Yeah. A lot of those guys got things named after them. They weren't all winners, you know. No, they weren't.

I know. The statues are wild. I hadn't been to the South. I grew up in Baltimore, and if I went anywhere, it was like New York. And then I visited. We had family friends in South Carolina, and I just was not really prepared for how much Confederate shit was around. In Georgia, it's crazy. I thought there'd be like, all right, whatever, one here or there. But it's like South Carolina. And I like Charleston, but it's like...

You're like, wow, these buildings are beautiful. Then you start doing the math on who built them, you know, and in what conditions. And then like the central market is like, was a slave market. It was like the cute little downtown market where you like buy shit is like,

were here and you didn't bulldoze this shit? Bulldoze it and build it again. The vibes are fucked. If somebody bought people here, I don't want to buy fucking, I don't want to buy like candy corn here. I don't want to buy a fucking, I don't want to buy tchotchkes for my grandmother the same place you bought like a toddler. You know, like I don't want, I don't fucking want that.

want that. But these are the best apples. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's right. I'll go get produce somewhere else. Stone Mountain. Do you look up Stone Mountain, Georgia? I've never seen that. That's wild. Stone Mountain, Georgia is like, it's very impressive when you see it and then you're like, oh. And then when you learn what that is, right? It's like an etching into the mountain? Yeah. It is an etching into the mountain. But then

And it's enormous. It's enormous. It's fucking huge. But then can you pull up the history of what that is? I'm going to guess it's not chill. It's not chill. It's not chill. Let's start. What's the vibe here? What's this? It's on Robert E. Lee Boulevard. Oh, man. So...

Usually, if you drive down Martin Luther King Boulevard, you know what to expect. If you drive down Robert E. Lee Boulevard, you kind of get... It's the same for Confederateship. Yeah. Go to... Jeff Foxworthy should just do that Chris Rock bit, but for rednecks. You know? Where he's like, you go down Robert E. Lee. Okay, so...

It was purchased by the state of Georgia as a memorial to the Confederacy. Nice. Oh, they opened it 100 years to the day after Lincoln's assassination. They had the big celebration. What are the odds? Do you think they knew? Do you think they knew? That's a fucking wild move. It's a wild move. That's a fucking wild move.

A lot of that stuff has little details like that. A lot of the Confederate statues. Being so racist, you do Easter eggs like it's a Marvel movie? Look at the first drop down. What is so special about Stone Mountain?

It's a natural park area. Wow, that is really... That's a way to just make it palatable. There's one guy's job who works for StoneMountain.org and he's got to clean the internet every day. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, but can you go to the wiki of what is it? What is the Stone Mountain Controversy? Oh, there we go. This is where the Black Nationalists marched to with their machine guns and their assault rifles.

like ready yeah and there's something about the fact that this is like very close to atlanta which is like a massively totally black city big black metropolis yeah and then they're like hey go check this just in case you guys okay i'm gonna say something very fucked up though you get a little comfortable is there a part of you like i remember one time and i only know this because i texted these pictures before you before you finish no but go ahead

One time I walked into a bathroom in Northern California and they had old, old pre-civil rights advertisements up. So it was like, try this. And it was all like,

uh, Sambos and like, I don't say, I hope I'm saying the right name, but like, definitely not right. Like it was, it was all blackface. It was all blackface with like, and it was like, it was like him with a, with a, with a Pepsi. Yeah. Yeah. And, and I was so fucking blown away by it. Cause I've never seen anything like that, that I started taking pictures of all of them and texting the Tom going like, can you believe what the fuck I'm seeing? There's a part of me that goes, I

I know. Okay. Separate all the hate. Separate the artist from the art. Just be a person on vacation. Okay. If you were going up to Stone Mountain and you saw a segregated water fountain, would you take a picture of it? Would I take a picture of it? Is there a part of you that's like, shut the fuck up? Like to show the police or what? Like...

When I contact the FBI, if they're using currently segregated water fountains. I saw a picture. So, by the way, the Klan is a big fan of Stone Mountain, too. Interesting. Wu-Tang?

It's the fact that it is a shrine, a massive shrine to the Confederacy. Isla got on a ride on a hobby horse one time, and there was a sign above it that said, no fat chicks allowed. Mm.

And I fucking got so excited. You're not supposed to see that. But I think that's what I get excited about where I go, that's not supposed to happen anymore. Yeah, that part. Yeah, that does make sense. It's like when Clinton Portis used to do ESPN and he'd do interviews and you're like, you're not allowed to say that. When he got on, he was like, I mean, the guy fought some dogs. That was awesome. He literally just said, like Michael Vick's getting arrested. There's like, you know, thousands of people are protesting. He's like,

It's fucking dogs. That was awesome. His exact words were, ain't nothing but a dog fight. That was fucking awesome. But I remember, I think they asked Clinton Porters about gays on their football team, and he's like, well, they're breaking God's heart. And I remember going like, I was like, what the fuck?

