How To Make Millions In Vegas w/ Andrew Dice Clay | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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100% All right, we are rolling. Luckily for us, my regular co-host has some autoimmune issues and he's seeing the best doctors available. And sitting in for him is one of the all-time greats. We're so lucky that he's here. Give it up for the one and only Andrew Dice Clay, everybody. And it's great to be here. Man, this is awesome. This is a treat. I don't like the reason I'm here because I love Bert. Yeah.

I really do. Yeah, he's great. I think you guys are a great team. Thank you. That's number one. Another thing, you guys are just killing it out there. Thanks, man. I have to say it. Because I follow... You know I follow...

I don't know how anybody knows who follows who. Yeah. You know what I mean? But I do. I follow you. I follow the two of you. I follow him. He's so crazy on the road with the fully loaded. He's crazy. Yeah, I'm like, when did they have time for the show? That's how I look at the clips. I know, because they're out kayaking and fucking playing frisbee golf. Let me ask you something about him, because I've talked to him. You know, he...

You know, he's... Like, when he's on that thing, when they're out there doing those shows... Yeah. And they're gigantic shows. Yeah. You know? Bigger than gigantic. Yeah, they're huge. They're... So I'm saying... So there they are now in an amusement park. Mm-hmm.

You know, with everybody going on the roller coaster. Yeah. Now, I know if I was with him and he said, you know, let's do it. Does he like tell them you have to do this? Because nobody turns around and says, I'm not going on. Yeah. Because he knows I would.

I would never. I would never do that. I grew up near Coney Island. I didn't go on the Cyclone once. Not a chance. And the roller coasters today make that look like nothing. And he's like just smiling. He'll sit in the front car. Yeah.

Nothing means anything to him. He's like the carnival guy. Do they have to do it? I don't think they have to, but I do think that Burt has this thing. It's probably an extension of who he was in college, where the guy who's like, let's go fucking stand on top of this building and take shits off this. And then somebody's like, all right. Yeah, let's go whitewater rafting. No. No, Burt. I can't do that. I don't want to do it. I'm not doing that.

But it is amazing to see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's contagious, though. He's contagious fun. You know, and what else? And I love that he's where we had talks about exercise. And he is pumping. Yeah. And I've even seen Wahlberg talk about it. He's been getting after it. Yeah. You've been a big exercise guy. Well, that's where I connected with him when I met him at the mothership. I started talking about exercise. Yeah, yeah.

I go, you know, I'm not ripped. You know, I'm just, you know. You're a fit guy, though. Jews don't get ripped. You know what I mean? We just don't. I mean, now and then you see one, but you got to figure the father's Italian. You know what I mean? That it's a mixed matter. But, yeah, but I love to exercise because I always say, like,

As a comic, you're exercising your mind. Your mind runs your body, so why not exercise everything? Yeah. And he's been doing it. He's been doing it more lately, for sure. But you were a big workout guy. You have been, right? Well, this is the thing. When I was 30 and I got Ford Fairlane, that's also when my career took off, right before I was 30.

So all these celebs would come to my show from Cher to Priscilla Presley to Billy Idol. My first concert in L.A. at the Wilton is where I became friends with Guns N' Roses. Yeah. And Stallone would come to all my shows. I became friends with him.

Because he called to meet me on the set of Lock Up, which I idolized Sly. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't believe, you know, my manager at the time, he calls me, he goes, Sly Stallone wants to meet you. So bottom line, the next Sunday, he leaves a message on my voice machine going, you know, we're having Memorial Day. Why don't you come over to my house? You know, and I'm looking at...

the number two wife, you know, which wasn't the number two wife yet. And I go, do you believe this? We're going to a barbecue at Sly's. But at his house, I met this guy, George Pipsik, which was his trainer for all the Rockies and Rambos. And he set me up with George, who was Mr. Czechoslovakia four years in a row. And when steroids came into the business, he

He quit the business and came to America, met Sly. He built every machine in his gym, and he taught me to train. But by the time I was about 38, I was 255, which I call Elvis dying weight because I was miserable in that marriage. Okay. So I was just fat. Thank God I was able to exercise a little because of what George taught me. Yeah.

It wasn't until my 50s that I just really got into it, and I leaned out. You look great, man. I try. You know what I mean? Yeah. You exercise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do weights. I do cardio stuff. I ride a bike, go on runs. All right, so when you do weights, do you do heavy reps? Yeah.

No, I don't really do heavy. No, no, I mean a lot of repetition. Oh, yeah. Not heavy weight. Heavy reps. Yeah, yeah. Every set I do is between 15 and 21 reps no matter what I do. Okay. And that's how you stay leaner. I don't even know what we're talking about. I don't know. We were talking about gambling two minutes ago. Let's talk about gambling. I want to talk about you because I met you.

For, you know, two minutes at the Bill Burr Garden show. Yeah, we were in New York. It was awesome because it was a surprise for the audience, but it was a surprise for me too. I was just stopping by Bill's show at MSG, and I'm sitting there in the wings, and then I see you. They go, oh, Dice is going to do a surprise set in here. I was like, no. So I just grabbed you real quick, and I was – I mean, it was awesome because –

You know, for everything that's happening in comedy has never been this big, right? Like globally. I agree. And there's fucking 15 people doing arenas and there's 40 plus doing theaters. It's insane. But you're the guy that all of us, like when arenas were even discussed-

It seemed like such a far-fetched thing where like, yeah, I mean, like it was something that you did. You did that. You know, I never thought when I did it, like I know I'm the first guy that did it. Yeah. Okay. And that was my dream. Yeah. Okay. And...

So I never thought at that time that it's going to become the norm for when comics get big, it's going to be arenas. Yeah. You know, and Rogan always talks about it on his show. Sure. He goes, I forgot who told me, he goes, Rogan said the garden is the home that Dice built. Sure. That every comic, no matter how many arenas they do, they got to play the garden because Dice played the garden. So-

It was a funny thing with Bill Burr because I love his comedy. And I said to my sugar plum, he was playing out in Jersey at the Prudential Center. And I said, you know, I know Bill really likes what I do. So I'll text him if he's going to feel awed that I come to his show, I won't go. Because I know how I would feel like when Rodney would show up. Like you feel you got to be better than you are type of thing. Yeah.

So he goes, no, I want you to come. So all the way there, I'm teasing her because I could really get her. And I'm in what I call my dress-up motorcycle jacket, my going out for dinner, not necessarily on stage. Yeah.

And I go, yeah, I haven't done arenas since, you know, I went back to the garden in 2000. I sold out the beacon and the garden in the same week, you know, in the year 2000 and had nothing going on in the business. And I just did it. So that's 24 years ago. So I said, oh, I haven't done an arena since 2000. And all the way there, she's going, it's...

