Saturday Night Live Secrets & Norm Macdonald w/ Kevin Nealon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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100% Brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. My buddy Tom is in Turkey getting a consultation. What kind of consultation? Hair transplants. Really? Yeah. It's a transplant. We were just talking about this coming upstairs. I'm getting older.

And I don't know if it's okay to try to do, like get hair transplants to look younger. Right. You know? I have teeth implants to look younger. Mollers in the back. Hang on. You know that's like a real thing. Yeah, you know about that, right? When you start getting older, you start losing your molars. Everything's implanted when you get older. I have four joints that have been implanted in my body. Yeah, yeah. Arthritis. Arthritis.

Do you have arthritis? Yeah. You're in shape. You do. You hike all the, my guest is Kevin Nealon. You're in shape. You're in shape. You do your hiking podcast. Yeah. It's not really hiking though. It's kind of more like strolling at this point. Conan wore a collared shirt.

Some people, Bobcat Goldthwait showed up with a cup of coffee. Really? Yeah. And David Spade didn't want to hike any kind of an incline. He's got a bad back. I think it's a neck, but it doesn't matter. That's his problem. It's not my problem. Not my problem. That was a really fascinating one you did with David Spade. That was a while ago, right? Yeah, that was a while ago. But, you know, we're walking along. He goes, are we going up a hill? It was like a 1% grade. Are we going up a hill?

You have the best group of friends. Like your friend list is like wild. I don't even have a list. Oh, I do. It's in this book. Oh. Everyone you've had interactions with is in this book. Oh, no, no. There's a lot of people missing from that book. I know. But like when like, like you're friends with Dana Carvey. Yeah. Yeah. I think that guy is so cool.

He is cool. We've known each other a long time. We knew each other from the clubs, you know, like in San Francisco that are no longer there. And, you know, we were both single at the time and doing stand-up. And, yeah, I've known him for a long time. And we talk often. Yeah. Is it crazy, like, you meet these dudes when you're young and you just have a dream and then you succeed and then you become grown men that still are in the business of just being silly? Yeah. That's right. Yeah.

I think kind of in a way we never grow up because we just enjoy that kind of a, you know, compartment so much. We like being in that compartment. And it doesn't, you know, when you see everybody else around you that's not there, you go, I don't want that. I can't imagine. Like when I talk to my business manager and he tries to explain stuff, I just tune out. And I'm like. I know. Can you believe they do that for a living? I know. I mean, like I'm shocked at all the jobs I couldn't have. Yeah.

What do you think made you a comedian? Because I have another question, a follow-up question. What do you think made you the comedian that you are? Because you are maybe the king of Ted Pan. I am. I am really dry. Dry? And dark, though. I mean, buddy, when I was in... I was trying to do the math today and I couldn't do it quick enough.

subliminal man when i was a kid watching that i saw you take a little moment a moment to figure out how to pronounce that subliminal a lot of people are in trouble with that i'm not a good talker do you know what it is sometimes when you get these job offers and you don't want to do it but it's such a great offer you have to do it you know because you would regret it the rest of your life it was the same with me when you like with the tonight show a long time ago with johnny carson

it's all you wanted to do as a stand-up is get on that talk show yeah and then they say okay you're gonna do it and you go oh no oh no and then your name is like out there you're doing it now i gotta do it because they were advertising it yeah and then you do it and you know it's crazy and then you go on with your life thinking i did it i don't have any regrets i i sometimes i had a i've had a couple buddies now host snl and we were watching on my bus watching one of them do it and everyone's like bro would you do that

My instinct is to say yes, obviously. Yeah, you'd be great. But the second I hosted it, I'd regret it. I'd regret accepting it. Because all that pressure, I do not want. But you're used to pressure. As a comic, any comic is used. I hear a lot of people say, I could never survive SNL. I couldn't. I'm too fragile. And it's not for everybody. Even if you're really talented, it may ruin your life. It's just not a lifestyle some people are able to endure.

I was able to do it because I thought I'd be fired like within a week. I thought, well, I won't be here that much longer. You're the longest one to ever do it. At the time I was like nine years, but now people like Daryl Hammond and some of these other people have been there, Horatio Sand. They've been there for like 20 years or whatever, you know? This is the running offer I've put out there a number of times. And if Lauren ever sees this,

This is the offer. I will put everything on hold my entire career. Oh, yeah? Yeah, everything, including the TV show I'm about to start shooting. Put everything on hold to be a cast member for the lowest pay for one season. They're all the lowest pay. Yeah, it's like, they make you sign a deal where they're like, yo, it's 700 bucks a week. Yeah, yeah. And you sign the deal even before you audition. I know. Dude, I was, at the time, I don't know what I was made. I don't remember, but it was like rock bottom. It was maybe...

I can't even say, $4,000 a show maybe? Wow. And Lorne Michaels says, spend all your money on an apartment because that's where you're going to go to rest. And that was, it took all your money to live comfortably in New York.

And I had a studio apartment the first couple of years by Central Park. It was nice, but I was hardly ever there because I was always at the studio. And then after that, I thought, I'm going to pace myself. I'm not going to be working that hard. It's not a sprint. It's a marathon. Plus, I was a stand-up.

I never did a character in my life or a sketch. Really? And I just went and had to learn all that stuff. And, you know, I was hired as a writer the first year and a feature player. They guaranteed me seven shows. But I was on every show and I mostly write for myself, you know. And so, yeah, it's not a lot of money. But, yeah, you would do it for $700 a show just to be on that. Just to experience it. Experience it, yeah. You know, the shorthand you guys all have that have done it.

Like I heard someone talking to JB Smooth about that he would pitch the same idea over and over again every week just because it would make the room laugh.

Like, I just think that's, I think it's a cool comedy experience. Yeah. I mean, I did the same thing because you don't want to have the wind taken out of your sails by pitching, you know, an idea that you really believe in and nobody laughs and the host goes, you know, so I would pitch the same sketch and everybody knew it. It was a runaway truck.

you know, lane, you know how we're going down a hill at the trucks, brakes fails. They go down this little gravel, long driveway. And then I put it like a bar at the end of that. So they would each come in to the bar really frazzled, you know, and I'd be the host would be the bartender. Yeah. And that's all I had on that. And I would say the rest writes itself. Yeah.

That's great. Yeah, yeah. Who's your favorite host that you have? Oh, you know, Bert, I got to tell you, there's so many great hosts on there. I was like in heaven. You would be in heaven too. I had these bands like I listened to growing up. You know, like Mick Jagger, James Taylor.

Eric Clapton, all these guys, Paul Simon. I'm like, oh my God, I just want to stay here as long as I can. Yeah. And the hosts, Steve Martin at the time. And yeah, I mean, there's so many, Dolly Parton, Robert Mitchum hosted, Charlton Heston hosted once. Charlton Heston? Yeah, yeah. This is back in the 1900s.

It was in the 1900s. It was in the 1900s. It was in the 1900s. Yeah, way back then. And we have the 50th coming up soon, and everybody's really excited about that. It's kind of cool because there's probably people on SNL that maybe are only on two seasons, the 50th, and they're like, maybe they don't feel part of the family. Or six weeks.

I think Ben Stiller was on for maybe six shows. For real? Yeah. I remember when SNL switched over and it was the new Lauren left and the other guy was running it and it was like Robert Downey Jr. and like that. Anthony Michael Hall. Anthony Michael Hall. Julia Louise Dreyfuss though. I mean, they're all good. They're all talented. They're amazingly talented. Yeah.

obviously, but like... But you need that synergy between the writers and the cast, and also they need that synergy between each cast member. When I came on, I was friends with Dana Carvey. He recommended me for the show. I had an audition, and I was dating Jan Hooks at the time. Jan Hooks. We had been friends for like six years, probably the most underrated cast member on that show ever. I mean, she was so talented. So beautiful. Gorgeous. Isn't that crazy? Jan Hooks is a part of my...

It's just part of my comedy history. Like, Jan Hooks. Really? Yeah, we have, of course. Because, like, that, you're, you guys were my SNL. I mean, Farley and Spade were, I was a little in, like, almost in college then. Yeah, if you were in high school. That's when your favorite cast is, when you're in high school. You guys, you guys, Dana Carvey is, like, when I first met him, I kind of lost my shit. Because, like, the church lady was, like...

I mean, it was like, it was like, we do impressions of that in eighth grade. Yeah. I mean, subliminal man, you know, I want to ask you a question because you are. That rolls off your lips. They just hung really well that time. I'm doing it. I'm getting it better. There are comedy jokes and comedy sketches that live rent free in my mind that I think of all the time. Without a doubt. Number one for me is, so I figured when's the next time I'm going to be in Haiti? Why wear a condom?

The bad idea jeans sketch? Yeah, the bad idea jeans. That's like those things. What jokes live free in your mind? Like whether it's a comedian's joke or like a sketch you saw or just a bit you saw. Well, I just saw something recently. It was...

It was a sketch from a British comic who had a talk show at the time. And I can't remember what his name was. I think it was Dave Allen or something. And it was so funny because it was like one of those old British short films. And here's this guy walking down the street and he sees like a dollar bill or whatever it is in England under the tire of a car. He tries to get it out. He can't get it out. He's trying all different ways. He's rocking the car. He's trying to get out with his foot. Can't get it out. So he decides that...

He'll go across the street to the cafe. He goes into the cafe, a lot of people in there, and he has a cup of tea. And then he sees the guy coming back to his car. And the guy pulls away. As he pulls away, everybody in that cafe went running out. They're all waiting in there for the dollar bill. But that one, just recently I saw that one. One of the jokes that really stands out in my head is one by Gary Shandling. He said,

You know, sometimes when I feel lonely, I will shave one of my legs so it feels like I'm sleeping with a woman. Yeah.

