Ever Been Knocked Out? w/ Brian Simpson | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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100% We are rolling. We're here. Bertrand is in Austin. And joining us today, we're very excited, is one of our absolute favorite comics, one of the best comics working today. You can see his new special that's been out. It's called Live from the Mothership. It's on Netflix. Oh, it's so fucking good. It's Brian Simpson, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Listen to that round of applause. Yeah, it's awesome. Do you remember the first time you met me?

No. I do. Wait a minute. Well, you remember the first time you met me? Yes. Okay, yeah. Because I didn't like you. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't know that. Well, no, because it's you. And I know now that I know you, I just know that you're not like this fucking sparkle razzle dazzle guy. You're like a high. Oh, yeah, man. I mean, look, I'm definitely, I'm probably neurodivergent in some way. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

I ain't gonna say autistic, but like, it's something. I just, my interactions be real clinical. Yeah. You know? Because I mind my business. You know, like the first time I met Joe was with Tom, right? Remember the main room and the green room? Yeah. And they start, they got to talking and I put my headphones on. Woo!

Because I was like, oh, what they're talking about ain't none of my business. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Because it was secret time. You feel me? Yeah. And it's like, if whatever they're talking about get out, I don't want them to be like, you know what, that little nigga's sitting over there. So I just put my headphones on. Dude, I love the way your mind works. Yeah, but to other people, that looks like rude, right? I get it. Why are you sitting here with your headphones on like some kind of weirdo? Because you never think of someone's perspective being like that. Right.

Yeah, but the way you socialize, see, I relate to the way you socialize a lot. You guys are so fucking similar. Ridiculous. Bro, honestly, so often Tom and I will have the same exact angle on something. Yeah. Really? That we've never spoken about. Yeah. It's nuts. Yeah, but the first time I saw him, I was like...

Yeah, he was one of the people that I... I was like, this guy's really funny. And I told people right away. I was like, you got to see this guy. I've heard you on that, Two Bears. I was in certain... No, no. I was in LA. I was in LA at the time. It was right around the pandemic, I think. Yeah, it was a few years ago. And...

And you had never heard of me. You met me. You never heard of me. And then you did two bears. I was like, he still never heard of me. And then he never. And then throughout the whole thing, you brought me up once and he just went past. He was like, yeah, whatever. And then I tried to become friends again. And I was like, hey, does Brian have a big head? Cause I have size eight head. I have a lot of hats I can give him. And you just were like, I don't think he'd be interested. And I was like, how fucking hard do I got to try to get these guys to fuck with me?

No, no, no. I'll fuck with you, bro. You know what I'm saying? I'll always be grateful for both of y'all because, you know, especially, well, you, Tom, and Christina, because, you know, Tom and Christina went out of their way to help me when like, no, there was nothing, you know, they got nothing out of it, you know? This is the best time to help somebody. I know, but it was like,

That doesn't happen often, or it wasn't happening often at the time, you know? So they just helped me for no reason other than I was funny. It's weird, because like, okay, there's people I've helped in their career that have said to me, hey, thank you very much. But then sometimes, like, do you ever feel like it's still not enough? Where you go like, I kind of need you to say that a little more often. I was totally thinking the opposite when you said that.

Because this is like, Bert has such, oh my God, it's such an interesting peek into someone's psyche. First of all, he's like, you start from the beginning. He goes, do you remember when you met me? Most people don't say that. Right, right, right. He's like, what are your memories of meeting me? And then, then he's like,

I tried to get you to like me. I don't like that I didn't feel it right away. And now he's talking about essentially being like a charitable person and being like, yeah, I need a little more fucking feedback. You know what it is, though? It's like you have to remember...

that most shit ain't really about you. That's very true. Because you can have a lot of animosity when you make shit that's about you. Yes. Because it felt like a slight, but it wasn't even about you at all. You know what I mean? So I just don't be thinking about it. I'm so oblivious to certain shit. But you seem like, when you say this stuff, one of the things is I always think that you're super funny, but you also seem like...

wise beyond your years. You have a very healthy perspective on things. And I think what you're saying right now, that's what they teach you in self-help books. Yeah, well, I'm good at saying wise shit, but I don't be living by it. No? Okay, good. That's why you're a good comic. I'm more any than...

than uh you know socrates uh-huh you know i'll be out here doing dumb shit it's like it's like it's even it's even worse for me because people would be expecting me to make wise decisions yeah you bought what yeah yeah what you love you love gadgets and shit man too much what's like some of the because i bet you have shit that like all of us hear about right you actually go and get it yeah i have a

I'm making the gaming now, right? So I have a super ultra wide 53 inch Samsung model. It's like a curved joint. So you feel like you in a cockpit. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's the, that's probably my,

Your indulgence? Yeah. And you have like Oculus and all, like you have VR headsets. I got all that shit. And I don't even use most of the shit sometimes. You got me to buy Oculus. Oculus was dope, right? Do you remember you came over to my house and you're like, can I show you something you're going to really love? And I was like, yeah. How is this? It's pretty good. It's actually really good. I'm surprised. You can get these in the gas stations in here in Texas. And they are, it's like a michelada.

Yeah. What, the seasoning is in the cup? It's on the rim there. You're supposed to pour the whole thing in, but I have high blood pressure, so I was like, I'm not going to pour the whole thing in. I'm going to fuck with it. Right here. I'm going to fuck with it. Here, you want to open it for him? Yeah, yeah. But yeah, you put me on Oculus, and I immediately, that day, I bought one. And then Isla and I were at the beach, and we were going fucking, I mean, it was wild. You could go scuba diving, and it felt like scuba diving. Oh, yeah, that shit's crazy. I was scuba diving, and I was holding my breath.

Like, I was holding my fucking breath. And then you can go, we went on a balloon ride, a hot air balloon ride. Have you ever been on a hot air balloon, Brian? No. Do you have any interest in doing a hot air balloon ride? Yeah, I'll do that. Do you do roller coasters and shit, too? Oh, yeah. I love roller coasters. For real? Oh, my God. Yeah, hell yeah. Like, what's your favorite roller coaster? We should do a travel show where we go fucking ride all the top ones in the fucking country. He's done that show. Oh, right. Yeah. Right.

You'd be shocked how unfulfilling that is. He also told me that there is a disproportionate amount of neurodivergent people that love them. Right, like trains? Yeah, trains and roller coasters. It's the craziest thing. Autistic kids love roller coasters. I fucking love it, dude. I love it. They like getting locked in and being on the track. Dude, in fact, I had a homie that...

he was in the Marine Corps with me I hadn't seen him in a long time and it was his it was his daughter's birthday and they were coming to they were going to what's near LA is it Six Flags Six Flags Magic Mountain so he was taking his daughter to Six Flags for her birthday

but he hadn't seen me in a long time. And it was also my birthday. So he was like, yo, come through the Six Flags, let's hang with the family. And so him and his wife was doing this thing where they split up with the kids, you know, and so it just happened to be the configuration was his daughter, his youngest daughter wanted to ride the teacup so she can't get on the big ride. So he took her so he could have some daddy, one-on-one daddy time with the daughter. But the teenager whose birthday it was, it was me, her, and her mother. And we were waiting on the, what the,

What the fuck is the name of that roller coaster? Superman. The X, no, no. No, X. The X something. X is the one over in the corner with the X2. Yeah, the X2. The X2 is crazy time. You can't even tell what direction you're going sometimes, right? Yeah. And the wait was like two and a half hours. And it was spraying all that shit. And we got close to the front. Flames come up. It's wild. Yeah. We get close to the front of the line. And the daughter gets scared.

