#473 - We Are Chimp Crazy
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Welcome back to the base- Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank stop biting your fingernails. Stop. Don't worry about my fingernails bitch. I'm not- Wear a fucking better hat. Are you giving me the middle finger? What are your fingers doing with it? No you want it though? I don't want it. Here you go bitch that's for you. I don't want it. Nice fucking hat loser. The hell is that? You're not- you know what you're wearing right? Okay you're fresh out the gish gift shop. Okay. Gish. Gish. You fucked up. You fucked up. Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! The rule of jokes is if you fuck up the

up the wording on a joke you automatically lose the joke I did that's the rule of jokes that's the rule of how it works with friends nice fucking ironic Brooklyn hat you're not beating those Brooklyn allegations this isn't Brooklyn you dumbass that's a giraffe stupid yeah but it's just how many fucking giraffes are in Brooklyn first of all that's not what I'm saying you dumb idiot dickhead

But like the way that like you just wear just like just like an innocuous object on your fucking hat and you're just like, oh, I'm so fucking. Whoa. He's so random, but also like making a statement at the same time. Like, fuck you. Okay. What are you saying? Who's your favorite baseball team? Cool. Time to grow up. Okay. You look like fucking you're going to me. Me. Me. Me. Time to grow up. Who fucking bought season tickets to the Rangers? Watch guys with fucking sticks. Whoopie.

You, bitch. You go and you wear jerseys all the time. Don't even lie and say you don't, bitch. One, I don't. Two, going to the game and dressing like little Tommy and going to the baseball game to get a Cracker Jack and a hot dog like you are right now is totally different. I know. I know you're not talking shit about Cracker Jacks and or hot dogs. Do you like Cracker Jacks? I don't mind Cracker Jacks. But like the way they became like an old timey staple, it was just like dry martinis beating your wife and Cracker Jacks. I don't like that.

I don't think it was an American table. It was like as American as apple pie, Cracker Jacks. And just give and marry one of these. I don't like Cracker Jacks to the point that I would put them in a song. Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks. You're making this baseball game sound like the worst place on the planet. Dude, anything with flavor would be nice. And whoever still eats like shelled peanuts...

I only do it at baseball games. At bars. Bars is the only place it's okay. Well, that's scumbag. If they have them at Big Barrels. You like going to the bar where you can just throw it on the ground. Hell yeah, I do. We've talked about this openly. I do like though, there was that one bar that we would go to in Astoria where it didn't have a scoop or anything. You had to scoop it with the bowl. And I just felt right. You know what I mean? But to put peanuts and Cracker Jacks in a song? Yeah. Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks? No, buy me a

Why only a hot dog? Hot dog, sausage and peppers. Garlic fries, sausage and peppers. Ice cream and a little helmet?

How about a fucking cotton candy? Oh, how about a beer? That's worth about $35. The reason they said buy me peanuts and Cracker Jacks is because when that song came out, those things cost $0.04 to get both of them. Now, peanuts, Cracker Jacks, running you $4 each. Frank, do you think a bag of Cracker Jacks at a baseball game is less than $4? No. Oh, more. I'm saying they're probably all $10. Google that. Google that. New York Yankees price of Cracker Jacks.

What are we doing? If you go to a... I'm just going to throw this out here. Big baseball fan. I know that baseball is loved across our country. If you go to a game and someone with you or yourself buys Cracker Jacks, do me a favor. Find the tallest part of the building and just sneak through the crack and go head first straight down. They're four bucks. Good job. Hey, wow. I thought it was definitely going to be more. If you're asking someone to pay $4 for...

More than $4 for caramelized popcorn. Also, bro, Cracker Jacks? Where's the cracker? Where is Jack? Who is Jack and why has he got all these crackers everywhere? And there is no cracker about. It is popcorn. It's caramelized popcorn. Just call it what it is. I think every now and then there's like a little like caramelized peanut in there or something. Is there? I don't like that shit. I don't. And then people were like, yo, now we're getting started on Cracker Jacks. We're starting. We're starting going. People were like, oh, I'm so excited for the prize. The prize? It was a paper. It was...

It came folded the way your taxes, your fucking W-2 comes folded, and you open it, and it's like fucking Bazooka Joe goes and fucking buys a baseball and a lollipop. Fuck you, Cracker Jack. Really had nothing to look forward to back then, I think. They had nothing. I cannot wait to get to the game. They had absolutely nothing to be happy about. Although I do like fortune cookies, which is similar, but way cooler. But fortune cookies because there's...

You know why? Because there's a mysticism to fortune cookies. You open a fortune cookie and you're like, this can... It's like horoscopes. It is so vague that this could be the most important thing to ever happen to me. Yeah, I also... Sometimes I read them and I'm like, can I read? Because I don't... I don't know if I'm... I can't understand what... Yeah, some of them are... They get a little too... Whoever's writing them is getting a little too cutesy that day. Yeah, it's like, oh, you might meet a friend from the past before. And I'm like, what the fuck?

What does it mean? Am I going to meet someone new or someone old? It doesn't make any sense. And it's just like, you wish you were there right here. And I was like, what? Yeah. It's like the wise owl does what the penguin says. I'm like, I don't even know how to piece that. That one actually kind of makes sense. Does it? Yeah. Because the wise owl does what the penguin says. Penguins are notoriously stupid. So like the wise owl. Why would the wise owl do something stupid? Because they follow. They're also different parts of the world. Because they follow what stupid people say sometimes. All of us are owls, babe. We're just looking to have a hoot.

