Haunted By Norm Macdonald w/ Nick Swardson | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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All right, so my regular co-hosts.

Burt has some auditory problems. His hearing just kind of went on him. But he's seeing some of the best available doctors and he's getting it worked on and hopefully his hearing returns soon. Sitting in for him, it's a real treat. We're very lucky to have him. His new special, Make Joke From Face, is out right now. Give it up for Nick Swartzen, everybody. Hi, everybody. Hey.

So many blessings. Bert, we hope your hearing comes back. Yeah, it's so weird. It just, like, went on him. That's really weird. Yeah. But ironically, like, his audience...

They don't want hearing. Yeah, they don't really want hearing. Yeah, they don't want hearing. He's lost his balance, too, because I guess anything that happens... So what, he has, like, vertigo or something? Yeah, his equilibrium's way off, and, like, he can't... It's like he's almost fully deaf right now. Oh, God. He might get a cochlear implant, you know, where they put the thing on your head. Right. And then you can just hear. We don't like that. We love Burt. Yeah, well, I hope his hearing returns. Yeah. Yeah. I remember when I first met Burt...

I met him before he started stand-up and he it was in New York City ironically at a club called the Boston Comedy Club but it was in it was in New York and he showed up and he was like hey what's up I went to Florida State

Everyone's like, cool, don't care. He's like, yeah, I want to make comedy. I'll do comedy. We're like, okay. I was in Rolling Stone. I was in the Rolling Stone magazine. A party. And everyone's like,

Literally don't care. This is when he wore clothes. Yeah. Remember that era? Yeah, it's a long time ago. Yeah. It's a long time ago. It was so much better, right, when he was clothed? Yeah. It was exciting. Yeah. You don't know what's under there. Yeah. And now you're like, ugh. Now you're like, oh! Yes. God, no. This is awful. What is that? Oh, my God. Is that a snowman made out of vomit? Yeah.

Jesus. Christmas trees. So what was he like? Was he just obnoxious? No, he was really sweet. He was a sweetheart. And he still is. He's awesome. But deaf. Yeah, he could kind of hear, but he couldn't hear the boos. Right. That was the thing. The very loud boos. Yeah, the very loud boos. Did you ever watch him go up back then? He would have been a new, new comic. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He had no idea what he was doing. None. Yeah, but he had confidence. I'm a Rolling Stone. I'm a Rolling Stone magazine. And a lot of personality. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he was very charming. He still is. He's great. I love Bert. Now, you've worked...

You worked with... Yes. But have you ever seen Burt humiliate himself to Sandler? Did you ever see that interview? Yes, of course. It was amazing. It was so... It's so funny because I know Adam really well. So it's like I just know what's going on in his brain. Which is what? I'm sure he's like... Adam's just patient and tolerant. So he was just... I'm sure he was like...

Oh, what is going on here? This special needs guy. Yeah, this guy, we pray. Yeah, yeah. We'll pray for him. He's like, oh, I love precious diamonds that you were in. It's like, got everything wrong. Everything wrong. What was the other one he said? He goes, yeah, I love you and happy Billy son. Yeah. Or something like that. Yeah, happy Billy. It's one of my favorites growing up. This is one of my favorites. Got it wrong. And he was like.

Okay. He's like, okay. Cool. Get me the fuck out of here. Get me out of here. Yeah, yeah. Fucking sever my genitals. Yeah, he wanted to die. So I was just talking to Andrew Santino about you. What was your tour name? I believe it was.

wasn't it like I'm coming all over I'm coming everywhere yeah we were talking about how jealous we were that how brilliant that was thanks man that was that was a good tour name actually I really was that was a phenomenal tour name and I really lived up to it I mean not just because I I came a lot but we just did so many shows so it was like it was the kind of tour where you're like I'm gonna

I am going to try to go to all the places. Right. And it was way too many places. Like I'll never do that again, but, but that's the right tour name for it. Sometimes they just, they line up perfectly. Yeah. Great. No, that's amazing. It is exhausting though. Like touring. It's, it's like my new tour this fall, toilet head, Nick Swartzen.net toilet head. That's why I love your name.

Because it's like, if you're a comedian, don't take anything seriously. You shouldn't take it too seriously. Yeah, like when people do that and like, you know, you've seen it where it's just like comedians that they take like their intros seriously. They take everything seriously. When they do this. It's so embarrassing. When they're like, make sure you hit, like hit all these when you give me the intro. Yeah. And you're like. It's embarrassing. Oh, shut up. Okay, man.

Okay, you're six plugs, you want me to say? Like you think this audience gives a shit? Yeah, nobody fucking cares. Nobody cares. At all. Say whatever. Bob Saget did that one time to me. He didn't do it like an asshole, but I was emceeing the Brea Improv, and I go, what do you want me to say? Because I thought that was the standard thing. I'm emceeing, and I don't know him. Like I know who he is, obviously, but I don't know him. Right. What should I say when I bring you up? He goes, they know why they're here.

I go, what? He goes, they already know. You don't have to say any of that stuff. I was like, oh, you mean I don't have to say you know him from Full House? He's like, no, they're here for a reason. Just bring me up. That's amazing. I was like, yeah, that actually makes sense. I remember I brought up Michael Winslow from Police Academy. And he's the guy that does sound effects. The sounds, yeah. So I went up to him and I'm like, hey, this is back at Chicago Zany's. Shout out.

And I went up to him and I'm like, hey, I'm seeing. Like, what do you want for your intro? And he goes, don't. Talk to me, please. Get it from my manager. And I'm like, okay, but you're right here. You can just tell me. So I go to his manager. He's like, yeah, don't do that. And I'm like, okay. Like, okay, what the fuck? And he goes, I swear to God, he goes, write this down. And I go, what? And he goes...

Police Academy 1, Police Academy 2, Police Academy 3, Police Academy 4, Police Academy 5. I was like, can I just say Police Academy? All the police academies? Yeah. I have to fucking number them. I have to fucking number them. What are you fucking retarded? The fuck out of here.

