Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Welcome to another episode of Two Heirs, One Cave. This is an exciting day here. The sexual energy is thriving. It's charging. I can feel it in my bones. And we're really happy to tell you guys that on February 25th, you can check out the all-new Route 66 podcast.

tour comedy special. It's coming out on YouTube. And these are the guys behind it. Give it up for the Are You Garbage guys. Kevin and H. Foley, everybody. What's up, guys? Good to see you, buddy. Thanks for having us, man. Of course. It's so good to see you. Congratulations. Thank you. This is a documentary special that encompasses Are You Garbage with the crowd, stand-up. And I think actually it's the thing that people want to see the most, which is like

The bits, the off-stage fun shit. Like, on the bus, fucking around in restaurants. Uh-huh, that's exactly what it is. Dumping out salt shakers. Whatever you do for fun. But it has it all. Yeah, it was very... Like, through the bus, we got... I mean, because we are just dirtbags. We just did this ourselves. Yeah.

I just started calling bus rental places and I'm like, can we have a bus? They're like, sure. But we got a bus from like 1981. You got a purposely bad old bus? No, it was just like, that's what I mean. It's got a lot of character to it. It felt like we were in like a log cabin in the 80s. The seats were ripped. It was fucking bad. How many people were on the bus with you? Nine guys. Nine dudes. Nine dudes.

Nine dudes. Nice. Yeah, so it was me, him, two openers, Sam and Tommy, a tour manager, and then the crew was three people and a producer.

Okay. And a bus driver who hated our guts. Oh, he hated you? We thought he was either deaf or didn't speak English for the first four days. And it turned out he just hated you. It turned out he just didn't like us. He didn't like us at all. Because were you guys, like, rowdy? No. I mean, probably a little bit, but nothing like... What did he not like about you? Just our faces. Really? Just, like, right away. Yeah.

We're his kind of guys. Do we have it on? We have us meeting him after the first night because he got there, parked the bus, and, you know, we walked to the venue. It was there in Chicago. Yeah, we met in Chicago and then took the bus all the way to California over the 12 days. And I get there. So, like, we go, we do the show. The bus calls, you know, it's like, you know, 2 a.m. or whatever. So, like, we go, we do the show, do the meet and greet, go out for beers and, like, something to eat, and we're coming back, and he's there smoking a cig. I'm like, hi, I'm Kevin. Nice to meet you.

He just put his hand out. No, like, no words. No, just...

I said, thanks for driving us. And he just fucking... Strong silent type. So, yeah. I mean, first of all, his assignment is driving the 1981 fucking Prevost. So this is not their best guy. I think he said it had like 2.2 million miles. It was like crazy. It broke down. Was it like his bus? We got him off Airbnb. It was just an RV. So, like...

Describe him. Like, how old is he? He was a Dominican guy from the neighborhood I live in. I live in a Dominican neighborhood in New York called Washington Heights. Yeah, he lives... He's from... And he's like, you fucking live there? I'm like, you're an idiot. He's like, I got out. He...

I had a pretty good conversation with him one night. Uh, uh, we took shrooms and I was, I was not the driver. Just, yeah, just me. Oh, and he, he, he, he ripped heaters. So we were still smoking at the time. So he let me come up and sit and smoke and stay with them. I chatted him up a little bit, found a little bit of his life story. Okay. Nice guy. Uh,

He's Dominican. Dominican dude, maybe a little bit of a rougher, younger days. He's got a past. Oh, okay. He's not allowed in Canada, we found out. He's got a past. Hey, neither am I. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's good the tour didn't go up there. Sure, yeah. It stopped in L.A. He was really cool, though. And was he from Dominican or just like Dominican? No, just like a New York Dominican guy. Yeah, I got you. And what really broke him is...

We were, you know, we pulled over and we had a drone flying above us like we were pulling into a town. Like the production guys were like, yo, pull over. So they throw the drone up and we're cruising. He's cruising. And then they hit a fucking power line with the... And it fucking just...

blew up, it fell on the ground, got ran over, and he thought that was the funniest thing. He loved that. Meanwhile, it was like a $15,000 loss for us. And he's like, ha ha, they got a truck in it, and a car in it, and a truck in it. I'm like, dude, we get it. We get it, yeah. We lost a lot of money. Thanks. Sure, yeah, it sucks. We're in the red on this fucking thing, dude. It's going on YouTube. We're not even selling it. I was sleeping. I didn't see any of this. Holy shit, man. Uh-huh. Yeah. Like, everything they kind of could, in a good way of, like, it's very us. Like, so much shit just...

Yeah, there's... Went wrong. I shit my pants. You shit your pants? Yeah. On the tour? Yeah. On five different cameras and tried to hide it, which is the most insane... Where were you? I didn't realize they were filming, so...

I was still on Ozempic at the time, and it was really killing me. Killing me. Was it helping? No. It was making me... I was so sick. I had burps, the runs, the whole nine yards. I was in a bad spot. So I was on a clock. Because you get on that bus, you can't poop. He acts like he lives in a typical good spot normally. Like he's not burping and farting all the time. But I had to really time it out. And then the bus broke down, and that kind of jammed up my schedule. Yeah.

Per se. Yeah. And yeah, we got to the place where we were getting the bus fixed and, you know, something happened. I didn't realize fucking Luke, our producer, was running around like the school newspaper filming me.

Dude, meanwhile, he's got a lava. We're only day seven of production. Thought it was under the radar. Was it running down your legs? No. No. It wasn't not. He threw the underwear away. Yeah, I had to get rid of the underwear. Didn't break the upper atmosphere. He kept the shorts on, though, for the rest of the day, which is a wild choice. That would have been a dead giveaway, I figured. Oh, so it was just to save face. Yeah. Yeah. So we got there. Were there stains on it? I mean, Tommy. From the outside? Could you be like, oh, these are...

Well, they were dark basketball shorts. Okay. So at a glance, I could have maybe sat in some water or something like that. I remember when I was with my dad one time, and we were in Portland, Maine, and we went out. He was like, let's go get lobster. And so we got lobster, and then we walked. It was like a father-son trip. By the way, it's like I'm fucking 40. I mean, this is like a few years ago. And we get back.

We're in the hotel lobby. And he's like, I got to take a shit. So he just goes to the lobby bathroom. And I go up to the room. We're sharing a room, right? Sure. So I go into the bathroom of the hotel room we're in. And I'm sitting there taking a shit. And then, I don't know, a minute later, I hear...

I go, what's up? He goes, me. I go, I thought you fucking were using the bathroom downstairs. He's like, I shit my pants. And I go, okay. So he's like, hurry up. I go, I'm on the toilet, man. I'm like, hold on. So I clean up. I get out. And he's like, I shit my pants. I go, what happened? He's like, well, I was walking in, and it was five feet too far, the toilet. So I was like, okay. So he goes in there. He cleans up.

And then he comes out and he's telling me the story. I'm like tearing up laughing at it. And then he's like, all right, well, let's go to whatever, like go to see a movie or something. And I, he starts putting pants. Are those the pants you just shit in? He's like, well, yeah. I go, well, don't you want to look at them? And he holds them up and you see this brown stain. I go, you can't wear those. He goes, why?