And cause I, cause I'm, I'm hearing shit. So there's, there's the other thing I hear. I'm, I'm, I look like I'm not paying attention, but I'll be here. I'll be picking up on shit. So I picked up on the fact that the daughter was whispering to the mother that like, she, she didn't want to get on it. So, so, but then the mother came up to me and acted like she was sick.

because she didn't want me to blame the daughter for it. And she was like, yeah, so I ain't feeling well, so I'm going to go ahead and get out of line. But she said it in such a way where she expected all of us to get out of line. And I was like, okay, I'm going to be here, bitch. I'm about to get on this roller coaster. Two times. Yeah, like, this ain't my kids. You know what I mean?

So I got on that motherfucker, man. And they never did. They was waiting for me when I got on. Oh, it's a while. And I'm getting back on. I'm getting back in line. I did roller coasters a bunch as a kid. Why don't you stop?

I mean, just, I don't know, man. I feel like your boys, wow, they'll love a roller coaster. Nah, what they do is they talk mad shit and then they get up front and they're like, what's up? This seems fucking dangerous. Yeah, they fucking, they totally tap out. We took them to fucking Disneyland. I was like, what do you guys want to do? They're like, the teacups. Oh,

Oh, man. We got on the teacups. And then we had to get, we got them on other rides, but they were like, I don't know about this. It's dark in here. Like, they were panicking. I love the danger. Like, I love it when, you ever get on a roller coaster and you get to a certain part and you're like, damn, if my arm was sticking out a little more, I would have lost an arm. Always. It's called, there's a term for it.

It's called proximity thrill. I think there's an exact term for it where they get things so close that you feel like it's going to hit you. Yeah. And there's a lot of things. Space Mountain, which is like, you know, there's a lot crazier roller coasters, but the fact that it's dark in there so you don't see what's happening, the whole time you're like, I'm going to get decapitated. That's what you just keep thinking the whole time you're there because you feel that it's right above your head and you can't see it. But the whole time you actually feel like you're going to lose a limb. Yeah.

I know so much about stupid fucking roller coasters. Like I have so many terms in my head. Like I could tell you how much they paid for X2. I had to interview the guy who built it. It's crazy. But my favorite ride at Magic Mountain is Superman.

Superman, it is a straight. It's fantastic. It's like, it was the air compression ride that shoots you up and then you get a moment of free fall and then you come back down. You get a moment of weightlessness and then you get a moment of free fall. So the top roller coaster in the world is one of those. What are you talking about? Top roller coaster. So they go back and forth between the one in. Top Thrill Dragster and Cedar Point. And the one in China. Okay.

It's in another country. No, there's another one. There's another one in New Jersey. The drag something. Right, in Jersey. It's at the Busch Gardens, right? No, in Jersey at Six Flags. Six Flags, okay, yeah. And that's the taller one of the two. And it is fucking crazy. You want to hear it. I mean, listen, I could tell Roller Coaster's choice for our...

The top throw dragster you can find this footage you can find this footage and you'll be blown away I got something called a rollback So it's a ride that takes off and I think I think you could take off like 86 miles an hour You just take off flying and then it shoots you've up 560 feet and then type in top trot Bert the Conqueror top thrill dragster rollback

And it shoots you up over the thing, goes real slow at the top, and then you drop down the other side. Well, it's an air compression ride. So if you wait too long, the air starts leaking out, and it doesn't have what it needs to take to shoot you up over the top. And so I got to the top, and mine fucking stalled, and it got stuck. And I started losing my shit because I didn't want to be stuck at 510 feet in the air. And we rolled backwards. Scroll forward, scroll forward, scroll and scroll, if possible.

This is... Yeah, keep going. Yeah. Okay, you ready? Watch. We go up to the... Oh, no, go back. Go back a little bit. You missed it. Okay. This is me going forward. Okay. And then we get up to the top. And then it fucking stops. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

And we rolled backwards I didn't know that you can roll backwards. They sent us up again. It happened three fucking times So what happened three fucking time? Why is this happening? I was so mad. I was so fucking mad. It's somebody making a mistake Was this some shit happens to me really crying there? I was really crying Yeah, I cried a bunch on this show so it's the time period they have when they load the ride and

They load the ride. You're so skinny. I know. I've trimmed my beard differently then, too. If they filled up with, say, 1,000 units of air to compress it, but as you wait, all of a sudden that air starts leaking out. And if they don't have the proper amount to push you over the top, you roll back. I rolled back three times. They only show one, I think, on this, but I rolled back three fucking times. Wow. And I was fucking livid. Bro, you are fascinating. You have an encyclopedic knowledge of yourself.

Yeah. You ever know that? Like, he knows everything about himself. I wish I had that level of self... Enjoyment?

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Yeah. I'm a big fan of mine. You're a Burt's Burt. I love me. I love me some me. Wasn't that Trell Owens thing? Yeah. I love me some me. Do you ever have to pump yourself up? Do you ever deal with depression? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. But I don't know if it's depression, depression. It's more like just anxiety and like-

kind of like a sense of doubt of like of like i like i find myself annoying as fuck like sometimes i'll listen to myself if i hear my voice i go i fucking hate the sound of my voice and i and i'll listen to two bears sometimes and then i'll go like why the fuck are you let tommy talk like i don't drive me nuts but i can't help at the moment are you do you ever do that while it's happening no see i do like sometimes i'm like stop talking be quiet shut the fuck up and i can't stop

I do it to a high degree. Really? Yeah, where I completely shut down. You know what I mean? The voice you're talking about where it's like, don't talk right now, I'll just be in a group and I'll be like, don't talk.

And then to the point where someone will be like, is everything okay? And I'm like, yeah. Yeah. But that's the problem with me is that when I'm always in such a good mood and I'm always talkative that when I stopped talking, everyone thinks something's wrong with me. Like there was a period of time when we were doing Rogan, when we were doing like sober October things where I actually was like, just stop talking. Like don't, every time you say something, it seems to be either made fun of or it pisses Joe off. And there was, I remember one episode where you guys are three talking and I didn't talk for like

There's got to be a clock. I'm sure it was probably 10 minutes. I didn't talk for like 20 minutes. And I just sat there silent. And Joe goes, are you OK? And I was like, I'm fine. I'm just listening. This is what other people do. Why can't I do it every now and then? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They think something's wrong with you. Yeah. Wow.

I can tell when I exhaust people. And when Joe gets pissed, it's kind of... It was weird. He's never killed anyone or hurt anyone in comedy. But it's still like the fear is there that he would flip out and fucking... Because it's capable, I guess. Well, there's levels of Joe. I think it is a curious...

conversation to have because there's the first, there's the, um, the scratch the surface level of Joe where you can get the, the Joe that goes, yeah, no, no, uh, leave, walk, walk away. I'm not talking to you. I've seen that Joe. I've seen that happen. And it's like, especially when you know, and then, and then there's the Joe just met you fun, kind of new to Joe. There's that. Then there's this Joe that we all know where we know him very well. Yeah. And so then you can see another level of Joe when you like,

like I've driven Joe fucking bonkers out of his mind before, like just exhausted him. And like, he gets frustrated with you and you go, okay, I got to give Joe some space. But then there's this part of Joe when he knows you for a long time, there's a love he has for you where you're never going to get off his fucking out of his love. Right. Right. But you know, but he's real honest. It's like funny. Like I watch people go like, I don't think Joe likes me. I go, he doesn't know who the fuck you are. Yeah. Like he's never, he doesn't know you. Like,

Like, he doesn't know you. You're not on his radar for him not to like. I know who he doesn't like, and you're not on that fucking list. Right, right, right. Well, look, I know he loves all of you. I know he loves both of you. I know he loves me. For sure. Yeah, yeah. He's going to help me out so many times. Yeah, he's the greatest, man. I've said it a million times. Impossible to buy a gift for. It's hard to buy presents for all of y'all because y'all are so successful. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's like y'all are at the point where you have all the stuff you want. Mm-hmm.

