American Horror Story: Tom’s Kids | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Well, I mean, we're in Bert's studio. I think you should take it away, Bertrand. Hey, I'm so glad you guys moved back to L.A. and not scam about the IRS thing. You guys pretended to be Austinites. It's done. We don't have to pretend that we live in Austin anymore. He's back. He's in Malibu. Done pretending. I love the Malibu house. Let's talk about that. They hate when we talk about our lives. Go ahead. Can I tell you? Okay, I want to show you a picture. First of all, Tom. Yes. Eight days off nicotine.

Eight days. Eight days off nicotine. Not me. I wake up, I spend my day, and I even go to sleep with rogues in my mouth. Go ahead. I got caught. I was doing threes, and I had three here, three here, three here, three here. Nice. I got caught. What, by the fucking TSA? Who caught you? My daughter's.

And they're like, and they were like, they were like, I was like, your feet, how many fucking Zins are you putting in? And I said, well, I'm just, I'm drinking. So I like to have them. I rotate them. And so when this one goes, I put this one in and then I go for six. And when I feel these going away, I put one in and then I'll pull this out. I had them all over the mouth. Yeah. And they were like, in Hawaii, they were like, you need to quit Zins. And I woke up the next morning and I felt like shit. I did feel like shit. And I was shaky and I couldn't figure it out.

And I went to the gym and I got on the treadmill and I went to put a Zen in and I go, what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? And so I said, all right, I'm not going to quit drinking this week because we're on vacation. But if I can quit Zens, maybe I'll feel better about myself and I won't wake up thinking about death. Dude, the withdrawals on Zens are –

Can I just say this? Please. I think it is a good thing that you quit Zins because rogues have so much more flavor. So...

You know what I mean? Those taste like wet or like dry paper towels, and these are like pieces of candy. I would go with these. Oh, I got to a place where I was putting anything in my mouth. I had Zenos. I had Breakers. I had everything. So you had serious withdrawals? I had legit withdrawals, like legit, in Hawaii, miserable. Cigars? Did you have some cigars then to kind of balance you out? No. So I didn't do cigars all the time.

All through Hawaii. And then when we got to Alabama, I said, I'm going to have a cigar. And I was like, I hope that I don't. But a cigar was fine. Totally fine. Didn't have any withdrawals. Dude, my withdrawals were so bad that I was sitting in Hawaii and beautiful. It's gorgeous.

And all I was thinking about was, uh, I want a Zen. I want something. I need something. I need something. Like I need a treat that fucking. And I was all I was thinking about. And then I was like, I'll just start drinking. And then I was like, wait, what is going on with me? Like my, I have no control right now. None. Uh, uh, thoughts about death when you woke up?

i mean you just said that that's all i thought about what like you dying or just death in general me dying me dying and and going like is this a new thing no i always think about death like that you're gonna die i think about death every single day you know what i did the other day i started counting how many days i had left

How many are there? Well, I don't know. I was looking at my father-in-law. We were with Leanne's family, and everyone's health is sideways in Leanne's family right now. And they're all my age, Tom. They're all my age. I met them when we were all the same age. And now people have diabetes and cancer and MS and everything, and you're sitting at a table going, I remember when I met you guys 22 years ago, and everyone was healthy and vibrant. And we were talking about our kids were young, and now everyone's got MS and cancer. And I'm just sitting there going, how old?

how did I dodge these bullets? Dude, my six year old woke up the other day, ear to ear. He goes, I had the best dream. I had the best dream, daddy. And I go, what'd you dream about? He goes, Zachary, Lisa, and Marlon. And I go, who's that? He's like, they're in my class. I go, Oh, what was, what happened in your dream? He goes, I cut off their heads with a chainsaw. Ah,

And I go, what? He goes, yeah, I had a chainsaw. And I just cut their heads off. I go, I know. I'm like, holy shit. I go, how did that make you feel? And he goes, happy. He goes, it made me feel happy. I go to cut their heads off. He goes, yeah. I love it. I love chainsaws. I go, okay. You want pancakes? What do you want to eat right now? So he thinks about death too.

He thinks about it the other way. I think about it one way. So wait, you're seeing these people deteriorate and then you're just going like, how long do I have left until it happens to me? I can't, you know, it's a real reflection of, I don't know if it's,

Don't know if it's regional meaning like they're all in rural, Georgia Yeah, so like it's not like it's you know It bums me out that you go to where they make they grow the cows and they grow the food and they grow it But you go to their store the the piggly wiggly and it's all processed shit It bums me out that you go to their Walmart. It's all processed shit Do you think some of their health stuff is just environmental that they just I don't know. I mean I I I have to live more unhealthy than these people I

Oh, I see. Like I have to, but I'm, but yet I'm here. I am. We're every morning working out. I was doing, I did this, uh, what was it? Uh, uh, devil's press burner of you do two and add two for every minute. And I'm down there. I'm working out. I run every day. I went into Hawaii. I ran every morning at seven in the morning and then went surfing every day from like eight. I got to tell you about surfing. I got to tell you about surfing, but, but, but I'm literally going like, I can't understand. I don't understand how.

how 50 in rural Georgia looks like 60 and 50 in LA looks like 45. Yeah. You know, like... Sure. It was just crazy. And then I would get sad, like, I don't know. It's...

Doesn't anyone want to watch rope swing videos? Yeah. They had a rope swing at the lake house. Oh, man. I was like, absolutely not. I've been tempting fate so fucking hard. Yeah. No goddamn way I'm getting on this rope swing. No, I would have said no. Hard pass. Yeah. Too many videos I've seen. Bro. Hey, how about the video I sent you this morning? Langston University.

HBCUs. Fucking... Dude, I watched. I deep dove. Langston University is the only HBCU in all of Oklahoma. And so that means all the black people in Oklahoma go to Langston University. They're going to want to go to an HBCU. Right? Sure.

And those fraternity meet the Greeks looks so much fucking fun. It looked like a carnival cruise is what it looked like. Yeah. It was like, we're about to set sail. We have a person of color that works for us in the building. No. When did you do that? Yeah.

It was a mistake. We just read the resume and we didn't do an in-person meeting. And then next thing you know, fucking boom, she's here. I've never seen you do that. Oh, it's a female? It's a female. We thought it was a dude. Her name's Kyle. We thought it was Kyle. Oh. They don't make black Kyles. So is it K-A-Y apostrophe E-I something? Okay, I get it. By the way, she's listening downstairs. No, I know. No, she's not? Good. Okay. Okay.

But I showed her. She went to an HBCU, and I showed her the video. Thanks for making her come in the back because I didn't see her on the whip. Keep going. I think she's going to have a problem with it now. Keep going.