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And everybody's in the Sandler's in there. Dana Lovitz, Rob Schneider. And they're all like these, like pretending to be real Italian waiters, or maybe they are supposed to be Italian waiters and they're just kissing her. And, you know, no, this is what they do, honey. This is no, and by the end of the thing, Dana's like dry humping Victoria on the table. And, uh,

You know, they're lifting her shirt up. And he goes, this is what they do. I said, no, we're out of here. And as we're walking away, Sandra comes out of the kitchen with just a Speedo on. And they're all licking the window watching us go away. That makes me laugh. So every time I see it. You had so many great cast members you worked with. Oh, they were great. You worked with, I think you worked with, and I mean, I don't want to misspeak, but probably the all-stars cast.

Because you were probably in two seasons, right? Two different generations. Yeah, I mean, it started blending after a while. I think what happens is...

you know, in a certain cast, you can, Lauren kind of squeeze you dry and then you kind of, uh, you know, it's like a car without oil, you know, you've used up all the oil. So, uh, he starts bringing in new cast members to pump it up a little bit. So, you know, Spade would come in and then, uh, Tim Meadows, Chris Farley, Mike Myers, you know, Sarah Silverman was even there for a little bit. And, um, um, yeah. So, um,

But our original cast, we were really, really tight and kind of knew each other so well. And it was exciting because it wasn't like 20 or 30 people on the cast, which there is now, I think. Yeah. It's just, it was fun. You know, what's funny is, you know, everybody's trying to please Lorne.

You know, you're trying to like, I wonder if Lauren would like this, even in your regular life. And it never goes away. Like I was buying milk the other day. I said, I wonder if Lauren would like me getting the way I got this out of the counter, out of the, you know, the cooler. Because I kind of pulled it out straight. Maybe I should have taken more time with it. There is a weird thing that's broken in comics, I think, where we do look for approval from someone. And I mean, when I first got in, I was looking for approval from my manager.

I was like, yeah, because I knew I needed approval from something. Like, just know that I'm going in the right direction. Oh, but that was after you got into it. But why did you get into it originally? I mean, did you want to... For me, I think it was a girl in high school that I really wanted to have her take notice of me. You know, I'm talking about this in therapy right now, but I think...

I think there's a part of me that needs people to be happy around me. Yes. And I want everyone to be comfortable. Yeah. Like I've, I've, I think I heard you talk about this on Bill Maher, but you, you, you were funny to make sure everyone was having a good time or make sure everyone was comfortable. Yeah. I connect with that, man. I just, I'm uncomfortable when people aren't, when they're not happy or when they're uncomfortable. Oh. And, uh, and, uh, it's, uh, you know, it's something I should be in therapy for, but it took me a long time to say no to people. I can't say no.

I know that's why I'm here. I can't say no. I'm like so bad at no. I've had several wives that said, you got to learn how to say no, but I have learned to say it, but not always. And I'm not the best at saying it. Like I asked Larry David once if he would go on a hike with me, you know, do a hiking show, which I really, when you get time, I'd love to have you. Um, but, um,

I texted him and he texted me back like a day later. All he said was, no, I don't want to do it. That's all he had to say. I will lie to people and put myself in a bad situation. I was just doing this downstairs. You heard me doing it. I have a podcast at 1230. I have another podcast at 330 on this one day. And then a guy said, can we meet at one? And I went, yes, knowing I cannot meet him at one. There's no way I can meet him at one.

And it's not going to work on my thing, but he's the most important thing, and I don't want to let him down. But I don't want to let my friends down. So I put myself in bad situations. And that affects everybody else that's close to you. Yeah. And then I just was down there going, can someone just fix this? Can I give you three words? Please. Shame on you.

And then you feel horrible when you hurt somebody. My son especially, I collapse when he starts crying because he never... He was very sensitive when he was younger. And we were playing basketball once and I was kind of teasing him. And he knew somebody at the tennis courts nearby and I didn't even think about that. And it's so important to impress your peers and stuff. And I guess he thought the kid could hear it and...

He got under the basketball rim and he just started crying. I still feel horrible to this day. That was like, I don't know, eight years ago. God, isn't it crazy? I wonder what Lauren would think of me making him cry like that. I don't know. I wonder what Joe Rogan would think of it. That's our Lauren in a weird way. But Joe for us was like a big brother. You know, like he kind of, I mean, for lack of a better word,

he kind of showed us the direction to do a career, you know? Well, you always have a mentor. I don't, you know, for me it was Gary Shandling. And then, you know, you asked me why I got into standup too later on. I had, I loved standup. I would watch everybody on TV that was doing standup at the time. And I loved Albert Brooks. I loved Andy Kaufman. I loved his brother.

Oh, yeah, Bob Einstein. Super Dave still works. And he's so dark and wrong. I would be on the phone with him driving somewhere. Where are you going? He said, I'm going to the comedy store. What? Why would you go there? And then he'd talk about Princess Di or something. It gets so like, you know, it was so wrong. But you laugh. You can't help laughing. Oh, he's that funny.

still to this day that works and i i wonder like i'm i wonder what is happening with comedy because so many people got into comedy because for i think it's a easier path nowadays than it was when you started when you started it was like almost like joining the circus yeah it was a real novelty thing most people have never been to a comedy club you know they they and then it took a while now audiences know what to do they're comfortable yeah before it's like

oh, how does he do that? People would be like, I'm not going to a comedy club. You think I'm going to laugh? Yeah. And then I remember going to my first comedy club and laughing and going, how did he do that? I know. That's crazy. And then you go back again and you go, oh, I see. It's an act. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, I bet you nowadays it's like everybody in that audience, they've probably tried doing stand-up comedy at least once or they want to do it. Yeah. Or they are comics. I think everyone that...

I mean, I have a skewed view, but I think there's a lot of, I have a lot of people tell me, you know, I've done comedy or I would like to do comedy or, you know, hey, let me give you a joke. But back when you started, back when I started, it was like coming out to my dad as gay.

He was like, you want to do what? Were you in college? Is that when you first started doing it? Yeah, I did it one time. I was written up in Rolling Stone magazine as the number one party animal in the country. I get that. Yeah. And then I said in that article I wanted to try doing stand-up. And so they put on a show. And I did one. I closed the show. I did 20 minutes at the end of the night. Never would I do that now. But then I just didn't know. And it was just so. It's interesting because the question I had about you is like,

My style that night is my style today. It's very stream of conscious, very much storytelling. Stream conscious? Yeah, stream of conscious. In the moment? In the moment and storytelling. I love your story about the airplane and the kids. You were flying somewhere with your wife, I guess it was. And there was a guy bothering you. I can't remember exactly what it was, but I remember laughing so hard because I fly a lot and I could relate. No, but I was wondering. I was like, I wonder if.

Because I remember my style got gifted to me by my friends. Meaning for our currency was to be able to recount the evening or recount the day in the best way. And I don't know if that's...

A Florida thing. Like, I don't know if that was just where I grew up, but like Cuban kids could always tell a good story. And like, and man, I would practice my story in ninth grade, walk into the lunchroom, like, here we go. The dog comes out. Get your manager with you. And then, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I was like, the dog jumps in the car. And the dog didn't jump in the car, but it made it real. Yeah, yeah. And then they'd...

And then I know Ty's going to say, but the dog didn't jump in the car. I go, bitch, you weren't even there. And so, but I was like, I wonder if you got your style from your time you spent in Germany, like me making friends. Cause it is your, your, your style is, I don't even know when you're not being funny. Like sometimes you'll tell me something serious. I know that face a lot. Cause I see that face a lot.

And it's so seamless. Yeah. It's like downstairs, I go, is Sarah making your coffee? Like, I hope so. I've been waiting for a while. I mean, just like very casually, you're casually so funny. Yeah, yeah. Not professionally, though. You know, for me, you talk about Florida, and you remember the first time you got some success on stage. Yeah.

The first time I found myself performing was accidentally. I wasn't even trying to. I was in Daytona Beach, like, you know, on spring break. And back then it was a time when they, you could go into these places and they would take a picture of your face and then they put on a t-shirt. It was huge back then. People loved it. So we're walking around Daytona and I see this store. It's got a big, you know, picture window in the front. So you can see inside people sitting on the chairs, almost like a barbershop. And they have screens in front of each chair.

you know, taking pictures. And, um, I sat in the chair next to the window. Nobody else was in the place. And I'm like making faces like to the camera, you know, like that. Let's do that for like, I don't know, a couple of minutes. And then I happen to look out and there's a whole crowd of people that are watching and having a good time. You know, it's like, and then I got scared, but that was a really the first time I entertained another time like that. It wasn't doing standup, but I was doing karaoke and I was seeing, are you lonesome tonight? That's my go-to karaoke song. What's yours? Uh,

I have a couple Sister Christian and Creed. Sister Christian. And then one time I did, there's a song Down With The Sickness by Disturbed. And I pulled my phone out and I was like, guys, my girlfriend's in the hospital. It's not looking good. So I just want to sing her. This is a song to pump her up. It's not looking good. And I put the phone. I was like, baby, are you there? I was like, you there? Okay, here we go. And then I sang Down With The Sickness. And everyone's like, oh, okay.

But that was back when, before I was doing a lot of comedy, but yeah, Creed and Sister Christian is the ultimate stripper song. Keep going. Yeah, my girlfriend's in the hospital. It's not looking good because she thinks the doctor's hot. We all take supplements, or at least we know we should, but why are so many supplement companies

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Go to ShipStation.com. Use the code CAVE to sign up for your free trial. That's ShipStation.com and the code word is CAVE. C-A-V-E. Yeah, so I'm doing my karaoke song. I'm looking at the lyrics on the thing and I look up and there's like four couples dancing to it. Really? I start laughing so hard. I

I thought these people are desperate. But, but yeah, I've always loved doing standup. It's all I ever really wanted to do, Bert. And then this acting stuff came along and, you know, okay. But standup is, that's all I want to do. And here, you know, here I am all these years later, still doing it. Isn't it crazy? Cause I, I didn't know there was, you could do other things.

