The Dark Side of Clean Comedy w/ Sam Morril | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 208
01:27:45 Share

This week on Two Bears, One Cave. Do you mind? Can you titty fuck elsewhere? Can you not? You remember finger fucking on the handball courts? The guy really is just passionate about sports. I don't think he's a bad guy. Yeah, he's probably a great man. 100% Excuse.

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Burt is having a heart surgery this week. And while he's in recovery, we are so happy that Sam Murill is here, everybody. Don't forget that you can see Sam at the theater at Madison Square Garden on November 4th. Get tickets at sammurill.com. You can also listen to his podcast, We Might Be Drunk, with the great Mark Norman. And his latest special, Same Time Tomorrow, is currently streaming on Netflix.

That's a lot of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty cool. Dude, you're doing the fucking garden. I know. I'm nervous and pumped, but yeah, that's like, I'm a 90s Knicks kid, so that's, and I still go to a shitload of Knicks games. Yeah, you're like a legit fan. I love the Knicks more than any. Is that your number one? Yeah, I mean, I'm a New York sports fan, but the Knicks are like up here. Were you in the city growing up? Were you in Manhattan? I was in Manhattan. Yeah, I always feel like, I don't know, that's like kind of the coolest thing ever.

To hear... Like, when you're a kid and you're living in, like, the Midwest and you meet a kid who's like, I live in New York. You're like, what the fuck? That sounds like make-believe. I love it. Yeah, it was the best. I had a good childhood. Yeah. I mean, the 90s Knicks were the coolest shit I've ever seen. And they never won, but it didn't matter. It's not about winning. It's about losing the way they lost. It was like, they'd still fuck you up. I remember it because I was...

I was heaviest into the NBA in that era for obvious reasons. Like it just age wise, it aligned. And it also was like the best. I mean, we were living at one point we lived in Minneapolis. So I would go to, I went to the very first Timberwolves game ever. Holy shit. Yeah. Against the Bulls. So I saw Jordan beat the, the new Timberwolves.

And then we moved to Milwaukee and I got to see, I went to a number of Bucks games, but I got to see him play there twice and win both times, of course. But so that whole era is like, that's when like the NBA was like, I used to love watching that show on the, you know, the one that Ahmad hosted. Just sucking off Michael Jordan every morning. Sucking him off every day. He was like, my best friend, Michael Jordan. Like, does he call you his best friend? Yeah, no. This feels like. But also you saw everybody.

who would talk to Michael turn into like such betas. Like the time that I flew with Mike Tyson, the one thing that I don't talk about in the bit really is that when he sat down and I saw him, these two guys, these two just like older white guys were like,

how you doing Mike? And they just start, you can just see, they were like, I own a car dealership. If you ever want a car, you know, I'll give it to you. And like the other guy was like, I have a restaurant. If you want to eat forever, you know, they just start like, they don't know what to do. I get it. Cause you kind of want to just like, you just want them to like you. That's it. Cause it's celebrity plus you could beat the shit out of them. Yeah. And you're just like, and you're just like, I, you're going, I acknowledge that you're a better man. You know, you're like, you're just signing off on it right away. You're better than me. Is there anything I could do? I,

I know. To make you happy. I met Jalen Brunson at a Rangers game this year. And I was with like, I brought like Gary Vita with me, Rachel Feinstein, Liz, who's the seller manager. Yeah. And we're there. And I just turned into a fucking pussy. I don't know. I'm not usually bad like this, but I went up to him. I was like, thank you so much for coming to the Knicks. And he was just like, uh-huh. And Liz had to like swoop in and be like, he's a comedian with a Netflix special. And he was like, oh, cool. And I was like, oh my God, I was blown at.

that hard that hard yeah yeah it sucked there's there's something about pro especially athletes that you like I saw Barry Sanders once and I fucking it was at an ATM it's like the last place you're supposed to approach the lions didn't pay him enough no I was like I was like I was like hey he was like look I was like you're the greatest of all time and he was like thank you and I was

And I was like, can we take a picture? I mean, I totally turned into fangirl, dude. I couldn't help it. I couldn't help it. And we have a photo where he's like, you know, thanks. That's like your face when you're with like an open mic. I was like, can I take a picture with you? And you're like.

But they were like, all right. Yeah, they were like, okay, dude. But I remember so well that Knicks era because I remember Ewing, Starks, Oakley, Mason. I loved them. Dude, that was... I even remember... Do you remember the Def Jam episode where Anthony Mason's in the crowd? No, but I heard about that. They used to all go to Caroline's and shit. Dude, and they... Whoever... Who was it? They clowned him. I mean, they obviously know he's there, but they make it seem like...

They're just clowning Anthony Mason and then the lights come on them, you know, and they would clown people so hard on that show. But it was, yeah, it was pretty epic, man. He was, I loved, I loved him so much. I shot a commercial with Oak that never came out, but it was such a bad commercial. What was the commercial for? It was just like a joke ad for Bleacher Report, but it was like,

pretty good money at the time for me and i remember being like they're like you get to shoot it with uh an nba player i was like oh who and they're like charles oakley and i was like are you fucking kidding me i loved him so yeah we spent the whole day together and i didn't i met him once before when i had a show on msg on the nix network and it was right after he got thrown out of the garden and i put the mic up to him and he just sees the msg mic and he just smacked it out of my hand and i was like

Dude, I fucking love you. I'm not, you know, I have a show on this network, but I'm a fan too. And he was like, all right, fine. So he was kind of warming up after that. And I saw him on Chopped because he cooks. That's his whole thing. He does? He's like a legitimate chef. Charles Oakley? Dude, he's part of Michael Jordan's entourage. His entourage is like...

Oakley, he's like, I'm your chef and bodyguard, essentially. Yeah, because it's known that the two of them were always super close. They're tight, yeah. So I started talking food with him. He started warming up. And then we just, he didn't remember me from that, thank God. And then I shot a commercial with him, and he was fucking cool. He was really, I was just like, man, I love the 90s Knicks, and I love basketball because of you guys. And he was like, thank you, man. So we had a good day, but he can't really act well.

And there was a child actor in it. And the kid was running circles around him. It was pretty rough to the point that like, we had to keep calling cut, cut. And the director kept babying Oakley like, you're doing great. And Oakley was like, no, I'm not. And I was like, yeah, you can't. He's used to a coach. Yeah, you can't lie to him. So I kind of went in. I was like, what if you give the kid all these lines and Oak just says yes? And he was like, yeah, that works. And Oakley was like, thanks.

So I got him like, all right, I'm directing on that. He was a legit... And you always have to think about everybody else. When you talk about how great someone is, when people talk about Jordan, right? And they're like, this is how great this guy was. You gotta remember, he's great against people who would murder everybody. If you played one-on-one against...

fucking john starks he would just destroy you right and then the worst player on his team is probably the best player in their high school totally but then everybody from that era talks about what a legit intimidator oakley was yeah and so like how intimidating must he be or must he have been in that time if those guys who are all like fucking six nine they're like buildings walking around and they're like i don't want any part of charles oakley like he must have been terrifying

Yeah, I think he just didn't give a fuck, too. Yeah, he's huge. He's like 6'9". He's a fucking handsome guy, too. He's aging well. Yeah. He looks good. Yeah. I bet he got a lot of poon in the 90s. All those guys. There's stories about him doing blow with Donald Trump in the 90s at nightclubs, and you're like, those dudes were getting a lot of ass. And there's no social media. No. No cameras on phones. No. No.

Nothing. Yeah, they're just like, you just see them and they'd be like, that was it. You'd be like, I saw that. And they'd be like, whatever. He was a man, dude. That was the era. That was the era, dude. Think about the tale that like, that like an MJ had access to. Yeah, and then they would like, there was the people that everyone on the team banged. I think the Bulls, they all fucked Madonna. Jesus. I think it was like Rodman, Pippen, and Jordan. All did? They all did.

Wouldn't you love to hear a scouting report from her after that? Because the ultimate alpha is MJ. Yeah. And I bet she's like, I mean, he's kind of laid there. I think Pippen had a bigger dick, though. Pippen supposedly fucked four times a day for 23 years or something. Yeah.

That's what his ex-wife said. Yeah, he must have cheated on her a lot. We all hear now that she's... I mean, what she's doing now is fucked up. That's scandalous, man. Fucking... It is the foulest shit that I've ever heard. That's like... Do you have an enemy that you can picture and...

But also like that was who he called auntie when he was a kid. Like he'd be like, hey auntie, you know? And she would go like, hey, I got you a Coke. You know, like it was like that relationship. It's so strange. It's so strange. Yeah. It's also, it's just weird to be Michael Jordan's son. Yeah. For people that don't know. And this is all I know about you is that you fuck Pippin's ex-wife. For people that don't know, Michael, one of Michael Jordan's sons. Marcus Jordan. Marcus.

who runs a fucking, like, the trophy room, a shoe... a fucking shoe place in Orlando. He is now engaged to Scottie Pippen's ex-wife. And Pippen and Jordan are not on good terms. Right. The fallout apparently all started during The Last Dance, right? Like, I guess, well...

Not in the making. It's like when it came out, Pippen voiced that he was not thrilled with the way it was done. Yeah, I get where he's coming from. But then also now, then Pippen, he's not subtle about it. He'll go on shows and be like, I just feel like LeBron is better than Jordan and be like, you didn't say that two years ago. Yeah. It's feeling like you're fucking pissed. And now like, holy shit, I can't imagine how much this dude hates Jordan right now. Well, this is just...

It's just strange, man. It's very strange. She's really the villain. It feels like it. I mean, what do you... I understand he cheated on you, but he was an NBA player. You know the deal. I'm not defending him, but you have an NBA star. He's going to fuck Madonna. Yeah. But then, you know, you can't fuck his enemy's son. It's really... And it's his former... Those two are linked together forever. Jordan and Pippen, you know, like that...

