LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. We're here in Studio Burt. Hey, buddy.

Hey, it's, um, by the way, I, uh, for everyone that doesn't know the fires were crazy and I was wondering if this place was going to be here today. Yeah, no, the fires are, this is, uh, unlike anything that's ever happened. Um, it's always the thing. It's the biggest wildfire ever in Los Angeles. Yeah. Ever in Los Angeles. Um, they've already passed an estimated 51 billion, which is, it's going to grow by exponential amounts. Um,

The neighborhood that I left when I last lived in Los Angeles is completely gone. The house that I lived in... That house is gone. The house is gone. The school that Ellis went to is gone. It was a very walkable neighborhood, and all my neighbors, like I checked in with old friends, all their houses are gone. And also...

All the places that we would frequent, you know, like we would go to the CVS. CVS is gone. Gelson's is gone. Ralph's is gone. The gas station's gone. The Starbucks is gone. Like it's all gone. It's like it's hard to comprehend and to imagine that it's all gone. As of now, unless it's changed, I couldn't believe that the Palisades village was all intact. And I was like, how is that possible? And I guess it's because...

maybe that the buildings the structures are all stone you know like concrete that's the one thing the my one takeaway is why don't we make houses out of chimneys because everyone's chimney is still standing i know it's i mean it's all cost relevant the thing that i already was thinking of too because well two things are definitely going to happen one i was like all the scumbag pieces of shit that will scam people in some way out of this you're like i can't wait till the

the Dateline special that'll come out about how they're going to just prey on people, which is so horrible, but also how industries always come out of disaster. So I was thinking, because you go Malibu and the Palisades are two of the most sought-after neighborhoods in Los Angeles. They're fantastic. I'm so glad you're saying this, because...

You know, sometimes, Tom, I think – I want you to finish what you're saying, but I think I have horrible thoughts. I don't have horrible thoughts like I'm so glad they killed that CEO horrible thought, but I do have crazy thoughts. But keep talking about this because I've been struggling with like how I feel about things. Well, I just know what ends up happening is –

will come out of a disaster of this magnitude. So some version of this will happen. We'll be like, okay, first of all, you're going to have a lot of people leave. A lot of people are going to leave these places. They're going to be like, I don't want to live here anymore. 10,000 houses in the Palisades are going to leave. So what's going to happen is they're going to move to Austin. All those people are going to end up moving to Austin because they're going to go to Austin or they're going to go to Nashville or Denver or wherever. That's going to do so good for Kill Tony.

Okay. All right. Then you're going to have this thing where it's like, okay, I want to rebuild. I want to live again in the Palisades or I want to live again in Malibu, beachfront Malibu stuff. And people are going, really? And like, yeah, I want to do it. So then what will happen is, first of all, I think...

the value of this actual property has to go down. It'll be like, you know, so you'll go, oh, I can get in for less. And then what's going to happen is they're going to go, okay, how much, what are you going to spend on this house? Right. And let's just say you're like, I'm willing to spend, you know, $5 million on a house to be there. They're going to be like, cool.

So you're going to do about $3 million of what you thought you were going to spend on your home. And then $2 million are going to be in fire retardant products and builds. And so that industry will explode. You know, you're going to have, I think it'll be, first of all, I think they're going to pass laws where it'll be illegal to have homes.

and trees, anything like that in these areas, it'll just be like, yeah, we don't do that anymore. There is no such thing as landscapes. It'll be like rocks. It's just going to be like rocks and things that look nice, but that aren't actually brush. And then I think homes there are going to be like concrete homes and stone homes. It's like, it's the logical thing. And they're going to, this industry of like the, there's that spray industry.

that some places have done before that I assume is very expensive. They'll be like, yeah, we're going to build your house. We're going to do this spray. The spray is fucking $300,000 or some crazy amount of money. And then people will have to make the decision of whether they want to do it or not because there's no way they're just going to be like, yeah, throw up your wood house again. It's just – it's not – they're just not going to do it. And of course the insurance industry is going to be bent over sideways. Yeah.

In Tampa, after the hurricane, my dad's got a buddy whose son has a really nice house in a really nice area right on the water. And it's gone. It's totaled. And he wants to rebuild, but he can't. They're not letting him rebuild in that lot that he owns because it's got to be that you can't just do ground level anymore. You've got to go up a story. So you've got to put a house on stilts. It's crazy. Here's the thing that I've been wrestling with. And I don't know the right way to say this, and I –

Well, everyone understand that these fires are happening last night. So like I'm still processing it and everything I ever say is meant to be funny or at least start comedy or at least dive deeper into the thing. Right.

There is a thing that happens. There's a rubbernecking. Like when you see an accident on the freeway and you see everyone slowing down, you're like, what the fuck? Why are they slowing down? It's an accident. Someone's having the worst day of their life. Why the fuck do they need to slow down and look at it? But then when you get up to it, you're like, well, what did happen? And you look at it. And despite everyone believing they're better than the person in front of them, you're just as bad. Tom, I'm so glad you said that because this is horrible. But I thought...

There is going to be beachfront property available in Malibu. Like people will jump on this. For sure. It's the most coveted real estate in everywhere. And so what I did, and this is horrible, I'm admitting this, but like I looked on Zillow, everything south of Dukes was gone. Yeah. I went on Zillow and I started looking at what was already for sale.

And there's a house for like $6.5 million, 3,000 square feet, beautiful, gorgeous. It's gone. It's gone. That person who owns that house still has to pay that $6 million mortgage on that house. Yeah, they do. And they're trying to unload it. And now they're not getting $6 million. They're upside down on it. Yeah. So now someone will swoop in. There'll be insurance stuff. There's going to be people who – in that area, of course, people can afford – because you get –

In most places where it's not like fire zone stuff, you have your fire insurance, which is kind of part of your protection of all your property. But in heavy fire zone places, what happens for people that don't know is they go, here's all your home protection insurance. We're not covering fire. That's a separate policy.

And if you're talking about a home that's worth six or 10 or 20, dude, those insurance policies are insane. Now, people can afford to do it, but it's a crazy, crazy expense. So some of those people for sure had that great coverage and they'll have the money to pay off that mortgage. But then they have to go like, well, what am I going to do? You know, like now I have to do something. I don't have a house anymore. Yeah.

It's weird because I was trying to explain this to Leanne last night. We're watching it. I'm having a glass of wine. By the way, packed go bags. Packed go bags. Yeah, smart. All right, I'm going to tell you something. This is going to blow your mind, okay? So did you send an offer yet on that property that burned down? No. No, there is a part of me that goes, man, it would – there is a part of me, sadly, that says –

Wow, I do have a little money. I wonder if I want to move to the Palisades after this. There's a part of your brain that does do that.