It's not your show. You're not performing. Like she thinks I'm losing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love to do that to people, to just put them on. Yeah. Like I do in the street when I come over. Dude, you have, it has become everybody's favorite IG account. And I got to tell you this, because for people who don't know, it's so worth it.

a dive into because it's like these real genuine organic moments where you're like, you want a picture? And people are like, what? They gotta go. We got Andrew Dice Clay. What is it? I don't even know. The Instagram. What is this Instagram? What's it called? What is it? What is my site called? Yeah, it's at Andrew Dice Clay. Okay. And it is my personal favorite Instagram account where you just walk up to anybody. Anybody.

And you're like, are you here for the thing? And they're like, what? Yeah, I got addicted to it because I'm in New York a lot. And I just love, since I'm a kid, to mess with people. I can't help myself. And I used to do it with a video camera and, you know, with the DV tapes. But it wasn't going up on phones. Again, Rogan was sort of a new comic at the store.

And I'm filming every night. I changed the lighting in the comedy store, in the kitchen, red, blue, green. Like it's a set rather than the stock lighting, you know? Sure. And, uh,

So one night, Rogan walks over and he goes, can I ask you something? Because it was all the new comics that are like hotter today, like Bobby Lee and Ari Shaffir and Sebastian. All these guys were new comics. So he comes over, he goes, can I ask what you're filming every night? I go, oh, it's the show. It's my show. And he goes, what's it on?

I go, oh, nothing really. And he just starts laughing. Three nights later, he's got a guy with a camera filming him. You know, not what I was doing, but like, that's why he's so smart. He catches on to stuff. But now, when the phones came out,

You know, when I went back to New York, I was, you know, I just walked over to some unsuspecting. Are you the one? And I don't act like this. You know, he's almost like. Are you the one? He's almost like the slow guy in the neighborhood. Yeah, yeah, totally. So I come over, I go, are you the one that wanted, they said you wanted the picture? And it's.

It's always people that doesn't, that don't want it. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah. And it just became lunch and they're like, what did you say? It's become a giant thing. It's amazing. I can't even believe it. It's the best dude. 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Policy genius helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on with your life with policy genius. You can find life insurance policies that start at

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Boxofawesome.com and the code is BEARS. B-E-A-R-S. Boxofawesome.com. The code is BEARS. It is so... It feels... Here's the thing. It just feels like...

It feels like you're sharing something that is genuinely for you. Like that you're getting the kick out of doing it. I can't do it enough. Yeah. I'm addicted to it. Please never stop. It's the funniest thing. Well, this is the thing. When I do leave the apartment, you know, my sweetheart will always say, she'll go, just do me a favor. Make sure you could kick their ass, whoever it is. Because I have had some problems with people getting my face. Have you?

And I'm like, I got to get out of this. So the dumber I play, the more they're thinking, oh, there's something wrong with this guy. Just walk away. But I do like, I forgot what I had out years ago. It's something you don't need in your body. It was an operation. Like an appendix? It's not the appendix, though. Spleen?

What, babe, what's that thing? What is it? Just yell it. She's in the other room, but if she says something, they'll send me a message. No, just what's it called? Somebody find out. We'll go ask her. I thought she's watching. She's watching, but she's probably too far. She's lying. Oh, okay. So anyway, I'm walking by.

You know, number one, I just hung up the phone with, you know, the comic Brad Garrett. I'm friends with him. Yeah, yeah, sure. So he's like, you know, what are you doing? I go, I just knew I had a fight with a guy, you know. He goes, where are you? I go, I'm at a bus stop. He goes...

you're a legendary. Why are you at a bus stop? Well, like, what are you doing with your life? So what happened is I'm walking by this guy and I hear him on the phone. He's talking about doctor stuff, you know, like, I don't know about his wife or something. And that's all I got to hear. So I, I come back, I get my phone on. I'm going, excuse me. Uh,

You're the one that wanted to talk about, you know, I have my appendix out. Yeah. You know, you needed to talk about it. You wanted to meet with me. Guy couldn't get away quick enough. Yeah. He couldn't. You're not like a 45, 50-year-old man with a backpack, asshole. Yeah. You know, with his little walk-away scooter. Yeah. And, um...

So I just loved it because he's jumping like, no, I don't need you. I'm in the middle of this. Like, who are you? But that's what I love. And Jim Norton knows better than anybody my whole life. I just love to bother people. Yeah, yeah. It's a different sense of humor than the one I use on stage. Yeah.

It's the one I was using in the car going to see Bill, you know, to my own girl. Yeah, yeah. Going, no, you know, I don't know. I didn't put anything together, you know. And she's going, it's not your show. We're going to watch the show. Sure. She goes, I don't know. Maybe he'd want you to introduce him. I don't know. Like, she just wanted to stop talking about it. But the joke was on me because I get there.

And the minute I walk into his dressing room, and you know Bill, he's a great guy. Totally, yeah. As a guy, he's a great guy. And he goes, he just gets up with this big smile. He goes, Dice, you're going to do some time, right? Yeah.

So I'm like, my stomach dropped. I'll be honest with you. I'll do 1,500 seat theaters, 2,000 seats or clubs. That's what I do now. And I go, no, no, no, no, no. Now the joke's, I go, I'm not going up. That's not what I'm here. He goes, no, you got to go up. You got to do time, right? And then I get introduced. And the minute I went up, the place went nuts. It went nuts. No, this is Jersey, right? Okay, okay.

And because I've been thinking about like maybe going bigger again. And but, you know, you get a little old. It's like no matter how you train, you know, you're still a little older. Like, you know, to face those kind of crowds, which, you know, because you're doing it. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it takes like how old are you? I'm 45. OK. Yeah. Forty five. You're nothing. Yeah.

You're a child as far as, that's what happens when you hit like 60. You look at a 45-year-old guy going, because I remember my father telling me at that age, he goes, you don't even realize how young you are. You're a kid. That's how the older generation, that's just how it goes. So I go on the stage, I kill the crowd, and my girlfriend's like, you see, you can do it. That was nothing for you.

All right. So I don't know if it was two weeks later. Now, like I told you, I became friends with Guns N' Roses in 88. So around 92, I get a call from Axl. He's doing the... But I was friends with them. I'd go to the rehearsal studios. I'd sit in, jam with them on the drums. Yeah, at the rehearsal place with Slash and Duff and...

uh they'd come to my apartment three in the morning we'd go to the rock and roll ralphs on sunset and i'd annoy people in the parking lot only without the phone so um i get a call and i was starting to get claustrophobic in the arenas it was already like three or four years of arenas and um

He goes, I'm doing, this is Axl Rose talking common sense now. The Axl you know. Yeah. He goes, I'm doing the Rose Bowl and I want you to be our guest, you know, and go on after Metallica. Oh my God. And I'm going, I can't do it, Axl. I go, just being closed in like that, you know. He goes, Dice, it's going to be over 100,000 people.