And then there were even more after that. Yeah, yeah. More nonsense. Yeah, of course. You saw him on VH1 or whatever the fuck. I was like, oh my God. He was a don't talk to me? Yeah. Wow. He was also wearing a gray leather vest, shirtless. Really? Yeah, with a Star Trek pin. Man, black guys can pull off some wild fashion. Dude, they're not afraid. They're definitely not. Shout out to black people. All blacks.

We love you. Wear your stuff. Dude, wear it. Wear all the colors. Own it. Orange, purple. I want to go to Florida State. I want to go to Florida State. I want to go to Florida State. I can't fucking hear anymore, dude. The fuck? What the fuck? Helen Keller? It'd be awesome. If he lost his ability to speak, too, he might... I feel like Burt would figure out a way to...

to not learn sign language because he's not going to learn anything. No. But he'd figure out a way to communicate still and put on a show, even with his hearing loss and his speech loss. He could still do it. I think he could. But he could just chug through it. Yeah. Like, he's not afraid to just chug. Yeah. In any hole. Yeah. He'll fucking butt chug.

He was a big butt shot guy at Florida State. That was kind of when it took off. I think he was the first guy, and I don't know if I'm wrong about this. I think he was the first guy to freebase Dingleberries. I don't know if we can verify that. Can we fact check that? Can anybody look that up? I think he was the first guy.

Free base, full on healthy dingleberries. Dingleberries, yeah. Yeah, like boulders. By the way, you did something fucking bold in your new special. The what? In your special, you did something fucking bold. What did I do? You wore shorts. Oh, yeah. Fucking brazen, man. I'm not afraid, man. Dude, that's bold. I'll wear shorts.

The fucking balls on this guy. It's fucking crazy. Get him on. Dude. Fuck. San Jose shorts. It's fucking crazy. Yeah. It's amazing. You don't give a fuck, man. Dude, I don't play by rules. That's why toilet head this fall. Nick Swartzen.net. Again, like every name is so stupid. Like make joke from face. Yeah. And I remember my agent was like, okay, so...

That's what we're calling it? And I'm like, yeah, because it's the tour I just fucking did for two years. That was the name of it. Why would I change it now, you fucking rogue gypsy? Good God. Crazy.

And he's like, yeah, okay. Yeah, that's fine. You're going to tell him what you want to do anyway. So just fucking accept it, man. Yeah. Fuck off. There you go. Man. Who's your agent? Fucking Carrot Top. Really? Yeah. So weird. He's so Jack now. Dude, he's fucking Jack Nicholson. Dude, do you want to do something? Maybe I think sexually. No. Okay. Or what about?

What about let's do a fucking, let's do a couple cycles of steroids. That's the most Rogan thing ever. Let's try it. Okay, Seth Rogan. I meant Seth Rogan. Look at Carrot Top. He's so juiced. Pull up Carrot Top. I mean, have you ever done a steroid? Yeah. Have you really? Yeah. But don't you want to do like, let's do some of these. Come on, man. I mean, sure. Why not? It would help the tour. I have a huge black dick. It'll shrink. No, your balls will shrink.

Yeah. You have good balls? My balls are Asian. Really? Yeah. It's hot. I mean, God. Look at him, man. Are you watching the Olympics right now? A little bit. I mean, don't you watch them and just go like, fuck. That's it. Quick math. The less your business spends on operations, on multiple systems, on delivering your product or services, the

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No, you're not doing the rings. You definitely can't do that. No. Fucking the gymnastics shit. It's like, oh my God. Those dudes are... And women. Yeah, both. Both. They also compete. The women... The gymnasts are the fucking most...

insane, underrated. Like nobody, this is the only time every four years that anyone brings up gymnastics. And then you go, holy shit, these are the most amazing athletes. It's the only time anybody. No one ever brings up fucking gymnastics. Nobody's like, dude, hey dude. Look at this guy. You see the poma horse last night? No, I fucking didn't. Never. And those rings are so unbelievable. Like those guys are, yeah, they're freaks, man.

Yeah, it's insane. And again, shout out to them. Shout out to all of them. All Olympians. For your dedication. I bet any could do that. I mean, good God. It gives me anxiety just watching it. I know. Still photos are giving me anxiety. So fucking crazy. What's your favorite one? Your favorite Olympic event? Cock ring. Cock ring? Yeah. Yeah. That's my favorite.

No, I think like the floor exercise. Floor exercise? The floor routine? Yeah, the floor whatever. Like just watching that. I don't even know how you do that. I think I tweeted the other day that it was, or last night, that it looked like Cocaine the musical. Uh-huh. Because they just like, all those flips, I'm just like, oh my God. It's like me at last call. You ever done a flip? I mean, I can. Off a diving board? Kind of.

I've done it before, yes. How did it go? It did not go well. I retired pretty quickly. I mean, I've attempted a cartwheel in the last 10 years. Again, didn't go well.

I don't know if anybody out there has ever attempted a cartwheel. They're not that easy. When you're over 40, it's really not easy. Yeah, dangerous. Yeah. You might get Christopher Reeved. Speaking of, how old were you? How old were you? Nah, let him fucking go. He deserved it. When you...

Because I feel like you were the guy who we were like, holy shit, this guy's so good and he's getting recognition. Weren't you like 21 already on Comedy Central? I think I was like, yeah, 22. 22 years old. So when I, God, yeah, it was so long ago. Well, I remember when I first started doing,

HBO picked me as one of the top young comics in the country. How old were you for that? 19. 19. I'd done an open mic six months in, and I got picked as one of the top. Seriously? Yeah. And were you just doing that in Minneapolis? Yeah. Was it Acme or somewhere else? Yeah, Acme Comedy Company. Amazing club, by the way. Lewis Lee. Shout out to Lewis Lee. Shout out, Lewis Lee. Or you can call him Lee Lee.

