Bert HIJACKED The Emmys Party | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. I'm Tom, and I'm here with the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, Bert Kreiser. Felt fun to do a little throwback. How you doing, Bert? I was called a racist last night. In person? In person. Who? Who?

The notable person? No, no. It was this dude at the Emmys party.

We went to the Netflix Emmys party and I met this guy who's, I don't know the right way to do this, but he's a Latino dude. And someone introduced us and I said, hey, how you doing? He's like, pretty good. And I said, hey, do you speak Spanish? Because I wanted to talk to him about this music that I'm into called Narco Queridos. And I go, do you speak Spanish? And he goes, yeah, English too. And I went, okay.

I was like, what the fuck? How did I get into this? Yeah, I see. One of those guys. And I was like, motherfucker. And then I was like, no, I know. And he was like, yeah, I was born in dot, dot, dot, but I grew up in LA. And I was like, okay. And then I noticed he has a little bit of an accent. So maybe, I guess he's, I don't know. But I was like, motherfucker, now I'm on my heels the entire time. And I just wanted to talk to you about Marco Carridos. And I just wanted to connect. And now I'm a fucking asshole. But...

So yeah, it's fun to... You're into Narco Corridos? Do you know it? Yeah, sure. It's very popular. Dude, it's fucking awesome. Now, here's the interesting thing, Tom. I can't tell if I'm into Narco Corridos or just Corridos because I don't know what they're saying. Well, yeah, it would definitely change some of the fucking music for you if you knew what they were saying. But I mean, explain to people who don't know, do you know what these are? Okay, so...

Narco Carridos is Carridos music, but sang about the cartels. And so it's very specific. I mean, from what I understand, but I can't understand the music, so I don't speak Spanish, but...

From what I understand, a lot of Narco Querido singers have been murdered by cartels. This is true. And also, a lot of guy, a lot of narco traficantes, a lot of the actual guys doing this, will sometimes even, if they want a song about them, they'll just go to the artist, pay the artist, make a song about me. No.

No. Yeah. I didn't know that. Here's 80 grand. Make a badass song about how I don't, you can't fuck with me. And then they'll be like, you got it. And then they'll make a song about that guy. That's so fucking awesome. Yeah. So wait, so I got into it because there's this one guy who's friends with Tupac who got murdered in like 1993. He was like, and the cartels came up to him right before his show. They handed him a note and they're like,

You sing this song and we kidnap you and we kill you. Do not sing this song anymore. Because apparently they're like very specific about dates and places and people's names. Yeah, they'll say everything. It is gangster hip hop on steroids. It's way other level. Yeah, yeah. It's not like ours here. It's...

it's names and places. And like, remember when you drove up to this place to the bus stop and you saw the foot hanging from the overpass, that was me. It's real specific. It's super specific, but for whatever reason, I really enjoy the rhythm of it. And the, and I don't know why, but I like, I get excited when I catch a word. I know like, uh, like, oh, but I see it though.

You know? Yeah, I got it. Yeah. I go, oh, there's a little poor boy on the bus. Yeah. Yeah. But I've been fascinated by it. It's all I've been listening to. That's interesting. Yeah. I don't know what it is. Is it the accordion that I'm liking? I don't know. I mean, it's a very Mexican genre. Oh, it's the best way to pull up to fucking valet.

Yeah. Playing Narco Corridos and they're like, whoa. One might accuse you of racism there. Let me ask you about the other, about the Emmy part. I mean, I, you know what? I didn't realize I did. You're going to, you're going to laugh at this because you know me. What? So WME.

the agency that I'm with sent me an Emmy invitation to their party. This is like a few weeks ago. And it says like, you know, we would like to blah, blah, blah. And so I wrote back in all caps, hard pass. And I didn't realize that I had CC'd the company. So like everybody saw me write hard fucking pass and

And I just got like a hundred replies of people laughing and people being like, got it. And I was like, oh shit. I thought I was replying to my agent's assistant. I was like, who would want to go to this fucking bullshit? So, but I'm curious, like, yeah, because to me,

I mean, I also know that we approach going out differently, but to me it sounds like a goddamn nightmare to go to one of those. What is it actually like? It is really fascinating. It really is fascinating because there's a little bit of ego death in it because you realize, first of all,

it's all celebrating the people getting nominated and winning Emmys. So it's not like even as famous you may be if you're not in that game. And then you watch people like there. I mean, I honestly, I was writing down jokes all weekend just about personality traits. What's really wild and I'm not shitting on them. I would probably do the same thing, but I'm just going to say people show up to the Emmys with their Emmy who won it two days ago.

So like grips who won an Emmy, right. Bring it with them to the party. Yeah. Like they got it two days ago at the, at the grip Emmys and they all got grip Emmys. Yes. Or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah. Yeah.

So for people, hold on, for people that don't know, they give away the Emmys basically on separate days. There's the televised portion that gives away. That's the one where you see like best actor, best writer, and all this. And then they have another field of categories. They don't have time to air them all on television, so they host a separate one where they'll give it out for other people

you know, category artists. Yeah, yes. Best guy that made it sound like it was raining. Yeah, all those guys, yes. But those guys all show up with their actual Emmys. Like, they bring their Emmy with, they... I find a hard time even considering that you wouldn't have it with you. Well, first of all, I'd never be in that category. You would never be in Best Grip? No, yeah. So I'm going to be in the front, the big face Emmys. So like...

Like when an Emmy. I got it. By the way, I'll be insufferable. I'll be insufferable. I can't even begin to imagine. Wait, hold on. There's a lot to unpack here. You might have it like attached to a chain that you have made so that it's actually a medallion that hangs from your neck. They're big as fuck. They're big. They're big. I saw a couple grips walking in with their Emmys.

And because it was funny, the Emmys wasn't over yet. And I was at Cotty's party. So there were three parties I went to. I went to UTA's party. I went to Netflix's party. Oh, my God. And then Cotty, my sister Cotty, runs events at Disney. She does the Emmys party. She does the Emmys party. So she's throwing a party for Disney. So I go to hers because it's my little sister. So, okay. Okay.