Yeah. Dude, it's... Well, then I was like... And then I was like, I'm going to have to drive all the way to Culver City to get groceries because everything's fucking gone. Everything's gone. It's going to change. Here's what's crazy. It really is. And you'll have a, you know, a front row seat. It's going to change the landscape of Los Angeles for a while. Like that is...

We're not even talking like Pasadena, Altadena. Altadena is, for lack of better words, there is a celebration of rich people getting what they deserve in America. It's insane. It's insane. It's insane to me that we all want and strive to have wealth and safety and security. And then we look at people that do have that. And when they lose it, you're like, good, that's what they get.

It's disgusting to me. It's gross. But having said that, people in Altadena are very modest lifestyles. Those are our grips. The guys that built Hollywood, the guys that make the movie, that actually make the movie and dress you, my stylist, Jennifer Mae Nichols, lost everything. Lost her entire house, everything. I have multiple friends who...

who live in Altadena or Pasadena who lost their homes. My agent lost his home. His family lost their home. And those are not Billy Crystal. Everyone's like, I wonder if he brought his Emmys with him and his Golden Globes. And you're like, no. He lost his house too? Jesus fuck, what?

Billy Crystal lost everything. Really? Lost everything. And a lot of, I mean, and those are Palisades. Palisades is big money. That is where you make good money, you move to the Palisades, and it's absolutely gorgeous. Yeah, it's great. Altadena, by the way, that's where regular people, like that's where Leanne and I looked at Altadena when we were looking to buy a house. Steve Byrne lived in Altadena with his family. Steve Renazzisi lived in Altadena with his family. Like that's where like if you can afford a house for like,

$700,000 a million. That's where you'd move. And I know those are wild numbers, but this is LA. Things are different. Everything's expensive. But those all burned down. It's 17,000 acres. And so, but the, I forget the point of what I was saying. Hmm.

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As long as I've been podcasting, I am obsessed. Unlock 10% off your entire order this January. Visit betterbiome.com and use promo code 2bears at checkout. But anyway, so anyway, we had to pack go bags because what happened last night is we're all at the office and Runyon Canyon caught on fire. Yeah. Now, here's what I was trying to explain to you earlier. There's a thing about rubbernecking where you kind of – remember, I'm trying to talk –

and openly about it, and I may say some wrong things. You do. But where you watch the news and you see Altadena and you see the Palisades and you know it's so far away from you that you're almost watching out of curiosity, out of like, whoa, that's wild. And then it doesn't register with you. It doesn't hit you. Yeah. And then...

Runyon Canyon caught on fire and I was like, whoa, that's close. And then it becomes real. And then all of a sudden, this thing you've been watching the whole time becomes very intimate to you. It's like... And I was like, whoa. And then this side of the hill caught on fire. Down by...

down by Whitsitt and Ventura. That caught on fire. And by the way, I think they're starting the fucking fires. Because there's no way Embers from Runyon could have gotten to there. That was a fire that had to be started. You still think it's BLM? I think it's probably Antifa or BLM, yeah. That's fucking crazy. Because I remember you were telling me that. You were like, don't say this on mic. Shut up! No, that's fucking nuts, man. I think it's Anthony Jeselnik fans. It's...

It is crazy that people would start. And people who are starting, they also feel like once this many fires are going, they're like, fuck it, start another one. If you're of that mindset, yeah, start another one. There's a lot of kids that are like, fuck it, kill all CEOs. There are idiots that work in this office that thought that was a great idea. Really? Yeah, Tom. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what they said to me, the CEO of this company? Yeah, kill all CEOs. And I went, huh? And they're like, fuck them.

And I was like, that's the generation. You get a 28-year-old kid and they just, they go, they're like, I think they just don't think making money is possible. You know, like America is kind of fucked. Well, that is a big thing. That is a big thing, a difference between now and like the 1950s, let's say. In the 1950s,

The big thing that kind of everybody bought into was hope. You had hope that you could get a house, a nice house in a nice neighborhood, that you could get a good job, that you could work it, that you'd have a nice pension and that you'd have a nice life. And one thing that's eroded over the last 70 years is

is the idea that everybody has hope. People just don't, they don't see that anymore. They just go, no, you just work to fucking catch up on some bills that you never catch up on. And so, yeah, fuck people who have found a way to have that because I don't have it. And there's a lot of people that think that way. And I understand why you would think that way.

I remember, I mean, I'll be very candid. I remember going to parties when I was married with Georgia and Isla and going to parties of people my age and they had like a $2 million house and being like hopeless and being like, how the fuck did they do this? Yeah, yeah, of course. And I'm asking like questions like, so what does your dad do? Like, how did you get, I don't like. I remember too. I remember when we lived in, we were renting a place in Silver Lake and seeing like an open house.

And we're in Silver Lake. Silver Lake, for people that don't know, is the east side of Los Angeles. It's kind of a trendy, hipster neighborhood. It used to be like a dicier neighborhood that kind of became gentrified. But it's kind of like a cool, you know, Williamsburg type of neighborhood in Los Angeles. And we're living there. You see like open house and you pull over. You just take like the flyer. And, you know, we're renting a place and working the road 45 weeks a year.

And you see the flyer and it's like $1.2 million. And you're like, what? Like, how the fuck would I ever buy a house? Like, that was just the thought. I guess we'll just, I guess maybe in a dreamland. Like, how is this possible? This isn't. I'll be a renter for the rest of my life. Yeah, of course. By the way, I got to say the funniest phone call I got last night. Was it from? Maybe like 10 o'clock at night. Maybe 10. No, maybe no. It was probably like seven. Was it Michael Winslow and he did a bunch of sounds and stuff? Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

You're in the right area. Oh, yeah? Dice. Oh, Dice. Dice is so great. Dice is, hey, where are these fires? You know, I'm about to do a Dice impression. Yeah. Hey, Dice, yeah. Hey, Dice, you know, hey, yeah. It's uncanny. I feel like he's right in front of me. Go ahead. But Dice is a dad, and his kids are here.

And he knows I'm a dad and he knows that, you know, we know each other. And he's like, he's like asking where the fire is telling me where his sons are. And he's like, if, if, you know, like in a real moment of passion, he goes, and I'm, but Dice, I'm sorry if I'm oversharing. It made me laugh so hard. He goes, if my boys need some help, can you take care of them? And I said, of course, Dice. I go, yeah, you need me to go get them and pick them up or something. And he goes, Bert, they're 34 and 32. Yeah.

I go, he goes, these fucking idiots, they won't fucking leave the house.