Yeah, whatever you want. But yeah, I was way too young. And this is before the internet. So this is when I was like open micing and like living in my car, essentially. Really? Yeah. I would drive across the country by myself, just sad. Just trying to figure out my life, hoping I get discovered. But yeah, HBO picked me as one of the top young comics. And then did that, is that what kind of prompted the Comedy Central stuff?

Like, is that how you got it? Yeah, for the most part. Yeah, that's when like they first saw me. Yeah, because you just had the, I mean, did you have any idea how crazy it is that that was happening to you at 22? Like any reference for that? Or you're just like, oh, this is cool. This is what's next. I was like, yeah, let's go. Really? Let's see what happens. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Good God. And I shared an apartment with Zach Galifianakis. In New York? Yeah. So I went from Minneapolis to New York.

And how long did you stay there? I was there a couple years. And again, that's where I met Bert. Bert. Bert. Bert. Your mouth's got to stay open more. There you go. I've got to take my shirt off. Vodka. I want vodka. You want some? Yeah, I want to try your vodka. It's right here. Well, where the fuck is it? It's right in front of you, man. Here. I'm blind. I'm legally blind. He's legally blind. I'm like Bert with ears. How are you legally blind? I don't know.

I'm illegally blonde. Do you drive? No. When was the last time you drove? Oh! Dude, I've been driven in like 13 years. I gave my car up. What? Yeah. 13? I cut out driving, I cut out dairy, and I cut out sugar. Guess what I didn't cut out? Vodka. Yeah. Game on, motherfucker. Straight or with a... I'll do it openly straight. Openly straight? All right. All right, let me try these gay tears or whatever they are.

100% that's what it is. These are gay tears, but they're Texan gay tears. Let's see how this plays out. Cheers, everybody. I love you. Twilight Head. This fall. Terrible. Really? Yeah. Just fucking terrible. You didn't like it? No, I'm kidding. It's fine. We're in Austin drinking another vodka that's not Tito's. That is insane. Their shit sucks. You're an insane posse. No, you're an insane posse.

You're an insane clown posse. It's corn-based. It's gross. You're corn-based. Not yet. Brown corn. Dude, I fucking shit so good now. I had so much diarrhea for so long, right? Right. Every day, I would have probably two or three diarrheas or explosive just shits of like somebody took a scooper and then they grabbed some mud and then they just fucking threw it across the room, right? That's how most of my shits were.

And then I just cleaned up my diet recently. And I didn't realize I was capable of healthy bowel movements. I just want you to know that you can do it too. No. You can do it. We can all do it. Yeah. I don't have diarrhea anymore. Really? I take a lot of vitamins, yeah. That's what did it? Vitamins and diet. Cutting out dairy and sugar was huge. Yeah, I cut out dairy too. Yeah, dairy is horrible. Do you do anything to bulk up with fiber? It's like a Metamucil or something?

Just sucking off homeless men. They have that? Metamucil? Yeah. In their dicks? Yep. That's fucking cool. Yeah, that's a fun fact. Yeah? Yeah. Metamucil dicks. Hot ones here, too. It's so hot outside that it probably has some effect on your bowel movements. I think penis sweat also. That's true. Big thing. Stinks. So what is your diet now? AIDS. AIDS in the morning? Yeah.

And then after AIDS, I have some fruit. And then I have rice or potatoes and chicken for lunch with a little bit of vegetables. A lot of greens? Not a lot, but I have some at lunch and some at dinner. Yeah, you got to have some. And then I have fruit two more times before dinner. And then dinner is 16 ounces of protein. How late is your dinner? Not that late. Six, seven. Yeah. That's the right hour, by the way. And then I have a little bit of greens. And then I drink about a gallon, gallon and a half of water.

And then you drink these gay tears. Yeah. That last sip was better. Yeah? Yeah. The first one, not great. Second one, phenomenal. Settling in now. Yeah. Wait till that third sip. Dude. Yeah. Well, then I'm going to the Olympics. Yeah, you might. Let's not dress it up. Then I'm fucking getting the cock rings. Suck me up! What was... What was...

What was living with a young Zach Galifianakis like? It was amazing. Was he great? Yeah, he's great. Love him. Love him so much. We would do a thing. This is so ridiculous. We would do a thing. So we lived on the Lower East Side, and this is late 90s where it was really sketchy. Now it's like gentrified and corny. But I remember we would do a bit where we were just obsessed with doing bits all the time. So we would do a bit where we would walk down the street and if we saw the sketchiest person...

And we would be like, I would be like, Zach, that guy now. And he would walk up. He would have to do it. He didn't have to, but he had to. And he would walk up with this person and be like, hey, how you doing? And he would do a New York accent. He'd be like, hey, how you doing? You know what? You have a good Christmas this year. You have a good Christmas. And they would be like, okay. And then he would do it to me. He'd be like, okay, this guy, you got to do it. I'm like, fuck.

Walk up and be like, New York accent again. Hey, how you doing? Hey, you have a good Christmas, okay? It'd be like April. They're like, all right. We would just fuck with each other all the time. And then he would do things. So there was a room called Luna Lounge. And it was like alternative comedy, whatever that phase was. Yeah. But it was just like, it was off of the comedy clubs. It was just like random stuff.

And he would, I remember one time he called me up and he goes, Hey, what are you doing tonight? I'm like, nothing. And he goes, okay, I want to wrestle a watermelon. So I'm going to grease up a watermelon and wrestle it on stage. Can you referee? I'm like, yeah, why not? So we would like do shit like that. Jesus. Okay. Yeah. It was amazing. So you guys were, I mean, that's, you really are doing like that shit before it became a thing to do weird. Totally. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and we didn't pioneer that movement. Right, but I mean... A lot of like Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, Gene Groffalo. Yeah. But you were early adapters. We were like the young fold. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, we wrestled a watermelon on stage. That's fucking, that's hot. Yeah, it was hot. We both came. Yeah, that's fucking super sexy, man. Suck me off. What's the most valuable thing in the world? Let me think. Family, right?

