Strip Club Stories w/ "Dr. Phil" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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All right, guys, here at Two Bears, we are always, we want to get better. We want to learn. We want to grow and we want to heal. And we thought, what better way to do all those things than to bring in an expert? So sitting in with us today is the one and only Dr. Phil.

Appreciate it. Good to be here. Long time fan. First time caller. Nice to see you guys live in the flesh. I've gotten some accidental dick pics from Bert through airdrop on an airplane, which is how we met. I don't know if you remember that. I do remember that. I was fucking wasted. Yeah, you were. So was I. I think that's I'll walk by and I'll go machine.

And they said, sit down, sir. You're in coach. And then he was up in first, and I sent a vodka soda up there. And he said, I have my own now. And I said, okay, humble brag. Have you had it? I haven't, and that was my next question is, I don't drink in the day a lot unless I'm going to eat my wife's pussy, but...

I would love to have a taste of Poroso's because I've heard nothing but good things. How do you like it? Straight up or do you want a mixer? A little soda. A little soda, maybe a couple rocks. Can you pass me that glass? Sure. If you lower your voice, stop yelling at me, Tom. Sorry. It's okay. Now, I know you guys have been friends for a long time, but is there something you need to make a friend? Do you need a connection? Do you need a hobby that you both share? I think so. I think so, too.

Bert, what's the first thing you... If you could drop that louder, Tom, that'd be great. Bert, was there something you first saw in... There we go. You're going to break the fucking... Okay. God damn it. I'm having Fourth of July flashbacks. When we have barbecues at the Phil House, people get fucking cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Really? I'm telling you. Oh, yeah. Well, first of all, on my wife's side of the family, there's always cousins that show up that I've never met. They're looking to kind of...

squeak some pennies out of the fill of the titty, so to speak. That's got to be tough. You guys probably have that. People climbing up the tree asking for cash. Oh,

Oh, Tom does. Tom does. Tom definitely does. How do you deal with that? Because you don't want to be rude. Oh, no. Tom's rude. Yeah. Okay. Tom's rude. Well, Cher, let me in on that because I'm too nice, you know? First of all, you have a lot more money than we have, so I think it's kind of a different ballpark. How could you tell from the way I walked in? Or is it the way that my zipper is broken right now? When I just peed in your bathroom, I had to pull my penis over my pants. True story. Huh?

I don't lie. Both of those are dead giveaways of your network. Well, also, I throw hundreds at the strip club. People like to do ones. And I'm not a big strip club guy per se, but, you know, because I talk to the girls because they're people. You know, they're lower bottom of the barrel people. Yeah. But they're, you know, they're looking to, most of them have kids, you know, whether they tell you they do or they don't. They do. You can look into their eyes and be like, fifth grade? And they go, huh? And you go, that's how old.

you know, Jacob is, he's in the fifth grade. And he's like, how'd you know? I go, well, you got a tattoo of them on your clit and you know, and my fingers touching it. So I don't want to say I'm a scientist. You'd be like fucking, you'd be like a wolf going into those strip clubs. Just going. Well, my heyday for sure. One over there. Yeah. Daddy issues. Yeah. You can tell. And look, we've all got issues. I talk about that in my book. We've got issues. Okay. Oh yeah. So it's a perfect segue, but I appreciate Jesus.

Yeah, well. We've got Jesus. Well, we all know you can't read, but that's not your problem. It's our problem. We've got to figure that out together. That's not soda water, Tom. It's okay. It's all right. It's the lemon lime. Okay. That's the most popular one. Yeah, and I'm a big Sprite guy. Okay, good. Spider 7-Up. Sorry, there's no story there. Let's go real quick. Spider 7-Up. Would you like some or no?

Fuck, I just spilled it on my pants. Sorry, I got nervous. I am nervous. I'm a big fan of you guys. This is arguably one of the best podcasts on the planet. I'm thankful that you guys joined forces because separately you're doing a lot of damage. But together, it's true. All right, well, let's try to pour you a compliment instead of just suck down your booze. Soft pour or heavy pour? Heavy pour. I'll tell you this, Bert. I'm a sprag over 7-Up, but when Godfrey was a spokesperson for 7-Up, that got me hard. Yeah.

Because I love that. I forgot about that. Fresca can suck my ass. Fresca is so fucking good. Okay, what about... Okay, delete my number. What about Faygo? Would you call me? I thought this was a children's show.

No, Faygo's not a drink, but it is a choice of living. Yeah. Do you like orange drink? I can say that. Are you an orange drink guy? I love me an orange crush. Yeah. I'm more like a soda for breakfast guy. Soda for breakfast? Well, you know, I think that's what I said. Yeah. Well, there's orange crush and then there's Sunkist. Yeah. But, you know, there's been ties to skin cancer with Sunkist. Really? Well, you can read about that in my book, We've Got Issues. Yeah. Chapter 5, Soda and Skin Cancer. Yeah.

They're connected in more ways than one, but I think grape sun-kissed is... I'll fuck with that. You know, what would you do for a Klondike bar? What wouldn't I do to a stranger for a grape sun-kissed? To start the day, too. Yeah, Frosted Flakes and a grape sun-kissed. Holy shit. Try it out. I know this motherfucker will deep throat some Kool-Aid, but try a purple sun-kissed. Buddy, I go... We had a... Take your time. Sound it out. Jack in the box. There it is.

We had a Jack in the Box behind our house, and I would go get 32-ounce diet grape Fantas. Yep. And I remember one time Isla said to me, hey, is your shit green? And I said, yeah. And she goes, it's the Fanta. Yeah, Fanta, yeah. It contributes to a poor discoloration of your fecal matter. I'm going to take a sip real quick. Hey. Hey, cheers to you guys. Cheers to you. Hopefully new homies, but I've been watching from afar and I dig it. Cheers. You're going to have some too, Tommy? Yep. I love that. Here we go.

That's fucking tasty. Where's my that's fucking tasty cam? Right here. I'm telling you this much. If you've got a rainy day or even a sunny day and you're looking to take it from 5 to 10, maybe that fat chick's going to be a little late coming over to your house and you've got more time to fluff the pillows on the futon for her to sleep on.

So you want to fill up the downtime, but fill up your heart and your soul. We'll grab a nice cup of Poroso's. You can mix it with just about anything except Purple Sunkist. Save that for the morning, player. Bottoms up.

Second time, just as good. It is the ninth at the end of the night. It's perfect too. Do you like shots of it better? Like if you're trying to tell the fans how to drink, you know, cause they want to drink with you guys, Tom, do they, do they want to drink with you more than they do with bird? Because they know you're probably not getting as fucked up. I think they think it's more of a rarity. Yeah. So they get really excited when they drink. Yeah. Like my fans will bring weed to the show. Do they? Yeah. And, uh,

I don't, you know, I'm on a decent amount of edibles right now, but I don't like to smoke in public because I got an image to uphold. But I do like, you know, if Snoop Dogg, if Joe Rogan wanted to smoke, you know, I'd smoke with Joe Rogan. Yeah. You know, I'd eat...

I eat just about anything with Joe Rogan, you know? Oh, he'll get you to eat anything. Yeah. He does, right? I think there are certain people that coerce you. Oprah, when I first met Oprah. What was that like? Bananas, you know? Don't cancel me. I didn't say bananas because she's black, but it was, bananas is my new catchphrase when I get excited. When you get excited. I go. Bananas.

Oprah, yeah, it's bonkers. There's another one I got with her. That's another new one. But Oprah is one of those people that doesn't feel real. Yeah. You see her, it's like, when you met Brad Pitt, I'm sure it was similar. Yeah. You can't believe you're actually meeting him. You can't fucking believe it. Is he as hot as they say? Dude, he was fucking perfect. Gorgeous, right? Perfect. And he's 60.

No, he's not. Yeah, he's 60. Get the fuck out of here. I met him. He was 58. Who's more attractive, Jason Aquaman or Brad Pitt? How are you going to put me on the spot? Boy, also, so many Jasons. Isn't it funny that I went with Momoa? Because I could have said Statham or Jason Patrick is an actor. Jason Patrick was gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Most Jason, Bateman?

I'm still taking it. Yeah, he's still got it. Okay, here's a fun game. Let's find an ugly Jason. Because so far we've said three hot Jasons. Jason the fucking How I Met Your Mom. Jason... What about Jason... Who's that guy? Jason the serial killer from the...

Friday the 13th. Still hot, though, Tom. Bad example. Oh, shit. Jason Biggs from American Pie? He's good looking. He's good looking. In person, he's very good looking. That pie had no problem being penetrated by him. No. Jason, what's the guy's name that showed his dick in... Siegel. Jason Siegel. More attractive now, but not that attractive as a younger dude. If you put him up against Pitt or Bateman. Now, what did he say to you? Did he say something about your comedy that you put in the Spank Bank? Pitt? Pitt?

He, he said, he was like, there was a Laker game on in the green room. And so we were just standing there, there was music on and he was like, so is this what you do?