Okay, you tried to save it and you kind of did at the end, but the middle part was very bad. There's a certain mysticism. Like, when you open a Cracker Jack, you're hoping your life gets changed. Yeah. Like, you're not... No one's opening... Wait, no. You're talking about a fortune cookie. I'm sorry. Fortune cookie, fortune cookie. That's what I said. When you open a fortune cookie, you're hoping your life gets changed. Yeah. When you open a bag of Cracker Jacks and there's this little fucking paper envelope, no one's excited anymore. The only thing I would be excited about is if there is a gun fully loaded at the bottom of his bag. Yeah. Because...

Because then I'm gonna shoot whoever bought me a bag of Cracker Jacks unironically. That was exciting when kids had to walk a fucking five miles uphill both ways to school. What a ridiculous thing. I love when our parents used to say shit like that. It's like, yo, you think you got it hard? I had to walk five miles to school. Dad. You sound like you were abused, Dad. Also, not my fault. Also, like...

Different school. Go to different ones. And also, the reason you're complaining about it is because that shouldn't have happened, and I am agreeing with you. That doesn't mean that's the way it was. It should be the same for you. I got hit. You deserve to get your ass beat. Fucking fortune. Yo, also, lucky numbers on the fortune cookies. That's massive. I mean, that's big for degenerate gamblers like you. Oh, I don't... Well, first of all, definitely not a degenerate gambler. Second of all, I don't really have...

I look at the lucky numbers and then I try to make them lucky in my life. Oh, like you make them like, oh my God, this is a cousin Nikki's birthday and I haven't talked to him in four years. The next number is four. Yeah, like I'll do that. Oh, I wonder if anyone has ever won. Do you have lucky numbers? No, I just have numbers.

I just, I mean, what could that possibly mean? Everyone just has numbers. Like what? A phone number? Everyone has numbers. Like I've played my numbers. What are those? You know, my birthday, you know, 30, Becca's birthday, the kids' birthdays. Is it anything outside of birthdays that you have a number? Nope. Uh, yeah. Eight.

8, 80, 85. Okay, so those are numbers. My football and baseball numbers. Yeah, but they're not lucky because I've played all of them in roulette, and I've never won. I have never, ever, ever won any amount of money in roulette, whether it be- You've never won a hand? Not a single spin. Wait, wait, wait, Frank. Not a single motherfucking spin. You've never put like $5 on a color and win? Nope. Nope.

Every time I've done that, I've lost. All right, we have to change that. I mean, I would like to, but at this point, doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for a different outcome is like the definition of insanity. And I'm not insane. Don't say that like you're saying a sentence because that's an expression that's well known. I know. That's what I'm saying. But you're saying it like you're saying it. Bro, when we did our shows, based on our experience, two shows, one I wrote, Atlantic City.

As Beck and I checked out of the hotel, which was incredible, by the way. I just want to throw this out there. I was like, you know what? We need to just gamble. We have all our luggage with us. And I was like, let's just put money on a color. That's it. Just something. Red or black? Red or black? I don't remember which color it was. It might have been red because I was like, oh, basically I read. Black. Black.

And I just, I just, I didn't even wait to see him pick up my, my chips. I just fucking grabbed my shit and walked the opposite way. I've never won. So that's why when you say you have lucky numbers, I say, no, I just have numbers. None of them are lucky. I've never won anything. Okay. Have you? No. But like, if I had to, I don't know, like, yeah, I don't know. You have numbers. I just, I guess I just like. You have your number 25. 25. Oh, my birthday. You have 22. Cause you were a big Clyde the glide fan. Yeah.

That's crazy. That was why you said you loved the number 22. I did like Clyde Drexler a lot. That was why you said you wanted... Ask me how many Clyde Drexler games I've watched live. The answer is not one. It's not greater than one either. I remember when you told me that, I was just like, wow, he knows a lot about basketball. I'm completely understanding that now you got that from your dad or you found... My dad. Oh, no. Oh, your dad would never watch basketball. No.

I don't really know if my dad really watched that much sports growing up, to be honest. He would watch football, but he claims to be a Dolphins fan? Mad random. I mean, everyone that was alive in the 70s was a Dolphins fan. Yeah, because of Dan Marino. When you're born in a certain decade, there's really like a handful of teams you could like. How many people do you know that are Cowboys and Yankee fans? You know what I mean?

I know. Steelers. People born in the 80s, Steelers fans. Or is that the 70s? I don't. You're missing. I don't know. I have no idea. You know what I mean. Yeah, but I haven't had a fortune cookie in a very long time. I enjoy them, actually. I had one the other day. I don't remember my fortune. Did you eat the cookie? I ate the cookie. You ever make fortune cookies? I've made them once.

What are they? I don't even know what they are. I don't either. They're like a dough. They must be, right? They're like a dough and it's like a special fortune cookie press. Yeah, a press. It's like, it looks like a panini maker almost. And you like put the dough in there and you push down and it shapes it into a cookie. Wait, how do you press down on something and make it 3D? I don't remember. What the fuck are you talking about? How is that possible? I remember. I remember. What was that?

You clearly don't. You have nothing else to say. So you take dough. Yep. You press. Yep. Like you're making a waffle. Yep. But then a 3D thing pops up. Yep. Are you seeing how I'm having trouble? I do. I do. I do. Because it's not. And I'll be honest with you. I don't care to figure this out right now. I thought it was like some sort of fold. It could be. It looks like origami a little bit. Maybe. Yeah. And how does a paper get in there?

