117: Fight or Flight Ft. Hannah Berner
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This is just a reminder to subscribe and head over to Patreon because Patreon has kind of changed up their platform a little bit. There's now a free tier. So we're going to be dropping one free story every month. So come over, join us, be a part of the little family over there. We can't wait to have you. Oh my God, you're so comfy. I'm obsessed. Do you want a blankie? Are you good? I'm actually, actually, I'll pull it. Do you mind if I pull this? Pull it. Rip it. Rip it. Pop it. I

I actually had a t-shirt to change into because I know that we get comfy, but this is fine. No, you look good. I just watched an episode of New Girl and she was like...

here here's a blanket for you to get cozy and it's this lawyer girlfriend and nicks that like hates her and i'm like this is me with everyone i like throw blankets on them i just kidnap them i do i just want everyone to come on be so cozy comfy and then the candles oh it's iconic yeah my calendar that's stressing me the fuck out your written calendar that's that was actually a really good throw i'm athletic that was really good i'm really i'm really athletic

It's a secret talent of mine. Watch out Olympics. Yeah. Oh, okay. These fucking assholes. Yeah.

So I was talking to you and you're like, oh, well, I have a red eye right after blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, girl, you are giving me fight or flight. You're giving me maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Adderall. You're going to need to sage this room after I leave from all the crazy shit I've done in the last couple of weeks. I'm just running from my thoughts. Are you? I like to stay busy. I was going to ask, like, are you going through a divorce or like, why are you not?

Why aren't you home? I'm gonna get burnt out. It's just like, you know when I'm 31 and my career finally started to get some momentum. You're popping. I mean, I've been trying. You just had the Jonas Bros. You were doing some shit with the Jonas Bros. I don't know. I'm trying to find happiness through the wrong things. But I think I'm gonna burn out and then I'm gonna take the summer off. That is a great plan. Like I'm literally gonna be like a teacher. Like I'm taking the summer to just chill and then get back with my bullshit. Do you wanna go anywhere?

Where should we go? Well, I was literally like, I just like, I'm kind of in a... Well, no, that's on the list for sure. And the boat day. We have to go. We'll get you on a boat. Boat day, state fair. Yes, we can do a little live show around that time. Hell yeah. But I was like, I just wish I had a friend that I could call and be like, do you want to go to Europe? Dude. And like everyone in my life works.

I'm like, I work too, but like not like, you know, it's flexible work. I feel like work, people are changing the idea of work. Like ever since COVID, people are like, do we really have to do this? And I can't do nine to five. Like I'll get fired immediately. And I'm,

I just feel like life is too short to be dealing with that stuff. But some people are better with the organization. Yeah. I'm not. I feel like I'm chained down monster. That's how I feel. I'm like this podcast was a blessing because like even working the OT job when I was there every day, nine to five or what was like eight, I'd be there eight, which is even worse. Oh, no. I was like, what the fuck? It's like middle of the night.

Yeah. And it's amazing. It's so amazing that people can do that for 40 years. But the problem is, full circle, that when you're an entrepreneur, you don't have someone to tell you, like, this weekend's off. Yeah. So next thing you know, you're like, babe, you haven't slept in four weeks. And I'm like, because I'm afraid...

I'll go away if I stop working. But no, I'm grateful to be able to travel and stuff like that. But I realized if you take a week off, the world doesn't stop. No. And I have to be better at saying no to things. But I'm so fucking happy to be back on Hot Takes. I called Hot Takes, by the way, and I was like, too hot takes? I'm like, I know, or like that. Howdy takey. So I'm honored to be asked back.

I love this podcast. You have an open invite, whenever you want. I love this podcast. We're also so chill. We'll like text each other. You're like, when is it today? And I'm like, honestly, I don't know, but take me to the airport. I'm down. I just have a carpet roll in my car. So we're going to squish in with that bad boy. But if you guys haven't noticed or recognized her voice, hi, welcome back to another episode of Too Hot Takes. Today we have Hannah Berner joining. Thank you. I'm your host, Morgan. Hi.

Fight or flight is the theme. Oh, yeah. Let's go. Yeah, it's going to be a bad one. I'm excited. Oh, let's dive in. I'll take a Prozac and go. Okay, so we're going to ease into it a little bit. Okay. Yep. Ease into it.

So this next one is from Amma the Asshole. Oh, this first one. What the fuck? Five days old. It's titled Amma the Asshole, 38 male, for cutting back on work to prove a point to my wife, 30 female. My wife is usually an angel of a woman, but has recently gotten into a friendship with a woman whom I personally believe is a bad influence on her. Not in a patronizing way, more of a lay down with dogs, get up with fleas type of situation.

I've never heard that before, but continue. I like it.

I've never said anything about her childishness or her very radical misandry because, frankly, it doesn't affect me. Until it did. A few months ago, my wife began pressuring me to do more around the house. Before I get an instant, you're the asshole, we already split chores and childcare. Admittedly, she had a bigger cut than I because she is a stay-at-home mom, but I do most of the cooking. Breakfast and dinners, lunch is her responsibility for her and the boys. And I'm not going to do that.

I take out the garbage and I do laundry. And I deep clean the bathrooms once a week. I do also help with our boys' homework and such. I'll marry this man right now. The bar is low, but like he's doing a lot. The bar is six feet under, but it's pretty good right now.

She insists that I am not doing enough and that I should be doing more around the house. I tried having discussions with her, asking what she expected from me. Namely, all chores and child rearing should be my duty, it seems. And for months, it seemed to be going nowhere. She used the D word more than once when speaking on this, which felt manipulative. What's the D word? Divorce. I was like, dad?

Oh my god. That's... Yeah, that is manipulative. It boiled over when we were out with friends one night and she began talking about how I never help out and how I use her as a house slave. Her words. I will admit, I saw red. The next part is where I may be the asshole. I didn't say anything that night, but the next day I asked my boss to be given reduced hours for the next little bit due to stress. And I took...

Wow, I had like many different feelings and emotions throughout this. We're not even done. Oh, no.

She didn't lift a finger for around a month. Then she began asking why we never went on dates anymore and complaining that she wanted to get her nails done as they were growing in. I explained that I had to take that out of our budget so we could continue to afford everything else, but we could absolutely have a movie night in and I could paint her nails for her. She was unhappy with that solution, so I asked her if she would want to get a part-time job to pay for her luxuries.

You would have thought I asked if she wanted to join a cult. She then asked if I could just go pick up more shifts at work to cover her other expenses and used the phrase, be a man, which I found more than a little insulting. I then asked if she would be willing to go back to splitting the chores and such, which is when she began to catch on that the two were related.

As in he stopped making as much money to do the chores? Wow! It's gray.

It's very gray. I mean, I feel like they hate each other. Like, why are they together? For sure, they hate each other. I actually love this for him. I was like, at first I hated him, and now I'm like, he's a feminist icon. He's dishing it back. And stay-at-home moms, it's a tough gig. Yes. But, sweetie, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. Stay-at-home mom is arguably the hardest thing. Sorry, I don't... Hottest and hardest. Hot and hard. Absolutely. And

And I do love a woman telling her man, like, you have to help out. This isn't just like me. I don't know if it's the friend. I think he needs to accept that it sounds like this is she's kind of being a dick to him. It almost seems like she wants him to break up with her.

I could. Well, the threatening divorce is kind of giving that like she it seems like she almost wants him to call her on it. Like, oh, you're threatening me with divorce. OK, fine. Fear. You can have it. And it's like she has such unrealistic expectations for him. She's she's making him the house slave. And if he doesn't, she wants a divorce. Yeah. And then if she can't also have money, she wants to do it.

Oh, I mean, I'm out here just telling people to break up left and right. I love a divorce. I think it's empowering. Start a new fresh slate. I think this is wild because it sounds like he's

I mean, they're in trouble. He's going above and beyond. Like, not only is he now a stay-at-home dad, essentially, doing everything, he is also working. And then when it's like, oh, well, I need some money for my fill. I need my luxuries. Well, hey, why don't you get a part-time job? Absolutely the fuck not. Like, you can't do that. She's eating so much cake right now. So much. And also, like, there are men out here who don't do shit.

none. And the fact that he is like cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids is, I mean, it's great, but it sounds to me like, then let him do all the chores and you get a job, find something you're passionate in. And that sounds like a good balance. You start making money, bitch. I love that. Yeah. And that's like, that's a part of the argument too, where it's like, oh, well, a stay at home mom, like what off time do they have? But like,

She it doesn't sound like like the kids go to school and then it sounds like she has off time too. So for him to then be like splitting the chores even more unfairly and working. I'm just like I just don't I don't vibe with this one. I also wonder how what changed because it sounded like it wasn't like that. They had even chores. I think the friend the friend is like in her little maybe she's fucking her friend.

