Bombing In Front Of De Niro w/ Colin Quinn | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 210
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This week on Two Bears, One Cave. Even though when I came in, I trashed the jukebox electric. I just scanned a couple of the songs and I was like, I rocked the Kaz Bob. What's going on here? That's my wife. Uh-oh, don't talk to me. My favorite part, I'm sorry, of the last few minutes, though, is that you very kind of like diplomatically said, Bert's a fucking retard. I don't have an idea yet. And he goes, that's right, you can just give me a handjob. 100%. Dude.

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They're the best. S-A-A-T-V-A dot com slash the shit. Get yourself a mattress. Great news, everyone. Bert isn't here. Usually you have to sit through someone's buffoonery talking their nonsense. And luckily for all of us, he has something called intestinal cysts. So he's getting those addressed. I know. But the great news is that in his place is somebody who you actually want to hear speak.

Give it up for Colin Quinn, everybody. Thank you. Yeah. I'm so excited you're here, man. This is awesome that you're here, dude. We usually don't get good comics. So you're in town. You're doing the mothership. I'm doing the mothership. You're experiencing Austin. I know you're looking at real estate. You're probably going to buy a place. No, not since Tim Dillon fled. Tim Dillon fled and then came back. Oh, he did? He came back. Oh, yeah.

He fucking, by the way, he hosed me. That motherfucker. He did. So he moves here first. And I go, hey, man, so how is it? Because I'm looking. This is a couple years ago. And he goes, it's amazing. It's great. You're going to love it. It's awesome. Gives me the whole pitch. And I'm saying he's like the reason. But he did do a convincing thing. Of course. I moved here.

like six months later i'm like how's it going he's like i'm getting the fuck out of here i go why he goes there's like one sushi place i gotta get out of here and he fucking bails but then he's like then he i don't know he has like six houses now so yeah he does he's got one in new york and long island i mean he's just uh he's got one in europe he's got he does yeah yeah he's doing all right

Right. But this is like a real treat because, like I said, we usually have morons and you're here and you actually are, you're your whole, you know, you are the person who like everybody, we all, whether you like it or not, we all, you're this person who I would be nervous to do stand up in front of. Like if we were doing a set tonight, I would look at my set list and I would be like,

And then I would look at you and I'd be like, I can't do this. Why? Because, because. Because I'm a judgmental person? You're judgmental. You're a harsh critic. No, it's just because you, there are comics where you go like, if you feel like something is like, eh, that'll get a laugh, but it's not.

You go, I am not doing that in front of him. Well, yeah, but I mean, I don't... Look, I never... What I judge people on nowadays, at least, I mean, I judge people on... There's two things I hate the most. Tell me. I hate false humility where...

A bad example would be somebody going, and I mean, I'm ugly. And it's like, you're not ugly. Right, right, right. You're good looking. Right, right. You know, I like real assessments of how you look. You know what I mean? They might say, what about ugly people that think they're good looking? That's another weird thing. It doesn't bother me. Yeah. Right. That's not because. It's deluded, but it doesn't bother me. Right. You know, you just feel like, ooh. But I hate false humility, which is a big thing. Yes. Where people are pretending to be, you know. And I hate humility.

pandering slash scolding. I guess it's sort of a lecture-pander combination. Uh-huh. And you know, that style of, that school. Yes. Those two drive me crazy. And there's people doing both of those things quite a bit. Yeah. I actually stopped somebody one time, a woman, a female comic, who was like,

She was on stage and one of her jokes, she was like, someone said to me, what are you, a model? And I was like, blah, blah, blah. And when she got up, I go, by the way, you can't do that. And she was like, well, I go, because you're too good looking. I go, it's actually, you're not even average looking. I go, people think that you could be a model. This is absurd. I couldn't even help myself to tell her. I was like, you can't do that. It doesn't work. You don't get that one. Right. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah. The pandering, though, is...

Oh, it's just infuriating. So that's really what bugs me the most. You know what I mean? I know people do whatever they do. You know what I mean? Yeah, sure. But certain things just inflame you in a certain way. And it's the real, you know, kind of... I'll use the word, even though I'm Bert Seedy, probably never heard it, cloying, that I don't like. Bert doesn't know that word. No, Bert doesn't know it. No, no, no. The cloying is...

It irks you. I love Bert. You know, Bert was doing that tour last year. Yeah. And they said, Bert wants you to come and do a couple of guest spots on the tour. Yeah. And my manager, my agent, they're both like, Bert wants you to come. These are great tours. I go, I'm not going to do Bert's. Look, here's the thing about comedy.

I love Burt. But I'm saying it's like anything else. Not everybody has the same audience. No, they don't. You know what I mean? That's just, nobody even thinks about this. Like, hey, you're exposed to a different audience. Yeah. An audience is going to be like, first of all, they probably have a vague idea who I am. They're not interested. I'm not interested. Everybody go their separate way. You know what I mean?

So when you see Bird, tell him, thank you. Stop making offers. I'm not going to be saying no the rest of my life. By the way, just so you know, I have rejected everything he's ever... I feel bad. He goes, dude, you know we have the same audience, right? And I go, no, we fucking don't. No, we don't.

He talked about his fucking cruise, his Burt cruise. And he was like, the cruise. I go, can I tell you something? He goes, don't worry. I already told them not to send you an offer. I go, you could send me the gross of the cruise, the entire cruise, and I would turn it down. I mean, I love it. I love it. But it's just, there's different things going on there. You know what I mean? That's a nice way of saying it. Yeah, but I'm just saying. There are different things going on there. Yeah.

It's just, everyone's got their, you know, everybody's got this idea that like all comedy is an audience. My favorite part, I'm sorry, of the last few minutes though, is that you've very kind of like diplomatically said, Bert's a fucking retard. No, I'm not. Yeah, kind of. No, he's dumb that he doesn't know what cluing is. But,

Look, but I mean, no, I'm literally saying that most people in the industry don't seem to understand that there's different audiences for different comedians. Agents don't. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. They think exposure, it's not, you've got to have different audiences. It's not one big thing, you know? And none of us are above that.

I'm not doing fake humility. None of us are above taking money for things. But there are times when you've done stand-up long enough where you get an offer for something and it's like, I'm not shaking my head at the money. But you go, is this...

Is the exchange of this money worth what I know this experience will be? And then you go like, these are not equal. That's 100% right. And you can't believe you're not going to take the money. But you're like, damn it, damn it. But the problem is when you do take the money...

That month beforehand is ruined. Yeah, it is. Your whole life is ruined because your stomach hurts because you're like, I know I'm going to this thing. It's not going to be pretty. And I'll go ahead and say, when I did the Home Builders Association of Northern Kentucky, it was a terrible idea. It's one of the most horrific, traumatizing experiences of my life. That's one of the greatest comedy audiences, Northern Kentucky contractors. Can I tell you too, it's almost like,

This was more than 10 years ago. And it's almost like I knew when the call came, because I was dealing with the person. And it was a referral from a family member. And she goes, I saw. It's even worse, because then they get the word back. They get the. She goes, I saw. You're so funny. And I was like, hey, I just wanted to, you know, do you think that this crowd. And I know what the answer is. Right, right. But I want it to be like, it's going to be great.

She's like, it's going to be great. And I go, OK, OK. And then I work out the details. And I go to this place. And it's in Covington, Kentucky, right across from Cincinnati. Sure. It's at a country club. And I walk into the room. And I see the people. And I'm like, I mean, I don't even have a fan base. But I'm like, this definitely is not them. And then I'm like, ugh. And then she's like, you ready to go? And I go, can I get a microphone?

