Stavros Halkias | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 215
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Guys, it is on. We have added a show at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on Friday, February 9th at 9 p.m. Bert Kreischer and I, we're tearing it up. We have a show Saturday. That show is rolling, so we added a Friday show. We got so many texts from athletes and MMA fighters saying they couldn't make Saturday. We're like, you know what?

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We're back and great news. Bert is getting a transplant and a transfusion. Both. Really? Yeah, blood and bone marrow. As they said, it helps like with, he's got diabetes, he had renal failure. Yes. You know, he's got some fluid in the brain, but all that stuff is going to be

taken care of hopefully shout out to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester they flew him out there yeah so they have the best he's like I want the best he's like I tour on a high level I want the best I love that sitting in for him across the great Stavros everybody sexy Stavros is here hello how we doing

Thank you, bro. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. Just in case anybody doesn't know, your new special Fat Rascal is out right now. Right now. On Netflix. On the big N. The big N word. On the N bomb.

I've never heard anybody call Netflix that. I have to give credit to Mark Normand. He said it on my pod and I loved it so much. That's funny, man. I've been running with it. We just saw a clip of a guy, a weatherman, who's like, it's getting, he's like, he's

He's with the local news. And he's like, it's cold. And it's starting to feel like later in later October, or dare I say, the N-word. And they're like, oh, November? Nobody calls November the N-word.

On morning news is awesome. And the anger was black. The guy was like, what? That's so sick. To hint at that, it's one, look, here, this is barely anything. Yeah. Right? We're filling time while people are picking up their kids, you know, while they're raking leaves. People are driving to work, yeah. But to be on local news where it's like wholesome and old people are watching and to hint at a slur, that's awesome. It's pretty awesome. Respect to that guy. Respect. And also to try to assign that to the month of November. November.

is insane yeah and the thing is if you do that you gotta be positive about it yeah you gotta you can't be like ugh I fucking hate November dare I say the greatest month of all the n-word yeah you can't make it seem like ugh the n-words it's getting cold like the n-word it's the n-word of months ugh

You got to say that with an upbeat tone. There had to have been, like nothing would have been better than that commercial break, you know, where the producer's like, you out of your fucking mind? What are you doing, buddy? What are you doing, bro? We're live. When did you think this was a good idea?

Do you think they have like local news managers that are like, buddy, we need a viral clip. You need to hint at it. Can you do something? I don't know, something racial? Maybe slowly start doing more self-tanner until it starts being on the edge of blackface. You know what I mean? Because there's a way

that you can walk it up so slow yeah yeah like no one knows you're doing it you can't do it out of the gate you can't do it out of the gate you gotta start half shade up yep each like every three days I haven't done it yet Bert's been doing it a lot and he did that where he started subtle and then he showed up once and I was like whew what's going on he's like yeah it went darker yeah I can see that ha

And then Christina tried it, and it was also very, very subtle. Yes. I think you really got to dip your toe. You can't just- Can't cannonball into that. Do you spray tan? No, brother. This is all Mediterranean skin right here. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, dude. Do you get nice and dark, though? Dude, I get awesome. Yeah. When I hit the first three days in Greece, it's like I'm a new man. Literally, my brother, when we used to come home from- because we would spend like six weeks-

In Greece, like the old immigrant just went not a great vacation. I'm just living with my family. Yeah, like they're in Athens I was in Baltimore. Yeah, essentially the same life. We're playing FIFA. We're playing pickup hoops We go to the beach maybe three more times. Yeah in Greece and we're eating my grandmother's shitty, you know macaroni It's not even like, you know, whatever but my brother would come home and he would people would start talking to him in Southeast Baltimore in the middle school he went to was

mostly Hispanic people, start talking to him in Spanish. Because he's like long hair. He would get dark as shit. My brother's got a little more Turkish blood in him, we think. That's what that's like. That's something I noticed with, I guess I had less experience

exposure as a kid to, you know, like Greek people in high numbers. We got a little, there's like, everyone keeps telling me to go to Tarpon Springs or something. There's a bunch there. There's a bunch there, but Florida is not a. But when I hear a Greek national speak English, my ear, a lot of times I just hear Latin root. So I'll be like, oh, they speak Spanish. Yeah. Yeah. We have a little, yeah. I, when I, when I tried to pick up Spanish,

I quit it, you know, very easily. Really? I got it, but I didn't pick it up. But the pronunciation was not hard. Not hard, right. Because you can kind of like... So is your Greek pretty good? Greek's good, yeah. I'm fluent in Greek. Oh, that's rad, dude. So that was at home all the time. At home. My dad was one of those immigrants that like...

talks about how much he hated America. You know what I mean? Like one of those guys that's like pissed off. He's like, I can't believe I'm fucking here. Like, you know, hated it. My mom, he claims my mom trapped him. You know what I mean? Like, and your mom's American. No, no, she's Greek too. She's Greek too. Her family moved here in the seventies. And then my mom moved back to Greece. Cause she was like, America's bullshit. Yeah. I want to go back to Greece, you know? And I mean, it's tough to go to Baltimore. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, it'd be like, I can't wait to,

you're in Greece in the 70s and you're like, wow, Hollywood, New York City. And then you're like,

like Baltimore, fresh off white flight, fresh off the city. Industry is abandoning it. It's starting to turn to shit. We're on the upswing now. Baltimore's going up. And so she moved back. And then they came to America. And I was like, let's go visit my family for a year, see what's happening. And then they just stayed. They just stayed. I went to preschool with an accent. Oh, a Greek accent. Hello, I am Stavros. Eb.

Like literally, and half the kids in my class were like that. Really? When I was growing up, it was like 60% Greek people in my neighborhood.

Oh, really? So you guys lived in a Greek neighborhood. When my parents moved, I think that's kind of why they stayed. Because this is like the 80s when they moved back. Dude, there was like Greek speaking theater, like local theater. Like they would put on productions and like enough people would come to see them and pay for tickets. That that was like a sustainable cultural event in the neighborhood.

It was crazy. It was really interesting. I mean, it's unfortunately kind of like diffused now, but it was cool. I like that you have, I always feel like it's weird when somebody, not that you do this, but some people have like their identity is their ethnicity. Sure. And then you're like, oh, wow. Like, so they're like, you're all about being Italian. Like, how's your Italian? Like, I don't speak Italian. Like, what the fuck?

fuck man that's brutal that's step one yeah yeah yeah and those are the worst ones yeah oh my fucking god you don't even know what it's like to be Italian and it's like come on man you've watched the same movies I watched yeah yeah and they're good movies they're good movies but don't speak the language

And my favorite episode of Sopranos is when they go over there. Yeah. And it's like, and Pauly is just so disrespected by all the actual Italians. Yeah. Where they're just like, they're like, you know, these boorish Americans. They're like- Totally. This fucking guy wants tomato sauce. You know what I'm thinking? He asked for gravy and they're all snickering at him. Yeah. And he doesn't know how to take it. It's- Yeah, you ask for Parmesan on your seafood and they're like, it's a fucking animal. Yeah. Get out of here, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's really- Because like-

If you're American and you just watch those movies, your idea of what Italian is is not what Italian is. Right, right, right. That's a movie. Yes. It's an American Italian. Well, and especially The Godfather, apparently...

complete bullshit. Yeah. Like, just not how the mafia worked at all. Sure. Like, not... That's not what those people are like at all. But the later, you know, Scorsese was really... I mean, he grew up there. Yeah. He was really about, you know, reality, verisimilitude and all that kind of shit. And...

But which is cool. And the same thing with The Sopranos. Like they were really... But yeah, those people are fucking trash. They're scumbags, dude. They're murdering... And look, Goodfellas is probably my favorite movie. I'm a basic... I'm the male version of a basic bitch. Yeah. That's male pumpkin spice is Goodfellas. It's the greatest. I don't give a fuck. It fucking rules. Yeah. But those people are...

dog shit like you should never and it's so funny to think about like the guys who look up to them but are also cowards it's like aspiring murderers and like the guy who would if he had the courage you know what I mean like that's what happens in fucking Italian sorry to call you

yeah but you know there would be criminals but they're just cowards and that's like i wish i could be a piece of shit like this guy yeah one day i wish i could give my 19 year old mistress brain damage when she disrespects my mother's linguine unfortunately i just don't have the heart and i let her get away with it yeah yeah i saw a thing with um

With some mob guy, you know, interview, an older guy who was like, yeah, when The Godfather came out, we were like, oh, like this is what we should like dress like. Right. They changed it. Yeah. From that. And then the best are like, now there's like so many docs. The podcasts are crazy. By the way.

mafia guys are now just podcasters all of them it's crazy because they all ratted by the way you know they're like there's nothing worse than a rat they're all rats you fucking rat they all fucking snitched everyone snitched everyone snitched that's why they're doing podcasts the only one who didn't is god he died in prison the rest of them just all were like i don't want to go to prison yeah yeah i understand i get it i'd rat in a heartbeat but the uh the best are like there's the uh

The FBI guys that, you know, were working these cases. They do all these like bio, you know, docs about it. Yeah, yeah. No, I love all of them. I've watched most of them. And there's one dude. God, I wish I knew this guy's name. But he's in a bunch of them.

