Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
01:21:56 Share

100% And welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Our next guest has a new special dropping on Netflix on January 14th. It's called America's Sweetheart. That's what I am. It's Ari Shaffir. Thanks, guys. Good to be here.

Nice to see you boys again. Good to see you. Congratulations. Congrats. Thank you. You excited? I'm pretty excited, yeah. When did you shoot this one? April in D.C. In D.C., okay. End of April. I'm always curious, as a self-destructive comic, what are your intentions for this special? Ha ha ha!

As someone who doesn't care about making money, touring, keeping ticket prices low, and kind of likes to blow up their own career, what are you hoping comes out of this special? Good question. Do you want Bradley Cooper to call you and be like, you're so talented?

No, that's not what I know I would be bad. Okay. Hey, it's Brad. You get a phone call one day Yeah, Brad, which face time face time. He just facetimes. Yeah, but a geezer. Oh, he's awesome That's my mom does that's what I do facetimes. That's what Shaq does He does face time everyone. I was Shaq. I would just face time straight to dick all the time Wow, how could you not it's such a bold move? I know he faced time. He taking a shit one time. He was taking a shit. Yeah. Well

What? I would love to see that. And I was on stage. How big are his dumps? That's what I'm saying. I want to see that bowl. Yeah. I got videos. Of his shits? You don't have a video of his shit. I'm almost certain I do. So he showed you the bowl? No, hold on. You went in there afterwards and just kind of sniffed around? Doesn't have an auto flusher? Yeah. But think about how big.

- How big, long? - You ever sit in the toilet and your dick hits the bowl? I mean, he's gotta get extra big toilets. - The volume, I took a shit at his house, and I was thinking about that. I was like, oh man, this is where he shits. - 'Cause also, it must be, we went to the Philadelphia, whatever, all their, like the 76ers, all their toilets are way higher, the urinals start here. - Yeah, sure. - Yeah. - Yeah, short is 6'5". - Right. - Right. - So I'm going to take a shit. - He's going to take a shit, okay.

Wait, you have the aftermath? He's farting his way in? No. I would love a count on how many times, like if there was a running life count on how many times he's hit his head on a doorway. Oh.

Probably in the thousands right where he's just like but like fuck because everyone's experienced it But it's a daily occurrence for him. Nothing is made for that man ever nothing toothbrushes his teeth are bigger like a toothbrush He's gonna go like he said that for a water bottle when I sat down with him. I was like what so he's like these fucking little thing It was a regular water bottle. He just squeezes it. Have you seen a special? Has a special now come on Netflix. Yeah, it's called Shaq. No, it's on the magic page

Penny Hardaway and Shaq. Oh, yeah, yeah. When you see Shaq at 22...

Buddy, he is, I mean, undeniable. Because he was lean and powerful. 300 pounds of lean muscle. He was 285 when he got in the league. At LSU? Yeah, and he would run the... Remember, he would sometimes take the ball up himself. They would just dish it to him, and he would run up the court the way he would move. It was insane. I asked him, when I was dating a girl who lived in Orlando on the same lake Shaq did in college, and you know, like...

you know, white men or some older white men at that time would just be like, man, Shaq's a wild man. You know what he does? They take their jet skis and they run them from the lake into his pool. And I wanted to know if that was real. Shaq goes, yeah, we did that. He would take his jet ski, go as fast as they could on the lake, and then get on the grass and try to get it all the way up to the pool. Sounds right. And you're looking at just dentists going, what the fuck?

My favorite with him was in Jackass, and he starts with, like, he's holding Wee Man, but you can't see him. He's just here to here. He goes, I'm Shaquille O'Neal. This is bowling for whatever, and then he pans out. He's got Wee Man, and then all of them are lined up. One, two, three, and four, and he just throws Wee Man at all of them. But my favorite, he's doing some setup shot, and somebody comes with a water balloon and hits him, and he hits like that, and he just looks at the camera guy and goes, was that piss? The camera guy goes, yeah. He just takes off after this guy.

Have you seen the video of Philip Seymour Hoffman falling off a van? No. Do you type in Philip Seymour Hoffman commercial guitar fall? I saw it this morning, and I was like, it's a real fucking... Yeah, that's it. That's it. This is insane. Did his own stunts, Philip Seymour Hoffman. This is from a commercial? Yeah, I think so. Watch this. Okay.

Go, go, yeah, you go. Oh, this is in, what's it called? Hey, this is Dean Trumbull for The Mattress Man. Give me a call at 370-0466. Is this the porn movie? No, I don't think so. For a limited time only, Dean and Dean's Mattress has queen mattress sets for $99 and king sets for $129. Oh, shit.

That's great. That's a pro.

Or someone that is using heroin. Yeah. I don't feel anything. That's a legit fucking fault. That's a fault. That definitely sucked, man. I'm sorry. The second bounce and then it was like, oh, now it's trouble. I saw that this morning and I was like, that's, you gotta go to the hospital. That definitely sucks.

Were you searching? No, it just came up. All that's in my feed right now, all that's in my feed is Shane Gillis clips, Theo Vaughn clips. The Shane Gillis ones come nonstop. Nonstop. Shane, yeah. The fucking CEO shooter. Breonna Chicken Fry. Breonna Chicken Fry? Breonna Chicken Fry. Are you familiar with the Breonna Chicken Fry thing? Say her name. Breonna Chicken Fry. Say her name. Am I saying it wrong? Say it again. Breonna Chicken Fry.

Yeah, you're saying it wrong. Well, you say it. Brianna Chicken Fry. Huh? I'm talking about Brianna Taylor. Who the fuck are you talking about? Say her name.

I feel like, I feel like, Brianna Chicken Fried. Who the fuck are you talking about? I don't even think you know who I'm talking about. I know exactly who you're talking about. Brianna Chicken Fried. Who is she dating? She was dating that country singer. What's his name? I forgot his name right now. Zach Bryant. Zach Bryant, yeah. Yeah. Why do you keep saying her name wrong? She's a loony. I'm not saying her name wrong. You are. You keep saying it wrong. He just typed it in, Brianna Chicken Fried. Where? Oh, Chicken Fry? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh, Chicken Fry? You said Chicken Fried. Yeah, you said Fried every time. Oh, I know.

Okay, wait. I mean, we're really splitting hairs over a fucking name? Make believe me? I mean, it's a good point. It's a good point. It's not a real name. Yeah, Brie LaPaglia. Who is she? She had a podcast with Grace O'Malley. Okay. And I guess Zach Bryan. Who's hotter?

Did she used to hang out at the store? Did she go to the store? No, really? I mean, she would get a lot of attention at the store. Maybe I'm thinking of somebody else. Here's the deal. Do you know any of the gossip? Because I want to run it all by you and see what you think. Run it by me. I don't. So, Zach Bryan, I'm going to jump in and throw my two cents in. Okay. He's getting rid of all his... Oh, you're talking about two cents. I'm all ears. Okay. Is there any way I can get you up to three? Yeah. You're very...

Those two cents really add up, right? Two here, two there, two everywhere. All of a sudden you got ten cents. Go ahead. That's not the government's working for you. You do that all the time. That's so great. So, Zach Bryant, I don't know how to say his last name. I don't know if it's Bryant or Bryant. It's one of the two. Zachary and her, he apparently, this is my two cents for everything. He got famous.

He doesn't have any real friends. Starts dating this chick. Out of his league. Out of his league. Doesn't deserve her. In real life, she'd never date him. I think she said she was in love with him. I don't think she really compartmentalized how much the fame and doing arenas and dating the guy standing in front of the arena mattered into that. That's just my opinion. She was already a public figure before they started dating? No. I mean, she was. She had a podcast, but she wasn't who she is today. Trouble. Yeah. And so...

But apparently he just gets famous and he can't control it. He doesn't know how to deal with it. And he just is a pretty bad boyfriend to her. And from what everyone says, here's the weird part, is that anytime he acts up, her friends are around. They always record him.

Yeah, it's pretty rough. Yeah, and this is how bad of a boyfriend he was. He gets drunk, and while she's sleeping, he just starts recording her and waking her up and going, how do you like that, huh? Yeah, so it's not, the relationship is doomed. That's also not going to catch her on anything. What's she going to catch her doing? Like...

The relationship was doomed. Hot chick, ugly guy, lots of money, can't trust anyone. He's a star. He's a star. And he's really talented. And he's good. The dynamic is way off because without his guitar, he's doing anything she asks of him. No, he's changing her tires. It looks like a guy that would fill up the tires at the shop and then she'd be like, thank you. She's gorgeous. And that would be the highlight of his day. You see that chick pull him? Okay.

Bro, tell us about what she smelled like. Yeah, exactly. That would be the full story. She is absolutely beautiful. She really is. And he's, you know,

I just don't see, if he's not a country western star, him getting her. He doesn't look country also. He looks like Michael Bublé type of music. Nah, he is. He's country. He is. He's really talented. Is that we're all fishing in the same boat? Anyway, they break up. Okay. He says, yo, $12 million. Let's never talk about this relationship again. Wait, wait, wait. He just gave her $12 million? You gotta sign an NDA. Okay.