I go, because there's shit on them. And he goes, it's just a little bit of shit. That's crazy. And I go, that's not a sentence. No one says it's just a little bit of shit. I go, don't you have other pants? He's like, yeah. I go, well, get the other fucking pair of pants. Yeah, that's why you don't look. Looking is bad. Yeah, yeah. When you don't want an answer, you don't look. Yeah. Bad reality in the cold light of day. He's a unique guy on a bus to live with.

for that nine guys, he'll just be like, you come in, he's like sitting in your bunk. And I'm like, dude, get your proven shitty ass off of my bed. Like that's, you have like, I put my shoes on. So wait, dude, he's an animal. He's the only guy just like his luggage is out and open. And then was it a slow reveal that,

That you had done this? In other words, they found... So they were filming. So the bus broke down and we were getting all that footage and stuff like that. But I realized Luke was hovering around me with a camera. And when I got off the bus is when the incident...

And it's a moment, right? It's like one quick moment. But I wasn't sure yet. Oh, right. Because you have to check sometimes. Because we have the two-finger dab and then the student. But I wasn't sure. Because you know how sometimes it feels like, is it wet down there? And you go, no, it's not.

And he comes up to the noose and does that. You got that on camera? All on camera, dude. I didn't realize that. And then he goes, you think they got a bathroom in there? So, I mean, this poor mechanic shop, it was a family-owned mechanic shop in, like, Arizona. And if it wasn't, if we weren't at that specific mechanic shop, I don't know how other mechanic shops are, but this bathroom was like a bathroom at a house. Like, they had a sink. They had cleaning products under the sink. It was like a powder room. They had paper towels in there. You took the underwear...

Right in the trash? Yeah. Well, first I checked because, you know, sometimes, you know, it feels swampy and it isn't. Right. Unfortunately, this time that wasn't the case. There was some action. For everybody involved. So I had loose basketball shorts on, so I thought I did it real quick. I just did like...

One of those. Yeah. And I knew it was bad news. Yeah, yeah. For everybody. Yeah. So I excused myself from the group, and I went in. And same thing with your dad. Somebody was in there. Somebody else was in there, and I was banging on the door. And I heard the toilet flush. It was Tommy Cassidy, our opener. And I was like, listen, I heard the toilet flush. Next thing I should hear water running. Get out of there. I got a situation. So I go in there.

Have to get completely naked. Yeah. I'm completely naked. And it's like a little, it's like, it's a chilly Albuquerque morning. So I feel that draft coming in. Yeah. Standing in these people's bathroom. They're live. Their livelihood is in the line. He's just like got a pair of shitty underwear and a brown ass on him. So I had, I threw them in the, I threw them in the, in the trash can. All right.

threw them in the trash can, cleaned up, had to clean. I was like the wolf. I had to clean up the bathroom, get rid of everything. And thank God they had, you know, you sometimes put a clean trash bag under the dirty one so you could fill it. They had that. So it was cool. I got away clean. Yes. I grabbed my bag. I threw my shorts on. I moved out, hook shot it in the dumpster, and that's it. The bus was fixed.

Let's go. Thought, all right, no big deal. Everything's cool. He doesn't think anybody knows. So at this point in your mind, you just got away with this, right? I used to the century. Yeah. It's like the Lufthansa heist. Jimmy! That was sad. Our producer comes out to me at lunch and he's like, dude, I have something that I probably shouldn't. I'm like, if it's in the world of comedy, if we can get laughs out of this, you have to tell me. I think it was very funny. And he's like, Foley, I'm pretty sure Foley shit himself.

I'm like, when? He's like, an hour ago. So I'm like, well, we haven't changed. We haven't shot. The bus is up on a jack. I was on the bus eating Cheez-Its at the time when this was all going on. We get back. So he's sitting there eating, snacking away. And I'm like, what? We're on the road. Because at this point, we're like, meanwhile, it's just the duality of the dichotomy of the show. He actively has...

in his underwear. Allegedly. And I'm like, can we get to Sprinter Van? Like, we have to still get six hours to a show. Yeah. That has to go, like, you know what I mean? Yeah, we're behind the eight ball. I'm like, we're calling rental car. They're like, no, you can't return the car to another location. We're just trying to figure out, we're like, can we get a plan? Like, anything we can do. They were all handling that. I had other business to attend to. And he's like, you think they got a bathroom in here? And I'm like, dude, what the fuck?

So then we finally, the reveal, we slow, we slow roll it. Just so happened, like we would do on a pod. I'm like, what happened at the mechanic shop? And he's like, oh, like he. I thought the service was great. Oh, you're still downplaying it. I said, yeah. And I'm like, do you want to get out in front of this? Or like, because I know what happened. And it was just like a. Yeah, lie till the end. Till they got you. Yeah. Till they got you on camera. Yeah. You need to see the evidence before. Yeah. Talk to my lawyer. I don't answer questions.

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Keep my hands on the wheel. I don't answer questions. Oh, my God. So that's in the doc, though. That's all in there. That's all in there, yeah.

I wanted that just to be the doc. I'm like, fuck the comedy ass. Just release this. That's the best part of the doc. That's going to be the highlight. It was the way it was shot and the way the editor did it and look back. Because we have so many angles of it that I'm like, this is maybe the funniest thing I've ever been a part of. It just shows you too that you can work at comedy for so long and a real moment like that will be funnier than anything you ever read. You need a fat guy to shit in a dumpster.

If you want the Emmys to call. So wait, you were on the Osempis then? I was on the Osempis then. And now, no. Now, I had it up and down with the Osempis. I know it's bad. I'm sure you got a lot of questions. It's bad news. I understand that. I'm aware of what I look like. No, I'm just, you know. We went to dinner last night. He had lobster three ways. He had three different kinds of lobster.

Wait, poached, fried. They had a lobster taco. Okay. A soup. Yeah. And then it's. You ordered the lobster taco. No, it's my fault. You ordered the other two types of lobster for yourself. There's Eddie V's. Eddie V's. Shout out to him. Nice joint. That's a nice joint right there. How was the bill? Heavy. Heavy bill. Yeah. But that's the one place we do splurge.

Steakhouse. And we really don't go anything. It's typical. We'll go. You can't go wrong at a steakhouse. And we only do. We only listen. We only do it in like, you know.

Once or twice, like, you know, like something like this, you know, we had like a long week or whatever. Like the first night we got here, we got the guys with us and stuff like that. You know, we, you know, we want everybody to have a good time. Have you been. Celebratory. When you come here, have you been to Jake Harvers? No, no. We went to three forks. How'd you like that? Loved it. Did you get the King's butter? What the fuck is you dropping that on me now? Tommy buns. Had a little King's butter in my underwear. You got to go back. You got to get the King's butter. Yeah. That place was expensive.

Yeah. That place was, that was a heavy bill. Well, you told me, I mean, you got here, you guys were like, we are spenders. We're just bad with money. We also almost got kicked out of Three Forks because we were pretty fucked up. Really? We probably shouldn't have been in there. I'm literally, I have this exact outfit on and I got a backwards hat on. Our producer's blind drunk, kicking shit, like falling into things. I was wearing a bathing suit. What? At Three Forks?

We are who we are, Tommy. We can't change it. Everybody's still green. Were they like, excuse me? I'm pretty sure they thought we weren't going to be able to cover the check. Yeah. We were in the middle of the dining room. It was nice. It was nice people. Yeah. Having nice dinners, enjoying themselves. You guys were just animals? Yeah. We started day drinking at like two. Okay. We went to Cisco's and East Tech. Shout out to, I don't know if you've ever been to Cisco's. Great Mexican food. Okay.

