A Gift For Joe Rogan | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
01:13:02 Share

- I want you to feel how much weight I lost. - How much, you want me to feel it? - Yup. - How do I feel it? - Fuck, it's so heavy I can't even lift it. - It's a lot, dude. - No wonder, 100%. Cheers.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. You know, I used to think when people said that Tom Cruise was gay, I was like, why does he care? Like, if he's not gay, who cares? Like, Shannon Sharpe, everyone's calling Shannon Sharpe gay. They are? Dude.

Isn't he always talking about? Black people have taken over podcasting. They're doing it, and they're doing it fucking so wildly reckless. Yeah, yeah, so it is. And now it's almost clear. People go, I got a special to promote. Let's just call Shannon Sharp gay. That's what they're doing? Mike Epps did it, and then Mike Epps called him gay, and then Shannon Sharp said he was going to shoot him.

Shannon Sharpe said he was going to roll up. He was going to come up on him or whatever. And then, no, no. Shannon Sharpe said he was going to beat his ass. And then Mike Epps said, I will shoot you then. That works. Yeah. And then they hashed it out, though. And then they hashed it out. Thank God. Because I fucking love Mike Epps. He's hilarious. Mike Epps is possibly one of the cooler fucking dudes ever.

and just has never really changed and i'd love that mike epps never like he look i don't know anything about anything but he never really chased hollywood like he kind of was like yeah you can't spend the money that's i hear that a lot yeah i don't know what you're making it for you can't spend it when you're dead and mike epps was that guy that was like i don't need to to do things i don't want to do for money i can just do the things i want to do he is he is hilarious he is so funny that you can just uh

You just give him a line. Like he's one of those guys that he delivers the line and it's funny. Like he's so, he's so funny in the hangover movies. Like I was just watching one of those again. He's effortless. It's effortless. It's really like instinctual. Like I don't think, have you ever hung out with him?

No, I've never hung out with Mike Epps. I got very lucky to party with Mike Epps a couple times. In New York? In New York. Back in the day, partying with Mike Epps is one of the funnest. He's just a fun... He's a really positive energy dude. Yeah. And he loves telling stories and he's like... By the way, him on stage, I will say this, to this day, I've never seen anyone murder harder than he did at the Boston Comedy Club in my entire existence there. He did a bit about selling candy bars as a kid and it escalated into...

This is what white women do. I'm paraphrasing in my gaps. If you see this, I apologize, but this is how I remember it. This is what white women do to you. Once they reject you enough, you have to turn into a thug. So he starts off. He's like, hey, my name's Mike Epps. And they shut the door in his face. He's like, damn, so you go to the next door. And by the way, it escalates like, get on the floor, bitch. It was the fucking hardest I've ever seen anyone murder. But he's the best guy. But he...

He said some stuff on... Everyone's calling Shannon Sharpe gay. By the way, who cares? I don't care if Shannon Sharpe's gay at all. Yeah, but I definitely don't think he's gay. I don't think he's gay. But Eddie Griffin just called him gay. Really? Eddie Griffin just went out. Everybody is like, this is a way to get attention because of the... Shannon Sharpe's the biggest platformer. Remember when everyone just called Joe Rogan 5'3"? Yeah. And you're like, he's not 5'3". Yeah, yeah. Did that ever bother Joe?

No, because at that point he had been – you forget that when his podcast really took off, he'd already been famous for a while. And he's already been called short and bald and any knock. So I think his tolerance for those types of insults didn't do anything to him. Probably did something to him when he was like a teenager or something. But by the time that happened, no. I think you have to go –

You have to challenge information that he's given to piss him off. Everyone's got the thing that clicks on them. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's got the button. You make a claim that he either knows isn't right or disagrees with, that might get his attention. But if he's like, you're short, I don't think he's going to get fired up about that. This is so funny. We did the secret time, obviously, everyone. Yeah, don't tell anybody this. Go ahead. We did Rich Eisen show drunk.

And we were like, you know, Gronk, what's the secret about Tom Brady? We'll tell you one about Rogan. And I just said something wild because I didn't have a secret. I didn't have a real secret about Joe. Didn't I? Where was I talking about a secret about Joe? I talked about his salmon farm. Was that with you? It was. I was probably. We were wasted. Was that on my show? Yeah. When I talked about his salmon farm? I don't know. What was it? Yes? Yeah. Yeah, that he has like.

bunch of like salmon running on the property and he chases them and he eats him with his hands and stuff. That's the fun part is we can make up secrets about our friends and go and get traction. I really wish the salmon stuff would have taken off. I loved the one that he killed a mountain lion with a belt. Do you remember when that came out? Yeah. And then he actually had to come out and say, hey guys, I did not kill a mountain lion with a belt at the ice house.

That was a real rumor. But rumors, like, and Shannon, Eddie Griffin's coming out and saying that the big one that I do not get, I do not get it, is black men wearing dresses. Oh, that's a big thing. That's a big fucking deal. By the way, you can put me in, I've been in dresses. I've been in full drag makeup. Yeah. I mean, like, I'm, like, and it doesn't bother me. If you were black, they would really ridicule you. It's so crazy. Yeah.

Yeah, that's rooted in some, you know. What? Well, it's. Is that like from like racist times they made black men wear dresses? Well, made a mockery of them just kind of period. Oh, their manhood. Yeah. And then, you know, like black dudes that are like over.

Yeah. Are all pretty homophobic. Over 40, the fuck is stab you? Like if you make a gay joke, like, so it's like, yeah, I mean, it's unfortunate, I think to, to, to make it like, I mean, I get it that it's, it's, it's a cultural thing. So like us commenting on it, someone's going to be like, well, you still don't understand. Okay. I don't understand. I don't, but, but I, by the way, those are some of my favorite movies when black dudes were dresses, all black, just black dudes. What was the one where, what was the one where,

where Wesley Snipes wore a dress. Oh yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, so it's like a real, like it's like a card people pull out and they're like, you know, they made a mockery of you and it's like, no, I mean, first of all,

It can be just like a part. I mean, people celebrate Robin Williams, Mrs. Doubtfire. Fucking amazing. Tootsie, amazing. And now you can't do that now. But like White Chicks. White Chicks is a great fucking movie. Well, he had to comment on it. White Chicks is a great fucking movie. I know. And they wore dresses. I understand. I don't get it, so I should just shut my mouth. I get that. You'd never do that, though. No. Why would I? That's not what the internet's for. When you don't get shit, you say it out loud.

Martin Lawrence was hilarious at Big Mom's house. Martin Lawrence. He was so funny. He's the fucking best. And he was also, if you want to go back, everybody, especially black culture, celebrates the Martin Lawrence show. Like, I watched the whole Martin Lawrence show. Oh, I'm going to bring something down. I'm going to bring something down right now. He was shenanay. Remember? He was shenanay. So wait. So, okay. Let's whittle it down. Has there ever been... Give me a...

uh let's say stereotypical strong black man comedy lead that was funny yeah like but like no but like sometimes when like martin lawrence was always like the and i i mean this with respect but like he was always like the the one it was happening to yeah he was he was always like whoa come on like he was the he was the joke in the joke like he the jokes were happening at him

Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop. Right. He was strong. But I'm wondering, because most comedies, you don't get the badass. Chris Farley was the joke. Right. Anytime Dana Carvey- Well, if you're a true badass, it's not a comedy, right? Right. So where is this? They're making fun of people who are, I don't know if I'm off base on this, but like white chicks-

They're the joke. Yeah, you're laughing at them. But they're being very funny. That's why you're laughing. Because they're funny guys. White dudes have... There are white comics. You're one of them kind of where the joke... You're the driving force in the joke. I'm the one the joke's about. Right, right. But then I play with it, right? Then I will say like, I did this stupid or I had this stupid thought. But like, it's more... You're right. It's like lashing out at things. Rogan is more like...

