Starting A Cult w/ Stavros Halkias | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Tickets are available now for my November shows coming up. November 8th, I'll be in San Diego at the Pechanga Arena. November 9th, I'm in Phoenix at the Footprint Center. November 27th, I'm in Hollywood, Florida at the Seminole Hard Rock. And November 29th, I'm in Tallahassee, Florida at the Donald Will Tucker Civic Center. Get tickets at tomseguro.com slash tour. 100% up to you.

Hey guys, brand new Two Bears One Cave. Tom Segura is getting his levels checked for Ozempic and he is not here. You know, have you ever thought about Ozempic? I've thought about it. I've thought about getting zamped up. Yeah. Yeah, the more I... because I think... My guest. Hey, what's up? Stavi. Hello everyone. I think I've completed the Two Bears Grand Slam where I've been a guest bear both ways and I've been on with both of you. Well, you know what happened? You know what happened is me and you were supposed to do a birdcast today. Yes. And Tommy is like...

I guess, I don't know how a Zempik works for real. Oh, this is an OZempik issue? Oh yeah, for real. Oh yeah, it really is. He does joke ones about me and I just tell the truth. I just tell the fucking truth. And everyone goes, oh, it's a joke. No, it's not a joke. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's been on a Zempik for, the second it came out, he got on it. Really? And that's how he lost all the weight. Everyone's like, no, no, hard work. Really? Yeah.

It really was a hard work. Do you think he looked in the mirror one day and he's like, this is pissing you off. I can tell that he's the sexy one. I almost got on it. I almost got on it when he got on it before anyone was doing it. Yeah. And he was like, you just got to get on the stuff.

It really cuts your weight loss. I'm on metformin. I'm not saying that I'm not pervious. Metformin helps with your blood sugars. It's pre-diabetic medication. Metformin? Metformin, yeah. I don't know what it does. Smart. Smart. Don't look into the thing that's altering your body chemistry. But it's all right. You're super healthy every other way. Dude, dude. You don't do anything else that might fuck you up either. I just got my blood work back. How's it looking?

Love to hear that. Perfect. Love to hear that. To the point where she said, this is the healthiest you've ever been. Wow. And by the way, I've been partying up until like two weeks before I got my blood work. So it's not, biomarkers take like 110 days to change. So if you want to lower your, all your results, you got to quit everything for 110 days. Do you ever think that you might've been capable of something so much better than what you're doing and you're using your body to just not die from alcoholism? Every day. Every day. Do you?

Do you know what? I don't know what it would be. Last night. Yeah. I was sick. I was legit sick. And, uh, and I, I got sick in the morning. I worked out anyway. And I was like, I doing a podcast and Leanna started falling asleep. And then I was like, yo, I don't know if I can go to the premiere night, your premiere. Yep. Let's start a call. It's fucking, we're going to talk about that in a second. This is, this is the one time. And I've said this before. I said this with the machine and I'm, and I'm, and

I mean it. And I know I got a lot of negative backlash because it sounded self-serving when I said it. Well, it's not self-serving when I say it about you. You will be in movie theaters October 25th. That's right. October 25th, this goes into movie theaters. Let's start a cult. Yep. This and I'm,

I mean this from the bottom of my heart. When you support a project like this and you give it love in the movie theaters, it creates more opportunities for other comics to do stuff. Yeah, because places like Dark Horse, Dark Sky, Dark Sky go. Listen, we invested, I'm guessing, seven million dollars in this project. No, less than a million dollars.

Are you serious? Yeah. It is so funny. It's an incredibly shoestring. It's a super low budget comedy. We're going to talk about this ad nauseum because I do want... I know it sounds crazy, but like, here's the deal. You know... And look, a million dollars is a lot of money, but we shot... That's like...

We shot a movie with a ton of locations, a ton of actors over like four weeks. So to do that with a bit from, from less, like, I think it was like seven 50, something like that. Yeah, it was, it was crazy. It was so cool. And I just say this where there's going to be a link in our, in our bio or whatever, in our descriptions, um,

Go support this in movie theaters. Go support it in movie theaters. Buy a ticket. Stavi's going out with the whole group and they're doing like Q&As and they're going out to a bunch of cities. We're going to talk about all that. We're going to talk about all that. I want to get back to what we were talking about before. The medicine that's keeping you alive. Oh, yeah. So I felt sick yesterday and then I was like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take a nap and I haven't been drinking.

And then I took a nap and immediately I bounced back and I was like, nice, I feel good. I think I have superior genetics. I wouldn't phrase it that way. I think I've watered them down my whole life. Yes, yes, yes. And I've put myself at 50% and achieved 100%. Yeah. I can't imagine.

Yeah. What I would have looked like had I been the guy at 25 that said, fuck stops here. I'm going to start eating clean. Let me ask you this though, Bert. You know how, let's say, you know, take an egg, right? Yeah. You crack an egg and you put it in on the fucking sidewalk.

or you even you keep an egg in a fridge let's say right perfect conditions eventually it'll go bad you pickle that egg with booze and that egg can last forever you might have preserved your yourself in booze somehow dude i look you're like beef the beef jerky of guys i'm gonna tell you example i have a friend he's been he was aggressively fat his entire life sounds cool yeah uh

And then when he started trying to get healthy, he just started looking old. How much younger is Tommy than me? He's...

Tom looks like his 70 year old man. He looks like a 70 year old man. That's more salt and pepper though. But it's like, it's like aging. Like if you put me and Tom together, you think we're the same age. I'm like a generation older than him. Interesting. But I look so much better. It's wild. I think this, this is also another one of your great skills, completely overrating yourself. I don't know.

I don't know that you look that much better, Bert. You're jacked. I'll give you that. You're stronger. I'll tell you what my great skills are. I am amazing. I'm amazing at recognizing talent. I'm hardcore amazing. You are, yep. I really am. And I'm not even fucking around. I said to Leanne, I'm embarrassed. The tour's great. I mean, everybody on Fully Loaded is awesome. Think of all the... I mean, I'm not going to toot my own horn, but I will say that...

That I met you probably 10 years ago. Yeah. And fell in love with you immediately. Immediately. Thank you, bro. And I said to Leanne, I'm embarrassed of the statement because it's, so like it's, she goes, what? I said, we watched the movie yesterday. We went into the screening. It is.

So funny. You are so fucking funny. But more importantly, you produced this. You wrote it. You co-wrote it with my buddies. Yeah. Ben Kittnick and Wes Haney, who Wes is amazing. Funny. So funny. But you filled it with such amazing talent. Yeah. Eric Rahill. So funny. Is that the dude who paid the Puka guy? Yes. He's so fucking funny. He's in the new office. He's a cast member. He's right. He's part. He's a part of the writing staff. But Eric is fucking hilarious. Katie Fuller is hilarious. Katie's amazing. Daniel Simonson. Daniel Simonson shows up.

For anyone who's on Fully Loved Last Year two years ago, Daniel Simonson shows up and delivers what I could only say is competitive to Coffees for Closers monologue. Yeah.

Am I right? Yeah, he has a great moment in the film. But the one thing, I was driving home with Leanne and I was like, I said it, and I don't know if it's because I'm getting older or whatever, so I'm so proud of Stavi. She goes, there's no reason for you to have pride in that. There's no reason for you to be proud. I said, well, no, but I feel like I met him when he was younger. I met him with a shaved head, no tooth. And then you legit...

a movie. You carry a movie. You're in 80% of the scenes, if not 95 of them. Yeah, there's a lot. You carry the fucking movie from the opening, from the fucking... This movie's so good. Within the first seven seconds, you are laughing out loud. Within the first 30 seconds, you're like, I'm taking my coat off. I'm in.

Like legit. And it got huge laughs in the screen. Let's talk about the movie right now. Let's talk about the movie. So do me a favor on the Wi-Fi. Will you pull up all the places you're taking this movie? Yes. So right now we have some special screenings in New York.