Why? She's already recorded everything. Wow. How much money does he make? The tour grossed $199 million. Wow, that's a lot, Zach. I take everything I said back about him. I think he's so good looking and talented. I'm a big fan. Coldplay is too?

This is the one part where I think Brianna got confused with emotions and loving a person as opposed to what it's like hanging out with number eight on the worldwide top touring artist list. When you hang out with number eight, you

You always fly private. You always have meals prepared. You have people getting you anything you want. Life is different. That is a 1% motherfucker. And she got a taste of what it's like to be with the 1%ers. And she liked it. All you got to do is not stir the pot.

And that's one thing she couldn't do. No, no, no. He broke up with her. He broke up with her because I think he's just... Dude, I think he doesn't understand how fucking... What a mindfuck being number eight on this list is for him. He's trying to be a real dude. And there's no way you can be real when you're number eight. That's just impossible. Bad Bunny is in front of him. The guy changed his name to Bad Bunny. Yeah, well, no one on the list is a reasonable person. Not one. They're all out of their fucking minds. Bruce is the closest. Because that's what...

Yeah, and I think he's full of shit, too. Madonna's crazy. Metallica guys, it's a spectrum. Brianna needs to realize she's hanging out with a young Madonna. Yeah, yeah, exactly. A young Madonna. Louis Miguel. Literally no one knows who Louis Miguel is. No. Not one of us has ever heard of that name before. I know who that is. He's fourth in the world. I know who that is. I've never even heard of him. This is how his life is skewed. He will go perform, and I'm saying soaking, soaking, sweating. Take that shirt off.

throw it and the women will take it and drink the water from his sweat. Falkings for real? Yeah, dude. What do you think that does to your head? He's not a well-adjusted guy. There's no fucking way. Playoffs? We're talking about playoffs. You bet we are. Get in on the action at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL.

Scoring touchdowns is key to winning in the playoffs, and you can score big by betting on them at DraftKings, the number one place to bet touchdowns. Ready to place your first bet? Try betting on something simple, like a player to score six. Go to the DraftKings Sportsbook app and make your pick. I mean, this is what it's all about, having an intense bet.

intense emotional investment in the game. And there's no more fun than doing it at DraftKings and keeping your eye on every score. We love DraftKings Sportsbook. It's the most fun way to engage when watching a game. New DraftKings customers can bet $5 to get $250 in bonus bets

instantly download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use the code BEARS. That's code BEARS for new customers to get $250 in bonus bets instantly when you bet just five bucks only on DraftKings Sportsbook, the crown

is yours.

Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see DKNG.co slash audio. Oh, 2025. A new you and a new year. Full of possibilities, but don't let the bad times of 2024 bring you down. This year, reach new heights with VIA. Trusted by over half a million happy customers, VIA is the Swiss Army Knife.

of wellness dedicated to harnessing the natural benefits of hemp to create high quality wellness products. Whether you're looking to improve your sleep, focus, recovery, add a little pep into your step or just get high. Vaya has something for you and for me. I enjoy Vaya so much. And guess what? They have these no THC ones that Leanne takes.

and she loves them. Our sleep has never been better. Their products range from 0 milligrams to 100 milligrams of THC. So these guys have you covered whether you're looking to microdose or enjoy more potent effects.

If you're 21 and up, check out the link to VIA in our description and use the code BEARS to receive 15% off. And if you're new to VIA, get a free gift of your choice. After you purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you this year. Enhance your every day with VIA. Popping the big question? Sure, it's a huge moment. What they don't tell you is how many decisions you'll have to make when choosing the perfect engagement ring. Shape, size, style, setting, cut, color, clarity, caret.

If you're like most people, you have no idea. But trust me, she knows exactly what she wants. So it's time to learn fast. There's no better place to start than BlueNile.com. At BlueNile.com, you'll create a bigger, more brilliant engagement ring than you can ever imagine at a price you'll never find at a traditional jeweler.

Since 1999, Blue Nile has been the original online jeweler. Your surprise will stay safe because every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. In most cases, even delivered online.

And because love can last forever, you get free service and repair for life. Right now, get $50 off your purchase of $500 or more with code BEARS at BlueNile.com. That's $50 off with the code BEARS at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. I mean, it's a mindfuck.

All this. So the officer, $12 million, says, don't say a fucking word. Let's just break up. It's over. That seems plenty. Right? She doesn't take it. She doesn't take it. She can get more. No. On the market. No, no. She says, my silence.

is invaluable. I need to tell my story. And so she goes out. She's like, this is going to get some downloads because I'm a podcaster. And you know, Portnoy was like, you should come on my podcast and talk about it. So hers podcast had to be pretty big, right? She had one with Grace, which was a good podcast. It was a really cool podcast. And then she has one with Dave Portnoy and Josh. All the time or just an episode? All the time. It's called BFFs, I think. Why'd she call herself Chicken Fry? I don't know. It's not from him.

- It's before. - It's before, yeah. - It's just a nickname. - But Dave's like, you know Dave's like, fucking burn the bridges. Tell your fucking side of the story. - Tell everything. I don't know Zach Bryan, fucking go. - Yeah, oh no, Dave knows Zach Bryan and does not like him. - Oh. - Oh, Zach Bryan kicked his dog out of a green room. - Well here's the origin. She compared her leg once to a Burger King chicken fry. - Okay, first observation.

This chick fucking sucks. No. Yeah. No. This chick sucks. No, you'd fucking fall in love with her. She's funny. She's only funny if you look at her face. On paper, this chick sucks. Oh, my leg is like a fry from Burger. Everyone will say that now.

God, hot chicks will make you think they're funny when they are not. That is a true thing. Yes, that's true. When you're like, if you put them in a fat guy's body, they're just annoying. Same joke. Let me try it. Call my leg chicken fry. Actually, it's pretty good. If David Lucas did that, you'd be like, that's funny. David Chicken Fry. Man. David Burr Chicken Fry.

She's not that bad. But what do you think? And then now her and Grace are having a falling out. Of course, because she sucks. Wait, why are they having a falling out? Because I just partied with Grace in Nashville. Is Grace fucking Zach Bryan now? No, Grace sniffed it out day one. She's like, this guy fucking sucks. You've got to hear the way Grace talks. Wait, wait, why are they having a falling out? Because she didn't listen to him? No, because I think...

I don't know why they had a falling out, but now they broke up their podcast. Grace went out and is doing stand-up show opening for Whitney. And she went out. Wait, wait, wait. I love you so much. Okay, go ahead. You needed to just process that? Yeah. Okay. She's doing stand-up now. Immediately jumps to theater tours.

Okay, go ahead. I love these people that are like, I worked hard. I practiced for over seven months to get where I'm at. Grace and Brianna together. Have any of these bitches done a year of featuring on the road to hopefully turn 10 into a headline gig? I can't tell you that. I don't know the answer to that. I don't know the answer to that. But I like them together. I like them separate. I kind of like Zach Bryan's music. My question is...

Is it worth the 12 million? Do you sign it, shut your mouth, never say a fucking word? Well, her circumstances come into play in that decision. There's the integrity of my silence, but it's also like, if she was working at Burger King serving chicken fries and someone's like, here's $12 million, you probably would take it. I'm saying she's probably in a good position to be able to do that too. How much do you think she makes on a podcast over a bar stool? I have no fucking idea. $2 million a year?

I don't know. I've never heard of it. Enough where it didn't sway her to jump on it. Yeah, if you offer Rogan $12 million, he's like, oh, here's you. I'll give it to you. Can I tell you? I just had that random one. Here's what...

Bothered me in this whole thing. Okay is I I would listen to her podcast where she talks about what it was like dating Zack She opens up. She kind of slams him pretty aggressively. We used to film him and he'd get weird about it No, she didn't what was her problem? He just he wasn't a good boyfriend and you have those that have those I've sold my silence for nothing before there's people that we had bad

issues with that we sold for nothing. We just don't talk. Yeah. And that's the other part is that she opened up everything and I was like,

It's better not to talk sometimes. How bad do you want sometimes for just someone to hack your phone and release it? Like, I didn't put it out. So bad. And all the darkest shit. So fucking bad. You more than anybody. I feel like you have... I am so fucking vindictive. Yeah. I am so fucking vengeful. I have... It's so hard for me to forgive and forget. Yeah. Because it's like, you know why? And you know this, and you know this, is that I get put in a situation where they...