And you're going for his son? Yeah. It's just... It's gross. The wedding will be weird. It's going to be weird, man. It's so strange. Like, how old is she? She looks great, obviously. She looks amazing, yeah. Late 40s, probably. He's like 30, maybe, right? Probably, yeah. Early 30s? Yeah, let's see. He is 32. Okay, and how old is Larissa? Larissa. She is 49. All right.

Yeah, I mean, that's almost a 20-year age gap. Yeah. Yeah. TV personality? What TV show is she on? Is she on, like, one of those wives? God, it's like, I really resent these. Oh, she's on The Real Housewives. There you go. This is insane.

fucking pippen got fucked on his contract too i know it was like it was shit and that but then he got made up for it a little bit but yeah that's some fucking yeah and it's some dark shit too because it was because his his brother was handicapped right and his dad was sick or something and he was like i just got to take the guarantee it was just he didn't i don't know who was advising him somebody gave him shit advice but the worst part is you're watching that

that um last dance thing yeah and the owner is like he's like yeah he said he would sign him what am i supposed to do tell him that it's a horrible deal it's like hearing hessian the sopranos defend what he did to r&b groups in the 60s you're like you're a fucking bad dude it's not good man yeah it's really not good

Yeah, I don't know. For me, I really, for a while there, I lost interest completely in the NBA. Yeah. Yeah, after 2000, I was like, hmm. And now I kind of like, I've become like a casual, as they say, you know? Yeah. And like, I watch the highlights and stuff. But that, for me, that decade was just... It was epic. Yeah. For sure. No, it was, I love it still, but that decade was formative for me. The difference for me now is that...

I've gone to a few games live and I think there's no league that does the live experience better than the NBA. I agree. So like when I go to those games, I'm like, I can get really into it. I don't want to go to a football game anymore.

anymore and i know that's like sounds crazy because i love watching football i'll watch every game but like do you see what happens like there's like women beating up women there and it's not like fun catfights it's like they're like punching their fucking head in and i'm like i don't want to see a woman from cincinnati just break a baltimore woman's face i know it's it's not like hot catfighting it's like they catfight like dogs

With big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between the store and your first month's bill, the price you thought you were paying magically skyrockets. With Mint Mobile, you'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again. When Mint Mobile says $15 a month,

When you purchase a three-month plan, they mean it. There are multiple people here who have told me that they could not believe this was actually the way it is. They have signed up and they're only paying 15 bucks a month. Say bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest

5G network. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash bears. That's mintmobile.com slash bears. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash bears. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 per month. New customers are

on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details.

I know, and it's also like, I mean, look, it's what you like, but I've been to a few live, and you're just like, you're always looking like, who's above you? There's people spilling drinks. There's people like saying the wildest shit. And you know, you're like, sometimes I'm like, man, I'm glad I didn't bring my kid to this. Hearing these guys, you fucking pussy piece of shit, like screaming it. And you're like, okay, like, can we just...

Watch the game. You can't. I walk that line too because I do like when people say horrible shit at sporting events too because that's like the 90s kid in me. Sure. I remember just hearing shit where you're like, wow, you can't say that anymore. No. But-

Yeah, they started tailoring these games to families too much. I feel like sometimes we'll be at the game and it's like, oh, the fucking, the mascot's like a little, he's like Barney the dinosaur. And I'm like, I do want to see some bad language at a sporting event. Sure, yeah. I remember being at a game with my friend and it was a Knicks game where like the nose bleeds. And he was just like, dude, I'm titty fucking this girl. And this woman next to us was like, do you mind? Yeah.

I was like, that's fair. That is fair. She's with her kids. That's fair. You titty fuck elsewhere. Can you not? I was also at a Mets game once and I just heard a fucking, I heard the dad say, John Olerud strikes out looking. He goes, swing the bat, you fucking gay slur. And you're just like,

All right. I mean, that's old New York, I guess. Yeah, that's old New York. Yeah. That ain't good. I mean... And he's got a kid with him, too. Right. And it's also... The guy really is just passionate about sports. I don't think he's a bad guy. No, he's probably a great man. I don't think he's a terrible man. The worst was actually... My friend's dad was coaching in college for a while, so we would go to some college games. It was the other college students. Yeah. Because they're just...

You forget you're out of college. It's just a kid who's fucking like 19 who's getting hammered for the first time in his life. And now he's got like a cause. He's like, I'm a fucking sun devil or whatever. And, you know, he just is going to just...

if he's near you, you're just like, ah, this, we should just move sections or something. That's a, that's my only issue with like the live football game is like, no one's tailgating basketball games, right? Like this is a full day. So you're like this, that dude's had like six screwdrivers already. Yeah. Seven beers, whatever. He's in the stadium. You can't pregame that hard for a sporting event. Like, look, I pregame, I'll fucking have a few drinks, but like,

We're adults now. That's like college age crazy drinking. And it's too much for me to be around now. We were around drunks. We didn't want to be around for years just coming up in the clubs. Where you're like, this is overwhelming. Horrible. I don't want to be a hostage. It made me hate drunks so much. I know. Made me hate anybody that can't handle their alcohol. Me too. And I was drunk. And I was a self-hating drunk. But it was like, they were the worst.

And the thing I also found is that like a box seat, while, you know, so nice or whatever, it's like, you don't feel like you're at the game anymore. It's too removed. So it's like, I've sat in the box and you're just like, oh, I should just be home. I know. Fuck that. It's too removed. It's awful. We got hooked up a few times for those like courtside Knicks tickets. And I remember one time Anthony DeVito and I were behind Tracy Morgan, which is like the greatest...

That's the greatest person to sit behind. A thousand percent. He's screaming the whole game and it makes no fucking sense. I remember Michael Beasley for the Knicks was just having the game of his life. And Tracy Morgan just turns behind and looks at us and he goes, real animals eat meat. And we're like, I don't know what the fuck that means, but this is amazing. Tracy Morgan, man. Yeah, yeah. And we're just like, yeah. It's so cool to just watch a game with Tracy Morgan. You remember finger fucking on the handball courts?

That's a Tracy line. I watched him come out of the cellar once and Louis CK is walking right by him. And as they're walking by, Louis just gets off stage and Tracy goes, I hope you left some meat on that pussy for me. And Louis is like, I most certainly left some meat on that pussy for you. Yeah, absolutely. Now Tracy is like, I mean, that dude's like one of the funniest humans ever. Yeah. Just with...

just with his natural cadence and speech. You can't, I watch old 30 Rocks. I'm like, this is like insane how funny you are. I heard right after the crash happened when he was in that Walmart crash, I heard comics talking at the cellar table and I just overheard Chris Rock go, people were like, is he going to be okay? And Chris goes, of course he's going to be okay. It's not like Tracy's comedy relied on precision. Yeah.

It's the best description I've ever heard of Tracy. It's true. We were like, shit, yeah, he's going to be okay. And then I remember we were like, I hope Artie Fuqua, like, you know, we all love at the cellar. I hope he's not, he was in the crash too. I hope he didn't blow all his money on something dumb. And right as we say that, he rolls up in like a fucking Ferrari. We're like, oh, cool. All right. This will be gone soon. He must've got paid. Yeah. Yeah. I think he did pretty well. Yeah. Yeah. And Tracy, I saw Tracy. Yeah.

Like, so he was kind of off the scene for a good bit. And then when he was like, hey, he's back. I was doing one of those like amphitheater, you know, 10 comic lineup shows. And I got driven there from the hotel in like a suburban. And we pull around. I'm like, whose white Rolls Royce is that? With a driver in it. And then out steps Tracy in.

In all white. It's a driver from the Walmart crash. He's just sentenced to drive Tracy around now. That's his fucking penance. He's in all white with the most massive gold chain and huge medallion on it. I'm like, are you performing in that? He's like, of course. And then, yeah, he sweat through that thing. So it looked like he was wearing, like, it looked like he came out of the ocean, you know? It was just like stuck to his body. I was like, this is wild, dude. Yeah.

And his set was insane. Yeah, he's insane. I love the people that would go see him on...

you know when he was on SNL expecting it to be like a clean show and they're just like two minutes in they're like this is not for us oh yeah like they're just there he's like you know when you get your ass eaten on a Tuesday and you're like what and your man's drunk on the floor you step over him what's up Kevin pick yourself up and you're like what the fuck and they're like we were expecting SNL shit laughing

Yeah, he's the best. I mean, I heard it was the same shit with JB, people who would expect him to be like Leon from Curb. And you're like, yeah, watch one of his fucking stand-up sets. That's not who he is.

That when I did, did you ever do juniors in Erie? No, but that was a clean club, right? That was a clean club. Never. I tried to. That was like on my list of clubs that would hit up and they just, they never got back to me. So I first worked it as a feature. Yeah. And I remember my agent at the time was like, all right, you got it, you know, you know, whatever. It's like $100 a show. You got to work clean. And I'm like, he's like, you can do that, right? I'm like, yeah, it's like 20 minutes. I'm like, yeah. So I make it like a...

you know almost like a challenge and you're trying to like tweak words and oh don't do this bit do that bit just destroying your set dude yeah and like as you arrive by the way like they pick you up from the airport they're like hey you know it's clean right you're like yeah my agent told me and then they like drop you off at the hotel and they're like don't forget it's a clean set you're like i got it and then they pick you up and they're like don't forget you got to work clean i'm like what the fuck how many times you're gonna say this and then

You know, you first set, you do it and you're like, all right. The headline is Tracy Morgan, by the way. Well, the funny thing is, like, I got through it and they were like, all right, you know, like you did that. You're able to work clean. And I was like, hey, I don't recognize. This was at the time. I'm just middling. I'm like, I don't recognize anybody on your upcoming acts. You know, I was like, why don't you get like some.

of the New York guys and they're like, "Like who?" And I started to list people, you know, like Giraldo and Atel and, you know, just like all the guys that I know from New York. And she was like, "Are they clean?" And I was like, "No." And she was like, "Oh, then I don't want them." And I was like, "Okay." So fast forward a couple years, you know, now you're just trying to get the work you can get.