Is this why you had a suit on? Yeah, I had two suits. I wore our two bear suit to the UTA party, and then I wore a slick-ass black suit last night. Oh, this is a separate night? Yeah, two nights. I was going to say, if you change suits on the same night, I don't fucking know you anymore. No. By the way, my suit still fits. That's good. Yeah, I know. I was shocked. I'm only 235. I haven't gained any weight. I just feel like I'm fat as fuck.

So so UTA party I show up and I've done this twice and I really regret that I do it because all my pictures look suspect I brought my own drink and I have a so I have a fucking I have this with me through the styrofoam cup styrofoam 32 ounce cup full of vodka and

So every picture, everyone thinks I'm drinking lean. And so Timothy Oliphant goes, are you drinking lean? And I was like, no. I was like, it's my own vodka. And he was like, it looks like you're drinking lean. By the way, Leanne lost her shit over Timothy Oliphant. He's perfect, dude. He is so good looking. His hair is perfect. It's like the perfect color gray. And he, yeah, put Timothy Oliphant. Type in Timothy Oliphant and Bert Kreischer. See if the picture of us is up.

Oh, this would be very important. Let's get it up. Oh, that's Leanne and Timothy Oliphant. Oh, there you go. Yeah. Leanne at the party? Yeah, that was at the party. Oh, there you are. Yeah. Yeah, he's a handsome guy. Dude, he's a good looking guy and he wears a suit well. And there I am with a glass of lean and my gold teeth. Fuck, I'm a mess. Anyway, it's interesting because I'm the wrong person for these parties because I do get overwhelmed by celebrity. You so get overwhelmed. You might be the...

You might as well just be like from a small town in fucking Iowa, the way that you meet celebrities. It's un-fucking-real. You shake and you're like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And then you're like, you're so good. You actually blew me away with your performance. Listen to this. I'm going to just play this and you're going to hear the... You have it recorded? This is my worst one. Okay, you ready? Let's go.

Ron Howard, get over here. You gotta try this shit. Hey, Ron Howard, you gotta try this. You don't just put it right in your mouth. I freaked Ron Howard the fuck out. I have so much anxiety listening to your clip. Uh...

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Ron Howard. Which party was that? That's it, the Disney one. The Disney one was pretty fucking sick. Don't let me forget to tell you about the Netflix one because that is the funnest. That was the wildest party. And hang on. So Disney is Cotty's party. UTA was great. We hung out with Tim and Theo LaFont the whole time. And these are separate nights.

Thursday or Friday and Sunday or Saturday. I don't know whatever Friday and Sunday Friday and Sunday, okay, so UTA one was a blast, but I just saw my agents and we hung out with Timothy Oliphant cuz Leanne's a huge fan of Deadwood and so she's in love with him and the Oliphant so the whole time we just hung out with him and he was so fucking cool so fucking cool so fucking cool and so we had a great time we got hammered and came home we go to the Disney one Ron Howard is

By himself he has no assistance no security He's by himself like on his phone like typing in things but by himself just hanging out I see him and I'm like guys fucking Ron Howard and he's like and then he kind of like looks up and he sees me and he smiles and I was like yeah and Leanne goes you took a general meeting with him one time and I was like I did I I have no recollection of it That's why I was like as soon as she said that I went so why do I get so freaked out over celebrity when I don't remember meeting them and

Like, I don't remember, I never remember, I have no recollection of meeting Ron Howard, but I took a general meeting with him one time. But I see him, then I go, I got so excited. So we go over, Adam Perry, Adam Perry Lang, is like big barbecue chef, big friends with Jimmy Kimmel. Okay. And he's got a whole setup. The Disney one was sick. The Disney one had to cost like $20 million. It was so fucking sick. Bob Iger is there. Let me tell you something. Bob Iger is a genius.

fucking stud. He is the definition of a fucking stud. He is 6'1". He is jacked. He is 73 and he's worth...

a billion dollars and he smells like it. Bob Iger is a fucking stud. Tom, I only didn't lose my shit on Bob Iger because I was afraid it cost my sister her job. Bob Iger walked in the room and my dick got hard. That'd be so funny if she called, I got fired today. You're like, oh, really? Yeah, I don't know what happened. Dude, Bob Iger, he carries himself with an air, like an air of just intensity. I mean, he walked in

Dude, I watched him walk by huge celebrities and not even say hi to them. Not just walk right past them. And I was like, whoa. So anyway, Ron Howard. Ron Howard is like the sweetest guy alive. He honestly, Tom, he's...

He acts like a little brother at a little league game. He just was like this, real bouncy. So I go over to the—I see the fucking ribs, the short ribs that Adam Perry's making. And I'm like, I got to get one. He cuts me a slice. And you know me. I roll over. I'm like, dude, that fucking gets my dick hard. And this guy's like—and you know, a chef wants to hear that shit. So he cuts me off a big piece. He goes right to the mouth. I go right to the mouth. Put it in my mouth, and I see—I see—

Ron Howard. Ron Howard just standing inside. I go, Ron Howard, you got to try this. He's like, well, okay. I know this because I just saw you document it. He comes over and he's like, he eats it and then he takes another one and he goes over to the table and then he like makes eye contact with me and he's like,

Like this, like the sweetest guy. I was like so blown away at just how genuinely wholesome he was as a person. It's like a real thing in this business. So then we go over to the Netflix party, Netflix party, fun, baby reindeer owned the night. So like everyone's in this baby reindeer corner, right? I don't know anyone from baby reindeer. I don't, I didn't watch this show cause it gave me anxiety. Uh, so I'm like, I'm like, and I'm not, and I have no interest in

I'm at this point, I'm whittling down what makes me Bert and what's wrong with Bert and how I can be cool with what's wrong with Bert, right? Yeah. Part of me really does not care about

About the Emmys because I'm such I feel like an outsider anyway, yeah, and I am 51 So I'm like what am I gonna try to be in that scene? That's not my scene my scenes comedy hung out with Jeff Ross. We smoked weed Mike Although people from the Brady roast were there so we hung out in the back with them and we smoked weed and then I go inside I see Nikki Glaser Nikki looked fucking

Insane, I mean and by the way, I gave her a hug Nikki's I mean her back is so tight like she is in great shape I was like, that's my takeaway from Nikki. Okay, I Go what I go Leon let's hit the dance floor we go on the dance floor, dude You would have loved this love on the spectrum owned the dance floor. I

Really? All the kids from Love on the Spectrum, all their moms, Sofia Vergara and Nikki Glaser, owned that goddamn dance floor. And so you went out there, and dancing with autistic kids might be my favorite thing I've ever done in my life. They just walk up and they're like, I don't know you! And you're like, cool! My mom says you're famous! And I was like, awesome! Can I get a picture? Of course!

