Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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100% What's up, everybody? This is AI Tom. This episode was recorded before they identified the goofball who shot the UnitedHealthcare CEO. Stay proud, stay black. Burt is fat. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. My regular co-host is actually speaking at a Nazi rally in Ohio. And sitting in for him is the great Matt McCusker, everybody. Let him hear it.

Before I forget, you can get tickets to see Matt at mattmcusker.com. He's on the road. And of course, you can listen to Matt and Shane's secret podcast wherever podcasts are available. Never gets old saying that, does it? Right. Wherever they're available. Wherever they're available. Anywhere. Anywhere. So many places. Go to my computer and access the files themselves. You can get the original MP3s from Matt. And you guys are huge Patreon guys, too. Yeah, big Patreon guys. Yeah.

You're business savvies? I think so. I think we're pretty savvy. I think you are too. That's what I always tell myself, man. Whenever I get too spun out about all the personality bullshit, I always just say, look, I'm a small business owner. What do you want from me? I'm just running a small business, dude. I've told so many people that I think all of us, if you do stand up,

Whether you see it this way or not, it doesn't matter. It's objectively true. You're an entrepreneur. Like your business is what you, your comedy and how you present it and everything, but you're a business owner. Yeah. I feel like it takes the heat off. Otherwise, you become the commodity and if people don't, yeah, that's where it gets personal. Like, this sucks. You're like, well, it's me. I'm the product and I don't...

Really appreciate you saying that very much. This reminds me of when I shaved my face a few weeks ago and everyone was like, I hate your face. What? I go, this is my face, bro. This isn't like... It's my face. It's not a turkey sandwich. This is my face. And people were... This guy came up to me at a bar...

And he goes, fucking, it's good the beard's back. And I go, yeah. And he goes, yeah, that was bad. And I go, it wasn't that bad. And he goes, nah, it was bad. And I go, what the fuck, man? Why are you doing this to me? And he's like, it looks really, I go, my face? My face looks so bad? He was like, yeah, dude, that sucked. You look terrible. I was like, what the fuck? I had to shave for the show. You know about this show. Holy shit, yeah.

Oh my God. Dude, you look like a totally different guy. I know. You know, I did. I didn't fuck. I didn't look like the guy who shot the United healthcare CEO. Yeah.

Are you sure you didn't do it? That was last week. We could have got our guy. Dude. It is kind of similar. Did you inscribe? You know we inscribed the bullets. Yeah, deny. Yeah. And delay. Yeah, and depose or something. Can I tell you that... What the fuck, dude? I think you killed that guy. I know. The...

There I am. Oh, dude. Do you know that NYPD released those images a couple days ago? And I'm just on my phone, and I see them. Yeah. You know, sometimes you just get the... People think you're like really... I'm just like, whatever. I put them in my stories, those photos, and I just put wanted, right? You were just ringing the alarm bell? I was just like... It's like...

This guy's wanted. You put up a wanted poster? Yeah, I put up a wanted poster in my stories. Can I tell you though- That's pretty cool. What was crazy? Because I was just like, it was breaking news. Yeah, it was. And I was like, he's wanted. So many people replied like, nah, I'm not turning him in. Oh, I know. And I'm like, yeah, he fucking killed somebody on the sidewalk. And they're like, nah. Should have offered a bounty for him.

Fucking really crazy. The way that this murder is, people are going like, well. People are pumped. Yeah, it's really crazy. I was just reading about the fact that people are celebrating the fact that this guy just got shot in his front door. Yeah. They're like, good. Good. Good. Really insane. Yeah, it's pretty fucking. And I know that that business is really brutal, and that company in particular has a horrible reputation. They do, yeah. But to just be like, good, good.

To the guy dying on the sidewalk? Yeah, it's like when old senators die and they're like, fuck you, go to hell, you piece of shit. And you're like, all right, that's a little much. I mean... This guy, yeah, that does suck, man. It's like he was just checking his, like, sales force early in the morning and just got... He's going into the meeting, like the big quarterly returns meeting or whatever it is. Yeah. Although the thing is, well, I have two questions. The first is an observation. It's like if you get...

Like, if your, like, mother just dies of cancer and, like, you kept getting, like, your paperwork blocked, it's like, I get that would fill you with a murderous rage. Yeah. But, yeah, you're not allowed to go and shoot the guy. Well, yeah. It's cancer rules. It's cancer law. This is the civilized society. Yeah, true. I mean...

Well, here's the thing. If they let like 10,000 just of like loved ones slowly die in a bed, that's the argument. It's like, is it worse to like quietly if you turn people into like paperwork? That's what they're saying. How many deaths is this guy responsible for? Right. Yeah. So like you can live in it. But then here's the thing. If he wasn't responsible for all those deaths, he wouldn't be the CEO. So yeah. Yeah.

He's good at his job. He's so good. He's really good at it. People are talking about, because I think we're going to learn who this guy is eventually, because I'll just be clear, it's not me. He's still at large. But the thing is, it's going to be a... He's smiling right now. He's got a nice smile. He does, actually. Look at that. That's a nice smile. You know he got Starbucks right before, too.

And he rode a bike out of there. Shit. Shit. What about your face? I might be a suspect right now, too. We don't see a hood on you. You got a nice smile. Yeah, he had Starbucks right before, man. But I think this story is going to be this obvious, especially with those inscriptions on the bullet casings, you know? Yeah, I know. That it's going to be some payback, like revenge type thing. For sure. Because everyone's like, this guy's a professional, you know, like hitman. You're like, I don't like to do that.

But the thing that makes it seem professional is that his gun jams more than once when you see the unedited footage. Really? Yeah, and he doesn't panic at all. He's just like, you know, pulls the slide back. What?

holy shit because most people if you're like i'm gonna do this thing and your gun jams they fucking freak out right yeah people freak out all the time when they go this is how i would handle a home invasion you're like okay and then it really happens and they fucking lose their minds dude you freeze you're done but somebody who's just like composed in that that does make you go this feels a lot more and inscribe the bullets i just learned that like moments ago i didn't know he inscribed yeah

Kind of a drama... It's a drama queen move. It's a total drama... And it's a message, right? It's a big message. Yeah. Although, this is the worst part. This is the only thing that can possibly make them kind of be a little more lenient with their policies. Well, the thing is, whenever there's an act of terror, people go like...

you know, this is not the way to do this, but the reason that people commit acts of terror is to get you to discuss and like make their point bigger, right? And it's like, since this guy has done this,

Everybody is talking about UnitedHealthcare's policies. I know. It actually was the effective move. Yeah, that's why they put you in Guantanamo Bay for it. It works very well. It works, yeah. It's very effective. There was some guy who wrote a book claiming that all throughout history, the only time there's been meaningful wealth transfers have been after disasters, like huge wars, natural disasters, or kind of coups. So he's like, yeah. I mean, it's a shame. It still is bad. It's like you're going down, you know.

Well, some of them make you... I mean, like McVeigh, right? Blew up the Oklahoma City and killed all these people. He's like, well, yeah, I mean, it was for a bigger purpose. What was his big thing? What was it? It was about, like, government. What was Mc... Type in what his motive was, because I think it was...

Yeah, it was for handling a Ruby Ridge incident. Oh, that's what it was. The federal government. Right, but that didn't affect that. No one goes like, you're right because you blew up this building. Or was his bomb too small?