We're like, let's have a beer here. And then the weather was nice. It was like 75. Yeah.

Let loose, man. Yeah. It was our only off day. We knew we were in trouble when after we ordered, they came and they flipped out the leafs on the table. And I was like, at this point, I'm like in the walkway. And there's two nice couples having dinner behind us. We're screaming back and forth. We're doing this. We're doing that. We were a scene for that place. It's not like we had each other in headlocks and trying to put each other out or anything. How did you guys handle the Super Bowl?

Quietly. Quietly. I watched it at home with my wife. Because we went to the NFC Championship the week before. And I realized very quickly after that whole excursion that I wouldn't have made the... It was rough. Really? Yeah. How so? Had to walk to the subway. There was no cars. Had to get through Broad Street walking around. My feet were killing me. We were all fucked up.

I just knew we couldn't do another weekend like that. Like that. Were you considering going? Yeah. We thought about it. You know, in the moment, we were excited. Because that's hometown. It would have buried us. Yeah, hometown. It's also like, we got our boy, you know, the bottom of, you know, like Tommy Pope, Chris O'Connor, Gilly. And we always go to the game. Like, we always go to Philly's games or whatever big games together. And it was like...

It was like rally the troops type thing. Yeah. I don't know. Also, we're gonna have to pay for tickets like fucking schlubs. Oh, my God. I'm hitting up everybody in the lab. Hit up our agents like you made us like $700 last year. Get out of here.

They're like, we can get you into the party, maybe. And Super Bowl tickets are so crazy. They're crazy. Crazy. Yeah. I also didn't want to watch that in that environment because I was very anxious about it. I didn't want to go to any Super Bowl parties. I wanted to sit in the dark, quiet, and watch it. But you must have really enjoyed it. Not because I kept thinking, like, this fucking guy's going to come back. Right. If anybody could have done it, it's him. But there was a point where, like, it was probably in the...

Third or... The dagger. Yeah. The dagger dismissed. Oh, shit, this is really... This is happening. Also, it was such a beatdown. Crazy. I've never... That's a fucking ass-kicking. Also, like, the fucking Vegas people must have made out, because there's no way people were betting with these types of spreads. No, no, no, no, no, yeah, no way. It was also very, like, the Philly mentality is, like, we don't win, like, we have to eke out, which is very much like...

tooth and nail and then to have that you're like what the fuck I mean it's just so crazy to see not just how good you guys looked but like how bad they looked wild they looked so bad you know what it looked like it looked like when the sometimes when like an old mean coach makes his JV team play the varsity and

And they're like, these guys are way bigger and stronger. And this is not cool. Someone's going to get really hurt. That's what it looked like. It looked like two different leagues of teams. Really, yeah. There was a guy in Philly in the 60s, I think. He ended up becoming a...

One of the managers of this restaurant I worked at when I was a kid, the Blue Bell Inn, his name was Jack Friel, Philly legend. He was a coach of a Catholic school in Philly. The night before, like, the city championship or whatever it was, the varsity team got in trouble for, like, drinking or something like that. Starts, benches them all, starts the JV team, wins the city championship.

What? I'm not sure what it was, but it was something like that. There should be a movie about this. That's what I'm talking about. Some of these old guys, like right before I got to my high school in Florida, when I transferred there from Milwaukee-

The old, like, you could just tell the guy's mean AD was also the football coach. And he transferred out. So I never, I got to see him when I moved there. And then by the time spring came around, he was gone. And they were like, oh, yeah, he's a piece of shit. And they go, he would like, one time I remember I tried to, I asked one of the kids in my class, I was like, why don't you play football? He's like, I'm not doing that anymore. And I go, why? He goes, well, that guy, he.

He goes, just for his own amusement one time, made me run full speed. He was a freshman at a senior. And the senior was like the big fucking...

juice fucking guy he was just like 40 yards sprint at him and the fucking senior knocked him out like sent him into the unconscious and he was like yeah that was the last time I go yeah that's not that's a life lesson what are you talking about come on the next guy's not gonna make you do that he was like I'm done with that shit I'm not doing that again

He just did it to bully him. That's why these kids are soft now, Tommy. That's right. Do you see the fucking Rick Pitino thing? That's crazy. Now what happened? Dude, you got to pull this up. This is so great. I just saw this. Oh, wait. Maybe I'm thinking of something else. Go to Bleacher Report on Instagram.

They fucking, Rick Pitino is still at it. Fucking, he's been coaching, I feel like 45 years or something. Old schooler. Old schooler. So he's, I think he coaches St. John's now. They are, scroll down, right there. Where have you guys been? And when you click on that, you'll have to swipe and turn the sound on. Basketball player, dig in. This is halftime. Every time you miss a shot, we don't care about your missed shots. F*** defense. Cool.

He did.

Let's fucking go. God damn, that's scripted. Dude, so they're down 13 at halftime. Come back and win this game. Good for them, dude. This is halftime. Yeah, and if you scroll down, everybody's just ready to be like, I want to play. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah.

That's fucking, I mean, like, I'm always shocked by Coach, like, as performers, you're like, how did you hit all of those notes perfect? Like, they build the emotion, and then it's like, how do they do that off the cuff is crazy. Yeah. It's great. Think he likes an Eddie V's, huh? Oh, man. Sit down, baseball steak with him. Woo!

Get you straightened out. You guys are like children. You're sitting there. Where were you raised? Meanwhile, he's screaming at dudes that are like six, 14, 40. Just like, where were you raised, pussy? That's what you need. All my coaches in high school and college were like that, and I loved it.

It's great, right? Oh, it was the best. Yeah. It was the best. I love coaches that were, because there's this line, you want them to be tough but care about you. Of course. And some coaches don't know that you have to have both. But if they care about you, then they can say anything they want to you. I remember my football coach in high school saying he was hard on us. He came in when I was a junior and then like,

my senior year, they got like, you know, gotten their foot under them and stuff like that. And they really wanted to like build a program. And so he was, they was hard on us to like, you know, get everybody ready as the program moved forward. Um,

And I think I or another one of my buddies who he always like, you know, was just strong on was like, you know, why do you yell at us so much? And he was like, when I stop yelling, that's when you should worry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. Always stuck with me. Sounds pretty emotionally abusive. If you ask me, I'm doing it for your own good. Jesus Christ. We like that stuff back then. It was crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I'll let you.

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I fucking love it. By the way, oh, I had to bring this up. Christina told me to tell you. Shout out to the new queen of garbage. The new queen of garbage. She couldn't come in today, but she was, I go, because I told her how much fun she was going to have. You're going to have so much fun doing this. And then I go, how'd it go? She goes, I'm the new queen. I go, what? She goes, I'm the new queen of garbage.

And I was like, oh, I knew you were going to at least come close to the title. How much of that did you know? I know a lot. Did you know that when you were, like, started there? Did that come out after, like, as you... Well, I think you know, yeah, you know little by little, right? Sure. She doesn't put all those cards on the table the first day. There were some wild, like, you know, we'd go, like...

in the valley i don't know how well you know la but we'd be like in the valley and you know she'd show me this neighborhood and like i grew up in these apartments and i was like oh these suck um and then you know like yeah it was all like single moms that was that was pre-indian stepdad pre-indian stepdad my indian stepdad is the funniest sentence i've ever heard in my three indian indian step sisters that should be that's what he was saying that's got to be a book that's the name of someone's on the cover like this my indian stepdad it's and then he was out of his fucking

mind you know yeah criminal he's a real criminal yeah she said they were like shooting out windows and flattening tires and shit that ice cream he loves his pistachio ice cream and then we pulled into a parking lot and

And he's like, oh, hold on a second. And then fucking just stabbed the guy's tire. And then the crazier part to me is like that in and of itself, you're like, that's super psychotic, is that he gets in the car and that her mom was like. Yeah, like laughing at the high glider. Yeah, and they were like in it together. Like, fucking God owes me money. Her dad, too. First of all, the story of her parents getting out.