And this is why I identify with her where I get taken advantage of and putting a weird compromising situation and they just go fuck him Fuck him. He'll what's he gonna do? And you just and you just go because I'm a nice guy you think I'm a week fucking it and so this whole thing kind of fucking bothered me because part of me was like Don't take the money and don't say a fucking word. I didn't realize you were this invested in this This whole thing

So why was he a bad boyfriend? He did more stuff, I'm sure. He just said mean things and verbal stuff. I think. I don't know. I don't really. Those are just, he's just, maybe. Could have, maybe, possibly. Maybe hit. I don't know. It's like, how, I mean, okay, the worst girlfriend you ever had. Yeah. If she did a tell-all podcast, just fucking. Wouldn't be great. Yeah.

I mean, I have a girlfriend. It's just if her friends did a podcast about me. I mean... Oh, man. It's like the worst. He'd always finish her food before she was done eating it. I love you guys. That's the number one complaint. I haven't eaten in years. Let me be done first, though. Wait till...

I put salt on Leanne's food the other day. You used salt on it? On her food. Because you were going to eat it. Because I was going to eat it. And I was like, hang on, let's get that. And she was like, what are you doing? I said, I'm salting your food. It's not salty enough for me. No, I just, I think that was the thing that was like, I've sold my silence for zero. Yeah, 12 million though.

A billion's a lot of money. 12 million's fucking... 300,000 or 400,000 would be a solid offer. The other thing that's relevant is that we live in this world now, everything is public consumption, but a relationship's supposed to be private. And so for someone to go like, hey, how about the thing that was between us that sucked, you don't talk about, and you're like, I don't know. Unless you go like, I have to relay this story. Well, if you're relaying...

like you said, like being hit or something like real abuse, like I understand, but if you're just like, yeah, he just sucked. Why do you have to tell everybody somebody sucked? Who's the next guy to date her?

Like, you've got to be on your best behavior all the time. Well, every time you start arguing, you'd be like, is your phone fucking recording this? Yeah. The best is the Mel Gibson argument with his chick. Yeah. When she knows she's recording it, he doesn't, and she's being overly calm. Yeah. And that's just making him more enraged. Of course. He's like, what's wrong with you? He's like, you should blow me. You shouldn't talk like that. Yeah. You should get robbed by a pack of...

Wait, so this is your first, I wanted to point out, this is your welcome back to Netflix too, right? Welcome back, yeah, 2017 it was on there. 2017? Yeah. Are you excited that it's there? I honestly at this point I don't give a fuck about platform anymore. Really? I want the most people to see it. But that's where the most are going to see it? Yeah, YouTube got sensory. Did it? Yeah. It started just randomly going, nah, we're not going to show anybody this. So we know the origin of chicken fry. Why America's Sweetheart?

Great question, Colin. Great question. Because I am that. You are that? Yeah. No, I'm trying to get people to get off the news and stuff and try to appreciate the good things in life. And they're also going to release Jew. Yeah, they're also going to release Jew. Yeah. Yeah, their boss was mad. Like, how come we didn't get that? So they were talking to them. That's great. Yeah. That's awesome. Does that mean it comes off of YouTube? I don't know.

I gotta ask my Jews about that. I don't know. I think it might be up to me. What would you do? Would you take it off and like guide people to Netflix? Take it off. Oh wait, we haven't even talked about Andrew Schultz. Wait, what? What? Never mind. Pause there. Let's go to commercial. Wait, what? Andrew Schultz. Kendrick Lamar. Oh, Jesus Christ.

What a dumb argument that was. It was based on nothing. It wasn't even like, don't talk about black chicks. I don't know. Andrew's just funny about it. And then Kendrick's like a baby. Did he respond? Kendrick? To Schultz's response? I think his fans did. Oh, the fans did. Yeah, they're not like the smartest people.

You've had those guys come out to you before, have you? Oh my God, it's so dumb. They're so dumb. The dumbest of those are so dumb. Love those. Yeah, they've come out to me pretty hard, but it's like they just get mad about disrespect on a level like, I don't even know what you're talking about. There's this new thing, too, that people do.

That is in this world where if somebody goes, like, if they would find that story, they see a video, and somebody goes, wait, what is, like, what's the story here? A fan will always go,

This is none of your business. Stay out of other people's business. And you're like, what? This is a fucking public platform. People are like, it doesn't involve you. And you're like, huh? I'm not on the street. Yeah, this is just, I want to know what the story is here. And they're like, not for you. Oh, OK. How do you know about me? I'll just ask somebody else. Thanks. Does Bluetooth work?

The best part? It's all done online.

That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. I want you to know that I did not know what I was capable of until I started chewing up Bluetooth.

I like to do it to start my day and let people discover what I'm made of. And what I'm made of is a rock hard dick. Blue Chew wants men super hard. They told me that's the mission. They will not stop until every man is bricked up like a brick house, till every tent is pitched, till every rod is raised. Discover your options at bluechew.com. You're so much more than you think you are.

And we've got a special deal for our audience. Try Blue Chew free. Just pay $5 shipping at checkout when you visit bluechew.com. That's bluechew.com to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring Two Bears, One Cave. What does the future hold for business?

Ask nine experts. You're going to get nine, maybe 10 answers. Bull market, bear market, rates will rise, rates will fall. Can someone please invent a crystal ball? Until then, over 38,000 businesses have future-proofed their business with NetSuite by Oracle, the number one cloud ERP, bringing accounting, financial management, inventory, HR into one fluid platform.

With one unified business management suite, there's one source of truth giving you the visibility and control you need to make quick decisions. With real-time insights, forecasting, you're peering into the future with actionable data. Whether you're closing the books in days, no weeks, you're spending less time looking backwards and more time on what's next. I'm telling you, if you have a business, this is like...

CEO, corporate, big, big business all in one fluid platform. It is a no-brainer. Whether you're companies earning millions or even hundreds of millions, NetSuite helps you respond to immediate challenges and seize your biggest opportunities. Speaking of opportunity, download the CFO Guide to AI and Machine Learning at netsuite.com slash bears. The guide is free to you at netsuite.com slash bears. That's netsuite.com slash bears.

Yeah, who's going to be like, all right, I'll leave it alone then. Oh, thank you, man. I told you the time I got in a fight with Black Twitter. About what? Spelling? No, no, no. It was V-Day gifts for the hood with a hashtag. Oh, you got involved in it? And I saw it, and I was reading it, and it was really racist. It was Black people making racist jokes. Get her another baby. She already got 10 of them or whatever. And then, so I put in...

I just Google searched great Valentine's Day gifts and then just put one in. I was like, how about a classy pen? And they fucking went off. They're like, stay out of this, white boy. This ain't for you. Mind your own business. And then I went, okay, how about anything Dungeons and Dragons, son?

And they were like, white boy. You put a sun on it? Yeah. And I thought it was funny. But then you start getting death threats. It's trolling. It's so fun. It's trolling. It's trolling. It's so fun. And then you're getting a rise out of them. And then the rise goes a little bit too far. Yeah. And they come after your mom. I got into it with Korea, too, one time. The whole country? Well, I thought the joke was funny. Or is that another black chick? Korean Twitter. Korean Twitter.

It's a Korean Twitter. I said, how narcissistic for Kim Jong-un to name all his children after himself. He's got Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong...

It was just a joke, right? I thought it was... And then, man, I mean, it was right around Asian Hate Month. Asian Hate Month. Whatever it is. You mean Stop Asian Hate? Yes, Asian Hate. Stop Asian Hate. Or maybe it was my hashtag. It's their month. Asian Hate Month. Did they explain to you that Kim Jong is actually the last name? They just reverse it? I knew that. That was the joke.

I was like, ah, I got it. And they were like, this is what's wrong with racist white people. And I was like, that? I was like, okay. I just deleted it quick. So I was like, these. Not worth it. Yeah. I got lectured. Lectured is such a great thing to have to deal with. Because I had a visceral response to the Will Smith slapping Chris Rock thing. Yeah, you were mad. You were worked up. We're all pretty worked up. I was worked up. But then I ended up, I let it out online, but then I let it out in interviews and like,

I think when I, when I let out a line, I was also like, I guess I was typing things out and, and you know, I just wasn't, I was like, fuck this bitch. Like talking about,

the wife and like, and also, and then people were doing the same thing to me where they were like, this, this, this stay out of, this ain't your business, man. Stay out of black folk business. And I was like, yeah, that's not what this is. Like this happened on stage. And this is a comedian that got hit for saying something. It's not. And they're like, let, let them handle this. I was like, no, that's not, I can weigh in on this if I want to. But then I was in New York that week.

And I'm walking down the street and this black dude just walks by me and he goes, ah! And I was like, oh, this is like the residual effect. I was like, oh shit, now I have to keep my head on a swivel. But they were into it. They were into it, yeah, yeah. But then it just became like, it started as like an emotional reaction and then I started trolling. Right. Because it was like. They're right there. They're presenting themselves for you. Yeah, it just took off on it, yeah. Oh, it's the best. It's fun though.