And she was like, yeah, we'll get one up there. Just go ahead and get started. And I was like, oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, no. And so one of them just went up like, you know, hey, everybody. Yeah, put that down. Ready for your entertainment? Yeah.

And they go, Tom, come on up here. And I go up there and I'm like this, like, you know, hands free. And I'm like, how's everybody doing? And they're just, you know. Yeah. And this is also their celebration. So part of you feels like I get that this is your night. You're supposed to be enjoying your nights. And then as I'm talking, someone hands me the mic.

Oh, this is better. And the sound comes on. This is better. Right. And then I just see a guy. And I'm doing the act that I know. I only have one fucking thing I can do. Right, right, right. And it's just...

And then as I get off, I was like, I know that didn't work. She was like, yeah, that didn't, that wasn't good. And I was like, thank you. Oh no, I've had horrifying. What I finally learned about those kind of shows, those, whatever they're called, is I always, I always do this. I leave, I go a day early.

I go through all their seminars. Seriously? Yep. I get up there. I just did one about a month and a half ago in South Carolina. I literally, I'll sit there with a podium with my laptop and spend the, I just did one. And I'll go over the speakers they sat through for the past day. I'll sit at all the seminar and I'm writing notes and I trash every speaker, everything that was said. Oh. I kill people.

But I mean kill for 20 minutes, but it's only 20 minutes. Yeah. And then I go in my act and like, eh, then I'm out. And they just work the crowd. Yeah. Because they, like you said, they're there. This is their business. Yeah. They don't want a stand-up show. Right. No. They're not there. They're there to talk to each other. Talk about Pete from fucking accounting. Yeah. Exactly. So either you work the crowd...

And even that barely works or do like the stuff that I do. I actually go ball. But I'm not even looking at them. I'm looking at the laptop and it works so great. Dude, so. But then the rest of it's not, you know. That's an amazing tactic. And also it shows that like it doesn't matter how long you've been doing it. If you get something like that, you still got to do the work. You got to do the work if you want it to go. If you want it to go up. Yeah. Yeah.

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With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. This just popped into my head. I wasn't thinking about this today, but wasn't there a story about you...

performing at like De Niro's birthday or something? Oh my God. I mean, it's my, it's my, my most beloved, uh, saddest story. So it was this thing where De Niro, his wife calls me up. This is, no matter how long you've been in business, every mistake in comedy I made, you didn't make it. Yeah. Like the lady with the mic, this was me doing that. Right. So she goes, De Niro, Bob's having a 60th birthday party. You do a De Niro impression, which I really didn't, but I, maybe I did a half as one, but yeah,

She goes, could you come down and just do the impression? So you ever see Ralph Cramner when he goes, I'm going straight for the $99,000 answer. You ever watch The Honeymoon? I go, I'll do better than that. I'll do an act. And even she goes like this, like, all right. I mean, we just want the impression. I go, I'll do. Trust me. She's like, all right. So right away, so I write an act, a 20-minute act. It's all on paper. You can't memorize an act in three days of 20 minutes specific to one person. I write it all out.

about De Niro, but it's got, it's, it's, when I look back on it,

I go show up. There's Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg. There's Irwin Winkler, this big producer of all the movies. There's Jazz Pomatteri. There's Christopher Walken. All these guys are there, you know, all these big names. Yeah. And this is at a restaurant? At a restaurant called Le Cirque, the fanciest restaurant in New York at the time. And it's right across the St. Patrick's Cathedral. And so once again, now part one mistake, she told you do the impression, get out. Right. And I got to be a big shot. Yeah.

But in my mind, I'm like, you know what? This is my time. I was doing great at standup. I was feeling my oats. I was like, this is going to finally put me where Scorsese, De Niro, and these guys are going to go. This is the missing link for our later move. Why don't we know about this guy? You know, because I'm from New York. I'm just like in my mind, in the back of my mind, it was my, you know. And then I go up there. She goes, I'll introduce you.

No, don't introduce me. Don't introduce me. Don't. I got it. Well, what am I, stupid? Yeah. I mean, of all. And I go, I'll just go up. So I have to interrupt dinner. They're eating. I lay out my notes. I get the mic. And Robin Williams, who was there, goes to me. Yeah. He goes, suddenly I'm eating. And I look up and I see you talking to a microphone. I go, what's Conley Quinn doing? He's a comedian. And he's wondering what's going on.

So I start getting a cry. I go, hi, how you doing? I'm not really a friend of De Niro. Again, the crowd's like, why would a non-friend be here at his birthday? And I go, but I see his movies and I make a few roast jokes. So I go, hey, how did you prepare? You always prepare for your movies. How did you prepare for whatever movie it was? By looking in front of the mirror and apologizing to the audience for wasting our money? The crowd's like, oh, okay.

And I go, hey, you gained weight for Raging Bull and you put on some weight for Untouchables. And I go, maybe you're not really an actor. You're just a fat fuck. Oh. So crowds turning on me. So I'm bombing. Like that was the, my first page was all roast jokes. Yeah, sure. I had four pages.

So I do roast jokes. So then the crowd's turning. So then I go, I start freewheeling because I got Chris Walken and those guys were over there. And I go, hey, I just stopped playing because I didn't know they'd be there. But I'm like, get off De Niro. I go, hey, Harvey Keitel, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you make yourself at home? Take your pants off. Crowds just look at me. He's looking at me. I go, Chris Walken, why are you here? You should be doing a cameo in an unwatchable independent movie. Crowds just looking at me.

So now I know I'm bombing with the roast jokes. So I go into. You're like, let me switch it up. Yeah, I try to switch it up. So I go to my next page. I'm shuffling papers. Oh, no. So that was such good. I'm telling you, this crowd is dead silent. I interrupted a meal of laughs. You know what I mean? Because they're like the Kentucky thing. Yeah. They're at their party, too. Yeah, it's their party. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not even his friend. They don't know me.

So I start going into this other, this horrible story of my friend who... I'm embarrassed to even tell. My friend who, he died, but before, but he'd seen Taxi Driver. And when we were growing up and he started describing Taxi Driver to me and how, you know, how strange it was that he was mentioning Taxi Driver. But then at the end of it going, then he died. And it was like this...

It was terrible. And then are you seeing Bob just like... What's that? No. Bob's like looking like he's going, you know, like, keep going, like he's trying to support. He's horrified. People are like muttering, like, you know, it's getting ugly, you know. Yeah. And then people are like, like a couple of ladies are yelling out. Then I start doing, especially during the roast jokes, you know. Then I start doing this other thing where I'm doing, like...

from, I can't even remember. Thank God I don't have those papers because if I did, I'd have to perform it again. You have to. You have to. But it was so bad and it just ended so ugly and I left and my suit was soaked with sweat. Yeah. And I walk outside and Robin Williams came out and he goes, Carly, because I know him a little bit, and he goes, oh, he

He's just laughing. He goes, oh. I was like, look. I had another gig that night. It was kind of rainy. So I have this new cashmere sweater on a hanger. And I go, I don't. And the cashmere sweater flew off the hanger and went in the gutter. And a cab ran it over in the rain. And he just cried with laughter. He couldn't believe it.