That's crazy. Going to an internment camp. That's nuts, man. Because they were in an internment camp in Italy, and he resents Italians so much. And I'm like, well, you were refugees. Haven't had a slice in 50 years. He's like, Italians are the cockroaches of Europe. That's like his...

That's his slogan. He hates them. And you're like, yeah, they took you in, though. Yeah. But he's like, fuck them. But yeah, then to Canada. And then did she tell you the story about why they moved to the States?

yeah it's like it seems like it's out of a comedy because they're she's working he's working in windsor well living in windsor forklifts because canada well no so canada he's a mechanic right right canada welcome is more welcoming to the immigrants and and refugees so they they settle in windsor ontario which is across the bridge basically from detroit right so he's

going into Detroit to work, but they're residing in Canada. He's like, one day I see a man in Detroit, a black guy, cool guy, with a nice coat and a feather in his hat. And you're like, you mean a pimp? Yeah. Huggy bear? He's like, this is who I would need to be with, these guys. And you're like, pimps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just get in the car and drive to California. That was the inspiration for it. He was inspired by the pimp.

And then went to California. Yeah. And then started pimping himself. How much? I mean, her life is crazy. It's crazy. It's proper crazy. What is your role in that side of the family? Do you have what or what are your experiences with them?

I mean, I don't know. There's a few things. He passed, right? Her need to stepdad passed. Her need to stepdad passed. Her mother passed as well. Oh, okay. So the first time I met her mother, what was funny to me was she was like, my mom's crazy. And I was like, yeah, my mom's crazy. Every mom's crazy. Yeah, we're crazy. She's like, my mom's crazy. And I go, okay. Okay.

So we've been dating, I don't know, a few months or something at that point. And she's like, okay, we're going to go to this restaurant now. And she's like, again, you know, just so you know, I go, just relax. It's fine. So...

I got this. We go to, we sit at this restaurant. Her mother comes in. She's got her hair's done. Blonde lady, very nicely done. Like a well put together lady, like nice sweater, pearls. Yeah. She said she was beautiful. Beautiful. Yeah. You know, has her makeup, nails. Like she looks very presentable. You're like, this is a nice, elegant woman in her probably what? Late fifties or something at the time. And I go, hi. And she's like,

And then she, Christina's here. I'm over here. She goes, and she does this little, she had this like little point with her. And she goes, I vent to Bloomingdale's and this fucking try to tell you. And I was like, yeah. And I look at her and she goes, I told you, I told you. And I was like, and then she just like goes off, goes off on the fucking Bloomingdale's and, uh,

She had a wild mouth. The dad did too. I mean, I don't think he was a saint. She told us her dad would take her to Club Med. That's crazy. First time I met her dad. I can 100% tell you when this happened. Because it must have been 2005. 2005.

Because I think that's the year that Michael Richards was on stage at the Laugh Factory. That makes sense. And dropped the N-bomb. And we went to his house the weekend after. He goes, what the fuck's the problem with saying that? I go, what? And he goes, why? He's like, if somebody is an N-word, why can't I say it? And I go, right? He goes, there's one across the street. Look at his lawn. And I go, what the fuck? Shit.

Those Eastern Europeans play by their own fucking rules. They don't give a shit. They're like words. What do you mean? It's like so like, I was in an internment camp for fucking four years. Words? What? This guy's in trouble? I go, he's in big trouble. His life is ruined. He's like, I don't get it. Anyway, how long have you been dating my daughter? I was like, oh man. How long have you been dating my daughter? This is nuts.

So, yeah, they were pretty... They were, like, intense, Eastern European, like, hardcore ones. And, yeah, her mom... You know, her mom was complicated. Like, she would be sweet, but also had this, like, fly off the handle. I remember one time she...

She had ended up in the hospital. I think she had fainted at a lamp store or something like that. And we went to the hospital. Smells like a slip and fall. And she goes, I had a stroke. I had a stroke. And we were like, oh, shit. And then the doctor was like, he took us outside. He was like, you shouldn't have a stroke. And we were like, what? And he was like, you shouldn't have a stroke. You know, and she fell. But...

Her mother, who was going through a lot of things, was like the attention. Yeah. Gotcha. And then I made a fatal error, which is that I was bedside with her and I decided to try to lighten the mood with a joke. And it was like a simple, playful joke. I was like...

well, you know, when we get out of here, you know, would you like to go dancing or something? Maybe we can go for, find a nice club to go dancing at tonight. And she was like, fucking dancing. I had stroke. No way to condense. And I was like, oh. And I thought it would be like playfully dismissed. Yeah. Like, oh, Tommy. Yeah, yeah. Just like something to like, you know, just lighten the mood.

She got really, really mad about that. That like, who's going to fucking dance if they had a stroke? And I'm like, well, I don't know, but you didn't. One, you didn't have a stroke. Yeah, that. But she got very mad about that. Yikes. Yeah. Yeah. That was why it was a great episode, man. Christina's awesome. She's great. It was the most requested, longest away to get. And like, we don't do episodes outside of the studio. Like, we've turned down a lot of people of like, no, just we're not doing it. But there's a special level. But I was like, we have to, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not coming to New York. I picked up on that over the past three weeks. And she had all the shit that I know would... She showed up from the emergency room. Oh, yeah, that's right. Josh, she said, we had to push it 30 minutes. She's like, she's at the emergency room right now. Something, something. She's bleeding. And I'm like... The kid stabbed her. What's going on over there? We can cancel this. She told me, she goes, I cut myself. I just cut myself, by the way, with the same fucking knife. Maybe we should get rid of these. Yeah, these cigars are a little fucking...

And I filleted open my finger. It was gnarly. And I was trying to just...

wrap it myself, and I was bleeding through it. I was like, I got to go. So I went to urgent care, and they put Steri-Strips and everything on. I was just lazy, trying to slice something through my finger. She saw... My kids are always grabbing scissors, screwdrivers, hammers. Yeah, they sound like great kids. For what I mean, I've never met them. I love you and Christina. These kids, I hope I never meet. I hope by the time they're adults, they're in the correct facility. What's the deal, man? You know those little electric...

cars that like kids drive. Power wheels. Yeah. The miniature ones that you plug them in. Always wanted one of those. You zip around. So they have a couple older ones that like they don't really use anymore. And I walk up the other day and they're just, like there's no steering wheel. There's two tires on one. They took it to a chop shop. The door is off the other one and I was like,

What the fuck happened? So I grabbed them like, what happened? They were like, oh, we've been hitting them with hammers. And I go, why? And they're like, they don't work. So we took them to the shop. And I go, what's the shop? And then they both pulled out hammers. And they just fucking like. You can't blame them. Good as new, Pop. Yeah. And I was like, this is cool, guys. Man. Yeah. Terrors. Yeah. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, we were just talking about it. The story where they ran through the construction site and broke all the shit. These kids, I mean, they sound like criminals, dude. Little rascals. They got a lot of spunk. They do. Stabbed their mother. You know their favorite thing to do with me? They call it torture time. So they go, it's torture time. And I go, okay. So that means you clear the bed, and I jump.

