The Most Special Performance EVER | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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I bet I could wipe shit on my face. No, you definitely can. I bet I could. What's your price point? $750, I'll shit on my face. 100% Excuse me.

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Can I tell you, sometimes I think my branding's off. Yeah? Yeah, like the other day I was like, I don't know why, but I saw someone get rolled in on a wheelchair. Yeah. And I was like, oh shit, wonder what happened. And then I started Googling that person. Yeah. And then I was like, I should do that. Like get rolled around in a wheelchair. Wait, you saw a celebrity getting Googled? Yeah, it was like rolled in a wheelchair. I think it might have been Gerard Depardieu. Though that would make sense. He's rough, bro.

He was, he said for a minute, what was, what was Gerard Depardieu drinking in a day? He said, wasn't it like something like, let's start here. Let's see where I am. Like 15 bottles of wine or some shit like day 14, 14 bottles of wine. Yeah. And a single, it starts with champagne at home or red wine before 10 AM and then more champagne. That's my day tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to fucking get lit tomorrow. Champagne. Yeah. I'm going to get lit where I regret it the next day. Yeah. Yeah.

God, Gerard Tapertu. Was he a great actor? Great. Was he? What was he in? He was in like Don't Catch My Daughter. Well, he's French, so there's a lot of movies you probably haven't seen. But he did an English show. He's French and did French movies? Tons, yeah. For real? Yes. So he's like their Jackie Chan. I mean, sure, yeah. Interesting. Less action, but yeah. He ever play a special needs person?

Did he I'm sure he did he looks like he could remember when he at first got well I don't know if he was first when we got naked in that Fantastic, no pull it up. You didn't see him naked No, pull jarred to pardue naked and I'm gonna see if this is what I looked like naked. Oh my god No, no, that's back in the day. That's a nice. Well, then she's jerking both cocks right there. Wait, hold on He did a porn. No, that's just French. This is French movies. They could just do porn. Yeah, you know the French are This is him right here, too. Yeah

What the fuck? Yeah. You haven't seen that? Does he not have an agent? Right there. That one, yeah. Which one? The one of him sitting? No, the one right now that's standing on the right. Buddy. Buddy. Yeah. That's what I looked like. Buddy, that's what we said. No, you did not. That's how that whole thing started. What? We'd seen this movie, and it was like, I don't know how many years ago. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yes! Yes!

Then we were like, that's Burt. That's me. That's what I looked like naked. That's what I fucking looked like naked. Leanne couldn't have sex with me. She'd have to lean over my belly to kiss me. Oh, my God. God damn it. What was the one where the girl was jerking the two guys up? Yeah, go back to that movie. Yeah, because I hadn't seen that one. Is that Dinner at Andre? I couldn't name one French film. Yeah, right here. She's really jerking them off. Is that De Niro? It is De Niro. Yeah. Wait, what movie is this?

Man, being an actor in the 70s must have been fucking awesome. You know that after this, they were like... 1900, it's called? Bertolucci. What's the plot other than two dudes... It was called 1900, though. Two dudes are killing it.

But wouldn't you be bummed out that they had the shot with the soft cocks? Like, wouldn't you think it would be better? Wait, by the way, hold on. Tom. Yeah. Tom, let's recreate that movie. Sure. Let's reshoot it. And then it's just acting. No, totally acting. The answer is I can kiss a chick on screen. Well, you can do this too. Yeah. So what? They just, I don't understand. How would you get there in that plot where you jerked off two dudes? I don't know. I never knew we had a De Niro dick out. No one ever talks about that. Yeah, go back to De Niro's dick.

Do you think Robert De Niro listens to our podcast and he's like, oh, fuck, they found it. I think he's pretty aware of this. That is such. Yeah, that's a crazy shot. That's a wild shot. Gerard J. Pardue looks fucking great in that. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, he grabs his dick. De Niro grabs his dick. What? I got to know the plot of this movie. What is this movie? What is 1900? 1900.

It's about two immigrants. Let's guess what it is. Okay. 1900. Two brother immigrants come over to America and one wants to be a boxer and the other one wants to be a writer. And they find a girl who they find a young Irish girl who's a prostitute and the writer falls in love with her.

Okay. That's way better than I would have gone with. Let me hear yours. They just work at a fish market and some whore walks by and they're like, hey, you want to eat today? And then they just take her up to the room and then they don't feed her. Dude, movies have changed so fucking much. Okay. You could not have Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt getting jerked off by a chick. It would definitely make waves. Oh my God. Tom, let's write that movie. Sure. It's called Jack Brothers. Yeah.

This has Donald Sutherland. What? Burt Lancaster. Set in Bertolucci's ancestral region of Emilia, the film chronicles the lives and friendships of two men. Yep. One's a boxer and one's a writer. The landowning Alfredo, which is De Niro, and the peasant Olmo, which is Depardieu. I'm close. I'm close. Hold on. Now listen, in plot structure, one's a meathead, one's an intellectual. Keep going. As they witness and participate in the political conflicts between fascism and communism that took place in Italy in the first half of the 20th century...

with a runtime of 317 minutes in its original version. 1900 is known for being one of the longest commercially released films ever made. Its great length led to it being presented in two parts when originally released. All right, I got our idea. I got our idea.

We're going to redo 1900. We're going to remake it. Well, here's the plot. Okay. Give me the plot. Scroll down. Give me the plot. And I'm going to turn it into a comedy right now. Okay. Italy is liberated by the fascists. We're not doing it in Italy. We're not doing it in Italy. Well, we get to spend time in Italy if we don't. Nazi Germany. Keep going. All right. The peasants seek to join the partisans and place the owner, Alfredo, under arrest, attempting to flee. A middle-aged man named Attila and a woman named Regina face an attack.

by women laborers wielding pitchforks. Alfredo and Olmo, born in 1901, come from opposite ends of the social spectrum.

Alfredo from a wealthy Landover family grows up with his cousin Regina while Olmo, an illegitimate peasant, is raised by his grandfather Leo, the foreman and peasant's spokesman. Despite their differences, Alfredo, somewhat rebellious against his family's falseness, befriends Olmo, who was raised as a socialist during their childhood. They'll lead strikes against unfair conditions on the farm and the two's friends spend much time together. Get to the fucking Polsky handjob. Yeah, where we get, can we scroll to the handjob?

When does she jerk them off? It's not in the plot of the film. Hey, guys, real quick, real quick. Can we change that Wikipedia to make it a little more interesting? Yeah. We need, can someone add, this movie's been optioned by- This is over five hours. We're not going to do five hours. Ours is going to be shorter. It's going to be like fucking 76 minutes. And then can you just make sure, someone watch the movie, but jump in with the handjob part.

Just add the handjobs. They both get jacked off by the same woman. And add that into the Wikipedia, and I think it'll help sell the movie. I think it'll really bring it back. It's crazy you couldn't make that. I think we're going to increase its streams this week. I'm watching the movie. Yeah, me too. You can't make a movie like that. Do you remember the guy...