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Both. You've been to Uchiko? Yep. The sister restaurant? Yeah, I have a sister. Do you? Yeah. What's she do? She works at Uchi. That's so ironic. It's so ironic. Yeah. Is it? Yeah, I think so. Is that the right use of ironic? I don't know. I don't know words. Bert, Bert, are you there? I'm here. Where do you want?

I'm endorsing DraftKings. Did you know I have Minnesota roots too, right? No, I didn't know that, Tom. I grew up there for a little while. Is that true? In Minneapolis. When? For fourth grade and fifth grade and part of sixth grade. 69th grade? 69th grade. I was in Plymouth. Jesus Lord. Yeah, I know Plymouth. Zachary Lane Elementary School.

So do you have any ties to the sport community? Like, are you a Vikings fan? I mean, yeah, I used to go. I used to go to the Metrodome. I know. Do you still fucking go? No, I don't still go. You fucking asshole. I went to Chris Dolman football camp. Amazing. I went to Rich Gannon's football camp. Yeah, I was hardcore into the Vikings. I don't really care for it. But are you still...

hardcore into vikings no because i was i stopped there and then i left so i fucking i know i'm saying in general i like football hardcore into vikings the like the scandinavian kind yep but not the minnesota kind okay but i still like when minnesota has a good season makes me happy it's rare i went to the very first timberwolves game did you really yeah

So that was Pooh Richardson? Yeah. And that was like 89, I think. It was in Minneapolis. It was fucking insane. They played the Bulls and they did not win. What Bulls team was that? Was Jordan there or no? Yeah, Jordan was there. Was he really? Yeah. Good God. Yeah. Can we draft him? He was fucking good, huh? I think he did really well at basketball. He did. And advertising. He had a good marketing plan.

Yeah, and then somehow just Hanes underwear. Hanes. He had the Hitler stash for a while. That was crazy. Yeah. Gatorade. He played fucking baseball for the White Sox. For fun. Because he's like, I just want to do this. Yeah, I'm bored. Imagine being that good that you're just like, yeah, I'm just going to do this. Like, burp. Do you buy that it was a suspension? Do you buy that theory? Yeah.

About what, baseball? No, no, the reason he left was actually it was like an under-the-table suspension. I don't buy it. That's a theory. I'm not buying it. He was gambling so much. They're like, we've got to do something with this guy, and they suspend him. That's a theory. No, I'm not buying it. Okay. I'm just, I'm not going to buy it, everyone.

Everyone out there, I'm not buying it. Yeah. And then he came back and he was like, hey, guess what? I'm still good at basketball. Yeah. He's like, oh, whoops. Yeah. Oh, is that a half court skyhook? Whoopsie. Yeah. Is that good? 20 points? Yeah. In one shot? Everybody fucking knows Prince and you, and that's kind of it. That's it.

From Minnesota. It starts and ends with me and Prince. Were you a big Prince guy? Yeah. Love Prince. That was my first album, Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Yeah. And one of my highlights of my life is I got my star on First Avenue. Really? Yeah. There's only two comedians that have ever had that. Who are they? Me and Dave Chappelle. Really? Yeah. And did you go to Paisley Pom Poms to check everything out? Yep. And? Perfect. That's perfect. Yep. Came back. Third set. Came back positive. Here we go. Third set. Let's see. Amazing. Amazing.

That was just, that was like if a falcon came into my mouth. See how much better it gets? Yeah. It's exciting. Salma Hayek, so hot. Salma Hayek, amazing. You worked with her? Yep. Amazing person. Tell me more. What was she like in person? What was it like to... She was just, she was just great. Really? It's funny because I've worked with like legitimate like...

Like, some high, Nicole Kidman. I did a movie with Nicole Kidman. That's crazy. That's insane. Yeah. I barely graduated high school, and now I'm working with, like, these actresses that are fucking awesome. Yeah, world class. But they don't, here's the funny thing about comedy, no pun intended, but, like, when you work with serious actors, and they want to, like, be funny, and I'm like, no, just commit. Commit to the thing. Yeah, just do, like, just commit to it.

Like you don't have to like be like wacky. Yeah. Like just do your thing. That's everybody who's comes from dramatic backgrounds. What their thought about comedy, like, how can I make this funnier? Can I be funny? You're like by doing what's on the page better, like by sticking to it,

If you stick to the lines. Or stick the landing, going back to the Olympics. If you do the Olympics. Going back to the Olympics. Stick the landing. If you play it grounded, though, it's always funnier. It's way funnier. It's like Leslie Nielsen, rest in peace. What a legend. I mean, Naked Gun. He was a serious actor. Yeah. But he just committed. 100%. 100%. Like, when that pops up on my feed, and it'll be like a random quote from Naked Gun or something, or like a scene. Yeah.

I always love it. Yeah. It makes me laugh every time. Yeah. Every time I laugh at Leslie Nielsen. He's so funny in it. Again, rest in peace, Leslie. Wait, so did you write for her? Is that what I heard? Diarrhea. On that in the movie? For Sama? Yeah, I was a producer on Just Go With It. And did you have to like write specific, did you write bits specific to her? Or was it just, this is the character? It was the character. Okay. But she was so sweet. She was like,

Was that okay? Was that funny? I'm like, yeah, it was hilarious. I'm like, you just nailed it. Yeah. So good. God in heaven. God in heaven. Yeah, that's why we pray. Do you still like Spade? I mean, 50-50. My favorite thing is when people probably comment on this and be like, oh, Nick's shitting on Bert. Fuck you, Nick. Like when comedians shit on each other. No, they won't. I mean, they might, but they won't. But...

But it's like when you like roast people, like David Spade's like one of my best friends. Sure. Literally like my older brother. Much older. Way older. Just an elder lawn gnome.