For sure. Like a thousand percent. Let me just start in conspiracy theories. It's the shoe fits. It's the shoe fits.

So top comment on this one, not the asshole. Stay at home means you do most of the housework. I'm not sure why your wife doesn't understand that. Dude, you said your wife is an angel. I'm not really seeing it. Threatening divorce to bludgeon you into doing more housework is a pretty big red flag. Yeah, the use of the word angel was strange to me in the beginning. She's usually an angel of a woman. An angel of a woman. I think she's probably beautiful.

And he like put all these things onto her that she was perfect. And now she's like, do you love me? Because if you don't listen to everything I do, I'm leaving you. There's a weird power dynamic happening. I bet she's like super hot. I could see it. I'm like, I'm really envisioning this now too, where she like, and there are some people, their goal in life is to be a stay-at-home mom. That's what they want to do. Yeah. I've honestly, I'd love to retire. Yeah.

I would. Just seeing you go into Pilates class in the morning. I would love to. Yeah. I used to go to hot Pilates all the time. I had Hailey Bieber like fucking next to me. Like, I gotta get back to my grind. Like, let's go. Sorry, guys. This is done. But it's fine to get to that point. But then like hire someone to take care of the kids. You can't have your husband doing both because he'll burn out and then that's not healthy. Well, it's like trade off. If you want, like, if you don't want to be a stay at home parent anymore and do all the housework, like,

Let him stay home and you go back to work. Like, but it can't be this uneven labor and the traditional, like, be a man, pay for me. Like, we don't live in 1950s.

We can't do that shit anymore. I've only been married for a second, but pretty much the most important thing about marriage is just like, okay, now we're a united front. How do we function together? So this is like 101 of marriage that they're having struggles with. Yeah. You're in here too right now, aren't you? I'm starting May 13th was my anniversary.

of marriage so it'll be a year two so it'll be my second year yeah yeah you're getting into the thick of it sophomore yeah what's the biggest fight you guys have had i've seen some shit um you know what's i'm trying to think about one thing because back in the day i did reality tv the number one thing is i'm not allowed to go on reddit you can't go on reddit so i don't know it's the only time i'm allowed to go on reddit i've never even seen reddit does it hurt your feelings

More just like I don't want... Back in the day with... You don't want it to affect your creativity of what people like say and stuff. Yeah. And I... Yeah, I ultimately like I don't even look at comments on like Instagram videos or photos and stuff. But this is like my safe Reddit place. Okay, I'm glad. This is the only fun part of Reddit. Yay!

I honestly, though, I have a hard time like and it's I, you know, I put myself here. I do this to myself every week. But it is like when you read some of the comments, it's like you're so out of touch. And I'm like, bitch, I was just playing in the mud last week. What do you mean I'm out of touch? Yeah. People are projecting their stuff onto you. And I always say if you're not getting hate on your podcast, no one's listening. Thank you. It's true. OK, that.

I feel a lot better. If everyone likes your podcast, that means that only your mom listens. Okay, so the one-star reviews are a good thing. Yes! It's true. Okay, I like it. Lightening the mood a little bit. This is coming from my very own Two Hot Takes subreddit. Oh, yes! Yeah. Posted about a day ago. It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Posting a Virginity Cake?

I, 18 male, have been dating my girlfriend, 18 female, for almost eight months now. Last week, we slept together for the first time. A day later, when hanging out with some of my friends, I told them that we had slept together. My friends always made fun of me for being a virgin, as I was the last in the group to have sex.

Yesterday, my friends came to my house with a small ShopRite cake that had a horribly written virgin with a big red X over it. They were all recording and laughing. I thought it was really funny, and they all took a video of me blowing out a candle on the cake as they all clapped.

I asked one of my friends to send me the video and I posted it to my private story on Snapchat. This story has my girlfriend, her two best friends who I'm also friends with, the four guys in my group, along with two other people who I'm friends with at school.

About two hours of my story being up, my girlfriend texted me that I was an immature asshole because I made a joke of an important step in our relationship and told multiple people and has threatened to break up with me. I took the story down and said it was just a joke and that I didn't mean to upset her. She left me on delivered. My friend texted me asking why I took the story down and I said it was because it made my girlfriend unhappy. My friend said she's overreacting and that I'm not an asshole.

am I the asshole what a good question I think he was an asshole and then unassholed himself okay explain yourself I think that this was one of these like boys jokes that like you know when something's really funny with your friend and then you tell it to your significant other and they were like well that kind of hurt my feelings this is the kind of thing that like

Her sexuality does not need to be a part of a joke. What she's doing in bed with you does not... She doesn't want to know that you talk to your friends about it. Yeah. So, like, he enjoyed it so much that he wanted to, like, make it, like, enjoyment for everyone when it's not. And I think that he was in the wrong. But the fact that he immediately was like, I'm so sorry and realized he made a mistake was nice of him. Yeah. I agree. I think it's, like, it's kind of a... Yeah, is it cheesy and kind of weird? Like, okay, maybe. But...

I have been tagged. I can't even tell you how many times in the meme of the guy who got his girlfriend the fart cake. Like, Jessica farted in front of me because I have this thing. I haven't really farted in front of my boyfriend. So I get tagged in it. And so it's kind of that same like concept where it's like, hey, buddy, like you had sex, which.

I don't know. It's kind of like this groundbreaking moment in a lot of people's lives. You know, when you're an 18 year old girl, how like you do not want people talking about what you're doing. Hell no. So like the fact that if if it would have been kept like really private between the dudes. Yes. OK. And I mean, he posted on a private Snapchat with like seven people on it, all like half of whom were in the room.

I'm like so old, but Snapchat, you can screenshot it and send it to people. I think she just didn't want it out there. Yeah. I also, no, I totally get that. I totally get why she felt. I don't think you should break up with a guy for it, but that's a moment where you're like, let's have this as a learning lesson that wasn't funny. Please respect what we do in private. Like, yeah, tell your best friends, but I don't need you making a mockery. It also depends on the person. Like,

Yeah, it depends on the person. And it is as someone who makes jokes for a living. It's a thin line between like what's actually funny for you versus like when it's someone if you're using someone else's life to get your friends to laugh. Yeah. Well, not I guess it's true. Like the bottom line is she said she was uncomfortable with it. He remedied the situation by taking it down. Yeah. So there's that. I'm like thinking about this now, though.

Do you feel that there's a double standard for guys versus girls where like girls, like we tell our girlfriends everything. We talk about their dick size. We, I mean, we like really get into it. And I had a conversation with like my friend Drew and she was like, guys don't talk about that.

Guys like don't really talk about the intimate details of like... They don't talk about intimate details of anything. Like have you ever asked like, oh, how's Steve? And he'll be like, yeah, Steve and his girlfriend broke up. And I'm like, why? And they're like, I don't know. I'm like, no follow-up question. You drop that kind of hot fucking spicy tea and you have not one detail. But the guys are taught like, for example, when you send nudes, he's showing all his friends.

Let's just be honest. That's dudes. What? If you send a nude to like a guy that you're like not seeing for a long time, he's going to show his friends. Why? To show it off. To be like, look at this girl. She has nice tits. She sent it to me. Like that's dudes.

ah it's true and within each other it's all like this like alpha like who's fucking did you fuck did you get those hot girls that kind of toxic culture which is cool keep it in your locker room but once you try to merge the locker rooms it gets weird like guys don't want to know that we're talking about how big their dicks are every time we sleep with them but like that's what we keep on our end and they keep their shit on their end but it's things to think about i know god what the

What the fuck? You can't be... If there's dudes out there listening, you can't be doing that. I also think, though, like, as someone in a relationship... It gives, like, revenge porn. No, I know. But that's why you just have to think. Like, he doesn't... He's a kid and he wants to show his friends, like, how hot this girl is. I mean, how many times have you gone dick pic and sent it to, like, 10 people? Never. I do. I, like, have one saved on my phone. I'm like, is this not insane? Oh, I was just talking to someone about that. Um...

That 365 show. And I was like, that dick had to be hard and they taped it down because there's no way someone is that big flaccid. Because if that's that big flaccid, he can't be having sex with people. There's no way. Just don't put your face in photos ever.