He just made me laugh so hard because I only remember them when they were kids. Yeah. So I just figured they're still kids. Yeah, I'll go pick up your kids. And they're in a house scared by themselves. They're grown men. They had children at that age. Yeah. With Dice, you never stop being a dad. And Dice Man was all night texting me and calling me, checking on the fires. He was freaking out, man. I was freaking out too. Well, yeah. I don't know.

Isla was losing her mind. Is she at college right now? She's at college. So we... I gotta... This is the thing that fascinated me. I'm curious to know. So I didn't see this out of me. So we... So...

Runyon catches on fire. We send everyone home. We're like, everyone go home. Everyone get safe. By the way, Sarah's got to drive over the hill. She's got to drive over the hill on Laurel Canyon, Tom, by the fucking fire and gets rear-ended on her way there because everyone's driving like it's Armageddon. Fucking Hollywood Boulevard, bumper to bumper, people leave their cars. I mean, fucking chaos. It's chaos in Hollywood. Can't sell my set at the store. That's a big deal.

They close the store. Is that on the news? Oh, they close the store. Okay. So we go home and Leanne says, hey, are we going to pack go bags? Because, you know, you never know. Yeah. All these things that I thought were very valuable in my house, like the trees. I love the trees by my house. That's why I bought that house is the trees. It makes you feel like you're not in L.A. Now those are fucking tinder boxes waiting to go up. I'm like looking at these trees going. What's in the go bag? Did you put passports? Okay. Passports, cash, money.

Guns. And that's all that's in the go bag right there. Watches? Hold on. So then Leanne says, what's valuable to you? And I said, I don't know. She goes, go room to room and see what's valuable to you. And so I'm like, I'm a really sentimental guy. And you know how sensitive I am. I'm like, this is going to. I go, babe, I shouldn't even look in the rooms because I'm going to take everything.

She was like, no, go room to room. I'm going to go room to room. She goes up to the girls' rooms. She texts the girls. Isla writes back, grab all my lamps. We're like, what? Lamps? She's like, I love my lamps. And make sure to get all my clothes, my shoes. And we're like, what the fuck? Isla wanted everything. Yeah. Isla wanted everything out of her room. And then I was like, what about your cat? She was like, dad, of course bring my cat. And so...

I go room to room. Leanne gets all our pictures, gets our hard drives of all the childhood videos we have. Leanne got all her jewelry, everything. I went room to room. Tom, I didn't want anything in that house. I didn't want anything in that house. I went room to room. Because they don't mean anything to you. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And I went...

And I said, well, I should get my watches just because it's money, you know? Yeah. It is money. But I was like. Did you get the box, by the way? What box? The watch box? The watch case? No. No? Wait, maybe. Did you send me one? Yeah. Was that you that sent it? Yeah. Let me check with Leanne. I think it was. Yeah. I think she thought it was someone else. Hold on. That was you that sent that? Yeah. Remember we had a conversation and I was like, it's better when you can see them.

My wife. You know we started couples therapy yesterday. I did not. No. You know we're on a podcast right now, right? I don't care. Okay. I don't care. Playoffs. We're talking about playoffs? You bet we are. Get in on the action at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. Scoring touchdowns is the key to winning in the playoffs, and you can score big by betting on them at DraftKings, the number one place to bet on touchdowns.

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So wait. We started Couples Therapy in a good place. We weren't fighting. We were like, yo, we should be in Couples Therapy just to make sure we get in front of anything because we're by ourselves, no kids. And I totally won. I won the first one. I fucking killed it. I killed it, Tom. I killed it. That's not how that's supposed to go. I fucking destroyed. I won so hard.

I won so hard. Tom, I got her off. Did you get the therapist to go? I fucking shook her. I shook her. She was awful. She was like, you know when you cross over someone and they're like, break their ankle? That was Leanna therapy. Wow. Congratulations. That's awesome. Anyway. Who did you think it came from? Leanna thought we bought it. Leanna said, oh, you know what this is? We bought this. There's a card in there. I'm bringing this up in couples therapy. Okay.

Well, hey, by the way, I love that. I love that box. Thank you. I'm glad. I love it. I really do love it. I can see the watches and I really love it. And by the way, because of that, I now will switch out watches on different days and I never would have ever done that. I would just put a watch on and just leave the rest in the closet. There you go.

But... So I was like, I'm going to grab watches for my go bag. And then I was like, guns. I'll get my guns. I'll grab my guns. And then I was high one time at Home Depot. And I was like, you know what I'm going to buy? I'm going to buy these crazy panel lamps that are like...

20,000 luminums or whatever. And I'm going to get a chainsaw just in case shit goes sideways. And I grabbed those, my shotgun, my chainsaw, and my panel lamps. And I was like, grab my medication. And that's it. That's it. That's a good go bag. There's nothing in this house that I want to take with me. And then is the bag like by the door? Like do you like leave it by the door or what?

Yeah, no, I just left it by the fireplace, ironically, but I left it by the fireplace. And I was like, all right, if we need to go, we got it. We can take it. We can bounce. I can't believe I'm here. I got to get the fuck out of here. I don't know what I'm doing here. Dude, I was jealous. I was jealous that I didn't... You know, a while ago, this is why we're looking at houses in Nashville right now, is my business manager said to me...

You know, you might want to diversify, you know, your properties. And I was like, what do you mean? He's just like, I don't know. Your houses are like a couple blocks from each other. Like if something happens to, you know, one of the houses might happen to the second house, like an earthquake. And I was like, I don't understand. And then I very quickly understood what he was saying. As I was like, oh my God, if something happens to this house, it's happening to this house. The only thing I really, really, really, really, really wanted was my tour bus.

Like that was the one thing I was like, I would, I could get in that tour bus and leave tomorrow and not have to pack a go bag. Just grab my shotgun and my, my chainsaw couple, put a watch on the other wrist and bounce. There you go. Give Ron a watch to make sure he drives a tour bus. Yeah. Cause you know, Ron's bringing his sisters. I haven't heard anything about violence yet. Cause sometimes disasters are,

you know, trigger people in a way. Um, but like having, having protection is a good idea. Like you have got, yeah. Do I get an AK 47 shotgun? Okay.

And two pistols. And a bow and arrow. And I have a bunch of knives. And a machete. And a chainsaw. Okay. I will... If someone tried to loot my house, I will take them captive. I will take them captive and bring them to the basement. And they'll be my treat every time I feel bad. Or like I read something negative on the internet. I'll go down and fucking torture them. I think crazy things a lot. Yeah. Especially in moments of disaster where I go... Hearing like...

you know, my agent lost his house and, and the idea that like, that like, uh, like that is his kids have none of their shit. Yeah. It's really sad, man. Like they have none of their shit. Like it, it's just, I mean, it's one thing to move and to like kind of clean up your house and stuff, but to where were they? You have nothing. They were in Pasadena and Pasadena and it's just like, it's heartbreaking.