He's like, you don't understand how fucking stupid these guys are. He's like, these guys. He's like, you see them glorified in movies and all this shit. He goes, listen to the tapes. They have the vocabulary of a fucking third grader. They don't know shit. They're dumb. They're just dumb fucking dogs. Imagine being so stupid that a cop feels intellectually superior to you. A bee cop is like...

Read a fucking book every once in a while. I'm sorry, read the funny pages every once in a while. But he's right. When you listen to the tapes, the tapes of these guys talking their business, it is... Totally. It's like fucking middle schoolers. No, I mean, at the heart of it was just...

pure violence. And that's all there is to it. It's like, yes, some of them, obviously some of them were like smart, you know, just... Because the thing is, it's not like... Yeah, you talk about organized crime, but the organized crime, it's really just like a multi-level marketing thing. It's like a pyramid that goes... That's the organization. And yes...

in theory you're like protected if you're a made guy, but there wasn't like, okay guys, welcome to being in the mob 102. Today we learned shaking people down. It was like, hey, you have to go make me $1,000 or I'll beat the fuck out of you. And it was like,

every guy just came up with their own way to do that. Like crime. So it's like, and so some of them were like, you know, I mean, the classics are bookmaking and beating the fuck out of people. Yeah. Prostitution. Prostitution. Drugs. Drugs. I mean, you know, that's the other thing. Later on, some of them got into that. I love the idea that there was honor. Some of them wouldn't do prostitution. Get that shit out of this house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Shake People Down, that's a good one. Yeah, Shake People Down is a classic. I mean, I forget the guy's name. Is it Francese? Michael Francese, who he came up with the gas scams? Yes, yes, that's right. He does a bunch of podcasts, that guy. He's a huge podcaster. And he claims he only read it. Yeah, Francese. He claims he only read it because his dad okayed a hit on him, which...

If you're going to give anybody the okay to snitch, it's your own father's like, your own father not being like, come on, guys, can we not kill it? Can we just fucking rip his tongue out maybe? Can we make him so he can't rat? Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero lunchbox, superhero backpack.

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I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. But yeah, so some of them would do, you know, smart scams. Yeah. But most of them would just threaten people's lives and if it got down to it, kill you. Totally. And that's it. Which is like, you know...

It's like not, that's simple. It's just like you have to be so morally bankrupt that it's killing, taking somebody's life doesn't matter to you at all. It's really crazy how comfortable they got with murder and how they always saw it as like, yeah, but he's another mob guy. Right. So it's not really like, I don't feel bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a bad guy. I got rid of a bad guy for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. Cool, man. There's honor in this. Yeah, that's why I do think The Sopranos is the best movie.

I mean, also, that's what I really loved about...

the last Scorsese, when they're all fucking old, the Irishman. Yeah. Where it's just like, it just shows you where this ends up. Yeah. Even if you get out of this alive and you get out of jail and you end up free, it's like De Niro's character's in a fucking, he's in a fucking retirement home alone. His family doesn't talk to him. He killed his own best friend. And it's like, the last shot of the movie is him asking the lady to, you know,

cracked the door open just a little bit the way Hoffa did when they shared sweets. And it's like his only solace is remembering the times he had with the guy he killed in cold blood. Brutal stuff. That's brutal. Brutal stuff. Yeah. And that movie's interesting too. It's like maybe it's like a metaphor for just mob movies. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's over. We've done it all. We've said it all. We're all old. It's like, you know, the genre is done. It's almost like Scorsese putting a little pierced-

Period on it. I mean, it kind of like, what else are you going to make? Totally. I mean, here's the other thing is that watching these things now, like Netflix came out with that Gotti thing a while ago, you know, highlighting his run. Yeah. And then how that led to kind of the eradication of the mob in New York. And then you kind of, part of you wants to go, man, it'd be cool if they came back, you know? Like-

When are we going to get the mob back? Well, I will say there is something to... Everything I just said about these guys are pieces of shit and I don't want them back. Now it's like, well, it's like, now who runs gambling? Fucking...

I don't want, I mean, a company I advertise for. You know what I mean? But it's like, it's like, it's like there is something. You don't even feel it anymore. These people just ruin you. It's just like right to your bank account. And it's just like, there used to be some, you know, mob guys had to at least like, you know, keep some records. Can somebody show up with a fucking crowbar or something? Yeah, let's earn the money. Let's earn this guy ruining his family. Let me really feel fear. Yeah.

At these risks, I'm thinking. You got to think when a parlay hit, when a guy killing you was on the fucking table, nothing feels as good as that. You know what I mean? Like, yes, we've made it safer, but the guy who wins and saves his life temporarily that weekend, that weekend where he goes home and is able to put food on the table and not die, that must have felt... There's no rush like that. No rush like that. That's why you go back, dude. Yeah, these giant companies have robbed us of that. I mean, it is funny because...

yeah, it's like the more cashless society gets and the more like everything is automatic, the less margins. It's like where the mafia exists is also where like fun existed. You know what I mean? Because it's like, it was a little lawless. It was a little whatever. And it was like, those are the corners where it's like, yeah, you go do a little crime. You know what I mean? We all did a little petty crime, a little petty whatever. And it's just like, now everything is like, you know, direct deposit. There's no place for scams, but there's no place for like, you know,

hiding $500 from your wife so you and the boys can do a little yak. You know what I mean? Like old times. Yeah. You know, it's like everything... There is a... Here I am romanticizing the very thing I said was dog shit, but, you know, it's... It is... This isn't that much better. It's just...

Our overlords now are like huge tech banks. Yeah, huge corporations. Huge corporations that are much easier. One thing I will say not to get tinfoil hat with it, it's much easier for somebody to control everything now, whereas back then, try getting a bunch of Italians to do your bidding. Impossible. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I think that, though, how there's still neighborhoods and areas that are falling apart. And it kind of makes you think, is that what will spawn something like a mob again? Because typically, neighborhoods that are distressed and feel fear, then these guys come up and they go,

Nothing's going to happen to you. Right. But then there's just an exchange. It'll cost you. Yeah. And then that neighborhood actually becomes safe. Like, oh, great. There's no break-ins anymore. Nothing. Only thing is I just got to kind of break my back for this guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Only thing is there is no upward mobility for me. Yeah. And some fat dickhead in a track suit gets to buy diamonds for his wife because I'm working overtime at the grocery store. Just to pay this asshole. Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, no disrespect to fat dickheads. I'm one of those.

Or tracksuits. Or tracksuits. That's me. I will say I love the style of the mafia. I have really incorporated a lot of that in my personal. Sure. That's my personal style. Of a soldier and a fucking tracksuit? Come on, dude. Absolutely. I do dress like a guy about to die and has no idea. You know what I mean? Like a guy who's like,

Hey, boy. Oh yeah, boss. But me by myself, you want me to meet you there at midnight? I'll be there. It's like, that's, that is my fucking look. You know, we had to get rid of Stobby. Yeah. Yeah. I had a big mouth. It was slipping, talking a lot. I would be bragging about being in the mob to get pussy for sure. Yeah. I would be just have my hand on that high B beehive hairdo. You know what I mean? And like Jersey in the sixties, I'd be that. You're with a real soldier right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh,

Oh, fuck. Shout out to the fat. Look, and I'm happy to be here, by the way, to get the bear cave a little fatter again. Yeah, hey. That's one thing I had. Look, as a fan of the show, I've seen Stamos was on it. Yeah. Matt Rife. Well, let's get it fat back in here. No disrespect to those guys. I know. You've even abandoned us, you know? I'm trying. You're trying. I'm trying. In the light, you know how like,

people try and look at people hot. Like, you know, when you look at the mirror in yourself, you try and like make out the ass. You try to do, yeah. I'm the opposite with you where I'm like, I'm trying to make out a little titty. You know what I mean? Like I'm trying to look at your least flattering angle to be like, nah, he's still fat. He's still got, he's still us. We still got him. It's still there. I'm still on your team, dude. It's getting dangerous though. You're getting close. You're a day walker right now. You're blade.

Well, don't forget, you still got Bert. He's definitely on the squad. But he's doing a bizarre... You know what? He's actually the day walker. Yeah. Because he's like... He fluctuates so hysterically wildly where it's like, he's here, he's with us. And then you see fucking pictures of him and I'm like...

How, what is this fucking guy doing? He just did 83 days without booze. Insane. 83. And he said he ate pretty clean. Yeah. He looked good. The pictures. And in those, I think, so 83 days is what? It's almost three months. Yeah. And, uh, I think he dropped like close to 40 pounds. That's insane, dude. But that just tells you what the booze for him normally is. I,

When I was at MyFat, people would be like, man, just stop drinking. I'm like, I don't drink really. Dude, I hate that. Dude, you know how many tips I get where it's like, no sodas, don't drink soda. Go for a walk. I walk every day. I go for a walk. Everything people tell me. And they're like, hmm. And they're like, ah.

you got me you know what I mean it's like I don't know what the fuck it is I mean look I think it's mostly midnight desserts for me late night's the worst I'm a late night I'm a little late night slut and then you know anything bad happens I gotta eat anything good happens yeah gotta have a little ice cream no same dude it's always like and it is like you can have great like morning lunch and it's like

All of a sudden, like, it's past 7 and you're like... You should be like, I'm just done eating for the day. And that's when... That's when you can add thousands of calories. Dude, last night, I'm in my hotel room alone, you know, and I'm like...