We're doing on opening night on the 25th, and then we're also adding Saturday. We have a Tuesday screening in New York, and we have one in Baltimore as well Thursday. But then, yeah, we're trying to take it more places. A lot of AMCs are showing, and we're trying to get some Regals to show it. So it is super indie, right? And Dark Sky, to their credit, they're a small production company, but they gave us –

pretty much as much money as they could. Like the budget kept going up and they were like, look, we cannot do any more than this. So just like do what you can. And we're showing it. And I think right now, 20 cities, hopefully that's going to be a few more. And yeah, I just think it's important. I loved, I mean, I think we're similar guys where, you know, I grew up on comedies. I'm watching them.

And I love the like super confident idiot, right? The best character that exists in like from Adam Sandler to... It's kind of like Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell to... Bill Murray. Yeah, Bill Murray, you know, all that stuff. Bill Murray joined the army in stripes thinking this is a no-brainer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the confident idiot is my favorite. It's so fun. And there's so many different, you know, people...

pieces to that, right? Danny McBride, I mean, Eastbound and Down, my favorite show ever. And I think I want to do a version of that. That's what I've loved growing up. And I loved watching those movies on DVD when I was a kid. And then, but I remember even seeing Anchorman in a theater and like seeing, you know, all the Apatow movies, all the Seth Rogen movies in theaters. And like, there's, they don't make

You just don't make like and it's 90 minutes, right? It's 89 minutes because that's the other thing. Fucking brief. It's about the last night. You said you said an 89 minute comedy is fucking perfect. Great. Dirty work was 82 minutes. You know what I mean? And it's like that's one of my favorite comedies of all time. And yeah, dude, it was like we had a weird opportunity to make like what I want to do is just make the shit that I loved growing up. And so.

Dark Sky kind of approached us about making us... We made a short version of this. And we just... They let us write the script. They let us do whatever the fuck we wanted. Were they involved with the short? No. Okay, so you made the short. You, Wes, and Ben is the director, right? You guys made the short. And you improvised the short. Short was completely improvised. And then this was kind of the exact opposite where we had to really write it because...

what we were going with the money we had, we couldn't fuck around, unfortunately. And that sucks because, dude,

Eric Rayhill, Katie Fullen. These people are so funny fucking around. Bobby Kelly plays my dad in it. Bobby Kelly. You know what I mean? Bobby Kelly. He was so funny. He did so much stuff. What's his name? He plays your brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ethan Suplee. Ethan Suplee, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we had great actors and really funny people, but it was great, man. And basically, we had a lot of stuff we had to cut because I think there's something so fun about a movie that, honestly, we cut plot stuff out because we were like, this is boring, but...

It's not funny enough to be in this movie. We'll figure it out. We'll paper over it with a fucking voiceover. Who gives a fuck? This scene wasn't funny enough. What was the plot thing? I mean, I don't... Just like establishing certain... Like me and... A conversation me and Wes had in a hotel room that had some jokes, but it just wasn't... Like this is a movie fully... The point is it's a movie fully made with jokes, permanent shenanigans,

short you're in and out you're just having a good time you're not gonna fucking waste an entire evening you could throw this movie on and just fucking laugh for a half hour pause it come back and like you know great cast funny people it was it was honestly a dream and yeah dude I just I want that's what the one thing I really love doing is just working on stuff with funny people doing tires this was

This was right before Tires, but it's like I shot this and then we shot season one of Tires and like season two of Tires is so fun. Everybody's so fucking funny. And that those two experiences really were like,

dude, let's just make something fucking funny and stupid. And, you know, there's plenty of nudity. Most of it is male, unfortunately. But next time we're getting titties in the movies. That's another problem I have. You could always count on a nice titty break about 17 minutes into an 80s comedy. We got to bring those back. This show is sponsored by Policy Genius. Protect your family future and your peace of mind with Policy Genius. Policy Genius combines digital tools

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HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. We got to bring titties back into movies. My biggest regret with the machine is there is a moment where we're all in this jet and we all wake up after everyone's been doing coke. Yeah. And in the moment, in Serbia, I went, we should have someone show their tits. Yeah.

And my producer, Kale, was like, yeah, the way the industry works now, we don't just start asking today. I don't know. You could have figured it out. In Serbia. I've got another $100 bucks we could have gotten kids in there. Yeah, yeah. I've seen some interesting films from Serbia. I've seen...

I've seen what women will do for a ride to the town center. I think you could have gotten some tits in the machine. Dude, it was Mark Hamill sucking on some titties. We,

We had a, I'll tell you who it is off camera. And I know this is the part, this is the reason I'm not the first guy on everyone's call sheet these days. It's because I love telling the secrets. We had a huge celebrity who wanted to be the dad in that movie who was like, I feel like there should be a sex scene between me and the mafia gangster. Yeah.

We were all like, that's like an awesome. He's like a main character. Not like it would be funny if the dad had a sex scene. Like, no, I should fuck the actress. Yeah. And we were, everyone was like on a zoom, like cool. Yeah. I guess we won't have. Yeah.

That's awesome. I know, right? And completely makes sense. And completely. Just bleep his name out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just bleep his name out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bleep Bert's mouth too. People will be able to put it together. The... It was so fun and you sold it so well. You got up there and you're like... You know, and I was watching everything from 3,000 feet up because it was like... I've been to a lot of premieres lately because the girls aren't home and Leigh-Anne and I are like, let's go see a movie. Sure. And there is a...

to presenting your project, which I'm sure I was probably guilty of too. You walked up, tracksuit, by the way, I had the same tracksuit. Yes, I saw it hanging. I was like, did I leave it here? No, Leanne goes, baby, he's wearing our track. I bought matching tracksuits for me and her.

But you walked up and you're in a fucking sick-ass tracksuit and you walked up and you went, I haven't seen this movie in a while. I hope you like stupid comedies. That's what it is. And you just walked off stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then everyone's like, what are we in for? Within seven seconds, everyone's laughing. And there is a communal feeling when everyone's in the movie theater where you laugh hard. It's so fun to laugh at strangers. That's the point, dude. That's the fun. And that's why...

it doesn't really make sense to put it in theaters. Like my fan base is all on the internet. You know what I mean? Like, but I just re and it's a risk and I'm, and I, and we're going, you know, town to town, we're doing Chicago, Baltimore, New York. And if places will put us in theaters and I'm off of tires, I'll go, I'll show up to a screening just because I just believe in, I just want people to go to theaters and see, cause people have been, we've been very lucky. People have been paying to see us do standup and that's awesome. And that's cool. And that's communal, but like,

why not a fucking comedy movie again? Like why that's so, I'm just trying to like, and that's why I was also super low budget. You know what I mean? Like, well, it's, you have a, you have a real small threshold to break to make this profitable for your, for your, for your buyer, for the people making it for you, which I think is brilliant. And I think, and I gotta be honest with you. I think,

I really see this. I see this movie easily, and I'm not even joking around. With a limited run, I see you making a wild profit on this and just making that the business model and go, all right, let's make another one for like $4 million. Yeah, that's the thing. The only thing I want to do is like, because it was kind of a little...

It was tough because we were working like long ass days and like it was pretty grueling. We shot in 17 days? We shot in 17 days and these are like, you know, 12 hour days but we also wrote and executive produced it so like every night we're going over, you know, which scenes we're doing, we're going over all the, you know, we're talking the cinematography so they were like 16, 17 hour days and then I would just get

get high as shit, need Taco Bell until I passed out every night. Like it was. When did you shoot this? This was right after I shot my special last. This was last June. Wow. So I shot my special May and then a week later we shot the movie and then it was a crazy, it was a crazy year. But all I want is to just make it a little more because if we had like one more week, this would have been the best.

month of my life but it was a really tough three weeks but who gives a fuck I'm not crying about it it's just like it's fun something came out of it and yeah I just want a little bit more money so that I can also cast all you know pay all your friends what they should like you know make a and it wasn't it honestly is a labor of love in that

Stand-up last summer, dude, we were fucking... I don't know what the fuck happened in the economy where stand-up comedy was the only profitable business for like a year. But like, I just didn't go on the road because I... And I was just like, I just need to make this movie right now. Because these shit, you know, you never know when someone will let you make a movie. When you get the chance, you got to take it. I would...