Dude, okay, first of all, that's fucking amazing. When you bomb, this is like universal for a comedian, especially an event like that. You know, there's the internal, like just shame. Usually you want to...

be alone for a moment but then the thing is you always want to you have to tell somebody right do you remember who you told first like well I mean well obviously Robin walks out but I mean was there somebody else who you went to one of your friends right away and you're like well I luckily I did have a show that night oh so you could wash it off kind of so I washed it off to a degree but and then years later I'm like oh I make that story into more than it was De Niro's like

He's done a hundred million things. He doesn't remember that bullshit. So I saw him outside the cellar when he was doing that horrendous comedy movie, you know, and he's there and he's with the wife and Jim Norton is there. And so we're talking for a couple of minutes outside the cellar, you know, and then Jim Norton goes, Hey, remember the time he bombed at your birthday party? And both of their faces, Jim even said, he said they were so dark, they darkened.

And it must have been like this thing they hated that they never speak of. It changed the whole energy. We just walked away. So he definitely remembers that. He remembered that? Yeah. I mean, him and the wife both. Sure. And then did she ever talk to you again? Did she ever? Because she's the one that asked you to do it. No, no, no. I never would have asked her to talk to me. It was the worst. Carson Palmer was a quarterback for the Bengals. Yeah, I know.

So they know I'm from Cincinnati and his team reaches out and they're like, we have a big private event in Orange County. He's from California. We want to possibly work with a Cincinnati guy. Can we come see you? So they basically, his team comes and watch me at the Irvine Improv. Great show. Like, great show. This is like, again, I don't know, like 10 years ago.

So they're like, they pulled me aside after and they're like, Hey, we're doing this, uh, this, uh, private event on, you know, next Tuesday at this place. We'd love for you to host it. And I was like, fuck yeah, dude, that'd be awesome. And they're like, it's gonna be like a bunch of NFL players. I was like, Oh, this is the shit. And they're like, you know, you're Cincinnati guy. He'd love that. I was like, great. And they're like, and then the next day there's a golf outing.

And I was like, I'm not really a go. They're like, believe me, you want to come. It's going to be fucking fun. And I was like, okay, cool. So the night of the event, it's at this like very chic sushi place where there's a restaurant in the front. And then in the back room, it's like,

to throw a party, so there's only tables around the side and the center's empty. There's a big table that's in front of it, sushi, DJ playing over here. And when you walk in, it looks like a hot person's party. You know what I mean? Like, you're like, oh, somebody who is hot is having a party. Everyone, all the girls are just like, and they're Orange County, like they're smoking hot. Yeah.

And I'm seeing NFL players left and right walking around. I'm like, oh, this is dope, dude. And then they're like, all right, like 15 minutes. And I was like, and then I go, what's the thing? They're like, so you do, you know, you go up there, do like 15 minutes, do your thing, 15, 20 minutes. Then like, you'll bring up this guy, you'll bring up that guy, and then you bring up Carson. And then, then you kind of just wrap it up.

And then tomorrow there's the golf thing. And I go, oh, okay. And they go, I go, what? I go, so the golf thing. And they go, look, the only way you're not going to the golf thing is if you're not invited to the golf thing. And that's not happening. And I was like, okay. So I go up there and here's the thing. When you walk into a packed room, it's loud, right? Yes. When I grabbed the mic, none of the volume in the room changes. Like you go like, oh, we're starting now. Start tapping it. I go, we're starting now.

hello and then i look at the guy and he was like and i go what do you mean i go like don't no one is listening not like a right they're still like you're having the party so i was like hello i start to say shit i'm like you guys are fucking rude right and i'm thinking that oh no it'll gather it'll just garner attention no dude nothing changes

So after a minute, I'm looking at him. I'm like, I don't know. Cause they're like, it's yours. It's your thing. I go, you have to like, it's gotta, we gotta stop. Yes. So I finally am like, all right. I go, all right, you guys aren't going to listen. Blah, blah, blah. I just, I start doing an act. I don't even, I'm not doing like riff stuff. I'm just doing an act. There's like four people here that are facing me. So I just perform to them. And as I'm performing to them, one of them is a kid.

And I'm like, I'm going through the act and I'm like doing stuff that I'm like, yeah, that's probably not for kids, but you know, he's here. And at one point I'm like, do you know who I am to the kid? And he's like, and I go, I'm Brett Favre. And, and he's like, you see his face change. Like, he's like, like that. And I was like, yeah, I'll sign it. Like, so he believes it. He's not getting the joke of it. And, and,

And so I finally, I'm like, wow, this is, it's not even, it doesn't feel like regular bombing because there's still nobody. It's like, I try to do standup at a, at a, uh, like a disco, like at night, like a nightclub. Yeah. Like, like almost like there's music on except there's no music on. So when I finally, I'm like, I turned to the guy, I'm like, dude, I don't know what you want me to do. I'm like, blah, blah, blah. I bring someone else up. Someone else comes up. It's the same. And when I finally go, ladies and gentlemen, Carson Palmer, they all stop.

And they look at the stage, dead silent. And I'm like, this is amazing. Wow. Like, they all, like, 250 people just stopped. Wow. I bring him on stage. He says some bullshit. He gets off. I'm like, continue your night. And I'm, like, sour about it. I'm like, this is awesome.

I'm in the bathroom and like this running back for the Bengals at the time, I forget his name. He goes, Dan, that was rough for you, huh? And I was like, yeah. He was like, how'd you get? He was like, what's that feel like? I'm like, well, no one was listening. I go, so it doesn't feel like a regular bomb. Right. And then I'm like, all right, well, at least I got through this in some way. It feels terrible. And then they were like, yeah, we'll let you know about the golf thing.

I'm like, it's tomorrow though. They're like, yeah, someone will reach out. Oh my God. And I didn't get invited. I didn't get to go. They disinvited you. They disinvited me. Somebody was listening, but you were insulting them. Yeah. They were like, no, no, this guy's not coming. Yeah. But I mean, it's set up for failure. That was a failure set up. A lot of these things, I'll tell you the best thing, which again, I've done enough of these gigs where I know, is when, believe it or not, when you're performing in the morning.

You'd think that would be the worst time. It's the best time. Is it really? Yes.

Because they're there, they're bored by the speakers, you get up, you're trashing everybody that has been boring them this whole time. Yeah, sure. And they love it. And they're not drunk. Yeah. Once they start drinking, it's an office party. Drinking changes everything. They're talking to each other. I haven't seen this person in years talking to these people. Oh, my God. They're not in the mood for this stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I feel like all the years of, like,

the six, seven show club gigs has really made a disdain for alcoholics or like for drunk behavior. Yes. I hate them. I can be in a non-performance setting and when someone's drunk, I just start to go like, I just want to get the fuck out of here. You know, like that loud, obnoxious shit. Yeah. Because you perform to it and you realize there's like, there's almost no way to defeat it at a certain point. Well, even the Lauren Boebert thing the other day, as much as I respect-

her giving the guy a handjob and him feeling rough. I respect that. But the fact that they're in a play and instead of watching the play, they're like, it just reminds me of everything I hate in comedy. About drunks. Yeah, yeah. Those idiots are like, hey, go outside. What are you doing? Yeah.

The show's getting ruined for everybody around you. Where was this? I didn't even know this. Oh, this is like a Beetlejuice. They were doing like the musical Beetlejuice. So they're doing a play. Yeah. So apparently she goes in there with the guy, you know, they're vaping. Pull that up. But they're doing all the things that you hate in an audience member. Wow. So that's her and that's him. At the edge here? Right. Yeah. And so see, so they're getting along good, you know. Yeah.

So the lady behind her, she had a conflict with the lady behind her because she was vaping. You're not supposed to vape at the show. Oh, here she goes. Can you not vape? Can you not vape? And she's like, yeah, give me a moment. Now here they go. She's like, taking pictures at the show. Oh, you're watching a play. Look at everybody else. Yeah, yeah, of course. It's super disrespectful. And now...