He's the driving force. He laughs at the things. Right. Right. Right. Right. But I think everybody who does that still, you still always get to the point where you go like, oh, I have to reveal something dumb that I did or jokes are about me. But you do it more so. So there's like a balance. There's a counterbalance. I don't mind being the joke. Like, I don't mind. Sometimes I'll end.

In a podcast with someone, I'll mishear things. Yes. And I'll say it, and then I'll feel foolish, and then I'll go, but that's... And they'll make fun of me. Yeah. And I go, the reason you're here is to laugh. Yeah. That's all I give a fuck about is someone has a lighter day than it started. It's strange that... Also, I should say this back to the Martin Lawrence show. I don't remember anybody doing anything but celebrating Shanaynay. Yeah. And I guess if you want to be technical, you go, she's not in a dress. Okay. Yeah.

She wasn't in a dress. She was usually like in like spandex pants. But, you know, tits, hair, big ass earrings, nails. Like it's a woman. But you're laughing at him doing this character and he would do...

you know jamal and the security guard like you do all these characters you laughed at all of them because they were just hilarious that was almost the angle then was if you were if you were an actor because like mike myers did it you had to play all the characters you had to do the characters they don't do that anymore really not as much no i don't really see but and then eddie was like obviously nutty professor that's what everybody like he's playing nine characters ever wear a dress

Well, yeah, he plays his own mother and grandmother and aunt in that thing. Do you think they're really taking a shot at Tyler Perry? Perry? DeMedea? Yeah, people also do that. By the way, that was another thing. They're like, that's all you do well. It's like, yeah, but that worked out pretty well. Yeah, it worked out. All you need to do is one thing really well, you know? Dude, I'd suck my dick on camera if I got that kind of money. That's cool.

With big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between the store and your first month's bill, the price you thought you were paying magically skyrockets. With Mint Mobile, you'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again. When Mint Mobile says $15 a month,

When you purchase a three-month plan, they mean it. There are multiple people here who have told me that they could not believe this was actually the way it is. They have signed up and they're only paying 15 bucks a month. Say bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest network.

5G network. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash bears. That's mintmobile.com slash bears. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash bears. $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 per month. New customers are

on first three-month plan only, speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. Oh, s***.

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. I'm certain they'd have notes about that. Yeah. Have you tried? Well, don't pull that up. Why are you pulling that up? Oh. Oh. Do we have headphones? Wait, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. All right. We should set this up. So a few weeks ago, we... Speaking of guys who like gay shit. Holy shit, this is loud. How do I turn this down?

A few weeks ago, I introduced you to Naked Martin. And we introduced it to Joe. We introduced it to Joe afterwards. But when we were talking about Naked Martin, we decided to reach out. Because you can reach out, submit, and ask for him to do a video. Yes. So we dictated to Zolo to write what you write. And then we just go. It's just like he has to accept or not. Apparently, he accepted. I have not seen this. How much did this cost us? I don't know. I don't think it was cheap. He's OK. $85. $85.

That's a lot of money. I call that walking around cash. First of all, he's got a piece on him. He does have a piece on him. He's also added a lot of tats, since I remember seeing him last. Yeah, and a bow tie. He glassed it up. Let's see what he did. Congrats on your podcast, Joe Rogan. Here's to many more insightful episodes. Been a fan since news radio. Okay. He's jumping around. He did like a helicopter thing with his dick, if you're listening.

Uncircumcised. Yeah, now he is... Oh, on a piece of bread. Oh fuck! We asked him to make a sandwich. Oh, Tom, I'm gonna throw up. Tom, I'm gonna throw up. Tom, I'm gonna throw up. I don't know if he's really doing this or not. Tom, I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna throw up. Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking throw up. Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god, there's so much shit. He's taking a shit. And it landed perfectly on the bread. Oh, my eyes are watering.

i can't watch i can't watch i can't watch i can't watch i can't watch i can't watch i can't watch i'm so sorry joe i'm so sorry joe at least we just got him to wear a dress i just ate too oh he's cutting it in half there's no amount of lucys that are gonna write my boat you're eating it congratulations show on the podcast congrats on your new deal yeah congrats on the new deal we love you this is our present to you shout out to spotify

That was terrible. Thank you, Martin. That was great. Different Martin. Different Martin. Holy shit. That's a white guy podcast move right there. Yeah. You're not seeing that on Mason Cameron. No, they're not doing that. We should send them one. Hey, guys, great show. We should get them to do it. Mason Cameron. Mason Cameron. Congrats on your rap careers and your podcast.

You guys are doing big things, but not as big as this. Do you think they just stop talking to us? Stop? Not that they do talk to us. I don't think they would. Hello, Nori from Drink Champs. We should send these to all. I want to see the look on Nori's face because Nori would not find that funny. No, I know.

I don't think, I don't think Joe's going to find it funny. I think he's going to throw up if he sees it. So no one's seen that yet. No one's seen it. I hadn't seen it. I wish I hadn't. They told me, they told me, uh, it had arrived yesterday and I go send it to me. And he's like, well, don't you want to see it first on the pocket? I go, yeah, don't send it to me. Send it to me later.

We'll get to do a fun group text in a little while. Sometimes I question my things I've done in my past parenting. I'm wondering if that's affected the way my children have grown up. Yeah. What do you think happened? I made us bone broth. I like bone broth. I don't know right now is the time to do it. Maybe we could hold a beat. Just take a second. What would you think if one of your daughters was doing videos like this?

They were doing shout out shit videos. But I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just taking a shit and eating it. I get 85 bucks a pop, dad. It's called making 85 bucks the hard way. She's like, no one touches me. It's why. I'm not having sex with anyone. I'm not doing anything wrong. I just shit on bread.

Everyone's got a price point and his was $85. Is it really 85? I'm sweating. I'm sweating. That's it? I've been a big fan since newsroom. He knows who he is. Yeah. Well, he must have seen the podcast. I'm sure he got a lot more requests after us.

These 85s are really adding up. Like, you're like, hey, how did you go to the Bahamas? I'm doing this thing on the side. I got my own money. I wonder how much to pay to have them do it in front of people. Like at a grocery store. I bet that's a high price. He's going to get arrested. He's going to get arrested, yeah. He's probably like, no.

But you could probably have them come to like a house party. Hey, Jennifer Aniston. Check this out. We brought a guy for face safety. That was a palate cleanser. That reset the conversation. Yeah, let's change it. Jesus Christ. You know what I was thinking about the other day? What? My eyes are all watering. That's aggressive. No, I was thinking, I'll jump out of this. I was thinking about like how great...

Duncan is as a podcast guest. I can't think of anything else. And I was thinking, what's like my top, what are the top five home run guests every time? Oh, cause I think, I think in the, I'm talking about comedy podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's Duncan, Duncan, Tim Dillon. Okay. Theo. Yeah. I think Chrissy D is an incredible guest and who's number five.