I had a pretty good day. And in my head, I'm like, that was last night. I didn't like go crazy. I didn't have like a big meal at the end. And it was like, and then I like woke up and I was like, oh, I ate an entire box of like hotel room cookies. I ate, you know, two protein bars. That's my favorite fact. I move is the protein bars that are like candy bars now where I'm like,

Fuck it. It didn't work out that day, by the way. It didn't lift a single thing, but I'm like, I need my fucking protein. I need my protein. I need my s'mores flavored protein bar. I know. They're candy. They're candy bars. I know. Peanut butter, dark chocolate. Dude. But just because I didn't have like fries, I was like, it's a victory for me. I had a very fat moment where I was in the airport. I was, I flew here from, I was on, I was in Philly and I was in, um,

I'm getting, first of all, just what I ordered is a fat guy move where it's like, I'm in Philly. There's right next to my, I was set up for failure across from my gate is a cheesesteak place operating at 9am, right? 9am. 9am, the cheesesteaks are fucking rolling. I'm like-

I'm in Philadelphia. Yeah, what am I going to do? Not eat this? I'm sure they have a breakfast option. Literally tell the lady to crack an egg onto my cheesecake steak so that that's breakfast now. There you go. You know what I mean? That's the ultimate fat guy, like, the fat guy mouth is like, well, I would have gotten a bacon, egg, and cheese. Yeah. And you could argue that this steak meat is healthier than bacon. Sure, and it's high protein too. And it's high protein. Yeah, yeah. I have to go do 12 body weight squats later, so I need a lot of protein.

And then I get my thing and of course I tear off a little bit of bread from each side because now I'm like, come on, that's low carb now. I'm shedding the fucking... And then there was a woman eating

across from me hot girl by herself full cheesesteak fries clearly she's not gonna eat you know she's not gonna eat everything she's just like a hot woman who's like it i've done all the math right yeah i mean she's in philly she feels like she has to have a cheesesteak but she's eating one eighth of the whole thing and i can tell she's winding down and in my head i'm like

ask her for a fry yeah like the stranger I'm like go up there ask her for a couple fries yeah what's the fucking big deal yeah and I'm like yeah you want I didn't order them and I'm just doing this and I'm like and as I'm finishing my fucking like you know my steak the voice in my head is like ask her for a fry it's like

you know in a horror movie when the child is like revealed to be Satan slowly and he's like the closer you get to the cross the more he's like at first he's like mommy it's me what are you talking about and he's like it's me mommy put the cross away that's the voice in my head being like ask the fucking woman for a fry you're almost done the fucking sandwich get a fucking fry and I'm like I just have to eat it fast so that I don't cost this could you imagine think about

this woman a fat guy who's been staring at her probably this whole time doesn't know me I'm not I'm staring at you in a completely non-sexual way I'm just like so focused you know what I mean she thinks I'm trying to I'm thinking about kidnapping her probably imagine if I fuck and little does she know I'm just fat as shit imagine I walk up to her and I'm like

Hello. Hello, miss. Hope you're having a good breakfast. I noticed you had a lot of fries left over. You think maybe I could get four or five? Just have two nice bites with the rest of my cheesesteak?

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I'm Tom Segura. I'm Christina P. I'm Rob Eiler. I'm Jamie Lynn Sigler. I'm Dr. Drew. I'm Lauren Compton. I'm... Not in the show? For real? 69 minutes. If you give us an hour,

We missed nine minutes of our program. Like, that's insane. It is insane. And it totally speaks to... And I wanted... If there was no social mores, I would have done it 100%. My heart wanted it. Or just like, hey, I'll throw that out. She's like, what? Just leave it when you're done. Just leave it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I put on a polo like I work at the airport. I'm just like...

ma'am now it's fine now there's bus boys at the terminal fucking whatever yeah dude just imagine and if she had walked up to me and been like would you like some of my fries it would have been the happiest moment of my fucking life yeah but of course you know who the fuck would do that so you had to let those fries go I had to let them go but just the fact that it was that intense in my head I was like I totally understand it I've done all the fat guy math moves yes and then the best one for me was like

it could be a 45 minute workout where you just got a good sweat in and I would be like, I am good for 8,000 calories today.

I just killed it. I know. And anything that came in my direction after that, I was like, yeah, I busted my ass today. Fucking deserve it. Just fucking crazy amount. Yeah. Desserts. And I was like, yeah. And then I would think about, this is how crazy, I would think about like elite athletes that I've just seen

in some promo or something eating i'm like yeah he does it too and i'm just like yeah michael phelps yeah i pull up michael phelps diet from when he had he won the most gold medals of any human being yeah on earth and i'm like i should eat 10 000 calories a day look at this guy why can't i for that like yeah we're doing the same thing it's pretty close dude i was on the elliptical forever that's the same as swimming 15 miles i got on a row machine after an elderly woman and

bumped it up five pounds and did less reps than her. I deserve this. You eat a pizza. Here's the thing. The thing that, for me at least, in my system, if I'm eating pretty clean, when I throw a disruption in that, like yesterday, I was here. I was about to leave, and they had ordered a bunch of pizzas. And I was like, I'll have a slice. Yes. One slice of pizza.

just the fat content of like a greasy pizza, which is delicious. Oh yeah. Completely fucking wrecked me for like eight hours. Oh yeah. For eight hours. I was like, uh,

No, dude, I know. It destroyed me just because I have gotten it. Like, I used to be, oh, I'll eat this all the time. And yeah, I'll just live with diarrhea constantly. Of course. No, believe me. I'm sluggish. I'm planning. It fucked me up, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It fucked me up. I know. I know exactly how that goes. Because it's like your system switches over. It's like a car that has the ability to go from gas to diesel. Yeah. You know what I mean? And it's like, when you put the first...

switching over to either side, those first three days are brutal. The first day when I eat like a salad and my body's like, what the fuck is this? What are you doing? And my stomach hurts. Like I literally ate broccoli yesterday. Like before I come here, I had broccoli. Just had it. It was a dish. I had a steak. You know what I mean? Like it wasn't... And it was just like broccoli. I made... I basically made like

this is another fat guy, hilarious move where I'm like, I wanted Chinese food, but I'm like, I'm going to make my own beef and broccoli. Right. Cause it's like probably marginally healthier than the fucking thing. Then the one you pick up. Yeah. I just have broccoli dude. And I'm, my stomach is killing me from the broccoli. Dude. Christina used to tell, she goes, you're the only person I know who die or like salad gives them a diarrhea. Like she goes, salad makes you sick.

And I'm like, yeah. And then she goes, do you realize that everything does? She's like, if you eat too much sugar, you go, oh, that's too much sugar. I have to shit. Yeah. Because if you have too much fat, you're like, I have to shit. And then she goes, now if you have too many greens, you have to shit. And I'm like, look, man, I have a sensitive system. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you. I also, I have gotten to the point where once I take a bite,

And I finish the last bite, I have to shit within seven seconds. Of anything? And there is no way... Or of a specific food? It just happens half the time. Okay. Where it's like, there's no... That is still in my throat and I have to shit. Yeah. It's like, I don't know how... And sometimes I see the food I ate and I'm like, how are we just shooting this thing through? What's going... Am I not getting any fucking nutrients here? Is my...

trying to survive. They're like, we can't absorb this shit. Let's just get it out, dude. Let's see the brioche bun just floating there. That's the craziest part is that the thing that disrupts me the least like digestively are breads and starchy things which everyone's like, avoid that. And I'm like, yeah, that's the thing that feels...

Feels nice. Yeah. It just doesn't upset you at all. Comforting. Yeah. Yep. I mean, not just like, I mean, literally the stomach goes, oh yeah, a pound of bread. Nice hunk of bread. Yeah. That's all good. Yeah. A little rice. Nothing wrong with that. Just the special, which is out, Fat Rascal. Yes, Fat Rascal. Where'd you shoot it? I shot it here, actually. I shot it in Austin. Oh, that's right. I remember. I was here, actually. I think I did YMH.

- Right before or right after I shot it? - Did you tape a bunch? I forget. - I taped four shows. - Yeah, you taped four. - At the Paramount. - At the Paramount. And you said it went great. I remember seeing you. - I was so happy with it. - Austin comes out for standup. They love it. - It was great, man. It really was. And the Paramount is such a sick spot where it feels classic and old school, but everyone's right on top of you. It was kind of a gamble 'cause I just hadn't played it before, but I was like,

This timing wise, it made sense. And it was four shows, which at the time I was like worried to sell it out four times. Everything came together. Looks awesome. Shout out to Ben O'Brien, my director,

Ben rocks, did such an awesome job. And yeah, it's been awesome. I'm somebody who, whenever they are like, all right, here's a line cut. I'm like, great, I'll take a look at it. And then I just don't look. And then they're like, hey, will you look? And then I get, they're like, hey, we're going to have to move your air date if you don't look. And I'm like, all right, do you? Dude, the edit.