You don't love to say that? You don't love to say that? Yeah. Like, there's something fun about that. And I'm going to say, like, there's nothing fun about segregation. But if I saw a segregated water fountain, I would get like, shut the fuck up. That's a little different than like a misogynistic sign above a horse, though. No fat chicks allowed. You know what I mean? Hey, fat chick, that's their segregation. Yeah. That was their water fountain. I wonder if you can buy a segregated water fountain still. You probably can if you look into it. Guess what you're getting for your birthday. Oh, my God.

A whites only water fountain. Thanks, man. So wait, so wait, I got it in the office. So wait, so I'm going to tell you, you got to use it. You got it. You got it. You got to edit his name out. You got to edit his name out. I got a fucking 12 inch dildo on a placard.

that said whites only on the placard from really and i i raffled it off at our daughter's school how'd that go

Was it a mystery box? It was a mystery box. And I said, join the mystery box. I swear to God, I swear to God. Do you know who had it before? You got to edit all those names out because it's fucking horrific. And this is like 2010. It was like back before. That was still okay back then. Yeah, yeah. Way, way back then. It was a mystery box. And I was just do everything in the mystery box. And someone got the mystery box.

And they opened it. It was a lot of people sending stuff that were fans. Yeah. And then they got that and then they gave it back to me and kept the sign. Oh, interesting. They were more interested in the racist aspect than the thing to put up your pussy or ass. I still have the dildo. I still have the dildo. It's hard to get rid of. What's the closest you've gotten it to your ass? Never.

But closest? No, never. Not even close. Touch your back? No. Something like that, I would never put my ass. What? Something like that you wouldn't. So what would you? If there was like something small, I wouldn't mind trying something really small that vibrated hard as fuck. Now we're talking. Like, I wouldn't mind that. It's got to be long, too. I want to get in there. What have you had in there? Anything? Like, no, my finger. Yours? I don't mean a finger. Okay.

I've definitely had my finger in my ass. All the way up? That's good dexterity. Just a little bit. I was on coke one time and I pulled a piece of shit out of my ass. Oh, man. I had to shit, but I couldn't shit. And I was trying to shit, but I couldn't shit. You went for the C-section approach. I fucking went up there and I pulled it out. I was like, get the fuck out. We are going to bed.

God damn it. Sprite. What about diet Sprite? Diet Sprite's not bad because it's not caffeinated either. Right. You can have some before bed. That's a big thing for me. That's the beauty of the A&W Zero Sugar Root Beer. No caffeine. Yeah, that's true. That's huge. And it fucking tastes like

It's the king. It is the king. It's the king of root beers. Yeah. The king of diet sodas. Oh, that was good. Tastes like another. Yeah, take one for me. I needed, I was tied with all last night. Yeah, did you guys? This fucking store was insane last night. Yeah. Insane. I fucking should have gone. I don't know why. No, you know what? Okay, so we'll go back to the other thing. This is what I like about you guys is that

You also don't chase the rabbit. Like last night, get done. Everyone goes to the party. It's like packed. And Tom's like, I'm out. I'm going to bed. And I was like, what the fuck? I was like, I haven't even gone to the post party yet. Yeah. Like this is just the post post part. I'm going to go to the post post post party. And so I went to the store.

And I should have gone to bed. I woke up this morning going, I should have just gone to bed. I feel like fucking shit. Do you think there's a moment you stop chasing it that much? Because it is intrinsic to like, there is something about you that you just love that action. Love all of it. Is there something about it where you're like, because for me, it was like so clearly, I would just go to those things. Yeah, to see my friends. But when I was younger, I would just be out to try and fuck.

I don't care about you. And I know you don't at all, which is something I can't even fathom. Really? Like the fact that I would just be out getting fucked up to not try and get pussy is kind of insane. Really? That's kind of my North Star in almost all decision making. And that's why I want to like just be in a good relationship because it's like it sucks to just be calm. And now I care a little less, which is nice. Like I don't have to constantly. I'm not as insecure about it as I used to be where I was like, oh, I have to. But like to be out all night.

With the exception of the spare bros day where I haven't seen my boys in a while and it's like, let's really get after it once in a blue moon. But just a married man with a beautiful family that stays out till 4 a.m. more than a couple times a year, I can't. A couple times a year? That's what I'm saying. I've done it four times this week. That's what I mean. It's kind of wild. Do you think that ever slows down or do you just think you just love it too much?

I don't know. It's never going to sell. It's never going to sell.