And I get the offer to go back there. And they're like, he's like, well, you know, you'd have to do like 45, do an hour clean. You think you can do that? And I again look at it like as a challenge. And I'm like, okay, like book it. So I get there and they're like, all right, don't forget, you know, you gotta be, I'm like, yeah, no, it's very clear. I know. So at one point, like after one of the shows, I get off stage and the lady's like, she's like, oh, the man, the owner wants to see you in her office. I'm like, what's up? She's like, did you say penis?

And I go, what? She's like, did you say penis on stage? And I go, yeah. I go, how do you know that? She's like, well, somebody told me. So she had like staff tattletailing. She has fucking snitches in there. I go, penis is the anatomically correct term. She was like, fine. Like she let it go. And I'm like,

All right. And then I'm sitting there with the other guy that works there. And I'm like, hey, man, what is with the degree that you guys are doing this to? And he's like, it's just what she likes. It's what she likes. And it's just important to her. And then he tells me a straight up street joke with the N-word in it. And I'm like, very cool. Does this work on stage? And I ask him, I'm like, have you ever had this somebody...

not be able like have you ever had to like like fire someone he's like oh yeah what's that guy jb smooth oh i go what happened he goes well you know we told him we told him and he was like yeah yeah i get it i get it like you know and like they go through the whole thing you know you know how to do it right he's like i know how to do it he goes like two minutes in he's like motherfucker this motherfucker that motherfucker this so he gets off stage and we're like

what what the hell and he's like what and they go we said clean he goes how am i supposed to work man and they were just like hit get out of here they just they fired him and the crowd is clearly hungry for like one curse they could give them a yeah they don't give a it's just it was her mission to make it you know what i mean like a personal mission

I don't, I've never got that. We've all done those like corporate gigs too. We'd like to like be clean. Yeah. And you're like, I got this. And then a minute in, you're like bombing. You're like, fuck it. I'm doing my, I'm doing my titty fuck chunk. Let's do this. Yeah. I was titty fucking at a football game. I had that happen the other night on stage. I'm at the cellar and a woman, I did a bit about,

going down on a woman. It wasn't even like a dirty version. It was like a pretty clean version of that. And she stood up like, this is fucking disgusting. I was like, I didn't actually do it in front of you. It's a joke. I'm not just saying I ate a pussy. And she, she and her husband get up and give me the finger and

And this is the best part is the husband tries to pull his pants down to moon me as they're getting kicked out. I'm like, you called me, you called my joke discussing. You're trying to show me your old bare ass. Yeah. They were like in their sixties. What? Yeah. It was pretty gross. Just for doing this bit. They were yellow skin, uh,

I mean like tan from the sun, not Asian. I don't mean like a fan. That was, you know what I meant. They're ill. They're ill. They're actually sick. Like cirrhosis. They're dying. Yeah. But they, no, they were fucking trash bags. It was, it's amazing. It's amazing the shit that, the inconsistency, like that guy telling you an N-word joke and then he's like, you got to be clean on stage. Casually too. He wasn't like-

I got something to show you. He was like, "Hey, you want to hear a joke?" I was like, "Okay." I was like, "This is part of your make sure you stay clean speech?" Cool. Yeah. Such a fucking- People, everyone's got their weird line. Yeah. You know? Everyone's like, I feel like everyone, especially those comedy clubs starting out there, so many of them are awesome and so many have these like weird power trips where it's like run by some guy who like quit comedy and now hates comedy. Yeah. But owns a comedy club. Sure.

Yeah, the ones who used to do comedy have the strangest and most strict lines. Because they're full of bitterness usually. Yeah. And then they're like, everything sucks. And then they have something that they like that doesn't really add up to you. But it's all based on the fact that they used to do it. Yeah.

Yeah, the clean shit I never got. I mean, that's like what I feel like comedy, that's the direction it's going in that scares me is now anytime you post a bit that's not clean, it just gets buried because all these social media apps are trying to just get ad sales. So it's like you have this social media robot that

text like oh this is a bad word yeah even if you're making fun of the bad word it just buries you now so you're like oh shit this is like this sucks for the next wave of comics who are trying to get discovered sure by you know circumventing this you know industry that won't give them a special out of the gate and now they can't get their jokes out there for free if it's a darker joke because and maybe they're a darker comic and sure and that sucks that they can't uh because you know

especially like meta, all these ones are getting so fucking Instagram. They're getting so... By the way, is nobody over there? I mean, they have to be onto the fact that the bots are out of control. Out of control. Why isn't that addressed? I mean, like, how is there not something way beyond my concept ability to describe where it can, you know what I mean, mitigate this thing where like you post something and it's like...

50 things about like Sandra's wealth like you know like I my life turned around when I met Sandra and it's fucking 50 times in the comments the same women who are like I'm horny I'm like you're not fucking real don't look at my page yeah that's a big one don't look at my page my pussy's so wet right now so it's under some guy announcing he has cancer I have cancer my pussy's so fucking I'm squirting don't go to my stories that's how wet I am

It's so fucked. It's stage four. The doctor says I don't have a chance. I'm dripping. I'm dripping wet. Now, where were you last night? I was just in San Antonio. I was in Texas. Were you doing shows? No, I was just hanging with a girl, I'm saying. Oh, nice, dude. Yeah, I did a yoga class. It was brutal. You know what's crazy? Actually, at the end of the class, the instructor, you think, you know what's crazy? You think you know people's lives and then they say shit that's like,

that blows you away that the instructor just goes you know it's a really hard day it was like a regular class and she goes this is a hard day for me because i was a flight attendant on 9 11 and i was in the air during it and we just kept circling and circling and uh we didn't know it was gonna happen and i just hope you take this with you and i was so i was so ready for her to be like islam yeah yeah

But she was like, no, we have to stay together. And I was like, oh, that's better. Damn. But that's crazy, right? You know, I think about that all the time now. It's like, by the way, whenever they do this at the end, I've been doing yoga lately because my neck's fucked up and it's like saving me. And there's a girl that likes to do it. Yeah, that helps. That definitely helps. But I've been going on my own as well because my neck is fucked up and it helps me. And dude, whenever they...

I always think of like, you know, whenever they say, just let out whatever's bothering you right now. I just picture the instructor just once being like, Jews. Jews are bothering me. I just think it's funny about like a racist, but also like centered Zen person. And then who just like, and then says it and then just stays quiet. Looking around and you're like, guys. Just once I want an instructor to be like,

Biden eats babies. You guys good? We're good? No, it's... Just letting it out. I feel better now. Anybody else feeling that? Everyone's like, I don't like...

They're bothering me too. Does the girl live down there? Yeah, in New York as well. Oh. Both, yeah. Oh, cool. Yeah. All right. They've got a place there in New York. How long have you guys been seeing each other? A few months. All right. Yeah. It's good stuff? Yeah, I think it's good. It's great. Yeah, it's fun. She's got a dog and this dog is so fucking tiny. It's like a 16-year-old dog.

pug yeah with like a hint of chihuahua it's the cuntiest dog you've ever seen dog was living on the street for like a while in la it's got one eye yeah uh but you know she's crazy and we're uh we're at the vet uh with the dog because she's so fucking old like she's got like three she tries to bite everybody she's got three teeth left like she's bit me like eight times i'm like it feels like a lick it's sad yeah they think they're tough still yeah yeah yeah

But vets are like good people. - They are. - It's insane. 'Cause if you're a vet, you get into that because you love animals. Doctors don't get into medicine because they love humans. - No, they're just thinking about, I could probably have a really good career. - Or they're Asian. - Yeah. - Yeah, and they don't want to disappoint their parents. - That's really what it is, right? - Yeah. - Yeah, it's like money. But vets are like, I love animals. - Yeah, it's pretty awesome. Is she in comedy? - No, thank God, I can't. - Was she a fan?

I mean, she knew my comedy, but I wouldn't say like a fan. Okay. I would think that that's the best for realistic dating is someone not a fan. It's awful. Yeah. That's terrible. You're only going to disappoint them. If you're starting here, you're only going... I mean, every relationship starts here. So you don't want to fucking be starting like here because now you're going down here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's fucking horrible. No, because we all know guys who have been like...

seeing someone who was like a fan i'm like that's so weird oh i mean how many comics we know that are like mid-50s who their girlfriend's like 23 and we know a few a few and they're like they're like i don't get how it didn't work out i'm like really you don't understand like the math you understand that you're like no they like guys my age i'm like yeah for a minute yeah no that's not a fucking long-term solution most of the time most of the times

Girls that are 23 like guys that are around 23 most of the time. That's what they're attracted to. Usually, yeah. Yeah, usually. Sometimes they like older guys. Sure. But I just think it's like, yeah, it's not a good long-term game plan. I don't think so, no. And I, you know...

I don't think I, like, I definitely, I think of all people that I know, I could not be with somebody who was like, big fan. I'd be like, don't even talk to me. I couldn't, I couldn't do it. Yeah. You want them to not know who you are. That's the best way. Also, it's like not hot for someone to like you. Yeah. It's like, I mean, it's something like, as a dude, don't you want to challenge? Don't you want to, I want to like work for it a little bit. Sure. That's, that's a big reason I don't understand her.

