The Bears Are Back | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 212
01:20:50 Share

Hey everybody, Tom Segura here. Tickets for the first leg of my new tour, Come Together, are on sale right now at tomsegura.com slash tour. Tour kicks off December 30th in Honolulu, Hawaii, and then into 2024 with stops in Asia and North America, including my hometown of Cincinnati. Before you start yelling, what about my city, Tom? Don't worry, I'll get there and it's a

whole new hour of material. A lot of more dates are coming. I will announce them soon. So go get your tickets right now at TomSagura.com slash tour before they sell out. This week on Two Bears, One Cave, I am now getting just homicides, just straight up murders. I feel the energy, the juice that God wanted you to have when you were born. I feel it. It's in my mouth and it's coursing through my fucking brain. My friend, Bert Kreischer, razzle dazzle.

100%. With big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between the store and your first month's bill, the price you thought you were paying magically skyrockets. With Mint Mobile, you'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again. When Mint Mobile says $15 a month,

When you purchase a three-month plan, they mean it. There are multiple people here who have told me that they could not believe this was actually the way it is. They have signed up and they're only paying 15 bucks a month. Say bye-bye to your overpriced

wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month,

Go to mintmobile.com slash bears. That's mintmobile.com slash bears. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash bears. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details.

Finally, we are back. And from renal failure and missing extremities to down 35 plus pounds. I'm 40 pounds, Tommy. 40 pounds down. 40 fucking pounds. Bertrand Kreischer. That's what you went first. You went 83 days with alcohol without 83 days without alcohol. And then 10 solid ones with Bert. You look notably different. I know. I know.

You don't realize how many... You feel better? I feel amazing. And you know what's crazy? There's so much. There's too much to unpack. Yeah. Honestly...

Suffice to say, you don't realize how deep you are in obesity and drinking and keeping... How deep you are in the hole until you get your head a little bit out of it, and then you start feeling better, and little things are feeling a lot better for me. And also, when you just look at a three-month-old photo, you're like, what the fuck, right? I mean, when I look at a photo of myself, even from a year, a year and a half ago, I'm like, damn. I was like, I was full.

Fully delusional. No, I well I apologize to your agent. Did he tell you that? Yeah He was really touched by it well I he we were at the some party in LA and I he came up to me and I was like I was like him and I owe you an apology cuz he came up to me right at the very beginning of my downward spiral and I say downward spiral in the funnest fucking well we have to set up the context so what happened was maybe a year and a half to two years ago something like a year and a half ago or

We were both in New York. We happened to be both in New York on the same night, and we met up for dinner with a group. We went out with a whole group of people. - It was right when I started putting on weight. And right when I started the beginning-- - Sorry, I know exactly when it was. It was March of '22. - Yes. - So it was like a year and a half. - And so I was going,

I just had bit off way more than I could chew in everything. I had a special that I had to shoot. I had a special I had to promote. I had a movie I had to promote. I had an arena tour in North America. I had one in Australia, one in Europe. I mean, I just was like, I bit off. I had fully loaded. I had a cruise. I had Red Rocks. And I was just...

I would not listen to you. If you told me slow down, I'd tell you get the fuck out of my way. Well, we sat down and at dinner, I guess one of the first things he told you. Very casually, he goes, I'm worried about you. Yeah, I'm worried about you. You need to kind of take it easy. And you're like, who the fuck are you? You my wife or something? I told him, I said, you're not my friend. You're not my boy. We don't text about pussy. Don't fucking tell me to slow down. Don't tell me you're worried about me. If you want to enjoy dinner with me tonight, shut your fucking mouth and order a goddamn drink.

He wasn't the only person I told that to. But a whole bunch of time went by. What happened is fully loaded. Yeah. The end of fully loaded. I was so out of it.

Like, meaning like just, and it's with everything like food, booze wasn't any different than it ever has been. I was still working out, but I was just gotten so bloated that Georgia and Isla and Leanne all said something to me. And they're like, my sister said, I want to put a pin in your neck and deflate you.

And I went, what? She goes, you look uncomfortable. Like she goes, do you realize how many times you've rearranged yourself on the couch? Yeah. You were always shifting. And even getting off the couch, I'd be like, I'd be like, and I was, what's crazy is, and I say this, I say this understanding what the internet sounds like, meaning like what people say. Yeah. People, cause people lie to themselves on the internet all the time. And I mean, that's what the internet's made up of. I'm starting to really appreciate the people that tell the truth that, which are very few and far between.

I was in great shape. I was working out. I didn't have a heart attack. You were A-shape. I was A-shape. But I was benching 225 10 times. I was strong. I was strong. I just was completely... And I did that cleanse. Went to my cardiologist.

and and talk to rogan and i literally i've been carnivore for and do not listen to me i don't have any answers i'm not knowing no one here is saying follow bert's lead on trying to get into sins i saw rogan does them i'm like fuck why not so i was i was into those for a minute some fucking cool guy introduced me to rogues and these are but i bet i can guess who that cool guy was

Wait, I'm trying to remember. Oh. I have to remember who it was, too. Oh, I thought it was someone. I thought it was Aquaman. No, no, no. Does he do those? I didn't see that. Everyone cool does them. Well, I just... Here's the thing, man. It really does, like, I feel... Let me see that one. I gotta tell you... These are bigger, sweeter. So, I gotta be honest with you, and this is the truth. I'm being...

I had a sincere problem with tobacco, with chewing tobacco. Oh, really? Oh, sincere. Meaning like I had to quit. You were like a Redman guy? I was Redman. I was Copenhagen. I was Skoll. I was like every now and then I'll throw in a Black Buffalo on the road because they have this Black Buffalo Zero. I'll throw one in if we're all sitting around outside. What's beautiful about those, you can drink while you have one in so you can spit. It's really nice. Yeah. But I've been flirting with these the same way...

Do you ever see a celebrity cheat on his wife and you're like, we saw that coming. Right, yeah, yeah. This is, by the way, I'm not fucking Terran Manning internet, okay? These I've been flirting with. I buy them all the time. And you don't take them? I've never even opened them. Do one. I'm nervous because I'm afraid I'm back immediately. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. What? And this is the only time you can actually say this. There's no tobacco. These are tobacco free. This is straight nicotine. Put your nail in there. Straight nicotine.

Maybe this is the Lord saying something. Here. I can't open yours. It's just nicotine. So you get like the, here. Wow, that came out quick. You get the nicotine fix. I feel like more focused. It's a little stimulant. It's better than speed. That's what the doc said.

It is? He goes, you're not going to do speed, right? I'm going to go, probably not. Wait, you talked to your doctor about them? I'm sweating. I'm sweating right now. I tried to get that Vyvanse, you know? That's like, I guess they said, someone told me it was like diet Adderall. He's like, it is like, it's like Adderall Plus. Dude, Adderall's so fucking good. I know. Have you ever talked to someone on Adderall and they try to tell you they're sober and you're like, you're not sober, bro. No, but so this is, it's a stimulant. Now these are, these are sweeter than those. Okay. Yeah.

- Ooh, oh. - Just throw it in, dude. - I mean, this is like-- - There's no spitting. - Really? - There's no tobacco. There's no cancer-causing chemical. - Hold on. So you're telling me this-- - People are thinking this is an organic plug. We are not associated with either one of these. - We're not associated with either of these. - I'm just trying to get people on nicotine, man.

I heard it's better for your brain. Yeah. I saw Huberman tell you right here. Yeah. Huberman said right now, if he was a young boy, he would get addicted to nicotine today. Well, it's something like that. I forget what he said. He probably didn't say exactly, but it's a great pre-workout. I'm serious. I'm going to put the head of my dick in and see if I want to keep fucking. There you go. I'm going to put it in. Put it in, dude. You're on board. You're going to love it. Let's see if I feel the jazz. You're in. I can already tell. I know.

You don't need to spit? No. There's no tobacco. I'll tell you. I love it. I love the feeling. I love the feeling. I can tell. I can tell. It feels so fucking good. It feels good, right? I haven't felt it yet, but I know the feeling of nicotine when it hits you. It's coming, dude. It's coming. When it hits, oh, it's burning. Yeah. It's burning. I feel like I'm doing heroin in a bathroom at a gas station and some dude's like, hey, man, I'll suck your cock. I was like, I'll do anything right now. Yeah. And you just swallow? Yeah. You don't get sick? No. No.