But, like, I'll read comments sometimes, rarely, because they're always horrible. But it's, like, when, like, comedians shit on each other, like, that's what we do. That's the fun. Like, we're all friends. You're one of my friends for 20 years. Bert's one of my old friends. Like, David Spade's one of my best friends. Like, we just, it's amazing to just shit on each other. Yeah, of course. Yeah. That's the joy. And, like, roast the fuck. But, like, people, like, don't get it. They'll be like, hey, whoa, man! You're making fun of Joe Dirt? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I am. I will for the rest of my life. Maybe my last words will be roasting Joe Dirt. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You were also close with Norm. Norm was one of my best friends. One of my favorite things, just side note, is that- Please tell us. David Spade's special, his last one. Mm-hmm. And I wanted, he goes, do you have any ideas for a title? And I go, full-blown Spades. And he was like, okay. Mm-hmm.

I don't know. I'm like, but what if? What if? But what if? Full Blown Spades is actually pretty good. I thought it was amazing. Yeah. But he passed on it. He's a pussy. What did he call it? Something stupid. Yeah. Is that what it's called? Something stupid? Something stupid. All right, here we go. Sip five. Okay. Now it's like water. It's just water at this point. Isn't that good? Water's good for you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I'm not dying. You think I am? Yeah. Hey, what? Norm! Norm!

Norm's here. Hey, I'm dead. Hey, I died. What's going on there, right? Hey, I'm a ghost. Boo. Hey, boo. Get it? I'm a ghost. Yeah, he was the best. He was great. He was so great. Did you ever know him at all? Did you meet him? Yeah, I met him a couple times. One of my favorite memories...

of him was I met him so we're at the parking lot at Irvine and

And he didn't drive like you. He didn't drive anywhere. He didn't drive anywhere. So the car had taken him down and we're in the parking lot. It's, it's him and me and Ryan Sickler. And Ryan has like some great weed. So Norm does his, he's like, yeah, I'll have some. And by the way, for me, this also plays to my, like the idea of performing high. I've done it before. I don't like it. I don't like it. It's fucking horrible. I think it's horrible. Norm, Norm,

like it takes a big rip off of a bowl and like coughs. He's like, Jesus Christ, what is this? And it's good wee, but he's coughing. He's like, whoa, tear runs down his face. You know, he's like a coughing fit. Right. And he's like, whoa. And I'm like, and then they're like, hey, Norm, we're bringing you up on stage in like two minutes. I'm like, you're okay with this? He's like, yeah, you know. So we just start walking through the parking lot and we're talking about, um,

what is it? Dirty, dirty work, dirty work. And he's telling me the Rickles story about how he's like, when we were shooting that, he tells me that it's when Sinatra was dying and,

In the hospital. So he goes, and we worked with him for like a couple of days and then we didn't see him for a few weeks. And then we saw him again. So he goes, after the few weeks I went up to him and I was like, Hey, um, I just want to say, you know, I'm sorry about Frank. I knew he, I know you guys are really close.

And he goes, yeah, you know, I went and visited him in the hospital and he was all like, and he starts just like that. And Norm said he was like, Jesus Christ. So he was enjoying like telling the Rickles story about how he was mocking, like you were saying, like making fun of your friends, you know? Right. And we walk into the front door of the Irvine Improv at the time, the old one.

Which is like, once you walk in, it's just like a straight path down the thing. Yeah, totally. And like, I don't know, man. I mean, I'm much younger in stand-up. But the idea of walking in to go on stage is like, it's just so anxiety-inducing, you know? Yeah. So I'm watching him and I'm like, oh. They're like, Norm MacDonald. And he's just like, oh, see you guys. And he walks up.

walks right up to the mic and he's like, and he's holding a twist off Coke and he just starts talking about Coke and Sprite and like killing high out of his mind. And I'm like, oh yeah, this is other, this is another level of, of like composure and confidence and just like mastery of this. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, totally. He was high out of his mind and, and he's coming from a conversation and then he's just talking about Coke cause he's holding it.

You know, it was just like, I was like, holy shit. It was, it blew my mind because I was of the mindset, especially then of like, well, fucking gather yourself, you know, like sit in the green room for a while. Don't fucking like get your, don't have your, don't be high. Have a, yeah, totally have a thought of what you're going to do up there. And he was just like, just riffing on Coke. Yeah, no, he was amazing. Yeah. But I remember when I first started Mitch Hedberg. Yeah. Was a good friend of mine.

And I remember when I first started, I was like so, again, anxiety. Yeah. Like I was just like terrified of like silence. Yeah. When I was on stage. I was so like hyper energy. And I remember seeing Mitch Hedberg. And this is, you know, 1996. And I remember seeing him. And he would go on stage. And he would tell a joke. And he did one-liners. If you don't know who Mitch Hedberg is, fuck you. Yeah. Yeah, wake up, motherfucker. You want to fight me? Sorry, somebody else.

No. So like Mitch would go on stage, do a one-liner and then he would just sit there high. So high. So high. So high. So high. So he would do a one-liner and then he would wait a minute in between his next joke. And I couldn't process that. Yeah. Cause it was so weird to me again. Like I was so anxiety ridden about like, okay, I need to like laughter. Yeah. Suck. Suck. Yeah.

But like Mitch was just so like, and then I remember when I first met him after we got off stage, I was like, Hey, like, so doesn't that like stress you out when you just stand there and like, wait a minute. And he goes, no, man, it was just like the most like Zen. It's like, Oh man, I don't know. Yeah. That's it's fucking foreign to good God. That's so crazy. But Norm was like,

He would kind of do whatever he wanted. All the time. All the time. So I remember when I would do colleges, and I'd be like, hey, do you guys have comedy a lot here? And they'd be like, yeah, we had Norm MacDonald. And I'd go, oh, I love Norm. And they're like, yeah. Yeah.

It didn't go well. I'm like, what do you mean? I remember it was a college in Iowa. It might have been Iowa State. Oh. And they were like, yeah. You're talking about the Iowa Fair story? That's the greatest fucking... That's another one. Okay. No, this is a different one. Oh, a different one. Okay. And I brought up the college gig to Norm when we became friends.

And I was like, hey, dude, I remember back in the day, I did Iowa State, and I guess you were there, and it didn't go well. And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, Iowa State. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was just, I wasn't in the mood. And I'm like, okay. You just weren't feeling it? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I just, yeah, I didn't like it. And I'm like, okay.