Don't you think? Lay it out for me. Well, it's like Cosby's famous Andy's. Yeah, I know. Pick one. No. It should be like, if you can't get laid and you're famous. But the thing, I think the big, the thing about Cosby doing that is what people would go, couldn't you just get laid? Like you're that famous. Of course. And the answer is, of course. But it's power. The thrill was that he enjoyed reading.

people that were asleep. Of course. So that's what was fun. But it feels darker to me when you're doing that and you're famous and rich and powerful. Of course. I guess also because you can cover it up and it seems super more villainous, you know? Yeah. When you can get away with it. Right. Because that was the other thing. And then he also would do the thing where he would then posture as the like, you need to really live your life a certain way.

And a clean comedian. Clean. He would have killed it, fucking Junior's last laugh. Oh, he would have absolutely. They would have been like, I don't know, fucking added 15 shows. Yeah. Yeah. It's so crazy. 15 shows, 14 allegations tour. He took one off. He's tired. Dude. No, he takes, yeah, that's the thing. It's like they don't care.

It's always the clean comics. The clean comics are the scariest. They're the scariest. Yeah, because there's... There's the same type of dude you meet who's just like, hey, buddy. Yeah, those. Those types of dudes who are like too friendly. They're always wearing loud shirts. Like, what's with all the color, man? Why don't you fucking dial it down a little bit? Yeah, if you're...

you shouldn't be peacocking yeah you should be like a lot of purple man why yeah yeah uh the clean here's the thing the clean comics no matter what are hiding something i always feel like the like when people are like um you know this filthy comic i'm like that guy is so much sweeter than you know yeah that stuff he does on stage it's crazy and like dirty and whatever but like the real guy

Like he's putting it out there. In other words, like all the demons are coming out. Yeah. You know, but like the guy who's just talking about like fucking cookies and you know, like I know breakfast and you're like, I don't know about this dude. Like you guys like go Gert. That guy's that guy is so scary. Yeah. There's something I remember. I've had women. I didn't give me shit about like doing certain bits. I remember I've had like bits with like, you do that bit. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm nice to you. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's a performance though too.

You know, like even like when you're, if you're like, whatever you're saying, however crazy it is, it's like, you're still on stage doing a thing. You know? Dude, I think about that all the time. Like people get mad. I got so many fucking nasty tweets over like a 9-11 joke. And I'm like, yeah, motherfucker. I was in the city that day. I got in line to donate blood. You think I fucking think 9-11 was funny? I'm going to make jokes about it. Yeah. You make jokes about anything. Yeah. So I hate this idea that like, cause someone won't joke about something and you will, that you don't care about it.

Maybe I care even more about it and that's why I'm making jokes about it. And also I think just because we can agree on stuff, but maybe we have a different idea on what's funny versus what can't be funny. Comedians will make anything funny. - The weirdest is, have you ever met or heard from a comedian that is vocal about that's not funny? Like that's not something to joke about? - Oh, they're traitors. - There's a few that come to mind immediately where I'm like-- - Do better.

Do better, Mr. Comedian. They're like, and they speak up. I've seen them speak up. They're like, this was not okay to joke. And you're like, huh? Or the ones who are like narcs and they're like trying to like bust you. Yeah. The ones who are like, we see what you're doing. Yeah. And you're like, dude, yeah, they're jokes. It's called touring and working on our acts. This is-

yeah i don't get it um but it's thank god that's the thing about twitter all those apps or whatever is you know you will leak into people's timelines who are like i fucking hate you and that's cool that means you're actually reaching people so it's good it is like a comedy club where like they're just opening the door and being like yeah fuck you and you're like okay that would be weird that's weird yeah so but um

But you're right, when it's comics, it feels like it's like a dude wearing a wire or something. And you're like, what the fuck? Yeah, it's strange. It's very strange. Because I remember I got in trouble over a joke and I remember a comic I knew writing something kind of trashing me, being like, oh shit, like I'll never forget that. Like I'll be cool to you, but I'll never forget. I'll never be cool with you. I'll be like pleasant to you, but I'll never like you. Yeah, of course. Because I know that you'll go whichever way is like the tide is turning. Do you have something where like...

You go, when you think about it, you go, I guess I don't joke about that. Like it's like your own personal line. I don't think so because I think maybe the only way I would go that way with a line is if it's so recent that I'm emotional about it and it's not funny yet. But I think it'll be funny in a couple of weeks. So I think for me, the only way it's like, oh, if I care too much about something, I feel like it's reading that way on stage and it's not funny enough yet. It's like too raw. Yeah.

So, you know, you have a breakup or something. Sometimes the jokes that you find funny are so dark that they're not translated and the crowd just like, oh, and you're like, that's not fucking helping, you know? So I think sometimes you need like- That's a good point. A couple months. You need distance for you to see it the way they see it. I've reacted negatively to,

to watching something if it's super fresh. You know what I mean? Like day of, you know, like I'm like, like I'm saying as a spectator, as a consumer. And also I've so many times done the thing where I think this is funny and the audience is like, you're like, but that's great that you, that you go for it. I think like, I think that if you don't, the day you stop going for it is that's it. People don't understand like what else, what else,

am I going to get a rush out of? It's the biggest rush. It's like, okay, it's either that or I'm fucking doing blow after the show in a fucking motel six or something. You know what I mean? Like I need, for me, the rush is I'm going to try this fucked up joke. And if it works, oh my God, I got them to laugh at something horrible.

And that's like unifying in a weird way. Especially when the country is so divided. If we can come together and laugh on a fucking despicable subject, it's like weirdly bringing a room of people together. There's nothing more exciting. The thrill of A, something new. New is always like so exciting. Be fucked up and new. Like if it's dark. And then when you get someone to reluctantly laugh, like someone doesn't want to laugh and you can tell that they're like,

shaking their head and then they start laughing. You're like, this is like the biggest rush of all. That's what got me into comedy. I remember listening to Chris Rock's album, Roll With The New, and like so many fucked up premises that he just murders the punchline on. And my mom sees me laughing and she grabbed my headphones to see, because I was a kid. And she puts the headphones on and I just see this look of horror on her face, like followed by her laughing. I was like, that's fucking beautiful that a joke can do that. Yeah, yeah. You know, but yeah, dude, I remember I did a joke

I think it was like a day or two after the Boston bombing. And of course I was like furious when I saw that shit. Like I have family in Boston. I love Boston. And, uh,

And I said something like, it was like the biggest pop of God. And it's not even a great joke, but it like, it was just so fucking fresh. Fresh, yeah. I think they heard me go into it and the crowd was like, fuck this shit. Yeah. But I said, man, that made me sad when I saw that. Because my first thought was me and my brother, we don't do anything together anymore. You know? And that fucking crushed. Yeah. Although I'll tell you, certain jokes don't, this is fucked up. I did, so I told you I've been doing yoga on the road. Yeah. I did a class with a,

Gary Veeder opens for me, James Webb, who films for me on the road, and Brian, who's my manager on the road, and we decide to do a yoga class. It's like a hot yoga class in Baltimore, and

And we're like 30 minutes in. I can't believe this is a fucking true story. This is so stupid. But we're like 30 minutes in. We're dying. It's a hot class. And the instructor goes, I see we have a comedian in the class. And I'm just like, fuck, this is bad. And she goes, does he want to tell us a joke? And I'm like, I'm in like a pose right now. This is horrible. So I like look to Brian like, what do I, I don't know what to do here. And he gives me a look like, I got this, which I'm like, I don't know what the fuck he's going to do. But he goes, I'll tell a joke.

And the whole room is like, what the fuck? I'm like, we're looking like, what's he going to do? And he tells my joke. It's an old joke of mine where he goes, my friend's girlfriend just had a miscarriage in the shower. And I was like, oh, my God, worst baby shower ever. He tells us to a room full of women and it is fucking silence. And and the instructor just says, well, I'm triggered.

And I was like, yeah, that joke usually fucking kills. When I tell that joke, it does well. I'm upset too. And I turned after the class. I was like, dude, what the fuck? He goes, it's your joke. I go, I don't open with it, dude. You got to earn those jokes. Those are dark jokes. Yeah, that's like once they trust you. Yeah, dude. No, that was brutal. And I give him shit about that. That's very, it's hilarious that that's the story though. Dude, it's fucking, he's got balls. It's good to have a person on the road with you who's got balls.

Yeah. Who's got fucking balls. Yeah. He'll, he'll do whatever. Yeah. That's the best to have with you. 60 more minutes in that class. It was not like an exchange of phone numbers between people after that. No. One black dude laughed, but it was like 14 other women who were just like, I fucking, I hate all of you.

He liked it. But it was like 14 other women who were like, you suck. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking brutal. Yeah. Are you... I think I remember if I asked you this before, are you like a pen to paper guy? Do you write them out? No. Yes and no. I mean, I'll do like...

- I'll write jokes in like a Word doc, but then like it changes. You know how it is. I mean, you do so many long bits, you can't be pen to paper. I mean, but I think- - But if something is not working, the thing that I found that helps it is writing something down. You know what I mean? Like if you're telling us, like you have a long bit, like a long story and there are obviously jokes within the story.

If there's like this one, you're like, this just isn't landing. Writing down like an alternate is I think sometimes how you find a better one. That's a good point. You have that joke about your dad in the military. Yeah. Was that pen to paper? No.

That one feels pen to paper to me. Really? Well, it's just kind of like a perfectly crafted joke. But I guess that's what you want. I mean, you want to think that joke because that's like crazy. That could just be like a thing you say. Yeah, I remember that. You're talking about how he was not sharing about war. That's such a fucking great turn at the end. Yeah, yeah. He...