You know, he goes, and you're going to be outside. He goes, just look at the stars. So it made sense to me. So I come out and the minute I came out to We Will Rock You and the whole audience got up. You know, it was amazing. Yeah. An amazing feeling. So now here we are all these years later. I just did the Bill Burt thing. It was like this past November or something.

And so now I get a call on a Monday night from their road manager that they're going to be at the MetLife, which is the old giant stadium in Jersey. This is in the beginning of December. We want you as a special guest. Can you do it? And I'm like, tomorrow night. And, you know, my girlfriend's like, she also watches out for me, my health, everything. And she goes, you don't have to do it. I go, yeah, but I do.

Yeah. So I show up. At MetLife. 60,000 people or more, something like that. Now, I don't see him because I'm in a dressing room hanging with Duff. And now when Tom Mayhew, the road manager, goes, all right, it's time. As we're walking, I'm seeing through the bleaches just as far as the eye could see. And I'm going, oh, my God. And I'm thinking, well...

These are the stories I told my girlfriend. She's now getting to see it. Yeah. So let them have it. And I even look, when I look at the video, so little walking out to that crowd. And they went nuts. Yeah. But the difference is, it's not a comedy crowd. They're not there for comedy. Yeah. They're there for rock and roll. So you're taking a chance. Definitely. And I slammed them for about 15 minutes. Yeah.

So now I see Bill Burr is coming to the Garden in December, and I called him, you know. Yeah. Because that is my place, you know. And he goes, Dice, you want to be my special guest? You got it. That's how simple it is to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and that's where I meet you. Yeah. You know, I think right before it was going on, right? Right before you went on stage, man. You know, and...

And it was just easy. That's how I felt about it. And I remember his manager telling me after, he goes...

You just played an arena like it's a 200-seat club. Yeah. You're heckling people. You're picking on people. Yeah. Like he loved when I looked at a girl, remind me to pinch your tits after the show, and the place went fucking nuts. It did. You know, I want to feel my balls banging against your little pop socket over there.

And he's going, who does that? It's an arena. That's fucking crazy. And Bill was so funny because when he came up after, he goes, well, it's nice to see Dice's mellowed in age. But that really did turn the switch on because...

You know, a lot of people would call me like the Rocky of comedy type of thing. Sure. So I get that in me. So now there's, you know, you know how you don't mention deals till there's a deal? Yeah. You know, so there is someone I'm talking to, a guy you would call a rainmaker that said, you know, if you want to do this, let's do it. Really? He goes, it'll be bigger than life.

So you'll go on an arena tour? I might. I might. You know, right now, I'm happy. I can't wait to do the mothership tonight. So fun. Because I love being on top of them, but I also...

You know, sometimes a comic, as you know, people you know, the fire burns out. And you watch him on stage and you go, he's just phoning it in. Yeah. See, I'm not that guy. No. Like, I even got dressed to come here. Yeah. I want to look a certain way for you. I didn't want to come here just, you know, out of bed and laying back with a pair of... Yeah, I can't do it like that. No.

You know, you're somebody I really like or else, you know, I love that I'm on here. I wish Bert was here with us, but I've done his podcast, you know. But I think both of you were so great. I love that you got your, this is your new line. Yeah, this is our vodka. Yeah, man. Tell me about this. I want to know about it. Poor Osos, man. We make it here in Texas.

It's wheat-based. I don't know if you're into some of the little nuances of vodka, but usually they're corn or wheat-based. This is a higher caliber. It's distilled, proprietary distilled, and we're going all over the place, man. It's great. Every day we're in the state. You should. You know, this is...

Like they say, this is like your time. How does that feel? It feels, it is like, you know. When did it start for you, like coming up now? For me, it's, I was, I think I'm lucky in that I didn't get on a rocket ship that just went to the fucking moon one day. It was a nice gradual build. I did a special in 2013.

And it wasn't considered a big thing. It wasn't the thing to get Netflix then. Netflix was like, oh, you got Netflix. Because Comedy Central turned you down. And Showtime turned you down. And I was like, all right, I guess I'll do Netflix. So it was like that. I was like, they're like, Netflix said yes. So it came out in 2014. And by the end of 2014, I was selling out clubs, which was a...

I'd never sold tickets before. So I was like, this is un-fucking-believable. It's a great feeling, though. It's the best feeling. And by early 2015, you know, we could sell out the whole weekend, add shows and sell them out, and we start to, like...

Later in 2015, start to do like rock clubs and small theaters. And then the next special came out in 2016. And it was like a gradual bump up. So then it was like proper theaters for the next tour, you know? And then you did that for a while. And then, so it's been like that of like every tour, the venues got bigger. And on the last tour, we were doing really big theaters and some arenas. And then this tour has been like,

arenas and amphitheaters and stuff. But it was a slow way of getting there. And when you're in the arenas, how do you feel up there? I mean...

It is kind of surreal. And then this weird thing happens where once you're doing them for a few months... It's always a thing when you pull up and you're like, shit, this is where the fucking Rockets play? This is crazy. You're in the tunnel and you see the NBA media room and you're like, that's nuts. But there's this thing I think where...

There's still the same thing, I think, when you do clubs, theaters, and arenas. I always do the voice of God mic for whoever's opening. And whenever you go like, how's it going tonight, Cincinnati? The level of them going...

you look and you're like, this is going to be a hot show. Or sometimes you go like, how's it going? And they're like, so seven. You're like, yeah. See, I judge it by, you know, Eleanor Kerrigan's who, who's my feature. I always judge it by her set. Sure. You know, and I could tell if it's that, you know, that intense energy intensity or if the, um,

Yeah, you just kind of... Let's just get done. Yeah, exactly. And let's just get done. I think the surprise is that it stays that way through every size venue. It doesn't... It's just sometimes you're... Now, the thing that I learned over years of doing stand-up is that when you feel like they're so-so, you don't tell them. Don't tell them you're so-so. You leave some of those shows where you're like, yeah, their energy was fine, and they think...

That was great. Well, see, the way I think, you know, everybody's got their own way. Sure. If they're not doing the right... See, they used to say when you start out in comedy, don't ever blame the crowd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do blame the crowd. Oh, I think audience sucks sometimes. I never could get past that.

you know, some crowds are amazing. Like, did they know each other? Right. You know, and some crowds are okay. Like, how does that work?