And then think, I mean, you just start looking at your stuff. You're like, so I lose all my cars, right? All my cars are gone. I still got to pay the note on them. My house is gone. My other house is a block away. That's gone. My tour bus is gone. My podcast studio is gone. Like, wow, this is really. Would you seriously, would you move to Nashville? Is that what you would do? If everything burned here? Yeah. I don't know. I'd probably, well, I know what I'd immediately do is I'd move into your fucking guest house in the back. Cool. Yeah.

I would absolutely move into your guest house. Okay. And I'd sell it to Netflix, a new comedy series called Uncle Bert. And I'd raise your boys. The boys still are like, remember when Fat Sticks was here? And I'm like, yeah. I bet I wouldn't even recognize them right now. No, you wouldn't. They've grown so much since you saw them last. Really? Yeah. Are you going to let them play football? Of course. I'm not fucking straight, dude. I'm not going to.

Yeah, I have zero hesitation about that. I'm wanting it. I'm encouraging it. I'm also being like, hey, you like Roblox? You want more Robux? Fucking play football. Some real benefits. There's a lot of bonuses. I wish both my girls had played more sports, and then one time Georgia goes, I only played softball to connect with you. And I went, oh, God. Oh, really? Yeah. I would never like to.

I never liked it, Dad. When my kids get to middle school, high school age, if they're like, yeah, I'm thinking about playing football or whatever, I'll be like, how's 10 grand sound right now? For real. And if they're like, what? I'll be like, I'll give you $10,000 if you sign up. And if you don't, I'll take something away from you. Be like Sean Payton and create bounties on people. Dude, you know my dad told me that when I was going to college? Yeah.

When I was like, yeah, I'm done with football, he was like, if you get a scholarship somewhere, I will give you that amount of money. I was like, really? Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, that's how much he wanted me. But I understand it now. I would definitely do the same thing. Yeah, it gives you something to look forward to. I used to love going to softball games. Of course. It was awesome. And then when it stopped, I was like, I remember, man, that was the biggest fight George and I ever got into. She quit softball during the pandemic. They weren't even playing, Tom. They weren't even playing.

They weren't even practicing. She was on the team. I said, you're going to be a four-year lettered athlete.

You're not going to play another game of softball. She goes, I'm quitting. And I was like, you're not quitting. I'm telling you right now, we don't quit in this family. You're not quitting. She was like, I'm quitting. She was fucking 15, 15 years old. Because she just hated it? You're not quitting. And she fucking quit and sent the coach a letter. It was like, I quit. And then the coach reached out, and I was like, I fucking lost my shit.

That's the one thing you don't get is like girls at like 15, every child, every father that has a 15-year-old daughter is dealing with a girl right now. They suck so bad. They suck so bad. You know, I got to say, you're totally accurate. I mean, we both had two sisters too, and I remember that era, like when each of them got basically like late middle school, like 13, 14, like,

They both turned into such monsters, and it doesn't taper off for a few years. They really were monsters. Oh, they were. It was brutal. I mean, it was... George and I, thank God, when she went to college, I think she...

Being away from me she realized how much I loved her I don't know whatever reason the first time I went up for like a parents weekend We were back. It was like old-school, Georgia, and I was like thank God But it was a few years through high school. Yeah. Oh, it was so tough, dude I remember I was just talking to another dad about this the other day I forget who but I was like yeah, it's and it brought back like psycho ex-boyfriend energy out of me yeah where I was like

I was like, you know when you're getting cheated on and you can feel it and you're like, something's happening. And then you start acting even crazier and then they want nothing to do with you? Yeah. That was my relationship with Georgia. I remember one time saying to Leigh-Anne, I go, I got to pretend like I'm just not that into her. And Leigh-Anne's like, what the fuck? I can also already picture how as Georgia now ages, like when she's like 28, you're going to be like, remember what a cunt you were when you were 15? You're going to bring it up all the time.

She's going to be like, huh? You'll be like, you fucking sucked. You know what the coolest, I think I've told you this, you know the coolest thing? It's so funny. We're driving her to school, me and Leanne, and she goes, she like looks at me and she goes, yo, you know Duncan Trussell? And I was like, yeah. She was like, how long have you known him? I was like, I've known him probably since you were a little girl, since we moved in. That's when I met Duncan. She was like,

hold on, I can't believe you know my favorite podcaster. And I was like, you like Duncan? She's like, dad, I'm obsessed with him. And I got such cool credit points because I was friends with Duncan. And I was like, she was like, hold on, what's he like? And then we listened to his podcast together. I go, what made you think this? She goes, he was doing an episode with Natasha Leggero. Do you know Natasha? And I was like,

Yeah, Georgia, of course. I know Natasha she goes and your name came up and dad I have never been more freaked out in my life. I had to hit pause and go what I

What happened like I can't she goes I couldn't I was afraid they were gonna trash you and then I couldn't like my favorite podcaster anymore Wow, I was like and it was I know it was crazy, but it was they were talking about Natasha taking her shirt off on stage Oh, yeah, you were there that really yeah, she was like did that really happen and I went yeah She was like wait wait hold on and then we listened to Duncan's podcast together and George is like dad

dad, he is so fucking smart. I was like, yeah, he's wildly. He's very, very. Yeah. He, um, now my kids are always like, do you know Mr. Beast? And I'm like, I mean, no, I know. I know people that know him and they're like, oh, that'd be cool. Do you know Elon Musk? I'm like, and they're like, that'd be fucking cool. Do you know Donald Trump? I'm like, well, for fuck's sake, like, could you get somebody a little fucking lower on the list? Donald Trump.

I had a gig come to me and goes one of our family friends is like came up and he's like you comedy right? I was like yeah, and he's like do you know Tony Hinchcliffe? And I was like yeah, he's like you need to get on kill Tony. I was like thanks. Thanks I'm on it, and he's like what I thought I've been on it He's like no, and I said no I have he goes no like as a comic And I went do you want me to do one minute on kill Tony? It was like yeah, do to really help your career. I was like well it

I was like, cool. I was like, I've been on the panel. I think that's better. And he was like, no, no, no, no, no. Those comics, they're the best comics in the world. Trust me, that would help you out. And I was like, thank you. Yeah. I was like, just so you know, I just comped tickets to the arena for your parents that I was at, but that doesn't matter.

Yeah, well, it's a big show, man. A lot of fucking, a lot of stuff happening. Same kid. This is the best. Okay, if you, this is the best thing I've ever done on accident that made me laugh hysterically. It's that same kid. I want to give him a shout out because he's just, he's a fun fucking kid.