And that was, you know, that was just like real life. That's a gift when it just happens and you're like, that's insane that you just said that. Yeah, it was insane. And then, you know, he lived for another, what, three or four years? No, five years or so, five, six years after that bit. I mean, it just went up from there, the talking about...

war and the atrocities and like as casual as could be about it. That's insane. That's insane that that's your dad. Like what a different life you have. Well, you know, the thing that I realized later was that I had zero appreciation because he was like such a put together, like, you know, seemingly normal, well-adjusted person, polite and loving and all this stuff. I had zero appreciation for how traumatized he

he definitely was from war. And it made me realize that there's no such thing as somebody who sees combat and isn't traumatized. Even the ones who say,

I happen to not be traumatized. It's just manifesting itself differently through that. So the person who's just like, yeah, I'm fine. They're not fine. Like you can't, the only person who would be like literally fine would be like, and there are these people are like definite like psychopaths who, who are, you know, who aren't fine though. Well, yeah, there, but there's just like, you know, how they're kind of designed, but anybody who's not that way, um,

I think if you experience the atrocities of like, you know, people dying next to you, you're killing people. Like there's no way you're just like back to, back to business. I'm fine. You know, he was fucked up over it. And I think he didn't even have an awareness of that until like the end of his life. Cause I don't think his generation would talk about it. I think his generation didn't talk about it enough. And our generation talks about everything too much. And there's like, there needs to be some sort of middle ground, but like,

I don't understand. I mean, I feel like everyone back in the day, it was like writers and athletes are served. Like Ted Williams and JD Salinger served. Yeah, everybody did. Isn't that crazy to think about? I guess like Pat Tillman served, but like think about like the best baseball. Think about like, well, hopefully not Otani because he's not on our side, but-

He'd crush us. Did you ever think about joining the military? No. No, I know. It's like this thing where... Are you kidding me? I know, but I mean, like, I had a, you know... By the way, I'm not helping us. No? No, unless you need another guy complaining in the fucking...

In the trenches. These shoes are tight. I'm like, this is the weather? Really? You hear a lot about a lot of badass Jewish soldiers, unless they're like Israeli. Yeah, the Israeli guys. Israeli Jews are different than like New York Jews. No, we're like, I'm from like the school of Woody Allen. This is bullshit. Where's my analyst Jews? Yeah. You know? Yeah. I'm not like, I'm not throwing down. Maybe you could go into intelligence then, you know?

I, I, here's the thing though. This, that generation, like my dad's, like he just, it was the era of the draft. Yeah. And he just was like draft. I just went down there and signed up. Yeah. And then when I was in high school,

There was no even conversation about joining the military. Like it wasn't even thought of. And the people, I don't know, they could say whatever you want. Like, yeah, you're a pussy or whatever. Like we just never, I never even entertained it. I was like, military? Where would I go with the military? Yeah, no, it's, I mean, I respect people that do that like crazy, but I also, but it's not something that,

I can't imagine. I mean, I can't imagine the shit your dad saw. I mean, I think about like how fucked up people came back. You even hear like, that's all, by the way, like I think Ted Williams, like,

he was like a fighter pilot with a shitload of medals then he uh he bat like close to 400 before and after yeah it's crazy it's really crazy that it works out for you yeah because then you also have like yeah there's amazing people who just didn't come back think about how many people died in world war ii oh my god yeah that was the thing i didn't my dad never told me until he was like like much older that

that the thing that affected him the most was thinking about the guys in his platoon who died and he'd never said this then he was like yeah i think about them every day i was like what he goes every day i was like i i mean i had why would i know that you know unless you say it he was like yeah the guys that like died next to you i was like fuck i'd never considered that because it was never a conversation you know and he was like yeah i thought about i thought about it every day

fuck it's cool you think about who your comedy boys are i mean like and the bonding you must do

if you're putting your life on the line, those are like, those are your boys for life. - Forever. - No matter what, I can't imagine. So think about your comedy buddies and how deep the bond is from just the comedy shit you've gone through. - Right. - Which can't even, I feel almost pale in comparison. - Sure. - But like open mics with people and you're like, that's my fucking dude. - Yeah, forever. - Those are my friends forever. - Forever. - 'Cause you see each other weak and you see each other get strong. It's like fucking cool, but. - You're in the trenches, like the literal, you know, the metaphorical trenches. - Metaphorical, yeah.

There's no more trenches anymore, right? I feel like that's like World War I. Yeah. That's true. But that's how we still say it. Now it's just a term. The tech is too advanced. Yeah. It's to the point where... How much would it suck to get killed by a drone? The worst. I mean, it's like getting shot in the back sucks, but killed by a fucking drone? Yeah. Some fucking nerd is just like... In Nevada? Yeah. He's fucking killing you in the Middle East and he's just like, oh, time for lunch. He gets up and you're like...

Fuck. Yeah, you have no idea. Yeah, the war injuries for those dudes, they just like trip over a router. Yeah. You see this scar? I tripped on a fucking Wi-Fi equipment. Yeah. That's so fucked up. Just nerds. It's so fucked up, but it's true. Yeah. Yeah, there's... I mean, there's still combat, obviously, but the technology is just so advanced now. I just can't imagine the shit you... I mean...

Yeah, my heart goes out to those people that serve because that's like the bravest shit ever. I mean, I'm way too big a pussy. I just spent time with like a bunch of military people at a naval base in Pensacola. And so when you're around them, like in the environment, you know, because you see somebody in uniform at a coffee shop or

at the airport you know you you you see it and you're like oh you know that's cool whatever maybe you say something to them um but when you're on a base and you see like how professional and like you know like just how everybody works as a unit you're like oh fuck these guys are like the real deal it's it's rad it's cool it's really cool they took me up in an f-18 fighter jet

I saw those pictures you posted. I was wondering what that was. I was like, this dude's in fucking Top Gun 2 or something. They took me up in an F-18.

Were you nervous at all? I was excited. I was excited. I mean, they prep you for throwing up and for passing out because they're like, you know, you're going to do the maneuvers they do during a Blue Angels show, right? Except you're flying solo with one. And they're like, you know, people throw up, don't feel bad. And you're like, here's like bags in case you throw up. And you're like, all right. And then they prep you for passing out because like you pull so many, you know what I mean? Like the G-force is just,

So they're like, people pass out all the time. Here's how to prep for it. So basically, it's all about your lower body clenching. So you flex your calves, your glutes, and your quads. You don't realize how fucking in shape you have to be to do this shit. Same with Formula One guys. You don't realize. You see them training, and you're like, that's insane. Their necks. All their necks are like.

out here. It's all G-Force stuff. They must be awesome at eating pussy, those guys. Oh my God. They never, I get tight down there, I'm down there, but those guys. Those guys not. They know how to eat a pussy. They really do. And then these guys too, they do that hick maneuver, is that what they call it? How to breathe. So like your lower body's totally engaged. Yeah. And then you go, you take your breath in, you count to three, and then you go...

So that's how you try to stay conscious when the G-force gets way up there. So their lower body's engaged, and you're doing this. They each have their own way of doing it, but it's basically what I did, like out, in quick, and then you maintain like three quarters of, you don't want all the air out, and then you want all the air in. But these dudes are doing maneuvers as they're doing this, and you're just in the back of this thing, and they're like, all right, we're going to do this.

fucking like six barrel rolls into a inverted thing and we're gonna pull seven and a half g's and you're like all right and they're like ready you're like you're just like holding on then you feel your vision go black and you're like and then they and then they're like all right we're out of it you're like holy fuck and they're like there's only 45 minutes left oh my god like and tom cruise made everyone do this shit for just to be in that movie just to be in that movie yeah yeah sure it's fucking intense flying ups we went mock 1.25

which is 950 miles an hour on the ground. Oh my God. Fuck that. Yeah, dude. That sounds awful. Oh, it was fucking awesome. Really? Yeah, yeah. That part actually, you don't really realize it. You don't sense that you're going that fast. You're up in the sky. You're passing through clouds. That's the only thing that kind of gives it away is how fast you're passing through clouds. But you don't feel anything when you go from like,

0.91 Mach to 1.2, you're just like, oh, what you really feel are when they do maneuvers and they're like, we're going to pull six Gs. And you're like, oh, fuck. And they fucking barrel around and you just feel your vision go black. Yeah, that shit is intense. That was, I mean, dude, I get scared on commercial flights. This thing would fucking scare the shit out of you. It would scare me. Dude, I was...

Fuck, you heard about that diarrhea woman on that flight? Diarrhea woman? Yeah, they had to turn a plane around because this woman had diarrhea on a plane and she was just shitting everywhere. On a commercial flight? Yeah, you must have the link to that shit. I think they went down in Sydney or something. What? Yeah, yeah, they had to reroute it because she was shitting so badly. Was she shitting in the seats? I don't know, I think so. She must have, it must have leaked or something. It was like, I think it was, yeah, a woman-

It was Margaret Cho. Shit. Oh my God. Severe case of diarrhea, yeah. A flight from Atlanta to Barcelona. That's a long flight. Returned to the airport after the incident was deemed a biohazard issue. Holy fuck. I threw up and shit the entire way from LA to Minneapolis. The only time I ever canceled a weekend. It was a connecting flight. I was supposed to go to Virginia Beach and...

And from when we took, like when they shut the door, I was like, I think I'm sick. You know, one of those things. Yeah. And then from takeoff to landing, throwing up and shitting. Well, the problem is we always feel like shit, just our schedule. So it's hard to tell when you're sick. Yeah. You're like, am I just being a bitch? Yeah. This is early and I feel nauseous or am I sick?