I don't like sending nudes unless it's, like, someone I, like, have been with for a while. Yeah. Or, like, send teasers where it could be anyone's labia, you know? True. Got it from Google. Also, the fact that you said that you've never farted in front of your boyfriend, particularly for me...

is so funny because I am like the gassiest person in the world. Oh, I am. I put myself in pain every day. No, how are we going to fight the patriarchy if we have a stomach ache? I don't know. I've started to be very subtle in bed. The only problem is I kind of am like a stinky gal too. Yeah. So like I do the like pull your butt cheeks apart method. Yes. And so that's really helped. So I like I am. Do you get nervous when he goes down on you?

Oh, yeah. I have like a friend that accidentally shit in a guy's mouth. So I like whenever I'm gassy and have stomach issues, I'm like, we cannot six nine today. Like this is not happening. No, because I never burp. Like it never goes out the top. It always goes out the bottom. Yeah. So but I even if I tried to be dainty like you, I always like I'll laugh too hard and a fart will come out.

So like I also think it's powerful to there's respect like I want to respect our relationship. Yeah, I've definitely farted like to get a guy to break up with me before like how many times can I fart and did it work?

No, they like it more sometimes because you're just confident. Some people do get turned on by farts. I mean, some people want to be shit on, literally. I mean, maybe we just need to find that because then we could just be our true IBS selves. But honestly, like, mine are... My farts are really scary. Hot. Like...

they often stink and they are loud. Like, I don't know if I just have a juicy ass and there's a lot to like flap, but they are loud. Like truly. I'm like, and you do this all on your own. Yeah. Like it's so wild. And my body knows when he leaves. So like, hell yeah, your body gets tight, but you've been together for like what? Three years? Four. Oh, you poor baby. I know I'm going to do it. Like go out and find a Starbucks.

Um, usually when we're traveling, I'll make him go down the lobby or like go get coffee and I'll like do my thing. But... Do you ever tell him like, I need to shit? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Like we have like our poopery that we travel with because he's got stomach issues, but he doesn't fart. He's never like farted. Wow. See, my husband is like really good at farting. Like he's like, people will clap after a good fart. And I think that's like so powerful. So I like to do that. But...

What helped our marriage is my husband got COVID and then he couldn't smell for a while. So I was silent farting all fucking day and he couldn't tell. And I was like, we'd be in the car, hot box of car and he couldn't tell. And I was like, this is saving our marriage. Oh my God. Like I'd be like gagging at my own fart and he'd be like, what a nice day out. And I'm like, oh my God. You have no idea. Wouldn't that be amazing? Yeah. Obviously COVID was... It's horrible. Horrible. Horrible. But sometimes...

I mean, if men... I wish it was like you could like... Just turn it off and back on. Yeah. I hotboxed the car and we were driving by like Universal on the highway and I had to roll down the window. I'm like, God, do you smell those eggs? Like there must be a gas leak. Did someone die in the trunk? So he's never caught you and been like, you farted? No. No, there's been no like...

obvious sound but I know I fart in my sleep and I feel like he's just lying to me because I like have woken myself up from like scaring myself awake from a fart. Wait sleep farting people don't talk enough about and I think my husband early on was like you fart a lot in your sleep. I am I know I'm ripping ass all night. Because you know when you go to sleep bloated and you wake up just skinny who is she Bella Hadid bitch you've been like an orchestra all night. All night. All night. All night.

Yeah. Maybe you need to get one of those recorders. I've thought about it, but then I'm like... You don't want to know. I don't want to know. And I do jump scare myself awake with them. So it's like, I just, you know, it's not worth it. And my body knows, like, the minute he walks out the door, I am like... Yes. Like, instantly. But it is true. When you're first with someone, the adrenaline, like, keeps it together. But four years, I don't know how you do it. It's truly incredible. You should run for president.

I should. Yeah. I have wanted to get into politics. Oh my God, I could see that for you. I just don't want to get shot. I have a hot take. I'm scared of getting shot though. True. Like, I mean, people are fucking nuts. Everyone gets shot nowadays. It's terrifying.

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Okay, we are moving on. That was just a little warm up because I can't like jump scare everyone straight out of the gate. Oh, I love a jump scare. This one makes me want to kill someone. Okay. Trigger warning on this next one. It does mention talks of sexual assault and kidnapping. So this is from R.

r slash true off my chest posted four days ago it is titled my 23 female boyfriends 26 male friends pretended to kidnap me for a proposal oh they kidnapped her oh what the fuck okay continue

I am trembling and just created this alt account because my main has a lot of details about me that would make it easy to trace back. A week ago, my boyfriend told me he had a camping trip planned with his friends on Friday, today. He said he would have no service and he'll see me on Sunday. He messaged me at 5 a.m. this morning and told me they're hitting the road. Around 8, I went for a run like I usually do on Fridays. I have one headphone in while I do because I was on a work call.

While I was running, I noticed an SUV that kept popping up. In hindsight, it looked just like my boyfriend's childhood friend's car. I sent a message to my sister saying to stand by and shared my location. It's so funny how girls have such good intuition. She's like, I'm going to die today because that car is a little too close. Trust your gut, girlies.

Right after sending the message, I looked up and the SUV was right beside me and someone jumped out and grabbed me. It happened so fast, I even dropped my phone on the pavement. I was pulled into this car and I could tell there was at least two masked guys in the back before they covered my eyes. In hindsight, they had cartoonish ski masks and black gloves on.

I freaked out and resisted like crazy, screaming and kicking. All I could hear was these guys laughing, and I could feel one of them holding me down by my arms behind me, and the other was holding my legs down at the knees.

This is so fucking traumatic. Immediate trauma, immediate therapy for 30 years. I don't know how long I was in there, but I kept begging them to let me go and crying. I even admit I peed on myself, but I don't think they noticed until we arrived at the house. They pulled me out of the car and I was screaming for help until I was pulled into the house.

Yeah.

I realized who he was and what was going on and collapsed into sobs. I probably had a five-minute panic attack in that car on my way there and another one sitting in the entryway to his house.

I was sweaty, wearing soiled yoga pants, flushed with fear, scared for my life. That was all about an hour or two ago. My boyfriend took me upstairs and was going to help me get showered and changed, but I wanted to do that alone. I heard yelling and commotion downstairs while I showered, but I don't know what is going on. I'm sitting in his room now holding my shattered phone after crying to my sister about what happened. She lives 1.5 hours away, but is speeding over to get me now.

I can't stop thinking about what happened. And even though I now know I was never in any danger, I don't think my brain can comprehend it. They were snickering and teasing me in deepened voices about what they were going to do to me. Oh!

The one that was holding my legs down kept caressing my thighs up and down into the inner area. Oh, hell no! When the car would break, his face kept falling into my chest. I don't even know who that was. I just know one of them sounded unsure and kept trying to diffuse the situation. But I think it was the driver. So, did he propose?

I don't think so. We have some edits. Like, it seems like things... There were follow-up questions? Yeah, like, everyone had, like, what the fuck is going on type reactions in the comment. As in maybe they had a plan and then the friends, like, kind of went rogue? Yeah, it sounds like that because obviously, like, he expected her to show up. He had, like, everything set up and, like, ready for a cute proposal. Yeah.

So I don't know, like, why couldn't they just have been like, hey, can we take you somewhere? Hey, it's your friends. We want to take you somewhere. And it's a surprise. What what's wrong with that? I think sometimes people will use any opportunity as an excuse to, like, act out their insane fantasies. Like, I feel like these guys had a fantasy to kidnap a woman and play this out. And they took this as like, here's our shot. Let's get her there. But let's do it our way.

And they just went fucking rogue. The word rogue is so fun to say, but this is not a fun situation because I feel like dudes will never understand the fear of

Of like being alone, walking or running as a girl. Like anywhere you go, I'll walk somewhere like with a guy and be like, I can never be alone. Like, thank God you're here. And they never think that. And this is every girl's worst nightmare is going outside alone and getting captured by a bunch of men. I think about this every time I walk outside by myself. Literally. Even in broad daylight. Literally. Literally.

I'm like, I'm speechless. I need to know like any follow-ups. Yeah. So top comment on this is, this is no joke. Most people who are kidnapped or assaulted are done so by people they know. This is assault. Press charges against these shitty friends of his. And someone goes, it's essay as well. The friend and his friends thought they had a get out of jail free card to enact their sick fantasies. So yeah. Wow. Comments picking up on it too. So there is an edit at the top.

My sister arrived. She wants to take me to the police station now. I haven't spoken to my boyfriend yet, but I think there's more to this story than he knew about. I'll have to log off for a while. Thank you for the support in the comments.