So it was like, you got to buy something they can't get. Yeah, but you got me an awesome gift. That was fucking awesome. Oh, yeah. Have y'all used that thing? No, I'm talking about the frame. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that's what I mean. So I finally got to him. Where'd you get him? It was a picture of a moment on his tour that he didn't know. Like, it was a special moment. And I got with his photographer. And I had it made into like a steel thing.

It's fucking beautiful. Oh, that's great. But it was like, he never saw it coming. No. But that's what I mean. It's like, it didn't cost a lot, but it was like. It's thoughtful. Right. But it's difficult. So I feel like, I don't like obligatory gifts. But if I ever find the perfect one, I'm going to get it. And I'm going to buy it then. But it's not about like, it's your birthday or whatever the fuck. It's just waiting for the moment. Because a gift is like a prank.

It's like, you have to know me well enough to, that's what a good gift feels like. It's like, oh, you know me. You know what I mean? The only way you knew to give me that is because you know me. It's like, you can give somebody a gift card or some shit, but it's like, give me something that you thought, it's thoughtful. That's an interesting way to look at a gift. I'll tell you why I'm not good at gifts is I only shop for me. When I'm shopping, I only think about what I want.

- Like I go, what are we getting Burt today? - But you've never seen a thing and immediately, or it's just like when you see a meme and you go, oh Tom, I think this is hilarious. And you send it to him immediately. Like you never see something in the store, you're like, oh, that's Tom. Or that's Leigh-Anne. - No. - Oh wow. - I go, I wonder if they have that in a men's size. Yeah, I only buy for me. Like I'm so bad that at Christmas,

Every Christmas I have like 12 gifts I've picked up for me because I go out shopping for them and I buy stuff for me. And then I'm always at the last minute on Amazon going, what the fuck do I get my kids? Like I'm bad at buying gifts. I'm not good. You have a bunch of stuff for you. A bunch. And I wrap it for me. And then I put it under the tree for me. Damn. Yeah. And it's all shit I want. And who's it from? Santa? Yeah. I don't have to pay just for that. Yeah. It was like to wrap it in weight.

- That's the worst part. - I give it to Island Georgia to wrap. - Oh, you go, "You wrap this." - Yeah, I go, "Hey, I got you guys something for me." And they're like, "Oh, thanks, Dad." - Oh, so you don't have to buy me a gift. - Don't buy me a gift. I don't wanna know what you're gonna get me. And then what I do is, I don't know, I thought I killed it this year 'cause I was very selfless. I wasn't drinking around Christmas, so I was thinking about everyone else. And I bought him all this cool shit.

They never took it with their... George didn't take any of it to college with her. She left it all? She left it all. Leanne's is still in a box over by my recliner. No one touched any of it. And I bought them thoughtful, fun gifts, and they just were like, nah. Leanne's better at buying gifts, but Leanne gives love by giving you service.

Like she loves you and then thinks of you and then goes, oh, you know what, Brian? Well, I'm sure Leanne's probably sent both of you guys gifts. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like that's how Leanne shows you love is to give you gifts in a service. I show you love by telling you I love you. And then I go, you know how much I love you. You know how much I love you. Oh, yeah. I share it with you and I share it with everyone around you and I just celebrate you all the time. Yeah, you made my day. We were backstage at the Black Keys. What?

like maybe a month ago or three weeks ago. And, and I, I saw, I saw a motherfucker get knocked out on Instagram and I walk over to show Joe and he's FaceTiming with Bert and Chappelle and,

And Dave Chappelle was like, "Oh shit, that's that nigga Brad Sips." And it was like- - Exactly like that, by the way. - Yeah, it was like, holy shit. Because we were at Stubbs and that's where him and Chappelle was doing shows. So he was FaceTiming Chappelle just to be like, "What we have?" 'Cause I've met Chappelle a whole bunch of times, but that was the first time he knew who I was. And then the next day, Bert told me, "Oh yeah, we were talking about you before that call."

So it's just so happy. You know what I mean? I said it. I said it to Dave and I said it to you, but you guys have very brilliant brains. You don't have to be talking about comedy. You can just be talking about life and I'll sit and listen. And I will always will think, how come I don't think like this?

about life or about other certain things I just think in comedy sense and I said to Chappelle that night I said can I tell you who you remind me of he's like who's that and I said this guy Brian Simpson and he was like wait I know him do I know him and I said yeah pulled up your special showed him the thing in your special he goes yeah I know that guy and then you showed up in the fucking in the fucking FaceTime he's like oh shit and I was like oh that was perfect I thought he would have been like I think he reminds you of me

I don't know about you, man. No, I do feel the same way about your mind, though, because when I watch clips of your podcasts, like on Instagram or something, you know, I see a clip of you talking just about –

a life philosophy, I'm always like, man, this is such, you always have interesting takes. Your perspective is always interesting. But you know, the other side of that is like, I will, I will lose my keys three times before I leave the house. Yeah. But there's, there's, there's a, I'll take that. Given a take to that. Oh yeah. I've accepted it. I've just learned how to live. I've just learned how to live myself. I got back up everything. Mm.

You know, just because I know how I am. I'll go upstairs to get my keys and be like, oh shit, I forgot my cigarettes. And I go down and I'm like, wait a minute, where'd my fucking keys go? And I come back and I'm like, damn, the cigarette. That's my whole, because I feel like I got, you know, like a dog's, like a squirrel. Like as soon as I lock in on something, everything else goes away. It's like my short-term memory just gets wiped. But that's the price to pay to have, to be...

you know, to have a unique perspective. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. It's like also the craziness of being a comic is like, I don't, I remember one point they wanted me to get on like medication. Cause I, I ruminate about things and I was like, yeah, but I don't want to stop ruminating. Cause that's how I write jokes is I just keep going over and over about it in my head. It happens with bad shit too, but like it also happens with jokes and I don't want to lose the bad shit and then lose the comedy part where I can't ruminate. You got to deal with both. But every time I try to get on some medication, it,

It fucked with me. Like, and even the shit that work, it was like, it's like if my shit, if my head, if my brain's broken in a way where it's like, I described it like there's a, it's like without the meds, it's a thousand watt bulb that flicker. Yeah. But on the meds, it's like, it's a hundred watt bulb that's always on.

You know what I mean? That's a great analogy. And it's like, ah, this, like, okay, yeah, it's not off, but goddamn, like. It doesn't shut off. Yeah, I need those moments. I need those flickers of like high shit. I wonder if, I wonder if depression and anxiety and OCD and all that shit has increased with our, our being,

being plugged into this social media landscape and this media landscape, I wonder if there was as much depression when they were just settlers and all they had to do was build a fence. Nah, man, I think all, I seriously, I think they need to look into it. I think all the depression and anxiety and all that shit started when people started shaving their pussy hair.