Dude, Love on the Spectrum ran the Netflix party. Love on the Spectrum and Baby Reindeer ran the Netflix party. Yeah, the Baby Reindeer won a bunch of things, right? Yeah, the limited series stuff.

It's really good. You should watch it. You should deal with the anxiety. I started watching it. It makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, it does. But it's really, really, really good. Yeah, but it's not funny. It just makes me uncomfortable. There's funny... There's definitely funny moments in it. But it is... It does come through very real and very uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah, but I can't watch shows that... I will... I'll tell you what I do is I just Wikipedia it and read the Wikipedia and go, yeah, I got it. Oh, my God. I watched...

inside 9-11 the inside the war room whatever so yeah it just it's the 24 hours with Bush Cheney Condoleezza Rice

Yeah, Karl Rove. And they just go minute by minute through the day. It's fucking really good. I saw it on Apple Plus. Really good. I had the weirdest thought. Who do you think the best-looking hijacker on 9-11 was? You know, would it be Atta? Atta Muhammad Atta? Yeah, he had a good jawline, I feel like. He had a great jawline. Yeah, look at that jawline on Atta there, top left. That's a good jawline.

Oh, the others are pigs. I don't know that everybody is celebrating that we're doing this, but yeah, I mean, he doesn't, he definitely has cold eyes. God, man. He, yeah, he does. Top right. Top right. Has eyes of like, yeah, your hard drive is going to stay with us. Right. Yeah. Um,

Bottom left has he was talked into it. He has a more innocent face, in my opinion. Bottom right looks like he could fall in love with a Jewish chick, and he would hate to hear that. And he would hate himself. He would hate himself. Family would hate him, too. Do you think there were any hijackers that were talkative? Like Chatty? Like Chatty Cathy's? Good personality? No, no, no. Just like overshare. Like I overshare.

Oh, like who's the closest to Bert on this list? Do you think there's any of these hijackers that at a dinner was like? It's probably, yeah, Al-Sharari. Yeah, yeah. People were always saying that he had big personality, life of the party kind of guy. Hey, buddy, secret time? We're going to take these buildings down. Wow. Yeah. Let's see. I'm not supposed to talk about this. If Mohammed Atwa heard this.

Is that the right accent? That's... There are some ugly fucking hijackers. Yeah, none of them are striking you as like, wow, that's a handsome guy. No, but Mohammed Atta stood out. When they went into the strip club the night before, I heard the night before they went and hijacked the buildings, they went to strip clubs and shit, right? Really? I had no idea about that. No, they went to a Dave and Buster's and a strip club. A Dave and Buster's? Really? Yeah, and they Americaned it up.

And they racked up some points and like... They were like, these video games, I don't know any need to hijack or no playing, you know? We could just do... They have a simulator in Dave and Buster's. Damn, they're so young, man. Look how young they are. Oh, that's their ages? Yeah. I thought they were... What do you think that was, a credit score? No, I didn't really... God damn it, they're all in their 20s. Yeah, they're super young. He was 20 years old. That guy's 20, yeah. Yeah, so young. Okay, would you rather...

I asked this to someone last night. I went to a dinner party and I said this and it was really not the best conversation starter. Would you rather die instantly or be told you're going to die and die that way?

Well, how are you going to die when you'd be told you're going to die? Like you have Parkinson's or cancer and you get told. And slowly die? Slowly die, like maybe over five years or whatever. Maybe longer, maybe shorter. Or would you rather not see it coming, like hit by a bus, plane crash? Yeah, definitely. Eaten by a shark? Yeah. Well, hold on. Think about this. That's what everyone said. And then I said, but yeah, but you only die once. That's true. So don't you kind of want to...

If life is about experiences, don't you want to kind of enjoy the experience of dying? I mean, what makes you think you're going to enjoy the experience? No, no, no. If it just goes like this, then what was life about, right? Well, yeah, but that just means you didn't have the time in a moment to reflect. But that doesn't mean that you haven't lived a full life. It's like getting hit by a bus...

is a painless... I mean, it's terrible, but it's only terrible for people watching it. Like, it's not terrible for you. You don't know anything that happened. If you get Parkinson's or some type of cancer and it's a slow... I mean, yeah, you have time to go like, oh, yeah, this is going to be a process in which I die. And maybe you have...

I mean, I watched somebody do that. I watched my dad go through that. It was fucking terrible to watch. And I think the end is like, it's particular. I mean, it's a lot of suffering. I'm not saying that's a lot of people go through it, but...

So then let's reverse engineer that and say if you only die once, your death isn't about you technically because you're just dying. Your death is about the people you leave behind, right? True. So then how would you want it? Would you want it to be prolonged so that you could, hey, you could really almost save the relationship? Would you rather your dad die of cancer or hit by a bus? Well, I think he already picked one of those.

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you know, something that you, you put together and figure out. But I think the phone call had been, your dad just got hit by a bus. It would be, yeah, it's a different, it's a whole, because then you also have, I think a type of resentment that you carry, right? Because you're like, you know, where's this bus driver live? And you know, how can we ruin his life and all that? Oh, that's okay. That's a great second follow-up question. Yeah. I mean, hold on, but hold on. I like where you're going because people mourn you more than

If you die instantly, unexpectedly. I know what this is going to. This is all about how you're like, well, I don't know. Jesus, man. You're just thinking about maybe I should die quickly because then it'll be a better celebration. You got it. That's exactly where my head is. I know it is. It's all about because it's like I get obsessed with death. I'm so obsessed with death that when I hear people. The amount that you are obsessed with death kind of freaks me out. I know. It's like every day.