Edit number two. I'm working with police now. This is going to be investigated as a false imprisonment if I press charges. My sense of time was so warped. From where I was picked up to his house was about seven or ten minutes in the car. It felt like way longer than that. As for the friends, the driver was his childhood best friend who I actually get along well with.

He was in tears when he voluntarily arrived at the police station for a statement. The other two were friends from his athletics class that he started attending a few months ago. It seems like the two guys I didn't know wanted in on what otherwise was supposed to be something more innocent.

The original plan was for them to pop out of this car in their funny kidnapping attire and hand me a letter that explained I was being summoned by boyfriend and resistance is futile. Seems like the plan changed as the two new friends wanted to shake me up a bit more and make it feel more real. Edit three. I've had time to calm down and long talks with my sister. We are going to meet up with my ex, question mark, boyfriend for dinner tonight. Okay.

He has been respectful of my request for space, but has been emotional whenever he thinks about what I went through this morning. His best friend contacted me repeatedly apologizing for allowing it to get that far, but I asked for him to stop and he did. The best friend's fiance reached out and has been supportive and apologetic too. I'm astounded at the support I've received here and wish I could thank each of you individually.

I've never had anyone other than my sister and boyfriend care for my mental well-being like this. Reddit is a very kind place sometimes. Sometimes. Cute word. Wait, so it sounds like these two motherfuckers ruined the whole situation in the worst possible way. Even like... Also, what is athletics club? What does that mean? Your gym buddies who are snorting up steroids? Sounds like it. I'm just like blown away. And I guess like to each their own.

But my idea of a romantic proposal doesn't include any blindfolding. Also, that was planned out. Like, I know she's going to be running at this time and she'll be in this place. Find her. Absolutely not. I hate to be another breakup, but it worries me as to what kind of people he fucks with. And then also...

Why he thought that would ever potentially be even cute. That's what I'm wondering. Even the jump scare of them just surprising her at first is enough for me to be like, nope, not fun, not cool. No. And like anytime there's a mask involved, it's kind of like it doesn't matter how childish the mask is. Like when someone initiates a kidnapping, you think you're getting kidnapping, like kidnapped. Like and even now she's like, well, I know I was never in any real harm.

Tell that to your brain. Like, she's going to experience PTSD forever. Anytime she's trying to run outside, she's a black SUV. Panic attack. Like, this is not something that now that you know it's fake, you instantly can just be like, I'm good. I didn't pee myself. You're so right. It's like, this is so random, but the Cindy Crawford, Cindy Crawford documentary. Oh,

Oh, yeah. I want to watch that. It was like she basically had to do all this weird stuff when she was a kid. And then later on, she realized that it was trauma. But during it, she didn't realize. So it's so interesting how your brain doesn't really know how to process things. Even when you like logically are like, this is going to be fine. This is fine. Your brain knows when it's not. Yeah. Also, if he was actually trying to propose, the fact that now they're on the verge of breaking up is a literal plot twist.

Yeah, but I totally see why because even like being around his best friend, like I would be so I would be so angry at that person. Also, you're not a butt of their jokes. Like it's giving like they hate women. Like this is supposed to be the most beautiful moment of like this person's life. Exactly. Of love and celebrating a connection of a man and a woman. And they're literally treating her like she's an animal. Yeah.

They assaulted her. And that's like, I get like, oh, the boyfriend thought it would be cute, like kidnap proposal. Okay, here's the letter, babe. Whatever. Where did he get that idea? Stupid fucking idea. Stupid idea. Men are so silly sometimes. I really wish she ended up murdering one of them. Is that bad to say? No. Okay. I think it's deserved.

But they then took it far and they started touching her. Yeah, no, that's when it's like you go into Taekwondo mode and you like look at that TikTok you watched once where like if a guy puts his hand on your neck and then you stab him in the eye with your long fingernail gel nail French manicure.

I want like I want so I just like literally there's this device I saw and it's it's something you insert in your vagina and has claws on it. Yeah. So if a guy tries to rape you.

if they stick their dick up in you, it'll bite their dick off. It is literally like the human, the vagina claw movie. It clamps down and they can't like, if they pull back, it like rips into them. Imagine before every date, you just put it in just in case. And then like, if you like him, you're like, I'm going to take this out. Honestly, I could see a lot of girls like starting to do this. And this is like, this is not like it's, I don't want to be like, it's our responsibility as women to like,

blah blah do this like I don't want like any victim blaming here but it is like I mean in college I would have girls that like would put oak cream on their clits before we went out like and it was just like a fun little tingly made them horny before the bar and I could see like being like girls like teeth up let's go the problem is I would get wasted and forget that I have the teeth in my pussy that is true because how many people have sex with tampons in

You don't even know if you have it in. You put another one in, you have three tampons in. It's wild. That's the problem. But

Yeah, bad things can happen. Like, we'd then be, like, hurting men that didn't deserve it. He tries to go down on you and his tongue just gets... Oh, just sliced like a garbage disposal. Yeah. Okay. I should not be laughing. No. But, like, a teeth vagina sounds just, like, really empowering. I always... I have, like, a stand-up bit about when you accidentally snap his dick when, like, you get off rhythm when you're riding him. Oh, God, I've done that and that, like... It's very empowering. Snap those dicks, ladies.

What? Oh, my God. What show is it, though, that he actually broke his dick? New Girl. It was Schmidt. Schmidt. Schmidt would break his dick. It's very on brand for him. I've literally done that to my boyfriend before. And you just hear a snap. And I was like. And you don't know. You're like, it's definitely not a bone. Maybe it's cartilage. I don't know what it is. It's so squishy, though. Like, it's amazing how it can grow and get so hard. I do think about this because I'll just, like, reach over. I'm like.

I just love it. It's just like, you remember those little stress things you had in elementary school and it had the colored water in it? Yes, and it would like go big. Yeah, you can like stick your hand in sometimes as a whole experience. We don't need to talk more about soft dicks because they're so sweet and they don't want to hurt anybody. They're not even interested in you. They're just trying to do their own thing. They're kind of cute. They're adorable. I used to think they're really ugly, but like I've been like really kind of staring at it now. A little sleepy art bark.

Yeah. Depends on the circumcision situation. Mm-hmm.

Or a turtle in a shell. I just saw something. I don't know who it was, but it was like, oh, uncircumcised? There's one hoodie that she can't steal from you. That is really funny. And I was like, that's a good one. I also think there's something confident about a guy who isn't... You know how guys are weird, like, don't look at my dick before it's hard? Yeah. When a guy's just confident in it, just slanging around. It's so hot. Oh, it's so hot. I love the windmill. I think that is like a talent thing.

Like that is truly the gyration of the hips to get the windmill going. Oh, the things we can't do with our little clit. Have you tried doing it with your tit? I don't know. I feel like it would hurt. Mine are a little heavy. I mean, running is painful. You could hit someone. Yeah. Honestly, sometimes on top, if I lean over, I start to feel like a cow with udders. I'm like, this is why I want a breast lift.

But it's so, this situation too, like some people get turned on by like fear. Like some people like want to feel like they could get hit by a brick in bed and that's how they come. Where like, I'm like any fear, any, I'm like, no, absolutely. If he even accidentally like, like scratches me, I'll be like, ow, ow. This is a safe space. So it obviously depends on what you're into, but having his friends non-consensually involved in a kidnapping and then they touch you,

Absolutely not. I don't know how this guy's going to recover, but hopefully he learned a lot. I hope so. I think that this is going to be a good, like, clean break for her. I think the breakup is the best decision. No matter, like, how much you love someone, I don't think I would ever be able to get past this. But also, I feel like if someone really fucking loves you, they wouldn't put that situation in their dumbass friends they just met in their athletic club's hands.

And that's the question. Like, is he that stupid? Does he truly not have more than one brain cell? Sometimes these horrible things that happen to you are a sign from the universe to be like, get the fuck out of this situation. Also, the ring probably sucked. There are a lot of comments from OP. God, we really took a turn there in the middle, didn't we? We did. We were talking about tits flying.

windmills. So much. I don't know what's just more fucked up, the story or us. What are people saying? A lot of comments. A lot of people sharing their own kidnap stories. Yeah, like there's one person that was like, I was kidnapped too as a kid for an event for new high schoolers as a way to haze the freshmen. I used to not be claustrophobic and now I am among other things. My love for quite a few things as well as my innocence died that day when I was 14 and changed me forever. Oh,

I have watched kidnapping documentaries and it's...

fascinating the and it fucks with your mind because you think like you deserved it or like you're lucky that that person chose you and like for people who are like kidnapped for years and then you start just being like you don't know who you are anymore it is some fucked up shit it's not funny no i'm a comic and i could find funniness in a lot of things not that no i will you look at like the um who is the girl that was kidnapped like and turned up and like

The kidnapper like raped her and she had children with them. Like, and it's like she felt so much guilt. Like, and it's like you have nothing to feel guilty for. Like, oh, so sad. But OP ends up like responding to that comment and being like, I'll message you since you've been through something similar. I'm sorry you had that experience, especially at such a young age. Mm hmm.