I think you're in a sweet spot. You're in what we call the proverbial catbird seat. Hell yeah. Because you're making things that you think are funny, which dials right into your fan base. I kept saying, you know, one time I was with a comic who said... I'll say his name. It's a weird statement, but I've been overusing it. Okay. I want to give him credit. Okay. Hasan Minhaj. Yes. And we were...

We were at the Tom Brady roast and I was in a tux and I was very uncomfortable. And he said, you don't look like you're enjoying your outfit. And I said, I'm miserable right now. Yeah, yeah. And he was in a fucking crazy dope suit. Yeah. He pulled it together. He dresses very well. And he goes, buddy, this is my fastball.

Yeah, yeah. And the idea that this is my... It's a really brilliant statement because I love fastballs. I can never hit a curve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't. And your whole movie was your fastball. It was everything I love about you. And it was everything. It was everything. I mean, it was like...

From your silliness to your seriousness to your heartfeltness, like your character was fully developed in like, in that everyone that was working on it knew what were your fastballs were. Yeah, I think, I think, and that's, you get to, you know, we wrote it ourselves and I, I'm not a fucking actor. I mean, to the point where like, no, I'm not even fucking around. I was like,

Dude, they milked this cow from ass to hoof. There was like, there's a part of the movie that is all I felt was an homage to your calendar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is. It was so fucking great. There were things I definitely wanted to do, you know, without, you know, without spoiling, but there's some very fun. Yeah, probably the biggest laugh of the movie is, was one of my favorite things to do. Hold on. There's, there's, there are, there are,

I'm going to say like within the first, I've never had, I've never seen a movie that opened this funny, this fast. And I'm being serious when I say that even happy Gilmore, it's like he builds into it. Yeah. Like happy Gilmore is pretty funny when he just starts fighting everyone. He's like, I disagree for the record, but I appreciate it. That opened fucking hysterical, like a movie that opened and you go,

I mean, I can tell you the best trailer I ever saw, without a doubt, was fucking Austin Powers. Yeah. Austin Powers does open really strong. It opens really strong. It has that prologue and then it has the like... Or it has, I think, the credits. It's just like him coming out and everybody fucking loves him. That's a great... That's a contender for sure. Yeah, I'm trying to remember how... I just...

You know what's fun to do, Matt? Like your top four. If we did letterboxd comedies, that would be really fun. What do you mean? Have you ever seen that letterboxd thing where it's like your favorite four? And they go and ask like filmmakers and whatever, like their top four. Anyway, it's essentially your Mount Rushmore of comedies. And that's a fun – because I don't know what's opened –

The strongest, I can't off the top of my head think of it, but like, you know, for me, it's definitely like... Type in most profitable comedies. Billy Madison, I was a slow take too. I mean, see, I think I was also the right age. Like I was discovering...

Like I was a big... As a little kid, I was a big Sandler on SNL fan. And then getting that on... Maybe it was even VHS. It was definitely VHS. And you know what's funny? One thing... A comedy that legitimately I loved and I watched maybe as much as anything was Night at the Roxbury. Because I was a huge Will Ferrell on SNL fan. And I loved that sketch. And I watched it recently. I think it holds up, personally. I think it fucking rules. Can I also tell you one that is a sleeper that I still think to this day is one that I quote...

all the time. Yeah, yeah. Corky Romano. Corky Romano. Yeah, yeah. You guys want some cookies? And that scene where Chris Penn can't read and he's ordering ice cream. Like, that is so fucking funny. And it says, like, ice cream flavors, chocolate, but it only is, like, pistachio. And they're like...

And he just keeps saying shit. He's great in it. Yeah, that's a very funny one. There's a line when Corky Romano does coke and he goes, this is going to be, we should buy a boat. We should buy a boat. I say that all the time. I say that. We should buy a boat. Corky Romano's good, dude. Corky Romano's good. But doesn't make, doesn't crack my top four. These are the most profitable fucking movies? No, I don't think so. That can't be right. I don't think that's possible. That's absolutely not right. There's no way. But these are some bangers. I mean, for me,

For me, it's probably... Billy Madison was definitely one for me. I mean, Superbad. Okay. Step Brothers. Okay, hold on. Yes. Okay. Hold on. Let's slow this down. Sure. So Billy Madison, better than Happy Gilmore? For me, yeah. Okay. For me, yes. I think it's stupider, which I like. Yeah. It's so absurd and there's so much like...

And one thing I'm really excited about is like, because we had some moments where I think the Kickstarter cult gets kind of more unhinged the more it goes on. I said it to Pete today. There are two things in this movie that are subtle things that I don't think anyone's going to pick up on that I'm not even going to say. I'll say, and you can bleep it out, but where I made me laugh out loud, the two things, the two things are the fucking...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just just cut to him. Don't show me that. I love that. We love that. And then cut him again. This is the other one. When when the guy comes out and takes the. That was that's one of our favorite jokes. Yeah, fucking that's the that killed me. I've been thinking about it all day. Yeah, I've been thinking about it all day.

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And that's what's cool about having, I mean, everyone that when we, like, we had nothing but funny people. Like, our main cast was all super gifted improvisers or stand-ups. It was me and Daniel. And then it was like Wes, Eric, and Katie are all incredible improvisers. So even though we couldn't really improvise the scenes that much, there were little moments like that that we were like, this would be really funny if we did that. And you know what's so funny? But yeah, for me, that's why Billy Madison, they have so many moments that are,

the penguin, the, the dance sequence, where that music comes in and just so much, you know,

you know, so many fucking Jim Downey's speech, you know, may God have mercy on you. We're so over the top at the end. That's one of the worst stanchions I've ever heard. And may God, everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. And may God have mercy on your soul. A simple no would have been, you know, like anyway. So for me, that's why it's more absurdist. Happy Gilmore, still crazy, still has like Sandler's weird. But yes,

Absolutely, I'd take Billy Madison. I'm going to find out the answer right now. Hold on. About what? Hey, everyone. I am here with Stavi, and he has a new movie, Let's Start a Cult. Let's Start a Cult. It's going to be out October 25th in theaters. You have to go see it. Here's the question we're asking. What's a better movie? Happy Madison? No, no. Billy Madison. Billy Madison or Happy Gilmore? Yep. Billy Madison or Happy Gilmore? Let's see what the poll says. Billy Madison Hive. Billy Madison Hive. Check in.

Billy Madison Hive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Beehive. We saw, so I'm a little bit older than you, and we saw Happy Gilmore in theaters. And then we came back, and there Billy Madison was on VHS. And we watched it the first time, and it's so disconnected from reality that we had a hard time connecting. And it wasn't until I smoked weed with one chick that I dated over the summer, and she started quoting Billy Madison, that I got the brilliance of it. I mean, Norm is so funny in it, too. Norm is fucking brilliant.

That moment where they're like, coming up next, a story about a disgraced millionaire son who's cheating his way through high school. And Norm's like, now, hold on. They could be talking about somebody else. It's so good, man. But yeah, I think I would go with Billy Madison, Superbad, Step Brothers. Step Brothers is...