No, she, she's, I feel bad. She really is awesome. She's, she's, she's at our house all the time. She's at our house all the time. And it's so, such a testament to being a good person that you don't say anything fucked up when there's just someone that just is in a different room. Then all of a sudden a black woman walks in. You're like, I haven't said anything wrong. I'm a good person. But, but she's, I said to her today, but, but I do say wild shit. Like I said, I am me. And so like today I showed her the video. I said, how fucking cool is that? That like,

that like these kids just sober having fun no one's drunk they're just having a great time and she goes why aren't why don't you think they're drunk and i was like because who says they're good kids she goes what what she's like i think that's racist she goes you don't think black kids are drunk in college i was like no just white white kids get drunk in college black kids go to get an education

and she was like ah that's some weird racist and i was like i was like wait she was like we did all we did was get up at an hbcu and i was like for real because i watched that video when you watch that don't you see them kind of just having a good time i don't think they're having a good time it doesn't i don't see booze anywhere i just saw like oh no delta hell no delta i loved i watched i

I deep dove that, Tom, for the whole fucking morning. And it cheered me up ear to ear. It looked like a lot of fun. It reminded me of marching bands. Like black marching bands are the shit. They're so much more fun. What's better, a black marching band or a step show? Marching bands are kind of unbeatable. No. Step shows? Halftime at an HBCU is unbelievable. Step shows? I see what you're doing. I get it. Step shows? What's up, Omega? I got it, but...

They're going to let you in if you keep doing it. I'll pitch it right now. I got nothing. School's starting. Anyone need a house dad? Maybe that looks really weird. That sounds funny. Yeah. Just drop house. Just say. Well, actually, no, that sounds worse. I feel like, does anyone need a dad? I know culturally how that adds up. I just drooled. I just drooled. I just drooled. I would love to fuck it. I would love to be like a.

I'm a frat dad where I go in and I organize stuff and pay for stuff. I mean, you're off tour. Are you glad to be off tour? I'm still working like crazy. Yeah, but you're not touring. I've got to be honest with you. I miss touring. I'd rather be touring. I don't like any of the other stuff. I like touring more than anything. I actually look at people on tour and I get jealous and sad that I'm not on tour. I'm so much healthier on tour.

You are healthier? Dude, I am so much healthier. I thought that would be where you're not healthier. No, everything's dialed in. I never have a drink before fucking like 10.30. At night? Yeah, because I'm working. If I'm doing stand-up, I'll have my drink at the end of the show or when I get off. And sometimes I don't even drink after the show. Smoke a little weed, get in the bed, listen to a fucking documentary on tarpon fishing, and I'm out. And then now I get – like in Hawaii, all I did was go like, so –

I remember casually going, what time is the bar open? And they're like, 1130. And I was like, where would someone get a drink if they wanted to get a drink before 1130? And they're like, I don't know. We have a mini mart in there. You can get a little bottle of vodka. And I was like, no, I'm just saying, I'm done. I just got done surfing. I just worked out. I got nothing left to do today but drink and smoke weed.

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Were you able to, did you bring weed or did you? I brought so much weed to Hawaii.

Because what I start doing is I start going like... Did you declare it on the agricultural checklist? Do you know Whitney did that? She did? Going into Canada...

We're on we're walking we get off the plane and I was like hey does anyone have weed because I don't know if it's legal in Edmonton or wherever we were and Whitney's like I have gummies and I have some dog walkers I have some joints and I was like cool, so we go in it's me Steph Toliff and Whitney we go into customs They put up the little signs and Whitney says what do we put if we do have weed and I went what are you doing? And and the guys like you have marijuana she was like yeah, and she declared her marijuana They took her into a room

I was like, why would you? We all have a vape pen or something. Don't declare it. You just fucking go through it. If they find it, you go, oh, I can't believe that's in this bag. Yeah. And then she declared it. They brought her in a different room. She gave them the gummies. She kept a joint. I don't know why she didn't tell them about the joint. She gave them the gummies and then they let her go. They were like, cool. Thanks for declaring it. Oh, my God. That's better than when they found a fucking half a pound of weed on my bus there. Tell me that story again. Tell me that story again. I wasn't there.

Your bus driver, he was like... He got cuffed. He got cuffed and they're like, you're going to jail. This is trafficking. No. Yeah, because what it was is in the bus...

you know how you do venues and a lot of times people are like, here's fucking some barbecue sauce. And you're like, great. And you know, here's some hats. And you're like, thank you. And apple cider. And they give you stuff and you, you just, you start collecting it. Like it's rude to leave it. So you just go, I will definitely enjoy this. And so you bring it on the bus and you just throw it into a fucking closet. And when I did LA, cause it's LA, uh,

Somebody had given us tons of weed, but I didn't ever grasp it because it was one of the high-end companies. You know what I mean? The vacuum seal pouches have designs on it. You're like, I thought these were new chips or some shit. They have colors and flavors. I just was like, thank you. It was a basket of 20 different bags, jars, and it was all weed. I just threw it in a closet.

And I didn't even know it was there. I didn't even know. I swear I didn't know it was there. So we're touring with it, going everywhere. And then I'll like, yeah, we'll meet you in Vancouver or whatever. See you there next week. And then I get the call. They're like, he's been cuffed. And then they're like, this is, then when he tells the customs guy, he's like, it's not mine. The custom guy, they're customs guys. He goes, you're the driver. You're alone. This is yours. And he's like, but I, he goes, I don't care what you say. That's yours. Everything is yours. Cause it's just you. Yeah.

And then he's just like, and he happens to, he's like, I'm just driving this for a client. Like he's still not saying, and then he goes, well, who are you driving? And he said my name and he just so happened to say it to a customs guy that was a fan. And then the guy was like, oh, for real? He's like, oh yeah, I'm a, I'm a big fan. Uncuffed him and was like, and let him keep it. And goes, just tell him, he goes, tell him to finish this shit before you cross the border again.

Shut the fuck up. Yeah. And he was in a real panic. The driver was like, hey, man, you just almost ruined my life. I was like, yeah, sorry. I got him a gun to make up for it. We used to have to take Ron to rent hotel rooms right by the border to leave his gun.

Then we'd have to leave his gun, and then I'd put my weed in there We get a hotel room to leave a stash a bunch of shit. Oh really yeah, that's enough stuff. That's cool thoughtful I miss Ron so much No still driving he's driving. He just drove uh he's driving I was just texting with one of his oh he just drove 85 south oh

Oh. I would. I would pay money to be on that fucking bus. That'd be a fun bus. The amount of shit talking on that goddamn bus. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The last time we went into Canada, I was doing a promo. We were on the bus, and I said...

I've got all my weed in a bucket in a box and I was like yo Canada I'm coming your way, and I'm getting rid of all the weed customs There's no reason to stop me This is all my weed then I was like maybe I'll just keep a little bit and then I was like but all my weed is off The bus you do not need to stop me well I didn't realize that if you call out Canadian customs people are gonna be like yo we need to we need to wait for this guy by the border so like so we're driving through it like four in the fucking morning and

And we go to cross the border, and they're like, everyone off the bus. And I get out, and the guy's like, man, you put up that video that our supervisor sent that to everyone. He was like, we've been waiting for you. Of course. We were wondering who was going to get you.