So let's see what it says. An audio clip of the pilot's emergency call to dispatchers was shared on social media. This is a biohazard issue. The pilot said, you know, we've had a passenger who had diarrhea all the way through the airplane. So they want us to come back to Atlanta. I don't understand. Um, my partner was on that flight. It was pretty bad. It was dribbled down the aisle, smelled horrible. The vanilla scented disinfectant used on only made it smell like vanilla scented shit. After the plane landed, it was thoroughly cleaned. Um,

So this person, how did this person shit in the aisles? I don't get it. Yeah. But clearly it happened. The mid-flight incident comes after a flight from Miami to Chile was, oh, this is a different incident, where after its pilot died mid-flight. What would you rather have, a dead pilot or a shit-smelling plane? That's a fair question. I think a dead pilot. Me too, because there's two pilots. Yeah. That guy can handle it. That's why you have him. By the way, though, he probably shits too. Yeah, he does. But not as bad. No. Diarrhea in the aisles? Come on, man.

Come on. It was Delta? Yeah. I'm getting some points from that flight. That's crazy. You have to reimburse people for that. I wonder how many points you get. Because I definitely would... I fought hard on that shit before. You fought for stuff? Yeah, I missed...

Is Delta your go-to? Usually Delta is. I think that, I mean, they all fuck us. Yeah, and there's people who swear. They're like, it's American. And you're like, dude, you can have good and bad experiences on all the airlines. Not on Spirit, but on the big carriers, you're going to have good and bad experiences. Yeah, well, Delta fucks.

I've been fucked by all of them, but I did American Fuck Me the Hardest. I think it was last time I did your podcast, actually. Really? Yeah, it was, because I was flying from Austin to Vermont, and I had to connect in Philly. And I knew I was missing the fucking flight. I hold the flight up to her, and I'm like, I'm missing this. And she was like, you're going to make it. And I was like, I see on my phone I'm not going to make it. And she was like, trust me. And I was like, all right. So...

We land and it said, we were like, I think in Philly it was like, we landed like gate B2 and my connection was F32. And I just showed her on my phone and she was like, run. And I was like, oh, this is like insane. They say run. I've had multiple times they go run. And I'm like-

This is, I have two fucking check bags. And I got there and she slammed, she fucking closed the door. It was one of those close the door in your face moments where you're like, dude, come on. And they're like, no, the door's shut. So they gave me, I was shit faced on the flight. I got in the next flight and it was getting into Vermont at like 1030. So I missed the show, but I was fucking wasted.

on the connect flight because I was so cranky. I was like a middle seat last row, which is all they had, so I'm fucking bombed. And I was tweeting at American Airlines, like, thanks for calling me Jew boy fuckers. Like, I was just making shit up because I was so drunk. And they tweeted back, we've decided to give you 7,500 points. And then I wrote back, I was so drunk, I was like, you fucking anti-Semites. And they were like, we've decided to give you an additional 7,500 points. And...

I just picture like N-word, they're like 25,000. Yeah, they have different tiers. But Jew boy, they're like, we have to start low because he'll haggle with us. So he has to. Dude. Yeah. By the way, it's a great tactic if you're one of the airline people and someone goes, I'm not going to make it and be like,

- You're gonna be all right. - You're gonna be all right. - That's what I would say to everybody. - 'Cause they're off the hook the second I'm off the play. No, I was so angry. - You're definitely gonna make it. - I miss, but then once you, you know when you're like that angry and then you just are like, it's a show. This is really a fact. Like I ended up staying an extra night to make up the show. But like, you have to remember, you're like, is this really gonna change my life? You make every, you're just trained in comedy to be like, I'm gonna fucking, I miss it. - I was, I mean, when I tell you how sick, I was so sick.

that, I mean, literally the flight from LA to Minneapolis was, I would go to the bathroom, either shit, vomit, or both, go back to the seat, I'm sweating, you know, the people next to me are like, and I'd be like, and then I get up, the whole flight. And I still was hesitant to tell my agent. I was like,

I can't do that. Because I didn't want to be, you know, come down on, like, what? You're canceling the show, right? Because we're trained. I at least am remembering when I had, like, these awful, I love my agent now, but I remember having agents back in the day where they're like, they don't give a fuck about you. Well, yeah. I mean, the funny thing was, like, I'd never, I'd done shows sick, done shows with, like, the flu. You have to. Have to. At least coming up. A thousand percent. Yeah. And I still, when I said it, you know,

It wasn't like, I don't remember it being like, are you okay? It was like, all right. No, same. That's what happened to me. And the club was like, oh, really? Yeah. You're sick? And I'm like, but why? Like, of my track record, why would I make this up? And then they didn't, like, believe it. I know. And I went to a hotel. Like, I landed in Minneapolis, went to, like, the airport hotel just to be sick. I was like, I can't get on a plane. Yeah. Yeah.

Just to be sick there. And I just spent a day there just being sick. It was horrible. Dude, I remember doing, it's funny you said Minneapolis because I remember being a young comic and then my agent's being like, we got you a headlining week in a house of comedy. I was like, oh shit. Like we had a dropout. I was like, cool, man. And I was like, wait, house of comedy, Minneapolis? He was like, yeah. I was like,

the one that all Shabab threatened to shoot up this weekend, you had to drop out there. They're like, that's not a big story. I show you now I go to the front page of CNN, all Shabab threatens to shoot up house of mall of America. And I was like, I just sent it to him and they're just like, it's going to be fine. And I remember calling Joe list, like, should I do this? And he was like, if you get shot, you're the dumbest comedian of all time. Did you do it? I didn't, I didn't do it. Uh,

And they were like pretty pissed at me for not taking a fallout weekend on like a Wednesday. But then I did. Like that was associated with like a terrorist threat. Yeah. I just felt like I'd been in New York for 9-11. I'd been in New Orleans for Katrina. I felt like I'm like, I can't keep risking it. You were there for Katrina? Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah.

Were you living there? No, I was a freshman at Tulane. So I ended up leaving before it was coming and I left. I evacuated. Oh, you did? Yeah. No, I wasn't there when it was like coming. But did you go back? I went back for a year and a half. How long? How long between evacuating and going back, though?

A semester. Like a semester away? Yeah. Wow. Was the school shut down for a semester? Yeah, it was underwater. Wow. I mean, that whole fucking city, man. Yeah. But I love New Orleans. That's like one of my favorite cities. I remember bombing so hard with a Katrina joke in like the month after. Yeah? Yeah, so hard. And I was doing it as an opener. You know how you have to earn these jokes? Yeah. I was doing it as an opener as a middle.

And it fucking set me up for like death, like deaths. Like I was trying it and it was like about how there was people, there was stories about the people were being raped in the aftermath. I really love what this, you're doing a Katrina rape joke. Yeah, yeah. That was my joke. I was like, you know, there's like people are being raped.

like in New Orleans and I go, you know, nothing turns me on like seeing a dead body float by. I'm like, man, my dick's hard right now. And like, I would do that to like a sold out show and then everyone was like...

And the thing was, what I found was that at the time, I had a pretty bulletproof feature set. Sure. I couldn't put it together. It wouldn't work after that. And I did it twice. That's amazing. Bombed so hard. Both sets. It was like a Friday night, early late show.

And I was with Kreischer. I was opening for him. Wow. And the next day, I was... Because I was shell-shocked from bombing that hard. It was so bad. He goes, can I give you one piece of advice? I go, yeah. He goes, just open differently. And I go, okay. Not a good opener. I know. It was so fucking... That's amazing. And I did. But you have balls for fucking... For doing... No, that's the thing is like...

For going for it, by the way, going for it twice. That was, I know. That's pretty cool though that you did that. Even the MC was like, I've never seen someone eat shit that hard. I know, but that's your style is kind of pushing it. So you have to find that. You have to figure it out. I think that's cool that you did that. I remember Geraldo had the fucking funniest Katrina joke about like how many times he's blacked out in New Orleans. And he's like, I can only imagine being one of those people that came to like, what the fuck did I do last night? Yeah.

Yeah. Was I near a dam? That's very funny. Damn, he had some great Katrina jokes. He had great, he had so many great bits. Yeah, he was one of my favorite comics ever. I wasn't even, you know, there's people who, I guess, gravitate towards or don't

uh, when it comes to the roasts. Like I was never like, Oh my God, I love the roasts. But there was kind of an era where you just like, I have to watch this. This is like the big thing happening. But when I would watch his sets, I was, I was like, this is fantastic. It was, it was like artful. He would, he was, uh,

man, Jesse Joyce would like collaborate with those on. And Jesse's such a good roast joke writer. And, and them together was like, yeah. And Greg was like, so even like that Larry, the cable guy one, the way he just was so angry. I was like, this is like, fuck it. I've never seen this passionate, a roast set. Really? I don't remember that. Oh, he was so like fucking furious at Larry's success. It was so funny. And then, uh,

Oh man, as Joan Rivers said, all his sets were so, what I loved what he would do at roast is that he would like say something really nice at the end and then shit on them again. Like you think you're getting that ending after that beautiful, like, oh, I just destroyed you for seven, eight minutes. And then like, but seriously, you're the best. And then he would say something else. It was something like with Joan Rivers. He was like, but seriously, you're like an icon. You're the best.

And something about like titty fucking a crocodile. You're like, Jesus Christ. You think you're out, but it's like one more punch. One more punch. Yeah. Yeah. He was relentless and so smart. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I definitely was like idolizing that guy in that era. I totally relate to you trying out insanely offensive jokes and bombing. I remember doing that in front of Marin and...

and like most of it, I think it was like Rooster Teeth Feathers in like 2010 or something. And I was featuring for Marc Maron. And I just, I tried to, I forgot the joke even, but it bombed so fucking hard. And after the show, I was explaining to Marc, like I was so young and dumb. I'm like, well, I thought this would do it. And Marc goes, I know what you were doing. Yeah. Like that's all. Just be like, shut the fuck up, Sam. I remember I was doing a, man, such a shitty room in Atlantic City. And I,

I was middling, and the headliner was this guy that looked like he fucking, I don't know, man, like changed transmissions or something. I was like, you're a comic? I used to, like one of those. Wearing AC, do you remember? It was such a shit club. It was one of the clubs that was in...