It's horrible. It's brutal. Because in my head, I was like, well, I shot the special. It's now done. You guys do it. I've been working on it the whole time since, where it's like, I got my editor. I have... And then even like the sound... Shit you don't think about, where it's like... The way a special sounds...

can be really strange. And it's like, it can really take you out of it if the laughter feels fake. Oh, the sound mixes. Yeah, yeah. And it was, so it was like, we worked on that forever. Every special that I've ever put out, I get people that go, why'd you put a laugh track in this? Dude. And I'm always like,

Bro, there's 3,000 people at the show. And they're like, no, it's a laugh track. I'm like, no, no, no. There's mics in the room and there's thousands, thousands of people there. That's the sound you're hearing. I know. And I really wanted it. I didn't want it to sound like. Yeah. Because there's little shit you can do. And whatever. I learned for next time too about ways I want to do it and all that kind of stuff. You're always building on it. Did you have a clearly best show that you're like, oh, this is the one to mostly use?

I think so, yeah. We mostly used, I think, it was the first show on Friday, I think. So the first of all? No, no, the third show. It was the third show. Third show, okay, interesting. Yeah, third show. There were great moments, and I kind of really liked doing four because it kind of takes all the pressure off it. It takes all the pressure off. And it makes it feel real. That's how, at least at the time, that's how I was performing, where it's like,

You go to a city, you do four fucking shows. You get into your rhythm. And I think first specials, it's different because now I've been doing a little bit of like the theater one show in each city thing, which is cool. And it's a different experience, but like nothing beats the just showing up, working it out. You know, each crowd is different. It's a little smaller. So you really get to connect with people. And so, yeah, I loved it. It was really great. That's awesome. So I'm pumped for it. And I just wanted to kind of like...

do one thing, like do like a mainstream kind of thing. Cause it's like, you know, the internet's shout out to the internet. My whole, I owe my whole life to people finding podcasts, clips, everything from the internet. Um, but I want just, you know, some random motherfuckers to shit. You know what I mean? That's the best part. Some moms to see my shit. Who is this guy? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who's this fat rascal? Exactly. Fat rascal. Come on. It's a great name. Thanks dude. How did you name it? Did it just occur to you? I wanted it to be fat little slut, but Netflix was like,

that is not gonna work they were just like we cannot do that and also like imagine like check out my special just google fat little slut like you know it was like it was like instantly you couldn't it would just be girls getting railed chubby girls getting railed so

I wanted something that was kind of... It was just somebody abusing a girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a fat slut. Yeah. Right. It would be like sub-dom. It wouldn't even be like just a bubbly, cute little fat girl. I tried to name mine the N-word, but they insisted...

on sledgehammer i was like okay whatever the big end the big end is here yeah um and also you blessed us and uh in our internets with um you're appearing in 69 minutes our special i can't wait that uh that comes out december that was super fun thank you for doing that of course man so funny and um there's like i've been telling people we we put this thing together this was like

this ambitious, just fun thing that everybody has been busting their ass on. But to have it be what we wanted it to be, people like you had to get involved. So we have you, you know, Brian Simpson appears in it, Mateo Lanes in it. Oh, Mateo's my guy. Yeah, I mean, it's... Mateo, my old school, we've talked about him, my old school nudes partner.

Yeah, that's right. He mentioned that, yeah. We're bringing it back, too. We've been in talks. You've been in talks, yeah. To put our bare dicks in the same room sometime soon. That's awesome. Yeah. That's awesome, dude. Yeah.

Yeah, no, I can't wait. It was super fun. I don't want to give anything away. Yeah, no. For those that want to check it out, go to ymhstudios.com and it airs on the 15th. So a lot of people worked hard on that. I was going to say for Greek stuff, Giannis too, right? Yeah. You guys. It's one of the biggest sins that we haven't had him. I guess I just record a bunch of my shit in batches.

And I've all, it's never worked out, but I got to get, he's first on the list of getting Giannis. He's so funny. So funny. So funny. And like, it's interesting too, because he's a different, he's a different kind of Greek guy where it's like, my family's just came in the 80s, right? Like my dad barely speaks English. He's been here 40 years. Still? Yeah. Like he speaks, he can get by, but it's like clearly not his first language at all. Heavy accent. Heavy accent. If now, if you're talking about cabinets,

He's got it down. You know what I mean? He's a master woodworker. Okay. But like feelings, you know what I mean? Like, you know, familial issues. Although we're... I don't want to show my dad too much. We're working it out over here. But like my mom's kind of... I mean, she's more assimilated, but she's still, you know, she's kind of... She's definitely first generation. You know, she was born there, you know? And Giannis, I assumed...

because he is so plugged into like Greek shit and he does get the culture so much that he was the same way. Everyone I had ever met was first generation because that was my whole, everyone I grew up with, their parents were all born in Greece. But yeah, his family like goes back pretty far to New York. I think at least one or two generations where I think he had like grandparents that were- But his dad is from Greece. His dad. Yeah.

I think so. Yeah, he was from Greece for sure. His dad was, okay. Because I met his cousin. His cousin was fresh off the boat one time and I was like, now this is a fucking Greek guy. This fucking guy rules. It's so fun having foreign family. It's awesome. And when they come here and you're like, yeah, don't worry, you stand out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It starts with attire. You're like, what the fuck is this, bro? For me growing up, because we used to always do...

I would go for my summer because in my family, you know, they're in the Southern hemisphere, right? They're in Peru. So they'd, they'd come up for their summer. So we're in school and they, I would always be like, bro, you can't wear jeans that tight. We can see your unclipped hog. Like what? And we go, bro, no, no,

And their whole thing was like, because this is the 90s, they're like, so baggy. I'm like, yeah, this is normal. You look like you want people to kick your ass. Of course. For this era, and we're 15, like, forget it. You can't. You can't do it. No. I remember we had family that came over from Greece. Actually, they lived, he was a Greek guy who grew up with my dad. He moved to Austria, so he's double European. Yeah. Double European, right? Yeah.

And him and his son, and we went to Delaware just on the beach. These guys have Speedos that are so tight.

Everyone. And it was like a gay area, I guess. Yeah, yeah. So everyone thought... And he has like a son that looks identical to them. And it's like, is this a gay father and son? And a child... Is this child also gay? And everyone was just like... We got so many... People were staring at us. And I was even like, what the fuck is going on out here? They got the hogs out. Yeah. But how often would like... So they would come up and... What was like when you were down there? You know, first of all, like they... I mean...

Fair skin. Yeah. Blue eyes. The whole family? Well, no. I'm saying when I would go. When you would go. Because your mom, look, she could be whatever. She looks Latin. You could convince me of a lot of things. Yeah. My cousins, it's funny too because-

They're also fair skin, but you just look at them and you'll be like, oh, they're not American. Even facial features and stuff. Right away, people would always do a double take and be like, you're definitely not from here. Sometimes you could speak Spanish for a while, and if you're speaking really well, they would just be like, oh, what country are you from? They would assume that I was Latin from another country. Then I'd tell them half, and they were like,

Yeah. But your gear too, there also would be like wild clothes you got on. Cause our, our, what we wear just like, it really makes totally, it's like an announcement, you know? Um, I also remember when I studied in abroad, when I was in Spain, I had a, I had an,

by this older lady. She was in her 70s and she had a couple of us American boys there. That was like her little side business was like. Yeah, exactly. It was her hustle. Her son, so I was 20. Her son was 40 and he would come over on weekends with his son and we would have lunch together. And I remember one time he was like, do you know how I can tell when someone is American? And I'm like, how? He's like, because you guys dress like shit. Oh, yeah.

So if I see somebody in pajamas, I go, there's an American. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, cool, man. But the thing is, like, the unofficial attire of, like, a guy in Madrid, if he's Spanish, was always a collared white shirt, like a navy sweater and, like, dress slacks. Interesting, dress slacks. Yeah, everyone dressed like that for everything. No JNCOs. Yeah, no, and every woman had, like, the wraparound scarf. It was just like...

That was the attire of the time. Yeah, I wonder if my family is just trash in Greece because everything was just kind of shittier versions of our clothes. Like they begged us for like, my uncle would- Gets, gets jeans, gets shirts. My uncle was really into Gant, which is a, I don't even know what the fuck that is. Gant? Yeah, Gant. Is that a brand? It's a brand. That's hilarious. They would want like, they would want like, you know, polo, Tommy Hilfiger. So I think my family was just-

you know, just broke. Yeah. Because, like, I had that experience... I never had that experience of them looking better. Everyone was just slightly gayer. Yeah. That's the only really thing... Like, tighter. Tighter. Tight was the thing, dude. Tight was it. And, like, you know, touchy-feely. Tight, ironically, made, like, is...