This is in no order. I'm just saying these are like the five. Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee. And I'll tell you why. I know why. I mean, I know why. Yeah. Those guys, for real, give it all to you on a podcast. Yeah, they're great. They don't hold back anything. They give it all to you. Like, I withhold stuff. Like, I do withhold stuff at times. You do? I tell secrets, but like...

Theo will take a bit that is stage worthy and drop it on a podcast and never say it again. And Tim Dillon, I will say, it's crazy you said two of those people. I thought of Tim Dillon today and I thought of Duncan Trussells today. Well, you know what the other thing is about most of those guys? And this is, I think, a real, this, I think, is the mark of your special in podcasting.

is people who can actually make a good episode alone. That's crazy. Oh, yeah. Tim Dillon doesn't need anyone. I did it once, and I was like, this was bad. They're really good alone. Alone. Yeah. That's crazy. My alone energy is creepy. Creepy? Like it shows you just how –

not serious I am about life. And like I did one alone episode of Birdcast where

And I took the mic to Starbucks. I got Starbucks thinking it would be interesting. I'm going to finish this, but I want to talk about Duncan and Tim specifically. But I did it alone. And then I came back and I ended up doing this thing called the pirate song of just me. If I was a pirate, what song I'd sing. And it's so stupid. And it's so, I mean, it's funny in the sense that it's not funny at all. Do you think that the episode is creepy or sad? No, it's not sad. It's just like,

I think it's an insight to my silly brain. Yeah. And it's very vulnerable for me, but I don't care. Yeah. But it's my silly brain is very, what makes me giggle is does not make, what makes me giggle a lot of times does not make everyone giggle. Sure. Like I used to do for ad reads and for intros, I would do sketches where I do like Paul Revere driving into the forest and then he'd go and they'd go, the British are coming, the British are coming. Wait, it's a brand new episode. And they're like, what? Yeah.

And I thought it was funny. And I got people going like, hey man, just get to the fucking episode. I appreciate that you think you're being funny. We don't find this funny. Did people think you were funny in jail?

People found me. I'm very funny in jail. Yeah, I bet. I make the right friends. And there's no other comedians probably locked up. They're funny dudes in jail, but not like me. Yeah. Like not guys who like, I do what Theo does on a podcast in jail. Yeah. I put all my material out there. Theo really does. I have to say this, and it's a compliment to Theo. Yeah. He will burn, he will write, I think he just write jokes throughout the day and they kind of sit there. Yeah. And if he's on a podcast, he'll give them all to you.

He'll give them all to you. At some points I go, God damn it, man. I'd save that for the stage. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I've done that with us where we've said things. I go edit it out. I want to use it on stage. So I'm, I'm just saying I'm not that I'm, I'm not that I'm, I'm maybe when I was younger, I was that funny. But as I got older, I guess I got less funny. And if I noticed something good, I'm like, I need that for a special. Sure. I want that. Tim Dillon. I said today, Tim Dillon said to me one day, I said, I was having anxiety. And he said, uh, why? Why?

And he goes, it's never going to get better than today. And I went, what? And he goes, first of all, you're making more money than you've ever made. Your kids still love you. No one's asked you to quit drinking. You're healthy. It goes downhill tomorrow. He was like, every day after this is going to suck. Today's the best day of your life. And I went, fuck yeah. I started looking at life that way going like, today's fucking awesome. That's a good perspective. It's a great way to look at life. Duncan, Duncan,

Is a driving force in the way I'm moving Burt cast and I'm being serious we took we did a podcast a long time ago and I had a panic attack in the middle and Duncan in the middle of the podcast and this is so Duncan This is what I love about him

He said, let's do a guided meditation. I said, what? And he said, let's do a guided meditation. I said, well, hang on. We're going to stop down? He goes, no, just do it right now. I'll do it on the podcast. If anyone's having a panic attack, I'm going to do a guided meditation. And he did a 15-minute guided meditation to me on the podcast. And at the end,

He said, this is what's beautiful about podcasting is it doesn't have to be what everyone thinks it can be. It can be whatever you want it to be. And he said, I feel bad for David Letterman because he got put into a program and then was forced to do that exact program for 20 years. Yeah. And he goes, he never got to grow out of that program and do long form. He is now. He is now. But in the Letterman show, he had to do monologue, scripting.

Stupid pet tricks top ten he had to do the same thing every time which formulaically as a viewer is fun but as an artist you don't get to grow I Said I got to a place. This is a little In the weeds on podcasting, but I got to a place where I was I like having young comics on yeah I like having young comics. It's all that's in LA really and My I'm not the best interviewer like I often just want to hear about myself. I

Like I really like sometimes like I just think I think about me more than I think about anyone in the world I think most people do yeah most people think about and so and so sometimes in an interview I'm not the best interviewer, and I'm not bringing on scientists or politicians or Fucking physicists or the things that Joe's doing and quite honestly I couldn't do those interviews if you asked me to it would be a fun thing to watch

I would love to hear you with an astrophysicist. Well, I get sometimes like, so what exactly are you fucking doing, man? He's like, I don't even know what an astrophysicist, I imagine they deal with stars.

Okay. I don't even know. I just, cause it says astro in it. Yeah. I don't know what an astrophysicist does. I don't understand time travel. I don't understand the fucking, those are pretty like high level concepts. When we did the podcast with Joe and he goes, can I talk about simulation theory? Yeah. And I just stopped listening. Oh, I watched you. And I, you know what you do when you stop listening?

You just, your eyes kind of glass over and you kind of look down and you just went to like smoking and then a couple minutes pass and I said something to you and you're like, yeah, I...

I tapped out. Like I just, he was like, are you listening? I said, no, I can't. Like I can listen to like, if you tell me a good Nate Diaz story, Nick Diaz story, Conor McGregor story, a Jorge Masvidal story. I want to hear those. Those are fun for me. That's not, that's not simulation theory. Yeah. And so I said to myself, I've had BirdCast going on for like 10 years now. Thank you to you.

Thank you to you. Please. And it's been so much fun. But I was like, I want to start when I have comics on like, say, Rory Scovel. Yeah. I could talk to Rory forever, but I end up sometimes leaving. Do you know what a good artist he is? Dude.

He's coming on Friday and he's so fucking talented. That guy's talented across the board. I think people sleep on how talented he is because he has never tethered to his material on stage. Everything's created in the moment and he allows himself to get fucking loose. Yeah, he's great. And fun. And he records his new specials.

I think airing right now on, what is it on? Max. On Max. Yeah. And next week on Max. It's out right now if you're listening to this. You should see it and give that guy love. Go see him live. He's one of the funnest guys to see live. He's really great. But he's also an incredible artist. Like he paints. Yeah. Very, very well. And he's a great golfer. And he's a great dad. And an actor. And he's not an alcoholic. There's a lot about this guy that I fucking love. Yeah, he's great. So I started, I said to myself, I'm going to take a page out of Duncan's book.

and allow Burkast to grow into something a little different at times. Not every episode, because I have like big guests coming on that I want to sit and interview and talk to. But when I get like my friends on or like Trevor Wallace, right? Like, I mean, I love Trevor Wallace. I love Trevor Wallace, but I've done an interview with him talking about his life and I want to have him on again. How do I, how do I get more meat off this cow? So I'm going to

Based on Duncan. I'm gonna mash up open tabs with these comics that I know that's good That's good So what I'll do is I do open tabs I leave all the tabs open my Safari browser and then I go through and close them and show you the shit I've learned that week and it so it gives it allows me this is a cheat code But allows me to be interested in the conversation Authentically because it's shit that they may not know about that, you know something that I know something about and

But then I get a guy like Rory Scoville to be fucking absolutely hilarious about a flight seven, four, four that, uh, air France that fucking went down over like, like I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated. Which one? Flight seven, four, four. It's I'm all, it's all I've been watching. It was, it went out of Brazil into France and a

Apparently over the equator, they get crazy storms that they can't find on radar. And the storms are so high, they're 60,000 feet up. But it's just fascinating. Is that a plane that was lost? It went down because of turbulence.