I kind of miss the spinning part. I know, but you'll get used to it. So how many of these do you do a day? I don't know. I lost count. You know, I could quit drinking for the rest of my fucking life if I have nicotine. Oh, dude. And I'm dialed in with this. I'm serious. Really? Yeah, yeah. I have one in the morning. I have one on the way to a workout. I could do one in a workout. That would be great. Yeah, they're great. That would be so fucking awesome. Yeah. You got to remember sometimes you're like, oh, yeah. Do you fall asleep with them? I have. I have.

I saw an interview where Joe was doing Zens. Really? And I was like, wait, Joe's doing Zens? Joe does the research. Yeah, it's nicotine, dude. Why don't you put one in? It's in right now, bro. Oh, you have one in? Yeah. Oh, my God. It's almost like being AIDS. You don't even know who has it. Yeah, I have it in. It's great. I had one in for a photo shoot, and I forgot. And you can see every photo. I'm like... Can you tell I have one in? I put one in my lip like that.

Let's put it here. Oh, God, it feels fucking so good. It feels like you're brushing your teeth. It's great. It's good for you. Never quit. I'm very proud that you took such good care of yourself. I think you look great. I feel great. I feel great. I will say that I'm not sober, so I don't want anyone to know. I've been smoking a lot of weed. I drank on the cruise. I drank in the Cayman Islands.

I drank like three nights ago, four nights ago. We went to a thing for out of school. I drank there. I don't have a problem drinking. I like drinking a lot. I'll drink with you tomorrow night. Okay. The one thing I'm telling you is that

Especially if you're like a big partier who looks at me and goes, oh, is he going to quit drinking? I'm not. Look, that's never going to happen. Here's the thing. I had said to myself in a speech a long time ago, I'll always stay healthy enough to keep drinking. Oh, I had not let that happen. I had gotten to a place where I was in a hole and it was like, it was a matter, like I had started two friends go to rehab within that time. Yeah, I remember. So I was like, all right, I'm back. So-

- This tastes so good. But yeah, so now I feel I'm way healthy enough to keep drinking. So yeah, we'll drink tomorrow night at dinner. I can't wait, I can't fucking wait. And I look forward to drinking. And by the way, sometimes I don't drink. Like a regular person, sometimes like last night, Leanne's like, "Let's get in the hot tub." Normally, immediately I go glass of wine.

And last night I went, no, let's just get in the hot tub and get to sleep early tonight. Nice. Like, let's feel good. Good. Well, you look good. I feel fucking phenomenal. And it's, and it's, uh, and I, and I will tell you, you know, a lot of the fans say that you're totally unrelatable now, but, uh,

I understand why you became unrelatable. Yeah. It feels really cool to buy a nice something nice. Like it fits your body. Oh, as opposed to just like a fucking bed sheet? As opposed to a bed sheet. Like as soon as your body fits in things, you're like, oh, I wouldn't mind getting a nice. God, I fucking love this thing in my mouth. Getting a nice jacket. I have no jackets. All my jackets are huge on me. I don't have a suit. I was like, I'm going to get a suit. I'm going to get jackets.

I'm going to get like, I can see my dick. Isn't that awesome? Oh, it's fucking insane. My dick looks so big, too. Well, yeah, you lost so much weight around it. It has gotten so much bigger. I've taken so many pictures, and I haven't even edited them to show you. Oh, I can't wait to see your dick again. Oh, I can't wait to show it to you. Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero launch box, superhero back.

But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat. Amazon, spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else.

I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um... With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. Once again, there is...

I've proven that there is nobody better to find your missing items, particularly your wallets and your purses, than me. I found a purse on the fucking street today. Yeah. Pull up to JFK. I step out of the car. And I just look down where your foot's stepping, and I see a strap.

And I reach down and it's a purse. It looks like it's been yanked from someone because the strap is unclasped. Yeah. And I'm like, it's a purse? I'm just grabbing my bags out of the car. As I grab this purse, you know the curbside baggage guys? Yeah. The guy sees me. He's like, oh. And he sticks his hand out. I go, get the fuck out of here. Right? I turn my back to him like, not you. Because I know I can see his. He's like, who knows what's in that, right? Yeah.

I'm like, I don't even like actually he says something else. I'm like, we're not even having this conversation. So I dragged my bags inside and he fucking follows me inside. He's supposed to be working the curb. Yeah. He just, he sees me inside because I unzip it and I start looking through it and he's like, what's in there, man? You know, he's like, he's like, is it great? He's like, are we going to split this? Yeah, we're chopping this up. So I'm like, motherfucker. So I pull out.

the driver's license. And I'm like, all right. Like, cause there's two versions of this. You can be like, I got to get to my flight. I'll take this home and I'll just mail it or something, you know, when I get home. But I'm like, well, there's a chance she's at the airport and there's a real high chance she's not at her flight because she left her ID. Oh, there's a huge chance. So I'm like, okay, what do I do? I just trying to like, okay. So I record a video saying what happened. And then I take a photo of her, uh,

photo on her ID and I post them and I just I'm like alright I gotta you know I gotta get to my gate so I start going through security and then I finally get to like the lounge right next to my gate she sends like all these people are like I'm her give me the like everybody you know everybody's saying that they're her and like you know jokes and

And then finally I see that she messages me and people start tagging like, this is her. So then she's like, I'm waiting at security. Can you bring it out to security? I'm like, all right, I got you. I go, okay. So she's like, where are you? I go, well, I'm at this gate. This has, that has a lounge.

She's like, my friend's coming. So I was like, okay. I run into her friend. They call me. First of all, the whole thing is like they are announcing my name. Tom Segura, can you come here? Tom Segura. So I walk out and like the whole fucking airport lounge staff is out. All of them. 15 of them are like, we're calling you? I go, yeah. And then they see what's happening. They're like, oh, this is for this? I go, yeah, I found her purse. And they're like, that's nice. Like you're a nice person. I go, yeah, of course. I'm not.

Look, I'm wearing a cashmere coat. Like, what do you think? So you looked so attractive in that picture. You did. You did. You've not been an attractive guy your whole life. You

You were when you were young and then you had a window of like messy Tom, which I fucking miss so much. The Tom that carried hot sauce in his car. I miss that Tom so much. You always say that. That was Christina's hot sauce. No, no, no. We've changed. We're unrelatable now. It's fine. I like this one. You like this one? Yeah. Dude, I'm unrelatable too now. I do tobacco. Yeah. It's awesome.

So it feels great. I run into Andrew. My heart's racing. It feels great. It's the best dude. Fucking great. Stimulants are where I don't know why smoking commercials had to put a guy on a horse to walk around. They should just have a guy hit a cigarette and go, I feel so much better. I feel so much better. Yeah. This thing gets you like, it's awesome. Well, Andrew, I run into Andrew at the lab. He's like, what do you, I go, yeah, he's, he goes, Oh my God. I give the lady the purse. She's like, I'm going to get it to my friend. Thank you so much.

Now I actually have like another 20 minutes to hang. I go, sure. You know, just give it to her. No problem. They're super, she's super thankful. Yeah. She leaves. Now when I'm actually leaving the lounge to go to my gate, the woman comes up the escalator. So I got to like meet her and she was so thankful. And like, you know, it was, uh, it was really cool. It was just a fun kind of thing. It reminds me of this. My favorite story you've ever told of when you found the dude's wallet. Yeah. That's my favorite story. That's my favorite story you've ever told me.

- I know you told it on stage, but when you told me, I was in the car laughing so fucking hard. - I definitely hadn't told it on stage. - And it was so fucking funny, but it's like, people don't get to see,

Part of you I get to see yeah, you know like there's a softer side like a really soft side of you Yeah, like you know it shows up when you do a podcast with Sickler yeah like it in a weird way. Um yeah, we had a really sincere one recently I saw it it's great and but but that you know you remember do you remember the story of when I found that ring it did at SeaWorld yes, and it I held on I Gotta be honest with you

You ever do something nice and feel like you don't get enough credit and you wish you had done the wrong thing? That's how I feel about cheating on my wife, by the way. I don't ever... She never comes home and goes, let me smell your dick. And then I pull it out and she goes, it's clean. We can fuck. But I deserve... And look, I'm being for real. Yeah, you deserve it. And this is conversations me and her have had. I deserve...