Who's the guy who did Buffalo 66 and made that girl suck his dick? - Fucking ended her career. - Ended his career. It was Christina Ricci, I think, or Chloe Savenya. - No, no, it's-- - Chloe Savenya. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, and-- - Vincent Gallo? - Vincent Gallo. - Vincent Gallo. He was like, "I think to make this real, "you should suck my dick." I'm sorry if I'm speaking on your behalf, Vincent. I'm sure you're not into podcasts. I'm sure you're painting a wall.

I don't know anything about Vincent Gallo and his shitty that I just trashed him a little bit. No, you're fine. He's a good looking dude. Interesting looking. Interesting looking dude. He's got that kind of look that like scumbag, like, but like a sexy scumbag. Yeah. Sexy scumbag. Yeah. He, he had her suck his real dick. Yeah. In the movie. And then his, I think her agents dropped her. They're like, are you fucking blowing guys on camera? Yes. Yes. Pull that up. Yes, dude.

He's like, they like you suck dick to get the part. And I want you to have the part. Jesus. Don't you know how me too works? Exactly. Um, is it peace with Brown bunny? Oh, so it wasn't Buffalo 66. Okay. Okay. Brown bunny backlash. Bad bunny. Brown. I know, but bad bunnies. Uh, yes. He's like really big. Okay. Um,

2003's Brown Man in which she performed unsimulated fellatio. At the time the country threatened her career, she was terminated from her agency. What the fuck? Yeah, dude. That's not cool for them to do to her. I know. She had to be like fucking 22. She said, I thought it would just kind of play to an arthouse audience. I don't know why I thought it would just go under the radar. Vincent's a real character. I love Buffalo 66. I put my faith in him, believed in him. He was also very seductive, as you can imagine. I was thinking...

I think it was kind of a way of reclaiming myself, which sounds odd, but after the celebrity and stuff being like, no, that's not who I am. I'm this other thing. That's what I stand for. I saw her one time when I worked at Barnes and Noble. Yeah. Yeah. She walked in with a Harmony Corrine.

And she was pretty stunning. She's beautiful. She's got like what Vincent Gallo has for creepy sexy. Yeah. She's got like cigarette smoking, coffee drinking sex. Yeah, yeah. Like the kind of chick you want to meet in Paris. Yeah. Who doesn't shave her armpits and fucking plays with her asshole. You know? Where she's like...

She's like, no, this is how we do it over here. No. She's fucking hot. Yeah, she is. She's still hot. I saw her on Kimmel the other day. Was she on Bloodline, the Netflix series? No. The one that takes place in Florida? No, that's the fucking goat. It's great. She's not in that? No, the fucking chick in Bloodline is so goddamn hot. Yeah, she was in Bloodline. Yeah, okay. Yeah, she was in Bloodline. Yeah.

Who's the chicken bloodline who's so fucking beautiful? I mean, she's perfect. She's actually perfect. Like she will be a hot old woman. Yeah. Linda. Linda Cardellini. Linda Cardellini's cheeks are fucking mesmerizing. Yeah, she's beautiful. She is so. This series, if you haven't seen it, especially if you grew up at all in Florida, it nails Florida.

Florida trash and Florida like dynamics so well. Like the fucking neckbeard guy, you're like, oh, I've met like a hundred of these guys. Dude, the fucking brother who smokes cigarettes all the time. You know who smokes cigarettes in all his movies? That guy. That guy, Ben Mendelsohn. Yeah, he's great. He's fucking awesome. And Jamie McShane in that is un-fucking-real. He nails that. I want to smoke a cigarette with Ben Mendelsohn.

Oh, dude. Jamie McShane. Oh, like he's neckbeard. Yeah. Yeah. I know Jamie McShane. You know him? I know him really well. How? Our kids go to school together. No shit. I know Jamie really well. Dude, he's fantastic. Holy shit. I know Jamie really well. You said that. I was like, I know Jamie. I know Jamie's sons. I know Jamie's ex-wife. Holy shit. He's awesome. He's fucking great. Yeah. He's a cool dad, too.

Like a cool, cool guy. He's the perfect Florida loser in this. Like, he's so perfect. It's exactly what... I can't believe we brought up Jamie. Yeah, he's fucking amazing in it. They're all great. They're all great. They're fucking great. I love when they make movies that they don't...

I can't imagine, and I say this with respect, but I can't imagine Bloodline getting greenlit today. Really? It's just a little bit at the very end of network. You can stay, by the way, where they shot that, and it's fucking amazing. For real? In the Keys. I think it's called The Moorings. I love when you watch a TV show that makes you want to drink.

really when you go like like 14 bottles of wine like yeah like like mad men yeah yeah like i need a scotch in the afternoon yeah and talk some to somebody you get i use this you the thank you is the paycheck oh yeah that's why i pay you you should be thanking me that you have a job he's a badass yeah he's great in trouble for hazing back in his like well they tried to cancel him because he hazed people do you see him in the new fargo

The series, it's fucking so good. Really? Yeah. Is that the one with Chris Brown? Chris Black? Chris Rock? Well, so that's, yeah, that's the same series, but every season is a completely new story. So Chris Rock's was, I think, season four, and this is season five. Can I tell you what I love?

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But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat. Amazon, spend less, smile more. I love, I love my intelligence level.

Because I'm not smart enough to find the new cool show, but I am smart enough to get the new cool show. So like when they go, have you seen Secession? And then I go, no. And they go, you should watch it. Did you say Secession? Is that not how it's said? Secession, yeah. No, you secede somebody. You don't secede somebody. You secede them. It's Secession. Okay. It's Secession. All right. Hold on. How do you say it? Secession. No. No.

Leanne! Oh, Jesus. How do you say it? It's secession. Sun... Sung... Succession. Huh? Succession. No, they're doing that wrong. Google. Google, that's AI. You don't trust AI.

Hey, do you think all the... Don't even forget this. Do you think... I have a bet with my old trainer. Yeah? Which one? Lacey. Okay. When you run on a treadmill and they've got the screen where you're running down the street and people are passing you by, are those real people or are they AI? They're real. I thought so too. Yeah. You know, it's great. There's one...

I love doing it. And then I talk, I waved to people running by me on the treadmill. Like when they're on the other, I go, what's up? I love doing that. And then I like a cat calling the people I run past. Nice ass. Yeah. And then there's a woman that drops a scarf. Well, the fucking thing that sucks about those, they always like, Oh, you want to run on the beach and Malaga or whatever? You're like, yeah. Is that your eye lines here. So you have to like run like this to see. Yeah.

I think it's better than it's better than running like I ran through the Thai forest the other day and if you're running through the Thai forest I've run through the Vietnamese forest and you run with your feet you're staring down so you don't see anything because you're watching roots and stuff but it's nice to be there and go like oh so that's what it looks like right it's amazing they made running outdoors better indoors yeah yeah they killed it they killed it I gotta try VR porn

I'm afraid I'll never go back to regular sex. It'll kind of fuck you up. Have you done it? Yeah. I went in a hot air balloon on VR and I went on a hot air balloon in real life. Yeah. Same, same. I went on the, uh, the landings. Have you ever landed in a hot air balloon?