I don't know. It was a pretty effective bomb. It was a pretty big bomb. It was a pretty big bomb. Yeah, true. That didn't really do anything. And also, the government's too big and it's too nebulous of a target. But hitting a health care... That's like, you know, if you blew up a meter maid, people would be like, well, I don't want to get tickets. I know. So yeah, the guy had like a... And the city would be like, all right, these tickets are a little aggressive. True. True.

All right, we'll give you 14 days before we double it. We're sorry about that. Austin's pretty good about the tickets. Philly's, like, ruthless. Yeah. They give you, I think they give you, like, I forget what it was. It was, like, 10 days, and then they double it.

And if you have more than two outstanding tickets, you're automatically on the boot list. And they come take your car. Really? I've gotten, I had two of my cars taken from. Boston's like that. Boston's aggressive. Yeah. With the tickets. Very aggressive. I owe the Philadelphia Parking Authority still like, I think now they want, I think it's like five or $7,000. I love that show so much. The reality show. It's so good.

Fucking A, man. Yeah. I talked to the one lady the one time. It can stay on a marathon and I'll just keep going. It's good, man. I went down there once. I think they took a Ford Contour off me. You can go to your car to get your belongings out of your car. It's

So I went to get my belongings. You have to write on a piece of paper what they took from you or what's in your car that you're reclaiming. And I wrote a giant dildo. And you have to hand it to the person at the counter and they have to bring it to someone in the back and get it approved. It's really funny. Did you have a giant dildo? No, I didn't have a giant dildo. I actually had a blunt that fell out behind the seat. Did you ask for that? I wanted to go get that.

And I had some other stuff, too, that I wanted, but I was after that blunt. But I did put Giant Dildo, and they were kind of laughing. Oh, that's good. It's good that they have a sense of humor. They did kind of laugh. It seems like they do on the show.

Yeah, I mean, they kind of get broken down. I've said the meanest shit to those people, and they would give it back to me. But there was this one lady the one time, she gave me a ticket, and I was like, come on, man, that is bullshit. And I was like, fuck you, I hope you die. And she was like, I hope your mother gets cancer. That's what she said to me back. The meter maid. Yes, I was like, I hope you die. And she goes, I hope your mother gets cancer. And I was like, if you were my mom, I would... She said something like, would you say that to me if I was my mom? And I was like, if you were my mom, I'd fucking kill myself.

And she was like, I hope your mother gets cancer. And we just had this exchange, and I was like, yeah, whatever. That's awesome. We both got it out of our system. I was kind of, by the end of it, I was kind of laughing. She got so ruthless, and I was like, that's kind of funny. That's pretty funny. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. How do you stay cozy during the winter months? Me, I like to wrap up in a blanket, go out by the fire pit,

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Offer ends December 26, 2024. One promo per order not valid on orders containing alcohol. Terms apply. I mean, that's also like a great kind of advertisement for Philly. Yeah. It kind of summarizes the city. Yeah, it does. People are very on edge, man. I didn't realize it.

Until I was here for like six months, I went to Baltimore to do a show and I got off the plane. I'm not lying. Like I got off and I just like looked at people's faces when I came into the terminal and

And, like, everyone... I was like, did people just get in an argument here? And I was like, I thought they were... It was, like, post-fight energy. And I came in, I'm like, oh, yeah, this is just people who are just sourpussing all the time. Yeah. Yeah. I think some of that is, like... I mean, there's a culture to a city. I can't say... I think weather is underrated. I think weather affects the shit out of people. Yeah. Being in... And then, like, the hustle of a northeastern big city is just a different thing. Yeah. You know, like...

shoulder to shoulder you know like on the streets and like it's there's slush and shit on the ground and yeah true people just fighting for position more they're jockeying for position yeah you have after like 10 of those interactions a day of like you and another person walking in the same trajectory and like either giving or being like I'm not fucking moving it does do something to your psychology I don't do that I don't have to deal with that like at all I don't there's never anyone on the sidewalk

Yeah. And there's shit, too. I just think of entering buildings, like holding a door, opening a door, and then you're in some Philly or Baltimore, and someone's like, hold the fucking door, man. That kind of like, that doesn't really happen here. That's just like a very regional thing. Yeah, true. New York has that, too, depending on the neighborhood. Yeah. It's aggressive. It is. It is unnecessarily. I think it's unnecessarily.

Because I always, whenever I go to New York, I try to be like very, very nice and try to like break the mold. And it's just, I've made no progress. But I feel like so many New Yorkers are actually so nice. You can just get into pockets where it's the opposite. Yeah. I feel like they're nice if you talk to them. But if you ever ask someone for directions in New York, they look at you like, get the fuck out of here. I know. And then like I was in Tokyo. How was that? It was amazing. That's what I've heard. I heard it's awesome.

best food i've ever had in my life hands down everything was everything what tomatoes lettuce uh crab meat everything was the best i've ever had fruit everything was the best that's crazy it was so it was so good and um a couple times i stopped random people looking for places and they stop whatever they're doing to help you what yeah

All of them. Are they a big producer of produce and stuff? I didn't think they... It's just an island. I didn't think they had a lot of room to grow it. It's just that they are perfectionists. True. And so everything they do, it's like you find the places, like the coffee place is like, this guy has been working on how to make the perfect cup of coffee for 50 years, and he does nothing else. Yeah, yeah. Also, people take great pride in...

jobs that are seemingly mundane like the cashier has like proud to be the cat you know things like that where you're like it's just like this system of of excellence so i mean i'm telling you like we the first salad we had we were all like what the fuck really or like even so you it's known that you can obviously get like kobe beef and wagyu is like you know japanese like specialties but like

So I had a chef, my chef friend was with me, Philip Lee. And he was like, you know, in the States, most of the time, if you're at a hotel, the idea is if you want to get a good meal, leave the hotel. Like it's going to be a lower quality meal at the hotel. But in Japan, hotels have some of the best food. Really? So we were in the lobby of our hotel, like the place like I just want to get something to eat.

And I had a sirloin. And I'm telling you, we took a bite. I was like, this is the top three steak of my entire life. It was all like that. Everything that we ate there was like that. Yeah, we could import some of that here, whatever that is going on. Whatever's going on inside people in Japan, we need to take that here. And a funny thing about import is that we obviously went to have sushi. So the way that sushi works is that there's a fish market, right? And they bring out, like, this is the top tier, let's say, tuna, right?

And then people can bid on it. And then it goes in quality, like quality kind of spectrum, right? So like the highest, highest quality stuff will go to like these restaurants, sushi places that demand that and command it. And then it works its way on down. Okay. The highest quality sushi is,

that you can buy from Japan in the United States is too low for them to serve in Japan. - What? - So like when you're here and they go like, this is the best flown in today from Japan, Japan's like, yeah, you can keep that shit. - That's the worst. - Yeah, we don't want it. - That's so funny. - So that's like the difference of,

of like quality that's crazy because I've been to those sushi places and I'm like it can't get any better exactly this is so good yeah that's and that's like and it is good we eat it here and it's good but over there they're like this is a whole there's a whole other level you don't know about Jesus Christ that's crazy and then it's on an airplane it's flown

Yeah, I thought maybe like I was like, maybe this stuff is better because it's not being like thrown around in boxes. Everyone's handling it like every tomato is handled very delicately. You watch somebody make an omelet there and it's just like performing surgery and they're just like, here you go. Yeah, that's that documentary, Jiro Dreams of Sushi. Yeah. It's very similar. That was really cool to watch. Yeah. My problem is like, why can't we get into making omelets and stuff? What's in our brains that doesn't allow us to like make a salad and just be totally into it and like take pride in it?