And I had told Peter and Kyle, my white Kyle, I had told Kyle. White Kyle. White Kyle to clear the bus off with all the drugs. And these two ninnies absolutely did not. No. No, they didn't check everywhere. I said, make sure we're going. I just posted a video calling out customs. Make sure they went through that bus with a fine tooth comb and they didn't catch any vape pen. They missed four blunts. There were, we had weed. We had weed on us.

we had so many edibles. Peter and Kyle did not catch any of our drugs, but they didn't, they didn't, they were cool. They didn't find it. I don't think they, I don't think they can find a vape pen to be honest with you. And so, but what's, what's cool is the guy's like, you know, he had to sit for like an hour and he was like, as they went through all our buses and he was like, uh,

He was like, yo, you know, you posted that video. We're sorry, man. We didn't want to have to do this. Like, he's like, you know, we're fans. You got lucky, too. Do you know what he did? He was like, just for your problems, for your troubles, here's a bunch of confiscated Cuban cigars. No shit. He gave you a box of Cuban cigars. Dude, that's fucking awesome. Customs can work out. There's also the thing that always blows my mind is that, like, when you travel, like, normal, like, you just fly in somewhere, you go through the whole process of, like,

walking through airports and then customs is a whole thing and you declare and you talk to an agent you talk to another agent then you walk and then when you're like touring sometimes we pull in and they're like what are you guys doing we're like well we're going to do shows and they're just like just go ahead you're not even gonna look at our passports or anything and they're like no you're good you're like okay that's that makes me feel safe thanks i brought i brought uh i brought

My stash of weed to Hawaii, I brought like pre-rolls of Blue Dream. There were like 18 of those. I had roughly, I thought I had roughly five vape pens. And then I had edibles, mint edibles, those little Kiva mints, like two milligrams of mint.

And then I got to Alabama and realized in the back where my computer was, there were, it was my stash from the last trip. So I had three vape pens in there and weed in there. And I was like, son of a bitch. And then I went to go leave it. I was like, I'm going to leave it in Alabama and just for the next time I come here.

And I usually do that. But I always bring new stuff anyway. But I went to leave it, and someone else in that family smoking weed. I found a bunch of dog walkers. Oh, nice. And I was like, huh, interesting. Who else smokes weed in this family? That's pretty cool. Maybe that's the cause of their health problems. Would you think you'll smoke weed in front of your kids? No, probably not. Ever? I mean, it seems like it's pretty far away for me to say for sure, but I don't think so. Do you smoke in front of your kids? I don't. They don't have any clue about that stuff yet. They caught me once.

How'd it go? They told on me. Yeah, of course. I was smoking a joint in the backyard thinking I was cool by my fire pit. And they came out and I threw it in the fire pit thinking it would catch on fire. And it just sat there, illuminated. Like it's a gas fire pit. It just sat there. And then they came out and smelled it. They're like, wait, are you smoking weed? And I was like, don't tell mom. And they're like, mom. And I was like, you guys bitches. You're grounded. You're going to get grounded, dad. Do they smoke weed? Yeah.

Yeah, I think they do. I don't know. I told her. I think so, yeah. I called out Isla. I went to Alabama and I asked Leanne's cousin, Stephanie, if she wanted to get high. She went, no. And I said, have you ever smoked pot? She went, no. And I went, Isla has. And Isla was like, Dad, do you know what my daughters did the other day, Tom? Coke? No. Oh, what? They asked my body count. They did? Did you go, and what's yours? I'll tell if you tell me yours.

I think they're both at zero. Zero? I'm almost positive they're both at zero. Maybe Georgia. I don't know, but I think they're both at zero. I really think they're both at zero. Did you tell them? Well, okay. I want to know how you feel about this. Okay. So we're at Leanne's Lake House in Alabama. Okay.

And they just put up pictures of her grandparents and all the fun times they had at the lake house before this part of the house was built. And when they all just lived in Granny and Pop's cabin. And they put up all these pictures. And I look at one of the pictures, and it's pictures of Leanne's grandfather and this guy laughing. And I said, who's the guy? And Leanne goes, that's my ex-boyfriend. And I was like, why the fuck would they have a picture of him up? She goes, I don't know.

And I was like, why would you guys do this? And they're like, I don't know. It was great. We love it. Yeah. So I took the picture down and I fucking hit it. It's so childish. Keep going. Fuck them. And so I was like, this is bullshit. I hid the picture. And then now there's just a hook. There's a bunch of pictures and a hook with no picture. And so we get into the car and Isla goes, that was pretty fucked up.

Go yeah, right does that and George was like yeah, that's really messed up And then they're like you know he's he was really cute, and I was like wait easy And I know he's a good-looking guy. They're like we your ex-girlfriends pretty I was like what do you think I fucked dogs, and they're like no I mean like chose picture your ex-girlfriend I was like well not now like when they were when I met them they were hot you know I'm not gonna pull up now and then Isla goes wait how many girlfriends have you had I was like oh like six seven

And then she looks at me and she goes, wait, what's your body count? And I was like, oh my God.

I was like, are you being serious? And then Georgia starts laughing. She's like, yeah, what's your body count? And I said, six. And they're like, what? They're like, that's all the people you've had sex with. And I was like, that should seem like a lot to you, too. Like, I want you to be like, whoa, where did you meet all these people? Yeah, yeah. But they're like, that's it? And they're like, what's mom's body count? And I was like, this conversation's over. Oh, my God. And they're like, wait, mom's got more bodies than you? And I was like, shut the fuck up.

And by the way, Leanne's in the front of the car with her dad. Her dad's deaf. He can't hear anything. So like the two of them are talking and me and the two of us are whispering. And I know Leanne can hear what we're talking about. And she's just like, hold on, daddy. What are y'all talking about back there? And I was like, nothing.

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Do you know her count? It's not that much more. I think it's like $8,000.

Okay. But it's definitely higher than mine. Mine's like, mine's like, mine look like comes with a story like six and they're like, yeah, did you serve time in prison or something? Yeah. How long were you in the military? And you're like, what? Like, did you work for the peace? Are you gay? Yeah. I don't know. Uh, that'd be weird to talk about with your kids for sure. Oh, my daughter's, it's weird. Cause Isla leaves, Isla leaves for college this week.

And Georgia leaves this week, and it's over. My family's over. It's over. It's not over. It's over, dude. It's over. You're going to have grandkids next. No, I don't think so. Although I did ask them if they wanted to have kids. Yeah. And both of them said they wanted to have kids. And then they said, because mom was such an amazing mom, it inspired me to be a parent. And I went, well, what about me? And they're like, you were around. Yeah.

That's the same speech I'm going to get from my boys. So I can imagine. They're always just like, mom's the best. And I'm like, yeah. But I mean, yeah. What did they say the other night? They were like, Julian goes, I never want mom to die. And Ellis goes, yeah, mom or dad. And then Julian goes, yeah, mom. I was like, right. Just mom. Just mom. Yeah. They said, I said to Georgia, yeah.

I was like, what are you thinking about? She goes, when you die, I'm going to keep your necklace. And I was like, whoa. I was like, that was what you were just thinking about? She was like, yeah. What are you thinking about? And I was like, I was hungry. I didn't think we could get something to eat. Yeah. I think it's so funny. There's things about kids. I want your necklace. She goes, I think I should get it. And I was like, yeah, you should. And it made sense. It's like Isla would get it, but then never wear it. Georgia would get it. She'd wear it.