And so it's like, it's nice that she's even finding this community in Reddit to like maybe help her share similar experiences and heal. And like, granted, yeah, she wasn't kidnapped for 10 years by someone, but there's something even weirder about like, you're pranked. Like, you're the butt of someone's joke when you pissed yourself and don't even know these people. Like, she's not in on the joke at all. No. It's just so fucked. A lot of comments. Someone, I don't know what this has to do with anything, and maybe it's like something...

culturally, I don't understand. But someone goes, is your boyfriend from Kazakhstan? And Opie goes, no, he's ethnically from the Middle East and I'm from Eastern Europe. Very similar backgrounds, actually. We were both born and raised in America. We are both culturally and socially very Western slash American.

Interesting. Yeah, so I'm not sure. Is Kaz like, stand like, just out here kidnapping people for fun all the time? Well, maybe it's like, because I have seen another video of like, a kidnap proposal on TikTok because they had the CCTV footage. And I'm like, maybe it's like a thing where it's like- Did it go well on that TikTok? Same thing. Same thing. So take note, guys. Like, people, do not fucking propose like this. No. This is terrifying. No. Or if you- No. Yeah, just absolutely not.

I have no comment. No. I will post the link for this one in the description for sure. There's a lot of comments. Also, it seems like OP could use even more support from you guys. So I know you'll do your amazing work and head in there and let them know you're there. Moving along, though. Yep.

There is this crazy one that popped up recently, two months ago, exactly, actually. But the guy had a very concerning post that was also on his account from three years ago. So we're first going to take a little walk down. Oh, we're doing some investigative journalism. We are, you know, pulling out the credentials here on Two Hot Takes. So we're going to have a little walk down memory lane and then get into his most recent one that is the one that really just made me want to fucking fight him. Okay. Yeah.

Wow, you're sassy today. Always. Okay, so the OG one is from three years ago. It is titled, Am I the asshole for getting mad at my girlfriend for wearing mismatched socks? Socks. For using the D word after she had Adidas and Nike together. Like, that is me every day. Oh, my God. I've been dating G for five years and was considering proposing until this.

G has always wore mismatched socks, not just two different colors, but patterned ones too. When we were younger, I thought it was adorable. As we're getting older and furthering our careers, I find it unprofessional and immature. And it's a little mood killing because it's not very sexy when that time comes.

I've had multiple discussions with her about it up until now, and she's always brushed it off. She doesn't think it's a big deal. I'm a little less bothered with this at home, except for when we're getting down. But the last straw was when we went to visit my parents when stay at home was lifted in our state.

She's proving important to him now. She's like doing it to piss him off. I would never wear matching socks again. Ever.

To me, it proves she's acting like a literal child. I just don't understand what's the problem with wearing normal matching plain socks. When she was at work, I got rid of all of the patterned and colored socks and replaced them with all black socks. I thought she would be excited to get new socks. She blew up at me, accused me of being the immature one, accused me of needing to feel in control, etc. I just wanted her to dress like an adult and told her I don't want to marry an overgrown child.

If they're just socks, why are you risking your whole marriage for it? Get over yourself.

They're both... This is like the pettiest fight, but it's like, again, do these people just hate each other? Also, I get it. Maybe you think socks are childish, but she has to do other things that are childish for you to say she's a grown adult being a child. Like, it sounds like she has a job. It sounds like she has a nice family. I mean, he gave not one other... I don't know what adults do. Wow, that's super embarrassing. We're now realizing I don't know what an adult is, but... We are out of touch. We are so out of touch. But like,

He didn't give one example of her doing anything else immature. They're socks. So how often do you see people's socks? Like, is she wearing, like, mini skirts with, like, long socks? I mean, like, I don't get this. Socks are meant to just, like, get dirty and be on the floor and be in your sweaty shoes and be gross. Like, it's not...

I don't know. And if someone replaced all my fun socks with black socks, I hate black socks. Uh-huh. Hate them. Yeah, that's like work socks. It's weird. Like, I like my nice white Nike socks and my Adidas socks and I have some TJ Maxx socks that are white and like,

I'll call the police. If a guy threw out a bunch of my clothes and replaced them, I'd be like, you're Looney Tunes. That is psychotic to go through someone's stuff and throw it away. I have so many socks that I've gotten from people as like gifts. Like my friend Jordan went to London and got me like a British bus pair of socks. Yeah.

Like, what the fuck? I do, though. I have OCD with my socks where, like, if they don't both feel exactly the same, I feel weird. But that's, like, my own issue. Like, if when I was little, if they put my sock on and, you know, that little line at the top, if it wasn't, like, perfectly lined up, I'd be like, we have to do it again. I'm weird with socks. You have a sensory palate. I'm over this. Yeah. And if any of my clothes is scratchy, I freak out. But, like, color-wise, I don't care. But, um...

At first, it seems like maybe she made a mistake, but it sounds like she just she likes wearing different socks and that's her shtick. So it sounds like you don't love her for her. I would agree with that. Top comment on this one. You're the asshole. You should accept your girlfriend as she is. If you can't, don't fucking propose to her. Also, there's worse things your girlfriend can be doing. And if if this is what is so upsetting to you, like maybe there's other things going on.

I'm like, don't you have bigger fish to fry? I've thought about this a lot recently where I've kind of realized how gross I am as a person. Sometimes I'll take my contacts out without washing my hands. Nasty. There is definitely a guy that broke up with me because I did that and I just realized this recently. I literally remember I put my contacts in after we slept and woke up together and I didn't go to the bathroom and wash my hands. I just popped them right in the morning and he looked at me and he wore contacts too and he's like,

He's like, did you just put those in your eyes without washing your hands? And I'm like, yeah. He never talked to me again after that. He left that morning and disappeared. If a guy is going to leave you because of that, it was holding on by a thread. I was obsessed. He was not the one for you. Because I've dated a germaphobe. And I was like, you know when you eat popcorn, you can't get it all in your mouth? I don't know why it is. And you're not going to eat one at a time. But instead, you just throw it at your mouth and you hope some go in. I don't know. That's why I eat popcorn. I do that. Yeah.

Yeah. It's so, you're just like, oh. And then you always miss. So obviously he was getting on the couch and then obviously I wasn't going to waste popcorn. So I was eating it off the couch and he was like, don't eat that popcorn. And I was like, and he's like, don't do it. And obviously you have to do it. So I'm like, oh, you're not going to fuck me tonight because I ate popcorn off our own couch. Did he?

He was very upset about it, but he stayed with me. Okay. Yeah. Look around. If they're going to break up with you because of that shit, there's deeper issues going on in your relationship. It's like when you get really anxious about something when it's not really about that. It's like your entire life you're putting into... Oh, yeah. You freak out because...

you like tripped yeah and you're like my life is horrible it's like no you have issues that you haven't dealt with so I think he's projecting other shit onto this sock I could totally see that leave the socks alone oh god another gross popcorn thing me and uh Justin like we get really high off our gummies and like sit there and like we have this like simple pop yeah I will literally wake up the next day finding popcorn in my bed I fucking eat it I slept on that popcorn all night it's called saving it for later

I'm so gross. Okay. So let's get to the one that really was just like... This is the update. Okay. So it was posted two months ago. So they've been together for about two years, eight months since the sock debacle. Yeah. Am I the asshole for not shaving my pregnant wife and not giving her a spa day? So now they're married. They pulled the trigger. Unfortunately. I wish she would have ran. Okay.

Continue. Hello, all. A couple of years back, I was seeking insight about my then-girlfriend's mismatched socks. Comments were vicious but useful. Vicious but useful. She did not leave me as some hoped, and we are married. The situation today. My wife, Gia, is heavily pregnant with our first. It's been tough on her, and I've tried to be as accommodating as possible until I can take leave and help her out full-time until the baby is here.

Gia has not been able to shave her intimate areas recently. As such, she asked me to do it for her. I told her no, and it escalated into a massive fight. It just grosses me out. I go down on her and everything. That's not what grosses me out. The idea of having to shave long pubic hairs simply puts me off.