I didn't even know. You didn't know you could do other things. I didn't know I could do anything. The first time I did stand-up, it just felt so natural to me that I was like, oh, this is... So I'm getting rewarded for the thing that my dad bothered my dad. Yeah. I would say things to my dad at dinner with friends when I was a kid, and my dad would just go, what the fuck is wrong with you? I remember one time going, one of his friends goes,

What did he do for a living, first of all? He's a lawyer. He still is. Oh. He's a lawyer. He's very proud of me now. But I think understanding me was tough for him. Yeah. Because I just was very different than him. Hey, Bert, we're looking at a house in Encino. Do you think maybe you could kind of foot us a little money? It's in Valley Village. Yeah. It's in that water with all the kids, you know? So your dad was kind of tough on you growing up. Wasn't...

I wouldn't say tough. So you hated your dad. Is that what you're saying? No, I didn't hate him. I was looking for his approval constantly. Oh, yeah. But my natural behavior, it was like I was like a dog who thought everyone loved it when I pissed on the couch. My dad's like, why won't you stop pissing on the couch? And then one day you get paid for pissing on the couch. You're like, everyone likes it now. Was it hard to keep up with that because you had to drink a lot, right? Or is that not? Yeah. No, I stay very hydrated.

Yeah, yeah. I knew a comic way back when, because I started a long time ago. His name was Ollie Joe Prater. I know him. Do you know of him? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He'd have the cowboy hat. He was like a short guy, kind of stocky. And he'd go on stage, and he'd just drink so much. And eventually, he died from, there he is. Yeah. I think he'd go on stage and have a beer in his jacket. Oh, he had it just, and people would send him up beers and shots. I remember I had to pick him up once. We drove up to-

Visalia to do a gig. Yeah. And he picked him up from a hotel that was right on Sunset, not far from the Whiskey Agoga. And he just stunk of liquor all the way. And he pretty much slept all the way. He was hungover. And then I had to drive him back again. But it doesn't surprise me that he didn't last that long. No. Yeah, I think, you know, I'm trying to figure out what the, because I get my blood work done pretty every six months.

Transfusions or just... I do. I get IVs twice a week. For real. Do you really? I get two IVs twice a week. Why? AIDS. It's undiagnosed, but we know it's AIDS. Just in case. Just in case. Just in case I get the AIDS. The AIDS. No, I get IVs. I just got one yesterday. What for? To keep healthy.

It's like B12 or something. I get everything. I get a Hulk bag full and then I get glutathione. I get NAD shot. Are you serious? Oh yeah. I'm really like Keith Richards. I am. You know, I have a friend. I won't, I won't say his name. I have a friend. I know who you're talking about.

It's Tom Segura. It's Tom Segura, isn't it? That's your friend. Yeah. He was the one that got me on IVs. He gets IVs all the time. You go somewhere to get that? No, they come to me. They come... Wow, you're fancy. I got a nurse that comes to me. No, wait, you're like Michael Jackson. Oh, yeah. You ever do the propofol at night? I would love that. I would love... The closest I ever got, one time they give you... Leanne knows what it's called, but they can give you like a...

Like, what's one of the antihistamines that puts you to sleep? Oh, well, I know there's NyQuil and there's, oh, there's Sudafed. Yeah, like a Sudafed. They give you a pumped up Sudafed. And I was getting sick and he gave me an IV in my bed and I fell asleep and...

In the IV. And he pulled it out and I slept the whole night. I slept so good. Oh my God. I would love propanol. I would love it. So you're doing this to try to stay healthy. Yeah. Are you doing anything else in your life to try to stay healthy? Yeah. I have a trainer. I work out every day. I just benched 325 pounds. You look like you've kind of slimmed down a little bit. No, no. I'm on testosterone.

I have like a wellness doctor. I have a cardiologist. I'm like super nervous about death. So I do everything to try to... Do you still drink a lot? A lot. You're not that nervous about death. Well, you know what? Okay, I wake up in the morning and I go, that's it. I'm changing my life. I'm changing my life. I'm going to start being healthy. And then I get to the gym. I work out. And then as soon as I'm done working out, like this morning, it was like right when I got out of the sauna, I was like...

I could drink tonight. You know, it's one night. What are we going to do? What are we going to do? Quit everything? We got an ID. We worked out. We saw it. We polar plunged. We feel good. Have you ever had any heart issues? No.

My wife was going to go get me a defibrillator because she loves me so much. She doesn't want to lose me. And I have nothing wrong with my heart. And then she started pricing them. And then she thought, well, maybe it's not worth it. Do you go to the doctor? Oh, yeah, yeah. I go once a year for physical. And then I go to a cardiologist like every six months or so. And I go to a witch doctor, which is my favorite. I wish I could remember that song.

Which one? I went to the waist doctor and this is what he said. Boom, boom. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No one in this room will know that song. No, they won't. That's it. That's it. Wow, that's crazy. I was wrong. I hear you singing it all the time. So this is one thing I wanted to know. When I saw you losing weight, I'm sure everybody says this to you, but your belly is kind of your brand and stuff. What's going to happen next?

Sadly, I'm not gonna be able to get Joe Pesci, or not Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo ripped. Like I've tried, this is when I was younger. - Are you kidding me? That's you on the right? - Yeah. - Are you serious? - Yeah. - Dude, you let yourself go.

- You really did, man. How old were you then? - That was, I was right when I met Leanne, I was 20, no, I was 29. - Poor Leanne, you fooled her. You fooled her big time. - Well, you should have seen her. No, I've lost weight. I've lost like 50 pounds, but I still have a belly and I'm- - That's what you gotta keep. - Yeah, but I also, I mean, I remember when Joe Piscopo lost, like got really obsessed with his body.

Yeah, and Carrot Top too. I remember when Carrot Top did it. I don't know. I don't know. And John Lovitz. So do you ever have any desire to go back to that? No, I don't think I ever could. I think I was like 190 pounds then. At six foot two? Six one, yeah. Okay. But right now I'm about 240 pounds.

If I got to 220, I'd still be morbidly obese, technically. But I feel better. I feel better. Like getting out of a bed are the things I care about. Tell me your expression on your face when you're getting out of bed in the morning. I'll tell you mine. I'll show you mine. Okay. Roll over. Fuck it. Same as sex. Yeah. I'm going to roll over. Fuck it. Mine is like this. Last year, I've had a tight lower back. So I got out of bed. I go...

You know, I just kind of walk like this to the bathroom. And after an hour or so, it straightens out. And, you know, you're supposed to do stretches every day. And I say, I'm going to do these every day. And then, like, the next day, as simple as they are, it's like leaning against the wall, you know, working on your quads a little bit and tightening your butt. I don't feel like doing it for three minutes, you know, two minutes. I hate stretching. Once you start, though, it's good. Oh, I went to a yoga class one time, and I opened up my hips, and I felt phenomenal all day.

But the idea of doing that every day just makes me crazy. And your diet's good? You like sweets? I don't. Oh, you don't? No. The thing I try to eliminate the most is bread. That's the worst. I've stayed away from pasta. I've stayed away from rice almost entirely. How far away are you staying from it? Arms distance. Arms distance. Arms distance.

Definitely arms distance. If it gets closer to arms distance, it's in my mouth. Straw distance. Straw distance. Oh, man. Yeah, it's all hard to do. But you look good. Do you focus on your diet? I was just telling somebody the other day, I said, this is a lifelong thing.

You always want to get down another five and then you get down there and then you go back up. And you start thinking, can you just sit down and look at a meal and go, oh, that's too much. That's too much. Just enjoy it. Yeah. But I see a lot of people my age, that's what they're doing. And they look really bad. They're not healthy looking. No, no, no. I wish I could be like my wife. My wife will make one piece of toast, one egg, one piece of bacon, and a little side of fruit.

And she won't finish it. Yeah. I don't have that. Like you said one time, I remember hearing you say, I said something, we had three interactions before you knew who I was. And the first one. Were they all any unpleasant ones? No, they're all awesome. They're all awesome. I wore a bracelet today because of you. Because the second time I met you, you had like a cool bracelet on. I was like, yeah, I got to wear a bracelet. And I was like, oh, I bet he wears a bracelet today. He didn't.

I like your Lorne Michaels. Yeah, but you are kind of like approval from an older comic as a young, it never goes away. You always want a comic that's been doing it longer than you to go, I like what you're doing. I like this thing. Anything that always, that never goes away for me. But I think it's also the reason I do comedy.

Here's what I get a lot. A really pretty young girl coming up to me. She goes, oh my God, my parents love you. Can I tell you, I get that a lot too. I get young girls will go, my dad loves you. You look like my dad. Yes, yes. My dad is the biggest fan. No one ever says like, dude, I'm your biggest fan. It's like my boyfriend, everything.

It's always a girl going, my boyfriend or my dad loves you. My uncle is just like you. But the first time we ever met, I had a penis on my head.

Did I tell you this? That was you? Do you remember that? Do you remember that? I don't remember. We did a TV show and they put a head and we were doing ejaculation stories. I was on that show? And I, the only reason. How big was my penis? Sizable. The only reason I put the penis on my head is because they said you were going to do it. And then you came in.

And I was like, hey, are you going to get the penis on your head? And you went, no. And we sat there and you did the sketch without the penis? First time I said no in my life. Yeah, you're like, no. And I was like, oh my God. You can say no. There's got to be a picture of me as a penis. I know that I have the tapes. But I remember doing the whole thing. And my joke was, yeah, I took a sip. And you said something about premature ejaculation. And I spit it out.

And I was like, I have that problem. You need the penis hat for that. You did. What was the other time we met? We were doing something for the improv. That's when you wore a bracelet. I keep thinking you're going to say braces. No. That's when you had the braces on. No, you had a bracelet on. And don't Google. I don't need to see penis hurt. Yeah. But no, that was...

You know, I think, you know, if you're in this business as long as I am doing standup, it'll get to a point where, you know, you have young audiences now, but as you age, your audiences will age. And, and I remember I looked through the curtain and,

And I see my audience and they're all old people, gray hair, bald, fat, no offense. I'm not digging it. Tom's not here. And I'll look through the curtain and I'll go, oh, God damn it, man. It's all old people coming to see me. And then I remember I'm older than they are. Oh, I think you want that as a comic. You want your audience to age with you and stay with you. Stay with you. But a lot of times they start dying.