She'd think about me. George is very thoughtful fucking it's so funny you know the girls have grown up and there's so many times where they're like I

They're young adults and and you see it in them when you go to eat You don't see the little kid anymore like yeah when you when you get on a plane You know they're like they got there in their own heads and George of Georgia such a fucking weird person I mean I mean this would love but like she reads Tom She'll read a book that like no one's heard of and then she'll take notes on the book while she reads it She'll read it and then write inside the book with a pen. That's right. Oh

smarter people do yeah yeah i i don't understand i said i kept the whole through hawaii i go what what do you like about what are you thinking like you they these sentences make you think

She was like yeah, I get inspired and then I have a thought I write down my thought I go don't you just want to get done with the fucking book she goes Oh, I don't want the book to end. She's like this is one of the best books a book about Patti Smythe I think I'm petty Smythe Patti Smith, I don't know it's a punk rock lady. Mm-hmm I don't know no one's ready about the book ever and no one and so then I was like I was like yo Can I give you books that I want you to read then you tell me about them? She's like yeah

That's good. That'll be a fun memory for her one day. No, it's good. What I want, what I want, I said, I said to her, I'm going to send you books and then you read the first, first 50 pages is like the most boring shit in the world. Yeah. And then once you get out of that, you, that's when you decide if it's a good book. I'm not going to spend. You'll give it 50? No, me, no. I give it, I give it like, I'd never read the prologue. Yeah. I never read the foreword, any of that shit. It's like, put that, if you want me to read it, call it chapter one.

Call it chapter one, yeah. Yeah. I'm not... Don't call it prologue because that looks like fucking homework for me. How long will you give it before you say, this is some bullshit, I'm not reading this? I need it to start pretty quick. Yeah, no, I agree. Yeah, like probably 20 pages, 22 pages. Ryan Holiday said this great thing about that one time because I was telling him about quitting a book. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, you should. He goes, you should. Yeah. He goes, that's the author's fault.

So don't feel bad about quitting one. Quit it if it doesn't grab your attention, if you don't like it. It's not a good book. That's the author's responsibility. But pick up another one and see if that one, but just stay reading, but don't feel an obligation to finish a book. If you're reading it, it's like anything else. You're eating something. You're like, this sucks. You don't go, well, I'm just going to eat fucking all this food. It sucks. Just don't eat it. Yeah.

I got James Mishner. Do you know who he is? I don't. Okay. James Mishner is... Let me see if I can read a description of him. He is a fiction writer.

A genre-bending fiction writer. Wait, very importantly. Let me just, I just remembered. Go. I just went on sale with Boston at TD Garden and Austin at the Moody Center. They're on sale, and it's at tomscrow.com slash tour. Get tickets. They're in early 25. Thank you. Oh, that reminded me. I have nothing on sale. The...

Boston Garden that's gonna be fun as fuck that's gonna be fun so is Moody's gonna be great can't wait yeah Moody yeah home date that was my last uh my last tour so um James Mishner I just want to give you I want to explain who he is most of his books are fictional family sagas covering the lives of many generations set in geographic locales incorporating detailed history events

So he writes a history book based on characters that he comes up with based on real life things that happened in history. Wait, he makes up stuff based on history? He makes up the families. Okay. So like they're not real people, but he bases it in real historical moments. Okay. So the book is, I like history books. So it's a history book, but kind of like. Did you watch Turning Point? Wait, what is that? The nine part docu-series about the Cold War.

- Yes, I did. - It's fantastic. - On Netflix? - Yeah. - It's fucking amazing. - It's fucking fantastic. - It's fucking amazing, dude. - It is really. - It's fucking amazing. - I didn't realize.

How good it is, it's so well produced, and how informative, and how much you don't know. And then you watch that and you're like, oh my God, it's incredible. Sorry, keep going about it. No, no, no, no, no, no. I just listened to a documentary about the Russian, the second revolution they had tried to do in 1991 to Mikhail Gorbachev. They had a revolution to get him out of office and try to kill Yeltsin. Yeah, it's covered in the coup, the attempted coup against Gorbachev, yeah. That's what I was talking about. That's where I saw it, yeah.

So Mishner writes historical books. This is, okay. So remember this, I'm quitting sins. Okay. And so I start reading this book, Hawaii. So like he does one called the Caribbean where it's all about the history of the Caribbean. Really great when you travel to a place to read a Mishner book. Yeah. I remember when I was a kid, James Mishner died in 1997. He lived in Austin. Right. But I remember when I was a kid, my uncle was like,

If you're going to travel, read Mishner because he explains the place you're going to and it gives you the history of that place. And it's really fun. It makes the traveling, it makes the reading fun because you're there. Yeah. So I'm like, all right, cool. I'm going to go, I'm going to read Hawaii. It's one of his books. I'm going to read Hawaii. I'm going to Hawaii.

I mean, it starts, and it starts about the development of the islands in Hawaii, about these two brothers. One's a king and how they live in Bora Bora, but they're getting human sacrifices and they need to get off their island. It's really fascinating. And then they travel to Hawaii. They take the boat to Hawaii. They...

And, like, they don't have kids, like, because they just bring men. And then all those – they make a trip back to Bora Bora, and the women are like, what do you want us to get? You know, like, pigs or anything? And they're like, bring back children. This place is dead. It's, like, really fascinating, right? Then it talks about the Yale settlers that came out to bring Christianity to the islands. And then it talks about –

The Hawaiians, and this is an audio book, and I'm listening to it in the middle of the night and I'm sleeping. Now, I forget that this book was written in 1956, okay? Some colorful language? Buddy, when the Hawaiians talked, I woke up laughing hysterically. It was so racist. It was like...

Me no want no wampum. It was so bad. And I was like, who the fuck? Because I forgot that this audio book was written in 1956, right? So I'm like, who the fuck? What? It is so overtly racist. But clearly, you know, the publishers back there are like, sounds right. Oh, yeah. Sounds good to me. Island folks. Yeah. Island folks.

I could not stop laughing and I couldn't listen to the rest of the books. I was like, I can't, I can't sit through this. Nice. Like I'm, I can't take it serious. I forgot. It's a problem. I said to a history guy one time, I said, you know, I read some of these books like about native Americans. Like one of the ones that Joe recommended. Yeah. I was like, I was like,

It doesn't, it doesn't like, it's not a good look for the Native Americans. And he was like, you got to remember, a lot of these books were written by old racist white men. Yeah, for sure. And I was like, oh yeah. Yeah, that's a painted a different color. I like it. Yeah. This is like my uncle talking. I love this book. By the way, I couldn't begin to guess why this photo is up on the screen. Oh. I've been looking at this and I'm like,

I'm like, what could you possibly want to tell me? And I'm really, it's like a game I'm playing in the background of my mind of like a car and a half parked on a street in front of a, I'm like, okay, what is this? What gender do you think parked that car? What gender? Oh, now I see. Taking up three spaces. What gender do you think lives in a world where taking up three spaces isn't something that they'd notice? A female minority? No.

No? She's very white. Okay. I got it halfway right. He got it right. He got it. It's fucking women. Only women park like this where they go, huh? What? Yeah, there's not enough. I got you.