You know what I mean? For sure. If they're not good, it's just like going over to somebody in the street that's not even going to know me. And I get pleasure out of that, of them walking away going, I have no idea who you are. I don't know what you want. I love that. So if they're not good, I go, you know you're an awful crowd, right? You do that? You know you're terrible.

I go, the crowd last night was unreal. I wanted to go home and hang out with them. I can't wait to get away from you people. I go, I know what I do is amazing.

I go, I know how great I am. I've always known that since I'm a kid. I go, you're terrible. You suck. As a matter of fact, I'm going to start throwing some people out, you know, and I'll get security to make an example. I'll go, you see this guy, this big fat fuck in the front? Yeah.

You know, that's been looking down at a kitchen table as hell. Fucking. I want him out of here. He bothers me. And the guy's looking like it's a joke. And then you could see him looking around because now there's two security guys. And he's like, you're kidding, right? I go, no, you got to go. You got to go. You got to go right to a treadmill. Come back in two years when you get off.

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You know, because I, you know, I'm very real up there. Yeah. And, you know, things, you know, I don't know how you process comedy or where you get it from. But, you know, like, you know, we all scroll the reels. Sure, yeah. You know, and...

you know, lately, you know, that you saw the girl, the hot, the hot tooey girl, you know, and I'm looking at that going, boy, her dad must be so thrilled with her. Look what he brought up. Yeah. Now I haven't done that bit on stage, but every time I see her, I get angrier. Yeah. You know, because I'm going number one, nothing sexy. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, if she was a sexy hot chick with big pig tits, that would be different to me. You know what I mean? Definitely. But when she's just this skinny little blonde girl, I'm going, so that's it? That's your claim to fat? Does she understand? Forever. Forever. Any guy that takes her out is waiting for her to just spit on his dick. Yeah, forever.

Forever. That's who she is. Yeah, yeah. And not that. I'm going, all right, so you did the little spit. What do you think I know about? Spit on my dick, honey? You know what I mean? Can you spit from above? Can you stand above the bed and hit the tip of my fucking dick? That's what I'm thinking. And then what about the drooling? Yeah. And the choking that goes along with the experience? Yeah. She didn't say any of that. Nothing. She did a little, I would throw her out of my house for that. Yeah.

I go, come back when you get experience. And that's what the world makes a deal out of today. But the father that brought her up, that had her on his knee her fifth birthday, and her sweet 16, his cute little girl, and she comes back from college, and all she learned or got was a degree in dick sucking, you know, and doesn't want to work, and the best she's ever going to do is getting on a

What is that, OnlyFans? Yeah, yeah. That's the job? That's the fucking... You know what I mean? So I get angry, and then it becomes a bit, which I think right now it did. It just did, for sure. You know what I mean? But yeah, when I see that stuff, I just get angry at it. Well, it's... We're celebrating mediocrity at that point, right? This is just somebody just saying some bullshit. I mean, it's charming in the moment, but the fact that...

She got a platform because of that? Pretty crazy. Well, now, just as another one, and this I have thought about. I'm not even going to do it now because it is an actual bit. Yeah. But it hasn't been done. I never, you know, I know comics, they go and they rehearse. My, you know, like to the cellar and all that, and here, you know, you got the mothership and all the club. I don't do that anymore. Yeah. I'll think of something.

And I'll wait to be on stage. And if it bombs, then so be it. So be it. You know, but then it kills. And Eleanor, after the show, goes, you haven't been on stage in three months. And you leveled the room with that bit. How do you do that? Yeah. I just know myself. So lately, and I won't go into it, but I will say on the other side, there's, you know, the actor Steve Guttenberg? Yeah. Do you see him on the feed? Yeah.

Do I see Steve on the feed? Yeah, so his whole thing is about how he's just grateful. You know, he walks the street and he'll go, oh, I just picked a lemon off a lemon tree all by myself. You know, that he's able to do these things. That he's physically able and it's sunny out. I was in an Uber in New York and the guy started doing it.

Like, the driver. I'm just going to the gym. I don't want to be bothered. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to know your name. And he goes, how are you today, sir? And I'm like, yeah, no, good. Can you put on the music? Put on 70s. I'm trying to forget him. And then he goes...

Well, I feel good I was able to get out of bed today and put my pants on by myself. I go, yeah, that's what we do, okay? I don't want to talk, you know, but I'm angry at Gutenberg for...

No, it's like, yeah, I get it. You showered. I washed my balls all by myself. You know what I mean? Yeah. But that's where I get it from. I walk around and I get angry. Yeah. And it's like this buildup till I get on a stage somewhere to do an actual show. And then I'll see what happens. Yeah. You know, but when the drivers tell me, yeah, I'm so happy I opened my eyes this morning. And I'm thinking, I wish you didn't.

Because if you didn't, I'd have another driver that would know to keep his fucking mouth shut. You know what I mean? I hate small talk with the driver. I don't like small talk. I hate it so much. How are you today? What do you care? Don't chat me up. Did you ever do Diaz's podcast in his Joey Diaz? Oh, yeah, a lot. Did you ever partake in an edible podcast?

No, no, I can't believe what he's... He's another world, right? He's another level. And so I go to his one time, and he's like, eat one of these. Eat a star of death. And I go, I don't fuck it. I'm not eating a star of death. And he goes, eat one of the corners. So he cuts it. I go, fuck that. So he cuts it in another piece. Stop being a pussy. I'm like, all right. So I eat like the tiniest fucking thing.

I do it, and I feel fine for a while. And then as the podcast is ending, hour and a half or something later, I'm like, oh, shit. I'm fucking, I'm high. You're toast. I'm toast. So I'm like, all right, man. And I get out of there, and I get in my car, and we're in the valley, and I'm supposed to, at the time, we're living in Redondo Beach. And I'm like. Oh, and you got to go. I know where that studio was. Yeah, and I'm like, oh, fuck. So I'm going to the freeway. I pass the exit. I'm like, fuck.

So I turn around and I'm listening to her take a left here. I passed it a second time. So I'm like, oh, shit. So I call my wife. I'm like, here's what's going on. I don't know what to do. I can't do this. She goes, pull over somewhere and just call an Uber and leave your car there. And I go, okay. So I pull into a Ralph's on Ventura. Oh, okay. Bro, I'm out of my mind high at this point because I'm getting higher still.

And I'm like, oh, shit. And I'm like, are these my hands? And I look over like this, and two spaces over, it's you.

That's hilarious. And then I'm like, because I was so fucking scared. I was like, am I hallucinating? Or is that Dice? Yeah, it's the house right near Starbucks on Ventura. Dude. And so I'm like, and then I call her back. I'm like, I think Dice is in the car over there. And she's like, hey, man, I don't know what you're saying right now, but get that Uber. Like, get that Uber right now.