Yeah, because I think there was something about the collective bushes, like gathering, like putting out those pheromones, like millions of women, the bushes holding all the juices, putting out that little bit of shit, but combining and like calming people down. Yeah. You know what I mean? And shaving those off. Yeah, it's all these bald pussies and bald pubes. It's like, I think...

there's something that used to be in the air that ain't there no more. Do you stop when you have a bald pussy? Are you kind of like... I don't like it. You're not doing it for me. I don't want it, is what I'm saying. I'm not like, get the fuck out of here with your bald pussy. Going down on a chick with a lot of pussy hair can be aggressive. Nah, nah, give me that. You got to take your tongue and part it so that it goes. When I'm eating pussy, I want it to feel like I'm wearing an N95 mask. You know what I mean? A properly fitted N95 mask.

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Yeah. I'm a fan of the hair, too. Yeah, those are the porn magazines I found. I wish. Can you pull up some pictures of Big Bush? Leanne is lightly haired. Uh-huh. Like, naturally lightly haired. Is it gray? Oh, that's personal. No, no, no, no. No, it's not. Wow. By the way, when it goes gray, I'll make her diet. Really? I'm not going to fucking let her have gray pubic hair. She pointed out a gray chest hair. Okay, those are joke bushes. I want to see real pussy hair. She's got the bush merkin. Female bush merkin.

See, they're, God damn it. No. What do you, do you guys jack off back there? Like, how do you find shit? They got the adult filter on.

I miss those. I never really hooked up with a chick with a ton of pubic hair, but I miss the videos when I was a kid. Those were the first bushes you saw. First bushes you saw. My first look of sexuality was just tons of fucking hair. Yeah. Is that Nikki Glaser? Jesus. Does look like her, right? I mean, now that you say it. Wait, keep going. Whoa, look at that one. Which one? The one that looks like fucking Osama Bin Laden.

What? Oh, a third from the right here? No, no, right here. Yeah, fourth. With the tits? Look at that one that looks like a dude. That's a lot of pubic hair. Yeah, see, all those pussies are fine to me. Yeah, I actually don't mind them. Get in there. I don't mind them at all. Yeah, it's just an adventure. But I trim my ball hairs.

Yeah? Yeah. How tight do you go? Like, close. You do it with a razor, too? No, I do it with Manscaped. Manscaped's Lawn Mower 5.0. Are they a sponsor? No, I don't know if they are anymore, but they make a goddamn good fucking ball shaver. It's a good trimmer, yeah. Yeah, it's a great trimmer. I'll still use them forever. It is a great trimmer, yeah.

Yeah, I'll do my... Do you shave your dick? Yeah, I shave the shaft. With a razor? No, I just use that. Sometimes I'll go in. If I do a good job... My dick's getting hard talking about this. Sometimes if I... All this conversation. Sometimes I'll go in with...

shaving cream and a razor and shave the balls and get them right. And then shave the shaft. And then it looks so much bigger. Yeah, yeah. My dick's gotten so much better. Better? Like better. I don't know why. What do you mean better? It's gotten better. Like it was, I think when I was...

When I was skinny, I thought it was a small dick, right? And then when I got fat, it was a small dick. And then when I lost weight, I was like, oh, this was not a bad dick. Oh, so you appreciate your dick more. I appreciate my dick more. That's just Buddhism, though. That's what you're talking about. Yeah. What? That's Buddhism. Yeah, this is a Zen philosophy. I mean, it's the same dick. You know, it's just your perspective changed. You got skinny, you got fat, you got skinny, and you're like, this dick is great. I don't think your dick changed at all. That's just you thinking about it. Your dick didn't change. It looks good now. Yeah.

especially if i like it like i can see it you can see it yeah that helps yeah are you doing vodka now no when you couldn't see it what would you do you just reach down there yeah you could see it but you you'd have to like yeah like i couldn't shave my pubic hair so i couldn't see it i couldn't see anything down there

Like I couldn't look over my belly to get to my people. - So you was going blind? - Yeah. - There's gotta be a whole, there's a whole thing being a black guy that there's so much pressure. I feel like there's gotta be so many black guys who are like, every time they go to hook up, they know that the woman's like, I'm about to see a fucking anaconda. - Oh yeah. I used, that used to be, but now,

'Cause here's the truth, I don't think most women really want that. They be talking like that. - No, I know, I know. - You don't want the real, you don't want the hammer for real. - Yeah, you don't want the tap inches. - Nah, 'cause I'm not that guy, but it's like all of us know that guy where it's like, oh, he got a motherfucking third leg, right? - Yeah. - Most chicks ain't, they'll see that motherfucker and be like, ah. - I don't know. - Yeah, they'll tap out, nah. - There was one guy I knew had a real hog, his real hog, and his wife, we were friends with him,

Oh, I think I met this in LA. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his wife couldn't get all of it in her. And he couldn't get his dick in her. He could only get his head of his dick in her. And you're like, how do you get married then? I mean, he's got to find a gaping pussy to get happy. She's got to let him cheat. No. No? I mean, I don't know. I don't think they do. But like, he just, it was like. Tall guy, right? Yeah, tall guy. Yeah, yeah.

He had a fucking hog on him. And he couldn't get all, first of all, couldn't get all the way hard. It's too big. That's no good. I got a question for y'all. Because I ask people, this is how comics are. As good as y'all are at comedy, you would agree, you're one of the top, you're both one of the top comics in the world. Are you better at comedy or fucking? Comedy. Wow. Okay, yeah. Comedy. You would be shocked at who's like, eh.

Really? Yeah. Who thinks they're... My boy, you know Derek Poston? Yeah. He was like, I don't know.

Like, no, it's comedy. Come on. Like, there's Tom Brady fucking out there. You ain't that guy. No. This is the thing about men, though. Men, it doesn't matter who they are, most men have the same delusions. And it's that they think that they know how to fuck, fight, be funny, and drive. And they have to have experiences to let them know. Like, all of us know that...

First of all, you're lucky if you're proficient in one of them. Don't forget parenting. That's another one. That's another thing people think they're good at. That's another one. It's fucking exhausting. But of the strictly male things. Oh, right, right, right. And then I think to be proficient in one of them is incredible. Because you learn like- Fight, drive, fuck, and what was the other one? Be funny. Oh, funny, fight, drive, fuck. Yeah. And what you learn is like-

Well, we're funny for a living. So even if you don't think we're funny, we're proficient at it. And there's enough people that find us funny that we can do it for a living. Right. So we're pretty funny. I'm funny for a living. Yeah. Yeah.

if you do any type of training, like martial arts training, you go to a boxing class, you get humbled real fast. You're like, oh, I don't know fucking shit. Yeah, all that shit was up here. Yeah, and then you think because you get angry that you know how to fight. You don't know how to fight, dude. That's interesting that anger is the thing that tells you you can fight, but anger and fighting have nothing to do with each other. It's a delusion. It's because what you're really saying to yourself is,

I'm at a level where I'm willing to do things to you. And therefore, I can fight. You can't fight, man. Step in the ring with someone who can fight and it's over real fucking fast. Real quick. One leg kick will change your life. The thing is, you don't really... You're only going to find out your level of fucking if some chick's like...

you know, by the way, you're the 20th best person. Like, like she's got to tell you before you figure it out or you're with somebody who thinks you're great. And then you should just be happy. You just know, like, bro, I watched that dude. What's his name? It's Owen something. Yeah. He was on the podcast. It's like, you watch him fuck people. You're like, Oh, I will never be able to fuck someone like that. No, no, no. He's good. And that's the thing that see, he, he found the one thing, one of the, one of the, he's not funny. No, that's his thing. Yeah. He can fuck.