You can't put a car behind it now because you'll block the driveway, and you can't put a car in front of it and the other car. We pulled in last night from whatchamacallit. Yeah. Wait, you know who parked this? Oh, yeah, that's Rachel Ardlin. That's one of our employees. Rachel Ardlin parked like that. She parked like that. Just like, oh, here's a spot. I'll take all of them. I'm assuming that you wrote her hard about this, right? Oh, it's on our chat thread right now. That's all anyone's saying. And how did she respond?

I'll tell you that's always Interesting to hear the explanation her explanation was I'm a three-girl spot. I'm a three-spot girl Yeah, it's called let me not accept responsibility. She said just to be fair there someone could park in front of me and behind me Yeah, those little tiny BMWs that are five feet long. Oh, yeah. No, that's a terrible parking job. Good call Yeah, the shamer shamer every day. Well, you should frame this photo. Oh

We should. We pulled in from the airport last night from Alabama, and a woman had parked in front of our driveway. Blocked the driveway? Parked in front of our driveway, and I...

Was going to lose my shit on her. And I had been drinking. And I was gonna fucking. And she was out. She had just parked it. And we were pulling in. She had just parked it. And my neighbor was cool. He came out and he was like, yo, you can't park in front of someone's driveway. She was like, oh, I didn't know that was their driveway. I was like, no, that's the indention where it meets the street. That's how you know that's not a curb. That's the driveway. I didn't see it.

I just, I waved somebody down today on a one-way. He was driving the wrong way on a one-way. It was a black dude. And I go, hey, you're going, this is a one-way. He goes, oh, he goes, oh, okay. Like, okay. I go, yeah, you can turn around right here. He goes, I know how to turn around. And I was like, okay, fucking. I told you, do you remember, did I ever tell you a story about when a famous rapper and gang member lived next door to me and they blocked our driveway? I remember. Who was it? You can say who it was.

It was YG. Yeah. Yeah. YG was, it was. But if I remember correctly, your wife wanted to be aggressive. Oh yeah. YG has, his buddy gets out of jail and so they're throwing a party for him. And, uh, and I met all of YG's friends. One day they were, they were moving, uh, uh,

A Mercedes. They were getting it put on the back of a flatbed. Flatbed. Flatbed is what you eat. Yeah. Flatbed. Yeah. I got it. I know you're hungry. It's fucking, it's hungry. It's time to eat. They're putting on the back of a flatbed. Yeah. And I was out waiting. It was, hang on. So just to be fair, they were our next door neighbors. And Leanna had called me and told me, I hate when you're, the thing that you have to do isn't cool and it doesn't sound real.

Leanna called me and said hey, do you want to go get ice cream? And I was like I would love to get ice cream She goes meet me out front so I walk out front and they happen to be putting this car in the back of a flatbed in Front of my driveway, so it looks like I'm coming to say can you get out of here? But it's it's all YG's guys are there I don't know if YG was there, but all those boys are and and I was like hey What's up? They're like we'll be out of here in a second, and I was like I'm just getting ice cream And they're like huh I was like oh fuck

I was like, my wife's coming to pick me up. We're going to get ice cream. And they're like, really? And I was like, yeah. I was like, this is what it's like to be white, man. We go get ice cream. And then I was like... You guys want to come? And they're like, no, we're good, man. Do you guys like ice cream? Do you want me to get you something to bring something back? You like a bowl or a cone? Do you guys want sprinkles on it? Sprinkles are still cool, man. They still work. I said to the guy, I said...

I tried to change the subject. I go, I like this car. And the guy goes, do you? And I was kind of shitty, and I went, yeah. And he goes, you have the same car. And I said, I do? And he said, yeah. And I said, my car doesn't look like this. He goes, there's a kit on this. We're going to replace the kit. But yeah, you should get your windows tinted. That was when I asked you, should I get my windows tinted? Because he was like, you should get your windows tinted. And I was like, really? He's like, yeah, everyone can see you in your car.

I was like, oh, this is a cool car. And then Leanne comes up, fucking this country bumpkin. All these guys are wearing red. She's like, y'all going to practice? And I was like, oh, shut the fuck up. You guys got a game today? I was like, Leanne, they're in a gang. Let's go. Let's go. They're gang members. Let's go. What? I love red. Shut the fuck up, Leanne. And so...

We get in the car to go get ice cream. But I talked to that guy. We were talking about shoes. And he was like, yeah, we've got a shoe company. And I was like, dude, I love shoes. And just bullshitting. I think I followed him on Instagram or he gave me his number and just texted me.

So then like two nights later, they got a buddy. I remember I was in the hot tub and I texted you. You texted me and you're like, hey man, your neighbor's throwing a party. And you sent out one of the videos and they were throwing guns and money in the center. A bunch of girls were dancing and I heard the party from my hot tub. And I was like, wait, there's firearms next door to me right now. Like someone's getting out of prison today. I'm in real time. It was a wild moment. So I go inside.

And Leanne goes, someone's blocking the driveway. I'm calling tow truck. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. That's YG's friends. Like those are his buddies. We're not going to go. She goes, he ain't going to do shit. He's the neighbor. He's the neighbor. He ain't going to do shit. I was like, no, YG's not. But his guy who is his boy who needs to prove that there's a reason that he's on the payroll, he's going to come beat us and piss on us. Like we need to keep –

You're fucking do not like by the way. I go also. He's our neighbor like let I'm not I was like She goes well go over and talk to him I go walking over fucking knocking on the door where they're throwing handguns and money on top of strippers I'm not gonna and I was like god damn it and that's why I called his buddy And I was like I was like hey, man I was like I I don't know if this is one of your people, but there's a car blocking our driveway and you know you know whatever and

He just hits me up me. There's like dude. I'm not at the party, but good looking out I really appreciate that I'll get it moved in a second and then I walked out front and why she came out and he was like Hey, man, thank you very much And I was like no of course got in the car moved it and he's like I'm so sorry and it was when we were under construction a little bit too because it you couldn't really there was a Chain-link fence across the thing so it maybe kind of didn't look like a driveway yeah, and so and so

But he was really cool, and I was like, that's how you handle it, Leanne. And then randomly, we're at the fucking Rams game the next weekend, and fucking YG is in the fucking suite next to us. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. I was like, yo. And then they all came over and had a drink, and then one of Leanne's friends called the cops. So it was cool. That's cool. It's good neighbor stuff, man.

security showed up and they're like what's going on in here I was like they're my friends and they're like oh she I didn't know I just thought too okay I'm sorry okay sorry I was like what the usually when I see this much red I just call them they were playing the Cardinals that day oh yeah they were playing the Cardinals and so yeah it was a good fit yeah that is nice it's nice why geez man can I tell you I got like I get obsessed with things very easily okay yeah wait is he still your neighbor no no no no no

It's Machine Gun Kelly now, I think. He's your neighbor? Yeah, I think so. He just bought a new boat. At the house? I saw it today. It's a beautiful fucking boat. He pulls the boat into the house? No. I think it's Machine Gun Kelly. I don't know who it is. It's always a huge music artist. There's a studio inside that boat. Wait, you're just randomly guessing it's Machine Gun Kelly? No, I know it was Machine Gun Kelly. He's been in and out. Yeah.