Wait, what the hell are fortune cookies? Wait, how the fuck do they get it in there? I don't know. Because you can't slip it out. Because I did make them. This is a true story. I did make them. But now it's so far back in my memory that I don't remember any of this stuff. Wait, how do they get it in the cookie? They've got to like shove it in there. Because you're telling me there's a person with every single fortune cookie in the world who's manually going like this? I imagine they're just shoving it in the cookie. Dude, no way. This is a crazy thing. How do they get the paper in the cookie?

How do you get the paper? And is it even considered a cookie or is it more of a cracker? Is it a fortune? It's crackery. It's crackery, right? Thank you so much. It's cracker, Jack. I'd like to be hit. The paper or fortune gets inside a fortune cookie by folding it in while the cookie is still warm and malleable.

Oh, so they let it cool. They're baked as flat circles. While the cookies are still warm, steel prongs push the paper fortunes into the cookie while they're still folded into the butterfly shape. Oh. As they harden, they turn to the shape. Okay. Honestly, we probably could have gotten there if we had just put a little bit of thought into it. Ah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

So, okay. So here's how you do it. You just explained it. You don't need to re-explain it. I'm doing it for people. Also, you clearly don't know because you don't remember even though you did it. Okay. You press it down flat. Yes. And then you have circle. Yep. And then you make taco.

Right? You make taco. And then you bring the other side on the other side. Yeah, yeah. I remember that. And then you put the paper in and then you... You don't. I don't remember that, but I remember that. You know what I mean? Did you guys put fortunes in them? Yeah, but they were like... We did it for like... It was during college when I was an RA or an RD, one of those years. And we did it like it was like a program. So like the fortune was just like, don't forget to register for fall classes. You made fortune cookies for college students? God. It might have been around like Chinese New Year.

And like, we just completely took that for our own.

And just put in like, you are the year of the dragon. Wow. Aren't we something? Yeah, we are. We've talked about this numerous times. We are the year of the monkey. It was a big thing when we were in elementary school. Year of the monkey. Do you remember when we had, it was like Chinese New Year and Tiffany Wynn brought in, first and last, brought in a bunch of the red envelopes for all of us? Yeah, I do. I love that. And there was gold coins in it. I also don't think she was, I think she was Korean.

Listen, she was clearly Asian. She did it. And she brought the stuff in. She did it. I had the gold coins and I ate them. That's right. Worst chocolate ever, by the way. Worst chocolate. I don't hate coin chocolate. Disgusting. I don't mind it at all. The worst chocolate is the hollow Easter bunny chocolate. That's not chocolate, brother. That's just cardboard. I don't like it. That's cardboard dipped in chocolate. You want to know what's classic and low-key? No. You're going to hear it. Hershey bars.

And like not really talked about or hyped. Listen, if we're going just regular milk chocolate bars. I know where you're going. Lint is number one. Lint and Cadbury, they make great chocolate. Lint is number one. Lint, Cadbury, and Hershey. Hershey, it's too plain. Like it just feels like I'm just having like, it feels like I'm having just plain chocolate.

There's like a velvety silkiness elegance to it. I feel richer. I feel... When I'm eating a lint... You heard that? You're richer. I am rich in many things. Love, happiness, friendship, family. Pure bottom line dollar sign. No, no. But...

Just looking up at your face. But yeah, I agree with you because whenever I eat lint, it does feel like I put a slipper on my tongue. Oh, yo.

yo, that is the best. It's like warm. Like I slid into like velvet slippers. In a hotel. In a hotel and I'm just walking around on like padded carpet. Yeah, you know, I feel like that chocolate when you eat it, it gets warm. It feels like it gets warm and cold at the same time somehow and it feels like the Pokemon move surf is in my mouth. You know what I'm talking about? Like there's just like a wave of chocolate. You always have to take it to a step that I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? You don't remember the

I know first gen. I only know first gen. It's in first gen, bitch. Wait, what'd you say? Surf.

I thought you said Yousurf. Surf. Just surf. Oh, the move you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. You can then ride Lapras along to Cinnabar Island. Correct. Or you use it during a match, and it's just a wave of water across the whole screen. You can't miss. Right. And I thought you were naming a Pokemon that was named Yousurf. No, no, no. I don't know. Believe it or not, the newer gen of Pokemon, Joe, there's a lot I don't know.

You know, it's hard. It's hard to keep up with so many. There's over 700 now. Do you know 700 of anything besides slurs? 700 slurs. No way there's that many. They're out there. I'd say Google it, but you're... How many slurs exist? They're out there somewhere. Dude, I mean, that would be a crazy jump for all the things that I've been Googling. Also, I've been heavy on the Google lately with weird shit, so I'm just not... Oh, what else are you Googling? I mean, I'm... I was scrolling through like...

That's scrolling? What the hell is that? I don't know. What the fuck? This is scrolling. No, not on my phone. I was like on like my Apple TV and I'm like looking at shit and I saw like the, have you seen the Chimp Crazy thing?

The lady. I've heard of it. I haven't watched it yet, though. I haven't watched it either, but I read the little... How you doing? The blurb. The bio. Blurb it up. And I was like, okay. So I started just getting a little precursor before I watch it. Oh, you're edging yourself. A little foreplay before you watch it? A little four. A little one, two, three, four play. And it's very interesting what people do with animals, to be honest with you. This woman...

Loved this money pretty much you love your fucking dog people love animals. There's yeah out of control Sarah McLaughlin taught us That's the right thing to do she breastfed the monkey though. So wait, that's different. She Breastfed yeah a monkey. Mm-hmm. What else was she gonna do monkey needed to eat? I can Monkey I can name bananas. Where are you? Oh, yeah

What the hell? Yeah, but they eat all this shit. Apparently, they suck tits. Well, they did that day, apparently. I mean, that's not that abnormal. That's not crazy. What? That's against the law. Oh, really? To have an animal suck your stuff? Why? We're drinking cow's milk. Bestiality is why. Is that bestiality? Yes, it is. I don't think it's bestiality to let a monkey suck on your tits. Frankie, that is... Frank. I think bestiality is when you suck on a monkey's tits or balls.