Became in fashion many years later. Yeah, skinny jeans and shit like that. Now when you see super baggy stuff from the, you're like, that looks goofy. What's coming back? Gay guys have big pants. They have big pants now? And what gay guys are doing, we'll be doing in nine months, brother. I'm telling you, that's how it works. They take the lead for sure. I'm in New York too, so it's like, we're kind of like the gays of straight people, the straight people in New York. It kind of filters into gay people to straight, gay New Yorkers.

to straight New Yorkers, to gay people in Ohio. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? And then the straight people after that. Yeah, and then finally. That's so true. You're ahead of the other gays. Of course. Yeah. Oh, yeah. If you're straight in New York. Not me. I'm kind of a classic, like I said, fat guy look. Hawaiians, when it's hot, tracksuits when it's cold. Sure. I'm a simple man. You know, I just nail it. It is kind of the best...

simplicity and comfort. Comfort first. 100%. Yeah, this is it for the rest of my life. By the way, when I... So I did...

athens on my on my tour oh hell yeah and before i went everybody was like you're gonna want to get out of there like it's it's not yeah it's rough it's kind of a shithole and i was like really i didn't have any reference yeah so we we land and yeah we're driving through athens and like highways all spray painted and i was kind of rough do they take us to the south end of athens

Oh, my God. On the water and the resort there. I mean, that's out of control. And we tried to change our flights to stay longer. Totally. Like, this is the fucking best place I've ever stayed. Yeah. I mean, that part of Athens is so, like, again, I didn't even know that. Again, to show you how, like, poor my family was. Yeah, yeah. I had no idea that existed. That that's even there. No, no. Like, we would drive.

90 minutes to go to the beach because it's like to go there is almost like you feel like you're not allowed yeah sure yeah they're like don't go there and even then now it's like I was staying I went this summer and I my best friend from college his family's Greek too and his family's rich like they're rich and when I visited them I was like

oh, I see what's going on here. There are two different Athens. You know what I mean? And it's like, that shit is, it's incredible. And by the way, even the fucking grimy shit, I love that. Athens, begrudgingly, I have, like I used to say, it reminded me of Baltimore. Yeah.

Even though I'm an East Coast guy, begrudgingly, I have to say it's actually a little LA-like, where it's like everything's spread out. It's like a big... In Athens? In Athens. Everything's spread out. And the mountains are crazy. And the climate is very similar to LA, actually. It was... Look, it was...

Absolutely stunning. And then from our hotel, we could see the homes that are on the water. And we were like, this is paradise. Dude, it's incredible. Because everyone always talks about the Greek islands. But from where we're standing, we're like, why would you leave here? Dude, and if you go to... You could go to any... Pick any island. And it's better than the best resort in America. Yeah. And it's just beautiful. It's like, I took my family... Or my friends were visiting with me. And we just were on a road trip. And we just stopped...

on the side of the road in mainland Greece. And I was like, ah, this beach kind of looks like shit. Like if we want to take a dip, we might as well. It was like, ah, it has, it doesn't have sand. It has rocks. And they were like,

This is one of the most beautiful beaches I've ever been to. And it's just like a roadside. Really? Like roadside beaches in like, oh shit. Like no one would ever consider that a vacation in Greece. It's a culture that's spoiled for vacation. For vacation, yeah. We crush hanging out. We crush having a good time. For sure you do. Grilling. The food is insane. Hanging out, not doing, having coffee for eight hours. What's your favorite Greek dish?

I'm a traditionalist where I just like, give me some fresh shit grilled. Yeah. Like anything you want. And what's great about Greece, like you go to any beach, there is a restaurant on the side of the beach called

And they all have the exact same menu. And they all have the lamb and the cucumbers. Lamb, Greek salad. Like here's my go-to spread. Tzatziki, of course, the yogurt dish. A Greek salad. You get fried calamari. I like it fried. What can I say? But grilled is nice too. You get lamb chops or something called codosouvli, which is like...

a slow roasted pork spit. Oh, dude, you're making me salivate here. Yeah, dude, it's incredible. You have to, you also, what I really like is there's places where you just show up and an old woman comes out of the kitchen and she verbally tells you what she has today. This is it. And that, there's nothing better. I agree. She's like, what do you want? Like, I went there with friends and they were like, where's the menu? And she just comes out and can't speak English. Yeah.

Country built on tourism. This woman never bothered to pick up yes or no. You know what I mean? And just I order. We've had some of the best fucking meals. When we were in Athens, it was one of the first times where it was so demanding with all the movement that a lot of times we would be in cities and we were like, well, let's find an awesome restaurant to eat at. And we had done that.

At that point, in a ton of cities, like we started in Budapest and we did it there and we did it in Berlin and we did it in Paris and Norway and on and on and on. So, you know, this is stop, like, let's say 15. Sure. And it's like, we're at the venue in Athens and it's like, what do you want to do for dinner? I go, you know, why don't we just have just something, let's go simple.

Instead of going out, let's just have food brought here. And he's like, what kind of food? I go, I don't know, Greek food? Right. I'm in fucking Greece. I've had some Greek food in my life. I'd like to try it in Greece. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we're like, okay. Like, just simple. I was like, just let's just ask them where they would get, you know, the venue people. Dude, they just brought the gyros. Oh, dude. And the Greek salad. By the way, the Greek salad is.

had on top of the Greek salad just a block of feta. A block of feta. Oh, yeah. And I was like, well, one of the guys who was like, my stomach's bothering me. He just ate the block of feta. He's like, man, my stomach's still bothering me. I'm like, you just ate a block of cheese.

You psycho. Yeah, dude. But it was up to that point. We had been at Michelin star restaurants and everything. And I was like, man, it'll hit the spot in a way. Baklava was, they were this size, not this shit. No, no, no, no. And then you didn't even go to like the bakery in the morning. You got to do that next time you're there where it's like, and that's what I think is the best about Greece is like,

You know, I haven't, I'm sure there's fine dining, right? I've literally never done it any time, you know, there's no reason to. What is great about Greece is the consistency across the fucking country. Yeah. And it's also, when I traveled around Europe, when I was broke as fuck and I was like 20, the bet, if you're broke or if you're rich-

you will have the best time in Greece. Whereas that can't be said of other cities. No. Like, if you don't have money in certain cities, the food is fucking dog shit. London? London, forget about it. Yeah, you're fucking having chips and peas and shit like that. Fucking, you go to Norway, you're eating fucking elk.

You're eating fucking whale blubber and elk? Unless you have $1,000 to spend on a meal. Yeah. It fucking rules, dude. Yeah, that's awesome. It makes me want to go back, dude. You got to go back. You got to go back. Yeah. I want to go to the... I've never been to South America. I really want to fucking go. I might go do a little fucking warm...

after this tour is done after now that the specials done all that stuff hit a little go to the beach bro yeah yeah I mean imagine you go down to like Rio yeah check it check out I don't think I can do that no too little too much access to some of my vices Thomas I don't know that I can be left alone celebrating in Brazil with a nice hunk of with a nice hunk of like tour money in my bank account I think it's exactly what you need to do

And then once it gets a little out of hand, I can't do it. You go down, uh,

I can't do it. Do a little loop-de-loop. Where you're from, is it beachy? I don't know what they say. Yeah, like Lima is a Pacific town. It's like the same kind of climate that L.A. would be. So they're like, it's freezing. It's 50 outside. Got you, got you, got you. Yeah, summers are, everyone's at the beach. Now, how much genocide do you think your family did to maintain fair skin up until now? Because that's something I've always, when I see your mom talk, I'm like, that is conquistador blood. Yeah. That is...

Well, you know what's so funny, dude? In 2000, before 23andMe or any of these things, this is the other side. This is my dad's side. So my dad's side is obviously Segura. Yes. And so my mom's side, her last name is Lasarte. And her other last name, Ugarteche. So that's...

Slayer of indigenous. They both go back to Spain. So on her side, her father's family comes from central Spain. Her mother's family comes from northern Spain. Holy fuck, she can trace it all the way back there. All the way back there.

So this is like my dad's family reunion with his brothers and sisters and all the cousins. And there's like a bunch of us. Yeah. And it's for New Year's 2000. And they go, oh, we hired. So the dads out of pocket hired- On the Segura side? On the Segura side, a genealogist. Oh, wow. Before 23andMe. Before all that stuff. They're spitting in some guy's hand, not a vial. Exactly. Exactly.

And this guy did it, but like the old fashioned way where he was like, like hiring a private detective. He's going through like, you know, public records and shit like that. Yeah. And he had charts and he was like doing a presentation and we're all sitting there in this thing and he finds the first

from our bloodline that came over and he came over from Andalucia in the South and he came to Louisiana, right? And there's a bunch of Seguras in Louisiana. And then he's like, we're like, oh wow. He's like, and we think, well, that's the end of the story. And he's like, this guy is,

a millionaire. What the fuck? In the 1700s, right? What the fuck? And we're like, oh, wow. And then you're kind of like, hey, that's pretty cool. Yeah. And then he's like, yeah. I don't know if there's any chill way to make a million dollars in the 1700s. In the 1700s. And then he's just like, yeah, he was a really bad guy. What? What?