That's why we're doing the Two Bears 5K. Oh, are you? Yeah, we do a Two Bears. Do you want people to die? Nope. We're trying to keep them alive. Oh, jeez. We set up a 5K. We were talking and we were like...

Yo, our fans look like us, and we need to get in shape. And then we all need to get in shape so that they can keep coming. Like if they all die before us, then we can't do stand-up anymore. That's right. That's right. Yeah, we're trying to inspire people to get in shape. Jelly Roll's lost 130 pounds. Really? Yeah, Jelly Roll looks – I mean, I saw a video of him. Put it in Jelly Roll before and after. He looks so globally different than he did –

That's not, yeah. You know who else lost a lot of weight? It was Tom Wilson? No. Wait, Biff? No, the comic, what's his name? He was on a TV show with...

What's the name of that? What's that flower with the thorns in it? What's that flower with the thorns in it? Rose. Rose, what was the name of that comic? Billy Gardell. Yes. Have you seen him lately? I can only recognize him. It doesn't look like the same person. Here's the problem. Okay, there's Jelly Roll. There's Jelly Roll. And where is he now? Go to the middle one. Go to the middle one. Go to the middle one. I mean, this is like... Oh, the middle one on the top. Oh, there he is.

Oh, that's Billy Gardell? Yeah. On the right? On the right and on the left. Oh, he should go back to the weight. He should go back to the weight. He looks good. But, you know, when do you stop though? It's almost like an addiction. You start, keep losing weight. That's him? Yeah. Jesus. And then the same with, um, um,

Oh, I can't. Maybe it was him. Put in Tom Segura before and after. This is wild. I mean, Tom's on Ozempic, so he's lost a ton of weight. He told me his trainer was teaching him how to eat properly, and he never weighs himself. Is that BS? Yeah. Oh, my God. The whole time I see a scale, I go, well, Tom wouldn't get on this scale. What would Lauren think if Tom got on this scale? What would Lauren think? Look at how fat he is on the left, and then look at him on the right. Wow.

He's grown some hair too. He should dye his chest hair. Look at that, man. He was a mess. I know how he's covering up the love handles though. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How about when somebody loses a lot of weight like Al Roker? And they don't, they seem like, you could tell they lost weight. Like their head, it's just should be carrying more weight. The head looks weird. Yeah. Yeah. And you could tell like on the far right there.

Here's the question. I guess it's like, is Al Roker still alive? Yeah, I'm doing an interview with him. Are you serious? Two days, yeah. He'd be dead if he had stayed that way, right? Possibly. I mean, there's a lot of old, fat people. No, there's actually not. What about Jack Benny? I think he's dead. Oh, he did die.

Let's see. Winston Churchill was an old fat guy. He lived to 80. Jackie Gleason was heavy. Jackie Gleason. I read a book about Jackie Gleason. You did? I'm obsessed with those kind of guys. Shoot, I got a picture at home that you would love. I got it at the Rose Bowl flea market. It's Jackie Gleason doing his walk, you know, with Arnold Palmer on a green with the golf stuff and then the crowd around them.

And I did a commercial with Arnold Palmer a while back. And I had him sign it for me. And I got that hanging in my room. Shut up. I don't collect a lot of pictures that are autographed. Because once you start collecting stuff, it becomes you're a slave to it, right? Oh, yeah. I don't collect. You collect hats. And I'm sure you get people giving you hats from everywhere. It's like, I don't want that hat. Well, I can't do snapbacks. People give me a snapback. And I go, I have a big head. Oh, me too. Really? One size does not fit all. I'm 8'0".

- Oh, you know that mine is off the scale. I can't even like, one time I got a death threat from someone that was on SNL. I said, we can update. And I got a letter, handwritten, 'cause there was no email back then. - Oh, that is commitment.

He was really wanting me to know. He goes, I don't know how you became so unfunny, but I'm going to put a bullet in your big, fat, mick head. And for the next week, I was so paranoid. I was asking everybody, do you think I have a big, fat head? It was nothing to do with the letter. Wait, you're Irish? Yeah. Did your mom ever, did you have sisters? I do have sisters. Yeah, I have two brothers and three, I mean, three brothers and two sisters. Just found out I have a new brother about a year ago. For real? Not new, but a half brother. Yeah. How did you just find this out?

23andMe, which I thought was a dating site for a long time. So that was a total shock for me. Good thing I didn't date him. Did your mom ever say to your sisters, hold on a second, Lady Jane? No. Okay. Why? We call her Lady Jane. Lady Jane. Have you ever heard that term, Pierce? I don't think anybody here has. Let me feel your pulse. Type in Lady Jane. So I just listened to a documentary last night about Lady Jane Grey.

And my mom used to say that all the time to my sisters. Hold one hot second, Lady Jane. Why don't you slow your britches, Lady Jane? And Lady Jane was proclaimed queen as part of an unsuccessful bid to prevent the accession of her Catholic cousin, Mary Tudor. And so the phrase is used as someone who's trying to get too big too fast. So my mom said it all the time. And last night, randomly, I'm asleep and I'm listening to podcasts while I sleep. And this podcast about Lady Jane Grey comes on.

And I go, Lady Jane, I wonder if that has any relation. I wake up in the middle of the night, I Google it, and that's where that phrase comes from. But it's an Irish phrase because of Catholic, something about the Catholic religion. The church, yeah. So yeah, so it's an Irish phrase. Yeah. I was wondering if you ever heard that. I have now. I would hear this a lot growing up with the people in the neighborhood.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. All the time. Jesus. And they call me, you get called a tinker by your grandmother. Oh, yeah. Oh, you tinkers, get in here. Wow. That was crazy. I love documentaries. I do too.

You got to see this one. I just, I'm one of the executive producers on it. With Tig? Yeah, with Tig. Can we tell everyone about it? Yeah, yeah. Brandy Carlisle, Sarah. Your wife is a producer on it? Yeah. My wife, Sarah, what's her name? Barrasso? Bareilles. Yeah.

Varela, subliminal Varela. And yeah, Glennon Doyle and Ambie Wambach and a bunch of other people. And it was at Sundance and it won the best film at Sundance this year. It's called Come See Me in the Good Light? Yeah. Yeah. It's about this poet. She was diagnosed with incurable cancer. And there's the picture I drew of her.

And she is like the poet laureate of that whole poetry world. I mean, she's really very popular and she was diagnosed with incurable cancer and she lives with her wife or her lover. And it's about getting through that. And it's really uplifting. You know, when you hear something's about cancer and dying, you think, oh, I don't want to see that. But it is so uplifting and you find yourself laughing so much through it. Really? And you walk out of there and you think, man, I got to start living in the moment. Right.

Oh. She'll get like three weeks. She can live. There's another three weeks. My numbers are good. I get three weeks, you know? Shit. And you're thinking, geez, I got at least three years. Yeah. I was doing your math. I think you're going to be old when you die.

I was, I was thinking about your, I was thinking about your mortality today. Cause I think you're, you're, well, you're 71. You did a lot of research. I did. I did do a lot of research. Cause I care about you. I like, I like, you're one of my favorite. You are really good at this. No, I never thought you would be. A lot of people don't think I am. I didn't think you'd be a good standup either. A lot of people don't think I am. No, I always get, I got, we did a show this weekend and, uh,

And three, I mean, it's crazy, but like everyone got off. They're like, dude, I forgot how good of a standup you are. I was like, thanks. I think like, you know what, you know, when you see pictures of you or short clips, you think this guy's like a frat comic, you know, swill and beer in the belly and whatever. But when they see you on stage, you tell a good story and it's very, um,

It's compelling and funny. And you just take the people with you. Oh, thank you. And you can see that you're enjoying, you know,

recanting this story. I think, is that the word? Yeah. And, um, and yeah, you're really good. And I think maybe that might be your, I don't know if you remember when Bobcat Goldthwait started out. Yeah. He was doing like a guy who was, you don't know what he was like, he mentally handicapped or what, you know, and then he started getting political. So you can't stay with that character. You got to move out of it. Yeah. And I just wonder if, you know, to what extent you'll move out, uh,

You know the bear thing and maybe have more stories and you know, and then you could lose the way you want to lose I don't know. I've often thought like I would love to do a one-man show But yeah, but then I was like, I'm just gonna structure it the way I do an hour And you know, I got a really nice compliment from David Letterman one time he was doing an interview and he was like saying to the guy who was doing the interview with and

I'm drawing a blank on his name. He did Moonlight Mile. He's a comic. Oh, Mike Birbiglia? No, no. Neil Mervin? No, Moonlight Mile. Was it Johnny Carson? No. Merv Griffin? Anyway. We'll look it up later. He said, David Letterman said, you know the guy that does stand-up shirtless? And he goes, yeah, Bert Kreischer. And he goes, he's amazing. He's an amazing comedian. And he doesn't,

Have his shirt on. And he said, yeah. And he goes, and he never mentions it. He doesn't talk about it. He just takes his shirt off. And he goes, yeah. He's like, but he's a great comedian. He's like, yeah. And David Letterman was like, it's just... And...

Sarah texted me one time and said the same thing. She's like, David Letterman really likes you, but he's really fascinated about why you take your shirt off. The first time I met Norm MacDonald, I got off stage, and he was crying laughing on the other side of the curtain, and I thought he was laughing. I don't know what he was laughing at, but he just kept going, there's no shirt on. There's no shirt on. No shirt. You forgot your shirt. Yeah, and I've often wondered if I'd ever...