We've seen monkey dicks. I don't know if I've seen them. We can confirm we've seen monkey dicks. Where the hell are their balls, dude? It might be one of those things where they're indoors and then like only this stuff comes out. I mean, this is in Florida. You could have a pool outside. Let your balls fucking fly in the wind. And not without it being surrounded by a fence. Oh yeah, because of alligators. So maybe the apes don't have balls because of alligators. That could be. That could be. It's for protection. Wait, no, seriously. Look up the definition of bestiality.

Are you saying bish? Beastiality. Beastiality. Beastiality. It's not beast? Well, yeah, but I'm, you know, I'm saying things in a way that I don't need to confine to your fucking laws, sir. So, incorrectly? Cool. What else you got? Okay. Fungi? Beastiality. It's actually fungi, but...

I can't believe I just fell for that where I typed that in because the first three links are porn. Yeah, I figured that. I'm trying to look for a definition. Why didn't you write in definition? Why didn't you just type the word bestiality? That's a good question that I don't have an answer for. I think that was a subconscious way your brain wanted to find that. By the way, this already demonetized, so just let her fly. Oh, because it's not called that anymore. What the hell is it called? Guess. It's a philia.

Beastophilia. All right, hold on. Let me fucking get animophilia. That sounds like you love enemas. Anima. I know. No, it's... Wait, wait. What's their proper... What's the Latin word for beast? No, for monkeys. Oh, no. We're talking all beasts. What is it? What is it when you... Zoophilia. Zoo. It just says zoophilia. That's stupid. I mean, I'll be honest. From the definition of that, who doesn't have zoophilia? I love zoos. They're great places.

I do like a zoo. Philia is horny, though. Philia is one of the Greek words for love. It's not necessarily horny. Yeah, but a horny love. No, I think it's like a brotherly love. That's why Philadelphia is called the city of brotherly love. I'm serious. Frank. Joey, there's different. What is Delphia? Delphia? Wait, now you got me. Phil. I don't. Well, because I know there's Philia.

Why are you saying that in that accent? Because it's Greek. It's Greek. There's agape. There's eros. There's different types of love. There's familial love, love between lovers. Before we get confused with all of the Latin and Greek that we're mixing in, bad. Okay. Bestiality, zoophilia. Yeah, let's make sure we make that very clear. All the philias. Well, ophilia is fine. If I ever met someone named Ophilia, I'd lose my mind. But it's...

When a person experiences a sexual fixation on non-human animals. Yes. Is breastfeeding an animal because they need to survive considered that?

It's not sexual. It is purely survival-based. I think that you have a case, but ultimately, I think the jury will rule guilty. I don't know. I don't know. If this animal is on... If a fucking chimp walks in here right now and it's on its deathbed... First of all, if a chimp walked in here right now, dude... I'm so pumped, dude. What? I'm terrified. Oh, really? Why? Well...

I don't know which one is a chimp. What if he's wearing like those old timey Yankee hats that are white with the blue stripes? That I like a lot. You know what I'm talking about? Animals in human clothes is better than anything. Have you watched Nope by Jordan Peele yet? I have not. Okay. Maybe you should watch it before we continue this conversation. Why? There's some stuff in that movie. Oh.

But I guess that's a valid question that this woman had to probably answer several times in her life. So if you're getting a chimp. She had to answer several times? I mean, if she's sitting there letting fucking chimps suck on her nips. Yeah. She was a nurse. She was a former nurse turned exonimal. Exonimal.

Exotic animal. That sounds pretty sick. I'm going to be honest. She's kind of making it sound pretty sick. I mean, you got Dolly Parton, famous for having big boobs.

And now we're talking about breastfeeding. This woman that's letting the chimps suck on her nipples, she's got knockers? I don't know, but I assume she's not gonna just pull Dolly out of nowhere if there's not someone. Yeah, you know what you're doing when you're calling yourself Dolly Parton. Unless she's singing to them, too. They're fucking sucking on her and she's like, Jolene! Jolene! What was her name? Oh, her name is Tanya Haddix. Haddix with an X? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa, she's yeah, she's she's built like a brick city. She She could she definitely could breastfeed a champ wait and his boys and his boys the chip go back to his crew just like Yo guys, there's an endless amount But you want to hear something crazy you have no they hold up their feet too because they also look like hands like yo You guys have no idea

What's going on in there? Well, obviously, she's lactating, so she had a baby. So she had a real baby, too. She was double-titting. So a chimp or a human baby. Imagine being the child. You're fucked for life, dude. Yeah, like you shared your tit with me. I couldn't even get it by myself. I get uncomfortable sharing a sauna with people. Imagine if I was sharing my mom's boob with a fucking animal. That's bananas, dude.

That's a banana sentence. But apparently, so she had the animals, right? The monkeys. What kind of monkeys? Just chimps or did she get another cool monkeys in there? Well, I mean, it said that she was an exotic animal broker. Gigantopithecus? Again, you're saying it again and I know it's a monkey, but I don't know what they look like. They're extinct. Oh, they're stinked?

So PETA got involved because there was like an alleged animal welfare abuses going on? I mean, yeah, they sound like they're having the swell- swellfare. So they were looking for all the chimps and they took all of them, but one was missing. What'd you say? I said the concern about their welfare. I was like, it was swellfare. Jeez. PETA, throw the heat- Monkey's like, we're good. You know how many mink coats he has, dude?