But uh yeah, I don't really like go over and ask for butter or anything So I don't know who's there right now But I think it's machine gun Kelly and there's a huge fucking truck and he just bought a huge fucking boat And I'm so jealous. Yeah, I'm like God man dude boats are fucking why don't we ever go out on your boat? We can do you know how to drive it? Yeah, take it out all the time. No you don't yes I do do you really yes, do it do you wakeboard? Did you wake surf at all? No? I haven't done that well. We can do it all right

I'm going to make a trip because now that I don't have children anymore, I'm going to make a trip down to Austin and stay for a while. Okay. I'm going to stay for a while. I'm going to fucking stay at Shane's house. Do it. It's empty, right? Probably. Yeah. He's doing stuff. He's in Philly, I think, right? I don't know. Hey, okay. Can I tell you what I'm obsessed with right now? Is it not wherever YG moved to? I don't know. Were we talking about that?

Yeah, you were just saying... Oh, no, no. I was obsessed with YG, but I was obsessed with... He's like a... I don't know. I'm always fascinated when you see the other side of people. Matt McCusker had a video he posted with him and his son on his lap, or his daughter on his lap, and he was reading a book by himself. He was reading a book and taking care of his kid, but he was reading, and I was like, oh, wow, that's so weird. I can't imagine being interested in reading something. But when you... I saw a video of YG doing...

Math with his son or his daughter and he was breaking it down for and I was like, oh I never did that shit. You know, I love when you see no man I did not you never read a book to one of your kids and was like I couldn't about I couldn't why not I'm dyslexic first of all So I have a hard time reading and I would I was broke then and so I would wait you say that but you also do read like I've seen I know so how do you know? I I don't know man. I can do I can do read, you know, I I don't know like I miss read I miss read

I misread something the other day. It's the reason I don't read comments is I misread things and then I get in and out of there and I get angry and then it's not what I read. It's not the real thing they wrote.

I'll misread it. Yeah. And so it's, I don't know, my dyslexia, I can read, I can read fine and I can read prompter. I got to practice it. I can't do it like I got to do it a couple times. You know, I'm not good at like on the fly reading. Like there's dudes like Jake Paul, Logan Paul can fucking legit read out loud. That's pretty impressive. It's because you don't expect that from him. You know, you don't expect him to be learned. Yeah. You know, you don't expect it. Like when you think of their childhood, you don't think of them like Mario Lopez. Yeah.

Great out loud reader great out loud reader great out loud reader Tom Brokaw, dude one of the Tom Brokaw I just watched a documentary on Dan Rather great also great out loud reader a lot of those time news anchors can pull that off Yeah, just watch the documentary on Julio Cesar Chavez and how was that? I didn't realize I didn't realize I didn't realize how fucking crazy that was I

It's a movie, but it's about his life, so it's not a documentary, really. It's a biopic. Dude, it was fucking awesome. He went on a 25-day hunger strike. For what? Grapes. He just wanted more? No, he didn't want... The Grape Pickers Association, GAPA, was...

They were horrific to the pickers. Yeah, the migrants and everything? The migrant workers. They were horrific to them. They made $2 a day. Jesus. And he was like, yo, he's like, honest days work, honest days pay. And they were like, eh, go back to your country. And he was like, we're American. What?

We're going to stay here, but we just want to be compensated. And how do you say strike in Spanish? ¿Cómo se dice strike en español? Juelga. Juelga. Juelga. Juelga. Juelga. And...

And it just showed like all the work he did. Like they walked from where they lived. It's like, I'm sure it was like probably like near Modesto or somewhere all the way to Sacramento. Yeah. And, and like thousands of people, like it's like those, one of those marches. His name is everywhere. Oh bro. He's the man. He's the man, especially out here. He's the man. He changed the lives for the majority of Mexicans. He was their Martin Luther King. Yeah. Junior, junior.

Right, not senior. I understand. Not senior. But I get obsessed with things. Can I tell you? And all of a sudden I get obsessed with Julio Cesar Chavez. Now I can't stop fucking. Am I saying his name right? It was a little off on that time, but go ahead. Is it just Cesar Chavez? Chiza? Chiza. Chiza. Chiza Chavez. I get so excited about talking, I don't say the words right sometimes. Okay, Julio Cesar Chavez is the boxer. No, wait. Where's Cesar Chavez? Fuck me. I've been doing research on Julio Cesar Chavez.

Yeah, this is who you were thinking of. No, I watched a documentary on Cesar Chavez and then started doing research on Julio Cesar Chavez. I was like, wow, these are two different stories almost. Yeah. Yeah. But my favorite thing right now about the internet, because we got into a thing. Me and you and Joe and Ari were talking about how social media –

One day they're going to look back and go, this is as bad as the opioid crisis. This is so bad for mental health. Terrible. I mean, I wish we could get in exact details because that would be so juicy. There's going to be, there are,

just countless stories already about how it has destroyed people's... If you just look at plastic surgery alone, of young ladies who don't need plastic surgery, getting plastic surgery to keep up with what they see on social media, that is heartbreaking. Fucking heartbreaking. And then every once in a while, you also meet people. That's the other thing I've realized. You meet people sometimes...

who have zero social media presence, like through a conversation, like they're just like, I don't have any of that. And you just realize how well adjusted they are, like how much healthier they are mentally and emotionally. Like you can pick it up quickly. You're like, oh, you're not, you mean you're not shooting up? You're not taking the poison? Because it is. I think it is a poison. The girls, when we were in Hawaii, they looked at my screen time and my screen, and this is when I was quitting sins also. My screen time was 18 hours a day.

It's pretty aggressive. Yeah, because what it is is I'm on my phone roughly 18 hours a day. There's cheek I tried to defend it and go I do listen to podcasts while I sleep so that that counts as while I'm sleeping and they go still dad even if you've slept for 10 hours there's still 8 hours you're on your phone like on your fucking phone 8 hours and

And I don't use Instagram. I'm not Instagramming anything about me or comedy. I'm looking at things I'm interested in. So it does distract me.

But at the same time, when you meet someone who doesn't have social media, you're like, oh, you're like a throwback human. Yeah, totally. Totally. I think it distorts people's reality. It fucks up people's self-esteem. People get lost in the attention, approval of it all and –

yeah I think it fucks with people big time it really does and it also like to your point about time I mean it can just suck away life like if somebody is really spending that much time day after day after day then they're not involved in real life right like they're just like

They're living in this thing. Then they jump into the real world. And that's the thing sometimes you can experience as you go, like you get obsessed on something in social media. Then you go out in the real world and you're like, yeah, this is not what's actually happening. I'm in this, I'm in this matrix, this crazy place where this is not really happening. It's not positive. It's not positive. And it's not, you know, it's like, uh,

Only to touch on it for a second, but there was a clip I sent to you of Marc Maron and Bobby Lee talking about Maron having contrived beef with me. It wasn't real beef. He was talking about Dave Chappelle. People thought he was talking about me. I've talked to Maron about this. I talked about him in January. We're fine. But what's crazy about it, what's crazy is both Kalilah and Bobby –

And it was hard to compartmentalize because I went through it. Like I went through people sending me the clip and going, yo, he's talking about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went through it and it bummed me out. But both Bobby and Clyla in that clip are like, yeah, I remember it. That was awesome. Yeah, they're like, it's exciting. It was fun. Yeah. And it's so crazy that. And here's the thing. That's how most people feel.