I get on the bed and then they pummel me. Sure. But like, they get like really like a punch. They, they choke me. They like, and I'm supposed to like, I get to pin them. And then as soon as they go, Hey, I have to let go. I was doing that. And I had one leg locked. Like I had one. A dad's leg lock. Well, fuck you. Oh yeah. And I, and I'm, I stopped paying attention to him.

And I'm with this guy. And then he's like, ah! He just starts crying. I go, what? He goes, your ass is close to my face. And I go, OK. OK, sorry. And then he calls for his mom. Dad, put me by his asshole. And I'm like, I didn't put you by my asshole. Man, meet the Seguras. Yikes. Crazy, dude.

Yeah, that was the first time that ever happened. Somebody came in straight from the ER who should have went to the ER the night before. Yeah, she let it bleed through. Let it bleed through. Oh, that's right. And then find out. I know she was maybe doing it half-jokingly, but I also think maybe she didn't want to admit this. She said she got bit by a snake.

I don't think she wanted to admit that her son stabbed her. He had a knife, and she went to grab it, and then he didn't let go. So then her hand went and sliced it. Sure. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, there's been snakes, too. One time they caught a copperhead, which is crazy, and they put him in a cooler. On their own? Well, with her cousin. Her cousin's like three years older. That's on their own. Yeah. Caught a copperhead? A copperhead, which is very dangerous. Put it in the cooler, put the cooler on the trampoline, and then I go, what the fuck? Why are you doing that? And then...

My nephew was like, I secured the premises. That's what he said. He goes, everything's secured. Did you know there was a snake in the cooler? No. I go, what is that? What is that on there? Copperhead. And I'm like, dude, that could really. They could fuck up the day. Yeah. That thing can fuck up. Yeah. They can fuck up the rest of what would have been your life. It's like something from Yellowstone. Yeah. Putting a copperhead in the cooler. Yeah. Hey, dad, open this. Yeah, they're fun. Awesome. Yeah, it sounds. Wild. Yeah. Yeah.

They are the best, though. I got to say, they are. All the stories I tell are like people, people who don't have multiple boys go like, huh? And then every kid who everybody who has boys is like, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was the same thing with me and my brother. Like we were. Well, it was lawless. Yeah. My mom was a single mom. My dad was, you know, there was split custody. So it was like.

I mean, at one point they were like, we weren't allowed home alone together. I just like stay after school because we would just fist fight. Like it would just be like, it would be hell in the cell until my mom got home. How kids like adjust your emotions. So yesterday I hear this banging.

I'm like, what is this? I get out. You know like workout bands? Yeah. They'd taken a band and they put it around a different type of toy car and they're pulling it, but it's hitting the walls. I go, hey guys, look at the wall. It's all banged up. I go, take that shit off and don't do it again. I go, now I have to have this touched up. You fucked up the wall. I have to pay for that.

And then my oldest, he goes, I can do it. Get the hammer. No. I go, I don't want you to do it. I want it to look good. So I would have a professional do it. He goes, it's just a little paint. I go, again. It's also like you're getting in a fight with him. I go, it's not happening. You're not doing it. Listen, you don't have the steady hand to do that, okay? You're definitely not doing it. Gives you an estimate. You're going to cost me money by doing this nonsense.

And then I'm fired up, and I go, just don't do shit like that. He goes, or maybe. Don't get so upset about a little bit of paint. Hey, maybe. Stop being a pussy. And I'm like... Because he's right. He's not wrong. You're like, all the stuff you have going on, you're worried about paint. It's like, yeah, of course. What are they, three years apart? Yeah, two and a half. Yeah, VMI, dude, it was the same thing. We were nightmares. One year we...

We had just moved from upstate Pennsylvania down to outside of Philly, and the...

The down by Philly, everything was way more expensive. So we were like my parents were kind of struggling. Yeah, we're living in a townhouse. They were trying to give us a good life. They were working their asses off and all this stuff. And my mom every year, she would wrap all the Christmas presents and put them hide some stuff, but put a majority of them in one of the like rooms downstairs where she wrapped them up. But there'd be no labels on them. I mean, so like, oh, these are for your cousins and all that kind of stuff.

My mom's working like a triple shift somewhere. My dad's away. Me and my brother are home by ourselves. Maybe we're like 12. I'm 12. He's 14. And my brother walks in. I'm sitting there watching TV. He comes in. He's got a brand new sneaker in his hand. And I'm like, where the fuck did you get that? And he's like, come here. Brings me into the room. He got a razor blade and slit open the presents and we slid them out. So once we realized we could do that, we looked at every single one.

I got this. I got Sega. I got this. Unbelievable. We piece it back together. Perfect crime. Don't do it right. We put it back. Next day, go to school. Come home. Usually my mom's there. My dad doesn't get home until whenever. He's sitting at the kitchen table. He's like, your mom's over at your aunt's. She's hysterically crying. Bust it. Ruin Christmas. It was like one of those times. Like, no yelling. Yeah. Just quiet. Bad. Bad.

Bad. We did the same thing, but we, me, we started when starter jackets hit early nineties. Hot. My brother, same thing. They were the shit. Four years older than me. And he was a, my brother's a fucking loose cat. He, especially as a kid, he was a fucking lunatic. Yeah. So he, same thing. He'd come upstairs, go back all the way into the deep behind the closet, behind the clothes, starter jackets. And my mom's in the kitchen and we walk, he's like, let's go downstairs with them on.

I remember being like, this ain't a good idea. I was like six. I'm like, I don't know. He's like, look at this. Look what I found, mom. She's like, you fucking piece of shit. Like just broke down. First time I ever heard her say fuck. She said, you ruined fucking Christmas. And I was like, all right, let's go to dad's for a couple of days. Wow. That's what boys do. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. I mean, like, I look back at like what we did to my mind also because they were divorced. I was like.

He would just be a dick to my mom. Like, no, you just, you know, you're like a boy. You're like, I'll do whatever the fuck. There's no father figure in the house. Yeah, one of my kids gave a C-note to a kid in school the other day. What? Yeah. He's got that kind of cash on him? I fucking, I was like, what the fuck, man? I go, what? He goes, hey, don't get upset. No one's upset.

And I go, okay. What for? He's like, he's a good kid. Good kid. Smart kid. Could use it. Straighten him out. I go, what are you talking about? He's a really good kid. I just want to do something nice for him. I was like, you don't have to do that for people. You don't have to give them cash. Where did he get the $100 from? I don't fucking know. He stole it from me. Jesus.

Man. Yeah. I was like, okay. I go, can we just... I go, I'm not mad at you. Can we just make sure that we are not in the practice of giving cash? Who dimes him out for something like that? Dude. School calls? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. They probably got them on fucking speed dial, dude. Yeah, yeah.

He was walking around like Henry Hill. What, did the kid rat him out and say, hey, he gave me $100? I think a teacher saw it. A teacher saw it and was like, is that a $100 bill? And they were like, yeah. What do you think, you dumb broad? I got 20s? Yeah, it's $100. Here's a little something for yourself. Keep the chocolate milk cold. Yeah.