I don't know. I think that it really is like a... It probably starts at home. It's a cultural thing, right? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, let's just say it. Asian excellence. They're just fucking better. They are, dude. They're just better, dude. They are. I want to try to figure out what that is. I'm not saying all of them. True, yeah. True, I don't want to start a stereotype, but... No, no, no. Yeah, it is kind of like, that would be nice to get into that. Just start taking pride in stuff you're doing. I try to make a cheese plate. We had people at our house recently. Yeah? Started chopping up some cheese. I'm like, I'm going to make a nice cheese plate. I got like...

Like within two minutes, I was like, fuck this. I put a knife in the block of cheese and crackers. And I was like, I'm not doing this. Giving up. I gave up right away. Although, you know what I have been doing? I've been skateboarding lately. You've been skateboarding? Yeah. And I do not like anything crazy. Did you skateboard in your youth? When I was little, yeah. When I was younger, I did. But I underestimated or overestimated how much of my skills I would have retained.

Dude, it was wobbly. I just started like three weeks ago. What age range were you skateboarding in? Probably like seventh. It would have been like seventh, eighth, ninth grade. And then done? Done, yeah. Oh, okay. But every now and again, I would still pop on a skateboard here and there. But I went to a skate park, like, I'll be all right. It's really hard, but I have this little, it's called a pump track. You know what that is? Yeah, yes. It's like a wavy little thing. So I've just been doing that, and it's like...

I had my Apple Watch on. I don't wear my Apple Watch anymore because my wearables have let me down. Apparently, I'm pre-diabetic. I didn't know that. But, yeah. Dude, they're telling me my biological age is like seven years younger. Really? Or my whatever it is. Yeah, they're like, dude, you're like physically, you're like a fucking 29-year-old. And I was like, sweet. I went to the doctor. Like, dude, you're pre-diabetic. What are you doing? I was like, fuck. Wait, is your sugar consumption really high? I didn't think it was that bad. But, like, apparently, I was eating a ton of rice. Like, I was eating, like, I don't eat gluten. So, I was eating, like, white rice.

you know, potatoes. So I would eat like mountains of that. Oh, mountains of it is different than having some. I need to go to Japan. I need someone to show me how to eat. But, um, and my dad has type two. So I, you know, it's pretty much his fault.

I think I got an epigenetic transfer. But you can get... Has he tried to get out of... You know what I mean? You can change your lifestyle. I will. He won't. He won't. He just takes... He did... Actually, I shouldn't put smut on his name. He still does eat a giant bowl of ice cream every Sunday. Okay. Not the best, but he does... He'll take the medicine for it, the pill, and he has cut down on a lot of stuff. Yeah, because I know a couple of guys that have been type 2 diabetic. Reversed it.

and reversed it. Yeah, that's my plan. I want to reverse my prediabetes. But they also, the two guys I'm thinking of, look nothing like they did because they made dramatic changes. Yeah. So I thought I was pretty healthy. You look healthy. That's what I thought, man. But I guess, I don't know, because I was like, I did eat a pancake the day of the blood test. They're like, dude, that has nothing to do with it. Wait, on the day of the test? Yes.

I didn't know you're supposed to fast. I forgot I had to test. But that gave you a crazy glucose spike for sure. I thought so, but they were like, no. A1C studies your hemoglobin. Apparently your blood cells last for three months in your body and then they die and new ones come. So I guess they somehow can tell the age of each blood cell and see how much glucose is attached to each blood cell. The A1C is like a measure of how much glucose is covering all of your blood cells.

They turn into like Sour Patch Kids inside your body. They get sugary. And they're just like, yeah, your blood cells are covered in sugar.

So that's my understanding of it. I don't know. So you just got it, but you, are you already making the big one? I went like my wife's best. I'm like going like full psycho now. It's just like, I don't, I haven't eaten carbs in like a week. Cool. Barely any, barely any. That's good. So now she'll make stuff. Everything she makes me, I'm like, what are you trying to fucking kill me? Do you, can you still eat meat though? Do you like meat? I eat a ton of meat. I just eat meat and veggies.

that you're gonna be fine yeah skateboard meat and veggies yeah but the pump track that is my only zen like moment now where i just like when you're like do you wear protective gear at all none none yeah no i can't i can't do it i still have like that seventh grader just because you're like that's gay yes exactly exactly like helmets someone asked me like you wear a helmet right and i was like i am sorry i can't i'd rather die i'd rather hit my head and die than wear it be seen wearing a helmet i mean hold on dude

Hey, man, that's why I was with Tony Hawk. Yeah. And he wears a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads. That's Tony Hawk. He's a bitch. No, he's not. The holidays can be tough for people, especially those with a big family who aren't great at gift giving. We've got the perfect gift for you. Skylight Frame is the touchscreen digital photo frame your whole family will love. Upload thousands of photos with your phone and watch them appear in seconds.

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okay i'm just doing the pump track he you know again if he wants you know dress like that that's his business dress like that dress like that it's an outfit he's doing like 40 foot look some guys are doing he's doing crazy shit he doesn't love skateboarding as much as i do that's true he's out here you know he's having he's just fucking dilettante he's pussy yeah he's pussyfooting around yeah okay no that makes sense no i've i saw his documentary did you watch that

I did not see it, no. He has gotten... I didn't know he got that fucked up. He's gotten like 90 concussions. I didn't have this appreciation, though, for... Because I think as a kid, when you see...

greatness in different sports, you're like, that guy's just really good. That's right. Like Michael Jordan. You're like, he's just really good. Yeah. And it takes becoming an adult, seeing some stuff, talking to some people. And then you realize, oh, this guy is a psycho. Yeah. Like he's out of his fucking mind. And I didn't realize that like when I, when Tony came here and he was talking about how like his femur broke. Yeah. And this doctor was like, well, you,

you know, you're not going to be able to do what you did. He's like, I just went to another doctor. Yeah.

And that doctor was like, well, we could do this thing and reset it differently. So I had another surgery to reset it, and then I got on a board, and then I was like, huh? You're crazy, bro. He is a psycho. He's a competitive psycho. Lance Armstrong, psycho. Michael, psycho. They're fucking crazy people. I do like how Jordan's psychoness just transferred to sports gambling once he got done. I kind of like that about him.

that well they also the gambling ones are also it's it's the same thing about winning it's just about winning yeah taking and then the rush of like I won this thing I want to yeah again yeah yeah so it's like cuz Dana White is like that you know like and and I asked him that because he's famously gambles crazy amounts yeah and he does it like daily and I was like yeah but this is because you're addicted to like

big wins. And he was like, yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah. I've also heard a compulsive gambling is more about the flow state. It's like the winning and losing almost becomes irrelevant. You just like being in that kind of like Eric, everything just falls away. You're just on the table and it's just like, you're up, you're down, you're up, you're down. It kind of keeps you in this like, almost like flow state. He goes, but Dana goes in, he goes, I'll play three hands and leave. So he'll win. He's he wants to win. He wants to win. I like that. So he goes in, he bets huge. Yeah. 350,000, 400,000 a hand. Oh,

And he's like, if I win two or three, he's like, I'm out of there. That's impressive. Yeah. And then it's just like, goes home like, yeah, I've just walked out with 1.2 and now I'm like feeling good. And then tomorrow I want to do it again. God, they're going to ban him. If he keeps winning, they're going to ban him. There's a few casinos that don't want him to come in. Really? Like six. Yeah.