And I go, what? He goes like, to get ready for your show. I think he thought it was more like you're getting ready for like a play. Sure. Like I was like, yeah, dude, we do like. You're going to rehearse your bitch in the mirror like a psycho? This is show 175 of this. Yeah, we're good. And he was like, oh, okay. And then he introduced himself to everybody like you would. I'm assuming you'd still say I'm Phil to everybody. Oh, sure, yeah. Even though everybody knows who you are. So he did that and everybody was, everybody was geeked. I mean, it's funny to be in a room with someone like that where you see everyone just kind of go like,

Hi, they're all so excited to meet him. So that was kind of fun. And then I was pretending to not be. I was like, yeah, cool, man. It's fun to. But then I also you had asked me before, who do you ever nerd out on? I totally told him the story of when I was in middle school and we would go to the movies all the time as a family or, you know, and my sister picked the movie that week.

Which was... A River Runs Through It. Was it A River Runs Through It? Is that the one with the long hair? Yeah. No, no, no. Legends of the Fall. Legends of the Fall. With Bruce and Kidman. Legends of the Fall. No, no, no. That's Vampire. No, no, no. There's another movie. Bruce and Kidman is...

A Thunder. No. Days of Thunder. Shut the fuck up, Tom. Eyes wide shut. No. Jerry Maguire 4. No. I was being Tom for a second. I was saying another movie that's incorrect. But those are movies they're both in. No, it's not Last Samurai. Kidman's got long hair. They're in the fucking...

wilderness they're irish and they get to this country she's a whore and he's a boxer and he loves whores no he's a who he's a boxer he's a fist fighter it's it rhymes with legends of the fall or it's like that's not right tom i'm gonna fucking pour osos on your cock

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Far and away. Far and a fucking way. Boom, see? Okay, no, that's not what we were fucking talking about. Okay, so you saw Legends of the Fall. Legends of the Fall. I'm trying to make conversation. Go ahead. It fucking has nothing to do with what I'm saying. So I tell him that we go to Legends of the Fall, and I was like, I don't want to see this fucking... Right. You know, he was like the cute guy that all the chicks would talk. I was like, I don't want to see your gay fucking movie. Yep. And that...

like whatever an hour into that movie my older sister Maria leans over to me and she goes are you crying and I was like no you fucking bitch and I was totally crying at his performance and so I told him that I think he was amused by it but that was

But that was it. I mean, he was super nice. He stayed for the whole show, which is also a thing because a lot of times celebrities like yourself, they go, they come to the show and then you go, where are they? And they go, oh, they said they had a great time. Oh yeah. He stayed for the whole show, came back after the show. Huge. Could you FaceTime him right now?

Absolutely not. Do you have his number? No. You do have his number. Because you didn't want to ask for it or because you just go, this is cool. I don't need to be friends. That's kind of how I am now. Once you get into your 60s, you know this, where it's like, how old are you, Bert? 51. I just found out I was 51. He just found out. What do you mean by that? I thought I was 52. How do you forget who you are?

This isn't the first time this has happened. Yeah. This is how you forget, by the way. Yeah. Wait, so is there a difference between 51 and 52? Oh, 51 felt so much better. Right. Especially thinking you're 52. Yeah. People say, not to name drop, but Oprah said 60 is the new 30. And then I think Jennifer Aniston even said 40 is the new 20. But then it's like, you know.

It's not, but you feel good. But this is why people are getting so many surgeries. Ozempic, I don't support it, but I'm on it. But I don't need it, but I abuse it. I don't love it, but I can't stop. Does that make sense? We're on team. We're on testosterone. Oh, me too. Yeah. Yeah, I'll get an injection just because I'm bored too. But I...

But now, does that help for the muscles or is that just all Bowflex? This is all Bowflex. This is pushups. I do a lot of prison workouts. I do prison burpees. Have you been to jail? No. Never been arrested. Well, I don't believe you. I've been in. I don't believe me either. Yeah. You feel like a guy. Actually, you know what? You feel like a guy that can charismatically persuade a cop to let you go.

That's a big compliment. I did. Before you were famous, I bet. I persuaded a cop one time. I know you did. That's why I fucking just said that, Bert. Yeah. Tell the story, please. Cops pulled up to our college party at Indian Village and I blocked them in with my car. I pulled my car up. I was drunk. I pulled my car up and I blocked them. As a joke. As a joke. And then the cop said, I'm going to need you to move your car. And I said, I've been drinking. And he said, I've been drinking.

And he goes, what? I said, I just got a drink. And he goes, actually, I can test your blood right now and find out if you've been drinking before this. How about this? How about we take you to jail and we'll find out if you've been drinking. And I went, excuse me. And he goes, he goes, no, it's a funny thing. Let's get the cuffs out. Let's go. And I go, hold on. I don't want to go to jail. And he said, no, I bet you don't. No one does.

But you're going to jail tonight. You're going to learn a very valuable lesson, son. And I went, I'll move my car right now. I'm so sorry. And he went, why don't you go do that? And I got in the car with a drink in my hand and I backed it up and I went, I'm never fucking with the cops again. Holy shit. So he let you go. Yeah. Well, you tugged at his heartstrings. I did. That's a big deal. Do you guys find in your life, and Tom, you can answer me first on this, that you find like you're getting more sensitive as you get older? Do you cry if your kids do something? Right? Bert, your kids are a bit older, but Tom, like...

And both of you can answer this, I guess. Do you find like they do stuff and you go, God damn, like I didn't expect to be so emotional over that moment. Like you just shit on the rug, but I still love you, first of all. But, you know, I'm going to rub your face in it to teach you a lesson. Sure, yes. Old school. Old school, yeah. And I'm still, I'm not a big fan of spanking. I'm more like shove your head into the door, you know? Yeah. Because it doesn't hurt as much. A spank can stay with you for days. You get smacked into a fucking, you know, that corner of the doorstop part.

You just, you know, it's a quick impact. And then you're back to reality. You check your email 12 minutes later. I body check my kids a lot because I feel like it's a way to get out. That was my next question. And they're how old again? Five and eight. Yeah, that's prime age to get fucking Wayne Gretzky into a fucking laundry machine. I was at a bar in New York when I was young. Does story get better? It does. And we were on coke and there was a girl talking wild shit. And a guy put her over his knee and spanked her.

And the whole bar went crazy. It was fucking like four in the morning. It's called Mary Lou's on 13th. And he put her on her turn and it was like, fuck yeah! Oh my God. Yeah, she'll never forget that. Oh,

Was that Mary Lou Redden's in New York? No. Remember the gymnast? What a fucking hero she was. She had a bar. She did not. She did not. Sorry, that was my attempt at stand-up comedy. But what, I have 50 minutes on Mary Lou Redden. She had a bar. She had one here and then one here. Yeah. And she'd swing in between them.

That was my attempt. No, that's good. Yeah, we'll stick to the stories. Yeah, now, there is something to be said about drinking during the day that's more fun, arguably, than at night. Yeah. You know, why is that? Everything's better during the day. Sex during the day is always better than sex at night. I'll agree with that. Blowjob during the day, oh, outshines a blowjob at night. How about there's a blowjob during the day while she's driving?

So it's roadhead from the person driving. Yeah. It's more dangerous. That's very dangerous. Oh, yeah. And I'm into dangerous sex stuff, you know? Are you? I don't think people would know that about you. No, well, they do know. If you read my book, we've got issues. Chapter nine is you got to, you know, take yourself out of your comfort zone and get a blowjob while she's driving. Wow. That's a long chapter about that? Yeah, it's a long title, but...

But what I mean by that is, you know, when you're in your comfort zone for too long, I mean, equate it to stand-up. You guys write, you go, oh, this joke maybe feels a little edgy. Cancel culture is an issue, but also I think you guys rise above it.

But I guess a road blowjob is, and I don't like to get them every day, but I usually call the shots on when it's happening. You do. You just tell her. Well, she wants that from me because I started off being a little bit passive, and she'd have to wake me up and a little finger action. I never was a finger in the butt guy until, and stop me if this is too personal about it. No, no, no. It's great. It's great.

But I think that a thumb is the quickest way to get me to go, oh, I guess it's time to get up. But a couple fingers lets me know that it's my birthday. Yeah. How about toys? You ever do toys up there? Yeah, we've done toys. Wait, sex toys? Yeah. In your ass? Yeah. No, like slinkies. Do we ever play with a slinky down the stairs like in the late 80s? Did you ever do a toy up the ass? No, I tried. I tried with you.

You guys did some fun stuff. We tried those butt plugs. Yeah. A butt plug is kind of like, it feels a little been there, done that. But also, yeah, I don't know. It's not as good as the real thing. You'd be shocked how small a butt plug can't fit up your ass.

Like we had tiny butt plugs and I, it was honestly like trying to get into a club in New York in the fucking eighties. Like it was, my asshole was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not with those shoes. No. And I was, and I was pushing and I thought he had already had it in his ass. So I was like, I know I can get something in my ass if he can get it in his ass. And the point of a plug is, well, that makes a lot of sense. It vibrated. So that's what it is. Like a cork, like a, like a cork on the end. So you could pull it out easy and it didn't get lost in there.

Yeah, I don't know. It's a real problem with those. They get lost. You guys should now merch. You guys obviously got the Poroso's. You got Two Bears, 1K merch. Do people hit you up with merch ideas? Like, hey, maybe make a... Bobblehead. Oh, that's a good one. Oh, yeah. What are they called? The Kifos, Fifos, Mifos. Funkos? Funkos. Fifos.