Because it's like, you're kind of like, it's like a modern day form of gossip. Like seeing a clip where somebody is talking about somebody you know, or you think they're talking about somebody you know. And it does be like, people do get excited by that. Because we've shared...

clips of other people. Yeah. You know what I mean? And you go like, oh no shit. So I mean, I get it. It is like a, it's like a version of a reality show. You're like, oh my God, you see this person say this and then people get like,

Yeah, they get some type of rush from that whole thing, for sure. It's gossip. It's so wild because it does affect you. It affects you. When that was happening, I was really bummed out. And I was with you the day Maren called me. Or I called Maren. Maren called me or I called. We were together in Las Vegas. Oh, were we? Yeah, and I was like, dude, did you see this? And then I go, we were at the gym. And I was walking back from the gym. And I got back to the room and Maren called me and I was like,

And then, by the way, it didn't get better because I'm friends with Chappelle. So I'm like, well, okay, cool. I can never share this story. I can never defend myself about this. I just got to let it sit and ripen where everyone thinks that you're shitting on me for doing arenas. And so I was like, I'm not going to go, guys, he's actually talking about Dave. And then Maren said it. I was like, I can't believe you said that. I don't know why. But whatever. Mark's Mark. And I love Mark. I don't have any. But it sucks when it's like, it's you. Here's the crazy part, right? Is like.

I sent, I've been sending you clips of the, my favorite accounts on the internet or on Instagram are hateful comment sections.

The comment sections where if it was you and would hurt so bad, but when it's not you it's Hysterical and I don't read comments because it does affect me like it does I will it'll bum me out that someone will go This fat fuck all he does to take a shirt off like it's like the dumbest the dumbest slam that is inaccurate to me is like

He's not funny. He never was funny. I go, I had to be a little funny. Like, are we going to? Never? Can you really say never? Can you really say never? I want to sit that guy aside and go, never. I've never made you laugh. Never. Never. How did I make you this angry? Yeah, how did I make you so angry? Can we work on us together? Can we get into couples therapy and figure out why you hate me and what I'm doing to make you hate me? I have so much disdain come at me from people with little to no means.

And it's just like a constant fucking barrage of just like, I'm so poor. I can't relate to anything you say. And I'm just like, okay, I don't know what to tell you. I donate to charities. Like something positive has to come out of this. But it's constant. It's constant. Well, you know, it's so funny that when Juvenile got kicked off the plane. Yeah. What happened there? I don't understand this. Okay. It happened to me one time.

So Juvie the Great. Juvie the Great. By the way, 48 years old. He's on a flight, American Airlines flight. And the clip is him in first class. Just to paint this picture, it's him in first class. And he's like, they're trying to kick me off this flight. And you're like, wait, what? And then you see the pilot go, yeah, you need to go back to economy. Go to coach. You're like, what are you talking about? And...

So like the only things that come to mind are, because at first you go, people get kicked off of flights and it's usually for like erratic behavior, but they're not like go to coach. They're like, get off the plane. But this is pretty clearly go back to economy. Yeah. And so I'm like, wait a minute. Are you saying he's in the wrong seat? Like he doesn't have the right seat?

Or are you saying, I know you have this seat, but we're kicking you back there? And it's not clear from... I'll tell you what happens. I don't know the story. As someone that's happened to... It's happened to me. And what happens is...

I guarantee you it was a 767 that they had – I can almost tell you. I can guess the plane. Maybe it was a 757 or it was a 767, and they downgraded it to an MD-80 or a 737 where there are less first-class seats. And so in doing that, they then go by priority of how often you fly, how much you pay for your ticket, and you get to maintain your first-class seats.

And then people who have a discounted first class ticket or less priority, you've got to sit and coach. It happened to me, an American. I bought like a T-class first class ticket. It was a cheap first class ticket. I bought it. It was like first class for 600 bucks. I was like, I'm in. It's normally like 13. But see, even this explanation alone is infuriating. Well, actually, it's infuriating that this can happen. Yes. But I think it's also informative. Like if somebody would go like,

It's a very confusing world how it works. Here's what happens. So if you don't check in, if you don't know that this is happening and you still have your ticket and they let you on the plane, you still have a ticket that says you can fly on this flight and you're at 1C.

And so you'll go sit in one seat and then they'll go, oh shit, we didn't, we should have issued you a new ticket and we should have discussed this. They should have discussed this with them at the counter. They did it to me on the plane and I lost my shit. They told you you were getting booted? They moved me from first class to coach in a middle seat. And I was like,

And I got so livid and I called Delta and I tried to explain to the lady, listen, we're both not rich. Like me and you are not rich. If you were in first class and they moved you and she was like, sir, there's nothing I can tell you other than there was a –

We had to change planes. We had to do that. That was the only other option you have. They should have had this conversation with him out at the gate. Instead, he got on the plane and they sat down and they had to have it with him on the thing. And I don't think Juvie was in a place to hear or, and I wasn't, I wasn't when it happened to me. And so that's what happened. He's talked to American Airlines since I've been following it. But the reason I sent it to you, Tommy, this is what made me laugh so hard. The fucking, the title of it is, the title of it is, uh,

Oh, it's from Kevin Clancy. That's why I said that. Oh my God. It's from Kevin fucking Clancy. I thought the news clip was, you're going to make me fly with the poors. And I thought it was on CNN. And I was like, wait, you're going to make me fly with the poors? And I go, did Juvie say that? And it's probably Kevin just making fun of you saying that. Probably. Which, by the way,

I fly with the pores too I'm a regular guy I'm with pores all the time I take the bus I ride a bike I don't know what else to tell you man pores are so mad at me um who's your favorite designer designer what do you guys don't even know about that huh I wouldn't even know about designers designers what do you mean designers

Like artists? I don't know. Like clothes. Clothes? Just anything at Walmart. Whatever they have at Ross, dude. I don't fucking know. I drive a fucking 96 Corolla. I don't fucking know what to tell you, man. I've never been into fashion per se. I want to get back to where we were going on this. I've never been into fashion. There's only one dude I like in fashion. There's only one guy...

And it's just because of his t-shirts. I love his t-shirts. And then... Is it James Purse? It's James fucking Purse. This is my favorite because everyone always hits me up about being an unrelatable wealthy guy, which is fucking ridiculous to me. But then there was the time that you first talked about James Purse and you went off how much you love it. And then everybody was like, oh yeah, really? They all looked up his shirts and they were like, yeah, real relatable, Burt. Just fucking...

$100 t-shirts. It's a $75 t-shirt, but they're so fucking awesome, and they're so fucking comfortable, and you look good in them. I love them. I love all his clothes. Are you wearing it right now? Yeah, of course. JP. JP. JP.