Have I ever landed in a hot air balloon? It's fucking terrifying. I've seen, again, Instagram, some wild fucking footage. Tom, they're all like that. Well, no, these are into like power lines fucking exploding in flames and you're like, oh, fuck. Or one that hits the ground at like 60 miles an hour. They all are like that. Did you see the one? Did I send you the video of the guy?

Who's like he's not parachuting is like paragliding and it doesn't open and he he hits the bridge at 120 miles an hour Severs his legs. Yeah, I'll send it to you. Thanks, and then he bleeds out You showed me the one up we share that we play this on one episode of the guy there is you ding

Sometimes, like when, I don't mean this disrespectfully, but when you see people get hurt, base jumping and like not dead, but like paragliding and stuff like that, it's almost like those prank white kids that go to black people and go kiss me on the mouth. Yeah. And then they knock them out. You're like, they deserve that. Yeah, sure. The one you showed me of the guy who lands on the mountain and then his shoe keeps dragging him and then he gets off and he starts paragliding again and then lands on another mountain. Yeah. He's getting dragged off.

You like that one? Have you seen this one? The birthday wish one? No. This one's kind of crazy. Congratulations to Alex and Gail on getting married. Have fun in Hamburg and stay away from those oranges. Oh, wait. Oh, stay away from those oranges. Stay away from those oranges, yeah. He got an orange up his ass. Oh, that's just a shit. Wait, but look. Tom. Isn't that crazy?

And you can, you can, I, that's Naked Martin. You never seen any of his stuff? That's what they call him is Naked Martin. Yeah. I would have rebranded that. Old brown face Martin. Isn't that crazy that that's his, that's his like hook? That's his thing? Well, he has to pay more because you can hire him. So you can have him do like a naked wish or you can have him add the little bit at the end. Sometimes he puts it in between bread and he eats it.

And I was just saying they don't make movies like they used to. And then there's guys like they're just breaking the mold. Yeah. I remember when I was really heavy into promos, Yoshi hit me up. I think my TV or something was coming out. Yeah. My special, Secret Time. Yeah. He goes, I thought you'd enjoy this. And it's this chick naked on a bed. She's like, hey, everybody, make sure to watch Bert Kreischer's new special. What's the name? Shoves her hand in her ass.

and pulls out a piece of paper, opens it, and it goes, secret time. Oh, my God. I was like, I can't use that. I can use it, but I can't use it. Yeah, yeah. That's really thoughtful of him. Yeah, I need to get on Cameo. That's not a bad... How much do you have to pay to get him to wipe shit on his face? I don't remember. Do you remember? What would be your price point? For wiping shit on my face? It'd be up there. Yeah. Let's see. Oh, wow. Yeah, order a video. Christmas videos. Oh, I want an extreme video. There you go. Doesn't say the...

We'll send you a quote after you put in the request all right first name Albert Let's just see I want an extreme video. Yeah, okay Albert no no no what am I doing Albert Joseph Rogan? We'll send it to Joe yeah, when's his birthday. It's in August. We'll sit on it for a while. Yeah, hey Congrats on your podcast

We would like something completely original. No, no, is that the message that he's gonna say? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Congrats on your podcast. - Oh, you have to write please say. - Please say, congrats on your podcast. - Joe. - There you go. - Joe, here's to many more insightful episodes. And then take a dump. - Been a fan since news radio. - Yeah, and then it should just be. - And take your time with it. - Yeah.

and then take a dump and put it in between two pieces of bread and take a bite. I think Joe would like it. I think he'd be like, that's cool. He's seen a lot of crazy shit. He used to be the fucking, the honeypot for crazy shit. You remember you'd run into him and he'd be like, you ever see that guy get fucked by a horse to death? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Cool. All right, let's get a quote. That's really cool. Someone in close venue say,

Oh, never mind. Yeah. No. I like her. She's great. She's great. That fucking, that bothers me that her agents dropped her. That bothers me. Yeah. Like, it just bothers me that you'd have an agent that wouldn't be on set. Right. So that was 2003, but in 1976, Robert De Niro's getting jerked off with Gerard Depardieu. Dude, I've said this a number of times. Like, I'm a canary in the mine for woke. Okay?

Okay? Yeah. Like, I'm way ahead of woke culture. You are? Oh, I was woke when I was woke with representation in film when Sandy Duncan played Peter Pan. Really? I was like, what the fuck, dude? You can't have a chick play Peter Pan. Wait, did they say we have a surprise gift? Yeah, I'll have them bring it in. Okay. What do you think this is? Is it Bobby Lee? I really don't know what this is. You think it's edible? Because that was enough for me. I'm not hungry. Yeah. I hope it's chocolate. Okay.

You couldn't pay me to wipe shit on my face. No. You could. Yeah. Your own? It's only my own. I'm not wiping other people's shit on my face. Yeah, it's my own shit. So it couldn't be someone. I bet I could wipe shit on my face. No, you definitely can. I bet I could. No, you can. Not like take a turd and wipe it on my face. What if it was like the power dump you took here where it's all over this?

Those are the kind I'd do. I'd shoot it in my hand, and then I'd rub it through my hair. Easily, I'd rub it on my face. My face would be a little... What's your price point? Like, easily $100 million in a second. $100 million? I'd wipe shit on my face. Right, sure. Nothing less than that? No, no, we're working it down. Okay, so let's say somebody offers you $25 million to wipe shit on your face. You're going to say no? No.

What's this? Wow, that's awesome. Put it in the center. So do you want to say that again in the microphone, Peter? Sure. The Tampa Bay Bucks and Habitat for Humanity have decided to get you guys a trophy to say thank you for the houses that you've donated. That's very nice. Thanks, Peter. Fuck, yeah. Something tells me...

Oh, I learned a valuable lesson in this house donation. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to announce this right now. I have remained charitable and I've remained a good person. I no longer put it on social media. Really? I no longer put my name on GoFundMes and I no longer tell you when I do really cool things. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else.

I think they mean us. Oh, s***.

Good for you, Bert. Yeah. I'm taking a girl that has cancer and I'm going to go party with her, but I'm not telling you who it is and I'm not putting it on social media. Really? Yep. Where are you going to take her? We're going to party our balls off. Her oncologist said it was okay, but I'm not going to, I'm not going to tell anyone about it. I mean, like I'll tell you, but like, I'm not going to like, cause like old school Bert would be like, let's share this. Sure. But I realized it's about intrinsic value. Sure. So this house,

is the last thing I donate publicly where I want credit. I've grown. I still continue to give to charity. We gave a lot of money to Comedy Gives Back. A lot. I see them and they're like, cool. But I've learned. Okay, okay. That's very cool. I'm very impressed. So this is the final...

gift okay out loud I'll still give but not out loud where do you want to you can take this you want to take it to your place you can take it oh yeah fuck yeah alright what does it say on it read it

Tampa Bay Buccaneers holiday home build Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura Thank you for your incredible generous donation. You have truly made a difference in the Tampa Bay community Bert Kreischer you my friend are one of the funniest comedians we've ever had Ever grace the stages of the Emily arena Tom Segura be playing the Emily in March March that shows probably Yeah, I think it's gonna be in the round sold more tickets than me, but whatever I grew up there Go fuck yourself, Tampa

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Habitat for Humanity. That's awesome. That's very nice. That's really cool. Thanks, Bucks. I learned a very valuable lesson in this, is charity can be done silently. Well, then that's a very cool thing that you grew. Yeah, I grew in this whole process. Yeah. So I feel really good about myself. Let's go back to what price point you would need to shit on your face. Okay. Yeah.