You find more joy in that than anyone I know. It's just get a rise out of people. It's just so fun to deal with. It's fun to throw a grenade into a room, shut the door and walk away and go, I don't care what happens. Let's see them all fight. I'm not good at it. I stay offline really entirely. Here's one for the fans. Any comedian you meet, if you want to fuck with them,

all you gotta say is oh dude i love you're my second favorite comedian yeah if you say you're one of my favorites they'll take that yeah second favorite they will all ask who it is who who's number one and then hit them with anything you want yeah just see how they react yeah or the other one that gets comedians to go like wait what is if you go you know who you remind me of oh no and then they'll be like because although all the comedians will do is think of like whoever the five best

comedians are and they'll be like one of them right and then picture of Lenny Bruce prior and as soon as you say somebody who isn't they're like wait what like you reminded me of who and that will get any comic fired up you remind me of and then just say anybody anybody who's not one of the elite five yeah always gets a reaction

By the way, can you do, because you were doing a really awesome impression before we started. Oh, yeah. Of who? Of Winston Churchill. Great world leader. Yeah, let me do it. Let's do it. Get your glasses on. You might want to turn around and come back. I think that's usually how it works.

I write down great Winston Churchill quotes and then I say them to myself. Ah, wayward steps are planted without too much calculation. It's not a British accent. It goes in and out. Ah, wayward. Ah, wayward. It sounds like John F. Kennedy a little bit. This is what Winston Churchill sounded. I can use a drink.

Look at how, that's how good that impression is. I want a drink now. I could use a glass of champagne. Get rude. But it sounds like old timey Americana. Do JFK now.

Ah, four score and seven years ago. Why did you give him Lincoln? Oh, is that Lincoln? Why did you give him Lincoln's words? Oh, everyone join the peace corps. That's the same as your Winston Churchill. No, it's very different. Nuanced. Definitely not very different. Nuanced. Even you would have not very different. It just sounds like. This is JFK. This is Winston Churchill. It sounds like the 1920s. You just went louder. No, I've been watching this Winston Churchill documentary. I got him down pat.

Hey, talks like this. Wouldn't it be like wayward steps? Like, wouldn't you throw some brick? Let me hear a little bit of yours. Let me see the quote. All right, fuck the quote up, so you got to kind of improv it. Oh, sure. Just like some guidance. Okay.

Our wayward steps are planted without best planted with that. What the fuck kind of quote is this? I don't know. I fucked it up. Without too much calculation. I mean, he doesn't talk like this. But at least an accent. It's some accent. Some accent would go. Oh, it might. Like he's not. What I'm doing is I'm playing chords with a little bit of finger picking and you're thinking it's just chords.

Yeah, you got to get your ears checked, bro. Yeah, it's the accent you don't hit. That's what you got to listen for.

Is this why we don't do Sober October anymore? Maybe. Because I'm not good at accents? No, I love you. Yeah, that's what, yeah. Ari, as a member of both Sober October and Protect Your Parts. Oh yeah, you're the only one. Protect Our Parts, yeah. You're the only one. Please have us remember that. You're the only one. Put respect on their name. What's that? Put respect on their name. We've never watched an episode. We refuse to. Okay. We just think it's kind of ridiculous that we got replaced. Yeah. Just replaced. Straight up replaced. Like two new white guys. At least make it diverse. Bring in an Asian or a black guy. No. No.

Wait, you didn't pick it. I did pick it. I'm the one who fucking... No, he brought them there. I said, hey, we're going to Skank Fest. We're going to Day Early. Who wants us? You replaced us? Yeah. Yeah. Why?

Because you were showing me some disrespect off the free drugs. I gave you not no. Thank you, and then so forth mm-hmm wait wait wait do I said okay? I'll move on we got replaced because you drugged me, and I didn't enjoy it You did enjoy it, but no one act like you enjoyed it. Yes. Hold on. I I thought Joe replaced us I

I said to Joe and Tom, hey, I'm going to be in Austin. I sent him both texts with Norman and Shane. And I said, we're going to go to Houston. We can stop for a day before. And Joe's like, yeah. Just so you know, I don't care. Right.

Just so you know, I'm the only one that cares. Tom's like, I'm running an empire. Guys, I have a career also. But also, I do go, it would be fun to get that Joe. To get that laid back. The fun, the Protector Parks Joe is not Sober October Joe. No, it's pretty close. It's pretty close. We just get tuned up and fucking, all you do is, none of us challenge him to fucking workouts.

None of us on Protective Parts go, let's do a push-up. I think I'm getting the... I think I'm understanding. Am I the problem? You're the factor. I wouldn't say problem. You're a key factor for sure. I like my... Part of it is that when you come in, he's going like, how's this guy alive? You're the self-help guy. Yeah, he's... Self-help guy. No, you're not the self-help guy. He's like, let's help this guy. Not self-help. What's the opposite of self-help? This is backfiring. Totally.

Yeah. So it becomes that. That's when it becomes annoying for you when you're like, all right, leave me alone. Yeah, because sometimes you come in, right, and he's just like, what's going on? You all right? Yeah. I've taken that role in Protect Our Parks where they're like, let's advise Ari. I'm like, I don't want advice. Oh, they start that to you. Yeah, and I'm like, what? I am in this role. Wait, who's Bert and who's Tom in Protect Your Parks? Protect Our Parks. It is...

Okay, it's all shifted. Yeah. So it ain't Bert. No bullshit. I'm not Mark. No. Are you me? I'm you. You're me. I'm you. Shane's Joe. What? Joe's Tom. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Joe's Tom. Norman's me. And I'm you. Wow. That's a huge shift. That's actually great. It's Shane's show.

Oh, it's Shane runs it. Yeah. Really? It's Shane's show. Really? This is my impression of Joe Rogan when Shane's in the room. Do your impression of Joe Rogan when I'm in the room. I'll do it as Churchill. I'll do Joe Rogan as Churchill. Oh, no, no. So he fans out on it. Yeah, he fans out on it. We all do a little bit. For real? Yeah, he loves him.

But then Norman, on Sober October, I just get to tag. I just get to throw in jokes. It's fun. Make fun of your fat feet. Whatever. And then that's what Norman's job is. He's just tag, tag, tag. Tag, tag, tag. And who's me again? I'm you in that I slow it down and then unwanted advice comes my way. You get the, oh, we can fix Ari? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm like what great fine that same as you we're like I'm not looking to quit drinking I'm having a really good time. You're gonna have withdrawals. I'm not even gonna quit. What are you talking about? You're like I want to take a day off and everyone's like let's get you the hospital So do you think we'll ever do sober October again? We should I got a new special out That'd be a good excuse to come do one. Yeah, but can I be Joe you can be Joe? Let's make him not sit in that seat. Okay. Oh you want to sit in the seat? I want to be Joe

How do you get to be Joe, though? Yeah, how are you going to be him? Because what Joe does that you don't have the capacity to do is not make it all about himself. Hold on. Fuck off. No, hold on. There's a clip. No, hold on. Fuck you. Fuck you. There's got to be a clip out there of you not interrupting. No. I'm not interrupting. I'm having a fucking conversation. Yeah, okay.

That's how conversations fucking work. I agree. Yeah. And, and, and sometimes I'll say, if you said, uh, the dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, and then I go, God, that's crazy. I would never be able to do that. And then, cause Joe's done that. He goes, don't make it about you. I go, but that's how life works. I think of things and I go, that's amazing. I could never run 25 miles. Yeah. You know, like I can never run 50 miles, but,

But I'll be Joe. I won't make anything about myself. We'll put Joe in my seat. I don't think we sit in the same seats there, do we? I'm not sure. We always sit in the same seat when we do it. I'm going to a different seat next time. I'm going to put on a costume. I'm going to go in a different seat. And I'm going to put in earplugs so I don't interrupt anybody. Earplugs. Yeah, that won't do it. It starts now. Maybe a muzzle. You guys got to have a fucking ball gag here. Yeah, we do. That'd be cool. That'd be really fun for me.

Would you get friends around you run the show how would it be different? What would you do? Yeah, you would just be like welcome to the experience Yeah, welcome to the bird experience the bird experience. I'm here my three favorite people That's pretty good and I start and I go obviously Joe Rogan. He's like a big brother to me I can't wait to get some great life advice from him I got Tom Segura here one of my best friends in the world and obviously a guy I can't live without Ari Shaffir guys welcome to the podcast Wow would anyone like a joint?

Wow, that's a good start. You're crushing it. You're doing great. And then I'll go, I'm so sorry, I wasn't listening. Will you say that one more time? I'll do that a lot. Okay, and then what's the first conversation? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Say that one more time. You should just be listening. I'll just be like, I was listening, and I think that's a great point. I will be like, I'll be definitely, I'm going to be Joe-centric. I want Joe to be the star of the show. Great. Yeah, because it's my show. I want him to really shine.