This fucking guy, I swear to God. I know she feels better about herself when she shaves, and I know she's going through something I'll never understand, but it's not an absolute necessity to be shaved. I just don't want to, and I wouldn't expect or want her to do it for me either. When she finally relented and started being less emotional, she floated the idea of me paying for a spa day and she could get waxed. Again, I told her no, and we had another fight.

Also, I don't like when he said she became less emotional. This is your pregnant wife that is asking for help. She's not being emotional. You're having a fight with each other. You're probably emotional too, motherfucker. I'll fight him. Also, he wants her to keep the pubic hairs, but he's grossed out being near the pubic hairs.

When he shaves them. What's the difference between eating them when you're munching rug? Also, hey, babe, this is a bonding experience. It really is. I feel like if I asked my husband to do that, it would be a hilarious story. We'd laugh. It could get awkward and weird, but like it's a bonding. I'm going to get to just wait.

I'm well off, so she does not work and I supply her needs. Then pay for the spa day, motherfucker. You want to talk about the money you got? Why aren't you paying for the spa day? Or pay for a male prostitute to shave her pubes for her. I hate him. She asked why she should have to use her allowance. She has personal, savings, household, and baby. And why can't I just do this one thing for her? I told her there's literally no reason to. He's so controlling. She has plenty of money from me.

She said my options were to pay for the spa day or shave her. I laughed in her face and walked away, saying neither. Since this all went down on Sunday, I've been getting texts about how fucked up it is that I won't help my pregnant wife.

She's just acting spoiled and ignoring boundaries and being overly emotional. I'm not refusing to help her. I've been doing nothing but helping her, even after I work all day. We have a housekeeper right now, so she really isn't expected to do anything, and it's beyond me why I should have to give her more money on top of the 8K I just gave her. Am I really the asshole in this situation because I don't want to shave her and don't want to give her more money? I do think he sucks, but 8K is a...

nice allowance but I do think like why is if you're gonna pay for your lady you cannot be a stickler with it you can't be like well I have an allowance here and the baby but it's like either you're providing for her you're not yeah you because then you start being like I'll take this away you can only get this much and it sounds like she's kidnapped

It's a little interesting. It seems like a little incubator. For sure. You got yourself an incubator. Obviously, AK is a ton of money, but I'm saying there's a power struggle happening where she's basically like, I want you to be there for me. And he's like, no. And then she's like, these two need a reality TV show. Why are they together?

Also, 8K a month, I had to literally pull out the calculator. I'm that bad at math. Yeah. But 8K a month is 96 grand a year. And I don't think you have to pay. Do you have to pay taxes on that? I was about to ask. I don't think so. Like if someone's just giving. Because it's like you're married. It's both your money. Yeah. He pays the taxes on it. Yeah. So that's after taxes. It goes. 96K a year. No taxes. That's pretty nice. Maybe she should pay for her spa day.

But again, it's like, okay, if you're paying her that much money, what is $200? She's clearly not doing it for the money. She's trying to do it to be like, do you care about me? Yeah. If my partner said no to shaving me, I would be like, you are not capable of being in the delivery room. If you can't handle a little pubic hair, how are you going to watch me poop myself? Also, maybe it could be hot.

Okay, so this is where I was going to go with this. I've shaved someone's asshole before. And it was exhilarating. I loved it. I'm a very crafty person. I love getting things so precise. So making sure everything was shaved. And I was in the shower and I'm on my knees looking up with the razor. Spreading cheeks. It was great. It was so fun. Yeah. I would do it again. Yeah, I mean...

that you're people are sticking tongues and buttholes why can't you shave it exactly I this guy likes to like put a like harsh like statement on something like I don't like this and I won't ever do it and there needs to be a little more like I don't know openness open-mindedness it is interesting what he picks fights about that's what I meant yeah

Like the socks and then like... He draws lines in the sand that I don't understand the beach. Yes, that's the best way to put it. Because, well, and that's what I was kind of thinking. I'm like, if you don't, like, you don't mind the pubic hair when you go down on her. Like, he made a point of saying that. Like, I eat her out. Okay.

And so it's like, that's in your face. Like, you're definitely getting a stray hair here or there. You're eating it, you know? So it's like... Also for a guy to say, I think it's gross to shave you doesn't make you feel good. You don't want a man that's like, I don't want to shave your gross hairy pussy. Yeah. Well, and that just makes me think if she does have health complications down the road, he...

He is going to be one of the guys to leave her. Like if she had a stroke and became disabled, he would leave her. And that is like there's stats out there. Guys are more likely to leave women than women are to leave men in the case of disability or injury or whatever. Yeah. And at some point, I don't care if you have like a phobia of pubic hair. This is your pregnant wife who needs you.

Yeah. And like this is called just being there as a team together, united for this baby coming out and her wanting to feel clean. If anything, it should make you feel good that like to be helpful for a second besides just shoving money in her face. Well, and I just saw something recently. I think it was because Chrissy Teigen before she gave birth said,

tweeted like hey I'm super hairy and I want to get waxed before I deliver but I've heard waxing is so much more painful when you're pregnant and everyone was in the replies do

Do not do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. I can't do waxing normally. It's too painful for me because I have really sensitive skin and like dark, dark hair. I have really coarse hair. I like bleed after. I bleed. I shake. I sweat. It's the worst. I started getting laser. I highly recommend laser, but I need to go back to it because I took a little break because they actually lasered my perineum. But that's a whole nother discussion for another time.

It was really painful. You know, like the little pink area? It was like, my whole life flashed before my eyes. Are they not supposed to shoot right at the taint? Well, there's definitely not a hair on it. I don't know how they hit it. Or maybe there was a little hair on it. I was like bleeding for like a week. Do you lay on your stomach when they laser your asshole? Or do you like lay on your back? I lay on my stomach. Good. Like with waxing?

I'll never get over this. Like I would only go to European wax because they have the fancy wax that like doesn't need the paper and it feels the best. Yeah. But one time this lady, like when I first started going, they'd be like, okay, let's do the butt strip, flip over and just pull your cheeks apart. Yeah. Great. Super easy to do. Yeah. And the last time I went, this lady was like, okay, bring your knees to your face and spread it. And I was like,

Oh, my God. I was like, I just did it. I was like, I'm going to awkwardly comply. But then I asked her, I was like, do you ever have people flip on their stomachs? And she's like, no, why? And I'm like, you should try it. It's a lot easier. Oh, my God. Yeah. Just like you're doing doggy, but a little painful. God, it's something. Okay. But the devil's advocate in me with all this is like, well, boundary's a boundary. Like, she should respect his boundary. Yeah.

Yes. You know, I think because we already hated him from before. The socks really fucked us up. I was like this fucking guy yet again, yet again. But I'm trying also like, bro, she's not asking him to do something that she's not asking him to eat her shit. It's it's not a big deal. It's like being like, hey, could you cut my nails for me? And he's like, no, no.

I'm like, who, what battle are you fighting? It is quite strange. What are you afraid of? I would love to meet this man. I don't like it. But you know what? This is the kind of thing where he says no and he puts, gets a boundary. He's going to need something from her in the future. And she's going to be like, remember when I was fucking heavy pregnant, like feeling like shit and you wouldn't even shave a pube. Fuck you. I'd keep that in the back of my mind. The second he's like dying, I'd be like, I have a girl's night.

I would be very busy. I would be so unavailable. I'd be like, oh, your cancer's back? You need a ride to the hospital? Too bad. I have a cake in the oven I'm waiting for, so I can't leave. Sorry, babe. I'm just lulling them. I...

No, look at me. I hold grudges. I don't forget anything. No, we talked about this last time. I'm like, I'm a grudge holder. Same. It's healthy sometimes. It's called being smart. Yeah, which this next one, I would definitely hold a grudge on. We got another pregnancy story. And something that has come up a lot on social media, especially Twitter, is guys losing attraction for their partner over the tiniest things. Wow. Yeah. Like an ick. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So this was a short one also coming from the Too Hot Takes subreddit. It's titled, Am I the Asshole for Being Confused That My Boyfriend Won't Be Intimate With Me When I'm Pregnant With His Child. I was going to post this on Am I the Asshole subreddit, but it involved this topic.

My 23-female boyfriend, 23-male, and I were having a date, and the topic of children arose. He said he wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with a woman who was pregnant. I obviously got confused because hopefully we'll have children in the future together. So I asked if he would have sex with me if I was pregnant with his child. He said no, that he would stop after I became visibly pregnant, referring to my belly. What?