And I see you look at me a couple times, and then I get scared, and I keep staring. Oh, I feel bad. I'm freaking out. And then I call an Uber. The lady drives me. The whole time I'm in the car. So we didn't talk. We didn't connect at all. We didn't talk. No, we didn't talk. I mean, I was incapable. I think I would have... I was so high that I was beyond...

paranoid at that point. Got it. So I just sat in the back of the Uber and told the lady how amazing it was that she could drive. He's just a different level. A whole other level. Like, I could remember, you know, I'd smoke, you know, and I got the munchies. And I would never have, like, edibles. Yeah. Not his. At this place I went to, they gave me a bag of popcorn. Okay? So I got the munchies.

And I ate the bag. And I slept for 19 hours. True story, because it was just too much. So I don't like to do the edible stuff, you know. He's fucked me more than once. Yeah, no, I've seen him do like...

Like, if I did a gummy, it would be like a five milligram. Yeah. You know, I've seen him do 250 in one shot. He gave me 1,000 one time. I said, how do you do that? He's got the tolerance. But here's the thing. I thought that he has the tolerance to...

and doesn't feel the panic that we all feel. No, he feels that panic and enjoys riding that way. So the thing that scares you, he's like, I kind of like feeling like that. So if I do anything, it's like a, you know, indica. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want no sativa. I have no tolerance for alcohol. Went out the other night with my girl.

It's like, you know, I'm supposed to be diced, as you know. If you went out with me, you'd go, he took two sips of a rum and coke. Look at him. He's falling on the floor. I just don't have tolerance. I don't either, actually. You know? And not that she's a drinker. We hardly ever drink, but she can hold her liquor. You know? I'm just not. She would love the vodka. That's her thing, but...

You know, I just never had tolerance for any of it. Yeah. You know, it's just who I am, you know? Yeah, but you're... And so everybody associates you, and right before we recorded, with smoking. Yeah. And, you know, you always did the movement, and everybody was like, yeah, the dice cigarette stuff. And you still have it, but you quit... How did you quit? You quit in one day, you said? In one day. I just... Well, I...

I quit more than once. Okay. The first time I quit, my kids were real young and I was also a very heavy blackjack player. So I do enjoy Dana. I love blackjack. Dana White. Yeah. Watching the clips. Yeah. You know, I mean, he really, you know, you know, 300,000 a hand. I'm going, oh my God. Yeah, it's crazy. And, but I played heavy. Yeah. You know, I could win or lose a half a million in a night. Didn't make a difference. Yeah.

you know, um,

And that was even one night when I, you know, I did bally's in Vegas for 13 years. I did all the big holidays like five times a year. Yeah. You know, so they were paying me millions. So it meant nothing to gamble, win or lose. Yeah. And that was just Vegas, not the arenas. You know, I was that Vegas was like the relaxing gig. Right. But yet I'd be at a table playing like a playing like an animal. You know, let me ask you one thing about blackjack because we play blackjack.

Every time we do a casino gig, we always go play blackjack. The whole crew that we go with. There's a thing where there's, there's just like nights where you're there and you're winning more hands, right? You're just, you're on a good streak. And, and,

Subsequently, there's other nights where you're like, fucking, I can't win a hand. And ultimately, I think the logical thing is to go, look, man, it's gambling. You're going to have good shoes and bad shoes. Do you see it that way? My thing about gambling is you've got to be willing to lose everything in front of you to win.

You know, can't play scared. No. Can't play drunk, and you can't play tired or angry. And do you have a walk-away time? No, but do you see what I'm saying? Sure. Those are the rules. No tired. So if you do lose, you can't say, well, it's because I've been arguing with my chick all day. You know, I had a bit... You lose because you just lost, and you got to be willing to. Yeah, and there are days you get 20, the dealer gets 21. Yeah. You know, but...

I do, you know, and I haven't played in a long time either. But, you know, I have such, I mean, that was one night I was playing Bally's. My opening act at that time was Wheels Parisi. I don't know if you know him. Yeah, Wheels. Okay, so Wheels is actually on stage at Bally's. I'm at Caesar's Palace and my bodyguard, Club Soda Kenny, who works for Bill now. Yeah.

And I'm in the dice rules jacket that I wore at the garden. That's how I'm playing. Yeah. You know? And so he goes, I think it's time we go to the show. He's only got five minutes left and they have a limo waiting.

And so now I'm on stage because I was winning. I didn't even want to leave. Yeah. You know, and so I'm on stage with over $350,000 of chips of winnings, you know, in my pocket. Yeah. That I can't wait to get done with the show and go back and get more. Yeah. Because it was one of those nights. But one time with Wheels, I get to Vegas. Yeah.

I'll just tell you this one story. And I sit right here where I am now. Wheels is where you are. I always sit at the end. I don't let anybody else play. I have the whole table. And I got into Vegas, and I lost, I don't know, $150,000 in a few minutes. That's how fast it goes. Yeah. And so the next day, we're all at the pool, and they would like, you know, the red velvet ropes, whatever. Yeah.

And with all these people, you know, my girl, I had a baby at the time, whatever. And I say to Wheels, I go, you got any money on you? And he goes, I got $20. You know, I go, that's enough. Let's get out of here. Jump in a cab. We got in a Mirage. And at the Mirage, I have a $75,000 line of credit. So they give me the $75,000.

And I'm playing this guy, and it's a male pit boss. This is in the days when, you know, supposedly women hated dice type of thing. Okay. And so I'm at the table, and I'm losing to this one dealer. And I'm playing 5,000 a hand, so it's not that many chips. But I said to the pit boss, because they would hold the cards like this rather than point it at you to cut them.

And I said, would it be all right if the dealer faced the cards at me? And the pit boss was cool. And he let it happen. I'm still losing. They switched dealer and pit boss. And it was this black man. His name was Archie. He was from Louisiana. I'll never forget this guy. He was a nice guy. And a female pit boss. He shuffles, whatever, and puts the cards. And I asked him to turn the cards. And he goes, we're not allowed. And I said...

To the lady, I go, would it be okay if Archie turned the cards towards me? And she goes, no. So I know she's a dice hater. Yeah, yeah. I go, well, the other pit boss didn't have a problem, and I'm trying to be nice. I'm not being dicey and being Andrew. And she goes, well, I do have a problem with it. So I go, really? And I'm looking at her, and I go, let me tell you something. You'll be lucky if you still have a job when I'm done here.

And I go, wheels, get up. Come sit here. And I go there and I lean across. I made like a whole deal out of it. And I cut the cards from leaning across the table so I could cut it the way I want. Wheels, get up. Go back to your seat. Now I look at the dealer and I go, okay, Archie, this is how it comes down.