The seed from which you all sprang. Yeah, they're like, he was not a nice man. And then you think that you're like, how's this going to end? Yeah. Then he puts up a photograph of just a tree. And he's like, this is where he killed a guy on this tree. And we're like, oh, Jesus.

And then it's just like... One guy, that's fine. To me, I was like, this is the Segura hanging tree. One of them got out of line. It's just like, he just keeps telling worse and worse stories. He's the first guy that invented lynching. Yeah, that's you guys. That's who your family is.

And we're like, this is cool. At one point, he produces 30 pages from the guy's will of slaves. He's like, just pages. And we're like, yeah, everyone's just like, this is a cool event. Wow. Can't wait to do the electric slide now. Can't wait to grill up some burgers. Turn the music on. I think I'm going to sit in quiet contemplation. Yeah, I'm like, oh, man.

Of the sins in my blood. In my blood. Yeah. It just went... It got worse from there. That is crazy. He had this business and he was ruthless and they were like, cool, cool, cool. Even his side projects were like fucked up. Yeah. He was like, yeah, he did slavery, but he also, you know, he also entrapped some artists. You know what they did in Motown? He was kind of above that. He also killed prostitutes a lot. A lot of them, actually. There's...

They couldn't prove it because there was no DNA back then, but he's highly suspected to be the Louisiana prostitute slayer. Segura the prostitute slayer. Segura is a great name to say Creole to. Segura. Segura. It was one of those. Don't you go over there to Segura land, boy. You know what he does to little boys. He gets strung up. Strung up, fucks them, cuts the nuts off, makes a necklace. That's my grandpa. Yeah.

Yeah, pretty cool. He was like the boogeyman in that town. Don't go to the Segura estate. I mean, he painted a picture.

for a half an hour of this guy being a savage yeah just a small time fucking warlord and then it was like enjoy your family reunion dude you gotta run that by the principles before you give the whole family you gotta let the dads do it yeah and have them be like just uh there's kids here man can you just pretend you didn't know can you cut the slave stuff out of the presentation just say he went to Ellis Island started a fruit stand yeah

Give us something. Good guy. Give us, you know. They should have like standard American stories. Yeah. That like, if your father or your great, you know, whatever, your great, great, whatever is a piece of shit. Yeah. You should be able to like, yup, he actually fought for the union and died. You know what I mean? He was Abraham Lincoln's best friend. He was a patriot and that's all we know. Yeah.

Unfortunately, the records aren't kept very well from that era. Yeah, they just give you the town he came from. Man with honor. The American, dude, that's a... I mean, I wonder what he was up to before. I can't imagine. It's so fucked up to be like... Also, think about the type of guy in that era who's like, just get on a ship across the world. The shittiest...

People are dying next to you. That's how much I want to get out of here. And then you just arrive on new land. Like, I'm going to fuck shit up here. Time to kill people. Yeah. Back to the mafia thing. Yeah. He had a little bit of that in him. They said that. I mean, I just saw. I don't know if it was like a bio thing about the Columbus expedition. How the guy. He had like. It was just like 80 guys.

on one of these or yeah these ships and they were saying that like when they landed i forget in which if they were in cuba or something that they would just uh maim people for sport like just cut hands off for sport just to warm up just like this is yeah i'm ready to go like just insane cut those hands you're right these are the guys that are just like i'm gonna fucking i'm gonna just get on a ship i'm gonna get dysentery i'm gonna get fucking scurvy and i'm just you know

Who knows what they were fleeing to. Right. Those are guys, the guys that get on those ships do not have a good life in that fucking country.

fucking country there's no way you're like home is awesome yeah yeah yeah yeah i have a great wife right great kids my job is killer like yeah they're not thinking like that at all it's it's yeah they're escaping their escape it's like it's like join the army or get executed or like get on this boat or get executed for your many crimes sure which i think is probably what happened a lot of and it's like you've been on that ship by the way for months yeah and then there's like a a

a type of person you've never seen. And they're like, if you want to go and fuck them up. That's your first instinct? It's a good time to do it. I know you're pent up, man. I mean, think about the like...

Yeah, dude, these guys have been pent up just bros the whole time. The whole time. You're tired of the guy with the bum ankle. Yeah. That can't defend himself. Charlie. Yeah, you're tired of, you know, fucking the guy with a little hand who's on the expedition. Yeah, Charlie Hops over there. I mean, what they were up to.

it's uh these are criminals this is the 1700s you it's really like uh it's yeah everything columbus did makes sense wasn't good yeah right like but you yeah also i just i always think about like when something like horrific happened like that and you know in our world in our mind today if somebody does something terrible they would

tell somebody and then you have this reaction of like what did you do but I imagine that like when those guys when they were like somebody was like he just ripped these people and cut their hands off that Columbus would be like he'd be like that's what you get for tattling yeah what do you think we're doing here of course I'm here for spices and pussy I want these guys to have some fun yeah yeah

They've been on a ship for seven months. He saw himself as a cool boss. Yeah. He was like- You got to keep morale up. You got to keep morale up. I'm going to be a dick. Come on, have you seen Gimp Charlie's hole? We've used it up. He's bleeding all over the place. These guys got to have a good time. Yeah, let these guys fucking let loose, man. Yeah, dude. Fucking brutal stuff. Got a bunch of knuckleheads on this shit. I know. Yeah, yeah. Just-

We got a couple of kooky characters in here. Chopping hands off again? Fucked up, dude. Fucked up, man. Yeah, I don't have any kind of like genealogy of my family, but apparently Halkias, it's a name from an island. So everyone, my grandfather grew up in mainland Greece, but he like-

His grandfather was from this island called Carpatho. And apparently... And we can't find his side of the family because that was like the most...

common name on that island. It was like Johnson or Smith or whatever. And we met some random cousin, a guy I don't know at all, just Facebook messaged my brother years ago with all this rumor about that side of the family. And the rumor is that apparently, we don't know our actual name from that side of the family, but apparently that guy...

fucked some guy's wife the guy was gonna kill him and he just left the island and changed his name to the most common name from that island so no one could trace him so it's like so it's just I'm out so it's like a guy who like fucks a guy's wife and won't defend himself is a coward like that's who I'm descended from it's like

A horny coward. I'll change my name. Change my name. I don't need to live. Everything I know, this is the 1800s. I'm just going to go fucking roll the dice, starting new life. I think I have a bunch of assholes on both sides. Yeah, my grandfather, who I never met on my mom's side, everybody was like, this guy was, you know, he was a serious man. Oh, yeah, that's brutal. Yeah, and you're like, oh, like he was a doctor. You know, this is like...

A long time ago. It's like in South America. Oh, man. And then he became mayor of the town. Dude, doctors now. What do you think they were doing then? I mean, here's the thing. There's no such thing as in that era, too, of like –

The idea that you would question this man. Right. He knows how to read. So he's... Yeah, he's the guy. Like, he just tells you and then you just go, like... Yeah, yeah. And I think he was pretty big ego. Little warlords, basically. Yeah, he was like... It's like a warlord. Dr. DeMayer back then is... Yeah, you're not fucking with that guy. No way, man. No way. And they're like, yeah, you know, he was...

I don't think he was a sweetheart of a dad. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. All the stories are just like, he would come home, and my mom or whatever, had to take his shoes off, give him a glass of scotch, and put on classical music, and that was how he would unwind. I mean, it is kind of like a warlord's return. Totally, totally. Yes, sir. Yes, yes. Yeah, if you don't do it fast enough, he just kicks his own child. He's like, pop! Oh, yeah.

Next one up, who gets to put my slippers on now? Yeah, that's a backhand era too. Oh, yeah. They don't even count that as hitting your kid. No, no, no. That's maintenance. Yeah, and that's not for saying some shit. That's just because he felt like it. Yeah. A little Columbus vibe. Yeah, yeah.

Why are you looking? I feel your presence. Do not look like that at me. Do not look at me with love and respect. Adore me always. Adore me or nothing. Yeah, yeah. That doesn't seem to like, I feel like that era of, it's not passable now.

I'm sure there's people listening who are like, oh, you haven't met my dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel like it's less frequent. Well, it's kind of like dogs where it's like, yeah, they were wolves. Yeah. And then slowly, not every man is a Pomeranian. Right. But even a bulldog now or even a pit bull now is not what it used to be. You know what I mean? That's kind of how I see it because it's like every foreign dad, what you're describing is just a very –

turned up version of most foreign dads that I know. Yeah. You know, where it's like, yeah, it's just slowly we're working, we're putting some humanity into these people because all those people...

Even if they weren't sociopaths, they probably had... Think about how atrocious their fucking lives were. That's what I always think about. We talk... Christina talks about her parents and grandparents and all their shortcomings and what was normal to them. I'm like, yeah, but what was his fucking childhood like? I know. That must have been fucking horrific. Totally. The dad was like, yeah, we find dead soldiers and just play with their bullets that were falling. You're like, yeah, that's...