It's awesome. And then I don't know what my four spot is. That's hard. There's so many. So I got, I remember seeing Ghostbusters in movie theaters. I remember seeing Stripes in movie theaters. Yeah. I remember, I mean, Fletch for me was the perfect comedy. Yeah. Because that, here's the problem. I love those. I mean, you know. Here's the problem with Fletch is that he's smarter than the room, which is a weird thing in comedy because it's like. Well, Fletch is also, they made a really, they just made one with,

John Hamm. John Hamm. And it was directed by the same director as Superbad, Greg Mottola, who's great. And it was a different take on Fletch. Like it was, I think Fletch was never supposed to be like that. It wasn't really supposed to be Chevy Chase. It was supposed to be like a little, I don't know, like a little drier. Yeah. And which was really good. But

I liked Fletch. You know, like, there's something a little generational because I like all those movies and there are parts I really enjoy. But there's also parts where some of those movies are slow for me. Like, when you talk about things building, and I think each generation gets a little faster and I'm sure kids younger than me are going to be like, you know,

I mean, they're already better editors and video and directors. It's crazy. And they get to the point fast. But some of those 70s movies, I love scenes of them. And the characters are great. And John Candy in Stripes is so fucking funny. John Candy might be...

I have such a tether to him because I heard Steve Martin. I was talking to someone about this the other day. I heard Steve Martin talk about it. Maybe the jerk. Maybe getting a Steve Martin movie in the top four. You're right. The jerk. Trains, planes, and automobiles. Uncle Buck. Uncle Buck. Yes. Trains, trains, and automobiles is so good. Uncle Buck.

Yeah. Is so fucking good. I really want, I know remakes are overdone. I would love to play Uncle Buck. Can I tell you? I would love, they should do, the way the Joker is the way every like actor proves they're like, every fat comedian should get to play Uncle Buck. That should be our Joker. You know what I mean? Like why does fucking everybody prove themselves on the Joker? You know they did it with Mike Epps. Oh yeah. They had Uncle Buck with Mike Epps. Not the same. Gotta be a fat guy in my opinion. Yeah. Gotta be a big fat slob. Gotta be white.

I don't know. It has to be white. It has to be white. Okay, this goes back to your... No, there's a family dynamics in a black household are different than in a white household. No, you can have a fuck-up uncle in a black family. No, but it's so much more makes sense to have that fuck-up uncle in a white family. Can you not imagine a black family with their shit together? Is that what the problem here is, Bert? You can't imagine a successful black family that has a fucking dumbass uncle? Because they exist.

No, black uncles are always around. They're like good. They show up. I'm not going to go too deep on this, but fucking...

I'm just saying that you could have a family that's well off and they have the black sheep. Like you could have a complete train wreck, black sheep. That's the generational part is I only, cause I had so many fuck up uncles. I had nine of them that I identified all my uncles right now are like, hold on. They were all fuck ups at one point that all moved to Florida and lived with us. So I got that so well. I was like, Oh yeah. Yeah.

An uncle just crashing out is so funny. A grown man needing to... Because he can't move back in with his parents because they're dead. So he has to fucking move in with his sibling. That's so fucking pathetic. Uncle Buck's one of the best. Uncle Buck's one of my favorite. I watched Uncle Buck when Leanne was giving birth to Georgia. She was like, she's going through contractions. And I was like, well, you're not going to watch. Can you keep it down?

John Candy is being very charming and you're fucking yelling in my ears. Here's a question I want to ask you. I just had, I don't know if it's aired or not, but it will air, is we had Judd Apatow on as a guest pair. And I know Judd's gotten some negative feedback online because of his politics. Yeah. And because of his... I think the slap was kind of hard. He said like he could have killed him.

about it like i thought he overdid it i mean a lot of people kind of got rock yeah he said he would have killed something like that i think people got a little like all right let's relax it was these are two these are two millionaires who's and will smith's brain has melted because of because of being famous since he was uh a child and he got so cucked that his brain turned to mush and it was actually an insane moment where he kind of

He was about to... People forget he was about to get his Oscar. He got an Oscar like 40 minutes later. And for... It was like a Greek tragedy. So it was like... There was so much more going on, I thought, than an overreaction. But Judd is the man. I mean, those movies are... He... I mean, oh, 40-Year-Old Virgin, which he produced. Pull up Judd Apatow's movies. It's almost like what's crazy, and I said this to Judd, is like anyone who ever gives him shit online, they should start with...

Before I start, hey, just thanks for my sense of humor. Yeah, oh, dude, forgetting Sarah. I mean, heavyweights. You want to talk about a movie I want to remake. I want to make heavyweights bad, dude. Dude. No, no, he. This is 40 fucking amazing. Trainwreck fucking amazing. Pineapple Express fucking amazing. Yeah. I mean, this, it's crazy when you look at his body of work.

And not just the movies, but what he was a writer on, who he collaborated with, the Larry Sanders show, all this stuff. Who he shepherded along the way and would be just cool with. When you think of all the kids, I said this to, I don't know who I said this to, but I said, for real, for real, luck or talent, do you think Seth Rogen is who he is today had he never met Judd?

Yeah. You think he would be still? I mean, I don't know who he is today. He wouldn't be. But that's so much of it. I mean, he's definitely an insane talent. He is an insane talent, but you need there's something. You need luck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. A lot of life is luck. And a lot of life is like I always say my luck was I know my luck. And it's I always try to quantify that sliding glass door moment.

Tom got invited to dinner with Charlie Murphy. Hell yeah. And Charlie Murphy was like 45 minutes late. And as Tom waited for Charlie Murphy and his group of friends, Rogan walked up to him and said, hey man, I'm Joe. And Tom's like, I'm Tom. Joe's like, you're really funny. We should hang out. And Tom's like, cool. That moment changed my life.

Because had I never met Joe, I wouldn't be here today. That's the truth. I think too many people think they're the fucking shit. You got to remember. You think Charlie Murphy's tardiness set off a series of events that led us to this table right here? To this vodka existing? I would argue Charlie Murphy is the reason we're all here today. Wow. Oh, fuck. Think about it.

Okay. Let's leave him a bouquet. Let's just sit. I love Chappelle. Chappelle's like one of my, a friend, but I say hero. And he knows that when I hang out with him, he knows how I feel about him.

Chappelle show was pretty great. Awesome. However, without the Charlie Murphy, Rick James sketch, does it become the juggernaut? It was that sketch was so it was fucking, it was like cultural. I mean, I was in high school when that came out and you could not, you heard I'm Rick James, bitch.

Constantly. Constantly. Constantly, yeah. He had to stop touring. I get it. Because they would yell, I'm Rick James, bitch. Yeah. And Chappelle's like, I do stand up. Yeah, yeah. Now, let's think about Charlie Murphy. Eddie Murphy's big brother. Wow. Eddie Murphy was just... Oh, Charlie Murphy. This is an incredible take. I know where you're going. Go ahead. Lay it out.

Eddie Murphy, notably, tough guy, learned how to box, but a soft dude. He's an artist. He does not exist in Brooklyn without Charlie Murphy as a big brother. You're absolutely right. We do not get Eddie Murphy. If we don't get Eddie Murphy, we don't get Chris Rock. If we don't get Chris Rock, we don't get all. Think about Farley, Sandler, Spade, all of Chris Rock's best friends. Without Charlie Murphy, we are not. I don't know. You're losing me with them. No, because think about this.

Dude, Chris Rock's a fucking legend. Spade, Farley, all those guys are amazing. Sandler, all those men. But Chris is the fucking thought guy. Chris Rock got discovered. They were all on SNL, though. They were all on SNL, but Rock. He kind of flopped on SNL, and he had to go do his own thing. Did he flop, or was he just not the guy that popped on scenes? Think about Chris Rock. He's had a prolific brain, right? Don't get me wrong. I think what Chris Rock has accomplished is so much better than SNL. I respect Chris Rock.

Chris Rock so much more. Don't get me wrong. I'm just saying he was the one who didn't, that was not his medium. He clearly needed to go be a standout. But he might've been, he might've been the guy in the room that gave them the idea. You know, sometimes you got the guy in the room, but Charlie Murphy is so pivotal. Listen, Charlie Murphy, just giving us Eddie Murphy and then the Tom meets Joe domino. Those are two big dominoes, man. Yeah. I mean, I start getting like,

I start going down rabbit holes because I do believe in time travel. Hardcore. Don't say that. Online trolls are going to be like, all right, got to go back in time and kill Charlie Murphy so I don't have to fucking hear about Bert. You said that? Some fucking nerd is working on the math right now. He's going to Brooklyn in the 80s with a sniper. He's setting up shop. Oh, God.