Think I'm getting the credit now. I think now that now that we're both getting older Yeah, I think she's like looking back going like why I couldn't have fucking cheated on her for the longest time But the last you know two years I could have fucking been slaying pussy Yeah, and but I know she's like thanks for not doing that now. She's like I can't believe I got this good of a guy Yeah, but what's crazy is I found a ring at SeaWorld. I held on to it for 12 years and

For 12 years. At one time, we were hurting for money a lot. And this is a sapphire ring. I think sapphire. What's the green one? Emerald? Yeah. It was an expensive ring with diamonds on each side with engravement in it. And I wouldn't, because I do believe that it's not mine. It's that person's.

I don't believe in finding something and keeping it. I believe in returning it. There's such a value in whatever tenants God sent down to the universe. And he said, hey, man, this isn't your shit. Return it. When you do the right thing, it feels so fucking good. And I held on to that ring for like 12 years, maybe eight years. You know how I tell a story. And it had an engravement on it. And then the lady hit me up. That's my mom's ring.

And I didn't get any credit for it on... I didn't even get the reward of returning it because when I gave it to her... You know I shot this in a video. It's out on the line. You can find it. When I gave it to her, David Wells' son, the pitcher who threw the no-hitter for the Yankees, David Wells' son was with me randomly. When I returned it to her, I said...

this is your mother's ring she goes thanks and I go is your mother still with us she goes no she's dead and I went oh she goes that's okay she was a cunt and I went okay yeah she's like yeah I said what are you gonna do with the ring she goes I'm gonna sell it I was like oh fuck I should have just sold it years ago and the reaction I got today like even though it was you know obviously the amount of time wasn't that much time but you know

I took it. I made the effort to give it to her and I got it to her and she was able to make her trip and everything still. But the reaction was the reaction you want. Like she was elated. Find something of mine. Yeah. I'll give you the reaction you're looking for. Yeah. No, it was, I give people the thing they want. The piece of shit whose wallet I found was the,

You know, I've said this before. I said it when I told the story, when I told it on stage. I think I talked about it in my book. But to me, it's so amazing that there's a thing, a detail in that, that I go, how is everyone not amazed by this? Which is that I find the wallet in a cab in Adams Morgan in Washington, D.C. Yeah. Right.

And I make an effort. Like, I go through, and it was a very unimpressive contents in the wall. But I was still like, this is someone's wall. Yeah. So, you know, a few bucks and this college ID. You know, I ended up talking to that kid's dad. And the dad was like, you know, he's a fucking loser. It's a piece of shit. What the fuck? Fuck him. Throw it away. Yeah. I was like, what? And I just, like, let it go. But I stared at that ID. You know, I stared at that ID for a long time.

And I still remember I was on M Street in Georgetown and I was meeting my cousin Jeanette for lunch. I can remember like it was yesterday. It's so funny I tell the story different. But we're on M Street. It was your cousin who doesn't speak very much English from Peru. No, this is a fluent English speaker. Why do I do that? So when we sat down and I look up at the waiter and I go, Justin? And he's like, how do you know my name? I'm like, dude, I found your wallet.

And he was like, you have it? I'm like, no. That's my favorite part of the story, as if you walk around with two wallets on you. I was like, no, I don't have it on me. And then he was like, all right, well, you want to hear about today's specials? I'm like, you don't think this is the fucking most miraculous moment of your life right now? Dude. Like...

I found your wallet a while ago. And I have your face embedded in my head. Someone I've never met. Just from staring at your stupid little picture. And he was just like, all right, well, I want to get it later. What can I get you to drink? Yeah. A Diet Coke. Can I tell you? Here's the thing. I'll give you.

what the universe asked me to give you in those moments. I'm gonna, I can just tell you, you so love that. I'm in love with it. I'm in love with it. I know you are. I'm in love with it. And I'm back. As a matter of fact, I want to find out. I don't even want to try this. Those actually, you'll won't like those compared to these. Really? Yeah. This one tastes amazing. Yeah. Um, I'm going to say this. Okay. I'm going to say this now. You can edit this out if you want. Yeah. But I'm going to say this. I was just talking to Ryan about this. Yeah. I was just talking to Ryan about this.

I don't know. Hopefully this will come out before the voting's over. So I got nominated for the top comedy tour of the year. Okay? Congratulations. Thank you. Pull it up on Pollstar. There's like five of us. It's me, Kevin Hart, Chris Rock, Adam Sandler. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're fucking never going to find it. But here's what I'll say. There you go. There you go. Me, Adam Sandler, Dave Chappelle, Kevin Hart, Matt Reif, and Nate Bargatze. Now...

Polestar, I want you to hear this, okay? Those guys will not appreciate this award. Oh, we're doing this? Okay. Yeah, I will, okay? You can give the award to Adam Sandler. Do you think that's getting on the mantle? Probably not. Do you think he'll ever walk into his office and go, fuck, man.

I forgot about the I Missed You tour. That was a fucking fun run. Do you think Dave Chappelle, the greatest living comic of our generation, arguably other than Kevin Hart or soon to be Matt Rife or right now Nate Bargatze is the biggest selling comedian in the world. Like he's selling crazy numbers. Do you think they're going to care? Do you think when they get that award, they're going to cry? Do you think they're going to cry and they're going to make a video and post a video of

talking about how Polestar is the greatest publication in the world when it comes to touring. They really do dial in what us touring comics and touring musicians care about and what the buyers care about and what the ad people care about. We do. Polestar is an amazing publication. I would be shocked if Matt Rife knows. I love Matt Rife. I'd be shocked if he knows what Polestar is. I'd be shocked if he knew he was nominated. To be dead honest with you, guys, you are the first piece of pussy he's having in an orgy.

Matt Rife's got everything going on. Burt Kreischer does not. So if you give me that award, this is my ploy to Polestar. If you give me that award, you'll get what the universe wants you to get. Wow. That's how I look at things. That was quite a plea for winning that award. That's a good pitch. Yeah. Kevin Hart, do you think? Kevin's definitely not even going to register that he won it. You know what he'll go? Like this.

oh cool it's like when a fan gives you cookies yeah and you're like thanks oh cool hey does anyone want those yeah and that's not sad i don't want cookies but you really want this award no i just no no you were talking about this and i saw that and when i got the list i was so honored and i was so honored and then i was going to post about it and then victoria's like well no one else has posted about it and i was like yeah they don't give a yeah i was like oh wait i give a yeah if you nominate so

Golden Globes are coming up. I'm sure we're both getting nominated for our specials. Sledgehammer. They're submitted. Submitted, submitted, submitted. Golden Globes are coming up. This is the first year comics have ever been invited to the Golden Globes. That's true. Yep. Sledgehammer is by far probably, if not the second biggest special on the platform, the

the third it's it's it goes it goes uh chris rock john mulaney and you and john mulaney are neck and neck i'm sure you too man my special was big but i mean it's not millennia it's not you i don't think so no but it was big but i will say this i will say this god damn it i love these fucking things tommy i feel the energy the juice that god wanted you to have when you were born i feel it it's in my mouth and it's coursing through my fucking brain yeah and it's i'm flowing quicker yeah here's the deal

Not to say John Mulaney doesn't care about a Golden Globe. Right. But Tom Segura does. No, I do. I think it would be amazing. It would be fucking amazing. You get a nice suit. It would be amazing to be nominated. That's true. Let's hear your acceptance speech. My acceptance speech? Off the dome. Off the dome. Ladies and gentlemen, the nominees this year for Best Comedy Special, the first year ever in the history, he will go down as, he or she will go down as the Best Special nominee.

First nominations are Chris Rock. Why did you have to slap me? I forgot the name of his special. I forgot the name of his special. Matt Rife. This is too much pussy. I don't know what to do with it. I forgot what his special's called. I don't know either. John Mulaney. I'm out of rehab. Sarah Silverman. It's me again. Yeah.

I don't know what name of everyone's, but Louis CK. Yeah. I don't need the industry. Shot at Madison Square Garden. Yeah, yeah. And Tom Segura, Sledgehammer. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner is, oh, by the way, I'm pitching myself as a presenter too. Oh, that'd be great if I presented this award because I go, ladies and gentlemen, Tom Segura with Sledgehammer. Thank you so much. Thank you. Well, to the Academy, first of all. Nope, nope. We're just golds.