So he stays to like a couple. Damn, that's kind of bullshit. That's kind of bullshit how they do that. If you actually play. The other thing that's crazy, because I gamble sometimes on a much smaller scale, is like, you know, you can go like $3,000 and they go boop. And then when you win and you're like, oh, I got 3,000 in chips. They're like, hold on. Phone calls. Let me see your ID. And you're standing there in line to get your cash, I'm saying, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Hey, where did you win this? I'm like, at the table. What do you think? Which table? I'm like, I don't know the number of the table. And then I call somebody else. Hold on. Let me see your ID. We need to scan it. Enter your thing. What's your social? And you're like,

This is pretty cool that I can give you the money and it's like, no problem. Yeah. But this whole process of getting it back, I mean... That's kind of weird. Well, you know what? A lot of people use casinos as money laundering centers. So maybe they figure we can kind of scare some of those guys and keep their money because... But I feel like that's got to be the big dogs, dude. Yeah.

Like Macau is famous for that. That's the money laundering capital of the world. Is it really? Yeah. Some people do it. You get like hippies. They get like some like evil hippies in there like selling ketamine. They'll take like five grand. Because they have to mail it. If you have a bunch of small bills, you want to turn it into big bills so you can mail it easier. So they'll take it in, like play a little bit and cash out. So maybe they can think like, oh, we'll scare these guys and keep their. Keep their, yeah. That's what they would do. They would take like five grand of small bills, change it to big bills and be like, all right, we're out of here.

And then, oh, okay. So if you start a pressure, I'm like, let me see your tax return, man. You'd be like, uh, just take it. Yeah, just freak you out a little bit. Yeah. That's bullshit, though, man. That would piss me off. It's really annoying. You don't gamble at all? I used to here and there. I didn't gamble. I did it my first time in Vegas when I was like 21, and I just won blackjack.

I wanted craps I won like six hundred dollars in craps yeah I won like I won like it's exciting yeah it's very exciting but when I lose I get filled with like such a disgusting bitter feeling that it's just like I I don't like doing it so people have different thresholds for it and I was like I was at a blackjack table with these NFL guys like the way that some of them were betting it was like it's making my eyes water and I was like

You're just getting horny. You're just like, fuck, dude. I was getting like the, because I always feel like you have to like work up the courage to increase, you know? So like if you're like, I bet a hundred and then you get on a little roll or you feel, you go, all right, I'm going to do 500 or a thousand. And you're like, oh man. And these dudes were doing like 10, 20 grand. I was like, God,

God damn. That's the only way... For me, it was fun to gamble back when I was 21 because I literally had zero... I had no money. Yeah. And then so like... Everything's a rush. That $500 was all... That was like my whole fucking week of work. So I was like, oh, fuck. Now it's like, dude, the idea of giving a sizable enough portion to be financially... That's the only thing that makes it exciting, if it can wipe you out or do you serious damage. Yeah. Because if it like...

It's got to do something. There is a thing where you're like, hey, you won, and the amount does nothing to the heart rate. And you're like, well, this is nothing. I used to play, when I lived, it was me, Shane, and it was me and a bunch of our friends. We were all like comics.

None of us had any... No one had any money at all, but I was selling a little bit of weed, so I had more than them. So we would do poker, and they'd be like, $5 buy-ins. And I'd be like, this sucks. Because I was like, I don't give a fuck. It needs to be enough to get your hair standing up. But then it's like, I'm not... If I lose that, I'd fucking freak out. One time... It's always like you should listen, and you should walk away. I went to do a show in Vegas, and...

pre-show went to these tables and won seven thousand dollars and was like i was like i mean glowing right just like yeah and we went and did the show and you're just like riding this dopamine drip and i came back i went back to the tables and i started losing

And like guys with me were like, just, just like, just leave now. I was like, no, like a, like a total degenerate. Get the fuck out of here. And I kept betting, kept betting. And I just kept losing, losing, losing. And I lost it all. The money that I'd won, I just lost it all. And in comparison to like what you're getting paid to do the show, it's not a significant amount, even though it sounds, it's a lot. But you're not like, oh, this is a, you know what I mean? Like it doesn't really, I couldn't go to sleep.

I went in my room and I'm staring at the ceiling and this overwhelming sadness. I was depressed. Well, you know what it is? It's like when you win at gambling, the feeling is that like the universe is like...

I like you. Yeah. And you're like, fuck, I knew you liked me. Yeah. I'm a good guy. Yeah, when you lose, it's like, yeah, the universe fucking hates you. Yeah, that's true. And you're like, fuck. Yeah. There's like a magic element to gambling. That's what kind of attracts people to it. Yeah, it's true because it's random. Yeah. And then the other thing is you just realize that there's just, there really are these streaks. Like in blackjack,

you know, there's a shoe, the shoe, right? Like the cards in there and you can get a good shoe and you think it's like kind of you, but it's just like every, you know, you went eight in a row and you're like, dude, what the fuck? I figured it out. And then the next shoe, it's like eight losses in a row. And you're like,

This fucking sucks. And you suck too to the dealer. Dude, that's what happened to me. I won the first two times. I win like $400 and I'd just be like to the moon. Like, holy fuck. And I would like cash out, buy everybody stuff around me. Like, I fucking did it. Yeah. So then when I went again, like a year or two later, I was like, guys, check. I know exactly how to do this. And I just got wiped out like instantly. Yeah. Like the next three times just lost so fast. Try to cash back in, lose again. I was like, I'm not doing it. Fuck, I hate this.

Yeah. I get that feeling. I always think about just like a casino owner, just like my money just being like filtered onto like a gray truck just amongst stacks of cash and just trucked away. And he's like, thanks. Yeah. He's just like, oh, cool. Fuck. I paid my cell phone bill this month for this shit. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't like it, man. I know a lot of people love to gamble. I don't pretend to be. I'm glad I don't have the, like I enjoy it. I've had fun. I think it's fun when you're with friends and having a good time. But I don't have that, thankfully, I don't have that thing that's like, I gotta go fucking do it.

I also, I had a pretty risky, kind of like gambly life for a long time. Really? Yeah, I've gotten my thrills out for the most part. How was your life risky and gambly? I used to just sell drugs. So I was like, people would go to the casino and I was like, dude, I do this every day. I could be devastated every day. What kind of drugs were you selling? Just weed. Yeah, mostly weed. And then I tried to sell coke. I wasn't cut out for that.

How was it? I mean, I sold a couple of bags, and I bought a million of them back in the day. Yeah, true. So I went over to people's houses and watched them play video games. That's all it is. Sat there, and yeah. You play Xbox for like an hour, and then you just make $1,000, and you're like, yes. Yeah. But how was the Coke stuff? Terrible. I didn't do it. That was the thing. So I didn't do it. I didn't like what it did to people. I was like 19, so I didn't really know.

But that was like when I was like, that was like genuinely scary. Cause like weed is like, people are mostly cool. Yeah.