So 25 million. Yeah. Obviously. Obviously 25. All right. Let's cut it down. Okay. $10 million. $10 million. I shit on my face. I throw up for a little bit. It's $10 million. It's $10 million. I shit on my face. Yes. Okay. A million. A million. No taxes. Just a nice cool mill. Cool mill. Cool mill. It takes fucking 20 seconds. A million dollars. I shit on my face. Yeah. All right. A million dollars. I shit on my face. $250,000. $250,000.

No. Really? Okay, keep going up though. $400,000. No. $500,000. No. $750,000. $750,000. $750,000. I'll shit on my face. You know there's enough billionaires out there that if one of them has a... Make it happen. Make it happen. You want a private video? I'll say, stay away from oranges on your trip to Venezuela and I'll shit on my face for $750,000 and I'll give it to charity. Wow. Wow.

Now that's incentive. Can somebody send this to Mark Cuban? Mark Cuban. If you're listening, I will. My name is Bert Kreischer. I'm a stand-up comedian. I'm going to shit my hand and wipe it on my face. And then I'm going to say, Mark Cuban has been generous enough to donate $750,000 to Habitat for Humanity.

Mark, you could do a lot of change in the Dallas area. Yeah, man. And I will shit my hand and wipe it on my face. What's your price point? Mark, let's really make a change in the Dallas area. Yeah. A million dollars of your shit in your face? Yeah. You donated to charity. Sure. Sure. Yeah. Yes. Fuck. I can't believe you. Yeah. Yeah. But here's the catch, Mark. Here's the catch. You got to be in the room with us. You got to be in the room and you cover the taxes. You know how that works. Yeah. You cover the taxes. Yeah. Yeah.

I bet he's that's 1.75 million dollars to charity. We will shit in our hands do it how like We don't put it near our mouths and our noses right and we wipe it across our foreheads I think he's got a rub it over your face like Martin did here's the real the real trouble is gonna be having a solid shit like Martin Big difference the real trouble is I shitting at the same time We've got to time our meals out for like a week and get in sync like women's do with their period. Oh

and then get our shits down and then we gotta get Mark Cuban in the room and then I'm like I'm gonna call you that week are you ready? and you're like no I'm like you gotta go now and I'm like I'm not ready you start giving yourself hemorrhoids I bet there's someone that has more money than Mark Cuban that can really get Mark Cuban to shit in his hand and wipe it on his face that would take an enormous sum of money Warren Buffet

Yeah, I mean, if Warren Buffett's like, Mark, you know something? I'm getting up there, and one thing I haven't seen. Yeah, why are you $6 billion? What if we could change a country? With the shit on the face? What if we could change a country? Oh, God.

But me, you, and Mark Cuban shitting in our hands and wiping it on our face. Mark is not in, bro. Mark's a fucking... He's a business man. He's a fun guy. He's a business man, yeah. Okay. But, okay, what if... Because you know someone would pony up that money to see Mark Cuban shit on his hand. Do you know how much money you have to give Mark Cuban for him to be like, yeah, that's worth it? No, you just got to pull his heartstrings. He's just going to be like, let's just do the donation. Like, let's just figure this out. I don't want to shit in my hand.

Oh, fuck. I have a lot of things going on. I don't need to do this. How much to lodge it in my head? He's like, I do business. I know that's not how this works. I'm one of the mavericks, guys. It's going to be hard for me to sit in court side. Everyone's going to be like, why'd you do that? He's like, I don't know. He's going to be like, the billionaire shouldn't have said that. There's no need for him to do that. That is brutal. Everyone will be like, no, you shouldn't have said that one time.

It was for charity, though. There's probably, there's definitely a...

There's a billionaire who's into that for sure. You know there's got to be a billionaire that's like hearing this and takes his money. He's not American. Pull up the list of the fucking, the world's wealthiest 400 people. There's definitely some creeps out there. Real time billionaires. Oh, I'm going to throw up. Elon Musk.

You know he'd be into that he'd be into it he'd be into it so you guys gonna shit your hands See I think I think Sergei's kind of fun. I think he might be into it That's what I thought. Let's go to 11 here. We've got to get to the foreigners They're the ones that are yeah, I'm not gonna do it. He's running for president Who is a what is it Mukesh? Bonnie, what's this guy all about?

How did he make his money? Oh, yeah. He's in, bro. Let's see how he made his fucking money. Mukesh Ambani. Yeah. Let's see here. He chairs and runs the $110 billion Reliance Industries, which has interest in petrochemicals, oil and gas, telecom. We learned this on a past episode, everybody. India is only good for one thing, and it's fucking oil. Yep.

Mukesh, I think you're in the list. I think he was sitting next to me at fucking Eddie V's last night. Really? I think so. Mr. Ambani? He was walking around like he owned the place. His hair's gone a little gray, though. Yeah, did he have shit all over his face? Mukesh Ambani. Yeah, okay. Can someone that works with Mukesh please get this video? Can you get this to Mukesh? Go back to the list, please.

We're going to make our way down. We're going to foreigners only. Slim, I don't think, is in. Ortega. He's on. It looks like he's getting up. He's at 87. Oh, he's got to put that on his bucket list. Come on. Let's send a message to Amancio Ortega. Sir, senor, if you would like to donate a large sum of money. Caca en la cabeza. Caca en la facha. Okay.

Oh, how about Gautam Adani? Oh, Gautam Adani. He might be into it. He's in India also. Michael Dell is here in town also. For real? Yeah, he lives here. I've got to shit all just this talking of shit. The Waltons. Yeah, they really have some crazy talent. That's crazy. Rob Walton and Jim Walton. And Alice Walton. They're all billionaires. And they open to Walmart? Well, their dad.

For real? Yeah. What a cheat code. Yeah. They should make them earn it. Yeah. Like, I bet they just stepped in, like, in that great show, Succession. Who's this fucking guy? Nothing. David Tompkins. Zong Sharasta. That's the thing is, like, I think we're either going to get it with a really old guy or a really young guy. Oh, it's going to be a young guy. A guy that parties and gets it. Zong might be in. Zong's in. Let's send it to Zong, sir.

$59 billion. You could totally get this video, sir. He would not miss 1.75. Not at all. Throw in another 1 million for Mark Cuban. Yeah. That was fucking tuna. Now, here's the thing. Charles Koch, that's one of the biggest... Kulan Wang. Kulan Wang. No, but Koch, here's the thing. Koch is a super right-wing guy. I know the Kochs. And maybe he's into like... I know the Kochs. How do I know the Kochs? ...kinky shit, you know? I know the Kochs. Well, it's...