The Globers. The Globers? I don't know. The Hollywood Foreign Press. Oh, yeah, baby! That's who it is, the Hollywood Foreign Press. Speak in Spanish, too, so half of them understand you. Oh, yeah. Muchísimas gracias a los putos que me dieron boletas para esta huevada. Mostly, I want to thank my co-host, Bert Kreischer.

greatest guy who I cannot believe wasn't nominated. I don't know if you know this, but he won the Polestar Comedy Tour of the Year and easily deserved this as well. So this is not, this is as much his as it is mine. I have kids and I have a wife, but I, Bert's the best. Thanks for giving me that award, Bert. And I'll say this is the first time I've actually given this shit about the Golden Globes and you guys finally got one right.

All right. Do me now. Okay. And watch it. Okay. Golden Globes, Foreign Press. I want you to watch the thunder I'll bring. Okay. To this year's Golden Globes. All right. Okay. And the nominees for the best comedy special of the year are Dave Chappelle and Kevin Hart and John Mulaney and Sarah Silverman. Okay. She's a woman. Matt Rife and-

Burt Kreischer. I forgot what the name was of my special. Okay. Razzle Dazzle. Okay. And the winner is, oh my God, this is so cool, man. My friend, Burt Kreischer, Razzle Dazzle. I want to take this minute. I just want to take one minute. Don't play the music. Don't play the music. I want to thank my best friend, Tom Segura. I was at the lowest I've ever been five years ago.

I was stepping on the treadmill. I was overweight. Tom was fat shaming me. We were redoing our house. I had Leanne wanted me to get a vasectomy. And I said, this is where I am in the business. And he said, buddy, we can get you to where you need to be together. Together. We'll focus on your podcast. Focus on your standup. And we did Rogan. Shout out to Joe Rogan. And...

Fucking. And I could really sell it. Yeah. If you put me up there, I'll really sell it. And I'll fucking cry. I will cry. Yeah. Real tears. Real tears. I think the Joe thing is a nice touch too because it kind of sticks it to them about like, you know, you're not really. I never got vaccinated. Yeah.

I'm on ivermectin right now. I got a fucking Zin in, baby. Yeah. Oh, fuck. That's a great time to get a fucking ad in. Yeah. Dude, you know what? This is what you get when you sponsor our podcast. It'd be really cool if you win a Golden Globe and you're just like, Manscaped, thanks so much for sending me that ball trimmer. Winter's coming and your boys need a trim.

Burrrr.

I think that would be a fucking gangster move. It would be amazing. To sponsor a comedian just like Golden Palace used to do. Yeah. And in that moment, just own it. And they tattoo your fucking forehead. Oh. That guy. I think he got like 10 grand or some shit. There was a chick on our cruise that had, tell me if this is the most Florida thing ever. By the way, she will be going on my cruise next year for free. Really? She had, there's two dudes. There's one dude with a micropenis and one, and this thing's awesome. Yeah. Yeah.

And this chick with two tattoos, one cheek had the state of Florida, the other cheek said harder. I mean, I searched out her ass, the whole crew. Someone showed me a picture of it, and I was like, I gotta find her. When I found her, I was with Leanne. I was like, get over here. We're getting a picture with her right fucking now. Wow. Fucking, and she was beautiful. Really? Yeah.

A shocking, I mean, and I mean this with respect, a shocking amount of hot chicks on this cruise. Really? A shocking amount of hot, a predictable amount of overweight men with beards. Yeah. A predictable amount of men in speedos, a unpredictable amount of alcoholics. I mean, we fucking, dude, this cruise, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this out loud, but we broke records in alcohol. Really? Yeah.

On the first night, the cruise ran out of vodka. They had to stop the next day and have a boat ferry out vodka. Oh, I know some vodka they could get. No. That won't happen next year. No. The cruise was absolutely the... And I've been very lucky to do some really cool things in my life. It was the greatest event I've ever been...

gifted the responsibility of throwing, meaning like the fans trusted me. Yeah, it was like your party. And it was, I mean, five days, four nights of absolute debauchery from all ends of the spectrum. From all ends. People like Catherine Blanford showed up ready to fucking party. Mark Norman, Sean Patton. I mean, dude, the Are You Garbage Guys?

Everyone played their part. Everyone did the thing you'd want them to do every day. They were at this game called Let It Ride. They did not know how to play. They did not know how to play. And every time he walked out by that table, it was Kevin telling Foley how to play once again. And they sat at that table. Fans played with them. We had a night where it was like me, Mark Norman,

It was all of us sitting at a table gambling. I'm shirtless smoking cigars. We broke every fucking rule. The crews let it happen. We had, you know, there's an epic speech that you ever hear the KFC guys tell the story about. I got the smallest penis. The KFC guy. Oh, no. It's the fucking greatest reclaiming of manhood I've ever heard in my life. Who says like. So Feidelberg's had a hockey tournament. Yeah.

It's a bunch of dudes, they're all fucking pounding beers. They're in the bathroom and one guy slams the door. By the way, I know I'm probably bastardizing the story. Slams the door and in a room full of 20 dudes goes, gentlemen, I have the smallest dick in the room. And then he drops his pants and he pulls out a micro penis and he starts flicking it with his finger and the place starts going wild. And then it gets quiet and another guy goes, no, I'm not.

I have the smallest dick in the room. And he drops his pants and it's even smaller than the first guy. Well, we did a speed. It's a, I love that story so much because it's guys with small dicks. Yeah. Owning having a small dick. Sure. So,

We get on the cruise and we do a speedo contest. Miss Pat, Catherine Blanford, Felipe Esparza is the funniest human being that's ever lived. That's ever lived. Big Jay Oakerson is by far the funniest man in the world. They're all on stage. They're doing a speedo contest. And one guy kind of shows his dick. And I say, I'll give $5,000 to the smallest dick on the boat.

And all I'll say is I had to break off $2,500 to two people. Really? It was. And we got a picture of it, which we'll never see the light of day. Yeah. Never see the light of day. Going down, going down to the grave with me. Impressive. Impressively small. How small? Like describe it. Do you ever see like the baby turtles when they get hatched and their heads go in? Yeah. Like really tiny? Yeah.

like really tiny heads, it was, one guy was a lot of pubis, like a lot of pubis and that's what made his dick so small. - So like the padded? - The padded, but this guy, like that little tiny head. That little tiny head and it was so, and he showed it to Miss Pat and Catherine Blanford. - What'd they say? - Give that man his money. It was so fucking epic. That was the first day, that was the first day and then,

The whole cruise was like every night we ended up in my, I had like a really big room. All the comics ended up in my room on the, we had a big deck in my room. Yeah. Smoking cigars, talking shit, talking trash. It was, and every comic that went,

Did their played their part meaning like they hung out with the fans they did amazing shows I mean people were lined up Jim Norton had a line for his show a line for his show every day his show would start at like Seven people would line up at five o'clock to get seats for a show every show sold out everyone that would get on stage miss Pat and

And Big J, fucking game changers. We brought Giannis Pappas. He fucking killed. Dude, Pete Lee is surprisingly garbage. What?

Pete Lee was selling drugs at like 11. What? Pete Lee is the most fascinating guy. Oh, he did Are You Garbage? He did Are You Garbage. Oh, okay. And in his story, the fucking room was like, what the fuck? It was so much fun that without a doubt, the first day, I sat down with the people and they're like, yo, we can't tell you numbers yet, but we're tracking this and this is going to be our biggest cruise we've ever done. Like, we want to do a bigger boat next year. We want to get, like...

And all I could think is, I want to bring the exact same comics. Because they'll all have new hours. But they all, it was like such a family. We'd all go, but we got a band called the Sundeckers. I'm sorry that I'm fucking up your name. I'm sorry. But we got a band that played Yacht Rock. So they played all the hits from the 80s. So did you do shows every night too? Every night I did a show. Every day I did podcasts. Leanne did her podcast live for the first time ever.

Are you garbage at a podcast? Mark Norman did one. I mean, everyone put on podcasts and shows during the day. At night, we're all shows up until 11 o'clock. We had karaoke and the karaoke was bad.