Get out of put it start wearing a shirt like if I lost a lot of weight You should paint like a six-pack on their shadow it. I've done that before that's bright tan, but with it the six-pack no, no I would never get a six-pack. I have a hernia. I'll never have a six. Why not fix that hernia Yeah, I think it's elective surgery Oh cosmetic. Yeah

So I was like, eh, if I'm getting cosmetic surgery, that's not what I'm getting. You know, I ran into Letterman a couple weeks ago, and I hadn't seen him in a long time. And he was always the Letterman that you're kind of afraid of. And he could not have been more friendly and complimentary. He was citing different things that he loved. Like, you know, you were at the Mark Twain thing. You were like the best one there. And you, you know, I love your hiking show. It's so creative. And then he goes, you told a joke. You used to tell a joke. It makes me laugh. I...

retell it a lot. I give you credit. And that he goes, the Lincoln thing, as if I would know, oh yeah, the Lincoln thing. I go, the Lincoln thing? He goes, yeah, you know, when you talk about the Lincoln going to school and stuff. I said, I don't know if that was me or not. He goes, oh no, well, I've been telling everybody it's you. I'm pretty sure it was yours. So the joke was this, it's not even a joke. He says, you know that Lincoln used to walk to school every day in the snow.

What they don't tell you is he was always late. So he loved that joke. I thought, man, I should start doing that again, but do a whole bit like what you don't know about certain famous people. Yeah. General Custard was scalped at Little Big Porn, but it was a wig, you know, that kind of thing. So I thought, well, I'm going to try that Lincoln thing, you know, in my standup and I'm sure it'll kill. I try it, nothing, no laugh at all. Do you know the joke I wrote for you today? No. Because I...

You did a... I'm trying to write a lot lately. Oh, yeah. And so... More than ever, because I feel like... Why is that? Because I don't like...

this last special is like the best thing I could have done. And so I feel like I need to grow in a different direction. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How many, how many specials do you have? Six, six. Yeah. So this, I think, I think, I think this is six, but this one is like the best one I've done. I've, I've take chances. I've never taken, I wear a different outfit. I'm like, like, I just really go for it on the special. So now I'm like, I took some time off. I'm like, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to write, I'm going to just really see everything. And just, I'm going to write. I wrote so much. I wrote two jokes from you today. Um,

No, no, no. What's the other one? You did a, you did, I was watching you on Conan this morning on the treadmill and you did a picture of Conan where you drew his picture as a character. Yeah. But you only drew this part, right? Yeah. And the joke I wrote was, and this is perfect for that, Mount Rushmore seems super impressive until you find out they were supposed to be the whole bodies. I guess they ran out of time. They made the head too big and they're like, bye.

Ran out of rock. And then the other one, this is just an idea, but you were talking about, I think Bill Maher was trying to get you to smoke weed, and you were like, I don't like to feel out of control. And I was like, oh, that's my favorite feeling. And I was like, that's the difference between people that don't like to get in the water at the beach and then people that like to swim 30 yards out. It gets shallow out of here too. Those people that swim offshore like that? Oh.

There is a death wish right there. No, it's so fun. Oh, you do that? I have. Yeah, I have. I don't do it in where we go to the beach up in Oxnard and I don't do it there because it's crazy water out there. So sometimes you can get pulled out on a riptide and I don't want that. No, no. But as a kid, always growing up in Florida in the Gulf of America, I think it's called now. But America is now called Mexico. So it's a trade. Okay. I like it. Um,

We would always swim out to the sandbar, which was like 30 yards out, 40 yards out. Did you never swim out in the ocean like that? Well, I was a lifeguard. For real? For a while, yeah, for three years on a beach. But I was on Long Island Sound, so it didn't get that deep. It was like a foot deep, like a mile. And you would just be pulling drunk people up, you know, so they wouldn't drown.

And then, yeah, so I would do that for three years. And I wanted to buy a guitar. I remember this. So I got another job at night at Dunkin' Donuts. So I worked from 10 to 5 at night at Dunkin' Donuts. And then I was a lifeguard from 10 to 5. So those two don't really, night shift and day shift as a lifeguard is not a good combo. Yeah. I think I slept through two drownings.

One of them at Dunkin' Donuts. But yeah, so I was a good swimmer. I haven't swam lately. But yeah, I like to be in control. What kind of a husband are you? Because you seem like you don't get...

you don't like fly off the handle. You've always seemed so even keeled. Yeah. Almost to a fault. Like you're so even keeled. Like I was, I was wondering like what it's like to be parented by even keeled. But you know what? You're right. It's even keeled. What is that like? My wife sometimes will get on me because I don't show, I'm not, um,

demonstrative like she is. She's very, you know what's on her mind. She gets excited really, or she'll be crying. And I'm just even keel. She goes, you have to get, you know, excited. I said, well, you know, when we look at an open house, you shouldn't get really excited, you know, cause that's not going to help with the negotiations. And that's what I do. I just go in there. Yeah, it's okay. Plus I always think, well, I'm not going to get excited cause it may not happen. You know, it may not happen.

You know what I mean? I'm like your wife. How you are? Oh, we went to buy a car one time. This is a while ago. And I also have ego problems. So, like, I feel someone's threatening me. Like, I had a pool guy one time, and I was like, I want to move our... I want to get rid of this pool where it is. I want to move it in the center. You had a little extra money? I had a little extra money. And then in doing that, I realized it would be...

You're never going to fill in the pool the way, and it's never going to settle the way you want it to. And it was just, it was foolhardy. And then he said to me, he said to my wife, yeah, I didn't hear back from her. I figured Bert ran out of all his money.

And I was like, fuck it, we're doing the pool now. And the guy's like, what are you doing? I was like, no, fuck that. So I had like an ego thing. So we were going to buy a car one time. And my business manager was like, we're just going to buy it in cash. And I was like, great. And the guy's like, he said something like, you think you can afford a car like this? And I was like, afford it, I'm buying it in cash. My business manager was like, buddy, we have no room to negotiate now. And I was like, oh, shit. I'm like your wife, I get very excited. I get very excited.

Yes. What is your go-to in the pool? I bet it's a cannonball. No. No? I thought you would be a cannonball guy. No, no, no. I'm not a dive guy.

Oh, no. I walk into the pool always. Oh, you don't have any kind of like a backflip or? Oh, no, no. Oh, no, no. What's the one where you jump and you hold one knee up? A pike? Preacher seat. Oh, is that a preacher seat? Yeah. Oh, you hold one and you lay like that? We call it a preacher seat growing up. I have rituals in the pool. Like I'm a little OCD. Oh. I get in the pool almost every, just about every day. And I get down to the shallow end and I hold my breath and I swim all the way to the deep end. And we have a 13 foot pool. So it gets really cold at the deep end. Oh, at that 13 feet deep? Yeah. Yeah.

That's why we kept that pool. You have deep sea fish down there? Yeah. Got stuff that people never knew. When the fires were coming, they said that was the move, is to get your, I have a scuba tank and scuba set up. And that one guy lived through the fires, maybe in the Palisades, where he got his scuba stuff and got in the pool. Are you serious? Yeah. I was like, that was a move I was going to do.

I never even thought about that. If the fire had gotten to us, it would have been. But, you know, you've seen that kind of a cartoon, whatever it is, when the plane comes down and scoops water up out of a pool. Yeah. They drop the body onto the fire. They didn't know they had the person in there. Yeah. How did this guy with a scuba tank get on the street? But, yeah, it's...

It's, you know, I'm not a good negotiator either because I don't want to hurt the person's feelings. You know, I said, what's the best deal? Like right now, okay, $75,000. What's the best deal out the door?

And then they go, "75,000." I go, "Sold." I just don't wanna... Even when I'm like in a foreign country, you know, where you can negotiate with you guys, you could bargain with these guys. "How much for that blanket?" "That's 65 euros." "I'll give you 64." "How's that?" "65." "All right, deal." - 55 it is?

I'm so bad at negotiating. I should not be able to buy anything. I never look for a deal. What's the last thing that you bought just spontaneously? You didn't even need it. Almost everything. Almost everything I buy. My buddy bought a new house, and I have a really great flashlight. It's 200,000 luminums, so it lights up your whole backyard. Oh, my God.

It's actually a self-defense weapon in my opinion. You can blind somebody with it. You can blind somebody. If you turn it on, the person cannot see. So that's why I bought it initially. And then I bought it and it was great. So I bought one for my dad. And then I bought one for my brother-in-law. And then I bought a second one for me to have, you know, just in case I couldn't find the first one. Give it all to your 5K runners. Yeah. I bought one for Tom for Christmas. And then my buddy bought a house and I just go, I'm going to buy him the flashlight. My wife goes, hey, it's $1,000. What?

what are you giving him a thousand dollars? And I was like, oh yeah, what am I doing? I don't need to be the flashlight guy. That,

That's the thing. When you find something you really like, you feel like everybody else should have it. I agree 100%. Knives. I love knives. Oh, yeah. Like cooking knives or just throwing knives? I love every knife. Like I have great cooking knives. I have great cooking knives. Yes, I'm a big cook. And then I do have a cooking show. You should come on and do the cooking show. Sure. I'll have you and Dana Carvey together. Okay. Do the cooking show. Yeah, I'll do it. He eats too. He's a good cook.

I want to say this, and I know that I'm overstepping my boundaries, but we're a little bit like brothers because he was a big runner and drinker, and I'm a big runner and drinker. Yeah. Oh, you run still? Yeah. You're like the guy, I went to go buy new running shoes. I walked in, and the guy goes, I said, can I try these on? He goes, sure, what are you getting them for? Who are you getting them for? I was like, I'm getting them for me. And he's like, well, what are you going to do with them? And I was like...

I was going to run in them. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, you can run in them. And I was like, wait, did you ask that to everyone here? It's like buying condoms. What are you going to use these for? Yeah.

I used to buy Magnum condoms whenever I bought Rogaine. I was embarrassed to buy Rogaine. It comes in a kit, doesn't it? If they sell it together. Yeah. It should come in a kit. But no, I love knives. So I'll buy people knives and give people knives. That's nice. That's a nice gift. Tom taught me to buy people gifts. It's fun to buy people gifts. Tom gives watches. He likes watches. Tom loves watches. He's the reason I got into watches. And I'm not even really into watches. Well, you got one on each wrist. No, this is...

Oh, that's a heart monitor? This is a heart monitor and there's a bracelet my wife got me. Is it really a heart monitor? Yeah, it's a whoop. I can tell you my heart rate right now. Do you know, I'm like that with scissors. I wanted to buy a good pair of scissors just to trim if, you know, like pandemic and stuff. And I went online. I was expecting to buy, you know, spend $300 on one, really good ones. Yeah. And they weren't, they were all like $40. I said, I don't want that crap. Oh, dude, I'm not.