I almost get, this is really a sad thought, but like when people say, like when people talk about what they're raising money for and they're like pancreatic cancer, you know, I had a friend who died of pancreatic cancer. When people say they're raising money for suicide, when I hear suicide, I almost go like,

Oh, thank God. I know I don't have that. I'm not going to catch that one. Yeah, no, no. Yeah, I'm not getting suicide. If you died and then they were like, it was a suicide, I would know that there was. Foul play? Yes, 100%. I would have to hire PIs and be like, no, no, no. We got to figure out who killed him.

Would you really, for real? If it was reported that you had killed yourself, a thousand percent. And everyone's like, Tom, it's a closed case. Would you commit a little bit of your time to solve my murder? I might commit all my time to doing that, yeah. I would love that. I know you would. And then I would, yeah. And I promise you, because I know you'd want this, that I would make a documentary as I put it together. I will promise you, I swear to God, I swear to God, I would avenge your murder. Thank you.

I would avenge your murder. Thank you. I appreciate that, actually. I think, I was trying to think today. I was watching Michael Jordan. I always watch Last Dance when I work out. I just love, I get on the treadmill to walk, and I watch Last Dance, and then I was like, I'm not working hard enough. I put on a weight vest, and I walked here with a weight vest on today. But Michael Jordan was saying he needed...

almost like inspiration to work. He needed things to inspire. He had to pick things that bothered him. And I was like, I was like, and I, I had a long time ago and I don't have it now. I'm by the way, I don't think I have the exact opposite, but I was like, I said, I think I said to you, like it was when I was on tour and I was like, I was like, I don't know. I just stopped rooting for myself. Like I didn't feel like I should root for myself anymore. Like I didn't, cause I didn't have any inspiration. I didn't have anything to go after. And then I was like, what's the best motivating factor? Is it,

Revenge? Revenge is great. Revenge is fucking awesome. Revenge is great. I know. And the best revenge is just... I mean, there's two types really, right? There's the revenge of hurting somebody who hurt you or somebody you know, right? So like those types of things where...

fucking somebody kills somebody and you go and now i'm gonna kill you and everybody you know that's a type of revenge but the other type of revenge is just in succeeding that that's how you get revenge on people without cutting them open to to allow

Sometimes you have false narratives in your head that you end up fighting with. I was fighting with a friend of ours in my head that had pissed me off. He said something sideways to me, and I was fighting with him as I was cleaning off the deck. And then I was like, man, I said to myself, if I could think of statements as powerful as his that he did to me that forced me to fight the next morning...

for fucking 45 minutes as I clean my deck with him. Yeah. Then that's the real victory. That's the victory to own territory in someone else's head for the next day. And then I was like, I will not allow that. And so I stopped it. I was like, this is wildly crazy, wildly crazy. And then Leanne said, this is okay. And this goes to you. I'm trying to not talk as much at like parties and stuff, trying to be more quiet and listen to people.

Hey, Ron Howard. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, go ahead. I got one worse than that. I got one way worse than that. Wait, but finish your other thought. Okay. You said I'm trying not to. And so we go to a dinner party. I'm going to name drop because I think it's an important. No, I'm not going to name drop because it isn't important. And they know who they are. Okay. And so we go to this dinner with like really famous people. I said, I'm not going to talk. I'm not going to talk. I'm going to listen.

And then everyone starts talking. And then I go, I said to myself, they think I'm boring.

And I was like, I got to jump in here somehow. Like, I got to be interesting. Like, I'm an interesting person. Time to be interesting. So I talked a little bit. I probably over-talked a lot. We started talking about FaceTiming, right? You just went all over the map on whether you talked a little bit or a lot. A lot. We started talking about FaceTiming. And they said, it's just so aggressive. And I was like, time to jump in.

I was like, I FaceTime everyone. And they're like, what? I was like, I FaceTime everyone. And two of the people at this party were like, he's definitely FaceTimed me.

These kids had FaceTimed me at the UTA party. These boys FaceTimed me, and I answered it. And they were like, who the fuck answers a FaceTime? I go, I do. I answer every FaceTime. If you FaceTime me, I can answer it. I don't know who it is. I want to see who it is. I can see the person. And then they were like, and I FaceTimed everyone, and we started talking. We had a great time, great dinner. Honestly, a great dinner. I think everyone had a good time. I didn't over-talk. I did talk a lot, but I didn't over-talk. And I noticed, also, I was also talking for both of us because Leanne wasn't talking at all.

Yeah, I was like was like listening whatever yeah, yeah, and so the next morning Leanne goes man No one cared about me, and I was like what she was like. Why didn't say anything I was like well Yeah, but that's on you and she's like I didn't want to interrupt I didn't want to interrupt anybody and I was like well You can't look for your you can't like we're not children. No one's gonna be like Leanne What's your opinion on that like true? Just talk no you're right, and then I was like wait is me being is me trying to be silent and

is that forced behavior? And is that now an inauthentic version of me? Or is it generous? Like when we did the podcast with Dana White, I felt fucking so stupid because I hadn't said anything, but I was interested in what you guys were saying. And then I was like, and then I was like, am I stupid? Like, cause I'm not talking. You know what I mean? Yeah. I know what you're saying. And I don't think, I mean, first of all, it's, you know, sometimes you, you surprise me with your introspective thoughts. Um, uh,

I think that it's a totally valid thing that you're saying. I think that what you're talking about when you go like, am I boring right now? That's a natural, healthy thought to have. But I think the answer is if somebody is saying something that you are interested in, it is, I think, especially as interviewers, like if you're interviewing someone, to let them hold court. Like just...

Especially if you've asked something or someone else asked something and you're hearing the person open up, I try to give them the floor. Just let them talk. What is it about you that makes you not talk? Are you comfortable? If you're having dinner with, say, your next-door neighbors, him and his wife and you and Push, and you guys are having dinner, and he's talking and you're listening, and say you're not interested. Say the thing he's telling you is not interesting.

But you still listen. Yeah, no, I'm good at that. I mean, I will listen. I'm not going to follow up. I'll follow up with something to give them a chance to basically feel interesting. Yeah. But I'm not going to keep pressing on that. But I also don't, like, I really don't care.