He's like, I've had enough of this guy that doesn't believe in sleep apnea, AIDS, alcoholism, and death. Oh, you don't believe in sleep apnea? I don't believe in sleep apnea. Wow. I don't. You ready? You ready? Okay. This is where I become. Either you love me or you go, I've had enough of him forever. Yes, yes, yes.

I went to Dennis or quacks. I don't believe in Dennis. Okay. I love this. Great takes. Dennis. I did see two gold teeth in your mouth. I have four. Who did that? Dennis. Here's the reason you can have a sandwich right now without excruciating pain. But all right, I'm willing to hear you out. We'll throw that aside.

There are some good ones. Yeah.

I just think what happens with dentistry is a guy goes to school for four years and thinks that they should have, if you go to school for four years and you get to wear white, then you go, I should be getting boats and like, I need the finer things in life. But you're just a dentist. You're just technically like cleaning teeth and then replacing a tooth, right? Every now and then. But they go, fuck that dude.

It's like when club comics go, I got to start working in theaters. And then they do theaters, but they get a shit deal because they're only doing one show. And they're like, well, fuck. I should have just stayed with clubs. So dentists always upsell you on stuff. They always go like, yo, you know what you need?

I'll tell you right now, I had a dentist tell me what we need to do is we need to break your jaw, pull all your teeth, replace your teeth, and then you'll, you'll be comfortable. Interesting. And I was like, what? I mean, this sounds like one bad guy. Oh, I've had a number. You know what you need? Uh,

I can't replace that tooth. And then you just go to, if you go to a non English speaking dentist, they can always do the work for you. Yeah. That's like a mechanic. Mechanics are always like there's, you get good mechanics and then you get bad mechanics. Sure. I think the same happened with sleep apnea. Okay. Sleep apnea was such a thing that was in the, in the ethos of,

Well, this is the fattest country in the history of time. So that's probably part of it. And so what they started doing was going like, yo, we can sell these like $2,000 machines and tell people they need them. Look, they'll buy them. I don't give a fuck if they use them. They're not going to die, but they'll buy them. Then they're going to realize I can't do this every night. And

everyone's got a sleep apnea machine. I have three sleep apnea machines. I've never used a sleep apnea machine. Yeah, that's three of them. You should do that. What? You should use them. No, I can't. They're fucking bullshit. They're not bullshit. Do you have a sleep apnea machine? I do. You fucking cunt. It literally changed my life. Oh, hold on. I swear to God. I have sleep apnea. I'm fat as shit. I was getting horrible sleep. I was waking up with headaches. I put the fucking thing on. I sleep with it. If I don't, if I forget it, it ruins my day. Okay. Have you ever passed out and had a good night's sleep without it?

Not really. Really? I mean, if I'm so fucked up, I pass out and I'm kind of groggy. Sure. But that's the drugs. That's edibles. Yeah. But no, it always. I mean, these are just. Do you travel with it? I do. I have a travel seat. Do you pull it out on a plane if it's a long night? I have done that before. For real? Yeah. Joe Coy. So this is their outliers like you and Joe Coy. Yeah. We're the outliers. We're the outliers.

You're like, you got to have a dentist that doesn't even know English and sleep apnea is fake. If a dentist can read English, no good. Why is it that black men always agree with my theories and white guys always poke holes in them? I was with two fucking brothers the other day and they were like, yeah, fuck sleep apnea and fuck alcoholism. Well, you know, the black community is dealing with a lot of, they have a lot of health problems. I think they should not be going to you. There's hypertension is tough. I bet sleep apnea is a problem. Are you on statins?

No, it's that. That's the next one. That's the big one. What are you saying? Dentists go to school for eight years? Dentists go to school for eight years? Yeah, they're like real doctors and they're very... Dentists go to school for eight fucking years. I guess. So you're not... No one's getting a 25-year-old dentist.

Every dentist is like 30 years old. That's a great question. Wow, that's crazy. I guess maybe you could get a, if he really crushes it or she, 26-year-old, if he goes right out from 18. I'll tell you who I really trust is, what's the ones who just do root canals? I don't know. It's endodontist. Endodontist. Endodontist.

Endodontists just do root canals. They're fucking legit. Okay, so you have specific tooth-like doctors that you trust. Oh, nope. Crowns, veneers, I don't trust those guys. They always go, we can make it better. And you're like, yeah, but then you get like the guys from 1856, that Yellowstone remake where everyone's got perfect teeth. And you're like, what year was this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What year was this? Veneers, I gotcha. No, I'm with you. I think what you're describing is just that some people are better at their jobs than others.

And I don't think we can say that a whole industry is a fraud. I love when people poke holes in like, especially when you try to do a bit or you're like trying to like try to work something out. I'm sorry. And they go, you know, obviously I thought my favorite one, I forget who I told this to.

I was dropping George off to college. I almost want to read the fucking text. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm dropping George off to college. I posted a picture of me crying. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's tough. You got to stop doing that, man. No. You got to stop posting pictures of you crying. You could just save that for the family scrapbook. Nope. It's what I do. It's me. It's me.

It's me. It's 100% me. It doesn't have to be. It does. It 100% does. Today could be the first day of the rest of your life, Bert. You could be the guy who keeps that to himself. Did you unfollow me? No, no. Okay, then that's all I care about. I wouldn't unfollow you. You're my friend. I go unfollow me because I don't give a fuck. I wouldn't unfollow my friend if he relapsed on heroin, but I'd be like, buddy, this is bad for you. The, the, the...

I, uh, God damn it. What was I looking for this text? Um, how did they do? I'll tell you, you know why I posted it. How's college going? It's going great. Yeah. It's going great for both of them. George is in her third year. She's having a blast and Isla is really thriving. That's such a first freshman's first semester, right? Yeah. Wow. That's a fun time. It really is. Yeah. I got to tell you, like her texts are fun. Like her texts are, uh,

That is awesome. I mean, I do understand it is an emotionally charged time. Your last kid. Yeah, I loved the first semester of my freshman year. And then I got caught smoking weed and I had to move back home. And that was horrible. Oh, for real? Yeah. Different time. Your kids will be fine. Yeah. They found a... I'm not going to get into it.

Good. See? Yeah, yeah. See? Wait, is this the new part of Burt? This is new Burt. No oversharing? No oversharing. Look, we just did it. Oh, shut up. You just did it, buddy. You know, this would make my daughter so much happier. See? I mean, it's happening in action. We're watching with our eyes. You know what happened? The first time when I would drop Georgia off, I was crying, and I got a picture of me, and then she posted it on my Instagram. Yeah. And what happened is...

all my friends that were dropping their kids off hit me up. And they're like, dude, I'm going through the same thing. And so that's, and so when I dropped Isla off, I was like, you know, she posted one of me of Georgia when I dropped her off. I'm going to post one of me. We were on the plane and I was like, I'm going to post a picture. And I posted it. I don't do, I don't really care about like the,

Instagram, what people feel about it. Like, I don't really care. What was funny was all the people, all my friends that I grew up with. That's what I use Instagram for a lot is. No, you don't. All my friends. You're fucked. Now, this is lying. What? You use Instagram for your fucking career. Oh, yeah, you're right. You don't use it for your friends. No, but I still post pictures of my family. But it's.

It's your... You know what I mean? It's like a business thing. And I struggle with this too. But it's... When I first got on Instagram, it was just for friends and family. But that's over. We know that. I know, but I still post pictures like... Like I still have... I post pictures of like the last first day of school. Sure. I posted that. Then that's cute. Yeah. So if it's just a business account, then I should get rid of... I should scrub everything daughter-wise.