I love what you're talking about. I can get into something so bizarre and then get obsessed with that subgenre. Like scissors is something I'd really get into. Oh, you like the scissors. Well, I... You like sharp things in general. I'm like clippers. I got so many beard trimmers. How about nose hair clippers? Oh, I got nose hair trimmers. Dude, great scissors are hard to come by. When you see...

Like scissors, the kind, the best scissors are the kind that you have to take apart and put back together to use. Have you seen those? No. Because they sharpen them and they take them apart and put them back together. Yeah. But these that I have now are really, I have all those right there on that. It's a set. But you could cut yourself like it's a blade. Oh, yeah. Have you ever had a, I know you've had a beard for a long time, but do you ever have a straight edge shave?

One time. It does not get any closer than that. It does not. To death, too. It was the guy. Did you ever see Anthony Bourdain get a straight edge? No. And the guy was nervous to be on camera. Type in Anthony Bourdain's straight edge shave, and he was bleeding everywhere. The guy cut him so bad. Just do images. And he was bleeding so bad.

It was on his show. Oh, he was ripped in that picture up there. Anthony Bourdain was in great shape. And he was a smoker. And a drinker. You never smoked cigarettes? No. Never drank? Oh, yeah, I drank. You drank? I used to drink. I wasn't like crazy drinking, but I would... Here we go. That's a nice close shave. Is this an exacto knife? Look, you see the guy start shaking? You make me nervous. Oh, my God. It starts getting worse because he's doing his chin.

And the guy's, watch the guy's hands shaking. I've never been filmed like this. Oh. He's cutting the fuck out of his face. Well, some people have that, you know, those little rough skin and you can't help, uh, nixing it up. Do you shave every day? Uh, if I'm not lazy. Yeah. I did have a goatee for a while. For real? I go back and forth. I've had a beard for a very long time. Well, the great thing about, um, like for someone my age, um,

Guys will start getting the jowls and stuff and those little wrinkles around the mouth. So I think, I'm going to grow a goatee that will cover all that up. But then the goatee comes in all gray. So you're going to make a choice. Do you want to look older from a gray hair or just from your face kind of sagging a little bit? You don't look old at all. You look like you haven't aged your whole life. Well, you should see my insides. Like I said, I had four joints replaced. Yeah.

I had a fib, which is not life-threatening unless you let it go. So they fixed that. So I'm like an old boat. They keep patching me up, but they got a lot of nice paint on me. You look great. Thanks, man. I went downstairs and I was talking about

I said, yeah, I think Kevin's 71. The entire room went, he's 71? And I was like, well, yeah. He's old. I was like, no, but I would love to look like you at 71. Like, that would be great. My dad's 77, and he's like, you could tell. I think, well, the other thing is, you look at those guys who worked out like crazy and ran ultra marathons. My dad was a marathon runner, and now his knees are shot, his hips are shot. And you're like, so what's working out do for you? Like, you just should do it very lightly almost. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I used to run a lot on the street. In hindsight, I would never do that. I would run a Mulholland like 10 miles. I did that for like a month. I would do that. Not every day. But yeah, I used to run a lot. I played football and rugby and soccer. So, you know, I took a toll on my joints and I would never do that again. When I see people running down San Vicente, which is a traffic-y, you know, they have that medium in the middle where they run on there. These are crazy. They're breathing in exhaust. Yeah.

They're ruining their knee joints. But it's just what they do. It's what people do. Somebody said once, I don't work out. My body's meant to just keep those greasy joints going. I think that's the valuable thing is like I started lifting weights so that I could – like I wanted to maintain muscles to be able to get out of a chair and stuff. Because that was the one thing I saw with my dad. My dad –

Wait, whose mom fell down yesterday and they had to get the police to get her? Our friend's mom fell down and they had to send the rescue to get her up. No way. Yeah. My mom fell in her house with my dad. Fell together? No, no, no. My mom fell. She would, you know, maybe had a couple glasses of Kim Crawford. My dad tried to get her up and then my dad just went in, came back and brought a pillow and a blanket. And he's like, we'll figure it out tomorrow.

And I was like, and then I heard that. And then my parents fell when we were doing fully loaded. They fell in the ocean. They fell. They had, they had like a lawn chairs at the very foot of the brakes and a wave knocked them both over and neither of them could get up and lifeguards had to get them up. And I told my dad, I go, that's got to change.

And so my dad started doing... No more swimming. No more swimming. No more sitting down. So my dad started doing squats and rowing and walking. And he goes, buddy, the first day I walked, I had it on a one. And I was like, how long is this going to take? And now my dad says he's like walking at a 3.5 and he's going to do our 5K with us. That's great. Him and my mom. But it's like a lot of it... For me, that's why I started lifting weights. I didn't want to get... I didn't ever want to get to a deficit place where I was like, yeah, I just...

you know, my arms are falling apart, you know, or my, yeah, you want to stay ahead of it. I want to stay ahead of it, but I think there's a fine balance about not abusing your body. Oh yeah. Moderation. My father used to say, but here's, first of all, I think you should go into Pilates and forget the weights. For real? Cause that'll stretch you out and that'll make you strong. Do you do Pilates? No, I hate it. No, I would do it, but I don't want it. But I think Pilates and, uh, Oh, I was going to say that.

You know, you think about building up your chest and your arms, you know, and get the abs. But when you get to a certain age, like around my age, you see guys like in their 80s and their ass is sagging. So all of a sudden you think, well, maybe it's time to start doing squats, you know, concentrate on the squats. I posted a picture. I've always been a naked guy, right? I posted a picture of me.

college Overlooking the Appalachian Trail Naked just my butt and then I said I'm gonna recreate the picture and I posted it again of me in my backyard Just the butt my butt has fallen apart so bad that it really made me and I started saying I'm gonna work on squats and get my ass built You're right a saggy old man ass. There's nothing sexy about and then also the back is

Starts to sag. And the balls. Oh, my God. Well, I'm on testosterone. My balls aren't even there anymore. Oh, really? It's just a sack. How much testosterone do you take? A lot.

Is it healthy? I think so. We'll see. We'll see. I mean. Oh, my God. Look at those pictures. Oh, my God. That's the worst. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, that's like an elephant on the far right. Yeah. Is that a vagina? Oh, that does look like an elephant. That's an elephant. Oh, my God. I think that's bed sores. Oh, maybe it is. Scaling of the buttocks. You got to admit, though, kind of hot, though. Kind of hot.

Yeah. Look at that. That guy's got a name on the back of his. I am definitely going to do, I'm working on my ass. You got to do the squats. It's got to be cool to be like, cause I have 50, uh, I'm 52. Yeah.

At 52, I go, oh, what if I get Alzheimer's? What if I get dementia? What if I get this? What if I get that? At 71, you get to go, I didn't get any of that shit. I know. I know. I didn't get any of that. That's crazy. No ALS, no Lou Gehrig's, no none of that. You got nothing. You just are healthy. I don't know about that. You know what I've been doing? Not lately, but I've done this before. There was a time when I was leaving the stove on and my wife got really worried.

But it wasn't like high. It was very low because I think I turned it the wrong way and the pilot light was still on. And then I think... And then the other day, this happened twice. The first time she didn't know it and I discovered it. I poured a glass of milk. I took the glass out of the cupboard, poured a glass of milk, put the milk in the glass cupboard and shut the door. I went away. She videotaped the kitchen. She opened up the cupboard door and there was the milk in there. So she's really worried about me. So...

she wanted me to go in for a dementia test, which is scary. Oh, my God. And her therapist says, don't make anybody go in for one of those. That's really scary to have to do that because you don't want to know really if you have dementia because there's nothing they can do, right? There's nothing they can do. To fix it. I leave the remote control in the fridge.

Like I've been doing that for a long time. Thank God, buddy. We're the same boat, man. I literally, as I'm talking to you, I'm like trying to write things down. So I go, I know I'm going to forget this. Like I just, but I also think it's like, I think you, if you have dementia, you really know. But it comes gradually though. I can't remember people's names like that I've known for a long time. Okay. You know what though? I couldn't remember Lee Major's name the other day. I think it was the $6 million thing. I've done that.

- Really? - I've done that, oh yeah. - And then I don't want somebody to tell me, I wanna work it out. - I love that, I love that, working it out. By the way, I did that the other night in bed. I was like, what was the name? - What is my name? - You ready? I said, what country is Dua Lipa from? Now I know what country, 'cause I know-- - What country is what? - Dua Lipa. - Oh, okay. - Just randomly, my brain said, what country is Dua Lipa from?

And I was like, okay, I know when I lived in Serbia. You lived in Serbia? Yeah, for doing a movie. I was just in there for three months. I was like, I know it's close to Serbia. I know that it was never a part of Yugoslavia. I know that it's not Chechnya. I know it's not Croatia. I know it's not. Just those names is pretty impressive. As I'm doing it. And I just sat with it all day. And I was like, I know it. I know it. I know it. And all of a sudden I'm sitting there and I go, fucking Albania. And I was like, kid's not got dementia. Albania. It took me all day. Albania. Albania.

I do that all the time. Yeah. Okay, that's good to know. But then you go on stage and your act comes off like this. You're like, grrrr, and you're like, there's no way someone with dementia can do their act. Well, you know Glen Campbell. Yeah. He had dementia. But he could sing songs. But he was still before. He remembered all the lyrics, how to play the guitar. Then that's fine. If I get dementia, I just do stand-up a lot.