And I go, and don't stop the game for any reason. You don't need more chips. When I'm done taking those, I'm out of here. There were two rows of $5,000 chips. And I'm down to six chips, 30 grand. And I said to Archie, I go, you see those last two chips on the second row? That's your tip. How does that sound? Now I'm...

You know, but my energy came up because of her attitude. Yeah. And we start playing and wheels couldn't even believe what he was seeing, you know, cause I'm basically winning 95% of every, all the hands. Okay. So what happens is,

We're down to those chips. And I'm not stacking them. I'm just piling them on. I don't even know how much is there. But I took the 75. I made a little stack here. So no way I'm losing anything. Yeah, yeah. And I got a big pile of chips. I go, okay, Archie, this is what we're going to do. I go, I'm going to want a blackjack. Okay, this is how it's going to go. I want the king of hearts and the ace of spades in that order.

How's that sound? I go, you could do that, can't you? And I look at the pit boss, this lady who is now like she can't even believe it. I go, I'll tell you what, honey. Now I'm not even, now it's honey, which she hated. My name's not honey. Well, to me, I don't know your name and I don't care, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I don't know what you make a year, but I'll bet all this against whatever it is you make, which, well, what is it?

30 grand, 40 grand, whatever it is. I go, I'll bet all this. I pull those cards exactly the way I said it. How's that sound, honey? And she's like, we're not allowed to bet. Okay, all right, Archie, when you give me the king, you know, do me a favor, because I like to make a little sound effect. You know, that's just the way I am. So do it slow, like slow motion. You could do that, right, Archie? It's your money. So I go, all right, give me the king of hearts. There's the king of hearts.

So I go, isn't that amazing? Wheels, look what I just did. And I did it all by myself. All by myself. And now I look at the lady, I go, same deal. All this for your piddly pay. You know, ace of spades. Now, I go, they're watching. Your job's over here.

I go, Archie, just give me the ace of spades, right? And there it is. And Wheels goes, oh, my fucking God. What the fuck is that? You know, so I said, Archie, you know, don't even worry. Keep it all. Whatever I won with the blackjack. I go, Wheels, gather this up. Let's get out of here. I want to go back to the pool. It was about $455,000 in winnings.

That's after I give him the 75. And he's shaking, carrying it out in manila envelopes, you know, just hugging it. And then in the car, you know, in the limo going back, I said, you know what, wheels, just put your hand in and, you know, take whatever you think the 20 was worth. And he just grabs it was a $10,000 pack. I go, you earned it.

You know, I go, not bad for $20, right? Jesus Christ. Yeah, those are the kind of plays I would have. It was ridiculous, you know. But I quit. Now, were you, because I've been at tables with guys, high roller guys, super aggressive. Were you like a very aggressive, not only with your bets, but on what you're taking, where you're going for stuff that is...

against the fucking sit you know the the the book you're just going to me yeah yeah aggressive aggressive as shit yeah and i could play one hand or i could play the whole table and you would do that too there were times i would pull all small cards break cards split cards against the dealers break card okay and i would just look at it like a three and a two you know

All across, you know, all hands. And you're talking about 10,000 on each hand. I go, you know what? I don't feel like thinking right now. So, yeah, I think you're just going to break. So I'm good. And you could see the dealer going, wait a minute. You don't want to hit on a five? You know, I'm showing a three. Yeah. You know, I'm good. You're going to break.

It's all good. I don't want to get greedy. You got a pair of aces, Dice. Yeah, no, good. Good for me, right? Look what I got. Just break and pay me. And they would break.

It was an amazing time, but there were also times, and any gambler that says they don't lose is just lying to your face. There were times I could lose $700,000 in a night. One time I was sitting with my father, this is another win, and we're at Bally's and it's late at night and I'm losing but dicking around.

And my father had like 35 grand left. And he goes, well, what are you doing? How late do you want to stay up? You know, just beat him already. You know, all right. You know, and I just go and I'd say, Bobby Lee comes with me.

I'd make him an opening act. For what reason, I don't know. You know, because I would have fun with him at the comedy store. And I'd always bump him, which I always enjoyed doing. Because he'd flip out and leave if I came in. It just always seemed to be him that was on deck. Yeah. And, you know, whoever the man dice, you want to go on? Yeah. Fuck this. So because he was like that, I figured, yeah, let him open for me. Yeah. So I bring him to Bally's.

Okay. And the first night we're there, he watches me lose quickly a quarter million dollars.

And you know how Bobby Lee likes to sit, like, on a couch but not on it, on the top of it? And he's got his little hat and his head's in his hands. And I go, what is your problem? He goes, I don't have money for breakfast, you know, and you just lost all. I go, Bobby, it's the first night. It's the warm-up. Yeah.

You know, he actually told the story recently and he told it wrong. Yeah. You know, that I want to, you know, I want to go looking for him and go, why didn't you just tell the truth? Because, you know, I wound up winning over a half a million that weekend. So he made like it was just a lose. Yeah. But it wasn't. No. Because the next day I got that 250 back in 10 minutes. Yeah.

When you're playing huge figures, like I talk about Dana White, it comes and goes in a minute. It's monopoly money at that point. It's not like, I'm going to tell you, the terrorist, the asshole.

The asshole that got his two weeks off from his job that saved up $1,500. $1,500 scared fucking dollars. This fucking farmer that comes with his family and the kid in the fucking stroller. Yeah, yeah. And the wife, you better not lose that money. Leave me the fuck alone. I lost half of it already.

You can't play like that. I used to take $200 when I played the Dunes for Mitzi, the comedy store. And the comics would come running back to her because she got 15 shows, $1,500. That's what you got for the week. And there were five comics on the show. And she had the Dune showroom. I'd go out in between shows and win $15,000 with $200.

I just had a feel, a gut feel for cards. But it also comes a point, I don't want to do this anymore. That's what happened. So for 10 years, I didn't play, and I didn't smoke cigarettes. And then bottom line is we got hit with the recession, and I needed money. We all go through shit with money, you know?

And I called it the summer of hangover. And Eleanor was actually with me. And I went to Vegas and I just beat every major hotel. I actually had a house in Vegas at the time. I didn't even stay there. Every hotel I had the biggest suite they had.

You did this in like 08? Yeah. No, no. More like 09. Was it 09 or 10? Yeah, 09. And I was just, I went down. I had another wife at the time or girl. Who the fuck even knows already? The only one I care about is sitting up here. The only one worth anything in my life is in that room. So there was no Coca-Cola. It was the M Hotel.

So I said, I'll be right up. I want to go down and grab some Coke. And at the time, I had like $35,000 in cash, whatever. And I come up less than 15 minutes. And did you get the Coke? I go, oh, yeah, I won $90,000. And when did you win the $90,000?