Did you watch the documentary on the one that disappeared, the famous one? Yes, of course I did. That doc was amazing. Fuck yes. And the different theories. And then you start to go like, I think that theory checks out. And then they, right as you go like, that's it, that's what happened. Then they're like, here's another theory. Yeah. And then you start to go like, oh shit, because-

You kind of wanted to believe that the pilot had purposely went off course. Yeah, of course you want to. Here's the thing is that everyone listen like I talked about now I could use some bone broth. Okay. By the way, this is from Kettle and Fire. Yeah, Kettle and Fire. I'm really into fasting. Oh, I got another thing. I want to show you. This is gonna be a great fucking episode.

Okay, thank you. So all I did was I punched it up a little pepper. Okay. A little hot, spicy. I like spicy in my bone broth. Their bone broth's pretty fucking awesome by itself. But I like when you feel a little kick. Yeah. So I put a little bit of red pepper flavor in it.

Smell good? Smells great. Smells fucking great, dude. Bone broth is fucking... One of my favorite things to do is if I cook like tomahawk steaks or any kind of steak, throw all the bones in there and make my own bone broth. But then you can buy the one from Kettle & Broth and they do all the fucking work for you. And Kettle & Fire. Kettle & Fire. Yeah, but they... People don't... It's really fucking hot. Yeah, I can tell. It's good though. It's... I burned my tongue really bad. Okay, hold on. Hold on. I have so much I want to talk to you about.

Hold on, bone broth, bone broth. I want you to feel how much weight I lost. You want me to feel it? Yep. How do I feel it? Oh, you have a weight? Yeah. Okay. So I said to the Spartan race. You look good. Thank you, thank you. I feel amazing. What do you weigh right now? I just weighed in after Vegas, and I thought I was going to be like 240 after Vegas because I eat pizza a lot. After Vegas, I was 231.

That's great. And so I'm in 220s now. I have a cardiologist appointment next week. I want to get down to, like, 222 would be cool. Just to see the look on my cardiologist's face. Like, shut the fuck up. What did you weigh last time you saw him? 275. 275. And I want you to feel what that feels like, okay? Here, stand up here. Stand up here? Yeah, so we're going to get a full. Okay. Okay. I'm going to put it on your stomach. Oh, this is the weight you lost? Yeah. Shit.

That's how much weight I lost is that not fucking is that not oppressive yes, it's Here take a look They put I can't get it out it's too heavy they put a 45 pound weight in there and that is how much fucking weight I lost really that is how much weight I lost I

Can you imagine? I was walking around with that. The first thing that happened when I put it on, I was barefoot and my heels started hurting. I went, no wonder I had fucking plantar fasciitis. Yeah, of course. It's so much weight. Yeah. How much weight did you lose? When? I've gone up and down so many times. I mean, most recently. Yeah, that's a lot. Take a look at this. Oh, they put the... They put it on. Oh, wait. Fuck, it's so heavy I can't even lift it.

That is it. Yeah, that's a lot. That's how much fucking weight I lost. It's a plate. It's a full plate. It's a full fucking 45-pound plate. I walked around with that every single day. And now that I don't have it on, you don't notice it. But when you put it on, you're like, holy shit. I swear to God when I... Look, this 5K... It's a good reminder. This thing, just every morning wake up with it and go, I'm not walking around with that. Yeah. And what we should do is that...

I'm sweating just from lifting that fucking weight. It's a lot, dude. No wonder. It's like the fucking... How much weight did you lose total? What was your biggest? That ever weighed? Yeah. The most I ever saw on a scale was 268. Really? Yeah. That was in 2016, I think, or 15. I think it was 15. 15 or 16. One of the two. That's the most I ever weighed. But I got down. So I did the fucking...

When I got injured, I was 245 and I lost weight from like not moving. Yeah. And so when I was moving around. Yeah, muscle and fat because you're not consuming as much. When I started moving around again, at first I thought I was at a new weight and within a year I was gaining weight again. And so I shot, you know the thing I shot? Yeah. When I shot that, I saw, when you see it,

you'll be like, oh, like you're pretty big in this. And that, and when I left that set, somebody had told me like, yeah, you should like keep, keep going with your fitness health stuff. Yeah. And I was like, that's not keep going. Cause it's going well, that's, that's keep going. Cause I don't think you're doing it really. And that's, and so that was the, that was April of 22. And so that's when I started to like, go, I have to try to knock this out. So that I was,

I was back up to 240. Really? 240 creeps up on you. 240. And I was like, no, I can't do that. I weighed in a couple of days ago after Vegas. I was 206. Holy shit. So, uh, and I thought I was going to be like over 210 and it was 206. And I was like, cause I didn't go that crazy, I guess eating. Um,

But yeah, I think about it all the time, dude. If you put this, and I say this to everyone that's training for the 5K by May, we are doing it. It is happening. We will have announcements soon. But I'm telling you, I love seeing you guys post those pictures. This is awesome. This is fucking great, isn't it? And by the way, I'm telling you right now, a great way to lose weight is by fasting. By doing a 16-hour fast. Just do a 12-hour fast. And then bone broth. Bone broth. And I'll tell you another key I found because I drank.

Pretty fun this weekend. Like fun, Tom Segura fun. Went out to Tyler Florence's restaurant, had a martini, two glasses of wine, done. Got home, four cans of liquid death to the face, in bed, pissed in the middle of the night, woke up, feeling good. I'll tell you a running hack that I learned. So, do you know who Zach Bitter is? I talked to him the other day. Yeah? About the 5K. And I was like, well, here's what's going on. Because I noticed, like, if you tell me to go run a mile...

I can run it like one mile. I can run it somewhere in the, if I'm pushing it, I can run it in the nines, right? Like nine something. If you start adding miles, that pace has to slow down. So for a 5k, you do a competition. You do want to push it. You want to push yourself. But if you train by pushing yourself, you, you're, you basically are kind of max taxing your heart rate and,

So like if you run a five, let's say you train for your five K by running three miles, right? Like, which is about a five K and you're like, I want to do this 10 minute pace or just under whatever. And you're not regular runner. Like I'm not a run. It's someone who runs all the time. Yeah. When I'm doing that and I can do it, my heart rate is hitting like the one seventies, which is close to like, you're getting towards your max. Right. And he's like, yeah, you don't want to train that way. You want to, you want to run that way.

the day you compete. But you train at a lower heart rate max. So you try to keep your heart rate. So you don't try to chase that pace. You chase the heart rate. Heart rate should be like 135 to 145, which means your pace is going to be way slower. But the more you do that, you get faster in that heart rate. Does that make sense? So you start running a faster time

In the 135, 145. Oh, it's just building the heart muscle. It's making your, you're building your cardio endurance. So then after, if you're doing that weeks and weeks and months, then all of a sudden you're still doing 145, let's say as your heart rate, but instead of like 1130 or something, you're now down to like 1045. And then when you go, I'm going to push it and get into the 170s.

you're doing it faster interesting i've been i've been running i've been lifting and then running on off days you saw me run in vegas yeah and i was running like 11 minute miles 10 12 minute miles yeah and enjoyable 135 heart rate but i do feel like i'm not pushing it hard enough but that's how you train that's how they that's how they train for conditioning if you just if you just go like i'm gonna run this as fast as i can or tolerable

Your heart rate is going to be pretty much maxed out. Yeah. And you're just going to, you're not going to grow from that. You're just going to be like, every time you're just going to hit that wall. And actually some people who go for like that max speed running, they end up having a decline in their times. So like, yeah, you'll be like, I ran it this fast. Then you try to run it that hard again and your body can't keep up with it.