Mink? Coats. He's got, so we'll get those buckets of fucking paint ready, baby. So there was a monkey named Tanka. Tanka? But she told them that he died. Oh, but he was like- But he was alive. He was alive. She probably hit him under her tits. Yeah. That's basically what happened. He was alive and living in a cage in her basement. Oh, that's not nice. That's sad. Unless it was a nice basement.

The cage is the problem, not necessarily just the basement. Let's be honest about something. There are pretty sick basements out there. Are you going to get him his own bed? Are you going to get him a room? You know, I think that would be the courteous thing to do. I think don't have it.

What's worse, being in a dingy basement in a cage or being in a nice basement in a cage? The dingy. You're probably right. I'd rather be in a nice furnished basement. Maybe there's a TV. Yeah, but you can't use it. It's there, but you can't use it. I'd rather imagine a TV on a wall. I'm also not a chimp. You'd rather imagine a TV than see it and know I can't use it? All right, Frank. We do have some sponsors for today, and maybe we'll get to something we planned on talking about today.

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Anyway, back to this woman who's... Well, before we get to some titty-sucking ladies... Monkeys, actually. Titty-sucking ladies. Titty-sucking monkeys. Titty-sucking monkeys.

I want to tell you about something that may feel euphoric like titty sucking and that's Patreon. Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. Thank you guys so much. Continuing to grow, continuing to move in the right direction and it's because of people like you. We're actually in conversation with Joe and Daddy Greg. We've been talking about different things that we could do to

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kind of nuts if I'm being honest. So that's where the first, I think that's where we first talked about a giant Gantt's pithicus, which that sounds nuts. That right there is enough to want to get people to watch. So go check it out right now. Patreon.com slash the basement yard. Thank you guys. We're creeping towards 33,000 and we're going to keep trying to get there and give you guys more of what you love, which is us talking about chimps sucking titties. Joe back to these big tits. I just, I think there is a case if I'm a lawyer,

Okay. Yeah. I went to law school. Thanks for pointing that out. I assumed if you're a lawyer. I think that there is a case to be made that this is not considered any form of bestiality or zoophilia because it wasn't done sexually. She did it to... Maternally. Maternally. But still, Eliex. Is it? You can't have... Having them might be bad. Yeah, crime. But what if you find one in the wild?

You can't stumble upon monkeys. Yes, you can, dude. People do it all the time. I mean, yeah. I guess they do. Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah. So like you're stumbling about. That's what I would do. I'll be honest. You could have spider monkeys. I don't know if that's the right word. Yeah, I think that's a racist term. What? No, I'm kidding. You scared the shit out of me. I think if I was a woman and I had giant bean bags. Right. And I was walking in the jungle.

And I saw monkeys. My first line of defense is just dump my tits out. Defense? Well, just so they don't attack me. Oh, so you're preemptively dumping. I would think boobs are the universal language. Okay. So like, yeah, like it's, it's supper's ready is what you're saying. I mean, there are, if you believe in evolution, which I know you say you don't, they are our closest animal relatives. Right. So they'll immediately understand when they see tits. Right. They'll go. Everyone gets that.

Everyone knows what a nipple is. That's what I'm saying. They know you're supposed to suck. So like, you know, like instead, like we're as men, we're like, yo, like don't bother us. We throw our hands up. They immediately want to fight us. Right. You're going to dump them out. Dump them out. Okay. Not a bad move. Well, that's an interesting life that you would live. I'm glad that you're not a woman. If you were to suck on the nipple of any animal, what would it be? I don't understand. You want to derail our career. You want this podcast to go to shit.

Or you want to have an extensive conversation about bish. I'm not saying for sexual gratification. Like, say you're in the desert. I'm going to paint a picture, all right? Close your eyes. Nipples everywhere. Okay. Wait, am I in the desert? You're in the desert. That's why you should probably start with that. Close your eyes again. Okay, they're closed. You're in the desert. Correct.

And you are starving, you are dehydrated, they're- Famished. Yes, exactly. You are famished. Frank, if you throw something at me, I'll kill you. God damn it. You are- Oh, there goes Prank! Prank! Prank! Prank at it again. Almost pranked you. That was gonna get you good. Alright, but you don't need to close your eyes. But, like, you're famished. You're dehydrated.

And like you're clinging on to life and you need to suck on the nipples of an animal. Which ones would save me? In this disaster scenario. Maybe a cow. Does that count? Yeah. I would say a cow's fine. Those are tits. Technically it's tit with four nipples. Wait, what? It's one big tit. Is it? So wait, these are udders. Yep. What's that? I think that's the upper udder.

I think you have the upper udder, middle udder, lower udder. And those are... Those, I think, are the nippies. No, these are udders. No, I think the whole thing is the udder. And then... All the pink. That's like... Like, for instance, your whole... Your whole...

Your whole boob is your boob, but then you have different parts of the boob. You should have nipple. The nipple. Areola. Areola. Oh, so maybe that's the areola of the cow? Well, you should probably look it up now. Honestly, at this point, you're getting a knock on your door from the FBI tonight. I don't even know what to type in. What's the big circle? What is the... What's the half circle? What are the parts of the udders? What's the pink half circle next to the udders? No, no, no. Just say parts of an udder. Parts of an udder. Parts of an udder? Parts of an udder. Just look it up. Go, go, go.