FIFOs. Imagine walking into a Funko store with this guy. You guys got any Vince McMahon FIFO dolls? Now, I did pull up some fun facts for you guys. Two Girls, One Cave is the name of the podcast. And I wanted to see if you guys knew anything about the name of your show, the creature that it's named. Why did you name it that, first of all? I think we're too, like...

pretty big, hairy, gay guys. Burly men, yeah. We were fantasizing about what our life would be like if it was gay on your mom's house. Together or just separately? On your mom's house, like back when Red Band used to produce it. Yeah. And we were talking about how fun it would be to be gay and we kind of lost Christina in the whole conversation. Yeah.

And she was like, none of this sounds good. Tom's like, I'd come on all your food. And I'd be like, I bet I'd like that. And then I was like, I'd wrestle fuck you. And he'd be like, what? I'd go, I'd come home and I'd be like, that does it. Got to the count of five. Closed my eyes and you had to hide. And then I'd find you and hold you down and fuck you. That feels like a lot of fun. I think most guys fantasize about who their guy would be if they were gay, right? Yeah. Mine would be Pitt or Tony Robbins.

I want somebody bigger. I think I'm definitely a bottom. And Tony Robbins feels like, you know. Huge. Yeah, he wakes you up. He'll just mic-task you, bite your ear. That's your alarm clock. Those hands, they're not even real. Oh, and he puts his hand on the back of your head and he's fucking you in the ass and pushes your face in the pillow and he's got that reach where he's still upright with his hands down holding your head. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's enough of that, Bert. All right, so there's...

There's a couple. So these are all true or false questions. Okay. Cool facts about bears. True or false. You guys both answering at the end. We'll see. The winner will get a free copy of We've Got Issues available now. We've all got issues, and I want to get into what you guys are dealing with later in the program. Bears have thick layered coats. True or false? True. True. It's correct.

That's correct. Bears are big, strong, and can suck their own dicks. That's true. That's true. Correct. Okay, two for two. There are eight bear species in the world. False. False? No, it's true. Oh, really? Yeah. Can you name them? Polar. Polar. Black. Brown. Yep. Panda. Yep. Berenstain. Berenstain. Grizzly. Gunny. Chicago. Yeah.

gummy you get that's it you did i missed one i missed illinois ryan oh baron store there you go bears are allergic to jews true or false that's very true you got it bears can walk on their hind legs it's true yep bears have a high iq false true that's true true tom did you answer i didn't answer go ahead true that's right bears are only gay on vacation not false

It's true, Tommy. True, true. Yeah, you got it. All right, we're back on track. Tied score. Bears can't laugh at racist jokes, but they understand why they're funny. True. You got it. Baloo from The Jungle Book, Mama Bear from Goldilocks, and Dick Buttkiss, Mary Fuck Kill. Those are three famous bears. Wow. Ooh. Well...

What was the first one? Baloo from The Jungle Book. Oh. And the second one? Mama Bear from Goldilocks and the Three Bears. You fuck her. I think so. She's probably the most into it. Yeah. I think you have to marry Baloo.

No, you'll fuck, kill Blue. I think you kill Blue because he's a pedophile. You marry Dick Buckus? I think so. He's got money, security. Be fun to listen to, talk about football. I think he kills you. He kills you, though. Why? Because he's... He's Dick Buckus. Yeah. Is he known for being an angry guy? Yeah. Oh, for real? He's always fucking people up. Yeah, of course. Well, then I fuck Dick Buckus. Yeah. Because I want to see him rage. What a great name, Buttkiss. Yeah. And Dick is your first name. Dick? He hit the lottery as far as...

Because people can't tease you in school. Well, here's the thing. They probably did. They probably did tease you. That's how you became that savage. You want to kiss you on your butt dick? He probably became who he was because of that name. I think so. Yeah. Okay, so a lot of rage. Teasing. And then enough is enough. Yeah. I'm going to take this out on some...

On some running backs. Yeah. There's some names that you see, especially football players, where you're like, that must have been tough. Like anytime you see a guy named Gay. Or Dakota Fag. Yeah, Dakota Fag. That's a real guy? I was thinking of that one too. Yeah, like Florida State. We had a girl in my high school named Michelle Virgin. And then we had a girl named Audrey Clickguard.

Really? No. German. Yep. There's a lot. I didn't even know what a clit was, but I was like, this isn't fair. G-A-R-D. And then we had a betch ho. Vietnamese. B-E-T-C-H hyphen H-O. And everybody was like, what up, bitch? Your mama's a bitch, your daddy's a bitch. No, your mama's a hoe, your daddy's a hoe. Because that was her last name. It was funny. It was the 90s. There's so many...

College and pro athletes with the last name Gay. And I always think that they're at that level because of their last name. Because there's no way you're escaping childhood with the last name Gay and not having it fire you up in some way. Totally. Like there's countless ways. I think so. Or the name Ima.

Like any girl named Ima. Oh, shit, yeah. My wife's great-grandmother. No, no, my wife's grand-aunt. So her grandmother's sister was named Ima. And she came and sat and had breakfast with me and the girls. And Isla sat down and they said, have you met your aunt Ima? And Isla said, what's her last name? And Georgia goes, drag these nuts in your mouth. Yeah.

I love your daughter. That's so funny. And you know, yeah, and that's par for the course. If your name is set up for punchlines, you got to go with it. You got to roll with the punches. You got to go with the flow. Do you guys find as you're out there and you're dealing with the, do you enjoy the road life? Is it fun? I love it.

I know, yeah. You guys do different things on the road, right? Yeah. Oh, very drastically different. But I think that's why. Let's play a game. I'll say something one of us does on the road, and you have to guess if it's Tom or Bert. Okay, great. Okay, sit in silence in a green room that has a red light in it.

It feels like Peter, your assistant. No, it's Tom. Okay. He doesn't do anything in his green room. He sits by himself with a red light on. Like a sauna light? No, just like a red fucking light. Like a laser pen? No, like we were in the whores' houses in Amsterdam. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Haven't been there, Robin. I can't wink. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else.

I think they mean us. Oh, s***.

Yeah, Tom sits by himself in a room. Why do you use a red light? Why do you use a red light, Tom? It's soothing. I hate the, you know, when you go into some of these rooms. The lighting's bad. It's big overhead fluorescent lights. I'm like, this is like a bad feeling. So I put the red lights and I just put music on and I like to chill before the show. I went to see a John Mayer concert once and went backstage and he does a similar thing. Real cool, calm, lights down, Phil Collins blasting. There were some double stuff Oreos. Yeah.

Nice. Not for him, but I love treats. Okay. And so I get it. It's a preparation for the chaos you're about to jump into. And then which of us do you think has 70 people in their green room with full fucking floodlights on? Which one of you takes shots with strangers because it's their birthday in six months? Probably this guy. Yeah.

Yeah, I went into his green room before the show and I was like, I mean, I got so anxious. I was like, I got to get the fuck out of here. I walked into his room and I go, get in the fuck in my green room. There's too many people in there. Sure. My green room was fucking sick. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. I've been there. And then you guys rip it up. You'd watch people. A lot of cheese. You'd watch people go into Tom's. Jimmy Kimmel walked into Tom's green room was like, oh, I'm sorry. No, but they were like, it's fun. They're like, I needed to get away. Sure. And they just kind of.

sitting there quietly everyone's smoking weed doing fucking shotgun and fucking seltzers do you have to get out of there if it's too uh like if snoop dogg walks in let's say snoop dogg brad pitt and um shit i don't know cat williams and um oj pre pre pre dead pre dead walks in yeah and you're like oh shit maybe i gotta spark one up you know the same way that you're you know generously having a cocktail with me because it's my first time yeah it

Do you give into peer pressure like that? Pre-show, I wouldn't. Post-show, I would. Okay. You don't like to be buzzed up? I don't have any buzz going before a set. Because you want to be quick. I don't want to feel like I'm second-guessing a thought. I love that. No, I'll take one for the team. Nate Diaz came backstage, and I don't normally drink before I go on stage. He was like, we'll do a shot? I was like, yeah. And I didn't even think about it. And I was like, fuck yeah, let's do a shot. It's fucking Nate Diaz. Yeah, you have to. It's fucking Nate Diaz. It's Nate Diaz. If somebody...

actually asks that pre-show, I would probably give in to like, depending on who it is. Yeah. I would probably give in. Yeah. There's, there's times in my life. Uh, definitely my kids as they got older and that's probably another thing, right? Like as soon as you're two boys. Yeah. As soon as they're able to, that's what we know so far.

Right. There could be, we've all had a past. Right. Sure. If my daughters transitioned now, I'd be so fucking angry. Yeah. I wanted boys, but I don't want them now. I wanted them when you were younger. Yeah. I'd fucking play baseball, fucking throw the football. Yeah. I was in Billings, Montana once, and I got a call from a girl that said, it's me, Denise.

it's yours and then her and her friend started giggling they hung up but she had my number so i knew that there was a chance it could be mine but i just started using condoms you know recently oh yeah i know it's better safe than sorry and all that bullshit but you know i think you know menopause is look you can when we do it on if you have a period and you can fuck who are you guys voting for i got another game i want to play okay who's running

Two of the same. You know who it is. They're going to go with Biden? I think it's going to be those guys again, which is weird because I saw him eating an ice cream cone, a video of it, and he was blowing on it. He was like, I'm out, I'm out. He was blowing on his ice cream cone. He doesn't know how ice cream works. He's like, it's too hot. Try to cool it down. I was like, this guy can't make choices. He's like, I'm out.