You really don't care. I don't care if you think I'm boring. I don't care. I don't care if you walked away and you're just like, that guy doesn't interest me. I mean, I've had people tell me, they're like, I thought you were like a ditch digger or something. I can't believe that you tell jokes for a living. And I'm like, yeah, I don't care. I don't care what you think. So...

Yeah, it's just how I'm wired, man. I just don't give a shit. The Diageo guys came up to me last night at Disney, at the Disney party. And they were like, hey, we tried your vodka. It's really awesome. And I was like, oh, thank you. And I was like, thank you. And I started talking to them. And they're like, so what's your plan? And I said, you know what's so funny? I said...

I said, you know, when we got into this, I think both of us thought, you know, start a vodka, sell it, make money, bounce. But I go, Tom said something very wise to me. He was like, hey man, wouldn't it be fun to just own a vodka company for the rest of our lives? And I was like, oh yeah. And I go, and they said, is he enjoying it? And I said,

I said to like 15 people, I go, yes. And Tom is the most boring individual you'll ever meet. And I go, and he's having fun. Tom does not like having fun, but he's having fun. And someone goes, isn't he your friend? And I'm like, yeah. And Connie goes, he's being generous right now.

It's true. It is true. But like you really don't care. You don't care if people find you interesting. You don't care if people dislike you. You don't care if people want to talk to you. You just can exist. And I am so fucking opposite. Yeah, we have totally different makeups in that regard. But it's actually – it's good. That's why we're a good team together because we have –

We have totally different characteristics, and that's how we operate well. Especially it's fun for me to do live events with you and stuff because we're not the same. Yeah. Yeah, we're not the same. But we are the same in a weird way. I think things make us giggle the same. Yeah, we always laugh about a lot of things the same. We enjoy it, and I enjoy you. I enjoy being around you, but...

Yeah, with socializing, I'd rather leave, man. I've gone to dinner parties and I'm just like, I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm more concerned, honestly, with how inner circle people feel about me than I am about...

neighbors and like you know I mean like it's like if someone I meet it's like doesn't care for me I'm just like well I don't care what you think I don't I don't barely know you I don't yeah this isn't a we're not in a friendship this is not a relationship we have what's interesting is that I didn't I like to leave meetings too like when meetings what when I meet like I have a meeting with somebody

And you can always sense when meetings are going well and when they're not. And in either case, I can't wait to get the fuck out of there. I just go, well, that was great. And then I fucking leave right away. Really? Yeah. I'm like, that was great. Maybe we'll see each other again. Yeah. Bye. I wish I had that. I wish I had more of that. But the other thing is you get intoxicated by,

by like social settings like you're a true extrovert man you're a real extrovert extroverts energy from that energy from like you're always like well let's stay here let's keep this going have more people come over and I literally am like can you remove people from the room like so Leanne couldn't get me out of the Netflix party last night I I can only imagine I was like

And then I talked to someone who was like, they were drunk and they were the, they were me, they were drunk and they were just fucking oversharing. And I was like, oh, this is a life lesson. Pay attention, bird, shut your fucking mouth. Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't realize how much time I was going to be spending with Leanne when the girls left. Yeah. Yeah, you're like, it's kind of weird. We're together a lot. I've said it a number of times, and I don't know if I've ever said it on this, but I've said it in passing. If I had known I was going to spend this much time with her, I would have married a dude. Like, it's like...

It's like fucking wild and she doesn't get my sense of humor all the time Like she we went to a Sturgill Simpson concert this weekend on Saturday night. We had the wildest weekend Yeah, and there were two gay guys in front of us just making out the entire concert and

And I was like, not that you can't do that. Like, I know you're allowed to do that. Even if you were. And then I said to Leigh-Anne, I was like, what the fuck? I was like, it's country music. They're ruining country music for me. They're just fucking macking down on each other. And Leigh-Anne's like, stop it. You're being homophobic. I said, it has nothing to do with homophobia.

I was like, if it was fat people in front of us, it would be ruining it. It's that I'm not attracted to it. Look, if it's two chicks doing it, it would make the concert better. Or if it was like a beautiful guy and a beautiful girl, it would make the concert better. It doesn't turn me on, so it's fucking pissing me off. And I was like, if I'd married a dude, he would have gotten it. He would have gotten it. He would have totally understood it. Yeah. Chicks, man. I know. I told Christina last night, because whenever I'm self-loathing, which I was yesterday, I

I want a certain type of empathy and she never does it instinctively. So as she was talking to me about my self-loathing, I go, can I tell you something? This is what I want you to do when I do this. Whatever your instinct is, ignore it. Ignore all your initial instincts. Okay.

And she was like, that's really nice. I go, yeah, whatever you think, do the opposite. And she was like, great. And then she goes, I just, how about I don't talk? And I go, perfect. Wait, wait, what does your self-loathing look like? My self-loathing, because I go, I feel like I always have

It varies, but like for, there's good days and bad days of like body issues. Do you know what I mean? Like there's days where I'm looking in the mirror and I feel good about myself. And then like, it'd be like 24 hours later and I don't. And I was just in that thing where I was just like, you know, beating myself up. Yeah. And she was just like, you know, what do you think? I go, you're not my fucking psychoanalyst. Okay. Like, I don't want you to do this. And she's like, I don't know what to do. I go, just do the opposite of what you think you should do.

What triggers those body issues? Because I deal with them too, and I can't tell if... But that's the thing. What I told her is almost the exact conversation. I think that my body issues are not necessarily spawned by a certain type of trigger. It's like, here's what I can relate it to that I think will make a lot of sense to you. You know how when you're on tour...