Um, except to a certain point if you get up high enough, you know when the money gets high enough It'll be like you deal with like real actual criminal you were talking about home invasions It's like dude, there's guys that'll do that and it's like it's so fucking scary and they're so scary - you got into that level I've got my I was in a house. I got invaded I was never home invasion kind of guy But yeah, I got up to like I would get like 35 pounds like that was you'd buy 35 Yeah, I would get him front it but I would like I'd be I would commanded 35 and

That's a lot, bro. I know. Scary. That's what I was saying. I got my... But how would that $35 get to you? It would get dropped off at somebody else's house, and then we'd have a storage unit, and we would just go down. You had to pick between the strains. I want four Blue Dreams, six Sour Diesels. So was that amount split amongst a couple other people? It was me and one other guy. You and one other guy. So we would get $70 dropped off, and we'd get to split them. And what was your selling like? What were you...

How much were you selling at a time? Yeah, it was mostly like two. My big people were like two to three. Sometimes people take five pounds. That was like my most. I would give people like five at a time. So they were dealers too? Yeah. I would find people and then be like, I think you get, and you kind of like slowly front them and get them a little bit more. Then you eventually are like, I'll give you like two pounds. It's like, just, you'll be fine. Yeah. And then you just kind of just, and then you just start dropping it off and like collect your money.

So that's real money though, right? Yeah, I was, yeah, I was chilling for a while in my early twenties. I was having a good time, but the, uh, but yeah, like you get robbed people, everyone you're like, you know, if you think of it like your employees, it's like the most unreliable. Yeah. People are getting DUIs. It's like people couldn't just chill.

They'd be like, I got hammered. And I started running around selling. It's like, why did you do that? Then they get in trouble. People get addicted to drugs. It's like, it's a really. Was there a one incident thing that got you out of it or was just a gradual thing? Not really. I got like robbed at gunpoint a bunch of times. And I was just like, or I should say I got robbed at gunpoint twice. But the, I guess it's not a bunch of times.

times while from somebody you knew probably or like it was yeah it was like someone i knew would set up with somebody who would then be like my friend's gonna come and then someone that person knew would just be like i'm i'm gonna set this up like a robbery because everyone got bad on pills so you get people who get bad on like yeah pills who then would be buying like heroin who now they're introducing like heroin guys to being like hey i owe you money but i know this one guy

who could like, you know, who's like, I can help you rob him. And they'd be like, yeah, let me do that. And when you got robbed, was it for the weed or for the cash? For the both. For both. Yeah. They got me for both. Yeah. The postal also, like we would mail it a lot. So like the, we had the postal police take like, I mailed like 35 grand and they just were like, yeah, that's ours.

Fuck. I was like, fuck. Those are huge losses though, right? I know. I've been wiped out financially. Again, I'm like 25, 26 with like 40 grand. I'm like, this is crazy. And just go to zero. I've done it like two or three times. Damn. Yeah. And were you mailing cash because you owed it to... Well, you would mail it to... You could buy it once it got here, but as soon as a pound of weed comes from California...

It's the driver itself. That's like 400 per pound they're tacking on. And then it's going to go to a person who's going to attack three, probably three to four or whatever on each one. But if you can get it directly from California, you can skip all that, but they got to mail it to you. So you open yourself up to the risk of catching a package in the mail. Yeah. And then you got to like, you know, hopefully it's not being followed or whatever. So, but you were mailing cash out to Cali. Yeah. Through my friend, I would like give it to my friend and he would mail it to California.

So you got zero after this. I was wiped out. I've done it like, oddly, it becomes kind of a peaceful feeling, though, to get totally wiped out. After like the third time, I like perversely kind of liked it. You're like, oh, here we go. So I would just go back to painting houses and be like, damn it, right back to the salt mine. I would just paint houses and kind of like do stand up and work my way back up. Jesus, man. Yeah, but eventually it just became ridiculous. I was like, I'd have to stop. It wasn't really the, kids were the big thing. Yeah. Once I had kids, I was like, I can't, this is ridiculous. Yeah. I'm like, if I go to jail, that'd be so sad.

Yeah, I remember a couple of friends that were selling. And it was funny because when you're in high school and getting into college, you're talking about an ounce here and the... I remember how it makes sense, but you get more brazen with the longer you're around and more comfortable. And then one time I'm with my friend, he pulls up and he's got just like QPs on the seat. And I'm like, you're just...

driving around like this it becomes so normal you forget the first like month i remember like my i think i've fried my nervous system but the first couple months you're like legs are shaking anytime a cop's around you you have like an ounce of weed you're like oh yeah then you get like you just forget it's even illegal you just i would just drive around like it was like a normal job yeah you're like then if a cop does pull up behind you you're like it's just like ice water your veins just sort of like yeah and that that's really bad for you and also it's like

It's one of those things, it's like, it's genuinely, when people say it's bad, I was always like, it's weed, like, who cares? But when you're doing that, you're essentially, you have to lie to everybody you talk to. Which is not good. It's not good, and it, like, it's, you literally become, like, a liar. Like, you have to lie, it's nonstop kind of games and manipulation. Yeah.

And it's like your relationships that skews them because then you're like, I don't really want to tell this person I'm with exactly what I'm doing. And it's like, because if it goes south, they can kind of fuck me. Did your closest friends know? Yeah, people knew kind of. But I always would kind of like, I wouldn't really ever tell people the scale for the most part, except for a couple people. The scale is alarming. The scale was kind of alarming. When you said 35, I was like, what the fuck, bro? Yeah.

Yeah, it would just be in like a storage unit and then like, or like I'd bring it to my house and then it's like every time you leave your house, you're just like, somebody's definitely going and taking that from me. So it's like, it's just constant anxiety. Yeah. It's not worth it. It's like, just go get a job. It's like boredom. It's either you're bored or you're going to be like, like hair raisingly anxious. And it's like,

Being bored's better. You can always just join CrossFit and do jiu-jitsu or something. Yeah, work it out another way. Yeah, just gamble. You don't have to risk your freedom. Fuck, man. Yeah. It was cool. I kind of did that from 18 to, embarrassingly, not that long ago. And now you're a successful comedian. Yeah, thank God, man. Otherwise, I would have been in jail. Now you can walk around and go, man, can you believe I got this clean money? Yeah, true. Yeah.

thank god i got robbed so much that for real the i could just show the irs like bro i'm telling you man yeah there's nothing there yeah got rob take it up with that other guy

But it is crazy because then people rob you and then you learn later, like, karma really is, like, it gets people. Like, yeah, I would just learn about people who rob me and, like, bad stuff happens to people. It feels like you're lucky that you learned these lessons without having to suffer the worst consequences. For sure. Jail. You feel kind of bad, though, not going... Usually there's the big redemptive arc where you're like, and then I got arrested. And it's like, when you're like, nah, I just...

It kind of worked out. Now I sell tickets on the road. Yeah, yeah. People don't like hearing that. No, I know. It's the truth. It's good that you didn't have to go through that to figure it out. I know. Although I do have that perverse side of me again that like, I have the jail fantasy. You're like, how would I have done in jail? How do you think you would have done? I don't know.

I think all right. I don't know. Again, it's one of those easy things to say. Isn't it crazy now? I don't know how many guys you know that have been to jail. I know a handful that are like, yeah, man, it's actually pretty cool. And you're like, what? And they tell you good stories, and they're like, I've got a good friend. We had some wild shit, but we had fun. Yeah. Okay. It's got to be kind of fun, but I do think it is pretty depressing. Yeah. My friend was there a bunch of times, and he...