Or do they say Coke? They say Coke, right? Is it Coke? Coke. Yeah, it's Coke. They have so much money, they change their name to Coke. They make you pronounce it different.

Kulan Wang. You mean to tell me that Kulan Wang wouldn't entertain this idea? Dude, he's cool. He parties. He gets it. He's younger than us. Yeah, dude. Look at that expression. He's like, I got two white guys with shit on their face today. Looks like somebody just told him. You know he'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it again. I'll give you another million. He's like, you did what? How great would we get if we got Kulan Wang fucking high on coke in a fucking Vegas penthouse and he just has a...

Just other big Asian dudes with hogs holding briefcases going do it again. Do it again. Keep shitting. Mr. Quang's going to jerk off now. Watch. Okay. What's the, who else? Dieter Schwartz. Dieter Schwartz. Their people are into that. That's right. He's German. Dieter. How about Zhang Yiming and Projago Pangestu?

Yeah, at least, see? Oh, that's Bezos' ex right there, Mackenzie Scott. Shut up. She might be bored. She's just Jeff Bezos' ex, and she's a billionaire? Well, yeah, that's the divorce settlement. All right. $41 billion. You would be shocked. I'd let Jeff Bezos smear his shit on my face. Ha ha ha!

And that's an offer, Jeff. Yeah. Yeah, that's just Amazon shares, buddy. Shut up. Phil Knight. Yeah, he's still kicking it. The fucking coach. No, it's not the coach. No, no, Nike founder. Who's Phil Knight? Who am I thinking of? You're thinking of Bob Knight. I'm thinking of Phil Jackson. Oh, okay. Giovanni Ferrero, Italians. They might be into it. Mark Matesic? I think I went to high school with that guy. He's 31. No, I didn't. John Mars. Mark, he was thinking, Mark Matesic's...

is not only 31, the source of the money is Red Bull. They always are into some wild shit. They do weird stunts, fly a fucking helicopter with a bike that lands on a mountaintop. How about a couple of shit rubs? Red Bull gives you wings, wipe shit on her face. Wipe shit on her face.

That's a great campaign for Red Bull, and it all goes to charity. Do you think we could bounce back with our comedy careers after we wipe shit on our face? Fine, absolutely. Yeah, right? It's our brand. It's totally on brand. It'd be tough for Mark Cuban to bounce back. Ken Griffey Jr. No. Ken Griffey Jr. is a fucking billionaire? No, that's Ken Griffin. Oh. Hedge funds. Jesus Christ. The Wertheimers, what do they own, a haberdashery? I don't know. They both have the hats. They both have the hats.

That's kind of they're both dressed like German villains in the 30s. They're fucking heirs of Chanel I mean is that perfume the brand you know the luxury they do with it Chanel is like yeah It is a luxury brand. I mean it's clothes and bags and how do we go from selling merch to luxury brands? I don't know I really am I'm not sure but I think there's somebody on this list that can see the upside of Participating in this come on fucking Li Ka Shing. You know what's up, dude? I?

Klaus Michael Kuhn. He's in Shiv Nadar. Do you think there's a billionaire that really listens? It's like, please don't say my name. Please don't say my name. Yeah, William Ding. William Ding. Dude, there's so many people on this list. And Gina. Gina, she doesn't have that much going on. I mean, you got money, but what was the last time you had a guy offering you some money? Gina Reinhart, I see the red mark going down. You're losing billions. We can help your mining company in Australia.

And all you got to, and dude, Australians are wild people. Fun people. They drink beer out of shoes. You know she wants to see someone's shit on their face. Come on. It's a fucking, it's a nickel for you. How much to wipe your wife's shit on your face? Same. I'd do it. Yeah. Quicker probably. Not your wife, my wife. Abigail Johnson, I know her. You know her? No, but what's she do? Fidelity. Oh, I don't know her.

That picture, she's 62? I wonder who the dog in this group is, where they make fun of them. They're like, yeah, but you own Walmart. How is she 62? She looks good for 62. Yeah. Abigail Johnson can get it. Oh, her dad was the chairman. Okay. I bet she reads books. Yeah, she's not interested. She's not interested in the pitch. There's no way Abigail Johnson would let us shit in her hands and wipe it on her face. That's right.

Abigail Johnson looks like the kind of person that looks at that and goes, no. Most people are in that category. Abigail Johnson's like, fuck no. I just want one video of one billionaire hearing our offer and going, what's in it for me? About Low Truck Kwong. Oh, I thought that was a trucking company. I thought he did tow trucks. Come on, Low. Low Truck Kwong.

Big low. German Laria Moda Velasco. German. Fucking. Oh, is that how you say it? Yeah. What's that in English? Like maybe Herman. His name's Herman? Yeah. Herman.

I'm telling you, you know that the mining... Let's go through this. We need to get a mining fucking... We need to get into mining. Yeah. Well, I don't know what the fuck we're doing launching a vodka. You don't see one fucking vodka company up there. No, you don't. You see all mining companies. Scroll down. We need a fucking mining company. How much do you invest in a mining company? Cheese? Cheese. Hold on. Emmanuel. Oh, that would be great for his cheese company. My cheese doesn't back you up. These two guys can shit in their hands and wipe it on their face. Emmanuel Bassel.

The largest dairy farm with $2 billion in sales. Jesus. How much? So that's kind of a no-brainer business. You buy a couple cows and you just wait it out. You wait it out. And they keep having babies, keep having babies, keep having babies. Keep making cheese, keep making cheese. Do you think if you put your dick in one of those milking things that you cum? What? You know when they milk cows with now? Oh, those like, yeah, they're just like fleshlights. Yeah. Yeah.

- Probably. - You think there's gotta be a dairy farmer that's tried it. - You've seen the videos of the chicks doing it to horses, right? And they're always like laughing. - Pull it up. - You've never seen that? - Nope. I've seen a horse come. - Where? - Just all over the back of another horse.

They tie their tail over to the side. Uh-huh cuz I guess they maybe they were trying to know it was during a TV show There's like on these farm. They got us. They have a Mexican dude stroking the horse's cock to keep it hard Yeah, yeah, I was like don't shake hands with that guy and then they bring it out and the fucking they tie the horse's Tail to the side and the pussy is throbbing. It's like this Uh-huh. Yeah, and then the guy the horse gets on it literally three pumps and it's just on blasts. Yeah. Whoa

Look at Raven. It's hot, right? Wait, show, I want to see hand and horse. Yeah. Man, that's how you're supposed to come. Right? Horses come probably, what's the, Can you find a video of an actual, when they're, when they have the device with the horse, you know what I mean? Why are they doing this? Just to like relax the horse?