You never feel this way about your act. What happens is,

you go like this. You have days where you're like, I feel fucking great about what I'm doing. Like, you know what I mean? Like I'm, you just, you like what you're doing. And then there's the days where you're just like, man, like you're full of self doubt and you're just kind of like self critical. I suck. And you know what I mean? Like that. And I feel like it's very much like that. It's not a constant thing. And there's, there are peaks and valleys to it. And you probably could,

dive into like well what but i just feel like it's it's like life in that it's not a constant it's up and it's down and so there's just you know i don't sit in the self-loathing for a long like for days it's just like moments it's moments that pass where you're like

it's so bizarre i think with body stuff because it can literally be 24 hours apart like i can you know my it sounds probably like i have dysmorphia but i'm what i'm saying is like you just feel good and you're like you know what i like you look good buddy like you're you know that kind of thing and then i don't know the next day you just catch an angle in a mirror or something you're like oh fuck i look like shit yeah and then when i do that

What I don't like is when I do that and it gets negated by whoever is around. I'm just like, don't fucking...

make me feel like i'm not you know it's not a valid critique of myself you know yeah which they're probably just being helpful and nice but i'm just like don't you fucking do that to me so it's but it's yeah it's just like it's not positive self-talking right and i and i try i try not to sit in it i don't like to do i'm not saying it in this poor me way it's more like

I'm just not happy with what I'm seeing, if that makes sense. No, I feel like I was more confident about my body when I was massively obese than now. But do you think you were tricking yourself? Like, were you delusional? I think I was delusional. I think I'm crazy. I actually think I'm crazy. Like, for real.

I was telling someone if I was me on like a Viking long ship or like trying to cross the Northwest Passage in the 1700s, they'd be like, that guy on the boat is out of his fucking mind. Like there's no way they'd be like, no, he's neurodivergent. They would be like – and so I have issues with my body now that I go – and I can convince myself –

It's so stupid and like my eating it'll trigger it I used to eat like fucking shit and then last night at the Netflix party You know I'm keto and they bring out fucking they bring out fucking In-N-Out burgers. Oh, dude. Did you have one? I had to go to different people to get new ones. I

because they like i said one for person you know they didn't make like a thousand of them and i was like oh cool so i got one and i was like can i get my wife one and they're like yeah and then i went to leanne i eat both of them i go hey they got in an alberger see if you can grab two for us and then she went over and she grabbed two

And then I went back and the guy goes, you've had like four of them. And I was like, I've had three, first of all. And they're like, I know we're trying to like spread them out for everyone. You know, the love on the spectrum kids want them. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I went to this other person and they're like, In-N-Out Burger? And I was like, oh yeah, can I get one for my wife? And they're like... And then I woke up this morning going, what did I do? And if I drink enough or smoke enough weed, I forget that I did it. That's good. And then... Dude, I'm...

I'm smoking weed before I go to bed, like almost like Michael Jackson did. Propofol? Propofol. I'm like, I'm hitting a vape pen like four or five times and then getting in bed and racing it to sleep. And then I sleep amazingly. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Also, I should say that like with Christina in particular, like she's always just trying to help me when I do that stuff. It's me just being not wanting to hear it, you know? Yeah.

I wish I had like a, like I know I have it. I know I can find it. I know I had it. But like I saw these chicks come out of, when we were in Vegas. Yeah. Weren't we just in Vegas? Yes. Yeah. When we were in Vegas, I saw these chicks come out of the elevator. Really? Like maybe 400 pounds. Nice. Bikinis. Bikinis.

People really don't give a fuck, especially in Vegas. I was like, how did the fuck? I want that. I want that confidence, that blinding confidence where you're like, this shit fucking slaps, baby. Oh, man. I mean, I don't know. I should say that I have gotten good at some self-talk in those things, too. Because you know what I end up doing, man, when I feel the... I end up trying to remember that...

How would you talk to somebody that you cared about or one of your kids? And so I do actually do it. I practice the exercise. And I'll be like, you know what? Like...

You might not look the way you want to look, but you're putting in effort. It's improving. You should be happy that you're focused and making real effort. And you're making progress. And it might not be the progress with which you want it to happen. So I try to self-talk. And then, of course, inevitably...

At some point, I'll just be like, oh, who are you kidding? You fucking loser, fat piece of shit. But there's moments of uplifting self-talk that I think is helpful too, not just critical thoughts. That's wild that when you said, if my daughter was talking to herself the way, or either of my daughters were talking to themselves the way I was talking to myself, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? Don't ever think that way. That's horrific. But then I do it, and then I'm like,

I don't know. It's also motivating. To be critical? To be critical. Don't you wish you were like, who was I just talking to about this? Do you remember when we got in a stand-up and there were the kids that were like, amazing. I fucking crushed that room. And they all suck. And they all suck. They all suck. I remember the guys too that would be like,

don't you love watching footage of yourself? This is years ago. And I was like, no. He's like, oh, it's my favorite thing. I go, how do you withstand it? He was like, what do you mean? This is one of the green rooms. He's like, I love watching myself perform. I go, no, I have the hardest time watching footage of myself. I don't know how you do it. And then, of course...

I mean, I thought that guy sucked then, and then, yeah, he's pretty bad. I wonder if it's the same guy. I was watching a guy listen to his act, like listen to his act. And like smile. And he was like, oh, good, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, I just watched it live. I didn't have one of those for you. But you know what the funny thing is about the body stuff, though, is that you will –

We have all these things about like self-talk and healthy talk, but then you meet like certain people. And a lot of times in my experience, they're athletes. They're people who are in particularly good shape and they're super critical and super honest. So my thing is like, yeah, you're being, the rest of them are all fucking liars, man.

I like that you're being straight up about this. You know what I mean? So I embrace, I get that the super critical self-talk isn't productive per se, but also you mean, like I have friends that are like real athletes, and they do the super critical talk about this.

how hard you're working, what you look like, you know what? And there, and they'll be like, yeah, that's good. And they'll be like, this is, this shit over here. Isn't good. You need to fucking do some more squats. Like, and you're like, oh yeah. Like how come everybody else feels like, like what you're saying is the bad thing to say. You're just being honest. Actually, you know, I,

I, and you know, it's, I keep going back to comedy, but there are people who are so delusional about their sets and who they are that you're like, and you're like, what? Like I go, I just wish I had an ounce of it. I wish I had an ounce of it just to get through the rough parts of life where you're like, where you wake up and you're like, I keep pushing off. I keep postponing going back on the road. Cause I'm,