And then he fell off a bike, America's Funniest Home Video style. That sucked. He just went, and he parkoured into the bushes. But then Trump was selling shoes that are more expensive than Jordans. You got a lot of balls. You got balls. They're like $6,000. Yeah, not even Steve Kerr or Sasha Vujicic would make shoes. Even Vlade Divac had some Yugoslavian cigarette sandals, and they were like 15 bucks. What a great poll that is. Vlade Divac was Yugoslavian. Yep.

You don't think I have a glow, Bert? I got money too, bitch. Now, I want to play a game called Bert and Tom, where basically I just see if you guys know this about each other. Okay. Because I like best friends. I'm a big fan of that. And it's cool to see people that know each other for so long that keep it crunk, but keep it dialed in, but keep it challenged. Right? You guys, it's tough to keep a working relationship and friend going this long. You guys have done it.

By the way, I know your intern Tanner said your shirt was too tight, but I'm getting a half chub just staring at your left bicep, Bert. The left one's my bad arm, too. Is it weird to see him with muscles?

whoop, that poor Oso is asleep. I went full Barcelona. Yeah, but I'm fucked up. But, but Tom, what is a, what is it about Bert's muscles? That's new, but exciting. I mean, all of it, it is new and exciting. I mean, you know, because you had muscles when you were bigger, right? Yeah. But there were a lot of muscles there. I was, I was stronger when I was fatter. Yeah.

Mass moves mass, baby. Mass moves mass. I learned that through Tommy. Who is it? Mass moves mass, you know? So muscle. All those big, like the power lifter guys, they all weigh like 300 plus pounds, right? Because you got to be huge to push that amount of weight. So he was, he's a strong dude. But now that we can see the muscles, it's very exciting. It's exciting. I get aroused. Your fans like it too. It's also cool to wear shirts that fit. Yeah. A lot of wear shirts. Yeah.

Oh, that's right. That's my thing. Was that a... Now, that's a confident move. The fans go nuts for it. Do you think they go more nuts for that or your material? Hold that thought. We'll be right back. We'll keep it right here. Bert? I think... I honestly don't think I'd do very well with your shirt on. That's not true. If I left my shirt on, they'd go like this the whole time. Oh.

They judge what you're doing. I think that, I think, I know that one time I walked out forgetting to put a shirt on. Like I was just shirtless backstage and I started walking out on stage. It was like two shows and I walked out shirtless and they went, oh. Because they wanted to see the. They wanted to see it come off. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a cool move. Tom, did you ever think, like, as you're coming up, you go, maybe I need something like that? I thought Pants Down was a thing for a while. Hold on. There was a Tom phase not everyone knows about where he was working on catchphrases. Oh, my God. I'm a big catchphrase guy, so let's do this. What was the catchphrase? I forget. It was like pow-pow or something. Pow-pow. Yeah, you deliver a joke. Pow-pow.

You don't remember that? We were at the Bray Improv. You're like, I'm working on catchphrases. What the fuck joke precedes a pow pow? Okay, I'll do it. Here we go. I'll be a guy in the crowd. Ready? I just read an article about a guy who has a tiger in his apartment in Brooklyn. How do you get a tiger in Brooklyn? Pow pow. Hey, there's still time to bring it back. Do the joke. Do the joke. Do the joke, motherfucker.

Something about a tiger and pow pow. There's a guy with a tiger up front. How do you get out of a pow pow? There it is. Yeah, it's still funny. It's still good. Yeah, I don't remember how it goes. Yeah, it's almost like a Bart Simpson Icarumba or an OJ. How long did I work on those for? It was a while. I loved them in the back. They just go like this.

Pow, pow. Pow, pow. Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was it. Yeah. That came off the tongue real smooth. It did, right? Bang, bang. Yeah. Now, would you do a little Patrick Swayze finger gun? I mean, I definitely feel like finger guns are the way to go on that. Remember the first guy that did that? There was a time, I think, 80s Beach Cops, which I'm a big 80s Beach Cop guy.

It's great. Keep going. I love the beach and I love the 80s. Combine them, oh man, I'll suck your dick right here, you know? But the guys that walk around going like this, there just was a level of confidence and swagger that you can't fake. Because that's, on paper, a pretty fucking silly move, right? It is. Anyone walks into a party going, hey, it's...

Skylar! It feels so natural coming from you. Like a Dr. Phil just being like, bang, bang. Sure. If you don't mind if I can add that to the repertoire. A little bang, bang. A little bang, bang. Yeah. I'll plug your Twitter when I do it. When you're doing a threesome, just a little bang, bang. Oh, yeah. A little bang, bang. Oh, man. Who was the first guy that came up with finger guns? When you think about it, it had to be post-guns, obviously. Yep. When guns were cool.

And it must have been fucking hilarious the first time he did it. Oh, yeah. Where they're in a saloon in the Wild West. And he's like, I'll see you guys later. And they're like, ah, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. Yeah, you can't do this. I think even in a school, it would be tough to do finger guns. Yeah. You couldn't. Like as a PE teacher. Wow, you're feeling it. Yeah, that's the poor Oso's talking. I also had some mac and cheese in the car. But there's a...

You can get the little Kraft mac and cheese, the portable ones, the on-the-go Kraft mac and cheese. It's a small... You know how Campbell's Soup used to do the drinkable soups? Yeah. Yeah. I think all soups are drinkable technically. You don't have to lie. Do you not remember when Campbell's Soup was... It was in a cup. Isn't it always in a cup? Can I talk to you for a second, Tom? It was in a drinkable...

It was in a drinkable cup. They're all drinkable. Oh, yeah, yeah. Tom, I swear to God. All foods are drinkable. The soup was in a, not a cup, a beverage... Container. What do you usually eat soup with, Tom? A spoon. Very good. No.

So imagine not doing that and drinking it. Okay. So that's what Campbell's Soup used to do. Okay. It was mmm good. Remember that? Catchphrase. Charlie? Yeah, bang bang. Bang bang. Yeah. Chicken noodle soup, bang bang. So I would drink the soup and eat it. So it was that, but it was for the mac and cheese. I'm a drinkable mac and cheese. Pulled out with that attitude. So it was super...

It was really run down? It was run down, yeah. Do you like runny mac and cheese? I don't mind it. It's like burnt toast. I'll still eat it. It's not my favorite. Oh, I like burnt toast better. How burnt? I like when it's a little burnt. I don't know. It's the same thing as having...

Like when your wife comes in and she doesn't look that great, she goes, do I look good? And you go, you look beautiful. In your head, you go, you have looked better. Sure. But you go, this is my burnt toast moment of having sex with her. And so I like burnt toast that way. What? Yeah, that's probably, we can edit this out. But yeah, I think that there is a- I want another drink. Yeah, I'll do one right here. I'm having a really good time. Yeah, me too. Wait, what are other things- I might be blessed. What are other things you can do that are like guns, but in different parts of the culture?

Do you think there's like a knife equivalent or a bomb equivalent? Something about guns. Yeah, a bomb. Yeah. Well, there was the, yeah, there was the, well, there's the mic drop, but that's, I do that sometimes if you're dropping a truth bomb, right? I used to do that on my show. Ooh, let's do that. Like we had a young girl on the show and she was smoking a lot of pot and she said it was because her mom was doing drugs. And I said, and her mom goes, well, I don't think she sees me doing it. And I go, look at me, bitch. I didn't drive 98% of the way to get 2% of the information.

And then I took a commercial break because that's good TV. Yeah. But I didn't want her to be feeding me bullshit when I ordered a salad. Does that make sense? It makes total fucking sense. I'm going to use that. You can laugh, Tom. It's all right. I didn't drive 98% of the way to get to- 2% of the information. Use it on your kids. Fuck, yeah. But I think that as you get in someone's rearview mirror-

Who's that for? For me. Obviously. That was a trick question. I think he used his bat arm on that poor. How's your arm doing, Tom? It's doing great. It's doing great. It is. It's really doing well. That's an insane thing to come back from. You guys have both had injuries, right?

I got mine on the set of a movie, major motion picture. On the set of what movie? It was a machine streamed number one on Netflix almost a month. Great movie. It was a Louded by critics. So many things that were cool. Louded by critics? Is that the right word? A Louded? Louded. Louded. And Louded.

The loud ones were the bad ones. You've got an ability to say words that aren't real that sound like they could be. Okay. Yeah. I can do that. That's a great skill. Mark Hamill. Indeference. Nobody knows that one. That's not real. Is that a real word? Indeference. Or deaf. Indeference. Like, you know, you defer. Oh, yeah. Defer. Indeference. Okay. That's when you walk around with deference as your mode of operandi. Yep. I'm walking around with indeference. What's the biggest word you know, Tom?

That I know? Yep. That you use. Because I'm not a big fan of people using big words just to sound smart. Yeah. You know, it's like just fucking, you know, like bewildered. You know, I got a buddy that's always like, I'm so bewildered right now. Okay. No, you're not, Tom. Chicanery. What does that mean? I like to get a little chicanery. What does that mean? A little trickery. Okay. A little. That's fun. A little kerfuffle. Kerfuffle.