The dick comes out? No, she grabs his dick, but it doesn't come out. Look, I respect that part. Maybe they're not showing it. Oh, they didn't show that part. Now they asked her to leave. Her and the guy. He's grabbing his head. She's grabbing his dick the whole time. Wow. Isn't that crazy? That is crazy. But it just reminded me of all the things in the audience where you're like, that's that couple. Because this is the equivalent of...

Hey, could you keep it down? And they're like, I'm talking to my daughter right now. Like, will they tell you what? And you're like, yeah, I don't care who you're talking. You're talking in the showroom.

I've had people in the front row be like, we're talking about our plans for later. And you're like, oh, that's great. When you face an attitude, it's exactly how they are. Yeah, that's exactly what they do. They're matter of fact about it. How dare you? You see what's going on here. Now he understands. And then they're so entitled. It's all entitlement. But it's also, let me explain this.

I'm sick. I've been, this has been a bane of my existence since I started in this business. If you went to any other business and you, and the owner watched four people ruin the night for 200 of his customers to the point where most of them won't ever come back and

They would be yanked out and thrown out. Yeah. In comedy, they're like, hey, let them see where they go. Because half the owners have the same mentality as those idiots. A thousand percent. Yeah. It's so crazy. It's so crazy. I mean, I remember one time at a club where the guy was like,

The crowd was so disrespectful to the feature. Yes. And there's this thing about you too, where you get like protective, right? Yes. And I was like, hey, what the fuck to the club? And they're like, you know, it's a customer. And I was like, what are you doing? That's a customer? Yeah. Like they go, well, you know, and then they wanted to fire my feature act.

for shitting on them. And I was like, I go, you get rid of him. I'm not coming for the rest of the shows. And they were like, well, you know, and it's because the guy, he just cared about food and beverage. He didn't care about what happens on stage. He was like, those people bought food and drinks. Yeah, but they're so dumb because in the long run, their clubs closed because-

150 people are not enjoying the show. They haven't hit these people all the time. They don't get it. It's unbelievable though. Yeah. Cause if it was any other, if it was a restaurant even. Yeah. They'd be like, these four people are ruining the night for everybody. Get them out. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Any other business. Yeah. Well then, then in the club, they also could be like super insane people in there and they go, we're just laughing. And you're like, well, you're not though. No, you're not. They're all, they're laughing. Yes. You're doing a whole other thing. Oh,

It's infuriating. It's really crazy. And that, by the way, because the Broadway thing we just saw there, you are more dialed into that because you actually do those shows. You perform not just stand-up in clubs, but you do one-man shows. I do theaters and one-man shows, sure. Yeah. I mean, but it's the same thing with less of that. Yeah, right. But I'm saying there is... Everybody kind of knows that when you walk into...

A theater, a Broadway show, a musical. There's a different level of decorum respect that you're supposed to watch the show with. Sadly, by the way, it shouldn't be that way. Stand-up should be getting the same respect. It should be. I should be. And I'll tell you what the problem is. I figured this all out. It's because your table is you're facing each other. Yes. It's crazy.

A theater, you're facing straight ahead. Here's the show. Your tables face each other. That's a nonverbal way of saying, yeah, the show's part of it and part of it. And there are actual clubs where you see some people watch the stage like this. It's nice. Let me get one of those chicken fingers. Yeah, it's really crazy. Well, one of the reasons the Comedy Cellar has always been my favorite and such a great club is because...

They, this is back in the eighties. They said, if you're a table of more than I think five or six, we separate you. And they said that in the eighties, they got, and people were like, well, we're together. They go, we don't care. You're separated. If you want to come, if you don't want to come, that's fine. That is amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing.

Yeah, my all-time biggest bomb was I was booed offstage was with Christmas parties because it was groups of like 40 and 50, like all in sections. And when I talked, me and the owner talked about it at length because we'd both never seen anything like it. But I was like, one of the contributing factors is that these were mobs. They weren't...

Yeah. There was 50 people that knew each other here. Yes. And 50 people that I go. So once one of them was like.

I don't like this. They all just kind of got together. No, it is. It is an interesting, weird mob mentality thing that happens. Mob rule. Yeah. And it's the internet's like that too. And, but yeah. Yeah. The internet is, is exactly. It's a great. Now, how did you go? Because I remember, you know, dude, it's so crazy. Like how long I've seen you in different things. Like I remember you on MTV. Yeah.

You were just a little boy, weren't you? I was kind of a little boy. And also, what's sad for like... This is old man shit to say, but I'm actually like... Some things you get bummed, you go, you don't understand how great it was. So like MTV was the coolest place in the world, period. If you were a teenager, like it...

It was, it was like the hosts, you just waited for these cool music videos that were so, you know, sometimes they were deliberately bad. Sometimes they were accidentally bad. Sometimes they were the coolest thing you've ever fucking thing. And you'd sit around and,

Round the clock, if you had any moment you would just put on MTV and you'd be seeing the best music, the best video. It was just fucking like... It was in the background at all times. It was the epicenter of pop culture and coolness. It was all there. It was, even though when I came in, I trashed the jukebox selection. You did? Yeah. I just scanned a couple of the songs and I was like, I rocked the Kazba. What's going on here? But I understand now that was your childhood and it's very important. Actually, that's my wife. Yeah.

Uh-oh, don't tell Christine. Yeah. Make sure you cut this. Oh, boy. And send it to her. She's going to go nuts. Yeah, that's her problem. You got trashed by Colin Quinn. So, no, but so you're there. But MTV was amazing. It was the shit, dude. MTV, I've told this before, but MTV.

Me and Ken And he came to me and he goes He was out I forget where he was I was in New York We were like very parochial at the time And she goes I was just out somewhere And he goes

mobs of kids came up to me. He's at a college or something. He goes, mobs of kids came up to me and I just wasn't paying attention. But I had a gig that a couple of days later at Missouri in middle of Missouri. I still remember Dennis Weaver drive. You get off the plane, Dennis Weaver drive. I don't know what school that is, but so I get off and they drive me to the gig and

And my act, I was only doing it for like two and a half years. So my whole act was like, hey, if you take the six train, the four train actually, right? And it was like, yeah, you know, it was very local. Yeah. And I see this college and I go, oh, shoot, what else is here? I'm going to do comedy. I've never done anything but a little club because there's a line of 3,000 people. So I go, what else is going on tonight? And they go-

I go, what? And I just forgot it. I go up. They're there to see me. Wow. I'm petrified. Now, luckily, I just worked a crowd at that point. I was just like, I'm just going to work this crowd because little kids are there with their parents. But it was 3,000 people. And as you say, MTV was so respected. We would go to Florida like spring break every

nbc all these camera people these kids didn't care when mtv showed up they all would on their best behavior they wanted to be on yeah that it really was like the thing about it too at the time like you know it's become like hey do you want to see like six drunk fucking uh right right half hot bodies hey i don't know it's just like it's this weird reality thing now right but

Whatever kind of music you liked, you had a moment. That's the thing about it. That's right. It was like top 40 stuff. That was your thing. You would have it if you wanted like headbanger, metal shit, rap. Like it all had its moment. And you were just waiting for like whatever you wanted to see there. But you did that. That had to feel crazy. But then I always ask this whenever I meet anybody that works on the show. Because to me, I guess...