I then said that was not fair because we would go a very long time not being intimate with each other. And that's not the norm for us. He then said that he would be willing to have sex with me to naturally induce labor if it ever came to that. But other than that, no.

When I asked why, he stated that he would feel just uncomfortable doing so. We then talked about it a bit more, but he stood firm on this. It was indeed a very weird conversation, but now I feel like I'll be left in the lurch when I do have a baby with him. We did laugh about it afterwards, but I want to know if my feelings are valid in this situation. I don't mean to stereotype all men.

But I feel like sometimes men like to be like, no, I'll never do that. And then like, they'll do it. I could see that. They like, they have an idea in their head. But then in the moment, you're like, babe, it's me. That's my pussy. I'm turning around. Put it in. I'm horny. Sorry, that was so graphic. But like, that's what I envision it's going to be like.

No, it's like, dude, like, are you not thinking about your own needs, too? Like, are you not going to be horny for six months? Yeah. Like, are you just getting hand jobs? Some guys get so turned on by pregnant women. Have you heard that? Like, they love their women pregnant. They're obsessed with it. And it's like, you're not fucking, like...

What do you it's still the same person. Well, and it's not like I think some guys get confused. They're like, isn't my dick going to hit the baby? Your dick's not that big, bro. Your dick can like barely hit the back of her cervix. You're not hitting a baby. Your four inch needle dick is not killing a baby.

Let's calm it down. Oh, and the comment to like induce labor. It's like, oh my God. To induce labor. These guys think their dick is so fucking powerful. That's what I think he thinks. I think he thinks like he's going to eject the baby. Like it's going to be like the ripcord on the parachute. Like I think that's what he thinks his dick can do. He's just confused. And like when she's actually pregnant, he'll realize like it's not going to feel different. If anything, enjoy it.

enjoy it while you can yeah also this little fight is giving like I had a dream you cheated on me and we're fighting now like she's not pregnant yet but based on the title if I was a worm would you be with me that's literally what this is because based on the title like which is all I read I thought like

Like she was going to be pregnant. Yeah. And he's grossed out. But it's like, no, they're having like an imaginary fight. That they laughed about. That's again why I think he's like trying to be kind of like, no, I wouldn't. Yeah. When it's like. It's not real yet. It's not real. And some people have these imaginary boundaries and then they see it and they're like, oh, I'm being so overdramatic about this. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, it is a fun imaginary fight. That sounds, you're at the point where you're like, I'm bored tonight. What should I do? Let's pick an imaginary fight with him. If I was a worm that was pregnant, would you go down on me and shave my vagina? My worm vagina. Yeah.

There is a little edit. Basically, our OP says, I'm a midwife. I know a lot about female anatomy and what pregnancy and birth does to you. Women are different. I was confused by his comments. I'm not naive. And someone, the top comment basically is just like, you need to nail down exactly why. If it's because you look physically different, that could mean he also won't be attracted to you after birth.

Oh, it's funny because I feel like having a baby with someone should bring people like so much closer. Like I've created our child. How beautiful is that? But I do think that if you're not right for each other, it can exacerbate. That was a huge word. I think I mispronounced exacerbate all the.

problems that are going on because now you have like a kid crying in the other room yeah but like in my imaginary world I think it's like I'm your savior or your lord and savior who created a mini you so like you're welcome yeah be thankful being pregnant like the fact that like

It's just wild. Like it comes from nothing. Literally just like a little egg and a little swimmer. It comes from like you barely even orgasmed. Just like it really is just like this crazy concept. It's crazy that we can do it in a petri dish. Also, this bug. This bug has been harassing me for two days now. This bug lives here now. You leave one banana out. This bug is an unpaid actor. Oh my God. On two hot takes. I hate it.

But yeah, I just bug pissed me off so much. I totally forgot what I was saying. You were saying, well, pregnancy is crazy. Yeah. Just like I just like my brain just like is like wild. Yeah. Also, like if a dude's going to leave you because you put on 10 pounds after you have their child, like leave. Yeah. Literally leave. No, I'm not fighting that battle. Nope. I've gained probably 35 pounds since I've met my boyfriend. Not one fucking word.

No. Not one word. I ordered a little stair stepper though and I'm going to order an elevated standing desk. I'm just going to work and stair step all day. Wait, that's cute. I'm excited. My husband told me because like, you know, before you get married, everyone puts all this pressure on you to be like the skinniest you've ever been. When like I've never been like, like I've always been curvy. And he was like, don't get freaky skinny before the wedding. Don't spray tan yourself orange. It looks stupid.

I love that, though. He loves you for you. I started working out more and he's like, don't get weird skinny. I love that. I'm like, I'll try not to, babe. It's not going to happen. Anyways, it's not possible. I'm like, that's amazing that you think I'm suddenly going to just lose 50 pounds this month. I love him. I love that for you. Thanks, babe. I told my boyfriend, I was like, okay, so I'm going to get a neck lift. And he goes,

No. He's like, I don't like the fake L.A. looking look. I like your double chin. And I'm like, I didn't. Would I love him? I know. I'm just like, no. I have my grandma's turkey neck. But also he wouldn't even tell if you got it done because he just loves me for you. Yeah. He doesn't. I don't like when he looks at me. I'm like, what do you see? Because what I see in the mirror is not what you see. Because it's like, okay. See you. Okay. Shave my pussy. Okay.

See, it is. I do have a safe place to fart and I did like once, but like he doesn't even like remember it. So I'm like, it doesn't, it doesn't. And I'm not telling girlies to just like be farting all fucking day in front of your man. Like it's disrespectful and like it does affect the like sexy vibes. Yeah. But it's like if it's an emergency, go into the other room or be like, I have a really bad stomach ache tonight and we're going on a journey. Yeah. And laugh about it later. I feel like it'll only bond you. I think it will.

Okay, one last one because I'm like, we got to get your ass to the airport. Oh yeah, what time is it? 2.22. Okay, we're good. Amazing. So this was posted on True Off My Chest and a lot of people are like getting wholesome feel-good vibes from it.

And I don't like, I'm still sitting here and I just don't know how to feel. Like. Controversial. Yeah. So it could be a wholesome ending to this fight or flight episode, or it could give some other people fight or flight vibes still. So I need help. Okay. It is titled, I, male 29, took the V card of a terminally ill 41 year old woman, and I can't stop thinking about her. What?

Yeah. How did this even come to fruition? I know. And I like when you hear it, it's like, well, it's kind of as a good deed, but like, yeah,

don't know. I'm so conflicted. Okay. So I am a bisexual male escort. By the way, my job is legal in my country. My customers are mostly gay men and middle-aged women. So she was in no way a surprise for me. So this woman wanted me to meet her at a hotel room. She specifically booked for us. I already knew a few things about her because of the messages she sent me, like her name, her age, and that she had never had a relationship. I

let alone that she had sex with anyone. When we met, we greeted each other and she had a huge smile on her face. The first rule with my customers is that we get to know each other before we do what we do. We talked for about half an hour and I found out that she had leukemia and was about to die.

She also told me that she has never found a boyfriend because of her looks. She was constantly called ugly and disgusting, and no boy wanted to be near her. And this bullying continued during her adulthood. She always was treated like some kind of weirdo. She just thought that she had to wait for the right one. But after so many years, she lost hope and accepted that she is supposed to be lonely.

And now that she's 41 and never had sex, she felt like she missed on the most beautiful things in life. Well...

Overrated. That is so intense. Like, I'm impressed he even got a boner.

The pressure. Yeah, like I would be like, just can we cry together? I would be bawling. I would be bawling in this situation. Yeah. No. And he literally does go on to say this. I almost teared up a bit, but I forced myself to stay professional. And get horny. And just listen to what she had to say. When she was done, we did what we did. And afterwards, she was smiling big and said she hasn't felt this good in years.

She asked me if I could lay down with her and cuddle. She said she'd pay more if I did that. And I said yes. She made her pay. Continue paying her leukemia money. He's like, yes, for $700. I'll let you touch me again. We laid down, turned on the TV, and she laid in my arms. What I assumed to be happy tears were rolling down her face as she snuggled closer to me and closed her eyes.

Aww.

Okay, that's really fucking cute. It's getting wholesome, right? She visited me two times before she died and called me every day. We became friends. I even attended her funeral. And it made me sad how few people were there. What the fuck? She was such a soft and kind-hearted human being. I can't stop thinking about her. She deserved so much better in life.

Okay.