That's what he did when you went to the fucking mall. Right. That was his mall. It was like the mass grave. You would dig through the mass grave to find cool shit. He didn't understand, she told me this, that people have their dogs indoors here. Yeah. That's a big... That was a big one. But they had a Maltese. Like, that's a fucking... Yeah. That's a cute little lap dog. They just put it outside. And it was like his...

second wife that was like, let's bring... He's like, the dog? Yeah. The dog stays outside. I got a little villager brain in that sense too where I'm like, I like dogs. Yeah. I've never had one because I'm always traveling and I do want one at some point. But the idea that a dog would be in my bed actually fucks me up. Really? I really think like... I think that... The couch is one thing. The bed. I think that, yeah, it's what you're like...

To me, it's normal because I grew up with it. Most of my friends have dogs. I get it. They would hear me say that and be like, you're a monster. But it's like, it's a fucking animal. That's exactly... That's villager thoughts. I know, it is. My mom, it's so funny. My parents found this adorable little dog, right? Just found it strolling the streets of Baltimore, a little Shih Tzu dog.

uh, we thought it was a baby. My, they took it to the vet finally and like to check if, you know, had chip, no owner, no nothing. Apparently it was just like a fucking turned out like street whore. Like our little cute, we thought it was this little baby. The vet's like, take a look at her nipples. They're just like dangling. Like this thing was like, it's already like 10 years old, but she's so cute and little. Um,

And she might, they took her to the vet and they were like, Hey, we noticed something with her heart. Like her heart has a problem. And they were like, we could do this test. Test will be 200 bucks. But if it comes back,

she's good if it comes back positive she's gonna need a $3,000 operation and my mom was like don't do the test my mom was like either she's got it or she don't she ain't getting a fucking operation sure sure it was like I'm not my mom loves this dog yeah that's the thing they still have it? still have it she's still going good she's fine but it's like it's not like the dog doesn't matter to her it's just like

well if my car needed fifty thousand dollars in repairs and it cost twenty thousand dollars why would i do that yeah it's just like a dog is not worth thousands of dollars that's also doesn't even compute that's also very foreign parent right because like americans will be like i'm just doing this uh knee replacement on my dog it's 15 grand like you know i got yeah even i am like come on it's a fucking

Give it some fucking extra food. Let it get fat and like, you know, whatever, hang out, feed it, whatever the fuck it wants. Let it go out easy. But yeah, fucking knee replacement. I can't do that. Like when people cook food for their dogs, I'm like, Oh yeah. Come on guys. We picked up a dog one time, like where we, we got it from this, uh, uh, breeder. We also had a rescue. Yeah. Yeah. We got one from a breeder. It evens out. And when we picked it up,

they gave us a laminated thing and i was like what is that dude and they were like this is like what she eats and i'm reading i was thinking like i grew up with like here's dog food yeah and so she was like in the mornings you know i'd scramble some eggs i dice up this stuff and i was like and then she was like and then in the evening or for that other meal i i mince mince chicken and i throw in and i was like

I'm glad you, thank you for printing this out for me. I will follow this to a T. Yeah, but I thought that was crazy. But there's a lot of people that they're like, yeah, of course you do that. That's crazy to me. I mean, my brother, they just got an awesome dog, but he's actually, what he's doing, I respect even more because he won't feed it. It's going back to its roots where he just throws a fucking chicken feet.

Oh, yeah. And he just throws in meat. It's like, it's a fucking dog. Bones, yeah, yeah. And she's like, she likes that. And that is actually probably healthier for a dog. Probably. You know what I mean? And she's cool. I mean, she doesn't go outside, but... The best feeling in the world, though, is when you have a dog and you have, like...

bone from like a t-bone and there's still there's a lot of fat on it and there's still some meat chunks and you just see the dogs like a crack head it's like like starting to oh yeah and then you go here you go and they're like and they just lose their minds yeah and they end up just licking the bone if you send me that bone I'd lose my mind I'm sucking off a bone oh yeah I've done it in restaurants too you know because they're like it's not proper I'm like this bone is getting picked up

This fucking steak was $100. You don't think I'm sucking off every fucking piece of it? Absolutely. It's like, yeah, I have money now. It's been a year that I've had any money. So I'm sucking off the steak. 100%. It's not even close. I do not respect. That's the best part. The best part is the bone. It's the best part. It's a fucking steak.

And it's all like... Let's eat it with our hands. Like kind of grilled crisp, you know? Crispiness. Dude, I fucking cracked the bone and been like... Inside. The fat coming out of it. Fucking awesome. Yeah. We can go to get a steak right now. My neck's getting hard just talking about this. I know, dude.

I'm down. I'm down for a fucking ribeye right now. Oh, dude, I'm a ribeye boy, no question about it. I need my shit fatty as fuck. Yeah. Don't give me a filet. I'll spit in your eye if you serve me a filet. I need that shit marbled. It's got to have, I mean, at least get me a New York strip. Minimum. And I'm like, okay. You give me a New York strip, I'm like, fine.

But a bone-in ribeye? Come on, man. I need it fattiest. And by the way, it wrecks my body. You're not supposed to eat that much. I know. I wake up. I go to bed after a big steak dinner, and I'm like...

I will be up at 3 a.m. taking the worst shit of my life. I will be scared. I will be like, is this it? I will be hot. Hot as fuck, dude. Yeah. I will be like, did somebody poison me? Like the last three rib-eyes I've had... Consistently, yeah. No, no. At first I was like, wow, that restaurant. I went to a fancy restaurant. It poisoned me. That's what I thought. And I was like, maybe it was the...

60 ounces of meat plus appetizers. It's so much food. It's crazy. It's so fucked up. When I have a fatty steak, within three hours, I start farting. Oh, yeah. But a type of fart that it does smell like...

Someone is going to be hospitalized. It's not, it's so, it's a rotten specific. Your insides are starting to rot. And I'm like, oh, that's, that's, that's what beef does to me. It's fucked up. It literally, it smells like a mixture of like chemical and rot. It smells rotten. Yeah. When you take a shit and it's green and you're like, I haven't had a vegetable in two weeks. How did this happen?

it's like just fucking it looks like those shits babies take yeah where it's just green goo by the way when you when you you know I've been like

For years, steakhouse is just like, well, what's the biggest, fattiest thing on the menu? Always? And you find out that you're supposed to have six ounces of beef. Oh, dude, I know. And you're like, oh, really? Yeah. What have you been having? I'm like, I don't know, 22 ounces? Whatever the most fucked up thing is. And they have those steakhouses that are like, this is for two. This is a 64. And you're like, oh, shit. We'll see about that. Yeah. It's for two. It's for me and a woman. Oh.

What do you think the ratio is on that? I'm like, hey, babe, want to split this? This place, by the way, I know because you live in New York. You have great... But this town has great steak houses. Every time I come, I try and have one steak. Yeah, you should try the... Because there's so many good spots here. Yeah, I really should. The last time...

I think I came here when there was some kind of fucking dickhead like tech conference. And so it was like, no, all the good ones were like taken up by guys who probably were going to just eat fucking greens anyway. That's the thing that pissed me off. It was like a bunch of guys from San Francisco took all the fucking steak houses. Like, let me get in there. They're not going to enjoy this. And I went to... But I still had a great meal. I was like, what's available? And then I saw Vince Young's Steakhouse. I was like...

Vince is my guy. Vince is a good guy. He's the fucking man. He's the man. Let's go. Had a great steak. Delicious. The apps were incredible. Did take... That was when I was like...

That was the third in a row, one of those shits that I took, the 3 a.m. overheated, like, you know, like begging God for forgiveness while I'm shitting. All my clothes are off. I have to lay my fat stomach on the cold tub to just chill out for a second. And then I was like, Vince wouldn't do this to me. This is a me problem. That's what it is.

This is not on the fucking Vince. A Heisman winner would never treat me like this. Never treat you like that. No. Well, I'll make you a list of places to try here. Please. Oh, wait. Did Reggie Bush win that year? I don't remember. Was that the same year? Same year? That was a great year of college football, but I don't... Because Reggie obviously won one. Let's do some fucking producing in here, you motherfuckers. 05. Yeah, he did. Sorry. Sorry. I'm used to yelling at my Albanian eldest.

Wow. And so he was the runner-up the year that Reggie won. I think so. I think so. Yeah. That was a fucking great year of college football, man. Oh, my God. That was fucking incredible. I think people, right, even now sometimes...

kind of overlook how fucking crazy Reggie Bush was. Insane. And fucked Kim Kardashian when that was still new and cool to do. One of the fresh ones in there. And it was like, whoa. He's a first rounder multiple times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that was right after Ray J, which barely counts. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I think Reggie was her first foray into like celebrity black dick. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And then it was only upwards and onwards from there. Oh, yeah. She was a rocket ship. Big time blacks after that. Big time. She was climbing the giant, the totem pole. Yeah. And got to Kanye and then, you know, turned his brain to mush, unfortunately. Fucking, that pussy must be crazy. Oh, my God. I wonder about that.

I wonder if it's like pussy plus psychological torture. Cause there's some, they're geniuses, but they're evil. The Kardashians. There's no way around it. Chris J. I mean, you know, I don't know what happened. I mean, Kanye was already an unstable person, obviously. He's like, and sometimes I do feel like that level of talent is,

has to come with an off brain. Like a brain shouldn't be that good at music. And so something, something's off. - 'Cause like his production is wacky. I mean, wacky in that like, you're not supposed to, your brain's not supposed to be able to cook all that up. It's insane.