I just feel like it has to be terrifying, and maybe I'm wrong, but to get a gig on SNL, like, is it so intimidating to start there? No, but I was older, and I came in there as a writer. You know what I mean? So it was kind of a weird time. Like, when I look back at those people from those years, it was amazing. Like, Will Ferrell and Tina Fey. Yeah, it's a great cast. These people are all, like, very big. You know what I mean? And Sherry O'Terry. I mean, Sherry O'Terry used to...

I mean, in some ways, she really, her characters that first year imprinted in a way that was very important. And Lorne knew it, even if we didn't. Yeah. So, you know what I mean? Sherry's great. He'd be, write another cheerleader this week. Everybody's like, what? He already did that. He understood, like, people want to grab onto something. But anyway, so, yeah, it was...

It's one of these places that, you know, all the good things and all the bad things about it, yes. It's all the way it is. But it's like every other job except that it's this dream in comedy. Right. But it's the same as any dynamic. People go, oh, there's a lot of backstabbing. There was no more backstabbing there, in my opinion, than at any job in history. Entertainment job, yeah. Any job anywhere. Yeah. In a bar. But I'm just saying-

I always use a bar as an example because I work at restaurants. But I'm saying any office is just the way it is. You know what I mean? And it wasn't overly...

But it is the dream. So, and, and remember when, when I was there, it was all, the show was out to get canceled. Yeah. So this whole new crew was kind of like, and everybody gets along, but you know, you get, after a couple of years, you see, I mean, we saw each other every day for years, but it's like comedy. So if me and you are both hanging out in the comedy store, the cellar, uh, comedy mothership for months together, uh,

And then suddenly I'm doing another gig and we haven't seen each other for two years. Yeah. And we saw each other every night. Yeah, yeah. It's a weird business in that way. It's a weird way. Yeah, it is. Like you get your best friends and then you're like, oh, yeah, I used to hang out with that guy. I haven't seen him in three years. And then the weird thing about that is that like you're working with each other, you're seeing each other at night. And then there is also the chance that like there's an off day, off night, and you're going to call one of those people and be like, you want to go get something to eat?

Yeah. And so like you're hanging out with them again. Yes. Yeah. And then when they're gone, they're gone. Yeah. But they say movies are like that. Like all the people that do movies. Oh yeah. They fall in love. They have this thing. Everybody's best friends. I love that person. And then they never see him again. Yeah. I did a few small movies. Yeah. And what I got was that to the 10th, like where everybody was so intensely like, I

I love you. Yes. But like genuine affection. Yeah. People would hug you and like hold on to you. Yes. And then let's all exchange information. Yes. And the thing is they're texting you while you're doing the movie. Yeah.

And then the movie ends and you don't get any texts. No. And I'm the same way as them. I'm the same way. But the worst is, or the funniest, I guess, if you're in the early part of the movie, so you're there for the first three weeks, but they're shooting for two months. Yeah. And two weeks, it's a love fest. We love you. Oh my God. Everybody loves you. Then if you have one more day to come back, you have to go shoot near the end. Everyone's like, hey. How's it going, man? Yeah.

You haven't met everybody else that we like more. It just shows life. Yeah, yeah. I guess it's some life lesson there. It is kind of a life lesson. I also think it's a big deal. You said that the intimidation factor for getting an SNL gig has to go down once you're older. In other words, if you get it at 22, that's got to be fucking...

Blow you away. Yeah. But once you have some chops, and you also just have more life experience, you're a little more grounded. Yeah. And I wouldn't even know if I was more grounded, but being a writer there is a different animal, too. When I was a writer there, it was a different animal. How long were you writing before you were on camera? About a year, a year and a half. Okay. Did you like doing that or no? I liked it, but I used to... Oh, God, I used to get in arguments because I was always...

I mean, maybe it's just being a comedian, but I was always like, I know it's funny. Yeah. So like the guest host would be there and I'd be like, you're saying that line wrong. But I, I mean, I try to be polite about it, but I was definitely saying it willfully. Yeah. Like, you know, writers have a certain couth. Yes. And directors. Yes. Where they treat performers well.

a little bit delicately. Yeah. But when you're a performer, you're cocky, or at least I feel. Yeah. And you're like, hey, I'm a performer too. And that dynamic doesn't work. No. They don't like you telling them, hey, that's wrong. You know, you could do like just the pushy, the willfulness of my interaction, my connection with them. They don't like that shit. Yeah. That's for directors. That's why directors and writers are,

So talented. Sure. Because they deal with performers without pissing them off all the time. Sure, sure. But would people actually snap back? Yeah, Chris Walken snapped at me once. He did? Yeah. Was it because of the birthday party? It was before the party. Oh, really? He was probably happy that I was following that party. You said something like, do it like this? No, I just said, look, I told you about that sketch. Yeah.

So I started to describe the sketch I was going to pitch again. He goes, you told me already. I go, yeah, well, I'm telling you again because it seems like you forgot. He just looked at me with hate. He looked at me like this. And a couple of people I had just those interactions with. Yeah. Who was... I asked Al Franken when he was here. Who was the worst person you ever... Whoever guest hosted in your time there? Well, I mean, you know...

I mean, I'll tell you my favorite first, which is Sting. I love Sting. Really? And not just me. Everybody loves Sting. All the girls are in love with him. All the guys, even the guys are like, everybody loves Sting. That's the way it is. It's just the aura, the energy he puts out. He's just the greatest connected guy. Like he talks to everybody. He's not trying to be charming. He's not like, I'm connecting with you. He's just like...

It's hard to describe, but it's like... I mean, young women, they all loved him. Everybody loved him. When I was there, I would say, you know, I had conflicts with...

I hate to say because Madeline Kahn died, but I had a little conflict with her. I really loved her comedic thing, but she took my sketch. Me and her had a little argument over my sketch. Really? And then she ended up sabotaging it. Wait, she was working there? No, she was just the guest host. And you guys argued over the sketch? We argued over my sketch. And then I saw the look in her eyes. And then she goes, I know what I'll do to this guy. She was a real pro. And she just did it.

just a beat off on each thing so that it bombed at dress rehearsal and they you know they cut half the show at dress rehearsal and she like she gave me a good lesson she's like oh you want to play games huh really and so had you been you've been butting heads during the yeah we butted heads a few times me and her wow yeah it was kind of a you know dick in certain ways as far as you know

I was like, you know, I just thought my, I thought my sketches were, you know, like from being a standup, I'm like, I say it this way, you know, I don't know what you're doing, but you know, oh my God. Instead of like writers have to be a little more, they have a, even if it's fake, there's only, that's why you see showrunners become like,

Because they let all the anger out for all the writers. Right, right. But writers have to be more subservient to the performer to get them to do stuff the way they want them. Yeah. But you're also, there are people who write who are just writers. Right. You had the thing where you're like, I am a performer. Exactly. I came in there like, we're equals. And it's like, no, you're not. Yeah, yeah. So, you know. Anybody else that's memorably terrible? I mean, pfft.

People always say Chevy, but I was there when Chevy hosted. And I mean, he was crazy, but it was kind of funny. Like, I didn't think it was, I mean, he was, today people would be horrified. I understand that. Give me an example. What's like, what was crazy about him? Like, he goes, like when people are pitching ideas. And this is like around the room. So Lorne is talking to us and he's behind Lorne going like this the whole time.

doing faces and making body like these weird things. And then one of the female writers goes, I don't have a, I don't have an idea yet. And he goes, that's right. You can just give me a hand job. It's like,

But it was like trying to be funny, but it was kind of funny. That's pretty funny, man. But I mean, but it's just, you know. The difference is right now, everyone would be like that. Oh, yeah. And if he just did it to women, that would be one thing. But he was insulting everybody all the time. Really? But it was kind of funny the way he does it. You know, it's really...

uncalled for one time I was on the show and I was warming up the crowd beforehand and he just walked in and the crowd went crazy Chevy Chase he walked in he's like this I'm warming up and he just says just waves waves and they're all going nuts and he goes he leans into me and he goes I just did that to fuck you up and walked off that's pretty funny though man that's funny the thing about I don't know what this says about me but all the things you're saying like if I'm in that room

I have a smile. I find it endearing. It is endearing, but he would like to screw up the sketches. Oh, really? But it is funny, but he's like a little kid. One time I was at Aspen Comedy Festival, 8 in the morning. 8 in the morning. Everyone's getting their cars to get out. It's the last day. Been there all week.