That's okay. That might be, you know, paraphrasing a little of what he said. So I apologize if I'm not saying it exactly, but that's what I got out of our conversation. Is that better? Is those guys? He's an ultra man. You know what he does for his own two cardio? No. Or like he, I'm sure he does multiple things, but one of the things he can do.

You know what zone two is? Yeah, zone two is what? 112 to 135? Yeah, it's like, and you should be able to have, the whole thing is that your heart rate's elevated, but you can have a conversation. So, you know, like. Yeah, yeah. They say that's how you're supposed to jog is so you can talk to the person next to you. You talk to someone, right? But then, you know, if you start pushing it, you're like, I can't talk. Yeah. Right? Like, I can't have a conversation with you. It's too elevated. Yeah.

He can do a zone two. This guy does ultra marathons, so he can do 100 mile runs. His zone two, he'll put the incline at 15 and put it at a 6.0, and he can stay in his zone two. Wow. I saw one of the most impressive things I've seen in that you weren't with me. I think, I don't remember if I told you, in that hotel, at the casino gym. Yeah.

Went there on a different day. I was in there with Sean and you ever seen like a speed walker Oh, you told me about this. So this lady here's what's most impressive. This lady had to be at best 67 68 if not older Yeah, and so I see we're kind of like oh look at that form because I noticed that her head stays completely straight and then she has the you know that that speed where you see like the mall walkers and stuff yeah, we look at the monitor and

And she's at 8.1. And I go, that's crazy. That's a sprint for me. Well, here's the thing. We're doing like a circuit, you know, like over here, doing this machine. Come back. And I look, 8.5. And I'm like, god damn it. She's just speed walking, right? A couple more circuits. Look over. 10.1.

At speedwalking? Speedwalking. And I'm like... How did you not record her? I actually was like, if she were ending right now, I would tell her, this might be the single most impressive thing I've seen in a gym. Period. I've seen people push press fucking 450 and I've seen people 500 pound bed. This is insanity. And then when we are leaving, I look over and it's at 10.5. And she is just in the zone, speedwalking, not running. 10.5. And her form was just like...

Perfect. I mean, I've never seen it. Go on a treadmill if you're not familiar and put on a 10.5. If you're not on treadmills normally, put on a six and it feels like a sprint. Yeah. Six is a 10 minute mile. Yeah. And it feels fucking fast. 7.5 is for me like an out of breath run. Run. Yeah. Yeah. This woman was late 60s speed walking that. I've never seen anything fucking like that before. That's so... I found out today I'm 51. Yeah.

You just found that out? Yeah. I thought I was 52. And I said to my sister, I said to my sister, I was like, yeah, I'm 52, Leanne's 53. And she's like, wait, you guys aren't one year apart. And I was like, oh, maybe Leanne's 54. And then Kadi goes, no, you were born in 72. It's 2024. And your birthday's not until November. And I went, I'm 51. It was a cool way to get a year. That's really great. Yeah.

See, that's what you're talking about, about the joke can be about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's borderline retarded. And the fact that you're happy about it, I mean, like it's one thing to not do the math. The fact that you're like, I just got a year. It's fucking so stupid.

That is... Yeah, you're right. Put a dress on me. Put a dress on me. I'm 51. Oh, my God. I'll be 45 this year. We should get Zach Bitter for real. Yeah. We should get Zach Bitter to run our 5K. I'll ask him. Do you know who we should get to run our 5K? You know who I'm going to say. Yeah. I partied with him this weekend. This weekend? Yeah. I don't know. Nate Diaz. Oh, my God. Dude.

Dude, I got to, look, I don't want to be a party snitch, right? Yeah. Because I don't like, and there are people out there that I've kept secrets about. Yeah. But I will tell you, partying with Nate Diaz. Where, in LA? Stop.

Stockton you were in Stockton and I said to the group I said cuz I wasn't drinking this week I went to Tyler Florence's had a martini and two wines don't count that as drinking no hangover woke up woke up work out hard the next day the next day we're in Stockton and I said to the group just giving you a heads up if we get a chance to go out in Stockton with Nate Diaz we're going everyone was fucking terrified yeah everyone's like no we're not going out in Stockton with Nate Diaz he rolls deep he rolls with 15 people everywhere he goes and they're

All certified black belt killers. The guys that were at the MGM show were fucking... You knew right away, like, I'm not fucking with any of these guys. Every single dude he rolls with is dressed in black, head to toe, if not double black, and they're fucking all killers. Did you hit one place or multiple places? So he comes to the show...

He's just look I've talked wild shit about people and I'm sure I've said stuff about I think I said something about me and you Jumping him at one point and so I was and Shane Gillis told me just so you know, they're gonna fuck you up Yeah, like he was like shocked if they jumped you cuz like and but I have a rule I only joke about MMA fighters. I know have senses of humor Yeah, like so like is he I know is he's got a sense of humor. I made a joke about Connor He's got a sense of humor every comment every every Michael Chandler every one of them's got a sense of humor. I

And it's obviously, it's a joke. It's a wild joke. But there was a morning I woke up and I went, I might've fucked up. So I don't know. I know Nate's got us. I know Nate and Nick are friends with Joe. I know they got a sense of humor. I know they're listening to the podcast, Joe's podcast. And I was like, what if Nate's like, I am from Stockton and we don't talk like that. And I need you to understand the respect that goes into it. Like I was like, I was really nervous.

So I was like, I told everyone, I was like, if he wants to go out, we're going out. I'm going to fuck him up. We're going out. Yeah. No. Mark Smalls was like, you look nervous. I was nervous. I was nervous. Like I got, I worked in my workout, showered and sat in the green room waiting for him because I wanted to make sure I was like, hey. This is after the show? Before the show. Before the, you went out with him before the show? No. So he shows up before the show. Yeah. Yeah.

Cool, I don't think even had a drink before the show We maybe rolled a blunt right before I went we took a shot before I went on stage and then I was like yo You want to come out on stage with me? And he you know, he's he really is kind of a shy guy. Like he's just not yeah He's not me like I'm a fucking he's he is at the top of his level and he got there through talent I got there through being loud as fuck right and

So he's like, he's like, ah, whatever. Like, yeah, I mean, I'll go out if you want me to. And I was like, fuck yeah, it's your talent. This place is going to lose our mind. I walked out on stage. He comes out behind me. The place went fucking ape shit. Yeah. He just went up, fucking banged off a flex. Place goes crazy. Rip my shirt off. He goes out, bring him up at the end of the show. Uh, at the end of the show, he fucking, it was awesome. And then he's like, and then he's like, yo, you want to go out?