Yeah, I guess so. He hasn't slept in a while. He just got done doing morning radio. They usually have the... He's just exhausted. Long ride this morning. Who decides the horse needs to come? I think she just loves that horse. You think? Yeah, she's just taking care of him.

wait are we supposed to be doing that to our animals yeah don't you have any pets yes but i'm not jacking mac off why not how big is he 150 pounds dude that'd be rad he's got a hog does he yeah big balls or you had them well they're gone they're gone took all our balls yours too mine are gone too that's crazy you can jack off a horse and no one says anything they're just like that's a great farmer yeah no yeah they're it's unreal right

I think they used to make people drink horse cum on Fear Factor. Really? Yeah. Horse cum? That's crazy. That's crazy. I'm stuck on the fact, I keep going back to this, things have changed so much. Yeah? You can't drink horse cum on television anymore. And that was like Monday night. Yeah, NBC, right? Monday night on NBC, people would drink horse cum. Insane. And for $25,000. And we're at a cool 1.75 to wipe shit on our face. Hmm.

I bet there's people in this country that would do it for less. For sure. Without a doubt. Yeah, of course. If you're struggling and somebody's like, hey, I got a proposal for you. Oh, yeah, there's girls that suck dick for crack, so I'm sure they'd wipe shit on their face. Yeah, or for $200, people do shit like that? Yeah. That's crazy. That should be a game show. How much will you? Wipe shit on your face for. We're about to find out when Cool Rick emails Rogan back. We asked him to eat it. That's another level.

I hope he doesn't see this. And then he writes back, my price is 1.75. And I need Mark Cuban in the room. You know, this list we were talking about is pretty interesting. The five best. What's that? Oh, there's five. It goes back to what you can't do in movies anymore. Right. Like you cannot have a girl jerk off two actors. That's no, no, no. They have intimacy coaches and they would never go. Maybe, but maybe in France or Italy it would.

in Europe somewhere for sure we do more foreign films what I mean why don't we don't who you mean we and you should be doing foreign films like that yeah so I got booked a role I get jerked off by a French chick in a bed with Tom what's it about I don't know 1900s it's a period piece but like they like what I'm obsessed with I'm obsessed with it and is Leonardo DiCaprio was by far the best special needs actor ever

When he did Gilbert Grape. He's better than anyone I've ever seen. I wonder what it is about that performance that is... The dirt on his lips. That's what you buy? The dirt on his face. The dirt. He, I... Because that's a rough one. And that was, you know, the big joke, right? Everybody ended up talking about it was in Tropic Thunder.

Right? The Simple Jack thing. Simple Jack made me laugh so fucking hard. It's hilarious. Couldn't make that movie anymore. That whole, for sure. But that whole conversation was, you can't go too far. Yeah. And then Robert Downey Jr.'s character is telling Ben Stiller, who's playing that actor, he's like, you can't go all the way. If you go full, yeah, R worded, then... Redskin. Full redskin, then...

Then, and then he, and then he gave, he actually gave real examples, right? He goes, remember he goes, Sean Penn. Pull them up, pull up all the actors who played special needs people. Because now what's crazy is they did it and life goes on. They hired Corky who was a special needs person. So my question to you, Tom, is top five special needs actors playing a special needs person, top five actors playing a,

great special needs people where it's believable and then top five who really didn't miss the mark and I have number one in my head right now. Okay, so Tom Hanks did Forrest Gump which is an iconic character. Did he win for that? Did he win an Oscar? Yeah, I think so. Do you know? And then, let's see. So yeah, Dustin Hoffman did

Tootsie. No, he did Rain Man. Sorry. Rain Man. Sorry. Rain Man was. You couldn't do Tootsie anymore. But Rain Man was iconic. That didn't that. Girlfriend got canceled. My wife got canceled for it because she was going to play a trans woman.

This is the one that they referenced in the movie. I am Sam. Sean Penn went full. He went full throttle. Can you just pull a clip of Sean Penn going full? On I am Sam? I want to see if it's as bad as Rosie O'Donnell. Have you ever seen Rosie O'Donnell? Yes. Rosie rides the bus? Yes. And she missed the mark.

So is it down to nuance, you think? I think that she didn't spend enough time with him. Really? I think you gotta, because like Giovanna Ribisi and Juliette Lewis had, they did My Sister Something and My Sister's Wedding or something. And Giovanna Ribisi was believable. He was really good. And she was pretty good. She was pretty good. And I would argue that,

She was better than that than any other role she's ever done. She's awesome. I mean, she's fucking great. She's fucking amazing, but she really kind of killed it. But she didn't go like... She just had a hint of it. Well, that's the whole... This is I Am Sam. Do we need headsets? Do we need headsets? No? No. Okay. I don't hear anything. I haven't had a lot of time to think about what it is that makes somebody a good parent. And it's about...

constancy, and it's about patience, and it's about listening, and it's about... Can I say something here? I think he didn't go far enough watching this clip. Yeah, I don't think he did too bad. It's about love. No, I mean, I don't think he's... See, Billy has a home with me. I think he's... And I made it the best I could. Touched enough. And it's not perfect. Yeah, I don't think he's...

And I'm not a perfect parent. And sometimes I don't have enough patience. Okay, play Gilbert Grape. Leo is the best one.

Leo is the best. This is his best acting role, in my opinion, that he's ever done. I mean, hold on. Hang on. So, okay. Okay, I'm going to pick apart what was wrong with Sean Penn's. Okay. His hair looked good. Right. Their hair never looks good. I mean, you know what I mean. It's like, I'm just saying, look, I follow a lot of special needs people who's like, sister's hot, and then she takes care of her brother.

well, is this bad to say? Whatever, I follow. And then they're like, her brother's a Raiders fan and they get him Raiders gear and he gets excited. But like, Leo's hair in this is like,

The hair is important. Yeah. And Sean Penn's hair was perfect in that. He looked like a model in it. That hair was really good. Yeah. So he has a fucking combed up hairdo. Look at Leo. Oh, look at fucking Leo. So good. And what is he, 16 here? Oh, I bet he's even younger. If we're going to have people come that early, we should have some appetizers. Oh, yeah, that'd be good. You know those little vinaigrette sausage things? You think she's still around? She just died. She did? Yeah.

Oh, okay, Dad.

- Ellen. - Dad's dead. - Arnie. - Dad's dead. - Arnie. - Arnie. - Dad's dead. - Okay. - Dad's dead. - Stop it now. - Arnie. - Dad's dead. - He's got, can you imagine? He's embodied, he's embodied a, like he sincerely embodies that character. - Imagine being in the room and with him at this age and being like, you're so good at this, you're gonna fuck top shelf pussy for the rest of your life.

Like they're going to age out at you when they're 25. Isn't that unbelievable? If you had said one person in that thing was going to be known as the greatest actor in our generation, you would never say, actually it's two of them.

Johnny Depp and Leonardo DiCaprio. Johnny Depp is gorgeous. His hair is perfect. Cuba Gooding was radio. Oh my God. Pull up radio. Billy Bob Thornton. Swing blade. Swing blade. Swing blade's a bad motherfucker. That's one of the best ones. That's one of the best. So what is it that makes it pull up his haircut in Sling Blade? Who's John Bane? Who's John Bane? I don't know, but he looks halfway there. I know, but I bet he's a sleeper one. Hard son. Adrian Brody. When did Adrian Brody...

I don't know. He's done it all. The Village? Malkovich.