I go, the place was empty. I sat down and I won every hand. And then when I lost a hand, I walked away. You know, I go, now we have some money to play. And that wound up, that whole thing wound up a million, 150,000.

You know, in winnings. You know, it's just... But with gambling, it just goes around and around. But you got to play with balls is what it sounds like. 100%. If you don't have balls, don't play. Because even if you're having a winning day, that could be that part where you start losing. Yeah. You can't back up. You know, it's gambling. That's why they call it gambling. It's taking a chance. Yeah. You know, I know when I get on stage, I'm going to win.

Unless I hate the crowd and then I start throwing people out. You know? You know? They always say, I've been with people who go... I mean, I love comedy a lot more. I haven't gambled in years now. Yeah. Or smoked. I just don't want to. Yeah. You know? And just really enjoying comedy. And I enjoy telling the audiences how I don't want to hang with them. Yeah. Like, I'm watching...

Dane Cook, you know, on the reels, whatever, and he's talking about how he'll spend a lot of time with the fans. Uh-huh. You know, and I love my fans.

But I don't want to hang out with them. You know what I mean? Yeah, sure. But I'll tell them that. That's the ethical move. That's the more respected thing is the guy who says the reality of it as opposed to like, I love to hang out. A guy wrote to me on one of those posts with the picture. He wrote to me the other day.

And he said, I'm coming to New York Christmas time. Basically, is there any way we could meet somewhere that we can make a little video and I could take the picture? I'm such a fan, you know, and and I replied to him. I said, I don't want to spend a half a second with you. Yeah.

You know, I don't want to meet you. I don't want to know you, you know. And he wrote like, yes, sir, you know. And then I said, maybe that's a little too hardcore. And I said, you know what? Christmas is like a beautiful time in New York. And I do love going to the tree lighting service and being in a corner and

you know, with my girlfriend, maybe, you know, having a little hot chocolate. I go, I loved it so much last year that, you know, I took my girl to, I wrote this to him, you know, to the Radio City, you know,

you know, Christmas show. Sure. And I go, but, you know, I'm only a few rows back and, you know, the Rockettes, you know, kicking their fucking feet. Now I'm sitting there with a bone, right? So I start biting into a fucking neck and working over her finger furnace, you know, you know, you know, and you just want to bang into the pop socket. You know what I mean? These fucking Rockettes, like, what are you doing? I'm dripping fluid here, you know? And my, my, my,

Sugar Plum, I call her. She goes, they're thinking it's me.

I go, no, but I'm not really writing about you. It's, you know, it's made up. Yeah. But I love when she thinks it's her. I go, what? We got at a Christmas show? Did we see the Rockettes? Yeah. You know, it's just funny. I like to be outrageous to the fans. I love it, dude. Yeah, even on stage, I love telling them, look, I'll give you everything I got, you know, but make no mistake.

I don't want to meet you. There's a reason there's no meet and greets. Yeah. I have nothing to say. What are you going to show me? An old picture of me? Sign this? And then we take pictures like we're asshole buddies? Yeah. I don't want you to touch me. I just want to make you laugh your balls off, and I want you out of my life forever. You know what I mean? You're kidding.

I can't do a meet and greet either, man. I can't do it. I'm just like you in that sense. I don't want to meet. What did they do to you? You've done them. I've done them, yeah. So why'd you stop? I hated it. I hated every second of it. What'd they do to you? Fucking diarrhea breath. You know, I want to tell you the story, tell you a story about either another time that they had seen you or I've got a real funny story to tell you and I'm like, fuck.

Fucking A. The funny story. The funny story comes. Or, yeah, just like people too intimate on you. I don't enjoy it. Now, the thing is, I've said this for years. So what happens is in public, people come up to me and they go, I know you hate people. I go, I don't hate people. I can see you hating people. I can see it a little bit. They go, you know.

When somebody asks me for a photo, I'm always like, yeah, sure, man. No problem. Whatever. Like, you know, passing around, walking down the street or whatever. But an organized meet and greet just isn't for me. I experienced it to the point where I was like, I don't enjoy this. I don't want to do it. So I just stopped doing it years ago. Yeah, see, with me, you know, because of my attitude on stage. Yeah.

They get handsy. Yeah. They'll put me in headlocks or try to. Yeah. And, you know, so I've had a lot of physical altercations. Really? Yeah. And I had a guy. Oh, man. Eleanor had to get in between. You know, Eleanor's tough. She'll fight. Yeah, yeah. She loves to fight. I don't know if you know that about her. No, I didn't know that. She's from South Philly. Yeah. Ten brothers and sisters. Yeah.

One time a guy flicked a cigarette at me at the 7-Eleven on Sunset. Right through the... Like a bum, like a street bum. Here's your fucking cigarette. And he flicks it at me through the window. So I got to get out. I got a bad temper. Eleanor, I had the long Cadillac Brom, big white Brom. She comes flying across the hood like Starsky and Hutch. I'm not even getting punches the guy in the chest.

You know, because she knows I can't have a lawsuit, you know, that way. But, yeah, lots of fights, you know, and I would get into, you know. So you cut those off, though, the meet and greet. You cut it off, too. Yeah, well, you know, I remember, yeah, guy grabs me, like, hard on the, forget that one. This is the best. Yeah. So it's a muscle guy, you know. And no matter what, I don't know if he's tough, but they're strong, no matter what. Yeah.

taller than me but i mean a real muscle guy like with the traps yeah yeah you know this is what he does a bodybuilder and his girlfriend so we would sell t-shirts and then they take a picture and eleanor would snap the picture and all of a sudden now i know how all right i feel a hand going up the crack of my ass you know i'm not even kidding it's the guy and he goes like this

At first, you don't realize what's happening. Yeah, you're kind of shocked. Am I feeling? Now I know what girls talk about when they say they've been harassed or got touched them. You know, it's awful. It bothered me for a while. But I snap out and I go after the guy. But Eleanor gets in between to make sure the fight doesn't happen. Yeah. Because he could have had somebody filming it. You know, nobody's going to see him do that with his hand up my ass. Yeah.

And it was, like, embarrassing also. It's like, you know, I'm Dice, and you got your hand in the crack of my ass. Not even your girlfriend. You. You. You know, guys are worse than me with me than women. Across the board, I think. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like... And with pictures...

I'll take a picture with it until you put your hands on me. Yeah. I don't care if you just poke me. Don't put your hands on me for any reason because I react too quick. Yeah. You know? And that's when I won't take... I decide who I take the pictures with. Yeah. But the meet and greets, awful. Like you say, the breath...