But it's also weird because my entire career is about my family. No, I get that. I get that. But I guess it's like... Because this is something I struggle with too, which is like how much of yourself do you put on these social... You're way better than I am. You know what I mean? You're way better than I am. But it's also... It happened...

to your credit, it did shift in the middle where it's like, it did start as kind of like a fun little photo sharing app. And it somehow, especially once Twitter kind of shit the bed, it kind of became the main social media platform that everybody uses. And it did kind of, you know, it just, it came, it just kind of like shifted out from under us. But I don't know. I just feel like,

Once it has become that and it is hard because you post stuff like that and it does get traction, but it's like for what? And I've even thought about that sometimes with my act where it's like,

There's stuff I'm working on right now for the next hour and I'm really excited about it. I'm not going to cut anything yet, but there's stuff that I'm like, is this too personal? Do I need to do this in a specific context? Do I have to do like a maybe as much as I've made fun of them in the past? Does this make more sense as like a one-man show type thing or is there some other – do I need to be milking this –

At a certain point, it's like people will repeat these people in your life do see this thing. And I've I've thought about that. It's like how how open and honest do I want to be? And then on the other hand, it's that's kind of what you're doing. That's kind of what the job is. But does it have to be that? Do you have to be that candid? And I'm speaking you as in like, you know, we can talk about me personally. I mean, do I have to be that candid? I've shared everything with I've shared everything with everyone.

Always. I mean, I've shared the most intimate details that... And we've had... I talked about Isla getting her period on one of my specials. You know, like... But for me, here's the thing. And I know there's people that... If you don't understand a little bit of it, you're never going to understand it with an explanation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like... And there's people right now going, no, no, I understand all of it and I don't even need the explanation. But the explanation is...

I think in comedy, I try to connect with people more than I want them to. I want, I want to connect. I want to, for sure. You're definitely like, I'm a storyteller. I don't, I'm not like a joke guy. I don't care to offend people. I don't, I'm like, my show is fucking a good time. Everybody's like, it feels like a legitimately friendly atmosphere. I think the, the, the audience is there having a good ass time. I'm not, uh,

I'm not like, uh, which I think is the point of comedy. You should be having a fucking sick time at every show you go to. When I watched Shane and for as long as ever, I've ever watched Shane Gillis. I, every time I go, I wonder how many dudes in that audience go. I could be friends with him. And by the way, you could,

Yeah. He's so fucking fun. He's the man. And he is who he is offstage and onstage. He definitely is. He's the same fucking guy. He'll just go drink at a... He's just the most fucking famous guy in Philly. And he'll just go to... I mean, the most famous guy almost every city he's in. And he'll just go to a fucking bar and just hang out. And he's the... Like, I tip my... And he's having a good time. Yeah. He's the man. But I think that I watched when I started comedy. And maybe this is one of those things, once again, generationally. I watched people put on... They were personas. They were an act. Mm-hmm.

And it always rubbed me wrong. Yeah. If you were some guy on stage and then you got off and you're like, hey, man, please don't touch me or talk to me. I was like, wait, what happened to the fun guy? I'm with you. And so I never got that. So I've taken, I've separated church and state and entirely. I've just, I've turned it into one fucking org where I go everything you get, whether it's on Instagram, whether it's on stage, whether it's on a podcast, everything is fun.

Fucking 100%. I'm going to give you all of it. And if it rubs you the wrong way...

What's crazy is like, well, I'll use Norman because I love him. But Mark Norman makes a joke that offends people. And people go, unfollowed, not funny. I have someone in my family that has that. That's the same as me posting a crying picture. And people go, unfollowed, unfunny. I don't need to see this. And I go, cool. Then that's my, you know, like, because I don't know another way to do it. So I just go, eh.

And the joke I was going to tell you is... Please, yeah. ...that I think is so fucking funny is I post that picture and what happened is the day I posted it, my texts from everyone... So you got to realize...

my age we're all dropping our kids off at college we're all dealing with this exact same thing at the exact same time and it's one of life's heaviest things because have you seen that I don't want to make you fucking start crying now but have you seen the statistic about I don't cry anymore oh let's see have you seen the statistic about you spent by the time like your kid's 18 you spent like 90% of the time you're going to spend with them yeah that's fucked up dude it's

So I get it. Yeah. And so I started getting texts from all my friends. And they'll contact... And now I'm just going to try and make you cry. And they'll talk to you less and... No, they'll talk to you better. Interesting. It's been better since they've gone. Actually, that's true. I have a... Because you get to actually relate to them as human beings. That feels nice. Where they don't have to just be a little kid anymore. They're like... Especially when they get into their 20s and you can just be friends. That seems like the cool part. Dude, it's the funnest. I mean, we're talking... It's been the funnest. Like...

Our texts are hilarious. Our Instagram, because we'll DM each other on Instagram. Anytime we find something funny, they're fucking wild. The jokes they make about Leigh-Anne now, privately, are hysterical. I said it to someone the other day, but Isla said to me, because I'm with Leigh-Anne a lot. It's just me and her. Time for, you know, you should open it up. You guys do an open marriage. Yes.

Get somebody else. You know what I mean? Just to talk to. We don't even need to have sex with you. We just want to split up the conversation. Just to bring in a new... Swing or Bert, let's go full... Look, who are we kidding, Bert? Every Florida man returns to his roots. Every Florida empty nester on fucking TRT, you're not doing it not to swing. Oh, man.

Oh, you can't do it, though, because you would just be it would be the old age old thing of like the the wife fucks way more than the husband. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I Leanne and it would be a woman and we're not bringing a dude in. Yeah. I'm not a fool. It's a woman. And but Leanne would just Leanne would fucking get her against me. She'd be like, and then all of a sudden I have two women saying, you're a mess. Yeah. Yeah.

Two women not sleeping in bed with me. Like you snore like a fucking monster. Yeah. We believe in it. Yeah. We're going to go get our teeth cleaned. Yeah.

Isla called me like a month after we dropped her off. And she goes, how's mom doing? I said, good. She goes, yeah. I said, yeah. She goes, you're getting all her words, huh? Oh, wow. But it was so funny that that's the way she saw it. She saw us all divvying up mom's words. Yes, that is hilarious. And she was like, and then she goes, that's how I felt when you were on the road.

I get all mom's words. And it was like so interesting, but I spent a lot of time with Leanne. Yeah. We're going to Vegas tonight. Wow. Nice. We're partying. We're having fun. Yeah. It seems like it. First time her liver enzymes are up. Thank God. Yeah. Her insulin's through the fucking roof. Yeah. Hell yeah. We're going to, uh, we're going to see the Eagles with, uh, Fluffy. Oh, sick. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Dude, Vegas.

Wait, wait, wait. Fluffy is opening for the Eagles? No, no. The Eagles are just right next to each other? Can I tell you what's cool about getting older? Please. I think you start valuing your time with people. I've had more people reach out to me now that I'm like, especially now the girls are out of the house and go, hey, would you like to... Would you like to...

uh go to the this bruce uh billy joel concert would you like to go to this would you go and fluffy hit us up i'm oh you mean you're going as friends it's crazy i may have to edit this out because i don't you know fluffy's a private guy sure but he just was like hey man we should you know hang out and i was like fuck yeah and the kids right of the house it's like let's do something and he just hit me up he's like would you like to see the eagles at the sphere i was like hell yeah dude

I got to be honest with you. The Sphere looks awesome for a concert. Dude, the Sphere is fucking insane. I'm going, I'm going, have you, do you, have you watched the show Drive to Survive? I haven't. Yeah. Do you follow F1 at all? Not really. Dude, I just got, I just got into the starting five. We're going to talk about basketball in a second. I love, I love basketball. It started with Drive to Survive and Drive to Survive is in Vegas for F1 and I am going to Vegas for F1. I am going to milk Vegas

Netflix for tickets. Yeah, hell yeah. Because I know Netflix can get me tickets. Absolutely. How great is it? How great is it? Because here's the deal. F1 is like, you can travel wherever you want. I think that's awesome. But the highlights are when they go to like Monaco. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you have that casino gambling pod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially Vegas. You can go. Have a great suite. Walk out of your fucking hotel. Walk across the street. Zoom, zoom, zoom.