First, okay, watch this. I talk about bow hunting right away, and I wouldn't once tell them how good I am. Just us. I know you guys will have to bring it up. All right. Okay, we'll help you. Hey, man, have you seen Bert shoot a bow and arrow? Tom, keep it on Joe. Oh, sorry, sorry. No, we got to be more, we got to be like, we got to be like, oh, does this look like a bow to you guys?

Just something I was thinking about. Does anyone at this table know anything about archery? Yeah. Just like that? Kind of lob it up? Hey, it's Christmas. Did you guys hide bows on your presents? Speaking of bows. Oh, what? You ever shot a bow and arrow? That's crazy. Yeah, it is crazy.

I have a target set up in my backyard. I got a compound bow from Cam Haynes. I'm fucking obsessed with it and I really want to go bow hunting now. Except for carrying the meat out is the part that I just... Just leave it. Just leave it, dude. How much of your life has lived to get Joe Rogan to say, I'm finally proud of you? It's a higher percentage than he wants to say.

I'm gonna get so fucking real. Oh boy, tears are here. No, no, no, I don't cry anymore. Oh, I definitely wouldn't cry when I did. There is a part of me that I'm uncomfortable with how much accurate that statement is. I look up to him so much like as a big brother, because I never had a big brother. And like his advice he gave me in stand-up when I was at my lowest was so pivotal in getting me to where I am today that like,

When I catch good clips that he says nice things about me, it makes me happier than it should make me. Yeah. It's like when a black guy says, good job. Or nice shoes. Four to one. When a black guy's like, dude, I like your shoes. No, true. I think there's a scale of black compliments. Yeah. There's a black guy complimenting your outfit overall. That's fresh sun is like, oh. And if he specifies your kicks, that's a pretty...

And then. If you liked your stand up. Well, I was saying, if a black guy tells you you're funny, it's just. Dude, that's like. It's way higher. I was with Mike Cannon. We were doing a casino gig and we were just like bolting through the halls to get to the, to get to somebody to eat. We're like, oh, thanks, thanks. Trying to get like just a week. And then we're just not stopping at all. And then one black guy was like, hey man, I was at your show. I was like, hey, thanks man. I really appreciate it. That's really cool of you. It's four to one minimum. So there's that one. Then there's, oh, complimenting your athleticism.

That's... I've never gotten... Oh, my God. That's really high on the scale. Like, if they just go, man, oh, you got ups. Something, like, casual. You're, like... Crazy. Like, pickup game and something. Like, yeah, that's... And then, I guess, talking about your... Like, saying you have a nice dick...

That one's really high. And then... Look at the piece on him. Yeah. Tommy, take it out of her mouth. Show everyone. Yeah. And then the only thing better is if they suck it. That's the fucking best. It's so strong. So athletic. I had the best...

Getting recognized I've ever had in my life and I Peters in the other room what I'm saying is 100% true Yeah, so we're in Vegas Isla brings her boyfriend to Vegas. He's never had in and out So Sunday morning everyone's leaving at like noon I raced in and out at 10:00 in the morning to go get in and out for everyone in our party Right my parents everyone

As we pull up in the Uber, we tell the guy to wait for us. And there is a black man and a black woman. They're dressed and it looks like they work together. They look like they worked at In-N-Out. We thought they were the greeters. But they're screaming at the top of their lungs. Get the fuck out of here. What the fuck I said? Bitch, I'm on your team. I'll fucking smack you. I mean, the most, I swear to God, I'm not understanding this. If Peter walked in right now, he would nod. They were doing that In-N-Out? Outside the In-N-Out at the front door. That's McDonald's shit. To have to get into In-N-Out, you have to walk outside.

legit through this argument and as we walk through the argument he said motherfucker woman god damn it burt kreischer holy shit you funny as fuck got me up and he goes i was like yeah thanks and he's like i walked in he goes i said bitch it was the fucking funniest interaction i've ever had in my fucking life it's good it's high up there yeah recognition is yeah

- A Joe Rogan compliment is better than a regular compliment. If it's about like stand up or bow, I'm sure bow hunting. - No, stand up or like, stand up is a big one. Business stuff, like if he ever says like, dude, you're like, I remember him complimenting Tommy to me one time and he was like, dude, can you believe what Tom's doing? - The weight loss you mean? - No.

Because you knew you couldn't believe that. No, I couldn't. But I was like, oh, I should tell Tommy this. This is a really sweet compliment that he gave to Tommy through me. He was like, dude, he's just killing it. At the same time, he was like, we were at the back at the store and he was like, you need to get a Netflix special. And I was like, I don't know how to do that. He's like, be undeniable. And I was like, what does that mean? He's like, just be undeniable. That's Schultz's new podcast.

I don't know. It just sounds like something I could say. I wrote it in my joke book and I was like, just be undeniable. And then you start, when you see, when you're undeniable on stage and you just crush all the time and people don't want to follow you, then you're like, oh, that's what that is. But yeah, the one compliment that took a long time to get from Joe was the marathon.

Congrats for doing it. Thank you. Oh, right. No, that. Yeah. I told you I was rubbing it in. I was trolling him. We were in a car with, who's the guy with the shitty feet? Yeah, Cam Haines. And I was like, so I think Joe was in the middle, Cam was in the front. And I was like, oh, let me find, because I know he wasn't. I was like, hey, Cam, what do you think about Bert's marathon? And he goes, dude, that's great. That's like a legit hard thing to do. That's so good. I was like, yeah.

I texted Joe the other day because I'm in Austin and I'm having to work out bench for this bet I have. And so I texted him and I was like, hey, can you hook me up at Onyx? What's the bet? That I can bench 315 by January 1st. What are you at? I did 295 twice today. Damn. Yeah. Clean. Like clean. Nothing. Just by myself. And so I did 270. Is it hard for you to bench without a buffet on it? Sorry. Word for word.

And so I texted Joe and I was like, I was like, I was like, Hey, can I get, can I, can you help me get in it on it? Maybe reach out to Aubrey. I need to, I need a bench.

And then, like an idiot, I go, I'm going to bench press bet for 315. And as I hit send, I was like, I didn't need to include that second part. Because I know Joe in his head is like, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing a bench press bet? You're going to hurt yourself. I could hear him. You're going to hurt yourself. Yeah. What did he say? He went, sure. So Aubrey hit me up, and then I worked out on it today. It's fucking – I mean, on it is –

I mean, there are so many beautiful people there. Everyone. And no, like, you'd think they'd be all influence-y and videotaping themselves. They're not. It's like just fucking people really working out. They're super fit. Yes. Dude, a guy, Tommy, a guy was doing deadlifts, but he was doing them with the bar in his arm like this, and he'd reach...

All the way down. I mean like he bent all the way down So the bars here in his bicep and it would touch the ground he'd bend over all the way I've never seen anyone do something like this. I was like what the fuck I love a rocky workout, you know rocky not a front. No, it was a bent It was a dead or whatever called is the color Zerger squat. It was a deadlift where his body bent like this Tom and

all the way down and the bar, the weights touch the ground and he took it all the way up. It is, it is, no, it was a, it was a deadlift. Deadlift. It was fucking crazy. What's a deadlift? Like this? No, when you bend over and pick it up, stand up and then bend over and pick it up. Yeah.

Hmm. I've never seen someone no no no no, but that is it. He's doing it. No, but he's doing top top right? He was going like this. He was going like this, but isn't that that image right all back And he could touch the ground and come all the way up all back. That's the what was that a bad angle That seems nuts to do that it's very crazy yeah

So did you see that guy's cock? Oh, yeah. The shooter? So wait, okay. Are you pro-murdering CEOs? I mean, I like mayhem. So, yeah, not specifically that. Yeah, you're one of the first people. Yeah, I was like, Ari's into this. I was pissed about it because it shows this video and it shows graphic content and then the guy passes, he pulls the gun, and then the video stops. It stops, yeah. You're like, where's the fucking graphic content? You can watch it. You can't use the word graphic content willy-nilly like that. I know. I don't think I've ever thought

If I was to assassinate someone, I think I'd want them to see me. Well, if you don't want to get caught. That guy didn't want to get caught. Also, he didn't know the camera was there, right? No. Well, he was all covered up. Yeah, he was covered up. But no, if you kill someone, don't you want to do it right in their face? I don't want to do it behind them. Well, the guy did turn around and definitely saw him, but he saw a masked guy. After he fell? When you see the footage, yeah, he...

Turns and goes, oh, who is this? It bums me out that the internet loves that this guy got murdered. Yeah, they don't know anything about him. They just go, yeah, good. And you're like, he's got kids. I mean, I don't know if he has kids. He does. He has kids. He has kids. He also came from a real working class background and, you know. Became a CEO. But the internet loves this. Why did he kill him?