I told everyone, I was like, we're going out. Pete was nervous. He's like, no, we're not going out in fucking Stockton with the fucking 15 baddest dudes in the world. The fuck we are. I go, we're going out. We're going out. So they're like, so Nate's like, uh,

We got this bar Ollie's up in Lodi. Why don't we go up there? And I was like, cool. It's like 25, five minutes away. Organizer ride got up there, dude. I haven't done this in so long where I go out after the show. And I used to be how I, I, how I buttered my bread was like at the end of the night. Yeah. Everyone goes to a bar. We all party. And we went out with Nate Diaz, smoked some of Joey's weed. Joey's big fat, uh,

I brought four of those tampon joints Joey's makes with the glass tip. We smoked all four of them in the rain under a fucking awning. Did shots, had a fucking blast, and then hung out with him. He was the coolest fucking guy. Talked about triathlons, talked about swimming. Just had great conversations. Does he do those things? Yeah. One of my things is like,

I've said this a million times. There's two types of people who can swim and people who know how to swim. And I've always said that. If you don't know how to swim, you don't understand what I'm saying. Like if you go, I can swim. You're like, no, no, no, no, no. But can you swim for two miles? And Nate lit up. He was like, yeah, I can fucking swim. I think his brother may be a better swimmer than...

because his brother can do the butterfly. Like his butter, them and his brother are legit fucking swimmers. Like legit, like, and so we talked about swimming, we talked about triathlons, we talked about everything. He was like,

The funnest hang I've ever had and then and then the other thing I love about him And this is you know I love this the next day. I'm back home. We took the bus home I go out with the and for a date and Fucking Nate Diaz facetimes me yeah, yeah, I love a face time course I fucking it's a trust thing Yeah, as you know the person if you're facetiming and they answer you know where you stand with that guy and he's all smiles He's like dude

Joey's weed kicked my dick. He was like, we had a fucking blast. That's cool. And it was cool as fuck. And then I flipped the phone and I was like, I'm with my wife. And he was like, but get that old lady out of here. Yeah, yeah, sure. But it was the funnest fucking time. I will tell anyone. Him and his whole group sat by the end of the stage, watched the whole show. Fucking like he was everything fucking.

He was everything. That's cool. Yeah, we talked about, because he fought that dude Sneeko. He did? He sparred with him. He didn't fuck him up. Like, Sean Strickland fucked him up. Yeah, he fucked him up. He fucked him up. Nate just sparred with him. Took it easy on him, though? I think he fucked him up, but he didn't like. Why is this kid stepping in the ring with people? What's he doing? I think he's trying. I don't know. I don't know anything about Sneeko. Is he saying that he can fight with them? Like, why is he doing this? I don't know.

I don't think there's a... Actually, I really don't know anything about Sneeko. I only know his name because Sean Strickland fucking lit that kid up. Yeah, he did. I mean, he took those left hooks he was delivering...

were like monstrous i know i know i mean i i don't like and they and they were like they were throwing tap they were throwing laundry in there i remember i remember it was wild and everyone's like all you gotta do is go down he didn't go down it was it was uh he didn't go down he didn't go down that's fucking crazy it's fucking insane you know i would have i would have fallen down way earlier i think most of the population would have there's there is something about those men like even like

Shaking hands with Nate, you realize his hand's much bigger than yours. That he moves different. Like there's just like those guys. You catch that with Manziel's hand? Because he's not a big guy. But when you shake his hand, you're like, oh, it's like a baseball mitt. Same with Baker Mayfield. Yeah, yeah. All those dudes are just larger. They're just a little bit genetically better than us. Yeah.

And it's so funny because I have jokingly talked wild shit about fighters because I feel like we're all, it's like the way we talk about porn stars, you know? Like we're all in the same world. But man, you hang out with them and you realize like they're all sweet guys, but they are conditioned to do things we, I mean, really. They're dangerous. Like most people aren't dangerous. That's what you find out. Most people aren't dangerous. You could, you know, you're in like a public setting, right?

Like everyone's been in a public setting where like somebody says something, you know, like it could be on a plane and a restaurant. Hey, why don't you knock that? And you see that like, it's just noise. It's a, it's a back and forth banner and nobody in that setting is dangerous. Everybody is just like, yeah, why don't you calm down? But like those guys are like, uh, you know, it's like a pit bull off, off a leash where like, you know, if he's fucking trained well, he can restrain himself. But if he's not,

Like it can go sideways real fast. Yeah. It could be a real life altering thing for you if you encounter somebody like that and it's the wrong day or the wrong moment. It's crazy because that is a real thing no one thinks of. I mean, it's happened to people. People get absolutely fucking, like those guys have been in street fights. I can't imagine being on a street fight with an MMA guy. Like it's some guy fucking tried to,

There's that security camera on Sean Strickland's property. Where the guy tried to break into his car. Yeah. It's like all the houses that you could go. And he came out with his gun too. So it's not only him, it's also him armed. That's fucking, it's a nightmare. His podcast with Theo is pretty fucking amazing. Is it great? It's pretty fucking amazing. I mean, I, you know, I'm a fan. So I like, I watched it and was like,

Was like, wow, I don't know, it's cool. Theo's just, like, I can talk positively about those five guys we named. I don't talk, I got nothing bad to say. But Theo is so grounded. It's like the most emotional moment. Theo just was real. He was like, hey, man, we can just sit here and not talk if you want. And it was just a fucking riveting podcast. I've seen there's footage of a, he's not like a UFC guy, but he's an MMA guy.

And he's surrounded by like three guys that are like out talking. It's like, same thing I'm talking about. Talking shit, do this, blah, blah. And the three guys try to, you know, start shit with this guy. And he tries to de-escalate it. He ends up knocking the three guys out. Three guys at once. Like that's, you know, that's pretty. This is the crazy part that I think every, I wonder if this is the thing that gets you into trouble is,

I wonder if every guy thinks in that magical moment of fight or flight, if they will perform. Every guy goes, this is where I find out I had cage level talent. Yeah, I don't know, dude. I don't have that. Like I really, I really, I've deescalated moments where I've been hit a bunch first. You have? Oh yeah, I always got hit first. Even in big groups, people would hit me first. Really? Oh yeah. Like college and stuff? College. Yeah.

I'd say something stupid. Someone hit you. Oh, yeah. Got hit a number of times. Never clean. Nothing like... Never like a... Never like a... One that knocked me out. But definitely... All my high school friends that went to FSU, when they... You know, we always get back for like the holidays or something or summer, you'd run into them. They always had so many fight stories. Dude, there were a lot of guys that could fight up there. Yeah. It's a big school. Well, it's a state school. It's like you get...

Once again, I think you think you're in this because you guys all went to orientation together. You think everyone came from a well-balanced family. Yeah, yeah. And you realize, oh, there's some dudes that this is their, they got out of a bad situation. Sure. And no one ever, man, no one ever talks shit to football players. Yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah. That's the crazy part is like the confidence regular men have with regular bodies. Yeah. Yeah.