Kerfuffle. Oh, that's when everything's got fucked up, right? Yeah, it's like an insane, like let's say Brad Pitt comes in and he goes, Tom, I fucking hated your fucking set. Wow. And you go, Jesus Christ, Brad Pitt, you're fucking not like you are in the movies. I remember when I watched Far and Away and cried and here I am, or no, what was it? Legends of the Fall. Far and Away, that came to you quick this time. Yeah.

I remember when I cry to your films and now I'm crying at the way you're treating me. Yeah, yeah. We're about to get in a kerfuffle. Oh, I thought. It's like a scuffle, but.

With Steve Kerr. I guess I use incredulous. I use incredulous. I think you're wrong. About what? I think kerfuffle isn't a scuffle. Well, let's look it up, fellas. Kerfuffle is when you get confused and you don't know what to do and all chaos has ensued. Well, that's kind of me right now. There it is. Look at that. A commotion or fuss, especially one caused by conflicting views. Yeah. There was a kerfuffle over the chairmanship.

Right. So, so you and you and Pitt get into it, right? You get into the cockpit, right? Try to sort things out. That's a kerfuffle. And you use kerfuffle? I try to, but it's one of those words that again causes confusion like we're doing right now. There's a bit of a kerfuffle happening because of it. I think so. Yeah. I'm also, uh, trying to coin, uh,

Have you ever submitted a new word to Webster's? Never. No, but let's come up with new words right now. It's a fun time. I like to come up with new racist slang. Oh, wait. Racist slang. Okay. Or pejorative terms? Yep. Okay. Yep. Okay. I'm into it. This feels like a bad game. No. No. Start. Okay. We'll start with someone innocuous. Like innocuous. Like innocuous.

That's a great word. Yeah. That makes me think of binoculars and then Oculus, which I'm a big 3D guy. Are you? Yeah. I love nothing more than to smoke a blunt, lie in bed, ignore my wife, put on goggles, and go to the prehistoric age and fight crime. That's...

Oh, you can select, you can unlock players like you can in NBA 2K. So I'll bring Vladi Divac in with me and we'll go find some fucking T-Rex, you know? Yeah. And just have ourselves a good time. He smokes like a chimney. Oh, he is the most Yugoslavian guy. Like Bobby Lee, you're like, he's a really in guy through and through. He's really Serbian. Who is? Vladi Divac. Oh, Vladi Divac. Vladi Divac is a Serb nationalist. Yep. He's a big fan of...

Gabri Gabriel pre-tip pre yep, Gabrielle Gabrielle pre-tip. Yep. You know who that is? Oh He changed the world. He changed the fucking world He that guy changed 19 years old and he changed the world as we noted He is the reason that our grandfathers died. He is the reason the Holocaust happened He is the reason there is he is that guy changed the fucking world shit. Oh

You guys seen Oppenheimer? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just thought that was a true story. Oppenheimer? Yeah. I thought we were still talking about Far and Away. Did you like Oppenheimer? I did. I'm a big Killian Murphy fan. Yeah. He just scares me, right? He does. Every time he's acting, he's just like, looks like he's just...

you know, just found out that, you know, Dolly Parton lip syncs or something, or remember how Michelle Tanner was played by two people? Wait, hold on. Dolly Parton lip sync? Oop. We'll be right back.

Honest bomb. See, that's what I would do on the show. I'd go, honest bomb. That's what I was trying to tell you. The mom goes, I don't have a weed problem. And I go, you do. This is what your daughter's picking up on. Are you picking up on what I'm putting down? And then I go, I think you need to put down the joint and pick up the responsibility. And then I went, honest bomb. Wow. And we had a sound effect. Ooh, do an honest bomb to me.

Bert, I've seen on your tour bus there's a lot of alcohol, but there's also a lot of fun, and they can go hand in hand. And sometimes someone will be telling a story, and you'll be locked in, but then your eyes will just droop right down to Facebook.

Honest bomb. Honest bomb. Wow. What is it about Facebook that sucks you in? But also, look, devil's advocate. Maybe sometimes the person telling that story sucks at stories. Yeah. So I'm going to go ahead and make it half and half as far as who is doing the heavy lifting. If you're on the receiving end of a bad story, there ain't nothing worse. Tom? Yeah. Thanks, Tom. Bert? I agree 100%.

What's the last shitty story you've heard where you're like, I don't think I want to be friends with this person anymore. I got one. I got a good one. We were at Korean barbecue and this guy was telling a story where

Where clearly he grew up with more money than anyone we've ever met but he was trying to pretend that he hadn't so he could be relatable Oh, I love this guy already. He goes I'll tell you his name. He's fucking awesome cool But he goes when we were growing up we had this person who you know lived with us and worked in conjunction with us and Was like and I said hold on you have a maid and he goes no no I go what color was she he goes she was black and I went you're the fucking maid he goes no well she like

She was more than that and I go hold on how much money did you have and he's like this isn't the story and I wouldn't let him tell the story because I was like you're trying to paint around the fact that you had maids growing up and then his wife's like he grew up with horses and I went what the fuck and then I ruined his story. It was a great story. We never even heard the story. I just was like I love that he was dancing around the fact that he had money growing up and then he thought that would bother us. I was like fuck.

Fucking tell me you're rich. I don't give a fuck. I love rich people's stories. Oh. They're so much more fun. They're so much more fun. You ever heard George Clooney tell a poor story? Ugh. Gross. When I was- Kentucky. When I was struggling in Kentucky. Yeah. The full Grey's Anatomy. Or fucking, I don't know. Facts of Life. He was on Facts of Life? He was on Facts of Life and he was beautiful. He's always been beautiful. He's always been beautiful. When he got on ER, that's, for me, that, you know, I was like, ER, you mean erect, you know,

Right now. Do you remember St. Elmo? Was it St. Elmo's was the one Mark Harmon was on? Who's Mark Harmon? The actor? Just kidding. Okay. So a game I like to play called What If I Didn't Know Who That Was? Mark.

Mark Harmon. That's a great game, man. It is. You know what I used to do in high school? I used to do in high school is I'd say like, if I said a joke that bombed in front of a, there was a girl in my class named Siobhan, right? White girl. But, but always had a little, like she did something when she started to develop boobs, breast titties, whatever you call them. She, she would wear a. Wait, we knew what they were the first time. Breast titties. You're gonna make my mustache fall out, Burt.

She would put a strap of the broad down her titties, and we would call it splitting the difference. But she was just starting to get boobs, and it was a tactical move. Some girls knew what they were doing. She was like, that strap would just go right down the middle, and it would just highlight them even more. So anyway, Siobhan, I'm painting a picture. Siobhan, I'd say something funny like...

Or I'd say a joke if somebody was like, you know, oh, I didn't. I was late to class. And I was like, yeah, is that because you were trying to suck somebody's foot? Or, you know, I don't know, bang, bang, you know. And then nobody would laugh. And then I'd go, oh, you haven't seen that? And they go, what? I go, it's an Al Pacino movie.

And they go, oh. And I go, you got to get out more, Siobhan. So I basically act like it was a line from a movie. And then make them look like a fucking idiot. That's fucking brilliant. You can have it. Can I try it? Please. Okay.

I can't think of one. It's tough. It's tough. There's so many bits going through my head right now. But they're funny bits. It's got to be a not funny bit. Who's funny these days, Dr. Phil? Oh, boy. Well, you two are at the top of the game. I'll be honest. That's so nice of you, Dr. Phil. I appreciate the consideration of even being here, but...

Who else do I like? Carrot Top is still pretty funny to me. Great. But I've seen him for a while. So it's like, again, you're sticking with it. Because people have told him, hey, stop poking around with windmills and...

Stop fucking with your props. Yeah. You're already named after a fucking vegetable, you know? Yeah. You know, Dick Buttkiss over here. So, you know. Wait, who's that? Dick Buttkiss. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, is it? I'm doing your bit back there. I like the bit I like to do every now and then. I love this game.

My buzz just kicked in. Keep going. This is good. Yeah. Well, more comedians. Who else do I like? I'll say a comedian. You tell me. Let's do this word association. Great. Just one word. I'll say the name of the comedian. You say the first word that pops to your mind. I love this. We got some theme music for it. Perfect. Go ahead. Jeff Ross. Bald. Okay. Kevin Hart.

enormous talent. Sebastian. What? That was great. Relatable. Give me another one.

John Mulaney. Oh, addict. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But knew how to spin it into something positive. Really? He took, you know, he did all the things that you normally get in trouble for and turned it into a career. Totally. I mean, it's funny. He's likable, that's my word. That's a big one. Likeable. Yep, you nailed it. Very seldomly do you go to rehab. Can I finish the fucking sentence first? Jesus fucking Christ, we know your buzz kicked in.

But your attention span is decreasing by the minute. Truth bomb. And we're back. Yeah. It's fun to do, isn't it? Pow, pow. Pow, pow. Bang, bang. Bang. I do think that when people you don't expect to have drug problems have problems, it makes you feel a little bit bitter about your life. Yeah. It's almost like when you saw the Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial, you go, holy shit. Yeah. When he was like, you know, and he was so fucking cool. She was like, he threw a bottle of Pinot at my head. And Johnny was like, hmm.