We met up when Leanna and I and the girls were in Italy. His family happened to be in Italy. And we all met up, okay? And they were going to take a huge tour through the Amalfi Coast. This kid has got to be like 13 years old, okay? Maybe 14 years old. And he was... We were looking at like the horrible touristy ass. And...

One of the hats was covered in pot leaves. And he was like, my parents would never let me have that hat. And I was like, fuck him. I'll buy it for you. And he was like, for real? And I was like, yeah. It is the dumb. It's like a black and just green pot leaves all over the hat. Yeah. So I buy it for him.

Two weeks later, his mom texts me and she goes, you ruined our vacation. I said, what? She goes, every picture we have of us on the Amalfi Coast, my son is wearing this horrible pot leave. You made the vacation. I couldn't stop laughing. And then she sent me pictures and it's them like on a beautiful boat, their whole family. Everyone looks great. He's got this.

I want to make a shirt, Tom. I want to make a shirt for two bears.

That we sell that you buy for your family's kid that's cool as shit. It's a coveted shirt. But you buy for someone in someone's family when they go on vacations and they wear that shirt and ruin every picture. It should be pot leaf. That is the dumbest shit you can buy. Like just covered in pot leaves. Just covered in pot leaves. It should be two bears with reggae fucking Rasta hair like dreads.

And just pot leaves everywhere. Just absurd. Every picture. They're in Tom. They're in like there's one where they're all on a boat. They must have like rented a boat for the day. And they're all in white linen. Even the kid. And he's got this pot leaf hat on. I bought I bought an El Chapo hat. It's just a hat of El Chapo. His face.

And there's people who would be like, what the fuck are you wearing that for? I'm like, well, it's dumb. I just got it. But I think we can do a whole line of El Chapo stuff. There's no way anybody has estate rights on that. They don't care. We should just do all cartel guys, like a cartel line. Escobar, El Chapo, the Arreado Felix brothers.

Just like a line of clothing to ruin pictures. Yeah, that's a good idea. A line of clothing for like a... We make a Christmas shirt. Yeah. And it's just a horrible Christmas shirt that people just go, oh, I'm wearing that to the picture. Yeah, yeah. And then they... I love it. That makes me laugh so hard. Isla was so bad at taking pictures when she was... She would make these faces. She would go...

And I don't know why, but every one of our childhood pictures, she is making the most horrific faces. Well, I'm glad there's another kid doing that because my fucking nine-year-old does that too. So every picture, I'm like, hey, you just fucking smile. And he goes like, I'm like, okay. This picture's horrible, man. Have you guys done like a family photo?

It's been a few years. Yeah, it was really fucking hard to get it. They were... They're both just insane on something like that. Especially... You just can't get Ellis to... No. Like, yeah. I'm sure... We could do it, but it's difficult. Yeah. We probably should do it. Maybe that's my goal, is my goal is to just buy stuff for your kids that you don't want them to have. Cool. That is cool. Like...

Like, that's the fun part. Like, I bought my nephew one time a drum set. Yeah. And they're like, what the fuck? We don't want him playing drums in the house. You're like, yeah. By the way, do you do Christmas presents for your sisters and their families, too? Like, you know? Not this year, but yeah. Yeah, so, like, we were doing, like, you know, what do you want to get? That kind of thing. And, you know, my sister would be like, what should we send your boys? I'm like, well, you know, he likes...

roblox he likes cars and then she's like oh yeah you should get um you know my daughter this and then for uh my son who's 12 she's like maybe like um a sofa and i'm like i'm sorry your 12 year old wants a sofa that's what he was like he was like cuz santa bring me a sofa and i'm like oh is this for your living room like she's like nah i just we really would he's he really wants

He really wants this sofa from Restoration Hardware. I'm like, cool. It feels weird. Oh, my God. I have an uncle. I have an uncle who's going through some health issues. And I reached out to his daughter and I was like, hey, can I, you know, how can I help? Like, how can I help? Is there anything, you know, like I can do? And she was like, yeah, you know what you could do is you could, uh,

you could remodel their bathroom. So crazy. Just, yeah, just like a full remodel. And if you really want the kitchen could use it too. And I was like, yeah, you want me to remodel their house? Yeah, dude, you asked to help, right? Don't you want to help? And my mom who's, I'm so used to that. Everyone knows this about her, but she's like traveling with us over the holidays. And she's like, I love her only fans. We were, we're working on it. She's coming in.

Next week we're going to be in studio with her and we're going to really try to encourage it. Trying to show her how this could really help her out. She doesn't want to fart on it, but I think we could probably work up to it. She's going to do hopefully morning greetings to show you what she's doing during her day. I think she could get a nice little following going. But she's like, I love your backpack. And I go, thanks. She's like, can I have it? And I go, of course not.

I just got it. It's mine. She's like, I love it. I go, I don't care. You're not doing this. And she's like, oh, it's so nice. And I go, you don't even use a backpack. I travel every week with this thing. And she's like, can I have a bag? You have so many bags. And I'm like, what the fuck, man? Like, and she's like, you do. And I'm like, yeah, I do. I have a lot of luggage because I travel for a living. So I go, fine. I'll give you a bag. You promise? And I go, yeah, I promise.

So I'm like, what kind do you want? And she's like, the one you carry. I'm like, a duffel bag? I go, you're 80. You're going to throw a fucking duffel over your shoulder? And she's like, yes. And I'm like, okay. So I give her one. And I'm like, here you go. Here's a duffel. It's a nice duffel bag. And as I'm driving her, I'm like, you're not going to use that. And she's like, why? I go, because it's empty right now. Once you put shit in it, it's going to weigh like 30 pounds. You're going to lug a fucking bag around.

And she's like, "I think you are right." And I go, "Fucking thank you." And she's like, "I give it back to you." I'm like, "Yeah, that's not, you're not giving me something, it's mine."

And she's like, do you have a different bag that has wheels that I can have? And I go, fucking fine. I'll give you. She's like, but it's nice. And I go, yeah. Of course, I'm always like, you could just buy one of these. And then every time I say that, she's like, I don't have what you have. I don't have your income. And I'm like, yeah, but you act like you're destitute. Like you're on welfare. You could go buy a bag. No, I can't. If you don't want to give it to me, I just won't have a bag. And I'm like, okay. I have no bags. Yeah.

Yeah. She did that with the phone. She goes, what kind of phone is it? I'm like, it's an iPhone. You know what the fuck it is. And she's like, which one? I'm like, the latest one. And she's like, do you have one that maybe you don't use anymore that I could have? And I go, absolutely not. No. And she's like, well, I have the iPhone 11. And I go, great. Go buy the fucking 16. No, I won't do that. And I go, OK, then stick with your fucking 11.