If you have a d1 body I pulled up on Marvin Jones did he hit you Marvin Jones cut me a tree Marvin Jones had a black Mercedes in college in college Marvin Jones pull up a picture Marvin Jones you remember him Chaitri play a play for the Jets yeah of course He cut me off

And I was on right by the Publix over. Marvin was from Miami, I think. And then like from high school, I'm saying. And then he went to. Not NHL. It's not a white guy. No, Marvin. Oh, Marvin. Yes. Marvin Jones. Type in FSU. All right. Yeah. Marvin Jones. What's how big is he? Because he's a large dude. He's 51 years old. We're the same age. Man, we're the same age. Now we are. I thought I was older than he was until this morning.

I pulled up on Marvin Jones. Hit images. Yeah. Cause that's the most famous shot of him. The top left one. That's, that's like the legendary shot.

And he cut me off on the road right by Publix down on Pensacola, I think it is. And I think there's a turn left lane or we were going straight. I lived right by there. And I got out of my car. I stepped out of my car. What the fuck's up? And as his door opened and I saw his hand, I went, oh, maybe. And then as he stood up, he very kindly turned around. He's like, what's up?

I was like, no, then my bad. I got my car. I was like, my heart was racing. I was like sitting in my house smoking a cigarette going like, I just dodged death. It was Marvin fucking Jones. And the only reason I know that is my buddy, Miles Mosley was really good friends with Marvin Jones and Marvin would let miles drive his car. And one day that car pulled up behind me over by the business, uh, the business school of business. And I thought he found me and miles Mosley got out of his car. And I was like, what? And he was like, Oh, it's Marvin's car. And I was like,

I talk shit to Marvin Jones. Like he would have fucking. That would have been the best story ever. If you're like, I got my ass beat by Marvin Jones hat, like a stop sign. Also, you'd have some, you'd probably have still have like a speech defect. Did I ever tell you about the worst? I almost got beat up. No. Cause the, I'll tell you this. The worst you almost got beat up is this story. For sure, dude. Yeah.

That would have been a fucking nightmare. God. How big was he? 244, 64? No. Not 64. 63? I'll tell you this. It was a different 244 than I had. It was. Yeah. 62. 62.

He was massive. He was a monster. He was a monster. So the worst, I almost got beat up when we were, this is the, get ready for the whitest story you've ever heard. Okay. It is the whitest story. And you almost got beat up here? Almost got beat up. So I was a runner for my dad's law firm. This is a pretty white start. It's a pretty white start. Yeah. And I would run things down to the courthouse, like probate documents back and forth to the courthouse.

And I was confident. I was in good shape. My testosterone was flowing. I was in good shape. I was probably a junior in high school. Okay. Going into my junior year, maybe going into my senior year. So you were like 17? 17. Fucking finger fucking a girl in Carrowwood at the time. Nice. I really had my... I was laying down my oats. And so...

Get to my dad's office and his secretary says Hey, there's some kids in the house behind us. They're shooting BBs at our cars. Can you get them to stop? So it's like sure I've ever told you story now so I yeah, I'll fucking shut this down real quick and

Confidently. Confidently. Now, the parking, there was a waist-high fence in the parking where my dad's office was, but it dropped down. The house behind was like, it was an eight-foot fence to them.

So we were on higher ground. Gotcha. So I go back. I see these two kids sitting on a picnic bench in a Forest Hills. This is very specific to Tampa. Forest Hills, white trash house. Okay. Forest Hills, ramshackle house. And these two redneck kids, maybe 10, 12, have BB guns and they're laughing. I go, hey guys, that's about it. You're done. The one kid pulls his BB gun up and just shoots me.

I go whoa hey I said that's enough enough the fucking BB guns and the guy goes what the fuck you gonna do about it and I said Shoot me again, and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass and they shootin it misses and I go hey for real Done you're done with that and they kind of listen I go back inside so I come back out to drop off another probate document and

Hit with a BB immediately. I'm like motherfucker. I go to the fence. No mind you It's like just out of me. They're down like eight feet. I go hey, and they're like what the fuck are you gonna do? I said shoot me one more time I'll jump over this fence and I'm gonna kick both your fucking asses. These are 10 and 12 years old 12 years I'm very confident in that fight. Yeah, the guy goes guy pulls the gun up and he goes you promise you're gonna kick our ass I go I'm fucking shoot me and I'll kick your fucking ass and he goes I

hits me square in the fucking chest. I put my hands on the thing, throw my foot on the fence. And as I do, their 25 year old brother comes running out of the house.

He is fucking sprinting through the yard. And I'm like, motherfucker, motherfucker. I jump in my Volkswagen Fox. I lock the door. He hops the fence like he has been in prison. Up the fence, over the fence. And he's banging on my window trying to break it. And he goes, get the fuck out of the car. And I'm shaking. I'm like, no. And he's like, get out of the car right now. I put it in drive. Back up. I quit the fucking job. I never went back to my dad's office.

I was terrified of that guy until my dad bought that house and tore it down. Shout out to my white privilege. That's pretty white. That's pretty white. My dad tore that house down. He bought the house to put documents in. Holy shit. Before computers. Yeah. And then when computers were around, they tore it down and I went into that house and I just walked through that house. I was like in college. And you're like, yeah, motherfucker. I was like, yeah. Who won that fight now? Yeah. Good luck. Yeah. Yeah.

Wonder what those kids are doing with their lives. They're probably in prison. They're probably not doing well. Man, you could run into some real white trash in Florida. Yeah. Real. I remember when we first moved into our house, that was a big thing was shooting people with BB guns. Yeah.

These two redneck kids were chasing a child, like a child, through the swamps shooting with BB guns. And he was standing on an island just getting tagged. And they were in a boat laughing. And my dad was like, hey, cut it out. And then those kids started shooting us. And I was like, dad, leave him there. It's his fight. I remember when I dropped off my friend at his house. So there's this area right next to Vero called Gifford.

And like it's an all black area. And I drop him off after football practice. So it would be like sundown. And I drop him off. I mean, it's like, it's a really like, it's pretty run down area. Yeah. And when I drop him off, his house is up on cinder blocks. You know, there's like a trash bag where like one of the, like a hole is.

all dirt roads. And when I back out and I go to the stop sign, there's these just three black teenage kids. And they're like, what's up, white boy? And I was like, huh? And you know what they did? They jumped on the hood of the car and I was like, ah!

And they start smacking the window. And I was like, and then you start laughing. I was like, I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm good. I'm good to myself. I was like, I wasn't scared. I was so scared. Do you know my buddy, Tony Hernandez? You saw him this weekend. So Tony went to school at a place called Robinson, right? Robinson. Until he went to play. He went to play, I think his senior year, but went to school in Robinson. Robinson, old school Tampa was like predominantly black. Yeah. So all Tony's friends were black. All of Tony's friends. So we meet Tony when we're young. And then one night we're like junior year and he's like, hey man, uh, you

You want to go out with a bunch of my friends? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, cool. Can you pick them up? Because he lived in South Tampa. I live in North Tampa. He goes, they're in West Tampa. Can you pick them up? And I was like, yeah. Well, West Tampa is defined by the interstate. That's predominantly Cuban. East Tampa is predominantly black. And I take a left off the interstate taking these directions. And I go, this can't be right. I think I pulled into the Ponce de Leon Project House. Or Port Tampa. I forget where it was. It was like...