I would say by far the biggest hit because Sean Patton blew out his calf doing karaoke. His calf? He blew out his calf running. It was chaos because you've got 500 people, maybe 600 people in an atrium with one stage and every comic got on stage and fucking sang bangers. Really? And the fans came up, the fans sang, and if the fans came up, they could really sing. Like fans would come on, there'd be some dude with like,

long hair and a scraggly shirt and he'd get up and the second he grabbed the mic, you're like, holy shit, is that Bob Seger? Like it was so- I just saw a clip of a guy. So it's not the original guy who did it, but it was just like a 20 second clip on YouTube of this dude singing Soul Glow, you know, from Coming to America. No.

Like, you remember the solo? Yeah, I remember. Yeah. So this dude does it. They look like they're in a record store or something. His voice is so amazing. But he's so, it's so unassuming. I don't know if you can pull that up. But if you go on YouTube, this dude, it's just. Yes. This guy. Oh, I saw this.

I mean, I was like, you imagine if like that dude walked on stage and be like, what the fuck is going on? I gotta be honest with you. People who know how to sing when they do karaoke.

All of a sudden, people would be like in tears. Yeah, because you realize that it's a gift from the heavens. That's a voice that's put into you. You know what I mean? And they know their lyrics. They know their lyrics. It's a gift. Like that guy, he went full range. He changed completely. Did like them in different, I don't even remember the- Octaves? Yeah, that's-

That dude is like, it's a gift. Leanne, every night, was the first in line for fucking karaoke. Really? By the way, and I mean this, this cruise meant more to Leanne than anyone that did it. She was up with cocktails in the morning, a bottle of champagne. The second we got on the boat, I was like... Just like ready to have a drink? Well, because I was, you know me, I don't, I sweat shit heavy. And so...

I hadn't drank for like 83 days and I knew I was drinking on the cruise, but I was having a hard time getting into it because I, I honestly, I feel so good not drinking that when I drink the next day, I was terrified of the next day. Yeah. And Leanne's like, yo, go out in Miami, get yourself a really great bottle of champagne and, and really treat yourself. And what's crazy is that like,

You know, I don't know much about champagne, but I do know nori by the way write down kodak black We got to talk about kodak black. Oh boy fucking that is the craziest interview i've ever seen Nori, I think I texted with nori about restaurants and then and I see him. He's always drinking ace of spades Yeah, so it's like a spades ballet space. That's the first drink i'll have yeah We go up on the thing open the bottle and leanne was Baller like she knew I was weird about sugar too. Sugar was kind of the thing that fucked me up. She got me uh

She just come up with a pina colada. Hey happy have a great cruise, you know like the whole time Leanne had a blast every night her and Big J would meet up at sunset to watch the The topside I forget the name of the fucking band they'd sit up We all sit in this like sequestered area all the comics we'd smoke Cigarettes or cigars whatever allowed to smoke and we let the Sun set and we'd watch this band play all these 90s and 70s hits Yeah, Leanne had the greatest time ever

of her life. And then we faded it into a vacation. We went on our first vacation, just me and her for like in 25 years. How was that? It was, uh, the dock siders. I was right. The dock siders, they were fucking amazing. If you have a chance to hire the dock siders, they will pay, play every song, you know, by heart. And you didn't know you hadn't heard in forever. Those people were fucking amazing. We had Andy Frasco and the UN. We had, uh,

We had, um, who, oh, Sypha sounds like gangster. Yeah. The fourth night they find out weather's bad. They can't bring us all into shore. So they're like, we're just going to stay at sea, which by the way, I'd do again. I wouldn't do a fucking excursion. We stayed at sea, just went super slow, calm waters. So I've sound got up at fucking eight in the morning. Cause he knew people were up, went out, set up his DJ thing, him and Carter Cruz and we

destroyed and threw a party. Him, Felipe, Big J, they threw a party for everyone that was up and was going to go out and they started drinking. Mark Norman drank fucking sun up to sundown. The group of comics, and I feel bad that I'm not naming everyone,

Jim Norton dude. I was really cool is like I got to have a minute with everyone Yeah, I got to talk to yeah, it's really hard to sit and get Jim You know that's right the seller but like for me It's hard to get him just private and I got like a whole evening of just talk just talking to him chopping up comedy talking shit it's the bit is it was the single greatest thing and then we go on vacation and I

Leanne planned our whole vacation. We got a boat to take us out We went and kissed stingrays and went drank beers like when we get there Leanne's like guys like I could beer and Leanne goes two of them I'm like, who is this fucking? Yeah, yeah, do she the only thing she fucked up is I got the best Eavesdrop I've ever had in my life and she was talking over it. I had to tell her to shut her mouth. Okay, and

On vacation? On vacation. What was the eavesdrop? We're in a cabana next to another cabana. Sir, I apologize. If you're going to hear this story, you're going to know it's you. And he had just gotten into his third marriage or fourth marriage. He's from Canada. And this is what I hear as I get my drink, right? I light a cigar and I hear, oh, I almost killed my first wife on her honeymoon. She got frostbite. We had to take her to the hospital.

I go, frostbite, honeymoon, what the fuck? And Leanne goes, what should we get to eat? I go, shut the fuck up. She's like, what? I go, I'm listening to something right now. And this guy proceeds to say how his wife, for their honeymoon, they went horseback riding in Banff in the winter, and his newlywed wife gets frostbite, pneumonia, and then food poisoning, and she almost died. He goes, I should have let her go. Give us a message from God. And I'm like, I introduced myself to him. I was like, please come over to our command and tell us more stories.

And he was fucking, yeah, he was awesome. We had drinks with him and his whole group and he knew who I was. His other friends didn't know who I was. And then, uh, it was great, dude. It was, it was everything, everything about that. Like it was, if you had quit drinking for 83 days and you needed to like fall in love with alcohol again.

Like really, you know, like dance with her. Sure. Get to know her again. That was the way. That was the way to do it. I said to Peter, this is, and this is a bad analogy, but like alcohol is like a high school girlfriend. I lost my virginity to her. Like we fuck. We know how to fuck. We fight too. You know, it gets dirty. Like we don't fight fair because we're in high school. And we still, as long as we've dated, we never fought fair, you know? Yeah.

And then sobriety or weed, weed for me was like a new girlfriend. Sure. Like she was cool. Like she was different. Different. Chill. Very different. Not as argumentative, but also ultimately not really the person who tugs your heartstrings. Well...

She was like cool like I met her and I met her when I was she introduced you to some bands Yeah, there's been some bands like art. She likes art if me and alcohol saw the relationship me And we'd have alcohol be like who the fuck is this bitch? Yeah, the fuck do you guys do for fun? Yeah, but then I went back to my high school girlfriend and

And I and I came back she's like you seen anyone and I was like I put weed in my pocket I was like no no no it's just me and you I don't not see anybody and then we fucked his first night We fucked hard yeah, and we fucked we fucked like three

We fucked like ten nights in a row Wow we fucked ten nights in a row and and we would fight like it We would definitely fight in the mornings. She'd fight me like did you have a stroke last night? I'd be like, huh? What and like are we really going to the gym? Let's just fucking sleep. Oh, you know what? Let's just fuck again, and then I'd be like, okay. Well fuck it's what seems early to be fucking she'd be like, let's put in my ass I'm like, okay We'll put in your ass and then and then the last day like we're flying back from the from our vacation and

Realized like the I realized like how unhealthy our relationship can be at times especially when we fuck that much and we don't really talk about our emotions and we just fuck and by just we play with her asshole and And on the plane she was like are we still dating or what like you're acting weird with me? And I was like I do this other thing now and she was like she's like Bo bro It's a sleeper bed. It's a sleeper bed. The flight attendant knows who you are. We're good. We're good. Yeah, and

And I got home and weed, the first night I was home, we came up to me. It was like, Hey, did you have a good time? And I was like, yeah. And we was like, you're acting different. I was like, no, it's nothing. And we'd like, okay.

Should we fool around? Did you hook up with someone? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then I hit it and Weed was like accusatory as fuck. We're like, yo, your head's not right. Like, what's going on with you? And I was like, I'm back. I saw my ex-girlfriend and Weed's like, and you know what Weed said? What? That's cool. It's cool. It's cool, man. Hey, listen.

I get it. I date other people too. But right now, it's me and you. So I started dating weed again for like a straight week. No, didn't even call my high school girlfriend. Didn't even text her, nothing. She hit me up a couple times. - Sure. - Was like, "Hey, should we fuck tonight?" And I'd be like, "I'm doing other stuff." And then we had a big event for Isla's school and my ex-girlfriend was like, "Yo, you're definitely taking me, right?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I take you." She's like, "I got a dress for this." And I was like, "I know, I know, we're good."