It was a point, bitch. And I was such a fan of the way he conducted himself. He was great. He didn't... He knew, A, he's an actor, but B, he was secure in the way that he was not going to be taken down. And unfortunately, she's a bad actress and couldn't pull through. But Johnny also... Yeah, we all have issues. Again, and Tractor 25 is about Johnny Depp. Really? Not about his issues, about the second Pirates movie and the plot holes I found, but...

but uh

But I do think that there's something about reality TV. You ever watch Love is Blind or Love is Deaf or Down Syndrome, Buck Naked Love or Too Hot to Handle or Just a Tip or Don't Tell My Parents or I Thought You Were Wearing a Condom or Anal Island or Fuck Boat or Fist or Foot, which is a fun one, or My Giant Tumor on TLC. You ever seen that? That's great. Quick way to go, fuck, at least I'm not that guy. At least I don't have a tumor on my cock. I might have missed a cable payment, but I'm doing just fine. Yeah, yeah.

What was the question? Love is love is blind. No, no autistic one love on the spectrum love on the spectrum fucking shows so hard strings Oh makes me think I should have dated more autistic women. You should have they're fucking so honest and upfront I don't want to kiss you and I'm like we got that out of the way. I'll just drop you off No, it's honest and it's and truth is funny you guys know that bird I saw you recently and

Uh, and you, you told a story about, uh, uh, your dog. Oh, and it was it. I'm sorry to bring it up, but it's one of the best stories I've ever heard in my entire life. And you said you're debating about putting it into something special, but, uh, I just want to give my full endorsement that you should. One of the best doors. How do you craft a story? Both of you guys, how do you keep an audience engaged? Yeah.

Usually Tom will come up with a story and then he'll run it by me. I'll punch it up for him and then he'll tell it on stage. What a great benefit. Yeah. It's really good. That's how it works. Tom will put a couple Jews in there. Yep. Sure. Oh, yeah. I love that. Wait, how do you write a bit, Tom? How do I write a bit? Yeah. Do you write on stage? Because he drops bits that he's not telling bits in this special, the one he was getting ready for, that are my favorite things he's ever said. And I go, take it out of the podcast. It's so good. Leave it. Put it in. And he's not telling those.

Cool. Oh, that's great. Yeah, you find moments on the show, I'm sure. That's why our podcast isn't that good. It's because if we say something really funny, we take it out and we use it. We sell it to Netflix. That's smart, but that's a benefit. No offense. That's why you guys like other podcasts. They put all their bits in the podcast. No way, no way. If it's good, we take it out. That's true. You guys got the best art, though, you know? Yeah, it's a good set. It's a great set. It matters.

Wait, now tell me this though. Do you write, I know some comments. On stage, right on stage. Yeah. Do you go in with a little nugget? Yes. Yeah. So you're like, okay, so like. Here's an idea. Yeah. And I start with like, if I tell a story, I like to tell the exact story of what really happened. You know, you do little exaggerations, then you find what really connects and you, you know.

You work on the, and then you try to trim the fat. So I always over tell a story. Sure. So it's too long. There's too much information. You work on trimming it down. Ron Sigler is a good storyteller too. Great storyteller. You guys all are in the same boat. Can I share my favorite bits of both years? Yes, please. Uh, uh, Tom, you, you did a bit, uh, I think it's on the, the album.

Where you're doing, you're dressed like Michael Jackson. Yeah. Pre-abuse. Thrilled, yeah. Yeah. And it was such a great album. And you told a bit about, I think it's a cousin who always has invention ideas. Yeah. Brilliant. Because that's based on, it's a real story. I know it is. Yeah, yeah. You can tell. Yeah, he was always saying shit like, what if you are driving and you could just think a thought

And then your radio would just put that on. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? He was like, you know, you could really make that. I'm like, yeah, if you were a fucking NASA engineer, dude, like he always would just throw out these things. So I just, you know, I mean, you punch up the story, but it's really based on him. And it's so relatable because everyone's got a million dollar idea. Everyone's got that shark tank. People see shark tank and they see that someone come and go, hi sharks.

Tired of being cold at night, introducing the blanket. And then they're like, okay, you fucking. My favorite is when those guys come into the Shark Tank and they tell them their idea. And they're like, and I'm offering 2% of the company for like $5 million. And they're like, so your company's already worth fucking 500 million? What are you talking about? You haven't seen any little people on Shark Tank yet. That bums me out. I'm starting to wonder why. Do you think they don't have inventions? No.

Well, that's not where I was headed at all, but yeah, they might be tinier ideas. If you see the world like this, everything seems like a big idea to you? Remember the first time you went to Toys R Us as an adult and you realized how small it was? That's probably being a dwarf all the time. Yeah. Your perception's off. It is. But a dwarf invention would be what? They go in and go, you know, high sharks. What if everything had stairs? And they're like, who's saying that? Oh, and then they look down. And then they go, high sharks, you know, tired of not being able to reach the top shelf to get your cinnamon toast crunch.

and introducing the step stool. But it's shaped like a pot of gold in a rainbow. Yeah, it has to be. Yeah, so they can climb up. Leprechauns, Oompa Loompas, dwarfs. Who's the most famous half-size? Oh, leprechauns. I think so. Oompa Loompas, though, got probably the most credibility, but they're also like slaves in a way, right? They put in the hard work. They did. They're the unspoken heroes. Why don't they ever kill Wonka?

There was like 95 of them. Because the real Wonka was actually, they loved him, right? They revered him. Like he was like- You think they looked up to him? Yeah, I think they really did. He gave them a place to make candy or whatever. Yeah. But do they really love it? Because everyone goes, like Brad Williams. First time I met Brad Williams-

I go, where are the Skittles? Yeah. And that was disrespectful, but because I didn't even introduce myself first. Yeah. I just said, where's the candy, you tiny little fucking, you know, thimble. We laughed later, but over text, but he's over, but he's a, you know, I just, I assumed candy was a part of his world, but he's like, no, it's just a movie.

You know, Toto Aguirre's not really Spider-Man. He kept kicking him in the ass waiting for candy to come out of his nose. He must have watched the fucking Ring Cam. Yeah, God tried to, but he's not a piñata as much as he dresses like one. They got to be so pissed about, like, just elf calls. Oh, we got to have Brad Pitt run the 5K. Yeah. Or Brad Williams do the 5K.

Either one. It'll take him a day and a half. Boy, that's a show. Pitt versus Williams. What's a 5K to Brad Williams? It's got to be like a half marathon. Yep, pretty much. I've seen Brad run. I played basketball with Brad Williams once. How was that? He'd be fucking cleaning up his fucking laundry. It was great. He can move around. Watching Brad run, I once saw him on a- Do you do a respect thing where you don't go for every block? Do you kind of- No, I dominate. Really? Yeah. I used to go to elementary school just for a little mood boost.

and just do full-on Billy Madison. Remember that scene where he's just swatting the shit out of those fat gingers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Yeah. Who was the kid? Remember he grabbed his cheeks and he goes, you know, don't ever say that again. The kid was like, I want to stay in school forever. Remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Can't believe Bob Barker's dead. Yeah. You know, they just sold his house. On eBay? No, I'm thinking of

Pat Sajak. He's not dead. He's not dead. He's dead. No, he's not. Trebek is dead. Alex Trebek. Yeah. His house is right by the base of Fryman Canyon. Was it nice? Yeah. What is no shit? It was fucking gorgeous. It was fucking gorgeous. We're just going to skip over my Jeopardy joke. What is? No, I didn't know that's the show he hosted. Yeah. You didn't know Trebek hosted Jeopardy? I don't. Alex Trebek. Let me tell you one thing. If I ever get cancer...

Trebek is my, you know, knock on, you know, knock on a... Formica. Formica? Is that what this is? Sturdy table. Did Joe Rogan's guy make this? I think he did, actually. Yeah.

Every time I listen to a Joe Rogan podcast, you've got another friend making a table for him. Or a knife. Or a knife. Or a steak. Or a pipe. Or a pipe. I want friends like that that just go, hey, you want a table? Yeah. I don't know. I just called you for directions. Eli. He would have been Joe Rogan's. His fans would have held up the wall in Game of Thrones. I think so. They're all like know how to make things that look like that would be on the watch. Yep.

So Alex Trebek hosted Jeopardy, and when he got cancer towards the end of his life, it was sad. That mac and cheese Oso combo is strong. It's hitting, yeah. It's strong. Like you remember when Fozzie Bear first did stand-up on The Muppet Show? Yeah. And he crushed? That's kind of how the same feeling of the Oso, the buzz I'm getting. Yeah. We'll keep it in. But what Trebek did would impress me.

You know, Shania Twain's always singing about that don't impress me much, you know? Always. So you got a car. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? You know, it's like, all right, what was it? You got a car. It's a 2008 Ford Escape, you fucking twat. Still making payments on it, right? That don't impress me much. At one point she says, so you're Brad Pitt. That don't impress me much. And I was like, bitch, you'd fuck Steve Pitt if he took you to the oil garden. But I digress. Trebek, when he got cancer, he was always shooting from the hip, okay? Yeah.