You know, I got a story. And then they tell you a story about yourself that never happened. Yeah, yeah. You know, I kicked a guy out of my dressing room in a club because he was insisting that I beat him up in the eighth grade. And I know who the guy is. Yeah. You know, and he was with his sister-in-law and his brother. And I said, I never laid a hand on you.

Like, he was trying to make, like, the Dice attitude in the eighth grade. I'm punching him in the face. Number one, why would you tell that story? And I wound up going, you got to leave the dressing room or else you're going to get hurt. Yeah. You know? And, you know, it just goes on. So no meet and greets. I fucking... I'm with you, dude. I hate them. I hate them. Another thing I just wanted to point out before we wrap up was that you are a fucking talented actor, dude. I just wanted to tell you. I've seen you in things and...

I wanted to know, because you're a New York guy, that you got to work with Woody. Yeah. And that had to be a trip for you, right? I couldn't even believe it. I just got done with Westbury, and I got my manager at the time text me, Woody Allen wants to see me. He's got this part, maybe. Yeah.

I was like, you know, stop playing with me. I got to get to the airport and get back to L.A. Like I was done with my gig. I just wanted to. But I went, you know, and so the casting agent, you know, she gives me the few pages. Yeah.

And I just want to get out of there. You know what I mean? Like my dream was never to do a Woody Allen movie. Nothing against them, but I'm not a Woody freak. Sure. You know, I mean, I love some of his movies like Broadway. Danny Rose is one of my favorites, but it's like, I didn't, you know, I love acting. I didn't even want to do comedy. I wanted to be an actor. Right. We'll talk about that next time maybe. And, um,

But that's why I was on stage as a comic, you know, to develop acting chops. Rather than going to acting school once a week, be on a stage every night and develop my own method of acting. And so anyway, I look at the two pages and I look at her and I go, all right, let's go in, you know. And she goes, it's Woody Allen. You don't want to take some time? I go, I got to catch a plane, you know. You know, the guy either digs me or he doesn't, you know.

And I come in, and the funny thing with Woody is when you do the audition, he's not sitting in the chair. He'll stand, like, right here where this is and watch me and you do the scene, you know, like this, just like this. And I said, if you want, you know, I could do it a little different. If you want to give me a little direct. He goes, no, that was perfect, you know. And I leave. Great meeting you. You know, I'm pleasant that way. I'm not on stage now, you know.

But I will say when I got the text, I was at my Vegas house. I was alone. There was nobody to even tell. Then I'm walking around the house like in a circle going, I got a Woody Allen movie. How did that happen? Because I saw you got the, it was from my man. So I knew what it was going to say. And that was thrilling. I mean, to, you know,

Peter Sarsgaard and Cate Blanchett. What about on set? What was he like to, like when you were on set with like, you know what, you don't really bother with him much, you know, and you know, he'll tell you what he wants, but you know, he, it was pretty, I knew the part. I understood the part, you know, uh, uh, Sally Hawkins played my wife in that. And,

You know, I also had my oldest son with me who at that time was about, I don't know, 21 or 22. And so I would tell him because he knows me better than Woody. Yeah. So he I got him to stand near the monitor with Woody, you know, and I go, you just tell me what I got to do, you know.

and smart so that was one scene so the first scene i go the one little dicey moment is when i like the cigarette i'll use a zippo you know so he comes at what he tells me what he wants to tell me in between now here comes my son he goes all right everything's perfect he goes lift the lighter a little higher they're not seeing the light okay i got

Because we wanted to get the flick of the lighter. Yeah. You know, so I was down here rather than up here. And then he comes over again and he goes, I don't even know why they're doing another take. Wow. You know? Yeah, so he sort of directed me through that movie. Yeah. Like, I'd listened to Woody, but I know my son knows me better. And I was, you know, my relationship in that movie...

was, you know, I'm with Sally and she divorces me, which I was already divorced from his mother. So he knows my emotions. Yeah, yeah. It was like that. Incredible. Yeah, I got to where, you know, Star is Born, Bradley Cooper, Gaga. You know, these are great films. And Scorsese, amazing. I changed every word of every scene. Did you really? And I would call him.

We just got along like, you know, the minute we met, like we've been hanging out for 30 years. Really? And he just loved where I went with the part. And he goes, we're going to go, oh, look at it. And I'll listen. And then I'll tell you what I love it. I love it. Do it. That's the way we're doing it. That's how it worked. Wow. Yeah. He was a myth. That's why he's Scorsese.

Because he'll let an actor really dig deep into a character. And I only did a few scenes in vinyl, but they were intense scenes. Yeah. You know, and when I handed, when I gave Bobby Conn a vowel, Woody Allen told me, give Bobby the new lines from handwritten. Yeah. You know, with a sharpie, full capital letters. Yeah.

And Bobby's looking at me and Scorsese thinking it's a joke, and he's going, so I'm going to ignore Terrence Winter and just do what Dice wrote? And Scorsese's like, Bobby, go have your lunch, learn the lines, and that's how we're doing it. Wow. And he's looking. Like, Bobby would come over to me, the greatest guy, by the way, Bobby Cannavale, one of the great actors. Amazing actor. And he goes, were you and Marty, like, tight before this shoot? Yeah.

And I go, no. He goes, why are you at his house? I've never been to his house. I don't know what to tell you. That's amazing. He goes, I feel the two of you were goofing on me. Yeah. You know, but all these, you know, the stuff I wanted to do when I was a kid, you know, I really didn't get to do because I went through cancel culture before it had a name. Yeah. I was the only one. Really? You really are.

And so I did get blackballed in the film industry for years till around 2010. And then I got to live every dream. I stuck to my guns, got to work with the greatest actors, actresses.

you know, direct is, produces, you know, and building the stand-up again, which I just love doing. Well, it's a fucking treat to have you here, man. And the idea that you might be announcing this tour, I think everybody's stoked. I definitely will be at your show, man. I'll definitely be there. And I wish you... You're killing it. Just keep killing it. Thank you. Same to Bert. I love you guys.

You guys are inspirational to me. That's what you got to know. That's awesome. It's seeing guys like you out there. Because years ago, if you didn't hit when you were in your 20s, you ain't hitting. Yeah. You know what I mean? So today, like, you're only 45 now, but there are guys that don't take off until they're 50 or older. Yeah, for sure. You know, so...

And comedy's never been harder. Never. So when I do see these shows and I'm going, you know what? Now that I've proven I could get in front of those crowds and you were there to witness it, you know, why not?

I think you should, man. You know, just got to stay in the gym, I'm telling you. Yeah. Just keep working out. It'd be great. I would love to see you back on those stages. I think it'd be awesome, man. We'll see. We'll see. Well, thanks a lot, man. Thank you for coming. Great. Feel better, Bert. We'll see you guys. Feel better, Bert. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert.

One goes to the top of the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.