I love it. I love it so much. You do love it. You do love it. I love it. I have a hard time saying no because I never know. It's like a lottery ticket scratch off. True. You never know what's going to happen. I've been around. Even when we were hanging out backstage before we did the roast, when people would arrive, they're like, oh, people have arrived. And I'm like, cool. Yeah. He's like, you want to go say hi? Right.

Right, right, right. And then I watched him like, he comes alive at socializing. I think it's pure, real, like just purely extrovert shit. Yeah, totally. Where it's like, you know, and I think everybody thinks if you, if you're like, if you talk for a living, you're like that. But that is, because I've seen, because Bobby was like that too when I would, when I would open for Bobby. And I'm much more of a, Bobby Kelly. Okay, oh yeah. I'm much more of a like,

let me get my head right for the show type of guy. He would be, we would go out, he'd be smoking cigars, we'd be talking to fans. Real extrovert shit. We'd have dinner. He'd go to like a big dinner right before the show and I'm like, bro, I need to get. Usually after too. Yeah. Back then. Oh, dude. Me and him. Circa 2013. We were like, we were like,

Honestly, we may have been fatter than you were drunk. You know what I mean? Like, which is tough to pull off, bro. We might have been fucking, we were crushing food in a fucked up way. The amount of food. He got real big. We were fat. I mean, we were both so fucking fat. It was crazy. What was the highest you ever weighed?

probably 350 at the end of the tour. I never actually saw that number, but I kind of like... Because you couldn't see past your stomach. Yeah, because my fucking fat stomach was too... It's hard when you have to lean over. Having to suck in your stomach to look at the scale is tough. Yeah. That's a tough zone to be in. I've been there.

I've been there. But I never saw that number, but I kind of cleaned it up before. You know what you do? You give yourself two weeks to make the scale want to kill yourself a little less. Yeah. So I got to, like, at the end of this tour, dude, I was 341. So you're not on tour? Are you going to not tour?

No, like, action. Oh, you're taking time off. You're doing Fully Loaded, though, in Baltimore. I'm popping out for, yeah, that's the only thing I'm doing this summer. I'm taking the summer off, but I was like, if you're coming through Baltimore, I got to come through. Fuck yeah, thank you for doing that. You know what? If you're looking for a place to work out, my brother's gym is right by Merriweather. Can we bring the whole Fully Loaded crew? Absolutely.

All right, we're going to do a fully loaded workout at your brother's gym. Let's do that. That's fucking awesome. It's really close to the venue. Is he a big gym dude? He's like a... Yeah, he's got his own... It's a smaller gym, but that's his job. He runs it. And he's a trainer. He's like a strength and conditioning coach. I think your brother... I think your brother, every time I do step-ups... Yeah, dude. Because your brother... His brother was watching Stavi do step-ups, and Stavi's step-ups were like...

huh? You know, like he moves and he goes, no, no, no, no, no. Use your leg. He's like, I am. He's like, no, you're using your momentum. Every time I do step ups, I think your brother, isn't that fucking weird? Some of those things just stick in your head forever. Yeah. No, he's the best. And, and I'm excited. Like I was pumped to go work out with him and I literally was too fat. I had to go to PT for like three months to start working out.

And so now, back in the summer, I'm going to just, now in the summer, I'm just going to go crush it, you know, work out with him. Get with him. Yeah. All right, let's plan that. Yeah, absolutely, dude. He would love, he'd be, this is going to make his fucking year to hear this. Huge fan. He can't wait. He was like, he even was like, dude, he wants to meet people, but to know that everyone's going to come work out, it's going to be fucking sick.

That's awesome. Honestly, strength and conditioning, baby. Yeah, and I even wanted to run the 5K. I talked to my PT. He was like, you could technically do it. And the exact phrase he said was like, you would be in shambles afterwards. He was like, if I tried even a slow running pace for three miles. So I'll be strolling. By the way, a quick walk.

And a jog's more taxing on the body than a walk. 4.0s, you can jog that and it'll hurt. But you can also walk a 4.0 and it doesn't hurt as much. It's true. We're going to have a fucking blast tomorrow. I'm pumped. It's going to be fun. Thank you for coming. Of course. Anytime, guys. You are the best. You are the fucking best. Yeah. And huge shout out to AMW Zero Sugar. If we don't get some fucking... We've all agreed you guys are number one. I think they should come out with Black Pepsi. I'm trying so hard.

Black Pepsi. Black Pepsi. Just make it a clear can. And then you can just go, you know who this is for. And you know what they should do is segregated water fountains. One, for whites only, it comes out Coke. And for blacks, it comes out Pepsi. And we'll wrap on that. Thanks, guys. Know who you are. Know what side you're on. We'll see you guys next time. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert.

One goes to top the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.