I just walk around with a mic in my hand and I'm like, Hey, what's your name? Where are you from? I'm your wife. I live here. What do you do for a living? I don't have a job. You know that bird. I guess it's a longterm memory. You remember, but it's a short term. You don't remember. So they remember how to play songs and stuff. That's crazy. No, I, I was, I was actually concerned about it for a second. Cause I, I'm a hypochondriac and I think when Bruce Willis got it, I was like, Oh, I know. Right. And then, and then, uh, I did Tampa and, uh,

People that I grew up with were coming up to me and I was like I was like Paula How you doing? She was like you remember my name and I was like fuck. Yes, I do I knew everyone's name I grew up with I don't remember people's names like like when I went I went to Super Bowl and it's like this I'm just like uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, and my hearings going I think oh it is like I think so if I'm in a bar I can't hear anybody. Oh, no. Well, that's understandable. Yeah, you know I have a friend who has hearing aids and

And he said, do you know when you need a hearing aid? When you find yourself saying what a lot. I don't even say what. I just go, sure. Yeah. Sure. And they're like, you really want to storm the Capitol? I'm like, what? Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

I also think it's like, I also write it off to, okay, if I quit drinking tomorrow, then everything comes right back. I'd be like sharp as a tack. Well, you told me the last time I ran into you is you said you're cutting back on the drink. I cut back drastically. Like for like three months I didn't drink and I felt phenomenal. And it was so hard to start drinking again that I said to myself, I'm never going to quit because it's so hard to start. I'm like that with sweets.

I gave up sweets for six months once, and I have a real problem with sweets. For real? Yeah. What's your go-to sweet? Whatever's there. Like if you go to the store, are you a Sour Patch guy? Well, here's what I am. Not so much sour. That's a little too tart. I love the double chocolate Milano cookies. Put a bag in that little shopping cart, and as I'm shopping for other stuff, I'll be eating them. The bag is finished by the time I get to the cash register. Oh, my God.

And I pay for the bag, basically. Just paid for the bag. Yeah. But I love all kinds of, I mean, chocolate chip cookies. Yeah, all of that stuff. I was just talking to a football player about the best desserts are the hot cookie or a hot brownie with ice cream on it, with caramel all over it. Peach cobbler for me. Oh, my God. But you would eat that, even though you're not a sweet guy? No.

You know what? No. Like when sweets show up at the table, I don't. But it looks good. It looks amazing. Sometimes I'll go, the only one I cannot say no to, and I don't know, this is like a weird, it's a weird one, is key lime pie. Oh, yeah, yeah. If I see key lime pie, I know that it was meant to be in my life.

Like if it shows up, then I go, there's a reason it's here. And I'm not going to deny that reason. Is it the real key lime pie that's not green? My mouth's watering right now. We stayed at a place in New Hampshire. It was a theater. I forget the name of it. Where in New Hampshire? Do you remember it? Manchester? I don't know. I don't remember. Yeah, it gets to be like that. When I first met Sarah... Boralas? Sarah Silverman, she said she was from New Hampshire. And I said, oh, cool. She goes...

You look like you don't, you don't, you want to say something. I go, I don't know where New Hampshire is. She was like, you don't know where New Hampshire is. Albania. You're talking about Albania. But no, we played in New Hampshire at some place in New Hampshire and they had, and I think about this like once a week, they had frozen chocolate dipped key lime pies on a stick. So they had a slice of key lime pie that they dipped in chocolate and then had them in the freezer and you could eat as many as you want. And I had three.

I'm like that with ice cream sandwiches. Milford. Guilford. Guilford. Could be Milford. I don't know where that is. You grew up in Connecticut, right? I did grow up in Connecticut, but my grandparents lived in Kittery, Maine, which is right across the New Hampshire border above Portsmouth. Really? We go up there every year. And it was beautiful. And also I have a, this is quite an interesting story. I was going up to Maine to an island called Islesboro.

excuse me. And my mother said, Oh, you're going up there. You should look up your great, great, great, great grandfather. He was a ship captain and he died and they buried him in a Protestant cemetery there. It's a very small Island. And, uh, so I thought, okay, what's, what's his name? Elihu was the last name Elihu. And I said, okay, so I find, I can't find the, the,

the cemetery. So I find this Protestant minister. I knock on his door and I could see him across the room. He's, you know, the house he's eating, he's finishing breakfast or something. Can I help you? And I say, sure. Yeah, I'm looking for the Protestant cemetery. I'll show you where it is. So we get in the car and he's driving me down this road that becomes a dirt road and then kind of grass in the middle, then all grass. And then it stops. And he looks out the window. It's right over there.

And I get out, it's all bushes. I said, he goes, yeah, you got to look through the bushes and stuff. And, uh, and there's like markers, you know, these little stone markers with the dates on them and the little names and they're leaning over. And I looked for like a half hour. I couldn't find it. So I go back to him. I said, he goes, did you find it? I said, I can't find it. He goes, did you look up in the trees?

the trees over years will pick up the marker, the gravestone, and it'll grow up with the tree. So there would be markers up in the tree, gravestones. It's like a Stephen King kind of a story. Oh my God. And I've seen that happen with bikes before where it brings the bike up. I've seen that. I think I saw that with a car. I saw it with a battleship. It was crazy, man. And it was a little birch tree. It'll grow into the tree. Yeah, it'll just- That's wild. Yeah, look at that gravestone right there. That'll take it up.

I kind of almost now want to be buried. And the day I'm buried, plant like an oak right next to my tombstone. So it gets brought up in the tree and I end up up. And then your body's almost in the tree too. Your face is sticking out a little bit. Yeah. Just like that. You know, they, they beheaded Oliver Cromwell, uh, after he was dead. Oh, better. That's better. Yeah.

If you had to behead somebody, I know you like knives. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you do a slow cut or would you do an ax or would you do like a big scissor kind of thing or a carving knife? I would do a big... What did you use last time? The last time I did it, I was wrong. I tried to do paper cuts and it just took forever. Yeah, you need that legal pad paper. No, I always think like when they went to behead...

I was a little obsessed with beheading because I was obsessed with history. And when they went to behead Marie Antoinette, they found out she had a, no, no, was it Marie Antoinette? She had her dog with her and she had a wig on.

Her wig fell off They all wore weeks back then I know but I think people also just were like, oh, that's what you look like. Oh, yeah Yeah, that's what your head looks like rolling down the street I would use a I would use one of those big big axes I think you want a lot of the energy cartoon X like a car Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't think I could behead somebody. Oh

If you had to, you would. - Yeah, if I knew something hurt my daughters, I could definitely kill them. - Yeah. - I would have definitely killed them. - Are you okay watching like gory TV? - I can't watch, you have a horror movie coming out called Inhabitants.

You are such a researcher and really impressed. And, uh, thank you for all that work. Thank you. It comes out February 14th on Apple TV. Is it the 14th? Yeah, it is. I got to tell you something. I, I, uh, I've done like, I have five films coming out this year, but they're small films. I've done like one or two a couple of years ago. And, uh,

Are you going to have me go more too? Yeah. Okay, keep going. And I'm watching TV. There's a trailer for a movie and it looks really scary. I go, oh my God, this looks good. And I'm watching it and then they cut to my scene. I'm in a scene. I'm in a crystal shop like selling crystals. Oh, that's that movie. Is that Inhabitants? Yeah, it's Inhabitants. The premise is there's a boy

I know he's a man, but he looks like a boy to me in the movie. But he's a young man, and he's married, and he gave up the church, and the guy that he went to camp with, who was his camp counselor, who was kind of like really indoctrinating the church, is now haunting him. And then he brings his mom back, who still has faith, to try to get rid of the spirit, correct? I have no idea. No.

I had no idea. I didn't read it. I got to see this movie. It sounds good. Yeah, that's the gist of it. You know, from the trailer, you can see it. This is what I like to do. I like to go to a movie set and the director comes over and he goes, hey, we're really happy to have you here. I said, I'm happy to be here and I can't wait to read the script. Will I have a little time to read it? We should have read it. Is there ever a place you won't be funny?

Like where you go? No, because like we talked about before, I'm trying to lighten up things because that makes me feel more comfortable. Yeah. But I guess, I mean, I've done memorials before where, you know, I try to be funny. You did, whose memorial did you do that I just recently? I've done. Shanling's? I did Shanling's. I did Norm MacDonald's.

I did Tom Sikora. Oh, no, I did not do his. You'll be doing his. You should start working on that right now. I've got it. I know how it starts. You do? Looks like I won. I'm still here. I think everyone in this room is as shocked as I am that it's me doing his and not vice versa. It's such a great line. You hope that he dies. Yeah. Quickly. I did this Gary Shanley one. I have people coming up to me. Would you do my memorial afterwards? Would you do, you know?

But I've done a few. How do you prepare for Gary Shandling's memorial? Well, you wait for him to die first. Well, you know, he died, which was a total shock because he'd never done that before. And so we were really great friends. It was like you and Tom. And

They didn't have the memorial until like a month later. So I had plenty of time when I was on the road. I would put the headphones on, listen to sad music or music we used to listen to and just write my memories of him. And I had like a month to do it. So, um,

It was really the first thing I've ever prepared for in my life. Really? Yeah, yeah. So that's kind of what you do. And also I found that it's the best audience because they're all in tune. They're listening. There's not a blender going on in the back. It's a little funny goes a long way. A little funny is the savior. When you talk about, you know,

the times used to have and people start getting choked up and then bam, you hit them with a joke and they laugh harder because they're looking for that escape. Yeah. I mean, and it's, it's, um, yeah, it's true. It's like after 911, I think there was a certain time you had to wait for anything, even like the fires and, you know, and then people are looking for something to bring them back up again. Whose memorial did you do better at? Like if you had to post one online and you're like, which one would get more likes? Shandling's or Norm's? Um,

Probably Shandling's. Norm's, my favorite line with the Norm one was, everybody's saying how brave his comedy was and courageous. And I said, I think it was just poor judgment. Just totally poor judgment on his part. It's crazy that in OJ's death, all they did was post Norm clips. OJ died. The only thing that went out was all Norm roasting OJ. Yeah.

Kind of wild. Yeah. I love those Norm clips now. They're showing up. I didn't realize he was that funny. Do you know what I mean? I'm serious. I never, I thought Norm was just kind of a, you know, a wise guy and, you know, but then he started playing all these clips. I go, that's hilarious. Oh, he's. His book is great. He was one of the guys that like we all discovered.