Yeah, it was very... Don't wear that perfume tomorrow either. I can't concentrate, huh? Yeah. Trying to spell over here. Giraffe? I don't fucking know. So, yeah, he... I don't know, man. Those kids are... Yeah, they're wild. Damn, that's funny. Yeah.

Wait, let's talk about money. Okay. Can I have some? What's going on? Get your son in here. Get the kid in here. Is your spending out of control? I mean, we're not buying tigers or anything like that. You know? Things happen quickly. Okay, so you're an impulse buyer? Is that what the thing is? Um...

I'm just an idiot, man. He's been smart. He's been good. It took me like two years to... Last time I saw you, or at least when we were podcasting, you were debating about a car. Do you remember this? Yeah. You were like, I want to get this car. I don't know about that car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what did you end up getting? I got... You bought two.

What? He bought two. Oh, yeah. I bought two. Well, that car. So I had a Kia that got stolen by the Kia boys. Shout out to the Kia boys. Shout out Kia boys. Uh, that got stolen. Uh, so I bought a used, uh, Mercedes from Carvana that I'm pretty sure was in a flood. Okay. A little swampy. A little musty. Okay. Uh,

the way I look at it is like I've never had a nice car I've always I've always had the first new car I ever had was a Kia before that I had like a Mercury Montego and before that I had a Chevy Lumina actually I had three Chevy Luminas I kept crashing them and then but they were like 800 they were like 800 bucks at the time okay so I would crash them and then

Or they break or whatever. And then my mom would be like, I can give you $400 to a new Lumina. And I just had to come up with another $400. So we just kept replacing Luminas with Luminas. So then I bought a Lumina.

I thought, you know, because people buy nice cars, and I'm not like a car guy by any means. You smoke cigs in there, too. Yeah, you got to. It's a fucking 95 Chevy Lumina, dude. Put a little 50 cent and relive it. But you had a new one? No, I bought a 95. Oh, you bought a 95. It cost me eight grand to buy a 1995 Chevy. How's it running?

uh it wouldn't it wouldn't get out of reverse last time i yeah that's it i got i got like a powder blue one of those it wouldn't get out of reverse nah so it's not it's not inspected who's running away huh moving forward baby okay so yeah so that uh that cost me that was like a big thing for my childhood though like i just was like that will be cool i just want to zip around with my boys and just like do you do any type of saving

I do. The one thing I was able to do, well, I bought a house. Oh. I bought a house in the suburbs. A little fixer-upper. Okay. That'll be like the plan to get out of the city at some point because the city is fucking going to shit, dude. Is it? It's crazy. Why? Currently in my neighborhood, actively for like three weeks, four weeks now, there's a guy just running around.

Taunting women is the word. Taunting. Just like, you bitch, I'll fucking kill you. And then scaring away. And the cops are like, we can't do anything. Yeah. You're allowed to say that. You're allowed to say that. You know what I mean? Like,

You're allowed to tell a baby you're going to kill it. And that's what he's doing. Cool. So they can't arrest him. So he's just wandering around doing that. So the plan would be in a couple of years, start spending more time in the burbs. I like it. So I've been able to. I ain't going anywhere. It's funny because it's. For a long time. He's jammed up. They're a sponsor, but Acorns.

Shout out to him. I downloaded that. I'm just as bad as money with him. Okay. The way I look at it, I've spent every dollar I've ever made. Yeah. Up until like...

two years ago. I was going to say, not now, right? You don't spend every dollar now. Well, two years ago, I had to clean up. It was taxes. We were just... Because I was still running the books at the time, which I'm pretty good, but it got above my pay grade. And it was coming in, and I'm just going, here, take half. I'll take half. We'll figure this out next year. I've never learned anything like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I vaguely remember having an accounting class in high school, but I know I didn't pass it.

So if I have it. But now that you've been doing this, the podcast has obviously grown. It's become successful. You're selling tickets on the road. When you get money now, do you put some aside for taxes and or? Well, we got a business manager. Yeah, we took that out of our control. So he doesn't. He's doing that. That's new. So that's this year. This year is the first year I don't have to.

kind of wipe out my savings to pay taxes. Good. So that's pretty cool. And then he should be also easy talking to you about a pension. We're not there yet. No, like the, like you don't have to start with a lot, but like just contributing. Cause you know what you're saying? You don't want to. Yeah. He's going to have to tap into it like six years. Yeah. I got the acorns. Well, when I'm 88, I'll have a couple of mil. He looks at that. Cause they give you, if you keep the, if you keep contributing this, it'll be whatever. Look,

You're never too late to contribute to something that you can tap into after your retirement age. That's what I'm saying. You're not going to want to hustle the same level when you're an older guy, right? Sure. I am an older guy. He is an older guy. He's older than you. Am I? I guess. I'm 49. Well, then, yeah. What are you? I'm 45. You're doing pretty good. I used to have a lot more gray. This guy's all right, huh? Yeah, I mean...

You know, just... Yeah, we'll be all right. Yeah. I think. You will be. I have... Just bad... I'm just bad spending. All I'm saying is this. Like...

I'm in panic mode now. I learned this too. I learned this too. I learned this too, which is like, I've had different business managers and stuff. Nobody. You trust them. I trust my guy. I think, but blindly. Yeah. I just know he uses other guy. Like me. It's my friend's guy. Like he's the best. Our peers guy. And I'm like, no, if you have a good listen, he's not going to be stealing 10 grand for me. He's going to be stealing that guy's 10. Well, this is what you learn. What you learn is that you can hire the absolute best, best, best,

of the best and nobody will ever look after your money like you with more concern than you right so you so i gotta get i don't know if that's true all all you have to do what i'm saying is yes have you you should trust somebody if this is a trustworthy person trust them right

But ask for a monthly report. I got access to the... I'm so nuts. I got access to... So we moved banks to like, you know, they move it to like... They don't use TD Bank. Right. They go to fucking... They go to rich guy banks that don't have storefronts, which is shady to begin with. I used to work for very wealthy, rich families and they were all... It's like Sterling Bank or fucking, you know, all these things. You're like, where's that? Well, yeah, give me an ATM card, cocksucker. Let me go get my cash. But they don't do that. But...

Here's what I'm saying. Ask for like a monthly... Well, I have access to the... I have a login to the account. Okay, but then also... But I'm so nuts, I think they might make that up. No, no, they're not making it up. They're not making it up. I'm crazy, though. In my head, I'm like, if I was robbing you, I would go make a fake fucking landing page that says he has this much money and make a list of transactions. Well, look, it might be a Ponzi scheme, and in which case...

You know, best of luck. But in the idea that it's not, which I hope it's not, and that somebody is taking care of you, just all I'm saying is ask for things and ask questions. And you are only going to get where you want to be if you tell this person what your goals are. Because what will happen is if you go, I'm just giving an example. If you're like, my goal is like, I want to buy a house in this neighborhood. And you don't mention it.

Things are happening, and then when all of a sudden you want to do it, they're like, well, we didn't know that. They can help you structure it. I don't know what that is, though. I don't know what my goals are. It's kind of a little cash on me. Okay. I'm a little walking around. Do you have any debt? I'm asking a personal question. Well, I'm saying that could be a goal. I got a credit card bill that I pay it, though. Okay, I'm saying I'm giving you examples of goals. Do you have any non-revolving debt? Do you have any longer-term debt? What's non-revolving? Like it's not due at the end of every month. See, I know that revolving debt. Why wouldn't it be due at the end of the month?