There's different parts, right? I mean, they're talking about tissue here. I don't want to know tissue. I just want to know, like, is there, like, a diagram? I just want... Is there a diagram? Uh, I'm on images now. Whoa, something's wrong with that. Cow. That's crazy, bro. Uh, that's a full bag, I would say. A full bag of... Um... A full bag of... Oh! Hmm. All right, what are we talking here? Teat. Teat.

Teeth. That makes sense. You suck on the teet. That's the little penis part of the udder. But the whole thing is the ud, I think. The whole thing is the udder. So the whole house is a home, and there are different rooms, and one of those rooms has teets. Gotcha. Well, the teet is a teet. It's just a teet. We're moving somewhere. Yeah, I think we're there. We're in the right direction. That's interesting. So udder is more, oh, wait. I don't know. Frogs and toads.

No. Frogs and toads. Wrong. No, it is not wrong. Jeez. When was the last time you milked a cow? Preschool. With me? Yeah. Kind of wild to be letting preschool kids milk, right? Dude, they were nuts back then. They were telling us about horses that'll remember us forever and shit like that. What? You don't remember that? I was in pre-K. I was screaming.

No, I don't remember. First of all, you were four. I was four. It was fall of 1996. It's where you and I first met. Okay. I still vividly remember what I wore that day and the Goosebumps lunch box that I had. So don't fucking talk shit. Okay. We went to the zoo and they were like, this is a horse. Horses have such great memory that if you were to come back in 20 years, they'll remember you.

And it fucked my whole day until I got a bag of cheese duels or something. Yeah. For real. We'll handle that real quick. Yeah. But like, I don't know. Apparently horses and elephants just have great memories. I know the elephant thing, but horses, I didn't know they like remember everything too. Dude, when we were in New York, I had to like tell Becca, like you need to chill. When we were in New York? Yeah. When we were in New York for Radio City, Becca and I stayed overnight. We stayed in the hotel.

And Wednesday morning we woke up, we went for a nice walk in Central Park. Was it a zoo? No. But I had to, I had to like stop her because she's like, I'm going to say hi to every horse that is here. It's like, you probably shouldn't. We don't have all day. Right. Fucking dozen horses. And she's talking to them like, oh, this one's sad. Dude, I'll be honest with you. Those horses in Central Park.

Break my little heart you too. Yeah, you're a little heart boy. I Animals get me so easily. It's insane. Okay. I don't whatever heartless pig No, I care but like these I'm sure like it is so heavily regulated now that like it isn't it's actually an issue actually really Yeah, like people like hate that those they let the horses do that Oh, then maybe I should feel sad about it ask and say it again. Say how you feel. How do you feel about the horses? I

Nice. We all believe you. Yeah. No, honestly, I assumed. There was one year we like went to Central Park. Maybe it was like the tree. I don't know. But like my sister's walking on the sidewalk and she's just yelling about these fucking horses out loud. And it's like, I was like, Shen, shut the fuck up because there's a poor woman

little Swedish, old Swedish couple in the back thinking they're getting the New York experience. And Shannon's like, no, this thing hurts them. They're gonna die. And I'm like, Shannon. I mean, she's not wrong. All right, but like. But also the Swedish people probably don't speak much English. Fair. They're not thinking about it. They're paying their $60 to go two blocks on a horse in New York City and they're having the time of their lives. Wild how much that shit costs. I've never done it. Have you? Well,

I almost did when Becca and I were here and I heard the guy, he was like, the first half mile is $40. And I was like, get the fuck out of here. Half mile? For $40? I better be riding this thing my fucking self. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? You know, who do you think I am? Who do you think I am? Joe Sanagato? Yeah. Come on.

If I'm paying $40, I better be able to hi-yah that thing. You know what I mean? If you give me... I want a wheel to fall off and let's get real interesting around here. Oh, no. That's scary, dude. I know. That's some fucking danger. Well, you're talking about the chariot part of it. I want to be sitting on the horse and bucking through. Holding on to his mane. I want to hear that... I'll ride the horse just to hear the clip-clop. I'll be honest with you. You don't even have to ride it to hear that. I know, but it feels cooler when you're riding because I'm like, I'm doing that. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. I'm big on the fucking changing the horseshoes on like videos. I love it. Oh, the one that's just like, the guy's just like, we're going to file this down. Oh no, there's a little bit of liquid. We're going to cut around it. And it just like farts it out. And it's like, there's like this liquid just coming out. Like, oh, it's pus. You have fully ruined it. Fully ruined it. I mean, it's an infection. It's pus. But you don't need to call it that. You can just call it like there's liquid. Cream.

That's way worse! I don't know how to make you comfortable. If this is the real world, horses get a little bit of cream in their feet. Alright? That's what happens. Sorry, Peter Pan. Time to grow up. Horses got infections. I'm grown up. And they fix them. I'm grown up. I'm grown up. I'm not the one here wearing a fucking cool giraffe on my hat. Giraffes are awesome. I know. That's why I said cool.

That's why I said cool. You ever see them drink water? They're stupid-ass fucking bow legs. I hate- I love it. If I ever saw that in the wild, I'm throwing a rock at one of their legs. When they- Just letting you know. Just letting you know. Just letting you know, dude. They really, like, I don't know how to get- Like, get on a knee. They look like- Like, you ever seen a cartoon when, like, a very large person sits in a chair and all the legs bow out? Yeah. That's what they look like. Dude, that's so funny. They're like- That's funny. I love giraffes. Bro, if you go to the Bronx Zoo-

You can go feed them and they'll come up to your fucking face. Dude, I would let a giraffe lick my face. We grew up like it's so funny looking back on when we grew up and just be like, how was this allowed when we grew up? Do you remember if you'd go to Six Flags and they had like the like safari you could drive through? Bring a can of Coke and you can drive through a safari one plus like one person for free.