Because he basically thinks that... Well, he uses the guy as a symbol for healthcare in America and how callous and careless and hopeless. I have that healthcare. It's been annoying going to three different doctors and going, no, no, you're on a specific plan that you're going to cover this. But I called before. Like, yeah, but now we see your card. Yeah, but a lot of it, too, was about how so many people are put in... Your claim's denied. Oh, yeah. And they need...

life-saving sometimes care. - I was talking to Bobby Kelly in Havana, where he was like, "Say whatever you want, but American healthcare is the best in the world." And I was like, "What are you talking about?" - Well, we're capable. So people who have free healthcare, a lot of times, if they're of means,

A lot of times they don't talk about in Canada, parts of Europe, where they go, it's on the house here. There's still year plus long waits for certain procedures. So people of means there will fly over. But these people are writing checks. They're people who can afford to go, I want to go to the Mayo Clinic. Here you go. So they're not going through insurance in that position. Oh, okay. Can I ask a question?

- Can I ask a crazy question? You can unanswer it if you want. But I don't know how private you wanna be about this. But when Push got cancer, do you have to do like the, do you just go, like how does that work? Do you have to like wait and stuff? - I'll answer this one. So what she did was-- - Or can you pay extra money and go, we need this taken care of today by the best guy. Can you do that?

Well, I don't know. I mean, we have insurance and it was just a matter of like being diagnosed and, you know, we want to see this doctor. Our plan allowed us to see this doctor. And then the appointment was like within days. It was... This is a very ignorant question. If you have more money...

Guess you have better health care. Do we all have the same health care? You can get private stuff done. Yeah, I mean like have it through a Large insurance company. Yeah, I think we do too. Yeah mental health anything they offer you is is pretty shitty and the really good ones are like I don't take insurance you have to pay for that or get right in a paper. Really? Yeah, okay

Yeah, I mean, it could have. I mean, the benefit we have, obviously, is like if somebody had been like, we're not going to do this, I could have come out of pocket for it. But a lot of people aren't in that position, you know, so. I just had the same kidney infection for fucking three times now for the past three fucking weeks.

And it's been a pain in the ass, but it's doctors going like, eh, whatever. They're not taking it serious. And then the doctor we saw today was like, this is bullshit. She needs to be on intravenous whatever. Yeah. Antibiotics. The biggest mindfuck to me is to realize not every doctor is good. Yeah.

Yeah, that's because you grew up trusting all of them. All doctors, too, like they're doing it and they're just better and worse. We put them in a special platform where just like all doctors are inherently wonderful people that are here to take care of us. Hey, if you're in med school right now and you're listening to this podcast, you need to drop out. You should not be listening to our podcast if you're in med school. You need to drop the fuck out and travel through South America. Get the fuck out of med school. If you're listening, what other occupations should not be listening to this podcast that we can maybe help? Priest? Priest?

If you're a priest. Yeah, religious leader of any kind. Just come out of the closet, dude. It's not worth it. It's not good for priests. What's an inherently good or seemingly inherently good track to take in your professional life besides medicine? Medicine's like the ultimate.

Lawyer medicine that's what our people we always we Accept that a lawyer can be a piece of shit. We almost expect them to doctors are never crooked lawyers always crooked. Yeah, Dennis - Fucking Dennis and car fucking people to fix cars. I always think are crooked I found this out with Dennis you could like hates your church barely ever covers it half tops and like it's as much you could offer them less and

You'd be like, I don't have that. Can I give you like $300? Really? Yeah, all right. It's just going to them. If they're like, I'm not full tomorrow. Anyway, sure, it's a free $300. If you're like, I actually can't afford $1,000. I learned that with veterinary care. If you have a sick animal, like 12 years ago. That dog? Yeah, they were like, it's like a... Possible? Yeah, yeah. We were like, this dog. We had him for like a week.

And he had this horrible life threat. And they put him in a thing. They're like, it's $1,000 a day. And so we did it for a couple days. And I was like, hey, I can't just keep doing $1,000 a day. And they're like, well, what can you do? I was like, I don't know, a couple hundred. And they're like, OK. It just shifted to that. Was that always available? They were just like, yeah, fine. Can I get that other $1,000 back? Yeah. That one you gave us. Oh, OK. Yeah. And then they kept him there on $200 a day. Wow. Dude, we had a fucking hack.

fucking do leg surgeries on Priscilla. Priscilla had five knee surgeries. Jesus. And on like one of them, they went in and they're like, oh, he left all this in there. Like all the wires. No wonder she couldn't walk. And we were like, what the? And you just think, because they sound confident, they know what the fuck they're doing. If you tell like Eastern European people that you have surgery for your dog, they just laugh. You know that? We were at the...

a party one time was talking about and he was like this guy was like you wait you do what for your dog and we're like yeah the surgery like surgery like

No, you just put the dog outside. You shoot it in the head. Dude, I was in Columbia at Spanish school and we were talking about perros and whatever. And somebody was like, so where are your dogs? This Venezuelan refugee who's teaching us Spanish in Columbia. And everyone's like, mine's with my sister. I was like, okay, hermana. Or whatever. And then one of the guys was like, mine's at a doggy resort, doggy hotel. And then the lady's like...

no, I think you're using the wrong word. And we're all like, what do you mean by that? Because it's like a kind of a resort for dogs with a lot of acreage and she's just like, my father was killed. Yeah. You have a resort for your dog. They can't even conceive of it. All right, I guess I'm teaching this class.

Tip better be good. Oh, my God. You ever gas up an Uber driver? What do you mean? Just be like, yeah, man, fucking women drivers. And he's like, no, buddy, you have no fucking idea.

And then my wife's in the car, and I'm just getting this guy worked up. I had a guy get so worked up, an Uber driver, about JFK assassination. And I didn't even ask for it. I didn't even ask for it. That's great. I was just like, I think I was in Nebraska. And he's like, where are you from? And I was like, Austin. He's like, I was just in Dallas.

let me tell you something man zero fucking doubt there's zero fucking doubt CIA and I was like you know what I actually don't need to go that far if you could just pull over he gave me like all that and I was like yeah he goes here's this guy's number if you want to get on the tour he gives me the guy's number I was like cool he laid out everybody involved and I was like you just did this huh he was like 70 it's tough to argue with him cool man

I had one of those way back from Dixie Chicks. We got one of those like cabs. It was just like somebody has like four cars, you know? And so she's a minivan. He was cool. He was like, you guys had fun tonight? He's like, if you want to stop at 7-Eleven, we got beers. You can drink them. We're like, oh, this guy rules. Yeah. The back drive. It's an hour drive. 20 minutes in. He goes, so where do you guys get your news from?

And he just started talking. What do you think about this guy? What do you think about this guy? They're all liberals in the back with me. So they're like, no, I'm a fan of whatever. He goes, oh, boy. I bet you. And then he goes, I'm like, where do you get your news from? He goes, GoogleAlternativeNews.com. And I'm like, wait, Google Alternative News? He goes, no, GoogleAlternativeNews.com.

That's the site, I guess. It's called Google Alternative News. GoogleAlternativeNews.com You know Michelle Obama's a man. And I was like, I've heard that. Whatever. I'm just agreeing with him. I only stopped when he got to Madonna's a man. And I was like, fuck off, dude. That's a sex symbol. No way. Oh, here it is.

This is it. AlternativeNews.com. It's so good. Look how it's built. Like when you're learning HTML. National News, News Target, science, medicine. Oh, let's see some science from AlternativeNews.com. Can you make that bigger? Measles being spread by vaccinated, in all caps, children. Research confirms. Oh, boy. Total corruption. Government regulators relied on industry-funded herbicide studies to declare glyphosate safe.

Weaker in space. Long-duration space light linked to smaller spinal muscles in astronauts. Acupuncture found as effective as nicotine replacement therapy for helping people quit smoking. Okay. Natural. Five-way apple cider vinegar can help give you healthy hair. Bert. How about stupid cops? We're about to get way into apple cider vinegar. Dude, it gives me... Stupid cops? What is that one? French police officers play gun drawing game on each other. Female officer shot dead by her partner who apparently had the faster draw. Apparently.

Wait, they were going like this? They were going like, they were going, let's see who draws faster. The guy just shot and goes, oh, I forgot I wasn't supposed to shoot. Holy shit. What? They don't even get guns. They've never really held one. Oh, yeah. Sign up for there. This is an old story. They're telling this story fucking five years later? They're searching.

Alternative news.com is not what it used to be. It's really not that fucking, by the way, that Michelle man thing, the left, the level of disrespect involved in that story. Can you imagine that you're her? Like, come on, man. Just like what? I,

I was just married to the guy you don't like. I didn't do anything. I'm just a fucking first lady. And they're like, you got a dick. It's like, it's fucking... No, dude, it's so disrespectful. And they're like, look, she's bigger than Ellen. You can see her just stretched out on Photoshop. See, my problem is I do that with all news. Like, I think of all news and I go, sure, whatever. Like, they're saying Jay-Z allegedly is with P. Diddy on some sexual assault of a 13-year-old, allegedly. But I just go...