Like when the internet showed up and then all of us have been doing standup for a while and we knew who Norm was, but we didn't like, you know, you only knew the Norm show or dirty work or you, his SNL stuff. But like, he didn't really get the props I think that he deserved. And then when the internet showed up, I remember the first clip was the clip of Carrot Top where he goes, uh, he's with Courtney, Courtney Smith. And she was like, I'm doing a movie with...

And Coney goes, Norm, you got a joke about that? And she goes, what's it called? And he goes, Chairman of the Board. And Norm goes, is it spelled B-O-R-E-D? I mean, that was the first clip of Norm's where everyone's like, I got to deep dive him. I mean, his favorite joke of mine was he goes, my dad's a country guy, lived out in the country.

I was with him the first time he saw an elevator. Do you know this joke? No. He goes, yeah. I like the impression, though. The door's open, and a big old fat lady gets in it, and my dad didn't know what it was. The door's closed, and then they open again, and a beautiful woman comes out of it, and my dad looks at me and goes, Norm, go get your mom. That's a good joke. Norm was... The thing I liked about Norm, I don't have this, but Norm didn't mind the silence

In you waiting to get the joke. For a long time. Like he could do it. And then if you didn't get it. He wasn't rushing it. He was like, okay. Like I was... One of my favorite Norm stories. And I only have a handful. Was...

I was doing a big, I was going to do a big show because my special was coming out March 17th. It comes out the 18th this year. It came out the 17th that year. Like I've always, my specials have always dropped on like one of two days. And, um, I was going to do a big St. Patrick's day call and sick to work show. Everyone's going to show up at 10 a.m. at the store and we're going to do shows and day drinking all the way until like nine o'clock at night. And I had everyone, I had like Spade, Norm. Um, I,

And everyone, Sebastian, Joe, it was stacked. And Colin... Quinn? No. Colin Farrell? Stay at home. It was Colin Zygdork. The stay at home orders came in on the 13th. So everyone's for pandemic. What do you do when you have a back-to-back show? What do you mean? When you do two shows a night. Do you ever do that? Yeah. How does the second one go? It goes great. It does? Yeah.

I don't drink on stage. Oh, you don't? No. I think that's the misnomer of me is I think people think I'm drunk. Like I ran into a person. I can't say his name because Ari said it's name dropping. It was John Legend. And John Legend said to me the other night, he goes, we're about to do a benefit. And he was like, oh, John Mayer. John Mayer. I'm sorry, not John Legend. It's better if it's John Legend. And so he goes, on a scale of 1 to 10, how drunk are you right now?

Said not he was know like how many beers have you had and I said zero Oh, so you don't drink at all before you go on. No. No never I never do like I have but I don't primarily I would never do that I would so if we do two shows I won't drink on the first show and then on the second show I'll have a drink when I start the machine story at the end. So but um, what was I saying? You're talking about Norm norm. Yeah, so stay at home order start on the 13th on the 17th We're supposed to do the show. We've all been in our house for four days now. Oh

And I got a text from Norm. I think it was a text or a phone call. And he's like, what time should I be at the club? And I write back, I don't think we're doing the show today, Norm. He said, why not? And I said, stay at Home Orders. And he goes, what's that? And I said, there's a pandemic right now. And he goes, seriously, what time should I be there? And then I just was like, I don't know how to answer. But he didn't mind answering.

sending the joke text and if you didn't get it and maybe it upset, it didn't bother him. No. Like I liked that. No, nothing bothered him. No, he was a character. I got tons of stories about Norm, but yeah. And nobody knew he was sick the last nine years. Really? It was nine years? And I would work with him

And I would see him all different weights. He'd be bloated. Then he'd be thin from all the medicine he was taking. And he would walk the room sometimes. People just leave. Or people thought he was drunk, but it was the medicine he was taking. In hindsight, I realized that. But Norm was, he was- He didn't tell anybody? He told our manager, Mark Erbitz. Oh, really? And his son and his friend, Laurie, Laurie Jo.

But, um, and me and Dana, he told Dana too. And, uh, he told, um, the, um, the VFW downtown. Yeah. And the Mason club, the Mason, uh, and that girl scout troop 25. And, uh, the people in Albania knew. And car salesman. That's it. I wish I had that ability. Yeah.

But yeah, he was something. Well, let me see if I have any more questions. I could sit and talk to you for another hour. Oh, I know. It's just fun. You're so... So dry. I know that you...

You're such a legend, and it's like... But you've always been understated. Like, you've never... You're not like a guy that walks in with an entourage. You're not someone that makes a stink. If you're doing spots at the improv, and you've been doing them since the improv started, like, you're not someone who's, like, going in and bumping people. No. You're just a...

You're like the stereotype of what we should all be or strive for. I wish I had a posse. I mean, when I came in here and I saw you got like 12 people working for you, I thought, geez, why don't I do this? I should get some people just hanging around with laptops. I know. They put on screen protectors so I can't see what they're doing. Oh, really? Yeah, and then I go, well, don't put the screen protector on. They're like, I don't want people to see my work. And you're like, you're working for me. I should be able to look over your shoulder. Red 7 on the black 8. Yeah.

All right, let's see. I'm really impressed at how much work you do. I'm excited to... Do you have a dog? You ran out of stuff to research. Do you like music? I do love music. What's your favorite band? My favorite band? Yeah. Right now? Mozart.

No, I don't have a favorite band. I grew up loving old school music, Clapton and the Stones and Beatles, James Taylor. Oh, yeah. But now it's, I was on an Ed Sheeran role for a little bit there. He's getting sued for $100 million. He did? For what? For copyright infringement. Didn't you go through that once before? Maybe I saw an old news clip.

My bad. You've been spreading that around though, right? Yeah, a lot. That and Sam Cooke was shot while I was a woman. That's one I kept putting out there and someone was like, you know that's not real, right? No, I didn't know that. I wrote Vietnam and I don't know why.

I led a platoon in Vietnam for 30 years. No, I'm kidding. Vietnam, no, I don't. Oh, I was at the tail end of Vietnam, the draft. Were you nervous? I was kind of nervous because they posted the numbers in our college.

And I looked, I was number 67. But it was at the end of the war anyway. They weren't like, I was near the end of everything then. That would have been nice to go in and just hit dingers. Like be a second string. Just when they got their second string in. Yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah. I get what you're saying. It's like the end of the Super Bowl when they start putting the. The soldiers that aren't as good as. Just to go over there and take a knee and let the fuck run out. Yeah.

But it was the same with Woodstock. I was not quite old enough to go to, I was like 16 or so. So I just, I was like right in the middle of everything. You know, not quite old enough, not quite young enough. Yeah, you're younger than, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is interesting. You're old enough, you're the disco generation. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I used to do open mic night comedy in a disco. Really? Yeah, in La Cienega. And it was called The Cave or something. Well, I got to tell everyone, this book, you drew all the pictures in this. Yeah. And it's really impressive. You're a really good artist. Thank you. You're a really good artist. I like doing it. I've been drawing for most of my life. But they were just doodles and nothing really focused and no lessons.

And then just during the pandemic, I thought, I'm just start doing this. And these are all what I think is cool about this book. These are all your interactions with the people you've doodled. And there's like Freddie Mercury. Well, I didn't, I didn't, I never met him, but it's my experiences with concerts in general. Oh yeah. Prince is in here. Prince I met. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of people. Dana's in there. Lauren Michaels in there.

Christopher Walken, he does not like his. Really? Yeah. See if you find it. Was it about that night on the boat with Natalie Wood? No. Let me see if I can find it. No. It was, I like this Howard Stern one. Howard Stern. There you go. Howard Stern. But this Christopher. Is he, are all his interviews remote now? Oh, Christopher Walken didn't like his picture. No, he didn't like his picture. I don't know if you can see it.

Yeah, I can see why you love that picture. And that means everybody wants it. Everybody wants the picture now. That's a good looking picture though. That's a cool picture. Yeah, that's a fun one. That's a fun one. This is really, Maggie Gyllenhaal. I started having gallery showings. Some guy. Oh, she went to one. You did? And Brentwood? How was it? Oh, yeah. This is her book. Well, autograph it if you want. Peyton and Eli Manning. Oprah. The Peyton Manning brothers.

Oh, that's not Oprah. That's Tiffany Haddish. Kurt Cobain. That's Competti. Gary Shandling. Gary Shandling. Yeah. Pointer Sisters. I was going to say Destiny's Child. You were going to say Dixie Six. Dixie Six. Elvis. John Travolta. My dad, Billy Eyelash. I like her. Oh, yeah. She's the best. My dad referenced John Travolta the other day. He goes, you know the guy from Welcome Back, Cotter? I go, Dad, I do because I know you, but that is a...

Yeah. There they are. There you go. Chris Farley came out pretty well. Yeah. That's one dude I wish I had met. I would have loved to meet him. Yeah, he was something. Talk about not saying no. Foof. Yeah.

Well, Kevin, this has been a blast. Thank you so much. Thanks, man. And Inhabitants comes out February 14th. Come see me in the good light. There's a documentary at one best film at Sundance. Everyone's talking about it. Check out both of those. Hiking with Kevin. And then Hiking with Kevin. I'd love to do it sometime. Oh, man, I would love to have you. I know you're busy, but sometime. The one you did with Spade was like the one that was like,

I was like, what's cool about you guys is you guys all have such a shorthand with each other. Yeah. And you guys all have such shared personalities where you joke so quickly. You and Conan are like so good together. Yeah. You and everyone. I mean, there's a testament to the man you are and the way we all look up to you and the way we admire you is your friend group is the best friend group in comedy.

It's the best. It's Sandler. It was Norm. It was Shanling. It's David. It's Sarah, Dana. I mean, your friend group is so thick. I love comedians. You know, we feel so comfortable together.

And it's nice to get to know you too. I've seen you around a long time, but I never really got the opportunity to, I had the opportunity, but I chose not to take it. But no, it's been nice hanging out. I think we can hang out a lot if you weren't so busy and desperate for attention. Yeah.

That was a great episode. Yeah. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top of the other, wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.