I know. It leaves you, like, a little conflicted. This is my one thing, though. Okay. Losing your virginity is the worst experience of your life. It wasn't good. Like, when I lost it, I, like, joke that it's, like, there's just, like, blood everywhere. And he's like, did you come? And you're like, unless that's come, like, I don't know what happened. You were bleeding? Like, bleeding bleeding? I feel like a lot of people, when their hymen breaks, it bleeds. Wow. It hurts. My thing with her is...

I hope that it was a good experience. It sounds like it. I mean, she was smiling. Maybe her hymen was already broken.

You have 41. Like a lot of times, I mean, if you're a horseback rider, hymen can be broken. If you use tampons, hymen can be broken. Like a lot of people don't even have hymens. They have like partial hymen. I just feel like if you don't... I don't know. Sex is like so complicated for a woman to just like feel good. Yeah. So I hope that there was a lot of foreplay. I hope that he...

There were things going on besides just the act of sex. Because if I was like about to die, the last thing I want to do is be like, can someone take my virginity? Well, and if she's like, she's like terminal leukemia. Yeah. I mean, with cancer, you have fatigue. Yes. Like limited endurance. I love how I'm like, girl, don't have sex. Don't risk it all for a dick.

But it sounds like she had a beautiful experience. This guy knew how to take care of her. Yeah, it was very fulfilling. I guess also she didn't want to die without knowing what it felt like. Which I like get that. For sure. I think if there's, I mean, bucket lists exist for a reason. Like if I found out I was terminal, like I would, sorry, podcast would be gone and I would just be zipping all over doing shit. I'm just anal, anal, anal every night. See what it feels like.

I tried it again recently, and I don't know how I used to do it when I was younger. I just can't anymore. Do you leak? No. No.

I just, like, it just, like, wouldn't go in. And I'm, like, I tried stretchy. It just, like. You need, like, prep. It's, like, a whole thing. It is so much prep. I didn't realize, like, the porn stars, like, they do juice cleanses. And, like, guys that are bottoms, they give themselves enemas multiple times until the water comes out clean. And I'm, like, that's a lot of work. That is so much admin work.

So it's funny because for this woman, my first thing was like, ooh, Lizzie Virginie, is that like the best thing to do right before you die? But it sounds like it was beautiful.

experience for her. It's just for anyone young who's a virgin, like don't get excited. It's not going to be good. No, I lost my virginity. It was at my friend Allie's house in her basement. Her mom was a nurse or her mom was like always working. The mom was like, if you need me, if it bleeds too much, I'm here. Yeah. No, there's no blood surprisingly. But I just remember like

we were on the ground in like a bedroom down in her basement no furniture I think I put a pillow under my knee because I kept getting rug burn yeah wouldn't go in like didn't know what position awkward the lights were like these fluorescent like bar oh my god yeah but maybe that's how to do it like wait until you're 40 and then be like fine I'll let a guy go in me well maybe yeah maybe that is the way because then you're not like disappointed and you know what you like already yeah

I just feel so bad for her. Like her whole life, like you're 41 and you never felt like beautiful. Yeah. Everyone made you out to feel like this monster of a person. You're weirdo. Like people are so cruel. For sure. And I think it's cool of her to be like, this is what I want and I'm going to make it happen. And there should be no shame, no shame in like

getting a male prostitute if it's you want. Yeah. I mean, if it's legal and like safe, like go for it. I've always wondered like how the red light district in Amsterdam works. Yeah. Have you ever been? I've never been. I just want to like just do a little walk by and be like, no,

And like everyone, apparently it's not like a scary, weird thing. Like it's very just like a cool place. Well, and when you legalize stuff, like you offer more protections on both ends. For sure. And I just think normalizing women, like you don't have to just wait for like a man to choose you. Like if you want to be sexual, like watch porn, do whatever you need to do for you to have orgasms because orgasms are healthy and healthy people and happy people don't kill their husbands. Mm hmm.

That's a legally blind quote. It's very niche. Oh my God, yeah. Brooke Windham. She wouldn't do that. Brooke Windham! Yeah, it's little Brooke. I'm just getting liposuction. Oh God. I love that movie. I'm so... I have a friend who, Reese Witherspoon, like follows her on TikTok and I'm like, I'm so fucking jealous. Oh my God.

All you do every day on Hot Takes is like try to subliminal message Reese to follow you. I know. If you're out there, Reese, and you want to come on a podcast. If I have any celebrities that listen, you want to come on? Yeah. Let me know. Let me know. There probably are so many. I don't know. I don't know. I just, I got, you know, there's a couple of people that follow on TikTok. You can't tell though. You can't tell. You can't search. You can't search. Like, there's no way to know. We're just living this life. Fight or flight.

dangerous out here. Okay, so I think I'm going to rule that one as wholesome. I think I've let it sit with me a little more. And the fact he didn't charge her too, that was very nice. Yes. Very nice. And it's not like she was like,

really like dead during it no they still hung out a couple times yeah like she was still it would be weird if she was you know unconscious or anything yeah but she seemed like it was her last hurrah very mutual and hopefully she's have she's reborn into a life that sounds sexier

And fun for her. Less lonely. Yeah. The top comment on this one. Thank you for being a real person to her, not treating her as just another customer. Thank you for being who and what she needed at that time. Agreed. Amen. Yeah. The next comment. The universe took her life and you gave her happiness. Good for you. I teared up at this. Just beautiful. The only ugly people here were the people who mistreated her and called her names. Thank you for being so kind.

Yeah, fuck those people. I hope their pillow's warm. Assholes. I just can't imagine, like, we all have so many insecurities as it is. Like, making fun of someone and being mean to someone. Like, I love all of, like, the mean girl exposing TikToks that are coming out. And all these mean girls are, like, getting their asses clapped. And it's like, you fuckers deserve it. And, like, the mean girls are coming out with their own, like, response videos. And it's like, nah, fuck you. I can see through you. The peep girls being like, this girl tortured me all of high school. Yeah.

And I do really believe in karma. It's like if you can ever treat people how you want to be treated, because if you treat people like shit, it's going to come back to fucking bite you in your hairy pussy. Yeah, definitely will.

Well, thank you for coming on. Thank you so much for having me. This is so much fun. This is magical. I can't wait till you're out next. Oh my god. And congrats on everything. I feel like I've been following you since early on and you're such a badass and you're inspirational. Thank you. I felt like a really boring person the other day, so I appreciate that. You're not boring at all and you have a really incredible voice. Thank you. And you as well, Hannah. You're like...

If you guys want to know the most driven, hardworking person right here on the couch, like you literally recorded how many podcast episodes and are going to the airport after this for a red eye. Like you're nonstop buzzing about and I see all your tour dates. Like you are in every city all the time. Like you didn't you do like three shows one weekend?

I do just like have this thing where it's like maybe it's an insecurity, but I'm like the only thing I can control is how hard I work. But I'm now learning about saying no and taking breaks and that ultimately you're not your work is not who you are because it won't inevitably bring happiness. That's like what I've learned from this like crazy work stint. But I think it's because I've been in a place where I didn't have work. So I'm like actually enjoying the fact that I have gigs and I'm booked.

And then I'll get more of like a balance. I love that for you. It'll come. The balance comes. It works itself out. There's seasons in life. Some seasons fucking blow. Yep. And some are just bliss and the perfect balance. I'm riding some waves. And I know that ultimately, I can't wait to sleep. Have a good night.

Good nap ahead of me today. Oh, my God. Yeah, you got a flight you can take a nap on. Where can people find you? How can they come to your shows? Go to hannahburner.com. I have a show coming up in Vegas. I have shows coming up in, like, Oklahoma, Tempe, and I'll have stuff in Texas coming up. A lot of stuff. Follow me at Hannah Burner around, and Burning in Hell is my podcast, and also Giggly Squad is my more, like,

Talk shit podcast with my friend. I know. We gotta get Paige on here. You have to. Paige would love this. That would be so fun. The next time you both are out. She had to leave yesterday. Otherwise, I would have brought her. Oh my god. The next time you both are out. She's so opinionated. She would be great. Um.

I cannot wait for this. And we always have opposite opinions, so it's good. It's going to be war. That'll be the theme. War's on. War. We love a good little debate. Yeah. I'll find real controversial ones. We'll all get in trouble. I love your curation of all the assholes. The asshole queen. You just got to keep it interesting. We can't just pick the top stories. I love curating a good theme. Yeah. It makes it better. But that is all.

great Patreon content heading your way this month. So be sure to head over there. And Patreon is dropping a free feature. So be sure to check that out because I'm going to be posting one free story a month. Doesn't cost any money at all. So head over to Patreon for that. But thank you guys for being here. I love you all so much. And until next time, bye guys.