I look at all that and I go, that can't be real. That can't be real. Nothing can be real like that. Nothing can be real. When LeBron took a day off for personal reasons, and they're like, it's a Diddy thing. Why has he gone to a non-extraditable country? And then he's back the next day. He goes, no, it was my foot. So is Diddy going to jail? He's in jail. He got denied his second bail, and that's when it set in. He's not coming out. He's not coming out. He's at Rikers, dude. Are you serious? Yeah. Okay, I really haven't been following the Diddy stuff. Where's his music been lately, though?

though. I mean, bad boys for life. How about bad boys for a short amount of time? I know, man. I want to hear some of those beats again. So wait, what happens to all his money? You get frozen assets. They freeze them right now. And they also he offered about $50 million bail.

And they were like, no. Why? Because you're gone. He would disappear? Because he's too much of a flight risk, yeah. But to offer up... He offered up, I think, his Bel Air house or Beverly Hills house. And my favorite is that he was like, and my mom's house. So he was like, fuck her. That's how they're like, well, he wouldn't skip out on his mom. Yeah, so... Jesus. They were like, no. Which just shows you that someone's a flight risk, but also...

You probably have some pretty damning evidence to deny that person. I think this is going to put Weinstein and Cosby as like a footnote. Yeah. Hang on. Do you think? And it just goes to, what? Do you think? Because I remember when the Hollywood Me Too was going on. I was like, yo, if this goes to hip hop, fucking houses are going to fall.

Because, I mean, the stories you've heard of trains being run. And, I mean, I've always thought trains are all right. I always thought trains could never be consensual. I was like, trains? What chick's like, my dream is five dudes all fucking me and laughing about me as they high five. I remember when the basketball team at my college did that.

Yeah. For real? Yeah. We had one of those too. Some girl was in the videotape. She was jerking off two guys. One was fucking her and she was yelling, go Terps, go Terps. She transferred. Yeah, it kind of ruins your name on campus a little bit. But like, do you think this, because you see Diddy and right now you go,

I mean, like they say that allegedly Ashton Kutcher is involved. Allegedly Bieber's involved. Allegedly everyone. Everyone's involved. There's videos of Rosie O'Donnell like decade ago, like interviewing people and just going like, making like offhanded jokes about it. Are you serious? Like he's going, like just like they all kind of knew. The way we were with like Harvey Weinstein, we're like, we'd sort of heard, but I didn't. Also like he had the wherewithal to back like,

10 plus years ago being like no phones. Before that became like a thing. - Who did he? - Yeah, so people would go to these yacht parties and Hampton parties and you'd have to turn your phone in. - So smart. - Yeah. - I guess it's not perfect. - It still matters. - I always think the best in the best case scenarios, 'cause I always go, this has gotta be something. Even with Cosby, even with Jared from Subway, your buddy, I always think, I was like, there's no way, there's no way.

Yeah, there's no way. You can't even wrap your head around a real evil. I can't wrap my head around it. Like, no way. Like, really evil people. And you want to be like, he's just like, I don't know. I had pizza with him. You did? Yeah. I thought that's the worst thing he's done. I thought he wasn't a pizza guy. I know, man. I remember. What a betrayal. He lied about that, too. What a betrayal. I thought he only ate subs. I remember. Here's what I remember about Jared. When we got to the set on the first thing, it was June in Jersey as we were shooting the first commercial. It was fucking humid. Super hot.

And they had like a shitty trailer for me. Cause even though I was starring in them with him, I was the new hire. So it was like, and it was like, like, you know, just weak AC. It's like a fucking a hundred degrees. And he had a, he had a fucking like tour bus, you know, like a decked out. And he's like, Hey, if you want, could I see just, you can go in my bus. And I was like, Oh, thanks man. So he went there. I go in there. There's fucking pictures of kids.

Shut up. Shut up. But I hang out in his thing. What are you casting? And then we shot for the day, and then we go back to the city. And we were at the W Hotel. There's like four W Hotels. I remember that in New York. We're at one of them, and he's like, hey, do you want to split a pizza? And I was like, all right.

And he's like, yeah, man, they keep telling me I'm gaining weight. Because the whole thing was like... Can't gain weight. He's like, you know, fucking assholes. Anyways, want to get pizza? I was like, sure, that'll help. So I had a couple slices of pizza. And, you know, he's a terribly...

uncharismatic guy if you remember like he's actually bad as an actor on on film like there's nothing like it's kind of show him holding the old pants that's all yeah and when I'm saying when he had to deliver lines he was always like you know like just kind of the nerd right like if he was an actor he would never get a job right as an actor okay let's play this game who's the most evil person you've ever met you're up there

No, no, I'm joking. Oh, yeah, it might be me. Yeah, it's me. You're right, you're right, it's me. Who's the most evil person? Interesting, that's a good question. Well, he's got to be at the... He's got to be number one. I've never met... I'm trying to think, I've never met... Which I would never... There's the thing, you never... I would never walk away from that meet engagement with him thinking, what an evil guy, right? It's that it's a hidden thing. I grew up with a serial killer.

That's pretty evil. Yeah. Which one? I can't say his name. Why? I don't know, because he killed people and his family still lives around the corner from my family. That's fine. He's in prison for it, right? Just edit it out. He killed hookers on the causeway. Really? Yeah. In Tampa? In Tampa, yeah. Tampa. He'd go, I think you're probably spelling it

Don't know how to spell it we were kids. I don't know but yeah, what's so funny is how many to get hookers? Yeah, my sister called me. She was like yo dot dot dot got caught killing hookers on the causeway when we were kids one time You know like everyone's like yeah, you won't what you guys want to do. What do you want to do? Edit names out only because these people still live in that neighborhood But like he's like you guys want to go in house and cut the crotches out of our underwear I was like what he's like my parents are watching our house I got keys cut the crotches out of their underwear and I was like oh

No. I was like, why? And that's what he wanted to do. He should have let him. Maybe he wouldn't have killed so many hookers. Oh, no. Yeah, that's pretty evil. Yeah, how many did he get? Hookers is, I mean, if you're going to kill, that's who you want to get. That is, because they're not going to put their resources really into it. And nobody misses them right away. No.

I bet hookers have great radar senses of when shit's going south, though. You only fuck up once? I think killing a regular woman would be so much easier than killing a prostitute.

Right because they know when something's yeah, hookers gonna be like back. Oh, there's gonna be like no no no they got boundaries Yeah, regular woman will do like you know that guy who got killed and same prime rhyme with the guys on top of the knife I'd say that's so bad. Yeah, it would be so easy to kill a regular woman

- Well there's that guy that just killed-- - What race would you kill first? - Interesting. I mean, now we shift. Black goes to the bottom of that list. - I'm not even trying. - Okay, I'm like, we're just thinking about this. My first thought is Asian or Indian. - Oh, not Indian. - Why not Indian? - I don't know.

I just, that didn't even register to me. You're not going to consider them? Nope. You won't even put them on the maybes. No. Yeah, but that actually sounds racist. Yeah, why not? No, no, no. I'm not killing them. That's actually a positive thing. But wait, why can't they get their consideration to be killed? Okay, well, I just, I don't know. I'm actually really attracted to Indian women. Okay, well, there's the answer. And so like that, I wouldn't want to kill them because I find them attractive. But a gross one. Like who? Mid one. Like who? Zarna Garg.

Is that a real person? Yeah, she's a comedian. Would you kill somebody like that? If you were going to kill a woman, let's just say you're living out your fantasy. There's Zarnagarg. You wouldn't kill someone who looked like that? Oh, boy. No, I wouldn't kill Zarnagarg. I still think they're fucking hot as shit.

Okay, keep going. Okay. Okay, here's your fantasy. It's to kill a woman. Do you want to see life leave her eyes? Or do you want her to be asleep and just like you hit her in the head with a hammer or something? Do you want to be touching them while they... You want to see it. You want to go... Obviously, this is all hypothetical. I would probably edge it a little bit. Let him back.

That's pretty evil. And then you're one step from a dungeon, buddy. If I'm going to kill one person, I want to kill them a couple times. That's what that guy did. Cleveland? No, Rodney Alcala. He would...

He would do, like, choke them out, and then right before they died, he would let go and have them, like, come back and then do it again. Do you know which one? Do you ever hear the one? Yeah, it's pretty. Do you ever hear the one who's... Way to get all the meat out of the buffalo, though. I know, right? Damn. Do you ever hear the one... Who was the one with the scuba suit, and they thought the girl was lying? He took her to the fucking cabin. It was on Netflix. Oh, yeah, the American Nightmare, yeah. You know what he did a couple times? Is he got in, he almost killed them, and then he stopped and said...

I don't want to do this. I'm really sorry. You need to get a dog and then leave. You need to get a dog to bark. If someone comes, there was, is that not fucking insane? That, that, that comedian, that, uh, that cop that was women, uh,

I think it was either Baton Rouge or Lafayette, maybe Lafayette. He would tell women, when he was done, he'd be like, you know, this window's not secure and you should really have locks and you really should get a better security system for your house. Like as advice. And they were like, cool, thanks. Yeah, one of the guys worked for ADT. Oh, BTK. Yeah, the BTK killer. He worked for ADT? Yeah, he would set up your alarm system.