Talk about a finger gun guy. Probably a finger guy, too. Trebek Strachan is a guy that he was like, I'll take you on a Metro bus. We'll go to Santa Monica, then Culver City, on the same bus, different route, same finger. Inside you. You remember getting fingered on the bus in middle school? Yeah. Doing it, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Don't cancel me. Roller skating rinks. Yep. You finger while you're skating? Yeah. All right, Apollo Ono. Yeah. Yeah.

Really? No. No, that's impossible, Bert. No, I wanted to. I watched couples finger each other. While they were skating. While a couple's skating and he'd have his hand in her pants and fucking blast her. And I was like, their parents aren't here? No, the parents, yeah. If you're getting favored on a roller skating rink, you don't know your parents. You don't have parents. Yeah. And I'll talk about that in chapter 29. Damn. Where are your parents? You're probably getting fingered next to the skating rink. But Trebek, I'll get this story in. Stay with me. Yeah.

The contestants were always so nervous around Trebek because he had a lot of... He's been on the show for 59 years. And so when they would do the personal information portion of the show, where are you from? And the girl would go, well, I'm from Tacoma, Washington. And he'd go, loser or something. Towards the end, he was like, cool fucking story, bro. Yeah.

And then I remember one girl, her name was like Mary. And he goes, Mary, it says here, you know, he's reading his fucking card. He got a couple of bullet points. You know, he didn't give a fuck though. Cause he's about to die. And he also, he's been doing Jeopardy for 59 years. You know, the daily double. I mean, if he had to, I,

I guarantee you Trebek was like, if I have to say congrats, you found the Daily Double one more time, I'm going to bite someone in the neck Chewbacca style. So this girl, she goes, we just got married. He goes, it says here, you just got married. And she goes, yeah, we had a Star Wars wedding. And she goes, we had stormtroopers dressed up. All our groomsmen dressed up as stormtroopers. And the girls, the bridesmaids dressed up as Princess Leia. And Trebek verbatim goes, nerd alert. Nerd alert.

and then moved on to the next guy. And they kept the camera on the girl, and she goes, oh. You know, and just was like, didn't know how to react. And Trebek, because getting made fun of someone on their show sucks, but especially, he was a couple weeks away from dying. Dying. He spent a few of his last words to be like, you fucking nerd. Can you imagine dying and having to hear about people's nervous stories on fucking television? Yeah.

And she can't get, you know, she can't, you can't say anything back to Trebek because it'll score you off the Sony lot. Yeah. But you know she was driving home being like, I'll fucking drive over there right now and give him a daily double. Bang, bang. I wonder how much they've paid for that house. I want to see how much that house costs. He's really into the cost of things. Well, when you look at some of those houses in California. It's too much. It's fucking. If he gives you his address right now, do you look it up? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's one, two, four months of business. You got to edit his name out. Expensive house? We were going to a football game, and I said, so do you want to pick me up? And he goes, just come to my house. I'll drive. I went, cool. So I got his address, and the first thing I did is Zillowed it, and it was $4 million. And I went, so funny. I casually remember him saying he paid $8 million for this house. But that's fine. If you want to pump it, that's fine.

So I go to the house. I knock on the door. And from a house across the street, two doors up here. Over here, cocksucker. I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm not giving you my fucking address. You'll zillow how much I paid for it. I had already done it. I had already done it. Already did it. He said you did another house? He said we do a different fucking house. That's psycho. That's psycho. And then he met you at that house? No, he just was waiting for.

He was sitting on his front door waiting for me to go knock on their door. Holy shit. I got another game I'd love to play with you guys. How are we doing on time, by the way? We're good. We're good. Okay, good. What do you guys usually do here? About an hour? Yeah. About an hour or a little more. Okay. Well, let me get this game real quick. This is called Tom and Bert, Do You Know Each Other? Okay. Favorite color? Bert? Blue. Tom, what's your favorite color? Blue. Did you guys know that? I did not know. I know you have blue eyes.

I didn't know that that was his favorite color. It's my power color. Navy blue is probably my favorite color. My toenails are painted blue. When did you start painting your toenails? I started a long time ago, but I started doing it a lot more when I had girls. Yep. Yeah, because it's a... Yeah, we'll come back to that. Favorite actor? God, I can't say Brad Pitt. You can. He's so hacky. No, but it's up there. I'll start it off. I got it. I got it.

Go ahead. Wait, let me guess. You're never going to. I will actually give you $10,000 right now in real life if you guess. If you guess, and I'll whisper it to Tom. Okay. I have a joke answer, and I have a real answer. Okay. My joke answer is Rita Rudner. By the way, you're close. What's your real answer? Well, now you're making me think it's Rita Wilson, Tom Hanks' wife. No, no, no. That was a second joke answer. I'll give you a hint. It's a man. I knew that. It's not Leo DiCaprio. Uh-uh. It's not Tom Hanks. Uh-uh. It's not Denzel. No. No.

Could be Ben Kingsley. But it could be. Hold on. Did you put it up somewhere? Hold on. Hold on. Hang on. Keep going. But it could be. Well, I want this bad. You know how many Kraft Mac and Cheese portables I could buy? Please get this right. God fucking damn it. I think I'm... Now my mind's all over the place.

You ever watch the Postmates driver try to find your house late night when you ordered a Slurpee because you had too many edibles? And then he cancels and leaves a Slurpee outside your house with a picture of it spilled on the curb? You're so close. You're so close. It's not Ben Vereen. No. Fuck. I said Ben Kingsley, and then you got all weird. Who else is Ben? His name's not Ben. I'll give you a hint. His name's not Ben. But you're so close.

Who rhymes with Ben Kingsley? No, no, no. You're so close. You're so close. You're so close. You're close in a different way. I feel like we're playing Wordle. Yeah. If it's not Ben Kingsley...

But you're so close. How the fuck is it not Ben or sound like Kingsley, but I keep Ben Kingsley. Can I just give him a hint? No, I'll give you the hint. It's that they've worked together. And so that's why he was thinking like, As soon as you said Ben Kingsley, I was like, Oh, shit. But that could be anybody. Yeah, he's been in a lot of stuff. I mean, Colin Firth is what I think, but it's not that guy. No.

Fuck. Definitely not calling the fucking first. Shakira. Leave here with $10,000. Come on. I know, Tom. I'm doing my best. Oh, fuck. It wasn't P. Diddy. It could have been. He worked with a lot of people. That's okay.

All right. Final answer. Fuck. I wish I could phone a friend. Remember who wants to be a millionaire when you can phone a friend? That was always my biggest gauge of like, that's how I know I still trust you and want you in my life. Because sometimes you'd hear Regis being like, all right, we've got David on the phone. He's going to call Sam in Burbank, California. And then he'd call the guy.

And then the guy was like, all right, Dave, what's the capital of Florida? And the guy on the other line was always like, dude, I don't fucking know. And you're like, well, you just wasted your fucking life and your chance at five mil. So I wish I could do that right now, but I can't. So if I can't say Ben Kingsley and I won't say Colin Firth, and I want to say Judith Latt, but I think she went downhill after Who's the Boss. Fuck. Not David Hyde Pierce, not David Alan Greer.

Not Tommy Lee Jones. He's great, though. He is great. I'm trying to name every actor. Harrison Ford, Josh Hartnett, 40 Days and 40 Nights of No Fucking and No Strawberries. They bought his house. What's his name? Alex Trebek's house for $8.3 million. $8.3 million.

Get the fuck out of here. On the corner of Fryman Canyon. So every day, everyone walks by your house because they go for a hike. $8.3 million. $8 million. How much did the Brady Bunch house go for? Ooh, that went for a lot. Somebody bought that. I think Lance Bass bought it or something. He did actually buy that. Yeah. Weird. Isn't it weird how many Lance Bass facts you have just roaming around? Didn't he go to space? I don't fucking know. Don't look at me like that.

You think I just go to Lance Bass dot com every morning when I'm drinking my purple sun kissed fucking pervert. All right. I'm going to get an answer going here and I want to get it right. Ben Kingsley. We're in the vicinity. We're rounding Kingsley Boulevard, taking a ride down. It better fucking be this street. Make it a sexy answer. It's not. Come on, dude. I know. I know. You're a fucking beast. Do it. I'm going to give you I'm going to give you a I'm going to give you a really big hit. I'll tell you the one I want to say. And you can still get 10 grand.

I'll give you a really big hint. For $1,000. That's cool. Oh, shit. For $1,000. A really big hint. Okay, hold on. We talked about TC, Tom Cruise, but I want to take that off the table because I think it can't be someone we've talked about. You ready? Yep. You're going to have to edit this, but it's perfect. Tom Selleck? No. Shit. He doesn't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't recognize part of me thought that was the family ties theme song. It's my favorite. It's my favorite picture, which I've tried to recreate a hundred times. Okay. How about this? Take it off the table. I want to get it though, but take it off the table. And how about just a nice dinner with you and one of Joe Rogan security guards. Okay. Best. This is, I will be using this in some sort of branding somewhere.

Ray Winston. That's your favorite actor? Fucking love that guy. Cool. Is he the voice of Arby's? He's in The New Gentleman. He's in Sexy Beast. I haven't seen either one of those. That's why you said make it a sexy answer. And you beast? He said you beast? Fuck.