I'm like, I'm not fixing anything. I'm not slowing down. I'm not doing anything to grow myself. I can't go back on the road yet. So I keep pushing it. I mean, I'm still doing Vegas, but, or I did it, I guess already. But, but like, but I think with my, with not getting on stage and not doing standup and I'm trying to distance and just write, but I'm not living. And then I go like, how are these people like so fucking wildly confident? Like, it's almost like Christianity. Like they just, like, it's like a, like a,

like an air of superiority. And I go, I wish I had just a little bit to wake up with, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. So people have an incredible belief in, in there and, or delusion in themselves. I mean, I will say this about standup. My, my last, I I've said it to you before, uh,

The way I'm touring now has made this so much more fun for me. My weekend that I did a couple weekends ago was Eugene, Vancouver, Denver. That was one of the most fun weekends I've ever had doing stand-up. Really? It was so fucking fun. What made it fun? I mean, well, I have to say this. Just because I've heard people both in stand-up and observers of stand-up, this old...

of like, it's never the audience. Okay, it's always the audience. It's always the audience. So when you show up to a show and you have...

that is energetic and excited to be there, it becomes, you know, this is a symbiotic thing. It's like you play off each other. So they're energized and then it energizes you. So that dance that happens when it's like that, there's just nothing more fun. And so I had that in those three cities. The first ever comedy show at this Eugene Amphitheater, they'd never had a comedy show and it was fucking awesome.

unbelievable i had so much fun next day was in vancouver and it was raining and cold and windy and i was like i think because i've had multiple of those shows canceled because they're like yeah we can't do it so again i was like are we canceling this and they're like not in bc they fucking are they'll they're fine with the rain and it was all outdoor shows no but but that's part of the outdoor festival that show yeah so the eugene one was outside just happened to be outside but

The Vancouver one was outside. Weather was like, you got to be kidding me. And it was packed. We barely had no shows, like a couple no shows. I mean, like thousands of people were there sitting in the rain. And then the rain slowed down, eventually stopped. But they were like energized. They were fun. And then Denver is just fucking crazy.

That was... Denver's always been a big market for you. It's insane. It's insane. So that show was like... That's one of those shows where you get off and you're like, fuck, that felt like a taping. Like that was, you know, like one of those shows. So, I mean, I just... And I think what I'm getting at also is that my pace...

for the touring of like just doing like three cities in a weekend as opposed to like seven that I was doing before. It just makes it so much more fun. Like you look forward to the shows so much and then you get this break afterwards so you don't burn yourself out. So you're already like, oh, I can't wait till I go out again. Like that's just how it feels. Like this, where am I this weekend? I think Cleveland, Buffalo, Toronto. Is that right? Yeah, I think.

That's a nice little run. Yeah, but see, that's a nice pace. I wonder when I'll do stand-up again. Well, you're probably going to just slowly build again, right? Yeah. You have your release date? You have your date already? I have my release date. I was planning on going out right when I released it, but I think I'm pushing it more. I think I'm pushing it more and more every time I keep... Well, you do what I do, and like...

book some club weekends? So what I think I'm going to do and I'm, you know, it's what I'd like to do is I want to go out for a straight month, just a month, do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, all at clubs one off or do like little rock venues, not like theaters, but do clubs and, and really kind of

have fun. Like I did that during getting ready for the special. Yeah. I took the bus and drove across country and did shows every night and it was so fucking fun in clubs. It was so fun. And, and then, and so then I want to do that and then I want to do, I want to do theaters for like, do a, like a solid theater run where like, I mean, I, I would love to go back to arenas, but I don't, I don't, I like, I want, if I go do arenas, I want to have, I want to do an arena run that's right before,

right before I start to shoot my special. Like, I want to do... Like, the arena run I did last year was just... It was a lot. Because I was doing arenas Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And I was like... It was just a lot. It was a lot. And I want to really enjoy. I do think there's something having done...

One way and the other way, I do think there's something about that might be fun, and I think you would maybe enjoy, of picking the big theater in one of those towns. And locking it down for the weekend? Yes, and doing like five, six shows in a 3,000, 4,000, that type of thing. There's just something about...

That size for, you know, even though arenas are spectacular, amazing. Yeah. There's something really fun about doing a run of shows in a theater. Dude, when I got, when I did my special that doing it, I did it in the theater, the Mahaffey. I think that, yeah, the Mahaffey. And I, it was so different than doing it in arenas. It was so fucking on top. And it was like, so there, I was like, God damn it. I missed the theater energy. I love arenas. I love arenas. But man, that theater energy is funny shit. Hey, can we switch subjects and talk about something I've been dying to talk to you about? Yeah.

Shannon Sharp sex tape. Yeah. Do you believe it? Do I believe it? Like, do I believe that he accidentally went live? Like you said? Yeah. No, I don't either. No. I mean, cause here's the only reason I have had my phone in my hand and have ended up on the page that says like, like ready to post, like ready to upload. But there's another step you always have to take.

For going live also, you could accidentally have your phone and be like on the live, let's say, pre-setting. You have to confirm it to go live. It doesn't compute. For anybody that's done it, you know. You can take your phone, go to Instagram, try to go live, and you'll see it's a two-step process.

And here's the other thing is that like I got to tell you a secret now. Okay. This is a secret. And I didn't want to share this, but when this Shannon Sharp thing happened, I went. So in the past, I have been guilty of going fake live. Okay. I would sometimes, I thought it was a cool way to promote things.

They get a fake. An accidental live is so much bigger than a regular live. And it draws so much attention. I mean, it really does. So I went fake. I went accidental live one time. And immediately, Victoria called me and was like, yo, you're live. And my calls everyone. Everyone starts texting. Everyone I'm around. Yo, Bert's live. And they're like, yo, your phone's live. And I went, oh, shit. And I just did it.

Discarded, nothing, never heard another word from it. So then one time we're in the car and I was like, I think we had like, I think we had seats left at whatever, wherever venue were. And so I was like, yo, everyone in the car, I'm going to go fake live right now.