And the giraffes would just put their head in your window, dude. I want that to happen to me so bad. Yeah, until they lick your ear off, dude. Those tongues are meant for industrial-grade sucking. You think that they're going to fucking let your ear go? I don't love the color. Yeah, if your tongue is gray... It's like a purpley gray. It's like a weird old woman's vein. Yeah. That one. Like my grandma's leg.

Oh, yeah. Like a vein. Oh, my God. Your grandma's legs are disgusting. Yeah. I mean, yours were worse. Well, hers were inflamed. At least you didn't see the veins like your fucking translucent grandmother's legs. Okay. You want to talk about legs on grandmothers? Because we can go there. Grandma's legs were all scratched up from the cat. You think I forgot about that? No. I hope you didn't because it's something I unfortunately have to remember as well.

What to title this? I have no idea, dude. It's crazy. We do have some sponsors here that we're going to close out the show. That are never coming back. That are never coming back. So...

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Really interesting play out there if you want to go see I don't know when wicked comes out. Do you know I think it's next week as a Recording Ariana Grande is hosting SNL this week. Oh, that's right. Yeah, so I think it's next week it comes out So this is not like wicked at all apparently, but it is wicked. I heard about apparently I heard There's a Show that I don't it's an opera show. I

Oh, which I don't know. You know, if I don't understand that, I don't care. And I can't understand certain like loud singing. Why is opera a different like it's just louder singing and like longer singing to like. Yeah, I I you know me. I support. I support. I support. I support. But opera.

That's too much. People are just being annoying and being like, oh, all right, this is good. It's too much. They can sing great. Yeah, they sound amazing. But I would like to be outside in Italy if I'm going to hear it. But the acoustics, brother. The acoustics. They're not acoustic. What's it called? No. Surround sound. No, I think the opera, like we've peaked with like musical theater. Stop it there.

Anything louder and longer and deeper and just more intense like opera, don't need it, bro. Yeah, I mean, I don't know how much singing is in this either, but the headline for this article says, explicit lesbian scenes at the opera leaves 18 audience members needing medical treatment. I saw this. And I don't know about you, but I am bought in.

Oh, you're fully in. Well, I mean, there's a opera show that's putting people in the hospital. Of course you would, you freak. What? You would. You go to the places like The Box. And of course, if you hear that there's something that it, because I saw this article and it was like, it includes real blood. It includes fake blood, which just do it all fake blood. Don't need to go the step further. How is it legal to be bloody at work? You tell me. It's fake. You go to, is it? Yes. Is it? Yes. Is it?

Asking again is not going to change my ants. Have you seen the clip from that movie Megalopolis? What is that? Francis Ford Coppola. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's got in a little bit of hot water. There's some stuff which we're not going to talk about. But he like sold some of his winery in order to like self-fund this movie. And it's apparently just an absolute just –

disaster of a movie and there's one part where fucking the girl from uh uh natalie emmanuel i think is her name she's from game of thrones where he's like you're entitled and she's like entitled yes entitled yes entitled yes you took us on that ride for that and then he says like i want to talk about art and signs of people so if you don't want to go back to the club

What is this? It's fucking, John Voight has a boner and shoots Shia LaBeouf in the ass. It's crazy. John Voight and Shia LaBeouf are in it? And Aubrey Plaza. Is it a comedy? It's not supposed to be. It will be. But this one, this is the article that says, A Night at the Opera is usually quite the classy affair, but this cast of naked roller skating nuns.

I will say this. That sounds fire. That sounds pretty cool. Naked roller skating nuns. Roller skating nuns alone is hilarious. That's really cool. Honestly, I'm not against nuns. I'm fine with nuns. I'm fine with nuns. Naked nuns. The naked nuns that seems like they're not really nuns. That's Halloween, babe. It feels like that's a mistake. Yeah, that's a mistake.

Feels like you can't be a nun and make that's what we call Halloween is sexy nun. Yeah, letty slutty woman of the fucking Yeah, Coventry or whatever. It's called any way that you kind of pair these three words It's kind of cool roller skating nuns cool naked roller skating cool Yeah, I mean yeah, but you got to be careful if you're a man and you're gonna be very scary You need a you when you fall you need it. Yeah crawl race

But this cast of naked roller skating nuns have managed to turn that on its head with their eye-popping performance that left 18 people in the audience needing medical treatment. Throw in a few explicit lesbian sex scenes and some real blood alongside the scantily clad sisters of the church and you have yourself a recipe for quite the thrilling night in the theater.

Why are people going to the hospital? Is it too lesbian? It's too... It might be... It might be too lesbian. The lesbians might be trying to kill us, honestly. That's what they're doing. Are they lesbian roller skating naked nuns? I mean, that just sounds like a Quentin Tarantino movie, if you're asking me. And it doesn't sound like one I wouldn't watch. It doesn't sound like a Quentin Tarantino movie? You know what I'm saying? If it was Quentin Tarantino, I'd be like, naked roller skating nuns with perfect feet. With perfect feet that all say the N-word. It's like, chill out, Quentin.

We get it, okay? We know it's set in a certain time. You don't need to really drive it home. That's so true. He loves putting the N-word in the movie. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does. He does.

I think it is, but apparently people are very sensitive to that shit. If you're going to the opera, you probably are sensitive. Bro, that dude on TikTok, we spoke about it at one of the shows, Dalton. Yeah. He just looks at pictures of stuff and he's throwing up. That's fair. I don't know. Listen, I've seen... I'm not proud of this. I have seen... Two curls, one cup. Do his accent. Oh, man.