Go in, have a drink, a little spritzer. Come back. Zoom, zoom, zoom. Gamble. The Knights. I'm telling you. I don't know what they're selling on Drive to Survive, but I bought it. Drive to Survive series, if you watch it, it's as good as Starting 5. It opens...

on a yacht in Italy on the ocean. And it's just the racers jumping off. People say it's good. Yeah, for sure. It feels like it swept. That show did a lot for F1 in America. But I just, I missed it for sure. Dude, they got, okay. I'm planning a party. They seem cool. I mean, those guys seem fucking awesome. I'm hitting up Ted.

I'm getting us tickets. Are you in? Where? When? Would you go? Vegas. Grand Prix's in Vegas. When's the Grand Prix in Vegas? I only know it's in Vegas because they did it last year and I wanted to go so bad. And then they're doing it again this year. It depends when it is. Vegas is like Hawaii. They always deliver. They make sure you have the best time of your life. When you're rich, yes. Even when you're not rich. Well, the point is to take your money. And if you have a lot of it, they'll treat you really nicely. Dude, I'm planning a mega trip to F1. Dude, if I'm fucking... What is it? If we're not shooting...

Oh, no. Of November? Yeah. 20, 30 November? I don't think so. I think I have to shoot tires. Oh, for real? Yeah. What if I call Shane and I go, Joe, bro, shut it down for a day. I would rather just finish doing my job.

I would rather. I mean, if I'm on the West Coast doing, because I might come back to promote the VOD. And if I'm on the West Coast and it lines up, I'll come. But if we're shooting. Dude, I'm planning a huge party. I'm trying to reach out to Seinfeld because I know he's a car guy. I want to get some car guys there that are into cars. Like, I'm trying to get Tommy to go. I talked to Judd about it. Judd was on the fence. I would like to get an eclectic group. Get in at Vegas. I mean. Jay Leno, what's he up to? Every year I do the Super Bowl. And last year the Super Bowl was Vegas. And what's beautiful about Vegas is. That broke my heart.

Oh, that's right. You're a Ravens guy. That was going to be the best week of my life if we won. The Super Bowl was on my 35th birthday, and I was at the game when we lost to the Chiefs. And it was like people were already like, hey, if they make it,

We want you to do this, this, and this. I would have... I lost a lot of money and my team lost. I think I reached out to you because I was doing the show. I was going to come to the show if the Ravens were there. Yeah. That's an opportunity. There was a bunch of shit, a bunch of advertising shit I was going to cash out and hopefully watch my team win. And instead, I went on a fucking bender for like two weeks. I kept getting fucked up. I was eating ice cream and smoking weed just every three hours. Like it was my medicine. Dude. We're good. We're good this year. Actually, we're playing...

We're playing each other. This Monday. I'm going to Nashville to do Bustin' with the Boys for Monday Night Football. That's awesome. Yeah. I'll hit you up about F1. Yeah, no, for real. If it happens. Because I'm planning on when I'm off-fire. Can someone reach out to Ted and just see if he can hook us up? Because they... Netflix is doing things so right with F1, with Live Golf, with...

How fun is starting five? It's awesome, dude. And if you're not, it's great. Like I, I love those guys and I've been, you know, I know about, I follow the season very closely. Um, but even for me, it's fun. But if you're not a big fan, that's so perfect. And like, how cool is fucking Anthony Edwards? I'm in love with the man. I'm in love with the man. I love Minneapolis. Uh, I love that team. They're so, they're so, he's so fucking fun. Um,

And so, yeah, it's so cool. I love Anthony Anderson for me. The scene when it's Thanksgiving and they're trying to get him to quit playing video games so they can eat dinner. He's a kid. That's the other thing. He's, I don't know, what is he, 23? I think he's 23, yeah. Yeah, now he's 20. But it's like he's a fucking kid. He's literally like so much closer to your daughter's age. Yeah.

He really is. Oh, no, he's like three years older than Georgia. Two years older. So wait, I'm going to get really into the NBA season. I love hoops, dude. I'm telling you, it was the thing that F1 did for me was the second I watched that, all of a sudden I had people to root for. Yes. So I knew what to watch. And I'm being serious with the NBA. Is the NBA, I think because age-wise, my hottest time in the NBA was...

the all-star game when Jordan did the dunk. Sure. Larry Bird hit the three-pointers like crazy. Magic didn't have hands yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that, I was so... I think he... No, he didn't. He didn't yet? I don't think he did. No, you're right. He came back at a different all-star game. Yeah. You're right. And I remember that so vividly. Dominique Wilkins. Yep. Spud Webb. Sure. Muggsy Bogues. All those... That was like my thing. Dude, starting five has gotten me so into basketball. Yeah. That like...

And now I'm a little invested in Bronny because I know I'm seeing Charles Barkley kind of shit on him. People are shitting on him. Yeah, I mean, I think it's... I like it because it's about time. Like, that's how... That's how... LeBron is so good at basketball. He has turned...

He just got a job. He signed a job on the Lakers. It's not making him the vice president of a division that nobody gives a fuck about. He's on the team. That's awesome. That's fucking crazy. That's how good he is in fucking basketball. And it makes me root. Like, it's hard to root for LeBron because he was so good. Like, when I watched him go to the Heat, I was like, I don't know. I kind of want to watch the perfect thing not work. I want to see the underdog beat the fucking Goliath. Sure, I get that. I get that.

And now I see Bronny and I go... I don't know that he's quite an underdog. Bronny? Yeah. I don't think so. He's... It's, I mean, nepotism. You can't really be an underdog if you're... If you're benefited off nepotism. But he gets on the court. He's a millionaire no matter what happens. His life has been awesome from the moment... He's, you know, like, he's...

I guess in pure basketball terms, he's an underdog. But in life, he's one of the least underdogs possible. He's a rich kid. It's crazy seeing him open Christmas presents. You don't often see NBA players open Christmas presents as a child. Yeah. Like he was opening Christmas presents. Yeah, yeah. It's hilarious. I mean, it's cute. And I can understand, especially if you have kids, that is...

Like, that's the thing. I don't have kids, so I don't know that feeling. I understand why when you have kids, you're like, I will do anything for my kids. And he is up against a lot because people will, in the NBA, the other motherfuckers that are struggling to make the team, they're not

the most famous player's son. You know what I mean? And like, they will play hard as fuck. They'll probably try and embarrass him. So I see what you're saying. Like, it actually, it is interesting because they've sort of created the only circumstances you could even maybe consider him an underdog. Yeah. But it's, when you zoom out of life and you're like, this guy will be fucking fine. Oh, he's doing interviews with his brother and his sister. Yeah. How, how, what kind of ass is Deuce Tatum going to pull in 20 years? That,

That kid. He seems pretty soft-spoken every time I see him. His dad is fucking in his life. His grandmother is in his life. He's got love all around him. I don't like the Celtics, but yes. He's got a nice family. I like to root against Boston as much as possible. Jason Tatum's a fucking man. He's great. He's a good player. I love fucking Damos. What's his name? Oh, yeah. Sabonis.

well that's not to be fair I said the same thing about Bronny but his his dad is maybe was the coolest like one of the first cool foreign players he was so good Arvita Sabonis but he was in the it was when the Soviet Union still existed and they wouldn't let him out to play in America and he only got to America when he had like bad knees and he was old and he was still pretty good but him and his

prime, he might have been like if he was allowed to come to America in his prime, he could have been one of the greatest players of all time. Don't you think it would be better if they did starting five during the current season? Kind of like the way they do hard knocks? Well, I think the way they're doing it is once it finishes, the new season starts.