My dog, JP. And so... Go to the website. Go to the website. Let's... Oh, the website's insane. By the way, this is next level. Next level. Because he has houses. He has houses. Guys, guys, all I want you to do, please just do me one favor. No, do not. Please do me a favor. Hold on. You haven't told me the whole story. Tom, I haven't told you the whole story. Just remember. No, I'm getting chill bumps. This is Bert's favorite stuff, and he hopes that you enjoy it, too. Keep going. Okay. Okay. He does a Grateful Dead collab that they have in Vegas, and I fucking...

Wait, scroll up, scroll up, scroll up. See on the left there? It says bestsellers, classics, and then t-shirts. Hit up t-shirts on the left. No, scroll back down. T-shirts. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. It's a $195 t-shirt. Oh, yeah, cool. But it titled it Lux, so you know it's going to be expensive. Bert's favorite. By the way, I don't buy all James Persons. No, of course not.

so tell me tell me about so he is i don't want to tell the story you gotta tell it yeah there's a grateful day collab you're in vegas and then do you go to is there like a pop-up or there's a store there

Well, they go... There's a pop-up in Vegas. There's a James Burr store in Vegas across the street from the Sphere. And then there's a Grateful Dead collab that he's done with the Grateful Dead that are cool fucking shirts. They are expensive. But like...

We don't like go and buy everything, but we I bought like three shirts. I definitely bought three shirts They're fucking cool. Yeah, and so I'm like I'm like yo I go can I shoot a video in here and they're like yeah, so I do a video everything he does by the way everything He's just a cool dude, and he's my age. He's my age. I go I want to be friends with this fucking guy Yeah, tell people in the store. I go wanna be friends with this fucking guy. Yes He has you know what else he does. He's like he's like oh, that's it. That's a nice sweater How much is that I didn't get the sweater Tom okay? Okay? Okay?

I didn't get the hat either. The hat didn't fit me. Okay. What'd you get? I just bought t-shirts. Oh, just t-shirts. And no, I don't even know how they were. How much were they? I don't know.

Okay, so you tell them I want to be friends with JP. Do they set that up? Do they hook you up? So I post a video. He's so cool. He's got a house in Malibu that he rents out. He has properties that he rents out that you could go to. I'm not going to go to one of the houses, but I think they're pretty expensive. But I'm like, I want to be friends with this guy. So I post a video in here and they're like, yeah.

And then we go to fucking Hawaii, and at Turtle Bay, they've got James Perr shit there. And I'm like, oh, man, everything he has is cool as shit. It is very cool. It is very cool. And I buy a monochromatic linen outfit, and I put it on, and I look good, and I feel good. And yes, it was pricey. Yeah. And I fucking feel good. I'm ready to go to dinner. And Leanne looks at her phone. She goes, oh, my God.

I just got a text from James purse. No, I was like you're fucking kidding me. She's like, hey Leanne. It's James.

uh i've been traveling out of the country or whatever but i just heard that you know bert's a big fan i'd love to do the podcast whatever and i'm like tom the only other person i've geeked out like this for was when the rock texted me yeah and i was like the rock james is very cool he's that's very cool he's but he's just a cool dude so is he gonna do the podcast he's gonna do the podcast yeah i'm gonna do the podcast maybe i'm gonna be a guest bearer

That would be awesome. Yeah. I would fly in for that. Okay. Yeah. Let's do a guest pair. But we know we're going to get him to swag us out. And I was like, yo, let's do collabs with James Purse. We're going to lower the price point a tad bit. Because his merch is sick. No, he's great. He's great. He's a badass dude. He's gorgeous, too. Pull up a picture of James Purse. Okay. It's so funny. I went surfing with Leanne in Hawaii, and I thought, that's crazy. If I had known I was going to spend this much time with someone, I might have married a dude. Yeah, there he is.

Okay. Yeah. There he is. He's just a cool fucking guy. Look at those teeth. Nice teeth. Yeah. Oh, see what his worth is. Oh, Jesus. What... Yeah, I went surfing with Leanne. Leanne went surfing. How was that? She... It was really fucking cool. $250 million? Yeah, I think it's working out. Probably fucking half of it's from you. What...

She, I said it, I said it, the first day we go surfing with the girls and it was, it's small, but it was fun. And everyone got up and I got on a big board and I got up like every time, rode them all the shore, had a great time. Girls had fun. Isla was like, this is it. And I was like, what? She's like, you just ride it to the shore and then you got to paddle back. And I was like, yeah. She was like, they don't like have someone that can bring you back out for you. And I was like, no, you, part of the fun is paddling. It gets good to work out. She was like, I like snowboarding better.

i was like okay and so i was like i don't want to surf again and george was like in neither do i it's like you guys seem to be really into it you guys go surfing and so me and leanne went surfing the next day and then we went another day and then on the last day that we're flying that day and then they're like they're like uh yo the waves are gonna be really big today and we're like really and they're like you definitely want to come out and so we're like all right we'll surf before our flight

So Leanne and I went out like buddies, like two friends. I kept thinking, I kept thinking, I'm supposed to be doing this with Tom, not with a chick, right? Right, right, right. You're surfing. You're not, this isn't like wife shit. This is your boys. Like, this is like, what if Leanne learned how to play golf? And then, you know, like, but I'm out there with Leanne and we're surfing together.

And she is loving it and she's good and she's great. And then the guys to me are like, yo, you want to challenge yourself a little bit? I was like, yeah, because I'd already done pretty good. And they're like, we'll put you on this board. And it was a little smaller than I was normal. I mean, paddling and I was kind of squirrely. And then I got up and I was riding down the face of the wave, like riding the way a surfer would just instead of like going straight with it all the way to shore. I was like riding it and walking up the board a little bit and walking back. I was having so much fun.

fucking fun and I got done and I was like it was like the it was like you know I could live I can I can be married to this person like I could be married to this person with my kids out of the house because Leanne had so much fun and then Leanne was in her feelings and she broke us off she was like this is who I am this is who I am you guys I'm you guys say I'm fire hosing you this is who I am I'm not I gotta get up and do shit and just and both George and I were like what the fuck do we do

So did she enjoy the surfing though? She loved it. That's cool. She loved it. That's cool. She loved it. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Before we wrap, should we plug these? Oh, we got things we're doing. We got, we got a couple lives coming up. Well, we're doing a, doing a bottle signing. We fly to Jacksonville. No, we're in Orlando. We're doing the bottle signing. It's going to be on the 20th, right? Or the 20th.

Yeah, September 20th. We are in Orlando. Do you want to go wakeboarding with Parks Bonifay? No. So, no, I got my boys with me and it's going to be a whole thing. You got your boys with you in Orlando? We'll be down in Vero. Okay. Anyway. Are you bringing your sisters to the bottle signing?

I wasn't planning on it. Can you bring your sisters to the bottle signing? You want them to come to the bottle signing? Fuck yes. I'll invite them, sure. Fuck yes. I don't know. We'll post about it. But anyway, that's that, man. Awesome. That's it. All right. All right. I'm going to go take kids to college. All right. Yeah. Have fun with that. Yeah. My life's over. Just me and surfing with a 54-year-old woman. Sounds like you enjoy it. Hey, get a group text going with me and JP and you. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I think you'd like his clothes.

I'd like to try it. All right. I love you. Bye, guys. I love you. Bye. Bye. Bye.