Just cool. Just do what you feel like. Whatever you want. The, um, when I started playing Canada, like, you know, God, it was 15 years ago. You know, he's obviously hardcore Canadian, hardcore Canadian and pride and joy of a lot of, of, uh, people in the Canadian comedy scene as he should be.

And so we'd all ask, you know, you'd ask stories about like, oh yeah, they're like, yeah, Norm worked here. I'm like, so what was that like? And they're like, it was like the old manager. He's like, oh yeah, he was pretty, he was different, you know? He goes, he would, if he killed, he would hide after the show. Like he would hide in the back room. He goes, but if he bombed and like really ate shit,

and upset people and just was like just a terrible show, then he would stand in the lobby and make sure to shake everybody's hand on the way out. That's amazing. Yeah, so he'd be like, hi. And they were like, you were awful. That's the most norm thing ever. Yeah, right? And so most people do the opposite. Right. And they want to hide if they have it. And he was like, no, no, look at me. Hi. That was me. Yeah, look at me. Yeah. Hey, sir.

You have fun or what? You like it? Good God. Crazy. I remember one of my favorite things was Mitch Hedberg's bit about, so back in the day, Tom, how long have you been doing stand-up? 22 or 23 years. Okay, yeah. Because we've known each other, what, 20 years? I met you, yeah. So yeah, I've done it like almost 30. And so back in the day, I don't know if you remember this, when they would have comment cards.

So, like, after you would do a show at a comedy club, they'd have comment cards for this pre-internet. So people would just write down, like, fuck this. And I remember Mitch Hedberg had a bit about, he goes, yeah, I read my comment cards, and they said, Mitch sucked.

Okay. Well, then they wrote their address down. Well, yeah, I suck, but I have a lot of free time. And now I know where you live. And I'm paraphrasing it, but that was the gist of it. That's very good. But it was perfect. I remember your joke when... This is one of the things I just... I don't know if you put this in a special or anything, but you were doing a set at Melrose, and you had a joke about just...

Having gotten your teeth whitened? Do you remember this show? Oh, yeah. Did you end up using it in something? I did on Tonight Show. Oh, you did? Yeah. Very funny. My opening joke. That was your opening joke? It's like, oh, your dad died? Cool. Like, that sucks. I got my teeth whitened. I want to show it off, but sometimes it's not appropriate. Or someone's like, hey, my dad died. I'm like, no way. Yeah.

Yeah, I loved that joke. That was a good one, dude. Thanks, man. Yeah, yeah. By the way, I'm very proud of you. Are you? Thanks, man. Because I saw you back in the day at the Comedy Store, and you were so funny. You're one of those comics that you watch, and you're like, oh, he's hilarious. He's going to, like, guys like that are like Sebastian. So many people are like, oh, this person's going to explode and be amazing. Yeah.

So I'm proud of you. Well, thanks, man. Yeah, no, it's fun to watch. I love watching comedy. Me too. Just like seeing people like

Just be great. Like even like Galifianakis and Mitch Hedberg, people like that back in the day where I'm like, Oh, these like, this is, I'm watching something special. Yeah. I remember watching Galifianakis also like at the fuck. What was like M bar? Wasn't it called M bar? Good God. I remember seeing him and like you'd go to M bar. There'd be what? 50 people there.

Yeah. You know, it's like not a big space. And on the lineup would be like Zach, Louie, Sarah, Patton, Pat. And they're all, and you're like, holy shit, this is on a like 50 person show, like audience show at a little bar. Yeah, totally. Pretty crazy. But that's, what's great about LA. It's, it's like, you can just, I remember one time I showed up at the parlor on Melrose. Do you ever do the parlor? No.

um yeah it was like a sports bar sports bar yeah yeah they would do comedy jay davis shout out jay davis okay and uh i remember i showed up one time and i'm like hey i gotta work out like can i get like 10 minutes and jay's like yeah whatever so i'm like okay and then this is a free show at a sports bar and i showed up daniel toff showed up dave chapelle showed up

Dane Cook showed up. Four of us all showed up impromptu, not booked at all, just to work out. Wow. And the crowd was like, what in the fuck is going on right now? Like, it just kept, like, just headliner, headliner, headliner, like, for free. Yeah. And people are doing, like, lemon drops or whatever the fuck. Fucking retard. It's like...

but it was a free show like that's insane that's crazy that's like a five thousand dollar ticket i know just for dane there was nights too wait that was sip six it's just cubes at this point ice pubes you want more i mean i'm not opposed to it send it over why don't you pray more i will i mean i figure if i'm gonna do a drinking podcast this would be the one this would be the one to do

I think I'm converting you, though. To what? To this fucking vodka. I mean, could you send me a case? Yeah, of course. Yeah, duh. Yeah, duh. I'm going to join you on this one. Yay! And we praise him. Hold on. And we pray. And we pray. It is pretty nuts, though, that you have the fucking stand-up and you're in this goddamn movie world the way you are. Yeah, because I'm a fucking insane talent. You are. I've always thought you were an insane talent. Yeah.

go cheers cheers bud cheers love you love you congrats on yet another special make joke from face it's on youtube right now and then toilet head this fall he wears shorts i'll wear shorts and then i did my netflix special i did like the half hour yeah that was the last one i did and i showed up and i forgot to bring pants and crystalia was like

Are you fucking kidding me? He goes, what are you wearing? I go, I have no idea. Neil Brandon was on it. Nicole Byer was great. And they were like, what the fuck? And I'm like...

yeah, I just, yep, forgot to bring pants. So you wore shorts for that? Yeah. And they were like, we've like planned our outfit for like months in advance and you forgot to bring pants. So you're just wearing basketball shorts? Like what is going on here? It's insane. I'm like, yeah. And then I went to a mall and bought pants. Oh, you did? Okay. It was in Montreal just for laughs. Ah, okay.