And that has to come at a price. You're hearing those sounds in your head? Yeah. You're hearing other shit in your head too, man. And have you heard him describe how he views music or how he listens to music? It's like he sees it. He sees songs. He's talked about it where it's like different things are like, it's a visual representation in his head and it's like fascinating. But I'm like, yeah, dude.

Yeah. You're up against some, you know, weaponized Armenian pussy. Yeah. That brain has no chance. That brain has no chance. Like, the Kardashians really are like, that's an American success story, much like the original Segura. Yeah, exactly. You know, it's like... Those Kardashians have smashed some dudes' brains in with those pussies. Like...

Guys have just melted down. Yeah. It must be awesome. Yeah, I mean, it's funny when you think of...

She was... Because the whole Chris Humphries, where she just kind of married a guy because... Because it was like a TV special. And she... I remember, because I'm a huge Hoops guy, and there was a list of guys she was considering, like it was filling The Daily Show or whatever, where she was like, had to play in a major market, preferably New York, and it was like...

They literally tried to go after Danilo Gallinari, and he was just like, wait, what the fuck is this? You're trying to marry me? Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's something I read on the internet seven years ago. I don't know if this is true or not, but I remember them...

You know, he wasn't obviously like a superstar. No, he was not. He was just like a journeyman. Yeah, but I remember him... He bought her a ring. Yeah. This is like a substantial sum of money for this guy. For sure. He's like, yeah, but I'm doing this. And then she's like, I don't want to be married to you. Yeah, I think she was just like, we need... I think it was literally like a production meeting for that season of The Kardashians. It's like...

Kim's story is kind of light. Yeah. Like, can we get a marriage in here? Can we get married? Athlete marriage? NBA player or something like that? Yeah, yeah. 6'10"? Yeah, yeah. Tall guy. Tall guy. But shout out to Chris Humphries. Yeah. He had no business in there. No. You know what I mean? He got in there. He got in there. Yeah. Salute to him. Good for you, man. Good for you, brother. And he played in the league after that, you know.

You know, good guy. It's a good story. Good story. That's a fun little piece of... That's a fun little story to bring out for the rest of your life. I was... Because there's a lot of people who, let's be fair, meet that guy. Or you shame marriages. But I'm saying that meet that guy and they're like, I don't know who this is. Of course. You know, like... Totally. They don't recognize him. Totally, totally. Some of them, like, you know, if you're deep...

You go like, oh, but like everyone outside of that is going to be like, you're tall. What's up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they'll ask him because he's tall, did you play basketball? He'll get that. And he's like, no, I didn't play basketball. You want to hear some wild shit? But because I was signed to the Brooklyn Nets when Kim Kardashian was looking for some 6'8 and over cock, I was married to her for however long it was. 12 days. Yeah.

And yeah, I smashed. It was pretty great. That's cool. That's a nice little benefit. That is a cool story for that guy. I'd love to be in a sham Hollywood marriage. Dude, let's set you up. Who should we get you...

I'm open, dude. Yeah? Who would pair nice with a big fat party animal? Yeah. You know who I'd be great for is somebody who's doing a wellness thing, and she turns my life around. Oh. Turns me from Chris Pratt, makes me Christian. That can happen, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That top shelf stuff. Puts me in some kind of cult, and I'm like, I just...

It's incredible. I can't believe how I was living before. You get that out of this world puss, you'll start changing your life. Dude, yeah. Something like not Scientology, that's a little passe at this point. Scientology adjacent. It seems like a cool Christian, like Justin Bieber's pastor. Yeah. Like a cool Christian type of guy. Like cool spiritual. It's not too... But ultimately, when you do the math, it's Christian. Although, you know what would be fun? They dress it up, yeah. Muslim, Islam. Let's get in there.

No one's really done it. No one's really done it. Now you're talking. Now we're talking, bro. Now we got a pitch. Who do we got? The Hadid, the Bella and Gigi Hadid. But I feel like, yeah, they're the only ones I can think of. Are they Muslim? Yeah. Palestinian. Oh, they are? Yeah. So yeah, just something like, look, we don't have to do it now. We don't have to solve it now. Right. But I also like... What is... By the way, what's the top shelf Muslim puss out right now? Google that. Yeah. Mia Khalifa. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Who's this? I mean, I've never heard of Sophia. Sophia Boutella. Yeah, but she's... These look like... Are these pornography? That's definitely... Anissa Kate. That's porn. Algeria, that's cool. There's Gigi, like you said. Yep. Gol Shafete Farhani.

Isabella Gianni. I don't know. Layla Beccitti. This is awesome podcasting because it's just looking at girls I might want to fuck. Yeah. Let's get my agent on the phone, on the horn. Well, look, man. I mean, I could do this for a while. I mean, here's the thing. Just looking at chicks I'd like to fuck potentially. Yeah.

There's a lot of beautiful women on this list. There's a lot. I don't know hardly any of them, though. Right. And that's what the real work is on this pitch. Right, right. Is that it can't just be a beautiful Muslim woman. Right. She's got to be known. Well, it could be kind of like a let's buy low on both of us. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sure. And let's kind of...

get something. And then maybe like, I cheat with somebody famous and it kind of brings up both our Q ratings. There you go. You know, it's like, Oh, she had him, you know, I'm, I gain, I lose a bunch of, I'd have to lose a bunch of weight and I have to gain it all back and have a relapse and fuck like, you know, Doja Cat or something. And then she would be like, I can't believe he betrayed me. And she would get like the big, you know, the Jennifer Aniston bump after Angelina and Brad Pitt happened where she was like,

You know, and then I would be such a piece of shit. But then that would be good for my stand up because now everybody's waiting for my. Your story. After he fucked up. He's a fat again. Yeah. I mean, this is perfect. Dude, you just laid it out. The Illuminati, if you're listening, I've been trying. I've been trying to get in. The plan is in place. We just need help executing. We just need. I laid it all out. Yeah.

Somebody reach out to a fucking pretty Muslim woman. I love to suck on a nice tan nipple. Oh, yeah. Have you hooked up with Greek girls? Not that. Not really. Only one, actually. Weirdly. Was it in Greece or here? Here. Yeah. But I'd love... I mean, the older I get, the more I'm like, damn, it matters. I kind of want...

Because it's like, you know, I'm 34 and my whole life has just been trying to get successful in comedy. And it's like, you know, I've done... If I don't get any more successful in this, I'm happy, bro. This is fucking sick. You have a great life. Like, this life rules. I'm solid. I don't want to, like... So now I'm like, well, then maybe I should, like, be a human being instead of... Because you see people that just, like, really want to just... Just chase the thing. And that's crazy. Like, I just... I don't want to do... I want a soul, right? You have a good instinct, yeah. I feel like it's drained a lot out of me. Like, you know, just...

The last couple of years have been awesome. I've done a lot of cool shit, but I'm like, let me just be a human being. And now that I'm like, I think I should try being in a serious relationship, whatever. Part of me is like, I guess. And I have friends that I'm at the age where friends are having kids and getting married finally. Yeah. This is the age. And so I'm like, damn, I think it would be, I, it would be cool if, if we shared some cult, like I kind of would like it to hurt some cultural overlap. The dream would be like,

maybe half Greek, maybe, or even like even cooler would be like an, like immigrants to Greece. Yeah. So somebody who's like Asian or African that speaks fluent Greek. Oh yeah. But then like, so we share just enough overlap, but I don't, I'm trying to get, I don't want to bring another white person into this world. I think you're great. I think I want to, let's get it.

That's enough of us already. Such a good instinct. I think the plan should be we hook up with this Muslim chick. Yes. Yeah, right, right, right. And then you go, I'm going to visit family. You go back to Greece. Now we're talking. You hook up. A village bitch. And she's like, she gets mad at you. And then...

You are like, this is who I'm meant to be. I'm sorry. So the love of your life really is the Greek girl. It is a little, it is a little like kind of stick with your own. You know what I mean? That's my one issue. So if she could be a foreign Greek, it would soften it. Because it feels a little like the message to take away is, look, we're going to try and... You've seen how prisons operate, right? You eat with your own kind. That's how you survive. Yeah.

Let's just say it's fair. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Not a lot of mixing it up on the inside. No, there isn't. You're right. You're right. But I would, you know, we're out over on the outside. So I think I would like to be a little more sexually progressive, but look, all of this is up for debate. Contact me and Tom. We'll get this figured out. Feel free to reach out to me. I will vet your pussy. You get 10% of the pussy. You're my pussy manager. I'll let them know who's worth reaching out to. Okay.

Don't forget to watch Fat Rascal. Fat Rascal. Out now on Netflix. Congratulations, bro. I'm very happy for you. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Thanks for having me. And thank you again for doing the bit for us, 69 Minutes. It's so funny. Go watch that, guys. It's going to be awesome. Go check it out. And we'll see you guys next time. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert.

One goes to the top of the swamp, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.