Yeah, he can fuck. And then the driving thing is another thing. Every dude thinks they know how to drive. Right. And then you get out there. I remember the first time I went on a racetrack and I was there like,

how are, what's your driving experience? And I was like, you know, I'm, I can drive. And they're like, okay. And then you just, you do like a lap and you're like, oh Jesus. They're like, yeah, you're, you're an amateur, man. You don't know what you're doing. And you're like, oh, okay. And then you, you have a, oh, that's one of the best experience in my life. Bert gave me when I was on the, when I was on the first fully loaded. Yeah. And we went to, remember when we were in that, at that NASCAR track in, where the fuck was it? It was somewhere in Georgia. It was Thunder Valley. Yeah. And Tennessee. And they gave us,

They had one of their guys drive us around the track. And that's when you realize, oh, it's levels. And these weren't the pros. These was just the motherfuckers that worked at the track. Instructors, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and it was like, holy shit. This is crazy. That was wild. They said to us, hey, do you guys want to drive around the track? Now, I've done that a number of times for Travel Channel, so I knew how fun it was. And I told everyone. I was like, everyone, come on, we should go over. And everyone's like, I'm tired, I'm hungover, I'm asleep. Yeah.

I was like, okay. And then I went over and did it and I forgot how fun it was. And when I did it, I immediately called everyone. I was like, everyone needs to get the fuck over here right now. It's the greatest experience I've ever had. It's one of the best things I've ever done. So fun. But it shows you, there's levels to this shit. So many. Like there's, because there's people that are a hundred times better at driving than that motherfucker. He blew my mind. So wait, then if you think like, as you were saying this, I was like, okay, so then,

If I was a cage fighter, like are we as funny in the general populace? Are we more proficient in comedy equivalent to say Conor McGregor is to the average person? Because I don't think so. I think those fighters are even more elite than the highest comics. They're more elite. Because I think with comedy, you have the option to be elite. But you can settle. You settle in there, you can get your fucking head knocked off. Yeah.

Yeah, but there's a difference between funny is that with funny, any like your average person has like really funny moments hanging out. Right. Like if you go to lunch with somebody, they can be really funny. You guys fucking funny. The difference is being funny for an audience and someone going, OK, the show starts now.

And that's the thing that like the average funny dude cannot do. That's the thing. That's the separation. You can do it in the moment for a large number of people and you can make thousands of people laugh. And they're like, it's at 805. That's when you're going to do it and you can do it. That's the thing that other people can't do.

Yeah, I've woken up out of a dead sleep and fucking crushed. Yeah. I have too. But that's elite. You realize most people can't do that. I know it is elite, but is it as elite as... Well, the stakes are different. Right. If you bomb, they're just going to be like, you suck. Right. And if you bomb in the octagon, you're going to be paralyzed. You know?

Man, yeah, yeah. Those dudes are on some, they are like born in the wrong century. Yeah, there's something wrong, yeah. To choose to get your ass beat for a living?

And their brains just get rocked. It sucks to watch your favorite fighter just get dumber. I know. I heard one time Rogan say that once someone gets knocked out for real, once you break their jaw, I mean, you break them and you knock them unconscious, then it's all downhill from there.

- I remember him saying that and he was like, Justin Gaethje just got knocked out at the last fucking second by Max Holloway and Justin Gaethje's a fucking savage. But then I saw that knockout and I was like, oh shit, does this mean that once you get knocked out once, you're more prone to get knocked out again? - It changes your brain. - Yeah, your brain is like, turn it off now. When you hit that motherfucker, when you get knocked out like that,

Yeah, you're going to start people. This becomes way easier. I've ever been knocked out. Oh, yeah. For real? Yeah. In a fight? Yeah. My big brother knocked me out one time. He knocked you out. What happened? He was he I was because I had left. I was in the foster homes and shit like that. And then when I came back to the home he was in and I hadn't seen him in a long time and he didn't want me to come hang around.

with him and the older kids 'cause they was like street dudes. It was like, "No, stay in the house." And I was so pissed and I said something like, "You're not my brother," or something like that. And he was super sensitive about it, which now as an adult, I look back and go, "You should not have said that." That was the last thing you should have said. But back then, I was just trying to hurt his feelings. And he fucking grabbed me by the throat and he was so much stronger than me that I couldn't fight it off. But I'm the type of dude where I'm like, "Oh, well then, you know what?

I will burn this fuck, like I will kill both of us so I don't lose. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I ran upstairs and I got a fucking kitchen knife and I came downstairs with a knife and he saw the knife and just, because he is a boxer. Uh-huh.

And he just pieced me up real quick and stomped. And he was stomping. And the thing is, he knocked me out and I wasn't unconscious. But I was falling and fully aware of it and couldn't do anything about it. And he was stomping me out barefoot when my grandmother came down and pulled him off of me. Wow. Yeah. I went to school the next day all knotted up and shit. Really? Yeah. And the thing is, he was still holding back. He lost it for a second.

But he could have really fucked me up, and he did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- That's crazy. - Yeah, and that was the first time I lost a fight. - Was it just you and him? - Yeah, it was just me. - Were you fighting a lot before then? - No, we've never-- - No, were you fighting with other people a lot? - Oh yeah. - You were? - Yeah, I was, yeah, I would throw hands regularly. 'Cause you know what would happen to me is, I would move so much that, you know, when you get to the new school, you know, the girls are talking about you 'cause you're somebody new, and the already popular dudes, they wanna test you, right? But you can't do shit because,

you'll get kicked out of your home. Because you already got sent from the last place, so if you get into a fight, it's a wrap. So it's like you hold it in, but then if you don't stand up to a bully immediately, they start thinking shit's sweet, so they want to test you and test you and test you. So I will always be in that situation. At a new school, people want to test you, test you, test you, and you're not saying shit, so they think you a bitch. And then eventually you're like, I'm going to have to handle this motherfucker.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's what happened like that all the time. Really? And you were winning all those fights though. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Cause I, I was, I didn't, I didn't give a fuck. Like I was, I was really, I'm lucky that I didn't hurt really seriously hurt somebody. I've hit motherfuckers with a, with a, I put like a soda can in my sock and bust the motherfucker in the head with it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Straight up. Like, like I'm gonna make sure you don't fuck with me again. Sure. You know? Yeah. That's how you do it. When was the last fight you were in?

Man, it's been a long time. This was maybe, I don't know, six years ago? The last actual, like, I'm in danger? Yeah. I was working the door at a pub, and I'll never forget, this motherfucker had, he had a,

Him and his girl came to the club and he didn't have his ID and they lived across the street. And so he was like, all right, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go grab my ID, blah, blah, blah. And he was gone for like an hour and a half. And his girl kept coming outside more and more fucked up. It was one of the things where she kept telling me the same story again. So I knew she was fucked up. And the last time she came outside, she left her purse and shit on my little table that was sitting beside me. And then,

And then he started walking across the street again. She came out to talk to me again, tell me the same fucking story again. And he ran up behind her and like picked her up and like ran around with her, like, you know, like cute couple shit or whatever. Yeah.

And when he came back to put her back down, I went to go, hey, you left your, this motherfucker just sucker punched me. Knocked my head right into the side of the. What? Yeah, knocked my head into the edge of the door frame. And I got up and slammed his ass. And this is like Adams Avenue in San Diego. So like the cops, it's basically like Sixth Street. All the bars are there. The cops came out of fucking nowhere. Everywhere. Yeah.