And I went to the guy that worked at the fucking store. And I go, bonjour. And he goes, ça va? And I go, très bien. I go, je joue au comédie. I go, pants. And he goes, yeah. So then he gives me pants. I didn't even try them on. How did they fit? Fine. Fine.

And then I just go, hey, thanks, man. Sorry. That's all the French I know. Yeah. I go, cool. And he was so mad. Montreal. French Canadians. I mean, what do you want from us? Seriously. Get the fuck out of here, man. Fucking tards. So fucking, you're so weird. Just Canada tards? Yeah, so weird. What are we, why are we pretending we're in this special faraway place? You're so weird.

The first time a Just for Laughs transpo guy picks you up, he's like, you all a... And you're like, what?

And he's like, I drive you to the hotel. And you're like, okay, cut the shit. Like you've lived here. You're 37. You're 37 years old. You didn't pick up on English any of the fucking time you've been here. You're right. You're right here. You're in a mostly English speaking. You're in fucking Canada. Come on, man. You're in Canada. Being from Minnesota. It's like,

I can't imagine somebody in Minnesota being like, what if you have the hot dish? You want the Jagermeister? No, it's Jagermeister. Just shut your fucking mouth.

Get it over yourself. Seriously. You're a fucking retard. Take your beret off. Take it off. It's not a real hat. It's so dumb. It's not a hat. And I love going to the French Comedy Week shows when it's just a guy twirling a cane and everyone's like, ha, ha, ha. They're like, this is what you're excited about? Embarrassing. It's so embarrassing.

Oh, what is these? They turn around and sound like... They do like, they love pranks. They're like, I stole a shoe. The other prank videos are always like, I picked up a shoe. And now the person is like, where's my shoe? And you're like, this is the height of where you're going with this, huh? This is it. This is the apex of your comedy. Someone lost a shoe. Great.

You know what I do love is Asian prank shows. They go hardcore. They go so fucking hard. The best one I've ever seen. Do you have it? The one that I sent you, I said this is the best video I've ever seen. Yeah, let me pull it up. It's such a bold statement. You know what I'm talking about? The best video I've ever seen. In the cab? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on. Okay. Keep going. You go and we'll pull this. Did you ever see the outhouse one? It was on a ski slope. What?

It is so fucking bonkers. So it's an outhouse in the middle of a ski slope. And then people go potty. Yeah. Like you do go potty. And then the walls come down and then the toilet has skis on it. And now they're sitting on a toilet. With skis. Yeah. Going down the hill. That's amazing. As they're like have explosive diarrhea. It's like...

In our country, we love the United States. Yeah. You would get canceled immediately if you did that. Well, in the Asian world, too, they also are okay with just sheer terror. Like, there's one where they had somebody...

brought into a um like an office and then they had a guy come out with guns and just but they had it rigged so that like as he shot glass exploded everywhere people are on the ground they're like you know they're scared for their life and then they're like it's a joke ta-da so they're just like we're gonna terrify you well what's the one what was it

God, was it Japan where they had the bridge that would break? The glass bridge? Do you know that one? Yes. Where they walk? Yeah. Horrifying. Yeah. Like terrifying. People walking. It would like creak or whatever. Yeah. And then people are like, oh, I'm dead. I'm about to die. Yeah. And then they're like, yeah. Okay. Okay. Can you grab those cans right there?

Cut them! Get out!

Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! stop! stop! stop! stop!

They're just kidding about, he didn't really, we're not going to kill you. And he can't settle after this, you know. He's like, oh my God. He's so scared, dude. Do you know how you thought we were about to kill you? We're kidding.

It was a joke. He's totally like, bro. He's like, you want water? He's like, no. He's like, he can't recover. Yeah, that's fucking horrifying. Everything good? He's like, huh? Oh my God. He's just watching him. Help! Help!

I'm not going to do that.

I could watch this. I've watched this video 45 times. I could watch that every day for the rest of my life. Yeah. Oh, man. That's crazy. Prank stuff is hilarious. At this level. I like when they do things like... When you go hard in the pain. Yeah. Where you're like, you know what? I'm going to challenge your fucking reality. Yeah. I'm going to challenge everything you've ever known. If you think you're going to die for real, that's a good prank. It's a great prank. Good God.

I had a show I created that never fucking went anywhere. It was called Hell Gig for Comedy Central. And it was a reality show where I would set up comics, like new comics, and I would set them up with like the worst gig ever. And it was like, you know, it was like when Punk'd was around. Sure. So it was like that type of show.

Where it was like, I would have comedians show up at a Klan meeting, and they would have to do stand-up. Or at a kindergarten birthday party. And they would have to be really raunchy. That's very funny, though. I know, and it never went anywhere. Do you ever stop? Because you are definitely a star from it. Do you ever think about how crazy it is? How much Comedy Central changed from what it was for us in the early 2000s?

To now, like how that was the, that was, it was like, that's all you wanted to do is be on Comedy Central. Well, yeah. It's like, how do you fuck that up? That's a great, that's a, I mean, I want to see the documentary about it, but. Yeah. I mean, like you were Comedy Central. You had everybody. Everybody. At your fingertips. Yeah. You had every comedian. I mean, I sold so many shows there that never did anything. But it was. My show Pretend Time. Yeah.

But to do stand-up on there was the biggest deal. That was huge. Yeah, it just went to shit. It went to shit, man. Yeah, they really fucked that up. I remember when I did my Netflix special and then Comedy Central had a party at Just for Laughs in Montreal. Oh, shit, shit. So they had a Comedy Central party and then Netflix was like, yeah, you know what? We're going to put our banners up.

over the Comedy Central banners at the party. Really? And it was Comedy Central's party. It was one of the biggest fuck yous I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, they were like, yeah, cool, good flux. Anyway, have fun with your network. That's not going to exist anymore. Bye. All it has, they still have South Park, which is amazing. South Park is one of the best things ever. Matt and Trey, not to cut you off, Tom, I love you. Yeah, yeah, cut me off.