Yeah, he was a Mice and Men. John Malkovich. He's definitely top five. Oh, fuck. How do you compete with John Malkovich? No wonder they all wanted to do it. John Malkovich is a real actor. And they're like, it's just what everyone in Hollywood does. Someone does something great and they go, I want to do that. I want to do that. Pull up fucking Lenny from Mice and Men. I want to pet the rabbits. I want to pet the rabbits. Fuck, I love this. Tell me about the alfalfa, George. Gary Sinise is gorgeous.

It's in the eyes, too, man. Yeah. It's in the eyes. See how lost he looks? Good blinking. Oh, my God. I cried in class when I saw that. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going to cry right now. Yeah. Guys like us, they got no family. And they ain't got nobody in the world who gives a hoot and hell about us. But not us. That's it, George. But not us. Tell about us now. It sounds exactly what my boy's calling out. Because I got you. And I got you, George. That's what gives a hoot and hell about us.

But tell now how it's going to be. We're going to get a little place. Okay. Yeah. We're going to get a little place, and we're going to have a cow, some pigs, and we're going to have maybe a chicken. Down the flat, we'll have a little field. The alfalfa for the rabbits. The rabbits. And I get to tend the rabbits. Oh, fuck. We should redo this scene for the podcast. I'm crying. I know. I'm Lenny. Yeah. I'm definitely Lenny. Yeah.

And that's me right there. I'm like, fuck. I can't believe I finally did it. Every fucking actor saw this scene and said, I want to play a special needs person. Oh, yeah. That's one of the best scenes. I cried in ninth grade when we watched it in class. That's one of the best scenes in a movie. I want to feed the rabbits. It's a great movie. Great book. It's a book? I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

God damn it. Yeah. That's fucking... So then you can't cry when you see Sean Penn because his hair is too good. Yeah. And he's doing too much. He's doing too much with his hands. God damn it. Do you think special needs parents were bothered by that movie? Like, do you think... Which one? Which movie? I'm certain that's what... I Am Sam? No. I mean, like, do you think, like... So they stopped doing that because...

special needs parents were like yo that's not my kid right right right you're not doing my kid like so that's the threshold it's like it's like uh it's like uh it's like it's like that's a bad analogy but it's like uh it's like white guys who can say get away with saying the n-word like black guys there's certain white guys that say it and black guys go he's it's cool and so there's certain roles certain actors that when they play that character

The parents, that's who would be outraged. The parents go, no, now you're making a mockery of it. And when you watch Lenny of Mice and Men, you're so lost in that scene that you go, and then when you watch Arnie, you're like, oh my God. But then when you see radio, you're like, that's not my kid. Too much. It's too much. You're like, you can't say the N word. Yeah, now you're just saying it on stage to say it, get away with it. Right, right, right. And so who are the worst ones that played it?

Well, you said Rosie. Have you ever seen Rosie O'Donnell? I don't remember. Type on Rosie rides the bus. This is the opposite of crying. This is so bad. This is like if... I'm excited. Is that bad? If Ted Danson's worried about that blackface video. Oh, shit. I just spilled my coffee. Okay. It's all right. Okay. Hold on. She's dressed like Velma. I'm first. Who's racing? You're second.

You know you're always first with me, Beth. Every day you are first person on my bus. Yeah. You should kill somebody to get on first. I wouldn't. I wouldn't kill. He's got no place to go, just rides around all day. So? It's a free country. I'm a person. I buy my bus pass for 40 bucks and I'm first always, so that's why I'm first. Yeah, you do it on the government dole. I want you to do something useful in your life. Okay, Henry. Where is Beth going today?

i'm gonna go to elma now i'm gonna catch a buzz with rick uh rick buzz with rick no he has a green card he's cute the green green card is cute i think he's gonna take me for a ride in it how much your boyfriend how much okay two things shoot some of the performances that are amazing are also in amazing stories

Of Mice and Men. Gilbert Grave. Gilbert Rain Man. The Sling Blade. Forrest Gump. So that's going to color it too. Like this, I don't know what this is, but I don't think it's that level of a story. Yeah, so I think what they were doing. It plays a big part in it. You know what it is? It's them going like, you're going to be an action hero.

and everyone goes i want to be an action hero of course and they're like well in this one you're an action hero who gets amnesia and you're like i think i've heard that story before yeah yeah but your ego takes part of it and you go i just want to be an action hero that's what's happening i think they all wanted oscars they're all that want an oscar they all wanted an oscar that was called rosie rides the bus i don't know if it's that's what it's saved as in my phone i watch it a lot you watch that a lot it just makes me creeps me out and reminds me i'm not doing that bad

because i watch that and i go your special is pretty good it's not riding right riding the bus with my sister oh oh it's a tv film so you could tell it so it's a hallmark oh oh i'll tell you what did she did she get nominated for like a emmy or something or razzy maybe really there's gotta be like there's got to be like a critical yeah scroll down scroll down it's got to be like differences from the book oh you couldn't see her reception okay okay oh the film received negative reviews

Over the top. Over the top. Peewee Herman, it said. He did sound like Opie and Anthony said that. Going to buy a hat. Simon said it's poignant, moving, powerful film. Okay. It was a rating success, but okay. Yeah.

What sucks is I feel bad for, because you know they, I'm certain they probably got a couple special needs families and then was like, we want you guys on set and we want you to be at the premiere. And some poor fucking family had to sit through a premiere.

of that. Or how about being on set when they're like, hey, bud. And then, and Rosie's like, hey, you guys want a Snickers or something? Right there. It's crafty. And then she's like, I gotta shoot my scene now. And they're like, oh, fuck. Like, that's so uncomfortable to like for the kid to see in front of him. And he's like, oh, I don't talk like that. Yeah. You know? Yeah. They're like, I'm always first. What about the best? Cause,

Johnny Knoxville had a ton of great special needs actors in his movie. He did. Which, by the way, I still think The Ringer is one of the funniest fucking movies. It's great. And it's funny because it's, I think the Farley Brothers did it, right? The Farley Brothers? Yeah. Was it Farley? Yeah. I don't remember. I don't remember. But I see outtakes of that all the time because apparently it was all special needs actors in it.

And that was the very beginning of inclusion. Except, what's the actor, the hearing impaired actress, that's like an Oscar winner? Madeline Albright. Not Madeline Albright. Madeline Albright. Not Madeline Albright. I just listened to a documentary about her today. Arlene Arlen. Arlene Arlen. Arlene Arlen. I'm close. Mary Arlen. It's Mary. Mary Madeline Arlen.

There you go. Marlene Madeline. I knew I was close. Yeah. Marlene Madeline, but she only plays deaf people. But she's deaf. Yeah, but she doesn't do... Oh, I guess she couldn't. You realize what I'm thinking? I was like... I mean, she only does deaf people. Yeah. This guy, she's deaf. She's deaf. She can't... She can't... Is she...