And it was the first time that a cop was like on my side. - Right. - Yeah, because I slammed him, hit him with a couple of elbows and the cop was like, "Stop, stop." And I fucking stopped. And he was like, "What happened?" I told him what happened and he was like, "You got some licks in?" I was like, "Yeah." He was like, "You know you can't do that." And I was like, "All right." He was like, "What you wanna do?"

get this motherfucker out of here. But the whole time I was punching this motherfucker, he was like, he immediately went from sucker punching me to what's happening? What are you doing? Like a little bitch. Yeah. Was he fucked? Did he get fucked up in his hour and a half away? Is that what it was? I think that's what happened. He ended up, he ended up beating the shit out of that girl like a few months later and like getting arrested for it. Really? Yeah. She was gorgeous too. Wow. He was one of these schlubby dudes. What did she say to him? I think he was just like,

I think he just had a fucking drinking problem. What does he do to provoke him? That was the last time I ever felt like I was... It'd be crazy if you were violent, like a violent drinker. Yeah, I'm so far between that. I know. I don't even get an attitude when I drink. I kind of just turn into a better person. Really? Yeah. Actually, pass me that vodka. I got to get on a plane today. I wouldn't mind a little... You want some ice? Flying to Boston, yeah. Ice and the... But yeah, I don't get violent. Unless you've been in a fight. It's been a very long time. Utah? Middle school.

I think I'm too old for it now because I feel like even if I won the fight, it would take me forever to recover. You'd be shocked. The last fight I got in, I got pretty beat up. I was in college and had to go to the hospital. Did you deserve it?

- No, I don't think I did. - What started it? - I wrote a song about all the guys in our fraternity. And we just made fun of everyone, like roasting them. And one of the guys didn't get it. He was like, you know, it just doesn't get, you know, certain people don't get comedy, they get angry. There's a lot of, like, it's funny, I've always joked with Cage Fighters, and you can always tell the ones that get comedy, like Nate Diaz gets comedy. Like he gets it. Like all the jokes I've ever made, Izzy, Israel, Adesanya,

Gets comedy and then there's certain comment. There's certain cage fighters. You know that they don't get comedy they get Confrontation and so you don't you just don't make jokes about those guys you're like I'm gonna stay away from that fucking guy This was that kind of that guy well you make jokes and you carry a pistol Yeah, or you just go like I learned that then I was like I made jokes about everyone in the fraternity and everyone fucking loved it They were like excited that they got included this joke I mean about the guy wasn't that bad and we were really good friends really good friends and he came up and

It was finals and he came up

And I was like, I didn't even know he was that mad. I didn't think he was really mad because the jokes weren't that bad. And he was like, don't let me fucking see you. And I was like, oh, come on. We're not going to do this. Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. And he was like, I fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking kill you. And in my head, I was like, how bad could this be? And it was pretty bad. He fucking grabbed me, suplexed me onto my head, knocked unconscious. I think I swallowed my tongue. I started to swallow my tongue. So I woke up with his hand in my mouth.

And I think he was trying to get my tongue out of my mouth, out of my throat, I think. I was knocked unconscious. Everything's a little blurry. He was crying. He was crying in a corner. Everything's a blur because I was knocked unconscious. And then I just got up. I didn't know what happened. I got up and I got in my sister's car. I had my sister's car. She lived in Tallahassee too. I was driving her car. And I started driving on campus knowing I had a test to go to. But I didn't know where. I couldn't figure out how to get around campus. And I parked the car in this weird spot.

And I walked into someone's classroom. You were fully concussed. Fully concussed. And I was confused. And I sat in the classroom. And everyone's like, can we help you? And I was like, I have a test. And they were like, you're not in this class. And then I walked into the bathroom. And I looked in the mirror. And I couldn't. Everything was going like this. Like, who are you? Who are you? Like, who are you? It was repeating. And I was like. And then I went out into the campus. And I sat down on a park bench.

And I started crying because I couldn't figure out, my thoughts were everywhere. And I couldn't like focus them. And this girl that I knew saw me and said, are you okay? And I said, I think I got beat up.

And I said, I don't know what happened, but I can't figure out. I'm like, I'm really lost. I'm really confused. Immediately everyone thought I'd done drugs because that was my personality. She's like, what did you take? What are you on? And I said, I think I'm sober. I don't know. I don't know. I can't use my brain. It's not working. She drove me out to Tallahassee Memorial or wherever. And they asked me where I went to school. And I said, Jesuit high school. And they were like, did you? And then my roommate came up. And they're like, yo, someone beat him up.

And they're like, what? And I was like, they're like, who's the president? I was like, I was like George Bush and Clinton was the president. Oh, did that kid get in trouble? No, nothing happened. Nope. Didn't even pay my hospital bills. Yeah, he got in trouble. I think, I think, I think that what sucks is that our friends, once you beat someone up like that, your friends all go, oh, I don't like you.

And all his friends were like, oh, you're gross. Yeah, yeah. And I think it fucked him up. I know it fucked him up. He came up and tried to apologize to me one night at a bar. And I was like, oh, you know, here's the thing about accepting apologies. You can accept them, but you can also say, I also don't ever want to be your friend. I can just go, we're good, but I know who you are now. And I think it fucked him up. I think especially it's got to fuck him up now because I'm, you know,

I'm super famous for doing what made him the most angry in his life. - Yeah, fuck your apology, I want revenge. - See, I knew this guy, I told you, you need revenge. - Yeah, fuck that, fuck that apology. You almost killed me 'cause you sensitive, bitch ass. - It's crazy, I'm not good at roasts. - But what if that's what made you funny?

I'm getting drops on my head. Yeah. Can I tell you, I got to be honest with you, I think it did make me funnier. Because after I got dropped on the head, I started seeing the world differently. I'm being serious. Like, I got a little more impulsive. Like, you know, I went to Russia right after that. And like... You had frontal cortex damage. Yeah. And I really feel like I thought, like I felt like I thought faster and quicker. So you owe him a shout out. I think there's something about that, man. You know, my...

My mother recently, you know how when your parents get older, they start telling you shit? We like, oh shit, you could have kept that in the tuck, right? Yeah. My mother recently told me that when she was banging my father sneakily as a teenager, he snuck in her window one time and didn't realize that I was on the bed and knocked me off the bed and I landed on, you know, I hit smack on the floor.

And I was like, oh, because I got a lot of fucking dents and shit. But the first one was my dad. That was how I got the scar. One of the scars on my forehead was my dad knocking me off the bed trying to sneak in and get some pussy. No shit. Shut up. How old was your dad? I think my dad was 18. My mother was 16. Oh, my...

Yeah, something like that. Did she give you up for adoption? No, no, no, no. It wasn't like that. It was like I she she left her. She left me with her mother because her mother was abusive people. And she just burned. She burned the last motherfucker with an iron, you know. And then when she saw her mother, like brought him home again, she fucked. I can't do this. She left. But she left us there because because because he didn't.