So I took her and we had a fucking blast. We had a fucking blast. It sounds like you're kind of built to date two people. I think I'm in a thruple. Yeah, I think so too. I'm in a thruple. And then the next morning, do you know what we did? What? We was like, do you have a good time with your ex-girlfriend? I went, wait, you knew we were dating? She's like, yeah, I know you. You're cool, man. Yeah, you're cool. And so I fucked her. I fucked my new girlfriend last night. Cool. She's in my pocket right now.

Yeah, she wants to fuck tonight. I think we will. Oh, wow. Yeah, and then I did, I've been raw dogging her. I've been eating my edibles at night. Dude. It's the greatest thing. So now that we've gotten everyone into nicotine, let's get them onto weed. Yeah, I mean, edible for me, like a nice indica in the evening, about hour and change before I want to go to sleep.

It's the move, dude. And also, I came off of a show, got back, had dinner, then had it and got in bed, and I was talking about my act and thinking about it,

I mean, shit just starts. I had to get up and pace because I was just talking to myself so much and I was pacing around the room. When you realize the weed's taken over and you're like, wait, I'm in the, I'm talking to myself in the fucking pantry. Yeah. I was like deep. I was in deep conversation with myself.

I went, I got high and sat in my backyard and I had a cigar and I'm looking at my backyard and I started getting emotional about how lucky I am and like that I have this yard and I have these trees and these trees are safe with me. I'm not cutting them down. And then all of a sudden I'm like, wait, I'm like, dude, the best was last night, last night.

I had three, I got on an Instagram thread. I don't know what it was, but it was three of the hardest laughs I've ever had. It started with a woman doing a slingshot of a watermelon. Have you seen this? And the, and she goes, take that castle and let's go to the watermelon. And it goes back and then hits her in the face.

And I could not stop laughing. And Leanne goes, "Are you, hi?" And I was like, "I am." She's like, "It's not that funny, it's kinda sad." And I was like, "Baby, you gotta see it. "I'll text it to you, can you play it on the thing?" She gets, takes it, this is it! This is it! - Just focus. - I'm not giving up. - You've got this. - I'm just getting frustrated. - You got this, sister. You were super, super close. Right in the kisser. Show that knight who's boss.

That's good. Oh, God. Bro. That's a good edit, too. That's a good edit. My algorithm. Don't play the rest. I think she's dead. Keep going. My algorithm on Instagram is the darkest thing that humanity has to offer. I am now getting just homicides straight up.

Double and triple, like just straight up murders. And I'm like, this is Instagram? Like it's fucking insane what comes up. Because I'm in so many text threads with people who like we one up each other. Like, I found this one that now Instagram is like, oh, you want them boys? Like, you want to see some shit? And so every time I open it, it's just like someone getting stabbed.

Fucking jumping off a building on fire. It is so funny when you're high. It is so funny when you're high. Dude, I saw... I did last night. I did last night where I was seeing that kind of shit. And I had a moment and I go, I shouldn't just consume nothing but this for the hour before I go to bed. And I put my phone down because I was like, this is so bad. So dark. So wait, wait, hold on. I have too many thoughts going on right now. So...

So I had to change my algorithm because my algorithm was all comedy shit and podcast stuff. How'd you change? You just... So I would just start saying... Searching for other things. No, I'd say, do not suggest this. Oh, gotcha. Yeah, yeah. Because I was like, all I'm doing is watching other comics do great. And I was like... And ultimately, it ends up fucking with your head. And you're like... I came off fully loaded where we did The Gorge and sold it out. And the next thing I see is like...

Someone selling out as a theater and I go fuck I'm not doing shit with my life and then I was like well It's not healthy so I start its watches boat launches Yeah, and then I got into so like everyone knows I'm obsessed I'm obsessed and I know it doesn't maybe seem that way from the way I talk. Yeah, we're like Huberman Cam Haines dude hung out with Cam Haines and fucking Portland. Yeah, that guy is it?

Savage. He's got a new shoe that's fucking awesome. He and his sons. By the way, his two sons, one's a low-key gangster. The other one's a I'll do 5,000 pull-ups in an hour gangster. Yeah, the pull-ups thing. And then they also casually run marathons on their lunch breaks. And for lunch, they're eating elk they carried out on their back. Kim Haynes sat with me for about an hour and a half and just talked. And I was like, I was...

I could fucking talk to that guy for hours. 'Cause he's, and here's why I like him, he's not glitz and glam, he does the thing he says he's gonna do, and a lot of times, he doesn't tell you about half the shit he does. - For sure. - David Goggins, Jesse Itzler, like all these guys, I'm really attracted to that energy. So I started following all these guys, and I got, so that got into my algorithm. But then, this is the coolest thing I think I've realized, and my new girlfriend showed me this.

My new girlfriend really showed me humility. Like in a way I haven't seen it. So I'm into these like, and then all of a sudden you start seeing some dudes, not all the dudes, but some dudes are just jack dudes giving you life advice. Yeah. It was like, and some are just far based life advice. Like you're like, yeah, I don't have time to, I wake up at three in the morning and then I, that's when I get my first workout in. And then that's when the gym opens at six, I get my second workout. And then, and then I've learned that if I can cheat code and I'm just sitting there going like, and I'm not doing that. Yeah. Yeah.

I was in bed with Leanne after the big event we went to, and I took hit a weed, and I saw a dude. I don't have his info on me, but it was – I'm not trying to – the right way to say this because I need to show you the shittiness before I realize the brilliance of it. He was very regular, and he was like –

He's like, hey, I forget his name, but Thrasher, something Thrasher. And he's like, I'm going to show you how I get ready for my day. And he was like,

First off, I take a pound of frozen ground beef, put it on the counter. Put rice in the rice cooker, boom. Folgers. I dump it in. And when he said Folgers, my brain went, Folgers? What the fuck kind of life advice am I getting? I'm not going to get Folgers. What the fuck? And he's like, meal prep. And that's how I start my day. And I say that to this guy. I hope he understands this apology. At first, I go, is he teaching me how to be mediocre? Like, I know how to make rice and ground beef. Yeah. And then my new girlfriend said...

And this is the beauty of marijuana. That guy is every guy you know, every guy you grew up with, every guy busting his ass who watches, no offense, but Andrew Huberman and David Goggins and goes, yeah, I've been in the sun all day moving lumber. I don't have time to get into a polar plunge and a sauna and take my DADHD, whatever, all the medications. I don't have access to that, nor do I have the funds.

But I do want to better myself and this is accessible. This is how I can get a jump on my day. And then I started reading all those things and all those things are like, you know, it's

Like I don't I'm paraphrasing but like yo, it's okay to work on yourself and to go to therapy Yeah, and then I was like, oh that's every one of Leanne's cousins That's every dude I grew up with every dude working a real blue-collar job Would love a little bit of a hack on how to make their life a little more manageable so they can be there for the kids in the morning or be there at night when they get home their knife their day isn't overwhelmed and I went and I now I

My algorithm is filled with blue collar, uh, uh, uh,

life coaches like just dudes jacked who have motorcycles that are tatted up they're like yo I found Jesus a couple years ago and I'm better now and like and they just show you these life hacks for them and I'm like more of that please I wish I could say this guy's name it's something thrasher because I would love to give him the credit but he changed I smoked weed and watched him and I went oh yeah that's accessible like that's

I'm not going to get my blood work done by, which we can afford to do, Ways to Wellness. Ways to Well. Ways to Well. I'm not getting my blood work done and get on testosterone that's expensive as fucking shit. I'm just looking for ways to make my life more manageable. And God bless my fucking girlfriend, Weed, for just going like, just showing me. That's the beauty of getting high is your brain just thinks sideways about things. And then you go...

Yeah, more of that. I mean, also, keep with the Hubermans. Keep with all those guys. The more advice you can get, the better. But come from all ends. I like that shit. Yeah, that's very cool. That's cool. I love weed. Yeah. I love weed. It definitely is like it's the better of the two. I hope her and her roommate will let me fuck. Yeah.