In my head I was like, she hasn't done any just regular hearing people. Right. Because she can't. I think she has. No. Yeah. No. Yes, she's played full hearing parts before. No. Yes. No, but she still sounds deaf when she talks. All right. But she has to play a deaf person. I think she's played characters. Lou Ferrigno's deaf. Yeah, yeah. The Hulk's not. Hold on, hold on. Play Marlee Matlin talking.

She, cause she sounds deaf, right? I don't remember the one movie she played in the swimming pool. Are we going to get canceled for this? No. I don't think so either. Okay. We're joined by Marley's interpreter, producing partner, Jack Jason. Good to see you again. Nice to see you too. On with a guest host, but we have known each other for a long time. Do you remember where we met? We met. Yeah. She doesn't talk. No, she talks. No, she doesn't talk. She's just doing that here. She talks. She's not doing that. Why would she do that there? She doesn't talk.

Okay, hold on. Yeah, she doesn't talk, Tom. Because why wouldn't she just talk there? Well, then I'm thinking of someone else. By the way, she does fucking sign language hot as fuck. Yeah. Okay, hold on. Speaking with her voice. There you go. This is not a great quality video.

she said kiss my ass no she kicked my ass oh yeah she's not gonna play like a they're not gonna have her in a role and not mention that she's deaf because everyone's like what's up with the doctor the doctor's eating during the surgery

Okay, we should wrap this up. We gotta clean up the coffee. Wait, hold on. Play up Family Guy and Marlee Matlin. Paper towels. I just want to see them. Great, we'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling movie phone. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.

The Nast Mimty. I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now. The Nast Mimty. You have selected 300. As bad as you think we might have gotten on this episode, we're never as bad as Family Guy. No! You have confirmed 300.

Fucking Seth MacFarlane. I'd love to have dinner with him. Have you ever met that guy? No. Do you think he's cool? Yes. For real? Yeah. I would love to fucking... I would love to sit... He has a great sense of humor. ...and talk to their writers and hear all the jokes that didn't make it. But I heard he's really great at when you're stuck on story and just bang, bang, putting it together. He's a genius at that shit. Family Guy is...

Okay, let's wrap this up. Top five animated shows. It's got to be Family Guy, Simpsons. South Park. They're the best. Why are they so good? Those guys are amazing. But why are they so good? You know I sat on a plane next to Trey Parker one time. How'd that go? Trey's a curly-haired one. No. I sat next to Matt Stone one time. Uh-huh.

I'm going to give you one guess to tell, one guess. What do you think I did on a plane next to Matt Parker? Oh, you're the greatest. You're the best. I love your show. You're awesome. I'll give you one more guess. You told him who you were. You told him the machine story? Boom. You did? I didn't know he was Matt Parker.

Or Matt Stone. I didn't know he was Matt Stone. And I sat next to him and I said, so what do you do? I was drinking pretty aggressively. And he was like, I'm a writer, comedy writer. And I went, oh, I'm a comedian. He was like, oh, cool. He was really kind. Like he was like, he did the thing where he just didn't tell me about himself. He did the thing you do. And then I did the Burt thing. I was like, I'm a pretty big deal. And he was like, really? I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like.

He was like, tell me where I can find some of your stuff. And they, at that time, Become My Minions had animated me in a South Park video. Like they used South Park to animate the machine story. And I think I showed it to him. And he was like, hey, I showed a South Park video to the creator of South Park. You didn't know. About my fucking story. How did you figure out who it was? I figured it out.

At baggage claim, someone was like, the fucking South Park guy sat next to you. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I just told him the machine story, showed him the South Park video, and was like, wasn't that cool? Those South Park guys really kill it.

Yeah, that's a perfect, that's a perfect ending. That's one of the ones I take back because I didn't know who it was. And I just like a fucking idiot. How often if you meet somebody now, do you tell them, do you legit in person be like, bring up the Machine story? Oh, not now. Back then I did a lot. A lot. I mean, I did do it to George R. R. Martin the other day. But I do like, I'll do it like, I got recognized at the concert once.

It's like sometimes the communication is, I can skinny it up if you let me. So this girl comes up and she's like, hey. And I was like, hey. She's with her friend. They're both pretty fucking drunk.

I was like, hey. She goes, how are you doing? And I said, good. And she goes, I know you. And I went, I don't think so. She goes, we went to school together, grade school together. And I said, no. She goes, you're from Denver. And I said, no. She goes, yeah, you're from, where are you from? How do I know you? And I said, I'm famous. She went, no, you're not. And I went, okay, I'm not. And she went, no, where are you from? And I said, Tampa. She goes, no, I know you. And I said, you know me because...

I'm famous. And she went, you're not fucking famous. And then her friend turned around and goes, I don't know who the fuck you are. That's cool. And then I was like, okay. I was like, I didn't start this, guys. And then the girl goes, he's not fucking famous. And she goes, what makes you famous? And I go, well, I'll tell you the fact that you think we grew up together is the reason I can tell you that I'm famous. Because you've seen me before. You don't know where.

and I'll tell you in a second, and you're going to know. And she went, who are you? And I said, I got involved with the Russian mafia and robbed a train. And she goes, oh, you're the shirtless comedian. And I went, yeah. And she goes, oh, shut the fuck up. And then she took her friend, she goes, that's Bert Kreischer. And then her friend goes, oh, I know who you are. And I was like, yeah, why the fuck wouldn't you just have been nice at the beginning when you thought we went to fucking grade school together? I'm not from fucking Denver. I swear to God, I'm not saying that like, I'm not saying that like I would ever be a serial killer, but if I was going to be,

I would have a good defense in that one. Yeah. Good. I've been like, it was exhausting. I just killed both of them and put them in the refrigerator. Yeah. Okay. You're on around famous. You're on famous. Okay. Um, we got to wrap. Thank you to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for sending the trophy. Hey, uh,

Matt Parker and Trey Stone have a ton of fucking money. Trey Parker and Matt Parker and Trey Stone. Yeah. Have a ton of fucking money. Oh, they might be into shitting on your gentlemen. If you're just getting this, it's Bert Kreischer. I sat next to you on a plane one time, showed you my South Park video of my machine story. You know who I am. 1.75 million is what we're looking for. 1.75 million for me and Tom to wipe shit on our faces.

and donate it to charity. I guarantee you that's pissing money. They just brought Casa Bonita. They just bought Casa Bonita as a lark. As a lark. First commercial break, you make your fucking 1.75. Let's talk. Let's talk. We'll wipe shit on our face and you can donate that money to charity. Mark Cuban's going to be in the room.

It's going to be great. Right now they're going, hold on, Mark Cuban, you're listening. You're listening to the whole episode, gentlemen. Thanks for listening to the South Park guys. We're big fans too. Thank you. Mark Cuban, all you billionaires, we got mad respect for you. And special needs actually go all the way. I think we did a really good job representing special needs people today. I think we did. And I would say it was touch and go with deaf people. Yeah. They're not listening. Overall, it was great.

By the way, if you show this to Marlene Madeline with the fucking subtext, you're a cunt, okay? Yeah. Just don't show it to her. Show it to her. Or show it to her. Yeah, show it to her. All right. Bye. Love you. Bye. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top to swat, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.