And I went up and I was like what the fuck and then like five black dudes come running out And I'm like Tony didn't tell me they were black I just was like and I'm like I'm like oh fuck and they just you burnt and I was like yeah They get my car. I'm like oh fuck. Oh cool, and so I look everything's totally fine We're all just normal kids at this time. We go get Tony, and then they're like what are we doing tonight? I was like there's this party. We're like cool, so I take him this party and

And I was like, you guys, this should be fun. And they're like, yeah, we're going to fuck these white boys up. And I'm like, wait, what? They just went into a party and started a fight and beat up all my friends. And I drove them home. And I never told anybody. They beat up my best friend that I grew up with, Pat Fagan. It's crazy. Where did they come from? They just found us. You guys need a ride. I still see them from time to time.

They come to my shows in Tampa. They're all grownups. They have kids. I remember when I got in that fight with that dude. When I got in that fight with that dude, Donovan. Do you remember me telling that story about I got in a fight with a black dude named Donovan?

when i was in high school he's still alive cow had found oh he's still alive cow had found his daughter and his daughter was like they're like you want to come on the show and talk to bert and then donovan goes how much he's like i'm not gonna pay you and he's like pass i beat a lot of people's asses oh wow when i beat when i got no fight with donovan i got beat up in high school in high school yeah he was like a state wrestling champion oh those guys are nasty he warmed up by shaking his camp camaro like he was warming up for the fight and i was like oh i didn't even think about stretching yeah and uh

Remember I ripped his shirt off of him on accident. I didn't do it on purpose I was falling and he got pissed at his shirt got ripped and I was like, oh fuck this is gonna get worse and When those guys found out I fought Donovan they were like damn I

You fought Donovan? He was like a state wrestling champion. He was jacked and he'd go out by himself. Can you tell them a different version of how the fight went? Were you like, oh. No, no, no. That's the one thing that's going to get true for me is that I, for whatever reason, and this goes back to the initial conversation about like,

I don't know, for whatever reason, in the story, looking like the fool and making people laugh was more important to me than being the tough guy in the story. Yeah. Because I got really beat... And I'm not really beat up. He wasn't that bad. We, uh...

Was old joking you'll find it online. It's pretty horrible now when you look at it, but it was nighttime I was at a disadvantage. Yeah. Yeah. He was a dark dude. I remember I punched into his high top fade Yeah, and I put touched his hair for the first time I touched a black dude's hair and I was like it's so soft and he was like what I was like so and then at the end my buddies We he chased us he beat us he beat me up and then I jumped in a car and

Think the cops showed up. Maybe I forget the cops showed up. We ended up driving away in a car He chased us and we got out with tennis rackets and golf clubs That was what was in my trunk real white and he started I remember him like almost laughing like what the cops three days or the guy the the black dude and then he chased us back cops pulled up and then I had to sit to the cops and say

They're like is there a problem to white cops and they were ready to take him to jail Yeah, and they're like what happened and I was like and they separated us and I was like nothing man We're cool. And they're like he's saying that he was helping you out. I was like, yeah. Yeah, he did. He's here Yeah, he helped me out and then I was like and then the cops left and I was thought we'd like dapping up and be like So I got you out of jail. We're cool. And he just like if I ever see you again, I'm gonna fuck you up again And I was like, okay, maybe I should let them take you to jail. I

You ever get a bar fight? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good one. Right around the Rodney King verdict. Were you pissed about it? No. It was white on white. Yeah. Lambda Chi's versus ATO's and I just jumped in the middle and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

can't we all just get along and I got a big laugh from my friends and that's when I felt the punch and I went foomp and then a typical Burt fight someone just dragged me out of there and got me out of there I got saved at one I was at a bar fight bar fight in college I was with one friend I think Justin and this guy Chuck you know Chuck you know Chuck I know Chuck yeah of course yeah of course Chuck's 6'5 he's a big dude he's like 260 at the time it's like playing he's playing college football

And there's this guy walks by and he steps on Chuck's foot and Chuck's like, excuse me. Like, hey. And the guy, I forget. And the guy does it again. And Charlie goes, if you step on my foot again, it's going to be like a fucking problem. And I was just like, all right. And then, you know, it's like it's activity, right? It's like a Friday night.

the guy steps on his foot again and i watch him like he takes the guy by the shirt he pulls him like this and he's way bigger he goes bap and then like right to the and then that guy's three friends come over and start just swinging and before like anything can really happen i don't even know this that like 15 football players are at the bar behind us and they just come over like

Like somebody blew a whistle. And it just is like a melee. But they are just on top of these guys. And then the bouncer comes over to us and he's like, you guys got to get the fuck out of here. Like you're ruining this for everybody. Like this is just like a bloodbath. But I didn't have to do shit. I just stood there. I just stood there as people like fought over me. We were in Clemson traveling. For the game? Yeah, for the game, Florida State Clemson. Yeah.

It's Clemson, South Carolina, right? Yeah, South Carolina. Yeah, hottest fucking stadium I've ever been in my entire life. And we're at a bar after the game. I'm sure we won. And my buddy, and you're welcome for me not saying your name, my buddy comes up to me in a panic. He's like, hey, man, you want to switch jerseys? I was like, huh? And he's like, I don't know. I just kind of want to wear a Charlie Ward jersey. And I was like, okay. He had a work done jersey on. So I was like, switch jerseys. And then all of a sudden, like seven dudes and a girl come up to me. And she's like, that's the dude that bit me.

I was like, huh? And they're like, let's go. And they fucking moved me outside of the bar. And by the way, this is all my fraternity. All my friends are there. They moved me out of the bar. And they're like, she's like, yeah, it's the guy in the work done jersey that bit me. And we didn't even look alike. Yeah. And I was like, I didn't bite anybody. Like, I don't even have really great teeth. I remember you defend yourself by saying stuff like that. Majority veneers, I wouldn't bite somebody. Yeah. And then they're like, and I want to say my buddy's name so badly. Just edit it out. Yeah.

Sneakiest motherfucker am I as he went to re I don't edit his name out, but he'll know I'm talking about him He went to rehab in like seventh grade right yeah, I went to rehab in seventh grade got his shit together He worked at he worked at a coffee shop in the mall and was stealing them blind like always just a little Sideways of a dude different adult today, but all growing up asides of a dude I remember watching him as these guys were talking to me just sneak up behind someone and the guy talking to me just goes oh

Wham and sucker punt jaws that guy Unconscious into a planter box the guy goes boom and the biggest fight that breaks out I'm not involved in it at all Everyone's punching each other and I just moved out of the way But I remember the dude that Swiss Jersey was like he was like how those crazy, huh? I was like, did you do that on purpose? He's like fuck. Yeah, I bet that chick I'm not gonna fucking get a fight. I can't fight you can fight. I was like fucking fight either give it to a big guy Yeah, okay

We should probably wrap up. We should wrap up, yeah. By the way, we just shared fight stories. Yeah. By the way, we didn't fight in any of our fight stories, really. No, no, no. That's why I had so much fun with Nate Diaz. Nate Diaz, you were surrounded by 15 fucking murderers. No one's going to touch you. That was like... But by the way, I got to say, everyone in Lodi, I think...

think when you grow up in a place like Lodi or Stockton you have a respect for men that we don't have maybe here and so like everyone was cool as fuck there was never any drama everyone was cool as fuck shout out to Ollie's

and Lodi. Shout out to the mayor. The mayor was there. Oh, shout out to the mayor. Nate Diaz rolls in with the mayor. That's awesome. That's awesome. I love you, Tommy. Love you too. This bone broth was the shit. Thanks for making it. Yeah, I'm fucking done. All right. See you next time. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes to the top of the swath. The other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.