And she's like, why can't you just give me one of your old phones? I go, because I'm not doing that. I throw them in fires. I just let them explode. So she's like, you throw them away? I go, yeah, computers. I break them in half and I throw them in a fire. So you can't have any of them. Why can't you go to the store and buy a fucking phone? And she's just like, I'm not having this. She's like, I won't spend that kind of money. I'm like,

All right, then just stick to your fucking 11. Like, I'm not doing that. I'm not buying you a phone. Go buy a phone. Is she full-time in Austin now? Yeah, yeah, she's in Austin. How often do you see her? I mean, lately it's been quite a bit. I mean, you know, a few times a week at least. Does she knock on the door or does she walk in? Oh, fuck no. No, no, no. She'll call. She's scared to drive. Like, you know, we fucking pick her up or something, you know? Yeah, she's not...

She's not just going to show up. And how often do you see your sister? Usually around the same amount of time. A few times a week. Yeah. A few times a week. But also, I'm back to touring again, so I'm going to be gone a lot. I assume they'll be at the house a good bit on weekends that I'm gone to, just to see the boys and be around. So they'll probably be at the house a good bit, but...

Yeah, I mean. It's crazy that your sister lives in Austin and she's got to start a life in Austin. Yeah, I know. I'm trying to, I'm introducing her to people and she'll get her work stuff going, but I think she's going to like it a lot. If you could hook your sister up with one comic, who would it be? Fuck. How old is she? I don't know. 35? Something in late 30s. Yeah. I don't know. I think it's a pretty horrible thing to do to her.

I always tell like when I meet people and they're like, oh, you should, don't you have any friends for this single woman? I'm like, I would not do that to you. You deserve better. Like the comedians are not who you want to be dating. No, I would never. They're such horrible people. Most of them, you know. That coming from a comedian, comedian marriage. Yeah. I'm like, but like most comics, I'm like, yeah, dude, you don't want this. You really don't. Yeah.

There's a, there's a really a small group that I would, I mean, I would actually have a hard time coming up with that list. Yeah. I can't imagine. I can't think of one comic where I go, well, Bobby Lee would be someone I'd set someone up with. Yeah. Well, that makes sense. I love Bobby. I love Bobby. I don't think I saw him the other day and he was like, he, he is just, he is always, always on. Yeah.

He's so funny. He's always funny. He's so funny. And I texted him about the other night, and I go, are you safe? And he was like, yeah, I have a bag packed and all this. I go, well, don't wait. Just leave. Oh, it was right by his house. Yeah, he goes, you do care about me. He goes, OK, I think I'm going to leave now. I go, good. I hate when people, the same thing when, because we lived through so many hurricanes, and people were like, I'm just going to see how this goes. I go, you see the fucking, what?

Trajectory. It's on the news. Like, just go. Leave. The first call I got was Miss Pat. I was the first person to call. Really? And then, yeah, Miss Pat called. Called at like 7 o'clock when Runyon called on fire. She was like, you could tell she was, I think she was getting ready for bed. She was like, how you doing, baby? I was like, good. I was like, we're fine. And I told her, you know who's funny? You know who reached out to Leanne? Who? Dave Attell.

Atel did? Atel texted Leanne this morning. He's like, I'm worried about you guys. Are you safe? Wow. I was like, that's how bad my replying to texts are that no one even texts me. He's not going to reply. Adam Ray called me first thing in the morning yesterday. There was a fire, like, I mean, not even a quarter of a mile from my sister's house, but a mile from where Adam and I live. And Adam Ray called and was like, hey, do we need to evacuate? I was like, what?

Because I thought we were totally safe. And he was like, there's a fucking fire by Sepulveda in the 101. Or Sepulveda in the 405. And I was like, holy shit. And I started freaking out. And I called my sister. And I was like, are you evacuating? And she's like, I just ordered Postmates. I was like, why didn't you just make a cup of coffee? And she's like, I wanted a coffee with a lid on it. Wow.

Yeah. No, I checked on, I've checked on, I checked on all my Christian friends first and then kind of worked it down through the other denominations. But yeah, I wanted to make sure that, you know what I mean? Do you ever think it's crazy that like, that like Muslim people picked one outfit and then stuck with it? You mean like the hijab or what are you talking about? Whatever the, the, the, the, I mean the, the, the robe. Oh yeah. Well, I think it just for so long.

But it's good in that climate because it's a Middle Eastern wear, right? Like that's designed. Yeah, but isn't it crazy that like they've never. That it hasn't evolved? Hasn't, like it's just one thing. It's almost like they go, this is perfect. Yeah. You can't improve a part of a person. Here's the thing. It kind of is. You ever worn one? I have and I fucking love them. Oh my God. You understand why guys wear dresses too because letting your nuts hang and feeling that breeze come up.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Dude, I would love if that... I mean, it's kind of a no-brainer if America just was like... Because everyone wants to go towards socialism anyway, but if we just start with clothing, it's like the ultimate equalizer. Everyone looks the same. The North Koreans are good at that. There's only like a few outfits you're allowed to wear, and there's only like six haircuts you can have, you know? For real? Yeah. You ever seen the North Korean barber list? No.

So if you go get a haircut in Pyongyang or anywhere in North Korea, there's like six and you pick one. Like that's it. You have one of these. No way. That's it. Clothes is pretty much the same. You just wear like one of a few shirts or jackets. That's it. That's fucking brilliant. Wait, what could we do in America? They have a lot of good ideas. This is our uniform.

Well, I mean, our uniform, it feels like maybe, I feel like what's very American is old Western stuff. So like cowboy shit, wouldn't that be like the American standard? That'd be a good standard. Like cowboy boots, jeans. Yeah. T-shirt or collared shirt. Yeah, that's it. Bluer white. There's not like a lot of color variation. It should be like white tee, blue button down, collared shirt, jeans, boots. It would be fun if they did it regionally.

So just like we have the conferences in college football, so if you're like an SEC guy, you got to wear khakis and a collared white shirt. They fucking already do do that. They adhere to that. All those Southeastern boys, all the dipshits you see go into games on Saturdays that are pledging or whatever, they always look like tools. They always have on that same fucking goofy ass. Yeah, it's like a country club outfit. It's like blazer, khakis, right? And they're there with their little...