The Tropicana one? Maybe the Trop one. That guy stiffed me on money. That guy was something else. He ditched town. He seemed like a real life... What was the Will Ferrell character in San Diego? Oh, Anchorman? Yeah. This guy was sitting at the bar with a drink. He's like, did you bring your headshot? And I was like, my headshot? Who travels with their headshots? He was like, you got to bring headshots. Otherwise, we don't have a headshot to put in the... I was like...

I hope someone headshots this motherfucker. It was just ridiculous. But so the headliner, he was like, yeah, I don't really do it much. I was like, how are you doing this? He's like, oh, you know, I'm friends with the owner. And I just do this to come play poker. I don't give a fuck about the show. And I was like, okay. You'd get those. And then he's, you know, I would do my middle set. And then this guy,

you know, he would end on this, like a magic trick with a newspaper. So he would fold up the paper and do like some crazy magic trick. And then I would see him in the casino and he'd be like, yeah, I'm gonna go play poker. And I would see him the next day and he was like, yeah, I was up till like 5 a.m. playing poker. And I was like, how are you doing? He's like, not fucking good. I was like, all right. And we're doing these shows and I think we're doing like the seventh show of the week. And there's a bunch of,

old ladies out there and I remember him going uh you see the old ladies out there and I go yeah he goes what does that tell you and I go I don't know he goes maybe don't do your shitting on a glass coffee table bit and I was like okay and he was like right back to his stuff and I was like yeah good good call good call man he was like

I mean, I don't think he gave two shits. Dude, there's something so depressing about AC, too. I remember two AC stories that come to mind. First, one of them is that room I'm fucking...

It's a three headliner show, right? So you're all splitting it. One guy who is just a degenerate gambler there with me on the show. He's gambling not only in the casino after the shows, but he's on his phone the whole fucking time doing sports betting. And it's a baseball regular season games. And the whole show, not only are we all bombing, but he's on his phone and goes, can't catch a fucking break. Okay.

Can't catch a fucking break. That's the whole show. And I remember staying in the condo and I just remember like stumbling back, piss drunk. I was drinking at Tony Baltimore grill, which is, I love that spot. It's like rum and Coke, like this big for six bucks was the best. But you just walk into that shitty condo, piss drunk. And I remember seeing a cockroach stomping it and they're just passing out on the bed. And I was like, fuck, this is, this is a sad weekend. There's so many sad. Those first time you do Vegas, Atlantic city,

Yeah, there's this thing where you go... Or Reno. Or Reno. Because the thing is, you're so excited to get work, and they pay you just a little bit more than a club at the time for your level does. So you're like, oh, this is more money. But then you don't really calculate that. And you're like, all I have to do is spend Monday through Sunday there. Do one show Monday, one show Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And in your head, you're like, I'm doing so many shows. I'll get better at comedy. Yeah, this is just great. Yeah. And then...

Some of those places the show is at 10. So what happens is your day is just like you wake up and you have like 14 hours of like, hey, yeah, you look up maybe your notes or something. You eat breakfast. You walk around. Then you're like, well, I shouldn't spend money.

because I don't want to spend money at the place that's giving me the money, but there's really nothing to do. Yeah. And there's nowhere to go. Just like walk around this casino. And you know, third, fourth day of that, you're like, man, I would get like really depressed in those. Cause you're not going outside. I remember like Reno, I was like, I should see what's going on outside. It's just like meth people walking by. You're like, I'll stay in the casino. But I remember AC one night I, I was opening for David Teller. It was like years ago. And, uh,

we get in at like 3:30 AM from another city and he's like, "What do you want to do?" And I was like,

I was going to go to bed. He's like, let's gamble. All right. So we, 3.30 AM we're gambling and we're both just fucking crushing. Like, and it's hilarious that none of these people know that this is Dave Attell. This is like a comedy Jedi. Yeah. And he's killing at the table. Like he's making all these jokes. He's shitting on strangers, smoking cigarettes. Just one guy like yells at me, you got to hit there. And Dave goes, thanks professor. Like just shitting on dudes. We're dying. And, uh,

And before we know, we're up like a lot of money. Both of us were just like on. And he's like, I didn't know you had it in your kid. He's just like shitting on me. And, uh,

I remember just going out. It was like one of those weird things where you feel like, holy shit, I never get a W at these casinos. And we just walk outside, 7.30 a.m., he lights a cigarette. And I'm like, I feel like we just did a heist or something. Yeah, it's awesome. AC, I had no concept of because I didn't grow up in that area. And I remember like, oh, it's Atlantic City. And they drop you off at a place that's on the boardwalk. And you're like, this is pretty cool. The boardwalk is cool. Right away, people at the casino are like, hey, you know not to like...

leave this area, right? And you're like, what? And they're like, this is a really rough city. And you're like, oh, really? And then you get in a car, someone drives you in, and you're like, oh, shit. AC is no joke. Oh, dude, I remember going to a pharmacy trying to get something. I was trying to get... But there's a line of people, I'm like, these are opioid people. This is sad. This is bad. I mean, that city is like...

It's weird. I have a weird love of AC, but man, I remember my brother did his bachelor party there, but this is AC to me. We go to a strip club for his bachelor party. There's like the one Jewish woman. We could tell she was Jewish because she had a fucking star of David tattoo on her quad. I'm like, that's a, that's an AC Jew right there. A stripper with a star of David on her thigh. Jesus Christ. Yeah. That's a fucking, yeah. But no, I have a weird love of AC, even though I've had like fun nights there too. It's weird.

I've, you know, really started to appreciate gambling more. Do you gamble? Well, not a big time, but like, you know, it's fun. Like when I do my Vegas gigs, me and the crew, we always, we get a table, we do blackjack. It's fun.

It's fun. I always hit the high limit slots. The most fun is you go, you just risk it. You go, I'm putting like $1,000 in this and spending like $200 a spin. But when it hits, you actually get like a payout. Yeah. We do that every time. Everyone, though, is like, you've got to do craps. They're like, you're out of your mind if you don't do craps. I don't really get it. I don't either. That's why I think the part of the fun is I'll just put money down and be like, did I win? I do blackjack usually. I love blackjack.

The luck, but here's the thing. You have to, like, I've gotten to the point where I accept that it is the luck of the shoot. Like you have good shoes and bad shoes. So when it's a good one, you just fucking enjoy it. And you just like when the bat, it's not like, oh, strategically, I didn't. It's like, no, you just get bad hands. That's how it works. You know, it is luck. And it's all about the table vibe. Like if you draw a dude, well, we were AC, we drew the biggest douchebag at our table. This guy who was just like, he was some like,

like guy from Syracuse he just kept like talking and he goes where are you where are you from and I go New York City he goes and I was like where are you from he goes Syracuse I was like you're A New York I was like I'm fucking hammered so I was like that's the worst fucking city in the state fuck Syracuse and he's like I have never he's getting like offended then he's trying to high five us after hands like fuck you dude fuck off and uh

He pulled this card. He goes, well, I have a wife and kid. What do you have? I'm like, where the fuck are they? It's 2 a.m. You're at the blackjack table. What the fuck? It's not good. A guy who doesn't know how to play will fuck the table, too. Dude, you get so fucking mad. I've had a few on tour with me, like even friends, who I'm like, what are you doing? And they're like, isn't it the point to get 21? I'm like, bro, no, you don't like, you're not...

Like they're hitting 18s. They're like, I'm trying to get to 21. I'm like, that's not how you play. They're like, I thought you... I know, but those dudes are kind of funny too. I know. We just watched a dude just flush their money down the toilet. One of my friend's dads was with us and he goes, if you hit that again, I'll stab you in the fucking neck. This is like a grown man. I was like, oh my God. But I was laughing so hard. He was like talking to the dealer. He's like an older guy. And he's like, what's your name? And it was like this Asian dealer. He was like, Dave. He goes, what's your real name? Dave.

I was like, oh, fuck, man. What the fuck? It was right out of the gate, too. I was like, oh, Jesus Christ. Like a 70-year-old man. That ain't good. No, I was like, oh, fuck.

Yeah, but he was like real hot about the play because my friends legitimately did not have a clue what they were. And I didn't know. I was like, what are you doing? You bond at the, if you get a good table, you bond with those people. Oh, yeah. And if everybody's table wins, like when everybody starts winning, that is a thrill. That's a thrill. We had a few of those. I was there like last week and we had like a couple really fun runs where everybody's winning at the hand. And the dealer, you could tell the dealer was like,

He was like telling, you know, telling some of the guys, he was like, don't like, don't hit that. That dude's getting fucking God after that. We were all like, they're on the fucking monitor. Like we're going to fucking kill him. They're like, Dave, can we speak with you for a second? Fucking breaking his hand. Yeah.

Oh shit. It's so fun. It's fun. Do you ever see that movie? The cooler with a, yeah, that's kind of a fun one. He's so perfect as that. He's so, he like, it sounds like an insult, but he's so perfectly pathetic. Yeah. What's his name? William H. Macy. He's so pathetic in the movie and like, and it's like, he embodies it like just so well. Yeah. Like he sits in it. He really is the cooler, you know? And Alec Baldwin, right? Yeah. Fucking Maria Bellows titties. Yeah. Thumbs up. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. She was awesome in that movie. Like even like the hair, the suit, it's all perfect. He plays that guy in Boogie Nights too, that kind of just a loser. Yeah. He's a great actor though. So fucking good. Fargo too. He kind of plays that fucking loser. Yeah.