And Chevy's there with his wife and his kids. He's a real family man too. Wife and his kids. And the valet guys had cowboy hats at Aspen at this hotel. He goes, who are you? Hop along, Cassie. Give me that fucking thing. And he takes the hat and just starts dancing around, singing in the driveway while the cars are 8 in the morning. It was like this. And he's making fun of the guy and just busting his balls.

And it was kind of funny. Yeah. And the guy was laughing and I was laughing because I was like, this guy's like 50 years old. He's out of his mind. And he's out of his mind. And his kids are standing there looking like, this is our dad. We see this all day. Yeah. We don't give a shit. We don't feel embarrassed. So it was kind of funny. Yeah. But yeah. But I heard he can go over the top, but...

there was something about him that's he's like a hyperactive guy I guess you know yeah one of I mean this is not obviously the same but one of my friends growing up his dad was one of these like outrageous dads like that right and um like I remember one of the first times that I I'm hanging out with my friend at school and then I go to his house and his uh his dad was like are you here to see my little girl and I was like uh

what? And he, he doesn't have a little, it's his son. And I was like, yeah, cause I didn't know yet. Right. And then, and then he goes, he likes to, and then he had a cell phone, the old cell phone with the antenna that's permanently up. And he goes, here's my son. He's playing with his little dick. But he's doing this in front of his son and his friends. Yes. We're howling as friends. We're teenagers. Yes. And my friend's like looking at me. He's like,

are you amused? This is, this is my life. This is what, this is every day. And I was like,

I go, yeah, dude, it's pretty fucking fantastic. I loved it. Yeah. But it is that energy. Yeah. It's not like a witty, it's just a guy that just commits in this crazy way. Yeah. But won't stop. He won't stop. Yeah. But I wonder, I would love to hear the history of all the times he's done it. Because he was just doing, when he was doing that at the outside of the hotel, there weren't a lot of people around. Yeah. I just happened to be coming out and maybe a couple other people. He wasn't performing for anybody except-

his family, himself, and those two valets. See, there's a part of that that you got to go like, man, however you want to, like, that's kind of the purest comedian. Like the guy who goes, I'm here to make

jokes and get laughs in whoever's around right you know like that's a true silliness factor to that like that's right right like who's watching the valet i'm just gonna make him laugh well that was robin williams for all his faults and there were plenty yeah he was a guy that would grab anybody and just work them yeah like you know any stranger on the street would be like oh my god yeah

Yeah, that's like childlike almost, right? Yeah. Those guys can keep that silliness. Yeah. Yeah, mine went away a long time ago. Oh, I never had it, yeah. I like to bust balls, but...

You know what I mean? But in a different way. I love busting balls on people when they, you know. Yeah, sure. In the streets and stuff. But not silly. More like. The silly stuff. Because also there's something about that type of silliness where at a certain age you're like, how do you have this much energy for this shit? Right, right, right. Don't you need energy just to get through the day? Yeah. I can interact with people. I can't move. Right. I can do it like that. Yeah.

These guys are running around. Don't require me to do fucking squats to make you laugh. Yeah, dude. These guys still got it. All right, what, because I've always wanted to ask you this. I remember the first one-man show that you did that was like pointed, like about something that wasn't just like, here's an act. Here's just jokes about stuff. And then you're actually, it's great because you're taking something that actually people don't know about.

We have a general sense of something like history of this country, constitution. And then you go like, no, I'm going to actually break down what this really is, but do it in an entertaining way, a truthful way and with humor. But it feels like, I feel like now that you've done it and done it well and multiple times,

It actually, what it did was it opens up that, that door for people to go, Oh, I want to do a version of that. So now you see people do things like this, but I feel like you're the, the, the, the guy that did it. Yeah. But yeah. But what made you like, it felt like at the time, like now if somebody does it and they're going, I'm going to do, I'm going to do an act.

you know, about like the nuclear treaty, you'd be like, all right, this is a thing now. But what makes you first, it feels like a big risk, I'm saying, when you started. No, because one of the things was, I had done some one-man show stuff before, but what really it is, is I watch comedians and I go, like I'll watch, if I watch, I'm trying to think of a specific moment in your act. And so, well, there's one where you say the guy was, when somebody's,

I'll try to paraphrase, but with the guy, when, if somebody's, Oh, here's a perfect example. When you say, when there's a guy in overalls with no shirt on,

That's the last person you're going to see. Yeah. Right. Okay. So like, that's a hilarious line, but then I'm like, that's not just a hilarious line. Like that train of thought, if you want it to go into could be something. So like, I always feel like comedians throw away genius lines. Yes. And I'm like, that's a whole theme. That's a thought. So I started thinking that way. And I was like, I,

I can't believe like, cause a lot of times people will go, Oh, that person's funny. I'm like, no, but what they're saying, there's so many little profound moments. So I'm trying to like,

curate it so that people go, no, no, this is what we're talking about. We're talking about life on earth right now. Yeah. And I know people know that and they, you know what I mean? But it's still, I'm trying to make sure people understand. So a lot of times people do their act. There's like 10 profound things. Then they end on whatever their biggest laugh is. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. There's gotta be more of a theme there because it's,

They're saying so many important things. So then I was like, I'm going to do theme shows. Theme shows. Yeah. I feel like everybody should, yeah. I kind of feel like the people who have done a version of this for a while are actually the Europeans, right? Meaning not the same style show. It doesn't surprise me. But they will do theme. When you do festivals, if you go abroad and you do like, you go, I'm doing the-

Edinburgh or Melbourne or something, you know, you arrive and someone will be like a local, they'll be like, so what's your show about? And you're like, my show? What do you mean? It's a series of jokes that have nothing to do with one another. Right. And they're like, oh, mine's about my dad. And you're like, your fucking hour is? Right. And then you watch it and they're like, oh, it is. Yeah. So that's like a... And then...

They are in the practice also of turning over that thing. So they do that show. And then they're like, my next show is about my last year in high school. And you're like, okay. Wow. But that feels very, you know, like European to me. Right. But you find it less frequently, I think, in the States. Well, I've never done Europe. You've never done those festivals or anything? It infuriates me to no end, but I've never done Europe. And it just...

When I did Long Story Short, one of the reasons I did it was like, I'm going to do every country, then I'm going to go tour the world. Yeah. And it never happened.

She's just not meant to be. But when you say you do jokes or a series of random jokes that aren't connected, that I don't believe. Well, you're right. So I'm saying if I look at any of your hours, I'll be like, well, what about this? And that's the part I feel like there's so much profound stuff going on that's not getting its full deserved attention. And I also feel like the mark of like when I watch –

Somebody who's starting out, someone who's done it a little while, and then someone who's like a true veteran. To me, the mark of I'm like, oh, this guy's good, is that he, when he gets to a good joke, he or she, excuse me, or they, any of them, they work the whole thing out. Like they work, they don't just go.