Okay, and we're gonna talk about the city we're in and just out of curiosity So we went fake live in my pocket I hit live I hit record and we all just start talking a little wild because people think it's real right everyone I mean, I'm talking everyone's phones blow up in the car. They're like Everyone's calling us. I mean people you like like fucking Chris Porter's calling me like yo, you're live everyone's calling everyone and

those tickets cleaned up within 15 minutes. And I went... I was like, wow, that's a really powerful tool. So when Shannon Sharp, who everyone's called gay, from Mike Epps to... Yeah, everyone. Yeah, that's the thing is there's a little sugar in the tank with him. Yeah. Yeah, a little sugar in the tank. When he goes...

fake live during when he goes live during sex I just I was like it's a little convenient and now it is it's a little convenient and I'm not that convenient and like the also like the the that narrative can be pretty vicious and aggressive yeah and like a natural way to combat that is to be like no no you see because one thing is you go no no I like women right everyone goes sure

Okay, here's a photo with me with women. And they're like, okay. Hey, how about me fucking somebody? Would that make you think differently? And that's what everybody's kind of come back with there. Because it's like, well, gay guys probably don't do that. So...

Gay guys don't fuck women on accident. Record it. I mean, yeah. So, yeah. It's nuts, though. It's a crazy fucking choice. The guy's like 55. Yeah. To be like, I'm going to fuck somebody live on the internet. It's just fucking nuts, dude. But you know, the narrative of calling him gay is in the black community to call a man gay. No, it's like. It's a death sentence. Yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty, like I said, it's kind of vicious the way it's done. It's vicious. And they were going after him about that. And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but you're gay. And he couldn't not step in gay. There's no way he ran that by anybody, though. That was just one of those things that he cooked up on his own.

Yeah, and more power to him, you know. Tired of people being like, why are you so zesty, Unc? So... Oh, Unc's getting after it. That would have been great, though, if he was like, if he was like, if he really was gay and he was starting to have sex with this chick and he's like, oh, God, this is not what I like. Don't turn around. Just let me fuck with your asshole real quick. Don't turn around. Goddamn, stop looking at me. Yeah, I want to see your face.

I want to go fake live. I want to go fake live. I want to go real live and have sex with Leanne. I was going to say, this seems like a total Burt move. Like, yeah, if you had, if you put that, do the same thing, phone faces the ceiling and we just get to hear you have sexually. And I think that would do real numbers for you. I, you should do that for the special when the special comes out.

I will. And by the way, I'll just go live. I'll go live and know I'm going live. And I'll tell everyone, yo, I'm going live. I'm fucking my wife. I want you guys to be a part of this. And I'll just put the phone. She won't know. Well, yeah, you can't let her know. That's the way to do it. Yeah, yeah. Man, I think you would know it was real because of the way Leanne talks during sex. Like, that's the other thing is like... She talks differently? Oh, yeah.

She says the kind of shit that catches you off guard. You know when someone gets hit by a car or falls into a pit of alligators and they say the weird thing like, Mama, help me! And then you go, oh, that's a real sentence. When Leanne has sex, she fucks real. Like she says, real shit. Crazy non-sequitur stuff. Yeah, and it's like redneck sayings. Give me an example. I can't because she'll get pissed.

I don't want to ruin it. No, I can't. Just tell us one. I can't. I can't. Are they the same? Is it a library that she pulls? Do you hear the same expressions? A lot of them in the same library, but I don't have a lot in my library. I talk a little bit now during sex. You do? Yeah. What do you say? Let me close my eyes. Go ahead. Come on. Just whisper. I want to hear it.

I can't. I can't. She can't get mad. It's your thing. Just fucking tell us, man. They want to know. I can't. It's going to be so good. Please tell me. I can't. Is it like Big Daddy stuff? Are you like, yeah, you're going to take that shit? This is my pussy. You do not. You do not. You say this is my pussy?

This has been a great episode, everybody. Just remember, this is Bert's pussy. Oh, shut the fuck up. Oh, wow. He really does say that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is my pussy. Oh, fuck. Whose pussy is this?

It's yours, birdie boy. It's all you, big boy. It's all you, big boy. Whose pussy is this? I just say it more inquisitive. Like, hey, whose pussy is this? Whose pussy is this? Do you know who the owner of this pussy is? I found this pussy. Is this your pussy or my pussy? Oh, my God. I'm sweating right now. I'm fucking sweating. That's how we know you really say that. That's fucking amazing. That's awesome. Yeah.

oh i i don't say i'm just like lower your voice uh front more it's not like you're taking this but harder yeah come on talk to me like a guy that's very fun all right we should wrap this up yeah that was a good episode shout out to the love on the spectrum kids you guys

Next episode, we need to talk about the new people on Instagram that we're falling in love with. The one lady you sent me that made the meatballs. I fucking love her. Did I nail that or what? Oh, my God. It's the thing I fucking love. Dude, if you're doing a cooking segment and you have the spiral heaters on your oven, I'm fucking there for it. He's a real big fan of lower income kids.

It just is so honest. It's so honest. It's like you are so not savvy about what you're trying to sell that it's sexy. That's what it turns you on. It's fucking sexy, dude. I get it. And my new favorite thing on the internet, my new favorite thing is the comments that are cruel but heartwarming.

hilarious yeah like whenever you see a video and then everyone runs to the comments that is my favorite fucking if I could create more content that would just allow people to fun roast me in the comments fucking I mean that's why I post all those dick pics because I was like

I want it to be fun in the comments, not like... Yeah. You know, like it's... I think that's... Oh, man, there's an overweight golfer instructor. I know who you're talking about. I fucking love... I know who you're talking about. I've seen his stuff. I hope that guy enjoys those comments because they make me howl laugh. He really knows...

He's a good golf instructor. He's a great golfer and a great golf instructor, but it's like Snack Nicholas. Yeah, yeah. He's a big guy. He's a big guy. Yeah. No, we'll get into that. Don't forget...

To go to tomscrow.com slash tour. See me on tour, please. Hey, can you guys, can you, oh, keep going. I'm sorry. That's okay. What were you going to say? Can you guys send me what I love on the internet? Send it to me on Instagram so I can watch more. Because Tom and I send it to each other. But if you guys listening, if there's someone you're in love with on the internet, in love with, in Instagram. I can't believe you're not into Fancy Chef yet. I mean, that's all I. Who's Fancy Chef?

I'll send you a few links. Okay. He's amazing. The only people I get videos from are Leanne and the girls, and it's all cat videos. And Isla. Isla, I'll tell you off air. Okay.

Don't forget to remind Bert whose pussy it is, and we will see you guys next week. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top of the other, wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.