Her roommate is cool as fuck. Before I forget, I want to shout out a little while ago, Eric Wynn sent us some watches. Yeah, sent us some watches, a couple of Seikos. Yeah, just wanted to say thank you because we haven't seen each other in a while. Also, I wanted to quickly tell, you don't even know, we've been working really hard on a special that we're releasing. Hold on. Yeah. Okay, finish this because I want to say, very seldomly,

has my mom called me and said, have you seen what Tom did? Very seldom. My dad will do it all the time. Dude, Tommy's fucking great. This fucking Tommy guy. I got to hang out with you and Tommy one time. I'd love to hang out with Big Albert. Oh, wait, wait. I didn't finish the thing. Say it because I'm about to. December 15th, we are dropping 69 Minutes, which is a special that we've been putting together for months. And so many people...

have participated in it. We have the, are you guy garbage guys in it? Joe list is in it. Ryan Sickler's in it. Brian Simpson's in it. What did Joe list say about me? Because he texted me. I haven't seen the episode. He destroyed. I know he texted me. He's like, I'm sorry I had to do that. No, he was like, Joe, I thought we were cool. No, no, no. He was, he just,

You know. - He can say whatever he wants. - Yeah, and he was also, we were like, he's like, "Everybody asks about this, I gotta." He was hesitant to talk about it. - I tell anyone. - He was sweet about it. - I don't mind. I think we've always had this agreement. By the way, we gotta hang on. We have so much to cover in this episode. - Yeah, yeah, wait, wait. - But wait, hold on, hang on one second. I gotta say, okay, okay, do not, okay, we got it. Keep going, keep going. - 69 minutes.

Comes out December 15th at YMHstudios.com. And it's a huge, huge group effort from everybody that works here, the entire staff. And like I said, all these comics. I got to give credit to Adam Lowitt, who has been writing and producing on this. But anyways, it's a huge endeavor and we're very excited about it. And it's our first time doing this type of

streaming special event well that's it I hope it fails horribly thank you and you focus on taking adventures with your mom oh yeah I got a lot of messages a lot yeah that's the greatest thing you've ever done a lot of people told me that yeah it was fun right can I just can I just give you my hurt Bert Bert the Conqueror list sure and can I take your mom on an adventure I want to take her swimming with sharks

I want to take her swimming with sharks so bad. So it's my favorite thing in the world. Yeah. And it's so much fun. But your mom is fucking gold. Yeah, she's great. She's really good in those. And like.

It was so fun because I took her. If you don't know. I'll take your mom and your sisters. I fucking, I love your family. I hung out with your sister and I've never enjoyed one human being more. I can imagine you'd sit at Thanksgiving quiet, just going shut, everyone shut the fuck up. Me and your sister could be twins. We could be twins. I think if your sister was in charge of adoption, your family would adopt me and kick you out. You're probably right. That is, your sister is fucking, your sister. She's like you. She's like you.

We couldn't get a word in edgewise talking to each other. She is the most, I don't want to get in too much of it because it is your family and I don't want to talk about your family, but like she is such an anomaly of a human being that as you talk to her, you're like, hold on, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're in the Air Force? Like what the fuck? Your sister is fucking awesome, but your mom is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

It was great. If there are people listening or watching that haven't seen it, if you go to my YouTube page, the Tom Segura YouTube page, we put a video together of what she was visiting Austin on her birthday. And I pitched it because I knew I had to at least pitch it right. I go, do you want to go for a helicopter ride on your birthday? Expecting her 100% to say no. I go, you want to go? And she was like, yeah, I'm going to go.

She goes, that'd be fun. I go, yeah, you know, I've been taking lessons. It'll just be like a nice ride. And I know what this helicopter is capable of because I've been going up in it. And that's the chopper that the Coast Guard gets. If you don't know anything about a helicopter, you will be shocked the capabilities of a helicopter. I mean, I wish if we could have covered, you would die if you know what this. It's doing things that.

other choppers that are set up differently. I mean, it has like five fully articulating blades. So the maneuvers it can do, you can't do in every type and every chopper, but it's, yeah, it's an MD 500 and, and this guy we've done it together. So I was like, Hey, when we get up there, I go, I'll fly. And then we'll do the signal. And then you do all those maneuvers. And he was like, for real. And I go, yeah,

And we had the GoPros mounted. And man, obviously we had to cut it down. The full raw footage, I mean, she's reaching over and hitting him. She's trying to, she's like, stop. And I could hear her going, think about your father. Think about your father.

- What he would say. - I could hear her screaming and then finally she just gives in. But he went vertical, he nosedived, pulled up at the last second, flew sideways through a ravine. Like he was doing bonkers shit in that thing. And she was losing her, it was the best. I was laughing so fucking hard.

And I couldn't see her. I was just laughing because I could hear her. And I knew what she was going through. And it's just, I've never been happier. My mom called. She goes, I want to meet Tom's mom. And I was like, I can make that happen. Oh, yeah. I can definitely make it. All right, let's talk about our favorite. I'm going to Tampa in March. Really? Yeah. Well, by the time this comes out, my new tour, the first leg is already announced. Really? Yeah, yeah. Just send your mom. I'll bring my mom. Oh, yeah. March. The...

The guest bears. Guest bears were really fun. I'll tell you who I was most excited for was Colin Quinn. Colin Quinn is such a fucking legend. The greatest. He was amazing. He was amazing. He's such a fucking legend. Such a legend, yeah. He might be...

He might be... I know you identified with when I told him, I was like, if I was going up on a spot and I saw you, I would look at my list and be like, I can't fucking do this in front of him. I would have to second guess everything. He's the best. I mean, he just is...

Like our, he's like our Benjamin Franklin, like the statesman that's had nine different careers. And then all of a sudden now he's running the country. He's a joke that I told that he doesn't even remember. I love when you tell a comic, Oh, you know what joke I loved yours. And you say it to them and they go, I don't even remember that. Yeah. Like Kurt Metzger said to me, Kurt Metzger one time,

I just saw him the other day. Kurt Metzger is Kurt Metzger 100% of the time. 100% of the time. He's also super hilarious. Oh, he's so fun. Kurt Metzger just came up to me. We're at a big Hollywood event and everyone's talking Hollywood shit. Kurt Metzger just comes up and he goes, can you believe, just out of nowhere, can you believe we used to think monkeys, someone fucked a monkey and that's how we got AIDS? Can you believe we believed that? And I'm just like, huh? And Leigh-Anne goes, huh?

And he's like, we used to think that, but, uh, uh, Kurt Metzger has one of those, has jokes like that, that I told him that night that he does not remember telling Colin Quinn has a joke. He doesn't remember telling about, he goes, that is the new save the polar bear ad, save the polar bear. And you guys are, and they're all cheering for that. Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you something. If a polar bear walked into this room, you'd be throwing chairs at it.

I mean, he is the, Colin Quinn's the best. Matt Rife. How was Matt Rife? I didn't listen to that one yet. It was great. Matt Rife's fucking money. It's like, I mean. His special just came out. It's probably number one on Netflix right now. I'm sure. It's really, you don't, everybody probably dreams of having what happened to him. And I don't think it's a thing that most people can handle. And what I mean is that,

his whole life completely changed dramatically in a 12 month period. Like we talk about it when he, when he came on, but one year prior to when he sat down there, he was like, I was clearing like $300 for a gig. He was doing my podcast. And yeah,

And he, one year before, I mean, I'm being saying this with love. Yeah. A year before, a year and a half before I had Matt Reif on the podcast. Yeah. And it maybe got like 15,000 views on YouTube, on YouTube. The downloads are different, but like on YouTube, that's the test of like, if it's going to, you know, and I was like, I was like, God, it was a good interview too. We talked about his dad and we talked about Ralphie and we talked, it was a great interview. Yeah.