Matt and Trey are geniuses. And that's like, you know, Norm used to make fun of that word, but it was like, those guys are fucking legends. Yeah. Like doubling, tripling down on being legends. Team America. Amazing. Amazing. Yeah. Everything they do is amazing. South Park, obviously. Yeah. But like, holy fuck.

Imagine like having that creative brain. No, those guys are. They took acid and went to the Oscars. Those guys are. Like fucking game on. They're the best for sure. But it's like, what is that network without them now? Well, they have daily show. Okay. I don't watch any of it. Yeah. I mean, they have, they just started airing reruns of shows. Yeah. So like that's when they jumped the shark. Wait, who hosts fucking daily show now?

I think it's Jon Stewart. He come back. No, he does a day, like one day. He just does it because I think it's election year. He just comes in. Carrot Top? Do they still have a rotating host? Is it Carrot Top? Yes or no, Tom, is it Carrot Top? It's Carrot Top. Wait. Is it Celery Head? I think they're still doing the rotating host. They're doing rotating host still. Yeah, he comes Monday nights. That's it. Dude, I'll host it. I know nothing about politics.

Hmm. You'd be great. I would love to have somebody ill-informed. I would be great at the Daily Show and the Olympics, but I know nothing about either of them. Are you a best... Or I could do this, Tom. Let me just say this. Yeah. I could do the rings on the Daily Show and then talk nonsense about politics. I would love to see some good...

Or maybe Bert. Vote for my vodka. Good photoshops of Nick doing the rings and other Olympic events. Oh, amazing. Yeah. There'll be some good ones. Oh, please send them. Yeah. Everybody send them my way. Do deep fakes too. Me doing the Olympics. Yeah. Deep fakes are great. Dude, I'm...

I love when people create stuff like that. Yeah. Because I can't do that. I can't do it at all. I don't know how anything works. Like the internet, like I am completely full Tardicon. Tardicon? Yeah. That's my new festival I'm starting. It's, and again, when I say retard, I mean Down Syndrome. No, I'm kidding. That's it. I grew up in a time where it didn't have the same...

Meaning? Yeah, well, when I use the word retard, if you look it up, it means stupid. It doesn't mean like a handicapped person. Dummy. Yeah, just being dumb. Like Bert and his hearing. Like Bert's ears. Yeah, they're retarded. Bert's ears. Bert's tears or ears. Both. We'll be right back with more. All right, sip number eight. Okay, are you doing a movie right now?

I start filming Happy Gilmore 2, and that's all I can say. Seriously? Yeah. They're doing part two? Mm-hmm. September. And that's all I can say about it. When did you know you were in with that crew? Grandma's boy. Then you're like, oh, I'm part of the crew? Sandler saw my Comedy Central special, and he called my manager, and we had the same manager, Bernie Berlstein, rest in peace.

And he called me in and he was like, hey, I've got this movie called Grandma's Boy. And I heard you're a writer. And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, can you rewrite the script? And I go, yeah. He goes, it needs a full page one. And I'm like, yeah, done. So I did. And he was like, oh, this is great. Do you want to work with me? And I'm like, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That'd be great. So that's how, that's how that. That's how it started. He saw my comedy central special and then grandma's boy, it was the first movie. So you did the page one rewrite page one, full page one. And then he, he read the new draft and was like, this is great. He's like, Oh, this dude knows what he's doing. And then we did bench warmers and then everything. He's the best. He's truly the best. People always ask me, they're like,

What does Adam Sandler like? I'm like, he's fucking awesome. He's like the coolest dude. I mean, Bert doesn't know who he is, but. No. What is your name? All I wanted to do, I told Tom before, this is just Rose Bert. You've done a good job. Florida Stare. Florida. Yeah, that cool. No, it's not.

When did you see him and realize he's not just a retarded guy, but he was like going to be a proficient standup? Cause not right away. It was later on. It was not right away. I was like, Oh, we got Robert Downey syndrome right here. What is this guy fucking talking about? Just boring everyone. But then he took his shirt off and everything changed. Everything changed.

No, but he like, I'm so proud of him. Cause he's just like, he was so smart and just branding himself. He did one of my favorite things where he did like, Oh God, this was a long time ago. This is before he blew up where he did, um, a day drinking comedy tour. Do you remember this? Yes. Yes. And I remember hearing this actually shout out again, Acme comedy company, Louis Lee, uh,

And they were like, yeah, this guy Bert Kreischer. College Sick to Work show? Yeah. That thing? Yeah, it was amazing. I thought that was so brilliant. He's a good marketer.

He has a good marketing mind. Yeah. He can't talk or see or read. But he has good thoughts for that. He has thoughts for that. For that. But yeah, it was, but I thought that was so brilliant. It's like, you know, what, what, you know, cut work. Cut work and come to a show. Yeah. Come to a show at fucking noon. It's great. At a comedy club. Yeah. Like game on. That's a really good, it's a really good idea. No, he's brilliant. Really good idea. He's not brilliant. Oh yeah. Let's not go there. Right.

The new special, Make Joke From Face, filmed at the San Jose Improv. You can see it right now on YouTube. Tickets for the Toilet Head Tour are at NickSwarzen.net. It's a funny title. Toilet Head is very funny. Yeah, again, my agent was so confused. He's like, so, like, when we make an image, should we put a toilet on your head? I'm like, no.

It's just called toilet head. Yeah. Like it's not literal. Yeah. And they're like, you know, agents are dumb. Yeah. Okay. So like we, do we put like poop on your head? No, it's just, it's called toilet head. It's my head coming out of a toilet. Jesus Christ. Just get the fucking artwork right. Fuck off.

Yeah, you're one of the funniest dudes, man. I really honestly mean it. You're one of the funniest. You always make me laugh. You're fucking so good as a comedian and as an actor, but I'm a big fan. So thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. And likewise, you're awesome. Thanks, man. Again, I'm so proud of you. Thank you, man. For just ripping it. Thanks, brother. Just keep going. Thank you. We hope you can hear again. We hope your hearing comes back soon. We hope the treatment goes well. And we will see you guys and...

next week. Bye.