She wouldn't let him put his hands on us. Yeah. So she knew we were safe there and she was young and broke. So she couldn't take two kids to be broke. So it was that kind of situation. And then we ended up being taken from her, from our grandmother. God damn it, man. You realize I can't wrap my head around that. I've grown up with such a soft life. I keep it pushing, bro. Because you know why? It's because what it gave me is, because I firmly believe every fucking thing

Every time you get rid of a fear, you get rid of a filter, right? And I think it makes your art better. To have the fear? No, to get rid of, to conquer it because it's almost like, as soon as you're going, what will my mom say? What will my wife say? It's like, it's almost like,

there's a seasoning you're not allowed to cook with. You know what I mean? And as soon as you're like, fuck what my mom talking about, then this opens up this whole spice cabinet of shit you can talk about and things you can say. And so I've never been paralyzed by like, what are my parents gonna say? Yeah, that's a big thing. If they hear this joke, what are they gonna say? Because all my friends think like that sometimes, and I don't get it at all. But they're like, yeah, but my mom, I'm like, but fuck your mom.

fuck your mom. Do what you want to do. You know what I mean? Like, my mom don't tell me what to fucking do. She knows better. She don't tell me what to say and none of that shit. You know what I mean? I don't play that. Nah. This is my shit. Yeah. I mean, obviously, I listen to her opinion, but I'm not, like, going to just not say something for the sole reason that it's going to bother them. You're right. A lot of comedians, myself included sometimes, have been like, oh, what will they think? And listen, you know, motherfucker, if you ain't knowing the inheritance, you know you got to protect the bag.

You know what I'm saying? If your parents paying your bills, you got to shut the fuck up. Right. Yeah. I wish I'd known there was going to be no inheritance. I would have lived so differently. Really? I would have lived so fucking differently. No, I'm the inheritance. I knew from the moment I was born there ain't nobody leaving me shit. Did you ever think people were going to leave you money? Not anything significant. Oh, I had money fucking waiting for me. Really? I thought so. Really? I didn't understand how money worked. So I thought, I thought that I didn't. And I was like,

I was like, well, my dad, I didn't, my dad didn't have money until I was like in college. So like, but after college he made money and I was like, I was like, I wonder what I'll get. Like, it's a really creepy thought. I was like, I wonder what I'll get. And I had an uncle that had money. I was like, I wonder, and they're all still, they're all still alive. That had real inheritance. Real inheritance. Man, that's gotta be nice. Yeah. And then tied to things though, it was tied to like certain things they had to do. You know, these are like generational wealth people where,

where it was like you have to. There's a bunch of motherfuckers out there in dentist school and shit. Yeah, yeah, you have to follow this path. Yeah, and then you get your trust kicks in. Like I heard all these. I got a crazy one. You want to hear a crazy inheritance story? I can't really say names, but I'll tell you the names after. Our friend gets a call. Yo, your uncle died. Okay, what's that mean? You need to help take care of his wife, your aunt.

You're the last living ancestor she has. So you need to take care of her. And as she's doing this, she realizes, oh, I'm going to, this is crazy. I'm going to, I guess I'm going to inherit whatever she has, but she doesn't think anything of it. She's like, I just got to square her away, get her into whatever home caring that she needs to be in. Goes up and realizes this woman's worth $40 million. No shit. But in the process of this is like,

And honestly, I saw that person the other day and they still can't wrap their head around it because also the person's still alive. They're still alive. They're still alive. And the person goes, the person also has money. They're like, I don't really need the money. But like when this person dies, we're going to inherit crazy money and our life is going to change over fucking night.

And I think it's crazy because I think this person will live long enough that they will get to compartmentalize exactly what they will and won't do because that money for like $40 million can fuck your life up. Like if you don't have, if you're, look, I'm sure these people are like millionaires. They make a million dollars a year. It's a lot of money. But when you all of a sudden get a splash of $40 million, you're like, yo, no one has to work again.

Like, no one has to show up for work. Like, that's fucking wild. It's crazy to have been witnessed. And then, like, because I would have handled it if we found out Leanne had an aunt that had $40 fucking million. Yeah, that would be... That would fuck me up, for sure. Do you know what I'm inheriting? Outboard motors. My father-in-law has about 750 antique outboard motors. What does that mean? Nothing. Like, for boats? Yeah, nothing. They're useless. My father-in-law has...

He collects Upward Motors from the 1920s. My dad had this 1950s car that I saw, like, one day it was just in his garage, and I was like, what the fuck is this? He's like, this was my car in high school. And I was like, no shit. It was a fucking really cool-looking car, right? And I was like, oh, man, he goes, this will be yours one day. This is, like, 15 years ago.

So I'd go back and visit, and I'd see the car, and I was like, I can't believe this was your car in high school. This is fucking nuts, man. And it has a really delicate shifter, you know? And I took it on a couple drives with him. I was like, well, this is rad. And then every time I would visit them, I would see it, and I'd be like, it'll be mine one day. And then right before he died, like whatever, six months before I'm visiting him, and I go, hey, where's the car? He's like, oh, I sold it.

And I go, I thought that was for me. And he was like, yeah, I sold it. And I was like, damn. Oh, okay. So do I not get it? He's like, well, no, it's gone. I was like, cool. He goes, you can buy it from them though. And I was like, the fuck is that? It's not an inheritance, dude. That was the only thing I was going to get from you, man. Both of your parents cold-blooded. Yeah, I know.

I never met your father, but your mother's a motherfucking piece of work. She is. No, he was way sweeter. Oh, okay. Yeah, he was way sweeter. He was just like, he was always like oblivious. He's like, oh yeah, I did tell you that would be yours. I'm like, yeah. Yeah, but he hung out with my mom. It's good. It's good. Mexican Kool-Aid. Yeah, yeah. It's fucking great. How close did you guys think? Did you really, were you worried I was going to die for real? I thought it's definitely reasonable to think about. For real? Well, that you would get into some...

Like if somebody had been like, Bert died, I wouldn't be like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Hold on. Yeah. It wasn't that bad, was I? Well, I just thought, because my first time actually like partying with you was that fully loaded tour. And I was just like, I can't like, I couldn't believe how much you could party and still and not be dying.

- Yeah. - And I'll never forget this moment where we're on the bus and I'm like, is it any water in here? And it was just beer. It was like 500 beers in this bus and not a single fucking bottle of water. And I was like, what's the closest thing to water? And it was a grapefruit thing. And I was like, I can't have grapefruit. And Burt went, oh, are you on this medication? I was like,

Holy shit. Like we, like we on the same medication. I got to fucking make a change. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was that serious. It's how hard he can push it. But yeah, you got, you got pretty bad, dude. I'm not disciplined. I'm not disciplined enough to. Well, name a comic that if you found out they were dead, you wouldn't be surprised. Like Ralphie was that guy for a long time. If I found out they was dead. You'd be surprised. And then name a comic that if you found out they were dead, you'd be like, no fucking way. Ah,

Well, if I know Joe died, I would be shocked. I would be. Like from a health thing. Yeah. It's not going to be a health thing. Yeah. But somebody that's like super, because this is the era of the healthy comic. Yeah. Yeah, it is the era of the healthy comic. But who's a severe fucking, got a severe problem? Nobody that I care about. Not that I can think off the top of my head where I'm like,

'Cause they usually, I usually start fucking with those people. Like once you show me that you, 'cause you can drink, you can have a drinking problem, you can have a cocaine problem, you can have whatever, but when you can't lock in when it's showtime, I can't fuck with you 'cause you gonna pull me away from, 'cause I'm always afraid that it's gonna all go away. - Everyone is. - I'm not at that point where I'm comfortable.

you know and so I don't want to be around people that don't give a fuck because they're going to have you in situations where you don't give a fuck so you know all the people there's a lot of people that I wouldn't Tony Hinchcliffe if he died in like a gay murder pack suicide I'd be like that makes sense that tracks that tracks

Red band, red band died. Red band was the one, that was like the canary in the mine. When he looks at me, he goes, oh, you don't look as bad as Reddit says. And I was like, what? And he goes, they say you're going to die. I was like, what are you talking about? And he goes, you don't read Reddit? And I was like, I don't read anything, red band. And he was like, oh, everyone says you're going to die, but you don't look that bad. And I was like, okay, whatever.