One funny joke about this. Right. They give you the whole thing. And then when you're new, when you're starting out, you're like, I got to laugh about that. Moving on. Right. Yes. And you don't beat up the topic. And it's admirable, but it's a mistake in certain ways. And you know who the first one I ever saw really squeeze the life out of it was Rich Jenny, if you remember him. Yeah, of course. He would take the subject and roll it into this thing.

And it was really interesting to watch. Yeah. And it was great the way he did it. He was fantastic. Yeah, he was. Yeah. He was really good. He was really, really good. And I've heard other great comedians go like, oh, man, when you saw him in a club or something, they're like, it was...

People were actually like, you hear these prolifts around, but like people were like exhausted from laughing so hard at this guy. Like he was just. He had some really beautifully crafted bits, you know? Yeah. Fucking, I can't believe that. Yeah. But, but that's the kind of thing where I always feel like,

Really, what I'd like to do, even though everything's too late now, what I'd like to be is the guy that gets paid exorbitant amount of money from comedians to force them to craft their acts into what I want them to be. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. This way I'm, you know... But the only problem with it is, which is... This is why comedians are the greatest. If I, whoever he respects, said, hey, this joke would work better with this line...

99% of comedians, even an open mic would look at me like, fuck you. Yeah, you're totally right. That's who we are. Yeah, yeah. That's so true. And even if somebody gives you a line, you still resent it. You do. Even if it's a great line. Yeah. You're like, goddammit. And of course, it doesn't help that an audience watching you do an hour, come up and they all say...

That one joke, you're the one that somebody gave me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so true. The difference now is that I feel like the longer you do it, you can go... If I do a set now and I've had a guy come up to me and go...

Hey, you know that bit? And you're like, what? Like, you know that bit? And you go, yeah. And they go, you know what you're missing there? And you start to go like, are you fucking out of your mind? And then they give you like, and when it's notably bad, I go, thanks, I didn't think about that. I appreciate that, man, right? And then I just kind of walk away. But when, it's not when I go, that's great. It's when I go, oh, that's interesting. That to me is more the alarm that I go, fuck.

Fuck, maybe I should. When it gives me a moment to pause and think about it and I go like, fuck, is that better? That's when I go, I'm going to try your suggestion. Even if your suggestion isn't the exact thing I'm going to take, if I go, you just opened a door. Yes. Oh, it always happens. Yeah. That's...

That's what I'm going to, I'm going to be that guy. I'm going to start with Bert Greischer. Sure. And I'm going to start with Bert and I'm going to say, Bert, look, because Bert seems like the kind of guy that if I presented it correctly, he'd just fork over a boatload of cash. You could definitely get a lot of money out of him. So. You could get a lot of money. I'm just going to sit him down and go, Bert.

I love what you're bringing to something because he does bring a whole energy that's amazing. Yes, and a lot of words. They're not all coherent, but there's a lot of words. And I'm going to say, Bert, here's what we're going to do with the act. And he'll be like, oh, I love this idea. What is it?

Say, Bert. Shirt on or shirt off? The shirt comes off. The shirt coming off is good. It's a nonverbal thing that's really beautiful. But what I'm saying is we're going to explore what it means, the history of nudity. And at the end, the grand thing is going to be you taking your shirt off. I love it. Now, Bert, it's not going to be cheap. Yeah, good, good. Yeah, tell us, what kind of price range are we in here? Um...

I mean, I guess for him, a new hour? A Burt new hour. A new hour. He's probably going to tour that for two years. Yeah. He'll make what? Let's just bleep this part out. Oh. More. All right. And I'll say for a new hour for Burt, for me. Oh, wow. Jesus. What? It's definitely. No.

That's good. That's good. Lots of bleeps. I'll tell him later. This is no time to be cheap. No, it's true. It's true. No time to be cheap. God. I like that reaction.

Oh, God, Jesus. That's real money. Because I think he would actually, he might give it to you. I think you could do it. If I could get him in like an environment like the cellar for like an hour and just sit there in the right spot, I could probably get it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You have to have a certain amount of food and drinks coming in. But like timed, you know? You go like, and when I... You go, when I go...

Another water for me would be like, that's when you bring out the steak and the other bourbon. And then right after it closes, I'm going to give him the paperwork for the wire transfer. But that's the beauty of today. He could just really almost Venmo. I don't think he'd Venmo that much money. I don't think he'd Venmo that. But as long as the deposit clears now, he can get started. I love the business plan.

I think you as a consultant could make really fucking crazy money. I love it. Real crazy money. But not if people are going to bristle like you just did over my fee. Well, because I'm thinking of my own fee. Jesus. I'm going to be like, hey, you're not doing fucking burnt shit to me, man. All right? You're going to be like, I hope you come up with the pitch. Yeah. I want a break. I want a discount. I want a break. Yeah. Just cut that thing into fucking quarters. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to do like drug dealers. Yeah. I'm going to help somebody with one bit.

And then if they're like, shit, what did I do that bit? Yeah. You know? If you help me fix this one bit that I have right now, I'll give you a good check. Yeah. What is it? We can't do it here. Oh, okay, fine. But as soon as this wraps, we'll talk about it at length. Yeah.

But I might not be good at it like that. You know, I need a couple of days to ruminate usually. Yeah, yeah. No, you can ruminate on it. It's a real fucking problem. That's all I talk about. Oh, okay. Well, yeah, I could probably help. I don't want money for it, but I want to, you know. Maybe you could just spread the reputation afterwards, you know. Because really, if we're focusing in on Burt, this is the way to do it.

I helped you with that bit. Then you casually mentioned to Bert. And then three months from now, in his head, he's like, you know what? I got to do this. Here's what happened. Here's how we'll do it. I'll fucking do this bit. They'll be like, that bit was great. And I'll be like, well, you know, Quinn. Yeah. I'll be like, really? I'm like, yeah, you're a bitch.

he fucking hooked me up and then he's like he's like no shit and then you give him the new price no no do we do it like bernie madoff we set it up we go he's not really gonna talk to you yeah he's not he's like hey wait what's wrong with me yeah yeah i'll be like bern i don't have time right now yeah i'm working with kevin hart i got matt rife on the line and he's like well what about me and i'm like bird i'd love to get to you like

All right, listen. All right, I'm going to put something aside this Tuesday. Yeah, there you go. And then they go. We got it all lined up. You got to give him the fee, though. And he'll be like, what's the fee? I mean, it's expensive. It's not like undoable. Right. Guy's not fucking free. Well, first I say, you know, Kevin Hart's giving me. Yeah. I know you don't have that kind of money. Right.

He'll be like, maybe you should say, because the way you reacted to it, I don't want to be torn around. Right. Better, right? Great, great deal. And then he'll be like, what do I get for a couple of tags? We should do a whole two bears, one cave with you playing him and me playing myself doing this. That could be a whole other episode. I know. You said you have to work on it. I have to work on my mouth breathing. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hold on a second.