He was like, yeah, you know, there's parts of it that were fun, but he's like, mostly it was horrible and I'm never going back there. I don't think anyone wants to go back. The food, man. That's the one thing. I'm such a... Dude, I can't eat all this stuff. I wonder how it would affect your pre-diabetic. It'd be tough. Diabetic stuff, yeah. I'd have to probably go for like...

Maybe the Jew, I don't know, Jewish diet or Muslim diet. They like, that's like, they're like the coveted diets you can get there. Really? So I have to convert. Yeah. I have to convert to probably. You have to convert first. I think so. You got to pass a test. If you want the diet in jail, you have to like exhibit knowledge of the diet. You have to like, it's like a citizenship test. Wow. Yeah.

So some studying. You have to go in there and be like, did the Jews do 9-11? You have to be like, no, not at all. Here's your fucking, here's your shawarma, dude. No, we did not. We did not do that. And then you're getting the diet that you want. And they're like, hey, how come you're not doing daily prayer, man? It's five times a day here, pal. You're allowed to switch it every couple years, I think. It's a big deal if you can kind of get that special diet. Like, well, well, well, if it isn't the old Christian Muslim Jew. Yeah.

But yeah, I'm really, I'm actually, I'm very happy. It sounds, it sounds really miserable, man. It's like, yeah. You seem well adjusted, man. Well, I did a lot of reading. I didn't have time to read. So I kind of got to like read a lot and like, you know, I got to really kind of reflect. And I also was never, I was never violent. That was my big thing. I wasn't really violent. I had like one time that I like really spazzed. But for the most part, like I would just kind of live and let live if people like. Did you carry a gun?

No, briefly. I had a gun in my house. But that gun scared me. I'd look at it and be like, I'd be all high looking at a gun. I'd be like, oh, fuck, dude. Yeah. But so no, I know. And that thing, too, if you got caught with drugs and a gun, it was automatic jail. Yeah. So that's why I was like, I'd rather just lose the money than have a gun. Like, I'm not going to fucking shoot somebody. Yeah. I'm no hero. I'm not like, you know, not like that guy. Like me? Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, do you really think I shouldn't ever shave again? I think it was kind of cool. I think you should mix it up on people. Dude, I like that. You do for real look like a totally different guy. Do you know what happened to me? I've told this story, but I was, so I was, this grew back in like eight days. Okay. So jealous. I can't get a beard. Five days into this. So you can't really tell from this photo. I have just like some growth. Yeah. And I'm at the Lakers game.

And at the Lakers game, I see Spade and Rock like around here. So I go say what's up to them. And then it's halftime. So you go into this like, you know, like banquet style room. There's food and drinks. It's kind of loud. But we're just sitting and chatting. You know, just catching up, eating bullshit from the thing. And then Sebastian walks up.

And he says something to them, and then he turns to me, and he goes, hey, Sebastian. And I go, what? Like, I know. He was just here. Like, I've known him for years. Yeah, yeah. And then he turns, and he sits over there, and I was like, it's so weird. He doesn't recognize. That's nuts. I don't put it together at first. Like, in the moment, I'm just like, what? It's his problem, man. Yeah. Introduced himself? So then I'm like, hey, man. I say something to him. He's like, I can't hear you. He's like, not much further than you are from me. Yeah. He's like, I can't hear you. I go, what?

Come here. So he comes, and then he just looks at me, like, you know, like dead in the face. And I was like, hey, man. And I just start talking to him. And he just looked, and then he goes, oh, my God. He goes, Jesus Christ. I seen you with Chavin. I, what the fuck? He goes, it freaked me out. I fucking didn't know it was you. I was like, God damn. Because the voice would be so familiar where you'd be like, what the fuck? The other thing that you realize, too, is that the grays, they're

they add years naturally right yeah shave them off and you just look true young as hell you look yeah my i get like a goatee and my my hair is gray and shit my goatee is just most like really gray really i look aged yeah when i grow my goatee out it's like i look old as hell it is cool when i tell people my age and they go oh i thought you were like 57 i'm like it's cool i

I get that a lot too now. I guess Austin, man. Dude, my hair and facial hair grows in. I look like I'm 50 years old. People are like, dude, you look old as shit. It ages you up. People have been telling me a lot. Like, dude, I'll get off the stage and say hi to people after shows, and they're like, oh, dude, in the lights, you look like you were like 55. You look terrible. I'm like, thanks, man. Isn't that cool? Yeah, thanks, man. I appreciate that. That's real honest. Thanks for coming. Thanks.

thanks for coming yeah I shoot this thing next week and then I'm gonna start I'm gonna start having some fun I think I'm gonna do a mustache for the rest of December ooh mustache would be nice mustache strong you know and I can see your face don't do that I saw her I can't grow a mustache she just went like this

When I was little, my cousin, we were having like a battle with a kayak paddle. It was like a split-in-half kayak paddle. So they had like sharper edges, and we were like sword fighting in a pool. And he like accidentally slashed my lip open and like literally filleted my lip so I came like that. Really? So I had to go to the hospital. I was like maybe eight years old, and the doctor was like, you know you'll never be able to grow a mustache. And I just cried.

That's a cool thing to tell an eight-year-old. I was so fucked up with him. I could have found out later. I didn't need to know that at all. Yeah, he could have been like, you'll still be able to grow a mustache. He was like, you know you'll never be able to grow a mustache, right? Because I do have a big gap right here because of where I got...

And he was like, he hit me with that information. I just cried. Really important to tell an age old. I was so fucked up. I don't know why he had to tell me that. Such an asshole, dude. Yeah, it's crazy. I'm already in shock. Like my face is cut open. I have like my lip. And then everyone thinks I had a cleft palate now. Yeah. I have a scar right here. Like, oh, you had a cleft palate? I'm like, no. God, it hit me in the face with a kayak paddle. I feel like we judge them so hard, the cleft palate people. Yeah. We really do. We're like, should you even be here? Yeah.

Yeah, that was like, that's an easy fix now, right? The technology has improved incredibly. Yeah. Because that was a rough one, man. Yeah. You come out and it's like, you got that snarl. Yeah. You got that evil snarl. The snarl that like, it's also like fucks up the nose a little bit and speech pattern. Everyone's like, hmm. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to hold you back forever. You're lucky they kept you. Yeah.

Yeah, you don't see it anymore. They must fix that right away. I just feel like they fix it right away. Also, the way that they fix it is more advanced than when we were kids. When we were kids, you would see it and be like, oh. But I think now you can deal with it. Yeah. We had kids, and our first kid had a cone head when they came out.

Because she got into the birth canal, but she had the umbilical cord around her neck. Oh, my God. So she just got her head for real. It was like a pyramid. No, so was my first was like that, too. And he had two things. He had like reddish hair, which went away. Yeah, yeah. And then the other thing is, like, I don't remember if it was a month or two in, the top of his head, all the hair fell out, but he kept a horseshoe. What? So he looked 50. 50?

And it looks so weird. And I was like, I'd be like, yeah, I don't like the way he looks. This is my son? This is bullshit. I was like, what the fuck? And then it came back. I was like, oh, thank God. That's so, if he just had like male pattern baldness, just his whole life. As a baby? That would be so funny. It's so crazy, bro. I didn't know like. Look at this. It says cleft palate is usually repaired with a surgical procedure called palatoplasty when a child is between six and 18 months.