And he would scope out to, he was like, oh, I'll be back here next week. It was a good one. It's got to be so freeing to be a murderer. Because you don't get angry in traffic. If someone cuts you off, you're like, just going to kill them. I'm going to follow them home and murder them. And be like, I'll get you later. And then if you forget, you go, heck, I got off. But knowing you could is kind of like doing it.

Right. Yeah. Or like some confrontation where someone's like, fuck you, man. And you're just like, well, you don't know how this could go. Like we were in Vegas and we sat down in a couch with the girls near the bar but on a couch.

And I ordered a drink and the lady said, are they 21? And I said, no, she goes, you got to move to that couch. It was five feet over. Well, what? She goes, you got, I can't let you sit here. And I was like, what's the difference? Can they just sit in that couch? And they're like, no, you have to go with them. You're a parent. And I was like, so you're going to get up and walk five feet for some arbitrary rule in some magic line that I can't see. You can't see. No cop's going to see. She's like, sir.

Wait, and you wanted to kill her? Did I tell you about it? Wait, you wanted to kill this lady? Hold on. I got a better one. I got a better one. I got a better one. I want that one. Hold on. I got this better one. We really got to come back to that one. Tommy, did I tell you about the lady that wouldn't serve me at the airport? No. This is when you're thinking of serial killers right now. This is when. Oh, you could just take care of her. When you're a serial killer, you don't get upset because you just go, I'll be back. Yeah. Right? What's your shift end? I get off. Yeah. I get off.

Oh, so fucking angry. And this goes back to Brianna Chicken Fried. I don't... Say her name. Say her name. Say her name. Yeah.

Okay. I get off the plane in Nashville. I get a celebratory beer because I made it. I'm alive. Wait, you do a beer when you land? Let's not nitpick this story. Yes. Wait. When I land, I get a beer off the plane. At the terminal. Yes. And I'll walk you through why this is the greatest thing you'll ever think. This is a life hack. I have not. I usually get gone. Yeah. Well, you like to sit and wait for your bag? Because I don't. I like to have a beer and let my bag come down and walk down. When the sky cap's like, I'm putting this up, I go, hey man, that's mine. He goes, oh, where were you? I go, taking my time.

I live my life. I drive my ship through the sea, and I pick what wave I want to crash through. Now, that's Winston Churchill. Fuck yeah. That's it.

I picked the waves. Full speed. Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead. So I get off the plane. I go to get a celebratory beer. And Pete's with me. And I said, yeah, can we get, do you have Stella? She goes, no. And I went, okay. Well, Pete's with me. And Pete's like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. Can you grab me a beer? No offer of what else they have? I said, she goes, no. And I said. I already hate her. And so I said, well, do you have any like, any like.

Stella-esque she goes yeah, I said great. I'll get two of those she goes I can only serve you one and I said well don't my buddy just went to the bathroom it I go I just never mind I'll just take one and then she goes okay, and then I go you know he's gonna be back in a second so you might want to just start pouring too he's The guy you just saw and she goes I can only serve you one and I went okay and so she goes I need to see your ID and I was like

I'm looking around. Now, what happens here, a little outside part of the story, everyone at the bar recognizes me. Every single person at that bar is a dude who drinks who's probably heard me say never quit drinking and they're all recognizing me and they're coming over and getting pictures. Now, part of me likes this interaction because she knows whatever instance, whatever's happening is going to be okay. I'm a normal person. I give her my ID. She

She hands back my ID and then she gives me a little sip of beer. Pete arrives at this moment. A little sip of beer. And I go, what's this? And she goes, this is what we have that's like Stella. I said, oh no, it's fine. I'll just take two of those. And she goes, you know what? I'm not comfortable serving you. What? And I went, excuse me? And now everyone stops. She goes, I'm not comfortable serving you. You make me uncomfortable. Now...

You can go to the Brianna Chicken Fry where you go out and you tell everyone in the world or you can do the take the money and shut the fuck up. So what I did, and I was not proud of this, I'm not proud of this and I wish I didn't do it. I wish I could go back and change life.

As I said, I apologize if I made you uncomfortable anyway. I have two daughters that are roughly your age. I would never want a man to make them feel uncomfortable. I'll go on my way. And I tipped her 20 bucks. And she went, excuse me? I said, here's $20 for your trouble. I apologize. And I walked away. I was up at night screaming at the fucking pillow going, you fucking, you fucking. Because that's what I wanted to do. Sure, but you took the high road. I took the high road, but the high road sucks dick. It sucks. It sucks. Now here's her night.

She's talking to some guy. Is she attractive or not so much? Nah. Okay. She's talking to some guy or a friend. She goes, how was work today? He was like, it was fine, but I came in. I've never played it as well. I just said, fuck off. I'm not giving you beer. And he just gave me 20 bucks. Do you know what she said? What? This is even better. This is even better. Do you know? Everyone at the bar watched this happen. Everyone at the bar was like, what the fuck? I walked away.

This is what upset me the most is that she was, someone goes, do you know who you just did that to? And they go, who? And she goes, that's Burt Kreiser. Then she Googles me and then she's got her own narrative because she's a, she's a, he was a total asshole. I was a total asshole. I was all the good stuff I did. None of that counts because she gets to tell her story. I was so angry. Do you think though that when, when the part where she goes, you make me uncomfortable is it's probably when you were like, he's just went to the bathroom. He's going to be right here. I didn't even say it like that. Tommy, I swear to God, my energy was like, what?

Like more confused. - So was it that you got loud? - I didn't get loud at all. What was happening was dudes were recognizing me and they were getting, and she was like, I think the energy changed in the bar when I showed up and she couldn't fucking place it, didn't know who I was, but I, and I had two instances where that happened. I've had this where I took the high road and I said, I mean, and I just didn't say what I wanted to fucking say. - Yeah, it'd be so nice to Patrice it and just be like, fuck you.

Get me your manager. You suck. Yeah. I didn't do shit to you. Was anyone else working that bar?

No. No. And I know what gate it is and I know that bar in Nashville and I can't wait to go back. They're not. The thing is they know all these people are temporary customers. You're not going to be back. There's there's it and there's he's actually going back soon. Yeah. He really is. New Year's Eve. I'll be there. I'm going to stop and I'm taking the same fucking flight from L.A. and that same bar is going to be right there when I get I hope she'll serve you right back. I hope she says I'm still not comfortable. And you know what? I'm going to tip her a hundred dollars.

I'm gonna tip her $100 and I'm gonna start crying and I'm gonna make her uncomfortable and I'm gonna say you're the one that hit my mom.

That's a good one. You're the drunk driver that killed my mother. Really embarrassed her at work. Yeah. That's not bad. Oh, my God. Get into it. You were grooming my nephew. You hit my mother and killed her. Oh, my God. I'm going to fucking ruin her life. You're the one. It just feels so much. Like you recognize a Nazi from 80 years ago? Yeah. You're like, get you. Leanne, Leanne. The whole village. We went to a. You should do it. I can't get into this. I went to a. I think I texted you. I went to a liberal party one time. Like a real liberal. Everyone's wearing masks outside and everything. Oh, nice. And I got in trouble for putting my hand in the ice.

Who yelled at you? Dude with a mask. Was like, don't touch it. What are you doing? And I was like, I'm getting ice. And he's like, with your hand? They make tongs for that. And I was like... Nothing to do with the mask. Just a separate, don't do that. And I was like, I'm not going to go into someone's house and look for fucking tongs to get ice that we just slammed on the fucking ground to break it up. You're out of your fucking mind. Yeah. And...

He scolded you? That's crazy. You talk privately about a guy. To confront them is nuts. What are you doing? I was like, I'm getting... I was really confused. Serial killer doesn't have to worry about that. I'll follow you. Serial killer goes, I really fucked up. You know what? I'll make sure to bring tongs tonight. And then you wake him up just going... Hey, do you remember me? I can't find your ice. You can't get it because you're tied up, but I want your ice. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Joe, I'm sorry. I ruined Sober October. You didn't really ruin it. We just stopped. Everybody got busy and then we didn't do it. This episode hit a lot of notes. It did hit a lot of notes. I love you guys. America's Sweetheart premieres January 14th on Netflix. One week, everybody. Set your calendars or whatever. That's right. Set it up right now. And you can see Ari Shafir on tour. Do you think I could protect your parks if I wore sunglasses? No. But we could...

This was fun. This reminded me of those. It's just fun. It's fun. We weren't even drinking. It was just fun. It was a good time. No smoking, no drinking. Thanks for coming, dude. Guys, thanks for having me. Hey, congratulations. Congrats on the special. Thank you, guys. Awesome. We'll see you guys next week. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call...

Two bears, one cave.