This guy... It'll be like... You know... Gelatinized beans and hot dogs... Covered in like a gray gravy... And he's like... Oh, what the fuck? That's fucking nasty! I hate beans! And listen... I support you... I love that... Dalton... But like...

He also just sees like octopus. Octopus has never made me throw up because I love octopus. I mean, if it's surrounded by other shit. It's like stuffed in a chicken. Yeah, that's a little crazy to me. It doesn't sound crazy. It sounds delicious. The lesbians, so this is what they're trying to do. They know it's the lesbians. The lesbian naked roller skating nuns. It's you roller skating. That are bleeding all over the place. Church going lesbians in your blood.

They're bleeding all over the place. They're trying to kill the men, the straight men that they know are going to these shows. It is a conspiracy. We will get to the bottom of it. We will get to the bottom of these naked roller skating bleeding nuns. Those who had a physical reaction to the chaos unfolding in front of them were sat in the rows near the stage, according to a spokesperson, who added that they would have known what they are getting themselves in for.

Interesting. I'll be honest with you. If you hear naked roller skating bleeding nuns on the poster... You wear a poncho if you're going to be in the front row. You kind of... You know there's a splash zone. You know, yeah, exactly. This isn't, you know, a fucking Rocky Horror Picture Show. There's going to be some shit going on. I'll be honest with you, dude. We may have to take a field trip. Where is it? I don't know. I feel like this feels European.

There's two women. They love nudity over there. They do. But there's two women and nuns. There's two women dressed as like construction workers and they're holding like a pipe and the pipe has a bunch of like, uh, I guess ropes or whatever. And there's a woman laying in those ropes being carried across the stage. This sounds about right. Like, I'm just, this sounds like I'll be really honest with you. If you had told me in like 10 minutes, like, by the way, I have seen this live. I'd be like, yeah, this sounds like your show.

It's people like you. Here it is. The story of a nun who discovers her sexuality. Okay. Okay. Which ends up sending the entire nunnery into a hub of sexual frenzy. So she was probably just like, yo, you guys ever seen a penis? And then there's blood. Well, they're lesbians, so they don't care about penises. That's fair. They care about each other's, you know, holy Bibles. Open up to chapter 69. I'll be honest.

What the fuck? Nuns discovering sexuality. Where does roller skating come into this? That's the least sexy activity I could think of. Yeah. That's not great. There's an actress with dwarfism who levitates in the air before being spun around by a robotic arm. And another dressed up as Jesus bailing out some of Eminem's tracks. Wait, like the rapper Marshall Mathers?

There's an actress with dwarfism who levitates in the air before being spun around by a robotic arm. Yeah. And another one dressed up as Jesus belting out Eminem songs. Yeah, okay. I have to see this now. Where does it say it's playing? I don't know. I don't know, man, but I'm scared. Oh, oh, no, that's not. That's the name of the... Where is this? I don't know. Sorry. Can't do it. I would like to go, though. That sounds interesting. Ooh!

Sorry, I was stretching. Is that how you stretch? You do that sometimes. God, where is this fucking thing? Oh, Shreya. Oh, yeah, that sounds about right. This sucks. Who wrote this? I don't know. Any descendants? Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. There's a picture. Uh-oh. Of the...

Of the naked nuns On the roller skates Of the No of the actress With dwarfism Being spun around By a robotic arm Alright you can't And they are Definitely being spun around By the robotic arm Well I would imagine That the reason That they're upside down Is because they're being spun They are Yes and they're Come on This is just bananas Um

That's all we got for that. I mean, what else do you need there? You know what I'm saying, folks? Yeah. I would go see it. I'm not going to travel for it. But if it was like down there. If you just happened to be in Austria. Or if it came to New York and they just wanted to put on a good show. We don't know. New York would get worse with it. The bleeding will because they let like fucking rats nipple on their fucking nipples or something. Back at nipples.

We went back full That's a callback baby That's That is comedy folks That is a callback Callback And now we're gonna have to name this Something about nipples Which I'm not gonna do No Not that we're making a dollar off of this video The name can just be We're chimp crazy We're chimp crazy Yeah

Just two chimp crazy kind of guys. Just... Well, now I'm talking like fucking Costco guys. Yeah, now you're talking like... Yeah, why you got to bring it back to him? Well, guys go, guys. Double chug chug a googie. I'll be honest with you. Every 30 minutes, I say it. The chicken bake looks good. Yeah, it does. It does. I saw someone on TikTok make a homemade one, and I was like, that shit looks good. It does. It doesn't look bad. There's like cheese in it, right? I believe there is some cheese. I like that you said that. Um...

Anyway, Frank, where can they find you? You know you do that a lot. No, well, that you do, too. What? Like, when at the end, you just, like, slur your words into being... What are you doing with your fingers again?

If you're an audio only listener, Joe is confused because he's asking me to finger him. I am not. Frank is, I don't know. It looks like you have one finger or you're missing a finger is what I meant to say. You mean this? Okay. By the way, I saw a dog this morning with three legs. Don't care. So go check out the show. It's amazing that they're just chilling. Yeah. Do you think they know? They have to know. They're not allowed to. You think they get upset or they're just like, no, I'm just like, whatever. It's good. They're dogs. Yeah.

You guys can go follow me at Joe Santagato. Go follow the show on TikTok and Instagram at TheBasementYard. And yeah, that is all. We appreciate you guys. Big things in the pipeline here. Can't wait to tell you guys about it. But that is all for this week's episode. Thank you guys so much. And we'll see you guys next time. That hurt. That hurt my hand.