You're the only one in here that says I don't look bad. I was like, Brian, maybe both of us need rehab. Yeah. What about the big dude from RU Garbage?

Foley. I don't know him that well, but he's huge. Yeah. He's going down. He's losing weight. He's doing the 5K. Dude, everyone's losing weight. Bro, Jelly Roll's losing weight. Jelly Roll's down 75 pounds. Yeah, man. It's crazy. Everyone, you know, I think health is sexy. I think if you look healthy and you show health to someone, it looks fucking awesome. And the thing is, if Joe fuck with you, you can't be around him without him saying something about it.

At some point, he's going to be like, hey, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The number one thing I think that would drive Joe nuts about me was my lifestyle, my partying, and my getting overweight. Because he doesn't see you as that. He sees you as skinny. He sees you as your best version of yourself. And he'd be like, yeah, I remember one time I was like, yeah, I'm working on losing weight. And he's like, what are you doing? I said, you know, Joe, I stopped ordering apps. And he was like, what the fuck did you just say?

No more appetizers? Yeah, no more appetizers. I'm down to one meal. I just ordered one meal. You can get real fat boy status on the apps. I was talking to Stavros about this. You ever have two or three

Uber Eats all coming so you can mix and match. Like I want the sauce from Chick-fil-A, but I want the fries from Golden Tiger. That shit really make you feel like a piece of shit. Yeah. I've been there, man. I've been. Dude, last night, Christina was gone and I put the boys to sleep.

And they're at that age where it hits them that people die. Oh, wow. So they start to get like... So the young one, the five-year-old, puts on this sweater that Christina... It's Christina's. And he goes, when mom dies, I'm going to get this. And I go, yeah. And then he goes, I don't want mom to die. And I go, oh, she's not going to die. He goes, I don't want mom to die.

I go, no, she's not going to die, man. And then Ellis, my older boy, he goes, I don't want mom or dad to die. And then the five-year-old goes, yeah, mom. And I go, hey, fucker, I'm here too. And he's like, yeah, but mom's the best. She gives hugs. He's like, if I had to choose. Oh, if I had to choose, I'd let Tom die before Push. Like, if I was one of their kids. Oh, right, right. Yeah, I'm not going to fucking...

I'd rather, she's very sweet with those boys. Those are her boys. Those are her boys. That's true. Those are her boys. No, they'd be better off. Like Leanne, like those, my daughters are Leanne's children. They're not my children. They're Leanne's children. Like I show up, but like, I'm just another one of her kids. I'm the equivalent to one of her dogs or a cat.

Like I'm not, I'm not. Well, it makes sense because it's like they get, it's like because they don't understand money yet. Yeah. They get, they get everything from her. Yeah. Right. They don't understand that it actually all comes from you.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And that she's useless in the entire fucking relationship. Without me, they're nothing. It's like she hands it to you, but I bought it. Yeah. They are absolutely fucking nothing. They are fucking if when Kurt Cobain died.

I'm Kurt Cobain in that family. She can go start another band. Start the Foo Fighters. Have fun. Marry another man, but you have to marry another man. Or your band can't exist. I'm fucking Kurt Cobain. But here's the truth. The money comes from you, but she knows what to get.

She knows what to buy, right? - I really honestly don't even know how much money we have and I don't know what we can afford or why we buy certain things. And I just go, "Can we afford that?" She was like, "Yeah." And I go, "Okay, then you can do it." She goes, "I don't know. "I have no fucking clue." - See, I know for a fact that he is the opposite. - Of course. - 'Cause I know you think like, Tom is like, "I need to know where every motherfucker penny at."

That's why he has more money than I do. He's a tax evader and he moved to this city. I don't even know how much money I have, but I know Tom has more. And I don't pay a manager. You don't pay a manager? Right. Oh, fuck.

And it's like, he's smart with his fucking money. And that came from him and his dad. No, you know what I realized? I always thought I was bad with money. And then I, and I realized recently, I just didn't have enough money. Yeah. That's a, that's a real, I'm still just as bad with money, but like, I, but I can afford to be as I can afford to be as bad as with money as I am now. How much money do you think, how much money do you think is like, if you signed a deal for dot, dot, dot, you'd be like, I'm fucking good for the rest of my life.

Netflix calls out. Probably 40 million. 40 fucking million. I'm like, well, I don't never got to do another fucking thing? Yeah. Yeah, about 40 million. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, because they're not. For me, when I was 26 years old, I thought, if I could make a million dollars, I'd be good. Yeah, for sure. No. I was like, that's not enough. Everything changes. Because you know what it is. What you don't calculate is, because it's different if you and a family are rich people.

But if you the breadwinner, especially if you have a single mom, that's another kid. That's another kid. Yep. You got kids to take care of. You got a single mother. You got to take care of them. Because that's the first thing I ever had to do is buy a mom a house. I probably pay off my siblings' houses. I probably pay off their ex-wife's houses. God damn.

God, that's such a black thing to do. What, pay off ex-wives' houses? No, no, like buy people houses. Like that's not a white thing at all. No, no, not at all. Because y'all already got houses y'all be inheriting. Probably. Yeah, it's different. It's something that I find very endearing, but I cannot connect with when they go, I bought my mom a house. You didn't buy your mom a house? No.

- Where she live? - But she already had a house. - Oh, right. - She had a house. Like I grew up in a house. - My mom ain't living in no apartment. - Yeah. - But it seems like a cultural thing to do is like take care of your parents, like set everyone up. - The white thing is like, oh, fuck them. They're fine. - I got pissed off when I found out I was the inheritance. When I found out I made more money than all them and now all the fucking dreams I had of not working, they have about me and waiting for me to die. - Right, well you spoil your mom though.

Absolutely. She doesn't feel like it. It's never enough. She's going to Europe, fucking Paris. For real? Yeah, I'm fucking sending her all five-star shit, and then she's like, what about the next month? Then she has the balls to be like, I need an iPhone. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? As weird as it is, you ask me for one more thing, you're going to have to give me some pussy. Because you ain't doing shit for me. You act like I owe you something. Yeah.

- All right, look, we gotta wrap. - Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Can we pitch a segment where you send your mom to Europe and I'll go a week before her and set up the most amazing trip she's ever had

she won't know about it. Yeah. Like I'll, we'll get, we'll cast actors and we'll Truman show her trip to Europe. I've always wanted to Truman show her. I've always wanted to Truman show her. That's fascinating. I really do. Yeah. I'll go a week for it. She's the person to do it too. And then we're like, they'll be like, Hey, can you come back into the kitchen and make a pizza? And they're like, this is the best pizza we've ever had. Man, you'll show me the

I want people to, cause it happens sometimes to be like, are you the lady from the fart? And then she's like, Jesus. Cause people stop her sometimes. Like, Oh, I saw your fart video. We'll get a guy that come over and be like, the news. I want the news to be like, you're the lady from the fart. Like you're here. Are you going to fart again? You could set this up. Yeah. You can set this up. You got to catch a flight. So we got to go. All right. Brian, love you. Thank you. I love you to death, brother. Go see bottom of the barrel is,

Bottom of the barrel every Tuesday at the Mothership, live from the Mothership on Netflix. Come see me on tour, bryantsomescomedy.com. Bam. Bang, bang. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top to swat, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.