And I was like, God, man, this kid's going to pop him. Trevor Wallace. The dudes that are just like, sure. Like they come on there, they deliver. Yeah. But, uh,

And then he popped, and all of a sudden it's at like $7 million. Yeah, I mean, the thing is that, like I said, everyone thinks in your 20s, you're like, I want to be a superstar. I want all this to happen. But it is a lot. And I think the way that he is handling and managing that is actually very impressive. And we talked just a lot about how his life has changed and what's happening. And he's already making, I think, pretty –

really sound decisions for someone who's like 27 and just got like the world handed to them, like seemingly overnight. Because what happens is the industry, sometimes the industry doesn't know anything other than it's like when, uh, it's like when they put pizza out,

at a buffet or sushi and you just grab the first sushi they see that's what the industry does yeah and sometimes that means you're just getting a bunch of california rolls you didn't see what's coming out later yeah but matt rife has in i there should be a documentary film crew following him right now yeah because this trajectory is unlike anything we've ever seen yeah and the only person that's close to probably and not even close to but like similar to yeah is chapelle

with his trajectory and stuff? - Chappelle was at a younger age, probably 17, was given the keys to the kingdom. Chappelle, the story is, at like 17, he went to Montreal

And he did two different 30-minute sets to showcase. Yeah. And the industry stopped. It was like, this is the guy. This is the guy, yeah. He did two different 30-minute sets. Well, his production company is called Pilot Boy because he did like 11 pilots in a couple years. He did everything. And Chappelle, and I think Chappelle would admit it,

he had some emotional bumps along the way, like losing friends, losing managers, losing agents, like fucking going to Africa. Chappelle paid the tax through mental health with it and is on the other side of it, but with so much wisdom. Yeah. You look at a guy like Matt and you're like, I don't know. I mean this sincerely. And I...

I'm really glad it didn't happen to me. Yeah. Like I could, I would have, I would have fucked it up. I was not, I would not have been prepared for that. I'm so lucky. I told Adam divine one time we were at a bar in like Spokane and he had sold out the theater and I'd sold out the club and we all came to this bar to party. And I've known Adam since he was younger. Yeah. And he said to me, congratulations on selling out the comedy club this weekend. And I said, yeah, I,

Thank you, but I hope you know how much that means to me I say you're you know your career is on a fucking rocket ship, but you I wish I could gift you Just in in like in like a pill where you could take it and feel it what it's like to work For 20 years and then get success. I would never you'd never want someone to have to do that Yeah, because it's 20 years of going fuck. What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?

Am I doing the right thing? Everyone starts blowing up around you. Yeah. But to get out on the other side of it, it gives you such amazing perspective. And you feel so full of gratitude so many times that like, you're like, you're just like, and you, you, you knew me that entire time. So I don't need to say this to you, but then you go, fuck. I mean, everyone wants what happened to Matt. Everyone wants it. Yeah. But,

Could you come out on the other side? Like guys that that happened to, Matt Rife, Ashton Kutcher. Yeah. Ashton Kutcher was in LA for like 13 days. And then he got-

- Really, that quick? - He said, "I'll give myself two weeks." He was like, "The 13th day." By the way, I'm paraphrasing. I'm sure it's longer. I'm sure it was like six months. - I think also, do you remember that actor, Josh Hartnett, was that his name? - God, he was gorgeous. - He came to LA. The story was, I think the story was that he booked his first audition. First or second audition. - What's he doing now? He is fucking perfect. - He's still acting. - Yeah, he just doesn't do-- - He is fucking perfect. He is perfect. - Okay.

He is so fucking attractive. Yeah, look, he's an Oppenheimer. He was, oh yeah, that Operation Fortune, that was that Netflix one. He was really good in that. He plays the actor, like the action actor. He was great in it. Dude, Josh Hartnett is the fucking man. And Josh, if you're wondering, Burt finds you absolutely perfect. He is perfect. He didn't need hair plugs. Did you ever see the Lucky Slevin?

Lucky Slevin? Type in Lucky Slevin. Is that Josh Hartnett? Please say I got the right guy. Lucky number Slevin? There you go. Dude, in that movie, he plays like, that movie is fucking amazing. It looks like it. Damn, it's got 7,500 five-star reviews. That's nice. Josh Hartnett, by the way, Josh, if you're still in LA, we're always looking for guest bears.

But I will try to kiss you. And that is a promise. I think, isn't he like Minnesota? Am I wrong? Is he living in Minnesota? God, fuck those guys. How the fuck do they get? I wish I had the balls to fucking. We were talking about when I go to college, like, why are we going to stay in LA? Yeah. You know, like, should we Bruce Willis it and get a fucking place in Sun Valley and just fucking live there? We were really honestly talking about Austin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, because two reasons. One.

My bus to come back to L.A. is putting an extra 5,000 miles on it. That's crazy. Get a place here. Stop being gay. Get a place here. We've talked about it, but there's so many places. And you look at guys like Josh Hartnett who just go like...

Yeah. Okay. Cause there's a guy Carter Osterhaus. You know, that is who Carter Osterhaus. No, he's a fucking design guy. Like a builder. He's fucking him. And all his brothers are gorgeous. They're fucking, they live in, they live in like Michigan on a, on the lake. They all have speed boats. They took us out for fully loaded. John, look at him. He's fucking goddamn gorgeous. Let him walk into him. You know, Leanne said she would let me and Thor run a train on her.

that's cool she would let us and i she goes i'd be in a threesome with you guys i go no that's that's a train that's both of us fucking you she was like okay i'd be into it you'd be in she'd be into that she'd be into is this her is this her like the top one she said i could be there i think is technically what i could get towels for them but is she a big hemsworth that's her guy that's her guy yeah that's like it like if he tries to kiss her in front of me yeah i gotta let it happen

By the way, Chris Hemsworth, I know you're a big fan. Do you have one for her? Do you tell her who you get to kiss in front of her? No, I don't really have one. Yeah, I was asked that too, and I was like, I don't know. Christina was like, who's the actress that you're like, oh, she's, I'm like, I don't know. I have a little, like Jessica Chastain's pretty perfect. Yeah. Our fucking pilot that flew me in today was fucking hot as shit. The pilot? Yeah.

Was it United Airlines? Mm-hmm. The hottest? And you're a great pilot also. Yeah, big respect on your flying skills. But she was. Gorgeous. She looked like Jessica Chastain. Really? She came out, and I got off. I didn't drink on the flight, but there was really bad turbulence coming in. Mm-hmm. And she was like, yeah, the turbulence is pretty rough, huh? And I was like, yeah. And she goes, yeah, we don't really feel it up front. And I was like, you were working up front? I thought I knew all the flight attendants up front. Yeah.

And then someone was like, great flight captain or whatever. And I was like, oh, you're the pilot. And then I thought I was bad. And then older fucking Austin money dude went over and handed him his baggage claim ticket. And he goes, are the bags coming up here? She goes, I don't know. I'll check. She was really cool. But I guarantee type in hot flight, hot United pilot pilot.

Those pilots have great Instagrams, by the way. All the pilots do these Instagrams are all like influencers. Oh, there's your pilot. Oh, I know that guy. I follow him on Instagram. You follow the hot guy? Yeah, he's on The Bachelor. Oh, really? Yeah, I follow him. His workouts are non-negotiable. Nice. I fucking follow this fucking cunt. I follow him. Shit. Yeah, he's on The Bachelor. He's like in great shape. Isla and George, Isla and Leanne are watching.

The Bachelor and The Silver Bachelor. Oh, I've seen the commercials for that, but I've never watched it. Silver Bachelor's pretty cool. What is he, like 60 or something? I think he's like 70. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a grandfather. He's not 70. I think he is. I see how old The Silver Bachelor is. There's no way. The Silver Bachelor. Yeah, The Silver Bachelor age. And at no point does he say stuff that I would say. You're right. Like where he goes like, I just blow loads in these chicks. No. Menopause. Menopause.

Wow. 71 and then the fucking chicks are fucking, I'd hit it. Really? And Isla hates that. I was like, I'd still fuck her. And I was like, dad. And I'm like, what? That's how people watch these shows, right? Yeah. That's totally what they're thinking. No. Shut up. Is that her? Hold on.

no no no no no no no but goddamn you're fucking close you are fucking close she if i can see who she follows i guarantee she follows another hot pilot this pilot's red hair uh uh more petite okay but man she was fucking beautiful yeah if she had just come out and been like hey guys we're gonna hit turbulence but don't worry i'm on it everyone would have been like

Okay. I know what I'll be thinking about when I... Well, look, dude, I'm glad we got together. It's good to see you. It's good to see you, too. We're going to have some fun tomorrow. What's the name of this stuff I have in my mouth? Oh, it's Rogue. Rogue? Where do you get it at? Fucking gas station. Oh. Yeah. I know. You ready for another one? I mean, I don't know. How soon can I have another one? All day. Stay in the zone. I'm moving up top. Does it look cool when you wear it like this? Yeah, it does. And actually, some people think they feel it more up there.

It burns again. It's back. I follow a bunch of kids on Instagram. What?

All right. We're both upper deckers. Thanks for watching and listening. We'll learn about those kids next time. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.