Yeah, I'm not good with- Ben Kingsley, you haven't seen Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast? No, it's fucking great. Oh, it's when he goes up to the fucking, the guy, the TSA guy, and he goes, all right, don't want to make an issue of this, but I don't think all you guys are like this, all you Spaniards, but he touched me, touched me in my front bottoms, made me nervous. So I sat down, I told him, I lit my cigarette. I don't think you guys are all fucking the best goddamn movie. It's a fucking great movie. Say yes, Val. Say yes.

Yes, gal. Yes, gal. Val Kilmer's in it? Gal. His name's Gal. It's such a great movie, and they just did a TV show out of it. Yeah. And I'm obsessed. I'm a big movie guy. I just saw Shanghai Nights for the third time. I just spit vodka all over my Only Jeans. That's okay. Is that the brand name? No, yeah, it's Only Vans Jeans. Only Vans Jeans. I bought them from an Only Fans girl. Only Fans. Now, that's something you want to talk about. I just chipped my tooth.

No way. No, I didn't. All right. Hey, let's go back to strip clubs. What's it like to be you? Can we go to a strip club right now after this? I'd love to. Oh, dressed like this? Can we all go to a strip club? I mean, we'd have to leave immediately, dude. Let's go to a strip club. You want to go to a strip club? Well, what's more important, this or that? Strip, wait. Oh, well, this is. Yeah, how about this, TBD?

You're going to be in Los Angeles soon. Is Christina Oku with you going to strip clubs? I don't know. I haven't asked. Yeah, I don't really tell Leanne strip club protocol. Because here's the thing. I wouldn't go for the dance. I'd go for the camaraderie. Yeah, the fun. Well, that's South Florida. Florida is strip club energy. Leanne understands that. She goes, no, I get it. You go, you have fun with your boys. You get a lap dance, whatever. It's fine. Yeah, the lap dance, too, is like... Can get aggressive. It can get aggressive. I remember I was in Alaska once.

quick Alaska strip club story. Yeah. So I'm in Alaska. I'm doing a conference. Go ahead. Great American Bush Company. No. Well, maybe actually. Yeah, it's the name of it. It was in, was it Anchorage? Anchorage. It's Anchorage. There was a place called Coots. It was a bar. Chilkoot Charlie's. Chilkoot Charlie's. Yeah. And I was doing some sort of a conference there. They took you to the strip club. I know the strip club. Oh my God, this rules. Okay. I knew we were Eskimo brothers.

That's legit. Legitly, yeah. We both fucked in Eskimo. That's cool. So I left Chilkatra. It's a famous bar. Look it up. If you're around there, go. They've got like 19 bars. One of them is called the Bird Room because it's where they killed an ostrich in front of its family or something. Tom will never go there. In his entire life, he will never step foot in that place. Go to Alaska? No. No.

I went to Alaska. To Chilkoot Charlie's. He will never go to Chilkoot Charlie's. It is not your vibe. Yeah, it's weird. It's like a strip mall with a bunch of bars in it. But it's got like a fish stand. The food's good. It's just a bunch of bars. One of them is like an earthquake hit the bar. So the room is like...

upside down like peewee's playhouse right minus the puppets and you went from the bar they took you to the strip club from there yeah so i get a pull up a video a picture of it great alaskan bush company i follow them on instagram so so i go get a fish sandwich they've got like a drive-thru window in the bar tommy and i go let me get a fish sandwich to go and i go put ketchup on it because i'm a fucking freak and i'm eating the sandwich on the way over and i spill ketchup on my pants classic phil okay

ketchup drips right out of the sandwich. I'm a little messy. I got condiments on my pants. That's what she said. And there's ketchup all over my knees at the same time. I go in the strip club gal. Uh, we got about 10 minutes before shop closes up. Semi-sonic, semi-sonic is already in the fucking playlist closing time. Some fucking poor guys in the corner going horse. And, and I got this girl dancing on me.

And she's dancing. She's doing a good job. She knows there's about seven minutes left. It's go time. It's Kobe in the fourth quarter. And she's going hard in the paint like Cedric Sabalos in 1996 versus the Pistons.

And so I go, okay, let's do this. She's backing it up, fingering all sorts of weird buttons. And then all of a sudden she stands up and goes, are you bleeding? Or she goes, do you know you're bleeding? And I go, you know, you're dancing, right? Still, I guess blood doesn't stop your fucking, you know, agenda. So then she keeps dancing over the bloody knees.

And then gets off and says, you know, that'll be, you know, two fish or however you, whatever their currency is in Alaska. I paid her in fucking, you know, cookies or something. And she was big. And so I gave her some treats. I got up, I gave her cash, you know, but it was dipped in Cool Whip because she was big. And so I got into the cab and the cab driver, swear to God, Tommy goes,

How was this juke club? I don't know where he was from, but I don't do accents either. Could have been Italian, Japanese, Jamaican, and a rabbi. So he goes, how was the juke club? And I go, it was great. Classic case of the ketchup pants. Trying to make small talk. He goes, I've been there. What?

What what do you mean you've been there? This is the first time occurrence, but I guess ketchup pants and it's an over bloody knees is a real thing Yeah, full nude I brought a whole bunch of people there on a work trip Thinking it was just casual strip club where like topless and you could drink at the bar Yep, and the girl sitting next to me editor name out. Oh, it's like this is full fucking nude I was like what she goes I'm looking through this woman and

And the girls on all fours with their pussy in their legs. And I'm going like, ah, this was awkward. I thought this was. Oh, you got to edit this out too. So in real, this is real talk. So we bring. How much are we leaving in today? I'll keep it in. So we bring. Oh, he looks like he's the son of a strip club. You got to clean this up. Who's on the board, on the spectrum. Yeah. He goes, they've all been a dance. Oh no. I said, you got to get a lap dance.

He's like this. I sit down next to me. I go, how are you feeling? He goes, I'm so stimulated right now. Oh, my God. I'm so stimulated? Sounds like it worked. I was like, yeah, they stimulate you like that. I go, you didn't come, did you? He goes, no, but we should leave. Those strip clubs are going to be fucking wild. You can spend a lot of money in there. I used to see in Los Angeles, not Dallas, Reigns. Who was the black guy with the fro? Dallas.

Remember him? But there was a weather guy. No, sports guy. Yeah. For K-Cow 9. Black guy with a fro. Really impressive fro. You know that guy. Yeah, I know that guy. Oh, man. It was one of the first celebs I met in L.A. when I went to set up shop there.

And it was at the Rhino downtown. You know where that is? The Rhino, the Supreme Rhino. One of the better strip clubs in Los Angeles. And he was sitting in the corner in like the VIP booth, the champagne room. And I walked by and I gave him, there he is, Jim Hill. This guy is a man. Slippery son of a bitch. Fuck yeah. He's the sports guy. Yeah. Oh, he's a sports guy. He knows how many rebounds Tom Chambers got and how many kids Denise has.

So I'm just saying, you know, stats. Yeah. So he's in the corner shooting me finger guns and I'm just avoiding eye contact because I don't want him to see me there. Because I hope, you know, how do I know he's not going to talk about me on the 10 o'clock news? Yeah. In other news, Dr. Phil's, you know, getting a hand job from a, you know, two-legged cinnamon twist. Some of the strippers are crippled. You can edit this out. I forgot it was Dr. Phil.

and I he's a doctor I go what the fuck and I go oh yeah oh fuck I am fucking wasted okay we should go to the strip club let's wrap it up let's go to the strip club how do we end how do we end strong well uh

I mean, we did the game. I mean, we could take a shot. No, let's do a shot. We could do a couple more questions, but... No, it's hard to top that. I think that's great. It's been a great episode. Yeah. How does this rank for you guys? Oh, man. Pretty fun. This is so fucking fun. We should do more of these. I do want to say, Bert, you're going to be a guest on the Dr. Phil live show in Los Angeles at the Comedy Store. Netflix is a joke, and we're going to live stream it. Tickets at drphilllive.tv. That'd be great.

And Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil live is, uh, at the comedy store is streaming tonight. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Go buy tickets. Dr. Phil live.tv and all the episodes are on YouTube. Uh, wait, is Dr. Pimple Bobber going to be there? Pimple Bobber is going to be there in the goo goo dolls. Johnny Resnick is going to be there. Are you being serious? Yep. I know, you know, her, I love her. Me too. Uh, she's sexy. She will be cutting off skin tags on me live. I can't wait. Tell her to bring her tools. I cannot wait. I,

She's already bringing them. She told me I'm bringing my tools and I said, I'm bringing my toys. So let's have a sword fight. Bang, bang. Uh, when he comes, he's Nikki Glazer's done it. Matt Rife, Santino, Bobby, Tommy. I think we're, we're, you know, we're talking about a date coming up with you, with you as well. And, uh, it's a lot of fun. They're all on YouTube. Check them out. No, it was a joy to have you here. Thank you for coming. I think we learned something. We had a lot of laughs and I gotta be honest. I don't want to just throw a come in your happy meal, but, uh,

This is just... Sorry, I'm trying to... You ever just try to coin phrases that aren't phrases yet? People go, I'm not down with that. But it's... I don't want to... I don't want to put another Jew on the fire, but... Yeah, yeah. Well, mine was a little safer, but this is the best vodka I've ever had. Thank you very much. I'm not fucking around. I appreciate you. Hey, pour me an Osos. That's what she said. We'll be right back. We'll see. Thank you, guys. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert.

One goes to the top of the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.