Fucking side piece who's in there kind of already is uniforms a little bit for work where you live if you look at Brooklyn it's like like those cargo pants that are up to like they're like high waters with like Boots and yeah, and then a sailor's cap and like they look like longshoremen But they don't really do actual physical labor the hipster outfit. Yeah. Yeah hipster mustaches, but here's the thing There's already too much variation for this

If you're going to do it North Korean style, you've got to pick three looks. You've got to tell that hipster guy to fucking clean it up. No more of that shit. Okay, yeah. Get rid of individualities. You know what they would like? They would like the onesie.

like a onesie should be an option like the like a janitor onesie you know i mean like the the zip up in the back and it because because some hipsters will wear that kind of thing that could be one of the selections you're allowed to wear one of those in a muted color i like that i like that maybe muslims i just found out islam is the religion muslim is the people i just just when

You just learned that? The other day I was watching a documentary on Constantinople. Yeah. And they kept saying interchangeably Islamic and Muslim. And I was like, wait, which is which? Islam is the religion. Yeah. Islamic people are people that follow Islam. Muslim people are also people that follow Islam. Muslims are practitioners of Islam. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I was like, I was kind of blown away by like the fact that they picked one outfit and they stuck with it. And that...

When they go out as boys, they're all wearing the same thing. Like, that's kind of wild. It's like going to a football game. Yeah. Where you're like, oh, okay, we're all wearing the same color. We all have this jersey on. Yeah. Yeah, we're all going to wear the same jersey. And then if you're not wearing our jersey, we're going to fucking kill you. Yeah.

And they do do that. That's cool. Islam is like a fucking Dodgers game. Yeah, yeah. They're like, if you're a Giants fan, we're going to beat you to death. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty cool. But I was like, I wonder what that does. When you take clothing out of the spectrum of personality, I wonder what that does. It definitely does something because clothing is totally an individual kind of expression, right? Yeah.

That's the thing is clothing gives you the option to present yourself in the way you want to present yourself to the world. It has an impact. Like somebody in a suit and tie, you perceive differently a thousand percent than you do in fucking tracksuit, right? Like you just do. So it's nice to take away that freedom and individuality from people. And that's kind of what the North Koreans have done. And I think what you're saying is be cool if we do it here in America. Yeah.

I like it. I like it a lot. I like it a lot. You can do jeans and t-shirts would be one option. Okay. Jeans and t-shirt onesie like zip up, you know, and cowboy outfit. And what should you be allowed to wear a suit? Because suits are kind of suits got to be a thing. So you get four options. But once you put on suits, you've, you've, you've established dominance in society. True. Like that's the cool thing about, uh, about,

Islam is like you can't wear jewelry. Like you can't look feminine. You can't wear gold. Gold. But you can't wear feminine jewelry. And gold's feminine. Men can't wear... That was the one. You taught me that. That blew me away. Men can't wear gold. Muslim men can't wear gold. Muslim women can wear gold. And the reason that Muslim men can't wear gold is that it's an old thing. I think it's in the Quran. It's about something to do with like fertility. So it's not really like...

You know, it's just like kind of like, I don't want to say like, here, this is probably a better explanation than mine. Men can't, where it's considered an excessive adornment that could lead to vanity, imitating women, displaying arrogance, going against the Islamic principle of modesty and simplicity based on interpretations of the Prophet's traditions rather than explicit Quranic verses. Okay, and if you hit the key points, the idea should be focused on inner strength and character,

Yeah, okay. So I was taught something, explained something different. But yeah, okay. So it's about appearing more modest. But I don't know why you'd want the women to appear not modest then. But yeah. Well, they can wear anything but gold. Now here's the question. They've only got one race of people over there. We've got like four. Yeah. Latino, black, Asian, white, and Muslim.

Let's yeah, okay, so Muslim people if you're in this country. You've got to go old-school Muslim You can only wear The what is it called that thing what is it called? What is the traditional? Muslim men clothing that's one thing I've got an offer to go play in Abu Dhabi a winter collection wait Let me see the winter collection the thaw so they can they can put on like a vest and shit and

Looks like it. Oh, yeah. Those look good. You can step up your game. Yeah, those are nice. I would go straight white robe all the way to the fucking floor, wear a hat every single day, and I'd put on a rose gold watch and keep it just to myself. Would you do the wrap? Yes, I would do the wrap. I wouldn't know. You know what I'd do? I'd do the Muammar Gaddafi, just the red tablecloth, smaller version with the band around it.

Oh, that one. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I would rock. I would rock that. That's it. That's pretty. By the way, I described that really good red tablecloth with a band on it. It's an Italian tablecloth. What about the PLO style? What was the guy's name? What was the PLO? That's a. What was his name? The guy from Arafat. Arafat. Yeah. Arafat. What was Arafat?

Yeah, let's see Arafat. Yeah, dude. That shit's tight. That's fucking badass. He wore that forever. That's almost like a Luis J. Gomez hat where he wears the cowboy hat, but it's curled up on the sides. Also, him with that on and the Ray-Bans. That's a fucking look right there. That's a sick look. Yeah. Dude, that's a sick look. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. One of the outfits we should allow in our country is military greens. Military, like...

You can wear military clothes. That's one thing. One of my favorite jokes, because, you know, people wear camo. Camo is like fashion now. Yeah. It's like B.J. Porter, this very funny writer, told me whenever he's in L.A. and he goes to like a Hollywood party and someone's wearing like a camo jacket, he'll just lean in and go, thank you for your service. And they're like, what? What?

And they're just like, it's just a fucking jack. He's like, oh, sorry. I just, I thought, I thought it was from the, your time in the military. I think people underestimate how funny Hollywood writers are. It's painfully fun. I was, I was with a writer at a dinner party. This was, this had to be, I don't know, fucking probably 10 years ago in Valley Village where we used to live. And this guy came up.

with his boyfriend and he said, introduced himself. He's like, my name's Bill. This is my partner, Mark. And the guy goes, oh, you guys are cops? That's very funny. It made me laugh. But you look at like, you know, like...

You look at like Nikki Glaser took that picture with all her writers for the Globes. And I thought that was cool that she gave them credit because that was a monster performance. I didn't see it. I heard about it. I heard that it was amazing. She had type in Nikki Glaser Ben Affleck joke. Oof. Was that a burp? That was bad. That was bad. You're going to smell it. You're going to smell it. Nikki Glaser's Ben Affleck joke was so good.

But I thought it was cool that she gave... When you saw that list of writers, the people that were in that writer's room, dude, monsters. Monsters. The funniest human beings in Hollywood and in New York were in that fucking room. That's awesome. I looked at that

That thing, and I was like, I mean, the skill set Nikki has is to know how to get whatever they're saying in that room in her voice and make it hers and really deliver it and own it on stage. And, I mean, she wildly went off script there.

towards the end of her thing because the closer didn't work and so she had to remember one of the other jokes they had in the room like nikki just she destroyed but i love that she gave credit to those writers because that writer's room was the funniest fucking every one of those people i was like uh that person's made me cry laughing that person's made me cry laughing and i like that she you know gave them credit well one thing that's cool about this um nikki's kind of

is that she is a fucking grinder. Nikki is somebody who has worked so hard and has done all the work. And I've been seeing her, obviously, for years, just work the road, work the road, get on stage nightly, put out material. And then she just...

just obviously like became a better and better and better comedian and got opportunities and capitalize on them. So I think she's just somebody that like in comedy, people are genuinely happy for because she's really just earned everything that she's got right now. She's just, she's killed it.