So like starting... Oh, filming, filming. Exactly. So like, so... Oh, wait, who are they doing now? I don't know. I don't know. Who would you like to see them do a starting five with? I'll tell you right now, Djokovic, I would love. I fucking love that dude. I fucking love that guy. Yeah. The joke would be great. I don't know how... I don't know how... Yeah, he's very interesting, but I don't know that he would give...

Because his brothers are hilarious. He has like two goon, huge Serbian brothers. I mean, not to be a... I would love to see what's going on with the... I mean, if they don't do it for the Knicks, they're crazy. Yeah. Because this team has a ton of hype. Jalen Brunson is, you know, he's like, he's become great. Yeah.

It's hard not to say Anthony Edwards again, because he's just so charismatic. And so, I mean, Victor Wambayama, who's the like French guy, even though he's starting to sound fucking boring, he's just talking about being great and like, you know, not having fun. You need a couple of fucking head cases. Like I would have liked a classic when J.R. Smith was really, was really fucking doing it. Like I would have loved a fun, crazy player, but they won't let you, they won't let you look at any of that. Um,

Damn, that's a great question. I would obviously love to watch Giannis. He's my favorite player of all time. I mean, you know, just because it's great to see a Greek guy and he's a character and his brother's cool. He also, again, I'm going to not to be a hypocrite. He brings his brother along. That's what I love about Giannis. He runs a basketball team like it's a diner. It's a very Greek way to do it. It's like, get my brother a job too. He'll fucking run. He'll work the register.

We were in... I could be wrong about this. We were in Greece and they had a store for him in the airport. Yeah, the Dekoumbros. Yeah. Yeah, they have their own brand. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For real? Yeah, yeah. That's fucking badass. Yeah, no, he's the man. I mean, he's the fucking... The best athlete, Greek athlete. He fucking rules. Yeah, I mean...

The NBA is fucking awesome. I mean, NBA is badass. NBA is badass. And I'm telling you, man. Even following Chris Paul, who's, I mean, Clay on the Mavericks would be fascinating. He spent his whole career on the Warriors and now he's with the Mavericks with Kyrie, who's hilarious. Luke is the man. So there's just so many personalities and so many different

So much shit is just going on. Are you still doing the podcast with Sam about basketball? No, no. We love doing it, but we just got too busy. How many podcasts do you have now? Just one? Just Stobby's World. Just Stobby's World. Stobby's World, yeah. Would you have Trump on? No. Why not? I'm not interested in it at all. No.

I'm not interested in having him on at all. And it's also hack at this point. He's been on enough podcasts where it's like, ah, it's kind of like when a guy's doing a special and he's been on every podcast and you're like, I'm skipping it. I heard this story. I heard this on YMH. I don't want to fucking listen to him on. Are you garbage? He's going to say the same stuff. He's Trump has gotten to that level where he's doing every podcast where it's like, all right, we get it, man. Trump should do. Are you garbage? Here's a question. Yeah. Have you ever moved anyone? Yeah.

How many abortions have you paid for even though now you're not for abortion because you're a Republican? Would you have Putin on? No. That's what we're getting. We're whitewashing history. What are we fucking talking about? Kim Jong-un? Maybe. I like his clothes. I want to talk to him about his tailor. I need some of those wide legs. I think we have the same body type.

He's got some nice clothes. Yeah. Then I can make it a set. Yeah. He likes basketball. Yeah. I've had politicians reach out to be on my podcast and I've always been like, no. Yeah. I was like, no, I'm the wrong guy. Well, the thing is like, I, I mean, I have strong political beliefs personally, but my job is to be funny. Yeah. That's my job. And like, you can tell if you pay attention and you look at what I create, you can see what my beliefs are. They come up, but I don't want to hit anyone over the head with them. And if I were to have a politician on my,

I would have to really hunker down and do research and like that's not who the fuck I am. And the only, you know, if I ever had any kind of political person on, it would probably just be

It would just be because the way I look at my podcast is it's I only have people on that I actually want to spend time with and talk to as human beings. And to be honest, you're the only one that I can think of is literally I mean, not to be hacked, but I'm a Bernie bro. Bernie Sanders. I actually I admire him as a human being because he has been.

He has believed these things. There's black and white photos of Bernie Sanders being pro-trans. Do you know what I mean? There's black and white photos. That's a guy who's been on the right side of shit and who I like, you know, I just believe in what he says about inequality. And I just think he's an interesting, funny, weird, crotchety Brooklyn Jew that went to Vermont and then had an interesting political career.

And I wouldn't feel like I would have to do a ton of research to talk to him. And I don't want to do a ton of research to talk to anybody. What it comes down to is if it makes it hard for me to do my podcast, I don't want you on it. You know what I mean? Like, I want it to be a fun, easy time. I want Eldest to be like, hey, I'm turning the mics on. I'm like, oh, who's on today?

Oh, all right, cool. That'll be fun. You know what I mean? That's the amount of preparation I like to do. So that would probably be it. I'm not, I don't, I'm, my dad, I always let me know how ill-informed I was about life. Like, I'm just, I really, honestly, I've,

I have no skin in the game with anything. I got really lucky. I have stupid thoughts. I say them on stage and I should, I should never be, you should never, if I, if there's someone listening to this right now going, who should I vote for? You shouldn't, I should never give you a direction. Right. You should never listen to me. Right. None of this. I got really lucky. Yeah. So just, you have to do your own research and you have to listen to the right people. For sure. It's like, but with sleep apnea, I'm right about that.

It is fun that you're not an anti-vaxxer. You're an anti-apnea-er. That is a funny guy to be. I remember getting a call from Joe. He's like, you're not getting the vaccine, are you? And I had just snuck in line to get it. I spoke Spanish. I was like, hey, come on up then. Jab, jab. That's you fucking coming in, taking the sleep apnea mask off my face. Neck's fully loaded. You're like, what the fuck is this shit? Not allowed on my bus.

By the way, on your fucking bus, you say no sleep apnea masks allowed. Someone's dying. Yeah, on that bus, dude. Me, Jay, whoever. There's a lot of, there's a lot of, who else was on? Joey Diaz was on in the bus. Joey Diaz is a hardcore sleep apnea guy. Yeah, that's a guy that needs. He's been, he's sleep apneas on planes on like an hour and a half flight. Like he'll throw his mask on in an hour and a half flight and be like, sorry, cocksucker. Respect. Yeah, that's awesome. God.

Oh, man. Stabby, I love you to death. I love you. Thanks for such great. I really appreciate it. I love you. Thanks for coming to the premiere. That meant a lot. And thanks. Yeah. Please go watch. Let's start a cult in theaters. We're trying to get it to wherever you are, guys. And if not, we're going to get it to be a rental at some point later, later after the release. But please go see the theaters. Like we said, it's special to see a comedy with people.

people. And it just like, it's a funner experience to laugh in a group full of people. So, and realize that you're doing a solid, it's like when we say on podcasts, like, you know, Hey, use my code to let them know that we sent you. It's the same thing. We just go to the theaters to let them know that we sent you so that,

If this does well, then guess what? Dark Horse, Dark Sky, call Stavi and they're like, yo, we got $5 million. What do you want to do next? And then you get another one. And you're getting them. All they're asking for is like 20 bucks to go to them. Take your fucking check out. Yeah. Call your boys up. It'll be a fun night. It'll legitimately be a fun night. And the more of these that do well, the more we keep making. Yeah, and I made a movie that if I wanted to see, you know what I mean? Like it's, I want to go see dumb comedies that are fucking quick and just...

joke, just about the jokes first and foremost. You're not going to learn any lessons. We'll end on a perfect question regarding the movie, regarding your sense of humor, and regarding what you guys will see.

Were those your real testicles? Unfortunately, they were not. God damn it. I was like, why not just save the money on the budget and use the real ones? I wanted to use my real balls. I wanted to use my real balls. They wouldn't let me. That's the reason you should go see the movie. Go see those balls. I love you, Somi. Love you too, brother. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert.

One goes top of the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.