Yeah, Bert, this is going to work. But really, with him, you could really get thematic. Yeah. Because he's got the crowd. They're in the vibe. They're in his energy. So are you looking for themes? He can take them any way he wants. That's true. That is true. He's got great, great energy, too. Yes. So do you look for themes the way, like,

you know, director, writer directors go like, I'm just searching for, I'm waiting for a story. And then they have a story. They're like, this is it. Well, I'll give you a perfect example. My last show was, I was like, I got, I started doing it and I was like, what is it? What is it? Then I go, I know what it is. I'm just going to go the other way and make it all small talk and how important small talk is. And small talk is run society as well. And then after I did it, I go,

It just doesn't feel like... It feels okay, but it's forced. Yeah. So now I got no theme. So I'm just trying to figure out my theme. Wow. Now, when you're working out like, you know, Red State, Blue State, New York Story, Unconventional, like when you're doing those, can you practice...

get those things in shape in the clubs? I have to. You have to. You have to. There's no other option. Even on constitutional. I was proudest because the minute those work in the clubs, those bits. Yeah. Then you're like, this is going to work in a theater. And that's such a, like a turn on,

for an audience that's like watching, you know, six people in a group go up talking about the subway, blowjobs, you know, I have kids, they're acting like, and then you come up and you're like. Mostly blowjobs, yeah. Mostly blowjobs, but the constitution, you know. Yeah, yeah. So everyone's just like, wait, are you really doing it? Oh, believe me, I yell at the audience. Yeah, we're talking about the constitution. I have to literally say that sometimes. We're talking about the constitution right now. But do you find that like, it's like,

The thing about, I don't know, I feel like after years you learn that you can reset an audience to meet you there if you're like, this is what we're doing. It doesn't matter. You said it perfectly. The crowd wants to laugh and the crowd will laugh on. They know about the Constitution. Sometimes they know more than you do, you know? Yeah. But you got to reset and keep the couple of the assholes that are trying to change it

You have to put them in line. That's the only thing, as you know, those people have to be stopped. Addressed, yeah, you have to. Yeah, and you got to be funny but very harsh and put them in line because they'll try to bring the energy into whatever they want it to be, and you can't have that. But yeah, the crowd is, if you punch it up, they're there. Yeah. They like any subject. Yeah, because I feel like the thing that I learned it with is following crazy energy.

When you follow crazy energy, your instinct is when you're like starting out is you're like, God, I guess I got to be big too. You know? Cause like that guy was so big. And then you realize that actually you can go like completely to the, but you have to like,

You have to be... Zen. Secure in it. It can't be like a put on. You just kind of like, you settle in and you're like, that was that. And this is this. Well, Ray Romano, I always think of Ray Romano because we did strip shows and everybody's up there with their energy and wild and talking about young and single. And then this guy would go on last and the crowd, late shows, five people being hilarious. Yeah. And then he goes on.

And he said, I got two kids. I'm married. And people would be like, what the hell is this? Yeah. And after two minutes, he went on last because he killed. Yeah. So he would just be and be so funny and just be like what you just said. So secure, like this is what I am. Yeah. And I feel like that's one of the things in comedy that I feel like is one of the most important things is what you just said. Yeah.

It's this is all you got. And if it's not enough, that's you got to go somewhere else. I'm not bringing you somebody else. Yeah. I'm not bringing you a rock star. I'm me. And this is what we got. So let's either laugh or not. And I feel like.

One of the most important moments in comedy is when you get to that point where you're like, I can't reach and be who you just saw. I'm not going to bring their energy on you. I'm me. I'm me, yeah. This is all I got. Yeah, you're so right. There's that moment, and there's the moment where you... I think when it first hits you when you're... It's funny because you're obviously performing comedy to get laughs, but there's moments where you're on there, and especially in a big room...

where you're in the middle of something and you realize that everybody's listening and you're like, Oh, they're all listening right now. Like a few thousand people are like listening and you're like, this is pretty crazy. Like this is, and also that's a good thing to get. People panic when they're not getting laughs. They're like, what should I do? But you're like, Hey, use this, use them being like, right. Oh my God. Right. And take them somewhere, you know? Yeah. Take them wherever you want. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Um,

I don't know. I feel like I'll give you, I feel like as a deposit, I'll give you. Okay. For the bit.

Now, like I said, I'm doing it like a drug dealer. Okay. I do this bit for free. Then we have the conversation. Meanwhile, if I can't even do it, who knows if it'll even work. Yeah. But if it works, then you're like, oh, God. And he just casually mentioned it burnt. Yeah. He'll forget this podcast after a month. He probably won't even listen. Yeah.

And then you just go, oh, my God. Yeah, Colin, we talked about that bit. It's great. And he'll be like, what bit? Oh, I didn't tell you that. It doesn't matter. But it was good, you know? And then when he says, how much was it? You're like, I don't want to talk about money, which is a great line. Speaking of MTV, when you don't talk about money, there is no money, but you're not lying. Like, I don't want to talk about the money. Money's not important. When we did MTV, we did remote control. Girls auditioned with another girl, the other one had left, and they brought in this girl.

Sophia Coppola And they go And that's Sophia Coppola Alicia Coppola So it's Alicia She's on the show So they go Are you related To Francis Ford? And she goes I don't like to talk about it They hire her She's not related She didn't lie She didn't lie I don't like to talk about it Because I'm not related And

She's the greatest. Yeah, that's hilarious. I don't like to talk about it. That's such a great one. She's the greatest. That is brilliant. And she got hired. Yeah. And then some execs are like, it's pretty crazy we got Francis Ford Coppola's niece here. Yeah. I was like, what are you talking about?

All right. Listen, it's a real treat that you came in. Oh, thanks. I appreciate you being here. It's really fun. Best pizza in New York? Where do you go for a slice? Well, Joe's, of course. I mean- Joe's? It's unbelievable. The one on Carmine, too. There's all good Joe's, but Joe's on Carmine. Is that downtown? Yeah. Right by the cellar. Do you live nearby? I mean, I don't want to give away your address, but do you live in the area? Well, no. I live like down about 30 blocks past that. Oh, okay. By Bolster Reader.

And have you been there, that area, a long time? Yeah. Yeah. I went to Joe's. Joe's used to be four doors up. I was there at the original Joe's. Wow. It was four doors away. They moved it to that place. Yeah, because you are New York, man. Oh, I love, I mean. I know. When I, I wish I had been, my only regret is I wish I had been filming. I think about this all the time. From the time, from the 70s, I just wish I had been filming everybody and everything. Do you have, because my favorite thing, I love cities. I love being at like, so when people go vacation, you know, they go like.

you want to go to the beach you want to go to the thing and I always pick big cities I like to go to New York Paris like because I for me the what I get out of those because they're always like where do you go I'm like I just like the energy of being in this what's like a a great day off free day for you in New York like is it just low key just walking around walking around that's what New York

But let me give you, speaking of cities, so they just shot this new De Niro movie. Good friend of mine. Go ahead. Bob. Yeah. Bob. So he plays the mob guys. So anyway, it's set in the 60s, New York, 60s, Barry Levinson direct, 60s and 50s in New York. So they had to find the closest place that looks like New York in the 50s and 60s. Where did they shoot?

I'll give you a hint. Okay. I'm asking you, where did they shoot? Cincinnati? Yep. For real? Yeah. No shit. Downtown Cincinnati. I guess. I don't know, but somewhere in Cincinnati. That's true. It does kind of suck. Isn't that weird? Yeah. No, it's like, the thing about Cincinnati is the feeling whenever I go back to Cincinnati, and especially when you're downtown, you're always like, yeah, it's like, this is almost there. Like, you always feel like-

Like three quarters of things have been done, you know? And you're like...

You know what I mean? Which is surprising. They're German. You have to get finished stuff. Yeah. Over the Rhine. Over the Rhine. Yeah. Those Germans know what they're doing. No, I know what you meant. And you're right. They did a great job. We'll end on that. You can see Colin Quinn at Colin. Go get tickets at ColinQuinn.com. He's one of the best. Thanks for coming, man. Thanks, man. We'll see you guys later. Bye. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert.

One goes to the top of the swath, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.