That'd be nice to give your baby a strong chin, too. Yeah. You might as well just fucking change his eye color and give him a strong chin. That'd be awesome. They should start doing plastic surgery out of the womb. Just right away. It's not a bad idea. I know. They won't remember it. Also, this kid's kind of fat. Let's thin him out a little bit. This kid's dick's kind of small. Let's give him a penis enlargement. Do you have boys at all? Just girls, yeah. Yeah, I have two boys. Boy, it's funny because when you...

When you see a boy from birth develop, you just realize, oh, no, we're obsessed with our penises our whole lives. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're always just like, look at my penis. And just grabbing it. And you're like, don't do that in your room. Yeah, don't do that. My fear of having a son was that the nurses were going to peep my newborn son's setup and then do some sort of math to be able to scope my flaccid setup out and be like, huh?

You know what I mean? Do you think there has to be some sort of scale? They have to like, they see so many dick scales, brand new penises every year that they must be able to from the sun. Look at the father because, because I've also had like, I thought I would think so. But then I've had like, I remember a friend who's like,

You know, the mom, I don't know, it's all weird, but it said something like, oh, I guess that gene didn't pass down. Like, in other words, like the dad has a hog. There's a hog in there. But the kid just has a normal one. The mom side, there's a small dick on the mom side blocking the genes. It's got to be, yeah. It'd be crazy to inherit a big dick from your mom's side. That would be. That'd be kind of nuts. I think that does something to a man. Especially if the dad clocks it real early. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, he's like, the fuck?

I have a friend who was adopted, and he's got a massive hog. Really? And his younger brother. What kind of dimensions are we talking? Fat, dude. Really? Yeah, absolutely fat.

He said it's shaped like a parking cone. But his little brother one day came in in front of the dad and was like, why is his bigger than dad's? And it was like, I was like, bro, he must have felt that. You feel that for sure. I would have been like, I would have banished him. Yeah. I would have put him in a basket down the Nile. I'm like, the fuck out of here. Get out of here. Put your fucking nine-year-old ass out of here. Yeah.

Yeah, that's rugged. But here's the thing. You'd have to be... Or are you proud? You're like... But you can instill small dick energy in a big dick energy guy, which would be kind of nice. That would be kind of unstoppable. Just tell him all the time, like, bro, if I had your dick, here's what I would do. You could just pump your son up. We're going to give you a small dick work ethic. You're going to be completely unstoppable. You really are. Yeah. Yeah.

You're not going to be lazy. You're not just going to lay there. Yeah. You're going to be... Although, you kind of want big dick guys lazy. You don't want big dick guys too active. Yeah. Like being the president.

That's a disaster. I was thinking of just tearing pussies apart. True. Because I remember I worked with this guy. He was a big fucking guy. And I remember I used to say shit to him like, I'd love to see you fucking just grab a woman. And he was like, yeah. I was like, I know you got a fucking healthy hog on you. And he was like, have you ever heard a woman? He was like, a couple times.

And it was Stitches. They had to get Stitches. Oh. She probably loved it. Probably. I'm kidding. It's terrible. That's one of those things that the stories you hear. Then there's guys that like want to give somebody Stitches. I know. It's kind of fucked up. That's the... I don't think this guy was actually... I mean, you don't know, but I don't think he was like that. I think he was just a huge fucking guy. A huge hog, yeah. Yeah. I mean, that must be... Do you think there was some element of him or some part of him that was kind of like...

like prideful like I think part of your brain has to go like this is what happens this is what happens no it's not about pleasure at this point it's just about like just telling the pussy up I don't know man I got this big old dick this is what happens man it's tough to love me I got this big old dick it's a tuna can and it just stretches you out yeah I uh but that is some woman's like there are women who will tell you I don't want anything to do with that but there's still a percentage that are like yeah that'd be amazing yeah I need that I need that to feel alive yeah

Although I've heard some say, and again, I don't know if they're just kind of hyping me up, but I've heard some women say like, look, man, you don't need it that big. It's kind of a curse. Yeah. But I don't agree. Just showing it off would be awesome. I think that's the part. It's the visual. The visual of it, everybody goes, wow, when you see something big. Yeah. Another part is like living with it and...

having you know to use it it's a different thing I have talked to guys who have felt used who have been like dude I feel like women just use me for my penis they don't want to like actually have a relationship with me I'm like oh that sucks dude yeah can't watch Lifetime that's what you're fucking worried about so you're bummed out about it you can't watch The Real Housewives dude that sucks they're just using you for your perfect dick yeah I'm like dude I don't want to hear that shit I had a guy one time in an office like third day we shared like an office room and he was like

Yeah, I got a nine-inch dick. He just like... Throws it out there? Just threw it out to me. I was like, oh, cool, man. That's what's up. He just threw it out to me and it just changed our relationship forever. Was it good? His dick you're talking about? No, no. Like your relationship. It was all right. It was okay. But then he just like threw... It was like he didn't even have a chance to like...

Like to set. He just threw that right into the mix. That's such a weird. Why are you trying to do, why are you doing that to me right now? He just wanted you to go like, I guess you'll, you'll run things around here. I think so. I think he was trying to establish pecking order. He's like, you'll be my little dick minion and I'm going to have you, I'm going to have you do my bidding. So just so you know, when I say something, it goes. Yeah, true. I'm in charge. I have the nine. That's a crazy way to do it. I think he was maybe telling a story and he's like threw it in as a detail. And I was just kind of like, all right, dude, that's, that's what's up.

But, yeah, although I kind of did, I didn't, I never, I would just leave all the time. You should have just turned and busted out a ruler and be like, prove it. Yeah, busted out right now. Guys all lie about. That's, you should never lie up. I don't know why people lie up. It's like, lie down. Nine is, it's bigger than you think. I would imagine, yeah. Nine inches, bro? Yeah. Come on. He was claiming, yeah, it's, I don't know. That's what he claimed. He threw it in the mix. What was his physical description? He just was like a...

about the same height as me but he did have like slightly crow magnet face that led me to believe it like you might have a giant you know I had a big dick face it was just like deep fucking eye sockets and like you're one of the most depressed one time I went in we were doing a

it was a business thing. Like, uh, I was working in post and we were going to a different facility and there was this chick working there who you could tell had just like, Oh, energy. And she was super flirty and like inappropriate. Right. And like, just like, you know, just real fucking kind of gutter trash energy. And so we were just whatever talking, she's kind of flirty. And then I don't know how this comes about, but she's like, yeah, I have this, um, ability where I can like,

I can guess your dick size. What? And I was like, really? And we're in like this kind of flirtatious rhythm. I mean, the energy is like, it's fun. Yeah, for sure. I'm having fun with it. For sure. And I was like, oh, really? And I was like, well, okay. So then guess mine. And I'm like, just like, what's this going to be? Yeah. And she's like, how about I draw it? And I'm like, what? All right. And so she takes a piece of paper.

and draws and hands it to me. And it is like a perfect oversized, just like a porn cock. Yeah. And I was like, wow, you're good at this. You nailed it. And then I got scared. She drew it hard or soft? It was, I mean, it's just like, it was just like sides. Just like a dimension, like a hand turkey. And then I had so much fear.

inside of me that like, no, that like, yeah, that I was like, I'm definitely going to not live up to what she just drew. And like, I got to get out of here. Like, I got to leave this building. I was like, almost like they were like, now go into this room and show her. And I was just like, yeah, we should definitely hang out sometime. And I was like, I'll never, I'll never. Let the mystery. Your expectations are so. We were, when I was in seventh grade, we had like two of the hottest eighth grade girls just took it upon themselves to pressure people to see their penises. Oh my God.