Her last HBO Max special we watched with the girls, which maybe wasn't appropriate. They were young. And it was a monster special. And that is the truth. She is someone that has gotten on stage every night. And when she gets a job like this, she does not let them down. She was like, I will be...

with the writers every day, five hours. I will be going on stage, running these jokes at night. I will bring them with me. I'm going to take the... I mean, she takes it so seriously. She is a real fucking comic. She is. Is this it? Is this the bit? Wicked, queer, night bitch. These are not just words Ben Affleck yells after he orgasms. These are some of the... Like, her timing on that's perfect. Yeah, that's...

it is always fun. The cutaways, whether people laugh or are horrified, the cutaways are always great. It was, uh, Benny Blanco, uh, and Selena Gomez was a good one too, but you could tell, like you could tell that like,

Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez have heard that joke about them is that, you know, on paper, she's beautiful and Benny's like a regular looking guy. And so you could tell that they were like, I know where this is going. But it was still a great joke. Her joke was...

We want to thank Selena Gomez for being here and Benny Blanco would like to thank the genie that granted him that wish that he could date Selena Gomez. It was awesome, man. She's a monster. I'll be at the Super Bowl with her this year or the big game. I'll be at the big game with her this year. Me, Tony Hinchcliffe, her and Adam Reyes, Dr. Phil and a special surprise guest. Let me know if you want to come. Let me know if you want to come. Awesome. Awesome. I'll be on tour.

This year. The whole year. Are you on for the whole year? I'm on for the whole year. I'll be touring...

Well, right now through May, and then I'll announce fall dates. I'll take most of the summer off. I really enjoyed doing that last year. Instead of just pushing through it, it's like enjoying summer. The boys are out of school. It's really a great time. So I'll take 90% of the summer off.

And then get back to it in the fall. And then, yeah, go through. Oh, there you go. There's your writers. There. Look at that writer's room. Strong. Mike Lawrence not wearing a suit.

is rich voss's wife yeah i like calling rich voss's wife instead of bonnie mcfarland i'm sure she loves that that's a fucking monsters that's a monster those are some of the greatest white voices working in comedy right there wait not one black guy well you said you wanted the best of the best right so there's oh there is an asian yeah there's diversity there's one asian when my writer's room was together they were like

this is insane. People were telling me, they're like, this is insane to have so many white writers. And I was like, really? And they were like, yeah, dude, this is crazy. Really? Yeah. They were like, they were really like blown away by it. And I was like, this is who you fucking sent me to interview. Why don't you send more people? I mean, I didn't call these people up. You sent me people and said, meet these people. There's a, there's a,

There is an interesting... Being in a writer's room is so fun. It's the best. It's the best. It's just... It's the funnest. It is the funniest. It is all the kids in class that were funny as fuck all in one room, and there's no rules. Yeah. It's cool. It's really cool. But it makes you funnier. It does. It elevates everything. It elevates... It elevates everything. It elevates... There's no... You get... It's like...

What's better than a one funny person is fucking 12. You know, like, yeah, it's like you get all these minds together. It makes everything better. A couple of things. I have to pee.

And I have to get on a fucking plane. I got to get out of here, dude. This is fucking crazy. No. Hey, do me a favor. Take pics. See, even that's horrible that I would say that is like take pictures from the plane. That's almost like a schadenfreude of like, look how pretty all this all this loss is. You know, here's what? Take it back. Don't say it. But just know that I will. OK, I can't control myself.

I'll send you photos. That is crazy that people flying in are taking pictures at like people's loss. People lost their lives. No, I know. People died and people are like, that looks so cool. Well, they also just can't believe how horrific. It looks like a war zone. Can I tell you the thing that bothered me the most is...

There is something in the internet that's taken over, okay? And I call it, for lack of better words, fucker in the pussy, okay? It's that energy of fucker in the pussy, of like, news crews are down on Hollywood Boulevard, Runyon's on fire, and they're like, hey, can I talk to you for a second? And people are, every individual is personally branding themselves or

or their product or their promoting. Like one lady, everyone, everyone they interviewed was live on Instagram. They were live, right? So everyone wants to be their own news crew. Everyone's live. And then the lady would be like, hey, can you not look in your phone? And the woman just looked at her and she goes, I'm live right now.

And the other lady's like, I'm on fucking TV. And she's like, yeah, but I'm live right now. One guy was like, yeah, this is crazy. It's so good. I learned about this from PRC Media. PRC Media was so good. And I've been following them. And I'm watching all this. One guy goes, this is the best. And this was the kicker in the pussy or puncher in the whatever thing. Yes. The one guy, they go, he goes, what happened? She goes, there's fires. He goes, what? What?

he's fucking with her he's clearly fucking with her she goes yeah there's fires and he goes how she goes i don't know and he goes wait wait wait we can show this one i just sent it to please show it please show it yeah this for people didn't see this this was great this is great he's like wait why are there why are there fires you're the news right but yeah this is great um

The lady on NBC last night clearly has never been to the Valley. Like, she has never been to the Valley. She's a Westsider. And she was like, Fryman Canyon's on fire. And everyone in our house was like, that's really fucking close. And she's like, Alex Trebek's house is burned down. And in my head, I was like, okay, hold on. Alex Trebek's house is torn down. When he died, they tore it down, and they're building houses on it. They're building multiple houses on that lot, and it's right next to Fryman Canyon. And I'm like, bitch.

You gotta know where the hell you're talking about. You're not talking about the right places. And then she goes, correction, it's Runyon Canyon. And we're like, Runyon Canyon? She was like, I'm sorry, you know, she's an idiot. Say that again? Why is there a fire happening right now? That's it.

There are multiple fires that are taking place. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know how it started. We don't know how it started there. You know, all the other, all the gay people in LA. Okay. I like how they go. Okay. All right. Okay. This guy, I would have stayed in the pocket and been like, what do you mean all the gay people? She's like, you know what I mean? Like yourself.

All the destruction they caused and then God got mad. You know what I'm saying? Started all these fires. Okay. All right.

Got to run. Good luck on the 405. Thanks, man. It was great to see you. It was great to see you. I'm glad you came in for this. Thank you. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Stay safe. We love you. We'll see you next week. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top to swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.