Like a car loan isn't revolving debt. I got a lease. Okay, that's fine. I got my rent. Do you want to not have to work one day? Yeah. Okay. That'd be one of your goals then. Tell them that. Tell them that. I could do that now. Let's go back to being a bum. I'd be jammed up. Do you have a house? No. Then maybe you want to get one one day. Yeah. I'm just saying to tell them...

Tell them what you have on your mind. Don't assume that they'll know what it is your goal is. That's all I'm saying. Sure, no, I agree. I agree. I actually just did that. I was like, hey, man...

What would it look like if I got it? Like, when can I buy an apartment? Yeah. Right. Just because rent New York. So crazy. Just running the scenarios. Because he's like, these are the stuff you need to think about. Yeah. So I go, what would that look like? And he's sending it back. He's like, send me one you like. What's that? A very modest one, like one or two bedroom, you know, really like a one and a half bedroom. And what did it look like? Well, he's like, well, scenario one, you put this one down and this is what you're left with. Like,

Like, this is what you're left with. Yeah. And this is what you're left with, and this is what you're left with. And then... All three of them were in the red. Yeah. Like, he'd be like, you'd be left with negative $25,000. Okay. And I didn't involve... I thought you... Well...

Yeah, but here's the thing. He doesn't think, but I have money in a retirement account. I'm like, well, let's cash that out and buy a house. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, see, rich guys don't think like that. What do you mean? Don't do that. No, hold it. No, you shake it up. I shake it up. I didn't involve him in the planning of my wedding, which looking back. That would have been a good time. Yeah. He was hitting them up for payments earlier. What did this wedding look like?

Beautiful, Tommy. Really? I mean, it's Hawaii. It's Hawaii. Beautiful place. Beautiful. Did you get married on the beach? Yeah. Place called Lani Koanua in Oahu over at Koalina. Beautiful. Koalina is gorgeous. I got to give it to him. I thought it was going to be a clusterfuck. Yeah. He's never planned anything really for...

The tours, the show, like, you know, he's... Which I didn't really plan any of it. Sure, but I'm just like, this guy can't book flights. Like, how is this all going to go off without a hitch, you know? And I mean, dude, Dave, we got there, say the ceremony was whatever, 4 to 4.20, right? And then at the end, you go and get a drink, a little 10 minutes of cocktail hour. Former lieutenant governor did the wedding, had a nice quartet. Sun starts going down. Greeting drinks. You see the sunset perfectly hit the horizon for...

15 minute, yeah, everybody's got a cop head. Had to pay for that. That wasn't cheap. Yeah, yeah, no, none of it is. Weddings are a thing. You know how much it costs to get a sunset? Wait, how many guests? 150. Shit. Yeah. I told you briefly, I walked in, I went, who the fuck is paying for this? This is crazy. Yeah. You are, dickhead. I know. I know.

That's incredible. He's going to have me work until I'm fucking 70. He keeps going, we need a big year. We need a big year. Four years? Yeah. I just didn't understand it. I mean, I'm an idiot. You know what I mean? This is the first thing that's worked out for us. We can't be more grateful. Yeah, of course. And yeah, you know what I mean? It was kind of there. I was like, all right, yeah. Then it just kind of adds up. And then, man, when it was really getting close, I was like...

fuck, am I going to be able to physically pay for this? So what happens? We get like a monthly check, like deposit. You know, we'll take the rent and pay all the other stuff. Dude, it was like November. He's like, can I get December and January as well? Something of good faith. Yeah, yeah. If that didn't happen, I would have been bad. Really? Yeah. And I came back in January like, ew.

Straighten me out. Because here was the thing. He was working with it. He's like, what do you need? We can, like the business managers, we can figure this out. You know what I mean? I'm not going to let you be bouncing checks and fucking Honolulu. The main panic was, and I didn't realize this as we were getting closer to the finish line, is that we got a room block for everybody that was coming over. Okay? Which everybody, I mean, got banged out.

I got my whole family flying to Hawaii at Christmas. These guys came in for like three days. I came in for like 55 hours. Everybody's a little tense, but wedding was beautiful. Everybody had a great time. But I never did a room block before. I just assumed that if you get a room block, you're getting like a special, you know, you get a little discount because you got people coming in.

It turns out that whatever I tell them, like if I say, hey, I want 75 nights, you know, broken, you know, broken up like, you know, 10 nights, 10 nights, 10 nights, you know, whatever. I'm responsible for that.

Dude, he was... 75 nights at a beachfront hotel at Christmas in Hawaii. In Hawaii, oh my God. Dude, I signed the contract, and then I was talking to the lady, and I'm like, so wait, what does this mean? She's like, well, if for some reason that you only hit, say, 50 nights, you're going to be financially responsible for those other 25 nights. Holy shit. So around...

I would say August of this year, I was basically working for this hotel, pitching to my family. People started dropping like flies, too. They did? Yeah, oh, we're going to stay over here. Oh, my friend's got it. Your friend's got a place, got the pool. What are you talking about? So how many did you have to end up covering? None. It all worked out. Yeah, it all worked out.

No, it would have. No, that's stressful. That is stressful just thinking about it. I just would have swam out in the ocean and just kept going. I would have been done. If they were like, good news, you only have to pay for 19 nights for people that didn't come. Let me put it this way. When we got back from the wedding, I was on the bed fucking ripping open envelopes. Holy shit. Yeah. That's, yeah. Ah.

But it was a good time, didn't we, Kippy? We had a good time. You had a good time. Beautiful. Let me ask you this, because for everybody watching right now, you're either going to know that tomorrow or if you're seeing this after that there's a special out on YouTube. It's on the RU Garbage YouTube page. Yeah. It's the Route 66 Tour Special.

So it encompasses a bunch of stuff you guys did on the road. You documented a whole tour. What happens now? It comes out. Are you guys going back on the road? Yeah, we're resuming our regular tour. We go back out in early March to do a run. We're going to do a run in April. We're going to take a little time off in the summer from the road, and then we got an AC show, and then we'll start back up touring in the fall. Take back up in the fall.

in the fall. But yeah, back, you know. This was different. This was our big thing. Again, also, financially irresponsible. We sunk everything we had into this. Yeah. Like, yeah. Also, another thing. What are we doing here? So our new...

The one thing we want to do is we want to buy, we're like, let's buy a conversion van. Do you have an Acorns account? You want to buy what? A conversion van. Because that's a trashy thing. So we're like, all right. So you start looking. Those things ain't cheap. They're like 80 grand. Nice, though. So I run that by the business manager. Oh, yeah. And he's like, absolutely not. He's like, you got to insure this thing. You got to put it in a garage in New York.

I'm like, yeah, but like, we'll just pay a guy to drive us to hold drive to Pittsburgh. Yeah. We'll land in Pittsburgh then because we do like strings of one nighters. Yes. You know what I mean? Like clubs on the weekend, theaters on the weekend. So it's like we're out for a week.

You're paying Sprint. I'm like, this guy, I'll just get my buddy Ryan to just drive us around the Midwest. And he's like, saving that in Ubers and shit. He's like, dude, there's no way this will ever financially make sense. He's like, you're going out on the road 30 cities next year, right? I'm like, yeah, sure. He's like, that means it's...

You use it one month out of 12 months. It's got captain's share. Yeah, which is nice, right? Swivels. Got a TV in it. Yeah. I want to be able to sit in the captain's chair in the back right and turn around and talk to the boys.