Yep. His lady's getting banged in front of him. And so brutal. Boogie Nights is one that like, if it's on TV, I'm like, well, there goes three hours. It's so fucking good. The music too. It's like every tune in that movie. Yeah. I was just thinking too about, this is totally not the same thing, but-

Talented Mr. Ripley. Dude, I love that movie. Great book too. Fucking Patricia Highsmith. That movie is like, that was on TV the other day and I was just like, Phil Seymour Hoffman again. If it's on, it's also like aesthetically, it's so great. It's in Italy. It's like the, what is it? The 60s or something. And like the style of it and all the, this is also, I remember watching this movie. So here's the thing. I never saw,

Good Will Hunting. Oh, wow. So when the two of them became like household names from it, I was like, I did that thing where I was like, I don't give a shit. These two fucks. Right. I just didn't care. I didn't care about the movie. I just kind of moved on. And this comes out and I'm like, oh, it's that fucking guy. And

Here's the thing. I watched this movie, and I was so blown away by how good of an actor Matt Damon was in this movie. I was like, oh, this guy is fucking legitimately an amazing... He's fantastic in this movie. So good, isn't he? And then I remember seeing the trailer for The Firstborn. I was like, this fuck is going to play...

Like a badass? Yeah. Like I couldn't... And he's going to crush it again? I saw the trailer. I was like, this is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen. And then I saw the movie. I was like, nah, it's pretty good. Those Bourne movies rule. Those are amazing until they put Renner in one. And then you're like, oh, that's no good. I didn't see that one. Yeah, that one, they're like, you go like, oh, he's not good. But Renner in the town, dude. Yeah. He's good in that. That's a cool fucking role. Yeah. Yeah, no, Matt Damon, kind of underrated comedy actor too. He's great. He's funny as shit. He's great. And a lot, I mean...

Yeah, I love movies like that that are just super fucking dark and don't have a happy ending. Yeah. It's like this dude murders again and then just gets away with it. And here's the thing about it. I think about that and Match Point. Match Point's good. So the two things about both those movies, I'm like, this is how great the filmmaking is. There's this thing that's happening where at the very end, when they get away with it, you're like, good. Yeah.

you know like and you're like that's so fucked up yeah but like you want the guy in match point to get away with it and then like in talented mr ribly i mean i don't know what it says about me but it's like he's just like then he gets the the allowance from the dad and you're like way to go man yeah mission accomplished you did a great job yeah it's so fucked up so funny woody allen makes so many movies with a piece of shit person just wins yeah and i'm just like what are you trying to tell us

He's like, I should win. I should win. I should win. I think I will. Yeah. But he got a little too on the nose with some of those like husbands and wives where you're like, dude, these are like, fuck it. You rewatch Manhattan now. That's a beautiful looking movie. It's an incredible movie. But it's legitimately just like there's nothing learned by the end. He's just like, I couldn't make it work with this child. Yeah. No.

Not like I shouldn't fuck kids. He's like, I couldn't, you know, my friend Ron on Hirschberg was like, that's a rom-com for. Wow. That's what he called it. Basically. I mean, she's look, she's, I guess 18, but she's a high school senior. Like you shouldn't be fucking, you know what the fucked up connection with Woody Allen is too, is that that girl goes to Dalton in the seventies. You know who taught at Dalton in the seventies, Jeffrey Epstein. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. So that's, and they knew each other. Those two did? Yeah. I hate to get too fucking rabbit hole on you, but that's a weird connection. That's a good clique of friends. Yeah. Those are the buddies who won. Look, they had nice homes, I'm sure. Yeah. That guy was connected to so many movers. He must've had great dinner parties aside from the children. Oh,

Aside from the underage women, those were probably some interesting people at those parties. How about, and I'm the last conspiracy theorist guy, but the fact that that list is not released, it's not public. It's fucking weird. It's the strangest thing. I'm not a big, Jews aren't big conspiracy theory people either. We're just not, it's like, it always ends with us eating babies somehow. Yeah. It always is like something, something George Soros, then Jews. Controlling the interest rates. Jews eat babies. And you're like, we don't eat babies. I don't know.

But no, I'm with you. There's something shady as fuck. Well, that's cool. After the child sex convictions. You can't just turn your back on friends. No. Look at Woody's outfit, too. So insane. He lives in Manhattan. Why is he dressed like he's going on a safari? He always wears that goofy fucking hat. What is he doing? And the pants are too high. There's no excuse for looking like that. He's made it work, though. I mean, that is insane that he's still with that same daughter. Yeah. He's still with her.

All these years later, yeah. He's fucking like 80-something. 87, I think. At this point, this relationship becomes, you know, like a father. You know what I mean? Isn't that weird that he's dating his stepdaughter and now she kind of becomes the parent because of his age. That's fucked up. It's very fucked up. She just, I don't think she, I think he's one of those like super geniuses that just wants to be with someone who I don't think

Maybe she's like a sounding board. I don't think she's contributing a lot intellectually on his level. I just can't. No? I think there's like hyper-intellectual people like that who are either with someone who they're equal or people who are like, I'm the genius and you tolerate my genius. And I make, I mean, you can't be with someone who's your equal if you have his, if you're as prolific as Woody Allen, this guy put out like a movie a year for like ever. Decades, yeah. I mean, he's just gotta be,

As far as like American filmmakers, it's fucking taboo to say now, but like there's not a lot of people in his league. Yeah. I haven't seen a lot of his work though. I haven't. I think all New York people are more exposed to it because he's like the quintessential New York guy. Dude, you know what? I got a rec for you. If you've never seen Bullets Over Broadway. Yeah. I think it's his funniest movie. Really? He's not in it. It's John Cusack and Dianne Wiest and Chaz Palmateri. I think one of them won an Oscar for it. It's so fucking funny.

Maybe I'll do... That's Colin Quinn's favorite. He's like... I give the New York vote of confidence. Yeah. Colin Quinn's got great movie recs. Yeah. And he's like, that's my favorite Woody Allen comedy too. All right. I'll check it out. Bullets Over Broadway is fucking... We watched it when we were on tour bus. We watched it. It killed on the bus. It killed? Really? It's fucking funny. All right. The premise is it's a gangster...

John Cusack's a struggling playwright in like the twenties and they can't get his play made and let, and they're like, we got a donor. We got a guy who donated money and it's Joe Vitarelli from analyze this, you know, the fat guy. And he's like, yeah, but you got to cast, he's a mafia guy. You got to cast my girlfriend and it's Jennifer Tilly and she's the worst actress in the world. So they get the play made, but they're now casting the worst fucking actress in a supporting role. Yeah. It's killer. That's funny. Um,

Yeah, I'll check that out. I'll check it out. I need to watch some of his stuff. I don't know. Some of the, I was turned off by the molesting his children, but I'll check out his stuff. It ain't good. Yeah. No. It ain't good. Also, I got another rec. Bill Cosby himself. Have you seen that? I've seen that. That's actually the first standup thing I ever saw in my life. It was great. No, he's, that's the thing. It's like,

- Yeah, he's done some fucking bad shit probably. - But he's made some great movies. - And this one, you don't have to feel as bad 'cause he's not even in it. - Yeah. - You know? - Epstein, great investor. You can't knock his investments. He's done a great job with people's money. What are we gonna do? Act like he didn't know what he was talking about? - You can hate the artist, but not the art. What about, he also opens, the fucked up thing is he opens with this movie with, God, what's the name of that singer who did "Blackface"?

Fuck. It's a famous song. You'll know the guy. I don't remember. Ted Danson? No, I don't remember. You'll look it up. But dude, great fucking movie. All right. A reminder, you can see Sam Morrill on November 4th at the theater at Madison Square Garden. You can get tickets right now at sammorrill.com. And I'm everywhere on the road. He's on the road. Yeah, I'm in Phoenix, Indianapolis, Columbus, Cincy, New York.

Chicago, fucking, I mean, I'm going to Australia too. That's a big one. Have you done it before? Never, man. You're actually a big reason I went. I saw you going. I was like, I should fucking. Dude, it's so fun. Well, I'm doing all that in November, like everywhere in Australia. And then I got Vegas and Florida. You're going to have...

Such a good time. Oh, and Cleveland. I'm all over. Samorelle.com. There you go. Slash shows. He's touring everywhere. Get tickets. By the way, I'm coming everywhere. Best tour name ever. Good tour. I know. You crushed it. It's going to be hard. Thank you. It's going to be hard to top it. They're hard to come up with. They are. Because you sound corny a lot of the time. No, I did. No Teeth, No Entry was one. That's a good one. I did Take It Down. And then, yeah, I did...

coming everywhere the next one i don't know i need to come everywhere it was like i was like that's how has that not been i know that's the other thing is you go like this hasn't been done um thanks how do you do a pun that's not i know what's your current one called class actor yeah more is just sarcastic because it's a lot of abortion and murder jokes and stuff like that that's awesome

Yeah, you're such a great joke writer, man. Thank you, man. I really enjoy it. I appreciate that a lot. You're one of the few that like, people post their stuff on Instagram, but yours I actually watch. I actually watch your stuff on there. Dude, I watch all your clips too. Oh, thanks. And I love, especially like, I mean, shit, sitting in Bert's seat, man. Yeah. I watch all these clips and I love all the clips with Christina. I love your other podcasts.

Oh, thanks, dude. Thanks. Well, we'd love to have you on anytime. I want, yeah, I want to come back. All right. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Go see Sam Rill on tour and we'll see you next week. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top to swat, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.