And I would be on the bus shivering with fear. I had, like, four pubes. I was like, dude, please don't look at my tiny unpubed penis. And they were like, it never got to me finally, but they did make a couple boys show them their penises. Then we had, like, eighth graders checking our pubes. They'd be like, you got pubes? And I'd be like, you have to, like, pull your thing down. They'd be like, look at my pubes. I'd be like, dude, that's so many fucking pubes, dude. Dude, these three Dominican girls one time got me to show them my dick. Ha ha ha!

Dude, it's crazy. And I was like, no. And they're like, we've never seen a white guy's dick before. And I was like, uh. And so- Wait, when was this? It was like last week. Yeah, it was last week. I had a shaved face. I was like, no one will recognize me. Damn, you were a schoolboy. They pressured you. Oh, this was college. College. Okay, all right. And they were like, we've never seen a white guy's dick. And I was like, okay. And so-

I don't know. I was like, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. And then like, it, part of your mind is like, what if this turns into like a really cool, like foursome? For sure. So, but the thing was, I would, I would like, they're like sitting on this couch. I would go in the other room and just start fluffing. I was like, Jesus. Cause I, you know, and I was, I had so much anxiety that your body's like, Oh yeah. So I'm just sitting there just, just stroking away. Yeah. I'm like about to jizz.

And then I'm like, okay, everyone, open your eyes. Now. And then I remember I showed it to them and they were like, it's so white. And I was like, yeah, I'm white. Yeah. They're like, I've never seen a white one. It's so white. And I was like. So there's more about the color than the dimensions. Yeah. They were just like, I mean, yeah, I fluffed it hard, dude. Really? I mean, I was tugging. Yeah. And they were just kind of like, well, okay. I was like, yeah, let me go get some from the other room. I just was like. Obviously, yeah. Yeah. And then one, it was like prehistoric.

Presentable? Yeah. Yeah, that's when I showed it. You guys can just come in now. And then I was waiting, like, so who's going to take it first? And they were like, no, we just want to see. Damn. I was like, oh. I fluffed for the dermatologist one time. Yeah. Dude, I had a hard, I don't know what, I think it was eczema, but I thought it was some other type of rash, so I had to go to the dermatologist, and it just so happened to be there was this

Like, really. Like, there's this dermatologist in Philly who's just, like... It's kind of ridiculous. Like, my friend... How hot she is? Yeah, it's, like, it's kind of unreal. And my friend was, like, actually doing, like, medical sales. And he was... He knew exactly who I was talking about. So she was like, all right, I got to see it. Like, I knew it was coming. So I just kind of was in the waiting room trying to, like, quietly kind of fluff myself up. Just go on, like, Instagram and try to find, like, ladies shaking their... Like, anything. Yeah. And as soon as I got in front of her, it was just, like, just shriveled right up. It was like a...

like red dried out penis and I had to be like ugh I've never seen a smaller version of my dick than at the doctor's office that's bullshit like I've told doctors I'm like it really gets better yeah this is nothing yeah that is crazy for them to see that many dicks that's gotta kinda wipe you out yeah you gotta look at them all day yeah

You know what I mean? Because then you know exactly what you're saying. At least guys have like that air of mystery in their head where they can kind of be like, eh. I've asked a urologist. I was like, what's the biggest dick you've ever seen? And they're like, oh, yeah, you don't forget. Really? Because it is a just line of pathetic dicks that just don't register. And then every once in a while, there's just like some old guy just goes like, yeah. And they're like, wow. Yeah, holy shit. Yeah.

yeah man it's got to be i always wonder about this too with like especially like women like women have that just like anthology in their head dicks so they yeah they know man there's always that they always there's always that like that one charizard they've seen they're like oh my god and it's like does it mean as much to them as it means to us and i don't i genuinely don't think it does i don't know i think it's awesome there's a woman in the booth what do you think no no that's what no what what is the answer it doesn't matter say it again it doesn't matter

You're a good woman. You don't stay with that one memory of that, like, that was the outlier. I mean, there is an outlier for everyone. Here we go. Here comes the truth. Yeah, tell us the truth. Here comes the truth. So he does stay in your mind, though. I mean, yeah, you don't forget, but...

Are you reminded every time if like say you're with like a boyfriend, every time you look at his penis, does it like trigger a flashback of like the biggest one you've ever seen? No. That's my fear. No, no, no. Really? Yeah, because once you're in love, that's all you care about is your- Thank God girls' brains are set up the way they're set up. That's awesome. Really? That wipes it out? Yeah. So it does matter to bring home flowers. I'm erasing the memory of the biggest dick a woman's ever seen. Yep.

Every time you say I love you, she forgets his dick a little more. It shrinks. She's like, you know, I don't really remember. Those pants look great on you. It's just like, just a little bit shrinks. I thought you said it was an eight and six. She's like, no, it's like seven. Wasn't even that fat come to think of it. Oh, really? Yeah. We're going on vacation. I'm going to shrink this thing down. Shrink it down, dude. That's good. That's actually, I'm happy to hear that. That's great. I think, I definitely think,

that we are more obsessed with for sure than you want to see mine yeah we'll just show we'll just look on the table that's that dude i've been trying to play the big big dick bad boy to my wife now i'm gonna switch it up i'm going nice guy i've been fluffing for her i'm trying to do big big dick bad boy i mean like i don't even care man yeah i see that oh you're actually showing me your nice it's pretty good right that's fucking great i had my regular dick queued up oh wow

Some of my butthole in there somehow, too. Spread eagle shot. All right. Well, thanks for coming. This was fun, man. It was a blast, dude. Thanks for having me. We both have co-hosts regularly. How do you keep it like, you know, mine's a fucking... How do you keep it...

fresh with your guy how do you guys you guys have a good dynamic we're fresh right now because I've he's filming so he's been we've done only a couple he's gone you miss each other we miss I miss him so dearly right now yeah what I do is I try filming right now yeah they're about I think they should be wrapped up like next week

I think. But what I try to do is I read constantly, and I read subject matter that I know bothers him immensely. Oh, yeah. And I bring it up, and it's so fun every week to just expose him to, like, esoteric, kind of, like, weird spiritual stuff. And he hates it. Yeah. He has no time for it. That's great. So that kind of makes me laugh every time to watch it. And he likes to, like, dismantle all the ideas. Well, I think I would have to take that role because my buddy can't read. So...

But yeah, it's fun. It's also the thrill of like, we don't prepare anything. So every week comes and it's like, can we summon an hour of something out of the ether? Yeah. It makes it kind of fun to be like, especially when it's not working. We're both looking at each other like, fuck. Yeah. What do you do then? We just repeat stories we've told before. Yeah. That's all we do. My guy just has a drink. True. Okay.

All right. Thank you, Bill. Yeah, thank you for coming, man. It was fun. Make sure you see Matt on tour. Get tickets at mattmcusker.com. Of course, check out Matt and Shane's secret podcast wherever podcasts are available. Very important. And yeah, man, thanks so much for coming. Thank you, bro. Appreciate it. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes to the top of the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.