I don't know. Conduct business. I'm a fan of it. Yeah, we're doing it against his better judgment. Oh, you are doing it? Yeah, we're going to buy it this week. So he's like, well, at least let me. It'll be with us in Pontiac, Michigan on March 8th. Yeah, exactly. Is that the first gig? Yeah. Dude, we literally have our idiot friend. He's like, this sounds like the best. I'll leave two days early and I'll meet you. I'll pick up an airport. How much is the van? Well, we haven't got it yet, but they're about 80. It's going to be a car payment. A car payment a month. You're going to put something down?

I don't know. So that's why I was talking to the business manager. Not that. No, it's a GMC Sierra. What are we, nerds? We're not zipping around in that. Savannah, right there. Yeah.

That's clean living right there. Pulling up in one of them. Like B.A. Baracus. Yeah. That is kind of a garbage vehicle, too. It's like fun. Ours doesn't have that tent on the top, does it? No, that's where you're staying. No. Yeah. And it's all sweet on the inside? Yeah, it's all leather, and it's got captain's chairs, TV, speaker, the whole nine. Radio AC. Oh, yeah. Rack and pinion steering. I like that you point out it's got AC on the radio.

Those are hard to find these days. I got two words for you. Power windows. All right? But the one thing is, you know, you travel a lot. Airbags. You're in different cars. All the time. And I go, if that's just our car for the Midwest to the East Coast, and that's just what we're in all the time, that's nuts. It's like a home away from home. One thing that is crazy. Somebody pointed this out to me. I forget who it was.

I was on the road one time and another comic was staying at the same hotel. This is like 10 years ago. And we were playing different places. And I go, are they coming to pick you up? And he was like, oh, no, no, no. He's like, no one ever picks me up. And I thought he meant like disrespectfully. I was like, what? He goes, oh, I refuse. Yeah. Like, what do you mean you refuse? He's like, these motherfuckers don't know how to drive. They're nuts. He's like, I rent a car in every city I go to. And I was like, you're out of your fucking mind, right? 10 years later.

Every other time I get picked up in a city, it is some fucking Yahoo who is talking to me. They don't care. I'm like, you're a professional driver. Brake checking, just driving like an asshole. And half the time, I'll ask when we get... If the drive isn't far, I'll be like, hey, can I rent the car? I'll just drive myself. I'd rather be behind the wheel. We'll get a Sprinter or something. We're going three hours between cities. Just get a Sprinter.

And those guys, you go, hey, can you slow down? That's another thing that happens. It's so dangerous. They're like, we're all looking. Then we're going, can you tell them? You say it. And it's like, we're afraid to be like, buddy. I know. And then they go, no, no, no. It's that guy's fault. I'm doing a speed limit. I'm like, you're doing 90. We had a dude stop for gas not that long ago. We had a show in Red Bank. We drove from the city. He was like, I got to get gas.

He disappeared for like 20 minutes. After 15 minutes of being in the car, he's like, I gotta stop and get gas. I'm like, what the hell's going on here? Yeah, there's a lot of fucking... Alright. And so my thing is like, hey, we got a driver that we know and can trust and can communicate with. Yes. We know what kind of car we're in. Your friend will do this? Yeah, he's...

Nuts. Chomping at the bit. He goes, he's like, that sounds like the coolest thing in the world. Yeah, conversion van. We're all, you know, with me. It's the boys. The boys are fucking, you know. How many people travel in the van? It's getting more. It's getting more and more, dude. Yeah, so we go, it'll be six of us. Okay. Yeah. It'll be six of us. Two producer. It'll be me, him, a producer. Well, your business manager will be a lot happier.

with this purchase if you use it for a lot more transportation. Sure. You know what I mean? Well, that's the thing. It's like you also landed six guys. You're like, we got to rent a car for a week or whatever. It's just, you know, I'm trying to sell it. It doesn't make sense financially, but it's fun. And we've, we kind of made an oath of like,

let's just spend money on being stupid and fun. That's what the whole show's about. That is what the show is about. The bozos and the homies, the fans want to see that. We'd be stupid to have a 401k. Let's get a fucking GMC Sienna. There you go. I wouldn't even know how to go about that. Yeah. If you don't know, just don't do it. Yeah, don't ask the guy we pay. Don't ask the guy. Plus, I don't know, the retirement thing, it's like you can't take it out until a certain age. Yeah, what? I know. I mean, the clock's ticking. You know what I mean? On all of us. Yeah. I need access to that cage now.

Fuck retirement. I got a florist in Hawaii looking for me. I would love to see the bills. Man. We were getting, I thought I had it all mapped out. We flew from New York to, I think, was it Minneapolis? Yeah. And then got on a, had a layover in Minneapolis, got on a plane, we're flying in. I got it all mapped out. Everything's been taken out. All the final payments are done. Yeah.

We're literally about to take off, you know, and I'm going to lose my internet. I look at my American Express bill and I go white.

Something was just like an invoice when I thought I paid it, but I didn't. And I'm like, man, this is going to fuck everything up. And then we get, and I'm like, wait, wait, I thought this was taken out, whatever. We get into a huge fight on our way there. And then I lose it. It's good times. I'm trying to text, I'm trying to text the, you know, the vendor, like, well, did you double charge me, whatever? And I lose it, man. Talk about a long flight. It's a long flight. Woo!

I remember the before like this is 2007 had miles and I had like I don't know points or something and I figured out the and I went to Hawaii with Christina and she was like this place is fucking I was like yeah it's no problem no big deal uh

And I had calculated that this trip with whatever I was doing was going to cost me $3,000. And then when I checked out... You forget things like breakfast. Sure. $29 a clip per person. More. Like a big breakfast. Yeah. And then I'm checking out, and they're like, here's your bill. And it was like $7,500. And I was like... And I didn't say anything. I just was like... And I left, and then...

I don't know. Six months later, I was still being like,

Fuck. And I believe that, yeah, that bill went to collections. Sure. Yeah. Man. And then they called me. I still got some stuff in collections. And I paid it. I paid it. And the guy, I was like, I paid that off. He's like, oh, the guy on the phone, he goes, oh, you a big baller? Little pussy bitch. He's like, you a big baller? You paid that off? And I was like, what? I was like, fuck. Just taunting you? Yeah, he was taunting me. That's great. Yeah. Big baller. Yeah. I was like, fuck.

Yeah, my activities leading up to this as far as like exploring different avenues of, you know, maybe loans or whatever has now led to my phone gets blown up. I am on some list of I am on the huge sucker list somewhere. I have these random. Hey, you're almost approved for this. You want to do it? I mean, I get like five a day and I'm answering them.

because I'm like, take me off your fucking list. I didn't fucking apply for this. But we try to explain to them that that's a positive to them. They go, he answered. You were one in 5,000 that answered. So they're going to go, that guy is a fucking fat idiot. He's going to give up at some point. He's going to be behind the eight ball and go, you can get me 10 grand today. All right, I'll do it. And this guy likes to swipe. That's what they know. They're like, this guy swipes this card. Give me 30% APR and I'll consider it.

If not, I'm losing money. Yeah, that's fucking amazing. All right. Well, thank you guys for coming in. Thank you, buddy. We love you. We love you guys.

Are You Garbage? Route 66 tour special comes out February 25th. It's on their YouTube channel. Make sure you check it out. Make sure you listen and follow Are You Garbage? And we'll see you guys soon. Thank you, buddy. Appreciate it. Bye, guys.